Shutdown Fullcast - DAD DISASTERS PART I

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

A new era of talkin' bout the Noles dawns For new listeners: What IS a Fullcast Disaster? Introducing Dad A and Dad B, our new national champions of self-inflicted wildlife injuries Contains spoilers for Splash Mountain, the ride Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We have a lot of snake lore already. There's a lot of snakes in the show. Can I say that two dudes, two dudes firing handguns randomly at each other at a snake? That is my America. It is the most. I didn't say it was good. It is the most falling out shit I've ever heard in real life. Two dying men being like, I got a solution.

I'm like, that's 2022, baby. It's also like, Dad B is arguably the stupider actor here because Dad A is fucked up from the beginning and is just sort of spiraling off the bad. is dad be a sensibly showed up to help what the fuck man they both go back for seconds can you imagine

what kind of raw uncontrolled idiot behavior the American pioneers displayed in the face of wildlife got somebody who probably got bitten by a bear and the bear was like sure the human got the point and they're probably

yeah come out yeah oh now man God I hope snakes can talk to each other This snake tells the story every day. Y'all aren't going to believe this shit. And that's how I lost my... As the snake is making a stub puppet

for its little snake children with the end of its tail, and that's how I lost my rattle. That's how Durt Eaton Winslow died in the hills. I would assume rattlesnakes think of their tails as, like, restrictor plates. Like, you know, I'm like... Oh, now I'm even more dangerous now.

Safety's off. Stealth mode. They shouldn't have let me go outside without my tails. Stealth mode! I got I got to lay here and say the word rattle. Rattle. Rattle. welcome to the shutdown full cast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast today today is a special day i am spencer hall i am joined as always by holly anderson

Jason Kirk and Ryan Nanny and our producer Michael Serber. We are going to get right into it. This is a dad disaster's episode and to set the tone to give you a template for the kind of paternal madness we want to describe, share, and celebrate today. Ryan Nanny, start us off with a parenting disaster. Well, this is not just a college football podcast, but the Internet's only college football podcast. And so it seems only appropriate that we regale our listeners with the tale of Jeff Bowden. Yeah.

For the state offensive coordinator, for those who, if you are relatively new to college football, or if you are a listener of a certain youthfulness, you may not be aware that for like, I don't know, 15, 20 years, Florida State was just an unstoppable machine, just year in, year out, ungodly good. We're talking a 14-year streak of winning double-digit games, which was very impressive because most of these seasons, they only played 11 games or in the regular season. So it's like consistently in, I would say, the top five in the conversation for playing for the national championship in the first nine years that they were in the ACC Florida State only lost two conference games which is fucking bonkers um can I think by the way I think I could remember what two they were go for it yeah I think I don't know no I think they lost one

one was the NC state one was the NC state game for sure yeah one that was it one was Virginia so yeah yeah yeah yeah which like I don't remember remember anything, but I remember those because they only lost twice. Yeah. Also because they were hilarious. They were funny. The offensive coordinator for a lot of this successful streak was one Mark Richt,

who turned his success into the Georgia job, which he took at the end of the 2000s season. In his time as offensive coordinator, FSU always averaged at least 30 points a game. These are dumb stats, but sorry, this is old time. There's only dumb

stats from this time. And frequently they were averaging like 36, 40 points per game. They were just, just ungodly. But in Mark Rick's last game at Florida State, Spencer, do you know this one? What was the last game where he was the play caller for the Nulls? The last game where Mark Rick was the play caller was the 1999 national or yeah, 1999 national championship game against Oklahoma. I was at this game. Yes, where in an upset Oklahoma limited the explosive Florida State offense to how many points? DOS. DOS, limited them to points off of safety.

Which is where we get the classic soccer chant dos a trese. See. So I think the football guides knew what was coming here because this is where we... This is actually why they call soccer football. Yeah, it was that game. This is where enters Jeff Bowden. Um, interestingly, you know, obviously Bobby Bowden has sons all over the game, but his other boys didn't spend a lot of time at Florida State. They would like come in and maybe do a grad year,

like a year as a position coach, but Terry and Tommy mostly had their success built other places, not Jeff. Jeff has spent a lot of time under Daddy or brothers wings. And so he steps into what is at the time one of the greatest offensive machines in college football. What happens year one? They go eight and four with two ACC losses in that year alone. They lose to unranked UNC 41 to 9 where they have 224 yards of offense. They lose to Florida 37 to 13 where they average 3.4 yards per play and that loss drops Florida State out of the top 25 for the first time since 1989, but it's one year. Maybe it's just a blip. Maybe we're still getting used to things. Nope, 2002. Lose NC State 177 with 177 yards of offense. 2003, in a 2610 loss to his brother

Tommy and Clemson, Florida State has 11 rushing yards on 17 attempts and doesn't score a touchdown until there's two minutes left in the game. Also, unless we forget, this is not the Clemson that you know, this is bitch mentality, Eric Clemson. Tommy Bowden was not great. This is, we have Clemson at home, Clemson. Tommy Bowden pioneered for those of us in the early OTS Internet era, the sad, the sad field goal. The field goal for, or the punt from field goal range. Tommy Bowden is the reason I love bright eyes.

I forgot. Sometimes I forget we had a Clemson fan on the call because you're so nice and normal. also note we have multiple overlapping bowdens here yes correct yes uh all right this is also from 2003 this is chris rick's stat line from an orange bowl loss the game not the stadium to miami six of 19 for 96 yards one touchdown and one pick the very next year they open the season against Miami again in South Florida again how many yards of offense 165 2.6 yards per play the only fSU touchdown was a fumble return and they lost 1610 in 2004 Florida State will play five games where they don't crack 20 points including the 2013 loss to Florida at home which ruined what

Spencer um that ruined did they have a home winning streak no at that point this was the night where they were dedicating the field oh yeah oh my god yeah and they lost that's why it's rodzook that's why it's rodzook field they lost to ron zuck's florida team 20 to 13 a fired it a fired rod zook correct correct um this is we have now covered the first four years of jeff bowden he's not done in 2005 they managed to beat miami in the opener 10 to 7, despite only gaining 170 yards of offense and nine first downs. In November of 2005, Florida State plays three games. They score 36 points total, and they go 0 and 3 against NC State Clemson and Florida, only one of whom is ranked at the time. That brings us to the thing you all know

and love, the home shut out against Wake Forest. The first time Florida State has been shut out in Bobby Bounds, to that point, 31 years, all because of his idiot son. We know that it's a shutout, but I went into the box score to look at exactly what happened here in the play-by-play. Here are again, because that's all we do on this program. True facts. One drive in the first half went into Wake Forest territory, and by the half, they were down 20 to zero.

