Shutdown Fullcast - DYNASTY TIME

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

--Why is Ben Franklin smiling on the 100 bill? Because he's pantsless --NCAA FOOTBALL IS BACK! (Again. Not more than it was. On the way? BACK.) --Ryan on why Congress should pass legislation to bring back Banjo and Kazooie --A brief diversion into a musical about Aaron Burr slapping Alexander Hamilton to death --Which schools in the new NCAA video game that should be inherently corrupt --The challenge of putting fake facilities in the game more absurd than the real ones --Did you know Auburn's current football facility has a flight simulator? You do now! --A proposal for real coaches, i.e. your staff might be mostly inept family members --BOOSTER MODE --Holly issues an amazing challenge for next week's episode  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Your mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother. welcome to the shutdown full cast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i'm spencer hall that's not your fault uh tonight we are talking who thought it was that's the first true thing you've ever said on i mean who on who on earth was like oh i'm really taking ownership for that what if a hall ancestor is listening It's totally their fault. Wait, are you saying a ghost or like a 500-year-old person? Who am I to judge?

I don't think that's a judgment call, but okay, sure. I mean, if a 500-year-old person wants to listen, I welcome them to the show. And if they are Spencer's ancestor, then I think it is incorrect to say that they have had no influence over what has just taken place. Damn. He said welcome. We assume somebody who would live to 500 would actually be really wise. No, they would probably learn a bunch of use. things but none of them coherent especially if they were my ancestor because you say oh is this a 500 year old ancestor of spencers and i'm like my ancestor if they lived 500 years their greatest thing that they would have gone would be like hey listen the mic rib is coming back they mess with you but it always comes back wisdom has an expiration date anyway because if like Isaac newton was still alive today he'd be like he'd be like god everything i thought was fucking stoop god jesus forget it fucking forget it i just want to switch

they go through i think people would go through like 500 a thousand sometimes 1500 years of just you know stuff yeah messing around like hey man what's is he newton doing he's got to crack like more exciting challenges and made even more discoveries you're like no actually he's just been like vibing it's just been vibing for like 800 years just been playing animal crossing for 20 years straight quit sub tweeting me what the fuck ryan i'm sorry i'm sorry Sorry that I'm calling you one of the most important people in the history of science. I'm sorry. No, that's fair.

Yeah, so you know that. So you know that guy who on Cruising USA set all the records and put his name as ass on every arcade machine from like 1986 to 1994? They're all Isaac Newton. They're all Isaac Newton. That's eyes ass Newton. Yeah. Who's that weird guy with the wig who keeps creeping out the kids and playing cruising USA all that. That's David Byrne.

That's David Byrne. That is David Byrne, but his close personal friend, Isaac Newton. Yeah. I think people would go through like long dry spells. I think like, you know, you'd be like, oh man, look, that's Benjamin Franklin. What's he doing? You're like, I'll be honest. Benjamin Franklin has just been dating old ladies and like live in Lafita Loca for the past.

Dude, Benjamin Franklin was a hound. Yeah. I mean, that's all he was doing during his first Yeah, he managed to do that Yeah, 80-something years on actual earth Yeah, Benjamin Franklin might be over sex at this point Benjamin Franklin would be like, listen, I've just been making pottery Benjamin Franklin was a gun-toting, bear-killing fuck machine

Then Benjamin would be making pottery and then fucking the pottery I mean, they put them on the hundred for a reason, right? Like all the treasury of people going Is that how he keeps it? Yeah, who are we going to put on the 100? That's got to be Benny, baby. That's it.

Who are we putting on that? The guy from Philly. It says here, it says here in the original manuscripts that he should be canonically pantsless, even though you can't see any of that. That's why he's smiling. Yeah. They got a bunch of grumpy motherfuckers on all the dollars,

except for Ben. Dix. Delighted to be there. All these presidents. with their dicks packed up and their woolen undergarments not Ben Franklin flapping in the wind

George Washington with his his his dick made of a wooden cows tooth or whatever it's an honest fellas Ben Franklin out here just Ben Franklin out here

just waltzing through a field be like bitch I got a kite tied to this Benjamin Franklin the original Yinyang twin What if lightning strikes it Oh what is Franklin

Benjamin Franklin Just on the headstone Where do you see my dick In the old font Right Farrie about your That's it man Benjamin Franklin would totally be a WIP

Caller He'd be like Dougie Peterson lost it I'm glad you fired There's Benny F Yeah We'll go to Benny F here Yeah long time birds fan

Real long time birds fan Go birds Go birds Turkey specifically Should have been a turkey But I don't know We'll go with the Eagles Whatever

That's why you don't have to waste time Listening to anybody Who insists that Philadelphia Should be different Or altered in any way It has literally always been like this Every No other place in America

Has been The same way Has been Fucked up in the same way For as long as it has existed As has Philadelphia Their totem Their totem is a broken

fucking bell they let you know right away what they're about hey come in yeah my house a fucking dumb say something about it say something about the bell somebody in philly right before they were going to do the liberty bell right they thought hey man ben franklin's from here like we got all the people with the biggest city in this beautiful new experiment

and democracy listen like times here they're going to be good forever they're going to be good forever bro like we're just going to go up and up and up And then they rang that thing and it cracked. He's like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Go birds. Go birds. Look at that shit.

Soft than McNabb. They were immediately like, how are we going to shore up this disappointment between our potential and our outcome? They'll be like, sports radio. Sports talk radio. That's all we're going to fill this with. Go birds. That and cheese steaks. It's a terrible thing that nobody likes to eat.

