Shutdown Fullcast - Beatdowns: A Retrospective

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

No team wants to catch a beatdown, but wanting can only get you so far in life, as it turns out. Usually, that beatdown comes at the hands of a powerhouse, like the USWNT, or Oklahoma, or UConn Football. In every case, a beatdown is something to be beheld and regarded, like a freak accident or a zoo animal that gets stuck on the roof of a skyscraper. We will not shame those who deliver beatdowns in this home. We will seek them out and remind you that they are real, and that they can happen at any level, at any time. Especially if you're at a Rutgers game. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. It's the internet's only college football podcast. You can look for others. It's just us. It's too bad. Got a good NFL podcast that you can listen to by our friends over at podcast. It ain't played nobody. But otherwise, it's just us, y'all. Hey, you know what I want to talk about this week? Because I got feelings. I'm sure you got them too. They're deep in my soul

Because they're about my country Are you about to start singing If tomorrow Things are gone Work for all my life Had to start again Just the soccer team My wife

My soccer team of wives My soccer team of wife Thank my lucky stars To be living here today That's the version of Big Love I want for a reboot Hey, Spencer, how many stripes are in the American flag? The 13 on the flag.

Are those represent the 13 original colonies of the United States of America? No, it's goals against Thailand. Interesting. Who we've always been at war with. More problematic. More problematic? Yeah, the United States team scored 13 goals. I think if you can say that this podcast is in favor of

certain things and find certain things to be beautiful, right? Fighting. Fighting. Uh, mascots fighting. I'm big on that, right? I'm big on, uh, jaunty violence. Yeah, I'm big on shots of random Americans in the stands,

usually during blowouts, but not always. For me, football might have peaked when there was a, like, televised brawl at the end of a relatively meaningless, Arkansas, Mississippi State game, back in I believe, 2015. Yeah, moments like that. Golden Tate jumping into the band. Yeah, Golden Tate jumping into the Michigan State band. The Golden Tate Warriors.

Hitting six pointers and then jumping into the stands to the tune of... They were the ones what told us this was Sparta. I can't find it anymore, but the internet used to have a copy of that's set to Total Eclipse of the Heart in Slow Motion. Oh, I like the one set to sail. Turn around. The one to sail. Anything to sail is good. Yeah. I think you can set most any treasured beat down to sail.

We would have to do a lot of loops of sale, though, to cover that particular soccer game. What makes them so good? I don't know. Like with the United States beating down Thailand was so good, you could make a ranking of all the goals as our own Harry Liles did. In order of rudeness? Yeah, in order of rudeness. For me, for me, it was any of Carly Lloyd's. She had five of them.

I would like to shout out a friend of the program, long-time reader Matt T. Who suggested during, what day are we recording yesterday's 3-0 blanking of Chile that we just give Carly Lloyd a sword? He did not suggest what would happen after that, but I support this on or off the field. Permit Carly Lloyd to carry a sword at all times. Texas A&M gets a sword. Yeah. They do.

They do. Did it help them? In certain situations against certain teams, like, I don't know. I'm just going to, like, play my hand a little here. Going back 16 years, did it help him? To 2003? Oh, no. No, it definitely did not.

But we're not talking about that. Not yet, no. We will. We will. All right. Oh, we will. Because I would have talked about beatdowns, which, from a philosophical perspective, I don't even think we need to roundtable this.

If you don't like it, stop it. If you don't. Because, you know who couldn't stop? Thailand, Indonesia. Indonesia couldn't stop Thailand in a qualifier last year when Thailand beat down the noble archipelago of Indonesia 13 to 0 by the exact same score. That happened.

You know the key to a beat down that the traditional media will find satisfying? You have to... Apparently, you have to put men in it. Well, yeah, that's a big part of it. But you also have to be business-like. about it. Like, whenever Bama beats some, on, like, some Sunbelt team that they're way overmatched and they win by 50.

And Nick Saban's all grumpy and, you know, there are a lot of execution mistakes. Like, I think we're okay with the fact that we just saw another team get slaughtered because there is a, like, this is joyless business. This is how sausage gets made And this sausage factory It's all gumbed up But if you have fun doing it For some reason that fucks it up

I don't really understand it I'll be honest Is it that the big performative Oh we should have beaten a way worse thing Sort of implies mercy in a way Like we weren't at our best There's that but also like The John Wick films are very different

If he's smiling and laughing the whole time You know Like now that's It's a very different movie-going experience. Oh, yeah. What if Keanu's character from Always Be My Maybe was just John Witt. Which, by the way, Keanu filmed Always Be My Maybe on a shooting break from John Witt 3, John Frick. You can tell.

