Shutdown Fullcast - Coaches as pro wrestlers: 2020 draft

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Time once again for the college football internet's single most reliable content: PICKING COACHES WHO SHOULD FIGHT EACH OTHER Holly, Jason, and Spencer are each managing their own stables, drafting FBS head coaches to build five-man tag teams You, the Podcast Readership, have also filled out a draft board and get a five-coach team of your own Ryan is not here, so we're giving him all the lowest-voted coaches from your draft board Ryan's team will be competing for the Intercontinental title at absolute most Tell a friend about our stupid podcast! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Did I hear you're shopping for a car? Because I've been at it for ages. Such a time suck, right? Not really. I bought it on Carvana. Super convenient. Oh, then comes all the financing, research. Am I right?

Well, you can, but I got pre-qualified for a Carvana auto loan in like two minutes. Yeah, but then all the number crunching and terms, right? Nope. I saw real numbers as I shopped, found my dream car, and got it in a couple of days. Wait, like you already have it? Yep. Oh. Go to Carvana.com to finance your car the convenient way.

welcome to the shutdown fullcast this is the internet's only college football podcast if you want another one too bad this is it y'all by god that was the shutdown fullcast music intros what would like if we were wrestlers what would i mean would i would want for an opening song I would want one that we actually had to sing because the best opening song for any wrestler ever is the Big Show's anthem. Jason, would you like to remind everyone why that is?

Because it appears that he is singing it. And on Twitter, there is a legendary tweet that says, Big Show was the damn show in the booth. Tom about, well! I enjoy it because of the accuracy in advertising. Sean Mike, of course, sings his own theme song whose lyrics are

I'm a sexy boy which is very excellent when he was doing his match against the Undertaker and he was the angel descending from heaven he was the holy warrior coming down to defeat the devil

to the tunes of himself singing about how sexy he is as a boy I had a kid a crucifix on his back clad in white and a sexy boy normal Tuesday shit I don't think you'll ever get a better a more accurate one than the big shows though

because the big show states it's the big show and then the big show comes out it's the Billy Joel song of wrestling right it's the it's the resignation in the well you know like well well it's the big show case you wanted a medium show too bad y'all all we got is this big show over here You're on a medium show. You tune into AEW. Yeah. It's one.

I did see something before we tackle some business and the topic of the day, which, by the way, is it both an internet classic and, yes, wrestling-related for college football. It's the off-season, y'all. We're going to go ahead and we're going to make meat out of the whole animal. Okay? If we kill it, we're going to use every part. Okay. All right. are animals made of meat before they're dead yes potential meat every animal is potential meat you just have to think of it that way all right you're very sage so the one thing that i was i was thinking when we were going okay uh talking about the medium show in a e w is this i saw something that i really wish we could do in college football okay because sean michael's in a match this week took the camera from the camera person

right after who he had who he had whipped up on i believe cody roads what is this christianco is hmm yeah it's chris jericho yeah it's chris jericho so chris jericho legend already just amped up his already

sizable legacy by taking an actual camera from a camera person on the broadcast pointing it at a prone and bloodied Cody Rhodes and then holding out the middle finger in front of the lens so that he was getting that shot and they could get

him getting the shot of someone flicking him off. I guarantee you if Florida absolutely houses a team I hate this fall. Oh yeah, I'm going to post that like 300 times. That's, that's beautiful, Chris Jericho. I love you. I believe you. I believe you'll do that.

Do we have, uh, do we have some podcast business? By God, that's podcast business. Business is music. Podcast business. Podcast business. What's that business? Wrestling business. Slammed on concrete.

It's all for the kids As of this recording, which is Tuesday, March 3rd, if you're listening to this, it'll be Wednesday, March 4th, or after. As of this recording, we are scheduled to still perform as South by Southwest as scheduled, which again, as of this recording is still happening. Check your local listings. South by South West, where is that at? What city pre-till? Sunday, March 15th, 2020. at the Belmont on West 6th in Austin.

Austin, Texas. The whole dust arose himself. We have once again bamboozled and hoodwinked our way into Vox Media's Southby set up. What does this mean? This means we get to parachute down in the middle of a whole bunch of people asking, what is a podcast exactly, and give them our terrible, terrible example? The show is free. You do have to RSVP though, and space is limited. If you will visit either 24, 25, or 26 snakes.com and answer a real quick, three questions, real quick. Audience survey for us so we know who all's coming and how many Texas fans versus Aggie fans are going to be in there so we can tailor the fraction of our jokes accordingly. Not that we've ever told a joke on this program. There will also be a link in there that you can click to RSVP through Vox. The time has already changed once.

We were originally scheduled to go at 4 p.m. Central Time. And you could now say that we are at 3 p.m. Central time, but I prefer to think it as we have just moved the show to 4 p.m. Eastern Time, as God intended. I like it. All right. Come on down to 26 Snakes.com, fill out the spreadsheet and see us at South by Southwest in Austin, Texas. Dusty claimed, like, at least three hometowns. That's how you know he was a real good wrestler, real good wrestlers and perfect wrestlers.

The more hometowns you claim, the better. For instance, Dusty would go, Austin, that's my hometown. That's where I'm from. And then you go, well. That's like politicians and wrestlers have the most hometowns. They do. This is why they're both very compatible. Like Dusty was also from Atlanta, used to do car ads here.

At one point said the immortal line, hey, Japanese cab driver. in one of those ads he also claimed to be from Orlando and Jacksonville alternately I don't know there's some I feel like Atlanta slash Marietta Marietta extremely wrestling energy and then the Jacksonville Tampa Orlando corridor extremely fertile like every wrestler is from all of those towns and so yeah this is why that's true I think like you're automatically from Rivera Steakhouse in Tokyo right that's one of your hometowns I think this is is why college football and wrestling are professional wrestling are always compatible because this is one thing coaches do. You cannot tell a coach or an assistant coach that they are not familiar with a place, right? You can go, hey man, you know, my uncle's from Bug Tustle. Oh yeah, I've been there. Yeah, Buck Tustle. That's a great place. Don't test them on it, though, by the way, because they might prove you wrong. You got to have recruiting connections everywhere because you won't be hired to do a job in that area, and that would be fucking horrible because then you would not make as much

money this is why the rock was made in a lab because not only did the rock play college football right which is how he ended up doing the intro for ls u's pregame their final pregame video for the national title because uh eddos just got the rock's number in his phone because he was his position coach at miami right sure in addition to that in addition to being i think the rock is also a very college football player in that most people don't remember he played for miami and he was succeeded and pipped by a better player. The Rock was, of course, knocked out of the lineup by Warren Sapp, right?