But we're going to claim it's good. And wah-wah. Cheese states are fine. Rocky is terrible. Yeah. but we're going to disagree on that rocky one you can reach me at edsbs on twitter

the rocky experience rocky sucks rocky five sucks rocky one sucks rocky rocky rocky i know rocky three sucks look i never get to do anything wrong or bad on this show just let me have this one rocky two and four good

we can all agree rocky four rules rucky four absolutely rocky four is when they're like ah fuck all this let's do the dumbest movie possible i will say i will say that i would have seen rocky i had not seen rocky before last year and i no i say last year like it was in quarantine because we watched this in quarantine but i would have seen it a lot sooner if anyone had ever bothered to tell me that it starts with a bunch of philadelphians booing a weeknight boxing match in a church yeah it's no one told me

this an ugly horrible one no one rocky one is the most philly shit in the world because like you're supposed to cheer it dude specifically because he got his ass whooped and demanded to have his ass continue to be whipped rocky four of course is the pinnacle of patriotism and sense for is the lesson that powerful steroids and cutting edge science can be beat with farm equipment rock four ended the cold war carry this tree climb this mountain haul this yoke don't do drugs that immediately showed the Soviet guy looking fucking awesome doing drugs. Show the Soviet guy

looking like the best, coolest thing in the world, and he's got needles, jabbed him at all points, and he's deadlifting like a truck. Think about how amazing it was that breathlessly were like, you know who's going to be the face of this anti-drugs Rocky movie? Sylvester Stallone.

Who is now like 80 years old, bring it back Rambo as like Deadpool. And like, and And, you know, looks like... Just made out of Slim Jim at this point. Yeah, like, seriously, man, that dude pees and it melts the porcelain at the back of the toilet. This is now two straight episodes where you have...

Folks, a little inside baseball. We're recording two episodes in one session, and that is how we remember what happened in the previous... Yeah. I believe the previous term was shitting a groove in a toilet. No, I would have remembered that one, I think. It was something like that. It was like half an hour ago. That suffered, Rocky Four suffers from my favorite delusion of any Cold War movie

and the inadvertent effect of, hey, we need an effective villain. You're like, oh, so the outcome is this. The Soviets are going to look incredible. We're going to make them awesome. Every kid who walked away from any Cold War movie that involved direct competition with the Russians walked out and like me, thought, God, I can't wait, wait to overthrow the bourgeoisie. Mom, can we be Russian?

Can we be Russian? They never cry. I'm so tired of crying. I'm a kid. I cry all the time. They punch people so hard, it breaks like science. God, I don't want of their punches. I could punch Toby from third grade, and he'd die if I were Soviet. If I could just be Russian, that would happen. I could punch Steve, and he would die if I only had Soviet steroids. This would be the greatest thing ever. Even Hunt for Red October, you saw Hunt for Red October as a kid, and you were like,

yeah, they're sitting on the ships and shit, and, like, they eat. eat radiation for lunch they're awesome they smoke underwater these dudes rock they're fantastic and then they made a thing about charinople no fine turns out the claims of eating radiation yeah the claims of eating radiation might have been exaggerated yeah um tonight i wanted to one talk about how fulfilling and awesome it would be to be an extremely roided up Soviet super athlete

and having accomplished that, check, I wanted to move to the next item, which is this. NCAA football is back, baby. It's back! Back? It's not actually more back than it was before. Yeah.

I mean, it's kind of, I guess, like, it's coming back and I... It's on the way back. A number of years that is, I would say, multiple. It's planning on it. Yeah. I mean, I love the shuffle EA pulled off where it's like, we always knew they're going to bring it back. And we always knew basically they're going to try and do it in a way that is more, oh, what's the word legal than it was the last time around.

And I think EA announcing that they're going to go ahead and bring it back when they can, I think that is a sign. They are highly confident in the outcome of the NCAA. various legal situations like I think this is basically EA saying like hey we're going to be able to pay the players in a number of years call it two or three let's release a college football video game in a number of years call it two or three it's just funny how easy these things are to predict for the people who have a lot of money I guess yeah it's there's there are a number of things going on I feel like that EA made in the announcement that you know the game was back didn't actually change fundamental facts the case which is that all this is

being negotiated without the NCAA. Is this funny? Yes, in a couple of different ways because the NCAA never really had a chance at establishing getting their snout in the trough of this particular feeding frenzy, which is cool. That makes the skinnier NCAA pig

gets them one day closer to starvation because the entire organization should close forever and not exist. And everyone who walks there should walk away because they should all be ashamed of themselves. And I say that it's somebody who works on the internet. I think it should continue to exist, but in the way that there's, like, a CNBC store in an airport where you're like, you're like, you're just selling, you're just selling granola bars and water and magazines. What is, and you're like, it's the CNBC store.

Please understand. It's very different from Hudson News. Totally different. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's right right next to the Fox Business store. Yes, that's right.

The Fox Business Cafe. Yeah. I also think by the. way that that the other funny thing the other side of this is congresspeople who will take this opportunity to go well you know what the game could come back because we're going to do legislation no they'd already cut them out of the game this is going to be negotiated with individual schools the NCAA was already completely short-circuited from this but chris murphy of connecticut go the hell off chris murphy yeah you got some retweets bro but now this does not concern

you sir that's it you're doing this to the gram we appreciate your efforts we appreciate you uh uh uh vocalizing the movement to bring the video game back. But got it from here, sir. Capitalism's going to take over. EA sports would like to make money. That's it. I just think if you're going to be the video game center, you've got to go all in.

You've got to be like, I'll also be introducing legislation to improve the release schedule of Smash Brothers characters. We're going to be bringing back Ratchet and Clank very strongly with the good weapons. Tell me why Banjo Cazooey is not available for the Nintendo. switch. You can't explain it. This is America. Goddammit. More and more people everywhere you go have complaints about the state of the tech and franchise. Something must be done.

I'm Chris Murphy and I got two words for it. I got three words for you here. You ready? Half life three. Half life three. Proper. You have this bullshit. No mercy to. We're giving everybody a vaccine and a PS5. That's what we're doing. Johnson and Johnson's going to start making PlayStation fives because I told him too. Because we need people to stay home. People stay home. Vaccine alone isn't what we need. We need vaccines. We need masks.

