Shutdown Fullcast - Be Someone's Emotional Support Monkey Today

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

To celebrate the advent of November and crunch time in college football, we spend all but thirty seconds of this episode discussing the trials and tribulations of owning and properly caring for an emotional support monkey.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

POMAYOR. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, Emotional Support Monkey. Joining me is Emotional Support Monkey Jason Kirk. Hello? So do emotional support monkeys themselves have emotional support monkeys? I mean, I feel that is how it works in the wild,

but I'm not sure if we have officially classified that via federal statute or what have you. Jason, I'm so glad you asked, this is why there are so many different sizes of monkeys. Yeah, you might need more emotional support in the form of a larger... Russian nesting monkeys. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Monkyoshka is, I believe, what they're called. Yes. The third member of this emotional support barrel of monkey. Ryan Nanny, Ryan, joining us from Nashville. How are you being emotionally supported today? I'm not. No little... Let's get a monkey.

We have to deploy. I have my green tea, but I haven't seen a monkey. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw a monkey in person. It's been a minute. What was the last time I saw a monkey in person? There were not any at Yukon, Vanderbilt. No. Not as far as I know, no.

I think the last zoo, no, I've been to the Nashville Zoo. That was like two Christmases ago. Yeah, it's been a while. I guess when is the last time you saw, have you ever seen a surprise monkey? Yes, I have. That would be last year on the Beltline in Atlanta. Somebody had like a macaque. Was it on a skateboard?

It was sadly not on a skateboard. It was not performing any classic cartoon pet monkey behavior. I'm trying to review. Maybe it was new. I'm trying to review the things I've seen. I've seen a rabbit just out hanging out on someone's lap in the subway, live fish in a bag. Sure. A lot of birds on shoulders.

We have a surprise pig in our neighborhood. We did get a surprise pig. I mean, we still have a surprise pig. It lives here. It's, it is, there is a free range pig in our neighborhood that coexists somewhat improbably with a number of free range pit bulls. I think pigs are those. Yeah. No, that's fair.

Jason, what was the, did we ever get a. Have we had this year an update from your daughter on her taxonomy of animals and what categories they fall under? I think pigs would definitely be considered dogs, especially now that she's vegetarian. I think all animals are dogs in her mind. So, yeah. And pigs are really good pets. Emily had a pet pig as a teenager. So pigs are definitely high on the dog list in our household.

Pigs are super smart. They're very clean. I support them. Yeah, they're nice. I would very much like to be one of those. somewhat problematic Instagram T-cut pig owners who puts them in tiny pairs of rain boots

and sailor suits and paints their toenails and stuff. That feels torturous to a pig. They love getting sloppy and playing in puddles and stuff. But they're naturally very clean, though. Yeah, and they like to... They fluff their straw and make their beds. They like to flaunt their cleanliness by first getting as messy as possible, though.

That's how clean they are. They have to stunt on everyone else. Be like, look. Look at what I can recover from. The degree of difficulty cleanliness. Maybe that's what was happening at Jeff Adams' house. He was flaunting his clumbliness by getting things as messy as possible. Maybe.

Who's Jeff Adams? Well, first of all, I have one last person introduced. I was going to say, if you could make a new kind of emotional support animal, Holly Anderson, the fourth member of this emotional support animal hive, if you could make your own emotional support animal, any species were open, I'm going to say that this definitely would be a, like, if you do this, I'm not going to stick to the tedium of the animal being responsible, right? Like, I'm not, or irresponsible. I'm not going to be realistic. I'm not going to say, like, oh, you can't have an emotional support tarantula.

No, I'm talking about a sentient, very emotionally intelligent tarantula that's able to comfort you and provide advice. If you want a blue whale, you can have that. If you wanted a horde of locusts, that was your emotional support horde of locusts. I would let you have one. So what would you choose? Now, as much as I love the idea of an emotional support tarantula, if you've never met a tarantula in person, they're very cuddly.

They're little spiders covered in fur. If you own a cat, I'm happy to tell you, you own half a tarantula. That's basically what they're like. If you have two cats, you have a whole one. You know what I'm going to say, as far as my selection for emotional support animal. It's already propped up on my shoulder.

I'm already stroking its scales. because what is an emotional support animal for but to attend to your specific emotional needs? And my specific emotional needs involve violence a lot of the time. So this is Hephaestis, my emotional support Komodo dragon. We're very happy. Please do not put your fingers near his mouth. He's a very good boy. That's a damn strong suggestion.

I don't really Like the best way I think for us to approach this is yes Who is Jeff Banks Who are we talking about? Why are we discussing monkeys? Let's let's first let's Oh man this is this is gawky as hell

Spencer Mm-hmm Is it possible to Is it possible for us to figure out Which one of us found out first Because I think you probably found out last Because you were filming That's right

