Shutdown Fullcast - DAD DISASTERS, PART 2: Deleted Scenes

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

SHOW NOTES A tour through dads of the western canon, featuring its three most prominent pillars:  Greek mythology, the Bible, and Star Wars The danger of making your own energy-efficient garage door Spencer does an accent again, sorry We were fighting the audio haint for much of this recording and as a result accidentally glossed over Jason inventing NASA Applebees but that’s our trademark Why sparkler disasters are better than other fireworks disasters Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Bhophaar! Bhaar! Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined, as always, in alphabetical order by Holly Anderson. You say hi. Hi.

That's great. For men. For men. Jason Kirk. Hello, Jason. Hi. How have you been, Spencer? You know, I am alive.

Alive. I had to watch a basketball game and talk about it late night last night, and I didn't cuss, so I'm very happy about that. Ryan, you being the fourth host here, are you also short on sleep? Being a dad in the summer? short suggests that I have like some hope of catching up like I think my my sleep is sort of the the physical equivalent of people who have like 400,000 dollars in credit card debt when it's like well are you are you coming up short it's like yeah but in a way that's sort of comical at this point yeah I'm never going to be whole and that's fine

it's it's old-timey firefighting when you see a barn a blaze and somebody's like, I got a bucket. That's your bucket line. Form the bucket line. Yeah. Keep throwing. It'll make the embers very cool eventually. Once the whole thing burns

down. Joining us and Manning the Ones is Michael Cerber. We are going to continue discussing dad disasters. We had such a surplus, such a glut.

of paternal catastrophes submitted to us by listeners that we had to do another one. If they were eels and we were Wicked King John, we'd be dead. That is correct. If they were cherries and Zach Taylor, well, we'd still end up dead. Yeah. Can I ask a question first? Of course. What is the peak fictional dad disaster?

Like, what is the story we carry through the, culture. Is it, is it, is, is it, is it, is it, is a really good. Uh, that's a really good. Uh, that's a really good. Icarus is a monstrous dad to say it'll be fine. But, no, Icarus, that denies Icarus his agency. Yeah, Icarus is a son disaster in both meetings. I guess is a son you never got to be. I, I, I think we might, all right, well, then he says, well, Daedalus does warn him, right? But you got to know as a dad. If you're dataless, you got to know. You're like, boy's an idiot.

You know, you know if your boy can handle having the wax wings. Just within Greek mythology alone, every story involving Zeus is a bigger dad disaster. Fair, fair. Every single story involving Zeus. I was going to say Saturn's a really good dad disaster.

I'll solve this problem through eating. Oh, shit. Listen, what better way to, like, achieve peak dad them? Did it be like, I'm going to eat my problems? Or in the reverse of that problem, the birth of Athena. Yeah. I think that is Zeus's only achievement. Like, the only cool thing Zeus did was have a superior god birth from his head.

Yes. And even then, we've got the delightful misogyny of ancient mythology by being like, A literal headache. Ah, that's what a daughter is. Thank you. Thank you, great mythology. I think Thanos is a great, great dad disaster just all around. Because remember, the one thing we never understand about Thanos is why he wants to be a dad in the first place.

And yet he's like, oh, daughters. He wouldn't want daughters. I think that's very clear. I think that's, and I think we all know this kind of dad who's like, well, I'm going to have kids so they can help me around the house. I need somebody to help me with chores. Like, that's why Thanos is a dad. It's just that his chores are very extreme.

So in the original comics version, it is less a dad disaster and more a wife guy disaster. Yes, sure. Thanos is obsessed with winning the love of mistress death. So it just sort of every facet of male householdness, Thanos is a disaster version of it. I think if we go back to Noah's arc when Dad destroyed Earth because he was mad.

Yeah, yeah. And then I guess I shouldn't have done that. And then like it either got drunk with Noah or just watch Noah get drunk and pass out. I know we've talked about it before, but if we ever thought about doing like a group watch of the Aronofsky Noah movie? We haven't, although it was Felder and I,

who were the guests. for the NOAA episode of Vacation Bible School. And that was the first time I watched the movie. The movie is excellent. It was not what I expected. The creation story is kind of a dad disaster too where it's like, well, I put out this food that I said the kids shouldn't eat, and then I walked away, and sure don't know, those kids didn't eat it.

I think my favorite part is that dad agrees to leave the perfect place. The kids, you got to leave. What's the next scene? Dad left, too. it's great it's heartwarming dad just didn't like he didn't like the perfect place without the kids that he kicked out

that's like dad on dad violence though the entire Noah story because what's more dad than I'm gonna solve my problems I'm gonna get to a boat then I'll get real drunk my kids laugh at me because they saw dad's dick

like that's very I'm gonna get a bunch of weird pets and go sailing I'm gonna go somewhere else why are you doing this dad because i heard voices it's not presented this way uh in in the prequels per se but i do appreciate the dad disaster of like yeah when mom was pregnant with us dad decided to get in a volcano fight and burned off his arms and legs and then we didn't see him for like 30 years

and then when he did he was breathing through a harmonica Star Wars is a pretty good dad Disaster all right Like everybody who's a paternal figure Is fucking up constantly I thought I'd teach my adopted son How to sword fight Then he fucking chopped me into pieces

We've all been there That's a universal one Yeah Abstractly That's it oh then what did you do I lost a fight with my uncle Right I taught a new adoptive son

out a sword fight. That's what I did. I think Star Wars, you can summarize the entire Skywalker saga as saying it is a stepdad disaster. Just one long rolling, like father figure disasters.

They even tried to shoehorn in. Oh, surprise, Palpatine has children at the end. That's why Chewbacca's great, because Jabaka has no parents and no kids. And Yoda. Yoda's the only of his species at one point. He's doing fine. That's right. Chewbacca and Yoda just cool. He gets piggyback rides everywhere.

Yeah. Chewbacca and Yoda just cool space uncles. And then what happens once Yoda adopts a child? He dies because the stress. Oh, being a dad has aged me so fast. I live for 600 years

about kids and I had a kid for three months and now I'm dying. I have, I have all the little smokies out of my mini fridge and now I'm a shadow. He did. suddenly have, I suddenly have two sons. One of them's a robot who would kick me.

The annoying little shit. I will now die. Honestly, now that you, now that you put it this way, I'm going to watch his death scene and be like, right on, man. Right on. Yeah. He's like, oh. The dream.

Tick clock it all the way back. Which. Yoda's like, oh, finally I can fucking sleep. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. But also, like, Star Wars lets the audience off easy in that environment and look, just Listen, I love him, but just look at Yoda. Can you imagine the smell of what that death must have been like?

Yeah. Like, we got off easy. Like, the audience just off easy by having him just fade. They don't tell you that. Just a 500-year fart. That entire planet had the smell so bad, it's horrible. Uh-huh. But, like, that whole planet, swamps and mystery death caves and animals and steam and shit,

like, dead Yoda would be the best smelling thing on that planet. That's right. That's a great argument. Let's see, Star Wars has road trips. Dad's being like, you know how we're going to solve this problem? Road trip. Guys living in their cars with their pets. Correct?

Big dad element is all problems can be solved by construction. The empire's whole thing is like, you know, we're going to do a big construction project. That's the kind of dad I am. We're going to improve. And what took down the first Death Star? Was it in fact a dad going rogue? It was. The death start was a dad disaster coming and going.

Yeah. Additionally, Darth Vader, alter dad because does he go and find everyone himself? No, he's busy. He hired people to do it. No disintegration. Who did he hire Boba Fett, a guy who watched his dad's head fall off? Yeah, that's right. Littered with dads.

also it wasn't either boba i can never remember boba or jango is the one they cloned to create the uh one of the various jango trooper armies so jango jango is just a massive dad disaster because he led to the bad bad bad show no one watched king dad jango fat yeah even obi one even obi one who is not a dad has serious dad behavior because in the first movie he is living alone in Arizona. He has real divorce dad energy. He does. He's living alone in Arizona. Yeah. Right? Like I check in on you, but we don't, you don't live here. I don't have a, I don't have a bed for you in my house. But you don't know I exist. Correct. Correct. Um, he kind of lies about his origins and lies to questions, right? Indirectly. He gets into a fight at a bar. One outfit. He's got one outfit. Extremely stepdad. He's got to go rent a car. Dad. You wear your robe everywhere.

Well, it's comfy. That's why. They don't tell you that about Obi-Wan when he's like, I have to get off this planet. But I got an issue with my license, so I got to pay a guy to do it. Oh, you know, over some bullshit. Do you have to pack anything? No, I'm good. How are we going to get off this planet?

