Shutdown Fullcast - DIY DISASTERS, PART 1

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

At the intersection of “self-confidence” and “structural fire” you’ll find three of the most dangerous words in the English language: Do It Yourself. On this Fullcast, we review your tales (or, often the tales of your dads) attempting to remake the world and the catastrophes that result. Tune in next week for Part 2! The most ambitious piece of checked baggage in the history of air travel Perils of washing your bowling ball How to identify the point in a YouTube repair video when you need to call a professional DON’T MAKE YOUR OWN POOL CHEMICALS Treehouse inspections gone wrong The Legend of Double Broom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

...on... ...and... welcome to the shutdown full cast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall i am joined as always by ryan annie jason kirk hello anderson and on the ones and two's Michael, server. Hello. How are we all doing? Disastrous.

I'm having a small existential issue. Yes? Like a new one? Yeah, it is a new one. I saw, admit it's been out for a while. I saw the most recent fast movie. I just really didn't like it. I just really didn't like it at all.

I'm sorry, what recent fast movie? Fast X. I think this was. Sorry, the series ended at Fast 8. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right, I feel better now.

Because I was like, am I just like old and cranky for not liking this movie? No. No, you just don't like the remake. It's cool. Okay. Jason is correct. The series ended with Fast 8, and there's nothing to worry about. And you don't even have to watch past 7.

Eight's just bonus material. Eight's when they go to heaven. Deleted scenes? Yeah. Is that not the director commentary? Yeah, I think so. Ben Affleck for no good reason. Possibly the dumbest thing FastX does is it relies heavily on the events of Fast 5 and reminds you that Fast 5 happened.

Which is because they know when shit was good. Right. But it really stands and start. It's like if you went to a rest stop Wendy's and it was like, oh, hey, before you order, remember the best meal you ever ate in your life? Why would you do that, Restop Wendy's? Do you remember, do you remember the McRib? Yeah, that was a different restaurant at a different time.

You can't get it here, but it was really good. I'll take anything at Wendy's over the McRib. No problem. I think I would too. I really do. Like, the McRib, for all of its Ballyhoo, excellence, is kind of terrifying. I'm just going to go ahead. Conceptually, yeah.

Somebody's got to say it. Conceptually and an execution. It's a horrifying thing. I think its entire gimmick is that it isn't available sometimes. Yeah. I don't equate that personally with quality. I mean, that marketing strategy worked for the bubonic plague. Now back!

Should we cut this podcast down to, oh, it's a way out? Like, they only do seven episodes a year, and therefore it's fucking choice. Is it good? No. Is it limited? Absolutely. Right. It's back.

It's back. Darren Aronofsky just announced that his latest movie will only be viewable in one movie theater in the world. And I appreciate that because now I don't have to go to the effort of avoiding it. Don't you want to go see this terrible movie? You couldn't even if you tried. Exclusive. That's where the McRibbs are. I'll also say at FastX because I saw it in a Tampa movie theater.

Perfect. I'll see. You went to Mecca. The two women next to me both took their shoes and socks. off. Hell yes. I love it. Like, just like at a holy site.

That happened to me too. Last week at the movies. She was right in front of us. Ryan, you weren't even here and server was talking about this. This is crazy. She took her boot off, took her sock off, and then scratched her foot. And then I watched her use the same hand to eat popcorn. Oh, no.

Okay, Sharon. Okay. At first I was thinking this was at the side of Jason Mamoa, everyone's disroving. But now, I don't know. I don't think I understand theater culture anymore. I'm going to go ahead and engage in the tyranny of small details here, server. Was it her popcorn alone? Or was she sharing it?

No, it was her family, her son and her husband. Inexcusable. Her son was so goth, and I so know why. But, I mean, I knew what I was in for when they were, when we got, my wife and I had the theater to ourselves. When we first sat, sat in, we knew some people would probably come. They walked in and they say, oh, we have, they look at us and they say, oh, we have the whole theater to ourselves. I was like, bitch, that ain't what that means. We did have the whole theater to ourselves.

Yeah. And then they sat right in front of us. Because I will, I will say, if this was her popcorn, her feet, that's fine. That's a closed loop. It's extra cheese. You do whatever you want, right? That's fine. Parmesan popcorn.

Yeah, you're happy consuming, you know, like. like shed cells that are yours. It's fine. That's fine. That's Yacca Valley cheese, baby. It's gross, but that's a risk you only share with yourself. If it's the family popcorn, that's unpardonable. Yeah, that kid loves under oath.

Speaking of Tampa. Yeah, speaking of Tampa, Tampa does sort of have a do-it-yourself feel in every sense of the word, right? Whether it's city planning, do it yourself. Put a strip club next to a church, perfectly acceptable. Law enforcement. Right? Put a share. office next to a pool supply place better yet put the pool supply place inside the sheriff's

office which has inside it a strip club that that to me is the ultimate DIY is this a forced segue hell yes it is but after a long absence we are going to announce this episode this is a do-it-yourself DIY a lot recently yes it's been a minute street needs this oh between disasters episodes are like the McRibb. It's back! It's back! You know, the full cast itself is a DIY disaster? Is it not? Because this podcast was once, like, it was started before we literally had any clue, like, how to post podcasts. Like, that was the level of expertise that was going on. Like, where do you put them? And then how do they get there? That has definitely changed. Technically, I don't, I don't know still. And now. And now,

now this baby's up to code go away building inspector everything's fine ceiling's great but yes do you have before we begin around the room your own personal DIY disasters i will state my own frequent but less frequent than they used to be because i just call people now i love professionals yeah yeah call professionals give them money they fix it it's great um i when i was a child i was asked to help with a lot of uh projects my dad and my brother are very handy and i am only like i'm okay but i'm not great and i don't love it i will do it but as a surly preteen i really didn't want to do it and so i would frequently find excuses

i'd rather be horse jumping i would rather be horse jumping and by that i mean jumping over horses karate kick style oh no i meant wild hard kept me broken style sorry um i vividly remember at one point being asked to help i think we were cutting up a tree that fell and i was just it was hot and i didn't want to fucking deal with it and i was about to start with the electric chainsaw and my dad was like hey do you know that you have the extension cord wrapped around the blade right now i was like whoops sure don't thank you for that father thank you for saving me as you've done so many times yes yeah that's perfection though like that's exactly what you didn't actually do the thing where you go hey did you know you just

severed sure the blade or severed the cord i didn't i didn't i didn't actually uh risk grave electrical injury to myself or i didn't actually encounter it i just came close that just that just goes to show like you shouldn't immediately give up and assume that you've entered disaster territory. Because I was like, Chelsea, do you have any disasters? And she was like, oh, remember when we were taking down the wallpaper in the bathroom and pieces of the wall came off? And then we had to use the textured stuff all over the wall and paint that. And I was like, well, that's, see, that's not a disaster.

So don't always just give up unless your life is in danger, which hers was not, because it was just little pieces of drywall that were coming off. Not that big a deal. Right. Little pieces of the wall Gremlin Ladies and gentlemen Bjork Oh, man

Fuck you Ladies and gentlemen Ingrid Michelson That's so mean Keep going Just keep crying See if she'll get madder I wish these vocals were less

I wish these vocals were less dependable And more terrifying I love Bork The spirit of music Is based in terror Jason, do you have you have you suffering? It's going for Irish to mess. Fuck all y'all.

