Shutdown Fullcast - Dead Presidents / Settlers of CaTen

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

SHOW NOTES - It used to be a lot easier to just fight a U.S. President in the street, and we have a fair and equitable plan to correct that - Big Ten, everyone is frankly shocked that y'all aren't better at Settlers of Catan  - Care and feeding of your jetski - We have fixed realignment via the NCAA's favorite chew toy: A consortium. You are welcome - Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, I got a question. Yes. Have you all heard of the cat gap? No. Is this a wage gap for cats? No, this is a thing that I discovered on Twitter today. This is from Twitter user Al Hendify, whose display name is David Attenborough. The cat gap is a period in the fossil record of approximately 25 million to 18.5 million years ago in which there are few fossils of cats.

or cat-like species found in North America, and nobody knows why. And there's this whole thread full of theories like, the cats ventured off to the edge of the world in this time so they could knock things off it. Or they were possibly sleeping. Or cats just lived for 6.5 million years at that time.

But my favorite one comes from the wellie, which says my hypothesis is that during this period, cats were primarily canopy animals this is known as the sealing cat of the cat gap hypothesis anyway that's my favorite thing I've learned in a long time that's pretty good yeah

the idea that they were the notion that cats are so fuck you the ancient cats and now are soft and ancient cats were so fuck you that they ground their own bones to dust fuck you we're not going in your fucking museums methuselan cats that lived

seven million years so this thread started with somebody doing the image of a paleontologist out there shaking a treat bag like trying to find cat fossils. Welcome to the shutdown full cat. For some reason, it looks so much funnier when Spencer doesn't have a mic connected to his, like a mic headset, for some reason. It just looks even more like you're just yelling. Just yelling in a room.

I like this so much better when we're not in the same state. Can you record out of state every week for me? Yes. Yes, I don't know if you can hear there's a leaf blower outside this room. Just a beautiful, no, great, a leaf blower. Because at every point in America, there must be a leaf blower. What's up, bud? Yeah, blowing somewhere within 15 feet of you at all times.

We can't hear Bud's leaf blower over you. Okay. Indeed, welcome leaf flower. Turnabout is fair play. Spencer, where are you? I am currently in Franklin, Tennessee. Ryan, would you like to tell Spencer what your daughter said about Nashville? Oh, yeah.

So I forget how this came up. We were talking about flags in the car with my daughter. And she was like, oh, I know what the United States flag looks like. And she describes it accurately. And she says, and I know what the Tennessee flag looks like. And she also describes it accurately. And then I say, you know, you know, I don't know what Nashville's city flag looks like. Like I assume it has one, but I couldn't tell you anything about what it looks like.

And I'm just sort of wondering this loud. And she says, oh, I know that one too. And she pauses. And she says, it's orange and it's got a big white tea in the middle of it. So Vanderbilt marketing is going fucking great here in Nashville. BFL, baby. just do it just the idea that like the idea that they would just assume the entire state is a bold move by Josh Heifle and his regime of Tennessee I do not new calm down I do think if you ran for mayor

of Nashville solely on the platform of I will make a vols car flag the city flag you would win you would win hand maybe it maybe a braves car flag might edge that out the brave balls combo right like for instance on each on depending on which side you're looking at it it's a brave slag on one side and it's a val's flag just house divided braves val's flag just house undivided that's right or if you if you wanted to launch an overpriced outdoors brand if you just took the a Auburn Braves axis the Bravesburn axis and put it together and made a sticker there was like Braves burn coolers only $9,000 they'd be like I need five right now. Right now. Sorry, Tython's going to have to wait. I got to have that cooler. My beverages need to stay cool enough.

My beverages need to stay cool during my stint with Sea Org. My beverages need to be near absolute zero. When I drink them, they should freeze my innards and leave me a cold huss of what was once a man. I don't think a husks is being cold. Thank you, Spencer, for putting that out there. Bravesburg Coolers. Leave you a cold husk of what you're for a cold. a lot of cooler that's only hospitable to beverages and tartagrades.

Nothing else. I'm so glad we're back to tartar grades. I am Spencer Hall. This is the Internet's only college football podcast. It's what you're listening to right now, joining me as always. Closer than ever, we'll just go in reverse order this time. Ryan Nanny in Nashville, Tennessee. Jason Kirk joining us from Enviaren somewhere in Georgia.

And Holly Anderson joining us from Atlanta. reverse order of what that was reverse alphabetical order usually we go additionally I love the word the use of usually it's amazing you know the regular systems I have going my head that I've never told anyone about would qualify all of you yeah like lay out all um we're holy shit we're coming up on 10 years we've been doing this shit but like lay out all those episodes and see if you can find a single rhyme or a single reason as to whether we even introduce ourselves at all. My wife's boyfriend, Steve.

I can't help it that I am muscle confusion the person, okay? Spencer Hall. Ryan, hum something tunefully real quick, or server hum something mournful. Spencer Hall was born without a body clock. You can help him and others like him. by sending us $7,000 or God will call him home.

When? Tuesday of three, maybe Thursday at 9. He won't know. Call it the 7,000 club, an invention of my own devising. Am I the only person that shocked that he finished the intro after all that time?

Like, it was a solid two and a half to three minutes. So, like, damn, my man is on fire. No, no, no. Here's the thing about Spencer is like, once the thoughts in his head, it's staying. Like,

Like, Spencer will be like, so as we said 90 minutes ago, I just want to finish that thought. He does this in real life, too, and I find that the best method to deal with it is with a squirt bottle, like a cat, because he will, you know, you'll be watching the British reality dating show Love Island, and he'll turn around, and he'll say, so the structural engineers were pretty sure that, and you're like, what? And he just looks at it, and he just looks to like, the building of the Hoover Dam. Like, it's the dumbest question you've ever asked. but i think he was born to podcast because he's never needed another person to have a conversation the rest of us are extraneous it's beautiful also it's his birthday he's like a tab left open just waiting for you a week from today a week from today he is he's that tab left open that's playing sound yeah i saw a train and i want to tell you about it i will listen to you talk about other things

but ultimately we will return to the cool train we're not really listening we're just taking at best we're taking turns i'm going to give you 90 seconds on trains and then eight minutes to tell me about a cool dog you saw on a train yes speaking up uh we do actually have nope stop there's actual color no no because i said i was going to derail you and holly said train and that made me think of derailment but if if the trains themselves are the derailment, have we in fact derailed at all? It's not about trains, though. It's not about trains. But trains provided the impetus. I love the outlet that we give Ryan to completely

blow up the show because in real life he is the one keeping us all on task. Here is my thing. How is it that every president we had of the first, like, let's say 20, how is it that most of them escaped assassination considering how embarrassingly easy it was to kill a president? Like all of the, all of the pre-Kennedy assassinations followed the same model. I walked up to him and I shot him super close. I have a one word hyphenate answer. Want to. Is that it? Because I think the pioneers had no initiative. But all you, that's not no, no, listen. They got, listen, you get, you participate in the land race. You've gone out and stolen a swath of Oklahoma from indigenous tribes and you've built a shanty that may get you and your 13 children through the winter.

