Shutdown Fullcast - Big Duck Energy

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

What do you get when you imagine Rex Grossman having played for Washington, discuss where Wazzzu ranks in FBS Unintentional Self Tasering, argue that Stanford and A&M are somehow alike, explain how Phil Knight's better than every other alum in the division because BUSINESS, and do it all under the watchful eye of regular co-host Brian Floyd? BIG DUCK ENERGY, the world's only Oregon podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And welcome to Big Duck Energy. Big Duck Energy. That's right. Putting the quack in your mama's back. That's Big Duck Energy. The Pack 12 North's most notorious Oregon podcast. Maybe the only Oregon podcast, but that's fine. We're here to explain the Big Pack 12.

We're going to call the Big Pack 12 North. Yeah, it already started. Because we're tired of the East Coast. Taters, the Bud Elliott's of the world, saying that we're small, saying that our thighs are insufficiently girthy. We see your comments. We read your message board. We, we have great thighs. We have booming systems. Damn booming. Sleep on the Pac-12, literally. Why would you do that if we're so bony and if we're not supple, idiots? Yeah, exactly. We have, we have college football. Listen, beyond Oregon, we have college

football's most flexible team. That's right. Stanford. Yeah, they're smart and they're live. Sequoias are thick. That's right. We have tons of thick football players. Bears. Bears. Who got bears? Come on. What's thicker that of bear? Other bears. We have multiple bears. That's right. Multiple bears. What do you have, SEC? You got wildlife like what? A couple groundhogs, snakes. you got basically the like castaway drawer in the kitchen of animals loose skin dogs gross gators ain't no meat on a fucking gator nope and before louisiana man tries to say oh actually there's good eating

no i've eaten gator i'm from i'm from georgia i've moved to oregon recently i know what i'm talking about fried commodore is better i bet there's actually a pretty real georgia to organ pipeline for reasons that we probably shouldn't go into on this podcast Oregon strength coaches from georgia matter of fact The man with the mustache, the man with a very viral mustache. Coach Feld. Yeah, Aaron Feld. I looked it up and loose skin to dogs.biz is available.

Of course it is. You know why? South ain't on the internet yet. That's right. Still on dial-up. Speaking of, do the intros. Come on. We got a heck of a show dialed up for you.

There. That's a fact cool. Man, that's such a lie. Just some classic, some classic, some classic, some classic Pacific Northwest talk no no no we're gonna oh man we got we got we got so many good bits and skits and sketches

and spoofs and voices round tables so many guests man ain't none of that shit I'm gonna do the whole show is Kyle McLaughlin let's no don't say it people drop us right now damn it let's introduce everybody to the

to the flock whack-whack motherfuckers that's right the bill of goods if you will since we're out on the web

god damn you I know a truly foul a truly foul joke web like the feet of our host I will kill you so that would be Ryan Nanny

joining us from Brooklyn New York Brooklyn New York Can't smell Brooklyn without the Oh Big Fat, oh! Did you know Oregon's due to high school?

Because they used the same, oh, bitch, we did! Don't dare infringe! That is correct. That is correct. And ducks, you know, ducks native to Brooklyn. Didn't know that, but they are. New York invented ducks, and then Boston stole them, whiny bitches. Also, joining us from his new Oregon resident, late of Kennesaw, Georgia.

But now I believe ensconced nicely in Cannon Beach figures. Figures you'd move to the firearm-themed community. Jason Kirk. Can I hear the rainstorms tonight? I'm recording on the back porch. Never done that before until I moved here to Oregon. And it is, it sounds very Pacific Northwest. So if you pick up some extra ambiance, you're welcome.

Oh, you can hear it. Listen. Hold on, listen. you can hear them throwing fish. Hear that? Yep. There it is. That's amazing.

That's what we do all throughout the Pack 12 North. Anytime you go to a Stanford game, they're just throwing fish in the fan. Just in case a Monday night football camera is around. You never know. And you always want to be throwing fish, just in case. Joining us from his home in Tillamook, that'd be as he joins us every week,

Brian Floyd. Hello, Brian. oh hang all he's actually he's actually chipping in this week it's usually a little you're usually the silent glue that holds this podcast together but this is your territory so i thought we'd uh i thought we'd we'd have you on in a more vocal manner why would you say that he was the funniest person to hear me yet i can i can hear him every week i don't know what spencer's talking about no not a clue every week but every week listeners say my god you guys none of you may any sense, but Floyd, the points he was making really opened my eyes, and also he's hilarious. Really, I'm only able to speak to people in the Pacific Northwest, so it's like a dog

whistle. You can only hear it at certain tones. But like way more chill. Also, speaking a dog, no. Like a not racist dog, like literally a dog whistle. A high-pitched sound. We'll use a different word. Nope, that's me. That's when I'm here.

We were caught up on Papa John. Do we have to go back to Papa John? Do we have to go Papa John and have to trick? Yeah, because we hadn't recorded last time when they took the name off the stadium. Actually, Oregon State just dropped their Papa John's sponsorship deal. So, yes, this is Pack 12 North News. I forgot to mention where Ryan was from originally.

Wanker's Corner, Wanker's Corner, an actual town. This is the only work you do for this podcast, isn't it? I have several other choice, choice bits of work to contribute here. Jesus, great. And, like, for instance, I have the hometown. I demand to be allowed to choose my own hometown. Yeah, actually, across from us, Holly Anderson, joining us, as she always does. Wait, we can take our own hometowns?

No, you and I are, you and I are auto-jury characters. I wasn't born in Oregon. She wasn't born in Oregon. But she did move to a truly special community. Share it. Share your new hometown in Oregon with us. It's a cove along the lower Columbia River. that is technically in Washington State,

but I spend my days across the bridge in Astoria. Yes, in Clark's dismal niche. Dismal niche, the township unincorporated of Dismal Nitch, Washington, but technically Oregon, those bastards stole it, just like they steal everything. That's what they should call Twitter instead. It's more of a rest stop than a township. My needs are simple.