No, he didn't. No, he really did that. No, I believe you. Like, you can kind of tell that. This sounds like the thing I would make up, but no. I think he just wore the clothes from John Wick. No, that was actually the, okay, back up. Our friend Alex Papanuos, who just wrote a GQ profile.

of Keanu that is excellent that you should go read. It's basically Keanu Reeves has a cold, and I mean, that is a compliment. That's, he's actually wearing in the movie the new clothes that Tom Ford had created for him, like, around that cheeky shoot. God, it's stunt. There's layers here. Just a stunt. The internet's only Keanu Scholarship podcast.

We don't get to do that in sports. It's not like jean shoes that can roll up, you know, be like, I'm wearing this jacket. It was custom made for me. He should. At under armor. You know Matt Brown does. that shit. I'm wearing this Nike blazer.

It was made by a gentleman named Dave. It was made by child slaves in Bangalore. For me, just for me, Mac Brown. Thank you. You can tell because I wrote my name in Sharpie on it. Yeah, that's, I don't know, I don't get it either. I think this is just some temperamental thing where, you know, if I sit down on the couch and I have the caloric beat down, right, where I just decide I'm going to eat this

entire bag of whatever, right? Am I supposed to feel bad about it afterwards? Right. I could, but I'm going to do it again probably in a couple of months. So guess what? I might as well celebrate it. I might as well be happy with it. My favorite argument that gets trotted out is children are watching this.

What are you teaching children? The alternative is that the United States beats Thailand 13-0 and everyone's having a bad time. I don't know what that's supposed to teach children in the alternative like hey sometimes like things are just bad all around and you should not take joy even when it's presented to you sorry listen it's called the women's world cup it's not called the ladies world cup it's true although also I thought that considering everything like think about how you were reacting at home like we were uh who was we were having some kind of editorial meeting last week while this game was going on and at one point I

started going through my notes and looked up and had missed two goals and we have this we have this all on Slack because I was like ha ha six to nothing and Ryan was like Holly it's eight to nothing and I was like ha ha and I looked up but remember how much trouble we had keeping our own faces

and voices straight on that video conference call you're asking them to play this incredibly exhausting game on international television on the biggest world stage for their sport but also keep your facial muscles in a in a prescribed configuration right uh as you are bringing home glory for

your country if you would for the sport that most people are only paying attention to once every four years please god be circumspect god like i honestly i would have peeled off my own face and thrown it into the crowd like a frisbee if i had been on the field for that i thought they did it i thought they were very restrained considering. I do think children should not watch that. They should not watch people peel off their own faces and throw them around like Frisbee. We let children watch the Discovery

Channel all the time. Let me put it this way. Right? If you are not doing everything you can to beat the opponent at every single second of the game, then what are you doing? Yeah. What are we

doing? What if we hadn't finished the drill at the Battle of Yorktown? what then I don't think Thailand was at that you know it's unsporting unsporting is stabbing Hessians in their tents on Christmas Day but we're speaking English right now

because we did that that's right Javel we probably would have been speaking English anyway but my point is the beat him down is the thing of beauty the beat him down right to use Beaumani Jones turn or your average beat down the generic non-trademarked one

I should do that one that's the Costco version right yeah yes it's the kirkland version nothing else were the kirkland podcast yeah whoop him up yeah the old wolf him up whoop him up and beat him down the the old the old wrongy brook the old

the old just a good old fashion slaughter it's the people start watching it like I love it when on a Saturday of college football there's a sudden bird dogging of oh oh you got a here you should y'all

go over and watch this because things are going real bad over here. Like a disaster movie when they always show a big video screen in a place like time score and heads just turning one by one to watch and witness and wonder. Right. I loved that because Max Kellerman once said boxing was the most compelling sport in the world. And when the guffaws were offered in response, he said, no, think about it.

You got four corners, right? You got two people playing tennis over here on this street corner. And you got two people playing soccer over here on this street corner. and you got two people playing basketball over here on this street corner and done on the fourth one somebody just turns and yells hey there's a fight that's kind of what happens in a proper beatdown is that everyone goes oh y'all is boxing like the nesting doll sport that's our favorite part of other sports but lives inside them hmm i think so it's like the spice right that goes in everything it makes it better

like much as i wish that basketball games would just break out in the middle of other sports We don't see that. Yeah. But that's why a beat down is so compelling. Is that it contains... Boxing is the caramel nugut center of all our favorite parts of sports. It contains a lot of things that people...

Inevitably, when there's a beatdown, I think it's so incomprehensible to people that they have to resort to other things, right? They have to go, I really can't understand something that's lopsied and bad, so I'm going to talk about manners. What am I going to tell of my children? Tell them to be better at soccer.

