Shutdown Fullcast - Bad Day To Be A Balloon Boy

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

 - This week, we rank college football powers and would-be powers by potential endorsement deals via each school’s most famous booster!  - Spencer is almost positive he knows the difference between NLI and NIL, but that knowledge is definitely not apparent in this episode!  - Did you know it’s legal to shoot down hot-air balloons in Kansas on one day each year? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have you guys been getting spam? I thought when you were, when you said you were getting spam through Google Docs, you meant you were getting spam through Google Calendar. No, it means I get documents sent to me. Oh, I got one of those, and I was like, this is bullshit. And I did not have gotten any of those, and I'm mad. Looking to suck straight dick is probably not a legit, like, business here. Let's, let's give them. Let's hear them out.

Let's hear him out. Does it mean straight dick as a heterosexual dick Or straight dick as in no weird dick I think it's a geometry thing Yeah Like I had 2014 old Miss Alabama Inbox infinity An essay for Charlie Worsall

Full cast notes and looking to suck straight dick Or is it like My first impression honestly was like straight dick homie Yeah like I want those No Frills dick Base model Oh I don't want free on a dick ever.

It's not a crested lizard. Straight dick. So I got this spoiler. I got this spoiler for nothing. Great. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. A little warble there. No, no, we're going to go with the warble.

That one had a little wobble in it for the, for the 2021. It's a sinker just drops right off the plate. Batter can't get his batter can't give a handle on it at all. We have a baseball podcast, right? This is a what? This is the internet's only baseball podcast. If you want another one, too bad. Baseball podcast should really be.

sent out on CDs that also have now I feel bad we can't do that to Serber who has an actual baseball podcast wait he does yes I can't tell if you're fucking with me or not no server you sent server go ahead please plug your baseball podcast we do have a college baseball podcast

college sports now and you can follow us on Twitter at be I didn't know you meant CSN okay That's not a baseball podcast. That's a college baseball podcast. That's a college football podcast that I don't listen to at this time of year. Yeah. We cover college baseball during this time of year, in fact.

I mean, that's, listen, Tennessee's good at baseball. I'm just fucking around with y'all. Isn't Arkansas good at baseball? Did I make that all kinds of weird shit going on this year, okay? Yeah, who's actually good in college baseball this year? We are. I know Tennessee's good. It's weird.

So give us the. best five teams in college baseball without thinking too hard about it go uh Arkansas Vanderbilt Tennessee Florida um Stanford and the SEC or in the country in the country it just means more I mean like nine teams from the SEC are going to make the NCAA tournament I know Tennessee is good and that is confusing to me yeah they're not supposed to be good at baseball that's no I know yeah it's a total anomaly nobody knows what's happening um souls have probably been stolen i want for arkansas is that rude of me i mean i think is it it's a question for whether Arkansas fans you can reach Ryan at 615 no no for real don't do that

that's felony endangerment please stop approaching my mother in church yeah that's do not give Arkansas fans any personal information because pretty soon they'll live in your walls and you might come to enjoy the company who can say i assume arkansas fans saw the matrix and they were like i will learn how to do this i mean it's a red pill it's a red pill you know what a red pill it's a woo pill suey you know what those are that's trucker speed that's all that is i will hack you watch yeah little neo matrix whatever his name was he took them diet pills and they gave him the power jesus christ you know what that dude's name was hmm they call him jesus jesus neo and he took that trucker speed and that's that's why i call follow college baseball to this day i had a joke

but as usual yes and the it's not how it works i know i have an important question yeah what what beer are you on of the beers that you owe the world okay so um remember when ryan had a great plan for this that was actually kind of sweet mm-hmm mm-hmm and then i'm like no i just have to drink the beers that's why i'm bringing up i did have a beer this weekend so that would take the number of beers from 369 to 368 to 368 to go baby okay all right good or we could do Ryan's idea where I go and buy go to a bar no why you know what he said it on the show so I understand why you don't know what we're talking about many things are said and many things go in

one ear and out the other it's not that you're a shitty co-worker it's that you think you're not if you have to buy 3658 beers for let's say our listeners what what are you but you can only buy one kind of beer what are you ponying up for or ponying down for maybe that should be a phrase pony down yeah I will be ponying down because uh I just think it makes I don't think everybody your buddy down is when you snort coke out of your buddy's chest hair still go SMU they don't have chest hair it's completely waxed i was gonna say mm-hmm i would like a ken doll down there yeah full of cocaine a guy a guy named can in dallas if you walk into a bar full of middle-aged men in dallas and go hey ken

it's like gonna be ten heads looking back at you yeah can't you can't you can't you can't somebody's king in a king ranch what that goddamn X bro bro it'll be a running of the kens every night

when I walk it at 945 and say hey Ken so I would probably end up Kenny though that's some TCU no yeah no no Kenny's yeah Kenny's definitely Kenny went to Baylor oh sir

there's no reason to be unkind Kenny is a bear, to be clear. Kenny is a black bear who graduated from Baylor with a bachelor's in chemical engineering. No, I mean, there's no need to be unkind to people who go to Baylor a bad place. Oh, I see. Yeah, we've discussed the weirdness of Waco before, but I think that everybody who goes there is, like those who have spent time in the upside down, somewhat touched by it. They all look a little haunted, every single one of them. So you are buying what?

are coming up to the bar and saying bartender buy me 368 film 300 i'm going to go something pretty bulk but pretty like some quality so maybe if i could do um i really wish i could do 368 old milwaukee tall boys for everybody that's what i would do because it's got to be the worst possible combination to sing and beers on the wall that i can think of here's here's the thing i am i am yeah old milwaukee sorry what ryan I am confident if you go to a bar that has old Milwaukee tallboys and has 368 of them. I'm going to conservatively say 200 of them are room temperature. You are not getting 368 cold Milwaukee tall, old Milwaukee tall boys.

