Shutdown Fullcast - Back To School

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Catching up with a couple of our favorite coaches, and also Greg Schiano San Marcos legend Alex Kirshner joins the show to know some ball at us Rushing to the defense of our beloved Mountain Dew A harrowing back-to-school shopping trip Spencer pioneers fast fashion This week's theme song arranged and performed by Wes Hunt Tickets still available for our festival show in Raleigh! More info here: https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/41961499/the-sports-podcast-festival-raleigh-the-rialto Also on sale: tickets for our show at Furnace Fest in Birmingham! https://www.seetickets.us/event/shutdown-fullcast-live/603983 Follow Jason's work and upcoming book-related appearances on Vacation Bible School, Shutdown Fullbooks, and elsewhere at jasonkirk.fyi Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at channel-6.ghost.io Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing podcasts, We're Not All Like This and Buried Treasure, and check out his new project at assigned.substack.com  Purchase only the finest Fullcast gear at sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What you've been calling? What's been working for you on third and long? Coach, I appreciate you asking. Coach, here at the Colorado State University. I was going to say the University of Colorado State. Colorado State University. We've mainly been dialing in on RPO's, RPO action. We've been playing the quick game a lot. A lot of crossing routes, a lot of mesh, a lot of mesh, coach.

But primarily our priority is getting the ball to Torrey Horton, NFL caliber wideout we have out there. We usually line them up on the left side and then just fucking, wing it as far as we can. My quarterback has three first names and they're all very Caucasian. So obviously we're going to throw that ball. And so basically that's our game plan is just have people run sideways and have Torrey run straight. I think, listen, I love that identity. I love what you're doing with the program there. I'm real proudy. How about you, coach? How are things going down in Denton? You know, at Denton, they're going real good. We got ourselves a, we got ourselves a starchy white boy.

We got Chandler Morris at QB. Like Morris Chandler, Chandler, Chandler, it really does work either way. He could start for Georgia, but he's in Denton instead because he appreciates the magic of free jazz and 5-8 timing. Speaking of timing, by the way, we are dialing in on air raid basics. That's what we've really done. But you know what they don't expect in Denton, a defense? A timely one at that. We're going to give up some yards between the 20s, but let me tell you what, we've got some ball hawks. Shouldn't be surprised when you consider our logo, but nonetheless, they keep throwing it and we just keep catching it.

It's so true, coach, eagles are hawks. I've always maintained that. It's particularly the green ones. As a matter of fact, that's what I like, now a yellow hawk, that's more of a condor, coach. I'm sure you concur. As I've read in Dave Campbell's Texas preview this past season. Hey, listen to Tim Campbell's listening to this, man. I love you.

Shout out to Dave Campbell. Even though I'm here at Colorado State University, we still recruit the Lone Star State hard. We recruit it heavy. Now, coach, in your dynasty with North Texas Mean Green, I worry that our parallel universes have overlapped to some extent, Coach, because the Rams, we went 10 and 2. We went 10 and 2, despite being plopped into the lowest conference in a pro-relegation set up across college football that was imposed by some cruel deity who had just appeared. We managed to claw our way out. I have no idea who did this to us, Coach.

We were given a D plus in conference prestige, though we were not in a fucking conference. That's how bad things were, coach. Damn. We managed to claw our way with our ram horns to the edge, to the precipice coach of the CFP. We were ranked 10th in the country heading into our final fucking game. Do you know who the fuck we played in that game? The goddamn North Texas Mean Green. That's right.

Where we lost. and your boy Chandler stole my boy Tori's Heisman You took my playoff spot And my Heisman, you fucker I'm not going to apologize for competing And it wasn't even you It was an alternate version of you

We're not even in the same dynasty I think Was the coach 7 foot 1 and 400 pounds? No, I was the tallest coach on the field I'm sorry, did you say it was a perm? he's got this like he has this like wavy hair that I imagine is supposed to just kind of look like it's supposed to look curly but honestly from most angles it's rendered as a fucking perm I thought they gave me like a I thought they gave me like a me option in the I just want to tell you it if you're hearing the sound of my voice right now and you chose anything other than a recruiter or a motivator you're a fucking nerd developer you want your players to get better at technique why aren't you a motivator Why aren't you channeling the power of Christ and Newt Rockney to make your players better?

Why aren't you gassed up on 438 different shitty motivational books that you just put in a blender and drank for breakfast that morning with 60 grams of high-grade weight protein? Why aren't you that? Why aren't you a better man? Why aren't you making your players better through staring at them and pointing? Teaching them shit? Yeah. Why aren't you reminding them that they're the extension of a thousand?

thousand people who decided to survive. Yeah. What are you going to do with the thousand and first, okay? Yeah. Every day, every day ain't given. It's taken. What are you doing? Why isn't your coach a seven foot one,

400 pound slab of pure motivational energy? Talk to them. It's in the book. It's in the good word. Coach, as you know, I'm a recruiter. So what I do is I just pile these young men into this facility, this beautiful, glimmering, gleaming facility that we have up here in Fort Collins. Pretiest town in America, might I add.

Lovely weather. Lovely fucking weather. We got a first round draft pick, won a Beletnikoff, won 10 football games. Coach, when I pile these young men here in a top 35 recruiting class, top 35 recruiting class, despite being in a D-minus conference, coach, I'm just leaning on my ability to sway hearts and minds, which isn't hard. I got a lot to work with here in Fort Collins. Got a lot to work with. It's easy, frankly.

I don't know why they pay me money. That's how easy it is to recruit young men to Fort Collins. If you don't come to Fort Collins. Collins, God's going to kill me. You got to understand. If you don't come before Collins, I'm going to kill myself because that is how that is how stack the deck is in my favor in getting your ass to Colorado State Universe.

You want to go play for, you going to play for Dion? He's not going to be there eight minutes from now. And I beat his ass on the field last year. That's right. That's right. It's not him because they couldn't afford to pay him money to be in the game. But I beat some guy who has Dion's job last year. So I couldn't beat Spencer, even though he's not in the game either.

are you even are you even a real coach if you're not threatening to kill yourself that's how much twice that's how much i love Colorado State University in his house after dinner after yeah I'll do it on the fucking field if I have to go back to the arm forces pole again this lasagna was so good I don't want to eat ever again oh after after not Spencer's north Texas knocked me out of the fucking play off I had to play in the armed Forces Bowl against Rutgers and my daughter walks in and she was like why is this game about the cops and I was like god damn I've really let down Colorado State she saw the USA shit everywhere and she was like I don't know about this game who won the armed forces bowl don't worry about it no

well Ryan it was it was it was in between signing days um and we just won a baletnikov award so we were partying our asses off about that and we got promoted back to the mountain west so we were really living high. We were not focused on the State University of New Jersey. Here's the real issue. Spencer, what did Greg Shiano say today? Now there's a motivator. Give us the Greg Shiano quoted the day.

When I was talking about, why aren't you a fucking motivator? Why aren't you out there compelling your team to be better through the sheer power of your gigantic hardened mind? But heart first, because the mind is a commie. This is why, this is why, because Greg Shiano, according to Marcus Hartman, friend to the program, great big reporter. And God created a degree of being so fucking back that even he couldn't quantify it. Oh, we are so back. I wasn't ready for football season.

And then I read this shit. Greg Shiano says, quote, there's two great thieves in this world. The past and the future. Oh, shit. He has the soul of a wide receiver in a third string line backer's body. Absolutely. Do you know, when they debuted Otis, all right, on Funkmaster Flex's show, it took them 22 minutes to play the song because he kept stopping and rewinding and dropping flex bombs and being like,

if you see a cash register, just put your hand in it right now and take that money. It's yours, New York. That's what I hear when I'm here this quote. I want to rewind it and just drop flex pops, right? The past. And the future. Fucking Greg Uncut Gem Shiano

up for here. Do you want, like, do you want to know how hard this man is motivating right now? Do you know how many coach points he just put into himself for this season? There is no technicianing happening there. No.

None. There's not a single X or O in that man's brain. Do you know what play he likes to run? Motivate. That's it. Coach, I'm calling that play. I'm calling it now. That's what we're running.

Meanwhile, Jason's Colorado State coach's FaceTiming recruits with a gun in his hand being like, I'll do it. I will do it. I'm on the sideline like, y'all go out there and play sports. I'm going to get to work. Don't give a fuck what you two out there on the field. Throw it to Tori. He's open. He's always open.

You got the old school Bluetooth in, right? You're just like talking through the entire... The ref thinks I'm talking shit to him. No, I'm talking shit to Dion. Joe Kumar-style two flip phones on the sidewalks. They call me Kevin Gates out there. I will put my hands on this car battery and start it if you will go to Colorado State University. That as well, additionally.

I will give you $200,000 in a duffel bag to be my Valentine. Seriously, do you want the moon? I will bring the moon to you tonight. All the emotional warfare of a high schooler without coping skills brought to bear on high schoolers without coping skills. I made you a mixtape! With six and seven figure salaries on the line. You've never seen a proposal like this.

Sign a letter. Man, we're lucky that they don't have time to absorb anything else in their lives. Can you imagine if just one major recruiter coach had ever seen Moonstrout? I will give you my hand. I will give you my hand. Yeah. Graciano is going to look at his team and go, you know, a lot of people, they use plastic or they use cheaper metal for their pipes. But we use copper.

Because we care. You're copper. You're all copper pipes. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm going to steal you for drug money. I'm going to rip you out of the walls if I have to. Sell you for money. If this 16-year-old does not come in on the spot!