Or not to play. That's an option. Just get off the field, man. Yeah. Tell them to take up golf. You thought about e-sports? Nah, you'll get your ass kick there too, man. Whew.

There's dramatic beatdowns there. Don't, yeah, there's no polite margin of victory in e-sports. Are you insane? At any rate, the women's national team, America's only soccer team, is through to the knockout stage. And we are here today to celebrate our favorite beat-em-downs in America's beautiful. game. Yeah. Jason,

would you like to go first? So, I think on the subject of those head turning type beatdowns, the games where this is awful and everyone is watching it. The most recent one was 2016 Michigan 78, Rutgers Zero. Just mentioning

that as one that people likely very easily remember as sort of an example of the type of game we're talking about. Just a complete grotesque beat down in every direction. And we'll come back to Rush. We'll come back to Rutgers football in a few minutes. Rutgers is frequently mentioned on lists like this. This was the worst lost by an FBS team this millennium.

So that's kind of the standard for this. One I wanted to mention was this was the, as far as I can tell, the only time in the past century that a team that was top level considered top level at the time and now gave up 100 or more points. 1918 nc state of course lost 128 to nothing to george tech since then it's mostly been lower level teams or teams that were like ucela when it was a baby program gave up 100 points but like it's baby ucla you know uh it's like it's like baby thanos uh this was 1968 houston 100 tulsa six uh did they go for two they did not in fact but buddy they lost by that many points

they didn't even go for one so Houston toward the end was sitting on 93 points and obviously at this point you know coaches are like how the fuck do I get these guys to stop scoring they've been trying to stop scoring for like a whole quarter now they're sitting on 93 the crowd's bloodthirsty

the crowd wants 100 and this comes from an ESPN story Wade Phillips was a senior linebacker on this team and he said that he doesn't really know how the first team defense ended up back on the field with two minutes left, but it did. And yeah, they ran back a punt for the 100th point. I just love that.

That's the easiest touchdown to not. Oh, my God. That's the easiest one. You're just sure to run straight ahead. The elsewhere on this roster was someone who, is less of a fulksy philosopher, a human psychologist, witty type compared to Wade Phillips.

Wade Phillips, who of course, 50 years later would tweet, it's expensive agency, not free agency. That is a true, that is a true learned wit and scholar. Also in this game, Dr. Phil was a freshman linebacker for Tulsa. You decided to lose by over 90 points to SMU. How's that going for you? So you have, you know, Wade Phil. Phillips, Drew, genius, scholar.

And you have Dr. Phil, man who plays one on TV. Also, side note in this, Dr. Phil was a freshman in 1968, which means he wasn't eligible to play in this game. Lucky for him. He didn't graduate for eight years. Then you add in a master's and doctorate. That's 11 years in college,

which is more than Herm Edwards to this day, including all of his coaching experience. Wait, is he an actual doctor? Yes. Of what? I don't know. and write that part down. Losing.

He went to Tulsa for football, transferred to Midwestern State for like near a fucking decade, and then got a doctorate. We got to look and see if Midwestern State also lost games by 100 there. Like if Dr. Phil's fault, like if Dr. Phil was just a magnet for... His doctorate is in psychology, but he's not a licensed psychologist. I bet it's... According to Vox.com.

I bet it's a massage therapy doctorate. And he just scribbled it out. Whoa, whoa. His MA is an experimental psychologist. well sure he did his dissertation wait wait wait what happens to the human mind exposed to 100 points yeah exactly yeah he did his dissertation on telling people to pray away their rheumatoid arthritis okay how's that working for yeah he went to north texas i'm closing this tab you know what i learned over the weekend i learned that north texas has one of the country's premier opera programs oh yeah

Oh, they do. Their music program. Yeah. Yeah. I know a guy. It's like Austin that hasn't been ruined by the tech community. I know a guy who went there to study jazz drumming in the middle of Denton, Texas. But he had the most Texas thing happen to him.

He got pulled over by a cop and the break. I think there was some break issue with the trailer, the U-Haul they were holding. So as the cop was sitting there giving him a ticket, the brakes had already overheated, set everything he owned on fire. So the cop's like, well, here, I'm going to give you. you a warning and wow everything you have is on fire your car looks a lot like 1968 Tulsa losing by many many points tell me do you have Dr. Phil in the back there I'm sweaty he's a big guy the trunk is full of Dr. Phil you have to you have to decide

whether the fire is going to burn you or not that's up to you time to pray away the car fire how's that working for you Phil it's not going well be honest yeah that's Houston set some people on fire they were also when they played SMU

in the probation year of I believe 1989 yeah that's that's another good one when they said yeah we were trying to run the clock out no they threw like two bombs to open the second

house oh what a delightful tradition Who wants to go next? I can if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to warm up here. I got mine ready to go. So I'm all focused on conference championship beat-em-downs because any beat-down is good.