We're going to go to a bar. Don't worry. We're going to get it on credit. I don't have cash. I need you to sell your car because I don't have cash. Why? have no expenses. What are you spending your money on? Gambling mostly. What are you going to do to pass the time? Well, I'm going to ask you to put a helmet on and then I'm just going to throw

shit at you. And you're going to be like, ow, and I'll be like, that's learning. This is what learning feels like. That's the space batting cage. What are we going to do for batting cages? That's what. Yeah. And then he gets killed and claims it's all part of a plan, just like a dad would. Yeah, that's what I wanted to happen. I meant to do that. Or his only real display of skill in the entire movie is when he's like, yeah, hold on, I know how to break into a place. Hold on, I'll sneak in. I got this.

In this same spirit, can we open our second volume of Dad Disasters server with voicemail, Dan from Florida, Dan from 772? because this is a this is a little bit of a variation on the dad disastrous theme that I thought everybody might really enjoy Hi, this is Dan

from Florida, Go Gators I was a fussy child growing up so my dad being the father that he was like the rough housing picked me up and spun me around a lot as a kid so when I was about two years old I punched him in the belly button so hard

that it herniated his belly button been a constant medical problem since so I would like to take this father day to say uh gotcha dad glad you still have to bear that mark to this day go gators horns down go gators baby yeah

we spent so much time talking about dad created disasters and not disasters inflicted upon dads and i just thought that was a special moment i like that turn yeah herniated belly button this is a new one for me what is your belly button supposed to connect to like i don't know i've i've googled this right now I believe, this is something that you usually would see in, like, an infant, but it can be acquired in adulthood. If punched.

So it's called an umbilical hernia. And it occurs when your intestine bulges through the opening in your abdominal muscles near your belly button. Oh, cool. Two-year-old? Yes. He punched him so hard that his gut started to pop out. Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm going to say this, like, we haven't just spent three weeks at Channel 6 researching whether it's

possible to knock someone out by punching them in the butt. Would this have been prevented if dad had had better core strength? Sound off in the comments. Medical professionals or medical device salesman, please call in to our voicemail line at Cerber. Just layer it over and pretend I said the number right here. 704 Solcast. That's 704-8-O-L cast. And tell us if you think that Dan's dad could have saved himself a

lifetime of hurt by having better core strength definitely wasn't flexing like i think that's the dad trick is when when you're going to get hit you just like tense and you're like ah yeah the the the dad move is think heavy just flex all your flex everything from from your belly button down is the dad move so you don't get thrown yeah if you yeah if you watch an older guy go down at any point on a golf course when they're hit by a a golf ball. They all do that. They're all like, oh, flex, we're going down. It's just how I turn into Colossus. Just with, she will.

I just sort of, whenever I'm struck, I just sort of turned into the Saddam Hussein statue and tip. Oh, like Tanuki Mario. Yeah, Stone Mario. Yeah. Stone Mario. Okay. I don't want to break our pattern, except I am going to break it right off the bat. There's another one

in this exact vein server. If you want to play 7-7-8. Ollie from Hickory. This is the one that we mentioned last week where a dad gets H1N1, and that's not the disaster. Hi, this is Olly McClellan from Hickory, Indiana, calling in with my dad disaster story. It's actually more of a grandpa disaster story. In 2009, I gave my dad H1N1, and he nearly died. He was in the ICU and lost about 25 pounds. And while he was in there, the doctor was making small talk and asked him, hey, how did you break your back? And my dad said, I've never broken my back. And the doctor said, no, sir, you most certainly have.

You have three fused vertebrae in your lower back. That doesn't happen unless you've broken your back. So my dad thought about it, and he figured, well, that must have been the time I fell through a hole in a roof when I was working on the job site when I was two years old. because my grandpa, my grandpa was a contractor and my grandma came and dropped my dad off and he was two years old and said don't let the kid, you know, hey, look after the kid for a little bit and so grandpa could never

ever help himself. He couldn't stand seeing somebody being idle. So within about 20 minutes he had my two-year-old father up scurrying about on the roof, passing him nails and tools and other sorts of things and as my dad was doing so he was walking along the roof and fell right through a chimney hole smacked his back on the floor and uh wasn't that hurt apparently because grandpa came downstairs and said okay this never happened we're not telling your mother this happened

so uh dad got up dusted himself off went back to work on the roof and i guess it would be about 63 years later learned that he broke his back all right that's all for me love you guys take care i think it's cool having like you know your parents leave you like a time capsule full of presence in your spine Mm-hmm. That's very Star Wars. You're special. Do I have the force? No, no, no. You have

three fuse vertebrae in your back. So I don't, we haven't obviously done a other relative disaster prompt before. But there were a lot including this one obviously where Dad's move is like swear you to silence.

Is that a you? That feels like like that that doesn't feel like it happens with anyone but dads specifically and it seems doomed at best i can't ever be remember being sworn to silence by my mother on anything sure i think if a mom swear you to silence it's either about what about what about i mean what about what about the gravy weren't you told to be silent about that no i mean oh shit i have two dads happy pride months y'all no i think if a if a mother swears you to silence on something. It's either like, oh, don't tell anybody that I flicked that man off in the parking lot or on the far end of consequence. It's like, I did kill a man when I was 13. You know what

that was? That was programming by my mother. You see how I automatically spat it? Well, we have no secrets in my family and I forgot that I've revealed one on this exact show. There you go. Yeah. Way to go. I think also maybe moms are more likely to swear you to secrecy to spare somebody else's feelings or to have somebody else not have a bad time. Most of these disasters are not happening. on a mother's watch. That's true. The sample, the pool, the pool of which to pull from,

the pool of which to pull from is so much smaller for moms. I just like, the, like, ultimate, like, maybe stereotypical mom's wearing you to secret would be like she had an affair, whereas the dad would be like, we burned in a roller coaster. I poisoned someone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was dating a bad man, so we poisoned him and threw him in the swamp. Don't ever tell anyone. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be, it's going to be, it's going to be true crime versus like, um, wackiest amusement park disasters.

Sure. It's like the staircase versus cops. Right. Spiritually. I just, why do, why do dads think that like, what part of a dad's brain is like, you know who will keep this secret? An eight year old. You know who I can trust to be by compatriary.

I think you just answered your own question. What part of the brain? Let us address the issue inside the question. Ryan, you're not there yet, but Spencer, Jason, you've both had eight-year-olds in your care. Have they kept secrets? No. No.

They don't keep secrets. If I tell my nine-year-old to keep a secret, he immediately turns and goes, hey, secret! Like, just broadcast it. It stays in the head for approximately two seconds, and then it goes right out the mouth. I can't think of any time we've ever done this.

Usually we're so in cahoots that we will announce the cahoots we're in. Like, hey, Emily, here's the secret we're keeping from you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, you know. That can have its own pieces. Yeah. I think asking your child to keep a secret is the best way to have them rat you out and say, and dad told me not to tell you. That's perjury or something.

So there's the keeping of dad's secrets, and then I think a good chunk of the time, there's dads either not knowing or not noticing that there is something that perhaps needs to be kept a secret. I'm referring here to Devin from Ohio, who writes in with the following story. When I was in the first grade, I fell out of the reading loft in our classroom, hit a table and chair on the way down, and got knocked unconscious for a little bit. Oh, God. Woke back up. Reading left. Don't go up there. Woke back up, the principal drove me to my dad, who was also a teacher in the school at a different building.

Oh, boy. I sat in his classroom for a period or so. He then drove me back to class. Came home. Couldn't take off my shirt and asked my mom to help. Turns out I had a broken rib. Fast forward, now 15 years, my mom has put a warning on every medical form that she sent the schools. do not call my husband call me three times on each number wait and my dad is now principal

of the whole entire school district yes I assume this means this means more reading lofts somehow yeah damn how high up was this really like was it an airy was it a 30 foot reading loft how far do you think you have to fall to break a bone michael felder that's a very good question yeah get in the reading tree stand all right we're gonna we're gonna read so there I was up in the reading hot air balloon just young mankind going right off the top of that thing

come to the reading loft if you want an ass kicking oh the reading zeppelin um I'm gonna start my session off with the shorty a little shorthy but it's it's a classic here and it's Jesse from Indiana Dad, once got my mom a family-sized bottle of Tylenol for Mother's Day because she, quote, gets a lot of headaches lately, unquote. Congratulations on your divorce. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what one of her headaches is.