It's not far from Bjork. I didn't really think I had one. The stereotypical dad DIY bug has never caught me. None of my business. No thank you. But I just control F search the words my dad in our selections. And it appears eight times out of the, 35 that we have placed in this spreadsheet.

Thank you to everyone else who submitted as well. Yours were all so wonderful. And I realized, looking at that large number, that I come from a long line of DIY guys, and that might be what steered me away because my paternal grandfather, he as a kid, was messing with a knife, and it, like, pushed it too hard the wrong way,

and it flew up and jabbed him in the eyeball. and he has tails of his eye dripping out into his hand for the rest of his life he had a weird pupil couldn't drive he was a cop they gave him a gun but he couldn't drive there is also a God bless America there's also a 45 year old

patched up hole in the roof of this house where he he was a large fella it's just stout stout fella stout pretty in shape for an older guy but he was up in the attic tromping around and plooped and stepped through and fell all the way through the floor so there's a big old grandpa shaped

patched up hole in the roof my dad set the backyard on fire once I think he was trying to kill bees and like he's actually like super super super safety conscious it's like literally his job as safety stuff so like when he has an adventure It's like, wow, like so much, there's so much, like, built-up dad karma over the generations

that is now realizing itself. My closest one is, like, we, at one of our old houses we had, we lived at, like, the bottom of a valley, and we had basically a swamp in our backyard, all the water drained through our backyard, and we had a doxen, and I had to build a fence to keep the docks from chasing the rabbits and whatever, and, like, you know, I built the shitty cheapest fence I could. We were dead broke at the time, and the dachshund, of course, kept wriggling under the fence through the mud a dachshund can escape anything especially if there's a rabbit on the line they're like squirrels they can just squeeze their bodies down to

yes astonishingly small sizes yeah they're like those those those those like flat so reptiles that can just yeah uh but yeah the the fence eventually ended up being this like absolute patchwork garbage where every time she would sneak through i'd slap some more wood in that exact spot and she'd like like a raptor testing weaknesses she'd just move on to the next one um the funny thing is I drove through that neighborhood like years later and yep there's my fence still looks like shit still standing though it's important to have something and if your house isn't new it's important to keep something that you can blame on a previous owner because it's it's very valuable to be like well that sucks but that's not my fault that's that's some previous

asshole who did that to me yeah um serverer when we logged on you mentioned that your father has several of these, is there one that sticks out to you as a choice selection? Not really. I think, you know, I will tell the first time I realized that my dad was a DIY disaster, like, walking around. It is most of them that have to do with cars was when I needed a new, I needed a change a tire on my car. and for some reason he I don't know what he did

but he broke the fucking lug nut off with the tire on and I was like this isn't hard change the tire it's seriously strong I don't know how he did it anyways and then he when he tried to put the new thing on it totally fucked up the suspension

and then we wound up having to get the car towed somewhere and they had to redo the entire suspension this was my first car and I'd had it for like three weeks and I didn't have it for like another two weeks while it was fixed but like he just everything he does he's like

it's the dying words are like yeah it'll only take me like 15 20 minutes and we had to cut him off at helping at our house because like we have a soap dish in our shower that it broke off because I guess it was just really old

whatever sealant there was that was holding it on broke on and he's like I can fix it that only take me like 15 minutes and he um he put it back on but like there was like this like weird whatever shower cement he used was like all around the edge of it and then he had also dropped a ton in the tub which i just scratched my foot on for like a year until we were finally able to get it off which also reminds me in the shower he said i can fix that in about 15 minutes with the the um the water uh or the the the the what you turn the hot wot the faucets on the and and he he's like it just needs new stems and he replaced the stems but uh now the screws

that hold the faucets on are like constantly coming out um and i had i like went had to go back in and put like locktide around it and make and they still seem to not want to stay in and i don't know what he did to make that a thing and they always leak water a little bit too. I just, he, it'll only take him 15 minutes, but then it always takes like the whole day. It is very much like a, he, I like the Tim Taylor thing is almost real with him

and everything, home improvement and doing it around the house. He won't pay anyone to do anything. And he will destroy whatever he has until he has to just buy the whole new thing. Did Benford put Tim Taylor on television because they knew he was a fuck up and it was funny? um my secret is that tim taylor's dad is the head of binford and that he's the ultimate fail son and we just didn't know it the whole time interesting that would be if you wanted to know why america loved it they were like he's a fail son he's a terrible husband and he's bad at his job wildly successful yeah i'm looking at uh homeimprovement dot fandom dot com to see uh his father michael taylor was deceased um that's all we know about him that's the entirety

when writing a character it's important to establish the like vital facts about him just like Spider-Man no dead and it starts with what's his main character trait dead

he totally like killed his dad doing some sort of home improvement project that created a hole in the wall and he buried his dad in the hole in the wall wow wow I was I was thinking you're going to go

he's like trying to redeem himself but no no no no but he keeps reliving that moment because that's like the typical gag right it's like he's doing something and then boom big hole in the shower yeah big hole in the wall like there was him the tool man banging away with a little hammer or whatever hits his dad and then he's like uh yeah that's the noise it's him being trapped in the wall that's that's the death that's the death that's father yeah

yeah it's the last noise his father ever made the cast him on timato you walk past that wall you can still hear roar rrah my DIY disaster I have many to choose from my DIY disaster I have many I was pretty mundane but still humiliating, but I will choose the simplest one with a friend of mine, charging a car, battery, easiest thing in the world to do, positive to positive, negative to negative to negative, right? Verified with friend, positive to positive, negative to negative, right? Yeah, got it. Cool.

What do we do? Positive to negative, negative to positive, fried the entire electrical system on a Toyota station wagon. Time travel, baby. This car is now a wagon. You said you wanted the car to do stuff. You wanted it to have power. That's how the shutdown forecast happened. Reverse the polarity.

Bang, alternate reality. Here we are. Go, Jags. I looked at it too. That's the worst part. As you looked at it and you were like, you go, okay, start it. Something very bad happens and nothing responds.

And you go, tell me it's not red black, red, yep, no, it's totally wrong. even though we looked at it like 30 times like don't mess up the simple polarity completely destroyed it is this why you're so good at roulette this is why I am so those were the powers I gained that day

okay yeah this is this Derek Captain Marvel moment yep I lost my ability an engine blew up and then I was powerful yeah the soul of this Toyota station wagon lives inside Spencer guiding him

from roulette wheel to roulette wheel it's a really good station wagon with a compulsive gambling problem and it lives in me this fall on NBC it's Wheels starring Spencer Hall Station wagon man man

five years ago at the peak of streaming we could have gotten this green lit this could have been on wheels canceled after two episodes Spencer's gonna hatch back that ass up um

Holly, do you have a disaster to share, or are you smart and just avoid these clumsy situations in the first place? I think I've unfurled all mine over the course of the show, because I grew up Hilljack, and so these kind of things were not so much a disaster as a part of the landscape. My favorite one, I think I already told during the first lawn care disaster's episode, was my father on his maiden voyage with his power washer, severing the power lines into our home. Yes, yes. with the power washer and then acting as though he had done it on purpose because now no one could call him but yeah this most of mine

most of mine also come from my father but they're not really they don't really stick in my brain as disasters like there's my dad has installed a storm door upside down and then taken it off with much harrumphing and reinstalled it upside down and backwards yes but like this is not

this is not something we talk of as a disaster right this is like a Tuesday so because I said that in 40 minutes I will remember something horrible that I've done myself and just buried in the silt at the base of my brain but no nothing's coming to mind at the moment which means I'm subsuming something terrible oh my grandfather used to build his own electric fences to keep deer out of the strawberry patch so I haven't shocked a bunch we had to test it it's why I have a hard time thinking of any specific ones for my dad because it's just kind of it was always happened yeah if

It's so normal. It's not something that sticks out as an event. It was just like, oh, there's that co-pay. Like a procedural TV show. Right. Do you all mind if I start with a long one that I did not include on the sheet? Please do, because it's important for people to note that when you break the rules and submit a long story for disaster episode, it better be good. Yeah, so we try.