That's assuming that you go in the summer. That's, I mean, yeah. Ryan, I didn't say new Milwaukee. I said they were old Milwaukee. They might be room temperature. We probably should do this in Wisconsin. They understand these things. Also, it wouldn't take us long to get through those 368 old Milwaukee tallboys.

Oh, in Wisconsin, if you go into a bar and order 368 tallboys, they're just like, ah, you're having a baptism party. Congrats. Eighth grade graduation. That is one of the perfect matches between beer and delivery system, the old Milwaukee can. The tall boy, it is a classic because he gives you exactly the correct amount of old Milwaukee to rest from because when you finish that much old Milwaukee

you're going to need a moment also you chase it with a tall boy of Arizona Arnold Palmer and you've just put as much liquid as your body can hold they call that a cactus bowl and like the cactus bowl not sanctioned by any organization

you didn't deserve that it depends on the year some years you did it's up there with the coronita the little the little coronas is being like one of one of the perfect variant beers for beer and delivery size so that's what i would order for everybody it's very spencer that you're like i must have a beer in a in a in a like slightly off size well there's some that work better i'm not going to get regular the irregular beer That's her whole story. Either I'm drinking 38 tiny beers or nine enormous ones. I need to, I need, you know what I need? I need scorigami, but for my beer keeping. I need these pants in a 3927. That was one of my favorite things I have heard a serious beer drinker say.

He was a professor of mine at the University of Florida co-cators. And while drinking, he looked over at me and somebody had said, hey, how many beers are you on? He looks up and goes, what am I? A beer accountant? No, that's a grad level course at Florida. I mean, yeah, yeah, maybe. The thing that I wanted to open talking about was this, that speaking up.

Listener, just remember, we're at 368. Just keep that in mind, go ahead. We're at 368, Milwaukee Tallboys on the wall. I wanted to. 368 Milwaukee Tallboys. I want to Milwaukee's best tall boys speaking of ponies those walkies best tall boys speaking of pony kicks oh cocaine cowboy welcome back uh we we have my favorite thing in the world which is horses on drugs i'm going to say it i don't think horses should be forced to raise i do

think they should be allowed whatever drugs they want yeah i don't know if it's i don't know if you could even call it doping with the horse because doping it did you look at the list of shit they put into this horse yes did it have blood it's not like motron i thought they just gave it like a little ibuprofen i know what you did you look you saw anti-inflammatory and we're like oh they gave it a hospital dose of mortrant moatron no look at the list i mean does it does it look like don simpson's toxicology report is that bad uh this is So Betamethosone in the bloodstream of the Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit. Not exactly, like, I don't know. You ever heard of an athlete with Betamethosone in their bloodstream?

I haven't. It sounds bad. But when you're talking about horses getting drugs, my favorite thing about this story is this, that anyone is shocked whatsoever. They're like, no. horse racing cheating

no not in the fine sport of horse racing horse girls Twitter is coming after you and I am not going back to that life I'm not impugning show ponies I'm not impuging you already impugned SMU buddy dressage dressage I'm not I'm not

saying anything about Tennessee walking horses though I could no Save it for the Red Dead 2 episode, friend. This is a horse racing. Horse racing is one of the few sports with ethical boundaries are even more permeable.

Porous. Well, I think it's appropriate that we call horse racing the sport of kings because it's like, oh yeah, kings are mean as shit to poor people. You kidding me? Super thin-skinned. It's the sport of really shitty kings.

That should be clear. Are they good kings? Kings are fucking despots. Santa Claus is a good king. King Williams. Love that guy. That's about the only good king, I know. Tulane quarterback, Sean King.

Yeah, exactly. There's a Derek King. We've got a number of good football-based kings. We don't have any good ones who are involved. Not King Friday in the Mr. Rogers universe. No way, fuck that guy. Yep. I mean, as somebody who had a family member who worked in the training of horses,

let me tell you yeah when you were involved when you were called as a witness in a federal trial involving horses when they're like yeah the best guy at the sport in training horses turns out to just be shooting these large animals full of powerful steroids no no that's so unlike the sport of horse racing I do think steroids are great and that everyone should do them here is a here is a horrifying Wikipedia sentence This is from the page, Equine Drug Testing. The early history of horse doping is unclear, although according to Euripides, some horses were fed human flesh to make them faster and more savage. Don't go near that horse. He's got a taste for man. Mr. Baffert. What's horrifying.

Mr. Baffert, we need to see you in our office. Your horses tested positive for Steve. Did you say what's horrifying when he said Horses eating people? No. No? No. I was talking about something else.

That, oh, feeding. I'm looking at crystals on Etsy. You can't prove shit. A horse that ate human flesh to go stronger. To go fast. Yeah. Go fast. Now, think about this.

I mean, the odds of this writing surviving means that either we are looking at a, you know, a once-in-a-generation occurrence that just happened to survive the intervening millennia, or this was a trend that was common enough to where it was found even among the very few contemporary. counts that remain of this time. Yeah. We're not just talking about a flesh eating horse.