We need people staying home playing PS5. Yeah. I've vowed to make Fortnite good again. We're going to end pay to play. It's all stopping. We're not going to have any of this. Yeah. Chris Murphy,

you need to go all the hell in on this. None of this half-thipping, okay? I think what we have here, John Ossoff, our newest senator from Great State of Georgia, this dude is a gamer. This dude's kind of a dork. Like his old, you know, his tweets from like, six years ago he's like complaining about like mega gamer stuff he's going to get in there

and he's going to push chris murphy in the right direction right now because he's going to be like we need star wars battlefront three we need it out now and chris murphy's going to be like oh no i've been lapped on my own my own gimmick yeah then he'll be then he'll look like he's like desperately trying to be cool he's like you guys want pong back osoph's like knights of the old republic one way better than two miss murphy sorry you You're out of your elements, sir. This guy's based. This is day.

This is so good. The Supreme Court just ruled you can't be odd job. Shit. I'm sorry. I wouldn't want to interfere in the free market of golden eye competition. Okay. And state that you couldn't be odd job, right? That's right.

The right to their arms includes the golden gun. I think that would be the first law, America is passed that you know makes it harder to shoot people much as I loathe proximity minds and think that people who use them are bitches I have to defend your right to use them yeah sorry that's in the Constitution you know got to hear that back excuse me I have to I have to defend the right of your bitch ass to use them that would be I wasn't winning the amendment I had it back off just a proclamation in the Senate to recall call anyone who uses proximity minds

a bitch ass along with the statement that the clob was a bitch ass gun I had it backward banning odd job would make everyone easier to hit so that wouldn't fit with America's that was the slappers only Democratic contract with America let's get it going slappers only I mean let's hear the Alexander Hamilton would still be alive wouldn't he not now but maybe I don't you don't know you don't know how strong Aaron Burspin Pam was To be clear, you could not make a hip-hop musical about a man who got slapped to death. Yes, you could.

Oh, my God. No, that would be, like, that would so be even, like, way more. I mean, if you do that, I will actually watch it. Yeah, okay. If you make fucking slap Hamilton, I'm going to watch it. Can you imagine, by the way, this is to be, like, everybody who loves Hamilton, that would be the perfect thing in the world. Alexander Hamilton, right?

And that he was, in that Alexander Hamilton, they're like, oh, he's this big believer. in the free market and like really just wanted things to I love I love that like the idea of him getting slapped to death they'd be like it how did he die well he had such a weak constitution he was slapped to death that's like he got slapped and was like that hurt to defend his honor after Aaron Byr narrowly lost the presidential race they rode across the shore to New Jersey where Aaron Burr slapped the shit out of him for 28 minutes until he died you know what we could do second's like I think you can stop now I don't know the rules I didn't read any of them shit It's not like this IP is locked up By any company or Landwell Miranda or anything It's a real person who's really Anyone can write a musical about Alexander Hamilton

It's a wonder there's only one We can sit down right now and create Slap Hamilton the musical We could do that There are no laws against it We're missing the fun one Which is an entire musical about Aaron Burr Slapping the shit out of people left and right

That's it Yeah It's a time travel and slap Slap dualist everyone everyone's on wires so when he gets slapped they fly to like the third row right yeah like Crouching Tiger

Holy shit Just slap spider man did God damn it right You got there Julie Tamor Is twitching somewhere And just not know why Are these gonna be puppets Julie

We know that's an area of deep experience No No these are actors We're gonna do all kinds of things Aaron Burr went to France And slapped Napoleon into St. Helena, like slapped him so far. I went to orbit, landed in St. Helena.

Yeah. This is, this is, again, full cast business ideas. We give these out for free. If you use them, we ask that you, we give, we give us a. We don't give these out for free. Ryan, you're a lawyer. 49% cut. I like what, I like where Spencer's gone.

We have a binding agreement that we don't have to do the work. They will make it and we get half the money. What made Aaron? Burr so powerful and he was so obviously an asshole hardest hands Monster energy drink Diamond hands Diamond hands

Aaron Burr uncovered the first monster energy drink well in North America Horned it for himself and slapped his enemies to fucking death That was the real fountain of youth in Florida He found it and it was monster Don't So don't put that past Adio Kojima

To do a monster That's right Let us let us Lest we forget his last video game Had like basically the last company In the world would be Monster Energy Drink Yeah, that's true So they might as well be first as well

Oh, I want to see this musical so bad So in NCAA football comes back We need You know, there's some sort of a musical mode And also we need Hadeo Kojima To be in charge of the The story mode Single player story mode

Like you're a new freshman on campus your arm is a robot your robot arm leaves you your university is part of the Illuminati and the Bilderberg group and the trilateral commission but like that's like that's covered in like the first paragraph right like that's not the story and your girlfriend is made up of nanomachines and girlfriend's made in nanomachines oh but it's got metal gear each of the nanomachines is also a separate girlfriend sure and and you're a clone she's your coach and yeah you're the coach and university president senator king man is uh right right is your villain right rival quarterback rival quarterback is the guy you have to defeat on the depth chart but you have to

defeat him with uh so like he takes your robot arm yeah he's your son also he's your son he got there like five years before you and he's still there but he's your son yeah me well if you want to recruit or anybody else you can fault and extract them that's it you don't have to actually recruit them you can that's actually how you get thrown out for targeting yeah the rep

the ref comes over and test so when BVo breaks loose and tries to chase down uh go mm-hmm mom

oh oh oh fucking game that was like this is going to be about the seriousness of the battlefield and also you can tie a magic balloon to anything buddy stampede and livestock have done a great deal on a number of historical battlefield yeah that's true that's true yeah but you know what part has a cassette featuring a man taking a very loud shit featured in an important plot point because you can get away with a lot of things in uh phantom pain if you have a cassette that you can put

into your Walkman and play as long as you hide in a port-a-let and you play this tape of a guy taking a really painful, like, horrible. Okay, we keep coming back to this, and I need to know why. I don't know. Got a dog fart next to me. It's probably wrong.