I'm not going all the way back to Washington. I'm tired. But then you get syphilis. Like, you get syphilis and go insane. And that's what gives you the, like. But you can get syphilis anywhere. Teddy Roosevelt was almost assassinated, not when he was president, when he was running for president again after he was out of office, by a guy who had a dream that William McKinley came to him in a dream and was like, avenge me and pointed at Teddy Roosevelt. That was the whole reason he tried to shoot him.

and he did it for Jody Foster There have been dumber reasons to shoot people this week The guy who tried to kill Andrew Jackson Waited for him at the Capitol Excuse me, the hero who tried to kill Andrew Jackson He waited for him at the Capitol with two guns Both of which misfired And that's the only reason why he didn't kill Andrew Jackson

Like all you needed was one Was one motivated person With a gun Not even a good gun history is written by the victors and I think the actual reason nobody managed to kill Andrew Jackson was because there was a line out the door at all times

and it just clogged up the entrance they just couldn't get in the room I have two theories one George Washington was a big guy and legend spread of his size and people had it in their heads for like a hundred years that presidents are big until Abe Lincoln said no I could have beat

George Washington's ass and then they're like oh presidents can be defeated I will in fact try to defeat Lincoln and that was that proved successful my other is that those presidents were in fact assassinated they were simply replaced like oh paul mccartney or um who are the other ones that people have this that was katie perry is katie perry a clone i don't know sure like it's just one percent of every salary Gucci man Gucci man was cloned in prison yes was Lincoln the first built different president um i'm talking about the speech he gave or the quote he gave in which he said that he could have wrestled george what he basically called

George Washington is a panty waste. Yeah, he said George Washington is a rich preppy. Yeah, from Virginia. Us backwoods, Illinois folk would have no problem with him. Dunking on Virginia, by the way, a fine American tradition going back 200 years. The other reason why I think it was so easy to assassinate a president back in the day was you didn't even need to get a good shot. Like, if you, I think it was, I want to say it was, well, I forget who it was, so I'm not

going to fuck this up. but like if you just if you just got a wound chances are that like sepsis or the doctors treating the president like a fucking toddler at a sensory table would cause infection that would that would lead to the death of the dude anyway like you didn't have to be like oh man fucking right in the brain you know they were listen the wrong they had took the wrong approach because a gun was faulty but a bucket full of water would have done it in 1850 if you had just thrown unfiltered unclean water on somebody right the wizard of the wizard of Oz the wizard of Oz assassination just like dunk somebody in milk yeah just just just

hit them with some unpasteurized milk right they'll die of the shits right there really should have been it right like yes what work is done here i threw a thimble of vinegar at the president and he said so spicy and he evaporated or they were also or they were also drunk if you just like fed him a glass of water, right? Just handing him a glass of water. They'd be like, what is this? So when Teddy Roosevelt got shot by an assassin, the bullet was mostly slowed by a glasses case and a big speech he had like in his jacket pocket. And so he decided by blogging. He decided that's true. And this is why it's even more bloggy of him. He decided to give the speech like an 84 minute speech while blood was seeping through his shirt before seeking medical attention because he had yeah but like multiple

presidents did that kind of shit there was the one who like I forget which one during his inauguration he caught some horrendous disease and just William Henry Harris and remained online for hours and then died yeah yes perfect president by the way and that he gave a very long speech and then immediately died we're not doing what he loved exactly the most useful president ever what did you do I took office and then I died and handed it off to someone else. Wasn't it like, wasn't it 15 degrees and he refused to wear an overcoat and give an hour and a half? So there are some who say that this is not actually why he died.

And I think we've talked about on the show and that it was actually like the sewer lines in the White House were so backed up and terrible that he got like gaseous dysentery more or less. Well, there was no sewer line. It was an open sewer desk to the White House. That's what it was. It was just a poop field. Today we call it the Capitol building. Because we've always been a great country. The Capitol was located next to an enormous human night soil field.

So maybe that's why people didn't try to go kill the president. And they were like, oh, you got to get through poop field to get to him. It's impossible. Yeah, the part of it is like, why bother the country we've built will take care of it for, you know, like, why travel all the way to Virginia? that's like in those days it's like a 78 day journey just just assume the poop caverns will do it for you yeah it was just i like that after after lincoln there was no thought of like oh boy we should really not just let anybody walk up to the president you're like one bad apple why should we change the policy because of one asshole actor that's not fair to everybody else you just want to go back in

time though when you read about assassination attempts on other presidents that didn't work somebody attempted to or had a plot to assassinate William Howard Taff and you just want to roll up to them and be like bro not worth it not like just don't he's not going to do anything it's one of those long string of presidents who just like from from like 1918 to like 1932 they're just not going to do anything don't shoot any of them so let me amend this um I am surprised more I am surprised Herbert Hoover would like a word but James Polk made it part of his campaign I am surprised more people in history. If somebody had shot Wilson, I think we'd have a statue of him by now. Wilson, I think there was an assassination attempt against Wilson in Argentina. But it was like a convoluting. We're going to bomb his train. Was that Hoover?

It was Hoover. And it was the wildest plot. It was an assassination plot by, again, nothing but the finest plots here, anarchist. Remember anarchist in the early part of the 20th century, huge on-train assassinations. They're like, when's a man most vulnerable? You're like, when he's surrounded by a train. But as of now, taken down by one paperwork.

They're constant, consistent throughout history downfall. No project managers. It's kind of fucked up the anarchists were like, the ones who are like, no, we need an organized plan. It's like, oh, man, just fucking go buck wild. Yeah, anarchists love meetings. Just go punch the president really hard in the stomach and he'll probably die like King Hippo.

I still love me. I also appreciate Anarchist for what's the best way to kill a Russian czar? Apply explosives directly to him. That's it. Apply like, don't wait. Put explosives right on the czar. And that was an early infomercial. Yeah, just apply.

Apply directly to the boarhead. Yeah. Just put it right there. That's probably the best way to kill someone. That's why they're so good at gold line. That's why they're so good a cold knife. They get it. O.G. proximity

mine, Barrens. Okay, wait. So, you know the channel sticks things we just did about whether it's scientifically possible to knock somebody out by punching them in the butt? Yeah. How many presidents do you think could have been killed by one punch delivered at any point during their? Well, yeah. Oh, he would have made a good noise. Even Abigail Adams thought John Adams was a pussy.

But, uh, and Abigail Adams was the fucking worst. but like delivered at any point during their term in office, how many presidents do you think could have been killed with one punch? I'm going to start listing them, all right? It just all seems so brittle. Give me five. Just give me five. All right, all right.

My five. John Adams, without question. Both Adams is are one. Adams are one and two. Both of them. Yes. John has Warren G. Harding,

because I think something was just loose in there anyway, right? No, I got to dispute that hard. All the syphilis and the liquor. I think if you just hit him, something was going to pop anyway, right? Okay, okay. Okay. I'm going to say James Buchanan. James Buchanan, definitely someone that you could kill with a punch to the gut.

I think Franklin Pierce just seems like all of those pre-Civil War guys, a good punch to the gut probably would have put him down. Millard Fillmore, because, again, I just assume he was one of those guys who had gout and plurisy and every other sort of confused disease that was probably something else. Just a cyst of a man. Yeah, like, if you hit him, it would just pop a cyst full of, like, sour milk somewhere in his body. Yeah, toxins, the toxin sac. You just hit him.

Right? And he'd be like, well, man, how did you expect? A man named Millard is probably, like, second-office anyway. Oh, no, I have super appendicitis. This man is a, this man is an Eldon Ring boss. John Tyler looks like he's just made out a puff paste for you. Like, he looks like his skin is like a croak ambush. I will also say Chester A. Arthur, even though with padding, I think Chester A. Arthur,

he just looks kind of gouty. He looks like a guy that you could probably take down. I think you could probably line up Grover Cleveland against a tree and punch his stomach for an hour in a row. And he would just be like, I can do this all day. I think that's Grant as well. Like he's not even aware that you've punched him. I maintain that Harding is unkillable by any number of pharmacological or physical means, but the one I think you're really sleeping on here is Benjamin Harrison. Yeah, yeah, 100%. Because this is a time, think about this time at the, this is right before the dawn of the 20th century, right?

And, you know, cars are, cars are becoming a thing, and electricity is becoming a thing. And technology is outpacing at this point. point the care that people are taking about themselves you know i bet he was slipping in the hygiene department i i here's why i think industrialization made people cocky there's there's only one phrase you need from warren g harding's wisconsin's wikipedia page to to prove that holly is right harding lived in rural ohio all his life ah damn the end the end the list of things he was exposed to is slim everything i know about warren harding i learned from the

2012 biography by D.J. Burns the most hated on untold story of Warren G. Harding. Yeah. Which I think you can still get on the internet somewhere. In his completely factual retelling of the story, DJ Barnes includes things like Orangey Harding, Galactic

Cocaine Habit. What is Galactic Cocaine? It's super cocaine from outer space. It's a great book. I would also point this out. There's one other person I would tag on is definitely killable with a punch to the stomach. And I would go back time to do it while screaming anarchy just to confirm his worst opinions

and suspicions. It is Woodrow Wilson. Okay? Would I do this after Woodrow Wilson had a stroke? Yes. Yes, I would. Crippled in his bed. Plant that sucker right on his name. No, play the ball as it lies, man. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Should have been prepared. Should have been ready.