I particularly like when they happen at the conference championship level A, because in theory, this is where they should not happen. These are teams that have made it through the gauntlet, not always, as we'll see. of these examples and should not get blown out and secondly because the stakes are fucking huge like even if you're not talking about a team that's contending for number one or two in the BCS or a big bowl game or the college football playoff although if you win a conference championship you're almost always talking about at least a big bowl game um like there's a lot on the line just the idea that you can you can win your conference and you can be on top so

I think I actually want to start with the 2014 Big Ten championship game. We've talked about this Ohio State team recently, but we kind of skipped over this game. This was a 59-0 win over Wisconsin. Spencer, what start was this for Cardale Jones? This should be start two. Start one. Start one? One.

It's his first start. He came in against Michigan Yes, he didn't start the Michigan game He came in towards the end of the Michigan game Yes, okay, so start one for Cardale He goes 12 of 17 for 257 yards And three touchdowns And his first two touchdowns are that

Tintivo bullshit where you jab step towards the line Like you're keeping it And then rock back and throw a touchdown pass It's such a delightfully dick move this Wisconsin team on the other hand just like they ran two plays in Ohio State territory in the first half

one of them was a pick were they good ones the other one was an incompletion on the last play of the half they only got inside the Ohio State 30 for one play all game that was a sack fumble that they recovered back at their own 43

and like no was this a top to bottom good Wisconsin and team. No. Joel Stave was the quarterback for this game, and he goes 17 and 43 with three picks, no touchdowns, obviously, and less than 200 yards. But they had Melvin Gordon, who had, you know, set for a little bit at least the rushing record against what was number 11 Nebraska. And like, they had, they had beaten some good teams. They had hung with LSU early in the year. I think they end up beating three ranked teams on the year. And they just, got destroyed by, like, a quarterback that they had nothing on.

And it's not like he ran all over them either. He had a couple runs in this game, but by and large, the plan was Cardale's going to throw it some, but he's going to make good decisions, which he did overwhelmingly well, and Zeke just ran through wide open, like, he has 220 yards on 20 carries. It's obscene what happened in this game And Wisconsin just was like Not in it at all It's just

Disgusting And it's beat him downness Beat him down a toad Yeah The beatitudes Cardinal head The beatitudes The beatitudes say that when you have a quarterback

Who only has 17 attempts all season Well that's as many as he gets against Wisconsin Because he also attempted 17 passes in the game and yeah he was throwing he was throwing open too by the way Wisconsin could not keep up this was not one of those subtle beat downs

where you go ah you know like this this blowout was a little closer than the experts think that sentence wouldn't come out of your mouth your body would reject it you know you're watching a good beat down when you get conspiracy theory shortly after such as Gary Anderson the Big Ten made him throw this game

to see he quit football See, he left for Oregon State. See, there is witness protection. They're smuggling him off to Oregon State. See, he quit. It does not help that. I am pretty sure I remember Baylor and TCU fans being like, well, you know, if Wisconsin upsets Ohio State, I am the game's over.

And we're done. My entire case depends on, my entire case depends on man bites dog. Yeah, you had TCU like, yeah, well, we beat, we beat, we, be Kansas State pretty good today, too. So I guess two teams won really big. It'll be hard to pick one of them. Don't worry, son. Your medical care is in the hands of a Wisconsin quarterback. Is it Russell Wilson? No. No, it is not. Oh, dear. Well, I'm not getting anywhere quickly, am I? Unless this is one of those air evacuations, if I'm moving by ground and it's a Wisconsin quarterback, it's going to be a while. It was weird, too, because this Ohio State defense was

good but it wasn't like crushingly good like Cincinnati moved the ball on this team and so did Michigan State and so did Rutgers like it was I I think Urban Meyer this is after if I recall correctly the year after the or maybe it's the year before the pizza the pizza game the sad pizza against Arkansas yeah I think it's after it's after it's after that was it was like bracket-hit by Michigan State again upsets

and one of those was the pizza game I think this is the year after the pizza Michigan State game I'm feeling this is pizza revenge and yeah

and it sucks that like Wisconsin had to see pizza turn it on itself its old friend pizza came back oh no

we're defeated by cheese beer turned on us no we're drowning in cheese no I have a couple other

conference champ ones but I want to pass the talking stick. I have the talking stick at the moment because I think any big, you mentioned Baylor and TCU fans going, hey, you know, if Wisconsin had, okay, if anybody should appreciate a proper mathematically improbable,

