Shutdown Fullcast - COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP RECAP, EVENTUALLY

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Michigan-Washington recap is preceded by a 45-minute field trip to suburban Birmingham Today’s theme song was arranged and performed by Russell Powell Visit preownedairboats dot com with all haste Visit SHUT DOWN FULL BOOKS DOT COM  for exclusive literary revelations  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I was thinking about this as Michigan's winning a national title. A thing that comes up on this show sometimes and came up at Split Zone. And I asked this question purely from a place of curiosity, not from whining. I want to be very clear about that. But it is pointed out that, like, Spencer and Ryan, your team has won three national titles, stop being stupid babies. I accept that that all is true. It's fine. My question is this.

Do any of you have a sense of what the statute of limitations on? Like, do Nebraska fans get to be big stupid babies because their teams won plenty of national titles, but it's been a long damn time? Like, where is the point at which your most recent title, do Miami fans get to complain? This is a good topic. So, so I'm genuine, I'm curious, not for my own, uh, not trying, you're not trying to get yourself off the hook. No, and I have, like, my own perspective, my own honest perspective on this is that I got to attend one Florida National Championship in person just as a, just as a civilian. Like, this was before I was doing any of this work. And, like, that's enough.

Like, I can, every time I get pissed, I'm just like, but I got that. And that's some really cool shit. And lots of people will not get that. And I am, like, appreciative of it and recognize that it's cool. So I think I have an answer. Okay. I think this. I think you get 20 years. That's it. And even then, I think I'm being generous because people's memories are so short. I think if it's been 20 years, you get to complain. All right. Realistically speaking, if you're young, that number goes down. The position's relative. For instance, a Nebraska fan complaining about it to a Minnesota fan is looking at the mall of we haven't won a national title since 1954. Murray-Wormath was our coach and television's all. only had two channels and came in black and white. That to me indicates that the Nebraska fan is bitching rather than complaining from

the heart with a justified sort of philosophical basis for said complaint. So I think that's true. However, if a Clemson fan were complaining to that Nebraska fan, right, that they hadn't won one in a while, I'm given an extreme case, but yeah. Do you think it's audience dependent? I think it's, I think it is like most, like most principles of physics, it's relative, it's relative depending. Okay, okay. So I think, I mean, I think generally 20 years is a pretty decent cutoff for the time in which you're allowed to cry about your team.

If you've won a championship in that span. I don't base it strictly on fan bases entire because like a 60-year-old Nebraska fan. fan got to see their team kick all sorts of ass, right? Whereas a 30-year-old Nebraska fan was four years old, like at most, the last time they split a national title, right? So, like, a Nebraska fan 30 years or under has had absolute sports hell foisted upon them. They can cry all they want, in my opinion. Whereas a Nebraska fan 35 years old is like, oh, come on, your first memory was like, you know, winning multiple titles. So, for me, it's about the age of the individual fan.

Interesting. That's a good wrinkle. And do you even, for those people, like, is it an accumulation thing? So, like, a 60-year-old Nebraska fan, if they live 20 more years and Nebraska still, like, let's say, worst case, Nebraska continues to not make a bowl game for 20 years. Is it still, like, too bad, you got to see some awesome shit and you just don't get to complain? So, like, the way I see it is you can complain about your team. But you can't do the, oh, we are, we are God's forgotten children. We are the, we have it worse than everyone else.

You can't do that shit. Right, okay. If you have witnessed multiple national schools. Who's got it worse than us? Right. You cannot do that dramatic stuff about, you have to be objective about, well, lots of people have it way worse than you. Right.

You can complain about how bad your team was. Nebraska, you know, the last decade of Nebraska, you can complain about all those close losses and all of it. It was terrible, objectively terrible. But your experience has still been a net positive if you are of a certain age and experience. If you're a 25-year-old Nebraska fan, thank you for remaining on this planet with us. But that's part of the interesting thing is that a fan base is made up. Nebraska is a really good example of it, but like USC is this is some extent, and Florida is becoming this to some extent.

They're made up of these different tranches where it's like you have that group that, Like, yeah, got to see the glory days and got to see all this really cool shit. And then, like, a lot of Michigan fans, a lot of younger Michigan fans were like, yeah, I was like five years old in 1997. It didn't like, I couldn't really appreciate it. So, so it sort of struck something for them that it maybe didn't mean the same to like a 55 year old Michigan fan. Whereas y'all, the Florida fans are kind of the opposite, right? Like a 70-year-old Florida fan is like, well, nothing happens. happened until you guys came around you got all of it right right yeah old florida fans are amazing

they're like oh yeah no this isn't bad you should see what you should like galen hall florida and nebraska when you collided you traded spots like literally you won the next title and then like you spent the two thousand's opposite and and now you're kind of rejoining each other but yeah i was looking at the list of championships and deciding that if there were an arbitrary a 20-year rule, who is rounding into the final year of their non-complaint era. Texas, due to winning the 2005 title, you are now entering the final year of your complaint-free era. Next year, you may become slightly aggrieved.

So USC is officially, they can cry all they want. Yeah, USC is now, congratulations, as of the stroke of midnight last night, USC has now entered into the acceptable theatrical bitching era of USC fandom you are now allowed to why us nobody has ever suffered worse than we have you're allowed to do all that stuff USC also was really helped by the end of it was was particularly like oh it's stopped now it's stopping very hard dad left dad left and he's somehow suing me yeah maybe maybe we can save the plane the plane's wings are off okay that sure does feel like a potential scenario that could be emerging at this very moment, in fact, that we might look back on 20 years from now. Whatever could you be talking about, Jason?

Oh, you know, Mike Rable, the exit of Mike Rable from the Titans is mainly what I was referring to. Isn't it curious that Boltman retired and now all these planes are having all these problems with their bolts? Ryan, what is the mood in Nashville? Oh, man. I know the streets. I won't even go outside. It's not, it's more of like a day of morning, I would say here. Quiet, somber.

Like, where else are you going to find a coach who would chop his own dick off to win a Super Bowl? You know? Well, now he doesn't have to. That's good. That's, yeah, good news for the Vrable family dynamic, I suppose. I mean, I know that, I know that man, that man the minute he was fired pants off. hands off beer cracked I am excited for whoever gets that job next

because they're just going to be hated after like lost two it's just going to be like this guy sucks we should have stuck with Rabel and it's just like he's doomed already whoever he is yeah that's every team I guess

I also like that this is maybe the one NFL job where nobody is like well Jim Hart Harbaugh might be, no, Jim Harba's not even slightly interested in the fucking Titans. If the Titans are the best job available, then what we'll hear is go Blue. I am so, I am so excited to try to bring Michigan another national title. I think my favorite tweet about this was from Kevin Clark, he said, the best option on the Titans board is Mike Vrable, which means they made a colossal mistake.

Arthur Smith is available, bring him home. Arthur Smith etiquette expert I like that his last his last act as coach on the field of the Atlanta Falcons was hollering at somebody about manners got an apology though didn't he

you know what he did because speaking of teams that are now entering I think the second decade of their complaint-free issue former Florida State quarterback James Winston evidently just made that call in the field I'm sorry

the team made The team made the call. The team made the call. We did it for us. welcome to the shutdown fullcast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall i am joined as always by jason kirk ryan nanny holly and on the ones and two's life in the beautiful state of north carolina michael surber we are a day removed from Michigan winning the national title in college football. And that means I want to discuss the most important story of the past week, which is a guy getting stuck in an urn in Birmingham, Alabama.

I'm sorry, not an urn, not an urn. I am informed by the man himself, Connor Padgett, that the urn is not an urn. It is a, and I am pronouncing it as he, pronounces it, a vase. It's classy. It is a vase. If you have not seen it, it is a video of a man in a mountain brook social event. Mountain Brook is a fru-fru-fushi neighborhood in Birmingham, Alabama in evening where trapped up to his chest in a vase, a large garden-type vase that he has stuck himself in. And you go, well, why would this man do this?

Well, he didn't interview with the Jort Center podcast where, in his words, my stupid ass got in it because he'd seen somebody else get into it. And he thought he needed to get into it. If you haven't seen it, it's also him struggling, screaming, hollering, saying, I took my belt off in it. Didn't do shit in that exact accent. In case you don't know, he's from Blackland, Mississippi. And the twang, the twang is on a lot. 11 the entire time. Is this somebody who just

sort of like hangs out and lives life just a dude? Nope. This is an architect. It's a working architect who you go, is this SEC as hell? Yeah. Yeah, he went to Mississippi State. The Mississippi State School of architecture is where he claims his degree from.

Brian, this is the funniest thing I have seen maybe in years. When you called me when I was in the airport. to tell me this is what you wanted to talk about first on the show. Yeah, whatever happened.

Like, this was pregame. I was like, whatever happens in the title game, we're talking about this first. You were laughing maybe the hardest I have heard you in years. Yeah, and I'm going to start again. You were losing your mind. And I think it's important for those who haven't seen it that, like, a big part of what makes it delightful is what the crowd at this party is doing around him. Nothing. Like, a couple things.