So let's celebrate this one. Yeah, this, I think, breaks several of the rules, but that doesn't mean. matter because reader Anne has sent in the following story titled TSA approved DIY John Deere engine carrying luggage.

All right. My dad is originally from Iowa but has lived in Georgia for the last 30 some years. He has very strong opinions on farm equipment and is loyal to John Deere and his Iowa-based John Deere mechanic. In 2003

he was restoring his 19 70 John Deere lawnmower and he needed to rebuild the engine. This was beyond his level of skill and he needed his mechanic to handle this part, but he's in Georgia, the mechanic is in Iowa. He did not want to pay for shipping to ship

a 70 plus pound solid steel engine to Iowa. So he waited until he took my brother and I to Iowa for a week to spend with our grandparents during the summer. On this trip, he decided to bring the engine along and check it on the commercial flight. He needed to

some way to carry it through the airport, and it needed to be somewhat professional looking so that Delta would allow him to do this. And this is where the DIY comes in. He cut a piece of plywood into six, one and a half foot squares, attached the pieces together with nail and wood glue to create a box, and nailed the engine inside of it. My mom, who used to be a Delta flight attendant, remarked there was no chance they would allow him to check it as luggage, because, one, it was heavy, unwieldy, and they didn't have a good way for the baggage crew to load and unload it. And two, this was two years after 9-11.

When it was security was rather strict. And his plywood box looked like an acme box of dynamite ordered by Wiley Coyote. So dad acknowledged the first problem and took an old dog collar and attached it to the top of the box as a handle. He did not think the box looking like a bomb was a problem, but it became a joke in the family leading up

this trip. On the morning of the flight, we were barely on the park and go shuttle bus when the dog collar handle broke because it was not strong enough to carry the 70-pound box. We made it to the checking counter smoothly all the same, and Dad explained he needed to check this box containing a John Deere engine for our flight to Des Moines so his mechanic could rebuild it. After some questions, they weighed the box, they wrote some notes, and they put it on the belt with surprisingly little issue. As we watch the box move along the conveyor belt, my brother, who was about six years old at the time and feeling excited about the success, loudly exclaimed, wow, dad, the bomb actually made it through security.

Oh! Everything came crashing to a halt. The attendant slammed the emergency stop button on the conveyor belt. Security appeared around us instantly. We were with to the TSA holding room where we stayed for over two hours, while a That's it? Yeah, well, while agents questioned dad and a machine was brought in to test the engine for hazardous residue. When the agent started using a crowbar to open the box,

Dad insisted on doing it himself because he didn't want them to break the box because he still needed it to travel. We made our flight because my dad had us at the airport four hours early. Yes. The engine eventually made it onto the plane. The weight of the box went on to break the Des Moines Airport's baggage claim conveyor pounds. The engine was rebuilt and dad still mows his yard

with it today. And this is a perfect, this is a perfect story. It has Chris. It has Surns. It has brothers. It has TSA agents. Oh, man.

This was a crazy. Industrial sabotage. Foiling dadness. Yes. Like getting to the airport for hours early, for instance. Well, if that kind of time, anything can go wrong.

Dad knows that your ultimate enemy is your future self. Listen, man, you build in time for the bomb scare. That's preparation. Right. And most importantly, for I think any DIY disaster, there is no lesson to be learned from the person at the heart of it. Your dad looks at this and says, like, I did everything right. My decision to check a lawnmower engine as a piece of luggage was right and just,

and I would do it again. My taxpayer dollars paid for that conveyor belt. I'm going to break it if I want it. You never know in the airport might have, you know, a little patch of grass. It's grown too long. And they need a hero to step up. That's right. I just like that he thought a 70 pound box was reasonable.

That's amazing. People will take all kinds. I mean, that's up there with the, that's up there right around the like overweight baggage limit, right? Right. It's got to be. I hope so. I'm with that. No, I'm saying, I've definitely taken a 55-pound suitcase on an airplane before.

Well, think about all, like, we've all flown enough that there's that list of, like, here are things you can't travel with, like, weapons, explosives, flammable blobs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Weapons. Don't see engine blocks. I don't see the little engine-like system anywhere on there. That's right. Lawnmower engine is nowhere on the list. And if they wanted it to be, they should have put it there.

Why'd you bother making a long list If it doesn't have lawnmower engine Therefore, I'm encouraged to fly with my lawnmower engine You can lose the little dashboard symbol and everything Yep, yep Doesn't say any kind of lawnmower either Nope Bring an entire lawnmower

All right, so that's breaking the rules But we have several other selections Breaking the law That are much more self-contained but I wanted to start with that one because it was a delight to me personally. Holly, do you want to pick one off the sheet? Yes, I do. My favorite genre of disaster is, as evidenced in perhaps best by Dad A and Dad B is where

something is already going terribly wrong and then another party enthusiastically makes it worse. This is from Reader Joel. My wife was holding shutter... Oh, Joel, you used Wilst. And if I'd seen that you used Wilst, I would have deleted this one from contention, but it's already in here. You have Ryan's mercy to thank for this.

My wife was holding shutters in place whilst I used a drill to screw them to the wall. I accidentally screwed her hand to the wall. In a mild panic, I attempted to reverse the drill's rotary action to remove the screw. the language here is beautiful unfortunately I did not succeed

so screwed her hand more firmly to the wall end of story wow wow let's see this is one where the economy of writing really lets the imagination run wild there's a couple in here and a couple of them are on my list

where I think maybe for the first time ever I wanted to know more I don't really want to know more about this one, but the blocking of it, the physics of how it occurred are fascinating to me. And particularly what really jumps out is her lack of recorded reaction, which... Well, and his... He's got real PR-friendly language in here, like, you know, as a side effect, the sharks got smarter. Describe your wife like a sim.

Roll them, flolm. Hand to the wall. Just how in the fuck did you do it? without literally how did you do it without literally putting the screw to your wife's hand so my I thought about this one a lot server I think she was holding the shutter with her hand behind it in some way and so he was going through wood or whatever and then went through her hand Jesus Christ that's the only way it makes it because otherwise you're right he's lining up the drill with he's like all right stigmata time at our house here we go

This is how, like, ancient, you know, icons work. The wall is bleeding. Well, there's a story behind that. This is for Christ. Yeah, was this on Easter? Was that the day this happened? Jesus was a carpenter. Because, like, you don't have to make up this whole story.