Yeah. No, this is multiple flesh eating horses down the line as part of a long tradition. No, this is like

the 91 hurricanes of horses. What is this is what that also suggested that there were frustrated horse owners who would

just like at the end of the day they'd just be like, fuck, he just won't eat people. I'm doing everything I can

But he won't eat people. Oh, so I got you in the stables today. Little Clarikos. Oh, hey, thanks. What's the job? Well, you're only going to have to work it for one day. Your dinner. Your dinner for a horse.

Thank you. This is so much better than living to see tomorrow. Keep going. Let's see where this goes. No, just leave a little clericose there. About to be eaten by a horse. a very happy horse you're like man that horse is happy to see you why do you think they're still testing for human flesh probably not right what if i fed the horse a power lifter whose body

had been pumped full of powerful steroids that's the excuse that bob baffert should have yes it's not that far from what he did either which by the way please read aloud the excuse that Bob Baffert used. I want to get it right. You do want to get it right because it's a very specific claim. It is, man, it's a damn whopper. It's pretty spectacular.

So Bob Baffert, when asked to explain why Medina Spirit had this in its bloodstream, first of all, blamed cancel Colour. culture for coming after his horse to which i usually they have a much more abrupt way of canceling horses in that business i'm just pointing it out r-ri-p barboreau the the other thing that uh what i thought of when i heard that was did the horse test positive for like flagrant racism

you're like yeah this horse can't win economic anxiety economic My old Kentucky horse. We don't sing. This horse sings the third verse of that song. Wait, is there a non-racist version of that song? No, it's just the whole thing's racist, yeah. So there was that. Oh my God, my heart lies there.

It was right in front of us the whole time. The whole time. It's a snack. So not only was the horse crazily racist, which was incidental to its performance in either direction um said baffert said that a groom urinating in the stall after the groom had been taking cough medicine and the that the horse ate some of the hay first of all how much cough medicine is this groom drinking and two uh how much of the hay is the horse eating let's not blame the horse here at all okay that would be a very very very very very

innovative way to get drugs into the horses system right like yeah just just pee all over this i gotta tell you like how much does it cost to own and like care for a high-end racehorse was the groom peeing into the feeding troughs and when do horses just eat the hay that makes up their bedding this one does this dirty horse this horse so far is a racist hay eating fool That's what we've decided. Who won the Kentucky Derby? Lest we forget, this is also the horse. I only know this because I had to go to the orthopedist

between the Kentucky Derby and this show. And because I went to a doctor's office right after the Kentucky Derby, that's all anybody was talking about. Because, I don't know, rich people. I just feel like if I owned a racehorse, I would instruct people, please don't piss on the horse's food.

well especially because as i was about to say this is the horse that was purchased for a thousand dollars and then won the derby huh hmm yeah i would i would maybe when the margins are that huge you you get a little sloppy with the the dick swinging the support staff yeah i'm trying to make this plausible and my shoulder hurts i This is also, by the way, Baffert has said that Baffert has done this before because

he said that... Piss on hay? Yeah, yeah, no, he's used this before because in July 2020 another horse, Marnath tested positive for another drug at Delmar. And he said that an employee

had peed and contained, had contaminated the horse because the groom had been taken cough medicine which I like are there just a bunch of grooms out there just absolutely crushing dime a tap just how did did this originate like in swimming

like did this somehow come through like an Olympic connection where people were competitive swimmers blaming tainted pee in the pool I don't know but if you told me Ryan Locktie had eaten something that somebody had peed in in front of him I would have believed it go gators we had a Twitter user ask us not too long after the story broke in in related news why don't they just immediately point the finger at gronk and I got to say

that's a pretty good idea you can blame him for so much and I would buy it well you can blame him for so much and most of it's probably going to be true yeah he'd be like gronk just walked up and peed on the horse plausible check yes no I'm checking yes that was not the only uh that was by the way not the only animal related story that we have to cover tonight the other one was that um so there was a tiger in houston this morning why was um we don't know where it is we don't know where the tiger he's going up with the tennessee tiger and if i told you that there were that that that a tiger had appeared in a residential neighborhood in houston a pretty nice looking one from what I could see, and that the tiger had been confronted by a sheriff's deputy. Can we pause there for just a minute? Mm-hmm.

What is your experience in judging the niceness of tigers from photos? Oh, I thought the neighborhood was nice. Oh, no, I meant the neighborhood was nice. Okay, I apologize. I would put it this way. The neighborhood did not look like the neighborhood, Like, the neighborhood did not look like the kind of place where you could get away with having, I don't know, a major HOA violation like a tiger. Boring. Okay, right?

I apologize. I thought you were, I thought you were commenting on the tiger. No, the tiger, I have no comment on its personality other than, actually, Ryan, I will say it's pretty docile because it didn't rip the sheriff's face off on camera, which it could have done easily. Also... Is this a tiger that just doesn't want to? enough i this is this is this is this is an off-year lsu tiger yeah it doesn't want it enough it's just it's just completely languid and unmotivated because it kind of just looked like it was walking up to the guy frankly and of course this like enormous it looked exactly what i've said like hey man so houston

sheriff's deputy off duty you're like oh yeah like roared it out wearing boots some skinny jeans it wants to go to taco cabana it did look like it did look like it just wanted to go to taco cabana man nothing wrong with that no it looked like it looked pretty chill uh i'm hard pressed to find a situation in which i am not team tiger because talk about didn't ask to be here didn't it didn't ask to be there didn't ask to get a gun pointed at it by this big like brohane looking dude just just enormous slab of county sheriff on all the nandrolone in the world and didn't ask to be kept by a guy should be clear some someone else paid in that sheriff's hey all right so don't just go throwing around accusations yeah so we have

an update because the story you've left out you've left out several key details but please go i will i will get there but you can cover this and then i will get you to the part where We take a turn. I want all the good shit. Okay, Holly, here's what... You just say we're going to take turns. Here's what Spencer has not told you. The man who allegedly owns the tiger and fleed with it or fled with it, is out on bond on a murder charge.