That's right Thinking out loud Monday nights at 7th p.m. on the SEC network. Because the initial tweet that set this whole thing off came out at 658 p.m. Eastern time. I was in a class that started at 7 p.m. and let out at 10 p.m. So I get like eight texts that all have some variation of, ah, monkey! Yep, same. I came out of class and my phone was at like 12% because of all the notifications. I will say in the middle of a, in the middle of a pandemic, it is always terrifying to look down and see ah monkey on your phone

as if somebody has finally done the outbreak monkey scenario where they get to the CDC get infected with like super monkey pox and then go out and destroy the world I just feel like we're not that interesting as a species to be able to pull that off this entire story is a counterpoint to that suggestion Jason where were you when you first heard

the siren song of Monkey Gate um i'm actually reviewing my timeline just to be a you know i want to take this forensic exercise very seriously please i feel like i saw the initial rumor type tweet um i would love to credit the account apparently one of our finest journalists uh but i i feel like an a and m fan was on it first uh just it was very very rumory and i feel like i saw that and thought okay this is college football so it could be real um but didn't make much of it and then i went for a i went for a walk for a couple hours and I was listening to music and came back and I had like a very sincere tweet about it

and then saw like, oh, okay, read the room. We're not doing sincere tonight online and saw like cascades of monkey jokes and then caught up. And yeah, so it was well into it for me that I found out. And that was a pretty nice place to jump in. To jump in like after everyone was already at full boil rather than seeing it cresting

and like seeing people piece. things together. It was, it was very fun, like, um, jumping in after, because like, I guess the, the, you know, being, like, actually in college football media for a while, like, I kind of am used to, like, I remember, like, when Nantiteo and that news dropped, it was, like, instant hush and, like, you know, right there at the ground floor level of the news coming out and, like, being the person watching others find out, this was the complete opposite. Like, I was the, um, person walking in the door with the pizza as the room was on file. This wave pool is already in motion.

Do you know what I really like about this story? It is that normally I would be protesting vehemently at the affixing of the suffix gate to any random scandal. But there was a gate involved. There's literally a gate involved. Just this once we're going to

just this once we're going to have a good old gate time. Ryan, where were you when you heard monkey news? I was sitting in my living room, probably waiting for my kid to go to sleep. Caroline Darnie sent a DM to Floyd and me. That was just a link to, I think it was this A&M person that Jason mentioned. Let me find it.

Yeah, Tom Campbell. And this is what the original thing said. I'm hearing a report from a credible source that Texas Longhorn Special Team Coach Jeff Banks his monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young trick or treater last night on Halloween the monkey's jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child there are several parts of that that I don't think have subsequently I don't think it's subsequently gone that way first of all I don't know I don't know that this kid is seriously hurt at least there hasn't been any strong indication of that right it also does not appear to have been of

as monkey. Which is where the story really took a turn. That's, yes. So, so, so it started, it started in what I would call slightly unusual place. Because if you told me there's a staffer on, on the, on the Texas football coaching staff who has a pet monkey, I'd be like, sure, all of this tracks. Texas is next to Louisiana. This is fine. Yeah.

And also just like, you know, coaching can be a lonely knife of life. Sometimes you need companionship. I mean, I was raised like on the idea that people who worked very long jobs with very long hours always had exotic pets because there were shows where truckers had apes. Whole movies were truckers. Clint Eastwood has a whole movie about it. Truckers and orangutans. Apparently soulmates, just something that I think we need more of. Fist fighting soulmates, by the way.

This was an orangutan who could throw a left hook. Well, that's the only way Clint Eastwood shows love. Yeah, yeah, that was it. That was actually how they met, right? They fought each other. They respected each other so much that they took their grit on the road together. So, yeah, so I started out from the place of, okay, Jeff Banks, you know, needs companionship, decided to get it from a monkey.

I get that even though it's not my choice, whatever. Jeff Banks did need companionship, but it wasn't the monkey that was providing it. it turned out no no that would be apparently the monkey belongs to his partner his partner um is

let's see Danielle Thomas we can't get all the information from her anymore because she's tragically deleted her Twitter account because Danielle Thomas under the Twitter account at Danny underscore and J.B

you don't have to look for it don't bother looking because that shit is No bother looking for it. It's gone. It's gone. You can find an entire summary of this. Handily put together by Alex McDaniel on for the win. It's the partner of Texas Special Teams coordinator, Jeff Banks, and went on to detail all of the things that she had done as precautions because this is a registered emotional support animal.

All of her shots saying that, yeah, she had a haunted house. This is a lady monkey? Let's see if we have a gender A schmunky? Yes, yes, this is a schmunky. I've never heard that term and I don't know if I ever want to say it again. But yes.

Could we go, could we go monkey? Perhaps. Monkis? Mamkey. Mamkey. There we go. That's it. Yes.

It's important to show respect. This is where in a brief but unsurprising, disappointing detour, the story completely lost contained because this woman apparently is an exotic dancer and if there's one thing that Texas football fans do not understand it is

people who work for a living so I understand that I understand that much of Texas found this hysterical at the thought of anyone earning wages and tips to support

themselves. Oh, this lady got a job! And also there is footage of her being accompanied an athlete, not something they're comfortable with at the University of Texas. Now, now there is, her profession does play into the story, though. Yes, because the monkey is part of the act.

Correct. The monkey has been part of the act, which I will say, takes it a step beyond. Which, once again, if you are, listen, we're not going to, we're not going to get into the, we're not going to get into the the economics of this too much, but what would you rather

tell your family you were doing this holiday season. Do you want to tell them, hey, my stage's name is pole assassin. You may have heard of me. I am pole dancing is hard, by the way. Very hard. I think that a lot of a lot of football teams this year could learn a lot from this woman in terms of core strength, in terms of flexibility, in terms of endurance. But would you rather tell your parents that you were performing in the creative arts, getting to work with animals. Or would you rather tell them that you were part of the Texas football staff? Yeah, she's not the one who lost to Baylor despite having a 10-point lead.