Dismal Nitch. Do you have bags on your feet this week now that I have to ask? No, I haven't done anything exceptional or interesting tonight. Yet. That feels like a lie. He walked into the kitchen tonight where I was eating fried chicken, de-gloved a piece of fried chicken, like a thigh with one hand, and then shoved the entire chicken skin into his mouth.

He said unusual, though. So far. Yeah, it was mild chicken, not spicy. That doesn't even count. That's a vegetable. Exactly. This is rough it, y'all. What I wanted to at least figure out what we could do tonight is leaning on the expertise of these assembled Oregon fans.

If we could kind of translate our magnificent division and conference to the rest of the nation. I feel like something that we're up to tonight. Yeah, I think how we should. how we should do this is we should let Brian who's in many ways the leader of the podcast sets the tone the head coach the most meaningful voice

what I would like Floyd to do is to give us an unfair assumption about the PAC 12 and then we can as a group debunk it or tear it to shreds does that work does that work for everybody yes sure we're doing it anyway

That's the spirit, man That's the fucking spirit See what Ryan just said about Floyd set in the tone That's the tagline right there I should care about the Pact 12 Because nobody cares about the Pact 12 Including the Pact 12 Oh shit

Straight for the heart I mean I'll go counterculture here You shouldn't You shouldn't because there's so much more in the world to care about it I mean, sure, it just means more in the SEC, but look at the world around you, man. Isn't that selfish in these times when you see what's going on in different communities and to the environment and with the economy? Like, shouldn't it mean less?

Isn't the better way to have it mean less? It means less. It can't mean less than it does to the Pac-12. Be a better person and be a Pac-12 fan. SEC fans, arguably the worst people in the world, by their own admission, because it means too much to them. Yeah, I'm taking all the time that I would normally devote as an SEC partisan telling sports writers that they should have their heads removed and then their neck stumps fucked to send those exact same letters to biodiesel executives.

I think that's a worthy argument. I, for instance, instead of devoting my time to watching what I would consider even a mildly excessive amount of football by trimming that out of my schedule. I have time for the pursuits that really I think only we in the Pact 12 North engage in like kite fishing. Fish kiting where you tie fish to a kite. No, that's where you try to pay for something with a fake fish. No, that's no, that's fish checking. That's check fishing. Ski blading.

that's where you ski on knives it's a rush you really really have to try it shortboarding that's where you take a long skateboard and you just trim it down to one set of wheels and you just see how it goes man see how it goes it's a trip

mountain dogging where you kidnap someone and convince them that they're a dog over several isolated weeks in a mountain pass best time I've ever had that's a club sport at Oregon next year I think you're all wrong. Pact 12 North football passion is off the charts. Watson Stadium, of course, is the loudest stadium in the country based on blog posts that say it is.

And the antics of the duck, of course. That's his name. The very passionate duck. His Christian name, the duck. Shoot, shit, man. You want an example of Pact 12 North Passion. Call that thing puddles. No, bro, no.

No. Bro. Bro. Bro. I'm sorry, man. Bro. I'm sorry. I just, I just hear that shit.

I flip out. Bro. That's not his name. Talking about Pact 12 North fans don't care. And that was the end of big duck energy after it was soon out of the distance. That was shallow, man. I mean, that's just, you know, a puddle is something a child jumps in. No, no.

Don't even. Don't even use it in the singular. You incredible asshole. See, most of the time I'm bro. But then when you make me want to fight, I get brolic. I go from bro to brolic like that. Brolyphic. Yeah, and then it gets bro lit when I get brolic.

What else really, really, really pisses off Pack 12 North fans? Literally nothing as much as that. The lack of Heisman attention. Hi. Why are we not getting more attention for this award? that we don't want to win because we don't think it's legit i mean we did win it what three years ago so stanford's problems are stanford's problems stanford's problems stanford's problems hey listen i think the market makes no mistake stanford sorry

stanford flourishing in the marketplace of ideas i'm just going to say is our packed i mean they are a pack 12 north brethren but like you know helping helping you isn't a me thing is it Right? Like, my highest priority in life is to just do me, right? So if you're on fire on the side of the road and I got a bladder full of piss, guess what? I'm toting it down the road, staying hydrated. It's my highest priority. That's how I felt about the Christian McCaffrey Heisman campaign, y'all.

Andrew Luck will be throwing passes for the Colts with his invisible hand this season, so it's exciting. I feel like we're still paying for that Joey Harrington stunt years and years ago. I wouldn't vote for us either. The Times Square business? Yeah, followed by the Jason Gessor grain silo one that we counted with. This was all just bad. There's also the fact that we put Achilles Smith into the league at all.

That's more of an accomplishment than anything. Yeah, I'm going to take credit for that. That was good. That was good. Like, think of all the SEC quarterbacks. Like, Aegean McCarran got a paycheck. Sorry, Achilles Smith's cool. He's totally cool.

They sent him to Cincinnati. That's like you can't send somebody to Cincinnati and expect him to be a success at anything. unless they're a mortician or an Oregon state grads some Oregon state grads could do it

which it's basically a mortician school with a football program I mean that's fine but like Joey Harrington you knew it wasn't going to work because like I know

we all love Joey like because you know it's an Oregon great but you can't have a guy to play piano you can't that's like the second lamest guy at the party

is the guy who cracks out the piano it just wasn't going to work the first lame shit yeah that is some USC shit that's some talent show shit like that's when you go to the talent show and everyone's like ha ha I'm gonna say how I can juggle like two balls right and then somebody sits down