I think the thing in EA Sports NCAA, college football. Metal Gear Football. Vamos, NC, you're no longer needed here. EA Sports College Football, brought to you by Hadeo Kojima is when you get the poop tape. You can play at Notre Dame Stadium. That's right.

That's right. That's right. The band will play the poop tape for you. Yeah. This is, we combine this with GTA 6 college football and man, the mini games. The mini games alone. I have notes on what I think we can do to make sure that the game is right this time. I bet you do.

Because the game is good. We all know the game is good. The game has been from time to time, great. The worst editions of the NCAA game featured 12-foot-tall middle linebackers. There was just a couple of years where they decided that the middle linebacker could not be thrown over. But they were very Kojima. They were like secret ninjas. Yeah, they really were.

They would appear out of nowhere, and then they would say things like, You will never crush me! Yeah, like that's occasionally they did that. So even then they were kind of enjoyable. But last edition, it's 2K14, it's a very, it's a very, very very good video game i do think there are improvements that can be made you don't have to take all of these ea in fact um i know you won't because chances are knowing ea and again chris murphy if you're listening you might want to pursue some legislative action against EA because they're just

going to basically throw out the same game they're going to throw out 2k14 with like a couple of new graphics there still might be ads for bankrupt companies in there with that's how lazy EA is been it'll just be 2014 with ultimate team Chris Murphy this is what you need we need you to head off college ultimate team Chris Murphy headed off yeah no pay to play no collections none I don't want to cash in a single damn card I don't I don't I don't want a notification to open a card no I want bad players when players rated 64 that I recruited from Hawaii to UMass stars to play for my one star program I do not want any you know gold legends

on my garbage football team Chris Murphy. I want Dave Wanky the less athletic Winky brother. That's right. You can't have Chris in an ultimate team because Chris is still on an active college roster. But could you get Chris Winky now? Yes, yes.

You can add him onto a college to him. I need Matt Mahomes who's a CPA. That's why I want playing left guard for me. A BVCPA who was never going to go to the pros. That's what I want. Tim Tebow, DDS. Oh, I'm sorry, you said never going to go to the pros. I'm sorry, that's Tim Tebow, playoff game champion. Sorry, that's Mets minor leaguer.

Yeah. Tim Tebow? Probably. Wouldn't rule it out. It's the Mets. It's like, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. I mean, GameStop's going to make him bankrupt anyway. Not really relevant. Stogs. So I think, one, recruiting, Recruiting in previous games. If you're not familiar with the NCAA franchise, recruiting was more a matter of constantly paying attention to people, spending points, having coaches who could max out their skills. It was like being bad at texting.

It was like a dating relationship simulator. Yeah, but if you were extremely bad at dating and relationships. Which is why you're a football coach. That's fair. What about this? It's realistic. Asked the four. or five coaches i know listen to this show the uh the most recent 2014 um the consultants for the recruiting

mode i'm not making this up where kevin sumlin and dana holgersen oh i'm not making that up fuck so you're telling me if you put in the kanami code you'll get like a really good cocktail recipe yeah if you hit that it'd be like hey listen his mother quite a looker Let me know if you're need me to sweet talker a little bit. That's where I disagree, little lady. You wake up

in the parking lot of a stuckees. Don't turn me on the air. Your breakfast is being jerky. So I think recruiting, you just need to straight up have cash. And you don't have to just say we're going to pay the recruit. I get that you can't do that.

But you need a recruiting budget because you don't get recruits without having a recruiting budget. Hang on. I want to be able to pay the recruits. If I want to, I need to be able to. Let the market decide. Well, that's right.

We don't want you. Okay, so the way we can do that is if you say, we have a $70 million recruiting budget. Buddy, the NCAA is going to come knocking at about 10 minutes. But they're not in this game. They don't exist. It's not NCAA. In the world of money, in the world of A sports, college football by head of

the game. You know, like the commercials. Oh. Oh, God. Yeah, this is great. I think in schools, by the way, I think this is a theme in my suggestion. Schools are also in the game.

That is a theme. Schools should have propensity to pay. So if you take SMU, buddy, your pay multiplier, it starts off at like a plus 50. You're so much more likely to pay people. You can't turn it off if you're SMU. You can't have pay a recruit. Yeah.

No, it's built in. You'll be like, I'm not going to pay that recruit. And you click A and it's like, you have paid that recruit. It's what happens. I wanted to talk to them about the college experience. At SMU, your boosters, it's like one of those Minecraft villages that's automated and running itself. And it's like, oh, they're clearing out this mountain and they're, they're manufacturing stuff and shipping it. You know, people do this in Minecraft.

That's SMU's bag men, just shipping work and you cannot stop it. There's too many parts. Yeah, SMU is basically going to be like Red Dead 2, where it's like, oh, you barely touch the right trigger. You threw cash to recruit in public. Yeah. That's it. You're going to have to say, guess how you're the only way to fix this is say howdy like a thousand times.

I don't know, man. It was a martini glass full of nickels. You might have to pay for some minor cosmetic surgery there. Meanwhile, Michigan. I was just feeling that ponies. Michigan's money slatter is down at one, of course. One, but you would like a nickel to come to the university.

One for one, fair and square. I have a Barnes and Noble gift card with $17 left on it. Does this do anything for you? I'll split it with you if you agree to come to Michigan. I will purchase a book and read it and tell you about it. Oh, yeah. Listen, this is all like... Is there anything more worthwhile than knowledge?