Yeah, saying, you didn't lose to what Barry Switzer called them church schools this past weekend. Anyways, sorry to detour, but yeah, come on, y'all. And yes, as Holly mentioned, just to emphasize her stage name is, of course. poll assassin. Love it. And she apparently had already been in the news because Jerry Springer already declared her the greatest poll dancer he'd ever had on his show, which is an incredible honor. I have to imagine.

That is a strong pool. Like if Jerry says the goat, I'm like, she might be. So how'd you two meet? So Jeff Banks, um, his lineage his coaching tree lineage uh his boy it's something thank you jason it's uh it's relevant here because uh his his mentor of course would be mike price um um spencer i feel like you're the best person to explain why this is relevant we've we've got some young folks yeah yeah yeah let me go ahead and take you back mike price who was a Alex johnson Richard kersner uh pull up a chair

yeah because we're about to actually we're about to actually with says are our imaginary young listeners. We're about to set a couple of things straight here, okay, because there's a couple of misconceptions about the Mike Price story. Mike Price is a former head football coach, was pretty successful at Washington State, got them to the Rose Bowl, which if you think, by the way, if you're like, hey, man, Wazoo's been terrible forever. And you go, not true. They actually did go to a Rose Bowl. The coach who took them there was Mike Price and was responsible for. Long chain of good quarterbacks, including Ryan Leaf, Drew Bledsoe. So yeah, they had some slangers out there.

In addition to that, by the way, Mike Price, known for being, Mike Price is, by the way, the coolest. Like, he's known for just being kind of out of pocket and, like, real casual about organization, play calling. He actually had, this is a Matt Hayes story, but Matt, he would tell this to you. Matt Hayes, longtime college football reporter, told me this story that he covered him. And he did like a sideline profile where, imagine this in this day and age.

He had him right there on the sideline with him for a whole game. And at one point in the middle of like the third quarter, he looks over at Hayes and goes, hey, remind me to run the ball. Like just told him, hey, I should run the ball. That's so much better than the version of the story that I heard, which was just that he let him call a play. He did let him call a play too.

Okay. Yeah. Wait, was this in the same game? Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. You want to spin one? Call it up. buddy yeah Mike Price rule but that's not why people are bringing up Mike

price right that that's that sets the stage a little bit so to it does so after success at Washington State I also need you to get this out of your mind that Alabama has been a world beater forever no they were quite troubled and they needed a new head coach because in this in 2002 Dennis Franchone who was the head coach at Alabama left he just left for the Texas A&M gig just took it because he didn't want

So you're saying there's precedent I'm saying it's happened I think you're underselling that somehow because he didn't just leave Alabama offered him a 10 year contract and he left Twitter wasn't around then but youngsters

you really cannot oversell the cataclysm that this set off in talk radio and in these things that we used to call newspapers which is like a blog that you can throw away Yeah. So they basically, Dennis Franchone in Alabama, Alabama said, hey, I'm really into you. Let's do this. And Dennis Franchone was like, curtains, babe. Catch these taillights. I'm going to a real job, Texas A&M. I think one other thing to mention for the younger listeners at this point, Bama wasn't Bama at the time. They'd been sort of a fading power for like 15 years, kind of like Florida. That's, I think that's the modern corollary. I thought we all agreed that that wasn't a thing, but go ahead.

Yeah, no, I didn't violate that and you didn't violate that. I'm allowed to say the word for. Jason is allowed to because Jason knows where the guardrails are and can navigate accordingly. I've appointed myself arbiter. Holly, the story we're talking about is about people who thought they knew where the guardrails were and then a kid got bit. So let's just see how this goes. You know who else didn't know where the guardrails were? That's right.

so he goes and coaches he takes the deal my price should have had guard reels so and then mike price is offered the job at alabama then what and then he gets to tuscaloosa spends the spring there doing practice and a sports illustrated piece by don yager comes out and in that piece mike price is portrayed as visiting strip clubs and not only visiting strip clubs This is still, by the way, in the vault. Like, you can still read this article, even though you'll see it costs them a lot. Strip club visitation then being portrayed as a bad thing because Atlanta was not prominent enough

on the national sports scene at the time. And in this article, by the way, it is shown that, or there are stories told that Mike Price, lost his credit card at a strip club that he was drunk and misbehaving at a golf tournament by the way I don't think that's possible

in the state of Alabama Georgia Mississippi several other southeastern states oh he wasn't in the golf tournament was in Pensacola oh god that's definitely not possible as misbehaving in that scenario broke Pensacola law like did he

set off a nuke or something I think it's when you eat something with a fork. I think it's he showed up in a shirt with buttons. Yeah. The problem with this story, which is essentially the story itself is like a, hey, this guy didn't fit in here story.

I love the scrupulous legality Spencer is applying here, but there is a reason. There's a reason. Every other episode of this show, Spencer's like, what is it? Week 4? We're like, the season is over. But this story, he's going to fucking nail it. I love it.

There's a reason. Because we'll get sued out of existence, sir. Yeah, listen, if you see a man tiptoeing in a field, right? That's because there's landmines in it. That's what I am doing. Coach, can reach us at Matt Iglesias? There are accounts. Noted free speech advocate.

There are accounts in this story of Mike Price, getting lap dances at strip clubs. Which that's what strip clubs are for. Being super drunk, right? Asking strippers to a hotel. being at a hotel and then asking strippers to a hotel like it's fucking homecoming will you a hotel with him

yeah and then you look sleepy did Mike Price invent the promposal no but he did invent screaming roll tide during sex according to his article that's got to be like a century old that's come on right

and Wallace Wade invented that. Don Yeager's words. Yeah, there's a reason Mal Moore called it Come Back sauce. Nothing. That is such a narrow joke that I'm not even going to... Sorry.