For the rest of the game, Florida State never got past the Wake 46. this is the team passing line nine of 28 for 141 yards and four picks this is the team rushing line 26 yards on 23 attempts and they didn't convert a third down until the fourth quarter so all because bobby bowden loved jeff so goddamn much florida state goes from absolute offense powerhouse to, in his last three seasons, Jeff Bowden has dragged them down to 25.2, 28.9, and 26.5 points per game in his final three seasons. Now, you may be saying,

hey, there's lots of nepotism in college football. Jeff Bowden is not the only unqualified dupist who got a job because his daddy was so-and-so. That's the thing, though. He's qualified as shit. he's just bad he is yeah he was qualified to be hired that's that's yeah um he's certainly he certainly lasted long but you might be saying like you know why aren't we why are we focusing on florida state is this just the forecast cowtowing to its new miami overlords and the answer is yes absolutely

this is a present to them i'm throwing up to you right now i'm throwing up the you right now The thing that I love about Jeffie's long and winding tenure is that it has and it follows quality to it as well because don't forget, after Bobby was retired, this is apocryful, but I have it on good authority that on at least one of Terry's subsequent head coaching stops where Jeffie followed him as offensive coordinator, he followed him at the direct behest of Bobby and that all he would do in these games or in these stops is just like, I heard this from. so many people that I feel like it can't be anything but true that he never did anything but play Xbox. I can't hate on that. That's like the ultimate little brothering

to be paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to just sit on your ass and play call of duty ostensibly with recruits, but sometimes not. Maybe not. Maybe not. Anquan Bolden was on some of these Florida State teams. You had Anquan fucking Bowledon

and you're only putting up 15 points. Do you know how you keep Anquam Bolden as an offensive coordinator from getting the ball? That's a kind of talent. My favorite part about the Wake Forest shutout is that Jeff, Jeff resigned a few days after it. Bobby and Kids, this is not the wake you know now. This is not the dominant Wake Forest of our current age. Or whatever you're listening to this. It's still so weird.

A juggernaut. A perpetual top five wake is still a thing, certainly. Jesus Christ. Although, prove to me, Sam Hart, was not the quarterback. Can't do it. Fair with hard. It's just been

10 different versions of that guy. Yep. Riley Skinner just keeps molting and changing his job. Skinning. Skinning. Skinning. Thank you.

Also, it was only now that I realized this podcast has two Florida fans, a Clemson fan, and is funded by Miami fans. If you thought we talked about the Knowles before. And I guess

I guess Jason and I are included because we just love crimes so uh i mean i i was an a fan of a rival ac c team in the 1990s so i'll get in on this i mean jason as the sandman you fit naturally into this collective yeah that voice always makes me nervous because i'm like oh fuck what's it supposed to sound like because i value consistency our our chief channeler of panhandle country music which i think is important to the florida state experience yeah the fight song. I'm sure they have a, they have a non-racist fight song about Daisy Dukes, I'm sure of it. Who's our resident smoker? That automatically makes you closer.

Actually, I just remember my first girlfriend dumped me because one of the reasons was she didn't think I had a viable career path, whereas her goal was to go to Florida State to become a meteorologist. So there's a version of my life story where I'm too stupid for Florida State. I'll show you, Florida State. What grade was this? This was senior year. Oh, okay. He bona fide.

It wasn't like fifth grade or anything, and she's like, you know, got her heart. Okay, so this was a nearly grown woman who, okay. Man, senior year. Yeah, it worked out. She's an oil, she's an oil exec now, so worked out for her. I bet she has a lot of different thoughts about weather patterns, as it turns out. Yeah. Actually, actually, weather is fake.

There's never been weather. Yeah. The earth's getting colder. Yeah, you have to go back to the ice age, really, because there's been a lot of them. There's another one any day now. Fracking is pretty good. Yeah.

There's a reason it's a permissible cuss. Fracking's just like when you help a baby fart. That's all it is. Oh, frack. The nutrients and oil and gas make all of those babies in Louisiana super huge and good at football. Nutrients Mm-hmm

Well, yeah, oil is moisture. Have you seen the documentary Hulk? Angley's Hulk? Mm-hmm. Same thing. Exact same thing. You're welcome. Now, that's a dad disaster right there.

The Incredible Hulk is a dad disaster. It really is. Oh, my God. Comic books are littered with dad disasters. Yeah, that's true. It's true. There's always a bad dad somewhere. Somewhere of the Marvel universe.

The dad getting killed. The dad's planet blowing up. Like, Thanos is a dad disaster. Like, yeah, endless. Dad disasters. Thomas Wayne. That guy should have kept his head on a swivel for one thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Look a lot. It's called Look Alive for a reason. You know who's not looking alive? You and Martha. Yeah. Scoreboard.

Wow. Yeah. See, if the Detroit self-defense guy had been, the urban defense guy had been in the Batman universe. over. He would have simply grabbed the wrist, taken the gun out, turned it around. We'd never have Batman. I think this brings up an important point, though. As soon as we returned the show, the first thing we wanted to do was do one of our beloved disaster episodes. And we asked you guys to submit via a number of mediums. We have our Twitter account at Shutdown Fullcast without

the T at the end. As a nemonic advice, you may remember, we don't talk about Tennessee football on this show. Or that we all have low testosterone, especially me. You may email us at shutdown fullcast at gmail.com or you may call us at 704 soul cast. Hail to Ra the Sun God. That's 704 S-O-L-C-A-S-T. Thomas Wayne brings up a good point of disastrous dads. We probably should have given you this tip ahead of time, but we've said it before. Let's say it again in this new era. The funniest dad disasters, we promise you, are the shortest one. Or the ones that can be boiled down to one sentence or less. We probably should have mentioned this before we called for disasters because a lot of you are new.

But again, most of these are going to be shorter and the shorter ones are always funnier. Or can be boiled down to, here's a couple of phrases from my notes, Dad Hero Pontoon Keys or RIP Grain Solo mailbox. It also helps if you have a, like a punchy opening. If you're like, dad had a perfectly good bundle of sparklers. It's like, I'm in. Oh, boy. Let's see where this goes.

We have one coming up where a guy gives his dad H1N1, and that's not the disaster. It just sets the stage for everything else that comes last year. Also, by the way, it's not a disaster if you're just being a shitty person. Yeah. That one dude from, where was he from? That one Nebraska dude who wrote in who was like, hey, my wife thinks it's a disaster that I got home before she did and couldn't remember if the babysitter says. the baby had eaten or pooped or not and I just want to and I we're kind of listening and he's like I just wanted to let everybody know in case they're thinking about getting married that that's coming down

the pike and I'm like you you you certainly sound like a dad disaster in the making. Hey this is this is this is square one marital counseling some people need it. Oh boy. Last thing two more notes before we get into this. Thank you to everyone who called to inform us that they wore their garth hierarchy of need shirts to the Garth Brooks tour that is happening right now. I think it just went through Birmingham. We have multiple voicemails about that. We appreciate

all of you. Last thing, I know we all have broken business brain. Guys, you don't have to email us to tell us that you texted us a story or you don't have to tweet it us to tell us that you left a voicemail. We're not moms. See, I like it because it is I promise we got the emails.

It's very maternal, which I appreciate. Text me when you get the email. Just wanted to circle back and touch base on that text I sent you about It gives me circling back flinches. My mom texts me to let me know that she Venmo's me. And I'm like, they're on the same. What are you doing?

Well. Awesome. Anyway, so those are just some pro tips for inclusion. If you can boil your story down to a sentence, that's probably the funniest part. There will be a couple of exceptions in here, but they are notable. Hey, man, let's roll. Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, shit, timeout podcast business? Oh, we do a little bit of a podcast business, podcast business, what's that business? Podcast business, podcast business, the dead business, we're watching dads fail. That's what the theme of the episode today. That's all we're done. Okay. Oh, God. He just gets better.