You're worth so much more than anyone would ever believe. That's why you're copper. Everyone else looks at you, and they see garbage. I see a payday. I've pretty much written him off at this point. But if somebody came back to me with... You see a grown man pushing a shopping cart down a football field filled with wire. That's what I'll do for this program.

I'll steal copper wire from the walls of strange houses. Just to get you to go to my school. How go bubbles? on this shit. That's how we fight back. I'll go to jail to beat UNLV. I don't give a shit. Listener, you may be wondering, are these actual options in the game?

Absolutely, they are. All of these things and more. All of them are there, yeah. It's a very involved game. Do you know how much I would just like 100% turn back to being for Billy Napier? If somebody was like, yeah, one of the recruits told me he was threatening to kill himself if he didn't come to Florida. I would be like, out of boy. Add a boy.

Motivator. Motivator. Spencer, what transpired in your first game with the game? Let's see. My first game with the game, I played with North Texas, and I was super conservative and still managed to throw two picks anyway in five-minute quarters. Only two? I know.

It was pretty good. Like, it was pretty decent, but I kept it very simple. And I managed to win 21-14 in my first game. So not too bad. I know other people have had, if you go online, you'll find people who are like, bro, F-C-S-E-E-E. beating my ass. It's like 31.7. I mean, I'm like 65-52 in it every every fucking week. We put on a goddamn show. That's right. That's right. I get these

recruits in here. You know why? Because it's a circus. Because we have fun. That's what we do here. We have fun. Not on defense. We don't play past defense. Defense is having fun. Scampering about, frolicking and so forth. Do you want to be the best conditioned defense in the nation? Come run with us. I simulate defense. I don't even look at Coach, you got this. I got to go recruit. I don't give a fuck. What?

I can turn around. The number's bigger? Great. We're going to throw it to Torrey. Our number will get bigger. Wait, you run the full Spurrier? You're just like, nah, not even looking at. This is the Lincoln Riley.

I'm pretty sure. Yes. It's Lincoln Riley, except I'm good at it. Spurrier would watch defense so he could laugh. Lincoln Riley is just like Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Watch it to come up with things to make fun of the defensive coordinator about. But he has a coordinator. He is a, I think he's a most.

Motivator. So, like, this is the best they can do, man. 52 is the best you can get out of those boys. I love the idea of a defensive guy being a mode of favor. That's so must champ, right? Just like, Will, harder, faster. Break shit. Hit somebody. Won't. Hey, speaking of shit tons of mesh. Coach, Coach, Kershner, can you hear me? Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. Coach, thank you so much for calling in. Coach, we're just, we're just checking in on each other's performance so far this season. Coach, now what school have you ended up taking the helm of? Is it the Maryland Terrapins you're leading to glory by chance?

No, no, no. I'm not trying to be challenged in that way. I took over the Texas State Bobcats. Oh, so you're down there in the Lone Star State alongside Spencer? I am. I'm in what Reese Davis calls before every home game. San Marcos, Texas, one of the continually inhabited places of the United States. He does say that, yeah.

It's definitely one of them. it's it's unquestionably inhabited i mean it has been continually it's getting more and more inhabited with the way you're recruiting it's just it has been yeah okay it's just one of the one of the continually inhabited it's like it is it is a location san marcos we don't leave no and it's true we are the character of the town is changing as we stack win on win on win on win on win on win coach uh What have been the biggest lessons for you from this season? What have you gleaned that you've been passing along to these young men?

You know, I've been passing along the importance of clean living, you know, always recording podcasts and making sure that you're getting a good night's sleep. And we've been scheduling very tough. So I think I've been telling these young men to kind of run toward the fire, the fire being home games every year against the likes of, you know, Texas, Notre Dame, et cetera. Home games. So the San Marcos is continually inhabited by Notre Dame. Yeah, these schools are desperate to come and see the area.

I think it's San Antonio is a very easily accessible airport. Yeah, yeah. Alex, what style of coach are you? So I would say that I would say that I'm a style of coach who doesn't really care about his athletes. Smart. There's so many of them. So motivator. It's a common archetype.

I hear motivator. Recruiter, actually. That's right. That's right. This is the way. Okay. I discard these guys with Urban Meyer-like energy. It's been really fun. It's getting harder and harder to tell the two of you to apply.

Alex, Urban Meyer's problem was that he didn't discard several players, frankly. This is a good point. But style of play-wise, I think it's important to run a lot of speed option and wait until the last possible moment so that your quarterback really takes it for the team. at pretty much every opportunity. Sure. I have had a quarterback injury on a speed option pitch already, and I don't regret it. I have lied to my players. I've lied to my guys about, like, you know, basically implying to my offensive linemen

that we're going to change our playing style. We're not doing that. So I have a question about it. Who is the offensive lineman who's like, I have thoughts about our plagues? Hey, I have play with feedback as guard. So there's like every player has a player type. lineman it's like are they a power guy or like an agility guy and like if they're a power guy they want more rushing yards so you can say like oh yeah we're going to work on that okay gotcha

yeah no you have a pass protector left guard like i had an 84 overall pass protector left guard named arthur crane and arthur was a bit of a bit of a glory kid out here and we gave up so many sacks that he decided he didn't want to be part of the program anymore i told him that we would stop giving up sacks but oh you know we're not going to stop giving up our values our values sorry this is so good you really sound like a you really sound like a coach calling in to talk shit about what you're saying san marcus is continually occupied so is our backfield all right continue occupied by people except arthur fucking crane this is asking get out of here yep yep some of us take the opportunity with video games to

to live to live out other lives to live as other people and i appreciate alex bringing his entire actual personality into this game and forcing it upon these young men as as it's it's there's a there's an elegant simplicity to it that I really did you guys did you did you realize that the uh in the recruiting screen one of the things that you can do to appeal to a young man who is brand conscious is to let him record a podcast on his official visit oh no that's a thing that we got we got ben dropping him from the fucking board immediately it's in the game i don't know i've been having my virtual guys on on split zone duo and i think it i think it really brings us closer before i disregard their safety i would love to listen to what

those 17 year olds have to say about like fucking logan paul is awesome or whatever it is yeah like like it's just like five or six of the most like entry level brain flex thoughts ever right like yeah you should listen to the huberman podcast it's real good you should get a logo by the guy with an edits in a z and his in his instagram handle That's what I did. Yeah. My gamer tag is The Grim Reaper Smoking a Joint surrounded by Cash.

It's really cool. My friends, I think I have a group of 17-year-olds in the restaurant inside, and I just told them that I was walking out to take a phone call. I could Tuberville this thing and roll, but I think I have to get back to my coach. You're a recruiter at heart. You've got to stick to what's good for you.

Thanks, Coach. We're going to talk about the blue sky thing now. Oh, yeah. I just want to tell, like, listen, this is this podcast, not yours. Coach, how does it feel to no ball? Yeah, Coach, do you just want to tell everybody suck your ass now or later? No comment. No comment.

No comment. I wish everyone well, and I'm looking forward to all of us coming together in November or be early voting. Coach, I just wanted to give you the opportunity to retract your apology at this time. I apologize. I think it was more of a more of, you know, I wish everyone well. I look forward to seeing everyone. better than you're a better person than all of us but that was true before this show and it'll be true Alex I'm your I'm your I'm just going to go ahead and translate it as you know yeah we'll change our

playing style that's that's 100% what I'm going to do yeah absolutely absolutely we are going to start past protecting in the run up to November thanks coach uh what a wildly bad job for you to have anywhere sidel delightful young man oh I would be listen I'd be great at it let's see you have to be responsive. I'd be great at it in both directions. You have to have information ready. Not my experience with some SIDs. That's actually not true at all. Yeah, no, keep

going. Keep going. I guess I'm the asshole. It turns out. You know what I would do? I would answer the phone like Claude Felton. That'd be like, well, hello. Well, hello. Are you going to be the SID? Cloud is the model, man. Are you going to be the SID who calls people and choose them out? No, no, no, no.

Claude is the one who, Cloud is the one who is the one who is so goddamn genteel. you've never even if you're in the south it's highly likely you've ever met somebody in real life who is actually genteel it's just a word we like to use uh when we can't mother fuck somebody and claud is one of those guys who will have you on the phone for 30 minutes and when you get off the phone you realize he turned down and stonewalled everything you said and you had no idea he was doing it because he's so goddamn nice i would just do it lea i would just be the mike lee too man i'd be like that's a really good question hey are you aware of uh

The sort of human toll of building the Kohima Impal Road in Myanmar, what formerly known as Burma, is very interesting. Like, they just hang up. They just hang up. I'd be the best at this. Do you want to start the show now? No, I have one more thought. Hang on there, Coach.

Coach. Coach has one more thought. I want to do something in this game where, so I have a version of the F-1 game that they make, the official F-1 game. And as a driver, I watched some. somebody on YouTube, crash out, finish last in every race, and then see if they could get a new ride. Because if you're playing their road to glory, right? If you're playing their career mode, you could just fuck up and crash every single time. And they're like, sorry, you can't

drive for Ferrari anymore. And then this cutscene comes up and they're like, but we've got one last offer for you. And it's Williams. But if you play it enough times, you cycle through the team so that like, if you're the worst driver and you kill eight people a season and you and you're just last, last, last. Eventually, you end up back with good teams because the game sort of runs out of options. They're like, I don't know, you want to drive for Ferrari again? Do you want to be at the top?

