Shutdown Fullcast - AUTOMOTIVE DISASTERS, LIVE FROM INDIANAPOLIS

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

LIVE FROM INDY  Featuring guest star and car baron Alanis King  We review important facts about Indianapolis, aka the City of LIghts  Tercel: Actually a good name, once you say it out loud  A LONG LIST OF YOUR BEST AUTOMOTIVE DISASTERS  The crowd takes on Spencer in trivia with questions Ryan wrote, wonder how that's gonna go  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, everybody. Two bits of broadcast business before we jump into the live show we recorded in Indianapolis over Memorial Day weekend. First off, big thanks to Homefield Apparel for hosting this event, which was incredibly not full casty in terms of execution. The food was really good. Nothing caught on fire. The audio did not mysteriously get sent to a shadow realm. Just top-notch work by them all around. If you've never purchased anything from Homefield Apparel, you can save 15,000. percent off your first order with code fullcast, F-U-L-C-A-S-T, at checkout. And we certainly encourage you to check out all the great shirts, hoodies, joggers, and so forth they have to offer. Second, tickets for the live show we're doing in Raleigh on Saturday, August 24th as part of the Sports Podcast Festival are now available. You can find the link at pre-owned airboats.com.

Just click on live shows, and you'll see it in there. With your ticket, you get to see us. and Jillio, and Hand in the Dirt. Please note the time of that show is currently listed as 2 p.m., but I am pretty sure it's going to be later than that, and that's just a placeholder for the time being. If this Indianapolis show sounds like fun to you, come see us in Raleigh. And yes, tickets for our Portland shows are sold out.

Okay, that's it. Here's the show. Welcome to The shaltz. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome.

The shot's got. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. Live here in beautiful Indianapolis. I'm going to introduce everybody, which sometimes I remember to do. I'm Spencer Hall This is Jason Kirk This is Ryan Nanny This is Holly Anderson

Over there on the ones that choose We got Michael Ray Server And over here Special guest And I'm going to say it right Alanis King You got it Alanus King

We got our own YouTube channel Automotive Journalist Car Person Extraordinaire and also we're going to talk about this. Chris Angel obsessive. Oh, are we starting with this? Yes. Okay, we're starting with Chris Angel.

You said we had to get to know you. Okay, good to know. So what do you want to know about Chris Angel? All right. If you're in the audience, raise your hand if you have seen Chris Angel live at any point, you're all right. Okay, here we go.

We got some mind breaks in the house. Can you look your hands up if you have seen Chris Angel live more than five times. now one more keep your hands up if you have seen Chris Angel more than once in the same Las Vegas trip what about in the same night I've done that too

double angel like three hours can be freaked that hard like three hours of Angel sometimes y'all can be hostile to newcomers so we just wanted you to know right away that she's one of you okay well I have no response I have no comments

that's about all you need to know no it's not like you know the name of his kids well let's do some Chris Angel trivia let's start on the fact that there are people out there who have to reckon with the fact that Chris Angel's their dad would you believe anything your dad told you if he was Chris Angel it's all an illusion

Okay, so Chris Angel trivia, since we were talking, we were not talking about this about five minutes ago. What are the names of Chris Angel's children? Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, I know this, I know this, no this. Okay, okay, go. Yannis. No. Shit.

You had it like five minutes ago. Fallujah? No. I'm close. You say Fallujah? I'm close. Not even close. Ryan, I know you know this.

I'm not close. Okay. Does anybody, kind of. close. Does anybody else want to take a guess? Christos Yanni. Okay. That's one. Christos Yanni. Okay. That's one.

Illusia Angelina. Okay, that's two. It's like illusion and angel. You see, he's very corny. Illusia. Okay. Angelina. Yeah. Got it.

And honestly, the other one I'm blaming on. It's very normal. It's like John Christos. Johnny Christopher. Yeah. We got it. Okay. The amount of confused faces, I am We're winning this today.

Yeah, this is good. Like, what is going on? This, of course, is the automotive disasters episode of the set-home podcast. Of our college football podcast. And when you think about college football and cars, you think of Chris Angel. Yes, you too. The number one name and both. Oh, no.

Am I supposed to take that away? Yeah. Just run with it. No. Okay, so I actually told them that I was going to save this fun fact for the stage. About two years ago, I bought 11 machetes from Chris Angel. I would like to ask, I would, stop looking at me like the next thing. I would like to ask a series of questions.

To be clear, is this the thing you said, wait, you guys can't know this about me until we get out there? Yeah, that's it. You're right. My first question. Yes. Did they run out of available machetes or did you have a machete

budget that you had hit the topic? They ran out of available machete. So you maxed out your Chris Angel machete inventory. Got it. Well, so they had some machetes listed and I said how much for all of them and they said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

who's they? This isn't like going to target. Who is the they? It's the Christ angel target. you just go online and you can shop from his warehouse. How did you come upon Chris Angel machetes? Well, he sells stuff from his warehouse

and so you just email Oh, just say that like it's a normal thing. Is this a website? Yeah, it's a website. This is creating additional questions. So I emailed them, I said, how much for every machete you have? And they said, they said

$300, so I said okay. That does sound like they cut you a deal. They're 30 each, and you got one free. Well, they said plus shipping. I also have to be your shipping. I like to, all right. Can I pause at this time and say hello to all the girlfriends in the audience who are brought along? I'm so sorry.

What's up? Yeah. I hope that the segment has made you feel more at home in this room. I'm also sorry to just the main attendees. Yeah, they knew the risk. I mean, yeah, they knew the risk. They assumed that. The girlfriends, though, you're collateral damage.

How are 11 Chris Angel machetes packaged for shipping? In a box with a bunch of tape on it And then I opened them And I made like a Game of Thrones chair out of them And I took some selfies Are they marked as hazardous or anything? No, no So they're stage machetes

So they're dull So you can't really cut much with them Okay, hey I didn't know they were gonna be dull I thought they were real machetes Now the magic's not real damn it's not real You know you just can't ship Sharp machetes anymore because of

You can't do that because of woke. Thanks, Joe Biden. No, you have him up on, no. Wait, wait. You made a Game of Thrones chair in your house, which is where? Well, okay, here's the thing. My husband was like, you got to put up the machetes. And so I took down the Game of Thrones chair because he was like, no machetes in the house, please.

No, more importantly, you live where? Oh, I live in a retirement community. No, no, no. You live in our retirement community in what city? College Station. I went to the University of Texas. Every time A&M fans are like, we're not that weird. Just remember, Alanis lives in a retirement community

and ordered 11 crusadesian settings. Hey, I did not go to A&M. I bet there ain't a Longhorn grad out there with 11 machetes. It's me. Hell yeah, that's right. No, I went to U.T. I'm a longhorn grad. Okay, good.

You bought 11 machetes. You're an honorary agon. I think you're pretty clearly tilting to one side of this rivalry, like, semantically, if not. Okay, okay, we got his website up now. Automotive disasters. Why else would you get 11 Chris Angel machetes if not to saw him off? Oh, that's a bad. You know what?

That's a good point. All right. One thing we're going to do here at the top that I vowed to remember to do, which I am going to do. He is on the merch page. He is on the merch page. There's some good deal. There's nothing better than inviting a high. 180 so of your friends over and looking stuff up on the internet with them.

Absolutely. I've got a funny TikTok for you to watch later. I promise it's really funny. The funny part's coming. They did this in kind because a lot of these people sent in photos and videos with their disasters. I don't know what they thought we were going to do with those. Yes. Audio format, visual input.