Absolutely nothing. One thing they're not doing is putting down their drinks. Like everyone who's trying to lend a hand or trying to offer encouragement is doing so with a cocktail in one hand and one free hand to be like, oh, Connor, Connor, you can do it. And there's so many people. There's so much advice. So many people. That's Jason said on the other thing. There's a lot of advice, although a lot of it amounts to just encouragement.

Get your ass on up out of there. There's a lot of that. Connor doesn't want it bad enough. Uh-huh. There's a lot of sockless wiggins who are like, you just need to dig down and find your want. You can do it. Conor, we believe in you, Connor. Why is still in there when you can just get out?

Connor, just stand up. Just stand up, Connor. Connor just phase through it. Why don't you? And I think that's important because that's clearly a big part of what's making him so fucking mad during this whole process. They don't know how hard this is. Bethany and Anna Bethany telling him just stand up in the voice. With the Pino Grigio in hand.

You can just, here just straighten your legs. It's that easy. But they're not wrong because they didn't tell him to get in the urn. He did this on his own accord. I quote, I quote Connor, my stupid ass got in it. Yeah, but maybe his stupid. ass took some stupid ass advice well what happened this is how you know it's a good story because you have to start with what happened was uh when he got down in there according to uh mr paget uh his knees hit

the front of the vase if you will as they were bending and he was wearing a pair of men's boots and those men's boots helped lock him in there once his ass got down in there he got down into the waist so that once he got down and jammed himself in the boots sort of pressed back and locked him in like kind of like just a just a perfect like finger lock situation but with connor's whole body uh which is why he's sitting there to his waist or some sorry his chest in one of those like home depot or uh world market world market is a hundred percent what it is yeah that's that's the style at least like i somebody was saying i saw somebody online saying like this is a very fancy part of town this is probably a rather

expensive version of the world market decorative earn the bill for this because spoiler alert he did have to be chiseled out like a vet I didn't know how he got out it was okay yes there's a second video that I know got sent to Bunky Bunky Perkins by like this is I love it you know that's a great news story when it's like news source Bunky Perkins like that's how I know It's either an Ole Miss coaching rumor or this type of thing. Before we get there, Holly, what was your favorite part of the Connor in and Earn? Sanka. The accent, I think, no matter how, there are certain accents where when you do them for people who aren't from here,

like a lot of audience on our show is not from here, they think you're fucking with them. I think there's no way that real people talk like this. like I know and they're rare like the accent that everybody and the media holds up as the south the kevin spacey house of cards accent i've lived in the south my entire adult life except for six years i have met two people in my entire life who talk like that two both of them are realtors in columbus georgia which is actually kind of unsettling um but it's that it's that if you've seen Hannah it's kind of like

the Kate it's the accent that Kate Blanchett is attempting in the film Hannah where she's kind of I don't know what she's aiming at but she winds up between Catherine Headburn and Foghorn Leghorn and she's like we have to find this girl

and it's kind of like talking like you've got George Carlin said it was talking like you were chewing on a dick I would say that it's more like talking like you have two lips in what if what if kathy bates was heavily sedated y'all uh kathy bates went to kathy bates is uh is trained to sm you in dallas so that's oh yeah a little bit different um right please don't start me on nobody wants to start me down this 45 minute path of things i can talk about you guys are absolutely wrong about the source of the urn however oh y'all are in my wheelhouse i would bet my life savings such as they are

that this is either from ballard designs or pike oh that's like i don't know pike but ballard designs is it as somebody who gets a lot of ballard designs catalogs for no fucking reason as somebody it's probably because you've met my mother and therefore the ballard designs pollen settled on you the algorithms um my mother's my mother's home is lovely um uh but this is this if this isn't ballard i will eat a flip flop um and the only i only threw pike in there because some people, there are still people to this day in Birmingham who come to Atlanta to do their shopping because Birmingham's Nordstrom is not fancy enough. Okay.

And there's a shit ton of pikes here that they could have got. Pike is the boozy nursery in Atlanta. That's worth every penny, by the way. Their staff are incredible. And they have terrific classes. This is an unpaid endorsement for Pike. If I could afford to, I would shop there all the time too. But this is, no, that's not a world market.

earned. That said, a world market earn would have been easier to break. That's for goddamn sure. Well, no, this is actually the second thing I was going to say. Those at that size, those earns are, I speak from painful experience here. These are actually very easy to crack. Even the ones that are made out. So what is class? What is concrete mostly made out of? Water. Water, correct. And so even if you have a planter that starts being made out of cement, by the time it has been outdoors in any capacity, it is structurally weakened by having. like added water to it. I can't overstate now. These things are so easy to break and therefore it is totally fine for us to be making fun of this because Connor was never in any danger. A swift kick could have brought him out of this from the outside. Like these things,

even when they're made of solid concrete and that one actually looked more like it was made a plaster. They break like, which is kind of wild considering how expensive they are. Because my first thought when I saw that was this. I was like, I should have just seen if I could find it on. Ballard. I looked. I didn't find anything. I didn't find anything that looks like it. It might not be in current collection. Like that dark chocolate brown is not super in vogue right now. Even though in parts of Ballard Designs country, it is always 90s Tuscany. That's the other reason. I spent a lot of time thinking about where that earned came from. Yeah. Americans inherently trust Tuscany. Yeah. But is it fair to say that it has like a world market vibe to it just in terms of like the work? Okay. 100%. World market is. where you go to get the stuff that you want to look like you bought it at Pite or okay got it just just to help paint the picture for people again if you haven't seen

except Ballard I don't think I don't think Ballard would ever have anything like when I say world and Ballard that means Western Europe um but listen if you ever get the catalog just go through it you'll see what I mean they make some incredible tote bags though you should get a tote bag I get a tote bag so you can no no their tote bags are actually dope because they look like They're like woven straw, but they have this very, very, like, thin, almost invisible vinyl lining. So they're actually watertight. They make great tailgate bags. Can you, is it big enough to hold an emergency hammer in for when you get stuck in your vase like Bennett Fottie?

You know that bag? To hold half a person. Yes. Okay. You know that, okay, you know Betty's bag? Yes. That's a Ballard bag. Okay.

Yeah. So we could definitely put. You could have put Conner's little ass in there. I'm stuck in the bag on my neck. I have never, anyway, if you ever watch Gravity Falls and fought Little Gideon. Does this work to escape contain into the world? Like, I really want to send this to... Damn, forget me.

I really kind of want to send this to Alex, what's his name? I'm like, hey, buddy. Your creation runs free. On the subject of his accent, I also have the suspicion that... Wait, wait, no, I'm sorry. I forgot my favorite part. I changed the mind. Favorite part.

This man graduated from Mississippi State School of Architecture. And on that, I would like to settle upon a point. How many years do you, not to take us all the way back to Pompeii, but y'all, how many years do you reckon human society has had urns? Oh, this is one of the oldest, like, how long? When were the first urns? Go ahead, find out. I'll throw down 10,000.

Cremation urns dated back to the stone age 3,000 BC. Okay. Earlier evidence of pottery urns containing human. raids with Earth and China dating from approximately 7,000 BC. Okay, so 7,000. I spent a lot of time thinking about this week. How many times in that, like, let alone set aside the internet, how many stories, how many fables, because you know somebody like Connor back in the day would have become a fable?

How many stories have you ever heard of a person of any age? Because not even a grown man, an errant child, a mischievous teen. becoming stuck in an urn. Isn't there a fable or like a saying that's basically like if you put your hand in the cookie jar and you close it and you can't pull it out, the solution is to let go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is sort of a story. It's supposedly how you catch a greedy monkey. Right.

And like the lesson of this parable is about being greedy. But I mean, I, I, and Connor in the air, and I see a myth. I see a story of death and rebirth. The man goes into the tomb, but not all the way. And how does he exit? The tomb. That is not the man who is shattered. It is the tomb that is shattered.

But also, this is an anti-evolution story because what's Connor missing? An egg tooth. Which would have helped him crack out of there right away. Checkmate atheists. Holly, what you're bringing up is what I said to Spencer when he called me. How long have we gone without getting stuck in urns? This is what I can't get over. He's invented a whole new peril.

Thousands of years. people who, people who couldn't read or write, people who had extremely rudimentary understandings of how weather worked, people who had access to no meaningful technology whatsoever. People who didn't have an architecture degree. Oh, did we mention that? Did we mention he went to Mississippi State School of Architecture? So many of them successfully. I know it sounds funny. I didn't make it up. People who didn't have a belt successfully didn't get their asses. People who had never owned shoes in their lives or people who only own boots and no other shoes we humans have been around urns as long as there have been humans to record things about urns

and as far as i know until death and their ashification i can't find a single story of a human being stuck in an urn do you think there is a cave wall we haven't found yet yeah where there is belasco paints where there is a painting of ancient honor i can't find i can't come up the lasco puns someone else looking like a piranha plant emerging from a pipe Just in a French archaeologist, look at him going. And here we have the figure of a man who is the, we call him the idiot in the vase. No, no, no, no. How it works is we look at the ancient inscription and we say like, oh, clearly this is a story about birth.