It's you, dad. Maybe she needs some Tylenol, see? It's a good gift. You know who really knows how to give a headache? A cast iron frying pan to the skull. fried green tomatoes this man That's like I'm saying When your mom says keep a secret

It's we killed a man And then the town ate him In the form of delicious chili Congrats on your jokes dad Sleep with one eye open Interstand mom I guess since Ryan has left The call I'm up next

Oh Yeah Ryan's back there he is Too late. I'm taking... Too late. This comes from Russell. My dad, Elmer Dale...

We are off to... Whoa! Okay. Elmerdale has always had his own ideas about best standards and practices for preventative maintenance. For instance, for many years, he would only open our garage door

halfway, quote, to save wear and tear, end quote. This is the stupid issue. That's a stupid shit about her. That's dumb as hell. That's dumb as hell. He continued his half-open door policy until the time he was rushing out to the car

and ran smack into it. I was in the car and heard it happen. Not sure if he hit it Wiley Coyote style or was bending down to get under and just misjudged. Either way, it sounded like a shotgun blast. Dad, this is dad.

doing this stupid thing to save like nine cents worth of electricity per year and so that the garage door like so the garage door goes bad like 900 years from now instead of 800 years from now and I truly thought that I had heard

every household life hack to save you know the air conditioning the whole neighborhood vein this was brand new wow Can I just point out, by the way, that by opening a garage door, which I assume is the rolling multisectioned metal kind, that is on a track, that by only opening it halfway, you are actually keeping it in tension and thus exposing it to more stress than if it were simply lying horizontal or stacked vertically. Yeah, you're putting more stress on the chain and on top of it. You also saved energy by being unconscious for what it sounds like several minutes of a day were.

So good job. this is why this is why life was better in some ways before the internet was widespread because now if you did this you would tell people on the internet and they would explain to you why you're stupid but back then you'd just like come up with your own life hacks and be like well there's nobody to tell me that this is a stupid waste of time so not only will i do it i will do it forever yeah i haven't had enough garage doors to know if this is true can you program a setting into them where they stop up or down, or is this guy standing with his hand on the button of the garage? Based on the time, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, stop. Based on when I'm guessing the time is, it has to have been the, like, I've got the timing down thing. His name's Elmer Dale, so I don't think there's a whole lot of computer settings going on. No, that's a very good point.

I hope he, like, like, I hope he just rigged a block or something in the track to just be like, it only goes this far, not even if you want to. you open the garage door all the way like is the is there that's what i'm wondering is there a device uh please please feel free russell to to write back call back and let us know is there was there a device some sort of home invention involved or was he standing there with a gimblet eye waiting to push the button only when he could slip it's like he's trying to sneak out of his own house using the loudest possible means of egress i want i want to be there for the conversation that happened like 10 years later

when the garage door had to be replaced and he's just like laying into the... God damn it, I've only opened this thing halfway for a decade. It shouldn't be broken. They're like, nowhere in the warranty doesn't say anything to do that that's relevant.

But you don't understand. I doubled the life. I doubled the life of my garage door. If you never saw your neighbors, though, you would just assume you'd be like, that is a house of... That's a house with very short people in it. How much garage door do you need?

Yeah, I'd be like raccoons live there. Raccoons live there, and they don't need the garage door open all the way, and that scares them when it is. Only commuting via go-kart to own my Elmerdale, who thinks that this actually works. Yeah, I'm a street looser. That's how I get around. Yeah.

By the way, this would end any relationship I had with Elmerdale once I found it out. I'd be like, you are too stupid to breathe. Can't tolerate this. Are you kidding? I follow that man to hell. He's probably got great snacks for the road. Oh, I'd leave the garage door wide open just to fuck with him all the time. Because then he's going to have to put it back down. And he's going to have to watch as it goes,

God damn it. This is like two uses I'm watching here. Misery. I would like to read one from Jim. Jim says Once when my mom was out of town on business my dad let my younger brothers and I ages 11, 8, and 6

watched the entirety of the movie Slapshot. He quote, really honestly forgot how much swearing and nudity there was. I can still hear my mom shouting, well then why didn't you stop the movie Tom during the fallout after her six-year-old angel

greeted her with a hearty welcome fucking home, mom. Oh, he got his first name. He's in trouble. Oh, when they quote Slapshot, they're my kids. Tom. That's absolutely correct. That's absolutely correct.

All right. I'm going to swerve here. Server, can we pull up 941 and introduce to the listenership, the Auburn Night Mom? Hey, y'all. I have a mom dad moment. When I was five years old, my dad was out of town and my mom went out to the garage refrigerator, not to be confused with the food refrigerator, and somehow got locked out of our house while wearing an oversized Auburn T-shirt, Wardam, and no pants. And so what's the woman to do, but pick up an axe and hack down the door because you don't want to wake your sleeping five-year-old. Instead, hacking down a door is a much less traumatizing event.

And five-year-old Megan went to share at share time the next day and told her kindergarten class that her mommy, had chopped down the door. And I'm pretty sure that is when my kindergarten teacher started having some questions. The ticker to this story is that my dad owns a construction company and when he came home from his business trip, within 30 seconds of walking in the door, he asked, why do we have a new door? And my mom had to explain that she had gone full, here comes Johnny on our door in the middle of the night so that our neighbors would not see her bare legs. So yeah, that was the most dad mom moment I've ever experienced. Gender is a construct and never is that truer than in the case of the Auburn night mom. Yeah, I think it's great to have some mom representation on dad

disasters because it's very easy to fall into this idea that moms have to be. be wise all the time and that's another for anyone really like it's okay to let our moms axe down a door from time to time and just just let their dad out a little bit i do enjoy though that he was like why do we have a new door because i might not have noticed that i really might not have if it's just you know standard door i'd be like i've misremembered that construction guy was like i see a story that's got to be a wonderful life by the way being a construction person and looking around and going, hmm, I see that drywall is different than that drywall.

Somebody probably put their head through it at one point, right? And they're like, wow. It's like you can read the entire palimcess of dad disasters past in architecture. Would this be more dad if the mom had tried to fix the door afterwards instead of replacing it? Yes. It tried to fix it and made it worse, yes. If she tried to piece the shreds of it together, yeah. Yeah, or if she just put like Monster's Ink style.

Yeah, chicken wire and saran wrap to make it airtight. Why is there a tarp? Well, you see, it's much more efficient. If you just let the wood glue sit, it'll fix anything, all right? Oh, this happened twice in my house over the last year of trying to let the wood glue sit to repair a door that had been ripped off its hinges. Did it work? Yeah, we did that. Yeah, because by my younger son, who throws open every single door as hard as he can every time he enters a room.

Like Kramer, just open. He is nine years old. He is small for his age, and he has ripped two different doors in my home off its hinges during the course of COVID Zoom school. Yeah, just throwing him open. This is why Castles had portcullis to destroy, to throw kids. Kids, because kids, you know, they don't have the base to throw it open like that. Yeah, except my son. He'd break that.

They'd be like, who broke it? Who broke the portcullis? The castle's defenseless because of an eight-year-old. He's not large either. It's coming from someplace astral. No, it's some sort of, you know, like I have broken or lost every watch I have ever owned. He is like that, but with doors. And several other items, actually.

Yeah, it's probably more of a general mayhem thing than item specific. This one's from Drew. Before Hurricane Hugo hit South Carolina, it gained close enough to the Atlantic Coast of Florida to stir up very strong surf. Our family had recently moved to Florida, and this was our first close call hurricane. We decided we needed to go see it for ourselves. We lived 25 minutes from Daytona Beach, and as we started to load the car, my dad whispered to me to make sure I wore my swimsuit. When we got to the beach, the tide was up so far you couldn't park on the sand like Northern. and the surge was so rough that it looked like nothing but white foam.

Dad told my mom and sister that he and I were going to go for a quick swim, and we'd be right back. My dad had a reputation for being unstoppable, and so nobody bothered to try to talk him out of it. Everyone assumed that when he said things like, let's see what's in that cave or hand me that gallon moonshine, that he'd be fine, because he was six, seven, and two hundred and eighty pounds and frequently strong. I was 5'9 and weighed 110 pounds, but if I was with him, I'd probably be fine. We waded out into the surf and I instantly got knocked off my feet and was trying to keep my head above water. Dad was laughing like a maniac and just kept saying things like, wow, and pretty rough, huh? As I was getting tossed around. Then a real wave actually came in and I saw my dad's feet stick straight up out of the water when he got picked up and thrown.

almost immediately after that we were pulled out by a riptide and lost sight of our minivan we swam parallel to the beach for what felt like half a day looking for any spot calm enough that we could fight our way back to shore when we eventually made it back inland we had to walk two and a half miles back to where we'd part okay in this dad's defense they did know he did appear to know what to do in the event of a riptide. Yes. I think the problem is that he was like,

let's go swim in when the ocean is all rippedide, everything. The problem is, yeah, the problem is everything else, but kudos to him for knowing what to do in this situation, which I did not anticipate. I'm also curious. Yeah, yeah. I'm curious to hear this dad described in the past tense. Is he dead?