It's not even that good of an audio format. No, really. Low fidelity, brother. Bring another bottle There's a coloring book on here You're literally still on the Chris Angel merch page You're still on the Chris Angel page. You're still on there

I would line free Yes You have been adopted into the fandom None of this I'm the 22nd member of the Chris Angel Reddit Okay Yeah We discovered this before the show

Our Chris Angel has 20 members And no posts It is ours now We can take it over tonight Get out your phones Join the Chris Angel Reddit We're just going to swamp that shit There we go

There we go. We're going to say some amazing things. They're all going to actually do this. Like, they're doing it right now. Yeah, that's right. Oh, I know. Super. We know what asking these people to do things means.

Yeah, that's it. From now, New York Times is going to be like, Chris Angel back? Here's some Chris Angel coffee. Okay, so here's the thing. Well, he... Secretly, tea. There's coffee because he started a restaurant. Anyway, every time...

Where is it? Have you been? I have not been. I have not been. I have not been. Okay. I have not been, but there was a McLaren event in Vegas, and McLaren did not invite me. And then McLaren took everyone to Chris Angel's breakfast, lunch, and pizza.

It was really sad. It was really, really sad, because I would have cried. Because every time I see Chris Angel, I sit in the front row, and it's like a religious experience, and I cry. Now that I know he does breakfast, lunch, and pizza, he does all of them. My dad's opinion of him is raised up. There we go. Okay. Well, it's pretty cool to be Chris Angels kid. I'm your father, and I'm going to magically appear some mac and cheese. Eight minutes on high.

So automotive disasters. What about those? Yes, we're going to get to those. I wanted to go ahead and thank the people who made this entire event possible. That is correct. I'm going to thank our sponsor. Wholefield Apparel. I see.

many of y'all have been click trained into purchasing more that's good consume consume i see three of you in split zone shirts and i would like you to change immediately if you can i'm serious i see all three of you if you don't buy a shirt before the end of the night we're going to have names yeah you fucking nerds yeah you didn't come here to do math we're not going to read numbers to you we don't know what numbers are i will confess this is how nice homefield is i asked them before the show if they would come out and pull you guys aside and ask and offer you in D-shirts and tell you that you needed to change right now and they wouldn't do it because they're nice but we're not I would like to also go ahead and begin with a tribute to our host city here Indianapolis has been

lovely so far and yeah who's from who's from here who's local local yeah who's place rules y'all this is great city of lights yeah this is like Chicago with training wheels it's adorable. No, no, no, no, no, no. Chicago, um, with walkways, huh? Shout out to those. Shout out to those. You got tunnels everywhere. Being fan of the walkways.

Um, you also have a canal. You have eight miles of a canal. I like that they were like, ambitious idea. Stops. We just, we'll get to the sea. Now it's like, we'll get to the zoo. That's my kind of town. They're like, ah, fuck it.

just make a huge pork sandwich that'll be our thing but I wanted to go ahead and share some important facts about our host city of Indianapolis first of all Indianapolis the city of lights most people call it the city of lights Miller light Bud Light Bush Light Nadi Light Kour's Light not Amstel that shit is shit it's bad

Indiana and Annapolis has a population of over 800 people it's huge Famous people from Indianapolis include David Letterman, Janet Jackson. Be louder for Janet Jackson, God damn it. Thank you. Shame on y'all. So we're counting Gary?

Shhh. Okay. I'm warning you, some of these might not be accurate. Mike Apps, juvenile, Erden Senna, the concept of dread. Someone said, oh, wow. Oh, wow, yeah. Knuckles, but not the same. that Kami Tales.

This is... Hatshetschetsu, Billy Mays, Hadeo Kojima. Does that say home of NASA? You're reading ahead. Okay. America's most beloved historical figure John Dillinger. That's right. That's right.

A man died with an erection and was buried in Indianapolis. Good for him. Someday so will Rex Grossman. Yes. It's not all... Listen. It's not all... That's what I love you. Connor. He's flicking me off

from the back of the room. Connor is shrinking. Also, Steve L's the founder of Chipotle. I hope you rot in hell, you diarrhea merchant. Fuck you. Also, home of over 216 public parks, all of which are clothing optional with the right attitude.

Indianapolis is the home of NASA. It is home of the world's largest horse race, the Indianapolis 500. The horses are spirits, trapped inside iron, prisons of combustion. Free them, you bastards. Free every single one of them.

Is that what Cars is about? It's not the first time they've stolen horses. Baltimore remembers. That's what... Wow. That's why it's called horsepower. Yes. You do have eight miles of canals, which makes this the Venice of Indiana.

And it's the Venice of Indiana because of the canals and also because your mom met a woman who was not her husband. Or, never mind. We're just going to skip that. joke, because I've totally fucked up the pronouns there. We're moving. By the way, Indiana...

Don't look at me like this is my idea. I like if you're postulating some sort of Vicki Christina Indiana situation. Someone write that shit down. Yeah, yeah. Indiana was described, by the way, as... This is per Wikipedia, so you know it's accurate. Described as mostly loyal to the union during the Civil War. So this is the...

Once again, raise your hands. This is the Italy of the Midwest. That's okay. I said mostly. Yeah. I didn't write it. Yeah, Tennessee is the Italy of the South. So, like...

Yeah, we're out, we're out. We're back in. We're back in. Okay, yeah. It is, by the way, also, you have Bachelorette pedal bars. As somebody who grew up part-time in Nashville, I will say this, you should have hit them with flame throwers the minute they appeared.

RPGs would be... It should be illegal to shoot them. It should be illegal to shoot them, hit them with your car, whatever. I'm telling you now, you're like, oh, what a cute, fantastic curiosity. How quaint, how charming. They will overrun everything in the next year and a year and a half. You will row to load them. Also, home to Nashville, home to NCAA, which is, by the way, if you need free real estate,

they're taking bids. Yeah, you can go bid on that building right now because they need cash. They need cash. bad. Indianapolis, the setting for a number of films including Hoosiers, which I don't know if you know the score on the game that Hoosiers was inspired by Hoosiers. They even know the final score on the state championship game, the epic state championship game that you're supposed to like care so much about at the end of Hoosiers. It was 3230. It was the worst basketball game you've ever seen in your life.

They're like, yeah, let's make a movie on that shit. That'd be great. Still better than Rudy. Yes. that's right he was off sides um also home to the Indiana Pacers we got any Pacers fans here so I was gonna say really bad things about the Pacers um but I was reading the record out loud and it occurred to me they're the only team that has ever actually lived the dream of assaulting the fans booing them and throwing shit at them and then went in the stands to beat that ass did nothing wrong like shouts out to

them. Two murders to note here, okay? One, the first race at Indy, the first actual race at Indy was hot air balloons. Surprisingly, no one died. But the second, only killed two people. Way to go. That's pretty good for, like, Atlanta's history of

motorsports. That's pretty good. Yeah, I mean, two people, that's not everybody. Yeah, that's fine. Yes, and Indianapolis also killed my father. So true. Yeah, they didn't. So thank you, Indiana.

Thank you for hosting this event. This has been some helpful Indianapolis facts. Ryan, you have an endeavor you would like to embark on. So we're going to talk about cars and automobile issues. And I want to set the tone a little bit with a little thing for Jason and Holly to do. I'm going to give you each a series of cards where you're going to read a model of a car. But I want you to do it in a specific way. Jason, I want you to channel your most mortal combat, game of thrones, like deep hatred of this is the warrior you hate most.

This is the person you want to meet on the field of battle. And I want to read this car model in that way. And then we're going to alternate. Holly, you're going to get a turn first afterwards. But Jason, if you could start here, please. Okay. Are we competing? So I think one, is that me?

No. I think one way to do this is we do this as a tournament style I'm gonna have Spencer again how do you feel about that? How do you feel about that? Yeah, okay we can do a tournament style, that works. Okay. Well, I'll give you your direction after Jason goes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Round one, Starfire!

Thank you. Holly, I want you to read your selection as if they are... I already know what you were. as if they are the name of a braddy southern child. So please read your first car. Terseil! You know what comes next. Sing-along if you know the words.