It is shocking. Given how easy it was to shoot a president, it is shocking that more presidents weren't punched in office. Like just out, out on straight somewhere because you know there had to be somebody who'd be like oh i want to fuck i want to fucking punch that guy so bad i the prime minister of australia still gets it to this day i think about 10 years ago the former p.m of australia was like actually clocked in the face by a guy who when arrested and asked why said i've been waiting to do that for years

guy was just walking down the street without a security detail and random Aussie just absolutely clocked up with a little with a little massaging this is an inspirational LinkedIn post it's important it's not okay this is where we go back to haters upworthy mm-hmm it's like live your dreams colon this man had a plan and he saw it through I think every president should probably be punched once a year or so they need They need to be reconnected to real America. We can have a lottery. We spend a lot of money on amenities for these folks.

Just make a holiday of it. Do it on July 4th. I don't care. Do it on Christmas. You know what you can serve at home while we're watching this on television? Punch. Who gets to do it? Watering.

Yeah, one American. I think it should just be Felder, but that's me. Listen. MMA heavyweight champion Francis and Ghanu. That's who gets to do it. I like the National Lottery idea. Yeah, yeah. I like that.

Then it's, you know, just some, it's like Cincinnati's being named emperor for a day. Just one hero steps forth. Maybe it's a child, and then we can all laugh. But still, that child's working out some frustrations on the president. Also, that child automatic TikTok star after this. Automatic, no question. Mm-hmm. I can just see, though, once we find out who that person is, the six-week prep period is going to get insane.

Oh, Joe Rogan's going to be like, come train with me immediately. No, it's like the next day. The Air Force One flies to your house and the president steps onto your yard. This is the state of any jubilee. The punch happens within three hours of selection. I know how this is going to go. Oh, yeah, they bring the president to you. I like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how this will go, though. house style. Most Americans are really servile and immediately defer to authority. So it will begin as an informal

tradition of like the gentle slap. And then in like year six, they're going to get like, you know, Steve. And Steve's going to be like, bro, I'm laying him out. I'm putting him down. I'm like, no, the ceremonial slap. He's like, no, no, no, no. You're getting the full beef.

All of it. I'm going to break a rib. You watch. bro I bet bro I do like if it's stipulated that it's a punch

in the stomach the secret service is like here's the line if you go above that line you will be vaporized but even

between the belt and ribs even that is a way to go right because what if you get like a terminal cancer patient it's like how do you die man oh he was shot by the secret service

after a nut punch the president yeah it's how he would have wanted to go He said so. It said his will. Yeah.

He's just sitting there like, yeah, his internet history is full of Boz Rutan liver plush. Hey, what if you made this like make a wish, but for grown-ups? Yeah. What do you want to do? I want to just absolutely hit the shit out of the president. That's my goal. Listen, I said this since before he had a podcast, so I get to be first in line. But I want to drop Joe Rogan into a vat of live crabs by pushing a large button that says crab vat.

Dare him not to. And then I bet he will. that's a yeah first of all that sounds like fear factor so joe take your own medicine sorry i said the word medicine joe i've had this for a minute i've had this for a while so you guys all have claws that's wild have you ever done have you ever had an experience with hiawaska oh i love that for you how so you're so you're saying so you're saying my face as you're eating it is giving you a masculine fortitude Dude, that's really interesting.

You're all going to, because I've read about this in ancient text, that you're all going to lose your shell, but then you get it back. That's insane. Joe Rogan's plummet is tragic to me because as a regular on news radio, he named my fantasy football team when somebody comes and looks over his shoulder and his character is watching a video and they're like, alien autopsy bloopers. And he turns around, again, in character or not. He goes, no, you don't understand.

They're authentic alien autopsy bloopers. Simpler times, man. Yeah, man. Speaking of simpler times. Yeah, Cowboy Sorone coming up next. Okay, first a word from Fleshlight. Fleshlight, Day 1 sponsor. Like, of all of the things, I do, like, you don't got to give it to him,

but dude reppping Fleshlight for like 13 straight years. Fleshlight does got to give it to you. That's like Flashlight's whole thing. Yeah, that is its purpose. If they don't, if they don't, you leave them a one-star review and you're entitled to a refund, probably. Like, where did a sponsor absolutely nail the core audience day one on a show? The Flashlight talk shit about the Chargers.

Flashlight will nail the core audience. So wait, is Homefield our Flashlight? Yes. Yes. In so many ways. I'd say the most horrifying sentence I have ever heard, Ryan. They absolutely are.

It envelops us. Yes. Podcast business. It's a business. Podcast business. What a business. Podcast business. We're going to plug stuff.

Shit. Are you clapping on one in three while you sing podcast business? I started to get off and then I just gave up. I think it was fairly resilient because three or four of us were clapping on all sorts of numbers to try and throw you off. I think it was clapping on like one and seven and a quarter. I was trying to get him to two and four. Clap it on the nines and tens. Anyway, we do this for a living.

We do. We do. It's true. On my end, Channel 6, the newsletter, as always, you can subscribe $10 a month for two things a week. We've recently, yes, discussed conference. expansion, but also Holly's obsession with tank gardening and the amazing engineering that went into it. Yes,

range, y'all. Range. You can find a link in my Twitter bio. It is at Channel 6 and it's good. You should subscribe to it. I do. It's great. Been all right this week about finding an EDSBSBS reader who has access to

forklifts and how we moved my garden across town because I'm a crazy person. I thought you're going to say it's Floyd. Yeah, also I'm going to be ready. I'm going to be writing about Shorzie, the greatest comedy that you should watch. It's a perfect television program. Perfect television program. Six episodes, very short, very profane, everything you want in life.

So Holly and Spencer have a tremendous newsletter, Channel 6, which is you subscribe to two things a week. I have one that provides two things a year. It's currently jasonkirk.f.i is the best URL I could acquire. And also I wanted to note that the many thousands of you who within the past two years have purchased The Sinful Seven, the e-book that Spencer and I did with Alex Kirchner, Richard Johnson, and Tyson Whiting, if you would like to leave a Goodreads review of that book, that would be highly appreciated. I'm verified on Goodreads, not on Twitter, so Goodreads is a superior social network anyway. Twitter took away my check. I'm excited to see the Goodreads community get a little. load of what reviews for this

cohort usually look like. I have a quick announcement. I am considering buying Splitzone Duo shirt.com because every time when they do a home field read, Alex is

like, hey, what happens when you Google Split Zone Duo shirt? And it's like, it goes not anymore, fuckface. Oh, we're doing it. We're doing it. What should we redirect it to? To a full cast shirt. Yeah. Yeah, redirected to pre-owned airboats.com, our website where you can buy better merch than those nerds at SplitZone Duo. Hey, okay, this is, sorry, I got something that's been on my heart for a second.

Is business concluded? Okay, I just finished watching the Obi-One show, which convinced me of nothing other than the Empire has always had better design sensibilities and not much else. what kind of dress shoes is Darth Vader wearing under that well he doesn't have he doesn't have legs so I guess he can wear whatever he wants like I figured they were the knee high I figured there were like knee high boots but I swear to God under his swirly robes on the volcano planet and this one it looks like he's wearing like wingtips like he's got socks stirrups on

kind of this is this is the portion of his his dark apprenticeship where he's getting his MBA. People don't talk about that. Yeah. Jedi is all all Birkenstocks and big wool socks. This is my legless torso in its flat front McWeldon pants. Those are definitely like food service

anti-slip shoes. No, no, no, but they're shinier. They're shinier than that. They got the diapers got the shoes for crews. Yes, thank you. I don't know, man. I wore those for years and these don't look like,

Maybe I didn't work in fancy enough restaurants, but these don't look like any food service shoes that I've ever come across. We had some high dollar shit at the fresh market back in the day. I kept these from my cater-waiter time. I'd like to remember who I am. I don't know why we're doing Bain voice for some reason. That's the voice that I did along with Vecna during the entire Stranger Things finale, because he just keeps reading to me as a dad who's trying to get work done, and all these kids keep coming into his office and trying to kill him.

Spencer relates to that. All the goddamn time. Right now, actually. Right now, right now as we speak. Right now! I own splitzonejoyshirt.com now. Yes. Take that, nerds.

