Shutdown Fullcast - DIY DISASTERS, PART 2

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Like a field trip that gets cut short early, we simply had too many people making terrible choices to fit into one Do-it-yourself Disasters episode, so we constructed another. It is not up to code and it keeps popping random breakers and the wall has a bubble in it now but I’m pretty sure it’s fine. Stories include: The three words you need to make any great story Dad vs. the Winter Heating Bill (David Byrne voice) We Built A Door To Nowhere Your body is a series of buttholes Florida Dad Turns Bathroom Into “Wine Room” The sequel to the Legend of Double Broom: Double Ladder How to turn internet pornography into a gaming system Visit preownedairboats.com to buy stickers that we don’t recommend you use to tape your bathroom sink back together Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

...whoe... ...their... ...you know... ...and... ...the... ...withal... Here's one from Pete. A high school friend's parents decided to remodel their house while she spent a semester abroad.

experience or expertise in construction or architecture. This resulted in them adding a story on top of their existing two-story house without removing the previous roof but instead building around it. Yes. One door in quote the addition opened

to the enclosed roof which was a good spot to have a beer. They had another door that just opened to absolutely nowhere which was the sudden death door. Oh what do you mean by nowhere? It opens out the side of the house?

I think so. I think it's a third-story door that just opens into nothing with something with no floor below it. Into the void? Yes, into the, into the astral room. I'm sorry, Ryan. I had an aunt who had an interior one of those in a bedroom. There was like a door up at the attic level, like inside the room that just opened. I think you mean Breezeway.

That's what that's called. That's right. That's what we, on the listing. That's what we would call it. Big window. Juliet balcony. That's what is. you know what happened to Juliet

I would like to share one is it from Twitter no it's from it's from Reddit did you go and post your own because you know I didn't it's not like I looked through all these emails just for fun this is from Quora this is from Quora.com

no this is this is from Taylor it's on the spreadsheet we don't have any Taylars. Taylor writes in, I just like the visual on this one. Dad decided our house needed more insulation.

First of all, I'm not through the first sentence that I'd like to pause. This is 1,000% revenge for kids trying to tell him that they're cold and they want to turn the heat up. That's 1,000%. They're tired of these kids bitching about being cold. Dad receives January's electric bill.

And thus, a plot is formed. I'm fucking done with this shit. He's storming through the house and he realizes, and he's trying to find somebody to blame, and he realizes that everyone in the house is already wearing long sleeves and thick, fluffy socks. And, like, everybody's limbs are covered appropriately. One kid's even wearing a hat.

And he's like, oh, this is out. It seems like the house needs a sweater at this point. That's the only solution. He's going to make a fiberglass house cozy. This man, this man saw $178 on the hitting bill. It was like, Jesus, Christ. I didn't know you had to pay for things. He could have had a beer.

He could have chilled. He could have gone and made love to his wife. He could have gone. He could have, Spencer, he could have just set it on auto pay. He could have said it cost what it cause. And I'm moving on with my life. You don't even have to look at it. It's debit from your account.

You could have had a man, he could have has. Don't ever look at your bills, you fool. Coors light delivered to his house via a dressly orange. When you look at your bills, you feel bad. That's right. Do that. That's right.

And you feeling anyway doesn't change the bill. Just move on. Ryan, you call him and you say, I feel so fucking bad. They're going to say, okay, pay us $178. Oh, man. That's a shame. He could have watched the engaging show Physical 100 from Netflix, a story of endurance and keywork.

Which he's also. paying for without thinking about it. Right. He could have done it. God damn it. But no, but no, Don here saw $148 on the heating bill and decided I'm going to fix the money.

Tired, spend money. We're going to take this down to zero. Yeah. I'm going to make my castle snugly. So Dad, in a house to be fat so it doesn't get cold. It is. So dad, in a A house that I know already passed inspection for insulation standards accepted across most of the United States.

Nope. We're going to double stuff Oreo this house, motherfuckers. He decided that the wisdom of construction professionals was not enough. No. No. So what did he do? He rented one of those blower machines from Home Depot. I guess what he means is one of those machines.

That blows foam insulation all over the platform. Listen, who knows? Yeah, who knows? I'm hoping that's what he meant. That's probably right. That's probably right. It's got to be. All right.