Get your ass off that swimset. Jason, here's your second name. Starfire can't compete with Tersel. Let's scrap the tournament idea. This isn't going to go well for me. Really, give me deep bass for this one. Like, give me a growling. Ryan wants someone besides himself to injure themselves

doing a voice on this show. Write Thompson this shit. Yeah. Well, renegade. Thank you. How can he do that voice without a stupid fucking hat on? Holly, can I get a Southern Child who's doing something wrong,

but you're trying to be patient talking to them? Corsica. Okay, Jason, I want you to do this in sort of, like, anime mock laugh. Can I tag in Spencer on this? Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Because I don't know what that means. I think Spencer does. Spenter does.

Let me use the mic. This is the mic for this. All right, okay. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Thank you. Holly, for this one, give me Southern Child who, I want you to do it three times, Southern Child who's not paying attention, and on the third one, you're just fucking sick of it.

Am I, is this in an, this seems to lend itself to it. Am I in church? Yeah. Yeah. So you want three of these? Yeah. Festiva! Festival! Festival!

Festival! It's for Stevea, but you know. Okay. Jason, just do this one. You're just the street fighter announcer, and I've selected this character. So it's like, doot. Yes, yes, yes.

Passat! All right. All right, Holly, give me teacher on the first day of school calling out this person's name. Diamante. All right, Jason, I'm going to let you free. You both get to freestyle your last one. Cut last Supreme. Grand Marquis.

Thank you. I just wanted to hear you do voices. I appreciate it. Ryan, I don't have a coach voice of my own, so I really appreciate being tagged in there. I'm happy that we got to do that. That was pretty great. Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for,

you didn't come here for things to go right. You came here for things. You came here for Chris Angel. Yes, you did. Some of the mind freaks out there. Some mind freaks. Yeah, how we doing? Yeah?

Are you ready? For what we're going to do next? We're going to make some shit disappear. Let's go! We are about to do a run of automotive disasters. Are we starting with our own, or are we just diving right into... If you have one of your own to offer, please begin with that. I remembered one that I told Michael Cerber today.

That is not about me. it is about my freshman year Florida college roommate who had his car when he was rushing a fraternity had his car run into in the fraternity parking lot and badly damaged the passenger

door so he filed an insurance claim and got a check and promptly spent that check on a surround sound system for our dorm and never got the door repaired and he is now a successful attorney in the state of Florida and as water always finds its level

and a successful investor that's right I have an automotive disaster I would like to share this is actually an automotive disaster with a silver lining I used to have in 1987 Dodge Dakota

it was awesome if you hit the brakes nothing happened it's tires like bald like super bald like LeBron pre-hair plugs ball like bow and I was heading to work one day

and shockingly the accident not my fault a sleepy grad student pulled out in front of me and just stopped and I looked up and she had her coffee and she was like oh no and I teaboned her car and it totaled the Dakota because it turns out the Dakota had no impact zones no crumple no nothing just solid piece of shit and it just completely just destroyed everything inside

and they're like here's 6,000 bucks for your truck and I was like most people would say I need to buy a new car and I thought I have 6,000 bucks this

I received that money on September 9th 2001 Spencer if you're about to confess to financing something I need you to not I can I finance something

brother look at that beer statute of limitations right What did we finance? That's right. A trip to Paris purchased on September 13th, 2001. That's when prices are low.

Because prices were low, y'all. And honestly, what were the chances of that shit happening twice? What's the definition of freedom? Huh? They'd want me to do it. So I did. You were keeping the economy afloat, I think. That's right. That's right. I was improving international relations by drinking six packs of beer in the eighth quarter. Yeah.

Can I lightning round a few? All these were from high school alone. At least, yeah, that's right. At least one of these I've told on the forecast before. But shattered this arm in three places and had to wear a metal pole outside of my body nailed to my bones for a whole semester. After me and the homies stole a moped at 4 a.m. and I wrecked the foot. fuck out of it. Because if Ford Mustang was driving toward me, it wasn't my fault. My 1987 Ford Escorts horn blew whenever I turned right. So every day, pulling into the school parking lot, I had John Sina's entrance music. One time I was mad about how long my Russian friend had. had taken to pack up his PlayStation, so I got in a wreck on purpose.

We hit stoners, so they didn't want cops involved. So free wreck, all right? Me and the homies went mudding. Do you Yankees know what mudding is? Typically, you want big, big tires, high up chassis, and all that. We did this in a 1972 Buick Skylark, which meant we pushed that shit out of the mud.

Six people sleeping in a van in a cow pasture. The van flooded. We slept in the van anyway Because fuck them, that's why It smells like a daze-in in there Way worse Almost got arrested at church This time for doing donuts with a backseat

Full of bags of knives Were they Chris Angel's knives? They were not They were not Dold knives These were knives I see okay well He doesn't have any of those

This is why I'm not a successful magician. There we go. And finally, highway bumper cars. That's it. That's all you get. Who remembers the ghost writing story? Awesome. Okay.

This is a special treat for my father, who knows that I was in the ER that night, does not know why, and is in this room right now. You're about to learn. Sorry. Also, I'd like to point out that everybody involved in this incident but me today either has queue level clearance or above and with the United States federal

government or is a physician and me. They were building a home depot down the street from my house where I grew up and they had gotten like the concrete skeleton of it up. Like the big loading doors were just holes

and it was surrounded as some places as far north as Tennessee are by just like pure red clay dirt. And my very first car, which is a perfect car to have at that age, if you're an indestructible idiot, like me, was a 1992 Jeep Cherokee Laredo, which would vibrate violently to the point of like yanking the steering wheel out of your hands if it got about 55. It made me a very safe driver. I believe this to this day. However, it also made it the perfect car to go mudding.

So this was me, my brother, his best friend, and another one of our friends in a three-car convoy doing donuts through the empty Home Depot skeleton which had no doors on it at the time and just around the field so we were doing like figure eight through the Home Depot out through the field through the Home Depot out through the field cars the Jeep was white I should mention at this point

and was looking positively burnt orange and we go to the car wash and we're on like our third round of the car wash to try and get all the mud off it's an automatic car wash instead of gas station and I get bored and I decide that I am going to open the

window of my car and sit on the windowsill and kind of just like prop my heads up on the roof rail and just, you know, see how far until I can, you know, I want to see how far I can go into the car wash. So I fall out.

What enormous... I fall out. I roll clear of my car. My brother, I'm I'm here, it's fine. My brother and his buddy are behind me. And his, do you guys remember before Volvos were made of something lighter than steel?

What they used to look like? Those boxy. Dad, what kind of car was that? Anyway, he had one of those ancient, ancient volvos that was built like a tank. And in slow motion, because he was edging into a car and it was like a horror movie because I was like screaming and scrabbling away,

away, but they had the windows up because they're not idiots. But they weren't paying attention, and they ran over my legs. Anyway, there's no punchline for that. I only had soft tissue. They took me to the ER and I only had soft tissue damage. It might actually be the Deadpool

scene. Anyway, my dad came to pick me up at the ER last night and I don't think he ever really knew why. Sorry. And yeah, we should all be dead so many times Instead, we're in Indiana Do you have a car disaster? I don't even want to tell this one, but I will.

Thank you. Oh, no. Okay, no one's really heard this before, except them. So I'm very embarrassed by it. No, there's nobody here but us. Yeah, there's nobody here but us, so here we go. One time I was driving my car, because it's an automotive disaster, I was driving my car.

That's how this story starts. And I had not replaced my tires because I'm a car enthusiast and I like cars, but I also don't like buying things. So I said, the weather's fine. There's no rain. We're good. I can make it a little bit longer on these tires. And then it rained. And I'm driving.

