Shutdown Fullcast - Eastern Orthodox Auburn

Episode Date: November 10, 2022

NOTES Spencer immediately makes it weird Ryan then makes it worse Jason then fires Dabo, and all of this happens in the first ten minutes Ryan has another one of his delightful, frightful games [Saw puppet noises] At home with Philip Rivers The gang invents some new jeans Jason and Holly are beset by Jeff Sunday Schoolers Is Nick Saban the man for this job? Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. Joining us today, Ryan Nanny. Hi, Ryan. How are you? I have been thinking a lot about doppelgangers lately. Because I think the trope is that if you have one, one of you is the evil doppelganger.

And that's at least narratively interesting that like there might be a version. If you are a good person, there might be. there might be a version out there you might have a wario you might have a mischief causing uh chaos agent or a mario sure i like i like how you just casually drop you might have a wario you might have a wario i guess that's not exactly a doppelganger because like you can clearly tell who's who nobody's there's never like a mistaken identity issue i have cartoon dunk blindness so that actually is an issue for me um you should not see a doctor about that you should keep that Oh, no, no desire to change it whatsoever.

But I think the worst fate would be discovering that you have a boring doppelganger, that there's somebody out there who looks exactly like you and could have lived a whole different life, but it's just like, yeah, I'm just dull as shit. I don't do anything interesting. If your doppelganger is inherently opposite of you, which I realize is not necessarily part of the equation. Sure. But if so, that would make you the exciting doppelganger.

I I is the is the ultimate um worst case that they are exactly the same as you and then no yes yes no alternate paths were explored you know experiments were conducted that's what it really is is if you meet if you meet your doppelganger and you're like oh you're just like me but with a milk allergy it's like like a wizard comes to you and says you can uh you can live your life over making all the correct choices and you go back and you do everything exactly the same. Dr. Strange goes through every positive. Yep, you're still just dumb and look stupid in those pants. Sorry, but you're still you.

It could also be a moment for unwelcome self-awareness. Like, wait, this is what I'm like. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that loser. Look at that idiot. Why is he that way? Why is he that way? Why does it understand that other people don't like that? What doesn't they simply make better choices? Or the ultimate in narcissism, you meet your doppelganger and you immediately make love to them for like three days. This is your approach, I suspect. And then you, I mean, you have to try it once.

You don't. You have to. What do you mean by have to? You have to, man. This is like talking to Reddit. Is that incest or masturbation? That's the worst thing you've ever said to me. I think the worst thing you've ever said was like 30 seconds ago.

Yeah, no, no, you'd have to try it. You don't have to. No, you'd have to try it. Hard disagree, buddy. What if you go for it and other you is like gross? No, absolutely not. Let's first unpack the definitions of you'd and have to and try it. I know what it looks like under all that.

No, I don't want to. That's fine. That's, I believe in, you know, I believe in consent. There is no, like, the exciting mystery to, wrap here. I know your moves. They're not good. Well, now we're both disappointed.

That's our show, everybody. What treasures await? Because when you said that you may have a wario out there, I'm like, is there is there me, but with a gigantic ass? Just a huge cartoonishly massive ass. What if it's, what if it's, flat ass though what if he's the wario then you have a walaigi yeah you have walaigi oh well exactly so then do you still have to have sex with you if there's no ass again i'm curious about the

operating definitions of you and have to you know you've got out here this is this is the see hot stove touch hot stove taken to a disturbing extreme yeah disturbing disturbing extreme Caliente. Listen, some of us, some of us for the benefit of the human race have to try the new food. You know, when you're on the plane, how does you fucking you benefit the human race? What is the benefit to mankind? Also, how is some white guy a new food? I count.

People have tried white guys before. Don't deny my personhood or my, my wario's personhood. There's already Sasquatch porn on Amazon. I just checked. I will be the first person to ever have sex with some white guy. I don't think you're going to like how it goes. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah.