I trust this, Dad. I trust Home Depot. I trust Home Depot that Oak Depot wasn't just like, you have a bunch of insulation and a blower that has nothing to do with insulation. I don't think we should sign off on this. So dad has already gone and we'll just keep track of the Capitol. he has already spent a considerable sum of money renting this and purchasing the insulation foam which i'm sure he spent a lot of time thinking about probably missing bethany's viola recital to do so exactly he's

probably already well past the mythical figure of a hundred and forty eight dollars which enraged him to the point of reinventing insulation science over a 30 year period i'm going to make money I'd be crazy not to I'd be crazy not to You could You could have gone and watched some Hulu buddy But no

Oh shit You're paying for Hulu too You know what Just for that Another role of insulation Yeah I'm going to build another goddamn house Around this house

So what do you do when you got to put more insulation in your house You got to get up in the attic. Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Fell through the ceiling from the attic into his bedroom, blowing insulation everywhere.

I want you to... This is great because he ruins his own space. He ruins. He ruins the apex of his castle. He does. He ruins the apex of his castle. Do you think he fucked up his own bathroom? Do you think he has to use the kids bathroom now?

Does he have to poop where the kids poop? No, out of principle, he's out of principle. he won't do it. It's warm in this bathroom because all the insulation feels great in here. I don't know what y'all are complaining about.

I got a soda. You know who's hanging out in just a short saw winter. Me. You know why? In my bedroom because I sprayed insulation over the door

and it won't open it. I'm trapped in here. I can prove myself but I'm cozy. Do you want the treatment for your room next? I've got to pull myself up through the ceiling.

I'm getting pretty swole. You're going to say, Dad's going to be a beautiful butterfly from springtime. They call me the Red Dragon. Oh, God. I want you to imagine. I'm going to do it again. A man possessed with the rage of $148 in heating bills

falling through his ceiling with this stupid fucking pump ejaculating like pink insulation foam, just jizzing it all over the room. I hope the power company called him that day. I was like, yeah, I might want to check for holes in the ceiling. You couldn't lose one. Boy. The very air had screams smeared on it.

Yeah, we did a meter check and buddy, God. 185. God damn it. Bring me more insulation. Disrupt. How are we going to patch that hole in the roof? I got it. Insulation. Before me, you're a slug in the sun.

I am privy to a great becoming. If I, oh, God, do you know anything? Do you know how much I would pay to watch my dad fall through the ceiling? Just shooting foam all over the place. I would laugh. Like a Ghostbuster. Yeah. Like a Ghostbuster in there.

I would laugh until. Like the Ghostbusters animated show where the plasma packs would often like make them fly up in the air. Yeah. Yeah. I would laugh until. until I died. Promise. And you'd die warm.

I would die so warm. I'd be like, Hey, Dad, is that more than $148 for the drywall damage? Is it $148 worth of entertainment? You know, the problem he has now is now all the kids pile into the warm room. And now it's so goddamn hot in there. Thanks, Dad. It's great in here.

I realize you broke your ankle for this. bedroom looking like the alien queen's nest but pink yeah like the chest

bursties yeah just me sitting there like Ripley holding him hostage by threatening to open the window

no don't let me out of here we're all open this window we have one that I should have connected to the broom dad

because it's that but even more fucking insane This is from Sean When I was in high school We had a rotting pine tree by the house My dad came up with a great plan To take care of it himself

He built an eight foot wood extension For his 32 foot extension ladder To reach the wall, whoa, whoa Wait, wait, wait Read those numbers again. He built an eight foot wood extension For his 32 foot extension ladder God damn

So he's leaning a 32 foot ladder Against a tree and putting something Homemade atop it? He is, yes. He's adding another. what, 25% of the original length onto it? Correct. To reach the lowest branch of a

neighboring pine tree. From this point, this is one where I wish we had a diagram. Yeah. All right, so we've got 32 feet of licensed ladder, eight feet of non-street legal ladder added to it. Bonus ladder.

To get to, not the tree in question, but a tree next to it. From this point, he mounted his electric chainsaw on a six foot point. and was going to saw, what in the fallout are you doing? The craft is game

out of control. If he ain't fallout yet, he's going to. He mounted his electric chains on a six-foot pole and was going to saw sections of the rotting tree from a branch on the neighboring tree while my brother and I pulled the cut sections away from the house. I was not one to doubt my dad,

but even my dumb 16-year-old self thought this seemed a little sketchy. He put it all together, for a dry run one one weekend and was going to do it the next weekend that Monday my mother's had professionals in our yard taking down the tree and I remain convinced I still have a dad and a child at home because of her no congratulations shelley I'm with you like like disaster for to live a little shelly listen the fact that you got ahead of yeah the fact that she got ahead of this suggests that this is not shelley's first rodeo you can modify I think she maybe

already has lived a little you can modify one thing you can you can tape two rooms together that's fine you can build the extension when you are like i will get up on my modified broom and use my modified chainsaw it's like no this is too this is a bridge too far you can pick one you can't do both chainsaw on the end of a pole of a pole he's going to be dad here's a fuck dad here's a bridge too short you're going to be exhausted just like lifting that thing once let alone lugging it up into the fucking stratosphere and holding it parallel to your body while standing on your