No, it's some dumb ass stuck in an urn. No, man. That's just Marcel. He just got stuck in a fucking urn. It's an idiot. Like, I was telling Ryan, not only we had this for thousands of years, but if we had a phone and we went to North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal, where there is a group of people who want no contact with modern civilization and kill anyone who gets near them.

Now, let's say we just get a ticket. The North Sentinel Indians are like, ah, we're not feeling stabby today. You have a big iPad. What did you want to show us, buddy? We'd be like, hey, look, here's a guy getting ready to get into an earn. And these people who have had very little contact with the modern world would look at that and go, I'm going to watch this shit. Why?

Because he's an idiot. That's a fool right there. They start shouting advice at the iPad, joining in the course of people from Conner. They wouldn't put down their drinks either. They'd be like, hey, you know what you do? They'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all, they'd all. They would all gain a Mississippi accent and say, Connor, get your little ass out of that earn. That's the other thing is that this took place in Mountain Brook, which I love, like, Mount Brook is every, listen, every town has a Mountain Brook.

Every town has a Mountain Brook. Just go, go look at houses for sailing Mountain Brook on Zillow, and you will understand what we mean. It's that place. I think this people. It was all, I don't know if this is correct. It was also, someone was saying this actually. This actually happened at a New Year's Eve party, and the video just didn't come out for a while. Did anybody else pick up from the dialogue in the thing that it may have been a corporate New Year's Eve party?

I think you're right. But that one girl who kept saying, Connor, this is an HR issue. He's part, I can shed some light. He's part of a small architecture firm. Oh, is that right? So yes. Did it get smaller? Well, for a minute.

For a minute, it was two and a half people. Now it's back to three. Thanks to a rock hammer. The thing that I am stunned by is that this is the part of every town that manages to fence itself off, manages to distance itself, to zone itself away from everything, right? To raise itself above the hoi-poly and isolate itself and put itself in a situation where we can do things our way and we can just do things the exact way. We can all go to the same parties. We can all do the same shit. And when they do that and they establish the good schools.

Yes. When they have vacuum sealed themselves off from the rest of society, what is the high? highest point of revelry. Connor got stuck in it, Voss. It's not a Vaz, by the way. That's a fucking urn. He said Voss. It's not.

It's an earn. I'm sorry. The person who got stuck in it doesn't get to decide what it is. I'd rather say earned. He's already used it improperly. He doesn't get to decide what it's for. I would rather say. You didn't gain wisdom from osmosis of the urn.

Yeah. I mean, wouldn't you rather say you escape the urn? Yeah. It sounds much tougher. How many people have ever escaped an urn? Right. That's the whole point of an urn. Ooh, see, this is the only way he can flip it.

It's not how many people have ever gotten their silly ass stuck in an urn. It's how many people have gotten free. Yeah. Although he did not get free under his own power. It must be. Maybe this is a lesson about the power of friendship. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, for one, I must note, while we are slandering, it's not slander if it's true, while we are blatantly denigrating Mississippi State School of Architecture, Mississippi State does have a school of structural engineering, and I bet those people are having a great day. I bet the email list in that department are having a fine time with this. If I am Old Miss, I am bringing a tiny statue version of Connor and the urn to the Egg Bowl next year and presenting it as the new traveling trophy. If I'm Connor, I'm going in the vase to the game. You know, you could punch the bottom out of it. Very, very carefully and put suspenders in it.

We have to carry him around like an offering. Oh, what if they burn somebody in it before every game? This is finally a way to make Mississippi State interesting. God damn. Start real egg balls are not interesting. I don't make this off. Today's honorary Connor to be placed in the urn for the entirety of the football game. Blood for the blood dog.

Boy, these football teams put the mid and mid-so-mar. Just carrying Connor around like an offering. But my point with the New Year's thing is it's entirely possible, depending on the timing. This is the exact way that Connor started 2024 with his hips fucking stuck in an earth. It's going to be my year. I do. I do want to see this man in a cocktail dress because he looks like he's got the hips to fill it out. Connor, you got to get the urn or the crops won't grow. I would like to see, I would like to see him in drag.

I would like to see him drive. Holly, if you want him to climb in something, evidently, it's pretty easy to do. Just put it on the ground at a party. This is literally the person who, if I hold up a huge bag that says person stealing bag, and I go, huh? And I put like an apple in there. He'll be like, oh, what's it there? Connor, I bet you won't put that skirt on. Oh, God damn it, I'm in the person stealing bag.

Credit words do while we're here, by the way. We all found Connor's information thanks again to Bunker. Alex McDaniel and the rest of the Mississippi network. Oh, my God. We found this guy's true identity pretty quickly. He has not deleted his social media. No, standing on business. As far as this morning,

the last thing I saw for him was, and I'm going to read this in his voice. God damn it, I'm in the fucking New York Post. You're getting stuck in things all over. I know. Is he the New Year? Wait, is he the New Year's baby? He doesn't have a caribic

face. You know how it. What if he has a track of the roundest friend in an urn every New Year's Eve? What if this is, what if this is Birmingham's new New Year's tradition? Like, at the start of the 31st,

Connor gets in the urn, we count down at, and once the clock hits zero, we chisle his stupid ass out of the urn. Mobile says the infant in Marty, girl, I've never seen Mobile have a live kingcake baby. Marty brawl.

Also, I need to know what frat he was in for reasons. Yeah. I, I absolutely, I have immense respect from him because he stayed at the party afterwards in his underwear. Like he was just hanging out in his undies with his drink. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's not an HR issue? There's no way they got damaged. Did he pee? I do not know, but his pants were evidently, according to the initial thread, were removed at one point.

Oh, now it's an HR. Yeah. Hips, roomy. I took my belt off I thought my favorite story last week was going to be the second Sun Bowl plot line but no

Thank you Connor The original thread from From casual Thursday I believe was the bartender This was a big week for Alabama First the guy who swam in the Bass Pro Shops tank swim is such a casual description of what happened

he was he bobbed I think he had a bad day that's a bad day a bad day with one very zesty cannonball in the middle remember that's a lesson you can have a very bad day there's still time for a zesty cannonball that's life though

one man wants to get out of a place he shouldn't be and one man wants to stay there wow I never thought of it like that just the pinnacle of our system of living and acquiring goods and selling things The exact apex of all of it is, I'm going to get stuck in an urn at a party. Hey, get out of there.

Hey, get out of there. That should be the new Alabama state motto. Hey, get out of there. Go on get. What's behind the palatial walls of the royal palace? And you're like a drunk idiot stuck in a piece of garden furniture. Signifying nothing. Carter can never go to a garden center again.

that's no god that that's yeah you know what does he get an endorsement deal yeah yeah with like this is going to be this is going to go fine i got i got to level this where would he get the endorsement deal from what place is down market enough to sell a kick free earn but up market enough to make that expensive and get away with it ma'mma if you can think of a local chain, please email us at shut down fullcast at gmail.com. I like that you're describing like the garden version of

a theatrical stage furniture. Yeah, like an urn with a trap door. Right. Magicians earn. We need those now. This is a child safe urn, y'all. We should start labeling things child safe that we never thought to have to have to label things.

This is a Connor safe urn. Somebody reposted the shot of him being freed from it. With the side by side with the shot of Jessica McCleur being rescued from a bit. I just want to point out, by the way, this is a man who is trusted by other, I don't know, families, corporations, groups to build buildings that don't fall down. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You know what?

You know who will test them? You remember how we say, you know how we keep saying that there are, that there's dumbasses in every office? for some reason we keep returning to the fact that you know what's the joke you know what you call the last guy in his medical school class doctor yeah um if any of conner's friends or family are listening and you happen to have access to his last will and testament i need you to do something highly illegal i need to know if he wants to be cremated because he's going right back in the earth i need you to do the funniest thing what i need you to do is disregard whatever his wishes are and cremate him no matter what you can try he's breaking up out of air his belt won't burn I took off my belt and they did do shit Shadrack me Shack Connor

get out of that arm That's it That's what the No this is it He's the he's the He's the singular Abednego God coded him With not anti-fire juice

But with anti-slip Substance Man I hope I hope snakes know about this I hope snakes know about this so they can say, that shit's easy. We've been doing that shit for years. We don't even have legs.

Connor, you're the worst fucking snake in the world. We have legs or arms. It took me a second to realize snakes don't have any major limbs. Happy New Year. Connor, I made it out of there despite being nothing but belt. Eat shit, thumbs. Connor, you can only retort at them if you can play the flute. They got bad news.

that is what he did look like a snake being charmed out of a he did somebody had showed up with the fucking oboe the last thing I would like to say on this although certainly no I'm sorry sorry one other thing the next thing I would like to say about this what this really made me realize

is you know we live in a world where visual effects have just really they've wormed their way into all forms of movie and television but Connor god damn if he didn't show us the value of practical effects once more this would not have been the same if it had been

CG Connor still in the face like finally filmmaking is packed do you think like Marty Scorses he is applauding this Martin says he's cinema for real do you think

oh shit do you think anybody thought to check before they sprung him free whether or not he could grant their heart's desire. Oh, wow. I thought of this thanks to a tweet from longtime friend of the program, Georgia is a verb, who tweeted in the middle of all this. Connor Aladdin, Beaumont, you get your goddamn mess out that earned this very instant or I'm going to hit you the damn hard.