So, congratulations. You know, usually I start the show with a distraction and I feel good about it. And today I don't. Today I regret bringing it up. What, you, listen, it's like a defense. You gave me that. I took the open yardage and no one's happy now. Just like a Georgia victory.

No one's happy. just like Georgia in this Oh just they're the new Alabama Nobody's happy to watch them Except for Georgia fans Except two doppel kangers Just hardcore fucking

Two curvy smarts Cutting each other's hair Which explains things You look like a hard worker I like hard workers I like your visor I like your visor I like your truck

I like your truck Do you like golf I love golf I want to shave your tummy You seem like Kirby genius to me This is working That noise is That noise is Holly Anderson

Shut up Jason Kirk is the voice of reason over there And producing the show How did I become the voice of reason By I told you enough Default? Yeah, it's a low bar man Wow

Sorry I will Same reason you became our religious leader. This is a lot of responsibility, but kind of none at all. Also like being our religious leader. The pastor of this godless church. Whatever, man.

Yeah, so today, Ryan also has another distraction, which is, you have a game for us. Yeah, I love games. When you say these things, I'm always like, it is very saw-esque in that I have some dread. It is not saw-esque in that I

think you have a good design. I'm always waiting for the realistic person of Saul where he's like, where he's like, I have a game for me to play. They're like, yeah. And he's like, put these handcuffs on. Like, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to leave. I have a game for you to play in a shit.

What? And it's parcheasy. I was going to say parcheasy. That's terrifying. It's the game of Indian royalty. Is it? It is. Yeah, it's a real game of India.

That's what Parchezy is. Wow. It's right there on the box. You said that like. I don't know. You said that, like, a kid who's watched too many commercials? Mm-hmm. Like, you see the gum in the store, and you point, and you're like, Mom, with Retson.

Yeah. Dyson, it's a different kind of vacuum cleaner. It really is, though. Those are the Doritos with LeBron James picture on them. I knew those Doritos were going to be a big thing in 1964 when I saw him for the first time. I love my Dyson more than I love several members of my extended family. It's just different. It's fair.

Uh, the game I want to play is, uh, a, so you probably know if you've listened to the show before that I love a blind game where I give my co-hosts resumes or numbers of a team or in this case a coach candidate, but I don't give them any identifying details beyond sort of, you know, the ones that I've chosen to. Um, and in this case, I would like to play a cooperative game. This is the three of you are going to be working together to. Okay, so Jason and I are, are going to be working together. This is important for all of you, actually. You're going to be identifying Auburn's next head coach. That is important. I know on the last show that I wasn't here for, we already gave that job to Davo,

but that was before Davo lost Notre Dame. Yeah, he's not the man for the job. So, anyway, here's how this is going to work. I have... It's time to move on. Sorry, go ahead. I have three categories of coaches, and in each category, there are three candidates. The way this is going to work is we're going to start because of where you all are on my Zoom screen.

Holly's going to get to pick first. She gets to pick a category, and then I'm going to give her three candidates blind. She has to pick one. We're going to go to Jason. He's going to pick from the remaining two categories. Pick one of those coaches. Spencer's going to go last. He will take the last category, pick one of the three blind coaches. And then we will take those three candidates who come from different angles, let's say. This will make more sense when I tell you the categories. And the three of you will decide which of those three blind candidates you want. As we go... Is this like the claw of a wolf tail of a fox thing? Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. And you say they're all blind. They're all they're all blind, correct? Visually impaired. I think access is important. Mm-hmm. Yep. So Holly, the categories are very simple. You can pick from

college football veterans these are coaches who have coached at least 200 games you can go with what i'm calling young head coaches with experience these are all coaches who are 50 or younger but have coached at least 100 games or you can go with NFL oh jesus um let's uh since we proved on the channel six uh space a couple weeks ago that i can name I think 10 NFL coaches? I thought you did really well. I'm not going to lie. I thought I did too because I thought I'd top out at eight.