they're like I'm gonna play Moonlight Sonata and they're like ah wanted it too much and wanting it too much and failing that's got Detroit Lions written all over it that hurts but I'll take it I'll take it love you Joey it's honest it's just honest I don't know what to tell you it should have been a key tar like if Joey Harrington would come out and like ripping on a key tar that would have been way cooler he still did throw one of the most beautiful play action passes i've ever seen against colorado in the bowl game and the holiday bowl it was absolutely stunning no one will ever take that from you in the alternate universe where he goes uh instead of joey harrington his full name's john joseph harrington where he goes by j j harrington and plays key tar he's already won five super bowls he's amazing he might also have been a three-point shooting dude at b yu if his name is j j jay harrington he's playing a keytar like he might have been the cool guy from b yu like key tar is probably uh an honor code violation key tar is a major at b yu are you kidding me key tar is like a little bit like the version of instruments having unorthodox sex right i mean a keytar has a guitar in it so

wait what what i mean technically yeah it does whoa it's kind of like the Pact 12 North having a cow in it you just forget it and then you're like whoa it's still there man it's part of the architecture it's crazy Brian as our as our resident Pact 12 North expert can you give us our next unfair myth

oh that Oregon is all style and no substance oh shit yeah we don't actually have a lot of style oh why is why is why style, not substance. Isn't that what art is? I'm so tired of these

these. Future fascism is a style. Come on. Near future. Near all the time. I mean, I get that you love brutalist architecture, okay? But it doesn't, you can

flash things up a little bit sometimes. What's wrong with that? In fact, I actually would like to take this opportunity to issue a formal cease and desist order to the Georgia Bulldogs for infringing upon Oregon's rightful trademark

to scoring the absolute living hell out of the opponent in third quarters of games. Last year, Georgia led the country in that category. Oregon fell all the way to 123rd and third quarter point differential behind Kansas, Maryland,

UVA. Georgia, you have been served with notice. Give it back to us. We deserve that. That was our thing, and you took it from us, you sons of fucking bitches. Yeah, and then they tried to cover it up by losing their national title game to an Alabama-based flagship school

in last-minute, heartbreaking fashion instead of sit-on-neck, foregone conclusion fashion. Wow, they complain about missed calls. Again, that's a thing that we do. Michael Dyer was down. Michael Dyer was down. Not only was Michael Dyer down when we played him, he was down last year in the National Championship game

two somehow. I'd like to tear down the fourth wall for a second. He got to the audience and whisper that, yeah, no shit. Michael Dyer was down forever. Yeah, no, that's real. Yeah, that's real. Listen, we are only very barely in character on these things. Michael Dyer was down.

I mean, we'll go back in a second, but he was down, down, down, down, down. Yeah. Let me just point out that, like, nobody stopped Cam Newton all year long, except for two teams. Kentucky and Oregon. the two greatest football programs in the nation. And who they also stopped, Michael Dyer. That's right, because he was down. Who was down and remains down.

Also, the whole style, no substance thing. Like, people were talking, what, last week about Iowa State's new uniforms. Calm down. I love that argument coming from, like, all over the country, the Midwest, the South, where, like, every fucking time there's some new social media graphic with the little Nike logo on it. You know, you see the replies and whatever social media you're looking at.

Oh, yeah, now we're looking cool. Now the recruits will like us and all this stuff. Man, shit. Like, whose style do you think this is? Where do you think that all came from? I like the other version of that reply, which is, we need to focus on winning football games, not dressing up for Sunday church.

Which is sort of like, why don't we just play in burlap set? We didn't earn it. Why don't we play in uncomfortable? Hey, hey, you, Hey, you social media director who posted this tweet, run some laps. Play at a hospital gown till you show you could win like a champion. You play

like a patient. You play in the swaddling cloth you were put in on your first night on earth. I don't care if it only fits your head. I don't care if it's not comfortable and your genitals are exposed. Get your balls out, son.

Can I just can I just says we wouldn't be having this discussion as Oregon fans if we can solve one simple problem which I will tell you this if Brian our Pact 12 expert and the grandfather of this podcast okay who wants to put this out there we'll have to fight it remember we have problems with the Pact 12 one thing that Pact 12 fans enjoy doing more than anything else is complaining about their own conference and how inept poorly run this visionary pile of crappy futurist ideas is okay four 428 individual regional networks,

one of which is marketed to your uncle, Ron. It is. It's Ron Vision. Arizona's on it all the time for some reason. And he hates Arizona. He hates Arizona. He does. It's so poorly managed.

So poorly. Why do you have a UHF station broadcasting Boise State games? They're not even in your conference. Ron just wants to watch episodes of the Golden Girls. Why don't you show Ron the Golden Girls? He's being detained. Ron is out there fighting. Golden Girls, not the Golden Bears.

Are they in the conference? Yes, Cal's in the Pac-12. But the one thing that I think we can fix is as Oregon fans. It is called the Rose Bowl. Just real quickly. Marinate on that. Golden Girls is the Pac-12. Let's move on.

The one thing I would change as an Oregon fan here on, Big Duck Energy. Big Duck! is this, we have to stop playing Arizona. There's no reason every time Oregon gets close to greatness, we're forced to play Arizona. First of all, not even in our division. Second of all, might not even be a real place.

Have you ever seen Tucson? I haven't. Bullies in the stadium. I think it's a false flag, the entire program. Because one, they took our beloved Dennis Dixon and his fourth ACL from us. Can't talk about that. and his fifth.

It's not fair. Also, 2014. 2014, cruising along towards an undefeated season, towards one of the most amazing offensive productions ever in the form of one, Marcus Marietta. That's correct. Marcus Marietta, go look at the numbers. Absolutely insane season.

One over 1,000 yards rushing, 4,000 yards passing. Easily. You want to talk about Heisman. That was so obvious. Even East Coast voters voted for him. That's how bad it was. that's how much better Marcus Marriota was than everybody and what ruined it

and what thanks to he lives in Nashville now that ruined it no no no something ruined it before then a guy in Arizona we had to play Arizona there's no reason to play Arizona no is Arizona is Arizona the South Carolina of the Pack 12 the team that only exists to fuck up but like I know we throw that we throw that lob at Auburn a lot but Auburn occasionally like does something of consequence

South Carolina I feel like it's just like yep you 17, 14, fuck off. And the difference is Arizona does it. Yep, beat you 42, 14. Fuck off. 42, 41, but yeah. Yeah, or 31, 24. Fair.