I think I sprained something. I'm going to be quiet now. I'm just picturing Bama barbecue sauce. Anyway, continue, Spencer. So anyway, this article... This article comes out after Mike Price is fired at Alabama. This is 20 years ago.

To give everybody context here. This is when Jeff Banks is like just out of college basically yeah he'd been a punter for yeah he'd been a punter at wazoo under price and now is sort of a I'm trying not to say up and coming coach but those are the words so price price responded to this article okay by suing Sports Illustrated for 20 million dollars 20 mil right saying that he was defamed and slandered by this story and detailing his actions the night he visited a topless bar in Pensacola, Florida. He acknowledged being drunk, but he denied allegations of three-way sex at his hotel.

I would go ahead and say this. They always, they did have problems finishing the drill that year. Mike Price is the first man to take legal action over somebody being like, you pulled up a threesome and he's like, get my attorney. I could never do that Beyond my capabilities We don't run the triple here at Bama Yeah Oh

Take that shit to Statesboro No they're gonna hire fucking Clay Hilton Do you see that? Yeah What in the fucking world is happening That's the rumor Wait wait wait wait wait in real life right now I don't think it's a rumor

I think it's like nearly official Like Godfrey even said like they're interested to Clay Hilton Like how are we gonna know for sure The latest thing I've seen is that they have agreed to a deal. It's not a like, maybe this will happen, but like... Oh, God. Now, that happened to...

There's all kinds of shit we're out of control. There's folks, there's too much news. So Mike Price goes and takes the U-TEP job after that. The suit takes about three years, three and a half years to unwind. And is deeply entertaining while doing so. Yeah. And he wins

a settlement against S.I. One that cost them a lot of money. Fortunately, SI never did anything like that again.

That is correct. So if you want the full background on awesome Mike Price the story is still up. The story is still up. It's inaccurate according to a civil court.

But it will not log off. Yeah, it will not log off. It is still somehow there and I'm sure Mike Price can dry his tears of hurt by taking $100 bills

and rubbing them on his ruddy cheeks. Please do. Here's a quote from Mike Price, 2018AL.com. Mike Price on Banks, the hero of our story, or at least the person who is the partner of the woman

who has the hero of our story. Mike Price on Jeff Banks. He's got flair. He's a real aggressive guy, a 100%er. He's a workaholic, and yet he's fun to be around. And I take Mike Price's word on that.

And I think the situation confirms Mike Price tells the truth as far as how fun Jeff Banks is to be around. Relationships are complicated, I think is. Relationships are endlessly complicated. Anyway, why did we bring up Mike Price again? To get us back to Jeff Banks, the special teams coach. No other reason? No, no other reason. None.

Well, because we haven't established track record, recommendation a glowing endorsement of Jeff Banks as a fun guy by none other than Mike Price himself who yeah I would say by the way independence of any SI story about his adventures in Pensacola that may or may not have happened we have evidence we have evidence the worst Indiana Jones movie possible yeah folks when you hear Godfrey wax poetic about his favorite drink this is actually what it's named after The treasure is at Alvin's Island. It's a place called Alvin's Island.

Do we need a boat? No, it's got a parking lot. It's got rubber snakes. Do we need a boat? Yeah, do we need a boat? Yes. Like lethal weapon style, do we need a boat? So this gets us back to the report from yes.

Betty made the most disgusted noise at that joke. She should have. God, come on. I want to point out two football-specific incidents involving, So Banks, Texas's special teams coach, was previously Alabama's special teams coach, which the only struggle-prone part of the Alabama football program. Not necessarily his fault, but, you know, the kicking situation has been bad for years. listeners might recall the Alabama Clemson title game the fake field goal that all of us rejoice to in real time

this would have been Jeff Banks lead unit I don't know if he called it or not but let's just go ahead and add that to this story also as friend of the program Josh Black was quick to point out Jeff Banks has also overseen a poll assassination of his own when the 2019 I believe Iron Bowl was decided by a field goal clanging off and upright thereby Bama's football assassinating the pole

handing the victory to Auburn. So Jeff Banks has a track record here. I'm just seeing a man here who surrounds himself with the ability to move goalposts. He also, so what's also interesting is I don't know why all of the stories

focused on him being the special teams coach because he's also the tight ends coach, which is just perfect. And he's the assistant head coach. But as the special teams coach, his job is insanely easy because the same player at Texas kicks vehicles,

handles kickoffs, and punts. He's basically a tutor. To one person, to Camer Dicker. And that guy's last name is what? Dicker. Yeah. Dicker in like... He's a tutor in the old-fashioned British sense.

He's like a governess. This is also where I should let you know and we don't have to stay on this. that there is a freshman kicker on the Texas roster whose name is Bert Auburn. No. That's it. That's all.

That's fake. And it's sister, Siena. Bert Auburn. How did they let him go? How did Auburn? I don't know. They have to. I don't know.