Let's go with NFL. Okay. Here are your choices. Okay. Option one. Has a Super Bowl ring as a head coach, is top five in wins for two different NFL franchises, and spent his college career quarterbacking a school in Louisiana.

That's your first choice. Choice two. Has multiple Super Bowl rings as a player. was at one time the highest paid coordinator in the NFL, and in his last six seasons as a head coach won three division titles. And your third choice, has a Super Bowl ring as a coordinator, at one point led his team to the playoffs five straight times, and has the most wins in franchise history for the team he worked for.

Ryan, you've done an excellent job because these all feel like traps. are you leaning anyways leading b multiple super bowl rings as a player one time the highest paid coordinator three division titles yes because the others all sound like they have too many obvious good qualities and i've played this game with you before okay um i'm not going to tell you who b is i will tell you who a and c were

since you have not selected them you have not picked as head coach uh to advance to the final round of interviews for the Auburn Tiger shop. Oh shit. I forgot to figure out which one was Pete Carroll. Shit. You have not picked Doug Peterson who has a Super Bowl ring as a head coach and as of I think this last week is now top five and wins for both the Jags and the Eagles. Congratulations to whoever that is. Whoa for the Jags? Yes. Jesus. Yes. You won seven games. It's it's frighteningly low. See I told you I played this game with Ryan before. And option C that you did not pick is Marvin Lewis.

Won a Super Bowl ring as a coordinator with the Ravens took the Bengals to the playoffs five straight times and has the most wins in Cincinnati history How many how many playoffs wins did he have right? How many playoff wins did he have? I know as many as Auburn Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Okay, so I am marking who you have who you have selected to advance the final round. Jason, you can choose either college football veterans or young that has a bit of an asterisk 50 depending on you know like Spencer young at a heart yeah yeah young with some experience but not a boatload necessarily yeah so this is for Auburn yeah where I have I have fears and concerns about what the overall culture could do to the cardiac system of an older person so for the common public health. I'm going to go with the younger options.

Okay. Your first choice has a career winning percentage of 702, has a 3 and 3-3 bowl record, and has two seasons where his team finished with a perfect record in conference. Your second choice went to and won bowl games in three of the last four seasons, has won coach of the year in two different conferences, and has NFL experience as a player and an assistant.

Choice three. Had three top ten finishes in his first five years as a head coach, has nine years of NFL experience, and is four-time coach of the year in his current conference. I think I know who C is. I'm going to see. Okay. We're going to mark him off. coaches you did not pick be first to be first um p j fleck went has been to bowl games in three

of the last four years was coached the year in two different conferences and has NFL experience as a player and assistant thanks Greg shiano and coach a that you didn't pick which i kind of wish you had because it would have been fun with a 702 winning percentage and two seasons with a perfect record in conference you have eliminated brian harson from consideration You know, Auburn really needs to look at somebody who's got Auburn experience. That's right. That's right. Who knows the system, even if it's not a good way. Okay, Spencer, you get grizzled veterans. These are coaches. That's appropriate that we've left this for him.

These are college coaches who have at least coached 200 games. All right, option one has won his last four bowl games. has two conference championship game appearances, and was an All-American as a player. Option two has won a national championship, was coach of the year in two different conferences, and has amassed 12 seasons with double-digit wins. And option three has finished above 500 for 16 straight seasons, has two top 10 finishes in the AP poll, and beat a Power 5 team in five of his last six bowl. games okay um i'm gonna i think i know who all three are so i'm gonna go ahead i'm gonna go ahead and

select you're gonna select b because i think it's the funniest answer all right um i have mastered you game you tell me who you think a and c are and i can repeat information if that's helpful okay is is a pat fitzgerald a is pat fitzgerald that is correct okay okay Were you Googling this whole time? No, I was on camera with these hands are idle. Researching doesn't seem like Spencer's whole thing. It doesn't, you're right. How terrible here, baby.