And I had just been driving a car with actual good tires. And I was used to driving that. And this car hit a wet patch and it went straight into a curb, full speed. wrecked my car very badly, limped it into a mall parking lot because it was 912 and I had to be at a fancy hotel at 9.30

to drive a seven figure supercar. So I took it in the mall parking lot and I called my husband and I said, huh, I'm two hours from home but I need you to put all the tools in our Miata and I need you to drive them up here and we're going to fix the car in the parking lot

and so he's on the way I leave the car in the mall parking lot and I get a lift and I have about 12 minutes at this point to get to this supercar so I sit in the back of the lift and I go you did not just wreck a car you did not just wreck a car you did not just wreck a car

I get there they go hey we have donuts how's it going here's the supercar it's $2.1 million dollars and I'm like I did not just wreck a car everything is fine and I drove the car and everything was was fine. It was still raining, but that car had new tires on it, so it was all right. And I got back to the mall parking lot, and my husband was there, and it was my birthday. So I took many

face times, and every time I answered, I said, hey, and they're like, why are you outside? And I was like, well, I wrecked my car. And they were like, why are you in such a good mood? And I was like, because life happens, and you have to still be happy. And that is what happened. Yeah, I've never told that one publicly because that one's embarrassing. But I did do that and no one ever knew that I raised my car right before driving that supercar because they wouldn't have let me in it.

Clearly you need the challenge of a car that cost $2 million in order to take care of it properly. So true. You're like $40,000. That's so true. The number of times you can wreck a car in your life is finite and you just got one out of the way. I did one. So it's fine. It was just, it was

a little bit of a bruise. We had We had some bent suspension bars. We just, we got under the car in the mall parking lot and we fixed it. We had a sunburned by the end of it, and happy birthday. I will say, I don't think any of our, sometimes I think our stories compete with, and I don't want to discount your bag of knives, obviously. But I think the submissions really left over us in this case. I think what people were willing to confess to.

A lot of you confessed to crime. we deleted we deleted a lot a lot of you were bragging about drunk driving I don't know if you realize that's what you're doing but you're really happy to tell us about all the times you drove drunk and didn't get caught so I don't know if people know

but back in the 70s or so when they wanted to catch people who were out on warrants they would send them in the mail they were like hey it's going to be like dollar stealers ticket day or whatever if you come down to the stadium on this

day. You specifically, you're special Darrell. They would all show up and they'd all get served and they'd all get arrested. By the way, this was done as recently as 2012 with Iron Bowl tickets. Right. Can you imagine

okay, if it was done as recently as can you imagine if it was one year later? Well, thank God I miss that shit. Can you imagine? No, but what if you had, what if you had gone to jail and then you had to go through the kick six? Yeah. Wish I'd kept my ass in there.

I guess my point is, at least in those examples, maybe you get a iron bowl tickets. In this case, you're just confessing the crimes to a moderately popular podcast. Yeah. We deleted most of us. Wait, did they actually get the tickets? No. You said they got the tickets! No!

You said they got the tickets! I guess my point is the kid. more worthwhile. Why don't they give the attention? Proustaches. Folks, we've now doubled the number of people

on this podcast that you can easily scam if you want. I'm starting to think those machetes weren't real. Listen, if you ever

need to catch me, just send me an email and tell me you got dollar Chris Angel tickets. I'm there. I'm there. Step one, go to Party City, buy them out of the checks.

Step two, register Chrisangelwarehouse. dot call except free email OS The van says free

candy All right Spencer do you want to start with a I will start off with a Oh God All right

David I hope you're here Because I'm about to read the brief And epic story of your automotive disaster My cousin

once almost got his brother murdered by the LAPD It's not funny Who am I Fuck are you laughing. It's funny.

By wiring the horn on his car into the brake light circuit as a prank. The fuck are you thinking? What is a brother but a future uncle? Or an accomplice. I mean, does driving in L.A. involve braking a lot? What? Does it have bad traffic or something?

That's the whole story. As usual, our favorites are short. The exceptions are extraordinary, but our favorites are short. Katie, shortest one we got. For my money, the best one we got. I work at the courthouse, and a guy once got a ticket for eating cake

while driving. That's it. Worth it, brother? Where is it? All the information we have. This is the rare submission where we have more questions for you after we hear. How hard were you eating cake that the cop was like, no! You know my theory, the cop was hangary. I've seen some fat kid shit.

That had to be the fattest kid shit ever. You had to be tearing into that shit to be like, that's unsafe. I'm pulling you over, sir. Are you not allowed to eat cake while driving? Apparently. Because of woke. This had to be a holding a plate with a fork and max. and maybe a candle blowing it out.

Was it a whole, baby it was a whole cake? Like, Officer Crashmore was on the diet. He was like, I've been really good. I'm at 1,600 calories today, and this motherfucker drove by eating a whole ass sheet cake out of his hands while driving. Like, I'm just seeing a like,

I think you should leave skit, right? Where he's just like absolutely, I wasn't eating cake. When he hit me and ruined my $80 cackies, I proceeded to... I proceeded to requisition the cake. It was my birthday.

The cake has been impounded. A verifiable fact. You can see on this photo display, this table of all the cake that we have taken off the streets. It's going to be safer out there, y'all. Doesn't it look delicious? Do you want to come to our party? I just want to know, like, his boss, you did what?

You arrested a guy for eating cake? God damn, Marty. This one is for me. from Tim. I borrowed my college professor's car, great choice, to take my out-of-town girlfriend on a date. On our way home, she suggested we go someplace quiet. I turned into what I thought was a vacant lot, but it was actually a gravel pit. Okay, in the spirit of the question, she asked to go someplace quiet. She didn't ask to go someplace quiet. She didn't ask to go somewhere place to be mergers. She has to go

what's quieter than the forever sleep? Maybe she should have specified, right? You know where you're going to be real quiet? It had been raining and my car got stuck. Pushing the car failed. I split my

Adidas breakaway pants into two pieces. Oh no, no, no, no, wait, this wasn't an accident. For a brief moment to remind you that this is on a date with an of town girlfriend. Your girlfriend came to see you and you said, ah, what finery

to there? I don't know. The momentous occasion, I know. The chairway pants that make me think I'm on the Orlando Magic. No, but this sentence gets better because he didn't split those pants on accident, did he? You never know when a fast break might occur?

Coach says I'm in. I split my Adidas breakaway pants into two pieces to put under the tires, which work. Shame on me. The cops saw all of this. They're just up there eating cake.

And they told the professor instead of helping me. The professor said he would ask no questions if I bought the car off of him. I did, and I totaled it in Muncie two

two weeks later what a fucking coup by Baxter holy shit play the long game I also love that everybody has a laptop and you wrote these to help on index cards

Yeah. Fucking David Letterman over here. Folks? Can I tell another date story? Yes. This is Ethan. Tried to take girlfriend of two months on a date to hike a nice park 60 miles away. Being a young idiot, I did not fill the gas can beforehand.

Ran out of gas five minutes into the trip. Had to hike on the interstate to get a gas can. 30 to 60 minutes later we finally got to a gas station Where did you start? Did the day start in the middle of the interstate? You got five minutes and you had to hike? I promptly killed...

Let's just unfold. Girlfriend, still willing to get this date a chance. I promptly killed any remaining chance by inserting the gas nozzle too hard into my car and breaking the rusty contraption between the gas port and the gas tank. That does not show her that you are a tender lover. Hang on.

Ethan, Ryan doesn't know the end of the story, but I do. After a shortish fit of rage, we got my car towed and called off the date. Girlfriend did not dump my broke ass. She's been with me eight years since, married for four, and they're here, I think. Hey, yeah. So she saw you break that thing off of the tank. she's like, bet. Yeah.

Love very apparently conquers all. Wait, so where did it start? If I start asking y'all questions, it won't end. It'll be 20 minutes. I'm just going to accept this miracle for what it is. The dark match Q&A tonight is just us asking you. Yeah. Chase.