Should have spent some of that sweet Patreon money, Kirsch. Idiots. See, cyberbullying gets a bad rap. You've been outsmarted by the morons. so what does that make you we should hey wait redirect it to the athletic

or the NFL hat can you just direct it redirect it to that hat that just like Roblo oh I forgot to tell you I own one of those hats now

how did what someone bought it for me okay I will I will in fact do we want it to be the nice one Yeah, we'll make it the expensive one. Wait, is there one with like gold braid on it?

Like an admiral's NFL hat? No, there's not one that sort of acquires that level of distinction, unfortunately. I am an admiral of the shield. You know what's great? Listen, and I know one of you is going to do this because, well, one of you is going to do this, but audience, for the record, don't tell them this. Let's see how long it takes them to listen to this. Because they won't.

Who's going to be the first one who figures it out? And it's going to be Alex because somebody's going to snitch and he won't let it rest. But I would like to imagine, I'd like to imagine it's Godfrey at three in the morning rocking a baby. I feel like it's Kershner because he notices things. Yeah. Yeah. And it will bother him. And Godfrey in four months after one of his kids, he used in the middle of the night.

Actually, this is great because Alex is an ideal disseminator because if it bothers him, other people are going to know about it. He's not going to keep it to himself. And let the one or two nerds who are, actually complain about that and go like, I can't believe the full cast did that to split so, too. I've always hated them. We've always hated us, too. You're just like us, idiot.

It's that whole little cadre of people who used to email me years after I left EDSBS. Anytime a fight broke out in the comments. Those people. You'll know who you are. We've anime-villened them again. I've already copied your counselor.

To be clear, though, this is worth it and we're never giving it back. And we're going to sell a lot of NFL logo hats. We're going to make a lot of money for the NFL. Now I really do want that same NFL logo, but with like little loops of gold braid on the top, maybe a little anchor charm. I want a Vietnam veteran style NFL hat. Yeah.

With like little shield shaped metals. Yeah. The NFL didn't kill me. Oh, my man. You were at the siege of Kansas City. Why do you have Buckeye stickers all over your NFL logo hat? That's the weirdest hat I've ever heard of answer the call, brother. I love it.

I want just a regression of Rob Lowe's, just little Rob Lowe's with the NFL hat on, making up the NFL logo on an NFL hat. Yeah, that's good. And Chad Lowe for the CFL. That's actually what it stands for. Chad fucking Lowe. Dust low Eat it, Rob So

speaking of weird coupling According to Dennis Dodd, the Big 12 was in deep discussions to add six teams Let's start with Let's start with this, I think The Big Ten added USC and UCLA Wait wait, hold on

Does Homefield have Ohio State? Oh, yeah No, they don't Okay, so I can't guarantee that the shirts will arrive covered in jizz Okay, moving on The Big Ten, which traditionally is Greater Ohio. Contains Ohio State.

Has since decided Greater Ohio extends from New Jersey to Nebraska, has now jumped multiple time zones and added USC and UCLA. And I realize this headline is a week old as of this recording. And I realize everyone has sort of moved on to like, wow, that's weird. USC is going to play in Penn State. you know and all that stuff and like oh iowa's offense against you know uh west coast athletes and so forth so on and so forth i have yet to move past how fucking far that is that's it that's where i am like we you know we thought it was hilarious and weird when um uh was it Idaho that was in conference

USA or whatever it was that that's that's my level of comfort with USC and UCLA being in the big 10 i have not moved like thinking about like recruiting and offenses and defenses and all that shit it's that's really fucking far also for those of you who get all your news from this show um just get a glass of water and strap in is it significantly weirder to you jason then like west virginia being in the big 12 that yeah is the closest possible this is like 10 times that it's what first of all it's farther and like and like west virginia you know they they had been in like weird conferences that sort of had no geographic whatever sure um and it's like west virginia is a constant desperation move

like every realignment decision they make when they were like begging to be led into the ACC a year ago and now they're begging for literally anything else like one West Virginia is hard to get to from other parts of West Virginia so that's a weird example right

there's no there's no good like Marshall is a haul from West Virginia right and West Virginia has been independent for spans of its history USC and UCLA have been in the same conference for a century

and now they're in the New Jersey conference. That's far. I think. Yeah, go ahead. I was going to say, don't you mean national conference, Jason? No.

No. No. You got to connect the fucking map. If you want to call it national, I need you to add Kansas, New Mexico State, Arizona State, UNLV so that you have an actual

contingentious empire. Longest Road. Yes. All you have done is planted a fucking outpost with no road connecting it. Every child, every woman, every man get the values

of the heart led Big Ten from Jersey to L.A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's forward settling. In Siv terms, this is forward settling, and you know what happens when you do that? You lose those cities.

Those cities, they flip to the other empire, so it's not going to work. It's so far. The thing I am stuck on is is not not the farness because I guess I just have immediately been like fine none of this will make sense I've accepted it I like the furnace it's it's I understand USC but give this is what this is what it is if you've already said the geography is immaterial that we're going to go ahead and take the the far-ass schools that are nowhere near where we are

that have no sort of like loose you know when Penn State joined the big 10 as from being an independent it wasn't like oh this is this is like so different or whatever but if you're already going to take USC why are you why UCLA I don't understand that the appeal here at all because you're not like broadening you're you're going to a very narrow part of the west coast you're adding your you're expanding your footprint by like a mile you are you are picking a team that has not had any like every the pact 12 doesn't have divisions anymore they got rid of him last year. But before that, every other team in the Pac-12 South had made the Pac-12 championship more recently than UCLA had. Like, why wouldn't it be Oregon? Why wouldn't it be

Washington? Why wouldn't it be Stanford? I don't, like, it seems like you could go and get somebody else more interesting and more appealing. The case where UCLA is baffling to me. And you can, like, listen, I understand that maybe you're saying, like, well, in other sports, use it's not about others like this is a football move if it were about other sports jason's argument is the best one because now you're like hey guess what guess what you all have to travel a million times across the country have a great winter yeah if they gave a shit about other sports well none of this would be sending track teams from new jersey to los angeles but what is the case for UCLA I'm ashamed that you have forgotten the the roseball yes now more

Big Ten teams play in the Rose Bowl. The serious and grave commitment that the Big Ten has to academic. The Big Ten, which includes such elite academic institutions. No, no. They let Nebraska in. Sorry. And Rutgers. Rutgers is fine

actually. Yeah. Actually, yeah. Is Rutgers fine officially? Because you're also missing the funniest angle of this entire story. Go and look up the current U.S. News and World Report public university rankings. And look Which conference just added one of the number one and two.

I can tell you this, because I can tell you, this is funny, I promise, the very first, I'm going to, hang on, I'm going to scroll down and grab the text that a Michigan booster of our acquaintance sent to me. And this person said, it's a screenshot from U.S. News and World Report and says, when I heard the UCLA news, my first thought was, oh, fuck, we can't have a higher ranked public university in the conference. second text. That's the worst thought I've ever had, right? UCLA and Cal are one and two in that top public schools ranking, a thing that nobody cares about people who are and aren't on it. So, sorry, sorry, Ryan, but the big tent's here to win on and off the field. Okay, I've heard this argument as well. Come on, double Dutch, Ryan, get in there. Aren't USC and UCLA the two schools we immediately think of when we go back to the recent academic bribery scandal? that was like three years ago

that's so long ago that was all about why you got to bring a bullshit that was all about athletics undermining academics why you money I think we all learned a lesson I think we all learned our lessons

Lori Lof had served her time and therefore all is forgiven she's she died for housewife in jail Ryan she died so that Pact 12 sins could be forgiven Ryan why wouldn't the big

tend take academic scandals trumping athletics. Is there something about them that that doesn't apply to? That's been them for a hundred and thirty years. I just

my mom is going to Japan and teach you read. What is what is? The papers to get me to the U.S. What, but what is there a case? Well, make it better. Is there a,

case for it because the other thing is like USC it's like okay potentially we want to get Notre Dame and Notre Dame is maybe going to be more interested if USC is already there because they can preserve rivalry whatever whatever UCLA doesn't have what is the UCLA rivalry that we were trying to reserve they're they're bringing along USC yeah they're bringing along USCLA versus UCLA's own attendance I feel like um is the argument that USC and UCLA one of them is usually good at any given point. When is UCLA good? They've had a few recent decent seasons. They've had a few eight win seasons, yes. Yeah, they finished like top 10 in the last decade at some point. UCLA, I look to say, I think UCLA has finished in the top 25 four times in the last 20 years.