Only two memories of him as a college football player were sacking Charlie Ward, which appears in Fast 7, and almost getting in a fight with San Diego State's shirtless mascot. And, I mean, to me, you do those things, you probably fight Cocho, just because, you know, you're just going to fight Cocho, and you get your job taken by Warren Sapp. That is a complete college football career.

You're an extremely college football player at that point, right? He would be famous for that alone had he not become The Rock. Additionally, The Rock has seven hometowns, at least. You're from Memphis? Yeah, I'm from Memphis. Okay, he's got him from Memphis. You're from Nashville? Yeah.

Got that farm in Virginia situation. He does have, like, a farm in Virginia situation. He's got a gym here in Atlanta. Really? He's got a gym in New York, a West Coast gym, yeah. I think everywhere he plants a gym, by the way. Rock reproduced with spores? I think so.

Is this what's happening here? I think everywhere the rock plants a gym, he legally owns and is a citizen of. But I mean, is this just like his sweat flies off his body and barbells just start bursting up out of the ground? Yeah, this is his, this is his computer turn-based role playing game civilization's advantage, right? Like the Rock civilization, Rock, Slovenia, can go ahead and plant a station that automatically like puts out health and barbells, right?

Oh, and he's from Hawaii. So you've got like Hawaii, Memphis, Nashville, anywhere he's ever lifted a barbell, Miami. He'll claim Miami. This is why he ended up where he was. He was designed in a lab to be successful in his particular niche and all of the other sub-nitches that it included. Okay. This is a slightly off topic, but reminds me of how Jason Mamoa is from Hawaii and Iowa. Hawaii and Iowa.

Is it Hawaii or Iowa-I-I-I-I-I. I like I-A-Waii. I like the second. I bet that is a fight at the football table when you're determining philosophies. Hawaii rolls in. Do you do a little passing, boys? He's watching the Rainbow Warriors, and he's like watching Cole McDonald's. He's just like shaking, like, throw it away, throw it away.

Oh, God, throw it away. Take a knee. Take a knee. I do know this. Iowa and Hawaii can get down on one thing, bulk. Like, oh, yeah. That's a big, beefy boy. So what we are gathered here to do today is to discuss college football internet's most enduring topic, which is coaches fighting each other and picking the coaches who would be best at this.

Holly has noted what was it? It was one of... It was season two, I think. This was the first ever reader question that you guys took. And I... Thank you, Spencer. I hope I'm not slandering him because I hope I'm not remembering this wrong. But I believe it was Bruce Feldman himself who first asked you guys.

who you would select in a six-man tag team from the rank of current college football coaches. You heard it right. Bruce Feldman was our very first podcast reader. I'm pretty sure. I'm remembering that I do not intend to go back and check my work. Do not at me.

You may at Bruce. He has lots of wrestling opinions. So since then, we've sort of touched on everything on them, but I don't remember if we've done a full episode on it. We've probably done like six. I don't know. Spencer, what is our match set up here? You even have a name for it and everything.

I do. I do. This is a five-man match that we've decided to do with each of us. That would be Holly, Jason, Spencer, and Ryan's kind of present. Ryan, so for the two other teams, we have the collective readership of the podcast. We sent out a Twitter ballot and had people dump in names and then sort of filled out an auto-draft board there. so you, the podcast reader, will get your own team to manage. And also, of all the names in that list,

everyone who, every coach who only got one vote, I've assigned them to Ryan's draft board because he's not here. So this would be the three, this would be the five-man tag setup, a.k.a. The pentabrawl. The pentabraw. The pentabraw. From the authors of the triangular, Fandangular. We get, we bring you the pentabro. I'm not making the noise again.

Only at the War Memorial Auditorium Armory National Guard. This has got big National Guard armor energy. I love everybody who runs a National Guard Armory, they're nuts. All the bookers, they're the people who in your town, they're like, yeah, you know, let's go ahead and book that band full of, like, S&M guys and then follow it up with like a church revival. That'll be fine. That's perfect. that's why they always booked wrestling is the greatest and most reliable american business to just make a concrete floor gym somewhere yes it's the only one we should just buy a building yeah this is why we start an app where they're like hey what if we just had a concrete floor yeah with no management and we just pointed people at it's brilliant we make a fucking sovereign dominion that's just if you have a concrete expanse we'll book an event on it with asking anybody and they're like that's not a business that's crime yeah but we

haven't have no that's not a business that's crime listen no one has ever gone to jail for doing business in this country ever so we are going to each take turns Jason has set our draft order we are going to select what we believe to be our strongest five-man team we will all have different philosophies for this I'm even going to go ahead and have different jargon because I'm a very specific kind of manager wrestling manager okay they all have types I'm going to be one as well

so Jason please get us started the what's your type babe then what's your type babe on paper muscular so randomized draft order snake order each round except for

serpentine sorry except for Ryan being last in each round because he's not here our first pick first round is Holly oh shit

man I thought I was really going to have to pick so I have like a cluster of guys I wanted to draft at the top. Okay. But I figured I'd have a couple of them off the board because I'm never first. Ah. All right.

I'm not going to, I'm not going to make any kind of, any kind of pretense towards a canny move. I'm taking our boy Kyle Whittingham off the board. Okay. Relentless. I have decided every, every A team needs like a graying two days to retirement guy. Yeah. Who will also never log off. And nowhere are those simultaneous energies.

bodied better than in our relentlessly calved man from Utah. Do you feel like, Jason, do you feel like Kyle Whittingham has some like very, very serious vibes akin to like a heart brother? Like he seems... I'm more of a hard brother. So I want him coming out like a,

like an old 80 Steiner brother. I want him wearing leather jacket and trunks. Because all we need to see are these legs. Let's not take attention away from the quads and the calves. Like he could wear a poncho over his top half, and it would be fine. Yeah. That's a good idea. We'll call him the poncho.