Oh, is it me. Let's see here. From Teresa. My husband tried to murder me and our two children in my Tesla That was the subject line of the email Multiple parties were trying to kill you that night Somewhere Elon Musk is like, yes, that's the point!

I pressed Control F Tesla and claimed this one. Haven't read any further. By driving 83 miles per hour in the pouring, all caps, rain on the Ohio turnpike at 6.30 in the morning with autopilot on while looking at the radar on his phone to see when the storm might pass.

That's some Tesla as behavior. I don't want to do anything dangerous, hold on. It's like a combination of maximum dad, checking the weather while in the car, observing the weather. You're already in it, but also ultimate anti-dad by playing with your phone while driving.

Is that it? Nobody died. Is that it? I was waiting for, I was waiting for a victim. It was an attempted murder. Attempted murder, okay. I have a story of preparation, or lack thereof. One sentence opener, college.

Thank you, Logan. Thank you. If Logan is here, excellent pros. Took a road trip, see friends. Stop to Taco Bell, as you do. If you stopped a Taco Bell, by the way, you just confessed to drunk driving. I don't want to out you like that.

Or you were high. One of the two, you were impaired. Surprisingly, we were sober. eyes. Buddy who drove decides to let someone else drive back, lobs his keys as high as he can to the guy that's going to drive. Lanyard gets caught on the tree he parked under. No clue why he threw them, because this was the only possible outcome. Probably caught about 15 feet up. After tossing multiple objects at the

stuck keys with no success, my friend grabs a golf club out of his trunk. Immediately told bad idea by everyone else. Ignor us. Not a bad toss, but doesn't get the keys to budge. What does happen is the club is slingshotted by the tree straight through the rear windshield. Completely shatters. The whole window is now in his back seat.

It was a cold ride home because this is winter in South Dakota. I'll also work by everyone there. This one is from David K. I was a senior in high school, and my first car was a 98 Plymouth Voyager. Sex. My little brother ripped the sliding door off the track.

I had to have a buddy hold it from the inside as we drove to a body shop. I was too cheap to fix it. it properly, so they bolted it on. And I drove the world's biggest two door from that day forward. I like a car that tells the story, and that story is I've made mistakes. You don't want your car to have archaeology.

Yes. I have one that I kind of don't believe. Okay. I feel like it's missing some steps. Maybe we can all fill this in together as a mystery. This is from Robert. First of all, this is my favorite thing because my favorite thing in comedy is

because I'm fundamentally a child is when something gets knocked out of frame, like peek-a-boom. Robert got annoyed at people passing on the shoulder during an interstate shutdown. He got out of the car and stood in the car's way, I guess in the breakdown lane, got run over by an SUV,

had the presence of mind while the SUV was going by to elbow off his rearview mirror as he drove by and tore it completely off the car. Now, here's the weird part. The next two lines of the story are as follows. Found them waiting for us at the exit 30 minutes later. Apologized and made friends when they saw my Georgia Tech hat and said they were alums? To hell with Georgia. That's all I got to say.

Talk about a rambling rig. There it is. Thank you. The inner strength and confidence, the pure manifestation of Chi to be like, I would stop oncoming traffic. Honestly, that's why they had to leave the SEC. No other school is going to hit you and apologize. Hell yeah. Hey, Gap, brother, we're coming.

It's summer. Major League Baseball is in full swing, and there's one app for you if you want last minute deals on Major League Baseball games. And that's gametime.co. That's right, gametime. i'm looking at the app right now and i'm picking out america's team really the kansas city royals uh and at kaufman stadium just in a couple days there's tickets available for 16 and then well i don't want to up the stakes too much here but let's go to next week it looks like they're playing the chicago white socks there are tickets available right now for three

dollars you could see a major league baseball game in chicago for three dollars what stadium you ask not important it's in chicago but GameTime.C.O. is not just for Major League Baseball games, even though you can get great deals for that. You can also get great deals for concerts, football games. Those are going to be coming up pretty soon. You can find them on gametime.co. I use GameTime.co.co to purchase last minute tickets for an Olivia Rodrigo concert. Tyler Childers did not show up at mine. That would have been awesome, but it was awesome nonetheless. And GameTime.co made it super easy. I got my parking through GameTime.co.co. And I got great tickets for my wife and I. GameTime.C.O. made all of that so easy and one of the greatest concert experiences I've ever had in my entire life. And I'll be using them again. In fact, I'm seeing a little bit called the beaches in late September. And where did I get my ticket? That's right. Even ahead of time. I didn't wait till the last minute because GameTime.com has you covered then as well. That's what I love about it. Whenever I want to get a ticket for an event, whether I heard about it months before and procrastinated to no end and have left myself an alert, you can save up to 60% of buying last minute for sports,

Concerts, comedy, theater, anything else. So take the guesswork out of buying MLB tickets with GameTime. You can download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code fullcast for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. I have one that I would like to share because I feel like the one thing that we do get when we come to the Midwest for a show is we don't have enough.

pure Alabama in this show. Now, it's important to regulate the amount of Alabama you put in a show as certain percentages above X are toxic to those who lack the exposure. So we're just going to add a little bit of Alabama here with a little bit of Florida. This comes from John.

John, I hope. You're saying this in the same way that, like, we used to give whiskey to kids whose teeth hurt. Used to? Whatever, liberal. Because of woke. My, this is how you know, it's a good start.

My granddad and great Uncle Bubba. Somebody who had an Uncle Bubba, let me tell you, that's a character. This is a recurring character at this point. Yeah. Road their Cushman Motor Scooters, 500 miles from Winter Haven, Florida, to Atmore, Alabama. Oh, my God. They were around 12 years old, and it was 1947. Nothing close to interstates existed yet.

My grandfather said his hand, quote, probably, unquote, suffered permanent damage due to the constant wind exposure, but, quote, it was fine after about a month. I like that they were like, America's distracted. Now we can go! We truly are the greatest generation.

This is the middle third of dumb and dumber. just, and then we went to middle school. It gets better. Bubba rode his scooter back to Winter Haven later that summer because, quote, I forgot something. So we looked up the math on this and

that trip back to pick something up, that's like a 19 hour journey. Whatever it was. We looked it up. It's 478 miles on a scooter that gets a maximum speed of 45 miles per hour on roads that I guarantee you in post-war condition had potholes

the size of bomb craters. Additionally, I am sure that the truckers and truckies of Alabama and Florida were extremely friendly to these 12-year-olds. Yes, yes. So that's it. What you need to know, by the way, is you go, man, I'm sure these kids just died

like in their youth, doing things like jumping off diving boards on horses. No. That's not how, whatever. Yeah. That's horse diving. and it's a different thing, right?

It's a different equestrian daredevil sport. Granddad turns 90 next month. So you admit that horse diving is a sport? Yes, it is. Granddad turns 90 next month and Bubba ended up being a career airline pilot. Because he can get you places. He'll get you to add more Alabama.

Where we're going, we don't need roads. Holly, is it you or me? sure I'll go hang on Wes on a trip back to West Virginia to visit family our family car

ended up needing to go to the shop so we had to get a rental car for the long weekend now I love the story for a couple of reasons that are going to become very apparent but the first of which is that the only thing available to this family to drive for the shop in West Virginia

was a Chevy Aveo I have done this drive in a Versa, and it is hell. So we decided to go to a minor league baseball game in Charleston with my best friend, but every way out of town was a rather intense climb up the hill, and me and my dad and my friend were all, as they say in West Virginia, healthy. My mom was driving, and the car struggled out of Crown Hill, and she said, lean forward, which we all did.

And the car gained an extra 5 to 10 miles per hour. Some fuck it, Chris Angel, that's magic. There we go. Some Flintstone shit. Spencer, you took like 30, so you have to read more. You took all the long ones, too. I stole one of Spencer's. Actually, I stole a few of Spencer's.

