Shutdown Fullcast - Cocaine Fort

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

- Three live shows announced, including a Carb Day trip to Indianapolis with Homefield Apparel (find out more at preownedairboats.com) - An important update from a medical professional on the subject of injecting mashed potatoes into your circulatory system - Nothing can stop Drake from his first love: shopping - Briefly imagining Jerry Seinfeld at the Apollo  - The difference between an irresponsible prediction and a bold one - Spencer says this SEC team that won 10 games last season is only winning four this year - Jason presents the most painful way Florida can wind up firing Billy Napier - And other unhinged suggestions from readers like you - This week's theme song arranged and performed by Becca Lynch - Follow Jason's work and upcoming book-related appearances on Vacation Bible School, Shutdown Fullbooks, and elsewhere at jasonkirk.fyi - Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at channel-6.ghost.io, if you dare - Listen to Ryan and Surber's other podcast, We're Not All Like This, wherever finer podcasts are placed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Kendrick made a disc track for Kendrick fans. So it's six minutes long, has three different tempos, four different flows, and really intelligent wordplay. And Drake fans are like, huh? Drake fans are just like, yeah, well, he still makes more money. His handbag is more expensive, and that's why he's a winner. He's had more songs that get played at Target. That's it. Have you seen his stock?

His stock is so impressively valuable Like in this disc track Kendrick's like I'm still at the Chinese food joint right Like And I'm hanging out with my family And Drake fans are like

I'm successful people Don't eat Chinese food Every time Drake gets into it With an actual rapper Like the response from all of Drake's fans Is basically if Dallas Cowboys fans argued They won the championship

Because their team made the most money like it is it is like all those years when texas didn't didn't make a bowl game and they would and they would brag about how much money they made that's drake fans and every every one of drake's beefs yeah the problem is that drake is the ultimate neo-capitalist rapper so like he's like no no no this isn't art this is business and he's a he's a warrior of business i feel like every drake listener is like like seconds away from being like a serious optimized my life huberman podcast listener it's they're All the same as, like, Elon's reply guys. Those are Drake fans. Like, brilliant Gambit, sir. You got into it with, like, the best rapper. Brilliant Gambit. And, like, he beat the fuck out of you for six minutes while doing cartoon voices.

And you're going to dial up some more AI or some shit. Brilliant Gambit, sir. Well, well played. He walked right into it, didn't he? Stock prices have never been higher at Drake Corp. Hi, Ryan. You're on mute. Sorry.

I'm laughing thinking about Drake on the stock exchange. Business is booming. It took a small dip this morning. People are talking more and more. Hey, we're talking about him right now. Heck, six minutes of talking about Drake. That's great for business. Yeah.

Look at that. Drake bought the moon. What have you ever done? that's true i like in the in the distract like he says canadian like it's like it's a slur yeah i mean in context because like like uh drake did the shit where he was like resurrecting tupac's voice and like getting sued by tupac's family and so it's like who of all the people to attempt that a canadian is the one attempting that drake although they really they both they both were theater kids so they can bond over that there's a lot of that going on sure yeah i mean kendrick is a whole

troop at all times yeah and now a performance of me hating drake i appreciate the return to form on the distract that this is which is i hate this guy like this guy like there's like two lines about like let's compare our business dealings and then it's right back to i don't like the way you walk i don't like the women you fuck that's an actual line just to be like ooh him and like yeah like it does get into like the um the old you're girly stuff from uh so many rap records in the past but with drake i mean the amount of like misogynous shit he's talked hit him where he lives yeah i mean like if you drake you talk all this shit about like you can't stand this woman and that woman and

you're like you treat this woman poorly and think that's funny and all this shit and so like I don't know. I guess it makes it feel more like fair game and less like it's like bullshit middle school talk. I don't know. But otherwise anyway, Drake business has never been higher. I have the feeling by the way, this is the difference between this and like the push a two track. The push of two track was I have a dossier and I am going to present this dossier in a damaging fashion. And by the time I'm done, you'll be like, oh counselor, please stop. The jury is ready to vote you've revealed this man to be a sham a fraud whereas this one is like hey you know our

neighbor frank i fucking hate frank i will now i will now say fuck him and seven different voices over three different beats i love that drake lost the push a t brown so badly that all kendrick has to do is say push his name and he scores points here like he's like that guy's got all the research i'll just mention it yeah i'm i'm hyperlinking here we go I'm going to link to the piece And this layoffs at Drake Corp Uh oh Due to more investigative reporting

Hey way to cut Way to increase the margins And cut payroll king Well done If not for these fucking journalists like push a tea The one thing holding our business back Drake court moving to Austin

Question mark Question mark There's Your regulations over there Drake court purges payroll and closing website. Jerry Seinfeld joins Board of Drake Corp. That's how you know it's not funny.

Triumphant moves, sir. You can't say Drake anymore because of woke. Jerry Seinfeld is going to fix all that. I think the funniest thing about Jerry Seinfeld is that he is somehow rewriting history so that Jerry Seinfeld was an edgy comedian, which is the least fucking true thing you could possibly say. Like he was walking out there being like, hey, folks, you ever smoke crack? Ryan, I love that.

That is literally the funniest thing about Jerry Seinfeld. That is the first time I've ever laughed at him. Like that Jerry was out there and go, hey, fellas, what's the dude, pussy? What's the fucking deal? Like he ever got out to the Apollo and Jerry was like, I ain't scared of you all. Now, Kramer was edgy in their life a bit, a bit too much, I would say. Is that what we're saying? You can't say anymore?

Because you couldn't say that at the time either. Sad to report, there is not a comedians in cars getting coffee with Cat Williams, which would have been a real fucking triumph. It's a 50-minute drive to get coffee. You can't get out of the car. You won't let you. I got more to say. he's he's no he's on the way to he's on the way to doing that that comedians and cars with coffee with

Alex Jones were like Alex walks in he's like this is a Jewish sciop and you can't say that on NBC anymore yeah you can't say that we used to say that's something Elaine would have said what the fuck is in this coffee I just know there's chili in here like post Seinfeld all that man has done is by Porsche's and not be funny and post Seinfeld all Larry Which is a good way to live. Before Seinfeld, all he did was not be funny. Yeah. But the guy, the guy who actually made the show, Larry David, was like, I'll do the show without you.