If so, how? I want to know. Maybe, maybe was unsatisfied with life's, with life's natural disasters that could not beat him and decided he was done. Classic era of Dadda, by the way, that he thought, Ocean versus 6-7-280,

I got this. That's right. Defeated, buddy. It's undefeated. Poseidon doesn't take those L's. Yeah, no. I just, I, this is a really helpful reminder

that the line between Dad disaster and horrifying tragedy is so narrow, so narrow. We got one that I didn't put on here. America's Funniest Home Videos and Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, correct. 30 minutes on the dial and like one inch semantically between the two. We got, yeah, like, the difference here is like a cramp.

That's the difference between horrifying tragedy and just weird dumb shit my dad did. We got one that I didn't include that was about an Australian dad who let his child, walk back through the Australian bush to the car in the height of snake season and the kid was missing for eight hours and had to be rescued by helicopter and I was just like this is too like this this plays on every anxiety I have so many of these are just like the shit where it's just dad being like well kids can't die so it'll be fun You shut the fuck up It's just snake It's just snake season Their bones are soft And that means they will bounce

Life expected season The 70s So therefore kids can't die That's how mouth works Yeah Snake season Imagine Her snake season

It was like good Similar with snake season Yeah Like there's spider season Snake season Snake season and kangaroo season And a season And a season called

The Wet Flying spider season season. Yeah. And then Christmas. And then hot Christmas. That's spider season. Yeah, that's fine.

It's also a spider season. Little Santa's in the air with sacks full of baby spiders and gifts. A gift. Oi, throw a snake and Santa. I have a different bad accent I have to do for this one. Oh, good. It's from Thomas. Dad took Tween me to Germany on a bike trip.

You go, devour. force over compensation. This will be a good disaster accent. This sounds like it also falls under kids can't die. Okay. Dad concluded, oh, never good. Here we go. Dad's our, dad's thinking. There's the problem. Dad shouldn't conclude

this early in story. He's gathered no facts. No. Dad concluded optimal mode of transportation was buying, packing, and internationally shipping an all steel, custom-built tandem recumbent

bicycle. In case you weren't convinced this was going to be greatness, the word recumbent came in in the penultimate word of this sentence and just slam-dunked it. That's right. Taking a tween on a steel-custom built tandem recumbent bike.

Google, how can I make sure my tween will have no sexual experiences in your tandem recumbent bicycle? Tween is like, I'm going to meet many hot foreigners. No, I'm sorry. Actually, you're not.

Neither will dad. Dad will meet no hot foreigners either. Dad did not factor in a number of things. I'm just going to cut the sentence off and say that he did not factor it a number of things. But the thing that he mentions is the dad did not factor in that said contraption was 12 feet long, 100 plus pounds, and worked about as well as the HBO Chernobyl joke about a Soviet machine made to cut four apples as word spread of our travels you've already become part of the lore again pre-social media this is like lonely planet mouth to mouth do you know

what kind of a freak show you have to become or to be to become part of german lore you have to be a talking fox or wolf right you have to be lost children in the woods or dracula you have to be Dracula. Yeah, or you have to be an idiot on a 100-pound 30-foot-long recumbent bike with the tween. As word spread of our travels, the small German towns we were passing through would have regular groups of onlookers gathered to watch the budding legend of the American father with a portly son and a very stupid bicycle yelling exhortations as they strained to climb even modest hillocks.

and frantically yelling, breaking instructions as they shot down them in 50 miles an hour. The traffic cops were stern but kindly and took pity on us for flying through intersections. Ah, Dostrusal Kinder and his father!

This is the Sikh talk with a snowboarding kid. I can't start. To American-ish. Here he comes. sausage boy on the proper Frankfurt hey man

laugh now laugh now that kid grew up to be Mr. February and our Husky

Boys of Quiz Bowl calendar yes he did yes he did fucking dork de France touring

through this this shit is uncool runnings I just I just love that

the to me the most dad element of this story is that

immediately this is not working, but at no point is the dad like, we will abandon and change plans. He's like, no, we made a commitment to this recumbentine bicycle. We will honor it, God damn. Yeah, either sell the bike for parts or to the Autobahn. You'll listen to tomorrow, we are going to get the children. We are going to make a nice picnic. We are going to sit on that hill, and we will watch the fat American boy and his idiot father on the giant death cycle. We will go down.

We will have some rattlers and some of the delicious crucible. It will be wonderful. And then we'll go home and they'll die. Yeah. And in two weeks, they have to make ground trips so they'll come back. Yeah, they ship the bike home. That's probably the most horrifying part is, oh God, now my friends are going to see this. This is the one where I would like a follow up.

I would like to know what happened to the bike. Because I bet the dad kept it for way longer than he should have. They say it's still hanging in the garage on pegs. Yeah, Werner-Hurzog bought it. Taking up an entire wall of a garage. I have bought this bicycle. Yeah. This bicycle built from ignorance and kept alive only through the sheer panting of two fat Americans

trying to outrun their own stupidity on the ancient hills of Bohemia. It is an affront to physics and global. would taste. You must never ride this bicycle. You have promised me that. I would like to see the fat baby on the long bicycle. That's what they were.

They were just on the hills. In their little later hosin looking down and going, ayah, the stupid bike. Welcome to Satan's Peloton. All right. In the interest of equal time, We have something we've never had before. We have a voicemail from a child.

Aiden in Broward County, Cerber Plain 954. You're on the air. Hi, I am Aiden, and I am nine. So this is one of my dad castrophies. So one day after I got home from school, I discovered that there was a copy. head in my neighbor's garage. My dad went to get a shovel.

He tried to smush the copperhead. But it escaped and he ended up smushing the neighbor's garage. Then the neighbor started chasing him around the neighborhood. But as she chased him around the neighborhood,

she attracted more attention and she told everybody the story so my dad was running from millions of people throughout the neighborhood. Then he made an agreement with the neighbors that he would

that he would melt all of their lawns and wash all of their dishes for a month. I have to hang up. So, there's extensive use of the word smush here, but what I'm gathering from Aiden is his dad

ended up just beating up the garage door with a shovel and then chased by an angry mob. I'm taking Smush to mean the exact same thing, like the exact same verb for what he was going to do to the snake he did to the garage, which means this dad is incredibly tall. He's a giant

and he smushed like the hammer fall of the shovel, crushed the entire garage, which horrified onlookers, and there were literally millions of people chasing this. giant. This does, this child is casting his father as

a Frankenstein figure who means well, but doesn't understand his own strength that terrifies the entire neighborhood in the process. Kind of an iron giant. Yeah, if you've ever seen your father smile at

a little girl and throw her into a pond, your dad is Frankenstein. Fuck. I haven't seen that, but... I don't think I've seen that. yeah the original frankinstein there's just this like the scene where he just throws a girl in a pond like ah she drowns and he's like oh no i also like that the the impetus for this is so unnecessary it's not there was a snake at our house and it went over it's there was a snake somewhere else and my dad decided you know what this needs me and my shovel that's what this situation calls for

That garage is my jurisdiction. Yeah, my guy's been playing way too much call of duty, way too much battlefront. If he's like, all right, I got a shovel. I can solve any problem. This, my riot shield, and a flashbang. My party's ready. COD stands for Copperhead overrules dad.

Yep. I have a short one from Justin in Florida. I would like it this time, although we've had some bangers of long forms to reinforce that I think the best stories that happen are the shortest ones. My dad was an accountant, says Justin in Florida, and mine was the only birthday to fall during tax season. And when I was seven, he signed my birthday card, Greg. So it said, happy birthday, love, mom, and Greg.

I called him Greg for a few months after that. He did not care for it. I, too, have a short, classic to the point, which is, oh, damn it. Is this the Nassel one? There we go. The Applebee's one. This is one of my favorites. What if those are one and the same?

This is the, this is the Applebee's. Yes. At Applebee's, dad loudly revealed he just shat himself while watching planes from the airport's observation tower. The ditches underpants in the airport bathroom. Well, I did it again! I like this because it sounds like this just happened. Like, this sounds like this just happened as the listener, Andy, was submitting it to us.

Well, I tried to touch and go landing, and I lost. This is an example of what Holly is saying about the shorter ones are often the best ones, because this submission was quite long, but edited down to just, Two tremendous sentences. Key details. I gotta be honest, if I poop my pants, I'm not going to be like, you know what I want next? Chain restaurant.