Every time. Every time. It's more. Cleaner. There's more of it. Every time. Bigger than before. Off the top of the dome every time.

That's right. Yep. Yeah. Bang. I want to go ahead. and say that podcast business is where we promote where you can find and support all of the work that everybody here does.

Explaining the plot. Listen, very important for those who might be listening for the first time. Holly and I run a newsletter called Channel 6. Channel 6 has a solemn promise. That is two things a week for $10 a month. It is wonderful. We have, among other things coming up,

a science contribution about butts and boxing. I mean, you tweeted about it. Let's go ahead and tell people what you're researching. Yeah, I'm researching how I'm researching the physics of knocking someone out by punching them in the ass. That's what I'm doing right now. For money. This is where your money is going. If you want to contribute to this valuable research as well as eventually receive our in-season emails about college football and everything else we write about, that is correct.

Channel 6, $10 a month for two things a week. And working in the less corporeal plane, we also have. Jason Kirk. Yeah, my thing to promote this time around is just my pinned tweet. I have written a novel that is sort of the start of a fictional universe kind of thing. The first one up is a way a coming of age thing. Then there's like thrillers and horrors and sci-fi type stuff that I would like to get to. I am seeking a literary agent.

I tweeted about it and, you know, likes and replies and that kind of stuff. pretty helpful in terms of like showing that people are interested in spreading the word and so forth this is probably the only time i will bug you the podcast reader about this until any of this is available for purchase so uh yeah just take a look at my pin tweet and i'd greatly appreciate it i've read the book sorry it's good it is good i'm just capitalizing on being first i never get to I have, I also, like, yeah, I have sent it around to a few people and greatly appreciate those who read it. And there were a lot, a lot more people that I wanted to read it. So if you're hearing this and you think, why wasn't it sent to me? Just know that I wanted to. But for

various reasons, there are many factors. The algorithm did it. Certain things have happened. A number of things have taken place. A number of things have happened. It's a good book, though. Can't wait for all to read it. Buy it. Everyone. Buy it. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you all. Ryan, you got anything? Pre-owned airboats.com. It's where we have merch. Haven't put anything new up in a while.

I might put some new stuff. Yes, I am working on a Genghis Khan horse girl shirt. Yeah, stuff like that. Might put new stuff up. Don't have COVID anymore. This is not a podcast business, but I recently learned that there's a U.S. Olympics Hall of Fame. And I just want to say that I think that's unnecessary.

What the fuck? Are there, like, gold medalists who didn't make the cut? I think so. Like, Michael Phelps is just going into it this year or something. What? And I'm mostly just, like, I don't think we need this. Like, we already have a wiki list of gold medal winners. Right.

Like, the Olympics sort of does all this work for. Like, what is this committee talking about? Are there, like, bronze medalists who are, like, popular and nice and they get in or something? The only person I can think of who sort of fits this, fits this is the figure skater. Michelle Kwan? No. We should have a museum. Who did Tanya Harding attack?

Nancy Kerrigan is the one person where I'm like, yeah, maybe that. What about the? You can have like a Nancy Kerrigan and Michelle Kwan Museum because they both got silver, right? That would be fine, sure. I would like to see admitted the rich person who scammed her way into the. snowboarding event yes for like dominica yeah yeah um so this means what like alonzo morning and um carmelo anthony and you know just like lots of really good basketball players who weren't necessarily like the greatest basketball player yeah in the olympics hall of fame

yeah we can go ahead and put them in i think we should pitchfork it and downgrade people historically go back to a gold and be like eh eh eh not in Not impressed. Not impressed. Come on. The price of gold is fluctuated over time, so. You know, we could really get American tourists flowing back to museums and whatnot. If every one of them had some kind of built different function, where in front of every exhibit, you could like push a button and record for history,

why that wouldn't have happened to you. It just says, like, respect. to, you know, respect to Nancy Kerrigan, but, and you hit the button and record. But unlike Batman's parents, she survived. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, the Hindenberg, I would have jumped free.

Just want to jump clear. I simply would have tucked and rolled. If you jump right as it explodes, it will push you away. That's what I said. Thank you. And then instead of, oh God, the humanity,

oh God, the human who has escaped the catastrophe. Hey, speaking of explosions, Jason, would you like to tell us about this Myrtle Beach story we've got from Josh? Let's see here. Let me track it down. Sorry, I hit Control F explosion on the dock and popped up like five stories. So two different Myrtle Beach explosions. We're so loaded today. This story comes to us from Josh, as noted.

My dad took us to my grandparents' trailer outside Myrtle Beach for vacation. See, that's a hot start, folks. It said Myrtle Beach. The trailer had been unoccupied for a couple years, and my father thought, I must spend my vacation improving this land. He mowed and cut and whatnot until he got to an old boat and quickly determined it must be destroyed. Got it. He poured gas all over it, but a bunch of gas fumes built up in the cabin because I guess he may have used too much gas.

The concussive blast from the boat knocked the satellite dish off the trailer. The family exited to find my father, looking rather put out, stomping on various fires that have started in the yard and already minimizing his involvement in the explosion. Blaming, let's see, I think it's blaming the shape of the cabin is probably where dad logic goes. It didn't have good airflow. I'm picturing that Philly meme where it holds up both hands just like, listen. Listen, there's a PR saying here. If you're not spinning, you're standing still. That's right.

You just got to start. Get that mouth moving for better. Post through it. Post through it, dad. This is a theme we'll come back to you on this episode. A particular dad disaster is when you set out to burn or explode something and then you get mad because you burned or exploded it too much. You did your job too well.

Like it's very rarely is it, oh, something was accidentally set on fire or something accidentally blew up that was not intended to blow up. It's almost always... The fire did not obey my will. Right. Yes. I am not the elementalist I thought myself. Dang it.

I take it off the leash and it just does all this. I can't take it nowhere. Like the fire is an ornery pet. Right. Like it's a nephew that won't listen. Fire, get back here. Settle down. Fire just can't listen.

Fire, get off the roof. Get off the roof. Fire. Go on, get. I have another Myrtle Beach disaster. Wow. This is Matt from 803, who, also, some of you guys, some of you may hear your voicemails read on the show because your connection was bad, or you talk boring. Matt talked, Matt from 803 talked very well, but his connection was kind of fuzzy, so we're going to read this one aloud.

So my family was on vacation in Myrtle Beach. We were coming back from, I don't know, mini golf or something, going back to the condo. Here's the sentence. My dad was driving and getting increasingly upset that no one else was ordering a pizza. he decided he decided he he decided he was going to order them

so dad's hangary and decided he was going and this apparently is fairly recent because and I know that this is recent because the next sentence dad decided he was going to order pizzas himself via Domino's app while driving what just like fucking meet me

somewhere and throw it as I pass Yes Just leave it somewhere I will pick it up like it's a power up I'll race you there I'll race the delivery I'll drive I'll drive over it and receive a boost Pizza time well

Speaking of driving over things and receiving Boasts Dad hit a curb Of pizza Not like Dad hit a curb It wasn't like a slanted curb It was like a four lane highway

three, four, six inch median curb at about a 30 degree angle, which launched the car up a notable amount and completely blew out the tire. When we did finally come to a stop, we noticed that the rim wasn't shattered somehow, but we did need to change the tire. And while my dad was changing the tire, I made a comment along the lines of being surprised. We only blew a tire, and it wasn't worse that we didn't get shot across four lanes of traffic and into another vehicle, to which my dad replied, well, I'm a good driver. Thank you, Matt. Thank you.