All your wishes are going to fall out. I do encourage this is where I can also shed some light from his interview with Home goods. Home goods is where they got earned. Okay, it took me a minute. Home goods. That's a good one. Get you an endorsement there. This is where I can shed some light from Conner's interview with the George's cast.

And I think it's a good place for us to leave it. Not our sister show, but like our spiritual sister show, our step-sister show. They are definitely an aspirational fear. Our sister from another Mr. Show. And it's this that Connor, when asked about that and asked about genies, said, From what I heard, the genie's able to come out of the fucker. I don't have that superpower. Go listen to it.

It's a delight. He's taking this in such stride. that I almost wonder if this was a plant, but it can't have been. Well, for a while, he was a plant. One thing, plants come out. Yeah. Oh, that's what we got to do.

We got to get one of the Arlanzo Bloom where you're planted stickers. I'm trying. Dang it. What kind of plant a fuck us? Because I'm swearing. Science has no idea how to classify this man.

Doctors hate him. Of all the people on this podcast, the worst person to be out of there and looking down at the person in the vase would be Ryan. That would be it. Oh, 100%. You might be nice in real life. I don't know. No, no. He's

two drinks. I think you're just watching, buddy. I think low key it's you, because you will not be helpful under any sort of service. Whether you like the person or not, whether you're trying to be helpful or not, you won't be. I'm picking them up in swanton bombing. Yeah. There is another cautionary. There's another cautionary

tale here, which shouldn't be news. to anybody. If you do some dumb shit around your friends, one of them is good to pull out their phone. Like, there's a version of this where it's just known amongst Connor's circle. But because some brave soul said, no, journalism demands transparency. Now, to use his own words, he's in the goddamn New York Post. I wonder what the people, did they have to, who do they call in at the New York Post to translate speech in videos of type.

Hmm. Because this is going to be like us looking at Nor'easter footage of Longshoremen and Bangor. He said, what? She said she knows your sister. In the NFL, there is no margin for error. One mistake can change the outcome of the game. Science proves quality sleep can help boost reaction time,

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save 50% on the sleep number limited edition smart bed plus special financing for a limited time only at a sleep number store or sleep number.com sleep number official sleep and wellness partner of the NFL C store for details. All right, that's a show. Good night. Hey, we said it was going to be 45 minutes and it has been 44 minutes. We've done our damned us. That's exactly right. Sorry, we threatened that it was going to be 45 minutes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Speaking of ancient parables with horrifying consequences.

National Championship, Michigan Wolverine. Just like we triggered up as Michigan alums. Man, what a great day for all of us. Yeah, go blue. I think we're all wearing blue today. We are all right. By the way, in all seriousness, I have heard from multiple employees at New American Pathways this morning.

It is Tuesday as we were recording this after the championship game. We had multiple celebratory donations of, Of the score and otherwise, just people throw in hundreds, just because last night. And this is for real why we love you people. You're so weird. You have so much money. And you like to spend it on helping the newest Americans find homes and jobs and lives. And, yeah, that's a great feeling.

So anyway, thank you to, thank you to everybody who threw in in the past 12 hours or so. And, oh, y'all, this is the year of the Michigan million. I can feel it. We're going to hit it. We're absolutely going to hit it. Three months, three months to gird your loins. And we're kicking off the charity bowl. Start saving your pennies.

You can all donate the score or one of you could donate the exact number of yards that Blake Corum had last night, which was one million. If you could donate one million yards, one million dollars, or one million yards, we will consider ourselves a peace. I don't know at least two of our high dollar donors have to be listening this morning. And yeah, this is a challenge. Call us. That's a dare.

It's a dare. We love you. Yeah, not a, not a, I don't think a classic on, on paper or in person in terms of a national title game. Which makes me glad we got a semi-final because that, that is what I will try to remember about Michael Pennix for one thing. Yeah. Is his performance in the semis. Let's just remember Texas. Yeah.

Let's just remember Texas for Michael Pennix Jr. Because this was, y'all, this went his night. It was bad. This is his worst game as a Washington Husky. And he's going to get undue attention on it because he's, well, you know the fulcum around which their entire offense runs but also i saw a lot of people kind of side kind of backhanded complimenting j j mccarthy for not ruining the game and i'm like hey this is exactly his job what do you think i know game manager's a derogatory term but

he certainly had plenty of chances to lose them this game and he did not be dude is like how many weeks off having his fucking meniscus reattached calm down and d shut up again like he did exactly what he's supposed to do in that situation and everyone's like well blast his heart he didn't lose in the game get out there and do better also your backs everyone who took the ball and ran was averaging eight yards of carry what you have blake quorum on the why on earth it is stupid to throw the ball when that dude is on the field look at that shit why would you this is there is a video game element to both of them where they both have such high second gear that you can see them shift speeds in real time. Like, you can see them hit that breakaway speed that everyone around them cannot match. And it's like watching a cartoon. It's so lovely.

I get why you mean by saying it wasn't a classic. And at the same time, I think it had enough, like, narrative twist in turn to be entertaining. Also, as somebody put it out on Twitter this morning, now it's history, so it is classic. There was the specter, I think it was maybe after Washington kicked the field goal. there was the specter of oh this is this might go in the tCU georgia direction where it just spirals completely out of control and the fact that it didn't do that and the fact that it didn't

do that in large part because of some changes that washington made i think like the the final score almost doesn't give you a good enough sense of the tension that was present in this game i don't know that I ever got to a point in the game where I was like, oh, I think, I think Washington is going to win. But I definitely had a lot of the game where I wasn't, like, confident that Michigan was going to put it away. Yeah, I mean, it was 20 to 13 into the fourth quarter. Right. Right. Yeah. Like, there's, there's been a lot of, like, people are, like, I've seen, I've seen this game described as a route. I've seen people say that, like, Washington got their asses kicked. And in certain parts of the game and in certain parts of the field, they did get pushed around. But like,

there's this whole, I really hate the suggestion that, like, the outcome of a playoff game lets you know whether or not that team deserved to be there in the first place. They're just, like, completely different questions. It also says that it also is a way of, it is a sideways way of saying that the games themselves don't matter. Right. And this is, this is the Florida State argument that we've been batting down for weeks. But I also don't even think. it applies to this game. Like, was, was Michigan the better team in most phases? Yes, like, without question. That didn't mean Washington didn't deserve to be there. That didn't mean Washington, like, that's not a shitty Washington team that Michigan beat. It's a Michigan, it's a

Michigan team that, especially on defense, put the fucking clamps down. Like, what they did defensively in this game, in the semifinal, all season, against like some competition that wasn't necessarily like oh it's super like is it super impressive that you that you shut out this michigan state team no it's not you still did though and that's just still hard like it's hard to shut anybody out yes yes it is like there's a reason it doesn't happen very often yeah so i i don't know i think it was i i think it was a it's it's not an all-timer but it didn't have to be like that by definition they're not all going to be all-timers. No, and I'm, like, I am bummed that, you know, this isn't the game I wanted to see.

I was, you know, I kind of approached it with a, well, I really love watching this Washington team play football and Michigan winning is obviously fantastic for all of us as graduates in residence of Ann Arbor, but I wish that I had gotten, I do really wish that I had gotten to see Washington play the way that they have been capable of this year. Like, I, I, I, I, I, I do really wish that I, I wish we had gotten to see more of the brand of Washington football that we like. But again, given the performance in the semifinal, that feels selfish to even ask for. Sure. I got that classic Washington game that I can go back and watch for fun in the off season.

I feel like what people do in these games. Also, the fact that we're emerging from this season going, oh, man, I'm going to go back and watch that Washington game. They're on a whole new, they're on a whole new plateau. We said this on, who said this earlier this week? Was it Dominique? who was like, Jimmy Lake was how long ago? Two years. Three years. Look where we are. Holy shit.

This is incredible. And I'm not trying to, and I'm not trying to say that Washington fans should be happy with getting this far and losing. I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to tell you how to feel. But holy shit, you got there, you got there against, the odds are stacked against most everybody in the country getting there. But just on a timeline basis, it is just incredible that you were there at all. It's a great story. do a lot of this when it comes to a referendum setting on games like this

Washington hit 14 threes in a row and on the 15th they absolutely bricked one and then you stand up and go I told you he was ass fuck off this is this is year two of the Caleb DeBoer regime and he got them to an undefeated regular season

a Pac-12 championship in the last year of the conference's existence and a Heisman runner up in their quarterback and in addition to that without even a full roster of his own players. It took them all the way to the national title game and, mind you, beat Texas along

the way. That is all spectacular. Transitive Alabama victory. And the transitive Alabama victory. That is also important. This is what Jim Harbaugh's ninth year? Ninth season. Nine times nine.

It took them nine years to get this right. If you want to talk about being With all the resources in the world, an entire, you know, a football first school in a, can we call the Big Ten of Football First Conference, I guess. Yeah. Washington is an underdog in every way entering this game. And I don't think it's necessarily a surprise that they lost. Like, I'm bummed that we didn't get to see, like, Michael Pennix doing his, doing his circus act. But I'm not, I'm finding hard.