rickety ass 40 foot ladder. I'm worried about the integrity of the pole. Nice. He's strong. He's strong. Got it. Yeah. That's good. No, that's good. That's good. The pole's like, I'm about to break. But have I considered how strong this guy is? Yeah. Out of

respect, I'm not going to snap. I will hold it together because somehow he's survived this far. That is how in animal objects work. It's like a WWE document. the pole and the chancel are like listen man Sina made me better every time we went in the ring chainsaw in a pole match yeah

yeah I didn't think I was gonna but I had to sell for him that's just you know that's how good he is just fucking lights with his giant chainsaw lightsaber just hacking at the tree next to him like it would be safer to shoot the fucking tree with a gun over and over until it fell down

Set it on fire. Set the tree on fire. Hey, Dad, I got an idea. Why don't we burn this whole thing down next to our house? Dad would be like, sound safer. All right, Dad. So here's the danger level of your idea. Here's my idea, which is going to increase the safety, which is fucking dynamite, okay?

Now it's your turn. Try and top my idea in terms of safety, can you? All right. I'll add a second backup pole to the cheap. Fine. We'll build a ladder so you boys can be up there. I will assign little brother to be on the... ground holding a support pole hoisting the chainsaw from directly beneath the chainsaw.

Put the child with the chainsaw in hands. That's good. That's good. All right. You've seen a boom mic, right? Get on the stick. So we're going to take we're going to get a balloon and we're going to and we're going to get it like a spinning, a spinning fan and on one of the fan blades will be a chainsaw and as the balloon ascends, it'll slice the tree into like, cutlets all the way up and then we'll have just lots and lots of discs of tree we're gonna rotisserie in the tree boys yeah it's lower fat you boys want to make some frisbee's yeah and some memories i thought yeah mom's not home till monday come on yeah what kind of memories you know memories

good bad who couldn't say uh i know i said the other one was using fuse and tears of the kingdom no this is literally using the first one was tutorial Yeah, this is by the end of the game where you're like, everything breaks, who gives a shit. Yeah, if I saw this, if I saw this on a video that somebody posted online, I would be like, man, brilliant. This is how the game should be played. This dad was just, this dad was just ahead of his time. He was waiting on the right game mechanic. So my speed runner dad was in the front yard.

Yeah. What are you speed running? You know, dead kids. Life. I just want to get there real fast. Yeah. Divorce. I'm trying to see how quick I can do you.

Divorce. The record's 32 seconds, but I think I can break it. If I jump with the pole at just the right time, I'll clip through my marriage. What kind of irreconcilable difference? The game breaks and he's like flying for three miles. See, I believe in me and she doesn't.

They just keep pushing like, why and pause? can fly forever. Yeah, that's the difference. I have one from Lindsay. Metal slide in the backyard wasn't slidey enough. So dad fixed it by greasing it with turtle wax and giving my three-year-old sister a piece of wax paper to slide on.

Much to her terrifying surprise, she shot off that thing faster than any kid has ever slid in the history of shitty playground equipment and hit the ground like a meteor. That was over 30 years ago. Mom's still pissed. I feel like Mom's Still Pissed is probably the closer for all of these. Yeah.

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and it is DIY in a different sense but I think it applies and is in the spirit of things. When I was around five years old I got extremely sick. like many Mexican Latinx households our grandparents lived with us my grandparents having lived through the Great Depression

and immigrated from Mexico believed going to the doctor's hospital was for rich people and made sure to make their feeling known about this constantly I'm good this is how it's actually written I know

they tried to treat me with various Mexican remedies like fix vapor rub and 7 up typical remedy in my house hold. I will say this is a very familiar experience to anybody who has, if you got any Christian sciences to your family, shouts out. Everyone, there's like, it just takes like one to the family and all of a sudden everybody's like, don't go to the doctor. It just, it's not a good idea. Or if any of you are from Hilljack variety, this is also a very familiar experience. Also, with alcohol infused with various herbs and plants, among other things, I was still getting

worse. And suddenly, my mom went rogue and took me to the hospital. Turns out I had an appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery to remove my appendix. Doctor said had I waited a few more days, it would have burst. When I woke up from the anesthesia, I recall my grandfather, scolding my mom, saying that she didn't give them enough time to make sure the remedies worked, and said she was raising her kids to be weak. You got to give that ginger ale time. You got to let the tussin so put.

in. Reminder that many granddads are also uncles. Yes. You know what? A tough kid can blow an appendix or two. It's fine. I like that this grandfather has like, he's approaching this like an angry scientist. He was like, my research, you've ruined it. We'll never know. He's just basically, this is also, by the way, he's also playing the part of the economist, right? Like, yeah, don't worry about unemployment. It'll fix it. itself eventually. It'll be fine. What do you do? Just, you know what?