Please. From Alex, accidentally backed into, and destroyed a city lamppost on my way to grandma's funeral. Dad was so mad he snapped a video game. That's it.

What is the best era of video game to snap? Oh, a cartridge, sure. Yeah, cartridge, yes, because that's going to take a lot of work. Well, is it cartridge or is it, like, PlayStation discs? If it's Echo the Dolphin, that would be the... Game movies for the hardest, like, God damn, you got some grip No, no, no, like, it's not a fucking Game Boy game

and does anyone even notice? Yeah, if it's a Switch cartridge, you got to have like a stiletto and, like, grind it out into your heel. Mm-hmm. A cartridge, you're really demonstrating a lot of anger. You're working on that. I'm thinking Super Nintendo because it's a little bit wider so you get both hands on it.

I need to introduce more Midwestern greatness into this dialogue. This is from Box of Worthless Junk. I hope that is your Christian name. Travel to a friend's band show my freshman year of college in the middle of nowhere, P.A. in February. There's greatness here already. Arrived near the venue,

but all roads leading to it were icy or otherwise impassable. Just off the road found a long, flat, open area that nobody parked on, so we went ahead and parked on it. Saw the band, came out after the show, couldn't find the car. Called cops, because they assumed it was stolen. Cops

arrived. In a manner of speaking, it was. By Mother Earth. Cops arrived, looked at where we part, and inform us that we had driven over and parked on. a frozen over lake. Large car-shaped hole in the ice verified this assumption. Insurance company rep laughed when we called and hung up. Yeah, yeah.

Ryan. Right. I only have one. more that I picked up because I have we have a game we're going to play later a one or two of you if you want to team up are going to get to do some trivia against Spencer so think if that's a thing you want to do this comes from Zach and it has a very helpful first sentence that really tells you where this is going to go I don't know if this will raise or lower your opinion of Florida State students. Zach, have you met me?

I'll tell you one, it won't do. This is how to get us to read your email for the record. But here we go. In college, we were dirt poor, but we had the need for speed. Did he capitalize that? He did not, for copyright reasons. Did not own a copy of Need for Speed.

We waited outside a sports authority on Black Friday and used our store credit coupons to buy a boat tube and a tow rope. We didn't have a boat. So we decided to tow the tube behind a car in the green space behind church. Because that's where God watches up for you. Did I write this one? Nope. R-Buddy Diesel

Spell that Wait, spell it Diesel We Spell it D-E E E

Z Z E. E.L. Oh. Of the Charleston Diesel's. Our buddy Diesel's. The play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he got shot.

had first shot at it, and upon every lap kept saying, that was good, but we can go faster. The last lap we were pushing 40 miles per hour and hit the final curve over a bump. We saw the tube bites, and diesel disappear into the night. Luckily, the ER was around the corner, and it was just a broken collarbone and concussion again, because he did it in the church green space. The nurses had to add a category to their ways people get injured charged.

I assume Diesel is short for DeSantis. Okay, I thought the tube was going to start a grass fire. Nope. I thought that's where we would go. It just launched diesel a little close to the god. D-E-E-E-Z-E-L. That's spelled diesel. You know how in front of the church is when it's like, you know,

this is the home of them who seek him? That's who we're talking about. My father was Diesel. Call me D's. I have a brief one from D's. My friend Matt, yes, his real name. And I... Matt, shouts out to the mats.

Really? Yeah, thank you for. There are more than two mats here. Come on, three. Matt's Four and five Matthew Matisse also We're gaining more and more

We'll take them all All right All right Matties I'm concerned There's not more of them But okay And I sprint

So this fellow And Matt spent One spring break Camping with a pair of girls Congratulations You met girls Full cast listeners I am so proud

You decided after a few days That they weren't actually Into that either of us So it sucks Driving back to campus after midnight, of course, Matt decided it might impress them to see how far we could keep going after the needle hit E. Matt, you genius.

Matt. The clerk at the sheets we highted to refuse to sell us a gas can, so we chugged a gallon of tea and filled that up. There's missing facts in here. You can't waste the tea. You have to waste the tea. Well, they didn't because they had to hike 14 miles back to their car. I would have made everybody drink the tea too.

So the nearly 14 mile walk ended with a friendly highway patrolman admonishing us to, and I quote, fill up with premium the next few times, you're going to have some tea in the tank. Because premium is notably better at cleaning dishes. It goes better with tea. everyone knows that. The girls never spoke to us again. Their loss.

Damn. Dang. See how much tea that guy can drink? Shit. No, they were 14 miles away in the car. So you just have to come back and tell them we have epic tea

drinking feats to share. He's bona fide. Okay, first of all. I got a piece. Go bad. Second of all. He's so strong. He's so strong.

so bad at understanding his dashboard. Jason. From Travis. And my favorite detail about this one, and you'll know it when you hear it, is the show, not tell quality of the era in which it takes place. All right? I once accidentally jumped a set of railroad tracks in a 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix because my friend with me, who was a bullshitter about everything, said to take the tracks at about 10 miles per hour. I hit him at 55. Because whatever he's saying, do the opposite, obviously.

I knew there was trouble when the disc man on my lap was suddenly eye level. Now that is environmental storytelling. This was one involving a dad, which I am fond of any of these, involving a father. Actually, let's do this one. Let's involve an underclassman. This is why you don't ask underclassmen to do your jobs or any sort of

person who has not being paid. David brings us this story. As an underclassman who's never driven before, a senior on my high school track team toss me the keys and said, bring my car around front. Put it in D instead of R and it went straight into a tree.

He deserved that. when you do it short poorly so you don't have to do it again I had another mystery here no hang on I got a short one David J 2009 freshman year on campus this is Arkansas State driving my brother's 76 Ford Ranger with a cherry bomb muffler I didn't know it backfired if you left off the gas on a hill

active shooter declared and campus evacuated. This is Arkansas State. Do you know how much that had to have been going on for Arkansas State people to think that has to be gunfire? I mean, one gunshot Arkansas State, they're like, maybe someone saw a buck. You hear wine, Abe.

Situation must have resolved itself. Yeah. This is the school that, for real, has a dear stand in its football stadium if you've never been. An important part of adulthood is realizing that your elders are stupid. That happens. Like, it's not all dumb, but

you know, they're out there. You're like, maybe dad's not right. My dad's here. I know he's here. That's why I said some. Right? He's brilliant. One of us played golf today. One of us didn't. The smart one went out and played golf. This is from Mark. A friend's father didn't believe in using

turn signals or windshield wipers as it would wear them out faster. So they can use them when they really need them? Never know when you're going to need it, brothers. Never know when you're taking a huge turn. I don't want to get to the final boss and not have wings to play.

Oh, my turn, mana. This man was min-maxing, signaling, and driving. He was treating it like a final boss in Eldon Ring or something, right? Always keep him guessing. Keep him guessing. Keep him safe. He would usually have three cars in various states of disrepair in the front yard and would manage to keep one of them fixed up enough so that he could use it before the other one went out.

So he just had three cars constantly dying in his front yard. This is why a cop got a most unexpected thank you when pulling my friend over to give her a work order for a broken taillight or headlight. For once, her dad had to take the car to the shop to let someone certified work on the car to repair something that was wrong with it. He was bad for weeks. My system!

It's ruined my crop rotation of cars! Take the lumina out here. I can't even look at it. It's so functional. It had so many turn signals left on it. You go. You want another one? All right, hang on.

Oh, let's do it. mystery. I've got to scroll all the way out of it. Y'all submitted so many of these. Okay, so I went to Tennessee, so when I see something with the subject line, Baja, S-A-E, disaster. I think something very different is going on

than what actually transpires in this. This is from Graham. In college, I was on the UIUC-Baha team, which it turns out is the off-road version of Formula S-A-E, as I'm sure all of you already knew. Tennessee does come into play here, though. At the first competition at Tennessee Tech,

when one of our gears blew up during break check, this is not an interesting story, but there's a character who appears in this, and I'm going to fast forward to that part. Maybe. Turns out, favorite phrase, there's a guy near Tennessee Tech who has a wire EDM machine

that makes replacement Baja parts as a side hustle. His main hustle is grinding up bones for use in surgery, a human bondo. Murphy Spurrow. Yeah. No, do y'all not know this is a real thing? No, it's using dentistry all the time.