I'm finding it hard to be sad about Washington. Washington football today. Yeah. Does that make sense? Absolutely. If you got to go out, you go out with a loss of national title game. I mean, like, this is my, patience when you talk about, oh, man, my team sucks. You might have to be patient to eat some shit for a while because I don't know if y'all

remember Jim Harbaugh was third in the Big 10 East for like 28 years. Oh, yeah. We've made a lot of jokes about that. Yeah. A lot. Yeah, top five in SP Plus and third in the Big 10 East. That was the deal on them for a long time. Also, you fell short.

So there are 131 other teams. So, I mean, I think the thing with Washington is it was high variance football all year long. And there were games that that won them, that they won by more because of that. And there are games that they won by a lot less because of that. They had a lot of close calls because of that behavior. And in this game, you know, how many plays were we close to Washington doing what Washington wanted against Michigan? several like everyone is probably picturing a different play right now because there were so many of them um and because of that i feel comfortable saying they got a lot closer than the score

suggests um if i think this is a game where like the raw yardage total is additionally a little bit suspect just because you you know you almost throw a 50 yard touchdown pass that counts to zero yards but we saw it almost happen right um and and none of this is to say that you know, Michigan almost lost or anything like that. I, you know, even if they hit those, Michigan probably covers. Especially not with their, um, um, um, perennially, we totally saw this coming, a fast scoring offense that they just decided to roll out last night. I just, I yeah.

What? Anyone who looks at this and then does the Washington fraud thing? No, no, yeah, no. It's, it's a trick of a couple higher risk plays that didn't connect. Yeah, I almost. I almost feel bad that we're even addressing it, but I just, I don't want people to think that we're, I almost feel bad that we're even like giving credence to that side of the conversation, but I just don't want people to think we're skipping it. It's also, I think, a little bit of a function that most years, or at least a lot of the years when we talk about the college football playoff, there is one like extremely complete, well-oiled, death-defying offense in it. and this year there really wasn't like they all they all had a lot of potential but they also had a lot of flaws like there there was nobody who on offense was 2019 that's also super interesting a phenomenon to see in a year that was so chalky sure like a year where a year where you just saw winner where we had this many undefeated teams and to come into the postseason with this many undefeated teams across the board and to still be missing that unit yes like clemson has served this

this role in many years. Even like, you know, I would probably say last year's Georgia team is pretty close. Or last year's Ohio State team was really close to it with C.J. Stroud. Like there is that one like, oh, this is the like terrifying offensive unit. Washington had flashes of that. But to Jason's point, like they also had plenty of games this season where they looked mortal on offense, where they had to barely escape on offense. And I think part of why there is maybe some.

lack of appreciation or denigration of what Michigan did defensively this year is it's very hard to point to oh that's that's the offensive juggernaut that they shut down like this is the closest it comes to it and that requires like a level of belief in what Washington was on offense all year that I don't even think Michigan fans are willing to go to it was a very good offense I don't think Michigan had to shut down a like a truly all-time offense this year and that's their fault. There weren't that many of them, and they weren't on their schedule. No, you play your schedule. Are you saying they had poor pelts, Ryan?

They had acceptable pelts. But they, they, they average pelts that they murdered with more efficiency than anyone ever had. The pelts are perhaps average because they have howards their holes in them. The number of average pelts that they collected is a new record. Yes, yes. Like this Michigan's, oh God, they're literally volume shooters. in health terms like this was the best team of the year

and they were the best team in the playoff and they were the best team last night and it was abundantly clear throughout the season that that is information that can be extracted no matter the quality of the opponent you know they didn't or who's coaching on the sila

we saw throughout the course of the year that Michigan's schedule strength wasn't as bad as it was made out to be since most of those teams made bowl games but I hope that I know it won't be But I hope, at least for some people, this Michigan season serves as a lesson against the idea that, like, oh, you haven't played a whole bunch of teams that were ranked at kickoff. That means you are a fraud.

No, if you destroy a bad team the way a champion should, then that is information that is useful. I mean, this is what SEC teams did scheduling-wise for years. And the big town, including Michigan fans, fucking hated them for it. We're like, you have your stupid Socon Saturday. you don't play anybody interesting out of conference you just like fatten up on your own teams who you inflate to be bigger than they are like Penn State yes you can just like yeah god swap Penn State in for Ole Miss it's really not fair that in a year in Michigan it's really not fair that there are teams that get to play Penn State twice but there's no but there's no like

penalty for for for leaning into that like Michigan has done this for a couple of years now they have not like scheduled as aggressively as even they used to there is nothing like until the sports sits down and says like we're taking over scheduling and we're trying to equal things out so that we don't have these situations where somebody's playing this is taking clue to a party and being mad that your house rules that are written down on the no pad inside are not being obeyed which to be fair it does sound like something michigan people will do this is deciding that there is a certain level of valor that every team must accrue in scheduling, and they

must know three years ahead of time which teams will be good enough to meet that threshold when no one else has agreed on what that threshold is. Right. At any rate, welcome, y'all. We're happy to have you down here with the rest of us. Yeah, you cheat, you schedule like crap, you run the fucking ball. You play

boring defense first football. You want to win every game, 20 to nothing? Can I say one, can I make one other genuine SEC comparison before we get to the fun ones the first fall of course the fact that they won half of these games without their head coach is extremely funny and i they might be about to win a few more without their head coach like i know i know a bunch of them are getting 15 and no tattoos he should have to get a 9 and 0 tattoo for real oh my god that's beautiful i he's so he's so close he's so

close to being a likable guy. It's right there. Anyway, the thing I was going to say, one underrated aspect of them, and we've talked about this in terms of how Georgia runs their program in terms of how Lane

Kiffin runs his various programs, but one thing that speaks really, really well to Michigan, because the team that you still have to compare everybody else to when it comes to, like, top to bottom sterling Nessa program is Bama. The thing that it speaks the best to that they were able to win all these games without Harbaugh is their

institutional organization, is how they, how, what they have their behind the scenes personnel doing, you know, the way that they, a Harbaugh has surrounded himself, he may not be a hell of an administrator himself. He has surrounded himself clearly with people who are. And that's something that I don't think any other team, with the exception of like the pure continuity of Alabama, I'm having a hard time thinking of another team that has had so flagrant a chance to display like the smooth workings of, of just the program as a whole, as one that's had to miss their head coach for us. I think, I think there are, there are Clemson years like this when you just look at the continuity of, like, it's not as true. Yeah, yeah. I should have, I should have

had Clemson in that list before, yeah, but that's, you know, Dabo took, Davo took better than a lot of other, I mean, you, you can't say that about Kirby now, but Dabo took that a lot better to heart than a lot of other saving acolytes who went out on their own in terms of like how to build the machine behind the team. And just like I, cheers to everybody running around with a spreadsheet in those offices because this, you know, the one thing, the one thing that coaches hate all coaches hate top to bottom makes them grind their teeth out of their heads is unpredictability and then you lose you know you lose the guy who's supposed to be running the

whole thing for half a season and you you don't lose a game like that's that that is some bama shit clemson also i think demonstrates the uh going too far on that path and having too much continuity I think Clemson So like if there's no continuity Great continuity and too much Clemson has often been at both ends Oh this is this is Goldilocks I like it Because like neither of these

coordinators were with the team in 2020 No Like they have had to Michigan has had to deal with And like In 2021 Josh Gattis won the Broils Award as the prime offensive coordinator. Sharon Moore was the co-offensive coordinator that year.

Like, there's been a lot of like weird turnover. We are, well, we are not that far. I see you laughing, and I bet I know what you're about to bring up, Spencer. We are not that far removed from Harbaugh fist fighting with his own assistance. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly, allegedly taking swings on his own assistance. in the practice field and or locker room not that long ago not this season but not that long ago

that's that's a that's a house of cards that could have crumbled or cards crumble right they they had crumbled like an urn you crumbled like an earn at a mountain birth party and i don't know what i don't know what momentum kept it going behind the scenes i if there's anybody who could have pulled them out of the ditch with sheer cussedness i suppose it is this lunatic got that but damn got that staff. Like this was, this was headed in another direction. Can I propose a weird thing?

Yeah. The suspension at the start of the year, which, which if you'll recall, Michigan was imposed by Michigan, and Michigan treated almost like a wrestling event, where they were like, Jack Harbaugh is going to be on the staff.

Do you remember how mad Godfrey was? It was like he was dead. Like, they, like, they didn't do, they didn't approach it from a like, this is business perspective.

It's like, here are the dead man's brains. It was, what it was like was when, um, when a late night show, when a late night host is, like, out for vacation and they're like, we're just having guest hosts this week. Oh my gosh, look. Like, Ryan Gosling is hosting the tonight show this week. Isn't this fun? Like, that was the level of seriousness that they treated it. But because they got through that stretch, like, A, they got a lot of experience being like, this is what it's like to run the program when Jim's, when Jim is. is here in a limiting capacity.