Yeah. We're looking about six foot tall, 220, stout, former Wack defensive player of the year, made three pro rosters. Strong pick. Yeah. Has it missed it. Has had to play against relentless teams of Mormon nut punchers for years and years and years, and that man's got some energy to work off. I think he could pull off the Joey Ryan Iron Dick move, right?

where you try to grab it, but he turns it on you, right? Because he's played at BYU all these years, and they specialize in the, like, you know, loki nut punch. I'm going to say, by the way, Bronco Mendenhall entirely off my draft board for this reason. There's loose cannons and there's dick punching loose cannons. And I don't need that kind of chemistry.

He's on mine for the same reason, actually. That fucking figure. So, yeah, I'm not saying where I'm going to draft him if he's still on the board. I'm between me, Spencer, and the readers. I don't need that kind of chemistry in my locker room, but, you know, that's just me. That's just the kind of leader I am. Up next, pick to the overwhelming favorite on the public readers ballot.

Coach Ed O'Geron. Fools. Like, they absolutely, they're all in on the big fella. The 6-2-240, former assistant strength coach, 58 years old, kinder and gentler. Still a crazy person, though. Spencer, you said fools. Why? Fools.

Because I have a better pick. I have a better pick. I think everyone expected me to go with Ed for the first one, but this is still a man who has to ultimately have some modicum of control. And no, no, I got to go with a born leader for the first one. And that's, of course, the man whose team didn't come close to winning a national fuck. It was really good until mid-November. Yeah, but point being, much like Utah.

You know who Ed is going to get distracted by anything, right? He's going to be the guy who gets distracted by the ref and takes a chair to the head. Have Michigan fans thought that this is maybe possibly the chance that they finally could take out an SEC team if they just do their little key jangling thing? What's our doors? That's a shone object. That's a lure. This is too much stimulus for my system. Next up is me and I am delighted to get the number one name on my board.

Luke fickle. Oh, he was high on mine. Six foot four stout barrel chest, four year. starting nose guard at Ohio State, only 46 years old, and a 106 and zero high school wrestler. Also, as pointed out by Reader Sporps shouting, he has like 100 children. The dad's strength is off the charts. He's only gotten more powerful since he was one of the biggest high school wrestlers of all time. And this also suggests, by the way, this is why Luke Fickle was in my top three.

And this also suggests his extensive breeding has given him a degree of flexibility throughout the trunk area as he has aged a lot of men will like will calcify into pieces of furniture or large trees as they get order I bet Luke's pretty limber so we're talking we're talking loose hips quite evidently

a big guy who can also do a little bit of aerial maneuvers like a Drew McIreyer like an Alistair black type so I'm delighted to get Luke fricking also I'm going to give you another wrestling bonus here it's from Ohio oh yeah you know he survived happily he is thriving in ohio man he might he has turned down chances to leave

ohio he might be related to the pafos which would put him in like distant relation to randy savage which gives him like yeah he was he's rodney savage he's he was he was number one on my board uh with the bullet in second place is honestly a long way off that's why i've got to go to what i think Some of my long-time followers, listeners, and readers will find a bit of a shock. But I wanted to start, if I could not, start with skill, with Luke Fickle being the obvious, like, winner here, then I'm going to have to start with some old school wrestling attitude, okay? I need some unchained intensity. If you take so much from me, I swear to God.

He's wily. His finish moves the triple option. binge in three ways there's a folding chair inside those pleaded pants how to get out we don't know um frank solich got a lot of pockets frank solich is the cpa cruelty punishment and arrogance that's his finishing move anyway i'm sorry please continue um i'll review those books i'm actually talking about a real at wwee character are you talking yourself into frank solage yeah i was but i'm going to go back and focus here because i'm going to assume that if i take this guy he's going to going to be a bit of a lovable loser. He's going to be somebody with great intensity. He's going to be

somebody who comes and pulls upsets when you least expect it, even when you say, knock him down to his third string move, all right, if he has to do that. It's going to be somebody whose shirttail is never tucked in. Somebody who rushes to the stage with an intensity unmatched demand and then is immediately knocked out with a folding chair. Somebody who forms the heart of the team because since fickle's off the board, I'm going to have to draft brains in the second and in the third round, okay? So for absolute unstoppable intensity in all circumstances, even though he's never going to get that belt. You set a heart, so it can't be Irvin. I'm going to go ahead and take Will Must Champ.

Jesus wept. Wow. You can see it with the Jim Duggan, like the two by four, maybe we put some overalls on him. Yeah. Big Tom Cullen energy out of Will Must champ. About six foot tall, very lumpy. 48-year-old former Georgia captain, extreme intensity. Body type is listed here as tuber.

Yep. This guy's for Huck or Wurtebega. This guy's for boiler room matches. That's a former starting defensive player in the SEC, y'all. There's some surprising athleticism there. Okay. I'd like to point out that Mizzou also fields starting defensive players in the SEC. Yeah.

Also, who's going to give you the heat? All right? y'all are drafting like competence but man will must champ's nothing but heat admittedly that heat sometimes sets himself on fire and those around him i'd like to congratulate will must champ at this time on having burned out of spencer the notion that competence is anything to seek in athletic leadership so so so so in wrestling what spencer referring to his heat is when um the crowd reacts often in a negative way to be booed that also counts as heat there is a style of it called go home heat where you are booing a wrestler

not because you do not like their character. You're booing this wrestler because you do not like them as a human being. Will Mustchamp has generated go-home heat in America. Who's bringing it hotter than Will Mustchamp in that respect? Look, no one.