statistically apparent beat down, it would be someone from, from, you know, the big 12th one, because a lot of those schools actually teach industrial slaughter as a major. So you think they'd appreciate it. it. They'd be like, ah, the old assembly line and bolt gun. Good job, Oklahoma versus literally anybody from 2000 to 2010. Kuchuk. Yeah. Or, you know, maybe they would remember that

generally, that's the part of the country where, you know, talent differentials are a little weird. You might just have two or three real good players on a team and everyone else might be kind of, and then suddenly you got to play Kansas in November and no one on Kansas can actually keep up on foot with anyone on your team and whoop there you go got like a 53 to 6 game just out of nowhere that just happens or this that you can remember that a conference game in 2003 resulted in one of the worst point differentials in the 21st century involving two programs both with you know national titles at one point in their history and both who had just played a 3026 game that went the other way the year before.

We're going to talk about 770. Jesus. Uh-oh. Yeah. Yeah. 770, which is the score of the 2003 Texas A&M Oklahoma game. This really, this should have been a loss. It should not have been this.

Again, previous year. Thank you for clarifying that it should have been a loss. It should have been, oh, no. We've run the numbers, and we conclude that Oklahoma should have won this game. Wait, okay, so in the way of, in the same vein of Lifelong Big 12 or Big Ten enthusiasts, Nebraska, are we allowed to add this blood to the SEC ledger? Yeah. The Big Ten Network certainly should.

Like, instead of being like, oh, let's look at great Maryland basketball. No, they should just be like, let's look at some SEC fails. Here, 770. That's on you now. programming and I don't know why they don't pursue it. I don't know why the Longhorn Network wouldn't show this game. Yeah. Yeah.

Andy, are you listening? We got some ideas. Just show this one and be like, wow, look at Texas, beating the hell out of A&M. It's astonishing. Every time A&M gets a five-star commit, just schedule this one up on the Longhorn Network. Just rotate it with the Rose Bowl. Or just deny it, right? We could be like, why somebody calls the board, right?

Like old school calls the board. Why are y'all showing this Oklahoma A&M game? What game? We're not the Rose Bowl's on, sir. It's the Vince Young Rose Bowl. Maybe it only makes itself visible to you. Yeah, it's the brigadoon of games. This is Dennis Franchone's first year at A&M.

You may not remember Dennis Franchoni, or you may have blocked him from your memory. Both entirely possible and respectable. He left. This is how you know that you're not dealing with somebody that can either be trusted or, necessarily predicted. He left Alabama for A&M.

That's the reverse Bear Bryant. You don't do that. That's not. You leave A&M to go to Alabama. You don't do the reverse. All right. Particularly if you want the kind of guaranteed success that seems to follow everybody at Alabama.

Like, remember, even Mike Dubose one double-digit games there and beat Florida twice at the year. I'm just beating every Alabama fan of that. It happened. but he leaves in their four and five going into this game they're okay offensively defensively um their toilet their butt they're awful they are toilets are useful that's true toilets toilets can at least you know move things away they can at least uh yeah that's not happening the defense is is not great and they're facing an undefeated oh u team who is coming off of

uh destroying oklahoma state uh by almost six points a couple of weeks prior. Oklahoma should win, but it shouldn't be this. It shouldn't. And this game has made so much worse, by the way, like when you think, oh, man, when I think a legendary blowouts, you know, most people don't think of like Michigan Rutgers, right? They don't, unless they're a Michigan fan,

or unless they're people like us who see a quality beatdown and just run to it and go, we must document this important moment in college football history. Every single fullback touchdown to get them up 71. to nothing. No, most people don't, unless it comes on in, you know, a large time slot, unless it comes on in the middle of a college football Saturday, which, unfortunately, for Texas A&M, it did.

A great way to start off your first year at a university that you will later resign with everyone saying, well, it's about time that happened, is to start your career off against a big conference rival like this. But putting up 54 offensive yards. ABC. Mm-hmm. On ABC.

With everyone watching. A good way to start off things is to get three first downs on the day. Three. How many did Oklahoma have in response? They had two threes. You put them together. They have 33 first downs. To three first downs.

Reggie McNeil couldn't do anything in this game. I don't really even know what plays. they're calling because they don't get a time for them to develop long developing plays called against one of oh use better defenses the one that will get them an appearance in the national title game that that's not a good plan and the more proof in the pudding is this 63 penalty yards did they have more penalty yards than they had offensive yards yes did they get a whole lot of penalties no no that was low they had more hunts than first downs.

Many more. Twelve to three was the margin. In the second quarter, the second quarter is just blood. Just blood everywhere. Just a massive, horrible, disgusting 35-point explosion. With not even that many turnovers, you go, oh, there must have been like seven turnovers in this game.

