Shutdown Fullcast - Backyard Disasters II: The Backyardening

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

The second annual edition of the Fullcast's open call for your worst backyard catastrophes did not disappoint, as our listeners spent their summers setting hornet's nests on fire, watching their fathers drive lawnmowers into bodies of water, burning evergreen trees and discovering why they are called "nature's portable dynamite," taking children to the emergency room after horrific family football games, and knocking out the power to whole swaths of their hometowns by throwing used sports gear at vulnerable pieces of public infrastructure. You are all very stupid, and we are so happy about it right now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. This is a special edition of the show. Before we get to the college football season, we like to settle a bunch of business. We like to, you know, empty the ledgers, get it all out before we engage on a four-month marathon through our magnificent sports, festive, expansive, chaotic season.

And we're lucky enough to cover this sport because this sport happens in fall. And people spend a lot of the preceding season, a.k.a. the worst season, summer, or as I like to call it, winter and hell. That season, you spend a lot of it in your yard. Last season, right before we got started, we did a show. Holly, how long did we plan for this show?

I think that you realized that day that you were the only one. of the trio of hosts who was going to be present that day because why would you remember that Jason and Ryan took vacations with their families let alone at the same time I had to remember that they had families first yeah that's fair yeah and then I had to think of an idea fortunately you came up with a great one a universal something we can all understand appreciate and sympathize and empathize with that would be my dad's power washing antics that's right which led us to long care disasters. That's right.

We expanded the concept. Initially, it was long care disasters inspired by Bill himself. Severing the power line into our house with a power washer. Yes, not just the power line, though. I'm not sorry. It was the cable internet and phone line.

Yeah, yeah, with a power washer that he had just gotten. Which he thought was great because no one called him. Yeah, again, taking a dad moment and turning it into something super dad, being like, well, it's good that I can't get a phone call. I know what we're going to call me. Still out of cell phone. But still. So yes, this is this year's edition of Long Care Disasters. We are going to expand the franchise somewhat. I generally included backyard disasters because long care. How do we have a podcast this long

without doing a long extended series of trampoline stories? Exactly. We figured that everyone's various foolishnesses. For example, Jason's here. Oh, yeah, Jason is here. Hey, Jason. Hey, y'all, first time caller on the backyard slash long care disasters series. Love the first one. Howdy, Jason. I'm Spencer Hall. And I'm Holly Anderson. Nice to meet

a long time fan of the two of you. Your voices are just as beautiful as I pictured them. Jason, did you happen to recall why Ryan isn't joining us tonight? His exact words regarding long care disasters? Because he hasn't had a backyard in about 15 years.

He currently lives in Brooklyn. city boy in New York of course where if you look on the map and it says park don't be fooled it's a half a block of grass and you can't park there and there's a bench and there's like 30 people gather around very

sadly eating their lunch wearing blue shirts and light colored pants looking at their phones New York is so glamorous oh my God it's the best real original swine

so we're here to do long care disasters i thought we would all start i have one that's relevant all right we did ask uh the full cast commentariat to give us their examples and i will tell you they responded uh with with all that we could handle and then some there's some people y'all y'all have been doing some stupid things back there some grandiosely stupid things in your backyards yeah there was there was a moment when we were like do we really want to go back to this well because despite being even for the full cast one of the worst produced podcast episodes you've ever heard people really seem to love that for some reason and we realized that you beautiful geniuses will just keep making more disasters yeah we never really have to worry about

running out of these i checked we didn't get a repeat from last year no not one no y'all when we asked you for terrible near fatal accidents that you committed in your backyard with things that you could find in your local lows and or Home Depot, you did not duplicate one disaster and submitted like at least 80 new variations on near death. I am so impressed with your ingenuity in the name of festive stupidity and long care. I also want to shout out real quick to Jeff, aka the bad one, longtime listener, who wrote in to tell us the original episode was enough to convince me to hire professionals to handle the yard when we bought our house. We have done one good deed in the entire time.

We've had this idiot radio show. And we're thankful that the rest of you are here to make up for Jeff's good judgment. I would also say that I have learned the same lesson through years of my own incompetence. That's why I want to open the storytelling tonight with an anecdote from basically like this last afternoon, like today, about long care and neptitude and a piece of history, I learned about my very own house. However, speaking of backyard disasters, we are in Atlanta, and we will be having in our own backyard, so to speak, a festive disaster of our own.

You want to go ice up for a minute? Mm. Mm. The shoulder all right. Some amazing segue that I just pulled this 18 wheeler of a full cast onto. It seems like being pulled. Did you pull something? No, no, I'm good. Good, I got it.

Jason, you want to take care of existing business here? It's time for podcast business. We try to keep this to like once a month tops. I know all the other podcasts you folks listen to do this shit every single episode, but we try to keep it to a bare minimum. So real quick, running through business. Live show in Atlanta, we have sold, I can use the word hundreds. And we are approaching a few hundred tickets sold.

The venue we went for is more aggressive, more aggressive in capacity than what was recommended for us, because that's the way we live. And I would not guarantee that there'll be space if you wait till the day you have to buy a ticket. So if you're on the fence, I promised you'll have fun, come through. And then, you know, all the usual rate review, subscribe to the podcast and whatever platform you like and even some you don't like. Follow the Twitter and the Reddit and whatever and so forth. That's the end of podcast business. I actually don't have the air horn pulled up. We can't actually, like we're not lying.

We actually sold hundreds of tickets to this thing. Bless you. Bless you. We don't know what's wrong with y'all. You magnificent fools. We'll have all kinds of special guests and business. So if you're coming through for the Auburn-Washington game tickets, still available. I'm just going to say we're close to a sellout because nobody can disprove me.

But we're close to a sellout. Does that sound about right, Jason? Close to a sellout. We're within range of a sellout. Yeah, it's happening. I'm just going to go ahead and book it. Okay. We're just going to get a bunch of Washington fans.

We'll tell them we have whatever people from Washington really like. Free range trees. Yeah, we've got free range trees. Oh, buddy, I'm pulling this 18 wheeler back off the segue and back onto the highway. There you go. Yeah. Because we do have, my story opens with a tree. This is a backyard disaster that I learned about,

which is a piece of history about my very own house. So today we had a tree taken down in the backyard because it was sick. Big old sick tree. The kind that falls on houses. My house? No, no, not my house. You follow my house. I get that insurance check.

Please, that'd be great. Nope, going to look them like it was going to fall on a neighbor's house. Which is fine. which good neighbors let trees fall in each other's houses. We didn't really want that to happen. We didn't want to write the check in case that happened. There we go.