He is from Flower Mountain, Texas. That man's 58 years old. There are no birds. We don't make Bert's anymore. We don't make Bert's or Gary's anymore. Gary Auburn. So, like, Jeff, Jeff Banks. does not there's not that much he has to like what is he doing i think we know what he's recruiting

recruiting that's that's what he's that's when you see somebody with like five different job titles recruiting well also you can maybe start to understand why in the you know relentless punishing schedule of power five football he found the time to develop a hobby yes which hub which of these is his hobby at this point I'm going to appreciating the arts for one thing secondly secondly enjoying

yeah and enjoying our friends in the animal kingdom so this leads this leads me to a question support of the creative arts the the trick or treat sorry we're making jokes here but for real if you're calling his partner a stripper like it's a bad thing you're a piece of shit okay let's keep going yeah again real job

the unlike some people So it seems like the trick-or-treater encountered the monkey in question as part of, or as a diversion from a Halloween maze that was set up at their home? Based on the video, I'm not sure if it was meant to be a maze because she filmed going through the backyard indicating, at least from her perspective, that it was meant to be closed off with several barriers to entry that a child would have had to intentionally trespass beyond. Oh, I haven't seen the video. So, yes. She deleted it, but a few people grabbed it. Yeah, to back up, Danielle Banks on her account, posted numerous tweets, detailing the care that she takes in managing her emotional support monkey,

and then took a video leading. I do not know the monkey's name. I've only seen it referred to as baby, which is a great name for a monkey. It may be Lila. Sure. But. After the. A pet monkey name.

knobby rich girl in Sweet Valley High. Better, Gia. Gia is... Ah, yeah, yeah, right? Ah. So, Gia, she... Danielle took video, including Gia's habitat, like, Gia's very large cage, which, by the way, had a sign on it that was, like, labeled emotional support monkey, like, on the cage.

Would you say sign? Are we talking? Engraved? Right, yeah. It looked like blue crayola marker. It kind of looked like she saw this happening and went and made the sign and put it on the cage. Correct. Correct. Was like, before I go film this, I'm going to put this sign up.

Smart. Smart. Yeah. Not only am I a, not only am I a dancer and not only am I out here supporting the kids for Halloween, but I have also had training as a paralegal. I'm my own lawyer now. Look at me. Also, the sign, the contrast with like, you know, really nice backyard to success. people and then the backyard is it very much looks like made 30 seconds ago thank you for

pointing that out jason that actually the signs like ramshackleness contrasted greatly with i was like damn you got a nice spot this is a really nice this is a nice little thing you got to here and the monkeys the monkey's habitat is big like the monkey is treated like a star it's a tiny monkey with quite a huge enclosure i don't know what the actual story was but like i mean i kind of think the kid had to be putting in some effort here. I don't want to judge the kid at all, but, you know, kids do things and things happen. But here's the thing. The monkey had a lot of space is what I'm saying. Here's the problem. If you're talking about, I had some kids over for a pool party or some shit, fine. I get what you're saying. But you created a Halloween maze, which is supposed to be spooky and scary and

full of things that like, you're not like, in no other circumstance are you like, go ahead, open this coffin. But if you're in a haunted house or some shit, it's like, yeah, it's fine. So why would somebody's seeing like this clearly handwritten bullshit danger monkey attack sign and be like oh well that one's real that's the one that I should pay attention to are you sure it was a maze

that's what she said oh okay yeah there's a like there's a bowl of peeled grapes like this is the dead man's eyeball and then there's a sign that says this is the dead man's emotional support monkey yeah right right whereas if you just came over to my house for Thanksgiving and found a cooler that said

biohazard and opened it yeah that is on you, but on Halloween, that's my fault. So Halloween is the purge for monkeys. Oh. Sure. It is now. I mean, how do you, how do you put up a sign that says, no, seriously,

I know it's Halloween, but this sign is legit. Is that the hoops you have to jump through here? I guess my argument there would be, even if you did, this is a child we're talking about. That kid's not going to pay attention to signage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, if I would simply not, I mean, high voltage signs don't keep out children. If I had a monkey living in my house, I would feel that that was enough excitement. And I would simply put out a bowl of candy that said, take one. I would draw that line and move on. What if this, I think the only way to keep kids away from the monkey would be to put up a sign that says, like, lots of homework back here, right? Or like, danger, beware, we're doing chores. this way. Yeah, granola barrage.

Halloween raisins take five. No Wi-Fi past this point. No Fortnite dances. Yeah, yeah. No Roblox. No Roblox past this line. Oh, that is spooky. Yeah.

Abandon all Minecraft. You who interview. Yeah, there's just, there's just very little about these two. This way, Minecraft. That way, Minecraft. I just, I need to see more before you can, before you can be like, well, maybe this child was making poor decisions. It's Halloween.

All it is is children making poor decisions. I don't know necessarily about poor decisions. I don't want to judge the child. I'm just saying the monkey was clearly agitated to such a degree that it didn't just retire to the other like corridor of its huge enclosure. It felt agitated enough to, you know, evidently to attack the child from across a great distance. Let us also, let's step back a little bit here. This has all happened within a week, week and a half of Texas Tech firing its coach in the middle of the season. TCU, having Gary Patterson stepped down after, what, like 22 years?

Florida is doing its own thing. I'm not talking about it, but it is happening. Like there was plenty going on in the college football universe to talk about that was interesting, that was disastrous, that was frustrating, whatever. And as usual, Texas has to show off. And boy, have they ever. So, you know what this means? By the time this episode posts, I can't even imagine what stunt the Aggies are going to pull.

Y'all better talk about us instead. This is my emotional support helicopter? Look at this. I put a rabid giraffe in a kids hospital. Look at me. Rapid giraffe. It sounds horrifying, but also kind of easy to avoid, I guess, in a way. Yeah.

Yeah. You just sort of like sidestep it, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. It's very uncomfortable. Yeah. Just stand directly in front of it.