Keep it coming. Double down. Like air traffic control, it's important to maintain a constant flow of traffic through your body. Yes. Yes. Unspiced food must flow. I mean, once that happens, man,

what you're you're playing with house money you know what that's one way to look at it explain explain yourself what do you can't hey you can't shit those underpants twice that's exactly that's what I'm saying that that's a that's a darn life affirmation right there let's stitch that on a pillow can't shit your underpants twice on a throw pillow yeah can we get underpants that say that yeah can't shit these twice yeah I also like that he was that he this is pure dad behavior because he was so enthralled by the planes

at the observation tower that he was like no hold on I don't think I have to go just yet well I guess that holding pattern just became a landing all right you can change every you can change this to a four year old and the story still tracks

was got distracted watching airplanes check pooped himself check through the underwear check loudly announced it in a public place check and then wanted to go to apple bees yeah mom mom can we have apple bees apple b apple bees let's go reinforcing once again the answer to why does a dad think that an eight-year-old will keep a secret yeah he's not even i and i by the way really appreciate steering into this because there were probably weird moments of dad's taking a long time in there huh he seems kind of flushed right

No, dad just, dad just steered straight into it. I was like, kids, I'll tell you what's not flushed. Yeah. I'm going to steal one of Spencer's because it's one of my favorites. Are you stealing the Twitter one? Yes. I was about to steal the Twitter one. No, no, no, no, you steal it.

No, no, it's fine. Nope, fairs, fair, go. Okay, this is from Eric. This is my favorite. My dad has 12 Twitter accounts. Rather than hitting forgot password, he simply makes a new account. He has zero followers and only follows one account, NASA. Just keeping an eye on him.

I love that dad's created a botnet. So that's what I love is Elon Musk is all like, well, I don't know if I want to buy Twitter because who knows how many of these. No, man, these accounts are real. it's just lazy dads creating a multitude of them they're not bots they're just lazy dads you want to know what NASA's up to on one particular platform well there's actually three buckets we need to scoop up the spam the advertising bots yes the conversation sewing dissent bots and the dad bots and that and the and the NASA dads who just can't boss yeah it's great can you be can you be more

focused on the future of the human race than somebody who only follows NASA you've given up on Earth. This is the peak tag. This planet's ruined. I'm only going to hear what NASA is telling me about how I can get off this rock. This is important to me. Important enough to remember your password? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Even more important than that. I don't have time to remember my password. I need to know what NASA is up to. Hey, I know we're making fun, but this guy has landed exactly as many spaceships on Mars as Elon Musk. Yeah. See? I just, this is also like,

You don't, this is one of the few areas where you wouldn't even need a Twitter account. You just see what the NASA Twitter account? Nope, it's important. I need the alerts. I need these alerts. I need to be logged in. This is the only, this is the only defensible use of Twitter in 2022, actually. Having multiple accounts to follow NASA, nothing else, and never tweeting.

You know, I was going to say what would the, I was going to ask you guys if you could only follow one account, what would it be? But my answer really would be NASA. it's a good one if I need to know the biggest news possible about what could potentially hurt me following NASA right because at one point NASA might tweet out giant asteroid buddy

I can pretty much like there's an out for almost every single type of disaster except that so yeah probably need that I think you could get that from Magic Johnson I think Magic Johnson or the rock the problem is magic Johnson is going to tell you a week after the apocalypse has begun

That's true. You know why? Because Magic Johnson ain't going to be there. Magic Johnson reveals we're having some really bad weather lately. Wow. Steph Curry, 0 for 9 in the finals. Also, Kaiju spotted. ELE, extinction level Earl.

Did he really tweet that last night, Ryan? I don't know. You could be quoting an actual Magic Johnson tweet. He's going to tweet it next week about the game Steph Curry played last night. He needs time. I have one to read. Coming to us from Evan. When I was in third grade, I got a skateboard for my birthday.

The very next week, my parents and I were at a family friend's house for a barbecue where my dad got into the beers and thought he'd try to teach himself how to use it. He peeled off down the street, pushing hard and getting up to a pretty decent speed when a catastrophic final push sent the board flying forward while he landed flat on his back on the asphalt. The board must have cracked under his power slash half. As it snapped in half, and dad ended up on the DL with a pulled hamstring. Needless to say, I never learned how to skate. Yeah, if you leave a vehicle, if you leave a vehicle around a dad, dad, it will use it, whether he's into the beers or not.

I like the use of power slash heft because that is really the dichotomy for dads, where all heft is mistaken for fun. I guess I don't know my own strength. But it also kind of works. And both of these are mistaken for intelligence. Yes. Once a male exits adolescence, all of their body weight becomes muscle in certain situations. It doesn't become like weightlifting strength. It becomes like formidability, which could accomplish things or not.

It's like a battering ram. The battering arm has power and heft. They're just kind of the same and kind of equally useful. This goes back to becoming Stone Mario. All dads become Stone Mario, right? All dads go from kinetic energy to like ballistic energy. Yeah, no, that's actually it, yeah. This is why human cannibals were a thing back of the day.

Because dads were just like... Just throw the dads at it. Because you're defying science, you're converting kinetic energy or potential energy directly into mass. This was a line of work at one point, by the way. you could go what do you do yeah i just let him shoot me with the cannonball affair i'm fucking awesome yeah that's it they're like yeah his dad is he strong goes no but he's very solid he's very he's enormously impervious you for a resurgence of that kind of carny shit via like

content houses isn't this jackass like but like where where is the tic-tock traveling circus i guess is oh i say of dads yeah of dads dad's dad's dad's circus Well, step one, we got to get into the beers. Yeah, everybody? Step two. Stupid dad TikTok. We'll call it like Thick-Tock. Instead of taming lions, it'd just be like big dogs.

That's it. Look, these dogs love me. I can ride a horse. Have you ever before? No. I would like to read another short one here. In an attempt to follow a sea turtle, my dad flipped a sailboat with me, age seven. and my brother, age five, about a mile offshore.

We'll never forget the look of embarrassment on my dad's face, being rescued by dudes on jet skis, which as a dad who liked sailing, he naturally hated. Thank you, Devon. Good, good. I love the notion of having natural enemies. Dad learns a powerful lesson about tolerance and inclusion and the dangers of,

of looking down on others. This is a great moral lesson. Devin, I'd like to thank you for, you have conveyed all the emotion and literary meaning of the old man in the sea in much shorter form. Fucker to Semenisemingway. We don't need our Gives so much better.

Hey, Serber, let's keep the short ones rolling. Let's play Matt from Nevada, 775. Hi, full cast. I'll save the whole story for the next wedding. Astor's episode, but last week at my wedding, my Canadian cousin tried to score Blow from two guys from Sacramento in Omaha, Nebraska. And a voicemail. That's the whole thing. I like the his first instinct wasn't incorrect, though.

And I got to buy some blow. Who hears from Sacktown? You guys know what it was going to. so I'm not saying it was wrong. I would like to share the story of an important phrase, uh-oh. Oh, no. This is from Jeremy Pierce. In high school, we were coming back from the beach somewhere in South Carolina or South Georgia.

I like that these two are interchangeable because he's correct. When I heard my dad say, uh-oh, my dad was a traveling salesman, so he liked to take backroads for some reason. It's because his license was expired. He also always carried a roll of toilet. paper for moments like these we're in the middle of nowhere and he's searching for any port to storm he finds a school he needs to meet airport dad is what he needs to do in airport dad what do you let go let go and let god yeah he used to just go ahead chuck them drawers somewhere on what that's why you drive on the back roads you can just let those drawers fly all those let go and let god signs in in

kirklands about shitting yourself yes correct correct i like them so much more now that is he finds a school and decides to go behind the dumpsters. The place is deserted, so he scampers behind it. All of a sudden, we start hearing a low rumble that is going louder. I bet you did. The school is kind of hidden in a bowl with hills on all sides. I'm looking at the hill behind the dumpster when I see a gang of rough riders on dirt bikes and three-wheelers.

They about crash into each other when they see my dad pooping, and he's just waving at them like an idiot. DMX is stunned Not them I told you to stop and drop but not like that I would like you to

close shop That is not how Rough Riders roll On a Rough Riders roll On 2 ply That's right There are so many things I enjoy about this

But one The dumpsters Because he's like Well I can't find waste receptacle for human but I will approximate it by pooping as close to waste object as I can. The intent matters here

right yeah right this is the close enough for government work they will whoever discovers my shit will know what I meant right like oh well that was a thoughtful random poop the dumpster will mask my scent they'll never even know I was here

predators will not find me I have a question for Jeremy Jeremy if you're able to consult with your father How many times did he shit himself at work before he started carrying the toilet paper? Because that's not a rookie move. No, he's done this before. What taught him to carry the toilet paper with him? Additionally, a reminder that the appearance of a gang on ATVs and three-wheelers might happen at any time in America.