President Hoover, double down on that. Just let it ride. We're going to pour some seven up on your money. That'll cure inflation. Yeah. Flush some sprite through it. The bubbles will, the bubbles will get things moving. What is a burst appendix, but a hiccup in the process? That's right. That's right. I'll pull one from Twitter. Here's a quickie. From CF Thomas II.

I once blew the circuits of a six-story apartment building while trying to replace a power outlet. This sounds like something Emily would have done back in her heyday. I guess when she was a youth who burned down an apartment building, to be clear at three years old. That probably counts. Yeah.

Yeah, that does. I think that's on the apartment building at that point. Yeah. I didn't want it enough. They shouldn't have had stoves. No. no there's a great moment in that story though when it happens and slowly they realize this is not my problem alone when you hear hey oh no um so we had a couple of of submissions

that are best described as like looney tunesesque um one of them uh one of them jason has it's from Lauren and Spencer has the other one is from Daniel Jason yours involves uh looney tunes is in the submission involves a rock and a shovel and Spencer yours involves a toaster and I was hoping we could do those back to back sure that's special okay that's a good idea I wonder if we put them all out put all of them in here and we search for loony tunes how many times those words were from Lauren I was helping my parents with some landscaping managed to drop a very large rock on the end of a shovel that swung up and whacked my dad in the head, Looney Tune style.

He did not appreciate me crying, laughing, while blood was coming out of his ear. I was in my mid-20s at the time. That never figures you for a quitter, Dad. I have this one from Daniel. As a child, my best friend thought he could rip out a loose baby tooth from his mouth. by tying a string to a toaster. Oh, we've all got these stories, don't we? And the other end...

A toaster? This is different. A toaster? No, that's where I'm getting to. Like, in our house, it was a screen door, but like, this is a little bit different. Sure. But we've all had a baby tooth removal disaster, right? Mm-hmm. Yes.

Okay. I don't think so, but... And the other end of the string to his loose tooth. He then threw the toaster down a flight of stairs. But... And here's the... magical three words that make every story great it turned out that it wasn't heavy enough to just rip the tooth out and instead his whole body went flying down the stairs moments after he threw

the toaster before he crashed landed on top of it at the bottom of the stairwell injuring himself and destroying his family's only toaster not the toaster dude i got to ask wait finish the story the story. His loose tooth did not come out. It remains to this day. This is the one. Is this small child or huge-ass toaster? Of all the stories,

this is the one that I would most like to see, like, handy cam footage of just to watch at any point. Watching a child throw himself down the stairs via attached toaster it's got to be the funniest goddamn

thing in the world. Because like As in some kind of Wiley Coyote's setup, there is that split second between throwing while the court is midair, yep, and while the court is snaking away before the kid gets yanked out of frame. Was this the first toaster? I'm asking because I'm figuring if this was a toaster heavy enough to yank a child bodily off the top step

and send them hurtling down an entire... Well, the kid wasn't braced or anything. I think you're forgetting. I also think you're forgetting that, like, I'm assuming this is like an eight-year-old or something, right? I think it's a pretty, it's a pretty lightweight kid. I'm just saying, is this one of these like 1950s toasters where they're like, yeah, made by the crops facility in Germany.

It's lead-line. It's a 90-pound toaster. You can get inside this in case the bomb goes off. You'll be safe. Your toast will not be irradiated. The bomb falling with a child attached to it. so like we want a lighter toaster that's what we want here i know i'm thinking a lighter one would have done the job a lighter one would not have nothing would have done the job because apparently

this tooth was anchored straight to this kid's skull for life yeah but it's a load bearing tooth see this diagram shows load bearing tooth also put a toaster under the corner of the house it's going to be fine This feels like an efficient way to travel. Like a tesseract? Just like wherever you want to go, you throw a toaster there and you float along behind it. This is kind of wrinkle and timely.