Up next is Ryan with, remember how we're picking Ryan, of course. We're going with everyone who got one vote in the public readership ballot. Ryan takes Derek Dooley off. the board a man oh goodness gracious that's a name i haven't heard it a long time a man sort of shaped like a greyhound in like and he's going to wrestle in the big orange khakis he's going to bring the stool down that's his weapon yeah derrick duly's off the board in

round one uh spencer you're up to start round two that's astonishing okay so i'm actually going to need some athleticism since I just drafted will must champ uh competence might have to wait pending results this year will must champ confidence might have to wait i'm going to go ahead and i'm going to take scott frost to Nebraska off the board because yeah because he big that's a former option quarterback turned NFL like safety briefly who still hang cleans i believe 225 with a fair amount of ease and also super WWE looking like just a big slab a dude right who can look real cold

kind of looks like Randy Orton's like giant Norwegian cousin he looks like so if you have a a trimander tremulian charizard you're going from Landry from Friday Night Lights to Scott Frost to Brock Lesner that's the same person yeah and one

evolution short of Brock Lesner that's that's a scary person Scott Frost 6, 3 the best nickel career of anyone he that's a great thing yeah i'm going to go ahead and take him because i think there's still some athleticism there definitely strength and in a pinch we can put him on some performance enhancers of some sort he's also good for his own promos at all time because every day is scott frost he already has a wrestler's name right frost frost there's a freeze warning he also

strikes me as a biter so yeah this is uh this is uh this is uh rusev's whole catch phrases, it's Ruseb Day. Scott Rogers is going to steal his gimmick. It's Scott Frost Day. Yeah. Who's next? It is... I believe it is you. Oh, man. I'm very excited. I got

number two on my board, apparent number one of my bar. I'm taking Mario Cristobal. Who was public validing? I got to point out, a lot of ladies voting for Mario. He's on my board. Yeah. I'm siding with the female wisdom here. 6-4 was a 280 as a player, all big

East offensive linemen only 49 um very excited to welcome into the team clearly a draw at multiple corners of the country having experience both at florida international and at oregon i'm going by the way with mario i'm going like big sexy energy here national appeal yeah yeah like somewhere like somewhere like somewhere between the rock and raise of romone coming out with a comb oh yeah no he's got a comb there's like yeah there's definitely some kind of like serious like vanity going he's in the gorgeous george category, right, of I'm going to do some stuff which is purely like I just got out of the man salon and I'm coming straight to the ring. He's got a lot of that. I think based on the response from the ladies in the shutdown forecast universe, universe being the wrestling term for

fan for some reason. Yeah, the ladies out there definitely are sort of filling out his character for him, I guess. Okay. This is definitely the first coach on this list who I feel like it would be acceptable for us to put on television in a dressing gown or a smoking jacket. Yeah, big robe. right like Rick Flare rope yeah next up is the readers with they have a stipulation for this guy granted we'll see what he can get away with

our readers have a real hive mind is something we discovered Mike Gundy okay no no no no no want him to have a weapon all right so they get Mike Gundy and then he figures out what weapon he can bring to the ring I was not high on Gundy he is not

big at all 184 this is a strange week to peek Mike Gundy after you find out he hunts with a silencer he's only 184 at the NFL combine that was the biggest he got in his entire life um and football job was handing the ball to barry sanders i could do that i will defend him on the basis of picking five for a professional wrestling match not necessarily a wrestling match right so if we got five going for the professional wrestling match one gondy's mic skills are going to be great two he is his own gimmick right three name already works, right?

Mike Gundy! Okay. You know, and in addition to that, you say the stipulation is that he has a weapon, he's going to have a weapon anyway. You might as well working into the character, right? Okay. Yeah, the Okey Rattlesnake!

So the readers right now have Coach O and Gundy. That's a fucking, like, we'll sell some T-shirts with that duo. That's, I'm telling you, readers are putting together the t-shirt team, right? This is the merch squad. They are going to move units. And they are going to sell pay-per-views. Holly, you're up next. All right.

I'm going with another fairly obvious pull. I can't believe he's still on the board. But the second item on my list to hunt for after a solid silver leadership was somebody who can function as the Prince Puma. Yeah. And to that end, there's only one choice. And it's DJ Fleck. Yes. actually this is outstanding we know that he is fond of turning work a day office depot type clothes into flashy sideline appeal the man has catchphrases for days he will talk anyone else in this arena off the mic and out of the building and he's frankly the only coach i think probably on this entire i

I went through the entire roster looking for, like, you know, who can be, who can be my big aerial guy? Because I, I am extremely fond of the Lucha Underground and its offshoots and its predecessors. And I want somebody who can fly around a little bit. I'm going to need an acrobat. I'm going to need an acrobat who's a certified crazy person. And that intersection consists of one man. Can I point out? You already have an illicit weapon to bring into the ring as your finishing move.

The or? Yeah. The or. Yeah. that's yeah i can i can i can picture it now they're chanting or or or shoes or perish yeah yeah very strong kick you're getting an excellent athlete who was once called and this is a resounding endorsement a freaking warrior by none other than dennis ericsson so only 39 is going to be with you for a long time tons and tons and endless character value so great and you know what like

this is a wrestling term but it's one that i think transcends and makes sense across real worker like amazing worker right like nobody nobody's gonna do more ring work well James Franklin maybe but yeah like wouldn't you love to see PJ Fleck and James Franklin in an actual wrestling match yeah actually maybe I just want to see them box I think so like the internet wrestling fan thing here is work rate which yes how much do you move during a match PJ flick probably number one in this category mm-hmm let's see who is it Ryan again it is up again Ryan will be selecting Clay Hilton

The man who cannot die The invisible man Jason I'm actually really surprised That Clay Hilton got so few votes Given what we know of his build Yeah I mean Yeah like he could I say what we know of his build

Because we cannot identify But we've seen pictures purporting to be him Yeah I think it's kind of like dark matter In the universe like we know where it isn't You know, we see its effects on other things. We can see its gravity, even though light can't interact with it. That's kind of like Clay Hilton. Next up is Holly to start round three.

Ah, hello. All right. Third pick, I need a brawler. I need someone who is, I need a melee fighter. I need someone who is going to have to be brought back down out of the stands where he is beating a patron over the head with their own corn dog. I need someone who's going to have to be tased back into the ring. Mark Stoops, come on down.

Wow. That's a spectacular pick. Also, I really just like the idea of Mark Stoops having to interact with P.J. Fleck in a locker room. Can I go ahead and give you this, though? Like, Mark Stoops and PJ Fleck, great tag team because Mark Stubes is the underrated worker, while P.J. Fleck is the outspoken underdog. The two of them together as a tag team, that's quite something. Yeah, yeah, I get this a lot of thought. Thank you.

Holly, have you considered it all picking all of the Stoops's? the thought occurred but uh you know bob's just such a brittle old bitty that i i couldn't i couldn't quite go through with he would be the one that when he gets brought back he's the one they put the title belt on for like three days just because he's back he only comes out for pay-per-views right oh yeah like yeah like bob's like the undertaker like if you're look no offense to the no offense to the royals of the of the wrestling world but if you're coming out in the sedan chair I'm really not interested

okay okay next up is the readers again with this is probably their best work Dana Holgerson then they were consisting on the character they want they went sucker punches backstabs knives in a casino parking lot

they want just the dirty grappler Spencer who is that wrestler that I call my high school boyfriend Jeremiah Crow, I think is his name. Okay, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. That guy. He looks like high school boyfriend.