We just, you know, we know why you did this. It's fine. Jesus was a carpenter with a maximum age of 33. There had to have been some disasters in there. They don't talk a lot about his. I think even more disasters are at stake because he was probably a stone mason. Well, listen, if he was, listen,

carpenter or stone mason in his early 30s, I feel confident saying this. I know very little about Jesus, but based on profession and based on age, I feel very confident to say that that man could put down a 12-pack. That's it. Well, sure.

What, a tradesman 31-year-old stone mason, I'm like, yeah, brother. Yeah, literally the first thing that's recorded after he decides, ah, fuck work. I like being poor as he goes to a party and makes free booze. brother how is Virginia Tech not won a national title with Jesus is their original fan

I mean damn well you know the meek shall inherit the earth we don't stay meek for a while the payoff is going to be huge though they've been meek for about a decade now in the NFL there is no margin for error one mistake can change the outcome of the game

science proves quality sleep can help boost reaction time, recovery time, and overall athletic performance. As the official sleep wellness partner of the NFL, sleep number's mission is to provide players with data and insights to optimize their sleep for the ultimate competitive edge. Sleep is essential for recovery, and we all have unique needs. That's why Sleep Number smart beds are perfect for couples with individualized settings for each side. Since 2018, Sleep Number and the NFL have teamed up to bring quality sleep to elite athletes. 8 out of 10 NFL players, including 80% of Kansas City Chiefs players

trust Sleep Number for their best rest. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, say 50% on the Sleep Number Limited Edition Smart Bed, plus special financing for a limited time. Only at a Sleep Number Store or Sleep Number.com. Sleep Number, official sleep and wellness partner of the NFL, C Store for details. I wanted to share one that I identified with in my marrow. Which is very simple, but to the point, it starts with stupid. This is from Travis, and Travis, I'm going to say this.

You might be a smart person in real life, but there's also a part of your real life where you're very stupid, and I appreciate that. Wait, did you steal mine, or is there more than one, Travis? Oh, I have the wrong one there. I had that as claimed. Oh, my apologies. My name's next to it. I thought my name was next to it. My apologies.

You know what? Go ahead. Oh, that's very generous of you. Go ahead. I'm magnanimous. Go ahead. I once busted a bathroom sink trying to wash a bowling ball in it. Travis, I love you.

You stupid paste eating moron. This is the dumbest god-dust thing I've ever heard. This is one of those ones where I said I wanted to know more. First of all, you turned off with, hmm, this bowling ball is dirty. Of course it is. It's a bowling ball. This thing looks like it's been through the gutter.

Don't they have little shammies for it at the actual bowling place? But you instead were like, nope, like a dog, it needs a bath. Better get my special bowling ball shampoo out. I got to get Q-tips in the little holes or it'll get infected. Whenever I wash my bowling ball, he just sits there in wines, but then it gets used to it. So I usually let it take a shower instead. Like a careless treble. Your coat's looking dull and flaky, buddy.

I'm better put old 10-pounder here underneath the faucet and get it clean. Kids, kids, turn the water out. The bowling ball needs to bathe. This is the most Patrick Star behavior. Do you sleep under a rock, Travis? Pull to ball! I was washing my bowling ball. I'm going to say something, though.

I feel like bathroom sinks should have... I hope... I feel like bathroom sinks would have more of a usable load than 10 pounds. This is not a reasonable load expectancy of a bathroom sink, though. Don't you put babies in sinks? are not bowling balls tiny babies yeah there's a weight distribution thing with a baby okay okay yeah yeah a baby you can sort of like move a foot to really make sure it fits in there all right i just like i'm with the engineers here okay this is not a reasonable expectancy no i'm just saying like

i wouldn't put a bowling ball in a sink but i also wouldn't think that 10 pounds would break a bathroom sink you wouldn't download a car you wouldn't pay the bowling ball so like so first your brain thinks my bowling ball is dirty then you think that's a problem then you think bathtub at what fucking point does the bathtub break what is that about the sink the sink because bathtub I would argue makes more sense

oh yeah oh man because you know somehow I had bathtub in my head for the last few minutes I got it walk in shower because then you have to get in with it and at some point you either drop it on yourself or it slides away from you and you fall Correct. I hope there is a story before this. I hope there's a prequel.

My wife said I'm not allowed to wash the bowling ball in the bathtub anymore. I hope the prequel is... After I screwed her hand to the wall. I hope the prequel is I used my bowling ball to make guacamole. And then I had a problem. I used it as a pinini press. Listen, my bowling ball appreciates a nice goddess bath bomb from Lush. Kids, stop dunking cheese sticks in the bowling ball.

I'll have to hold it over the bowling ball bidet. Spencer, did you read the last bit of this entry? I have not. I haven't even gotten halfway through this. Oh, great, great, great. There's another sentence. There's one more sentence. We joined Patrick Starr in action.

I even tried to tape it back together. What? Read it so people can understand you. I even tried to tape it back together before my family got home. tape if they wouldn't notice tape so that suggests what kind of tape that this sink would

sink tape you know I want to know more what kind of tape and were there pieces that you were trying to attach back on were you just trying to cover a crack let's assume this is a white sink because that seems to be the standard and therefore

masking tape is what I'm guessing it is. Postal tape yeah Yeah, painter's tape. So, like, was the anticipated solution one in which people would walk into the bathroom and think, the sink's a little more silver with duct tape these days? Not just, not just would not notice, but would use it without issue. Would use this thing that is supposed to not leak water because it's not made of fucking tape? Okay, I remember a DIY disaster.

My brother and I were turning cartwheels on his bed. and he put a heel through his bedroom wall and my solution to this was to tear out a piece of spiral bound notebook paper draw precisely two stars on it in pencil and tape it to the wall over the hole we got away with this for months the difference between me and Travis here is I was five also you have you have you were predicting the Shawshank redemption before you even knew it

Travis might be five, right? Yeah, it might be. Travis, where are your parents? Are you allowed to listen to this show? Are you allowed to lift a bowling ball? You got to be a strong, strong five-year-old to get a bowling ball. I'm in a bathroom sink.

Who's a big boy? Like, frankly, this is our... Travis, this is all your parents. What's your 40 time? Do you have a 20... Do you have a max preps page? Did Livy riz up, Travis? Is that what you put...

God, I do. I heard he... I heard he... I'm sorry for cheating that out. I heard he's the boy strong enough to break a sink with a bowling ball. Tape. Tape is good.

Tape is good. Like, it's such a, it's such a, it's such a, it's such a piss poor, oh, you tried to fix it. Approach. Have any of y'all ever been build your own computer guys? Guys, of course, is always as gender neutral. Yes, when I was, my first computer I built, yeah. Oh, what age was this about? Uh, 17.