I willed the car to behave. Stop it. He said get and it got. Can I read a different car one? Oh, please do. All right. This is from our friend Hector. My dad used to have this beat up 1993 Nissan Maxima that he would swear still work.

It drove fine, but the problem was that it worked if you opened the hood and hotwired it. Sometimes it started like a normal car should, but the success rate was 50-50. It was our emergency car and the first car I got to drive. Those things are very different. So I got really good at messing with car batteries. Dad claimed he didn't fix this problem intentionally so no one would steal the car. Again, we're talking about a 1993 Nissan Maxima. I wrecked it as a fucking trap.

So the collectors of this ancient maxima. I also like that we're talking about car thieves who are so stumped when the car won't start that they wouldn't possibly hotwire. Totally off the table. We're from the Honorary Guild of Car Thieves who do not hardwire. We only

What kind of bullshit Indiana Jones Did Temple like We only We only steal keys Not cars So here's the twist Anyway one day He parked the car in the driveway

Near the front gate And tried turning the ignition It didn't turn on So he opened the hood To start it up the dad way And he might have accidentally Left the car in drive With a dead battery

Because as soon as he jumped it The car started moving Without him in it The car kept going until it pinned him to the gate. My dad hit himself with his own car. Ghost ratin. Dad invented ghost riding.

Which I just, like, do you file an insurance claim at that point? I mean, just to spread the word of how awesome you are. Yeah. You call up all state like, hey, you want to hear some crazy shit. Got hit by a ghost. The dad disaster that I was thinking about from my own life when we were talking about this, many of them have been mentioned already on the show, but I have another non-moving car disaster from my father.

This is one of my favorites. The Boys Club and the town where I grew up sells Christmas trees, and my dad volunteered to work the Christmas tree lap. So we were there picking out a tree one year. I had driven my 1989 Jeep Cherokee, you know, the steel box on wheels and, you know, we had hoisted the tree up onto the roof and my father had insisted that he was not going to use the proffered twine because he had brought a series of cords from home that he wanted to test out the good chords right right right he has very he has he has very specific opinion this is maybe his most dad like thing is as a long long series of opinions about bungee cords so he gets the tree attached to the car which Without, because he didn't want to, like, you know, he didn't want to waste twine. And the, the joke that he made was, this was, I'm going to save a plastic tree.

And he repeated this all day. And by the time he gets the tree secured, we realized that he has tied all the door handles shut. Yep. Yep. And I am, like, 16 at that point. And I just dive in through the front window, lickety split. My dad is like, eh, like, I don't actually know how tall my dad is, like, 6-2, 6-4. some of them. So dad is trying to fold himself in through the passenger window of a Jeep

Cherokee. Somebody at the Boys Club has a Polaroid camera and a plaque with a photograph of him trying to fold himself in through the window mysteriously appeared on the wall of the Boys Club sometime after New Year's. Thank you, Dad. I feel like your dad, like all dads, also, can only bend into different right angles. Like, they're is no sort of like flexibility it's just sort of like using a very old Lego piece where it's just like it can go flat or it can go it can be a T that's it all all dads are Tetris pieces yes yep not the helpful ones either I have I have I'm gonna start light I'm gonna stretch a little bit but this is a good one it's from Robert dad and uncle got into a fight over who would

drive home after getting drunk at a game cox game my dad got his ass beat so bad my uncle rubbed his face in the pavement in the street in columbia in september oh no that's a trip to the burn ward go coxed and then they had to drive home you got put some hearties put some hearties on that real quick swelling go down He just put a big Buford right over that. It'll just soak up all that hurt. Rub a big Buford across there. Is it worse if this happened at a night game or a noon game?

No noon. Noon. Pavements hotter. Night game, first of all, you're so drunk that you might fall asleep halfway through the maneuver. And secondly, it's down to like, you know, only like 89 degrees outside. Also, what makes this a classic South Carolina and dad's story, it's two grown men who have already gotten drunk

now arguing over why the other got drunk, right? I thought you were driving! Yeah, they're arguing about who has had the worst ideas all day long. We should have been Mississippi State. You shut up! I know, and I also know that at one point they were both two drinks in, and they thought, well, he'll stop, because I ain't.

At what point did their eyes meet over the edge of the cup? I think that's his third. I think that's his third. Did they lock eyes and chug at any point? This is all in. Oh, yeah. No, it's like, it's like, hey, Cooper, let's do a drinking game. Every time we run for exactly three yards, finish your drink.

Your own. Oh, it's second and ten. Time to drink. I can feel it. Hey, Serber, we've got a voicemail from 973 that also encompasses, disagreeing over whether one is injured. Oh, yeah, the Mighty Ducks. Let's hear what they have to say.

So the relevant sentence in here in case you were wondering is, so my dad had recently watched D2, The Mighty Ducks. How could that lead to harm? Hey, so when we were kids, we went to play soccer with my dad and my brother, and I was in goal and asked my dad to shoot as hard as he possibly could at me. and so he went to do that but at the very last second my seven-year-old brother jumped in front of it and there was an audible crack and he collapsed crying holding his arm so we go home and

my mom wanted to take him to the hospital but my dad had just recently watched d2 the mighty duck and in it there was a scene where coach bombay has adam banks rotate a hockey stick the test of his arm is still broken so my brother winces through it and does it and my dad says conclusively like well his arm's not broken so we're not going to hospital um a week goes by and we're out at dinner and my brother still cannot pick up like a drink so he couldn't lift up a cup of coke And so my mom has it, and she's like, all right, we're going to the hospital. They go to the hospital, and the doctor, before even seeing the x-ray, says, oh, yeah, that's broken. And my mom's furious, but my dad tivots to the offensive and says that, well, the weak let the swelling go down.

So he didn't need to get a temporary cast, so he could immediately get a hard cast. All part of that. He was smart. But he did feel bad, so he got my brother a new hockey stick as sort of like a condolences thing. Possibly important note, but my dad is an MD. So a doctor took medical advice from a fictional hockey coach. who is only there because he got a DUI. I want to be clear that that's what we're talking about.

Okay. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, to be clear, one time I was introduced to a guy who finished toward the bottom of his med school, and they said, well, he's still a doctor. Thus, that's what we call him Dr. Stupid. And the guy who is known as Dr. Stupid, who, yes, is an Auburn fan from South Alabama, said, yeah, man, that's me. I'm Dr. Stupid.

Listen, my former father-in-law is a family physician, and I think I've actually mentioned before on the show about how when I burned all the skin off my leg at Thanksgiving, he thought I didn't need to go to the hospital, and that's how I ended up missing the kick-six. But he told me something that I've never forgotten, which is that there are dumb asses in every workplace. Like, a hospital is a workplace like any other. There are dumb shits at NASA. There are dumb shits at the hospital. little, there are dumb shits at the funeral home. You know, like, having, having this job doesn't make you smart. You could be smart and have this job.

Do dad doctors maybe just avoid, like, hospital trips because they're like, oh, that's my work. I don't want to go to. Oh, it sucks. I don't want to go to work today. Ryan, ask your dad. I would actually be very curious about this. I can't take the, I'm not going back to the office.