I submit there is not. Is there anything more worthwhile than knowledge that I have gained and allowed you to observe me gaining? All of the text updates, too, are crazy, right? Because you don't get like little cut scenes of this. You just get text. update so if you pick miami it's like hey top prospect you know can falcons stern has uh just wow nailed it i did has he's a writer spencer's a writer has just been in now no no not right now has just been in a yacht accident right like that's you know that's that's that's got to happen

because because you're going to if you're boating deaths if you're a miami recruit you're going to be involved in a boating accident it's just going to happen you know because you know it's like it's like at the end never mind oh god I almost made it so much worse yeah I actually pulled myself up short before that one that was good

I also think I also think they're recruiting no no I'm sorry just feature just feature blind Han solo going boat attack boat attack sorry I changed my name again I mean technically that scene is a boating accident yes

I think I think the recruiting in this game should also like it wasn't very satisfying in the previous iterations because it was all just tech space and just be like yes he's agreed to commit and I think they should just do hat ceremonies and make you sit through this shit

and just be like all right here we go it's national it's early national signing day here's how you cannot skip you cannot skip ahead yes yes wow can you sweat can you make it a mini game while they're picking the hat can you if you time it just right can you do a little mind control

with your mind control hat Yes, and then every like 30 recruits or so, like the mom or dad runs away with the letter of intent, and you have to chase them down and get them to sign it. Yeah. Or you try to sway or you try to sway one of the parents using whatever devices you have. For instance, if it's like, do you want to declare your love for the mother in order to get this recruit there? Do you want to declare your love for the father? What do you want to do? Do you think that's an attraction or a deterrent?

You'll only find out by trying. Yeah. So I think there also has to be a minigame. You know what? I believe that you believe that. During the hat ceremony that a rival coach is going to come in and try to recruit them at the last moment. You have to fight them. We need a fighting game, right?

And like, it is based strictly on not physique of the coach is based on their recruiting caliber. So, like, you know, you can have like some mat coach who's like six, eight, but you're like, whatever, you're a mat coach, you know? But then, oh shit, here comes the final boss. It's Nick Sabin. And you look at him, and it's like looking at Snoop Dog and Def Jam Vendetta, where it's like this dude weighs seven pounds, but he fights like fucking M. Bison, right? So like Nick Saban just blasts you off the screen and takes your recruit. All right, lightning round.

What other games, whether they be video games, games in real life, sports, should have surprise combat elements? Hmm. Spencer. Tetris. Jason. Tetris I would say

I would say all of them probably I have one bubble bubble bubble bubble like a surprise fighting code that you can insert into any game

Jeopardy Oh thank God yes Especially if Dr. Oz gets to host So I understand you have an interesting cat

That's cool Fight him in the Octagon Save him Yeah save him He will die If you do not defeat young Toby From Northwestern in combat

here on the campus edition of Jeopardy. Oh, Toby, you deserve better. Be the wildest of cats. A second Toby drops in. It's the daily double. Fool. Your mother and the cat.

Why are you Bain? Both of them shall die. Jeopardy Bain. Fuck, if Bain was the new host of Jeopardy, that shit would be... Oh, my God. Do you feel Hardee?

Like actually Tom Hardy. I'm nude. Jeopardy is made for Tom Hardy Bank's because I already got everything written on the screen. So you can't understand a fucking word. Tell me something

who is Marcus Aurelius? About yourself. That is correct. That is fascinating. Better. Tom Hardy is your answer in the form of a question. Tom Hardy comes out as Bronson for the final jeffrey covered in blood and nude. Every episode ends with him being beaten by riot police.

Welcome back! You are out of money. Everybody on this show does a really good bait. I'm also a big fan. of like you should be able to get if you're recruiting somebody you should have to fight Twitter the whole time like weird tweets from people who are super thirsty also you should be able to invest points or cash into a church it's like would you like to have an affiliate church now we're talking in the game yeah oh in the game would you like to have a church that's like really

closely affiliated with your coach and with your program that just suddenly I don't know all of a sudden all the players end up going there weird be hard to track cash through there The thing about the cash element of this future version of the game is not the like, oh, you'll get to pay players, whatever. It's that you'll get to get burnt. And that's the real value of it. Like, yeah, you might be Auburn and get Cam Newton. You might be Mississippi State.

You might hand somebody 30 grand or whatever. You don't ever want to be Mississippi State. No. You're like, oh, you're not coming here? Oh, fuck. I have nobody to complain to about that. Who would I complain to about that? You're taking the $30,000 I'm not supposed to give you.

There's one button there, right? It's not report to MCAA. It's snitch on Ole Miss. Hammer that button. That would be, one coaching strength should be snitching, right? Do you want to go more points towards snitchin? I'm just building Phil Fulmer here. 90,000 out of 100 for snitching?

Dump all my points in snitchin and shicaner. and internal backstabbing backstaffing McAvellian schemes That's more of a front stabber Yeah he's just more of a front stabber Did you leave any points for

Passer development? Sure didn't Nope This is also this actually feeds really well into my next point A central like some schools Would have actions that would occur No matter what And you would simply have to deal with them

SMU would just pay players. Michigan simply would not pay players as much as they should get. Ohio State you're just going to have a really hard time with quarterbacks on the hole, okay? One or two might work out, but there are going to be a lot

of arch leicesters in there, okay? Oh shit. I'm really sorry. I have some news. Yes. And I didn't remember it until you mentioned the big 10. Breaking. Ryan already knows this because he

is the one who sent me the story about the cannon. Oh, yeah. I am going to play, we're going to play a game. I'm going to read you a headline, and you are going to tell me the state. Ryan already played this game with me this morning, and I would not have guessed the state if he had given me 40 tries Okay expectant parents fired a cannon to celebrate their baby shower

it exploded and killed a guest Guess the state It's not funny I will know It's someone died I think it I think it would be funny If the person who fired

It was the one who died It was not Nope No It was a third part It exploded fracturing its metal frame And sending shrapnel flying into a guest. And you said this

was a Big Ten state. I will give each... No, I was just thinking of the Big Ten because of war, but I will give each of you five guesses as to the state. Man. I have to clock out because I have seen this story. I know the state. Oh, okay. Spencer, five guesses. Indiana.

No. No. Minnesota. You can't just name states in the Big Ten. It's not necessarily in the Big Ten. Okay. Okay. Do you want to start over? Rhode Island. They can't fit a cannon in Rhode Island. Mary Wollstone Crest.