You lose to a two-star linebacker named Scooby. That's not even a thing. Shouldn't even be real. What happened to him? What happened to that guy? Tested positive for snacks. That's what. Did it ever disturb you on Scooby-Doo, by the way, that, like, the dog and the guy ate the same thing?

Like, Scooby snacks, and Shaggy's like, hell, yeah, T-M-up. That's something that, like, your six-year-old does to make you laugh is, like, eat milk bones occasionally. It's drugs. The dog likes drugs. That's worse. Shaggy was real skinny, man. Like, Shaggy needed to eat something. He was not in great shape.

Was he gluten intolerant? That was the only thing he could tolerate. Slinky-Dew. It was, like, bone meal. like just chunks of bone meal and the dog didn't know any better because it has dog taste buds and he's like I'm bone meal and Shaggy's like

I just want to walk I just want to be able to walk more than 20 yards it's not getting winded there are a lot of deleted scenes Scooby Doo where he has a regular sandwich and then shits his brains out that's why they were always running why are these in here

Casey Casey wanted to do the noises I don't know what to tell you he loves making those anguish shitting noise We don't even come. He just comes in here and makes angry shitting noises and we delete them later. The man's insane. Yeah, I think that's my, that's my, my one complaint against the conference is this, we have to stop playing Arizona. There's no reason.

And my argument is this. It's just not necessary. It's not necessary to play Arizona. I don't know that Arizona would dispute that. No. So we will continue playing Arizona. As long as Washington has to keep playing Arizona State because, we'll all recall last year,

the most hilarious and delightful game of 2017 when Washington, after berating ESPN for not giving enough attention to them for beating the likes of Rutgers in Portland State or whatever, went and lost the Arizona State. And not just lost, but lost by, like, scoring six points against one of the worst defenses in the country. I thought that was pretty great. So that was one really good scheduling move by the Paxball.

I definitely paid attention to that. Is that the game where they put cupcakes on the field? Yeah. Okay. Or the game after that. It was right around that time. Like, it was, if it was any coach less than Chris Peterson, everyone had said, maybe he should focus on what's going on on the field.

Because it's Chris Peterson, you know, Mr. Perfect, do not wrong. I'm definitely saying this in character. in actual i actually do think he is perfect can't do no wrong but as an oregon fan he heard you i know i'm sorry coach and because this is the cc he doesn't have to pretend to forgive you oh god that's true but that was hilarious when they lost to arizona state hey let me just let me just remind you that last year in the year of our lord 2017 and by our lord not our lord i i mean le michael james uh this non-conference record versus power five teams oh look at you mighty SEC seven and eight versus power five teams oh that's 46.7 percent i bet that's a passing grade

in mississippi public schools guess what you got in the pack 12 that's salute that's salutatory and shit yeah seven and three bitch 70 percent that's right we're on 70 percent of our games against power five teams don't don't look up which ones 70 percent we're just gonna know we're just going, we're just going to lean on it. They were all Nebraska and it doesn't matter how. Hey, we're on at least a two and no streak against Rutgers and they invented football. So that's right. That's right.

You know what the big 12 sitting at? Four and seven. That's a 36.4% mark versus Power 5 teams in non-conference. So, you know, there's no defense for that, which is appropriate for the Big 12. Am I right? And the PAC 12 is not only not afraid to schedule FCS teams, we're not afraid to lose to them as well to spread the wealth

matter of fact you lose to an FCS team sometimes it really gets your season going it's a little jolt coach can come in there and take a break from like retweeting alt-write accounts and say like

well I guess we're not as good as we thought we can lose literally anybody's maybe you guys should practice harder not go running into a wall you can say all that shit media members can say like Hey, can you tell us about kangaroos, coach? It's hilarious.

Washington State should take over the Papa John's endorsement. Like Mussolini. Wazoo is going to break out a Papa John's deal in like the next 48 hours. Announced by their coach. Oh, it's adorable. They wouldn't even be paid. I don't even be paid. I think it's the greatest pizza on earth.

I've been, I've been to 47 countries. I think I'd know. Oh, but by... Nothing about Washington's safe football implies better ingredients, though. Well, listen, last week we disprove the notion that better ingredients make better pizza, so now we've got to work on the better ingredients part. Three-star ingredients, hopefully. Y'all, let me, you know, can Papa John use the trademark at this point?

Because he's been booted out. Like, there's no way he owns that, right? So, no. No, so he has to start a new name, which I think, you know, it's kind of probably, if it goes for like daddy wans because you know half his fan base really isn't going to be down with with won what about what about single uncle jays single uncle jesus divorce daddy pizza that's divorce daddy pizza divorce divorce divorce jays pizza we put fireball inside the crust of all of it we don't tell you about it divorce daddy pizza sounds like something you You go to, like, some tiny, you go to, like, Mongolia and there's, like, a knock-off Papa John's. I thought Divorce Daddy Pizza was Tatinos. Oh.

So there's some listener out there is like, somebody's eating it right now. If you're eating it right now, let us know. If you're reading it right now, please tweet it, Holly, if you're eating Tatinos right now. At Celebrity Hot Tub. especially if you're Stephen Godfrey especially if you're Stephen Godfrey in doing this that's why I feel bad for my married friends who were on that

I have to see the only reason I feel safe like there's no reason to be a married guy and to be on some like extreme divorce guy shit there's not like when you got a married guy and he's like yeah I'm just a mind of wearing some tinoes by myself plenty of time for that after you actually run her slash him off fellas yeah Spencer I think you're conflating reason and excuse yeah because the reason

reason is like, I don't know, I felt like it. I was playing Mario tennis and I didn't want to eat Tatinos. That's a reason. You know, you're coming real close. You're sailing, you're not quite hitting the coast with me, but you're, you're within sight of it. Oh, no, that was a bull's eye over here. Yeah. Ryan, put up a Twitter poll when this goes live and ask what listeners, what percentage of listeners have Tatinos in their gullets right now as they saw that tweet. No problem. actually forget everything at the minute we publish this. It's a solid 35%.