And it'll go longer and be funnier. And you know what? I think we could all agree that curb your enthusiasm constantly being held back by the folks. Constantly. So true. You can't, you can't say Wanda Sykes has a big ass anymore on TV. They won't let you do that. We're on like season 18.

of it's always sunny and salt yeah like all I saw like yesterday was people would post the Seinfeld thing and then posts always sunny news you can't do that like that show's done nothing but try to find the rock bottom of humanity for 18 years straight on network television no less so anyway meanwhile this guy's driving around drinking coffee They won't let you drink coffee It's too woke Okay, I have an email That I need to share with y'all

Was it sent to you personally? Yeah, how did they pull that off? Hold on, hold on. You read an email. Yes. Recently. Yes. All right.

Was it sent recently? All right. Like, was this, was this your annual mail job? Did it have some sort of deceiving subject mind? Like, free chicken today. No, no, it did not. Even though I was recently caught at an airport by a co-worker, eating chicken, and I quote, aggressively.

But are we talking bone in? Was that the, oh, yeah, no, it was Popeyes. Okay, okay. Well, that explains the aggression. Like a piranha. What's stripping down a cow? If you were aggressively eating tendies, that would be one thing. But if you're doing carnivore shit, that's what I know.

He's just swallowed him like a python. Drake, the kind of rapper to eat tendies. Look, I'm so tough. At the fucking airport. He calls him Fingies. Yeah. Is that what they call him a Canada? In his duck voice.

Fingies with a O. Somehow. Foyngies. Yeah. I bought fangies for all my boys. Drake, Drake bragg is about shopping so much. Yeah, well, your favorite rapper doesn't like Drake, but Drake can afford so many foing goose. Yeah.

Honey mustard too spicy. He's got a cane's in his house. That'd be the most Drake thing to do. Give me the most tasteless chicken fingers and make the, make sure I can get them in my home. Yeah, just scrape all the salt off. Zach's minus the salt. That's raising canes. Yeah.

Uh, this is from, from Josh. and he says just listening to the 424 episode of the full cast this is the one where among other things we discussed what would happen if you injected mashed potatoes into your veins yeah as an emergency room doctor who has treated many patients who have injected things they shouldn't example pill casings silicone filler arnor palmer etc the guy or the beverage don't no not allowed hip up prevents you for that asking that question. The good thing my attorney is on the call. Miniaturized Arnold Palmer. Get in my blood. Nanopalmers. Inner space.

Pimparticle Arnold Palmer. This is the movie Interspace, but with Arnold Palmer. That's what I'm interpreting it. That he's at a little capsule going, pretty nice in here. You could put a nice little, this is the liver. You could put a nice little fairway there. T off into the pancreas. That's a little par four there.

It's large intestines, basically golf courts already. Yeah. i remember playing 18 with oj ones um so he believes he can help us with the injectable spuds question okay okay good if injecting a small of mash amount of mashed potatoes into a vein it would hopefully get caught in a venous valve causing distal away relative to the trunk swelling of the limb in which you injected in a nasty infection even if your mashed potatoes are sterile going in I want to be clear. This was the hopeful outcome.

By the way, he said after the, even if your mashed potatoes are sterile going in, they probably aren't. They're hard to sterilize. Is that the thing about potatoes? I'm guessing food in general is probably very difficult to sterilize. This sounds like an anti-Irish. What if you microwave it really long? Yeah. I would email.

They're real hot. What if they're straight out the McDonald's? Email Donald's ER doc about. mashed potato sterilization. You know how hot McDonald's fries get? Oh, yeah, that hot. Just cram them on in. Yeah.

Just set them on your skin and let your skin melt. They won't let you get the apple pies hot anymore. Remember a famous episode of our show? Ask to Stank. If it's enough to overcome the valves, which wouldn't take much, as they are, and this is all caps, or this is capitalized, not built for this. Then it would flow into the right side of the heart with the rest of the venous blood, then be pumped to the lungs. Oh, that's bad.

You got a bad case your potato lung. No, yeah, you want to talk about a World War I era athlete nickname. Potato lungs McElroy. Let me tell you, potato lungs was not long for this world as I'm about to describe. I imagine it would get caught in your pulmonary arteries where it would blow. blood flow to the lungs. If your heart gives out trying to pump against the immovable side dish sludge, then that's what kills you. Otherwise, you'll be unable to get oxygen from your lungs to your bloodstream. This is similar in impact, but distinct from suffocation, which is what would

happen if you instead drowned in mashed potatoes. One caveat I look forward to discussing with my medical colleagues. Would butter being liquid at human temperatures make the mashed potatoes less deadly proportionally to more butter used in the recipe what about gravy would more butter in your heart and circulation literally save your life yeah also training for this also the human body has a volume range of like four to seven liters of blood but it would take much less to kill you in terms of mashed potatoes sure uh thanks for all you guys podcast writing helped me get through some truly dark pandemic days etc hey thank you josh this is a very nice words but more importantly, like we appreciate the nice words, but more importantly, thank you for helping me

imagine dying by suffocating on mashed potatoes in my system. It's like, it's like, what if Vladimir Putin was from Illinois, basically? Like, that's how he kills you? Chicago Journal is dead of potato heart. Oh, the shame these three people are died from potatoes in bloodstream. I mean, if it's Chicago reporters, people are probably like, I could see it. This seems plausible. Yeah. He couldn't,

he just couldn't put the needle down. Couldn't stay away from... Big Ten Media Corps felled by starch. Sure. That'll stay away from that buttery crack. You can't say buttery crack on TV anymore. You can't replace all your blood with butter. You'll be canceled.