And weirdly, I think that made it a lot easier for them when they got to the like the Big Ten suspension, which came in a much harder part of the schedule to be like, okay, well, we've already done a version of this. And we already know that like we can get, I'm not going to say that any of that was planned. No, you're right, but they had administrative prep time in the summer. It's like, yes, they somehow got the reps for how to deal with the coach's suspension.

When we say it takes luck to hit every, when we say it takes luck to hit every title game, sometimes there's different kinds of luck. They figured out, my favorite thing about this particular, like one, I love how long it took. I do,

because like if it's year three in the SEC, for instance, okay, if it's year three at a program that has these kind of aspirations and year three were like, hey, you got to show us something.

You got to show us up. We're going to run you off. They're a fan bases who were just funny when they're in distress. And there are fanbases who are no fun when they're in distress. And Michigan, you know how much we love you. You're the former. Yeah, absolutely.

You are so much fun when you're mad. Yeah. You're a little entertaining. You're when you're stuck in the vase and you're going, I'm in the New York Post. You're entertaining. Your angst is, your angst is amusing. Connor.

Connor. Last year's Connor. This year's Connor. Whoa. Shit. Most influential name in America. One that this took. nine years i love and that they stuck with it for nine years i love that it's the most this

midwestern shit ever there it's the most like we will move the mountain one bucket at a time right like it took the better part of six years to really get competitive with ohio state in a manner that you could actually thump them and by the way this team plays super fucking mad they looked as bad last night especially on defense as the team that i saw take the field in 2021 in ann arbor that finally turned the tide and beat ohio state they just come out like they come out like dad pissed they come out like fucking lions the kids are all over the swing set

in their Sunday clothes I don't get a vacation to Florida for another three months like they come out hot they come out heated and I love that they've devolved this team devolved so successfully from everything that we've come to expect from contemporary football I laughed because you mentioned

Josh Gattis and Josh Gattis ran some RPO stuff and there was some you know like lateral passing and they passed ball a little bit more and hardball's tweak after 2021 when yeah he was the broils award winner uh his tweak after 2021 was less more smash less pass they're passing numbers just gradually came down just more and more focused on the run game and they did some stuff if you look at what they do in the run game they run a lot out of the gun they do a lot of power formations with you know out of the gun or out of the pistol so they did sort of a caveman thing in a modern way but

like the more they devolved and the more caveman like and the more ophish the football they played the better they did this was not a precision team and that's kind of why i love them because they would just bang at the other team until in the fourth quarter it was like somebody was like ah fuck i don't want the b gap there's too much there's too much violence happening there you go ahead take take the run michigan played 15 games this year and obviously won all of them and their highest ranked receiver in terms of just raw receiving yards is 80th in the nation, Roman Wilson with 789. There are 33, 1,000 yard receivers in college football this year,

a lot of whom only played 12 or 13 games. And Michigan just didn't need that at all, didn't want that at all. No, not a bit. And it was glorious because the less they did, the better they got. like this was like their big change up was we're going to put another running back in this is why it made it so funny when jim harbaugh was like i think j j mccarthy is the greatest quarterback in michigan history because it's like why because he runs and helps the you can open your mouth and form any combination of syllables that you choose j j jay mccarthy

to put it kindly looks like hot ass for two and a half quarters three quarters last night and then he rips the hottest pass I've seen in a while across the middle to a tight end, changes the field, flips it, and then gets out of his own, like gets out of his own end of the field with the scramble. And that's all they needed. They needed 140 yards through the air and some change from him on the ground. And voila, we're good. We're done.

The most economical quarterback, which is I think maybe why Harbaugh loves him because he's like, you know what? He'll do exactly as much as I need and then I can give the ball back to my running back. He's a 1980s Chicago Bears' ass quarterback as well. Definitely. Yeah. His name's even JJ. Yeah.

That's a quarterback with the Dotson Z and a Walkman. Yeah, that is a quarterback. That there is a quarterback who's like, I've got a fax machine, ladies. Just bought it. I'm going to go party with Lionel Richie. It's going to be all night long. In 15 games, Michigan 3rd. through for fewer passing yardage

than did eight teams that played only 12 games. Now this is football. Less think. More smash. Michigan fans furiously typing on their keyboards right now. Fewer think. No, it's less. Like Connor got his less stuck in that urn.

Well, less of my boos. All stuck in his arm. Yeah, this was, I love that they could not, he could not exactly, the Stanford thing, but they had to tweak it a little bit. But even Stanford, he had in your luck. This is basically Stanford as hell. Like, this is.

It is Stanford is hell just with slightly different formations. Yeah, other than the formations, this was more Stanford than the Stanford stuff. I love that. He's like, well, I'm on a, I want to beat some ass with these big hammer hands I've got. And they're like, well, you can't do it like that. And he's like, what if I did it wearing this shirt and these pants? And they're like, yeah, that's fine. Like, we just, we just dressed it differently.

That's all we did with the giant smashy robot. It's hilarious that Jim Harbaugh is a legitimate QB whisperer, and when given talent can put a quarterback in a position to succeed, not only in college, but as a professional quarterback guru, and that in order to win a national title at Michigan, he had to do the opposite of that. He was like, I would like to limit the impact of the quarterback in the game. Is he a good quarterback?

Absolutely. But what I would prefer would be to hammer away at the ground until everyone cries and then turn it over to my defense who breaks Michael Pennix's ribs in the final quarter. I don't know that for sure, but it looked like it. I was saying yes because you said defense, not because of Pennix's ribs, but Michigan's defense,

the tackling, this is probably the single best display of tackling I've ever seen in a college football game. Once you scale for the fact that, like, Washington has so many athletes and is not easy to tackle, I don't remember a single broken tackle by Washington in this whole game. There were several were a normal attempt. On their first drive, on their first drive, they had a couple.

Okay, so after that, but just over and over and over, it was a screen that like, okay, against even an above average defense, this is going for 15, nope, it went for zero. And a lot of them were tackles, like, on the boundary. One-on-one tackles. Yes, where it's like, if that tackle's not made, that's a touchdown or a 40-yard play or like the big chunks that Washington really could have used when they couldn't successfully, like, it's not just that, and the same thing was true in the Rose Bowl. it's not just that Washington didn't have much luck connecting on deep balls it's that they didn't try that many of them and what that really suggests to you even to me somebody who knows very little ball it's like well that coverage was very good because this is not a deep this is not an offense that is afraid to throw into coverage in smart ways and the fact that they just didn't that much is a combination of that coverage was very good and that time was just not there at all yeah I mean we have

So we have two straight playoff games in which quarterbacks just were not able to get a lot going, and we have two totally different style as a quarterback. Jalen Milrow is going to run around. Michael Penning's does not run around a lot, and neither of them were able to do really much of anything against this defense. Michigan's defense turned two wildly different quarterbacks into a very similar style of player, which that's amazing. I think they had the honestly honestly these are like two extremes of how you play quarterback right and Michigan just nah nah you don't do anything last night mike samers still who is like

easily one of my favorite michigan defensive players ever mike samers still who had the game clinching interception return mike samers still who started out as a wide receiver and switched to db because they needed him to uh over two years ago and has faced pretty much every dragon that you can in college football. It's like, congratulations, you have to defend Jackson Smith and Jigbo one-on-one. Hey, you have to play man coverage against some of the best players in college football. Hey, you have to defend Texas. You have to defend everyone that Washington can throw at you.

And against Texas, Mike San Francisco had one of his worst games I've ever seen. And it just did not phase him. Last night, he had eight tackles, six of them. solo absolutely locked down tackles whenever he was one-on-one he and junior Colson were absolutely insane Junior Colson by the way was out there

tackling Washington skill players at 245 pounds that is a 240 pound linebacker who is the first person you target in a spread passing set and he was smooth with it if the ball got near him he was on that guy and he went down in one go with no yak yardage whatsoever

an insane performance and I say this too, by the way, they could have played better. They were incredible. And they didn't even sack Pennix, like a lot. They sacked him once. I think just once, yeah. That was a spectacular sack. It was, yeah.

But most of it was pressuring, outstanding one-on-one coverage by D.Bs, especially when they used the sideline as an extra defender and prevented them from hitting those, you know, those back shoulder fades that Washington loves to hit as a base play. Yeah, just incredible work on their part. It's so cliche. but it really did seem like Michigan was playing to prove that all the disrespect was unwarranted. I don't even know how much disrespect there was, but it felt like they were sort of like, you say we suck. It's like, I don't think we, you said we suck and we're going to punch you now for it.