Nope. A&M had one turnover. That means this was a deliberate, clean, calculated, thoughtful decision to do nothing that day. Absolutely nothing. Yardage, 639 to 54. That'd be 639 for Oklahoma and 54 yards. See, these are the details that really separate a true beat him down from just a good win. Like a good win is a death where you're like, oh, he had a stroke and he died. A beat him down is where we're like, we found three liters of mercury in his stomach and we don't know why. Let me tell you now

about his gallbladder and where his eyes should be what we found instead. Like that's the level of detail you get into. You know, Mercury would actually leach out of his stomach and like through his skin. That's the kind of

knowledge you can only get by going to the University of Tennessee. Home of the Body Farm. We got corpses. Back to, speaking of corpses, back to this. I'm not done it gets worse the pivotal event in this game is up 770 in the fourth quarter Oklahoma is on fourth and goal and they are desperately trying not to score and they hand the ball to their running back the offensive line basically does like an up down

but without the up part they just flop just lay on their bellies And two A&M defenders obligingly tackle the running back and then celebrate. Causing open laughter on the Oklahoma sideline. Bob Stoop said of the entire thing, you know, we don't really celebrate. I mean, I believe in being decent to people. He's saying this.

He's saying this after beating 770. And also after playing Dennis Franchione, who's categorization out of the category of people. It's a little generous. This was a running clock game, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. We just keep it moving, y'all. Like, that is the generous part.

When was the last running clock game in college football? Is it Florida State, Savannah State? Yeah, I think so. What was the last running clock game that wasn't like a visible tragedy that we had to feel bad about? Hmm. They don't happen. Yeah, there's one every couple years. Yeah.

And sometimes you'll get it just for like. I guess what I'm getting at was as there ever, when was the last like, P5 on P5 running clock game. Oh, I think it's... And not like a war crime, like Florida State on Savannah State. I think there's another Oklahoma one from around this time. I don't know if it's before or after, but like, this is the gold standard. Yeah.

Yeah, this is even more bizarre because, oh, well, final note, and it is the note you'll think here thrown out most on this, two things. One, there's a great image that goes with Dennis Franchone in this where it, It says you'll see results and you click on images. You're like, okay, let's see what we got here. And the shot is of Dennis Franchoni on the sidelines with the ABC macro over it that says, you know, 770. And I think it says like 130 left in the third. Just him completely expressionless.

Always check the timestamps, y'all. It makes it funny. So much football left. Yeah, so much football. You just got to sit through. this whole thing, don't you? Also, Texas A&M, remember, never got past their own 40. Never. It wasn't like, oh, they didn't get a first down. Nope. They didn't get past their 40, their own 40 yard line. The entire game. Oklahoma, literally playing, why are you hitting yourself?

The entire game with Texas A&M. The single worst. Like, if you look, by the way, like last thing, if you look at the list, and this will get us to our final featured. beat down here. No, it won't. I got mine. Yeah, no, I'm a segue. Oh. I'm segueing.

Why didn't you say so? I was trying to. All right. I really like the art that goes into this podcast, like the seamless, the way you can't really see the connective tissue. We're at the same desk, so you think those might go smoother. I'm working my way. I'm taking the off ramp to the segue here.

So in the top 20 worst beat downs of the 21st century. No, this is the thing I was going to say. This is my intro. Well, hold on. You're just eating my intro. No, I'm feeding into it. The craft of the stage craft. Remember how I said we were coming back to Rutgers?

This is the only one that involves, this is the only one that involves what I would consider two actual conference rivals. It's like watching a flock of birds decide which way to fly. We're doing it. It's like watching Cirque de Soleil, but everyone has diarrhea. We're getting there. It's the only one that I think would involve two actual conference rivals, like who might have a competitive stretch, right?

The other ones involving Power 5? I would like to point out that if you sort the worst beatdowns in the 21st century by point differential, there's one team that appears twice in the losers, the opponent section there there is one football team uh or sorry one there there's one fbs football team that appears two times twice just in the top 14 yes sorry of of the worst beatdowns of the 21st century uh and that team is Rutgers but this really isn't about Rutgers that's not fair they're the oldest college football team they're weak that's why I limited it to

the 21st century just over there knocking the insure can out of their hands sorry about your brittle bones fighting methuselahs all right the year was 2001 and West Virginia was bad at football

they were it was Rich Rod's first season nothing none of the wheels were spinning yet they would they would end the season three and eight with a backyard brawl loss and that normally would be rock bottom for the Mountaineers, but 2001 was special. And they hit a new low the week before

this Rutgers game in a 1714 lost to Temple, a team the Mountaineers had not lost to since 1984. Pennsylvania's one true college football team, yes. Yes. They had rolling in November 3rd to their home game with Rutgers, they had beaten O'Intyre. Ohio and Kent State and lost to Boston College, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Notre Dame, and Miami. Now, the schedule that year was not great for West Virginia. I mean, first of all, you open your season losing at Boston College at noon, 10 to 34, fine. But Maryland was ranked that year. Virginia Tech was in the top 10.