No, Jerry Seinfeld, you smoke too tough. Your body will self-cancell. If it canceled, I've been canceled. canceled by the woke medical stuff of my body that the extreme left side of my heart which which might I add is free of potato because it is all now in my lungs so that this is a useful way though of I think delineating human from Terminator like I think I think you could inject a Terminator with potato and nothing would happen it would it would probably cook it right It'd probably be fine.

This is like... I think it would bake it for you. Here's a hash brown. I'm going to poop a hash brown out for you. This is like, this is the stupidest version of that scene and the thing where they're doing the blood test, right? Except if you stay alive, you're the alien, right? It's just like, yep, okay, we found the alien. Right.

Everyone else is dead. However, we've killed everyone. However, now we know who's not dead. Now, however, now we have given the alien a research facility. And now the alien has mashed potatoes, too. So that's nice. Yeah. Have you ever wanted to make stuffed crust human? That's just what you did. Oh, no. Alien got sleepy, eating all the mashed potatoes.

He's vulnerable. Now we strike, except there's no one who can strike. You can't make a fat alien and abandon it in Australia, Antarctica anymore. Yeah, so apparently the alien was stuffing the humans. You can't assimilate a dog on TV anymore. And I, Jerry Seinfeld really want to do that. You can't shoot at a dog from a hell. helicopter in a movie and he went chrissy noem's like actually you can't brag about it 20 years later

and then get confused why all of america is mad at you you can't do that anymore i mean i guess you got away with it at the time so i guess it is true yeah then again at the time michael vick was going to jail if you're doing the same thing injecting mashed potatoes into a dog yes yes yes yes yep So, I'm going to be able to You know, I'm going to be able to

You know, I'm going to be able to You know I'm going to be able to I'm going to I'm going to I'm I'm

so I'm I'm I'm I'm Welcome to the shutdown for the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny, and on the ones and two's Michael Cerber. I wanted to

podcast business. Oh, yeah. Somebody. It's a business. Immediate business. Let's do business. Straight out fucking gate. Podcast business, Ryan, hit it. Live shows. Plural. Woo. The full Cast is coming to Indianapolis for Carb Day of the Indy 500. Is there a handy link I have where you can go find those tickets? No. But if you Google, shut down forecast. You can go to pre-owned airboats. It's linked there.

That's true. We have linked it on pre-owned airboats. And if you Google Shutdown Forecast Homefield Apparel, you will either find the shutdown forecast collection or you'll find a link to the show that we're doing in Indianapolis with Alanis King. on May 20 Friday May 24th server's going to be there helping us out on the technicals of it

there's barb there's barbecue shitload of barbecue we are cooking up potentially some special merch for it we have not we haven't settled on that yet and Homefield hasn't said we can make it yet but that has never stopped us we're going to sell it at the back of a trunk who's trunk

maybe yours doesn't matter that's number one it's actually it'll be Alanis's because remember she can get in her truck. That's fair. That's her whole thing. Can you trunk it? Number two, we have another live show that tickets are not on sale for yet in Portland.

That one's July 26th at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. I'm going to make sure I get that right. Yes, the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. I will tell people this now. This show, and I think there's going to be two shows that we do for this one, this show is in a planetarium because I have a very stupid idea to do a live podcast taping in a planetarium where the audience never actually sees us they just look at Mars or whatever and they hear a live show and so that's what we're gonna do you're

want to go to a live podcast but not see the hosts you'll see you'll see the space potatoes but not yes yes so be prepared for the dumbest thing possible if you go to that one and number three server can you kick this one off because it involves you as well. Saturday, August 24th at the Rialto in Raleigh, the first ever sports podcast festival. This is something that I think they're going to try to do every year. And the OGs are going to open up the show. Hand in the Dirt will be there as well for our first ever live show. That's probably the OG's first ever live show, although they do it at like a bar. You can always go up and harass them, I think, in Raleigh, when they're performing, which is a really nice.

that's a feature of that podcast anyway uh and then you guys are gonna headline the show yep this is our first time headlining a festival so uh i plan on wearing lots of like glow in the dark bracelets and um are you know lots lots of drugs what who's the drake of our show oh fuck not it shit not me nope i'm not going to put it on holly because she's not here so fine i'll be i'll be the drake of a show i like winning spencer's rich his haters aren't as rich as him I'm rich and I like winning And that's how many more figurines Spencer owns Than all of his haters combined

I'll buy figurines for all my boys His figurines like he doesn't even notice I don't even know I did it all by myself too That's why I'm on a group podcast Tickets for that show are not available For another few weeks Keep an eye out for that one

But yeah May 25th I think is actually when those Are gonna go on sale So the day after our indie show Yes So right now you can only buy tickets to the Indianapolis show. If you want to come, you should get on it because they're going to sell out before you know it, and then you're going to be sad that you didn't come

and get a high five from Spencer. As I understand, I haven't heard updated numbers today, but it's something like half of the tickets have been sold, and this is our first time actually announcing it on the podcast. Right. Right. So that's the bulk of podcast. I mean, there's other podcast business to do, but I really wanted to get that taking care of at the jump. So people who are smart, well, I was going to say, and smart and just listen to the podcast and aren't on social media. But I guess that is like slightly better for your brain than listening to this podcast and being on social media. So yeah. Yeah, we're not as harmful as all of social media. If you're doing, if you're doing that all at the same time,

I have an instruction for you, get some mashed potatoes. Get a syringe and then put one plus one together. You can't, you can't advise people to do that these days. we can't do that anymore I don't even know what voice I'm doing Seinfeldish The usual other podcast business supplies Channel 6 Go check it out

That is correct We're not all like this Go check it out Killer ants Go check them out Wherever you listen to music and such In the NFL There is no margin for error

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for their best rest. And now, during sleep number's biggest sale of the year, say 50% on the sleep number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. Only at a sleep number store or sleep number.com. Sleep number, official sleep and wellness partner of the NFL. See store for details. Am I forgetting anything major? I thought of a world without me and you know what it was? It was hell. It fucking sucked, didn't it? Wow.