I would say, I mean, the two things that we did here were, you know, the schedule thing. And they're only, they're only this good because of the sign stealings. Sure. right they only beat alabama because of indiana signals great that's a great point you think we're all setting aside here uh yeah they were bad at it they got caught yeah they were bad at that shit this is the stuff this is the thing everybody's skipping over everybody wants the comeuppance like it was amazing to me how many people picked washington a win and that's not even like hindsight you know or whatever michigan was favored all the metrics favored michigan but so many people picked washington and i think a lot of that was desiring comeuppance like wanting to see the cheaters punished her. That happened already. That happened last year. TCU pulled the whole thing off. TCU pulled the whole caper. I think it's half that

and it's half. The Washington story was more compelling in large part because of the Pact 12. Some of the comeuppance would have been, it would be nice to see the Pact 12 go out with one last like show that they weren't the soft conference

and they weren't the like, it's not how it worked. Even that that whole story is being colonized by the big ten so like for me there wasn't like i would feel that if it was was washington state in the title game like washington to me stopped being a pack 12 team months ago tell it to the judge she even got a big 10 quarterback yeah they had to pipe in a little indiana just to get that greatness engine running but i mean you might be right and people might have been looking at it as the last end of the pack 12 but for me no the last

it's also just that like nationally Washington is not a team that inspires a lot of like big feelings from neutral people so if they have a good year and they don't have something extremely unlikable about them that's where everybody who's sort of like I'm not really a Michigan fan it's very easy to sort of come over here and be like I'd like to see Washington win they're not USC they're not Texas they're not Alabama like they just don't have a reputation that really makes them unlikable unless you're a Pact 12 fan by and large. Yeah, I think you're right for a lot of people. I also think there was like a desire for Michigan to be punished. Oh, there was some wish casting going on for sure. Yeah, for like stuff that they're already punished for. And that stuff that, come on, folks, didn't affect any outcomes. It certainly didn't affect any of the relevant outcomes.

What about any of the way that this game was played or any of their critical games demonstrated any superior intellect? This was not smart football. And I mean that in the kindest, the most complimentary way. Oh, that's not what they play. No, no. This is this, this was absolute death and taxes. Crow-Magden football played in the trenches with every single,

grch cliche you want to put out there. So maybe Michigan needed to get caught so they weren't trying to be smart and they could just lean into being dumb. Maybe Michigan, the best thing that happened to Michigan was getting caught mid-season so they could stop trying to be smart and be dumb like us. last night this is how bad it got and by bad i mean good for michigan fans Kirk herb street is resorting to yeah you see how you see how smart it was that michigan took this big man and absolutely annihilated this less big man

right like nothing nothing but four man rush and it's like wow the brilliance like two hours into a michigan game every casual fan is like no i i got it i I understand everything that's happening. Since 1987. We're lining up in cover, too. And these four guys, you'll see, look, they all run at the quarterback. It was Madden would have been, like, my most old guy coded thing last night watching this. I was like, God, I wish Madden would have called this game.

Because he would have been like, oh, here, there's a boom, and there's a boom. And I know Harbaugh would have been hard watching it. He would have been like, yes, I have taped this replay. And I will make sweet love to it because this is nothing but a large, man with a telestrator going Bam, boom! A lot of a lost art. Anamotapia.

This is what Brian Farrantz would love to be able to win with. This is what he wants to be, right? He's like, Brian Farrantz is watching this like beautiful performance and going, man, to be a virtuoso like that when he's those three notes

on the guitar, right? Bot cross buns. So that's the difference. So that's the difference. Is Brian Farrantz turns those three notes into blarn, blarn, blarm. Whereas Michigan is essentially

the world's greatest punk band. Yeah, like, they played complimentary football in the sense of, I'm going to give you this compliment, which was, you weren't that heavy when I threw you to the ground. That's what, that's what Michigan played. Yeah, you look good down there. You're trying real hard.

Yeah. And Washington just ran, like, Washington just ran out of ass, man. They did. They ran out of ass. Do you know how much ass Michigan brings to the party? So much ass. They've got asses for miles. They did recognize that in a couple of ways.

Like, the decisions they made on run defense after the first quarter was like, was basically we need more ass in the box. We need just more asses. Or we need more Connor in the urn. Yes. Yeah. And then, yes, I was going to say, so much of the short passing game felt like it was to a, count for a we don't have enough ass and the ball just needs to get out as soon as possible.

Washington, at least in some measure, was aware of the ass deficit heading into this game. There was a Seattle Times piece of the type that usually runs, like you'll be very familiar with this, of the type that usually runs before all these games that where they interviewed the team nutritionist and she tells you everything the team is going to eat for a week. But it's the Seattle Times. So there's this note, like two or three paragraphs down. Like, you may be surprised to hear that despite elite athletes, despite being elite athletes, these, uh, these young men are not on low carb or plant-based diets. I was like, I'm not at all surprised Seattle Times. Please read on.

That article said, no fried foods on game day. And I'm like, I know LSU doesn't do that. I know. Hey, no fried foods on game day guys. And they're like, hey, BK, fuck you. There was also, there was also a one delightful aside where they were, uh, they were being fetid. at a Houston Barbecue Restaurant and everything on the menu was pork-based and the nutritionist had to ask for some chicken to be added and they were like, what for? But just that you may be surprised to learn

that they're not up there with oat milk. Roger Rosengarten is the right tackle for the University of Washington Huskies. He is really good. He was a second team All-American pick this year. He's a starter. as and is fantastic at his job. And Roger Rosengarten will probably end up playing in the league.

He is not little. He is 6,6, 300 pounds. And last night, if you didn't see him in the fourth quarter, he's the guy who's false starting on every snap. And they could have called him on a lot more because he's doing the, he's doing the lineup back and bail instantly start that you see a lot of guys in the NFL getting flagged for because he had no answer. or the pass rush that he was experiencing.

They did only allow one sack, but they were seconds from disaster, and he was off target and off platform on every throw he made. Devolution works. So this is not a thing I knew coming into this show, and I'm just reading it now. The director of Strength and Conditioning for Michigan, a man named Ben Herbert, who coached it before this. Is that the dude with the handlebars? No, that dude's in Miami now, I believe, with.

before this he before this he was on Arkansas staff I think during the Beelma years that oh I just saw I just looked at a picture of that boy was definitely on Arkansas staff a native of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Herbert received his bachelor's degree from Wisconsin in 2002 oh god that's

that guy's forehead enters a room like three seconds before he does he he was a defensive lineman at Wisconsin you don't yeah this all tracks I'm looking at these pictures Um, and he was, he was on, um, I think this is right. Um, oh, no, he wasn't on one of those, but, um, he wasn't on these teams. He coached for these teams. That three year stretch where Wisconsin made the Rose Bowl, the 2010, 2011, 2012, I don't think they won, but one of them. But like, where they were doing extremely Wisconsin shit, he was the strength and conditioning. Like, this is, this, this very much feels like a throwback beat. I think in. part because like they got this Pittsburgh guy to be like let's build some big dudes let's build some big wits old wisconsin style dudes you know what we need around here is some sandwiches

like walking in open the empty cabinets you like i can work with this you got a sandwich today you should eat a sandwich go ahead if i see you walk you know how some coaches will like have you walk around campus with a football to teach attention. I hope Ben was like if I see you on campus without a sandwich in your hands, I'm fucking tackling you. If I see your mouth empty in a lecture, they show up

in classes just to make sure the players are visibly chewing. You got two modes. Sleep and sandwich time. That's it. Ben Herbert represents the sandwich mode life all the time every day because the Michigan

Daily reporter, John Tondora. I hope I am pronouncing that correctly. If I'm not, please email me and let me know at 38.38 Godfrey at gmail.com. I want you and I want you to make it long. I need a really long explanation. Yeah, Godfrey's very tall. Yes. It's tall. The words take a long time to rise all the way up to his ears. Ben Herbert. This guy, John, wanted a workout from Michigan's strength and conditioning guy. And unfortunately for him, he got one. And I'm going to give you the question. Why unfortunate, Spencer? He said, hey, maybe I could just take something back like something I can do. And he goes, I'm not going to give you this half-hearted experience, he said. I do not represent that mentality in any way. I do things one way.

And he said, you're not going to spend time with me and go. I'm sorry, he referred to himself as Coach Herb and go, oh, yeah, that was a half-assed experience. Last quote, I cannot conduct my business that way. To go all the way back to preseason when we're laughing about Jim Harbaugh eating two cheese burgers for breakfast. Ben told him to do that. Coach Herb said, get out there and start your day the right way. I'm not going to give you a half-hearted experience. You need to eat the whole sandwich.

Yeah, we eat the whole heart. We got ketchup on our faces on that one, boys. It worked. Who's eating the big. sandwich now, huh? That's right. The secret ingredient is Who's eating the big sandwich in the sky?

It may anyways, the national championship trophy just looks like a rolled up Euro or something. But anybody else have a jump scare when they showed Jack Harbaugh on the stands? Like, I felt like I needed to go outside and start doing chores. What about when they showed Tom Crane? He was so mad. Oh, man. Tom cream.

Listen, even for, heat check me here. I don't want to be exaggerating because it's a very serious subject close to our own Michigan family. even for a man universally known for his bizarre continued facial expressions. Last night was a tour-to-force performance from Tom Crean on the sidelines in terms of things that his face and hair did. It takes a lot for a cream face to make the pantheon of green faces. We have three or four. We have a new...

There's a whole new wing of that Hall of Fame. It's just because Tom knows now that every time he goes to Jack's house, it's like all. All right, Apple Pie Time, champions first. Go ahead. Everyone with the championship, step on up. You get the first piece of pie. Tom, get to the back. Did you see, no, did you see, however, like John, when John came to hug,

Jim on the sidelines, he kind of looked up at the ceiling. And you couldn't hear what he was saying, but you know what he was saying. Hey, you know, we play football in here sometimes. Come on, Jim. Save the Titans. You can do it. it, bud. Tom Creed's hair

has undergone such a weird subtle transition. It used to just be swept back guy with a repeating airline. But it looks like it's growing from the middle somehow. Yeah, he's got that Richard Wagner eccentric 19th century composer hair.