Yeah, those are probably roughly correlated to years when USC was really bad. Oh my God. Listen, I'm not the Big Ten Commissioner here. I'm only saying that might be You sure about that, buddy? Have you checked your email? I just feel like they went with the USC, and so that drew everybody's intention. They were like, and also UCLA saw for the ride. Don't worry about it. With UCLA, you're adding a lot of banners and trophies and stuff.

You're adding a lot of Big Ten Legends, right? And like, you know, you have the basketball players. Oh, it's Jackie Robinson. They're doing it for Jackie Robinson to claim Jackie Robinson's legacy. God damn it. Probably in part, yeah. And I mean, like, if you look at the list of, like, shit won by Pac-12 teams, it's like U.S.E, U.S.C., U.S.S. U.S. Sure.

And then, and, like, every 10th one is UCLA. U.S.A. U.S. U.S. So you have taken the Pac-12's entire football trophy case, except for Washington has half a title, and Colorado has half a title that's probably headed to the Big 12. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Also, also, you know what?

you are the prime movers behind all of this and the prime movers right all of this are yeah it's me so Ryan Ryan Ryan is Ryan Ryan is Foxport so I'm the I'm the Big Ten Commissioner and Ryan is the

Fox Sports right now right now you are just throwing a gigantic sack of money going hey maybe you should get an idea about L.A. I'm not saying just go get them that's it if you are

if you are Fox Sports No network is more obsessed with the L.A. market than Fox Sports. None. Like none. You did all this to appease Joel Clat. They put Petros on television on purpose. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are joining the big tennis when I'm here. They are going to put, they are going to horn that foot into that shoe, right? Like they are going to make it happen. They are going to make the L.A. thing happen.

Right? Even if it is erratic, the numbers are so foolproof because it is such a huge market that this is classic spreadsheet thinking where they were like, acquire all L.A's teams. They're like, well, we can get USC and they'll acquire all. Is this? UCLA file found. Acquire. That's it. Like, this is the most algorithmic move because you go to these dipships who don't even know what UCLA is, right? And you go like, hey, there's another school.

They're like, go get it. you'll get it all it is is this like so every football league for whatever reason has been convinced there have to be

multiple LA teams the NFL has always wanted two NFL teams for no good reason the clipers existed in L.A. The only NFL team that L.A. likes

is no longer in L.A. But like I guess the Big Ten thinks it's the NFL and we need two NFL teams. I wonder if on some level this is the Big Ten had like a

decades of insecurity about being the farm conference and they're like no oh we're city boys now city we're city slickers we're in new new york iish the york chicago l a yeah we're in new yorkish chicago ish dc ish and and people made fun of those oh yeah well we'll go in a city we'll actually go inside the city the conference of stand-up comedy no they did just have they did just become the most please read my screenplay ass conference in the world they totally just did right so it's about a midwester Boy, he moves to the big city

and loses his citizens. Yeah, it is the most Purdue writing a terrible screenplay to submit to USC move I have ever heard in my life. So, U.S. cities by population, they now, quote, unquote, have the top

three. Number four, of course, Houston Cougars. I think you're getting the call up. Rice is an AAU. They could go at Rice. Yeah. Up next to be Phoenix. Acquire Rice. Up next would be Phoenix, and if you want to have this coast-to-coast brand, you need something in a state next to California to make it make any sense at all. So Arizona State to the Big Ten.

God. It's not academics. Of course. Why? Yeah. Why? What else would it be about? Okay, so Spencer, you are saying the Big 12 is talking to both Arizona schools?

This is the train I wanted to talk about. Yes. the six teams, according to Dennis Dodd, include Arizona, Arizona State, okay? Because, again, crabs in a bucket, if you try to take Arizona State without taking Arizona, they will drag you to hell. Some sort of horrible wormhole in Arizona politics is open if you do not take Tucson with empty. He and Kevin, he's my brother. Somebody would get killed.

That's my guess, like legit. If that happened. There's a lot of mind shafts down there. It's a master. Blaster relationship. Can't have a master without blaster. Yes. And so you have to take both of those, Colorado, Oregon, Utah, and Washington.

Those are the four schools in addition to the two Arizonas that would join the Big 12. To join what I think is a frankly kick-ass conference with the greatest, my favorite lineage in college football, which is not, no, old Rutgers, Princeton connection to the foundry. No, I care most about whether you were related to the Big Eight, the most agricultural conference in the history of college football. This is definitely that. Plus moving Colorado back to its prime spot in the Big 12, which now has like 28 members. I love that the Big 12, they could just merge with the Pack 12.

Just bring in all their stuff, but they're like, no, we don't want Stanford around. We don't want those low-life's wazoo in Stanford. yeah it's like we don't we don't want those nerds at Stanford we're not this isn't an academic enterprise the big 12 is honest you see we want UCF not Stanford this is the this is the episode this is the episode of the show by the way where the preppy gets thrown in with the uh with the bully the poor bully right they both get thrown in the same jail and they hash out their differences right like man i didn't understand you i didn't know what it was Stanford it was we were like, you know, respectful bros after that. Stanford's going to

join the fucking Mountain West and be like third to last in attendance. Grim. While having like a $7 trillion endowment and they have to play San Jose State on the road on Friday at 3 a.m.

Losing by 20 to Nevada. David John is 18th year as head coach. Like I sympathize with Oregon State, and I sympathize with Wazoo. I do not sympathize with Stanford or Cal. Cal, you should have

dropped football a decade ago. I have seen a lot of, just casually, a lot of Wazoo people be like, you know what? I'd be happier in the Mountain West anyway. Fuck them. Hell yeah. It's sort of the like, yeah, I want to live in a van. Wazoo, Wazoo join

the big sky. That would fucking rule. Wazoo in Oregon State, playing at Montana State. Let's do that. a year. Hell yes. Can't tell me either of those schools wouldn't feel welcome

at a place called Hellgate Canyon. Stanford's going to try and join the Ivy League. Stanford just getting absolutely cruised by UNLV. Usually we have to wait for the Las Vegas Bowl for that to happen. UCLA Maryland is the most Sun Bowl game I've ever heard of.

That should be an option where you can unlock that game. midseason if it's going to happen right like would you like to play the Sun Bowl early so you're saying we should have unlockable games in real life yes I love you should like like if you're both three and three at one point and it's

not looking great they're like would you like to sim to sun bowl this weekend there are a handful of schools that basically do this is like once they get to seven wins they're like yep we're already we're already going we're already going to the Independence Bowl we're already playing in the military bowl ticket punched

yeah that's yeah that's something to look forward to That's like how all the non-Nodername independence work, right? Like, BYU is like, BYU is like 10 and O, and they're like, Vegas bowl clinched. And it's like, you could shoot, you could aim higher. Nope, got to start selling tickets. UMass is like, we're 0 and 4 and we're declining a bowl just ahead of time.

Just in case, don't get greedy. UMass's dance court is full. When Notre Dame declined bowls despite getting invites, that's my favorite because the status conferred on your mediocre team is clearly indicated by the invite you're getting things like, hey, you guys can come on down to the Motor City Bowl any time you wanted. No, no, no, that's not us.

Bath, Notre Dame has diarrhea. Sorry. I love that year in hindsight where they're like, no, this is beneath us. And it's like, well, subsequent years proved it wasn't. All right, so Holly made me think of this by bringing up Syracuse. Where is the ACC in all of this?

Laying low. Quietly in a worse place than the Pact 12, IMO. I think worse than the Big 12. Worse than the Big 12. Yeah, because the Big 12, they can stock the kitchen apparently with the Pact 12. Whereas the ACC, they're sitting on Clemson, which Clemson and FSU, Miami, etc. If the SEC wants to expand, what else are they going to do other than just eat the ACC? The only, the, the, I think the good, and plus, we have schools at home.

The big 10 could always, the big 10 could always take UNC, Duke, Virginia. Yeah. And they, poof, the ACC is Wake Forest now. The ACC is quietly that guy, the ACC is that guy who's like, I did 20 in the military, got a pension, and I'm out. And suddenly's like, well, you know, maybe I should get another job, except that their job is locked in to, let's see, when does this? deal end? Oh, yeah. They're locked. It's good.