And then is C. Kirk Farrants? No. No, okay, okay. No. C is Mike Gundy. Okay, so I'm still happy with what I think B is. Okay, so the three of you have now, you are the search committee for Auburn University. you have narrowed the search down to three.

I've got to tell you, very different candidates, and I'm going to review them, and then I want you three to come to a decision as to who you want to hire. First, your veteran option, I'll repeat, has won a national championship, was coach of the year in two different conferences, and has 12 seasons with double-digit wins.

Your second choice is the younger head coach with some experience, I should say. Three top ten finishes in his first five years, as a head coach, nine years of NFL experience, and four-time coach of the year in his current conference. And your last choice, your NFL option. Multiple Super Bowl rings as a player was at one time the highest paid coordinator in the NFL and won three division titles in his last six seasons as a head coach. You can, if you think you know who the, I won't say anything, but if you I'm deliberately not trying to think of who they are because I honor the spirit of the game.

thank you I feel like B feels the least trappy what do you all think I think when we think about Auburn

we went ideally if we are if if Auburn succeeding is the thing that produces you know just just general happiness

and not like chaotic fluctuations you know then that would be one goal that the committee could have I think our committee

however might want to keep in mind that like a poor fit with Auburn could be really fun you know um like if we were to pick someone with like absolutely no southern experience who's like i don't know if he's ever been to a public school um who is used to you know like a school where like woo-woo shit like science matters and like um i would really really really lean toward option maybe someone who's like going to be confused by having to like kick off at like 11 a.m. local because he's never been to the central time zone except for that one time they went poorly. They lost to Northwestern. I I love that because it emulates my favorite NFL career track which is like

went to Andover, right, went to Phillips, played at Fordham or someplace like that, played at Colby. I don't even know if Kobe has the football team, right? Did two seasons as quality control for like Western Illinois or Central Connecticut. And then the next line is like offensive coordinator Cincinnati Bengals. Yep. Like you see so many resumes like that. What the fuck?

How'd you get there? Tried and go through a veteran presence. He went through a wormhole or something. Yeah. Which, you know, Auburn after after, well, like a decade or so of, you know, coaches who want to score points. They don't always, but, like, that's the goal. I think we should calm things down a little bit.

Jason, when you said after a decade or so of coaches who, and my brain finished the sentence, Coaches Who want to be at Auburn, and then I wondered if we should have a national conscription program for coaches instead of faffing around with all these contracts and shit. Let's draft them. Yeah, we should draft. coaches like just period every year we should redraft coaches

like this UMass gets Kirby now don't give them a chance to get into the walls thank you for every what every one two or three years what do you think just shuffle them all I like I like every three years because I like three because then every most players will get at least to to play under at least two head coaches during their time okay like if you if you want to for that maybe this is a sop to uh everybody who thinks the transfer portal

is a nightmare uh because this is maybe this is incentive for the the players to stick around and try their luck with a coaching staff that may be world beaters three is also good because three is also good because that's enough time for like it starts it's it starts to work somewhere and you're like no no no no oh shit god damn it see i like the devil's bargain of two coaches who are both going to be fired in year two switching places like you think you can do you think i can do you want to okay let's go on that on that note real quick can we play it's relevant can we play voicemail 404 i promise this is relevant j p caller question if uh if brian

kelly stays at notre dame to notre dame or lSU win this past weekend makes you think don't it um Notre Dame does because I'm assuming Marcus Freeman would still be the defensive coordinator yeah yeah LSU doesn't so all they need is three points I'm saying if Ed Ogeron is still the coach at LSU or does he do not average replacement level LSU coach let's say average replacement level LSU coach yeah um I don't know maybe I truly don't know like

who was the next option if they didn't get Brian Kelly because Lincoln Riley was the name and Lincoln Riley very cleverly was like, I'm definitely not taking the LSU job. And they pointedly did not want Billy Napier. Right. Probably Jimbo, right? Yeah, I've got to be.