You could be doing anything, and it could be interrupted by Rough Riders on three-wheelers or ATVs. I'll take one. this one begins oh you know why i picked this one thank you tyler in chicago like i think all probably good disasters should at the china knife bazaar in and this was about 25 years ago oh this is peak china knife bizarre years this is peace frog china knife bizarre years my stepbrother and i were about 12 and my mom sensibly said no when i asked her if she would buy me a throwing star in the shape of a playing card. But my stepdad said yes

when his son asked if he would buy him a blowgun. So that was the beginning of the week. A blow gun. Yes. The thing that only shoots darts.

Correct. Thank you, Tyler, in Chicago. It helps you build lung capacity. I don't see the problem here. The thing that if you actually use somebody because i have seen this because i was in boy scouts and naturally in boy scouts it's when you order everything or buy everything out of the china knife bizarre style economy i.e that is when you get a giant rambo survival knives in the hands of 11 year olds who go oh it's got gunpowder

in the handle and you can light it with these matches they never get what this is actually the point of boy scouts yeah that is the point of boy scouts or a grappling hook i will tell you i don't you get a grappling hook somebody brought a grappling hook and it's a great way to find out which limbs are dead on trees because they start falling on you when your friends start wildly throwing a grappling hook they can barely heft eight feet in the air at pine trees but that is not what i was going for um the whole thing with the china knife bazaar um is that you can buy all of this crap there and at one point i did have somebody in my boy scout troop by a blowgun and it came with little darts remember at one time we sold darts to children that was just something

that Americans did and did it happily. Like, there you go. Have some fun youngster with this blow gun and these darts that fit inside it. And I saw my friend go and shoot a dart out of a blowgun at another friend of

mine and it hit him in the neck. That's what darts are supposed to go. Yeah. No, like, part of me was like, oh, you've seen movies and that's where darts go. You're actually a ninja. But here's the thing. if it's not if it's not laced with poison frog you know toxin right if it's not laden with curare it's just a tiny little dart in the side of someone's neck so the kids like

oh my god did you shoot a dart into my neck and we're like fuck yeah he did why are you asking what obvious question and i know if you wonder if you wonder why i am the way i am everyone started laughing hysterically. Not like, I have a dart in my neck, but like, oh, dude, you just did it.

I never really thought about this, and the neck is a, the neck is a fairly, like, large target as areas on the human body go. But, man,

how many, like stunt men over the years, do you think got caught darts in the ear? God damn it. Suck, man. Think about the scoutmaster, though,

who has to walk in. I was just thinking about how a dart in the neck wouldn't really hurt that bad. And then I was, like oh god your ear cartilage is all right there like five or six people saw this before we patched the dude up and the scoutmaster you can tell was kind of like well one i can't believe you guys actually did this and two that is so cool that you actually did this let's play a voicemail michael in lexington 859 good morning forecast uh michael in lexington

with a dad disaster. We took a family trip when I was 10 years old to Disney World, my mom, dad, myself, and my sister. A seven-day trip. On the third day, we went to the water park. And my dad did a great job of sunscreening up with the exception of the tops of his feet. The next day, we woke up,

and my dad had second-degree burns on the tops of his feet. They were so burnt that he could barely walk, much less put on shoes. So for the rest of the trip, my dad stayed on the couch in the hotel room while my mom and sister and I went to the various parks. Now that I have gotten older, and I have a family and a son, and we've all gone to Disney World, I honestly think, and I've never asked him, but I think I'm going to, did he sacrifice the tops of his feet in order to get a couple of days? of just sitting on the couch with no one around. Yeah. Because I got to say, I mean, I don't blame him if he did.

I mean, three days on a couch watching TV with no one with the wife and kids gone while my mom stands in various lines for hours at a time at the parks in Disney World, that's not bad. I mean, that's kind of a decent tradeoff, right? it's just diarrhea is so much easier to fake you know in a hotel room sure all right you're going to dump in water in the toilet

once they get suspicious like who's who's coming in there to be like way wait wait wait I want a little CSI's going to investigate here this so called diarrhea if it's day three on a Disney trip I might be going in that bathroom being like show your work yeah I think I think, yeah, this feels like the sort of trip where if someone says, oh, I have an illness, then it's, oh, how sad. Are you sure you can't go with us? Yeah, I'm real sick. Oh, that's too bad. I really wish you could. No, I'm, oh, it's awful. And everyone believes you because who would make up a lie that would get you out of having to go to Disney? And, I mean, I sure would. But.

So I think the design itself gives the dad too much. much credit because I think one of the truest episodes about fatherhood of television I've ever seen was Bob's Berger's where he becomes trapped in the walls when his in-laws are in town and then just decides to nap and stay there because it's quiet. He's like, yeah, I'm trapped. Hold on. And just he won't come out because it's so nice in there. A man from Kentucky going with no sunscreen on his feet in open-toed shoes to Disney World makes total sense to me. but then realizing the boon he has been handed by the universe also makes sense to me because I think on day two he really began to go hey you know these little soaps look like

Mickey here in the hotel room that's cute hey they got ESPN they got this button brings pizza to the room yeah that's what was happening that feels emotionally true if not funny yeah the best part is so because he had so adequately sunscreened everything else he must look like he was one of the Santa's fucking elves or something. Yes, what? So if this dad did actually want to go back to the parks, we

heard the solution last week, which is the modified air monarchs. Oh, wow. Beach shoes! He could have simply slipped those over his past his wound, sunscrined up the part that was falling off of his bones, and then stood in line

for 11 hours. As usual, the problem here is insufficient application of South Carolina. Mom, by the way, scoping every single light pair of dad feet the rest of that day going, well, his feet look awfully pink. He's soldiering through

and spending time with his family. Yeah, we're y'all not stand at a hotel with a pool because that's what would have happened at our house. Exactly. Why don't you put your feet in the pool, honey? Cool them off and then get back to work. Just chuck a bottle of aloe. I'm not taking these kids dizzy by my fucking self. Are you kidding me?

No, that's, yeah. Just stomping on his feet. Get moving! This is $242 a night. My brother punched a wall in our hotel room at Disney one time, and that didn't stop shit. Nothing can stop it. Yeah, that is the part that makes me doubt that this is intentional, because no dad would be like, I've already shelled out this money, and now I will go on the disabled list just to watch TV.

Like, no. But as a dad, you would, I could see a way where it would feel worth it to him to get that piece and quiet. You would think so. That would be worth a cost. But then remember, Recombat Bike Dad. Recombat Bike Dad could have just said, this is some cost. Let's have a nice trip to Germany where towns aren't staring at us. I think the difference.

Yeah, I guess this depends on dad type. The difference is Recombat Bike Dad thought that shit was awesome. Spending time with my son, getting the boy in shape. Look at all the. The locals impressed by us. American ingenuity. Just like... Look at these lazy Germans

sitting around having picnics, watching American muscle roar past. Look at this reclining idiot with his celibate son. Try to get him to see the world of sexuality by putting him outdoors, getting him fit. Finally got the boy doing something besides playing. is PlayStation. We're having a great time. Me and my son. Hello, I am from Deutsche TV. We would like to interview your sexless son.

Your son who will never hit. Hold on. Hold on. I'm sexless, too. Why don't you interview both of us? Jesus Christ. Hey, I got another voicemail in here that just says Pastor versus Hornets in all caps. Yep. Serber. Do you want to play 8-5-9? dad disaster time so when I was about five or six in rural North Carolina my dad may he rest in peace who was a good man and he tried hard and he was the pastor of a

small rural church in North Carolina and when you're the pastor of rural churches like that you tend to do pretty much everything because there was nobody else to do it except him no secretary very little janitorial services all that fun stuff and so one day on the search property, there was a massive hornet nest. I'm talking the size of, like, a big green egg hornet's nest, hanging down over where some of the kids' place. And so dad got the idea that he was going to, quote, unquote, take care of it. And the way he took care of it was he took me and my older brother.

Mom was at work when this happened, mind you. And he took his car, rammed it into the bee's nest. That's how big it was. It was heavy enough to weigh a branch down. ran it into the bees nest, and there were thousands of bees swarming everywhere. And dad said, quote, I'm glad we had the windows rolled up, unquote. And my older brother said, Dad, what are we going to do now? He said, we're going to drive really fast down the road to get all the bees off.