The perpetual motion toaster. I would like to go back to back here because I just feel like this fits in the spirit of this. This is from Omar. Thank you for sharing this magical memory, Omar. I was 10, was grounded for looking up, quote, pictures of boobies, unquote, and had to clean the kitchen. Combined a bunch of cleaning supplies in my house to, quote,

save time cleaning, unquote, created toxic gas, comma, had to call 911, comma, went to ER because of inhalation of gas, comma, parents got me an N64 due to Kilt. Hell yes. That's not a disaster either. Omar is the only person in human history who got caught looking at internet porn

and got Nintendo 64 as direct results. What a fucking legend. What an accomplishment. If he got an N64 out of this, by the way, that means he was looking at some 32, pixel by 32 pixel. This is AOL. This is AOL porn. So I was sitting there for

17 minutes downloading a photograph. Yeah. Of Aboob. Yeah. I found a heavily pixelated and badly Photoshop image of Tia Carrera. I've been on

Brazilian angel fire all day. My affinity for ginger spice being well known at the time. I never realized how important passive voice is these stories because your hands are busy which I guess

this kid at this point in history this if I had known of this kid I would have been like that's my hero what a hero man think about it also he comes full circle because he started off looking at at like heavily pixelated boobs sure right

he then goes through a nail of a boob he then is rewarded for his effort with a Nintendo 64 which he then used to look at Natalia's heavily pixelated boobs and golden eye. My name got it all. He got it all.

And then I stared at the loading screen in perfect dark. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, man, all he had to do was permanently scar his lungs with chlorine gas. Fuck.

Oh, y'all. I have another thematic one that ties into one we did earlier. And also the rare good tweet from somebody with Buckeye, in their username. This is all kinds of unicorn. This is from Buckeye G.T.

My dad came over to help build a deck. He drove a screw through a board I was holding and all the way through my finger. His reaction, just hit meat? Okay, good. Grab a Band-Aid and let's keep going. Just hit meat. He hit meat.

This is, by the way, I love this man's understanding of anatomy. That it's just a skeleton surrounded by meat, like the meat zone. It didn't hit any veggies, did it? Like if you took like a side, a cross slice of the human body, it would just be like meat and unmeat. Yes, Ohio State Avenue. Yeah, meat and bone.

Bones, meat, blood pipe, heart. Blood probably falls under meat because it comes out of steak. All right in the protein. Meat juice. Poop container. Yeah. Gravy. it's it's poop is just post meat your body your body is all meat your body is three things hair

meat and bones and you don't eat bones or hair so you can create more meat at any time i think it's uh hair is soft meat bones is hard meat yeah you guys ever think we ought to write like a naturalist compendium yeah it'd be the ohio state naturalist compendium like with all the the illustrations that say fig underneath yeah absolutely you should good. On this anatomy chart, by the way, on the Ohio State anatomy chart, butt hole is butthole, right? It's like the proper, like...

Oh, 100%. That's the butthole. That's the one I know, yeah. Every, every valve in the body is a butthole. Yep. Hart's got multiple buttholes. That's how... Four chambers, four buttholes. That's a country song. You go to the doctor and you say, doctor,

my butt hole hurts. And your Ohio doctor says, you've got to be more specific but doctor they don't have ear, nose and throat doctors

in my triple butthole I'm an upper butholes doctor I didn't go to the Woody Hayes

School of medicine if you're okay listen how many butholes before you could play a person like a recorder

not to get it's like super handable here I think four I mean we're joking but like all these parts of your body

are we joking they're all called spinkers so like we're Not that far off from what medicine has already done. Medicine was basically like, all buttholes are, all holes are buttholes. So if you had like a trombone embassure.

You need 11 holes to play someone like a recorder. Okay. I should have asked server right away. We can make that happen. I was thinking six. So you need two people. Yeah. You need you make sure the holes are just in the meat.

Folks, we're seeking experiment volunteers for a little bit of summer science camp. If you'd like to be part of our musical human centipies, Yeah, we can just jigsaw this. That's what we can do. Very stupid jigsaw. Not everything is jigsaw. Not everything is jigsaw. This is the other one.

He's teasing me because he knows I'm afraid of puppets. Wow, that's rude. Yeah. This is from Billy. Oh, thank God. Built a trefoort bungee cord using some industrial. I lied. I lied.

The last kid who looked at so much porn he got a Nintendo for it is no longer. my hero. This is now my hero. Built a tree fort bungee cord using some industrial equipment-sized rubber bands that an older brother stole from a construction site. Part of Tennessee is this from.

That's what older brothers are for. Bungy jumps my best friend directly into the bottom of the garage knees. This is the other one that I would really like to see Handycam footage of because you know They're like, oh, this bungee cord is going to be fucking, oh, God, he's a broken tailbone. Mom called Derek's dead.

Derek's got to go home right now. So what we're going to do is we're going to get a long pole and we're going to put a chance on the end of it. We're going to use the bungee to build up momentum and it'll fire us into the air and then we'll simply slice down all the trees at once. And I will land in the pool. Meanwhile, dad isn't paying attention because he's looking at the heating bill going, $78. My God, I swear. Well, at least we didn't spend money on bungee courts to stop for a construction.