20, 36, I think. Also, they just got Notre Dame. They just got Notre Dame to agree to go to the dance with them as friends. And now, uh, Pac-12's crook and a finger. By the time this deal ends, some of the players they'll be recruiting by the time this deal ends are not born yet. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. My end, like real high chance of the world.

And the ACC is like, well, I got three years left in this deal. Yeah, ACC is like, finally we're out of the deal. Let's hit the market. There is no market. The market ceased. Just standing on the shore watching the tsunami roll in like Tia Leone and her estranged dad. That's so specific of a reference. I know you get it.

I know. That's the problem. So it feels, the ACC, feels to me like the group of criminals who have got together. I thought you were going to say they're a group of ten conference. I guess I guess the movie trope rather is

the criminals who have been put together for a job but they don't really trust each other and you're just waiting for them one of them to like shoot the other. Like it's just like who will double cross when and they all know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of like when will it start and how. They have so nowhere to go because when in recent memory do we have any

evidence of that happening yes I did go through this whole initial news release without remembering that the alliance was a thing did we even did that whole thing come and go while we were on hiatus

it didn't even last a year yeah also Ryan has described lacrosse reservoir dogs yeah like the only people lax is death blam blam blam

the only only people who are even in play for this. You can't all be Mr. Cerulean. God. Mr. Skyblue. I'm Mr. Nettuket Red. Call me Mr. Netsuggan. I'm cornflower.

Mr. Old Gold. Stay out of his periwinkle. Georgia Tech's just like, I'm just happy to be in the heist. Just thrilled to be here. Honestly, maybe the best, based on what we said about him last week, the best thing that could happen for Georgia Tech would be for the ACC to fall apart. I mean, the sunbelt's right there. Georgia Tech's like, oh, no, look at all this rubble. Oh, who's going to claim the song?

Oh, no. Join the Sun Belt. You can play all your games. You can walk to Georgia State. You'll save so much money on travel. Yeah, it's more efficient. You're engineers. You like efficiency.

You'll undercut the rivalry with Georgia because, oh, Georgia's so happy to be to sunbelt team. Calm down. They're scared. They're scared to play us now. Yeah, soon there's going to be like, there's going to be like nine Georgia schools in the sunbelt. Like, like, they can't. Divided into the gnats and not gnats divisions.

That's pretty good. Yeah, no, yeah, the nat belt. Actually, the nat belt divides it pretty evenly, doesn't it? And the nat belt could be the conference trophy. I've got the net belt, like a giant golden net. Yes, like an actual belt with little, like a little jeweled antenna. I don't know if Nats have antenna. Don't happen.

For our purposes, they do. I was, I was picturing more of, like, a belt made of, like, the fly paper with Nats all over. What if it is, like, you have become, like, you are, um, snow white cleaning the cottage and you are encircled by Nats. Nats orbiting you. They're not, they're not biting you. They're just, they're, like, a hovering, what if it's, like, a mobile that you can hang above the secretary's desk in your admin office? If you have a halo of Nats.

That's why we got a pageant for Ms. Nat Belt. Miss Nat Belt. This Friday. Girl most likely to draw flies. The, um, so the ACC... For my talent portion, I'm sorry, go ahead. I will be skinning a deer. That's really close to what I was going to say.

Yeah. I feel like the ACC's ceiling here is if, like, they can somehow hang on to their, like, grasp on like one of Notre Dame's hands even though Notre Dame will just like shit money on the ACC in order to get out of that deal but like what else like what do they get West Virginia like what like I know we love the pairing of Notre Dame in West Virginia for a million reasons but like then what then where else do you go okay sure fine fine sure just anyone any any warm body any warm body they're gonna end up with Liberty

Once 2036 rolls around, Morton Joe's going to make a bid for the rights, it's going to be great. Drop the Yukon and walk away. Oh, God. After all of the grim shit we've said, that is what made me feel a little queasy. Things aren't that bad.

I know he just said, I know he just said the world's ending in 2032, but let's not go to adding Yukon grim. Do not drink too deeply of the cheer wine. I don't know, man. Bob Diacca's so handsome. He's got pageant face. I don't even know where he is anymore.

Isn't this Bob? It's fine. We've lost contain. Bob is for the New Jersey Generals of the USFL. Oh, good. Sure. He's home. Jersey.

He's home. Yeah, by the way that's... It's Robert now. Wait, is it? I'm just saying that. Robert Diac. I would believe you without, for the record, if you had stuck to that, I would have believed you without question. Roberto.

Bobby Diaco here. Bobby Diaco's place. Bobby D. 31 million dollars, the Big Ten gets compares to the SEC's total, which should be about $44 million, although perhaps higher around 50 in current payouts, which compares with the ACC's, which again, locked in. Before I tell you what the sum, the sum. total of what they get per year to give you an idea of the differential between the ACC's payouts and everyone else is in the major college football world. Just remember, an annuity is an important thing to have financially, okay? Nothing compares the steady income. Sure, you could try yourself

on the open market, but where's that going to go? Mike go up. What are you calling an annuity, bud? The annuity coastal conference. Coastal. Guaranteed. Locked in. Locked in. $17 million per school. So roughly half of what everyone else and what would be the major college football world is getting. I mean, I think once the big time gets a new deal, it'll be like a third of the power too.

Uh-huh. It'll be a third. All right. Also, by the way, the recently expired Pac-12 deal will go, well, at least it's not the Pac-12. deal they were getting 21 no and there's expires more than a decade sooner oh yeah no 2024 and boy that's going to be a hot market for that Oregon State who wants Oregon State the Oregon State Stanford media deal so here here's my next question when do we get to the part

that hasn't no it's not never happened but I can only think of one time it's happened it was under very certain circumstances when do we get to the part where these conferences start kicking out the schools that they're like, we don't need you here. We don't think you add enough value and we would rather either keep more money for everybody else or open up a spot.

I am waiting for the Big 12 to do that right now in favor of chasing like hang on to maybe Houston and then go chase a bunch of other Pack 12 schools. Like replacing BYU with Utah. Because like

that would put Utah on power conference. Do you know? You know, Utah is in a conference. Because every argument you could make for like why this wouldn't happen has just

of like, well, tradition. Yeah, nothing's off the table. Right. So if you are Northwestern, why would you feel confident that you will still be in this conference in 10 years? And it's kind of disorienting, isn't it?

The Chicago market, Brian. I'm sorry, Chicago's college football team is Western Michigan. establish this but it's it's i get what you're saying right it's kind of disorienting because there's all this shit that we toss around for fun and all of it is suddenly out there in the physical plane yes right as happening and that's that's unsettling there are no loss there are no guys we're not thinking enough like proper american executives though what we need to do in order to salvage the acc here is we need to create value and by create value i mean gutting

the payroll, reducing the amount of money paid out to each total, like not reducing the money amount of paid out total, but the people paid out too, to cut the payroll, okay, to increase our stock, right? By damaging people fly. I know you're going someplace really stupid with this, and I can't tell where.

Finally, these Fat Cat Boston College CEOs will be brought to task. Correct. What have they brought to the show? Okay. What exactly do you do around here, Boston College? They're out, okay? Duke University

You can say As we thought Anti-Catholic Street continues It turned against the Jesuits No longer like space Yes Georgia Tech gone Go ahead

Boot them out Okay You guys can go down to the sunbelt All right For lack of performance Justifiably If I went by the record And said

No sorry You're not bringing enough It's amazing how many cuts Wake Forest to survive so far Mm-hmm Mm-hmm They're going to survive my cut as well UVA, you've brought nothing to the conference

your entire time. We're going to go ahead and boot you out. Wake Forest is thriving. Yeah. Oh, there's no way we're kicking Wake out. Wake is the most ACC team. When they go, hey, we need to preserve brand identity. I'm like, we need Wake Forest.

Yeah. We need a literal gated community of a campus. I thought you were thinking like a bloodthirsty CEO. I think now this Blood Thursday CEO is a Wake Forest alum. Oh, he's going to drain all the money from Wake Forest. They just get to stay as a meaning of centrifuge. Oh, okay. So they're like a Shattel, they're like a Shattelan.