He looks like it's Vigo. He looks like Vigo the Carpathian. Yeah. If he got like an off cut. He's starting to get that obscure German philosopher who wrote a book about how breathing is futile. Like he's starting to get that kind of. of like, I invented a weird atomic dynamic, like, or a weird atomic subparticle hair.

Tom Green's got composer hair. He does have composer. He has composed. He has composed who had eight failed suicide attempts hair. God. Jesus Christ. I mean, professionally. That's kind of equivalent.

He did take the George's job. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, that's it. That's the whole season. We did it all. Yeah, we did it all. You ate all the season.

We ate all the sandwiches. We ate the whole fucking. sandwich. Oh, South Dakota State fucking stops. South Dakota State is the, I'm best FCS team ever. I'm aware of the others. I'm aware of North Dakota State's entrance. And yes, congratulations to Randy Moss

making the college football hall of fame long deserve. But 23rd Street, look at who they beat. Best FCS team ever. Yeah. Thank you also to everybody who has followed along with us this season and didn't jump off the bus. We love you. No thank you to everybody

who flooded the full cast mentions last night. asking for an hour of Deerdorf and Brandstader and then when reminded that we don't do that anymore, got mad about it. I didn't think we'd have to say this to Michigan fans. No, no, but do your homework? Yeah, yeah. Do you all want to be, do y'all want to celebrate? You want to be mad about that?

Also, all of our reply guys, everybody who knows why we're not doing that bit anymore, we don't feel like explaining it again. I deputize all of you to explain it to those people. Go ahead. I can want. At length. I want to leave everybody. Is that your sources?

I want to leave everybody. Yeah, I don't want to end on a bad note. We didn't forget to do it. We're not fucking doing it. Stop. So quit asking. Quit asking. Thank you.

God damn it. Yes. One, I am legit overjoyed for all of my Michigan friends that this happened. Thank you. Oh, you mean outside the. Yes. In addition to us.

In addition to us, but all of our Michigan friends, I am elated for you. It is, it is. This is a great year to be a Zenoi State fan just for the record. It was, I'm sure. Oh, you need a beautiful year. You should pick them. needed that 10. I want, it took nine years. I want to end on a note of perseverance, okay? And not Michigan related, though, I will take the off ramp using Michigan to get there because it took nine years

for Michigan to get here. And I hope all of your programs have that kind of patience, unless your coach is a moron, in which case, if you're a rival of my team, I hope you maintain that patience and extend it to year 12, 13, 14, hell, 15. It takes a long time to win a championship, is what I'm saying. And if you think you're just going to put more money after bad money and lose it, you might be putting a down payment on greatness, albeit one you might not see for 20 years. Sometimes it takes 20 years to learn how to coach football. How are you going to know? Only one way to find out.

Keep writing the checks. But that's not the tale of perseverance I wanted to highlight here. What I wanted to highlight was there was a retirement of some note in college football right before the national title game. And that is that of Kevin Steele. Kevin Steele, long time college assistant defensive. coordinator, one-time head coach at Baylor. Did he fuck up at Baylor? Friends, he didn't just fuck up at Baylor.

Wasn't he also the one-time head coach at Tennessee? Listen. For a minute, yes. He hot potatoed around the interim gigs. Did he once help hide a gun in a safe until the cops could get it in a shooting incident at Nebraska? Yes. Yes, he did.

Is he one of the worst coaches in Baylor history, which is saying a lot on the field? Did he make the most boneheaded call in coaching history? Likely. I think there's a debate to be. there. But running the ball instead of taking a knee and fumbling and losing to UNLV at home, that's definitely a decision that I think he's going to wear. But you know what? You can pile all that on him because he's feather light today because Kevin Steele wanted one thing in life and he

wanted a pension and you need 10 years to be seated in the Alabama State pension fund. A Bill Clark plan, baby. Yeah. And Kevin, Kevin needed to just hang on. Kevin needed to just find a spot. admittedly, when the coup at Auburn failed and he was not elected by a certain group of boosters against Brian Hartson. Okay. Yeah, against the Brian Harrison. The Auburn football, that Auburn football

coup, not the other Auburn football coup or the one that came up. Not the unathleted related Auburn coups. By the way, fuck you split zone duo for playing for playing January 6th defendant quote or Michigan message board.

Like, I know y'all are struggling to pick up listeners, but you don't have to just straight up it was a really good bit admittedly that was the fucking no i can't listen i can't tell you how happy i am it was taken off it's just it's evergreen kevin needed a job and he needed to stay in the state of alabama in order to go ahead and drive toward his goal of what a pension a pension for what for me eventually as kevin steel going to my favorite spot in south carolina and not wearing a shirt for three months in the summer while i eat the same food every day at the only restaurant that lets me come in shirtless and without shoes on,

which is exactly what Kevin Steele actually does. The dream fulfilled Kevin Steele by getting 10 years has qualified for his Alabama pension. Dreams are real, and sometimes they take 10 years of some of the most hardcore hustling imaginable, but you can get there because if Kevin Steele can fulfill his dream of being paid to be retired and eat shirtless at the only restaurant in South Carolina that lets him eat shirtless, friends all of us can do it all of us can attain that dream can i take us out on as far away from a oburn football as possible on a democratic vote before we do that can we do some brief podcast business i guess yeah it's j this is just for jason please jason go ahead

hey jason yes i'm going on something new no we it's we should just keep talking about the thing you plug your book idiot jason's like that shit's all you read any good book like Jason no I thought I thought there is... Here I am point up. I'm going to throw in the alley of Jason. No, I thought there was something that I said earlier today or something like that. So, I have a novel. It's really fucking good. Some people have said, oh, but I don't, I've never been to a lot of church. Well, Spencer said it's good. How much church do you think Spencer's been to? Despite Jason, too, I don't really want to talk about how good this book is. I'm just so sick of saying how incredible it is. But, yeah, just before the dawn of 2024, its proceeds culminated in donating 39,000 something to the Trevor Project.

God damn. There will be more on the way. Yes, we have a sold-out live show coming next month. Those of you who will be in attendance, I will be sending you a spreadsheet this week to solicit your religion disaster stories. But yeah, buy the book. buy several copies of the book for all your friends all the money that comes in before February 12th is going to the Trevor Project some people have said oh how can we get you money too bad no you can't so quit asking just buy the book and I'm getting rid of the money

Jason cut a promo on him man you really want to give money away it's that badly and you've and you've already given your in-kind donation to the Trevor Project buy the book um charity bill's coming up yeah think just just think on that I think you do need to cut a promo on him Jason you'd be like you know how tired I am you know how much energy I have when I have to wrestle Roman Raines out here for 60 minutes, 60 minutes a hard wrestling action and then I have to tell everyone here, everyone here in Charlotte,

North Carolina, here at the Ressel Dome. I don't know where they wrestling in Charlotte. Where were they wrestling, Charlotte? Why shouldn't it? Hold on, that server. He's right here. Here at the Rassel. It's the Tokyo Dome in Charlotte. It's the Spectrum Center, Daddy. Well, I got to get here at the Spectrum Center

and tell you how good my book is. It should be shine and radioactive with this quality luminous in my hand and yet you people you insist on hearing it again but i give and i give and i give oh can we have a station at the thing where we like apply glitter to the covers of the books of people who bring them like jason can sign them and then we can put like puffy stickers we will have uh exclusive stickers book decoration station that's a good idea maybe we'll do that too okay we know i mean is it real church event without crafts that's i love it i love it yes we will uh paint dinosaurs that uh when extinct exactly exactly 6,000 years ago.

Jason is going to wrestle Gunther, take eight chop to the chest, and then he is going to give away copies. Good, they're so fucking awesome. I would, I would do that. It would be an honor. I know you would. That's why I chose Goethehrer. I was like, who would Jason willingly get his ass to be by, and I'm like, Goethehr. That would be me

as snakes, soldiers in metal gear. Thank you, sir. That's me with Pent. I'll be like, break my arm, please. Por favor. See? That's just motivational. That is. I'm like, yeah. Motivational arm break.

Also, when Penta breaks your arm, you wrestle the next week just fine. So you're good. Holly, what did you want to bring us out on? We had a reader question that I feel like we should answer by popular acclamation. Nay or yay. This is WLS co-pilot on Twitter who proposes, this is now fuck Ohio year. Wow. I think it is whether we want it to be or not.

It's awfully spiteful, but yeah, I kind of feel like this is out of our hands at this point. yeah Mike DeWine sucks fuck Ohio it's an election year so eventually that'll be true how are the Browns doing that pretty well actually

really good you know that's why no oh Jesus Joe Flacko who played a Delaware who uses Michigan's helmet go blue I'm sorry

the Delaware blue that's right yeah oh can you need motherfuckers that's latin ask your split zone duo friends