Oh, what was that thump on the roof? Get out of here, Santa. Somebody's trying to steal my insulation. That thump on the roof is sound financial planning, sir. Listen, man, the list of cool shit stolen from a construction site is always a great story starter. Okay, I got to tell a story. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. This is not.

The first time I took one of my college friends to visit my high school friends, and in some ways they were very different groups of people. We were at a slumber party in, I think, a condemned now apartment building at UT Chattanooga. It's three in the morning. A friend of mine who's appeared multiple times in disaster episodes on the show Strolls in with a three-ring binder. And says, anybody want to learn to operate a crane? and my beautiful

privileged roommate, God lover says, where did you get that? And he goes, from the crane. That's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I had one where a guy stole a, he stole one of those saw horses

from a construction site or from a road crew, you know, that have the light on the top. Okay, I was like, that's stupid. But if it has one of the blinkies on it, that's good. No, it's got a blinkie on it, right? To let you know that there's roadwork happening.

That's the technical term. And the blinkie is on it. And he was like, cool, I'm going to put it in my room. You know, I'm going to keep it in my room. But he couldn't turn off the light. So, like, the next day, it's cool. He looks haggard. He's got huge circles under his eyes.

It's like, what's going on, man? He's like, I couldn't turn it off. I had to tape two pillows on either side of it. Why did you just put it in the hall? The only possible solution. No, but he didn't want his parents to see it, so he had to keep it in his room. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is E.T. This is basically E.T. It's just this blinking demon in his closet going, click, click, click. You brought home a friend. You brought home the taill-tale saw horse. Spencer, can you hit us with Ben from Huntsville, please? I would love to. or Eagle.

My roommate and I were engineering students at Auburn and the dryer in the trailer we were renting broke. My roommate decided

to save money he would quote fix it unquote his fix caused the dryer to grind horribly whenever it was used until the point

it caught fire. My roommate saved no money. Be warned that he did get his engineering degree and is working as an

engineer. out in the world. War damn. There was another submission that I did not include here because I didn't want double dryer content but I believe it involves somebody

trying to repair a squeaky dryer by spraying WD40 into a lot while it was running so that by his logic he could definitely get it into whatever hole was causing the squeak

and the dry spoke like a true Protestant tossed him back like 15 feet because it's a fucking friction and heat machine you fucking home alone to yourself dude there's really a fine line between a dryer and a jet engine they're really like structurally it's not that long a trip

from one to the other hey I got another Twitter one here I got another I can fix it this is from Benny Pickett destroyed the latch and deadbolt mechanism on the front door of a rental

in Ocean City, Maryland fixed it the next morning with a combination of peanut butter and pretzel rods got the security deposit back went back a year later and pretzel-vaced repairs

were still in place. God, the triumph of the human spirit it really is something. It's very bold to return to the scene of that crime. Mm-hmm. Hey man, if it works,

it works. You know there's people who are like that. You know that that unit has been crime-free for a year. You know that there's people who are like that but for actual buildings, right? Like, yeah, I was in charge of an 86-story residential apartment building, and we accidentally built the whole thing on a garbage can. Anyway, it's still up next to Central Park. I live there.

Yeah, I live there. Dude, the stairs in the house that I lived in until 11 months ago, I put my foot through one of the boards going down one day. and they had been dry-rodded because this basement was so scary in such a murdery basement that I was kind of jokingly warning the Comcast guy as he showed up for the first time to run cable to the basement and he was like, oh, I've seen them all. And I was like, oh, yeah, you know, I bet you have, blah, blah, blah.

And he opens the door and turns on the light and I just hear him go, whoa. But anyway, when I went to inspect the stairs, the right side of the stairs of the staircase, sticking out into the room was was you know secured by a system of of two by fours like you do with stairs four by fours and whatnot the left side of the stairs was just balanced on a series of rocks that had been placed like like paving stones that have been placed atop the cinder blocks to approximate what height the stairs should be there's no nails there's no nothing they were just bored sitting and gravity works i lived in that house for like three three years before anything remotely untoward happened with these stairs. Gravity is nature's wood screw. It's fine. Well, from the look of the boards, they've been there for like 20 years, so I'm like, this may be worked.

Um, yeah, I do, I do want to share Polio McChrispies from Twitter. Sure. Because I don't want. Say that in Peggy. Say that in Peggy Hill's voice. Peggy Hill voice, please. Yeah. Paolo.