Yeah. Ladies, if you're hearing this, bad kind of goth high school boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. That's who she just picked. I didn't pick them. The readers did. Yeah, the public demands Dana Holgerson in the trunks.

Like, it's like... In the trunks. He's rolled out of a trunk. We're going to back this. we're going to back an El Camino just into the arena and Dana's just going to be kind of pulled out of it with pool

with pool skimmers or another household retrieval tool. Yeah. I think every story about Jake the Snake preparing for a match like he's like the other guys walking past him and he's just sitting on the hall floor smoking and he's like hey you get we're going to talk about the match and nope

and he just rolls out there. That's I am up next and I'm honestly I got my two bruisers I'm very light on character like very light on catchphrases and mic work so I'm a little torn because do I keep going with what I'm going to go ahead

and I'm going to take my mic guy here I'm taking Brett Bilema six foot six significant but not really like out of shape just very big yeah former iowa captain defensive lineman one year arena leaguer he can work in a tight space uh only 50 years old it's got a iowa tattoo on his leg that's a great look quite moist at all times all at all times yeah so belema is going to be our that's our front and center

he's he does all the talking for our group i am uh i am next and at this point with will must champ and with scott frost i got some beef i got some hype i have um i think we're wet enough remember you have to be wet as a wrestler and bow must champ alone is going to supply ample wetness for all of us that means i'm speak for yourself son i love i love that there's some karen and like coming georgia who's like only man besides my only man besides my precious dave who i ever Who I ever felt coming, Georgia, it's a town. Yeah, it's real. Yeah, Karen, Karen just sitting there watching South Carolina football going,

something about that man. Who, Wilma's champ. She's out there. Yeah. I don't want to admit it either, but it's got to be true, right? I'm short on brains, and what I need... What the heck you say? I'm definitely short on brains.

You're saying Wilmuch champ and Scott Frost aren't doing it for you in the intellect department. I'm also, I'm also, I think, a little short on, I think I'm a little short on props and I'm a little short on eccentricity because these are two, I got two guys who, you know, might be a lot of white bread, but it's still white bread. I need somebody who's had some different experiences in life

might have coached as far out as a person could get. That's why I'm going to select former Hawaii quarterback and former Hawaii head coach, current Washington State head coach, Nick Rolovich Nice one Yeah Because tactically

I think he's got a lot to work with He's pretty good on the mic He's going to be the one Who manages to pull Will Mustchamp Out of the Garbage Can Where he believes An Evil Demon lives In the middle of a match

This is where a less experienced manager Might have drafted someone Like a Mike Norvel But unlike a Mike Norvel I think Nick Rolovich is far less likely To just say something wildly problematic In the middle of an otherwise

smoothly running scene. Yeah. You also have, like, you have a funny guy here now. He's going to be really good on the mic, and he's going to be good on social media. He can run your team's Twitter account. He can put Will Mustchamp on a gentle leader to get him in the ring. This can all happen thanks to drafting Nick Rolovich, who I believe is an emerging star in the realm of hypothetical college football wrestling.

Next up is Ryan. with Carl Pellini. Goodness, Chris. Whoa, is this accidentally a sleeperhood? Yes. I was kind of surprised more people didn't pick Carl Pellini. By which I mean,

Carl Pallini will choke you while you sleep in your home outside the confines of wrestling. As far as you know, Carl Pallini is a bona fide crazy person. Where is Carl Pellini? I feel like I should know for my own safety. He was with Bo at Youngstown, I believe,

so I don't know if he followed Bo to L.A. you? I believe he did. Wherever he is, don't go there. Ryan's team now, of course, is Derek Dooley, Clay, Hilton, and Carl Fellini. Goodness gracious. Spencer, you're up to start round four. Okay, remember when I said my team wasn't wet enough. Okay. I lied. Yeah, I don't think any of us could forget that.

I lied. I lied. I lied. You know where you're going. Yes. I wanted to take the wettest wrestler possible. I wanted to take somebody who was going to bring a little more heat because you can see I'm putting together the heat team, right? Like we are, I'm putting together the hypeest crew imaginable for entering the ring and for exiting the ring. What happens in the ring might be kind of disorganized and strange. Are you winding us up so you can draft Kirby?

No, no, no, no, no. Although Kirby and Will, if they were put together, they would have the kind of tag team where if Will were being like, painfully submitted in the middle of the ring, Kirby would be crying, right? Like, no, don't hurt my brother! Now! We go to the same barber!

They're the two dogs and where the red fern grows? They're Kevin Chris from Love Island season three. No, no, no, no. Don't you dare invoke those sweet boys. So that's why I'm taking. He's a wily veteran. He's got an unusual gait. You don't want him to wear nothing but trunks in the ring,

but that's exactly what he's wearing. And he's going to have the crazed mania of an old school worker with the technical innovation of a next guy. That's right. I'm taking Gary Patterson. Gary Patterson. Don't you ever invoke Kim and Chris again. Surprising athleticism, if you look it up.

This team is incredibly warm. Spencer, surprising athleticism if you look it up where? His record as a player. He was an outstanding. I believe he played at Kansas State. It was an outstanding linebacker there. In what year was he an outstanding linebacker at Kansas? That's irrelevant.

Wrestling is forever and you can come back no matter how old you are. This is Kansas State. Years are irrelevant. I say that not only in terms of his age, but because being outstanding at Kansas State before like 1990 meant you were okay at football at best. Hey, you know what? Hulk Hogan is like a legendary wrestler and he only knows two moves. If you come up in the 80s, man.

Okay. It's fine. Can we speak real quick of eras and names because, researching draft order is how I discovered that Wake Forest currently has a coordinator named Lyle Hempill. Lyle Hemp Hill. I don't know what dust bowl wagon he rolled off of and hit the wrong tumbleweed and fell through time to end up in Wake Forest.