So what I want to do in NCAA, I'm sorry, EA College Football 25, what I want to do is I want to see if I could just make the worst possible coaching job, right? Like hire me as a DC and I will just allow 70 points a game and then see if I get another offer in career. mode or if they just tell you to retire if they're like hey you should go sell insurance i mean this is what jean chisick was trying for a good stretch of his career and then camp dut and fucked it all up because if you want to make it realistic what you would do is you always get another job and a lot of the time it might even be a better job than the one you had even though you just

allowed 70 points a game and got three DUIs during the season right like it might be i want to see what the game would do if you just tank, tank, tank, tank, tank, and try to get fired and see if you get better jobs. I mean, Akron always needs a defensive coordinator. People been waiting on this game for a decade, and out here, Spencer's, like, let's do the dumbest shit possible. Like you're going to scandal your way off Liberty's list? Best, they'll just stick you in the corner for a minute.

They just make you an analyst at Bama. You've been offered, analyst at Bama. They put you in short pants. This coach is bright, inquisitive, and crate trained. A pleasure to have a glass. He makes $23,000. But he's still sitting on an $8 million buyout with the Denver Broncos. Wait, wait, can you be a GA in this game?

You could hack that manual, that mode yourself, by like not touching the controller. It would be a fun little side quest to just like what it would be a fun little like not not I'm not asking for you know a fully realized feature because I know that these things take time and resources and whatnot but just like a little like GA

marriage health meter on the side. I mean the road to glory as he slowly alienates his young family. Some of the road to glory stories that I heard for the pleasure of getting lane sandwiches strongly point towards you have a GA

future. Like, it's a lot of people who are like, I'm going to start as an underdog two-star running back. And three years in, they're like, I haven't seen the fucking field. It's a, you do road to glory and you're like, all right, I'm going to go for the whole big underdog story. And it's like, okay, you're getting the whole underdog story. Okay, you're not going to play. And you are a GA pretty soon. Like, I'm going to be a two-star quarterback, but I'm going to be a freshman starter at like a shitty skin. It's like, Uh, no, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're back up at even Kennesaw State. Yeah, that's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coach, uh, should we, should we motivate these, uh, motivate this show to get rolling? Great call, coach. To the shutdown fool cat. That's right. You're listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I'm coach. Joining me this weekend is coach along with Ryan Nanny and Holly Anderson. This week, we got a guest engineer.

We got Jeremy over here from UCF. If we have any UCF propaganda. From UCF, I like that that suggests. UCF set over like yeah he works in the physical plant but he'll edit the podcast this week it's fine from UCS podcast department I didn't I didn't I didn't put forth the inaccurate and classist slander of saying that they only produce night managers for hope he liked Jeremy yeah I didn't do that who said otherwise what you produce more podcasters than broadcasters though so I do That's the way of the future. The future is what it's called.

Yeah. Innovation. Space you. The University of Florida only produces now podcasters, political grifters, and actual grifters. That's it. That's one thing. You described one thing.

That's true. Actually, I just described one thing. Yeah, that's true. Grifters, we just produce grift. Can I derail us with something that's been weighing on my heart for a little bit here? Sure. I don't think that we try to, intentionally hot take anything. We certainly have hot takes. That's just sort of the nature of

talking about sports and talking about the world sometimes, but I don't think we're trying to be intentionally provocative. I want to preface that ahead of what I want to say. And I also want to say that issues of criminal justice, I take very seriously. I'm not trying to make light of them. I understand that it's a broken system. That said, Jean Valjean had to be so bad at crime based on what we are told in lay miss okay like all he did was and he admits this this is not like i was framed bread out of a house not a store idiot he took bread out of a house and got caught like i understand his sister's child where there's a bread yeah not a store where there's multo bread like you couldn't aladdin this shit you couldn't just go to the market and fucking swipe some

bread like how bad do you have to be at crime for them to be like you we caught we know that not only did you break a window pain you know what he got caught you know why he got caught because his name is jean valjean he might as well play for georgia like i just i feel like it gets glossed over that nothing in laymise has to happen if jean valjean could just be a little bit smarter of of a thief absolute garbage technique to be like, ooh, there's bread. I'll break this window pain to go get it. I agree. Nothing

in lay miss has to happen. Let Fantine's daughter continue to be raised in squalor. None of it has to happen, but it happens for three and a half hours. Yeah. Hey, whatever happened to like, you know, bloom where you're planted, right? Like, come on. I just think that, that to me changes the whole like, oh, you know, I've done all this time. She is blooming where she's planted. It's like the whole point

castle on a cloud i've done all this time you know i i finally got my yellow ticket to leave blah blah blah but it's and then and then has he reflected on after all these years of hard labor as a prisoner has he reflected and said okay i'm going back to crime but i'm going to refine my technique no he just immediately is like let's just steal these fancy candlesticks from the bishop who knows i was here who invited me and who very clearly knows who would have stolen these things. Like, there is a much shorter version of Le Miz. That is, John Valjean goes to prison for stealing a loaf of bread, does his 19 years or whatever, Jean Valjean immediately goes back to prison for stealing candlesticks.

End of show. End of entire show. It's just a story about a shitty thief. I don't like this because you've cut out all of Russell Crow's songs. Yeah, Russell Crow would still get one song. No, that's not enough. Maybe, maybe two. But also, Russell, no, in this version,

Russell Crow's not jumping off a bridge to get Colorado State recruits, that is. No. You know what that song's called, don't you? Five stars. So this is more time for singing. More time for singing. I know the bridge song isn't stars.

Do not fucking at me. It's fine. And if I've got to call but Elliot and ask him about. That's all. I just, I just, like, however you feel about Lehmus, Jean Valjean is an act.

absolute garbage thief that's it I how do you get caught for crime back then you had to see you do it you know those things that's it like back then crime was metal gear rules like they literally had to have an exclamation mark observing you had to be that person the witness and a cop both looking at you at the same time cardboard had not been invented yet so that was a real problem I have a cardboard cut out of a comely last that I'm putting in front of me while I steal the bread and they're like oh that lady's getting bread that's crazy I think all this time like like 200 years ago if you do a crime

just like walk 10 feet to the left yeah it was some guy over there it wasn't me yeah yeah what you have a photo of me or better yet just blamed the nearest demonized group right sure there it was the foreigner yeah back then totally This orphan child did it. Absolutely he did. He's left-handed. Of course he committed the crime. And people would be like, that man's right.

That left-handed Baptist boy, he did it. That's how easy crime was. He could have just gotten out of it by being like, I don't know, whose word you're going to take? Me or the Protestant? And then be like, ah! And meanwhile, like, I have breadcrumbs in my beard. There's half a loaf sticking out of my pocket.

And they were like, got to be in the Baptist. just you can also know they never had bread and the window was like that the people would be like it might be true you could literally you could smack someone's head in with an anvil and when you got there you could be like ah it just happened

his head just does that sometimes and they'd be like no no no there are witches in the area it's possible did you see anything I didn't see anything shows over that's my point like to get caught for this you have to be so fucking sloppy yeah that it le maize is a crime tutorial gone wrong and then the and then the closing number is just 20 minutes of jean valjean

singing about the like wonders of jail how awesome jail is like oceans 11 would blow jean valjean's mind you can lie about who you what okay we had alex hang up before we asked him about doing crimes again that he doesn't he doesn't like that though because he's so convinced that he would be He's so convinced he'd be good at it, and we're so convinced to which, Alex, if you're listening to this, prove it. Prove it. Alex, I believe in you. I maintain my singular scenario is, can you have Alex park in a fire lane without apologizing to everybody who passes by that he's parked in a fire lane because his friends are in the bank and they'll be out in a minute. I believe in you, buddy.

I'm willing to be convinced otherwise, but I have skepticism. excuse me officer officer can i park in this loading zone just for a minute what a great distraction that is think about that that's the thing just lean into it and then it's a really this is not this is not a dis he's pure of heart i said he's a better person this and i meant it do you think you could steal a loaf of bread and get away with it absolutely not no no no you don't think he could no no i couldn't because like i said you couldn't steal a loaf of bread all you have not eat the bread yet You're suspiciously, like, quiet in motion for such a big glute. That's true.

I am, I am, I am the obese cat burglar, the fat cat burglar. That's not what I said. I think you also, and this is not going to sound nice, and I apologize. I think you also, why start now? Now it's like Alex's back. Project a certain vibe of, oh, he doesn't, he didn't know he wasn't supposed to touch the Faberge egg. That's the surface bear.

No, it wasn't okay to do it. I think Spencer also has a thing where, like, people in suits look at Spencer, and they're like, man, it'd be so much better to just dress like that. Yeah. I want to be cool, like, Spencer walks into a business meeting, and every dork in there is like, where did it all go wrong? I should have just been Spencer. So those people... You're trying to say I could just, like, cuddle the Faberge and be like, hey, it'd be cool if I just walked out. And they're like, yeah, that would be so cool.

This guy's so cool. Let's just let him do that. He just fucking gets it. This guy gets it. Look, he just gets it. He's just built different, right? Right. Yeah, me and him, we're equally cool about stuff.