And we proceeded to go about 80 down this two-lane road back and forth in rural North Carolina, and it didn't work. And we said, Dad, what are we going to do now? And dad said, I've got it under control. And so we proceeded to go to a car wash that was not a driving car wash. I knew it. I saw it do it. Car wash is to have like a big spray gun. He frantically got out, told us to stay in the car, threw change into the machine, and power wash the bees nest off,

leaving the carcass of a bees nest with still thousands of angry bees flying around it for the next patron of that car wash. And as we drove home, Dad triumphantly looked out the window and said, I told you. take care of that nature. God, Dad's just, dad's just hate pests.

Dad just hate pests with a fiery passion. Snakes, bugs, critters of all sorts. I'm going, thank God I got this King Ratch F-150 lifted.

So that this and the power of Jesus Christ could ram these bees, these damned hornets out of my life. This sounds like a celica. This sounds like, This sounds like something that was a little bit more than that engine could chew. I hope this was mom's car.

I hope this was mom's car. Hey, honey, we washed your car. I was picturing small car the entire time. I'm not sure why. Well, because he mentioned that it had to weigh a branch down to where it was hovering a car length. When I was listening to this the first time, I thought, well, you can tell this is a past. This is a man of God because he made his kids stay in the car and not get out and help beat the beat the beat. he's off the...

You punch those bees. And then I got to the part where he just left the carcass of the harness nest. Well, that's somebody else's bird. Free bees nest with car wash.

Listen, God has a planet. It's mysterious enough that it somehow includes me hitting a wasp nest with my car and leaving it at a gas station. Yeah, it sounds like some shit where...

What's the guidance here? It sounds like some shit where pastors is just assuming the next person who uses the stall of the car wash is going to come upon the bees' nest and think, a sign. This is like a parable Jesus

hasn't thought all the way through. This is one he's really freestyling and spitballing, and like, this is the one where the disciples are like, I don't get it, boss. And he's like, fine, me neither. The rich man is the Hornets. That's what it is.

That's a really good way to just, if you want to, if there's anything in the gospel, you don't understand, just assume it's about how rich people suck and you're probably right. Thou shalt not have hornets of great abundance without a high-speed backroads chase to the car wash of Atonement. This is the one where the disciples were like,

I don't think Jesus ate lunch today. Just like those hornets, God will power wash away your sins. Leave them for someone else to pick up. Jesus, it runs the car wash. That's who does it. I would like to share a story, another hurricane story, because nothing beats extreme weather plus dads.

There's no height or weight cited on this father. Yes, this is from Chris Marciano. Hurricane Bertha 96. Our old StarCraft pop-up camper promptly turned into a parasail once the winds ramped up. Nothing like waking up to the entire camper airborne of being suspended mid-air in your sleeping bag because your dad, and I quote, paid good money to camp here, unquote. That is the relatable kind of dad. Even though at that point you're camping above here.

Yeah. Closer to the stars. Can't see stars at home, can you? You said you wanted to fly here. Well. All right, I would like to take one. Let's do this one from Kevin. New Year's Eve, early 1980s, Colorado.

Dad had some, this is an important phrase, perfectly good sparklers that had been in the garage since 4th of July. Oh, brother. Dad found it annoying to light the sparklers one at a time because one would go out as soon as he got the next one lit. So dad held them all in a bunch and lit the entire bundle. I was four or five at the time, and my only clear memory of the night is dad's hand and arm instantly

igniting because apparently the month's old sparklers had deteriorated so his hand and arm were covered with sparkler dust or possibly just black powder. Thankfully there was a snowbank right there and he was able to shove his flaming hand into it. He was wearing gloves in a coat but he still had to spend the night

in the ER. Happy New Year! When he said, oh, those are made of black powder, no, that's not black powder. What that is is, is magnesium yeah that's magnesium that's the stuff they make flash paper out of yeah that's the stuff all over your arm when you light a bunch of old sparklers i've done this and that old sparkler dust will like turn your hand into bake it fast but it burns very very hot so i we got a lot of fireworks submissions in this in this call i i am very partial to sparklers disasters because sparklers are like

the okay, this is safe for almost anybody firework. This is the one that doesn't explode and doesn't go shooting off somewhere. To have a sparkler disaster really requires a commitment to dumbassery that I think needs to be celebrated and acknowledged. Like anybody can fuck shit up with a Roman candle or a bunch of bottle rockets. But if you ruined your New Year's Eve because you were impatient with sparklers, like, chef's kiss

to you. That's great, dad. Yeah, sparklers, by the way, like, low-key, extremely intense firework for what it is. It burns at 1,800 degrees. Because, again, it's magnesium. Magnesium was the thing that that car, the Lamont disaster, was made of, which is why it started burning and incinerating, like, to dust in mid-air. Yeah. This is good because this is going to come out just long enough before 4th of July

that nobody will take any of this advice when it's fireworks. No, none. I have three boxes of fireworks on my kitchen table right now that are labeled live, laugh, love. No, they came like that. I didn't label them. Ryan, can I make a request? Yeah, please. I just wanted, there's one quick shorty right after that is labeled you that has one of my favorite dumbass dad moments from this entire caper.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. Okay, this is from Susan. Holly, I'm going to need your help here because I don't, my friend, I think you're friends. I think your French is going to be better than mine. My dad kept blazing past stop signs in Montreal until I had to tell him what A-R-R-R-E-T pronounced. What are we saying that is? So the full form of the verb you're looking for here is Arate, which means to stop. Uh-huh, yep.

Okay. I had to tell him what that meant in English. I was a week away from turning 11, and I have never taken a French class. Now, this is the important thing, and I would encourage any listener to pause the podcast. and go ahead and Google image this. Just put up R-A-R-R-E-T sign and just put in Quebec. And it will immediately pop up. There we go.

Truly, truly an inscrutable, an inscrutable piece of roadside. I know that Quebec has recently taken steps to fortify and remove stuff. Right, right. But in some parts, look in the chat. I've pasted it. In some parts of Canada, you even have. signs that look like this. Yes. Yes. That say stop beneath where it says,

this is this is the most stop signy sign you could possibly have so much so that if it meant anything else other than stop you could successfully sue for fraud. So for a dad to be like well we're in Canada and I don't speak the language therefore this must not be a stop sign is just, oh my God. Because what are you telling the cop at that point i don't speak french the only way it could be do you speak shapes do you speak red octagon i'm shaped blind i have i have octagon blindness i'm married a tourist for a woman all polygons look the same to me i have a natural fear of rectangles you could not be clear in this like as a french

stop sign unless it said la stop like this is this is the kind of thing that you would use in loony tunes and even wild coyote would understand this means stop fuck um let's take uh another instructions related moment and play uh Jake from Knoxville 843 forecast Jake in Knoxville Holly just for you my dad played at Tennessee learn any life skills. Got custody me when I was eight.

Didn't know how to be a father. I got sick one day. NyQuil. He thought NyQuil was the answer to everything. And in his mind, because Tennessee taught him that more practice

equals more better football, or NyQuil equals more better meat. All right, I'm eight. Maybe nine. he gives me a half bottle of nightbill thinking well if i give him me medicine he'll get better faster i swear to you that's how it works in video games 23 and a half straight hours i am 31 and i still remember that i hallucinated that night

he had to shake me to make sure i to make sure i was still breathing from that going on and i'm telling you i was nine I dose my own medicine. I still don't let anybody take my medicine. Look at it. Tell me what dose I need, except the doctor. Anyway, I love the show. Right now, I'm staring at everybody's favorite wig storage container.

Peace. So I have a couple things here. The bottom? Yeah, sure, sure. Most, look, I'm not saying. that the apple fell down right next to the trunk of this tree, but the degree to which Jake here is proud of not letting anyone but a doctor tell him what kind of medicine to take. You know, you know what, never mind. Now that I've said it out loud in today's society, thank you for not taking medical advice

from a podcast. Yeah. Yep. Good call. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Jake. Good call.