Don't worry about that. Bone paste? Yeah, that's fine. By the way, if you confess to making bone paste on an amateur basis, we deleted that email. You're welcome. It's important. cultivate hobbies. How many more are we doing? You can do another one. Okay.

Here's one from Emma. Road trip from central Illinois to Willington, North Carolina. That is a 14.5 hour trip. My brother and I each had one new CD and zero portable CD players between us, which meant that my mom spent the entire trip mediating arguments about whether we were listening to the Cheetah Girls again or Aerosmith again. That is seven hours of each. Wait, are we trying to wind down? Because there's a couple here that we absolutely have to get to.

You get to the one you absolutely have to get to. The one? I'm taking two. Chris, I was 14 and working by myself on the back 40 of the family farm. Decided to see if I, see if you can spot the problem here. Decided to see if I could jump the tractor off the levee. haven't seen the problem but keep going

that separated our walnut and almond orchards now they shouldn't be growing almonds they take so much water that's the problem that is the problem tractor bounced like an exercise ball

and shot me through the neighbor's barbed wire fence thank you Chris he's hardcore he's he dumb he's he dumb John fucking Moxley of the farmland Yeah

All right if nobody else has one I'm going to do the long I have another one You do one on the long This is excellence in customer service From Robert My car has keyless start Oh

Mr. Fancy Pants Robert's rich Wherever he is Yeah Rich kid McGee My car has keyless start Which is convenient Except that the one place

It sometimes won't start is at my assigned parking spot at my apartment complex my car won't start because it doesn't see the key fob. I called Cadillac to ask and they said it's a frequency problem and I need to live somewhere else.

You know, I think Robert called them at like 8.59 when they close at 9 p.m. customer service. And the guy was like, hold on, let me work through your trouble. Fuck you. Just move somewhere else. I've got to clock off in a minute, dude.

Sorry. Yeah, buy American fuck off. Can I go double math? Yes. Oh, please do. From one, Matt. Dad's muffler was so busted, it would set off neighbor's car alarms. Pick up after that.

That had to sound like a NASCAR machine coming down the street. Fucking SR-71 firing up. Like the hound of the bat. Laskerville's as a car. The goddamn ghost rider coming down to the neighborhood. Pick up after football practice also meant teammates going,

Matt, your dad's going to be here in five minutes. Here he comes. A distant howl. Your dad is just Galactus with a car. He must rise. He has a herald. He hungers.

From a different Matt. I used to work at a jiffy loop. One day I fell through an engine bay on a 12-hour shift and had to walk it off. There's a reason, so they wouldn't drug test the entire shop. It's called being a teammate. Solidarity. I lied. I have two more. This is John. When I was about 13. My parents piled us five kids into the car for a two-hour drive to the lake. John, this is a lot of math, but it's worth it. About 30 minutes in, my youngest brother, about eight at the time, decided he needed to use the restroom. Dad was determined not to stop. And passed back a bottle for him to use. Brother then proceeded to miss the bottle and pee all over me in the middle seat.

and dad's determination meant I sat covered in pee for the remainder of the trip wow here's the last line I feel bad for John right up to this point safe to say my brother will never live this down John John your brother's not the one who's not living this down my father-in-law my father-in-law refuses to stop on road trips and when I joined the family my husband said he's not going to stop on road trips and I said who holds all the power me because I can just pee like we can just stop we have to stop and you know what he stops on road trips now so you're just fine this is a real

I had never thought of that as a cudgel called his called his bluff I'm gonna do it. This is a real like, society only functions because of the consent of the governed. I can say. Tyranny was overthrown

on that day. Am I being detained, sir, or am I free to start peeing? Listen, I got him to stop like four times on an eight-hour road trip. It worked great. I put the fear in him.

God, you know that shit was killing him, though. Like, oh, my God. You said four times on an air trip and I was like, like my teeth kind of started to grind. Oh, no, no. No, you don't understand. That's better than normal, which is every 45 minutes. We just got to stop. We got to see the scenery. Like, um, sometimes we get a submission where I go, did I submit this when drunk under a pseudonym? Because this, this might be me.

Uh, first car was a 1988, Mercury Tracer. It was a red hatchback. By the time I got it, mice and squirrels and taking it over it. A habitat. a biome driving your own terrarium around it's pretty nice gaze upon my minions they chew

familiar that's all yeah just driving around the secret of NIM this is pretty dope fucking snow white yeah my car is a Bluth brothers production

this is cool they chewed through the wiper fluid pump first so it kept a little bottle of windex to spray while leaning out the window at speed.

Do you know how hard I would lose my shit if I look over and you're doing that? Also, the AC was full of nesting material. So if you turned it to the max, or acorn speed, as my friends called it, it would blow it all in your face. This happened so often that it became a meme They named the process for this

Ethan, how did you not die of Hanta virus? That's what I want to know It died via a blown head gasket During Rush Hour on 66 I miss it dearly So do the mice, so to the mice To get home for them Acorn Speed is like a made-up drug

On Law & Order SVU Kids call it Acorn Speed I'm acorn maxing All right, one more Listen, I got one more At least, okay I got one more You got one more?

I got one more Okay, so you'll take it I'll talk to one Dude, all right Tom Caught our ride home from college At the end of the semester From a buddy who lived in the Philly area

I'm from New Jersey He was going to drop me off At the mall outside of Philly Shout out King of Prussia Where my dad would pick me up And take me home We went to Carnegie Mellin So it's about a four and a half

Five-hour Ruffer ride to the mall. I loaded up my suitcase in the trunk of his dazzled Lexus and hit the button to close it. He refused to shut. After 15 minutes of moving luggage and attempting to close the trunk, we realized the trunk was malfunctioning and it wouldn't latch properly to stay closed. So I essentially wired tied the back hatch to one of the hand grips in the car with eight shoelaces tied together from the two pairs of shoes I was bringing home, one of which were on my feet. It worked.

The only problem was the car had a safety feature that when the trunk wasn't latched, it would beep loudly. Like if you weren't wearing a seatbelt. So I made my friend stop at the liquor store before getting on the Pennsylvania Turnpike where I bought a bottle

of vodka and throughout the five-hour ride, we blasted breaking Benjamin and I took poles of vodka to Drown out the fucking beeping. We get to the mall, and I am hammered. Get in the car with my dad, and as we were heading home,

I drunkenly explained the story, and he asked, how did you keep the trunk shut? I go to answer and then realize I'm not wearing any shoes. I wore flip-flops the entire winter break, and haven't listened to Diary of Jane Sons. Damn. Heroic. From Jesse.

Trick or treating was late. Because of the argument between my parents, after my dad, what did dad do this time, shot a hole through the dashboard of his 86 Nova with his brand new Colt 9-11 because he was too excited to not play with it while driving on Highway 41.

A couple blocks away from the courthouse. You can't do that anymore. This is like a Florida checklist. Oh, no, buddy. This was in Terre Haute. In the same car, he backed over the same dog twice. In the driveway. This one is from Jared.

This is a Texas story, and then we're going to do a little bit of trivia. Jared in 2005 is driving his 99 Ford F-150. That's right. 5,000 tons of American freedom. He headed down Highway 6 between College Station and Houston. Oh, I know Highway 6. Yeah, yeah.

Do you like it when the construction is blocked off either side? Yeah, so it's just a tunnel and you can't steer? You have to just like, yeah. I love acting construction on both sides of the side. existing highway. Yes, when you put the cruise on control on and you're going 75 because it's Texas. 85 in some places?