Who was AOL's, like, creativity, shingy or whatever? Like, you're kind of our dollar store shingy. What did you, Ryan, when you said this wasn't going to sound nice, what did you mean by that? Is this a nice part? I'm going to die. Coach shingy. It's the first time I've ever been sorry We're not on video

Because you guys didn't get to see Spencer at home Fall out of his chair In horror Shingie would have been like We're running and passing it at the same time It's not a run-pass option Because there's no option It's a rass

Sometimes I call it a run Mandatory is what it is He's just the tech motivator That's all Shingie is That's a great job Yeah It's a perfect line of work Motivator

Yeah As long as you can stay On the right side of stealing teen blood to keep yourself young it's a good job which side is the right side I never know frankly

because of woke you can't tell anymore because of woke you can't steal teen blood anymore that's right I can't threaten to kill myself in the EA college football game to get a recruit to commit because of woke that's why so Libs how triggered were we

the other day by the Diet Mountain Dew thing Christ Jesus I refuse to let there is so much more that unites us mountain dew than divides us caffeine-free diet coke that's it okay yeah so like i'm not going to let i'm not going to let any politician make mountain fucking do a wedge issue i'm just not nope it's a garbage move it's a garbage drink and it's for garbage everyone it's for everyone's garbage bodies yes that's right put it in me i'm not i'm not here to be my best self if I've got a

two leader of Mountain Holler, okay? That's not what I'm for. What I'm here is I'm, it's because my body craved yellow. My colors were off. But my colors were in balance. I don't got enough dye in me. I don't have enough yellow and green

in my system. I don't got enough yellow 32. But if I see you pounding Mountain Dew, my thought is not, oh, you must be racist. It's, oh, your pee is so weird. Your pee is is what it is. It's strong. You're so awake.

That's right. Like if you're crushing, if I see you crushing a mountain dude, do you know what I've assumed you've done for the day? Because, you know, when you wake up, day's potential, you could get an S on the day, right? Like, I think of it, again, we're going to return to a rubric that I think everyone can understand and language that everyone can relate to in order to reach as many people as possible. Life is metal gear. Sure. So you could get on this level, you could get an S, right?

we could give you an S grade. And around 8 o'clock, I think everybody is pretty much still lined up with S. At 805, if you crack a Mountain Dew, buddy, you're, we're at like a B physically, instantly. I think you've raised, it's going to feel like an S. You've raised the floor, though. You've raised the floor. F is off the table. That's right.

F is off the table, but S is also off the table. Yeah, come on. You got back going for you? How's this? We've started the interest-free loan that will. compound in a week on the coming day, right? Like, how much credit are you borrowing from tomorrow for today's gains? Let's put it in other terms, someone might understand. If you fire up that Mountain Dew and a cigarette at like 8.15 a.m., we are already in the like balloon loan.

I think maybe there is, because the other thing this got connected to was like, oh, the educated class looks down upon this. And I'll buy that maybe there is a bell curve where on the left side, if you haven't had much education and schooling, yes, you're drinking a lot of Mountain Dew. But I think on the right side, people who have gotten a lot of school How the fuck else do we get out of get through school? I think some of those people are pounding

just in the middle I will grate you. There are some people who are like, well, you know, I try to take care of myself and so I'm not drinking much Mountain Dew. But they're absolutely like, are you telling me there's never been a Pulitzer winner who doesn't have a mini fridge of Mountain Dew in the lab? That's not true.

They absolutely has been. A great list of great authors who I suspect have large fridges of Mountain Dew or would. Okay. Zadie Smith. Okay. Zaddy Smith 100%. She's got code red. She's got like a big refrigerator full of it.

Two, Herman Melville. If you've read Moby Dick, that dude would have had. Spermissetti was the Mountain Dew of its time. Let me put it this way. You don't write a 30 page chapter on like whale jizz unless you are jacked up. I was up all night reading the whale wiki. Right, unless you weren't jacked up. Yeah, exactly.

I was up all night reading the whale wiki, and I had like eight Mountain Dews. I didn't do any laundry. I should have, but I didn't. Hey, hey, hey, you want to know some whale facts? So. That man 100% had a cooler full of gamer fuel. And an inflatable. Yeah.

Next to the ship. Half the names could be Mountain Dew flavors. Mountain Dew Quikwag. It's cuddly The whale What happens in the end I caffeine crash and the boat sinks You know that's it

The whole book has written like a caffeine crash Right what happened The boat sinks, it's over It's done So just those two authors Is who we've got Those two I feel pretty confident Oh Kurt Vonnegut 100%

With slamming mountain Sure That's true Yeah Sure all the guys Absolutely But by the way I'm no longer the chief.

I used to be, I think, the chief whale facts expert on this particular podcast, a title that I just appointed myself now. But I will also revoke because I think. That was a brief stint. I think we have, I think I've been surpassed in this because, coach, we did talk about our game, but there's another coach here who's unlocked another game. What do you mean another game? Because I walked in yesterday and I found Holly in her element staring at the TV.

with a look of absolute bianfic, like, ah, found a game? I don't know, I don't know about that. Oh, no, no, this was a look of absolute, like, joy. You looked, you looked thrilled. What game, what game have you discovered, coach? The game, the game we're all playing. Yes.

Yeah. Which game is that? For example, what, you know, my ideal recruit has a carapist made up of a central line of five hardened scales with four more on either side. Leg shaped like fins with the forward pair longer than the rear and unable to draw his head and limbs into his shell so that his head may remain constantly on a swivel. Or that is the common green sea turtle, Colonium Midas, and I'm late to the launch of endless ocean. How are you going to catch the ball if you draw your limbs into your shell? See?

I just found Thanatos, the enormous great white shark feared throughout the Eugen C, where it is seen as the embodiment of evil and violence. It actively attacks people and boats, tallying numerous brutal incidents. Its many scars are proof of the countless battles. It is thought, and it is cunningly evaded all human attempts to ensnare it. This creature, I'm told, is a monster born of years of ferocious fighting that can be seen all over the world, but only rarely. And I've only unlocked 13% of the map.

We all remember the story where, at the beginning of the pandemic, I, like everybody else, settled down to play at Stardue Valley and I found it too stressful. Yeah, sure. And so I went to Animal Crossing. And then after a while, because Animal Crossing,

if you've been gone for a while and you come back, they yell at you. And I'm like, I don't need that in my life. And then I landed on Inless Ocean where the entire point of the game, and it is a massive game,

is click on that fish, and it'll tell you what that fish is. Y'all, I'm living. that's it that's the whole thing i'm fucking living okay so you're swimming around wikipedia yeah okay yeah literally surfing the web yeah so so this a scuba game right so you have found nature you have found evil in shark form but you just look at it you don't do anything to you don't defeat it or no you you catalog it for science you don't let's right okay no you say hey i found this fish here and you send it back to your imaginary oceanographic institute that fish has been

observed and known and also this shark's name is fucking thanatos yeah yeah I actually swim away from the shark actually very very quickly can the shark uh defeat you in some way no you can't run out of oxygen that would be stressful you can't run out of oxygen the sharks

don't attack you so you can like swim right up and look at them and take pictures of them and shit there are occasionally mysterious stone tablets that you find on the floor that like portent to a lost civilization I haven't really gotten into that part but it kind of seems like there's something happening down here. I just found an amethyst necklace

on the floor of the ocean, but I'm more excited about a shark. Can you award the necklace to the shark and be friend it that way? Of what use would the necklace be to Thadatos? He'll eat it. A eater of boats. Oh, dang, there's a hammerhead on me.

This Thanatos becomes Thanatos the pretty. That's all he wanted. He just wanted to be told he was beautiful. Purple and gray is a classic color combo. Thanatos, you look lovely today. Thank you Thanatos does what

Wait wait Wait why did you make Thanatose Bert Thanatose lonely So you could be the Ernie Aw That's what the guy's all about That's what it's all about

Is the ocean literally endless The what? Is the ocean literally endless Or are you bound by shores So this is the other great thing That I really like about this game Is the maps are enormous But it resets every time you go in

It makes it generates a new topographical map you never play the same one twice. Like a Diablo dungeon in which you're on the hunt for Thanatos. I'm just running around counting fish, y'all. Time of my life. So is there like a... This is the exact level of stress that I'm prepared to shoulder in my life right now. If heaven is real, this is where Bill Danz gets to go, right?

Did you see that fish? Yeah, because he's already under the water. Because he's already fill in and he's not drowning. Do you get to deploy via a boat? No, you are already in the water with. your little fins and your tank, and you can stay underwater for days. I'm on day 10 of this dive, and I have not come up

for air yet. This is great. Your blood's going to be a fucking mess. Fucking Namor down there. Hey, man, Mountain Dew, I'm already there. That's right. That's right. Did you know, if you put if you put Hivey's custom Mountain Dew knockoff, he-haw, the one with 3Bees,

into your bloodstream, you'll be immune to the bends. Can I say one thing to our brother, John Daniel, which is that I did not expect to learn a blessed thing from this discourse. And there are two store brand variants of Mountain Dew that I had

never heard of. Okay. Yeah. Which are? One of them is fair because it's the high V one and I've only been to Iowa long enough to get a speeding ticket. Okay. But the other one was, oh, Spencer, what was the other one? What for the other Mountain Dew knockoff? What was the other one that we'd never heard of? I was, listen, he-h-haw. Oh, yeah. It was he. Yeah. It was he-haw with three E's. Yeah, the high V one, yeah.

God, dang. So it's two E's for high V, and then two E's for the traditional spelling of He-Haw. And there's two of those E's just combine into one. That's right. The extra E is for... No, wait, there was... Shoot, there was another one that I had never heard of, and I don't remember what it was. Oh, Mountain Holler?

Yeah, yeah. I don't think. Yeah. My favorite has long been mountain moon drops. Not that I recall what it tastes like. I assume just like Mountaine. I am a mountain lightning. enthusiast if i must stray from the from the source of the mother fountain there's another one

that's just well there's one that's just like called mountain moo for it for a dairy farms store which i thought was pretty clever it's just mountain moo it's always mountain it's like if wiggles it's like if wiggles got to make their own i would try i would sample wiggles mountain dew 100% oh my god i might inject it hypodermically just no look it's got to be good for you there's this is this is my long way it's just called ramp I don't know about that one. Somebody put Serge in there, and people put up bumpers against Serge, like, no, too much power. Yeah, get fucked, no.