Oh, you're fine. You're fine. Shut up. Why do we have to go to my work? They're going to make me do a surgery. on my kid I asked injuries I asked around for

for one of my own to confess and the story we tell most often is my daughter went to the elementary school that's like three minutes away for a time and so my gimmick was instead of driving to pick her up I would just walk to pick her up and carry home on my shoulders it was cute it was fun it was this was and she was this was pre-K

and there is one day where she was real quiet and as we were walking home I was like boy it smells bad out here today usually we walk past a Burger King and has this very deceptively good smoked meat smell but it's a lie don't fall for it but I wasn't smelling the smoked meat in fact it was smelling like

the inside of a Burger King and eventually got her home and she was still real quiet and sat her down and just sort of said did you poop your pants at school you know just said it more gently than that and the story came out that she'd pooped her pants like hours ago in lunch.

So I carried her home in the, you know, 95 degree heat as she sat on my shoulders with jeans full of like four-hour old poop. So, so yeah, that was that day. Then I, like, clocked back into writing sports blogs after we cleaned off her butt. So that was mine. And can I read one as well? Is this the one about the airport? You have my favorite one.

This is, I'm going to read my favorite one. There are many favorites, but this is my personal favorite. It comes from Charlie, Charlie in Eastern Iowa. All right. In November 2002, my dad, then a police detective, purchased a whole 130-pound lamb from a farmer. Can I pause real quick? Yes. This, just listener, this one gets rough.

Like, if you... Is this a content warning? This is absolutely a content. Mostly because, like, if you have, like, sensitive children who, listen to this podcast like ever done one of those content warning have you have you vegetarians please leave the room no i haven't read this okay you'll understand why please go ahead jason no i'm not doubting you i'm just marveling because i don't think we've ever done a content word yeah it's it's gonna it's gonna get it's gonna go places please sorry okay one hundred and thirty pound lamb whole alive oh boy dad's a pretty

good cook and he had plans for this thing dad dropped the sheep as humanely as possible with a well-placed bullet between behind the ear and put the entire thing into a very large plastic tote in the back of his pickup. He then started the 90-minute drive home. 30 minutes later, he looks in the rear-view mirror and sees the top of the tote fly off. He begins to slow down.

He sees the sheep stand up in the tote. Panic washes over him. He breaks hard and the half-contained sheep slides up against the cab. He pulls over and runs around to the back of the pickup just to the sheep. Crazed and covered in blood is about to jump out. It's broad-ass daylight. Without thinking, he punches the sheep in the forehead.

The sturdiest, least yielding part on the whole animal and breaks a bone in his hand. The sheep doesn't budge and instead sneezes a large quantity of bloody foam all over Chad's glasses, head, and torso. So he is now covered in blood and can't see. So, and honestly, the rest of this is the upsetting stuff so far is great and awesome. And honestly, I feel fine cutting it right there because it gets, I don't know, man. It gets insane. Oh, God. I don't want to read.

I just read the rest of it. I don't want to read the rest of it. I told you. I told you. The punch, the punch is the full cast part, okay? Uh-huh. everything after that is absolute horror the sheep is eventually dispatched and you are better off not hearing how yeah so dad is standing on the side of a busy four-lane highway covered in blood cars are swerving people are looking no authorities called there's some no country that's the type of shit that goes down in eastern iowa punching a zombie sheep it i read it and i thought of the liam nisen's film where he

punches wolves this is the this is even better punching sheep i just thought of the pine barons right like i heard that sheep was an interior decorator in servia yeah but his house look like shit oh my god yeah i'm i'm shaken oh and that's like there's a whole there's a whole film after that that is horrifying just I don't even know, man This is from Matt A lot of them are from Matt, spoiler Oh, that's because if they didn't leave their name

I just put their name was Matt Oh, I put in the names from the emails And it's just a lot of fucking Matt's Okay, this is, on the voicemail If you didn't leave your name, your name is Matt As usual. Okay, because odds are My divorced parents scheduled our separate family trips

To visit grandparents back to back one summer Dad was going to take us to Nevada Mom was going to take us to California after driving the three of us kids and stepmom out to Nevada in his six-seater SUV, dad decides without telling anybody ahead of time so that we can plan for it that he can get us extra vacation time by just driving us straight down to California while my mom flies out and then we'll all fly home back with mom after her side of the vacation. So two days before the children and the mother are scheduled to fly from Detroit to California,

he calls his ex-wife to schedule a time to drop us off after the flight. But here is where the problem shows up. Airlines have what this Matt says is a crazy policy, but I would say is actually one of the less crazy airline policies that if you have a round-trip flight and you don't show up for the first part, they cancel your return flight. So now, Dad has less than 48 hours to get from Lake, Tahoe to Detroit in order to make

a flight that will then go back to California. 36 and a half hours consecutively in the car later. The five of us arrive at Mom's house a solid six hours before we are scheduled to fly back across the country.

You know what? The most dad thing about it six hours before the flight. Six hours before the flight. Yep, that's got to the air chicken rowboat. The other dad part of the thing about it is that like I think at some point you would say like okay well what if I just cancel that flight and just buy the kids one-way tickets can we do that like you know that we know the seats are there just cancel them swap them nope we're gonna drive in an SUV for 36 hours

because I will not be bested by these shameless airline rules meant to trick good and honorable dads of my status that's what people do to flee countries right They drive a day and a half with five people in the car. Yeah. I assume, like, the maddest of all of these people had to have been the stepmom, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, 100%. I have another automotive disaster.

Serber, can we pull up 479, Christina's mom's car? Hi, this is Christina from Arkansas, and I have a dad disaster. So my mother's car looks alarmingly like the cars that state troopers dress. And one day she went out to get in her car, and the front of it was all kinds of fucked up. It looked like it had been hit with something, or it was sort of crunched up and dented. And she, you know, there was no note. She called the police. The police come.

and they tell her that her car looks like their cars and that it is possible it looks like it was hit with a golf club or a bat and that it was possible

that her car had been vandalized by people who thought it was like an undercover police car she still believes that that happened but really my dad backed into her in the parking lot of their apartment complex and just never told her.

And he has let her believe that she was the victim of an anti-police hate crime, simply because he did not want to tell her that he backed into the car. She still believes this, does not know. We have been instructed that we must take this to our grave. I would call that a dead disaster. Love the show. Bye. Thanks, Christina.

This isn't exactly stolen valor, but it's somewhere in that ballpark. I love that by the way that's setting up Antifa to be blamed for an entire series of like errors by fathers

right or by anyone right? Like oh yeah Antifa blew the mortgage at the golden nugget yeah that's who did that gosh who didn't eat

all the ice cream sandwich it was probably Antifa it's probably George Soros who forgot to take out the garbage can it was the fucking Illuminati, who didn't close the bathroom door. Barack Hussein Obama.

I got you a nice birthday gift, Susan. Antiva must have replaced it with this crap. I just looked it up. A 36-hour drive would take you from Atlanta to Seattle. God, Jesus Christ. God, night. Hey, I found the body horror when I was looking up for a minute ago. It's not Dad A and Dad B?

No. I'll have that one next. This is no name given. this guy's from Long Island. This was in the voicemail line. Dad grew up on the 50s. You're about to hear a familiar phrase on the podcast. Dad grew up in the 50s on Long Island in New York.