Yeah? No, it's not Rhode Island. I was just thinking really unlikely states. And I'm like, I just, I don't know. There's like one guy in Rhode Island owns a cannon and it's like two feet long and he's like, my yacht's here. If I still in Rhode Island, can we just move on? Because this is a lot of it was funny than I thought it was going to be. If something in Rhode Island blows up, it hurts everyone in Rhode Island.

I'm going to say this isn't a southern state because there's no southern state I could say where you'd be like, well, sure, they wouldn't have a cannon. Let's see. You're not going to get it, but then you are. Is it Maryland? No. Is it, I'm trying to think of deeply unfunny. Hawaii? No.

Okay, last one. Is it... Damn, this is difficult. You don't know any more states, do you? Is it Kansas? No. I'm sorry, the answer was Michigan. You want to talk?

thought you think you're a war dad how war dad my gender reveal resulted in casualties comparable to verdun for i think the third time in two months of this year may i say again everyone gets a gender reveal party but you have it on your 40th birthday yeah everyone signs waivers when you start listing people who have died are terrible things that have happened because of gender reveal parties this was a baby shower i don't even think this was a regular that that's what makes it weird i don't even think this was a gender reveal this was a regular ass baby shower what if you're just a casual which makes it even weirder that there's a cannon involved if you're a casual acquaintance of the people involved here and you just happen to get invited yeah that would suck

and you roll up in your mask during a pandemic and somebody is wheeling a cannon into the baby shower just do a uey just walk right back i'd just be like what did they register for oh fuck i didn't look that closely we just got a calm we just got a really calm down folks on the baby events they don't they don't need to be any of this we don't need any of this going on just like just just hand the mother some gifts and that's it man we don't need to do any of this shit i got to tell you y'all y'all have kids babies are not that interesting no there's so many of them and they're all very similar yeah i i think for me the rubicon was already crossed when gender reveal causes disastrous forest fire that was i was

was out on the wildfires everything after this everyone's on their own whatever happens now you're we'll get something worse we'll get like oh the water supply was ruined because of this gender reveal if that turns out what to if that turns out what to have been behind pretend that had grammar behind this hack behind this hack in florida to poison the water table yeah oh we were trying to turn it blue for little macaela nevea you know the best you know the best gift you can get expectant mother or set of parents really is the gift of apparel sweatshirt I was going to say the gift of a financial future but we can do yours too which one do you want to do both at once straight out I think I think both of these things are important I think you're going to need money you need one right right well they go hand in hand really don't they because you need money in your acorn's investment account to ensure you have the financial stability to invest in home field apparel but You need warm clothes on your body to survive the weather so that you can continue to invest.

They go hand in hand. It is a perfect. It's a symbiotic relationship. It's a real anemone clown fit. Yeah. And you know what is in the middle of this symbiotic relationship? It's the shutdown fullcast. Isn't that lucky for them?

I thought it was Tom Hardy as venom. Also, shut down fullcast, Tom Hardy, who plays all of our favorite superheroes in Roe. The shutdown forecast, Homefield and Acorns. It is a five-part symbiote. Nobody knew who I was until I opened the account. Nobody knew who I was

until I put on the WKU structure. Yeah, Homefield Apparel. God, Connor, I'm so sorry we do this to you every week. No, sorry means you, if you're sorry, then stop. Yeah, you're right. I'm not sorry.

homefield apparel we gotta stop fake apologizing home you're right i'm not sorry because it's not ever going to be different than this and i think connor knows that at this point you all know what you're here for homefield apparel dot com the world's greatest collection of collegiate sweat shirts uh limited number of sweatpants i think all the doggers are gone at this point um which again bring them back welcome bring them back connor bring back the doggers baseball teas t-shirts i think they are we allowed to say that they're field testing uh zip zip hoodies at this point i don't know what you're talking about ryan don't get us in any more trouble never mind um mind your business lady so many schools uh so many cool designs so many schools that we did not attend so little money

that's true until until we all end up going to florida state i was going to say until we all sign up for acorns.com. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, okay. You have two paths in life. And we can go to money. We have just buying college tuition. I think I'll, I think I'll stop by Boston College this week. This is a real gender reveal of an ad reach. I'm going to go to Ball State because it describes my method of living. I hate you. Use offer code fullcast. You get 20% off your first order. Uh, you use that extra money. You save that extra money and you say, what should I do with it? I could go to Florida State or Spencer what could you do with that money instead I could invest invest you yeah anyone I think everyone

should be investing even you a flightless week I think everyone should be investing quote me on that a dog with a plunger that you can invest in little ways every single data secure your financial future with acorns.com and the acorns app you can get on the family plan like me the dog with the plunger seasonally depressed bear spencer hall that's right it's funny because he wants to die but that would require effort aka dog with the plunger A.k.a. Big Saddam's. Grizzly Saddam's. Oh my God.

And with just with just a few dollars a week and the rounding up of purchases that you make every day with partners, the acorns wants you to work with in order to make just a little bit of extra. Just a couple, just a little bit here and a little bit there. And suddenly you're looking at, I don't know, Jason, what are you staring at after your monumental investment of $5 in your Acorns account? Brother, we're up to 400 something to be quite friends. Damn! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a little bit of game stonk fuel in there.

But this is kind of the whole opposite of the game stock thing. You might say, oh, that sounds like lame stonk. And like, no, listen here. It's actually really cool to have a retirement account. This sounds not stressful, like game stonk. Oh, yeah. You don't have to look at it for like weeks at it. time it's great yeah that's what you need because if you're going to have diamond hands you

know what you need to start with you need to start with a wooden fundament you need to start with a foundation that with roots right because the trees again as we described they turn into carbon carbon comes under pressure we all know that diamonds grow off of trees we all know this i mean eventually ryan if you think long-term enough like acorns dot com yeah but you know trying to retire in like 83 million years. Yeah, man. That oak tree, that oak tree is going to fall into a swamp and become biomass. See?