They were coming off a 45 to 3 loss at Miami, which was number one at the time. but West Virginia in 2001 had one thing going for them and is that one thing something that you would like to tell us Spencer because you look like real eager right here yeah they were 2001 Rutgers yeah they got to play Rutgers just like oh it's like watching two beach volleyball players that just know each other's patterns and rhythms and just

yeah that was a great dig Misty the wordless transition You remember this was at the time this was the Big East. Ruckers had to play all these good teams too. Rutgers had already lost to Miami and Virginia Tech by a combined score of 111 to nothing to start Big East play. This was also Greg Shiano's first year on the job. And Rutgers actually at the time wasn't any worse

than they were supposed to be. They got trash canned by the two best teams in the conference. But they were trending up at the end of October. They had a series of close losses. beat Navy two weeks before the West Virginia game. Like, they were bad, but they were on their way. They were, there was movement on their way to something. Also, they lost a temple 30 to 5 the previous week.

We don't talk enough about 2,000, forgive me for stepping on PAPN's little swinkle toes, but we don't talk enough about 2001 Temple football on this podcast. Watch, watch, they're going to do an hour on it this week now. You know what, though? Like maybe somebody should have seen this company because coming, Because if you lose by the score of 30 to 5, that team with five points is the outbreak monkey. It's like international flight. I don't know.

That guy in first class doesn't look so good. Boy, he sure is going to the bathroom a lot. Oh, I might be going to keep an eye on him. Something bad's coming. So something bad. November 3rd, 2001, Rutgers gets on the Jersey turnpike and took exit eight straight to hell. To hell! As in eight turnovers.

Eight turnovers. Then they hung a right on State Road 80, as in 80 points. 80 points. The total of the Scarlet Lights, the Scarlet Knights allowed in an 827 loss at West Virginia. The Mountaineers only threw 11 passes all game, had 446 rushing yards, and out gained Rutgers, 627 to 177. if I may pluck one moment from this game to just serve it up to you as like a little Ortolan of spite. This is how badly Rutgers was

fucked in this game. West Virginia led 58-0-0 just before halftime when two mountaineers committed personal fouls, one for a late hit, the other for celebration. The extra point, thus ended up being a 50-yard attempt from between the hatches. and West Virginia made it. They kicked a 50-yard West Virginia point,

extra, extra point, which set off an even bigger celebration. I will tell you that this was my sophomore year of college. I just moved into my first grown-up apartment, and for the first time in my life, I was watching football without my family. You know, I grew up watching West Virginia. tournament football watching Tennessee football at home with various relations. I left Knoxville at half time of this game and drove home to watch the second half with my

dad, just so I could roll around on the floor like a baby panda in peace. Also, down 73, what did Greg Shiano do? Put together a 15-play 90-yard touchdown drive with five minutes. With five minutes left in the game. That's right. That's where you shout, next score wins, and then both. Meanwhile, West Virginia took the momentum of this massive victory over a conference opponent and lost their last three games in a row.

Hell yeah. Which just makes it more beautiful for me, right? It's all the fireworks, it's a fireworks large accident in which nothing was ignited before and nothing is left to ignite after. What are we going to do next week? Ah, it's back to sucking. Just heading back to suck town. Jason, you can't possibly out PAPN mentions of 2001 Temple, can you?

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, but I can't. I wanted, as the only one of us with a rooting interest in one of these teams, I just wanted to marinate in that for a little bit, but please, let's go deeper. Rutgers fan. Holly Anderson, you heard it here first. That is the worst thing you have ever said to me. You go to hell, Ryan, Manny.

You go to hell and you die. Go ears. Go ears. Thank you. So here's two. The first one, it's slightly longer. The second one's pretty quick. So do we know the Division III Minnesota conference?

I guess it's the Miak. The Miak? Miak. However you say Minnesota accent. It's the one that recently kicked out St. Thomas for beating up everyone else in the mehak too badly. St. Thomas had won basically the conference's directors' cups on both the men's and women's side for 12 years in a row. And you see football scores when they play of the likes of 270, 59, 0, 520, 527, 510, so on and so forth, this type of shit. It's St. Thomas and St. John's that just beat the shit out of the rest of the mea.

very very badly um but then a funny thing happens they go to the playoffs and they play teams that aren't from them here uh and they lose to mary hard and baler and they lose again the next year to mary hard and baler or they lose in the first round to uh let's see north central college and this shit happens every year um let's see the uh the johnnies that's the name of st johns the team that two years ago had a 98 to nothing win I think it's the closest we've come since 1989 to anyone putting 100 points on another NCAA team. That team has one division three titles since 1976. The Tommies, St. Thomas, the team that just got booted from them.