And back then, it was apparently really easy to get your hands on explosives. So a story ensues where a tree falls that is blocking the path of a tire swing. And this guy's dad, as a child, decides to blow up the offending tree and takes off the entirety of his own hand. All right. So we're going to pick back up. We're going to, that's not the disaster. This is the preface? Yeah, we're going to pick back up.

The bomb blew up while he was holding it, completely taking off his left hand. I've never known my father to have two hands. And this would be sad if it weren't for the fact that this is probably his single favorite story. The scar that remains looks like a U. And when I was a little kid, when he flexed, the muscle in his left arm would come up like a smile on the U. He used to put googly eyes and look. lipstick on it and turn his stub into a sock puppet and do shows for me and my friends. So I think that is what makes it funny and not just sad.

Hopefully you agree. Thank you, Long Island. Thank you, Matt, from Long Island. You see this guy's freaking stump? I will say... It does waste us. It's crazy. It's crazy.

So the call for this episode was just dad disasters. That's it. And we've obviously done lots of other disasters, some of which sort of overlap here. There's some Thanksgiving in here. There's a lot of lawn care in here. There's a lot of long care, yeah. But this by far, compared to every other submission call we've had, had the most, like, drastic injury rate.

Not even close. Like, the number of serious injuries that resulted, people are like, he's blind in that eye now, or he lost those fingers. Yeah, wildlife disasters did not have this many. No, no, it was amazing. Like, if we do, like, if we do, like, Uncle Disasteries, it's like broken ankle dad disaster is like beheaded he's fine he's good speaking of beheading let's go back to dad

a and dad b okay so dad a dad b before we start i want to say that this story contains honestly the most terrible judgment by volume by volume of any story we've ever told on this podcast involving dads there is one thing that i didn't put in the description here which i should have the person who sent the story in is like a volunteer EMT and that's why he is involved in the story and but it's not like an ambulance just driving around making ambulance calls this is like a rural which would be funny yes this is just like a more rural situation where like people are just like yep I'm the EMT for the town so but this makes it better because this happened to this dude at work yes correct I've never at unpaid work yes at unpaid work and I have never seen a collective

incompetence score like I have seen in this story. No, it's extraordinary. Local Dad A was taking the boys down to the creek for a swim when they came across the gigantic timber rattler sunning on the asphalt. Dad A, being half lit and

not a snake wrangler, decided it'd be a good idea to teach the boys how to handle a venomous snake. Start right there. I feel I wish that's music for this. Start right there. Decided how to handle a venomous snake.

Yeah, building. He pulled the large tree limb off the side of the road and used it to pin the snake to the ground. He then picked the fucking snake up, this is all caps, and let his kids pet it. This is the first paragraph. Without incident. Without incident to this point,

dad's hands lost. The whole dad's dominion over nature. So far this story is just Pentecostal. Fire, cars, snakes, dad controls all the four food groups. At this point, we're just Australian, right? Yeah. He's just picked up a venomous snake, and he has displayed his mastery over said venomous snake. This is how a passion play plays out in Australia.

This is where it gets real, I'm just going to guess, Arkansas. Jesus picks up the fed snake. Dad's hands lost grip on the snake's head. And the snake was able to turn its head and strike him on the hand. Dad dropped the snake and put the boys in the bed of the truck to keep them safe, I guess? Sure. We're just, I like that we're actually questioning the design here at this point for the first time. Not, oh, I decided to, like, show the kids how to handle a snake when I was half drunk.

Continuing. Does dad drive himself to the hospital or call for help? Yes. No. Absolutely not. Okay. He gets the comically oversized monkey wrench out of his truck to bash the snake's head in. I'm going to go womp that snake's ass.

That's why it's called a monkey wrench. It's for wildlife. It's like paper rock scissors. Snake, dad, monkey wrench. In his drunken and envenomated state, he approaches the snake and swings the huge wrench like a club. He misses. The snake strikes him again. his accuracy like the snake is just taunting at this point like like like it said on screen it said 40%

chance of contact he said press attack yes this is this is playing out this is playing out exactly like a turn-based combat game where you are way in over your head you need failure you got to go grind some more dad minus 20% envenated this is me every time I play fallout every time. Hey, Daryl! That's the manna! We continue with this outtake from Eldon Ring, Arkansas. Dad now realizes

he's, dad realizes he's now officially fucked up and calls 911. Mind you, not the first... So he had the ability to call 911. Right. Not the first rattlesnake bite, but the second one. He's like, well, he's got me. Fool me once. Bite me once.

all right you bastard you're not biting me a third time Ryan the back end of that phrase is fool me twice let's see what happens we're halfway through the story in the 10 minutes

between me getting the call because remember this guy's volunteer paramedic and arriving on scene local dad B pulls up oh no sees local dad A in distress and gets out to

and this is the word he uses help Dad B has a hoe in the backseat of his car Because why wouldn't he? He gets the hoe out That is the best snake killing implement in the Common House Tool Arsenal It's the best choice.

It's the best choice of weapon. Dad B loves snakes And he wants to move the very... Dad B has joined your party. It sounds like he's joined the snake party. It's the problem. The snake didn't need backup, but it hasn't ever...

Snake is achieving its final form without sustaining any damage. I mean, thank goodness he didn't call the cops, because the cops would have been like, hold on a second, hold on. The cops would have shot him. Yeah, the cops would have been like, the snake's got some point. The cops shoot him and plant a snake on him.

Right, so Dadby produces a hoe. I should say in the original submission, these men were identified by their cars, and this dad was listed as Oldsmobile Dad, if that helps. Thank you. Cruz was an Oldsmobile in the hoe with a hoe in the back. Dad B loves snakes and he wants to move the very pissed off rattler off the road into the woods. The snake was every inch of six feet long.

If you've ever seen a rattlesnake, that is a huge goddamn rattlesnake. Oh my God. This is either Arkansas or Alabama. Yeah, that's a beast of a rattles. We might have gone full Missouri. Yeah, the Oldsmobile. Dad B starts trying to move him, but the snake ain't having it. The snake launches at the bare leg and flip flop.

Foot of Dad B. You got to equip your items. You can't just go into battle equipping flip-flops. The snake turned on its own ally. Come on. I had my good snake fighting flip-flops on. I thought we were friends.

But I love snakes. This is the dad that loves snakes. I'm showing the snake how much I trust it. I got eight hit points. It'll be fine. Let's go. Damage. Oh, dang it. I was wearing my suit of armor up top. I forgot. I exposed myself by wearing my

cargs. This is how like every woman's armor works in like a fighting game where it's like, oh, her boobs were covered, but she got punched in the stomach. Nobody saw that coming. Exposed midriff was a bad idea for armor. And strikes him just above the ankle, causing him to panic and start wildly swinging the hoe. hits the back end of the snake, removing several inches on its tail. Hit! Intensify critical hit! Well, so, no, no, no, no.