Surge is its own category, dog. Don't do that. I think Serge is in the tent. Surge is in the genre. I think Sirge is in the genre. I've explored two new genders in the past couple weeks in this family. And one is at the freestyle Coke machine at the movie theater, trying mellow, yellow mixed with Limeade. it looks like carbonated ectocooler

and made me see God but also this is not a sponsorship but if anybody ever wanted to sponsor us and we could actually beg outright for that which we've done for Mountain Dew

y'all they worked and it worked it did y'all they make powdered zero sugar sonic cherry lime made now oh yeah I've seen this like tang that you can store him it's a if it weren't zero sugar it would be a problem

as it is it's not the good zero sugar it's maladextran so it's still kind of a problem if we sell out the raleigh show spencer will snort a line on stage dude i might snort a line for fun you heard it here first while finishing up his 300 beers go ahead spencer start the music do it oh do it sing it coach Turn up that Podcast business What's the business? Podcast business It's a business It's a business

Not gonna snort a line Of whatever sugar-free shit You want me to do on stage Because I don't hurt And I don't want to do it It's sugar-free He won't because we haven't sold out On the sports podcast

Fest in Raleigh In late August The date immediately Go to pre-owned airboats.com to find out more and to buy your tickets. You get to see us. August 24th, no less. You get to see the O.Gs. You get to see Hand in the Dirt.

If you can't make that, or if the tickets all sell out, and you miss the chance to see Spencer snort a line of powdered Sonic beverage. Jason, where else could somebody see Spencer snort dangerous foods? So Spencer has. It's taking a step away from the call, so we could say anything right now. Yep, it's binding. Legally binding. If you would like to show up October 3rd in Birmingham, Alabama to see Spencer's snort,

insert blank here, fill in any such things you want. Tang, fine, great. Tang, tang, tank. The drink of astronauts. Birmingham Tang, Spencer will snort tab in Birmingham, Alabama on October 3rd. We'll find a can of fucking tab. We'll dehydrate it. No, wet tab, straight up the nose.

Wet, thorning tab. We're just going to get a straw and siphon that tab right up Spencer's nose on October. You told me wet tab coached the Crimson Tide from like 1930 to 1930s. Like wet with two T's? Yes, wet tab. We're like tab snort. Tab snort coached Princeton in 1897. Lost at C.

I just found out of hard. That's a good coach name. October 3rd, Birmingham, Alabama. Those tickets are on sale as well at pre-owned air. Airboats. Those are the two shows that we have at this time. Yeah, I know we said we were going to start talking about the one that nobody could go to. Have we considered the possibility that we ourselves might not be able to go to this show? Well, the beauty of it is no one will know whether we're there or not.

So this is true. It is too. As of Tuesday, this is Tuesday, we're flying soon. The Atlanta airport right now is perma-fucked, or at least looking like it's Parma fuck, so we'll see if we can show up for our own engagement. There is one host, I am confident, will be at the Portland show.

Well, Floyd will be there. Brian Floyd will be. Floyd's probably already. It would be amazing if this turned out to be a Floyd solo show because the rest of us got stranded. I mean, aren't they all? Really? I disagree with that assessment. Oh, wow. Ryan bullying Floyd. That's completely imperative.

He didn't mean it. I know, Floyd I'm sorry I agree with you A lot of sorry as you're gonna be That's how I live my life It's kind of the opposite of a quarter mile Of a time

My life My life going backward Yeah Topic of What else do we have For podcast business While Spencer is Let's be honest

Pooping Let's let's So like Instead of Spencer's selling Spencer stuff We're gonna like Oh we're gonna rotate I can talk about astronauts some more. Sure.

You guys, astronauts to sell? Well, it's not podcast business. Oh. But if we wanted to decouple... Let's hold briefly on that. Oh, here he comes. Space is greatest bear. Jason, you still have a book, and it's still very good. It's still really fucking good. We are wrapping up the audiobook as we speak. Confident will be able to have that out in the month of August.

additionally on the list of authors who are never caught without Mountain Dew I got to add myself to that list Wow What do people just want to buy the book At this point? That's still an option?

Yeah, it's very easy It's everywhere. The book is all over the People are still buying it As a matter of fact every day Hell is the world without you You should read it You should buy it and read it

It's a great book It's a novel that men can read Finally Finally a novel for men which is always called like literature a field too long ignoring the contributions of men a few people have called it the gayest straight boy book ever so yes which is a ringing endorsement uh Spencer and Holly you still have a newsletter and it's also very good oh thank you that's great yes it's Channel 6 currently working putting the finishing touches on an account of why I went to Mongolia in the first place so you can read all about that this week on Channel 6. Do you feel adjusted at this point?

Yeah. Yeah, no. Like, I don't know whether to worry that international travel is easy for me now. Does that mean my system no longer responds to stimuli? Is it just stuck? No, it was easy.

Like, the return back. The only thing was, I didn't have jet lag, but at 10 o'clock, it was bedtime. Like, you know, when your body's, yeah, when you're just, like, oh, my eyes are closed. The rest of me is still awake, but your eyes are like, no. Like putting a parrot to sleep, right?

Throw the blanket over the cage. Nighttime. Our conversation did lead me to a different chat with some friends, and I learned some unsettling facts, including that India and Australia both have time zones that are by, like, the half hour. And briefly, Nepal had one that was 40 minutes off or something. 15 minutes ahead, yeah. like we have to be 15 minutes ahead of india we live in a world that is on the verge of collapse at all times

for a while china had one time zone it's even worse i just so i just open marvel snap and there's a deadpool mode folks if everything's oh like oh don't get him started don't get him started i bet it's extra twisted not our feud not our long here we go here we go james since war with Disney continues. Everywhere I look, I see his somewhat funny face.

Wait, is this Deadpool domination or whatever they were calling it? Or something, yeah. Pass. Have we forgotten anything for podcast business? No, but I do want to use oh, hey, shark. Just kind of flashlight on Shark.

They don't love that. I would like to use our forthcoming planetarium show to transition into talking about astronauts. Please. Because we don't like to get political on this

show. It's true. We are very much a, you know, we are very much a shut up and dribble. Radical centrist's that's us. We are a shut up and dribble type of outfit, but somehow, listen, it's not my fault. He's in the news

And it occurred to me that somehow in all of our talk of astronauts, and all of our talk of specifically things that astronauts have taken into space, we have not told the story of current Arizona senator, former astronaut, and potential vice presidential pick, Mark Kelly, smuggling a gorilla suit onto the international space station. Yeah. I don't know this story. Do you really not? I really don't. I get to tell you this for the first time. And I thought about asking for more detail, but then I decided to wait. Jeremy is reacting in such a, Jeremy is either frozen or he also doesn't know this story.

I am mind blown by this. I immediately went and looked it up in the first sentence already. Holly, I need to know every detail. I, I, too, have never heard this story. I have, I'm going to work back up here, Holly. Christ, Jesus. Just tell me, tell me when you want me to drop the footage into the chat. Okay, I will tell you when you're okay, yeah, there is a video for the listeners at home

There's a video that I need you to not watch you watch the video didn't you listen if you wire us $5,000 you can be in a recording of the shutdown forecast and you can get all these sweet videos too or you just watch he's not getting that yeah if you do that we will let you do that yeah so actually for a while I had this story wrong and the reason I had this story wrong is um first of all again we don't endorse political candidates on this show. But first of all, astronaut vice president is kind of awesome because it's like asking a kid what they want to be when they grew up. And he's like, astronaut, vice president, gorilla. Yeah. It feels very like live action 1994 Disney movie. I want to be NBA dinosaur. That's the Toronto Raptors. We did that. Done. Bringing in second of all,

for goofs, Mark Kelly has an identical twin brother, which can only lead to. to, you know, naval observatory hijinks, who is also an astronaut. Oh, wacky. Okay. So this is where we go. I had it wrong for years because I thought Mark was the one who wore the gorilla suit

onto the International Space Station to terrify his colleagues. This is not what happened. He, his twin brother was one of the ISS astronauts. And I guess at one point, Mark was just casually like, oh, by the way, I'm sending you a gorilla suit because there's never been a gorilla in space.

Have fun. vice president space gorilla architect um this is my design and actually this is it gets better he sent two gorilla suits because the first one exploded on an unmanned cargo shuttle and then he just called it was like i'm sending you another gorilla suit because our boy does not accept defeat and this is a i i got the version of this story from a friend of mine who teaches high school i have not vetted this myself, but this is the version she tells her students, so it's good enough for me. This is the version in the video. I'm told that at the time, this was a joint U.S. UK crew aboard the USS, and that Kelly told his American colleagues that there was a guerrilla suit

coming, but not the British colleagues. And Spencer, go ahead and drop the video, and you can see one of those British colleagues. That's astronaut Tim Peek. reacting to discovering a guerrilla on board the International Space Station. I mean, that is what I would do as well. Folks, if you can't see the video, I'll just break it down for you. The van was scared. moving a lot faster than he thought he'd be able to do in an airlock. Shot out of a cannon.

It's kind of, it's kind of a can'ted like that, like that Lumiere movie of the train arriving at the station that scared all the people 150 years ago or whatever. But you see, you see the gorilla suit exploding out of basically this giant paper bag that he had concealed it in. And he, he like, air swims towards the airlock. And then out of the distance, you see this other astronaut frantically swimming back towards the camera. How would you subdue a guerrilla on the ISS? This is why we have vice president's debate. Okay, Spencer's answer is wrong. I just want to get that out there right away.