Yeah, it was terrible. That sounds like something that would be approved by, say, Publishers Weekly and Kirkus Reviews. Yeah, sold over 2,000 copies at this point, which, like that's hard. Way over 2000. No, I was saying, you know, the average number was below 2,000. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. And you just fucking smoked that.

Maybe Moss scored way over 5 touchdown. Did you know that? We've sold over 2,000 copies, like, out of our house and at live events, in addition to all the ones on Amazon and elsewhere. How, how if, like, do you still have a bunch in your house at this point or have you successfully moved? We still got a box or two sitting around. Okay, okay. Yeah.

Because the photo you initially sent was, it was like, oh, good. Jason has a new roommate moving in it. Yeah. It was like, we have fucking, there were days when I would like take calls on the stack on the wall of boxes. Like I just set my computer there and this is my, this is my workstation for the days too. He builds little forts and things. Yeah, it was fun. This is my loneliness for.

I think it's his cocaine fork That was what it was for A good chunk of the Times that we're talking about I cannot believe He did not write a book called Cocaine Fort

It's haunted There's a couple of stories That are basically that It's awesomely haunted It's in Maine Yeah if you want to There's a reading of shining Of the shining

That is cocaine That's cocaine for I really want to think Haunted cocaine fort Just Oh we're snowed in Oh I get it The misery

Misery is Basically, cocaine fort with friend. Great friend, really affectionate friend. I'd like to see an alternate shining cover that just says cocaine. Same font, same bloody font. You just look at that giant stack of books he's got. He's like, yeah, I had a co-problem in the 80s. You're like, no.

Really? It turned out great for him, though. Like blaring horn from the movie? Cocaine fort. He's like every 50s baseball player on amphetamines, but it worked. You're like, don't do cocaine, folks. You'll become a wildly successful author. Damn, Stephen King through 38 complete games in one season.

That's crazy. Like, when we think about, like, cocaine-boasted careers, we think, like, you know, rock band singer. Like, no, just a guy on a typewriter. Just stating this to the Kurt Engel, don't do drugs, or you'll be incredible. Oh, don't do perks. You'll be quite possibly the greatest wrestler of all time.

Is Kurt Angle the greatest wrestler? No, perk angle. you don't want to you don't want me to Hulk up yeah hey Kurt I need you to deliver a fevered eight minute monologue of nothing but pure flames

and then jump off the top of this four story warehouse got it on it anyway go buy hell's world without yeah for more information along these lines the cocaine fort of its time

many here calling what is heaven it's not a cocaine fort in the sky it's made of per all the artwork it's just lots of like fluffy white

um flakes and stuff so it doesn't feel like there's anywhere private to go to the bathroom of heaven gotta be honest well so we were told i mean i know like all the artwork everyone's like standing on a fucking cloud and like i guess you're just supposed to pee on earth or whatever but we were told that everyone gets their own mansion because there's like a verse you can take literally and extrapolate all the way if you want so you can you can shit shit yourself crazy all day yeah little way said he had a hallway with like 10 bathrooms in it and you can shit all day that's heaven according to people who take one Bible first literally. Considering some of the things...

That's some Buckees. Yeah. Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. So I was also told that in heaven, it's like, it's a worship service for all eternity. Folks, if you don't like this, you won't like heaven. If you're telling me church or Buckees, yeah, I know where I'm going. That's not even a blink of a decision here, brother. Buckees pays better, too.

just give me the wall of jerky at the bukeys i don't need the whole buckies just the wall of jerky who needs the lamb's book of life they got lamb jerky they got lamb listen fresh brisket on the board never heard that in a church server what's your go-to jerky i have you yeah i've not gotten to go to buckies enough to to have a uh a variety but the everyone that i've had has been phenomenal okay uh i don't even remember off the top of my head but i haven't had one that i was like me They were all really awesome. I just got some churro cashews from Buckees. That's Bucky's snack of the month right there.

That's a winner. Churro cashews. I like when Buckees does a nut treat because you're like, well, it's a nut. It's good. It's good treat. I was like, I pounded the whole bag for breakfast and it was like, all right, what a heart start morning. This is. How much sugar is in it?

Mind your business. Don't worry about it. Not the nut. The nuts. It's counteracted by all the fiber or whatever. That is one of the facts. The fattest, healthy, the fattest fat kid things I've ever heard in my life. Candy cashews?

Yeah, oh, they're, they're churro cashews. Like, cashews aren't delicious enough. I need to combine them with famously fat kid snack, the churro, which even sounds fat. Like, churro sounds fat. It's a plant. It's basically a vegetable. Basically spinach. I'm, like, I'm a fat guy, and I hear the word churro, and I go, you rang?

Like, that's some fat kid shit. it's a great it's a great place and i'll tell you're how fat we'd get buckies for all eternity you can't die just do what a job of the that's praising the lord they'll be like that's bad for you you'll die and you'll be like been there brother tried that didn't take yeah how'd you get here mashed potato injection

of course and now i'm pursuing pursuing my passions here they can't hurt me I'm more potato than angel now Potato Angel has to be some sort of Christmas store in the Midwest. That's really good. Yeah, that's like the first great thing when the farmer has potato surplus. The VBS in Indiana is like, all right, kids, we have a million potatoes.

Get to work. All right, that concludes podcast business. I'm sorry that I cut you off immediately, Spencer. There's the end. Yeah. I wanted to do this this week. I wanted to talk a little bit about not just we're at the time in the year when the NBA is on and I don't know if you saw the other night, but Charles Barkley when they were talking about where the pelicans were going to go because the pelicans did some extremely, they did some quit some some loud quitting. They did not quiet quit.