Become compressed. See? You got to think. Come anthracite. You got to think. Diamond's come out. Is diamond the last stage of coal? Is that it?

That's correct. Okay. That's correct. And that's the level you need to be thinking of, especially as an American who really has to think in terms of I can retire in 83 million years. You really need to start thinking that way. And acorns.com, we're here to help you and your family, by the way, with my little like $25 a week, like, oh, I can just go ahead and start like, you know, I'll throw, I'll throw $25 here, $25 there. Where's that going to get my kids?

Both of them are set to be barons at this point, projecting out to $18,000 by the time I'm done with this. A nice little chunk of change to take to college. And you say, oh, hey, man, what's a college kid going to do with just $18,000? Trouble! They're going to do stupid, real stupid. shit. Yeah. Help your kids do real stupid shit when they're 18 with acorns.com. I bought $8,000 worth of fireworks and then $10,000 worth of fireworks. I thought you were going to say $10,000 worth of medical bills. No, we're not even going to. I think that actually the second round of fireworks is cure what went wrong. That's right. Oh, oh, I blew a part of my hand. Well, I guess we're going to get rid of the whole thing. promo code full cast

so you can get your kids $18,000 worth of firework to do whatever they want when they turn 18. I'm going to play this at their high school graduations that you're not legally entitled to that money anymore. I think Ryan just wrote the lyrics to our theme song.

To the numerous middle school band directors listening to this show out there, hello, we love y'all, you have your marching orders that should be the Miami fight song $18,000 worth of fireworks and $23,000 of fire and $3 on a legal retainer $3 for a legal retainer because our lawyer isn't very good our lawyer's great he's on the show he has but if you were Miami the lawyer might

be if you put all your money into fireworks tunks might be Todd yeah it might be It might be Todd. I had two more suggestions, one for the NCAA franchise, that if you had limitations for the team you picked, then you had to pick a certain coach archetype as it stands. The last edition of the game, you kind of picked a guy who was like, you could go, well, he's conservative or kind of risky.

I want to take a little bit further than that. I want to be like, hey, you decided to be Mac Brown. Mac Brown can never go harder than like a 610 out of risky. Like, period. He's just never, ever going to press the envelope that much. you might press punt punt wouldn't be available on the screen if you're super risky

but for Mac it's just going to be like select play and you click and it's like three variations of punt you're like I'd like to go for it on fourth down click you have three variations of punt which punt would you like to select I really want that I want guys who can't stay longer than five years the Urban Meyer model

be like you're going to be real successful and then we'll auto select a school for you because you're going to move on right did I do two years as a TV analyst they don't understand The mini game where I just selected words to say on air was very, very boring. But I found the social media touting of conspiracy theories very entertaining. God, imagine the coaching, like, hiring process in this game where you're like,

oh, sorry, you didn't get this job because Urban Meyer said his friend should have it instead. If you're that guy and you're hiring coaches, it's like, this guy is your friend. You have to hire him. but I don't want to be sure he's on your staff. And it's not, there's not even any type of bonus there. It's not like 10 plus 10 to staff cohesion. No,

all your other systems are going to hate this guy. You just have to, you just have to bring him along. Your son's on your staff now. So is your other one. Your idiot son is your wide receivers coach or something. If you've just got Bowden syndrome and you're like, yeah,

just keep promoting him. You're like new offensive coordinator, son. This sounds like, this sounds like, this sounds like if dwarf fortress was a college football game right it's like oh god i have 17 sons and none of them will listen to me and they're a football staff i think they're oh god they're building a stadium now yes i am the dreaded laramie is now your tight ends coach there's nothing you can do about it right i'm so glad you mentioned dread laramie because i am in fact googling jeff bowden right are you are you a guy um did you select

potentially abrasive coach with a tumultuous personal life. Guess what? That third season you were going to turn the dynasty into a keeper. Divorce season! Yeah.

Divorce season. You only have so much energy to devote your play clock is shorter. You all of a sudden have weird bank notices. Yeah, divorce season. It's got to be real.

Is that like in one of the NCAAs, there was like crowd noise mode where the camera gets shaky? If you're a coach going through that, if you're a coach going through that, you face the shaky can during menu screen.

That's right. And you're like, oh shit, I just click delete a delete dynasty. My lawyer keeps calling me in the middle of games. Jesus Christ. Immersional emotional turmoil.

It's just really making field goals difficult. Then, yeah, a couple of other things too. Blowing money on facilities. Yeah, you should absolutely be able to blow money on stupid facilities,

right? Because we're going to build it. We're going to put a build feature into this where... Auburn's getting a flight simulator. Yeah, I can't make anything up in the game that wouldn't actually be there in real life. No, the actual plan for NCAA 15, they actually said at the time six years ago, or actually this was about like 70 years, whatever.

They said that they wanted a, quote, Minecraft-like stadium designer. So I'm pretty sure some wild build-of-year will likely make its way in. Yeah. You know what this finally means? Welcome to Arizona State Giant Dong Stadium. Yeah, no, we wouldn't do it the other thing. Frank Cush Field at Giant Dong Stadium. It's now Dink Cush Field in this game.

RIP to Dank Cush. Arizona State would find the only rich guy named Dank and make him a booster. They'd be like, you have to. Then you have the hyphen. Yeah, then you have the hyphen. Dank hyphen, Deng, hyphen, yes. Pretty sure Clemson already has one of these in the form of that Oculus thing they built, except that looks like a sex toy.

And I'm pretty sure at Clemson, they don't. don't believe in the female orgasm. Those are called... At Clemson, they call him marital AIDS. Dude, you know who's building the 500 foot tall of Big Red at WKU? Me. The five, like a stadium where one whole end zone is just his mouth and the head. It's all I'm doing.

You're playing on his tummy. Two huge luminous eyes. And they're like, birds kill themselves daily running into those things. A plane crashed into it last year and it didn't even scratch it. I would build an affront to go. God, so huge that it would destroy planes all for the WKU Minecraft-built Stadium Simulator. I would totally do that. And here's Papa John doing donuts around it.