It's like Dave Cawson, you now make $75,000 a year and you have no recruiting budget. Make it work. Corporate rating Wake Forest and taking all their trees. We're loading them up with debt, and then we are exiting with profit. They're giving them all of Miami's debt. That's right. I'm glad you see how this is going to work. The University of Louisville, gone.

Absolutely gone. get pizza. And then we flip Wake Forest in an IPO as long as we can get them a billion dollar valuation. It's fine. I'm excited to start our business school. You're going to be left with NC State Wake Forest. Condi Nast buys Wake Forest. It all works out. Yes. No. Do we keep we have to keep, we have to keep Notre Dame as shadow partner. But again, remember, we're thinking corporate wise, so we've already made them a subcontractor. They're not really all the Notre Dame is the McKinsey in this example, where they're getting a lot of money to give as bad advice.

Exactly. They're like in the budget, they're listed as essential vital consulting fees. $10 billion a day. Daycare canceled, right? I like that your first move was kicking out one of their rivals and one of their like religious cohorts. Yes.

They don't like competition on that front. Exactly. Exactly. Like, that guy? Which guy? Yeah, the guy up there on the poop deck. Which guy? Notre Dame walks in and they're like, get rid of the team whose helmets are exactly like mine and they believe the same stuff we do. And they're also a private school and they're basically just us with lobsters. Also, dissolve the U.S. Navy. With the ACC, we can't do that. But what does your name mean then? Suddenly kind of weirded out that Notre Dame is a brand in Boston College isn't. How did we let that happen? Lies, lies.

Boston College being honest, never lied about themselves. Notre Dame is built on lies as a football program and exaggeration. Is it, is it this, is it Notre Dame is already the most Boston college football team? Wow. If we're talking about lies and legends and shit, because all of Boston's pro teams are nothing but lies and myths and folklore. Yep, yep. So Boston College was always inherently Indiana.

Gotcha. We got to get rid of two more to go. ahead and have the payroll here. I think that's, yeah, again, we've got, again, this is a bloated payroll, gentlemen and lady. We, consulting is fun. Consulting is fun. We're going to, listen, I'm sorry,

I'm here to trim the fat. All right, and by trimming the fat, I mean, telling, speaking of fat, we're going to send Pittsburgh out. What? Wow. Yeah. You fool. A big East imposter with a market that cares more about the NFL.

If we wanted the Steelers, we just go get You just said that, but you're keeping Miami. If they were rich, they'd have their own stadium. We're keeping Miami for breakfast. They save money. They don't have their own stadium. There's no rent. No.

Yeah. We're keeping Miami for tax shelter purposes. Please see the signs. Florida. In addition to that, I think we can finish it up. It would be deeply unfair to cut NC State because they are trying, because they have invested a lot of money in football. Trying at what? Yes.

and because they've made such strides, which is exactly why I'm going to cut NC State because we're going to keep you as, yes. Because again, we're in the hands of the Chapel Hill Mafia and any ACC fan listening to this would instantly agree with me. I have cut 17th from the ACC, instantly doubling the payoff!

That's it. That's it. Look at that. There we go. All right. It's the framed peanuts art on the wall behind you that is really adding gravitas to this moment. It shows that he's human as he calls the conference. I got kids. I love kids. On toast.

Miami made me think of something completely unrelated. Eric Adams, the mayor of New York, is taking jet ski lessons, plural. Yeah. What is there to learn? Jet skis are the thing, are probably the vehicle that we have decided as a society required the least amount of instruction necessary to a renter, to a purchase, or whatever. What kind of amazing scam is it to be like, yes, I charge the mayor of New York for jet ski less since I charge his $20,000 a day. Didn't he lose all of his money by taking his paychecks in crypto? I believe that also happened, and now the rest of it is going to jet ski instruction.

He's a weird guy. I saw someone on Twitter who just quote tweeted some other stupid thing, Eric Adams, had done with mayors just be out there doing things, which is true. Mayors just out there doing stuff. What are the instructions? Like, what do you tell somebody on a jet ski? broom? Keep it in the water. Yeah. You go on this

side of the water. Keep it in the blue stuff. Does New York have like an arcane list of jet ski rules like taxi etiquette that we just don't know about? That's possible. Yes, there's no right on red in a jet ski in New York. I hope it's actually that it's just horse instruction, but just control F. Jet ski dressage. Yes, it's jet ski dressage. And it's like, okay, first thing you got to do is

bond with your kawasaki all right you two have to be at the same place your kawasaki loves carrots and it loves sugar cubes but you can't approach it directly from the front or it'll get angry that's right yeah yeah if you if you don't groom your kawasaki carefully it's going to be cranky with you because it's going to get flies however we do not accept eric adams as a horse girl no no no absolutely no no absolutely not nor brony nor brony he's out of both camps no Also, to whoever asked us if Eric Adams was the first full cast-approved mayor, what on earth in the history of the show makes you think appearing on this show constitutes approval? Do you know how much we talk about Texas A&M?

Are you new? Texas A&M should do something flossy like buying the ACC foolishly. Texas A&M already has done something flossy. Texas A&M has gone out here and been like out. The gall of Alabama to accuse us of inducing recruitment through finance. How dare you just... And then there's video of an A&M assistant in the stadium being like, look at all these rich people who are going to give you money if you come here.

Jimbo's hair islands are looking real flossy. Oh, even... No, saying I believe the context was even worse. Ryan, I think he said all of those people pay to see, you know, you play. So you better perform for... No, no, it was far more... direct than that it was like these people if you come to A&M these people are going are going to like provide yes it wasn't some sort of subtle mafia like if you take care of no it was like very

direct this is why they need to buy Arizona State University I think they call it straight buy it outright yes herm would sign those papers he wouldn't even know what he was doing sure whatever sign it get out of my office I think the best thing about the jimbo saving thing is Jimbo managed to attempt this transmogrification of Sabin saying A&M's paying players and he managed to attempt to make it about A&M is doing crimes no or not no one said you were she said you're paying players and you are good you better not accuse us of crimes because you don't have proof or warrant and I never robbed a diaper bank either stop asking Jimbo invented a cop to be mad at

and named that cop Nick Sabin and like Sabin was right that's You're real mad. That's cool. That's entertaining, but you're mad for no good reason. Speaking of A&M, I have a proposal that I think we can all walk away happy here, okay? It is clearer and clearer that there is a power to in college football. It's been the case for several years, and it's only becoming more and more so the Big Ten in the SEC. The Big Ten has things it quote fingers carry.

about. We've mentioned those things. Things like academics, whatever the fuck that is. The Big Ten has told a lie for many decades about its interest in that substance. I'm not sure if it's a mineral or a natural resource or something that's dug

out of the ground or something that's hunted or I don't know what it is, but the Big Ten loves it. You can find it in the gland. It's in whale glands. You have to get it out of whale glands. Oh, that's why they're going more oceanic. You have to earn it. On the seas, no man cheats fate so um seeing as 15 of 16 big 10 schools are in the aAU sorry to say that on scott frost day um let's just-oh is it Nebraska is it yeah Nebraska Nebraska

Nebraska so the thing is Nebraska are they the dumb boys of the conference well let's look at it like this Nebraska used to be really good now they're not I know I know we don't have any other context in which that is true, but that is the case with academics. So the AAU, the Big Ten gets all those schools, okay? That's 65 schools. That's one big-ass conference, all right? You're picking up Arizona, okay? You're picking up Buffalo. That's a good value. Picking up Cal, you want those West Coast academics. Colorado, Duke. You want Duke anyway. Florida's finally playing road games outside of the South. How about that? You're adding Georgia Tech's robotics programs.

You're having Kansas basketball? This is going great for you. Famous academic institution, Kansas basketball. Yeah, yeah. Listen. You might say this sounds bad for the SEC because you're losing Florida. You're losing Texas. You're losing A&M.

But I think you're getting rid of a lot of dead weight. A&M is in the AAU? Yeah, you're getting, well, meat science. You're getting rid of Andy. You're getting rid of Andy. Okay, that's good. You're getting rid of Missou. That's good.