Yeah. They just decided the season was going to be done and that they were going to. fuck playoffs are hard they just yeah they just committed a self potato yeah they did they auto potatoed and they decided to just go to go to cancun right and that is the joke of course gone fishing is the bit on uh inside the nba inside the mba on t and t that they do whenever somebody gets out of the playoffs they photoshop them into a boat where they're fishing like presumably in cancun which a number of real life NBA players do in fact go to mexico cancun somewhere in that neighborhood after the season is finished anyway uh

They asked Barclay where the pelicans were going. He said, Galveston. With that dirty water. That dirty ass water. People think, and my favorite part was the way he said this part. He goes, people go there and think they're going to the beach. I don't remember who. Somebody brought up, like, very clearly, probably when he was at Auburn,

somebody tricked Charles Barkley into going to. Absolutely. For spring break and it stuck with him. It's a photo of him renting a bicycle. Like, Chuck, you put your big ass on a bicycle. Yeah. It's an extremely funny bit, but it also reminded me of other funny bits on there. Of course, the time that they mock mocked the 911 call when the clip, I believe it was the Clippers.

We're running into the Rockets locker room. Oh, Chris Paul's trying to beat me out. etc but it also reminded me that they have these post-it notes they post on the wall there where they make their most sort of like outlandish predictions about the season whatever is to come right and i was like it's time to put up our own post-it notes y'all so i like information-free not just predictions about what what are going to happen call your goddamn shot and i don't mean oh i have an interesting insight which based upon data i have seen i am going to record for all of posterity.

No, I don't want that. I want you to just pull some shit and throw it all the wall. And we're gonna see if it sticks. So you phrased this in the text to Jason and I and Holly as irresponsible predictions. We have done shows like this in the past and we've called them bold predictions.

And I ask you, and I'd like you to explain here, what is the difference between a bold prediction and an irresponsible prediction? A bold prediction is one that might be weighted with a little bit of data right might be might be you know it's something where an analyst could say hey i see a little bit of an angle here there's a little bit of daylight under this otherwise closed door that leads me to indicate there might be something back here that is a bold prediction right right it anticipates the development or emergence of a trend

nerd fuck that i don't want that i want irresponsible prediction i want something that's true posting I want something that is so far off the hip bits on somebody else's hip. All right. Can I offer what I think is maybe this is not pulled from anybody who submitted this. I was just trying to think about an example of this. So let's say Missouri wins the SEC as a bold prediction. Missouri has some like good talent returning. They have a schedule that they got to play Alabama and Oklahoma, but like I don't think

anybody really knows what to think of Alabama this year. they don't have a non-conference schedule that's terrifying yeah you see by the way you see all of us at every point are going that's true sure well that's true look we're moving we're moving towards the seemingly ever more logical conclusion that initially we doubted now it's bold because missou hasn't won an SEC title and the SEC's getting bigger yeah yeah it's still bold but but i think it sits in the bold framework here is to me the irresponsible version of that prediction Missouri wins the national championship, and they beat Nebraska in the title game to do it. That to me is an irresponsible prediction, because now I've taken two things, and I have to make both of them true in the highest stakes way possible. The parlay. We're talking, this is a take parlay, basically, right? And that's what makes it irresponsible.

And not only two extremely unlikely things, and they have to combine, and there are just incomprehensible emotional stakes there because either for Nebraska it's yet another recent rugpole or for Mazoo you're losing your best shot in many, many decades to the team you hate the most, let's be honest. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, so that, I feel like that's a useful example of irresponsible versus bold.

Yes, I think you have, you have understood the assignment here. Okay, good. And several of our listeners, I believe, genuinely understood the assignment to, based on the quotes that you have pulled here. I think most people got it. So, so I, we asked for submissions on Twitter. We got a lot. And I did try to filter them both along the lines we've just laid out, irresponsible versus, like, are there bold predictions? 100%.

I wanted the irresponsible ones. And I tried to have a little bit of variety. with who the teams were about. A lot of people have big thoughts about Alabama, obviously, a lot of people have big thoughts about Iowa because this is the shutdown forecast, and that makes sense. So I have tried to, there are a couple places

where I have multiple options, but I have tried to sort of limit it to the, maybe like one or two a team. But I'm assuming this is also on us to come up with some of our own irresponsible predictions. Yes, yes. So do you want to start with us? us or with the readers?

Let's start with the readers, and then we'll come back intermittently to us. Okay. Jason, do you want to pull in first? I would love to. From Matt F-15, one team that's in the initial top 12 playoff rankings fires their coach by the end of the season. This is a great one. This is a really great one. So let me tell you about a team that is entering the season with a coach already on the hot seat.

Okay. Let's run through their, the first playoff rankings, they come out around Halloween. All right. This team, their first seven games of the season before those playoff rankings, Miami at home, FCS opponent at home, Texas A&M at home, at Mississippi State, by week, UCF at home, at Tennessee, Kentucky at home. You're telling me the Florida Gators can't be in the neighborhood of seven and one through that stretch. I am telling you that, yes. Anywhere between 4 and 4 and 8-0 is plausible.

If we want to be irresponsible, sure. Absolutely. I mean, I'm not seeing any teams there I'm terrified of. And, you know, that's to say nothing of my confidence in the Gators. I'm just saying, looking at that stretch, 6 and 2 isn't the craziest thing I've ever heard. So let's just say the Gators are 7 and 1, the one lost to UCF, of course.

And they're, you know, they're around 10th in the first playoff rankings. The following five games, Georgia, at Texas, LSU, the most hyped Ole Miss team in almost 20 years, and at Florida State. Let's call that at least four losses right there. So we're going from 7 and 1 to 7 and 5, just like that. I think that does it. I think Florida's got a great shot to pull this one off, actually. God, I hate this. I hate this very much. Yeah, this was fine.