But Lyle Hempill. Lyle Hempill. That might have to be your stage name. Lyle Hempel, though, works at Wake Forest because like Georgia Footwell, if your name sounds like some sort of white-collar service organization and company, right? Like, oh, my accountants, Lowe Lampil, they're great. Go use them. I'm up next, and I'm going to keep building a squad of absolute brutes.

We got three tall guys. We're going to step down just a little bit in height, but not a lot. I think people think he's shorter than he is just because of the look of his neck and head. he is sort of the neck and head of like a four foot two bodybuilder you know it's Kalani Sataki that's a good pick

starting fullback at BYU and team captain only 44 years old you look at pictures of him staring down Whittingham and he looks like he is going to eat him so I mean maybe

my team is just what is this this is 1,000 pounds of muscle so far also staring down a man like Kyle Whittingham who was built like an armoire? Yes.

Respect, respect to Sataki for this. Yes, yeah. The readers are up next and they are selecting quality choice. Mel Tucker. God damn it! He's already got the uniform.

He's got the shorts. Wait, how did he not get more votes? He was next on my board. For this exact reason, I needed, you know, I needed some flash. I needed a broad audience favorite and we already know that he is willing to wear pants that are shorter than socially acceptable in harsh environments. Man, I'm angry about this. Also, someone noted he proposed to his

wife on their first date, which was a blind date. He's going to walk in the ring. First words out of his mouth are going to be the exact thing he means. He's going to tell the crowd exactly what he thinks of it right away so also also you're probably going to have to spend a lot of money because uh w w he's going to take him so fast you get you get whoever the big dude is right like they're like oh he's big we should sign him this is messing up my next pick but i'm going to think on my feet like a good wrestler all right i need i need vague i need vague i need vague notions of Hmm. There's really no replacement for Mel Tucker is the problem. There's no replacement on my board. But let's review your assets, all right? Do you have enough hype?

I really don't. And that makes me want to edge directly towards the hypingest man remaining on the board, although I do think he's more of a polarizing figure than Mel Tucker would have been. I got to go with Narduzzi. Okay. Okay. who has the most mesmerizing, paralyzing eyes. If Pat Darduzzi consumed all of his food like a python by like hypnotizing it with his gaze and then just swallowing it whole, this wouldn't surprise me one bit. Okay, I like that. Yeah.

He's one of those guys who, despite everything that we know about pit football, when you look at him make a speech, makes you want to play pit football. But also he's bad. at math which is a concern all you got to count two is one two three yeah this is I'm gonna I'm gonna have to count I'm gonna have to lean on Whittingham I'm like to lean on Whittingham to keep to keep Narduzzi's more dangerous antics in check actually based on what we know about his goal line

tendencies counting to three is that's his yeah kind of three in your bone right one two three that's it oh I forgot to mention Kyle Whittingham also comes with the Utah student section. Oh, they're gonna storm the ring. Yeah. At least three times a match. At least three times a match. Ryan's fourth selection is an exciting one.

It is Jim Grobe back. What? What did it? Jason, remind us again how you selected Ryan's wrestlers. Ryan's wrestlers were basically the most sarcastic novelty votes by public readership. So all of the Bronx cheers are Ryan's team now. Pretty much.

Can I make a draft pick for Ryan? No, no, he's not here. Ryan has all the doink the clowns. He does. I was going to give him David Cutcliffe as a character called. David Cutcliffe's on my board. I was going to make him a character called. You think he can kill David Cutcliffe?

I was going to make him a character called the Colonel. Hello, boys. David Cutcliffe absolutely can slap the Bob Backland on you. Don't disrespect the full Nelson. Holly, you're up for our final round. All right. I think I need to close out with a little... Taking Narduzi in the fourth round

makes me want to veer a little bit back towards steadiness because I have Kyle Whittingham, but he needs a strong, you know, he needs a strong lieutenant. And Kyle Winningham can only control so much character at once, and he's got PJ Fleck, he's got Mark Stoops, and he's got Pat and Arduzzy to contend with. I'm going to want, I'm going to want a steady hand on the tiller who can also put the fear of God into you when the near you arises. I'm going to want like a quiet storm type situation where, you know, he's, it's an air of quiet menace until he just explodes. I'm going to pull Dino Babers for my final, for my final pull.

got some size on him too he can work a mic have you ever seen him yell at a ref oh yeah he's good for one incredible speech per year at least I feel like I lose I lose two inches in height

every time I make eye contact with him on television because it's like it's like if the if you cross bread I'm not mad I'm just disappointed dad energy with like a killer B

yeah yeah like the scariest lab-created killer bee you could find he's a former two-way player at hawaii so also named dino dino it's a good name yeah it looks like he's about six one too i think people think he's shorter than he is but he looks to be about the same height as uh dabbo and dabbo apparently six one he's got some bulk but if you've ever seen him chase after a ref he moves well yeah all right i'm i'm satisfied with my I'm sad that it's, I'm sad that it lost its way midway through.

My original plan, I don't mind revealing this now, was to, was to pull Mel Tucker and then Steve Adazio. But I think Pat Narduzzi and Steve Adazio is just too much chaos energy on one team. Although Steve Adazio is currently wearing a singlet right now, no matter where he is. You got to, really, you can't have too much cop on one team unless you're putting a cop team together. That's why I pick. See, this is why you see, I bracketed mine. My first pick and my fifth pick were my cop picks. Yeah.

Right. All right, I believe the readers are next up. Readers are next, and I cannot believe this guy made it to the fifth round. It is the man with the best name on the board, six foot two, former Snow College defensive back, 54 years old, Bronco Mindenhall. Ooh, better you than me, man. So that's a fine pick. could have gone in the first

excellent value that brings it to me and I am now taking the second name on my board I skipped him because I thought he would slide 6'7 former Wisconsin tight end only 33 years old Sean Lewis of Kent State

To my academic all big 10 we got a big smart guy here Oh we got a big old corn brain He is he is a robusto He is a very large man So I have So I got 6-7, Sean Lewis, 6-6, Brett Bilema. I don't think I've ever seen Sean Lewis's official headshot before right now.

Is he currently a wrestler? He might be. Like he looks like a wrestler. Yeah. He's already in character. Yeah. Also, as a tight end, not just size and strength. Dude can probably move.