It'll be fine. Lightsaber. Light saber is a better answer. Yes, we're getting, all right. How is that a better answer? A gun is going to put a fucking hole in the spaceship. So will a lightsaber. No, you have control.

Not if you know what you're doing. Like you're going to know what you're doing. You just don't point it at the fucking wall. Yeah, that's it. I'm telling you, you're going to hurt somebody with that thing. I've heard a fucking gorilla. I'm going to stand here holding it straight. What's it going to do?

Go around it? A clock is fine on the International Space Station. You can put it in an envelope and just send it right up. Folks, we've got Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vands here. Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Space policy. Blasting holes in the space space. station.

I mean, you could have just packed a fucking lightsaber. Guns don't kill guns. Guns kill space stations. Not a word. If the founders didn't want us to have guns in space,

they would have said so. I'm Clarence Thomas for guns in space. I'm sorry. Yeah, what laws apply up there? Fill space with guns. There are lots of laws up there. No, there are. There's no cops.

That's some bullshit. There's no cops up there. But, yeah, sanction me with your space army. I'm bringing a gun to the space station. That's literally what 40K is about you. That's how it starts. That's how it starts. Is there nothing Spencer would rather do that start 40K for real?

Come on, Ryan. How else is he going to meet the orcs? See the plan. Embrace the vision. Spencer just wants to be a dead guy stuck on a chair for 40,000 years. Just looking at his imaginary book full of space laws. Meanwhile, I'm up there making shit happen. I'm killing.

How else are we going to fly? through hell, Ryan. I want to rip a hole in space time, fly into space hell, and meet the orcs. And how else am I going to do that if you're not going to let me carry a blammy onto the International Space Station? This is the guy who should befriend the orcs. At last, we found our orc diplomat, the guy who blew up a space station. We should, we should, what, a gesture of goodwill?

That's traditional diplomacy. What'd you do? I shot the first person I met in the face, and they loved me. We sent Spencer and Hulk Oaken into space with one gun to find out what happened. Spencer. Brother, I know who's coming out of that one. It ain't Hulk. You got this.

Can we take a lighter turn here other than you shooting Hulk Hogan in space? Ain't no gravity in space. I have put in, again, our exclusive $5,000 member. As those of you in the big baller chat can see. Sound off in the comments. That's funny. good. All of you are missing.

Greetings to Uh, greetings to Husker Dick 69. I'm excited for Spencer that give Venmoed $5,000 then forget that we had this conversation. Oh, forget that it's in my Venmo. It's not like I'd spend it on anything.

I don't like to criticize us like as a unit, but if there's one, you know, it's, it's the off season. It's time to, it's time to tweak things. It's time to improve things.

And if there's one thing, if there's one thing as a group, I don't feel like we do a, enough of. It's attempting to financially scam, Spencer. Because I feel like it'd be really easy. Do you think? And we just don't, I just don't feel that we do it enough. I don't even think it's bad that we're

talking about it in front of him. Oh no, he'll forget. This is great. Yeah. What? Nothing, babe. It's summer. Major League Baseball's in full swing and there's one app for you if you want last minute deals on Major League Baseball games. And that's GameTime.co. That's right, gametime.co. I'm looking at the app right now and I'm picking out America's team really the Kansas City Royals and at Kaufman Stadium just in a couple days there's tickets available for $16 and then well I don't want to up the stakes too much here but let's go to next week it looks like they're playing the Chicago

White Sox there are tickets available right now for $3 you could see a major league baseball game in Chicago for $3 what stadium you ask not important it's in Chicago but gametime.co is not just for Major League Baseball games, even though you can get great deals for that. You can also get great deals for concerts, football games. Those are going to be coming up pretty soon. You can find them on gametime.co. I use GameTime.co.co to purchase last minute tickets for an Olivia Rodrigo concert. Tyler Childers did not show up at mine.

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off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Okay. I have sent a link to the University of Florida's packing list for moving.

It's like if they let the dog from up drive and have a gun on the space shuttle and have which under my space law the law of nature a dog could have a gun you know which way you go to get to space sure up that's fair correct you know which large fish is a close biological relative of the japanese spanish mackerel no the double line mackerel holy shit right damn i've included the uf 2024 packing list for moving oh this is adorable They think these people are going to clean a lot of stuff. This is a lot of shit.

Oh, my God. This is a 2024. This is 2024. Yes. There are parts on here. Pencil sharpener? Like, like, there are parts that we're going to get to on here. But I just want, we did this.

We didn't even buy a pencil sharpener. Years ago, Spencer and I did this as a public service on every day, should be Saturday. I would like to go through this list and just like, mostly I want to get a quick yes, no. Should, if you're, if you're moving into college, not necessarily Florida, do you need this thing? and and certainly if you have things to add please do i'm going to start to go um like all you need is a milk crate and PS5 mode on my answers okay okay uh blanket and comforter yeah extra long twin sheets yes i would take the blanket and leave the sheets we're going to hit a we're going to hit a gender gap so fast that's that's the wrong order you should pack the sheets and not the blanket

if you're only packing one. Yeah, especially for Florida. Mattress pad. God, yes. Yes. Yep. Okay. Pillows.

Note, it doesn't say mattress. Pillows. I think this is the best chance for us to have a unanimous yes. Pillows? Yeah. Yeah. No, wadded up hoodie. Okay.

Damn it. All right. That leaves out pillow cases is not going to get all yeses. No. Throw blanket. I like that because it got a verb in it. Okay. actually yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna trash i'm gonna trash original blanket and stick to throw blanket

throw blankets throw blanket's gonna be a utility player here brother that's the one that's the one that you put out the fire on the hot plate with bro i got that active sports blanket yeah that's a utility blanket good editor instincts blanket is passive throw blanket is active it's tactical blanket get it up there okay backpack yeah i mean for like where you're gonna keep your weed in your pocket back could also be pillow backpack could be pillow yeah i like it all right I'm learning. All right, we're going to really get off the rails here. Stapler.

Staple gun. What is God's name? Staple gun. Buy your own stapler. This again, again, I just revert to firearm, Jason. Why bring a staple gun when you could just bring a firearm? Okay, gun. Let's play, hey, let's replace stapler with gun.

Gun. Especially if this is the University of Florida. It's the state of freedom. Everyone knows that. Pencil sharpener. No. That's like some shit. That's like,

antique knick-knack decoration. Like, I will say this. If you are bringing your five-year-old to college with you and they need activity, bring a pencil charlatanour. Colored pencils for your children. Hold on my God, are colored pencils on the list. If you really need to sharpen a pencil, knife at next. Okay, yeah.

Gun. Gun. Pull punch. That's also good. Gone. It's also good. Okay. Gun.

Notebook and folders. Oh, slow down. Slow down. That's two things. I might bring a notebook I ain't bring a fucking folders Okay Okay

Uh uh no Pens pencils and highlighters Nope that's what that's what classmates are for Yeah I might bring a pen Okay Not a highlighter If I need another pen

Can't get you on them Just underline If I need another pen I'm gonna go to the Hampton Inn I'm gonna do what everyone else does I'm gonna go to the Hampton Inn I'm gonna ask for a pen And then I'm gonna walk out

I feel like highlighter is probably useful Like fake or fake highlighter That's a vape So yes also also let's be honest most of the shit we have listed here is stuff that will be given out at some like welcome week

join this club all you have to do is sign up for credit cards yeah and then I'm gonna lose it Holly we're gonna get to do anyway also also by the way why if you ever looked at what people actually highlight like if you ever looked at it it's fucking hilarious there's a textbook that's about geology and you look what they're highlighting

and they're like rocks are important and there's somebody just highlighted somebody who just went through and highlighted wherever ASS isn't a word sure yeah okay yeah all right i'll take gases um wait that convinced you to want a highlighter jason yeah markers yes markers no pens no pencils just markers make this evening just a sharpie for everything bang write your name i fucking mean it see in my head these are like creola markers i'm gonna erase a goddamn thing try erase board comes up you got the sharpie to it bang i take it

right i'm that confident no regrets post it notes No, that's a mess. Post-it notes have only one purpose in college. No, that's what a phone is for. Yeah, putting them on, like, drunk friends and stuff. Post-in notes are only for putting on drunk friends. Yeah, you can draw the penis directly on the for. That's what the markers for.

Or if you have a roommate you hate and you don't know how to confront them, post-it notes are for that person. Again, marker. Just write it on their door. Yeah. Scissors. Yeah. Yeah, because you've got to cut open the ramen and. Oh, that's what teeth are for.

God gave you scissors. Oh, gross. No, but a scissors. There's two knives. Knives. Inside each of you, there's two knives. Especially if you're at Florida. If you want scissors, just, yeah, two knives.

Tape. I love tape, because it's like, I do not know why you need that at college. So I'm like, yeah, I better bring that. I might have some school supplies. I might have some crafts. Consensual role play. Oh, that kind of tape. Okay, got it.

Bring it tape. Some, like, some like pink electrical tape. It's really sexy. The most, I would argue, I would argue the most bad. Wait, like to X out your nipples for. night or yeah you might have to do that on your first your first class uh yeah the most baffling inclusion on a 2024 list flash drive also vape yeah i do you do you trust the university of florida's cloud computing system uh to i'm i'm going with flash drive you said cloud i hear vape yeah i'm

again they have to have flash drives that are vape pens right yeah oh 100% 100%. Any problem I got to solve with a flash drive, I can solve with a knife. Are UCF alum nodded? So without question, they do. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They do. Come on. Oh, it's UCF not that long ago, and I promise you I've seen it. Closet organizer. Fuck, no. What in God's name?