But it's not impossible at all. I have. Like, to use a recent example, the first playoff poll of last year, which obviously isn't the 12-team playoff. And this is far down, but like flip one result, and it could have happened, and it still could have played out poorly. Number 19 team in the country, UCLA, 6 and 2. I will tell you right now UCLA did not run the table after that and while they didn't fire Chip Kelly

there was a lot of rumblings that they should have and maybe we're going to didn't have to yeah yeah problem solved problem solved I have what I believe is an irresponsible given the amount of talent on this roster I believe I have an irresponsible prediction

but one that just feels like I want to get it out in the world because it feels good that makes it irresponsible right I'm not supposed to feel good about my analytical predictions as a pundit no this one feels good four win LSU

four four wow four do you care about the schedule or is it just no I don't right I'm not even going to open the schedule that's not even no look

I'm gonna take a peek I'm gonna take a peek this is Nick Young even though I did that's that's what it makes this an irresponsible. What makes me like,

you can you defend this? How dare you say this about LSU? It's an irresponsible prediction, motherfucker. I can say whatever I want. I mean, let's say we give you, let's say we give them Nichols, South Alabama, and Vandy. They still got to play USC and Vegas at South Carolina, UCLA, Ole Miss at Arkansas, at A&M, Bama at Florida. There's a lot of tall orders in there, I think, other than UCLA.

The last time LSU failed to win five games in a season. Do you know when this was, Spencer? Curly Holman. No, later than that. 1990. 1999, the year Jerry DeNardo got fired, yes, where they, let's see, who were the three wins against, they opened the year, 2-0, San Jose State and North Texas, then they lost four, five, six, seven, eight straight games before they beat ranked Arkansas by 25 points.

Good God. saved it all up. What a fucking LSU season that is. I mean, that is the most LSU season because it was when they played Arkansas at the end of the season and literally anything could happen in that game in any year.

That was one year when Casey Dick came out of nowhere to beat LSU when I believe they were, LSU was favored by double digits. Yeah. Oh, they also got to play Oklahoma. Sorry. So there's another. There's another. But like, that defense is so bad.

That defense was so bad and they're losing a Heisman trophy winner. And I'm just going to stop there. And two awesome receivers. And two incredible receivers. And the guy who's supposed to replace them all has had some things going on. But you know what? We don't have to analyze what? No, I don't. It just is. I think that makes it more fun. We're going to rely on LSU's defense to to warn off the four game prophecy. I am excited for LSU fans once they hit five wins to be in your mentions fucking constantly. Yeah. Absolutely. it's their five and three we sure showed him we did it we did it this is that meme with the champagne where the guy's in like third place third yeah that could be way down there oh um okay this is also

going in my thinking that like in the new s in the new SEC and in the new big 10 when somebody starts a slide fucker that slide goes all the way down like if you if you're going to have a like an absolute rotted onion of a season, the trunk, it goes so much deeper now. Yeah. For some teams, yeah. It can't, it can work out that way. Yeah. Or you might, or you might luck into having more, uh, um, bumpers on your, uh, on your, on your,

on your, on your pool, uh, it's weird because like, there's also like, part of having just sort of like looked at the schedules a little bit, teams have like weird stretches where they're Like, we have five home games in a row. We don't play, we don't play a row game for a month and a half. Like, I don't know how much that will be a buffer to the kind of thing you're talking about, but. Yeah, I don't know. But, like, I think when things go bad in big leagues, like, you can just take a drubbing for, like, months on end. All right.

I liked Jason's pick from Matt F because it has a world of possibilities. Like, anybody can be in the top 12 of the playoff ranking. then they can suck after that and fire their coach. Sure, 100%. This is one from Follow Your underscore heart that's very specific. Pit finishes multiple games with five points. Sold. Gabble. And wins both games. Yeah, I don't want to look at which games those are. I don't want to break down the likelihood of it. I just like that part of my brain now will keep eye on pit football to be like, have they gotten a fight win? Have they, have they got one? They get one, they get one in like, uh, they're going to get some like West Virginia week three. And it's like, oh my God, we're on pace. We're on, we just need one more. And the bowl counts. And the bowl counts. God damn. I can't tell you how hard no look. I just bought into this. Just, yeah. It's so good. Like, you're telling me Pitt, Virginia can't end five three. That's fair. That's a fair point. I want, this is, man, Maddie Shaw. Maddie Shaw put one.

Way upon the flagpole. There were a handful, and we have some other good Alabama ones, but this is maybe the most irresponsible prediction anyone gave us at all. It's from Maddie Shaw 14. Bold, beyond bold, beyond irresponsible, frankly, and that's why I'm respecting this so much. Alabama, four, loses more games than UMass.

Three. Wow. Mind you, a UMass that plays, Missou and Georgia this year. So wiping the rest of the schedule is what I hear. I like it. Okay. Got it. Yeah. At Toledo.

This is rough. This is a rough schedule. At Miami of Ohio. At Mississippi State. Yeah. I'm not buying this in the least, but God damn, the bravado here is insane. What would, okay,

what do you think would get more attention if, let's just say, say Bama loses four games. Like, I think that is, that's obviously bad, but that's maybe not in the like red alert column for first year after following a legend. Or UMass going nine and three, like, I don't, I, I mean, like, college football people would notice UMass going nine and three. Yeah. General population would notice Bama going before. Yeah, I suppose that's true. I suppose that's And a little, it will depend a little bit, like, if UMass goes 90s, if you mass beats Georgia, if you must be Georgia or Missouri, Mississippi State, I don't think it would matter, quite move the needle as much.

But like, I think either one of those potentially could do it. I think, I think Kirby would, I think Kirby would probably kill himself on the 50 if they did that. He would, he would be like, sempai, I'm so sorry. I expect you to do the honorable thing by sunset tomorrow. Yeah. So you can attend church, of course. Sure. Yeah.

This is one that doesn't necessarily feel that out there, but I like it because it sort of like pushes my brain in interesting directions. I'm going to stay in the state of Pennsylvania. This is from Antifoldo. Penn State finishes the regular season 11 and 1 and still misses the Big Ten championship game. Like, the way schedules work now is, I guess, is plausible because if you had two undefeated teams that Penn State hadn't played, that would make it work. If you had, like, weird tiebreakers, that would make it work. I mean, I feel like the simplest one is they play Ohio State that pretty much always just wrecks everything for them as having to play Ohio State.

yeah i mean that is traditionally accurate but in the game is uh 16 to 19 19 to 14 right right james franklin went for a two-point conversion he didn't have to go for yeah like michigan's not on here so uh they can they can do it organ's not on here so like there alone you have like if Michigan and Oregon don't lose more than twice and are ahead of Penn State and whatever else, like you might not even need Ohio State for it. God, this one, maybe this one isn't bold at all. Maybe this one isn't irresponsible.