So it's fine. It's okay, so does, yeah. Wait, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we? Well, it's gonna happen again. Uh-oh, Ryan's doing a jing yank twins, boys, folks. He's gonna keep it up for the next hour. Wait till you see my duck. Like quack, quack, quack, quack.

I'm stupid and I've made bad choices. Oh, so many. It's the problem here. I have no one to be mad at but myself. Oh. Hey, listeners, the shutdown forecast. I want to tell you about a new podcast, the Arthur Brooks show. That's me, Arthur Brooks, and I'm president to the American Enterprise Institute. I'm making a new podcast with Vox Media.

Now, as president of AEI, that's a Washington think tank. I see bitter disagreement all the time, and it's terrible. We need some way to disagree, not less, but, better. So this is a series that looks at the art of disagreement. The first episode is out July 12th. Find it on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. And most of all, subscribe right now. I wanted to do a quick thought exercise first. I wanted to do ahead and translate this. Hey, SEC fan, I'll talk slowly for the next couple of minutes just to work in. Okay. I didn't want to interrupt your Q and on browsing.

or, you know. For TOTino's pizza tips. Dude, I'm just listening to Alex Jones eating this Tito's Loving America right now. Tito's Pizza Hacks. That's all I'm doing, is that ain't Spanish, is it? See, I'm in, I'm celibate, but because I love fishing too much,

I'm a fin cell. But as you can tell from the Totinos, definitely not a fin cell. cell, as it turns out. No, no. If thick sell were a thing, unfortunately, it would be me. I'll slow

down, and I'm going to go ahead and translate this so that you can follow along, and we're going to take you through the Pack 12 North, and we're going to explain which team translates to your team. For instance, Oregon, I'm going to go

ahead and say is bizarre Obama. If you just take everything about Alabama and flip it backwards except for the overall quality, the results need to be flipped backwards, but the overall quality, you get this. We're an offensive first team. We change our uniforms all the time.

Unlike your dreary, dull, red togs that you never, ever change. Didn't even change back when red meant that you were anti-American. I thought he said you had togs. That's right. I said togs. Go look up go look it up it's not a tin dog it's it's another meaning go look it up um and we don't really play that

much we we don't really play that much defense and we've had bad experiences against ohio state and we've had bad yeah so actually and we beat auburn micha's i was down we hate auburn too we we absolutely hate auburn so um and also everything about your state is opposite nars you horrible humid bug infested uh dystopia us we got portland we got eugene everything's great and awesome unlike your state which is not we do have a corvallis but that's kind of where we quarantine all our Bama we got that's that's the Auburn that's the Auburn of of the Pact 12 and a shared history of institutional racism that we'd rather not talk about yeah or is it the Starkville is it is that's now we're getting closer okay Corbellis is the Starkville now Washington State again look on your map way up way up yeah uh up left it's the have they got left it's hold out your hand if it has if it spells an L

It's the sinister hand. The one your grandmother didn't let you point at her at because of Steelers' Thumbs. By the left, did you go all the way around the globe? I did. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I went across the hemis flat all the way to the left. To get up to... Wait, did they really say that? Yeah. No. It's the hemis flat. That sounds like something Kyrie Irving came up with. Yeah.

Kyrie Irving. I'm a compatible. so you say wazoo's offense isn't well-rounded we say nothing is Washington State that's Pullman I think I can make a strong argument that Washington State it's Bizarro Auburn how excited is the readership going to be to find out how much time we spent talking about Bama so excited okay because you know Pact 12 fans love nothing more than deep detailed discussions of SEC microcultures the great news is there's not that many of them and you won't get this far

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's Bizarro Auburn. What's my reward for waiting through a half hour of this bullshit? Insults! Congratulations! We're self-deprecating as Oregon fans. They're the solid ones. You can at me, but I'll be asleep.

Yeah. Let's see. And unlike some Pac-12 teams, she'll block you. Wazoo, you don't even need to throw in Bizarro in all this. Wazoo is just Arkansas. Yeah, that's fine. It's a perfect parallel. you think Arkansas 49 48

simple over time the game ends with the dumbest shit you've ever seen and there's a fight in the stands and the coach grunts and shug your shoulders at the end we really used to like this coach too and you're kind of not sure what his body shape looks like actually we're very sure of Brett Bieland's

no it's a tourist no he kind of is got like big old wine remember the station wagon yeah A bipedal Ford tourist station wagon. We finally figured out of the body time. I call it the Brickshaw.

Someone described my body type of place. There's endomorph, ezo morph, mectomorph, and beelomorph. Bealomorph. Oh, man. Somebody's going to shop that at you. I would also point out that like like Bert with the mouth coming out and it's a tinier bert in there. Somebody's going to Photoshop that.

It's an anamorphs cover where a ju-jubi turns into Brett Pilema. Also, I think in the 21st century, Arkansas and Washington State have been to the same number of Rose Bowl. So that's, isn't that correct? God damn, dude. Coos were robbed 98. Michigan didn't deserve that. Agreed. Tell him, Floyd.

Still three seconds left. There's still time on that clock. Ryan leaves will swing it out there right now. Just setting him back out. It's fine. We've got time. He does have time. The Washington.

Now, Washington's kind of tricky. I'm just going to say this. Washington. Bizarro, Florida. Common Link, serial killers. Good in the 90s. Good in the 90s. Proximity to water.