Nice. Wow. This was a senior. this is a senior in high school, had never had a computer, had some slightly older friends with leftover computer components, hey, let's see what I can throw together, kind of. That's quite industrious for, I didn't get into that until college when it was like. So this, sorry, this was the computer that I took to college for like somewhere after graduation. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. Yeah, I, um, I don't think I could do that today. Yeah, no. Well, like these days, it's, it's like, you build a $5,000 gaming rig so you can, take pictures of yourself playing in your little games and whatever. Like Alienware did exist. Alienware did exist in 1999 and it looked about the same as it does now, but I think I understand it about as much as I did then. Yeah.

We had New Egg. New Egg was around. Oh, yes. I got into this in college and I got okay at it. But I remember there was one, my last attempt with this, I think it was like a, it was a Linux computer, which is a stupid fucking idea. do that like it's oh it's the way of the future it's the original fucking bitcoin it's it sucks um then i was out the game after taking one look at that especially because i was like all right

i got sieve working on this thing but it sucks so i need a better video card so i put in a new one and it blew up and it's all right i'm i'm out i'm out i'm out um with that we go to kevin with near zero electrical knowledge i thought it could fix my roommate's ps2 my hand went numb from touching the bottom of a live circuit board. Thank you, Kevin. I stand with you. These things happen. When I read this one, I was like, oh, man, this is every teenager.

It has DIY disasters. If you haven't dripped solder from a paperclip onto your skin, are you really living a teen life? What I think is particularly good about this one is, now if you try to fix something, there is a decent chance you can find a YouTube video or something of somebody who does

know what they're doing, who can walk you through it. PS2 is kind of on, like, the chances were much, much lower. So you're most likely... Yeah, you're going based on something you heard from someone at your job at Little Caesars. Right. You're like, I've been to a game stop.

I think I can handle this. I know my way around this beauty. If you know, if you know YouTube, you know that there is a along the bottom on the play bar there is a little sign wave kind of up and down peaks and valleys yeah most popular of the most popular points in the video yeah i have a theory on DIY videos the most watch point is not necessarily just the most watch point or the crucial point it's not the crux it is the point in the video where i pause it that's where everybody calls a

professional. I looked up something to do in my house today and I hit a certain point in the video and I paused it and I dialed the professional and I noticed it was in the fat part of the bar and I thought this is what everyone does. They hit this point and they go either I'm going to burn my house down or I'm going to call an electrician. Y'all, I called an electrician because age precedes foolishness here. So in every DIY video there's a point where Frodo has to choose to go to the Mines of Moria or not. Yep. Only Gimley finishes that video.

Just stay home. Just stay home. I've seen that movie. We're not going to do it again. The minds of Moria. It sucks down there. I'm calling someone else. It sucks down there.

Yeah. All them dwarves are dead. There's a space octopus. I've got one. Go for it. Here's, okay, here's a, I was, I wanted to save this till later, but oh, man, this is my favorite one in the whole thing. And never have I wanted to know more from a shorter story, from reader John.

My mother-in-law, first of all, plot twist, mother. My mother-in-law tried making her own pool chemicals to save money. It did not work. Go dogs. I need details. There's three words you forgot that I was like to do. Oh, sorry, in the kitchen. In the kitchen is the very important part.

indoor pool chemical mixing well he sell them indoors why wouldn't it be safe to make him indoors homemade pool chemicals saving tips make your own pool chemicals oh good let's see let's see DIY chlorine poison y'all they don't cost that much they really don't I'm trying to think of the things you shouldn't make yourself oh we get it Spencer you're a millionaire baking soda medicine you shouldn't make yourself You should buy medicine. You shouldn't make it. Although there is one in here that's on theme about that.

This is on Budget 101. Borax. Okay, every single one of these links is on Pinterest. This isn't safe. Oh, that's not safe at all. Yeah. Pinterest is like, Pinterest, yeah, Pinterest is like the Tweed anarchist cookbook.

I want to know what happened. I want to know why it didn't work. I want to know who got injured. John, call us back. Someone's in the kitchen with Mama mixing up chlorine gas And I say feedback What could go wrong? What could go wrong?

Olive oil A war crime Jason, can you go with this other one That is also chemistry adjacent About the tattoo Yeah, this one's great from Joe I say that having read only the first sentence I'm going to assume the rest is great

I was trying to date a girl who was fairly talented an artist and I asked her to give me a tattoo with a Sharpie. Bang her up a start. Literally you're telling her to bear her down, like all the way. Did she just draw on your arm? Okay. Yeah, are you just emo kids, or are we talking actual tattoo with a Sharpie? I don't know why I thought this would work.

My skin seems to be very absorbent when it comes to ink, and after a couple of days, I just wanted the stupid thing off my arm. Okay, so she just drew on his arm. Leading me to try a Mr. Clean magic eraser on my skin. Oh, no. If you're like I was and don't know how the magic eraser works, they have a bunch of sharp microplastics that break up the dirt and then bleach that cleans it. When you use it on your body, it's a very effective way of getting bleach into your skin layers.

The bleach then burns its way to the surface in a wildly painful process. So guess what? She did. She did give you a tattoo. Just, you know, it's abstract. You've learned about tattoos and then you've learned about tattoo removal. I just, you know, I have small children, so I have to think about, like, keeping household cleaners away from them. And I think we abandon that principle too early. I think more people

need to be kept away from. Like, if you're the kind of person who thinks, I will use this, this magic eraser on my body. You need to be, your house needs to be childproof. It just does. I'm sorry. I need the microceramics in being. It's magic. I used one on my finger the other day. I didn't know what that would. Do you have a tattoo now? No, it's fine. Does that mean I'm a superhero?

Yes, it does. That means you have magic community, 10% at least. You are the true heir to Mr. Clean's fortune. Congratulations, Serber. You are the real, Mr. Clean. Fuck yes. It's him. Like, I'm jacked, and I have no hair now.

It's wild. That's why I can fly. Got it. Also, I wreak of chlorine gas. I'm actually a biohazard. A very attractive biohazard. Slowly turning into a swimming pool. Yeah.

I want to take this one from Eric. At about age 10, me and some friends built a tree house in the woods near our house. Once the parents found out, they immediately wanted to tear it down. But we somehow convinced them to come inspect it first so they could see how well-built and safe it was. It turns out much of the wood repercure. cured for the latter was termite infested, so when my dad went to grab a rung after taking a couple steps up, it completely disintegrated, with the full weight of his downward fall going right over a filthy nail.

Oh, wow. The side of his hand was split open like a burst hot dog from about four inches above his wrist to the tip of his pinky. Staple stitches and a round of tennis shots later, we had to tear down the tree house. Why? Oh, that's just dad's way of getting out of having to tear down the tree. house. Can I say that the winning happened at the end? There's a secret victory because you got to tear down a tree house buddy. That had to be fun. Sure. That's true. And you almost killed your dad

in case you're wondering if you were capable of doing that. Defeated your dad. Dad did inspect. Dad did inspect it though. I mean that is that is on the parents right like you can't expect a 10 year old to build something structurally sound. You can't expect parents to assume that that's not the and not say, like, well, no, you deserve your day in court. I suppose we should give you a proper trial. Let's listen to the construction expert, Dr. Collapsie. Dr. Collapsie. Show us your designs.

No, you're not good at wiping your butt all the way, but I suppose we should see if this is a load-bearing structure or not. Yeah. This is a termite-infested butt. Surely is not a harbinger of anything else. Structurally integral styrofoam. This is meant to hold several thousand pounds. I have one that I would like that I've been requested to share.