What? Yep. Why? Mm-hmm. He was out on $250,000 bond. Oh, from an, oh, was out on Bond before this? Correct. Oh, that's much better.

And, I mean, obviously don't murder. And apparently one of the conditions of the Bond was not forfeit your tiger. He couldn't forfeit it, Ryan. Do you know why? Why? Because the man's name, by the way, is a guy named Victor Hugo Cuivas. Kuevas was left the scene with the tiger in a Jeep Cherokee. Yes! Yes! Okay.

We're not done, though, because his lawyer... I should mention, by the way, that Victor Kuevas just took the tiger by the collar. Yes. Like, it was a lab. Like, oh, come here, buddy. Here we go. Jealous. Put it... I am legit jealous. There was a brief police pursuit, and the guy with the tiger in his Jeep got away.

his attorney his attorney has this to say and i will read i will read it verbatim people are making a lot of assumptions in this particular case maybe he might be the hero out there who caught the tiger that was in the neighborhood who is his argument is that this is perhaps not mr quavis's tiger and that he was in fact doing a mitzvah um it says pretty insistent by the way that he does not own the tiger that they and also you can't own a tiger said his client does not own it but that he could not elaborate on his connection to the animal sure I want you to imagine priests penitent privilege that that that tiger tiger is his master please imagine this by the way

that that tiger was in that car tear an ass running from the cops and do you know who the chillest animal in that car was it was the tiger correct tiger was like well no man it's crazy think i might just lay here and not rip your face off like i could oh hell that's just hank uh mr quavis apparently also had two monkeys in his home having a monkey is not illegal in houston if it's under 30 pounds which like let monkeys thrive and tigers are not allowed within Houston city limits unless the handler is licensed to have exotic animals Ryan monkey body now you're leaving an important detail out and it's this that the Houston area sheriffs could not comment on the location or

whereabouts of the monkeys yes yes and they went out of their way to say that too like y'all You might run up on some monkeys. Don't freak out. God, I love that we're doing dark, gritty reboots of Jumanji now. This rules. Fine with all of this. Here's the other thing. He was on the run for a while, this guy,

because this started in the morning, and there was kind of a mid-morning chase. And I don't believe they apprehended him until around three or four o'clock, Houston time. with that said no he is he is still at large is he still at large

I believe he was no okay so this is even better because because oh no he was he was arrested he was arrested Monday

oh he got arrested but the tiger is still missing no no tiger tiger is tiger is in custody as well this is this is an update for you so I'm catching you up okay but I want you to think about this he was he was

arrested Monday evening he was in a car with the tiger I want to know what what a burger he rolled up with it was like I need 20 hamburgers now because you know someone was like oh damn is that a y'all is that tiger in the window just I need 20 hamburgers okay just make it happen he had to stop he had to stop for food all right nobody in texas is going that far without stopping at a drive in somewhere get that yeah you're projecting because you went home i mean i'm projecting because i went home but also tigers got to eat man where else am i going to where else am i going to gas it up quick give that tiger hamburger where i have to ask Spencer where are you um getting your information because the most recent tweet from the

houston police 46 minutes ago reads as well you want to know ryan Victor quavus is in custody the whereabouts of the tiger are not yet known yes yes because if that's true i'm enjoying myself immensely this is this is from a this is from a this is from houston channel two okay all right how how recent was yours now this is like this is like five hours ago so so i think i think you've actually outplayed me i don't think we know where the tiger is oh man dear so to be clear where are any of this really the city of houston had to apprehend the city of houston had to ascertain the whereabouts of a tiger two monkeys and a human and they only succeeded with the human so there's still a tiger on the loose in houston and the monkeys we don't know about either an hour and fifty minutes left in the day i don't know why y'all got to hate this let me let me also state by the way it's a pretty nice tiger it might just roll up oh now we're judging okay ryan now you can go back to your original no i think i honestly man ascertaining the quality of this tiger i i sort of think this tiger is probably

pretty chill i'm going to go ahead and say that because it already went through a chase uh of some duration right yeah and it already like came basically when somebody collared it and and encouraged it to come with them um i think this pup this puppy's just out there looking for a meal man and who in texas is going to be like Well, he doesn't seem that bad. Someone. Someone's going to do this. Like, they're out there, and they're going to feed it some pizza. I'm going to be like, yeah, man, I just got a shitload of Papa John's.

Just throw it, just throwing it at this thing. It loves it. There is also, there is also apparently a video on Kuevas' Instagram account that show him playing with a baby bear and feeding it with a bottle and giving the bear kisses. All right, we got to call Donovan. Got to call our creature guy. I'm pretty sure we know somebody who knows these people. We might know the guy who has the tiger right now.