Right? Body parts. Weird body parts. just washing up very very common incredibly bad within the last decade true true Washington took a little bit further but yeah did they lose to an FCS team that year you know what they didn't I don't think they did maybe Sack State I don't know don't look we'll just count it Georgia Southern's worse it's way worse they didn't they didn't attempt to pass I'm sure the team that Washington lost to in the FCS attempted a pass so we'll go ahead and count it all right

let's see different like bizarro species you go from like mammal to reptile that's true different completely different climates one is like pleasant and temperate and the other is literally hell so people actually live in seattle nobody lives in gainsville nobody and he stables lives in gainsville and he controls it sort of like a barter town system he's like he's master blaster yeah Jesus both both Both fan bases take boats to these stadiums. The only difference being Washington's is actually on the water. Yeah, ours on the trailer. Ours is Cuddy Sark. By ours, of course, they mean Florida's. We rely on a little man named Captain Morgan to get us to the stadium.

He's an official, he's actually a law enforcement official in Florida. He's allowed to conceal carry, all right? Back off. He is. Yes, that's true. One thing we do, Sharon. comment insane white people insane white people basically that's that's the same god rex grossman could have been a great you dumb quarterback we wouldn't have made any of them quarterback Rex Grossman could

have killed three men with it like with a spear in Seattle and no one would have heard of it because it's in the pack 12 I know so many things about Rex Grossman I shouldn't know because he was in the SEC and if he'd gone to Washington and he'd run an actual quailude ring we would have never heard about it. Let's just rec con that now. Rex Grossman, Washington's greatest ever quarterback. It is so. Rex is a dog's name, so he'd be good.

Look, I mean, look at that dude knowing, having heard nothing else about this team ever. Look at that dude's picture and tell me you wouldn't buy his name being Joey Harrington. He's got kind of a Joey, a Joey face. Yeah. What's more, like, listen. If you left Joey Harrington in water too long. We were talking like doughy Harrington. Broie Harrington.

There it is. Let's see, Cal. There is no analog for Cal. Vanderbilt. No. Yeah, it's Vanderbilt. It's all right. How is it not Vanderbilt?

How is it Old Miss? How is it Old Miss? No, Volatility. Volatility in NFL Town. Because it's Arkansas with more expensive shirts. And an air of gentility that is neither deserved nor particularly historically backed up except an expensiveness. Yeah, and like tons of talent coming through with zero to show for it. Also kind of a cultural psychosis surrounding everything they do, right?

And built on, like, how's this built on a disaster? Old Miss, or Cal built on a literal fault line. Old Miss built in Mississippi. So, both of them. Lord willing, the earth will claim both of them soon. Spencer's Twitter handle is Celebrity Hot Tubb. Yeah, that's Celebrity Hot Tub. And this is SBN recruiting.

If you want to ask Azure. All right, no. This is the one to tell people to tweet at Godfrey. They probably think he put us up to it. It's fine. All right. Who are you going to make Stanford then? well they can't

so Stanford standard belt I mean come on yeah no okay but Stanford's good yeah at what school all sports they win the all sports trophy every year they do they win that nerd conference

of champions branding just because Stanford's good at like I mean okay so that's a primary that's a primary difference yeah quit quidditch Vandy has one title ever in bowling wait wait wait Stanford is Texas A&M Oh, I like where this is called So like crazy cult

That no one else can Like imagine trying to intervice with a Stanford person As an actual human I just want to see the Aggie prison experiment now Suspiciously good at cooking things Which makes you wonder how they got so good at it And what they got so good practicing on Stanford's good at cooking

What the hell are you talking about? Stanford tailgates are lit. I'm not kidding. No, they really are. No, I'm not kidding. The closest comparison I would come up with for a Stanford tailgate. I think I've said this on the show before is Tuscaloosa, but like the quad at Tuscaloosa where all the moms with their, their escalades pull up and like pull out the, the white tablecloth tail, the white tablecloth bama tailgate is Stanford. Their smoked meat game is outstanding. It's weird. It's not, it's not that confusing. They're all James Bond villains, and James Bond villains all

have excellent private chefs. Yeah. No, exactly. Also, one Aggie parallel, band-centric, like if Stanford is Bizarro, Texas, AMM, that's literally opposite bands. Band-related habits that you do not understand. Yeah, if you took everything

about the A&M band, and you reversed it, it's the Stanford band. All right? Right down to this. And also, weirdly hard to drive to, but for different reasons. Yeah. That's true. I just want you to imagine David Shaw at A&M. Oh no. No. I don't I wouldn't wish. Why would you wish that on him? Listen, I'm not the one who made this comparison. At the school where like you get fired for going eight and four, yeah. Love you

A&M. How, how? David Shaw would just show up and be like, well, I like dogs, but I have a slight allergy. Get the fuck out. Get out. Wait, you go the other way that though. What if you put Jimbo versus that's like a language barrier issue make Jimbo take a photo with the tree can you imagine

the like you know I got to tell you voice to text software would leap forward by a good 15 years we can transcribe directly from his brain I have never thought

of a coach having a language barrier issue between him and his fan base but this would be it I can actually no I can you know I can totally

see Jim though like winning him over being like yeah I think you should be able to sell babies but the Hoover Institute oh my god you're right because he's completely genially amoral he might get along there he would I was watching a science documentary called iRobot that's what y'all folks around here do right will Smith really made something of himself I do you know why David Shaw's awesome at Stanford because I get the feeling that he looks up sometimes and goes there are too many people in the stands is he Thanos yeah no I just think he's the most like the most literal situational

libertarian and then he just genuinely wants to be left alone with his notebooks yeah no he's like we could get our signals off so much more clearly if there were fewer people here I think I'm gonna slow the game down so everybody's quiet this a private party we just want to get to the punch it's contrary to everything I love about football like I love about scheme he doesn't do anything schematically that I like, but I love Stan from football so much. And that weird, irrational love is another thing that I feel for Texas A&M, a place I

absolutely should not have affection for. You got a lot. You got a lot going on. Hey. It's fine. I think have we assigned everybody in the Pac-12 north? I think we said that Oregon State was definitely Mississippi State, and that Corvallis was Starkville.