Also, you can tell he really does have that Big Tim brain going because his Wikipedia page which they all right says he played collegiately at wisconsin oh we went adverbial also spencer you're right about the move because he also returns some kicks at wisconsin returning kicks at wisconsin i assume just means fair catching but still that's good lord have you seen his spring football beard it's majestic it's like the it's not a spencer hall but it's about a half hall no the man and honestly still in shape so i think this is an outstanding picking on your part. Jason, this is a great value bet on your part.

Very excited. Spencer, who is last to complete your extremely warm, damp team? I am, again, sort of building a passel of heartland-like farm boys. I am, there is a fullback still on the board, and a fullback who at the age of 41, I think to keep a pretty impressive work rate, he's working. He's worked some of the big circuits as a member of a team, as a second banana, as a hype guy, as a jobber. He's now got a head job, but he's out on the outskirts of things. So he's, you know, he's worked, the Saskatchewans, the Tri-Cities areas of our nation.

Yeah, he's done all of that. And I think he's ready to come and be part of the dream team. He brings kind of a roughneck air to things as a former fullback. and is still in absolutely jacked shape. I don't know if he has any wrestling titles, like from high school to his credit, but dude is 100% ripped at the age of 41. So with that, I'm going to go ahead and take North Texas head coach,

Seth LaTrell, who played fullback on the 2000 Oklahoma Sooners Championship team. Also probably picked up some musical talent hanging out in Denton for so long. Yeah. He's got to at least have connections to some. local music also recalled two years ago the half time of a north texas smu game was a wrestling match correct yeah you look it looks like it looks like if coach eric taylor just worked out all day it has so many things by the way like he's he's pretty decent on the mic i sort of think of him as the anti must champ in terms of demeanor so i think he provides a good balance for what we're

dealing with here he is uh he's got a good head of hair that's very important i think he's oiled up like oiled up and tanned he's going to like he's going to shine on camera he's got some non-threatening good looks uh that a certain demographic of the of the fan base is going to respond positively to at least half of the time he's going to wrestle in jeans that's my only requirement if you look at him this is the wrangler's endorsement yeah waiting to happen yeah he was part of a minor league uh off brand football team called the rough the rough necks i believe the rough riders so we're going to have to get him in some lees like some some tight-ass generic lee jeans in the ring for at least half of the time i know this is going to upset mike gundy and i hope it does because

that rivalry needs to happen yes yes definitely so yeah overall like when you look at it how do how do you feel about your squads at this point well we got to do ryan's last pick first and let's come back to that all right i forgot that he was here he's not he's not we have we have last suggestion or one last pick for Ryan but it has a stipulation to it comes to us from readers this is the fifth and final name on Ryan's team manny Diaz late 2019 edition keep in my cheating manny Dia well think about think about this think about um that's cheating and that's bad for Ryan wrestlers go through incarnations and looks and characters and gimmicks and you know Oh, okay.

If you have a wrestling video game, it'll come out, and it'll be like, you can be Cain, or you can be 1998 Cain, or you can be 1999 Cain, 2019, Nadi-Diaz. We're talking about a dude who just looked like he was ready to fucking never look at a football ever again. Like 20 pounds underweight. Yeah, it looked like he had lost a significant amount of stress weight. So are we looking for him to fill like an undertaker-type role? I think we're looking at him to do sort of an orange-year-old.

Orange Cassidy type role. The wrestler who just sort of stands around with his hands in his pockets. The Rafe. Yeah, that's kind of what he's going to do for Ryan. Ryan's team would be the team that ended up with two managers, wouldn't it? Mm-hmm.

A lot of administrative energy. So we should review our teams, and I think we wanted to pick entrance music for these folks. Real quick, I wanted to note a few who didn't get picked. Pat Fitzgerald, of course, who was probably the best college

football player of anybody out here still and also none of us like him none of us like we don't pick we don't pick scabs i think if we were putting together a heel team he would have been the first pick oh quick who's your all heel team like if we just like pat fitzgerald james franklin man is the i was going to say it's the is the heel team entirely big 10 yeah it's all big 10 hard ball's definitely on there i would put gundy on there yeah gondy would definitely go on there And Chip Kelly? No, because there's no... He's so fun when he's angry, though.

Yeah, he looks like a Kirby. I think Chip Kelly is an awesome ref announcer type. I just want him to talk to him. Yeah, Adazio. I would put Adazio on the heel team. No, not on the heel team. That's a dude. He's too genial to be a heel.

Oh, I've got an unfuny one. Dave Doran. Yeah, if you just want unfuny. Just a giant. Oh, Greg Shiano. Oh, wait, no, no, no, Mike Loxley. We already know we can punch. Yeah, and Greg Shiano.

You've got to put Shiano on there because, you know. All right. One more for the heel team, Larry Fedora. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about current coaches, so I guess that didn't really cross my mind. That shirt's coming off. Yeah.

That shirt was never on. I'm also surprised that noted tacticians, Jeff Munkin and Todd Graham didn't get a look by anybody. Todd Graham, we just can't get a whole. of him. No one's fair. The number one name on my board that I was actually considering was Jeff Brom, the most XFL man of all time. Only 48 was a great athlete. Played two sports, six one. Also two other names, both very very very wrestling. Chad Lunsford, Georgia Southern, pretty big. Yeah. Always hitting stuff

with folding chairs. Like this is literally a celebration. He'll do the people's elbow in a folding chair. He's probably he's the most wrestler football coach currently and also sam pitman the new arkansas coach oh yeah i thought we might see him yeah i don't think he can move all that well he played for the he was a a de for pittsburg state that's cool however he has nicknamed himself after a wrestler and i think it shows enough self-awareness that he's going to be an incredible character he calls himself king con bundy that's good so he's he's going with the single strap right oh yes yes yeah i was personally not to see Herm Edwards on anybody's board.

He is definitely surprised a lot of us with his comeback over the past couple seasons. And we all know he's big into, I see him as like a manager heel. Yeah. Because he's got big front office energy as well, but we all know that he is ready to hop into the ring at a moment's notice.

And the last two names that I don't think we mentioned from the readership, were Derek Mason and Charlie Strong, both intense, charming, great shape. It's not very big. That's true. And also, I know that Derek Mason will continue to talk shit no matter what the score is or how they're doing. Because after hitting the third win last year, Fanderbilt, he came out and said, I was made for this.

Third win. The whole season. Wasn't week three, by the way. It was not week three. It was much more than that. So let's review our teams. Holly, do you want to go first? Yeah, let's see.