So we went ahead and had it taken down. And when we had it taken down, two things happen. One, we discovered that the entire tree was like, 900 times more rotten than we thought, just on the verge of collapsing at any second. So good job us for preventing. that the second thing that happened a neighbor came and told us the story said hey you know that tree it's got like it had like a big hole in it right yeah yeah okay yeah yeah yeah um you know how long

it's had that hole no we don't know how long it's had that hole it's how good stories began yeah how long's that thing had a hole in it the the tree had a hole in it since many many moons ago when a dude named raymond lived here raymond's an important character in this story because Raymond built a carport that extended all the way out to the tree where once a mighty branch extended over the carport. The hole in the tree that eventually became the big hollow rottenness of the tree, the entry point for it, at one point one night, it fell. It just completely fell and destroyed the carport.

And beneath it at this house I now live at, in that carport was a cherry 1972 transam. under it to which holly asked the question about the tree why is it still standing there why didn't he take that tree down out of spite man i would imagine like imagine pulling into the driveway and whatever inferior vehicle you're driving after this thing crushes your beautiful four-wheeled baby and seeing that tree just smirking at you i'd have shot that tree yeah i don't care if it wouldn't have worked y'all i was working up to that not in a joking manner.

No. What a shot that damn tree. Also, Raymond, you could have saved me some time and money. Hmm. Hmm? Inconsiderate dude. I never met who lived here 35 years ago. Jason, what's your story?

So mine, it's nowhere near as great as what listeners sent in. And that might be a surprise to some, seeing as the internet believes I live in my backyard. Sure, I'm in my backyard right now. So what. And, you know, all this backyard experience, and all this stupidity in my brain. You think I could come up with something better than this,

but all I have to offer is a near disaster. Other than, you know, the standard, like, battles with hornets and setting part of the yard on fire and, you know, trampoline mishaps and all that stuff, but everybody's got that. So a friend and I were about 10 years old. We decide we're going to try to jump the power wheels over the creek, which, to give you a visual, it had to be at least 10 feet deep

and about 10 feet across. So, and with a hill that we were going to be coming down. So as you can surmise, this would be a completely impossible jump. Even as idiot 10-year-olds, you would grow up into idiot, you know, idiot 10-year-old adults. We realized, no, this jump ain't happening, but we're going to try it anyway. So we were wise enough to come up with the plan to prop our feet up on the handlebars just as a, just as an ejection seat. you know because like we'd studied fighter jets so we knew you got to have an ejection seat so I went first we were also smart enough to not have both of us going at the same time I went first barreling down the hill on the power wheel which on its own without gravity assisting can probably do about six miles an hour but with the hill added it's you know it's probably doing I don't know 20 25 to 70 miles probably about 89 miles an hour so you know go over and like a Immediately the thing is just nose down.

No chance in hell of coming anywhere near the other side. So I bail, land on my feet, and the power wheel, which was not mine, smash, right into some rocks, climbed out and said, hey, we should, we should not, we should stop. So all I can offer is a very, very, very, very near disaster because I could have become the first person ever to be killed by a power wheel. what kind of power wheel was it I want to say it was Bigfoot Either Bigfoot or Gravedigger Strong choice I want to hope it was Gravedigger

And not like Because like Bigfoot is like the cop of monster trucks You know It is the Hulk Hogan It's racist It's the racist cop of monster Whereas Gravedigger is just He doesn't see color

All he sees is death Death Like nobody ever accuses the undertaker Of being obviously racist Because they're like death's equal. Yeah, even though he's like a 55 year old man from Texas. No, he's all about equality. No, surely. He says brother a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Hulk Hogan, that's definitely the big foot of monster trucks. The question I have, by the way, on the power truck is, did they

really have a gravedigger power wheels? See, it's in my mind that there was a big foot. Because if they did a big foot, there better have been a grave digger because like dead people need representation too. No, this was real. I just looked it up. I'm mad about this now.

Damn. Yeah. I never had a power wheels of any kind. Neither did I. Neither did I. You know what? And I was too old for him. I got bitter about that.

They were like, no, no, you're too tall for him. You're like, I'm going to make it work. Your knees are jammed up against the wheel. Damn it.

There's still time. I'm going to ride out. You guys are pretty short. I'm going to ride. Thank you. you. I'm going to write out for the full cast in one of those. All right. You heard it, folks. You heard it. How much these things cost? It doesn't matter. We'll just expense Jim Bankoff. That's it. One grave digger power wheels

purchased by an adult and charged. And then you'll get to watch the shame of me trying to ride it. I weigh like, you know, over 200 pounds. Yeah, that thing's going to be moving like a mile and a half an hour. They're like, I'm having fun. we could just we could paint a writing mower to look like one and have you drive oh isn't that thing roar this puppy's got power Holly

your backyard disaster now we got the idea for doing this sequel during an extremely long and boring flat drive we were on recently and we got to talking about backyard disasters and not in my backyard but if you walked out of the backyard of the house where I grew up and crossed a two lane highway and walked down a small hill you would find an inlet from a lake. A top which was and I consulted a physicist of my acquaintance who grew up down the street and he had always heard what I had heard which is

that this this rope swaying off this cliff into this lake inlet was 40 feet was a 40 foot drop. And I don't know if it's exactly a 40 foot drop. It hurts like 40 feet is what he said when we were trying to determine this. And I have to agree. It's a rope swing. It's a big long rope tied to a tree by long ago idiot children of unknown provenance. And you, the great thing that we did about this one was we would actually jump from a higher up point on the cliff than the tree that the rope was hanging from making the tree like the midpoint the fulcrum of the swing and the problem with this rope swing was that it went off a cliff which means if you got out to the end of the arc of your swing and chickened out you were coming back

and you were slamming into the tree and you were falling off a cliff I have seen this listener and verified it's it's I would call it I think it's in Tennessee what you call a bluff it's it's a bluff yeah yeah and it's like it's a big an it's an honest 40 feet like it is a full on honest steeply banked 40 feet of obviously terrifying jagged rock i don't know how it's been cut down however many times there was always a rumor going around when i was little that a kid on it had died uh i do know of one kid who broke both arms uh one swinging back to hit the tree and one falling down to the water uh i never had anything super bad i happened to me? I went, I hit the water sideways one day and ended up with a, I mean, it's far enough to have to where if you hit the water sideways and not feet first, you'll have a giant mottled bruise up the side of your body from ankle to shoulder where you hit the water. And one day, as a senior in high school, I brought over my boyfriend, who was from the high school over the hill and had never experienced this rope screen. And we explained to him on the, on the, on the

hike up, you know, you got to let go. Like, it's going to, you're going to get real far out there and you're going to say at the peak of your swing, you know, what am I doing here? There's no takebacks once you jump off this cliff because you can't climb back up. It's, it's sheer, basically. Like, it's covered in mud and sticks, but there's nowhere to land if you come back. Once you let go of that, you got to go. And he gets out there and he chokes up on the rope, jumps off the cliff, swings out over the water, and he does what everybody does. When she looks down and goes, oh, Jesus, what have I done with my tiny little life, Lord? And he doesn't let go.