Oregon State could also be Kentucky because Oregon State's claim to fame is they made a final four, like thousand years ago so basketball school total basketball school solved done sold so that's what they're good at i like that we completely assigned it brian do you have another unfair stereotype for us to refute boldly not really unfair but why the game so damn late uh because we want you to enjoy time with your family why is the sun so fucking far away how many how many big 10 children have had soccer games go unintended by their parents, have not been able to go to various art camps or other enriching activities, have sat lonely in their rooms, hoping that someone would come

read to them because their dipshit father had to watch the Illinois game. You know where that doesn't happen? The Pack 12. We wait for you to have a full day with your children. Enjoy the wonders that are parenthood and then watch your team lose. actually in Eugene Oregon all children soccer games kick off at 1130 Eastern

I mean I look at this differently why are why are fucking ACC games so early why is Duke kicking off at 9 a.m. You know it's their problem not ours yeah you got to check in with your parole officers at noon yeah maybe

I mean I know Washington State does oh I was talking about Duke Washington State's parole officer is probably drunk So it's fine Duke like they like employ parole their parole officers Washington States like I check in with myself I am the parole officer Do you think Washington State leads

FBS in self tasering accidents Nope Miami is still a place Yeah no no unintentional self taser It's not like for a stunt Not like fun okay Yeah not fair not festive self taser not easter related self tasering is Ohio State the one where it's like dueling with tasers

yes absolutely Roman candle for accidents that's actually like how that's legally Ohio State's own version of the hammerobic code whoever wins a taser duel yeah is is the mayor this is how phantom mena should have gone watch this Someone has to sit there and sing the fight There's a good taste of noise to it again

Thank you Yeah It smears the bronzer Don't do that, bro Most meathead fan base I will never stop laughing at what meatheads Everyone at Ohio State is Unlike us are in the facts all north

We eat fish We eat fish and lean meats and vegetables Yeah, fish heads. Pescatarian heads. I mean, listen, man, I don't look like I'm all that fit, but I can, like, standing up paddleboard all day. Like, I could just get out on that thing and just go. Yeah, I agree.

The thing I really love about water activities is not touching the water with any part of my body. It's the best part. Just put my dog on there, you know? Yeah, here in the back to all north. Everywhere we go, there's a fucking dog close behind. Every person must have a dog. Yeah.

Also, we're not, like, uptight about drugs. Oh, the dogs are cops. Wait, hey, the dogs are cool cops. They're cool cops. Yeah. The dog is my pro-loxer. The cops are dogs. Yeah.

I did enjoy, though, when I was out in, like, Hood River, the guy that I was, I'm not making this up. The guy that I was learning to kiteserf from was, he rolled up in a, that part's not made up. This is where people. No, I know. I know. The guy that I was learning to kiteser from, and that I'm really bad at. like really like bad for me yet he rolled up in a Subaru Outback with like a Cheech and Chong cartoonish industrial smoke outlet level of like smoke flying out of the Outback and he was high as hell

and he was telling me he goes yeah man like I you know I was driving and like I crossed the line up state line over like you know Utah once and I was like how much we did you have in the car. He goes, I mean, I had two pounds. And I mean, bought it at Trader Joe's. So a weekend trip. And he goes over and like, he's like, I get pulled over six feet into Utah. Like apparently like he was doing, he goes, you know, I was just driving around. And the way I just saw him pull up, I was like, so enormous chimney. How fast you're going 170? Is that a problem? Kalani Sataki does not fuck around I like the six feet in thing

because it's like the cops saw him coming like they just saw the big billow over the horizon They're like oh shit a dragon darn it Darn it we got another one Cops slowly like lowering his magazine lowering his phone Taking time to it just as hot Maybe putting on some lip balm with some SPF

It's a little bit bright out there You know tugging up one of his socks That has kind of started to fall down stretching and then maybe getting out of the car now hit the siren quick roll of the shoulders you know maybe check his teeth for anything weird

I mean I think the dude had like every possible signifier right like he had panic playing he had a dog in the car who was probably also carrying right and they get in six feet the Utah get pulled over

they have it waiting on the side of the road and the guy says the cop stop because he got tired of pulling weed out of my car that's it that's right that's the that's the hurry up that's the hurry up

no huddle right you make the defense tire itself out that's right it's a volume game it is he scored so literally he scored so many points you gave that cop too many reps he did

he ran so many plays on the cop and got so many snaps the cops laying on the highway like oh I'm cramped and there's pack 12 fans boom What the Utah cop told him was this. He said, I'm going to take what I can carry back to the car.

This is a fucking Oregon trail shit. It is. He's like, I'm going to take what I can carry back to the car. You have killed 60 pounds of buffalo weed. Basically, the trooper was like, the trooper was like, I can't fit all this in the car and put it in evidence. We don't have, like, they're going to think I'm running weed. Oh, I've got, I've got this.

soccer goals for the kids practice stay in the trunk so what Utah don't have evidence rooms like they don't have crimes no they're all Mormons the evidence room are very small the evidence rooms are very small they're made to contain like diet

Coke cans we have an evidence coffee table does that count I think here in Utah we only have very tiny novelty miniature crime shift a robe put it in the put it in the evidence cubby I think

God, we've been robbed by Ant Man again. I think it just got to the point where he was like, if I take any more than this, I have to open a trafficking case, and that's a lot of paperwork. So he just told the guy, he's like, take the rest of it, take your dog. So if you're fucking like Big Meach or Pablo Escobar, go through Utah. Sir, I need to ask you, are you Sicario in Utah? Or did he make him turn around and go back to Oregon? No, he just told him to turn around going to go back to Oregon.