I've got bracketed by my two captains. I've got Kyle Whittingham and Dino Babers, holding together a team of just madman in the middle, a core of PJ Fleck attacking from the air, Mark Stoops attacking from the sea, because he's kind of like a really ruddy kaiju. And then Pat Narduzzi attacking from the ground because Lord knows you don't want to put him in the air in any situation.

Do we have a sense for entrance music for this very versatile group? This is, this group is kind of all over the place and I don't feel like I have, I don't quite feel like I have a key on their vibe yet because I had to take such a turn with my, with my fourth and fifth picks. I'm going to, I'm going to, can I give you a suggestion? I'm thinking, I'm thinking 90s country. I'm thinking prime country. Okay.

I was going to, this is what I was going to suggest. These are, these are all very professional. My first instinct is Clint Black, good run, a bad look. Okay. But I'm willing to hear others. I was going to say these are all very businesslike. I would call the entire assembly the firm because you take care of business. Okay.

Yeah. Or the board, where Kyle Whittingham's nickname was the chairman. Okay. Okay. Okay. People with chairs. Yeah, and that's, yeah, exactly. And then you get to it, you cut me, you just cut right to the chase there, Jason.

That's when you break out the chairs because it's time for a board meeting. Yeah. The board meeting could also involve two by fours if you wanted it. That is what Vince McMahon would call. Oh, good shit. That's such good shit. That's good shit. Can the theme, can the music be taken care of business by Turner, Buckman, Overdrive?

Yeah. The other one. Buckman Turner Overdraft. Yeah. No, I thought you were doing that to avoid copyright. Yeah. This podcast has been canceled due to me even mentioning the song, taking care of business.

The readers team, Ed Ogeron, Mike Gundy, Dana Holgerson, Mel Tucker, and Bronco, Mendenhall. That's an amazing team. That's a fantastic team. This is who says you can't go home. Yeah. Yeah. These are the rousedabouts, right?

What is, hang on while I pull up the soundtrack for the movie Old Dog. Can we just call them the war boys? Because that's the war boys, right? That's good. No, not old dogs. What's the movie I'm thinking of where... Wild hogs? Thank you.

That's a common thing. This is very much either. Oh, wait, the same guy directed... Wait, not only the same guy direct wildhogs and old dogs, so it's his fault. The director of wildhogs and old dogs is named Walt Becker. Okay. Okay, so we need some Steely Dan. I like, I like the, you just call it, listen, they're the wild, they're the wild dogs.

That's it. Wild dogs. And then everything there is basically collar-based humor, right? Yeah. Or bone-based humor. Jason, how are you looking? That's good shit. We can sell, we can sell wild dog shirts.

All right. Luke Fickle, Mario Cristobal, Brett Bilema, Kalani Sataki, Sean Lewis. We are naming ourselves, Meat Corp. coming out to the most just like thudding thumping music i don't want melody i barely want rhythm i just want i just want a clanging sound like um like like the sound of an elephant being dropped off a building over and over just thump that's our music i think you should do you should come out to uh you should come out to bring them out just the line you want to beef that is way too intense and high energy for this. No, just the, just the

beef line looped over and over again. Want a beef? I think if we use a, I think if we use any hip-hop, we're taking out everything but the baseline. Actually, we're taking out everything, we're taking about everything but the 808. That's what I want. Just an 808 bonging, very hard.

And that is our song. Okay. I like it. What if that, Jason, what if that's your crew? Because it's 404 based, but extra hefty. Yeah, yeah. So they would be the 808. Yeah, I like it. Double 404.

We've got, for me, I ended up selecting Will Must Champ, Scott Frost. Oh, also Area Code 808 is the Hawaiian Islands. See? Good. Nick Rolovich, Gary Patterson, and Seth Latrell. That's a mixed bag. Well, you know, that's a lot of, I feel like...

That's the good name. Trail mix. The mixed bag. The main No The variety pack I think I think we're going to be called the valets

Because we're here to get the bag Oh god What's wrong with the wet men The wet The wet men Um Yeah The flood

The tide Yeah The Tide. Yeah, the Tides The princes of tides The Pelican briefs. No? The frog men.

But you're the one who's going to take a dive. Oh, that's good. That's good shit. That's how we move merch. We all come in in wetsuits. Can you imagine anything funnier? The battle toads. Wetodes aren't wet.

Will Mustamp having to walk 100 yards to the ring in a wet suit with fins. They're so stupid Can he pick his legs Far up enough off the ground Let's find out Like if you were trying to track Will Must champ through snow It would just look like an ATV

That driven through Gary Patterson would look like he was in a balloon Like the trail of a slug on a sidewalk Yeah That would be Gary Patterson's power by the way You'd go down to pin him and just Sport right out like a watermelon seed Right

He's trying to lock it in Trying to lock him in the water. The watermelon seed Patterson. There he goes. Just fires across the ring. That's natural protection. I'd call it unnatural protection, gang. Spencer, what's your entrance music?

I think if we're emphasize, if I'm going to put the flood out there. The flood. Then I think we're coming out to win the levee breaks, right? That's what we're doing. Gags. yeah no listen commentary the slight like slight what the slight twinge of

problematic oh that's definitely wrestling choice we're coming out to that yeah that's good shit and finally Ryan's gruesome collection of Derek look Ryan ended up with a better

that he had any right to by in terms of just wrestling by virtue of having Clay Helton and Carl Polini he did Derek Dooley Clay Hilton, Carl Polini, Jim Grobe, and 2019 Manny Diaz. Derek Dooley just constantly fighting

Ryan for control of the program. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're going to... openly attempting to undercut him. You're going to have factions within your faction. Yeah. This is a W.O. Wolfpack situation. Dolly is his own faction because nobody likes him. I feel like with

a team like this, with like the awful jobber teams who are just clearly good news, you have to give him a name that is a little bit too cool. you know like i was going to say that carl polini insists on naming their team like dunder snifflin or something like a really coped up version of the office i will not let it go um god this is a very difficult team to find any sort of common thread right anything fired for cause no no not that you know what can we just go ahead and copyright and fringe and call them the watchman and give them

the lame gimmick of all wearing watches so they can be like, you know what time it is? Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah. And then their music will just be like a clock ticking. That's their music.

Like an all vanilla flavor flavor flavor lineup.