It's entirely possible. I'm chiropractor Doolittle. Happy to meet you. This is, ooh, boy. Oh, this is fantastic. Yeah, 48 minutes ago. Hey, Serber, just give us a head.

up if it turns out the tiger like killed several people okay maybe just fix it what if it did give us a heads up if the tiger turned out to do some tiger shit all right uh here we'll record this in case that happens obviously we're super sad that this tiger i'm not shit we record in real time people okay we record in real time people okay we record in real time y'all ain't watched grisly man near enough so you know i i did say that this did look like the kind of neighborhood where like i don't think it was quite it wasn't quite the you know neighborhood where somebody would have a tiger because they had uh finally bought their palatial estate after establishing a massive criminal enterprise if you if you read a tiger in

that neighborhood i would understand because you bought it because you know like if tony buzzby for instance i think this is just you can't judge a book by its cover like any of your neighbors that you don't know that well could have a tiger yeah i mean that's true they really could do you think it would do yeah do you think i mean i've been to your neighborhood ryan sure and if i had to judge which people had a tiger in your neighborhood it'd be the ones right across the street right across the street i could buy that i could buy that i could buy that Yeah. In my neighborhood could be any direction.

I just would not surprise me if somebody had a tiger. I think like unless you know someone in your neighborhood very well and have been in their house. Yeah, you kind of got to, I think the safest thing is to assume that all your neighbors have tigers and act accordingly. That's why I need a tiger. See? No, that's not really. It just takes one good. guy with a tiger okay i want to be clear you have two sons who are the most son sons ever and you

want to introduce a tiger to this equation as well i mean i really worry more about the tiger getting annoyed at my kids than i do right i mean that is that is literally what happens in the jungle book so yeah yeah the jungle book is just a story about a tiger annoyed with like a small boy a boy who's yeah I worry about the tiger being like is he going to talk about airplane crashes again and my kid's going to be like TWA 40 took off at 6.30 p.m.

It was a clear night and there were no apparent signs of trouble. He was watching bubble guppies like two weeks ago I don't know when this shift happens. I know we've got to get back on bubble guppies because if I hear one more time about like you'll look at you and be like

230 people died and only seven survived. I'll be like it is He can't see a carpenter be without crying. We got to bridge that gap somewhere. If it's any consolation, my four-year-old keeps asking me for further details on the murder of Selina. Wait, wait, wait. How did that come up? So she loves Selena.

She is aware that Selena is aware that Selena is dead. Okay. Through some unknown else other part of her life, she became aware of the word. murder I don't know if the concept really like hits home with her and one day night we were at dinner and she said she looked me right at the eye and right in the eye and she said was selina murdered and I looked at my wife and I looked back at my child and I said yes she was it felt like the right thing to do but now she just wants more info and I'm not doing that is that I was going to say like how much how come I mean I don't want to get something wrong, first of all. And it didn't feel appropriate to go get my phone at the dinner table so I could Wikipedia, the murder of Selena. And also, like, I don't think giving her further detail will help.

I think it'll just give her new things to ask about. What's it through and through, Dad? No, I don't know. Go to bed. That is the worst thing when a kid just straight. asked you about a story that does not have any possible good exit point and you just have to go no they all died sucked not seeing a downside it's like it was terrible man it's it's very very difficult to uh it's very difficult to dodge that and sometimes you just have to run right into it yeah was slena murdered yes she was

Because if I say no, I run the risk later of being like, so you believe in the conspiracy, eh? You believe that Selena was kidnapped. And I don't want to go down that road just because I didn't want to have a... Wait, no, no, no, what conspiracy? I'm just making it up right now. Oh, okay. Tell no one, except the people who listen to this. Well, I mean, all right.

Yeah, that's... I had to do the, hey, so on the Titanic, you know, like, those people who are in the water and were just like they're dead they're dead because they didn't brush their teeth look the people on the titanic have no future because they didn't brush their teeth and they froze to death but spencer your children do have a future thanks to acorns definitely the younger one that is right acorns acornsacorns dot com acorns the app acorns uh the future of investing getting a start on your financial tomorrow's acorns the easiest app in the world Just make everyday purchases, open your account.

Little roundups, little investments every single day, either directly from your bank account or using what I have on my plant, which is the Mighty Acorns debit card, which, holy crap, it's like five pounds of debit card. It's so hefty. Yeah, I don't have to carry any personal defense weaponry thanks to the Acorns card.

I can just slap people with it. Bam! Put some right into the next county. It's astonishing. This week, hey, look at that. We got $4 in roundups. That's just from like the last two days, y'all. Just little roundups that go into your investment account. Line goes up. Never goes down. My own particular portfolio. I am currently looking at, oh, look at that. We got a 4.57 growth just over the last 30 days, y'all. Really well done. I'm also on the family plan, which allows you to open your your early account for kids as you know every single week we have been going over the early accounts the discrepancy in the two accounts because my elder son faithful loyal law abiding doesn't doesn't embezzle your own no no but comparatively okay future tiger owner future tiger tell the truth he's a snitch he's a snitch yeah he's a snitch so naturally

He's the one who pointed this out to me. My younger son, hustler. Wait, did he snitch this? I didn't know that. I thought you noticed. No, he did. It makes more sense that you did not notice. I did not notice he snitched on his brother, okay?