All you've done now is remove the snake's warning system. Yes, that's right. Intensifying the primal reptilian rage. The snake launches again this time, striking him on the tip of his middle finger. So you can't even shoot at the bird at anger. No, he can't even tell the bird he hates it. Dad B. now realizes he too

is fucked up big time Dad C I got this we gotta get Charazard dad in here and perfect harmony both dads go to the glove box of their vehicles and arm themselves with handguns for the final battle

and they stand what is the EFT doing at this time I assume they're standing on opposite sides of the snake facing each other they look at listen man I didn't save my game before this we really got to get this done I'm trying to get the bad ending

I hear you unlock a really ugly hat you know when they say video games promote deviant behavior I don't actually think they're talking about mass shootings I think they're talking about this shit.

They're bad for dads. Dad just can't handle it. Rattlesnake venom works fast. That should have been the opening line of the story. And within a few minutes, most people experience severe pain and swelling, along with nausea, vomiting, and trouble breathing. Both dads were there. Fortunately, they're armed, y'all. Dizzy and lethargic, they slid down the front ends of their vehicles and began firing poorly aimed shots in the general direction. of the snake and each other.

There we go. Screw you, Dad, P. I had this. I'm taking all both you motherfuckers down with me. You'll probably bite me too. Both of you about six feet. I spent this all day being bitten by six feet.

Stand up and fight me at your proper height. Can I remind you that there's still four kids in the bed of a truck watching this shit? They're just watching two adults who are staggering around with huge swollen limbs and hands and legs and handguns firing ball This is project-based learning

I can't think of a better introduction To what actual adult is This is like watching somebody This is like watching somebody Buss on a hand of blackjack And demand more cards 23 Hit me

More These kids are all anarchists They're like yeah institutions We'll save us no gods no masters no gods no masters no dads two dads no masters we made it to the ER

where nurses were waiting to get them treated the four kids were still in the bed of the truck seemingly unfazed by the ordeal oh they've seen this before I unloaded them into the waiting room and left them in the care of the ER security guard probably the most responsible adult in this story besides you sir

Kids, what happened? Dad ran into Jerry again. Luckily, both dads survived with no lasting issues, and their kids learned a valuable lesson about not messing with snakes. Did it? As far as I know, the snake also survived. Hell yeah. They say it's still out there to this day, seeking dads it may devour. That snake is legally the dad of all those kids now.

he's a good provider he will protect you better than the dads did you know what won't pick up a snake for you to hug another snake and that snake grew up to be stone cold server that snake did grow up to be stone cold 100%

that snake by the way if you catch it red dead and make a pair of boots on it you can fly the snake is the biggest badass in the universe perfect pelt it is the most perfect help God damn Oh yeah All right

I need a break Here I'll take a break The actual story here That Joe from Illinois told That's a little bit of a weird one The actual story here involves Joe's dad Getting free tickets to six flags Thanks to his dad's windbreaker cord

Catching on a fence post At the Six Flags in Gurney Illinois and the little plastic thingy on the end of his windbreaker cord rebounded and hit him in the eye. But twice throughout the telling of this voicemail story, I thought the first one was a mistake, but he used it twice. You know that thing where you mean one word, but you think a word has another meaning,

and so you keep using it? So in relaying the story of their journey through the back end of Six Flags, Joe from Illinois repeatedly uses the word hospice in place of what I'm guessing is hospitality introducing into the universe the concept of the Six Flags Hospice and I just thought that deserves some recognition even though the story itself is fairly benign.

Somewhere Dan Snyder was like, yeah, we can make that, yeah, that'll work. That's a business plan right there, baby. Johnny Rockets will do the catering. Yeah. yeah we'll sell our mattresses there we have to sing to these yes you have to sing it's johnny rockets hey listen what is it six flags great adventure what is the greatest adventure of all but the journey beyond the veil we had to build it we had to correct it from the older hospice which was confederate themed which was problematic they're keeping the confederate themed hospice

they're just going to bury everybody in it yeah i'm sorry the state's rights hospice yes there's been a number of roller coaster fatalities at Six Flags is as I believe we've covered on one or another episode of this podcast before. Yeah, more like Six Flags under Georgia. Six feet under Georgia. There we go. Six Flags is common. This could be a relevant

alternate business model for Six Flags. Anyway, thank you to Joe from Illinois for repeatedly saying hospice during this voice mail. That's all? I would like to offer one that is a visual because of course,

visual medium. This was not the primary story that Chris sent in, but I think it is the better one. My dad attempted to cut the tops off of his air monarchs to make them into beach shoes. To make you into what?

Beach shoes. And now, I am going to put into our chat and we can, I guess we'll just tweet it out. Yeah. Let's just tweet the photos. Hold on.

Hold on. Wait. Let's see. That should be openable for all of you. Yeah, hang on. Yeah. Hold on a second. Oh, my God.

They're even more amazing than I expected. It's literally just, just the toes. Just the toe flap. It looks like a peep toe mottar. It looks like a car without a hood. You can still see the air monarchs. I feel like I can see Pete Carroll's toes right now. These were clearly done with just average scissors.

In no way was anything. I just do that this is a disaster. I also like that the stated purpose of these is, yeah, I want to wear these somewhere with sand. I want to wear these in the sand. This is just creating a sand entry system. What if I could have shoes that always had sand in them? Do you mean sandals? No, no, no, much sweatier than a sandal like a beach detritus intake system.

But with all the stink of a sneaker, so you basically created a place of odor on my feet. What if a child's beach scoop could be shoes? Also, concerning the nasal factors of this shoe, there are no socks involved. No, because there are bees socks. Because Jason, they're beach shoes now. We don't wear socks to the beach. Why would you wear socks to beech, idiot? What I would like to...

You're right. This is a perfect design. Otherwise, what I would like to see is some sort of an outlet valve in the back. Can we do that? Can we modify that so that all the... The detritus is an airflow system where the sand and sea grime

is just being emitted out of the back. Right. You're sort of saying, what if Air Monarchs and Tivas had a base? maybe that they hated. What if that? I would just like a big old blasting exhaust system. Just spraying. So if he had done this with like Reebok pumps

and could have rerouted the tubing. Yeah. Inside the shoe. To blow Beach, to try this out the back. The most dad thing about this isn't the act itself, nor is it the shoes. It's that this man did this,

looked at it and said, yep we'll wear and we'll show because like you can you can you can have the idea and you can give it a shot and you should look at this and say no this is not to be put on anyone's feet much less to be shown off to my family but that's not what this dad did he said look I fucking did it I think this is now I can smell your shoes and see your nasty ass and this is dad of the year no no hand you're the dad also I'm going to put the I'm going to put the sneakers got him over this. Hang on a second.

It also looks like the rest of the fit is set off with some sweatshorts. That's what I was going to. Y'all, those legs look young. Are we sure this is not the collar and not the caller's father? I think dad's just in great shape from all that jogging on the beach. Those legs look ageless. Yeah. Yeah, that's because he's getting a lot of vitamin D.

And I think the sandblasting is wearing away all the, all the, harms of age Okay, so this is the summer-based inverse to warning that heat escapes from your head so you have to wear a hat in the winter. You have to absorb vitamins through the feet. Correct. Like roots, like a tree.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. No, this all makes sense now. This looks like if hobbits were from Michigan. Yeah, I went down in the Hobbit Outlet store. pretty sweet. I got to tell you. Got a nice...

Got a nice pair of shoes, Ed. You should go get a pair. If I take one more... One more step in my Air Monarchs with open toes, I'll be the farthest from Michigan I've ever been. He's at Lake Michigan. He's still in Michigan.