Forever. Do you want a drunken booster who's just tearing ass in a muscle car in the end zone during the third quarter and throwing pizzas into the stand? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. They're just crude drawings of pizza on construction paper. It's very sad at this point. that and that and i think that if we're going to have all of this we also need things like

boosters and governors who want you out in season four it would be like hey yeah you need to win you need to win 11 games or this guy who made a shitload of money on hardy's franchises it's just going to have your access after the season Spencer what i'm hearing here is crusader kings college football we're like the pope is a horse a gay horse the pope is a gay horse the pope is a horse who wants rid of you as the head coach of Louisville young gay horse wants you out at LSU and you're like well buddy season four I really got to make young gay horse pope happy how am I gonna do that he co-owns the Saints here's my up for only for tax purposes it's a shell corporation I'd be like wow how is young

gay horse pope dot LLC quartered in Macau with a Cayman Island Shell? You're like, go Saints. That's the only explanation I have. It's a Louisiana thing. You wouldn't understand. The last thing that I, the last mode I wanted to propose is my favorite, which

is this booster mode. Because you say like, oh man, as a coach, I want to pay players. No. No. We're going to get this whole thing where I never even touch gameplay. Where I just go in and as a booster I pick my initial sort of commitment to the game and then I meddle.

Oh, I'm going to meddle. I'm going to meddle so hard. I'm going to pay recruits. I'm going to whine them. I'm going to stab everybody in the back. I'm going to pull all kinds of political intrigue. See, I thought it was going to be more like splinter cell where you'd be like Sam Fisher tried to catch to the recruits.

We can build that in. Maybe that's how you work your way up, right? Like, that's how you level up in the game. You should grind. It's like, like, I'm in the air vent of a waffle house. I must drop this $500 into the hash brown. of Leon McCombs, a 400-pound defensive tackle recruit

who is a five-star who will only entertain this if I can aim the cash directly into his scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, and diced, hash-browns. Oh, no, the hash-browns were kept. You fucked up.

Restart mission. Restore mission. He's going to Auburn now. Damn it. Auburn man is in the vent with you. He too has $500. dollars do you strangle him yeah um that uh i want political intrigue once you level up and become big booster this is basically like the road to glory this is career mode but instead of

instead of athletic excellence basically we're saying hey you got a successful hvac business in buloxy mississippi you just want to help out the rebs well how about we make you head of the program how about we turn you into a mega booster are you ready are you man enough to do this? Are you a bad enough dude to outbid Mississippi State? Yeah, that's what we want. We want this to get to like,

I work for three months on Dynasty Mode to get to the point where we lose by two in the Egg Bowl, two of five and seven Mississippi State team and lose our bid at the SEC Championship. That's what I want this game to build up to. I'm so happy right now. All right, man, now you've got to spend

three hours planting misinformation on Hogville. Get to it. do you have mouthpieces use mouthpiece yeah yeah yeah i love this um holly hello for our next episode game say it in vain voice say it in bane voice i don't have a bain voice you have it we all have a bain voice would you like to play a game there it is good all right all right We're going to make this as fair as possible. I have a game that is going to encompass a bit of next week's episode.

And in order to decide who picks first, I would like each of you to pick a number between 1 and 100, which I will do. Actually, pick a number between 1 and 130. Okay. And we will go by random number generator on the Internet to see who picks first. All right. Spencer?

37 Jason one Ryan six the number was 115 so Spencer brain genius

very very surprising surprising outcome all right how we're going to do this is this we are going to draft sports and you are each going to pick

three sports and at the end of the draft i will tell you what the game is okay spencer you may go first please draft a sport it can't be football it can't be any derivation of football so no rugby no aussie rules etc okay okay okay uh i'm gonna select golf oh goodness okay Spencer selects golf Jason a sport a professional wrestling pro wrestling Ryan a sport ice hockey Ryan serpentine second sport field hockey do it ice hockey's natural cousin tennis All right, Jason.

I'll do field. Field hockey before Ryan can. Diabolical. Spencer, a second sport. Can I select MMA? Yes. Might be tricky, right? Yes, actually, you know what?

Yes, you can. Wait, wait, wait. What would be tricky? You'll find out. But Spencer knows? No, no. No, he does not. No, no, no.

I just heard the hesitation in her voice and thought, mm, okay. Okay. Serpentining back again, Spencer. A third sport. Basketball. You're mostly picking sports you hate. Okay.

I love basketball. You hate playing. Hang on. Hang on. Jason, a third sport. That's all the sports. Yep, that's it. Soccer.

That's an important sport. Socer, very good. Ryan. Darts. Darts. In the spirit of inserting. Fuck, I am tennis. I talk.

and darts. I'm NBC. Darts. Notre Dame Darts. Spencer's choices to review are golf, MMA, and basketball. Jason's are wrestling, like wrestling, wrestling, not like the Big Ten.

Field hockey and soccer. And Ryan's are ice hockey, tennis, and darts. In the spirit of inserting things that we love into a game that we love, your assignment for next week is to incorporate on-side

kicks into all of these somehow no fuck okay MMA's already there now these can be onside kicks in the form of a football on side kick or they can be what you believe to be that game's version of the onside kick the the like spiritual equivalent yes okay yes so anything that fits any version of a definition yeah yes okay yeah okay I can do this return to us next week. Do not fail me. Can I say that before we ever play this game? Yes.

It's been completely worth the thought experiment because I believe Jason said Notre Dame darts and the phrase Bama darts, but in my head and oh my God, the thought of an Alabama darts team is the rowdiest shit I have ever thought of in my life. Routier than LSU having a bass fishing team. LSU Darts. This was going to your head, Boudreau. Arkansas Darts. buddy.

Dark, Arkansas. Iowa darts. They're called Hawkeyes, not bullseyes and Ellis. We'll get them next time. God,

they really were the worst Avenger.