He tried to bite me, but I'm very short. Please do that voice all the time. Okay. People are just going to be like, there's something really upsetting about that. Oh, that's the classic giraffe avoider kid. Yeah.

The only other thing I want to add about the Halloween maze is this. He didn't get, uh, uh, Jeff Banks didn't get hired until like January. So he hasn't lived in this house that long. He hasn't been in this neighborhood that long. It's a very bold move this early to live in a place and be like, hey man, we got the Halloween mace for the kids that we've never met.

Come on in! This is pole assassin. She's got a monkey, but he's locked up. Don't worry about it. Anyway, who wants three musketeers? Full size. And also a football coach, he's been at home like eight minutes out of this year. Correct.

So, like, they've never met this guy. He probably wasn't even home. I guarantee, oh, yeah. He was, the Baylor game was on the road, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So I guarantee he's all the way back and she's texting like, hey, the Halloween maze looking great. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay, sure.

Okay, but now I have a new business idea. Okay. Strip Club escape room. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Because I'm like, maybe she's just really into theatrics. did the dancers assist you or are they like are they doing the um are they giving me the clues for money you have to pay for the clues well yeah yeah we're we can we can discuss this in our in our business meeting yeah don't get trademark for such a good idea so this is trademarked all of this is trademark i also enjoy ryan and at like the legal brain i can feel you instantly homing in on like suing you're like okay here where are the seams where can we where can we bust this case open. Sure. Yeah, I mean, I think I would start with your monkey bit a child. I think that's probably a week. I think that this had a habitat, but could the monkey not have been

in an upstairs bathroom for the night? So, one of the most confusing things about this was that this woman decided to, after this became the talk of Twitter, decided to tweet about it a lot. like a lot a lot a lot and that's the part that was really like there are a lot of bad questionable decisions here that was probably the most questionable because it's all it's all full of like you shouldn't judge before you hear and she keeps changing the story in weird ways where she's like no child was attacked later i was told that there was a small monkey bite but no it's like what's going on it was also this is also what really lent it the air of Your Honor, I will be representing myself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is where she is never, she's clearly never seen shut the fuck up Friday. She's never seen, right? In any legal situation. And Danielle, babe, we are on your side. Yeah.

This is, this is where I am obligated. And people have talked about this on Twitter already. So I'll address this quickly. Are you all familiar with the attractive nuisance concept in law? Oh, yeah. I am. Thanks to Trinot. Thanks to trampolines.

Yes. I'm not, so explain it to me. So basically it says if you have something dangerous on your property that is accessible to a child and you know, like you reasonably foresee that a child would be attracted to this, like a above ground pool or a trampoline or something else where you're like, yep, a kid would try to get in that and they could get hurt as a result. You basically don't get to say, well, this child should have. have made a better, you know, this child should have made better choices. It's like, no, because children are children and they trespass, normally a trespasser doesn't have like that much protection against you for keeping your property. But the law recognizes what we were talking about earlier that like kids are going to kid. Yeah. So this is like where this usually

applies to trampoline swimming pools, like an abandoned car or something like that. There's anything on your property. And they just sort of like say, okay, what would a child do here? And, and in a weird way, again, because it was a haunted house or maze or whatever, and because the sign looks so fucking crazy and amateurish, I think the sign made things worse in some ways because it is the kind of sign where you're like, oh, there's more spooks and scares and fun in this cage, probably. Well, and also, this is, the monkey being, like, and I know it's got to, it's got to have its own space and whatnot, but just for the night, the monkey being out.

there at all is really what is baffling to be because you this is clearly an animal that is very well cared for that you know that has a lot of you know that has a lot of thought putting into into its living space so why for the night would you want the monkey like that's probably a stressful environment for that animal right being around all these like screaming sugared up kids there why is even if that is the monkey's living space why is the monkey there that night. There are people who are like put out signs. Like action cookbook put out a sign that was like, hey,

please don't ring my doorbell. It makes my dog crazy. Here's the candy. This is very, this is like way more stressful than that. Like, why would you want the monkey out there with all these sugared up kids? I don't know. I just, that's the decision point that I really

don't understand. Do you think that the neighborhood knew this was a monkey house? She, this doesn't strike me as a person who is shy about the monkey right yeah also by the way everyone was going

because they're like um yeah I heard she's got a monkey what should go see you think you think that makes people want to go yeah I mean not just a monkey a monkey that is like talented and performs on stage I mean you guys have little kids how would they react to this news this is a hey there's a haunted house with a monkey

this is a haunted house with a talented monkey I got to tell you, my daughter tried to sprint into the ocean the first time she saw it, so we're not going to a haunted house with the monkey, because she will go straight for it and try to hug it. And that's not, no. Oh, how did, hey, how did Halloween go? Halloween went great. Mostly because my child wasn't, thank you. Yeah, it was exquisite.

It went great. It went great. My child wasn't attacked by a monkey at a stranger's house. So I would call it like a win on all fronts. I thought we'd had a pretty good Halloween. And then I saw that it could go much worse. and I feel really good. We had one nephew who surreptitiously, unbeknownst to anyone else,

was eating his candy as he went. Yeah. Like all of it? Yeah. And by the time they came by, by the time they came by my house later on that evening to take photos in front of the giant skeleton, he wouldn't even get out of the car.

He was just staring into space like he'd been lobotomized. I'm really glad that I wasn't around for the aftermath of that. I think he got emotional. I think that happened. Can I ask one more question that's troubling me about this story? Yeah, yeah. What else are we going to talk about? I feel like there is no way to bring this story to somebody who's not extremely online.