That's correct. I think that Alana said that like you went to high school with Highway Six. I'm very familiar with Highway 6, okay? Highway 6 on your mom. It's like the one that goes through town. A lot of really cool shit happens there. Lots of street racing goes on in the middle of the night I can hear it.

Highway 6, I heard you're building a bomb as big as a bus. So he then down Highway 6 and he sets the cruise control on 75 and notices he's going 80. Notice he's going 85. He notices he's going 90. Jared is freaked out because the car, the truck will not stop accelerating and there is nowhere to pull off on either side because he is just in a hell shoot loaded with other traffic and a bullet called an F-150. And he begins feverish braking, attempting to slow down and disengage the cruise control. It won't go.

He's able to reduce the speed a little bit with braking. But any time he lets off the brake, the engine revs up. because accelerating towards maximum speed. Keep in mind, I am doing this while driving with other vehicles on the road and with active construction happening on both sides of the highway. After he literally stood up while compressing

the brake to come to a crawling roll, he shifted into park, at which point the engine lets out a horrid noise, and a billow of black smoke pours out from both sides of the trunk, and he's come to a complete stop. He calls the service manager at the dealership, which, if I'm the service manager, I'm like, yeah, brother, I don't know.

you have a demon yeah be healed I'm saying the same thing as the other guy you should move yeah you should move you should leave that there and start your life over

don't laugh I know some of you in this audience are like my car needs new tires I'm just gonna get a new car I know someone in this crowd has done that don't raise your hand I'll like you too much

following the following the memorable quote from the service guy He says something, pulls, goes in, looks at the engine, pulls a random part off, and throws it in the pasture beyond the construction zone.

Just heaves it and goes, The demon. Yes. And then says, with what I can imagine was only the thickest East Texas accent, you're good. Okay, so fun fact about Highway 6,

the speed limit has actually gone from 75 to 70. And I think Jason has an answer for this. Why? Do I? Yeah, because of woke. Nobody wants to drive it. You were supposed to know.

I failed, you know why I failed? You failed so terribly. I failed because of work. But you need to know about Jared, by the way. He still drove to Houston. Hell yeah. And that has been automotive disasters. do you have for me? Okay, so

I'm going to let Alanis, you're going to get to pick and I need you to bring the mic. Raise your hand if you would like to play. We're only going to pick one person. We can do a couple. Okay, you pick one. Okay, come on. More hand. This guy looks confident. You know what?

Okay. Let's do it. Okay. You had to hand up, like, straight away. Um, let's go. All right. First of all, hi. What's your name? Jeremiah, my ass is sore.

Thank you for coming. Jeremiah, what is this jersey we have on? The Miami FC? Oh, it's a fun, fun fact. This is a Ford Madison jersey. Oh. They are a team based in Wisconsin. Okay.

I am from Chicago, and we are in Indiana. This is all fine. This is all fine. I wear this shirt whenever I get too nervous. All right. So, Jeremiah, you are playing for a $100 gift card to home field apparel. Get out. Whoa.

Nice. Thank you. Thank you for raising the baby. Thank you for picking me. If you win this, Spencer doesn't have any clothes money. No. So I'm going to give you a question, and then Spencer, I'm going to give you a follow to his question, and we're just going to keep score and see who can win, okay?

Okay. We're going to start easy, I think. for both of you. Georgia Tech has a famous 1930 Ford Model A Sport Coupe. What is the name of this vehicle, Jeremiah? Oh.

You can shout for Jeremiah. I don't care if you're on it. Oh, the rambling wreck? Really? That's where they get the name from? That is correct. I thought it was a bunch of white men just running around. All right, Jeremiah has a point. Spencer, there are two golden penance fastened to the rambling wreck.

What do they say, and they each say something different, and I need both answers. Remind you that Spencer's an alum from this esteemed university. How many games did I attend while I was going to? I just said you were an alum. Yeah. It's not a lot of games. I had a car. Zero.

It was Chan Galey. I wouldn't watch that shit. You lived in Atlanta for 20 years. What does it say on the pennants? Does one say to hell with Georgia? One does say to hell with Georgia. What does the other say? And a hell of an engineer?

That is incorrect. It says, give them hell tech. Oh, nonsense. Okay. Give them hell tech. Jeremiah, Reggie Bush has never appeared in a Heisman House commercial so far. What automaker sponsors those commercials? Nissan.

That's correct. Spencer Boo! Tremendous My shoes cost more than your house! You are wearing hokas. Spencer. While he was a student and football player at USC,

what car was Reggie Bush, of being given cash to purchase. I want to say it's a Mercedes? A 1996 Chevrolet Impala S.S. God damn, that's way cooler. That's way cooler. That's different. Nice. I can see you've written the exact same difficulty for the question for him and the question for me.

I appreciate that. How are you so bad at this? I know. Crazy. Jeremiah, Jeff Gordon won his first Daytona 500 in February. 1997, which college football team won the national title in the Sugar Bowl

a month earlier? A month before that Daytona 500. Was it Florida? Really? Folks, you can lifeline, Jeremiah. Okay, phone a friend. Jeremy, pick an audience member

for a lifeline. Yeah, you. Florida? Florida. That's correct. It wasn't Florida, Did you know? Thanks for reopening that. 52.24, yeah. I fuck to do that. I should ask you that. I should ask you that. Yeah, yeah. Instead, you're going to ask me some bullshit. I'm ready. Yeah. Let's be some deep bullshit.

Jeff Gordon has had two colleges as sponsors on his car. And you know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? I will let you ask for help for this one. both of which got special paint schemes with the school colors what were these schools okay hey Lance

University of Phoenix and DeVry no I know I know one of them okay what's one of them what do you think is one of them I have no fucking

yeah I see DuPont just tell him you can tell him yeah okay so Texas A&M Texas A&M is one 2016 who is the other

Pennsylvania. Penn State. That is correct. Whoa! Yeah. That was awesome. Yeah. Yeah, bring it.

We have a turn code in the front row. What do you guys think of that? It doesn't matter what you think. Okay. Spencer's building a coalition. Jeremiah? You have a free one lead, but it's going to get a little harder now. Okay.

Which of the following car companies has not been... has not been a title sponsor of a bowl game. Mazda, Hyundai, Mitsubishi, Chevrolet, or Plymouth. Plymouth. Plymouth, that sounds like a bitch brand, yeah. From 1995 to 1997, we all watched the Plymouth Holiday Bowl. Get out! See, I was born in 88.

Is it Chevy? Is it Chevy? It is Chevy, but you don't get any points for that. I know. Wow. But I'm very smart. Spencer. Stealing valor from our guests.

Which car company has sponsored two different bowl games? Let's see. Motherfucker, did someone say Ferrari? It is Monica Week. Two. I'm going to go with Hyundai. It's Mazda, which sponsored the Gator Bowl from 1986 to 1991 and the Tangerine Bowl

from 2002 to 2003. Oh, well, I'm still very smart. Duh. Our last question, Jeremiah is already won. Just. But we're going to do my last question, and you're going to see why. Papa John Schneider Amongst other

delightful accomplishments is known for his beloved muscle car which he brought behind the end zone at a 2016 Louisville home game and did burnouts Jeremiah what is the make and model of that car

I think is transition Is it Camaro or Trans Am? It's a Camaro. Chevy Camaro. That is correct. Wow. Awesome.

Bonus points if you can tell them what color it was. Spencer. Who was Louisville playing in that game? I will say, from my brain alone and not from a guy in the third row. that's Spencer's sleep paralysis demon there was a there was a W.W.E. basement match where Owen Hart got knocked out or knocked out Ken Shamrat with a weight and then he turned

to the camera and he goes, I did it all myself. That's me right now. Duke. Yes, that's correct. Give it up for Jeremiah. Thank you.