We're going to get through this part real quick. But he's on this side, shorts on that side. Shelves and storage containers. Get the fuck out of here. Adhesives, like sticky tech 3M hooks. Yeah, for putting up like posters and shit. Yeah. You got to have the Don Belushi College.

I've got to put photos of cars I plan to buy with Bitcoin. Right. Yeah, here's my Monet. Which is on my flash drive. Mirror. God, fuck yes. Mirror. No, I'm getting these fits off.

That's what I'm here for. I got to see how this pretty looks today. If you want to buy something that you know for a fact will be the dirtiest thing that you move out with, bring a mirror to your freshman year of college. Clothes hangers. No. no piles shower caddy is that a friend

well yeah exactly because like yeah I'm trying to get a shower caddy yeah exactly use that conditioner yeah wait wait wait wait wait so this is like a little shelf you put in a shower this is if you live in a dorm

with a common shower it's the little like carry plastic tote that you put like a bucket what I'm gonna carry I'm gonna take great done Hey, you already said, hang on, you already said, backpack.

I'm taking a backpack and a knife to the shower. I'm going to cut the filth off of myself. We move to a single very quickly after one. Me and Arthur Morgan are headed to the shower with our shower knives. Hey, you're looking kind of dirty. Gosh, partner. All right, dry raceboard. yeah i'm gonna need that brother i gotta drop some fucking plays

coach that's a good call you need a dry race boy that's true me and the boys are headed down to the campus green to throw eggs at people planner fuck that shit get the fuck out of here only if it's an actual 1948 soviet economic plan man i'm gonna start doing that's your five year plan starts now spencer i'm gonna start doing that in my third senior year yeah right first step Kill roommate. All right. We're on to appliances.

Small fridge. Oh, at least two. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you need like, I'm going to stack them up.

Yeah. What's you get two? If you can get a piece of plywood, you can get like, if you could get six. I was going to see if you get six, you have a bed, you have a storage bed.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, laptop. Do they for, I mean, do they for fucking real not have power strip in here?

Are you all insane? No, there's surge protector. Oh. There's a surge. It's fancy way. I'm a surge. I need to protect my surge.

because that's what's in the fridge. Yeah, exactly. Fridge full of surge. By the way, we didn't point out if you got six, if you got six refrigerators, open up a couple. It's free air conditioning. That's like how Minecraft works. You stack together six fridges and it turns into something else.

Yeah, you have this big of rat now. Ethernet cable. What decade is this? No shot. Again, the university, dude, do you want that fast, hardwareed university internet for downloading? Oh, so for no lag. Yeah, and for pirating things.

Um, for a, you could still do that, right? To reemphasize how much we're pirating things. Flash drive slash external hard drive is listed a second time. That's two vapes. Home vape and class vape. Got it. Mm-hmm. What is your, what is your semi-formal vape?

Chargers? For occasions. Chargers? No, your roommate will have that. No, you're good. I live off the land. Again, that's what classmates are for. Yeah.

Uh, extension cord. You don't, if you live in the dorms, what the fuck do you need an extension? What are you a cop? What if I want to play the Xbox out on the balcony? Yeah, when it's nice. The balcony I make with my gun. I have to, I hate to take his side. This is an extremely common thing in Knoxville during game weekends is to take the TV out on the balcony.

Oh, okay. We're going to put the microwave on the fucking roof. It's not really a balcony. It's more like an overhang, but it's a balcony to me, buddy. Once we staple gun, six refrigerators to it, it's now a big balcony that we can do. It becomes a Minecraft power queues. I can't decide if I wish we'd all met earlier or I'm glad we didn't. It's for the best.

Speaker. Brother, fuck yes. One? That's insulting. You think you've got to tell me to bring my speakers. Yep, that's right. Microwave. Duh.

How else am I going to eat? Okay. Desk lamp might be the answer. That's for my, that's for like, I'm trying to. You said the same thing twice. I'm trying to grow shrub. rooms or whatever with me. Hold on, turn on the light.

You have to open the microwave to turn on the light in the room. Hey, that's consider it to your roommate. I'm doing homework. Open the microwave. All right. You're doing homework. You can open the fridge too. It's cold in here.

Open the microwave. Turn it on. I want to, I want to power. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. No, we rigged it. No, we rigged it. No, no, no, don't go down this road.

Don't go down this road. I repeat. We rigged it for physics. A gun on the International Space Station is a fine idea. Okay. I want, I want, listen, I don't, I want Spencer alone to answer just yes or no. I'm going to power run through toiletries and utilities.

All right, let's go. Bath towels and hand towels. One. Wash cloths, lufo. You're going to bring a hand towel? Bullshit. I said, I said bath towel. I think he meant bath towel.

Okay, okay. Two toothbrush and toothpaste. Yes. Shower shoes. Not necessary. Mouthwash and dental floss. No. Soap slash body wash.

So. Hand soap. And you said that twice. Deodorant. Yes. Lotion. No. Shampoo and conditioner.

So one. Wait, wait. You're not using soap on your hair? No, I will use shampoo on my hair. No, no, no, no. I'm using shampoo on my everything. Yeah. It's the backup soap.

Yeah. When the soap runs out, we switch to shampoo. If you put enough shampoo on the top of your head, it will run down and coat the rest of of you. This is a question that I somehow don't know the answer to despite living with my brother and three of his frat brothers for a whole semester. Yeah. Do you start?

Okay, if you, if you're, okay, beginning of the semester, right? Mom has taken me to Target or whatever. You have a full thing of body wash and a full thing of shampoo. I know you're using just one of those bottles at a time for your entire body. Which it goes, which goes first? Like what do you, what do you turn to first? I think it depends. Are you trying to impress somebody or not?

because you're going to turn to the shampoo at that point. Because it smells better. Allegedly. It's not like you're going to smell them. You don't know. If you have the old Spice Body Wash and you're a freshman in college, you're like, that goes on everything. And then I go to the store brand shampoo, which doesn't have a cool name like Sharkwater.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Like I don't want my armpits to smell like per plus until midterms. Correct. Right. Okay. Okay. Um, first aid supplies. Oh, oh, yeah.

But my idea of first aid supplies. Did we skip several. All we skipped was All we skipped was hair care products Which I think is a no free Don't toy with me Okay First aid supplies

No someone else has a prescription medication Yeah it's called a beer But not in the way you intend Off prescription medication Yeah I was gonna say Intent is the important element here Mom's 90 day bottle of Xana

Stuff bought at Rave Yes you want to see spring break in a bottle When I sell it you will That's a bar right All right, tweezers. No. What? What's the tweezers?

Let them keep going. Those are knives. Nail clippers and nail files. Knives. Sowing kit. What? This is fucking Oregon Trail? So it's sewing kit.

What? No. Hairbrush or comb. Nah. Shaving supplies. No. Cotton swabs. I believe you.

Oh, am I a Civil War like medic? Bring me some cotton swabs. Oil and oil. We're about to take this young and slag off. You might as well pack a fucking saw. I'm coming around. All right. Hair dryer.

No. Tissues. Should you pack a saw for college? There's toilet paper. There is an entry. There's toilet paper. Yeah. All right.

Tissues. No, there's toilet paper and that's free. Sunsweet and bug spray. Nah. Yeah, we covered this in the paper towels versus toilet paper episode. I'm a yes on. sunscreen. That's the one thing I'm taking. Okay. Long sleeves. Yeah.

Okay. Spencer's like, stay inside in game. You don't need sunscreen. That's right. I'm here to ball. It's more like it'll make me look like I go outside. All right. Can we skip? There's an entire section here about kitchen. Can we just skip them? I'm seeing bowls.

Like, you have a dining plan. Go eat there. And that's also where you get your bowls. I'm not going to bring a fucking plate when pizza boxes have lids i knew i knew of somebody freshman year at florida who stole an entire cereal dispenser from the dining hall and brought it to their dorm room if that man can do that if that man can't get a 60 day supply of lucky charms you don't need to bring a can opener to college so i think we're we're unified and saying steal everything yeah yes rob the university of florida um for

first-time listeners, let's also note at this time that all three of these men are fathers. Oh, and my kid when she goes to college, she will fill out this list five times without question. There's nothing I can do about it. Okay, cleaning. Paper towels. Got toilet paper.

I think paper towels is actually the yes because it's the super toilet paper. It's plate, it's plate, it's toilet paper, it's wash rag, it's it's first aid kits. Strong toilet paper It's big towel This shit is fierce punch toilet paper

It's I'm just taking a huge roll of paper towels With me to the bathroom It's also hour I gotta take a big shit Give me that super turbo hyperfighting toilet paper I need the Brody You do that too in the all-mail dorm

In like in your 19 you're like Hey bro listen I gotta go take a super grumpy I gotta go take a fucking paper towel shit yeah this is also when you I'm being fighting but this

with like the bell rock Jesus you shall pass I got that yoga fire passing through it's also

toilet sorry have one more two more words for paper towels they are also post it notes and dry erase boards

yeah they go back here and see how many things on the Swiss weekend substance they are notebook paper

they are pillow they are blankets they are that's a nice bolster yeah they are closet organizer yep yep you've sold me on bringing a sixth thing to color they are shower shoes

they are shower shoes they are dental floss if you get good at it they are washcloth they are professional attire we'll get there okay I found a tasseled woebe gong broom and dust pan I'm just going to kick that shit aside this is only if you want to fight with them most of the rest of this list is only if you want

to fight with them these or otherwise cause problems. Vacuum? No. You're just showing off for somebody. Doorms have carpet? What the hell? Oh, yeah. Jason. Jason, mop and bucket. Mop and bucket.