Which I want to say that independently, without knowing the relationship between the two, I condemn it. Knowing the relationship between brothers and the lifetime of joyful antagonism that awaits them, well done. This week. I don't know. I can't support it because he's not going to do it. anything cool with this information yeah we got to we got to work on that we got to work on his extortion we have to put more points into his extortion skills no follow-through yeah his acorns dot com early account is now oh a full seven cents further behind than it was last week taking the

full i think it's $11 and 17 worth of a gap now so my younger son slowly like a gas leak just siphoning cents away from his own future account and yet even with that like absolute thievering happening he's still going to come out well ahead at the age of 21 via this hypothetical projection just with a little 25 dollar investment a week to either of their accounts um get that get the later features you can earn more money with corporate partnerships acorns.com it's got it all hey ryan we got a promo code on that we do uh we do is it cast acorns.com your your financial your financial solution for planning for spending and for teaching

your children the value of snitching probably yeah and then once you get all once you get all that straight you know what you can do you can spend your life not worrying about money you can worry about things like football fans who aren't grateful okay they can worry about things that you can't control like for me one of those Ryan and Holly is UCF UCF fans because they got blessings this week and they didn't even realize it they got um yeah homefield apparel really came through the last line of refreshes of existing schools included UCF and you can now purchase at homefield apparel a UCF citronaut shirt or hoodie those are not things you guys are do before like pretty much anywhere as best i can tell you can get the citronaut and and you can also if you

don't if you are annoyed with UCF we've got new goats at navy you can select from we've got new mules at army you can select from new mule saturday and we have perhaps most auspiciously you can choose from um two new turtles for maryland one is a turtle with his back to you but looking over his shoulder as if he is peeing on hay and wants you to get the fuck out that says fear fear the turtle and then there's another turtle who has boxing gloves it appears and uh on him it says hell in a shell this rules this unironically rules the hell in the shell and the new fear the turtle god strong yeah so strong We're up to like, I want to say maybe 30 schools that got refreshed and just a ton of good options.

Big new Saturday is coming before you know it. And when you decide to jump in the home field waters with us, use offer code fullcast. You get 20% off your first purchase and you become the citronaut and you inherit his kingdom. You know, we were talking about flesh eating horses. there's an SMU refresh where it actually does look like this horse is craving human flesh. Like, yeah, big, red, angry face

looks like it's like, give me a bite of that juicy shoulder. Just give it that. What was the horse's happening here? It is. Just a horse is a little impaired. The horse is drunk. Horse is drunk and it needs flesh. Listener, just remember that at least you at home don't have to listen to this.

They're headphones if you don't want to. That's right. I wasn't able to find really compelling SMU boosters individually who I thought were going to change the landscape of college sports as we know it by just signing potential athletes and other people to their brands. Right? I didn't like SMU doesn't have anybody who I'm like. oh that guy's the that that guys you know owns a car company and they're obviously going to give free cars but i did find that for major programs some which some of which really surprised me and i have i'm going to say a sentence that i don't think i've said in a really long time you ready

Michigan fans, I have good news for you. I think in an NLI environment, in a future where we can sign athletes to schools and give them lucrative endorsement deals, I think the Michigan Wolverines are actually going to come out way, way, way ahead. And here's why. do you know who paid for michigan's trip most of michigan's trip to rome remember when jim harbaw took the whole team to rome didn't he bring the pope like a helmet or something yeah i just think that's what jim harbaud does or something yeah right yeah he's he's like a bulldog that picks up someone's shoe to greet a stranger at the door he's just like helmet you get a helmet

yeah no so the guy who paid for that was bobby codic Bobby Kodick, you may not recognize the name. If you'll recognize the company that he is the CEO of, he is a major Michigan athletics donor and the CEO of Activision Blizzard. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, Michigan. Bobby? That's right, Bobby.

Bobby, we're going to give everyone call a duty endorsements. Custom skins. All the loot. That's it. That's it, baby. Everybody's going to, you're what? You want to get you at that. Twitch stream, Twitch stream going. You want to get that gaming career going? Wow. Because you know

what? You know what you're doing while you're sitting there? Recovering. That's right. You go to practice. Then you go play Call of Duty. And we just sign you through that. I think probably the average endorsement deal for a young Call of Duty player who's also an athlete at Michigan, 600 grand a year, $700,000? Wouldn't matter. Just pay it. And then you're a troop and you have to be respected that's right that's right and technically how michigan becomes a service academy which is secretly several michigan dad's perfect world pension pension we can just go ahead and like file you in for that nice i didn't think about that element ryan but we expanded this to quite the benefits package you know also you know like yes sure stephen ross he's like a real

estate you can't sign any people to real estate you can maybe sign them the sole cycle but also i don't know stephen ross is an investor in momofuku milk bar i don't know hi i'm jim harbaugh welcome to momofuku gonna make a diabolically simple and supple egg for you here you go but i thought michigan would do really really well because call of duty we can get everyone an endorsement as a professional gamer or is a sponsored gamer and that's going to like we're going to flip the big 10 baby Ohio state can't compete it's not even close because Ohio State just has bath and body works I know like oh man Les Wexner you know he owns Abercrombie they don't care I'm winning the full cast stonks challenge off of that you are

go off idiot I don't think we could just give them stock you know Why? Why? I mean, I guess you could as an endorser. I was just telling you not to be dismissive of LBrands, because I'm apparently winning this shindig. I think you're up like thousands of percent at this point. If we'd actually put real money into this instead of imaginary pennies. Yeah, L Brands is doing great. Yeah, I think you're, I think you've underestimated the Buckeyes.

again tell everyone tell everyone in columbus i did it you're like he was talking about the books but then he actually had to talk about him also there's a there's a world where lotion becomes our primary form of currency so that's kind of what i was thinking when i leaned into the bath and body works of it all first you get the lotion Just some Mad Max movie that starts with a voiceover about lotion. Walk away from the lotion, and you will live. Just a fucking gas tanker truck full of scented lotion. Make him smooth!