Take that attitude back to Oregon, buddy. So he called his friend, and he's like, yeah, road trip canceled, bro. Wait, road trip canceled because we're down to like a pound and a third. We're down to a pound in a third weed. Can't make it that far. I've only got two bales left. I kind of wanted him to just take a mule across, right? We're going to die out of here.

Yeah. That was not a made-up story. That part was true. Jesus. You guys ever notice when things are starting to go wrong, but you're maybe, like maybe you've seen this in your own life, in your football program that things are slowly starting to move backwards, but you know,

you've never really had a problem before. Like say you've only ever had like three and a half coaches in the entire span of your football program and it's never really been an issue. And then all of a sudden things are going drastically fucking wrong. But by the time they're drastically fucking wrong, it's a little bit late to try and catch it. Except now.

Yeah. Sounds familiar. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and it's nothing you did wrong. You've always been a good person and a good football program. And maybe somebody wrote a check to somebody sometime, but I don't see what the big fucking deal about it is. Maybe the NCAA back off and pay more attention to USC.

And sometimes you promote your second offensive coordinator in a row that maybe wasn't the best move. And sometimes you just comb that shit over. Because he looks really good in hat, okay? We didn't know what was under it. We didn't know what was under it in terms of hair or offensive power. Speaking of not knowing what's under your hat, 66% of men lose their hair by age 35.

Think of your hair as a national championship. Tennessee's never getting it back. Think of it as a what? I'm an Oregon fan. Think of it as a bowl game against Kansas State. Winnable, but you will lose. Think of it as a national championship. Bama's claiming a lot more than they've got.

Wow. Wow. So the point is you don't have to go this direction. I like that this means USC has fake hair. Yeah. Like the NCAA shaved USC's head. Anyway, carry on. Yeah.

I mean, does Clay Helton have any hair? Nobody knows what he looks like. Stop bringing that up. Exactly. That's why his name Clay. You mold him into whatever you want him to be or look like. your beautiful hairless gollum clay helton uh but you don't have to be like that you can go to forehems.com f-or-h-i-m-s dot com slash shutdown you do that you get a trial month of hymns for just

five dollars today right now while supplies last five dollars technically could be uh you know money you're not supposed to give a recruit again organ none of these things were ever proved against Oregon. And because Oregon is so honorable, we didn't win a national championship while under the cloud of these allegations because we believe in fair play and doing it the right way, unlike Auburn and USC. Cheaters to the end. Michael Dyer was down. Just like the cost of hymns when you use our offer code, shut down. As in Michael Dyer was. Michael Dyer was shut down by the Oregon defense, but the refs, refs cheated us once again. Scam Newton. Should we talk about the schedule at all.

Absolutely. Also, did Floyd quit on us? Floyd, are you there? I can hear him. What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time. Don't do this to me. He's always here, dummy. Let's do the schedule, please.

Like him, the Pac-12 schedule is a well-known generic equivalent to a name brand. You know what? Athletes make a mistake when they train. And it's a common mistake. and you shouldn't make it. You know what that mistake is? You go too easy on your hard days and you go too hard on your easy days.

Oregon, not making that mistake this year, okay? easing end of the season, all right? Opening game, Bowling Green. That's a win. Portland State. Unless you're Washington State, that's probably a win. Oregon's not Washington State because Washington State has more coaching continuity at this point.

That's true. It's absolutely true. You can't run from that. You know, we got a Mario now, So we're going to win, but And just like Mario, we passed them all. We passed them all. San Jose State should be fine, right?

Yeah, these are our easy days. We're warming up. You know why? We got a hard day against Stanford. That's a durable team. They're tough, but they got to come. They got to come to the nest. So here's what I want to do.

I want to predict the rest of the schedule. All right, we're starting three now. Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack. Yeah. Every other game I want to, every other game in the North, I want to predict based purely on the most important metric in college football, your best business graduate. Oregon, who do we got? You know who we got.

We got Big Bad Phil Knight, right? Who's Stanford's best graduate in the field of business? Oh, what's that? It's also Phil Knight because he got a master's there. Hey, way to originate nothing, Stanford. way to just steal from other people W. At Cal Do you know who Cal claims

the co-founders of MySpace, the co-founder of the Gap, and the co-founder of Hot Pockets? Cal is a school of hotpons. Washington. Your best grad is a man by the name of Peter

Adkison who started Wizards of the Coast. Spencer, I think you are the most nerd adjacent here. Can you tell us what Wizards of the Coast is? No, I've had sex, and I don't know what that is. You know what it is, you fucking liar. God damn it, it's a role-playing game company. You're the most wizard-like and the most coastily adjacent.

Yeah, it's a role-playing game. Which is the coast had all kinds of dope-ass role-playing games. Oh, my God, they made magic. Y'all calm down. God damn it. Uh, wazoo, you have Paul Allen, the Ringo star of Windows. Congratulations. Hey, still got that Beatles money, though.

I respect, I respect Paul Allen so much because he got rich and he was like, I'm an asshole. He never, what are you going to do? I'm going to build a yacht. And buy. Hey, no, say this for Paul Allen. He's not on fucking Twitter. That's right. Paul Allen's not on Twitter.

Elon Musk, you loser. He probably doesn't know how to install it on his Microsoft Windows computer. He probably still uses a big old sat phone. Why do you think he made windows like that? He probably has a phone that makes the startup noise. I don't know how to install Twitter. I don't have disc four. Shit.

And yet, we're all better for it. Oregon State, your most business successful grad is Leonard Schoen, the founder of U-Haul. That's right. Your best grad literally founded the way to pack up and leave. Some extremely Oregon State shit. none of the South games matter because nobody in the Pack 12 South is worth a shit except USC who we don't play UCLA is not a big deal because Chip Kelly is always will always be a duck he'll always be a duck um just chalk up a loss of Arizona there's no reason there's no reason no talk of a loss

it's fine we got to go to Arizona which yeah it's a tradition we have several traditions here one of them is beating Washington one of them's losing to Arizona it's like how you get bronchitis once a year more like too soon god damn it