It's in Toledo. The other thing is, I guarantee you this dad was like, well, now I got to buy another regular pair of Air Monarchs because these are the beach ones. Look, Cheryl, something happened to my monarchs.

Guess I got to buy more. For some reason, the visible air monarch lettering on the tongues of the shoes is the part of this. That's the funny. Because it lends an era of an air of endorsement

from Nike to what is happening below. It sounds so literal. Yeah. Also, this man has become the monarch of air. I can feel it. We've always agreed that with sandals,

the stability was inherently in anchoring between the big toe and the next little toe. Now he's got ankle support. If you have ankle support for your entire foot to go shearing through the front like a bobsled out of a tunnel. That's what you have here.

Also note they are tied, tied nice and snug because it's important to be ready for action. It's important to be wearing normal shoes. This is the least successful gladiator. You're seeing right. Disagree. You see a gladiator in the air monarch

You're just like, I'm only using one sword Screw the net Are you not ready to grill? You've also taken away the one protection That you have with even soft shoes Which is protecting the toe Instead, you're like, break a ball Stub every last one of them

I have another craft Another craft one I would like to read for craft D-Crafty dads. Craft is such a kind word, but please go ahead. This is from Alex. In 1992, the San Francisco Giants were going to be sold to Tampa Bay, and my father could not bear that.

A season ticket holder since he turned 18, he was desperate for the team to stay, so much so that one weekend, when my mother was out of town, he painted the entire back of their house neon orange with Save Our Giants painted over it in black. my father is very much not the handyman type but also he did this to the house he and my mother were just a few months away from selling when they did eventually sell the house a condition of the sales that he had to repaint the entire back of the house in its original color my mom made sure he did this by himself the giant stayed in san francisco at the end and here is where i disagree with alex who said i don't think this helped at all disagree yep yeah it's probably The emanations throughout the universe. What do we think they lost on this sale? 10 grand? 15 grand?

Oh, what year was? Oh, this was 1999. Yeah. So it's not that much, but it's probably like 10 grand. Like, probably somebody was like, what's the list price? No, we're not paying that. We're not paying list for your fucking amateur mural house. Absolutely.

This was not a little deal. I remember because I lived in St. Pete at the time, which is where they were going to relocate. in the stadium that eventually belonged to the race this was a big deal I read about this in the paper wow and the reaction was pretty much like

yeah what an idiot the deal the deal was done but you can't move you mean the house painting was in the paper no the house painting yeah no no no no no I read about this dude's dad in the St. Pete Times I'm pretty sure I love that this blew up before social media

that's the amazing thing it's like if somebody did this today it'd be like oh, I'll give that eight seconds of attention and then forget it ever happened. This was like, this is a commitment. I thought that backs up Holly's point that this did change the course of baseball history. Yeah, yeah, the Tampa St. Pete folks

were like, oh, we can't get involved here. Yeah. We want no part of this. Why are you hating? Why are you hating, Alex? Shouts out to everyone else coming out stupid of the story, by the way, not only the homeowners, but also the St. Pete Tampa people who are like, this guy's a moron.

They're coming. They're coming to the bay, baby! Who wouldn't want to come to Tampa? Serber, can we play voicemail 832 from Splash Mountain? Hi, Anna, I would like to just share a little dad faster with the shutdown forecast group. This is about my own father. I was probably about 13 years old, and we went to Disneyland, and we actually took my best friend. I have three little brothers and a little sister as well.

Based on the fact that my family is large and we went to Disneyland, you are correct. I am Mormon. Anyway, so we were going on Splash Mountain one last time and it was a little bit chilly at night and we got around the bend on that first part of Splash Mountain where you can see the people

coming down the log flume but you're way early in the ride. But we got stopped right there where the log flume is supposed to carry you up to the next little level before you start to go up and around and then down finally into the ride. Not to spoil it for anyone that hasn't ridden on it. But

the point being is we got stuck there because I don't know what they were doing getting someone off the ride on the ride something was stuck whatever and there were two little jets of water that would shoot over every time a log would go down the flume and it just so happened that this was on a timer

it wasn't based logs specifically so even after they stopped all the logs about every 15 seconds two jets of water would shoot over the log flum and it would hit my two brothers directly in the head they were probably about 8 and 10 years old and it was funny the first three or four times and then they started to cry

until about the 40th time. And my dad was just kind of yelling out into space, kind of saying like, hey, can we please move this log flume? And there was no response. And then he stood up out of the log and he walked over and found the first security camera that he could find, and he started

yelling into it. And finally, we heard over the intercom speaker, sir, get back in the log. No one came out to get it. And he finally got back in the log. And for about five more minutes after that, my brother's kept getting squirted on the head with water.

Finally, the ride started moving. We went all the way through the ride. My brothers are absolutely drenched head to toe. Every time we go inside the ride and it's air condition, they're like shivering and freezing. We get to the bottom. And my dad, who was on a family leave from serving in Iraq at the time, begins to yell at the, I guess, shift leader for the Splash Mountain Ride in Disneyland.

And they yell at each other for about five minutes. And I'm pretty sure the only reason he didn't receive a permanent ban from Disneyland is because he was actively serving at the time. That's my dad's a disaster. He thought he was giving us a military order. I just thought that one was sweet. Also, a disaster not of the dad's making. Yeah.

That's true. I mean, I thought when he got out of the log film, it was about to turn into a disaster of the dad's making. Yeah, that one had numerous potential outcomes, really, lots of alternate universes. Like Splash Mountain, you think you're going to get it, and then you keep evading danger. Yeah. I appreciated that. So we talked before the call about whether this should be a one or two part a parter.

I think we're going to need multiple episodes to get through all the dad content. Um, let's see. I'm going to go with, uh, from John. When I was a teenager, I watched my dad on his birthday. Urinate into the neighbor's bushes. While repeatedly singing just the motor in. Part of Sister Christian and then fall. face first into sedgeus.

Motoring! Okay, so here's the thing. I have an MP3 here of what this would sound like because once upon a time, like 10 years ago on the internet. This was a thing on college football Twitter for... This was a thing, and Bubba Prague made us an MP3 of exactly what it would sound like,

and I'm just going to play that real quick. While pissing on a neighbor's shrubbery. It's his birthday. It's his birthday. All crime is legal. I'd be so proud of my dad. I would play this song frequently just to fuck with my dad. You want to listen to a little music tag?

Hey, you got to go to the bathroom? This song has been in my music collection because God bless Internet Legend Bubba Prague who made this for us like 10 years ago. I had this in my phone for a while and I would just, at one point I looked up in trafficking and realized I had been listening to this file for like four minutes

because he made like a five minute loop of it. And I've been listening to four minutes of it just like gently nodding my head along without notice. This song was not present. Did you also find yourself absent-minded peeing on a neighbor's bushes. No, and I feel like I've got to go back and listen to the whole thing now.

Clearly, I'm not getting into it. Eventually, eventually it'll take hold on you. And I want to note that this story does not stipulate that after dad fell first into said Bush's dad stopped singing motoring. Some say he's still singing it to this day. His spirit still wanders these hills. Introduce, owner and, owner and, owner and, older and, odor, and, odor, and, introducing. Introducing your kids to finances and gift cards can be quite a task. You don't want to limit them with traditional gift cards that only work for one specific store

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