And we're all on the cliff screaming, let go, let go, let go. And he swings back and he slams into the tree with enough force to bounce him back out over the water. And he swings back in, and he hits the tree with his other arm. And we're all screaming by this time, let go, let go, let go. he swings back a third time, drops off the rope, hits the cliff, rolls down the cliff, and lands in the shallows, and there's these bloop bloop, bloop bubbles coming up, and we're like, well, that's it. We've killed a kid.

And he pops up out of the water, laughing his ass off completely uninjured. And the lesson here is to always do the dangerous thing because you are young and we'll never die. but the segue that I wanted to the story that I wanted to tell tonight to segue us into our beautiful beautiful reader submissions comes again from my own family many of you have asked for an update on my dad's power washing antics I don't have any he has become considerably more sedate because I think he's destroyed just about everything that's able to be destroyed with the power washer and you know he's over there weeping like Caesar, there's no more world left to conquer. He did tell me a story about my grandmother, who was camping out in the backyard with some friends of theirs, who were apparently very much opposed to alcohol, and my grandmother was not, and a few of them left on a hike. And while they were gone, my grandmother pulled this bag, or this little bag with a bottle on it of peach brandy that she had hidden away in her bag and starts sipping away on it and time passes.

We lose track of time. We've got a little buzz going. And the hiking party comes back and catches her by surprise and she panics and throws the bottle into the fire. Yeah. And I'm going to end that story right there out of respect to my grandmother and the wig that she wore for many years. All right. We ready? We're going to do this?

We're ready. Let's get into this. Do we want to start with honorable mentions? Honorable mentions. Jason, pull up one of your honorable mentions. I mention you want to honor. I like this one from front of the program, Van Newell, who it's just, it's not even technically backyard.

It's just a sentence that I think sums up an entire mindset. I threw up Pizza Hut Express while underwater in a lake at a Christian heavy metal festival in Illinois when I was 18. That's somebody's yard. That's God's yard. That's God's yard. If you'd like a glimpse of my soul, this is probably like 80% of it. You threw up in freshwater Aquaman's backyard.

Freshwater Aquaman is a disturbing character, right? Oh, man. Freshwater Aquaman's just like all our cousins. There's got to be in either Marvel or DC somewhere there's like Crick Man. Crickman. Crickman. Lake man. Lake man.

Lake, Lake Man has all of the disturbing beliefs, all of them. Oh, River Monster. Yeah. Lake Man is one of those white people. You can just look at how tan they are and know they're racist. You know what I'm talking about? Where it's like, yeah, those folks spend so much time on a boat, they're racist now. Y'all know what I'm talking about.

Well, they pass tan and they get to kind of a perma scarlet glow, like almost radioactive. It's the kind of, it's the kind of tan you only get from the interaction of like, sunlight photons and light beer in your bloodstream right like the sunlight unleashes the tan yeah listen i'm not saying white people who go outside of races if you if you've been around enough white people you know the tan i'm talking about settle down yeah that and also one of his superpowers is basically firing throwing like supercharged range balls right out of a bucket in his hand be like I vanquished him with a tidalist with a chip in it that I pulled out of a pond

because I'm freshwater aqua man don't tread on me the the one that I want to mention as an honorable mention before we really get into it I wanted to shout out A to the Hoff who says not me

but a buddy was chopping wood at a lake at the lake with an axe you know the lake where freshwater aquaman pulls cars old cars and range balls out of it whole trees you need cutting yep after a couple of bourbons of course and barefoot why not while stabilizing the log with his foot yeah and missed the mark and sunk the axe into his foot now i mean that's pretty standard foolishness where's the extra come in right here he blamed the axe for being quote too sharp unquote that gun was too fiery shouldn't have gone off like that now I wish I had the air horn pulled up because that kind of

deserves it there we go now is this was this a buddy or a buddy's dad we have an entire category I'm going to walk you through just a little spoiler a whole category of these stories called dad was wrong. That is not a dad was wrong story. That is merely a drunken foolishness story. And while I appreciate it, it doesn't get its own category. I've got my own category that I'm going to be taking us through, which is sentences that mark the end of these people's long care stories, but that I believe could make good first sentences of novels, of future novels. But first, I will do my own honorable mention. Shout out to Dylan Kidd. Uh, who was told the tale of a co-worker's grandfather who once attempted to remove a tree branch

in his yard by tying it to a riding mower and driving away from it, which resulted in an overturned mower and a hospital visit for serious leg lacerations. This is not a spectacular story, but I wanted to point out that if you wonder why we love these stories so much, it's because there's a good percentage of these, this one included, in which we look at this, look at each other and go, well, that should have worked. Yeah, that's how you know you're not quite there as a human being yet. It's when you read one of these and go, well, if they just done this. No, brother, I'm here to tell you, I think it's that the universe has not caught up to our will as it ought to have done.

There's no reason that shouldn't have worked. I would do that tomorrow. The lesson of adulthood, everybody is, we've learned nothing. Okay. We do it again. we set ourselves on fire and it was fine i think it's like you hear something like those you hear the setup and you think like oh well you know it's luck of the draw i guess yeah yeah i guess what i'm trying to get out as as you know we're not we're we're definitely laughing at you but

you put yourselves out there for it but also we're here with you because i looked at more in a few of these and i was like well i don't see the problem here all right i have a couple of categories i would like to work my way through. Jason, if you have any that apply, just leap in. All right. And I believe Holly has some categories that she has ready as well. I would like to walk through my first category. There's a couple of entries in this. I'm going to start with my favorite one. The name of this category for backyard disasters is, dad was wrong. Thank you. That's the air horn of dad wrongness. was this is from uh david bixler at d bix 87

a little warm up here was playing thanksgiving football with family me second grader and first grade friend versus dad and two uncles i'm guessing the weight differential here adds up to something like 550 pounds versus 150 max Double uncle is always something of a warning. Double uncle? Yeah, man. You put two uncles together and they're like sacred stones. If you put the third with them, you unleash a ghastly power that ultimately ends up in an overturned car in your front yard and a family argument that takes years to heal.