Jason, you spotted this one for me, and I think you were right. This is from Yifan. I'm from Liaoning, a province in China in the northeast. The weather is like Minnesota, and the culture is like Florida. I would like to visit this place. I'm not the authority here, but from everything I've heard, Liaoning, yeah, this is exactly what it's like. One Chinese New Year, it was below zero Fahrenheit outside. My oldest cousin made DIY sparklers that nobody asked for, and they burned through my roughly 12 layers of clothes.

Kind of a miracle that I didn't get hurt. My cousin's dad waited until the two-week-long holiday observed ended to whoop my cousin's ass in front of my cousin's toddler son. Oh, no. I have so many comments on this. One, my favorite thing in China when you're traveling on the trains was, apparently it was an issue people taking explosives on the trains. So they would have signs that said, please,

whoever is coming from the country to the city, do not take your country as explosives on the train you know and they would be like uncle uncle ho uh he had explosives and this is what happened to uncle ho and they would post this picture in the name of public interest which was an exploded man like a dude on a train just blown the fuck up like you're walking past it you're like Jesus Christ they're like no look at it this is dumbass uncle Ho and he he took dynamite in his pants and he lit a cigarette and he it fell and he went to sleep and it's everybody was like don't do that well they say keep dynamite in a safe place and my pants are safe I don't understand the problem uncle Ho got too relaxed on the old Hube Bay Beijing Express

and lo we ended up with Uncle Ho jelly that's how look just just goo all over this car this really feels like the kind of sign that you would see if Florida had lots of trains yeah this is my way of backing up the established candidate here that in China there's some people who play real fast and loose with the notion

of fireworks I also adore the phrase here no one asked for DIY sparklers that nobody asked for that the cousin was like you know what's going to make this holiday fantastic this Chinese New Year is going to kick off when I get the these DIY sparklers cook and everybody's

going to fucking love it. Because I know what he did. He was like, how much white phosphorus do I need? And the question was, more. How much white phosphorus do I have? More! I better put some sort of evil metal. May magnesium. Let's put a shitload of magnesium

in there. How much magnesium do you need? Well, we're all deficient. It's like paprika. Whatever the recipe says, you need to add a little more. You got a little more. Come on. What are you, baby? Let's just use the same metal that made the LeMond disaster, a capital D disaster, and put that in the sparklers. That's a great idea.

And then finally, like, the greatest part of this is that the guy waited to beat his ass until the end of the holiday. Like, hey, listen, we're all going to have a great time. We're going to play a bunch of mahjong. We're going to light off some fireworks. And then I'm going to end my holiday the way I choose, lighting your ass up. So my grandson can see it. That's it. I'm going to beat your ass in front of him.

It's a show. Streaming. Live on Dadflix. It's happening. Beat the sparkles out of you. What'd you do? Well, it turns out I put a war-grade phosphorus flare on the end of the stick. Jason has raised an interesting point.

Like, Amtrak can never really expand it in Florida. That shit will be a disaster. from the word go what do you mean I can't take an alligator on the train he has a ticket and a driver's license yeah next like the I'm looking at the Amtrak route it's basically straight down to Miami that's that easy nothing in the pan handle don't go over there hell no way and stop it hit the gas it's like straight to Disney to Tampa to Miami then eject aboard yeah do you know what the bright line is no okay So the Bright Line is a private commuter rail that has opened up in South Florida, you know, and people actually use it quite a lot.

And that includes by users, I also mean people who've used it to get run over because per the Associated Press, the Bright Line is also the deadliest train in America. Hell yeah. Having already killed 40 people. That's efficient Yeah That's from Miami to West Palm It's already brought over 40 people Who apparently can't see a fucking train coming

Damn It's called bright Yeah The bright line Feels like you'd be able to see Yeah It only started It only got started in 2018

Yeah Yeah now I think a few of these by the way Try hard Try hard a few of these were not accidents but wait what no a couple of people who decided oh I thought you meant the train is killing

no to depart the world but some of these some of these are just people who are like oh nice damn my bike train yeah like that's that's happened yeah so America's deadliest train in case you wondered you're like oh Amtrak better not expand to Florida friend we have a test case

and the numbers are horrifying already I better leave Florida yeah Here's a very suspicious line in Brightline's Wikipedia page. None of Brightline's deaths were caused by crew error or faulty equipment. The Brightline right. That's on their website? On their Wikipedia page.

Sure. Also, Spencer was wrong. According to this, there have been nearly 90 deaths. Jesus. 90? Yes. He looked up the 80 at the start of the show. Yeah, no, because this article is dated 2019.

It was 40 in 2019. Oh. They should probably fix some things. Are they thinking about doing that? Nope. Okay. Nope. Let it roll.

Literally. Holly, please transition us out of this with something else. User Carston's 13. Burned down half a tree building a plastic shed. Perfect submission. Perfect submission. Guys, when we say the best stories are short, this is what we mean. No notes.

Nope. Here's my question. I guess which half of the tree? Yes, correct. That's also what I want to know. And how do you only burn down half a tree or horizontally? In Minecraft, you could burn down the bottom half of the tree and the top would still be floating there. Mm-hmm.

Ooh. I like that option. That was short. I'll take another one. Thank you. Brendan submits the following Wasp nest on

outside corner of garage Dad wants to knock it down with broom Dad's solution is two brooms taped together thinking it would put enough space between him and wasps It does not Wow

I was thinking he was going Darth Mall That's what I was That's what I was thinking too He's going Zelda He's going cloudbuster. So there is a TikTok trend of people dealing with wasp nest by holding a cup full of gasoline over the wasst nest, which will, the fumes will kill the wasps and pretty much everything in the nest and then you can remove it. I'd like to go ahead and just place a lottery ticket on, this will go poorly.

Yeah. When somebody's like, hey, I got a cup full of gasoline. This will solve a problem. God, this dad must have felt so great when he had these two brooms taped together. He was like, oh, my God. I have created a weapon that will bat God right in the face. At one point, at one point did somebody just yell, hey, you know they recognize faces, right?

Hey, do you understand they fly, right? Yeah, you're not slapping, a sleeping. Holy shit, what was that? It was too far away to get to. Yeah, we believe. We believe this is going to be attributed to a fundamental misunderstanding of the concept of wasp. Do you know, you know, they're not like, you know, these wasps don't have like a lack of stamina. It's not like they fly four feet and they're like, oh, geez, I know we shouldn't have had kilbasa for lunch.

Jesus. Oh, so full. I have connected so many brooms that the wasps will become bored by the time they get to me. This is the tears of the kingdom approach to wasps. I realize that wasps are so fit. They can't ever, there's no reason for them to ever wear Tommy Bahama

and I kind of think that's sad. I know. You know if this dad encounters the situation again, he's going to look at that wasp nest and one phrase is going to enter his brain. This time will be different.

Three brooms. Double it. Four brooms. You madman. Okay. You can't go six brooms deep. Hear me out. Hear me out.