Let me tell you, let me tell you the real, do you want to just extend this a little bit further? Yeah, let's push this out a little bit further to make it further away from irresponsible and more into James Franklin anti-fanfic. Okay? and it would be this that they go 11 and 1

they miss the Big 10 championship game they get into the playoff and they're eliminated by like a much lower seed. By three loss you mess. Something like that. Yeah. Just like a horrible performance where like Drew Aller has been like lights out

and they run the ball 52 times for 90 yards. Sure. Just something like well we thought we'd have to switch up tendencies. You know it would really, we know it would really fucking be miserable about that. is that's probably a home game. Like, they're probably not in the top four. So that means they're gagging away

a playoff first round game against somebody that they're hosting. Doing all sorts of logistical shenanigans to truck 100,000 people into the middle of the world to watch them lose to UMass. In January. Fucking Christmas season. This is what Teddy Roosevelt wanted.

God damn it. He said, we said we had to keep the sport. He said it's good for you. I foresee it. where one day at 3.15 p.m., the sun will go down on 100,000 miserable Penn State fans. All screaming, why didn't you take a timeout? You had a fucking timeout left. Ha, ha, bully! Why didn't we just trust the bowls and poles?

Now fetch my potato injection. Makes me tougher. Server, you submitted one that I selected for our Clemson selection. Would you like to share it with the class? Uh, yeah, um, Clemson will start one and four, uh, and one of those losses will be to Appalachian State. And I don't think that's just bold. I do think it's a little irresponsible because everyone always says, oh, says, oh, App State's going to get that power five team. And then they, they don't do it. They did do it that one time, but they usually do not do that thing. Now, now you have left out one key part of your prediction. You said after that they'll win out. Oh yeah, after that they will win out. though. Okay. So Clemson. And I did not say, I do have a thought about who the one win will be. Who? I think they're going to be Georgia. Okay. Okay. All right. So I just want to be clear.

Woo. Server is postulating a world in which Clemson beats Georgia, but loses, but then loses to App State, NC State, and Stanford in a row. Yes. so I will tell you there's one little note of realism here and that under dabbo they're kind of a figure it out team over the first like four to six games okay and they really do sort of snap into whatever they're going to be around game five or game six and I think they've always been comfortable with that because of the talent differential and that's not really going to be as much of a case as it has been in the past so server I'm not going to dissuade you from putting this in the irresponsible category but I will say this particular this particular bit of fanfic has a little nugget of truth in it so when they're figuring it out they beat Georgia

well I mean because you never know an inspirational they figured it out too quick they had to go back to the drawing hang on really back in really this Georgia this Georgia game is much more like he got the roll up

holy shit he got the roll up you know like George didn't say it yeah double J style victory you know Can you think of... We have the shorts! I know we're deluded by current successes

and the incredible run that Kirby Smart has had there, but what would be more classically Georgia than committing six turnovers against Clemson? That feels like that you dust it off that bottle and you got it from deep within the wine cellar of Georgia Sorrow. So that would be, yeah, I buy it. That game is at Clemson. It's not a neutral site, right?

No, it is. It's Atlanta. Oh, it's in Atlanta. All right. Clemson fucks around in Atlanta, too. Okay. We like playing there. Okay.

I do like the idea of the return of Silly Georgia. They've got their two titles. Let's run it back. I want Silly Georgia back. Transit of loss to App State, Georgia. Transit of lost to Stanford. Yeah. Sure.

Absolutely. Okay. Spencer, give us another. At Holdenlink has, I think, one that I could kind of buy um you know like a three percent buy it's a black swan occurrence at some point in the season Georgia Tech will win three consecutive games for the first time since 2018 um that's that just that fact like that's most of why I put this one on is I was like I know George I know it has not been great times recently for Georgia Tech but

they really haven't won three in a row You can, it's a scientific term. That's all a lot of butt. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Three in a row. Uh, yeah.

Given how bad they've been, that is an irresponsible wager, right? But given how bad you'd have to be in a row and what an accomplishment that would be, I don't know. I'd take a flyer on it. Sure. Do you want to, do you want to schedule hunt for this one? Um, though it is against the spirit of this. Uh-huh.

Yeah. even looking a single thing up right i'm going to do it okay okay so if we look at the 24 georgia tech football schedule uh and we're looking for three wins in a row i think i can see three off the top okay it's not easy but you could do this okay so you're going to lose to florida state in dublin a real thing i can say and you're getting it made fun of so hard you'll cry because they're Irish. Then you face the Georgia State Panthers, not a pushover, but a winnable, at Syracuse, again, winnable, and then you get VMI.

Those are three in a row. And then it's not going to be four in a row because you play Louisville. I think I agree with that, but Louisville is also, Louisville is kind of Georgia Techy in a way where it's like, right when Louisville is on a role, that's when they're. they will barf up a game is there i have i have a counter is there a quarterback jack plumber anymore no okay so that's a win yeah i hear you i hear you yeah if it's if it's not that stretch it's not any of them it's not that stretch brother they need to get it right there because it's not happened otherwise i could i could talk my no i couldn't i would like to talk myself into know

Notre Dame Virginia Tech Miami just because I think that would be a very funny three games in a row to win for Georgia Tech but I think they can hang with anybody in that conference I mean it's they're they're a scrappy little bullshit team yes but the problem is can they hang three times in a row that's a lot but there's not I guess there's not a single team on their schedule other than through the end that I'm like oh no they're out of that one okay okay okay uh Jason do you have another one you want to pick from Drew Ham 5

Pack 12 makes the playoff this year So I have looked into the Oregon State's probably the better bet For the Tribulation Force to make the playoff Their power conference games Oregon, Purdue Cal

Washington State If you beat Oregon And you get them at home And you get them early That's likely going to hold up pretty well That's going to be so weird It's two and a half months too early that's fucked up.