Yeah, that's what happens when you get three uncles together. Don't do it. They were up about 35 to zero when my dad stripsack me and broke my collarbone. Okay. I want to know this, by the way. What kind of technique is dad putting on to strip sack somebody and still break the collarbone? Because the strip sack, you know, like you did you roll him down and like pull it out? I think you're coming.

You're hacking over from behind. Yeah? And you got in, yeah, I can picture it. You're swatting the ball, but you're also like a foot taller than them. This is only a sack technique. You've seen players who were demonstrably mutants use, right? Like players who you watch their highlight real. and go, oh, God, you shouldn't have been allowed to play high school ball.

That's not humane. That's wrong. Now, this is not over, by the way. They ran it in to make it 420. Finish the drill. I'm not mad at that. Injuries are evaluated after the play, not midplay. And didn't take me to a doctor for three days because I was, quote, fine, unquote.

Okay, dad was wrong. Dad was, like, deeply wrong. First of all, going for the strip sack. On a rollover technique? No, not the way to go. Two, ran it in. I'm not mad at that, actually. Dad was right about that.

You finished that, then come back. Injuries happen when you hesitate. Somebody else could have gotten hurt. Maybe one of the two uncles. The two uncles probably had broken collarbones already. Let's be honest. Just walking around with them. And not taking him for a doctor for three days because he was fine.

Collar bones are tough, okay? No, this is a specific strain of dad dumbitude. like my my father-in-law is an honest-to-god physician and you remember that time i missed the kick six game because of a hilarious burn i sustained in a kitchen fire were you fine uh he said i was the physician in the house was like keep it clean you'll be fine uh you know 20 24 hours later in the grady burn clinic uh the the burn doctors had a different assessment you were fine should i have this fever Jason, did your dad ever tell you you were fine

about something that was demonstrably not? Well, we were on vacation. At my grandparents in Ohio, I was riding a borrowed bike on a gravel road, spilled, gashed my knee open, and let's just say we weren't exactly middle class at the time. Lower middle class would be pretty generous. So a hospital visit in a different state.

This was, you know, this was sounding a little dicey. So instead of stitches, it was, it was the glue trick. And then I was fine. Oh, beautiful. Wow. Were you actually fine? Eventually. I mean, I still have a, the scar is really weird, but yeah, I'm fine now.

I would have thought that glue would have healed oddly. Yeah, actually, the scar from my, uh, it's fine incident is the shape of a giant purple flaccid dung on my leg to this day. Mm. So, yeah, thanks, Clark. Love you. Oh, I also got a fine while going ahead first through a tire swing that was also a wasps nest and covered in wasps. And then they did the slap.

It was my dad and my granddad. So I'm getting double. You're fine. Slap some tobacco on it and then set me on a couch. And like 30 minutes later, a woman walks in the room. An aunt or something. And so, you know, to Southern man, that Jason get up. Give your seat to her.

You know, it's like my knees are taped together. It can't move. But there's a woman. You're fine. Move. Give her your seat. Did she notice the stings at all? Was she like, hey, that probably requires medical attention?

That's where I thought this was going, that a woman entered the room. I was like, what has she done? Oh, and had some sense. No, she, she didn't, she didn't notice. Good to know. That's, uh, that's my first entry in, uh, dad was wrong. Holly, do you have, uh, do you have an entry to share? I've got any of that doubt.

Do I need to stick in your category? No, you can go to your own. We can jump categories here. That's fine. All right. The category of mine, as I mentioned, is that sentences that would make, that sentences that conclude these stories, but that would make the great start of first novels.

This is from Rob Hadaway on Twitter at VH Dogg. Went out to grab a branch from the hedge clippers, wound up nipping the tip of my middle finger and getting a trip to the emergency room out. of it. It's not spectacular. The spectacular part is this, along with a fingertip that doesn't exactly line up with itself anymore. That's a George straight song. Got a crooked finger. No, that's a Randy Travis song. But a straight heart. I just thought there was something downright poetical about a fingertip that is connected to itself in every way, but the most

important one. Actually, I got a crooked finger and it's pointing straight at your heart. That That's it. That's it. I have a crooked finger from a rope swing incident, actually. My right middle finger is just permanently tweaked to the right. Yeah, do you have a finger that hurts when it rains? I do. I've had one of those spooky almanac fingers since at the University of Florida.

I attempted to catch a pass in a backyard game of backyard football. And, ta-da, broke it. I got off easy, though, because in the same game, and by the way, I was fine. inner dad. Eventually we all become dads. I judged myself to be fine. Oh, wait. Have you guys done this to your own children yet?

On several occasions, yes. You have pretty young kids, both of you. Have you had any of your fine experiences that turned out to be not? I have, and then I saw the blood and was like, no, you're probably not fine. It's probably not good. We should probably get that looked at. But yeah, I judged myself in that backyard football game, by the way,

I got off easy. We had a 260, pound nose tackle playing against a 160 pound quarterback and that's how you get a punctured long playing casual tackle football SEC SEC can I um start a third running category as well oh yes please please uh I like the really cringy body horror ones oh we got a couple of those we have these I filed it can we call this category nature is horrible so this one comes from at kira nicole i was playing in my friend's backyard at her newly constructed house when i was eight and stepped on a wood screw we had to unscrew it out of my foot mom still has the screw on

the cork board at home let me tell you as someone who has had screws put into uh put into part of myself and then taken out you can feel that shit and you can hear that shit too and that was the fun part that's i always thought the worst part of getting a bone screw would be the secondary motion you feel right like you can feel it you know vibrating as it goes oh yeah yeah yeah that's the worst my uh to extend the category because i was going to open with one of these anyway uh the nature is horrible category we're going to go into to why you don't mess with vines anybody who does any kind of long care knows that a good 25% of all backyard disasters start with vines which are the devil's pubes nobody needs to mess with them

they shouldn't exist they're awful but some of them are pretty and they creep towards you and your family at all hours centimeters at a time just waiting to wrestle you down into the earth itself before your time vines are evil that might be annihilation is a documentary

it is a documentary filmed in real time it is and it's about usually it's about Georgia lawns I got a nature horror one over here well this one we're going to get to is from where we get to yours is from howls bowels which man you should know it's going to be a good story when it's coming from a guy whose header is frowny-faced goth so i'm only allergic to two things in this world amoxicillin it's a bummer and this one vine that grows in my backyard one sunday

last fall i conveniently forgot one of these facts while in said yard clearing my north fence line an immensely overgrown concrete pad in shorts and a t-shirt. This is going nowhere but good. The other salient fact about this insidious arboreal irritant is that my reaction to whatever devil substance it produces takes about 48 hours. Two days later, I'm performing an audit in a neighboring state locked in a secure facility or even the bathroom access requires an escort. That's good. Keeps you from being lonely.