There we are. So there you go. I thought Michigan would do. really well i think bama's in trouble by the way because bama doesn't have a whole lot of sexy offers in terms of endorsement deals like i don't think players really want to endorse a dog track you don't i mean no i don't think it's going to compete with call of duty bama still gets its share of country boys on that team yeah i think there's people who are like in better positions to compete for that though because like like are like our

right for instance iowa state iowa state's main booster is i'm going to say this the wrong way but there's really no other way to say it the suck up family um which i'm saying wrong sorry iowa state i'm disrespecting ames culture here forgive me uh the suck up family they build uh they made a fortune uh constructing agricultural storage buildings like big silos and things i'm like oh every every every offensive lineman's like well it is a nice silo could use one of those out on the farm yeah sure yeah yeah this may be already happening by the way i feel like matt campbell you're like man how's matt campbell getting all these country ass linemen who are four and five stars to ames aluminum sheds baby really nice storage

buildings it's a fantastic pitch for a lineman but bama's just got you know like banking and coal and like a bunch of really like a port like it's going to be very hard to sell some kind of endorsement of a port although i really would like to see like hi i'm reggland and i'm here to endorse the port of mobile please give me $600,000 did you know bernie madeoff went to alabama for a year yes i didn't know that which you're like what what was the thing that turned him you're like a year in alabama oh fucking i'm going to do crimes when did this promising young man give up on humanity oh fuck this time to do crimes yay alabama crimson crimes yeah that's that he's always claimed in that too i'm sure there's some auburn fan who every time bernie made off is taken off the like attended or alumni list on wikipedia

is alerted and dives right back in. Just bougham. Not today. Got it. Like Milton McGregor, who was like the sketchy guy who was like the Alabama Slots King, like the guy who had a racetrack that was just scandal ridden and went under several times. Victory Land. Milt McGregor.

Man, Milton McGregor gave money, I think, to both universities, to both Alabama and to Auburn. and like the hot potato between people throwing that around on Wikipedia like a frequent contributor to Auburn strike Alabama strike Auburn and Alabama strike strike strike strike I'm sure there's just one of these unending Wikipedia correction wars over passing the buck on that dude speaking of Auburn by the way it's very hard to come up with a more like split personality for major

donors and people are going to throw money around at Auburn because on one side you have Jimmy Rain. Jimmy Rain. The yellow fella himself. Yeah, the yellow fella himself. Whose fucking like lumber prices being what they are.

Jimmy Ray might be the richest man in the world right now. He's almost certainly, he already was the richest man in Alabama, and that has only gotten more true. Yeah, he should just sell all of his wood right now. What'd you do? Not the yellow fellow anymore. It's all.

I'm out of wood. We're done. One last job. This would be if you could steal all the lumber from Jimmy Rain right now. Oh, my God. In an Ocean's 11 style heist, but with a southern kick. That's what I want. Yeah.

You know, where we all pose in white on the beach afterwards to celebrate, right? Now let's go. Now let's go. Just the giant fucking pallet of. stolen wood you're going to carry it out for me just said the yellow fellow crying in his yellow hat which he wears all the time right like in my mind he never changes out of the western wear that he has in those ads

Tim Cook Tim Cook is on the other side though when you're like okay who's another Auburn guy Tim Cook it's like the opposite of Jimmy Rain like the The head of Apple is on the other side. Which, again, Apple's still like, they're like, I don't know. Auburn football players don't really have the Apple aesthetic. Because remember, I always say that Auburn leads the league in fatness. So Apple prefers thin. They're not stylish.

Would Joni I have approved the design of any Auburn football player? No, too bulky. All of them far too bulky. So they can't do any. They can't. Auburn's in trouble in NLI. They're going to need to attract a type of. booster who's going to be a much flashier much more people friendly right or we just going to be

selling yellowwood which at current prices maybe that's the move i didn't think about this though that we always say that like clemson recruits like oh man clemson is clemson's all about like like channeling money through uh hmm interesting and innovative ways right community based aid Is that what we would call it? Yeah, that seems fine. Yeah. When I realized that their facility is named after the Reeves family, and the Reeves family, they made their money in luxury autos in Florida.

Which, yikes, y'all. If you wanted to go, man, who's involved in some risque business? I'm like, luxury autos in Florida. surely something untouched by those looking to commit insurance fraud it's got to be careful so yeah not just that smuggling like

any there's a lot there's a whole host of opportunities here money laundering flaunting the profits of your fraud like whatever how far can you get down the road with a tiger in this thing huh Well, we offer that test drive.

Yeah. Why don't you get in the driver's seat there? We'll just load Cecil right in next to you. Go right on down Dale Mabry for five miles and turn around. I know it ain't a family car, but do you think this Bugatti Varon could just keep like a large cat? How large? You know, about 600 pounds. You know, I need to keep it at 180 at least with the 600 pound tiger.

I think I can do that. But yeah, like I didn't realize that Clemson. again like clemson somehow just seems completely primed to succeed because yeah i can get you to endorse a luxury auto empire if you're a 19 year old football recruit yeah absolutely i don't even have to bust out the super nice cars it can be like right here's this dodge challenger you can take that seems to work for alabana um i did also look up and realize They're rentals, Ryan. Completely above board.

Yeah. Yeah, that sucks. So, Texas. Texas, I looked up and their biggest booster is still pretty much Red McCombs, who, I did not know Red McCombs was one of the founders of Clear Channel media, which is now I-Heart Media. And then I thought, well, It's a psychotic name for a company.