Before power conference wins, okay. Otherwise, a Mountain West schedule that you don't have to play, you do have to play Boise, you don't have to play Fresno State. You got to play Air Force. You got to play a UNLV. So like you have to play a,

you're going to end up with, I think, lots of, assuming you go undefeated Oregon State. I think you'll end up with a nice number of wins over teams with winning records and potentially a top 10 win over Oregon. Like I think the undefeated, you know, throw in a power kind of,

conference championship hastily scheduled conference championship against Washington state to attack on another win um yeah sure sure that's a playoff resume in the big ass playoff year it's almost like a weird uh b y ue existence like before b yu joined a conference that this schedule sets up where it's like there's enough power conference meet here that you can kind of see it but it's also like You know, A, it's hard to go undefeated. And I don't even know what the playoff committee would do at this point with that. Like, I really, if you, like, I don't know what the playoff committee would do with, let's say, one loss Oregon State or Wazoo.

Let them in. Maybe. I think they'd get in. So if they're 11 and 1, I think, I mean. Are they going to let them in over a, over a two, I don't think they'll let them in over a two loss. So they'd have to rank, they'd have to rank 11th or better, because, like, that auto bid will go to someone else. But do they get the auto?

Yeah, right. Exactly. They won't, yes. They're not eligible for that, right? Right. I don't think so. I don't think they are. To be fair, this is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.

Also, like, I don't think it's a problem. I don't think you're the problem. I don't think college football knows the answer to this one. I was briefly like, oh, what an idiot I am for not knowing that. And then I'm like, why in God's name would anyone need to know that? If the Paxwell still has its auto bid or whatever, or is eligible for any. So, yeah, Oregon State will make the playoff.

Done. Sold. That'd be good. All right, I'll go ahead and just walk right out on Tulam here. Nebraska's going to win the Big Ten. They're just going to do it. It's time. It's like, whatever God has been mad at Nebraska football,

for the better part of, what are we looking at, like almost 25 years now, that debt has to be paid by now. Like the players involved with Kornhusker football, they were not even alive when this was a like massive machine of a program. They certainly weren't sentient. And it just has to be time for the shoe to, like it can't all be bullshit,

and stupid. It can't be that forever. At some, like, Mr. Bean is a character. He is not a real person existing as a college football team. And like, fuck it. Nebraska's just going to win the Big Ten outright. They're going to win the, they're going to go to the conference title game. They're going to be three touchdown underdogs and they're going to fucking win the game. Yeah. Hell yeah. And then that rule's going back to the Panthers. Matt Rule, God, he might have a better team right now. Matt Rule's going to cut so many promos. He's going to cut so many hard promos that they have no choice but to succeed.

Yeah. You know, this Nebraska schedule. You can't, you can talk yourself into it. It's like you do the usual thing. Well, obviously seven and oh by the time we go to Ohio State. But like, you know, we know the record of close losses and like, not just close losses, but close losses that happen in the stupidest and most unfortunate ways. Nebraska has to be due for a all the bullshit, like you got benefited from all the bullshit.

I think, I think, uh, Missouri fans are like, no, no, they're still, no, no, they got that already. I like that Ryan is making the, is making the same argument I do and I don't want to leave the roulette table. like double zero it's coming up i will i will say this is the same i don't do it anymore but this is the same thing i used to do and for obvious reasons in the last three years i stopped doing where it's like you get to new year's eve and you're like next year's going to be better it just has to be and it turns out it's just the calendar turns and that's it nothing actually changes because of that i'm due baby polo polin 1938 but for nebraska it is true this year oh yeah I see the difference there.

Yep. I see the difference in those two things. How sometimes past results are, in fact, the harbinger of entirely different results going forward. That's right. It's not just that the penny has been heads for Nebraska for two decades. It's that the penny keeps fucking, like, poking them in the eye. I think it's that they have run out of pennies that have heads on them. Now, they only have stunt pennies, and they're the right ones.

right it's going to all be fine at matt coffelt another team in texas not named the university will get a playoff win god i have the funniest suggestion and i'm not going to look at the schedule i'm not going to pick nam one name off it but i am going to give you this it would be so fucking funny if texas tech just gritted and gutted and gurd and grudged their way to a playoff win under Joey McGuire because Joey McGuire would be saying the most irresponsible shit imaginable if they won.

ACC champ SMU. A lot of good possibilities here. If UTSA wins a playoff game, Texas A&M gets to be like, shit, we hired the wrong. I knew we should have got Jeff Trailer. I knew we should have done it. Baylor and TCU, it's like, good. Texas was holding us back the whole time.

We didn't need them. yeah uh Texas A&M we get to immediately be like yep was Jimbo's fault Jimbo was no it worth it worth it yeah thank you Jimbo for laying the foundation what an investment it was firing that asshole I'd pay double to win a playoff game I love that I love that we've gone for so this is now the first time I actually like the big playoff when it's like woohoo we want to playoff game oh fuck now we got to play now we got I'm actually a good team. Now we've got to go to the orange bowl and get our heads caved in.

So now we have done all that shit just to make the old playoff. Spencer, before you go, I want to leave you with one more. Okay. This is from At Damos 75. We're not going to explore the possibilities of this. Florida beats Miami, Florida State, and UCF, but fails to make a bowl game. Love it. Fucking terrible.

Absolutely love it. because you know what I would be like who fucking cares yeah that would be the best way to go five and seven or three and nine frankly like yeah

it would be funny if we handed Miami their only victory and it was because uh Mario Cristobo got distracted by a fly in the lights or something sure yeah I think whenever you have a season like that just make state champs shirts

100% there's so much beauty in the world it's just a bad Mario calling time out