But Darth mulling... Keep talking. It's seven brooms now. Darth mulling two brooms across the hands with a third broom tape facing forward over your head like a headlamp. Like taped onto your head like a mumps patient of old. You've created like an eighth tier Batman villain. So you have like your long range weapon. You have your Darth mall brooms, but you also have like hand broom. It's your dagger for when the wasps get near.

Then you then you stab each one individual. Yes. Blank, use fumes. And a cape to cover yourself. So me and the fellas, me and the other dads, we got together, we assembled a phalanx of brooms. Of broom. And then we marched forward. I'm going to make a broom so long.

No wasp will fly to the end of this broom. Well, while you were busy being a wasp, I studied the broom. This super broom will end all wars, I tell you. If I'm not supposed to use grass as a weapon, how come it's measured in blades, Paul? May their swords be broken into brooms so that they can fight wasps? I did watch a friend attempt to smoke out a yellow jacket nest once in their yard with gasoline and decided to jazz it up a little bit

in case that wasn't enough by lighting the gasoline which ended up with a temporary display of yellow jackets pissed and on fire flying out of So funny thing about yellow jackets that are on fire their stingers still work

They do but they don't fly for very far But I remember thinking this is creating the most danger within a foot to six inch radius You know the ghost of Charles Darwin was like, holy shit, this rules. He did it. I never thought anyone would. You just put little jet packs on the back of all of them.

He's created the perfect killing machine. Oh, my God. Fuck off, sharks. In the afterlife, you know, everyone's watching Darwin on the viewfinder, been like, oh, he looks interested. Oh, this was going to be good. You better go over here. You lift the ass laid on fire.

He doesn't even have brooms. I told you what happened. Darwin's totally lost his English accent. He's looking over going, oh, this motherfucker. You're like, yeah. What's up, Chuck? Darwin hangs out with the Philly crowd a lot, I think. If in the afterlife.

If heaven exists, I hope everyone there can watch every dumb thing people on Earth do. I do hope that that's a feature. That's how I was told it works. They've got to be so bored of watching people, Jacket. Oh, my God. That's also how I was told it works. that part was emphasized these people I do that a lot the um Spencer when you said they uh they're they're trying to smoke out the yellow

jackets I thought that they went over they just stood beneath trying to like with the yellow jackets catch the contact then they'll be friendly we will simply befriend them that's it yeah they'll be bros they're chill now then they'll be fellow jackets yeah oh god um i have i have one that i identify with on a cellular level this is from andrew my dad once got so mad at a lawnmower that he threw it into a tree shit yes okay we're all picturing this like a like a spinning like a spinning like a hammer throat right oh i i was like a shot put that is good that is good yeah um like he's got it by the handle and he's spinning his body in circles.

Like, I don't know what particular tweak of, like, neurochemistry this is. But I really, my rage comes out most heavily against things. Like, I've only gotten into, like, three or four actual fights in my life. But I have destroyed at least 20 pieces of machinery or equipment just because I hated it. Like, really hate. Like, when people are like, man, have you ever hated anything? And I'm like, yeah, I have hated several different pieces of, household equipment, machinery.

I am the person, I am the mechanic who goes out and shoots the engine block. I am that guy. I absolutely hate it. So when I read about somebody throwing a lawnmower, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. Inanimate objects are the enemy. Congratulations. I hope you went back and beat the shit out of it just to teach the lesson. Because that's real.

You can beat a machine until it learns its lesson. That is, if you have this kind of brain, you absolutely feel me. And if you don't, you're like, that person should be institutionalized. So the only flaw with this particular form of violence that our reader submitted, somebody's got to get the lawnmower out of the tree. Says who? Or do you leave it there as a warning to other machines? No, you leave it there.

It's the head on a pipe. It's a trophy. We're thinking up into the tree. That's what I choose to believe. Because I was picturing against the tree. No, I choose to believe that it's like sprawled in the branches. Yeah, this whole time I was thinking up into a tree and not against. And I was thinking, Holly, I like Holly the hammer throw one.

I was thinking more, what's the Irish sport where you have to lift up the big log and throw it behind you that's standing? The cable tossing. Yeah, I was picturing that version. Yeah. It probably is, it probably is the sideways into the tree now that I'm thinking about it. No, let's go with our version. It's better. Well, I think there's many kinds of lawnmowers.

Like there are kinds, you could throw pretty far. I hope it was... Kinds that if they hit the tree would make a big, loud crunch. So it's sort of which one do you choose? I hope it was a riding lawnmower and that your dad is like Magnus for Magnuson, right? That your dad hefted a 900-pound...

Well, you know that thing where, like, it's like this mother lifted a car because it was pinning her child, you know, like that superhuman feat of strength. Like, it's that, but this fucking lawn... This pushed lawnmower, wouldn't fucking start. So this dad,

the strength of the gods was visited upon his dad so he could throw it on the roof somehow. I've been that, yeah, that's how dad's access mom save my kid, PCP strength. That's right.

Getting pissed at the goddamn machine. Don't goddamn do this goddamn job. I knew I should have bought the goddamn warranty. Technology is great when it works, ain't it? I like that those are indistinguishable.

You're like, Being on PCP or being mad at a lawnmower, same level of strength. Same. Like, can beat up 23 cops in a row on Bourbon Street. I can beat up 20, 20 drunk lawnmowers in a row. Oh, God, I've been, listen, I've been that mad at a little Tykes car that I put together on Christmas Eve. Yeah, I got so mad that I cried that it just wouldn't fit. Like teeth clenched tears.

No, no, like, teeth clenched, irrational, crazy person. And it was fucking smiling at you the whole time. Yeah. You have a face on it? No, like the kind that at like a UFC face off, you know, like that Key and Peele skit where he's like, God's lessons are so beautiful. And they're like, I ain't fight that man. Like, I'm the other guy. Many men have lost their sanity to the cozy coop.

It's got like a little fucking weeble wobble smile. Totally unfazed by your mouth on. Well, hey there, fuck face. This shouldn't be that hard. Are you a bad provider? Yeah. It was talking to me and I wanted to kill it. Maybe you should be happy like me.

Look, I'm stable unlike you. I'm cozy. I'm cozy. Oh my God. I just realized the voice for that thing. Yeah. It's the little partner's voice. It is.

Okay, there's a brunch spot nearby in Atlanta that, is an excellent brunch spot unfortunately the menu items have the stupidest names on the planet and I can't ever read past the kids menu section on this menu

without starting to do the voice until everyone around me wants to murder me and the menu item is named, I'm going to try to say it in normal voice, Lil Pardner's pancakes Nope

that was hard for you to do it was hard it was really hard I appreciate your restraint well partner's pancakes all right why can't you be happy like me Paul speaking of Paul down here on the farm doing noble machine work why are you crying dad

it's just a plastic car surely you can put it You can't even sell me for scrap in the war. I stabbed it with a screwdriver. I'm not proud of it, but I did. And it said, ow. Why would you do that to me, Paul? What'd you do that for?

You can't kill me because I'm not alive. What is dad may never die? Fuck face. Does this lead to a hypothetical? That's crazy. I'm still happier than you are. I make your kids happier than you ever, will you piece of shit. This is getting personal now.