This is insane name. It's up there with Palantir. What could go wrong? And cars. And then I realized like, oh, everybody, he'd just be setting everybody up with their own podcasts. Redmond Combs is 93. Like, if NLI doesn't get hurrying the fuck up,

Redmond Combs is not going to be given anybody an endorsement deal. Counterpoint, what makes you think Redmond? combs and his meddling ass are ever going to die that's true oh he's gonna enter the radio and that's where his consciousness will live like toby jones in the winter soldier movie yeah yeah yeah yeah he'll just just live in there like the wear car just a haunted a haunted vehicle red going use the break too much can't answer this thing down the road oh that tiger shit on me yeah but what listen you want to hear real purr and listen to this engine buddy get you right off the lot for just 180 a week the good news is um you know when you think of programs that are starved for resources

and that's the missing piece texas definitely jumps right to the top of that list so this will fix the money will fix the problems daddy more money they're they're star for resources and terms of players this fair and coaches yeah you know we always talk about like texas a and m being like closet nerds like people who are way smarter than you think they were way nerdier than you think they would be like their curse extends here too because like texas a nm's biggest booster or one of them is big their biggest boosters and he's a guy who runs like if i explain to you why he was rich it's just basically like they do science stuff for petrochemical companies that's it Monty Davis helps figure that out

and Monty Davis made a ton of money he's retired but like Monty Davis stocked he's the guy who stocked a lot of the Texas A&M booster crew himself like a lot of people tied into core labs all over the Texas A&M booster core and

there's nothing cool there's nothing cool to offer them because like they do technical work you have to explain things that doesn't make like a really good endorsement so they're stuck oh but they do of Jimbo Fisher for 10 years. So remember, just like the Longhorns,

not a rival, no similarities. Money will fix everything. Totally fix everything. 75 mil. You go do your nerd stuff. Just make sure the checks don't bounce money. Well, Jimbo's going to have to get out of here. You know, okay, why isn't Arkansas better at cheating?

Arkansas? Yeah, why aren't they better at cheating? mean better like well with nal i coming up i'm not sure exactly how jerry jones going to work this in but who could like if arkansas really wanted to be good in terms of this is not this is not complicated at all like all cheating institutional cheating is like organized crime right yeah and organized crime relies on everybody being on the same page that if somebody steps out their consequences for that and everybody sort of respects a hierarchy and follows like a set of marching orders that's not going to fucking happen at

Arkansas are you kidding me I would also on a very basic level point to this is a population density problem yeah yeah I mean that's obviously their biggest problem but then there's the problem of how are we going to cheat because if Jerry Jones is in the room just like cash is going to find its way in it's going to make it happen but then you have various like members of the Walton family who were also super involved in that but I found out they give a lot to Missouri too which if you if you want to know like money thrown down a hole it's given to Missouri athletics wow they don't win anything they won two SEC East titles it's like I said I don't feel like we can prove that happened anymore that was a long time ago yeah I think this is a

Shazam effect thing I think those were movies that you're only remembering in your mind that never happened okay i'll buy i'll buy it honestly yeah this is also if you wonder like other schools that are going to struggle i mean tennessee and kentucky it's like real dearth of like cool endorsement ready kind of boosters like kentucky's biggest guy is joe craft who owns a massive coal company like endorse coal the fuel of the future work with us and as a bonus will give you a sack of coal this place sucks i'm going to wake forest uh the one that i did like though that is a possible competitor to to kansas to iowa state is kansas state because one of their big donors uh is the veneer family

jack veneer who built his empire on what beef oh yeah that's a good that's that's a natural yeah we've become we've become america's weightiest team thanks to our innovative beef endorsement program they also have the um the president and CEO of boeing defense went to kansas state so now you can do space beef is what i'm saying so do you want to eat a steak in space yeah yeah could do good would you would you like to with so it's it's also like any military planes right do you want to eat do you want to eat steak in a c5 galaxy yes i do do you want to shoot down the enemy with steak yeah i'll tell you what once once a year do you know it's legal shoot down any hot air balloons in the skies in kansas we passed that law

yes okay is it a Kansas state player is it a set day or is it just like could strike it anytime okay who knows yeah none none shall know the hour the purge less hunting season yeah it's just a bad day of being a balloon brother it's your numbers up today you're the balloon boy we all float up here the last one I had though which if I like this will surprise no one there are several donors to south carolina athletics but one is joe rice it actually does surprise me that there are several donors to south carolina athletics it did kind of surprise me it's like of note right the the guy who is the head of uh one of the founders of motley rice attorneys at law big class action lawsuits uh if you have seen a an ad talking about mesothelioma on your

Rice. Looking for you. Yeah, that's a big donor, Joe Rice, who hung out with, among other people. Steve Sparrier, like Spirier used to travel on Joe Rice's plane. Joe Rice's big donor. And I'm like, man, I bet kids, like, you could get recruits. Not every recruit, but like, if they were like, hey, do you want to do the pitch for the mesothelioma ad that comes on at like two in the morning? Hell yes. Hi, I'm Stephen Garcia. thinking that if you were a loved one been affected by mesothelioma

you may be eligible you could sell that that's a good Aussie punter corner like I don't Mesothelioma Gotta touch the feelings do you

mottley rice Motley rice already sounds either like a an Aussie rules legend or b an australian dish that you'd rather not know the ingredients up correct correct yeah that's that's that's the big cell here this is this you're right the um See, the ingredient is cobra.