Have we all attempted this? I have not. No, I thought about it. My wife was sitting next to me. And while this is happening on Twitter, and I kept looking over and are like, should I? is it and I just decided not to it seemed like too steep it seemed like sort of trying to get somebody to watch the last Lord of the Rings movie with no con with no context be like I'm actually

really glad you brought that up because there was another there was another internet explosion taking place last night that actually took me a few minutes to sort out of the monkey story because I was getting all of these messages simultaneously the love trap video and if you haven't seen it I'm not going to describe anything else about it I would just encourage you to go watch it

and find out nothing about it before you go but I I was in one of those places where you know it's 10 o'clock I got out of class I am given both of these pieces of information and I'm howling it's clearly as Jason said earlier it's one of those great nights online

we have already passed through earnestness and everybody is into giggle oblivion. And I'm on the phone with my mother. I'm on FaceTime with my mother. And I send her the love trap video, but I did not send her the monkey story. And I didn't really think about why in the moment. Mm-hmm.

I didn't even mention the monkey thing. I, at around 1 a.m. local, Emily was already in bed, And I was like, you know, I finally logged off and I walked in like, hey, are you awake? She's like, okay. So the University of Texas, right? And like her college football familiarity is like wisely very low. Like she'll ask me like once a year like, is Nick Saban still around? Yeah, he's still around.

Okay, okay, yeah. I think that's it. She'll ask me like, how is Tom Brady doing? How is Nick Saban doing? And this is our entire football discussion per year. And it's always like really good. That's it. And I was like, okay.

So I try to tell the other story, like trying to emphasize which parts are, you know, like yes sure this lady's a stripper that's not funny in and of itself it's only funny because she has a monkey and blah blah blah and like trying to tell her the story and um she's like okay that's right and then like the next morning like first thing i say is like okay so what of that do you remember because i got to tell you again um but it didn't hit her in quite the same way as it did online people online people and college football people um and i don't know if there is a successful way to like i i've seen a few people tweeting in the morning like i went to talk to my coworkers and none of them really did like kind of just glazed over I don't I don't well at its core

what you have to do is say hey I'm going to tell you a really crazy and funny story about a child who got attacked by an animal like that's that's that's the big that's yeah that's the hump you have to get over here yeah and that's the thing that we've all kind of decided it's funny right like it like when you very first see the first tweet like I think your reaction is like oh dear I hope the child is okay right and then after like three hours of everyone laughing you're like I'm sure the kid's fine. Yes, yes, it is all very premised. I have decided for my own convenience that this child is fine.

It is premised on, we have decided that there has not been evidence to the contrary, so therefore the child is okay. But that might not be true, and now this is not a funny story. If it comes out that the you know, the kid is not okay, delete this episode

and pretend we previewed week 10, okay? Should we do like five minutes of week 10 and just... And then that'll be the other. We will. I do. I do want to... It's North Dakota State, South Dakota State Week. Big weekend FCS. You got the Ivy League championship.

You got the Big Sky Championship, basically. So there you go. We're good. Yeah, we got Maxx all week. There you go. I would also. And Clayhoughton at Georgia Southern. Boy, fucking recent.

Sure. Who, heat. I do know where this is going. Can somebody explain why? Can anybody make a case for Clay Hilton getting the Georgia Southern job? Absolutely not. No. Server, what you got?

he's white and white guys get yeah oh they saw they saw the word clay and we're like you are like us oh you got a coach in Georgia your name's clay he sounds like red dirt you sound like red dirt um

I like he couldn't even recruit well at US fucking C it's gonna get talent it's gonna bring so much so like Georgia Southern's whole brand is like we don't have shit on our helmets or we don't have sleeves and our names and our jerseys and you know our water supply is a creak and like yeah we're very very very very plain so in a sense he might be absolutely perfect yeah we're gonna find the

blankest man our our all-time hero is bald right like yeah plainest possible doesn't even have a doesn't even have a full first name just a noise irk erk yeah I know where this was going by the way the the story because there's a Texas coach who has as a pet monkey, a small one in his home. Are we talking about a different one? A different coach? No, not that I know of. Okay, that's, sorry.

I have no new information on this? Spencer, have you heard anything that's been said in the past like five minutes? I did asking for research. I did. I'm just bringing this back to a button here. Yeah. Because it's not a rivalry and no one at Texas A&M

is paying attention to this. But if next year we hear holiday party interrupted by horror of guerrilla ripping arms off of guest, this, this is where it started. Listen, if Sark is still the coach there, at least you know that he, that his wife will ensure that Sark and the gorilla have the sickest matching party suits. Yeah. We got baby, we got to get the gorilla a bowtie. Jimbo is going to be like, I need the biggest tape you got.

I need biggest apes. Biggest ape. Just put the biggest tape in my house. Get three of them. Get three and put in my other house. I want to be living on the set of cards. Dongo. That's what I want to be. Stop eating my sesame cake.

Hyper-intill- Amy, me good gorilla. Hyper-intelligent apes. That's what I want. All of them. Can you get that one from that movie with the Rock? Rampage? With the diamonds. With the blue diamonds and the lasers. I want that.

Yeah, recruits will love it. You bring it in and be like, here's my hyper-intelligent gorilla. Oh, my God. Can you imagine being a sign-language interpreter trying to keep up with Jimbo so you can sign for the ape? You'd get arthritis in a week. In a week. The ape would also be like, yo, slow down. Chill.