while returning a file I noticed something dripping down my arm I watch horrified as hives visibly form of both arms and begin weeping I throw on my hoodie in a futile effort to disguise the disgusting situation this is like slither

I wish I didn't have to wear headphones for this part two hours later my left forearm is blistered TLDR I'm no longer on the audit team and ruin my favorite solid verbal t-shirt because i forgot i'm allergic to one vine that as far as i can tell

only grows in my backyard that's because it's an alien life form you're infected now walking spore could erupt at any moment i'm glad you identified this should turn yourself into the authorities let them study you i'm sure it'll go well always goes well in the movies spores oh yeah do you all have plant infection stories Ooh. No, I've got a violent poison ivy allergy that did some like marching over my face and down my throat stuff when I was a kid. But yeah, it's gnarly. I've had my eyes swell shut. I had to have a tube in my throat because my throat was swollen shut. Poison ivy and me have never never been super buddies. Yeah, there's some plant when I was backpacking. and I went hiking, there's some plant, and I'm not making this up,

this sounds like Marvel origin story shit, there is some plant in the foothills of the Himalaya that when it touches my skin, not only causes it, like, not only causes pain and causes, like, causes this horrible tingling sensation, it kind of caused my, like, hand to flex a little bit, right? Like, convulse. Like, there's some plant that is so mean. It's an origin story. This is.

So when Ross Al-Gul was testing you, with the hand cramp plant It's like That plant's killed everyone who's touched it I just kept walking by like Rose banana pancakes over here guys He's the ultimate assassin He has to touch

He doesn't even know it Whisper the secret code to him You hear something? I don't hear anything Need to get back to Camad do They got hash Yeah that's I miss my calling

That's my only That's my only plant horror story Did you have a Did you have a body, another body horror story? Can we move to a new category? Oh, I'm going to. Okay. I did.

I was infected by a plant on camera, and many of our listeners have seen it because it was in a shutdown full back episode where I was pretending to be Zach Mettenberger being hurled out of Valdosta, and I rolled through the weird weeds in the backyard of our producer's house. It was a weird backyard, man. And like, immediately through the rest of the night, I'm like, shit, my leg is itching. and I just know I rolled through some shit and you can actually see it in the next week's episode

where I am a wounded cowboy Bobby Petrino and I'm wearing shorts and boots with knee braces and under the brace you can see all kinds of just nasty red stuff yeah and I remember on that episode we also had we had an actress who was playing Bobby Petrino's girlfriend and one point we thought it would be funny if I sat in her lap

because like that's kind of the weird awkward thing Bobby Petrino would do and I had to say like No, no, I don't think that would be funny. Of course it would be funny, but I didn't want to say, like, I don't want to get this disgusting rash all over a stranger. I'm covered in pus. Yeah, that would pretty much kill that skit. The first thing you want to share with somebody is not pus in life.

A joke, a smile, a good vibe. Not your skin flaking off on theirs. It's just not a good thing. Upsetting. Yeah. Hey, listeners. This is Luke Thomas, show host at MMA Fighting. If you like mixed martial arts and combat sports,

you should check out our weekly show, The MMA Hour. Each Monday, we speak with the top athletes of MMA from world champions to rising stars. We also bring you in-depth analysis on technique in our Monday morning analyst segment where we talk to some of the brightest minds in the game. Plus, we answer your questions regarding the latest news and headlines of the world

of professional fighting. Find us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. I've got a nature story that's in the fauna category from Pete at Spurs drama on Twitter. My family makes a bonfire out of brush every year at the farm family reunion. One year it rained a ton, but the pile was dry enough to burn. Now here is my favorite sentence. maybe of anyone's submissions, because no matter what kind of story you're telling, this is always a great start.

We light it up and probably 25 snakes come out. Now, probably is not a great word that you ever want to hear applied when recording number and location of snakes. A applause to Pete for taking it with good grace. The redneck wing of family apparently chased the snakes to play with them. um horrifying the more city-fied wing of pete's family that's a good one i just yeah i just want to say on that by the way that i don't think and then 25 snakes came out is a good thing in any like you can't write a sentence where that's the word probably the word i was focusing more

on like that how many snakes are there well probably how many assailants were there they were like seven or two. It's that 15? I don't know. It's the word. The word probably means you don't know if you got them all. Yeah. It's a worrisome word.

I do like the idea that you have fire and snakes in the same thing. Like that's a literal Raiders of the Ark or Lost Ark scenario. Right? Like choose one. They're all bad. Fire snakes. Fire snakes. We got a snake fire.

We have so many like lame mascot names there's not one team named fire snakes fix this college step it up yale missed it yeah come on get something right can i offer a uh a combo one deeply upsetting and one uh heartwarming oh please do so this will kind of be it'll it'll kind of be a little bit of uh brain bleach after the upsetting one from oh good r t r fn d is the handle when i was little my mom drove the lawnmower over our dog's tail and chopped it off being a dog he kept wagging the stump as they loaded him into the truck to take the vet. The bloodstains on the garage walls lingered for over a decade.

That's another one that would make a good starting sentence to a novel. The blood stains on the garage walls lingered for over a decade. Yeah, we had this with a, we had this with a Great Dane. The problem was the Great Dane had a, had nicked the tip of its ear. If you don't know, everything in your head has a whole lot of blood vessels. That goes for dogs too. And what does a dog do when it has something? or bothering it, it likes to shake its head, like it's wet, right?

And that's why we had to pay the landlord $300 to paint over the horrifying spray pattern of blood on the 15-foot ceiling in this old apartment we were living in, because, uh, great dog. There should be like how Dexter looks, analyzes human blood patterns. There should be like dogster who comes around for these, for these dogs spraying blood all over the walls. Yeah, but all the stories are like, stupid idiot dog got his paw cut and obviously padded it around here. No, I think it's a dog who does, the dog is a detective as well. Oh, the dog is a time. He just smells the wall and he wags his tail and they smell the other wall, and he wags his tail, and then he takes a nap.