There's my bucket. Good. I got my bucket. Mop and bucket also replaces. All right, so basically, paper towels mop and bucket. I got my bucket and a weapon. Yeah. Because they can also double as beer pitchers. Yes. And also, I don't think anybody really, or maybe this is a, we had a beer pitcher that doubled as we ate a lot of instant pudding for some reason

probably this is probably due to hangovers but we made our uh pudding in a beer pitcher that we stole from campus pub and i think if we'd had a bucket we could have made a lot more efficient batches of pudding you know what else mop and bucket is good for when you puke yeah it's really good for when you think you can hold them up like your wire mother yep let's have two buckets then. Okay, double bucket. Whoa. The in bucket and the out. Okay.

We were sitting next to a millionaire. Inflation is over in the two bucket household. Man, I have cut a thousand things from my list and added one bucket. That's true. That's true. I want to go ahead. Ryan, can I beat you to this one? I want to say that you went back and you were like, can we substitute something that we just went over for several different things? Floor cleaner is here.

I would like to take one bottle of Fabuloso as cocktail mouthwash floor cleaner. It's blue. Therefore. And as shower soap, just go ahead. Just fabulous. Listen, when you need trouble for using your charpies on every dry erase board, you're going to need that. Yeah, you know what I'm going to say when I'm done and it's squeaky clean? Fabuloso!

Yes. Brother, I feel fabulous. Dish soap slash dish sponge and scrubber. Water. New freshman, listen to me. Paper tell. Again, don't be cooking for yourself. This is the year that you are allowed to be full Madaglacius.

okay this is the helpful that you are allowed to Maddie why okay ooh I like the next one on the list you're gonna kill a bunch of Bangladeshi children in a factory if you know you're going to endorse their death not do it uh multi-purpose cleaner yes yeah that's the shit I'm taking more fabuloso yeah 409 for everything yeah also a little bit of fabuloso

and southern comfort that looks infected Alondry detergent. No, I got multi-purpose. Faberiloso. Okay, fabric softener. Paper towels. Towers.

Dyer sheets. Paper towels. Lint brush. No, just shake it real hard. You brought tape. You're fine. Yeah, tape. Dane remover stick spray.

Fabulous. Y'all made fun of including tape. Laundry basket bag. We have two buckets. We don't need this. We have two buckets and... It's just a bucket with holes and... in it. Wait, wait, wait. No, we have a bucket

each. There's a song about this. We have five buckets and five backpacks. We are rich. Six mini-fritges, so you're fine. Oh, we're fine. Personal items. This is the funniest one. Clothes. Oh, damn it. Please bring clothes to college.

Oh, no. I showed up nude. I forgot to dress my sim. You know what's great is that there's a reason all this is on this list, and I bet you a certain admin knows the name of every single reason. Showed up to college nude, sad emoji, vampire emoji, ice cream emoji. Borgon, blorgon, blorgon.

All right, then it goes. Someone high-fived me, though. You know what can get you to go to Northern Colorado? You can come to school nudes, son. I know you want to. I see it on your little list of things. There's academic prestige, brand, and they're right underneath it. Come to school butt naked.

Nudity, A-plus. Professional attire. No. Yeah, that's my clothes. What is my profession? you don't need to know. Umbrella slash rain jacket. Not necessarily.

I'm very fast. 40. Bike? Um, no. I've probably like talk for four years about building my own, but I'm not bringing one. Sure.

If you're not bringing a bike, you don't need bike locks. Yes, I do. Oh. Okay. Nothing else will, uh, any, if I want to like lock my door. Secure your buckets. Yeah, I can lock it with a, like, lock with my bike lock. Okay.

Uh, reflifleful. Electors and lights, no? That sounds useful. Bike, scooter, helmet? Don't let them see you coming. No. No, no helmets, no. Be serious.

Insurance info and driver's license. No. Fill up paperwork. That's what mom's for. Hey, you want to know who I am? Ask Brody over there. Dog, I'm 18. What are we going to do?

Die ever? It's never happening. That's Jason. I can tell you. This is, I think, the most... That's how driver's licenses work. No, I know who that is. This is the most...

dangerous item that the University of Florida has put on a list of things they think freshmen should bring to campus. Debit or credit cards. Yeah, I got seven of those. I just signed up for another one this morning. I got two free basketball tickets. I got free buckets for this for this visa. You just sign up for those to get hot dog coupon. Sign up for this.

You get a thermos. I'm in. Glasses, contacts, sunglasses. Again. Hey, Spencer. Fuck, I can't see. I'm nude, but I can't see, so it's fine. No one can see me either.

Yeah, it didn't really understand sunglasses for a lot. I love this next one. Tell the people. Yeah, I just didn't understand really why people wore them. And then I got a pair one day that were prescription and they were decent. And I was like, oh, it's crazy. These are so good. How old were you when that happens?

I was like 34. Okay. Well, huh. So you went through marching band at Florida without sunglasses. Yeah. So this was the 70s and you didn't. It was. And everybody had Ray bands.

and we're putting lemon juice in her hair and taken bennies and they just all had sunglasses and I wasn't into it, wasn't feeling it. And then Carter got elected and I was like, whoa, it's crazy. Yeah, she gets some sunglasses. Oh my God. Hey, you guys know how stuff only happens after the show?

Yeah. Check the chat. Wait, is this the fall the real one or the fake one? Wait, is this fake? Which one? Oh, the orca. Ryan, were you thinking the Jimmy Carter thing? I was thinking the fake Jimmy Carter death thing. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no. Jimmy, as far as we know, Jimmy is President Jimmy is still a little. No, this is a whale attacking a boat again. Yeah, off the coast of New Hampshire. They're here. I do like that this is happening while some teen is fishing and watching. Welcome friends.

Well, I guess I should go. Yeah, I'm out. That is a Dayton. That is a Dayton hoodie and he is flying. That is the kind of person for whom this list is made for. Yeah, note, by the way, he's a mariner wearing a hoodie because a hoodie is rain gear. remember all these are implicitly rank here. Uh, toolkit.

What the hell does that mean? That's a terrible, like, if, I want to tell you something, if you showed up as my random roommate freshman year and you brought, this is my box of tools. You got your standard thing to your own kit. And also I have a drill. I put out a fucking pail of tools and set it on a desk and it goes, clonk. Yeah. What if you're, what if you're pre-dental?

You don't want a pre-dental roommate. No, absolutely. If you shut up, if you shut up with tools, I'll be like, are you going to Room me. Well. Yeah. Serial killer. God, that should be.

Oh, that kind of rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not what he said. I'm going to skip apartment and sweet room because you don't have that. You're sharing a room. Don't worry. You don't need a bath mat. That's what paper towels are for.

That's a guy. That's a guy named Matt you meet in the bathroom. All right. Here's the one that you might. Everybody, it's bath mat. This is a nickname for four years. Oh, God. You might pack these.

You will not use them. Inclement weather. kit spare batteries for my vape flashlight for my vape non-perishable food non-perishable food definitely yes I'm bringing that yeah cans

that's pizza that's how hungry how he's that you keep on the floor pokey sticks could last a surprisingly long amount of time both immediately went to hungry how are you laughing this is not a joke I brought like a three-pound thing of gummy bears

yeah Water. No. Comes out of the fucking sink. Again, if you move in with me freshman year of college and you're bringing a tool kit and water, I'm like, you're a 47 year old serial killer. I'm positive.

I'm a very young serial killer. Battery powered radio? No. Portable USB charger? What? No. First aid kit. We already did that. On here twice? I have a knife. Yeah. Medicine?

Toilet. What? Wink, wink. No. We're a medicine. Again, we have Fabuloso and Paper Towel. And miscellaneous, that's where the good shit goes. So, Miscellaneous, PS5, Milk Crate. Sure. Okay.

Poster of musician. He was struggling. He was, put their shirt off. Yeah. Now, people might be thinking they're going overboard. You should bring most of this to college. At the end of the spring semester, I want you to go on the internet and find the videos of people who are just dumping truckloads of garbage out of the dorms at move out that

never got the broom that never got used the vacuum that was unopened you know what they don't throw out is a bucket bucket bucket gets used bucket absolutely gets used you know then you know they're not chucking into the fucking dumpsters behind your residence hall paper towels those all got got I have yet to see unused fabuloso this would have gone this would have gone this would have gone a lot better for me as a freshman if I had just told myself this every month I need to just go buy a stack of cheap t-shirts a bag of cheap socks some cheap underwear go spend like at the time you're disposable at the time it would have been no but close to single use clothes right yeah no it just go get the start of the month go buy that and then throw everything out and it will cost you like 50 bucks a month at the time and born. Yeah, that's what I would have done. Just go be Jack Reacher, right?

That's not the same thing. Just go into the donations, Ben. They would never buy 50 t-shirts at once. That would have saved me so much angst about like, oh, I can't take care of myself. Of course, you can't. You have no skills. You should just go buy disposable clothing.

The Reacher version of this list doesn't even make it to four checkboxes. No question. A toothbrush. Literally. It's canon. It's being a toothbrush. Toothbrush, you pulled off a drifter. Toothbrush.

This is the size of turkeys. The end. Welcome to college. The mind of the most powerful detective in the world. Jackeriker. I love our back-to-school episode. Your dream job may be running your own cafe. Your own bike shop.

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