The bottle comes with a cap. Uh-huh. And the cap has different measurements on it. and none of those measurements is half a bottle nope dad's really lack in in using context clues

their advantage sometimes this is you know what I bet that dad at one point pulling pulling out like that red plastic cup you get at like a pizza parlor filling it with ice and being like yeah it looks right that looks like a child servant

of NyQuil right there here you go slugger I bet this at one point this father was in the military because it is an odd uncommon military solution for any illness to just drink an entire bottle of NyQuil and go to bed until you feel better like don't tell anybody don't go to the infirmary don't put it on the record just drink a whole bottle of NyQuil and it'll cure what ails you or you will be too sleepy to be roused and thus medically ruled out

from whatever is happening the next day. So in my house, this was vapor rub and ginger ale. Did you guys have anything that was just applied as medicine to everything? Try a minik. Oh, God, try a minute. Yeah, try a minic. Tri-a-minic was what my parents gave us to make sure you're really sick because that shit tastes is so nasty. I think we got saltines and sprite was our routine.

Yeah, saltines are medicine. Yeah, we got tri-a-minic. We got... I definitely remember having vapor rub put on cut. I do I do, how Listen, that means it's medicine I do remember though

I remember thinking when I was hearing this I was like he probably looked at a kid Like a little kid and goes That's about half a troop Right That's half a troop In my house so I'll just give it Half a Troops dose

At what At what hour are you saying like Oh fuck I have to take this kid to the hospital Because he won't fucking wake up Because let's talk about shaking as a mechanism for making sure there's breathing uh yeah yeah i think i think at that point he'd realized he had done something very very stupid i have you know when you give medication to a kid it's a terrifying thing even if you have a measurement yes because you're constantly thinking

what if i give this kid one ounce too much and they explode yep the good news is for the most part medicine's not made like that because yeah the companies know that we're like this thanks NyQuil you can trust big pharma that's the shut down full cast promise trust big pharma I'm going to share Josh's story he includes go gators and I heartily endorsed that given the subject matter here I was about 10 years old and sitting on the couch watching TV all of a sudden I had an intense coughing fit from the other room I heard my mom yell I can't breathe my dad had decided he needed to test the effective range of the bear spray he bought for our upcoming

trip to Yellowstone. He sprayed it at the backyard at what he believed was a safe distance from the house. But we learned that day that no such thing exists. Just out there. Just erred it out.

How do you test bear spray without a bear? Like, I don't understand what happened here at all. I think we just found out, Ryan. You just uncork in your backyard and see who starts choking. Like, was he just making sure

that it would come out of the can? I guess, yes. guess that must be it. Right. Yeah, which means that he had taken the safety ring out and was then going to put it back into a bag to transport in some kind of closed transportation. That's right? Some sort of closed circuit transportation.

I don't know what they say about aerosol cans full of air spray. I'm imagining specifically it's pretty bad. I'm going to go ahead and predict that this is a road trip. with a partially opened can of bear spray, yeah. So actually, I think this is probably given this dad's approach to safety, this was probably the best possible outcome because then it was only wafting in from the outside as opposed to what was eventually going to happen,

which is going off in the family truckster while they were on the way out to Yellowstone and incapacitating the entire family while they were at speed. Well, I rolled down the windows. Why are you yelling? I've done worse after a couple of crystals, honey. Nowhere on the can, does it say, do not open in car. Says it right there, actually.

Well, I didn't see that. It's so small. Hey, Ryan, can I make a request from you? Yes, please. Can you steal one more from Spencer? Because there's, there's Nick here at line 21 in the Google Doc, sent in something that I believe he meant to send in to Hand in the Dirt, our sister show, uh, via,

via cousin server here, but I would really like to hear this, this one here in your, in your timber. This is one that I really, Nick, this speaks to me in a really, like, I am trying to figure out what the fuck to do kind of way, so I get it. Nick says, my two-year-old started a sleep regression, fresh hell, and a fresh round of anxiety disorder as well, as my wife went on a three-day business trip. On night one, she refused to let me close the blind so she could stare out at our sidewalk and how to try to will her mother home.

This was after my wife FaceTime to prove she was in a hotel room 1,600 miles away. Pro tip, don't face time your small children while you're away. Like, it doesn't help. It actually makes it worse, just like out of sight, out of mind. Desperate, I asked my daughter if she wanted to watch a loop of a guy making brisket on an Instagram account recommended by Felder on hand in the dirt.

I don't know, and Server, maybe you can help me on here. I'm assuming Felder did not recommend this. as, hey, here's a fun thing for your kids, but maybe he did. No, he would have said, like, Jaws or Jurassic Park for a two-year-old would be good. Sure, sure, because he's an awesome dad. She agreed, and she fell asleep happily. My daughter now refuses to go to sleep without watching charitably 30 minutes to an hour of outdoor cooking videos, sometimes calling for me to watch them with her in the middle of the night.

My wife has declined to participate in this bedtime activity. The other night, despite being on little kid melatonin, my daughter kept waking up sleepily yell for poor man's burnt ends. And once, baby needs to grill. This is what we, listen, when we say ladies is uncles too, here is an uncle in the making in the form of your daughter. Baby needs to grow! He needs to grill! I think the perfect cap to this would be, and Nick, I hope this is true, if this child doesn't even like to eat barbecue meat, it's like, oh, disgusting, I just want mac and cheese.

Ryan, I thought of this because what was the, what was the barefoot Contessa episode that was the only thing your daughter would watch for a while to take a nap? It was a dessert episode that included prunes and arminac. There we go. A dessert, no child would actually want. But, yeah, she loved it. Okay, we got a couple more voicemails. Serber, this one is short and a little confusing,

but 828 we wanted to include here because it sounds like a listener called in with a disaster in progress. So while listening to the return of the forecast day, I have been taking a BB gun to a hornet's nest that's at the peak of the second in the top of my house anyway, second floor. And, but that's fun.

You've got to be quick on your feet, though, because they can be dive bomber so far. I'm untouched and have perforated a hornet's nest. but we're going to keep going. Thank you. So we didn't have a follow-up message from this. We don't have a name. RIP.

Matt in 828, just check back in when you get a minute. Let us know you're all right. Or not. Or not, yeah. If you are a relative of Matt's, an update, that would be nice. I'm going to take us out with this. And it involves my favorite thing, which is my dad seeing an absurd idea and deciding he needed a bigger version of that absurd idea.

This is from Brett, and, yeah, you'll see. After seeing an air cannon made of PVC pipes and valves at the engineering open house of his alma mater, Go state! My dad, himself an engineer, decided he could build a similar, and I'm sure in his mind better, air cannon himself. So the next day, we went to Home Depot

and got all the necessary pipes and valves. and came back home and proceeded to build a larger version of the cannon that we saw yesterday. That larger is in all caps with two asterisk on the side. I assume that means by several exponential degrees of larger. Fortunately for everyone involved, Dad had the good foresight right before we were about to take it out for its maiden firing to take it outside and test it first and make sure everything was working properly. He told me to stay inside the garage and tied a cord to the trigger. so he could be standing five to six feet away when he fired it. He later said he did this because, and I quote,

I thought to myself, what would they do on MythBusters? He pulls the cord and the whole thing blows up, sending a shower of various sized PVC shards into the air through the yard. Notable pieces included the six inch by three foot long air chamber that landed on the roof of the shop 10 feet away and the one inch by one inch piece of PVC that lodged in his, forearm that by some miracle didn't need stitches and that he was able to

remove himself. That's no miracle. He probably needed stitches. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just didn't do it. Yeah. It turns out that we'd overlooked what type of PVC we had selected instead of getting pressure rated PVC. Instead, we had built the whole cannon out of plumbing PVC, which it turns out can't handle the pressure

that we've loaded us. You know, we're all learning things. Some of us the hard way. So instead of a cannon, my dad had accidentally built a PVC pipe bomb. Thank you, Brett. I'm going to steal one more from you. Okay. Before we play our final voicemail here.

Because it's got, it's got just a beautiful kicker. It's got all of our favorite animals. It's got pyrotechnics, animals, yards, dads. From Jacob. When I was younger, eight or nine, our backyard had a problem with moles. My dad decided smoke bombs were the best method of pest removal. Only in true dad fashion the instructions were outright ignored. The key mistakes were underestimating the number of openings we should block up in their vast tunnel network,

and overestimating the number of smoke bombs needed to be lit. This resulted in smoke billowing out of 20 different holes in a half-acre yard. The fire department came and the moles survived. Oh, I should mention my dad is a firefighter. but not a smoke fighter yeah not a mole fighter no not a mole fighter he's not animal control here I don't see any problems

that moment more than any other is where I want to walk up and be the stereotypical neighbor with my thumbs and my belt loops and be like hey what you got going on Frank once again I'm imagining the mom and she's like hey honey here's my friends from work I'm getting I need the big promotion We need to impress the boss

Yard full of smoking hell All right We're going to take us out on a gentle note Serber could you play Sean from Somerville 716 for our Final thoughts today Hey all This is Sean Colin from beautiful

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