Oh, finally. And look at all that dead weight. Unbelievably delicious. You're getting rid of dead weight, Vandy, Mizzou, in Texas. That's pretty good. Also, you're getting rid of Nick Saban's Arch Enemy Jimbo Fisher, who's legally paying recruits. So, like, this is going great so far for both sides.

Big Ten, you're also, you're adding Virginia. Look at all this stuff that you kind of are eyeball in anyway. Pitt is now in the Big Ten. Penn State can't duck Pitt anymore. Pitt's a better school than Nebraska. That's what it says right here. We've always said that. That's what it says right here.

That's canon, yeah. And, you know, Big Ten, you're adding the Ivy League, which is the conference that you tell lies about being. Meanwhile, the SEC has just ballooned to 98 schools, just in FBS alone. Plus, if the Big Ten is adding FCS schools, Ivy League, the SEC is now adding all of FCS D2, D3, except for, like, fucking Johns Hopkins and whatever.

And the SEC now has the, Big Ten Kryptonite, which is North Dakota State. So whenever there's any sort of a battle between these two conferences, you just tell the Big Ten, shut the fuck up, or we'll send North Dakota State in. And the Big Ten backs down in fear, cowers. Oh, no. Yeah, don't do that. They're serious, Jordy.

So there, everyone's happy now. All the quote-unquote smart schools get to, like, do an academic consortium or whatever the fuck. And all the football schools get to play football. Nerds versus jocks, you've said. I love consorting. Sure. Sure, and like all these 7,000 SEC schools, they're all good schools. All schools are good.

The only thing that ends up being confusing about this is that it's like, Fox Sports, the home of the smart schools. We got big brains. Look at the size of the brain on Cletus the robot. We're visual learners. The Kansas University basketball teams. medical school. Our mom said we needed extra time on our tests.

I mean, Big Ten, if you're really about it, if this is like academics, if this is some shit you really care about, why is Rice MIT not a Big Ten football game? Answer the question. Answer the question. They can even change the name of the Big Ten to Lernid League.

Oh, God, it's right. Jesus. Learners and legends. This does get us closer to my of Alabama being required to play one Ivy League school every year in football in Tuscaloosa in September as an exhibition game 5,000 degrees

and Alabama in the second quarter is up 56 zero on the future war criminals of the world of Yale I'm going to say the number of fans who might die in the stands may actually improve the American economy in the long-term aggregate so much sunburn

oh my God oh I'm sorry you you got melanoma. You can't go raid the corporate, uh, pretend that had an end to that sentence. Jason, I'm also assuming that in, in this case, the SEC keeps its name, which means at North Dakota State games, you're chanting SEC, SEC, right? Yes. Yes. As North Dakota State is obliterating, um, Maryland or Iowa or Texas A&M, Texas A&M, once they become a big 10 school, they, they are now useless against North Dakota State. Right, right, right. Ryan, to your point, do you happen to, uh, You've been there, Ryan.

Would you like to tell us what city in North Dakota, North Dakota State is located in? I don't remember this. I haven't, I don't think I've been to. Oh, good. I can tell you. It's in Fargo. Would you like to know what quadrant of North Dakota Fargo is located in? Please tell me.

That would be the southeast. Wow. The prophecy. It's being fulfilled. It's about a third of the, it's right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Right on the eastern border with Minnesota, about a third of the way up the Y axis of the state there. Yeah, and like, if you take all of America and you include Alaska, like just all that geography and run the math and whatever, all of this is the southeast. All of this reminds me of like when before the NFL did its most recent realignment, and they were like, I don't know, the bucks play the lions and the backers of the, that's who they're with.

Yeah, the Falcons are in the California conference. That's what the Big Ten is doing now. That's what the Big Ten is doing in real life. It is dumber than our made-up scenario. You know what, Big Ten? Everyone loved it then and they'll love it now. Somebody pointed out that the Big Ten's map now looks like every Pro Sports League in 1955, like before there were any Atlanta teams when it was all like, Boston, D.C., L.A.

Dust! Just ride past all the dust to get to California. That was a, right now, what they have, is they have my favorite trade-off, which is not unlike the trade-off that used to exist in the old NFC situation that you describe, Brian, where Tampa Bay, for instance, used to have this lovely trade-off. Green Bay fans would come down to Tampa in the dead of winter and experience sunshine and get vitamin D and get a little taste of what life could be like if they didn't live in Green Bay. And in return, Tampa Bay got to play in a driving blizzard and lose by 28. that was and get frostbite because they didn't have adequate clothing. Now what you get is you get a break where you get,

ah, Michigan can go to L.A. And they can play USC or UCLA. And it's magnificent and it's warm and it's a great diversion. And oh, no, maybe we'll go to Universal Studios on Friday. It'll be crazy. And in return, USC gets to go play at Ann Arbor in late November. Please make... It gets dark at 1.30.

Please make Michigan USC the new game Like make that the after Thanksgiving rivalry Because like when we were in Ann Arbor for the last time The most recent time that Michigan beat Ohio State Because Michigan always beats Ohio State Like seconds after leaving the stadium was like Holy fuck this is the most depressing Same thing I've ever seen

Just creeping out in the gray in the gray light With the taillights in front of us Yeah it's like this couldn't be captured I've seen, you know, lots of pressing. Yeah, Spencer had the window open, which you could probably tell by the noises he's making.

So, I didn't know this, but Jason made me go and look it up. So Nebraska was in the AAU until in 2011 it got kicked out. Like the first time in over 100 years, just because it was basically like, yeah,

you guys are not. Because it had been a long time since Tommy Frey. You're not doing enough fancy school stuff. But one other school left voluntarily at the same time because they basically saw the writing on the wall. Please tell me it was Florida State. Iowa State.

Syracuse. What? Syracuse is basically like, we're good. We're fine. We don't need to, we don't need a final judgment here. We don't even want your little club. Just not coming back for the security deposit. That's right.

It's like, you can't suspend my license if I tear it up right here in front of you. Like as the journalism profession is dwindling Syracuse, it's like, let's just sneak out while the focus is fine, Nebraska. It's fine, it's fine. Really, I do also think Texas A&M really is just Purdue with confidence. That's really what they are. If Texas A&M...

Yeah, no, no, no, school-wise, just think about it. If Purdue, you took all of Purdue and you moved it to Texas 100 years ago, and you let it get confidence and sunshine, and you're like, why don't you wear some big boots and be real loud? If Purdue got to punch the president in the stomach. That's right. If Purdue, yeah, well, a little culty. Think of how much, if the big, if the quote-unquote big drum was from Texas,

we'd all, we'd all imagine it's bigger. Oh, my God. Like, we would all feel like it actually is a big drum. I think it actually would be bigger in this case. Like, Purdue is. I think it'd be like, big text lives inside this drum. That's how big it is. Like, we would play along with the drum being slightly large.

if it was from Texas. Oh, you're moving? Yeah, we're going to live in the archology formerly known as the Texas A&M drum. Two twin brothers separated at birth. One fed on Texan optimism and lunacy, given large states under the sunshine, right? The other force to sleep on concrete without lights.

Right in Indiana. Imagine if we replace Miss Revelty with Purdue Pete, and they're doing... Purdue came in our classroom. classroom and barked and so everybody gets the day. A&M is doing their five minutes hate midnight thing like they're they're doing their they're screaming while grabbing their nutsacks and they're screaming at Purdue Pete who is just staring back. I'm now imagining outside of Purdue Stadium a graveyard or Purdue Peas. Former Peets. But the headstones are just shaped like the head.

The graves aren't deep enough so the top of Purdue. Pete's head is sticking out. No, no, no, was Purdue Pete the first minion? Head sticking up like fucking diglet. The, um, here's the thing. The graves are all empty. The original Pete still walks among us. He cannot die.

Oh, shit. They keep trying to kill him and crown a new Pete, and then the next day, he's back. He repeats. Purdue repete. God, damn it. Sorry. The repeater.

I'm just kidding. I've never been sorry in my life. I don't really know what it is. Inside of you, there are two wolves. One is a fascist collie, and the other is a psychopathic handyman. They are boyfriends. Kiss. Pretty a Pete. Go to Texas.

fulfill your destiny. No, you were right. They're exactly the same. Thank you for leading us down this path. You know how there are shrimp. And some of them are big and bold and raised in the sea And some of them are tiny and pale and live in caves That's Purdue and Texas A&F

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