Polo. Paulo, Mac Crispy. Um, because I don't want Travis to sort of live his, I'm going to wash a bowling ball video game brain life alone. I love you, Travis. We love you, Travis. I don't want Travis to be alone. Travis is going in the pantheon with the dad A and dad B. I want Pollyo Crispy's dad to be part of this universe too because this is the most video game character design brain shit I have heard yet.

My dad once tried to fix a minor issue with my laptop. a butane torch was a part of the process he declined to get me another laugh he signed the waiver and as you can see

I just claim all liability so you're like hey dad the space bar kind of sticks sometimes dad his brain just went through tool you in head select inventory you know what it was he only has he only had one tool in his inventory

yeah Travis were you adopted here's here's what I bet happened dad is dad is trying to get the shell of the laptop back together to click back together and it's not lining up right and he's so he's going to melt it together like with cake frosting he's going to smooth it together like it's fond of no you know like if you've ever played team fortress two and you're You're the engineer building a sentry gun and you just bang on stuff on the wrench and it gets better. That's what was happening in this dad's head.

He's like, torch. Torch, make good. Torch make good. Later, wash bowling ball. Teach son to wash bowling ball. When computer on, computer warm. Therefore, therefore, warm, good for computer.

Warmer computer, better computer. Make computer strong. Fire much warm. Right? Can you put that entire. equation on a mug. Computer is so powerful. If warm computer, powerful, hot computer,

very powerful. Super computer. I'm on fire. What are they used to put shuttles in space, y'all? Jet fuel and computers. Either that, or he believes in the cleansing power of fire to make all IT. I think this was like a pagan. Is this a pagan ritual?

This is the Zora-A-Rat-I-T-E- Which, okay. Make it through a flame trial. The computer will now enter the divine light. It may experience

the divine light as fire and pain. It will only be temporary and then it will be redeemed. So I spit on it. We've got water. There's fingernails in there. That's Earth.

He's just going to work on this thing and the computer's like, Dr. Chandra, I'm scared. Was he? Oh, no. I just got sad. Was he torture in the computer?

All will be made new after the divine light. Tell me, where the files are, you fuck. Will I dream, Dave? Give me the porn thumbnails are all burned. I just buy him a 64,

so it's okay. Here is what, for my money, is the submission itself is not the biggest disaster, but I think it's the best combination of submitters' name and title and first sentence.

This is from Marissa, from Florida. And the first sentence of this submission is, when I was in middle school, my dad renovated a bathroom in our house into a, quote, wine room. Oh, no. The actual disaster, my dad was using a jigsaw to cut the drywall. The vibrations from the saw dislodged two dozen precious moments figurines from a shelf on the adjoining wall and shattered them to pieces. He then tried to glue them back together to hide the damage from my mom before she got home, she noticed immediately. If you are the kind of person who has found yourself married to a person who says,

you know what this bathroom should be, a wine room, you have accepted any and all damage that they may cause to your personal property and you cannot complain about it. You know where I'd like to get drunk. That Iowa lady. it is you know what a wine room is a bar you could have just gone to a bar listen if as long as you got a cup any depends on his papers maybe not this is the wine room this is my vaudeau chalet this is a liquor bathroom oh boy dinner dinner didn't agree with me i'm going to step into the vineyard for a moment if you don't

not now i'm on the beer toilet a white claw parlor. I love to smell my grapes. Also, those precious moments dolls, I bet they look so fucked up. Oh, yeah,

yeah, they all got real big eyes. The whole fucking nativity scene, you got arms coming out of heads now. Just look like Zinch went through them. Improved. Why are you bad?

I built you a wide room. You're ruined our bathroom. Yeah, just as planned. Also, I guarantee you there's like a maximum one other bathroom in this house. Correct.

And you know what it'll be soon? Oh, why? Marissa didn't say so, but everything about this story suggests that this man did not consult his partner before he decided to embark upon this journey. The entire plan was, look, honey, look what I made you. Look what I did. I destroyed your figurines and ruined back. You know the thing about those precious moments dolls of that era too? Like half of them are nightlights.

So if you're missing any pieces, like, it's just going to be glowing light through the cracks. Yeah. I sacrifice 24 hours, 24 angels to make our bathroom drunk. What do you mean you don't like wine? What takes place? So, like, she didn't say wine cellar. So, like, so like, what is taking place in this room? Like, did you make it?

Is there a counter? You sit on the toilet and you drink wine. It's a wine closet. No, that you poured into the bathtub so that it's, full of wine and you have a ladle and while you're sitting on the toilet you're saying ladle wine and you're like I love my wine room

I love that no appliances or furniture are leaving the bathroom as it is transitioning into a wine room is exactly the same with a hole in the wall for some reason oh the hole in the wall is so you can reach out until we can hand you more wine I'm just picturing

the wine room a restaurant in winter park Florida because like all right follow me down I'm just picturing him draping plastic ivy all over everything and calling it good Not now, I'm in the drinking basement How did Brian Harsen expense $800 at the wine room?