Yeah. So here's the, uh, the canine revenge story from Logwan the Dawn having a water noodle fight with my brother in the yard when he gets chopped at the knees by the family golden retriever who is running. around in a frenzy broken collarbone so these two boys are just whapping each other with water noodles and the golden is getting more and more worked up by all the excitement until it's just barrels over somebody you know what that that dog was a walk on he's not anymore you got a scholarship son come on in just can't bear all the the sloppy styrofoam excitement to all this was take down like a mall cop

that's enough you stay out of the hot topic man you do get that when you're having a water noodle fight in the hot topic so I was having a water noodle fight in the hot topic and probably 25 snakes came running out of the place

we all start applying that and everyone listen to me try this try inserting this in your daily life today you know just if you've got a conference call on you since you're losing your audience if you're trying to talk to your idiot children and you sense that their attention is wandering just try sprinkling it in and then probably about 25 snakes came out if you want to make sure your sandwich artist is recording your order correctly I I would like to return if I would to the the dad was wrong category

if we can come back to that because I have maybe the most stellar example, and it includes what Holly likes to call the Ann 1, which is the little detail at the end that really just, it's the grace note that makes the entire story sing. There's a tune and there's harmony, but it doesn't really sing until you got the Ann 1 in a backyard disaster. So this backyard disaster comes courtesy of Matt Kozlerich, Kozlerich. It's one of those two. I'm so good at this. I was 14 years old. My dad and I were doing lawn care at a new property that had fallen into disrepair. While mowing the foot high grass, I cut through a mass of exposed electrical wires. Man, good job. That were for outdoor lighting or something and completely tangled the blades.

I mean, that's, that's dumb. That's proper dumb, right? You should probably see that shit. Right. Story's just starting. After spending the next hour untangling the blades and suffering a heavy lecture from my dad about being more attentive, this is what's called set up.

I was benched by my dad as he got on the mower. It's always the best part in a dad's story and I have lived it, which is, son, let me show you how it's done. Five minutes later, he managed to ride the lawnmower into a pond.

I've never felt more validated in my life. Matt, let me tell you, I have thought about this question all my life, which is if you could enter anyone's body and experience the full joy and sensation or pleasure or terror or just curiosity or wonder of that moment, like if you could do full virtual reality, which person in history would you pick, right? Like, that's one question I've had. Like I thought for just a second, the most incredible experience you could have was maybe like Felix Baumgartner. Like if you could just leap into his body for a second when he like jumped from a balloon in space and parachuted in, just do that for like five or ten seconds.

That'd be incredible. I would rather be in your body at this moment to experience the satisfaction of watching your dad having freshly bolt you out for making a dumb but probably understandable lawn care error and try and help him watching him put a lawnmower into a pond five minutes. minutes after that, the joy, the joy is palpable to me right now. If I could experience it, it would probably be the greatest feeling of my life. It might exceed the birth of my children. That's how good I imagine this would be. Oh, he's not done. We were both laughing as he, we pulled the mower out of the pond.

The hilarity of the situation overshadowed any frustration. He had built up over the previous hour. Did it, did it? Did it? No, I've been. No. No, man. No.

How often would I bring this up on the hour? Every hour. It'd be the first thing I told at my dad's funeral. Be like, the first thing you need to know about my dad is that one time he put a mower into a pond like a dumb ass. It'd be the first line. Because the first line of my dad's eulogy is going to be, there was one time I watched my dad put a fishing lure 50 feet up a fucking tree after telling us how we were doing it wrong. and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Actually, that's going to be the whole eulogy.

Peace out. Later, Ed. I'm pretty sure my dad hooked my brother's lip with a fishing line. Like, not his own lip, my brother's lip, but it wasn't in our yard. Did he do it after saying, hey, son, watch this? Oh, positive. I mean, my dad doesn't speak, but, you know, I'm sure he meant it. Jason indicated, watch this.

Yeah, Jason, do you have any? Have you, you've got a daughter, so it's a different experience, but have you, have you got any of these, these dad was wrong moments that you'd like to relive for our personal entertainment? None are coming to mine and you know I would happily share them if I did. One difference of having a daughter who is also, not only is she a daughter, therefore she's not a boy, boys are stupid is I. So stupid. I literally think she's smarter than me. So I don't, I've kind of just given up on like, watch this kind of stuff, you know. Are you asking her, like, how do you do this?

Yeah, like, because she's just going to, like, school me on Minecraft or something like that, and then I'll feel like double dumbass, but I really don't think I have any. I'm sorry. No, it's good to know your place. Yeah. By the way, has she caught, has she caught you on any video games besides Minecraft? Like, has she passed you? Um, no.

The, uh, the, uh, the Lego, like the Lego Avengers and Lego Star, and all that she's gotten really good at those she's really creative solving the puzzles and whatnot and she has a longer attention span for them than i do so that's that's not a good thing man yeah you know these like kids games made for nine-year-olds i just don't have the attention span for them just too much plot internet's ruined your brain yeah the fucking terrible one is the pirates of the caribbean lego game have you seen that one it was free on box or whatever and like nobody's seen those damn movies yes mr mr mr fax in my ear telling me that actually they all made like three billion dollars even though no one knows anyone who's seen

any of them but like the whole thing is based around you knowing the plot there's like no dialogue no captions no nothing it's just people mumbling at each other and no explanation to what's happening what you're supposed to do it's fucking terrible it's a terrible game play the avengers and star wars and Jurassic park ones Jurassic park you can like dig in poop yeah remember Jurassic Park. It's the video game where in order to make an empowering female character, they gave her the power to dive into a giant pile of poop. That's what she does. She does swan dives into elephant shit and like dinosaur shit. Yeah. And that's kind of a backyard disaster. I agree. I agree. The game that my elder son is better than I am at is any

fighting game. So I consistently tell him when we go. He's like, why can't we buy that? I'm like, These games are too violent. Here, we should get this game that has a lot of guns. But any game that's a button-mashing fighting game, like he's going to get Super Smash Brothers and it comes out in December, guess he's going to play him. I don't know. That's a question.

Guess it's not going to be me. Not you. Not it. I'm not losing. And if I play him, I'm losing. I suck at fighting games. This is true. At an arcade once, I learned that Spencer somehow made the age of like 48 or however old he

without playing Street Fighter 2 until that very moment. Perfect. What? Yeah, it was incredible. From Capers Thompson made a slip and slide out of some old tarps. Oh, God, this one made me pupe. So Capers, in case you're wondering, like, that sounds like something a South Carolina fan would do. Yes, correct.

We did not inspect them for holes. My ring finger found one during a particularly spirited slide and got caught in the plastic. The result? a torsional fracture. I don't even know if I said that word right. That's how bad a fracture this is. Requiring a plate and five screws. Had to quit my summer construction job.