I'm a little partner. God, if Mater were real, I would kill Mater so fast. Can we, okay, very detour for a very quick minute. I don't want to blow up their spot, but a member of Spencer's immediate family has a theory about Mater's tall tales. Are y'all familiar with this? Okay, it's these little shorts that they made

out of Mater telling stories to Lightning McQueen. And this isn't funny if you know what it is, but if you have kids of a certain age, you know what it is. And a member of the Hall family has decided that this is the Pixar Universe's version of the notebook, and Lightning McQueen and Mater are at the end of their lives, and Lightning McQueen has dementia from all his crashes, and Mater is retelling their exploits.

Wow. Don't you remember Lightning? That was that time, but we were in love. And you remembered who I was. I thought I was pretty. Fucking, Jesus. There's a lot happening. I'm going to do this one from Alex, actually.

Lale Pard! Okay. I helped my neighbor lift... I got strangle myself. I helped my neighbor lift the secondhand hot tub he bought on Facebook Marketplace onto the wooden platform he purposely built for the project. He proudly talked about how he had calculated that the platform would support the hot tub. I later helped him commiserate the platform's collapse.

because he forgot to factor in the weight of the water. Oh. Oh, you wanted to put water in it. Oh. Note. The neighbor is a college math professor at a private New England college costing more than $60,000 a year. Oh, that could be any of them.

Yeah. That's got to be a good feeling when you put the hot tub up and you wait. And you're like, yes. It's still, the platform is in. contact the fucking we are ready for launch houston and at what point because because obviously you're not adding the water to the hot tub all at once you're filling it slowly so there is a point where when a corner starts to dip right like it doesn't i don't think it collapses all in a heat i think you start to hear it as it starts to happen right like you hear the creek and you hear the crack and you're

Oh, no. My math professor, my whole existence as a math professor is a fucking lie because of this Facebook Marketplace Hot Tub that is ruined. What about Facebook Marketplace Hot Tub doesn't automatically fill you with confidence? That's a band. The water was added all at once, like from a... From a truck or something? From a dump truck.

That would be fucking great, too. From a wizard of some type? Waterfall. No, no, no, they all make groaning noises. That's fine. That's because they're satisfied. They're like, oh. I'm home.

Wow. What did the giant do in order to fill the tub of satisfaction? There's a terrible, there's a terrible alternate here, which is this, that even if he had gotten it to hold all that water and not collapse, you didn't account for human weight, right? No, but humans float in water, so you don't have to count that. Yeah, that's right. We're weightless. That's right. Yeah, in water you don't count.

Now we're just doing troll science. Travis should have filled the sink up with water, and then the bowling ball wouldn't have done anything. Oh, God. Stupid pitch. That's how the famous, like, the Greek thing with the displacement in the water. That's right.

It was, yeah. He should use bowling balls then, too. Yep. Now bowling ball weightless. There's a reason they start volumetric analysis with VOL is all I'm saying. Well, then somebody just, like, yeah, then somebody just gets in there. Defies physics.

It's beautiful. I mean, when you decide to buy a hot tub off Facebook marketplace, you are signing up for something bad. It's just a matter of when and how, right? I bought my submarine off Wayfair. Yeah. Too soon. What?

Did something happen? How much did it cost? Did it cost less than $250,000? What a deal. Oh, God. Speaking of a deal, have I got a deal for you? From Bold Yeller on Twitter.

Not many of, we only glimpsed through the Twitter suggestions because the instructions were clear that these were to go to email, but we did take a look. God damn morons. Glad we did because Bold Yeller built my own bed out of two by four

and cinder blocks. I've been there. Are you in rent? What is this? I've been at that age. I've been there. 500 to 3,500,600, 600 power words. Broke my girlfriend's nose when I rolled off the mattress one night

and the bed seesawed her sleepy body into the air. There it is. At what point in that arc do you think you wake up if you're the girlfriend? Is it on the ascent? Pretty early, isn't it? I think. Yeah. I think it's at the smash.

I think per inception rules. Yeah. It's rocking. Oh, okay. Now, there's a coda to this one that I think makes it worse. Okay. Bought a used $25 IKEA bed afterwards. I think I'd rather take my chances with the first one.

I've been at that point in life. I've been at that point in life. Well, here's the used $25 IKEA bed has a lot of drawbacks. I agree. But one of them is not. this might accidentally catapult you into the ceiling. Sure it is. How?

Use $25 IKEA bed only now, in addition to having the exact same dangers, you might also have bed bugs. Yeah, you know, there's just like something. Yeah, but bedbugs don't throw you. Not yet. They have to unionize first. Yeah. You know, you just don't freestyle on some basic things, right?

For example, you don't try to make pool chemicals in your kitchen. Except now I want to. Because that's how you discover how to make chemical warfare. And you don't freestyle on a bed. You don't say, hey, you know what needs to be reinvented. You know what needs to be disrupted, the bed. Beds with these parts have worked fine. This one, it merely had a seesaw component to it.

Listen, we have all indeed been at this stage of life, but I would argue that this young man got above his station. Are you too good for a mattress on the floor? Yeah, come on. mattress on the floor? Well, I mean, it's all the ladies posting about if he doesn't have cinder blocks, then girl, you need to get out. And he's like, oh, man, now I got to have cinder blocks to impress the ladies these days.

What do you think that hospital visit was like where one of them had to tell a doctor, straight face, this is my boyfriend. My nose got broken because he turned their bed in a seesaw. I remember my DIY disaster. Every nurse is like, uh-huh. and like handing you the phone number to call somebody because you don't feel safe. Nobody's buying that.

What's your, what's yours? Sorry, go ahead. No, this is how my dad met one of my boyfriends in the emergency room. Was anyone catapulted? I think I told this story in a car disaster is when we went mudding through the empty home depot that hadn't had the doors put on it yet. And then we went through the car wash and we were all riding on the roof of the car and I fell off and the Volvo drove over me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's how my dad met my boyfriend at the time because he took me to the ER. And I called my parents, and I got to watch them shake hands. How much of the story did you relay at that time? Oh, all of it. My dad was just foaming, foaming mad at this kid. I know we weren't supposed to pick one from the Twitter mentions, but I'd picked one from the Twitter mentions. Is it on the sheet?

It is not. No, wow. Damn it, it's not. I'm going to freelancing monster. Go ahead. Go ahead. You already stole one of Ollie's. I'm going to do it myself. Yep. No, it's okay. I'm Spencer. I'm special.

We're our generational talent. Let's hear it. This is from Dan Rather. What generation, the greatest? I rebuilt a... Not the silent generation. I rebuilt a 1.8-liter Miata engine in a below-grade basement. Okay, that's pretty good. It was easy enough to get the parts down the stairs.

Did you know that sometimes you also have to go up the stairs? Nope You got an underground car now What was his plan? I could drive from I could drive from one side of the basement to the other What do you think underground street racing means, friend? It's a meada so you've got just about enough room

to drive around in the basement like I'm learning to drift Welcome to Tudan Donuts in the piece Welcome to Tutin Common Motors Where are we in tune Your engine forever You walk in the front door and you hear

It's a screar Downstreet. Oh, Dad's doing donuts. Joke, I'm down here. I have bad. It didn't work. I am doing important things. What are you going to do? I think the basement car is going to get lonely. We need to build it a friend. We're going to turbo charge that Pittsburgh toilet.