Dad's got a square in there He's just charging people. Yeah, I charged by the ladle. Oh, is there a window? He made like a drive-up. Is there a drive-up establishment here? He's just ladling wine out of the window for like $3 a little. He gestures to the sink

When you like the house red He gestures in the bathroom or the house white People are lining up to like To bob for a wine soaked apples Your neighbors are like knocking on the frosted glass Like hey you got any of that bathtub wine June to a bowling ball incident The wine room is closed until further notice

The dog just jumps in it Oh you ruined the whole batch Rosco Oh we got dog wine It's got Tijuana Because the dog's name is Terry. Right, get out of the wine. Go on to that damn wine. You just pour in three liters of like Ernst and Julio Gallo like the kind of stained your teeth.

He has definitely not checked the bathtub for the pet hedgehog, which is now drunk as shit. Just somebody at the frosted window that you're ladling wine out of going, you got any chips? You guys just start selling snacks. It's popcorn. It's Papa John. It's saying this. Boy, you got a concept here for fast casual. Let me tell you.

It's charcutory and you're just giving a beef jerky. It's just jacklinks. Okay. Oh, no, that's in the meat room. I would patronize this establishment. It sounded pretty good. Yeah. Put some Christmas lights in that bitch.

It'll look great. And some really fucked up precious moments to all. You know also, Dad's going to get up in the middle of the night and he's going to piss in the wine room. Forgetting you dumbass It happened again Sorry, beat the wine It's $2 a ladle now

I added acid It's a blend The pH balance was off This is a house blend It was unsafe to swim in So yeah Yeah pH By that I mean piss handle

Now imagine this guy married to the mom Who's trying to make pool chemicals in the kitchen Well we all got little projects don't we? who made $83 last night Linda huh I think we're talking to kill each other on accident

I'm saying I feel bad that we're automatically assuming an innocent partner here but maybe not dude how cool would that be if there was a house in your neighborhood otherwise a knock

his neighborhood that you could go knock on the window put a $5 bill up and a hand would slowly extend out ladle ladle and just ladle wine into whatever

was waiting describing an alcoholic glory hole tilt your mouth Hey open your mouth and lead back Like I said Do we want this to be anonymous Or do we want it to be friendly

Oh it's you know I think you want it to be a little Like do you want conversation Or if you're seeking wine by the ladle From your neighbors are you beyond Yeah I don't think you're asking for the menu I think you're I think at that point

I think at that point you're I think at that point you probably wanted anonymous I think based on a close reading of the text Marissa noted, he then tried to glue them back together to hide the damage. So this is a secretive situation. I'm getting notes of coriander and old crest. Asparagus? Sorry, the teen sent off some axe body spray.

Really gave it some notes of axe. Crying. I don't know that this didn't exist, frankly. This might have happened in Palm Harbor. I might be remembering a repressed memory here. A handful of wine from a neighbor? Yeah, that's it. Next time Spencer goes into a new house,

he's going to be like, one of these could be a wine room. New house? This is such a house right now. Please. This is such a bad idea, too, because have you ever been at, like, wine rooms are supposed to be climate controlled.

The humidity is supposed to be low. When have you ever been in a standard American house? Where the bathroom was like, yeah, I want to spend more time here. You're like, it's kind of stuffy in here. It's above ground. The fucking fan, the exhaust fan going off when you're going to look through your wine. Yeah. I mean, if you have enough wine, any room is fine.

It's true. Yeah, you want to make sure the wine is like, you know, moldy. That's, that's, that's a give it this flavor. You went lumpy. Yeah. Yeah. This is from at Stan underscore try. My dad built a homemade go cart.

my sister ended up breaking her femur in half I was driving that's it that's it legendary wow I was driving you know what it would be different if it was

I was driving and I broke my femur but no we took some we took a stranger's femur along for the right that's not a stranger no I'm sorry

I feel like sister knew what she was getting into she was three no see it doesn't say that in my version there's another three year old sister one in here

Oh, that was the one on the slide. In my version of this, she's like, I'm not getting in that. That's not safe. And she ends up with the broken fever somehow anyway. Oh, this idiot ran into her. Yeah. Oh, I am sorry. Can I give us a, can I give us a Cota?

Please do. Follow up from Buckeye GT. This is the same dad who accidentally clipped my brother's head with the claw end of a hammer while hanging a birdhouse. Nothing like having to add context for the social workers at the ER to a child's statement of dad hit me in the head with a hammer go bucks go bucks