You've got to calm down, dude. So it's clearly not special teams. What is the position coach archetype that is best suited to have a domestic primate? Strength. Is it? Yeah. Strength or D-Lyman, just because I'm like Ed O'Seran. Ed O'Seran would be like, yeah, just gorilla respects me.

He's a good listener. Yeah, we're very close friends for the two of us. You understand my problems. It's because neither them wear shirts. Emotional support gorilla. Emotional support ape. Yeah. A gorilla can support a lot of emotion, I think.

I think, no, I think they're very emotionally intelligent. A chimp, no, Chim's going to lie to you. Chim's going to talk to other chips about you. Chipp's going to look he is the saddest motherfucker I've ever met in my life. While smoking. And they're assholes. Like, I don't, the chimp gossip is the least of my worries. I'm worried it might eat my face.

Yo, clearly you haven't heard chimp gossip. It's cutting. Well, I can't because they have chewed my ears off. I'm with me, though. I don't want an emotional support animal that doesn't smoke. I don't trust it. I guess they gotta

Am I qualified to coach Georgia Southern? Who can say? Oh, I'm taking on all this stress from my owner, so I got to get it out somehow. That's why I smoke. I don't trust an ape that doesn't smoke backhanded, right? Like with the cigarette backlors?

so it looks like it's extra disturbed, right? Like, yeah, fuck all this. Russian style. Is Texas ever going to address this in any way, shape, or form? No. God, I hope so. No. Okay.

I want them, too, to be clear, just because I want to see them try. And, like, they couldn't even get out of the racist Choo Choo Chon's way. Let's, let's see. Let's see what happens down this train track. And I, well, okay, Texas does have a road game at West Virginia left. And I think that is the only team left. on the schedule. Oh, no.

That might pull some shit. West Virginia doesn't care enough about Texas to make this funny. Yeah, but they might care enough to make some jokes. I don't think they care enough. West Virginia is, they have adopted horns down.

They are number two on the horns down loving list. West Virginia, I mean, they don't have any rivals out there at the moment. There might be somebody saying in a monkey. There might be somebody sitting in the front row in Morgantown

wearing a monkey butler costume, right? like with the little... Mm-hmm. It's getting cold. We are starting to see those full-body costume pieces come out. I mean, Jeff Banks is on the field, so somebody could conceivably be right behind him.

I mean, it's Morgantown. You could release a monkey. You could bring one in the stadium. Yeah. Totally legal. He's a season ticket holder. And he has been for a long time. He supported this program.

A monkey and a raccoon skin hat. That's the cutest thing I've ever imagined. Oh, yeah. That sounds like a fucking Pokemon. mine that's adorable yeah that's what i think strength coach d line coach you know big man with big feelings you know who need who need a shoulder to to cry on or a face to be ripped off right chimps by the way totally will do that like when they're talking shit about you and gossiping they're like yeah next wednesday i'm going to do it y'all yeah man teach him his boss rip his face off are chips

the most online primates chimps are like emotionally online yeah i think that's me we are the most Yeah. Yeah, you know, fair point, I suppose, when you bring that into it. There is one other alarming aspect of this story. Oh, thank God. Homefield, apparel has already affirmatively said that they will not be making a monkey shirt. Homefield, you made the dog pants because we wore you down. So can we please, in the interest of efficiency, I love you, but can we please, in the interest of efficiency,

just skip the part where you pretend you're not going to do this and just give us what we want. thank you for paying us money to talk about your t-shirts on our program the pittsburgh state gorillas are not yet a home field school but they will be at some point sure what has to assume but until that time i can i can still recommend that you go to home field apparel you enter code a full cast you get 20% off your first order sweatshirt season is fully here um sweatpants season i don't even know if they have any sweatpants right now supply chain oh just killing us these days but in the meantime lots of t-shirts get lots lots of good baseball shirts um hoodies basically they're like well into the triple digits of schools at this point they've been bringing

back some of the smaller schools lately they have more schools uh that you know and love coming uh yeah just just not going to do the monkey shirt though because like I guess they're afraid of making money I don't know I mean they do advertise on this show so they might be afraid of making money Yeah I'm I'm not a business person Clearly because I'm I'm on this show Yeah that's fair

I guess they know best Anyway if I if I wanted to make a bunch of money I would simply Just open an investment account with acorns Acorns.com Well you can Start your quest to making a bunch of money By making $5 just like

$5. Just like that, you simply go to acorns.com slash fullcast, and your fund gets a rocket boost toward the stratosphere of $5. And after that, all of your purchases on things like monkey food, monkey clothes, monkey enclosures, monkey fees, monkey legal fees, all other monkey goods and monkey services. Oh, Ryan, look up monkey law. Monkey chow.

All of that stuff goes into your, your, your, magical investment fund that then increases until you and your monkey can retire together. Hmm. Monkeys are kind of born retired, though. That's nice. Why did we change that? I hadn't thought about that. So naturally what made us think that's bad and we should instead have jobs?

Yeah, they have a, they've got a lot to teach us. They don't have Nintendo Switch. That's why. We decided we wanted Switch and that costs money. But they throw poop at each other. That's the same. But if you gave a monkey an acorns account. They throw acorns at each other too

When you Google Monkey Law Naturally the first result you get Is the Scopes Monkey Trial Which reminds me of one of the best jokes on Twitter I saw about About this incident Which was simply inherit the eight wins Booh

Train's coming Seeing the smoke way up the track All cast, no brakes