Damn, son. When you construct a slip and slide so intense that they throw you off the force, they say your ideas are too extreme. Your constructions are just too advanced. You can't be around here anymore. you need to go start your own construction firm for people who can handle such deranged art get out of here yeah he's lucky you didn't do like a full evulsion man that's where it like you de-glove the hand

yeah for those of you scoring at home a torsional fracture is achieved when you know imagine you've got a human leg now in your hand you're holding it now take your left hand and twist it clockwise take your right hand and twist it counterclockwise. And imagine everything fun that happens to the bone and muscle in between. Beez-hoo! Wee! Yeah. By the way, my favorite new game, if you take,

which is putting a certain phrase that we've been using for the past 20 minutes or so at the end of other phrases. What about snakes? The first line of pride and prejudice really works well with this. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession, of a good fortune must be a wonderful wife and then about 25 snakes came out i'd read that probably that's great probably um yeah i i have one uh which is in the dad was wrong category it is from fun while it lasted which is definitely a backyard disasters title you at uf mark 79 gathered about

30 Christmas trees from neighborhood for New Year's Eve backyard bonfire it's what you should know about evergreens y'all. They burn like crazy and pine trees especially like lob-lolly pines or any of those extremely long

skinny pines. You know what they've got in the ground? Big root system. You know what's really super flammable? That big root system. You know it continues to burn long after you put the fire out? That root system. Don't ever do them. They're just they're just bombs that go off.

I think eucalyptus trees are the only thing that in a forest fire makes a louder explosion when everything inside it actually goes off. Pine trees, then eucalyptus trees. More proof that Australia is the continent that is 110% trying to kill you at every turn because even their most, like, famous signature tree, the one the koalas eat off of.

Yeah, it's just a piece of ordinance waiting to happen. how Australian So UF Mark 79 says Around 10 p.m. It's good and sleepy My dad was tired And he made us throw

The 15 Throw about 15 on I guess the remainder So he could go to bed We objected Because Because dad's idea is dumb It's a real life

Dad was wrong This is a bad idea He insisted Because dad 30 foot flames Garden hose kept trees and house from burning Semi-colon

Fire Department told him we were right Again, if I could be in your bodies at that moment and experience the full joy of professional safety people showing up at your house looking at 30-foot flames looking at your children

fighting the fire that you had told them to start and then saying your children were right and you were wrong, sir. You shouldn't have burned 15 Christmas trees at once so you could go to bed. I don't know. Just put 500 Christmas trees on there. Dad has got to take a nap.

I'm so goddamn tired. I'm so tired. Just burn it all. That's Pete Dad right there. Don't you think that'll burn down the house in the neighborhood? I hope it does. I'm working a double tomorrow, so either I'm getting my sleeper or all dying tonight.

either way the bank's never seeing this shit they're not getting a dime back on this go find some more Christmas trees go daddy can burn it all

burn every Christmas tree that's how dad became like anti-claws Satan claws Antifa claws Antifa claws Coward show your face and debate me Antifa calls

The Grinch was just a dad trying to go to sleep Shut up you little Stop singing Every character from Thanos to the Grinch gets his comeuppets and his leg redemption when you think Oh he's just dad Holly Spencer

Do you have a category you'd like to share I don't have a dad story but I I've got a few left that kind of defy categorization No wait I've got a body horror one

Sorry Nature is horrible I forgot I still had this one in the holster This one also falls under great first novel sentences This is from Offcut Workshop The Offcut Workshop

and it begins thusly my dentist had never seen baby teeth come out with the entire root intact let's let's work back to that uh our friend the off cut workshop tells us lost eight teeth when a rusted out basketball goal fell on me rim first celebrated the fourth of july as we all should rim first with a two-hour ambulance ride and an overnight two-hour ambulance ride where the hell were y'all at an overnight stay in the ER the oral surgeon who had to get called in was upset because there was nothing to be done so at 10 first of all yes so at 10 I had dentures I had braces for three years four surgeries and now have two titanium screws with dental implants god damn Jesus wept always gets me when you get to dental work that's what you know you've

done something really wrong. Like, well, they had to open my mouth and replace the hard, nearly indestructible rocks that just appear out of my bones. I just love the dentist being like, well, that's new. It was a tale. I'm going to try it again. It was a tale of two. It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness. And it probably had about 25 snakes coming out of it. I like it. It works for anything. my next one uh the next one i wanted to share is i think it's it's a simple one but i'm here for it i file it under fire it's from datasaurus at datasaurus one not to be confused with datasaurus

is two through blah blah blah wife wife decided to burn a brush pile use gas to help it along has this ever worked by the way i'm surprised that a lady is the one This is not a recurring theme in our. I'm going to guess this lady is coming from the, she's coming from the belt of the country where using gas to help it along seems like a viable option. Yeah, this sounds like hot dish logic. Yeah.

Because if you know, gas is like, it's not lighter fluid. It's not the most, you know, stable of things to use when you're trying to help things along. It's usually how real bad things happen. Oh, let's go back to the story. she lights it I hear a huge

that noise if you've ever heard it it's not good and look over to see her staggering away from a 30 foot tall fire sands eyelashes eyebrows and a decent amount of hairline

if this was before she was your wife that's when you propose that moment if you've ever by the way lit the brush fire and been near it. It really does make that noise

and it'll turn at least two people for a moment into the staggering stuntman on fire from every movie from made between 1968 and 1985. Jason? At Uncle Worm on Twitter. Was mowing the lawn

with a push mower in flip-flops? Yes. Ad-a-boy. Fuck yes. While hungover, Thank you. Thank you. In undergrad, perfection. Came upon some particularly high grass. Tried to use my right foot to help the mower get through it.

Mower didn't move forward, but the back did lift up and my foot slipped under. Lost 3.25 toes. Specifically, three and a quarter toes. I appreciate the precision of his measurements there. If you got to lose a toe, which one do you choose? if you can choose to lose a toe the pinky toes really don't do anything if that counts as an entire toe no they they provide needed stability though like I would take the third or the fourth toe because like you want the pinky toe for but like you want the full range of balance are you good with just your outside toes I think if you yeah yeah like the and then you're doing like the permanent rock on sign with your feet I just, I think that's what devil horn feet. Yeah. Isn't that what beast's feet are in X-Men?

That's what I would think of it is. Which brings about the second question, guys, what are we going to do with 18 toes between us? 18 loose toes. You know, that to me, that sounds like the beginning of a barter challenge. That'd be a great place to end the episode, but I have another couple stories. I do have, I do have a couple more I want to wrap up. All right. Let me jump in right here with Austin Souter's AM Souter on Twitter.