They have never come within two touchdowns of a national title. It's a great year for the Miak if it's totally dominant champion manages to come to get to the quarterfinals. let alone the semifinals. The lesson of the Miak, of course, is never try. Never, never play anybody. When they say the Miak has played nobody, good. Don't. Just settle it amongst yourselves.

I also like the Miak looking at St. Thomas, the team that just kicked the shit out of it for a decade and saying, you know what? You think you're so fucking tough. All right. You know, just go prove it. And I don't know how you handle this knowing that you're no longer going to win by 90 to nothing. In fact, you're probably going to win by 90 to nothing.

going to lose. But that's fun. I like the ultimate lesson of just, why try? Why do playoffs? Why try at all? I like the hell's full, so they sent me to the Miak approach here, right? Well, get out of here. Where am I going to go? I'm the devil. This is my job. Go somewhere else. I have an honorable mention that's real recent. And I don't, I think people kind of slept on the You're going to talk about the Florida Michigan bowl game, I swear to God. No, no, no. That was a tight. I can't even say it.

It was a good fair contest where everyone was on the field who should have been. You gator chomped a child. I'm not proud of myself at all, just for the record. It's the last time before that time when you were in the Georgia Dome for a game, you called an elderly woman a Walmart person. She was. She was. I stand by that. Okay.

Yeah. The Walton's are rich. That's a compliment. I'm not... That's how he meant it. I'm not proud of telling the truth, but I do. And that's my curse. These are both lies. Just like the U.S. Women's National Team.

Exactly. We're exactly 13 goals better than you and have no choice but to prove it. Also, that lady really was a Walmart person. So I... You're not too far off by mentioning an Alabama fan. It's just in the neighborhood. Auburn finished last year. Like, this is fresh, y'all.

It's super fresh. They finished last year by playing one of, I mean, a beatdown that could have been much worse than it actually was. Because if you all don't remember, the score at the half in the Music City Bowl was 56 to 7. It's the Music City Bowl.

I assure you I don't remember. Nobody remembers. And that's why you have to, that's why you have to, like, chime in and go, oh, yeah, by the way, just remember that Auburn was up 56, 7 at the half in the Music City Bowl in Nashville on Purdue. So when Purdue, like, you know, when Purdue gets up and they have like a 93 season next year, 10 and 2 maybe, they're going into a bowl game. Yeah, just down the talent level, just keep an eye on it. Because when it gets rolled up in the wrong context,

right when they have to escape them yak so to speak and actually play someone who's been through the gauntlet yeah it could be bad you're misinterpreting that game jeff rom just didn't want the Auburn jobs he was like oh no look oh you're much better than us that's it I think this is actually this is actually more like that three and eight West Virginia team because I think after beating Ohio State like that and also beating Indiana Purdue was like, yeah, it's as much as we can hope. It's all we got. It's as good as things can get, boys. What do you think Purdue? What do you think Purdue, Pete? Implacable stare. That's right, Pete. Ditto. That's what that face means. I'm finished.

In the bowling alley. Can I drop one more? Yes. Oh, yeah. So, college football history before world war two is a giant fucking mess after world war two it's like things various institutions and so forth sort of start to align and things start to make sense do we know the most lopsided NCAA football game since world war two since world war two since world war two now okay so you know all those little like bases and naval stations that started up football teams during world war two like iowa pre-flight and all that shit some of those got really good and They finished like 19, I think 1944, a couple of them were in the top 10. But the next season, the war, of course, ends like days before football starts. So they shut them down, almost all of them. A couple of them keep lingering on for another year or two, like merchant marine, kept playing top level football for a little bit longer.

But apparently one kept going until 1949, Newport Naval Training Station. And I'm just thinking, like most of the, these bases it's okay you're you're getting in tons and tons of say freshman in 1944 because of the war and then by the time they're seniors this who in the world is still playing football for newport naval uh newport nts yes well whoever they had around was bad enough to lose 125 to zero to yukon that's right the connecticut huskies have a something in the history of college football they beat the shit out of like some some the last vestiges of world war two's troops these are like the world war two troops who are still fighting

like who don't know the war is over you know like on some remote island in the pacific just unaware the war is over and here comes yukon to defeat them 125 to nothing most teams don't come out of guadal canal stadium with a victory like that people don't know that yukon was an access power but they were. That explains the look on the sad Husky's face. I regret things. What have I done? Yeah, part of the surrender terms.

Your mascot has to look like he's filled with regret.