This isn't spectacular in and of itself, but it's got a beautiful little flourish at the end. I concussed slash knocked myself out chopping wood in the backyard. Not quite sure what happened, but I took an axe handle to the face and woke up face down in the mulch. Here's the part I love. My roommate did a concussion test by throwing a cornhole bag at me to see if I'd fall over, which I did. thank you for your service austin does he have a concussion i don't know want you whopping this is at least as useful as anything i've seen on the sideline this is like 1990s NFL protocol so i think this is pretty recent pro like NFL protocol i think

that's what they were doing to tom savage last year throwing beanbags at him i would love to end my selection of backyard disasters with some simplicity. It's not even like the second part of this. Because the second part of this, which is from It All Stinks, which comes from the handle at 170-year-old fart. Sure. Whose bio is just a bucket of cracklins. This is our audience.

And I say this with such warmth and affection. You're our people. Thank you. love you. So, 170-year-old fart, a.k.a. It all stinks on Twitter. The second part of a, he has

two things that he just submits in terse prose, the first one being the one that I want to talk about. The second is, group of us firing bottle rockets, got one lodged in a barn roof, and burned half of it off. Things I'd want to see. It's not top 100, but it's close.

The first one, though, I don't think you can burn the first one for sheer oh shit. simplicity which is this teenage idiocy one friend was tossing a metal bat in the yard went a bit high and hit the transformer on the pole knocking out power to 20 houses we got quite a few of these we had quite a few kids like shut down the grid that's the best part is because congratulations to all the future libertarians out there this is this is the second best shutting down the grid story i've ever heard the the because one this is jackass simple right like hi i'm bam margera and this is knocking out power to 20 houses and just about

25 snakes came out and just whips the back and the best part is he had to know something bad would happen because transformers don't make little noises if you've ever heard a transformer blow up oh no oh no it's this wasn't subtle it wasn't like oh i don't know the lights aren't on and you know that guy's coming out of his house looking around and see what's going on. No, this thing went the minute he threw an aluminum bat into it. Also, consider, for cartoon sound effects,

nothing beats the doink of an aluminum bat, especially if it's hitting the side of a transformer, which then makes the noise of the fabric of time and space being rent apart, right? The doink that took the sun. Dink! So it goes, so it goes, and then you hear a noise that people three towns away

we're like what the fuck is that and you know the best part about this is that there's nothing that explains it the power company shows up and they're like who why did somebody throw a bat in a transformer and you're like we don't know we just did it you're bored stupid

it. Yeah, the first best power grid story ever is that the entire power grid of Anchorage, Alaska, was taken down by an eagle who was carrying part of a caribou carcass. And the best part of the story is that it comes from naked ambition and the inability to pull it off, but also the determination that you were going to do it, right? You were going to punk out. No, what you were going to do if you were this that's that's right this is a salute to the anchorage eagle that took out the entire power grid of anchorage alaska because you had a half a caribou carcass in your claws could you get it off the ground yes you could because you're an american eagle the symbol of this nation did you get it all the way off the ground ah that's debatable but you thought you could do it

you saw power lines coming up you knew they were bad they made a crackling noise weren't exactly sure what they were going to do, but you thought you were going to clear them. And you know why? Because you're an American. You were a symbol. You had something to live up to. So you tried to pull up American Eagle. Imagine white captain, all your splendor going directly into the power lines with half a caribou carcass. The sizzling, the glory, dare I say, the star spangled explosion you made when you went into those power lines, it was worth it. Did you fail? I think that depends on your definition of failure. Ambition to me is never a failure.

And neither is knocking out the power grid to an entire city because you, you wanted more. Salute to you, Bald Eagle. That's my president. I feel like we should end the episode here, except that I have to tell you guys about the time Silver Bridges tried to turn an old TV into a snake terrarium. Jason, I'm going to give you a chance to put in one more here,

because this is our finale. Silver Bridges, if you don't remember, we have a story about him from a couple of years back, which is also incredible. Longtime reader and... Silver Bridges, Cross Country, Gallivant. And Real Life Railroad Bandit. So, Jason, you get one more to throw through the transom here

before we close this out. I'm going to do a lightning round. I just have too many. We can't go with just one. So one is, this goes in Dad was wrong. WLS co-pilot. Fielding ground balls from my dad when I was maybe seven or eight years old. Full sprint collided head first with our cherry tree.

My dad's response, should have taken a better angle. Well, now, how was dad wrong? Yeah. It just fits the job. I mean, I guess you're going to play. I'm sorry, it's part of the ballpark. You got to play the tree. I don't know.

I didn't see the schematics of it. From at Breedless, not a backyard disaster per se at first, but in college, I had a fire incident while frying fish in the kitchen and being a dumb college student. I did not have a fire extinguisher. So I wrapped my arm in a beach towel and grabbed the four foot flaming skillet and threw it in dirt in backyard. This is how you know you're truly, you're truly on brand when you turn a cooking, you know, you're cooking dinner and you turn it into a backyard disaster. Um, from panderonicus on Twitter was in a buddy's backyard and setting stuff on fire as you do wanted to see how Molotov cocktails work but didn't have a glass bottle so he used a plastic two liter filled with kerosene oh mm-hmm lit it didn't

explode but he kicked it burned off all of his leg hair and shorts that'll happen uh from at tc internets in college bunny buddy wanted us to set off fireworks in his backyard when he proposed to his lady three of us volunteered to hide in bushes and set them off but didn't coordinate our positions buddy ended up betrothed but our pal mark took an exhale bottle rocket to the skull i do thanks mark a real quick one from micah garner 50 once played a wiffle game on a fenced-in asphalt tennis court one guy slid into home wearing shorts Did he think Roger Federer was out there just like bulletproofing it? He no longer has a calf, but he got that run.

And finally, I love this exchange. This is a three-part exchange. First is from Y-E-L-L-M-K. Second is from Defank underscore B-U. And the last is from Smills on Twitter. First, tried to adjust the lawnmower. but forgot to turn it off almost lost a finger

fortunately just four stitches in a mangled middle phalanche it was our anniversary had dinner together in the ER the first reply dude and then from Smills

this happened to my church's worship leader but he did lose some of his finger learned to play guitar with a shorter finger or two Smills's worship leader is out here losing fingers, but just keeps jamming for the Lord. Okay, I'm done. That's my list. One of my low-key favorite parts of this thread was watching people's siblings

or friends pop into the thread and be like, oh, God, I'm sorry about that. Or, man, I forgot about that. Yeah, sorry, dude. Or continuing to taunt them. I got your eyes. Holly, take us to the ER, for real. back to the program, Aubrey Neely, Silver Bridges, who once tried to turn an old TV into a snake terrarium, took it out back so I could remove the vacuum tube with an acetylene torch. Explosion, so violent, it snuffed out my friend's cigarette. This is structured poetry. Broken window.

Various lacerations to hands and arms, but the mental toll was considerable. And what do we say? and probably 25 snakes coming out of it.