So they weren't going to win that game. Right. That does answer that question. Thank you, JT. I hope this was helpful. They would nearly win that game. The other candidate, by the way, who was big time mentioned for that was, and again, I don't can't say what this is viable. I'm just

I can't because his name was there, was Dave Aranda, and I really love the... But we know he likes Baylor. Right, but like if he had taken that job, if I just plug him in in the simulator, I think they win that game, which is doubly confusing for Nick, because Dave Aranda probably crosses, and he's like, I'm sorry, Nick. That was just, I could have done a lot better. And he's like, why are you talking to me, dude? We don't have emotions.

You're so weird, Dave. Stop being weird. Have you all settled on who you want to hire? I know. Jason and I are leaning B. Spencer, I will go B, B as well. Okay.

Do you first want a hazard guess as to who your other candidates were, your veteran and your NFL option? I don't because I don't like looking at the past. Okay. You guys can. The NFL candidate, go ahead, sir. Okay, so I think my veteran pick, I was hoping that that was Mac Brown.

That was Mac Brown, correct. Yes! Hi, everybody. Oh, shit! the puffy coat comes around the corner before he does you got only that chance to run I see so much padding you've rejected mac browning and more importantly you've rejected him the opportunity for him to reinvent his accent yet another time um holly the NFL candidate that you pushed forward to the final round was jason

you know what fine he kind of looks like brian harsen um and jason you can take home to mom Jason, you know who this is. Who have you selected to be the next head coach of Auburn University? A man walking into a weird place for the first time is David Shaw. That's correct. I'm fine with this. A man who's going to walk in and establish sound, coherent logic, and reason, make everything work according to engineer brain, facts, standards.

And so will he. what is what is like a booster revolt at stanford like is it like the vineyard had a terrible cry i think i think it works exactly like it's a fucking war in yemen sure it works exactly like twitter for the past five days yeah right half of the university is now fired we were fired five percent of the university every three months until until protocols are established or you know nerd words like this David Shaw didn't invest in my medical robot NFT and now I'm furious oh no my medical robot

NFT thing turned out to be a scam I've seen this oh I'm wearing a black turtle neck how did they go wrong? I'm closing eight hospitals because I'm mad now yeah did you see there were two additional Brett Farrf backed fraudulent media or yeah no I mean today I got to tell you it is it is pretty sweet for these other fraud Because what seems to be happening is, like, fraudulent companies will happen to have Brett Farrv involved in various levels.

And now they get to be like, pooh, this Brett Fav, he's a bad customer. Boy. Thank goodness for nothing. Are these other scams also volleyball-related? These, this one of these was concussion technology of some sort, I believe. Volleyball concussions. Yep. But, yeah, they just get to be like, oh, boy, here at concussion fraud, we run a tight ship.

But that, the siren song of Brett Farr just led us astray, and there's nothing we could do about it. Do you guys remember the, it's... He jingles his sexy copper wristbands at us, and we just do whatever he says. Once you're caught up in a Brett Farr volleyball scam, you're just along for the ride. That's right. Spiritually, it's a predecessor to, we're all trying to find the guy who did this, but do you guys remember the Muppet show, Nobody Here But Us Chickens Bit? Sure.

Yeah. It's kind of like that. Yeah. Just Brett Farve in a giant chicken costume going, caca. Caca. All of this, all of this is because

Brett Farr feels some sort of deep guilt as a father. He's like, well, I guess I better build her a volleyball. Yeah, that's how I'm going to do. I'll build her a volleyball facility. Which he could have done with his own money. Men will invest in fraudulent medical technology instead of going to family therapy. I don't think he could have done this with his own. Because here's the thing,

to remember most of brett farb's career took place when NFL players including quarterbacks like made money but not like money money you know what I mean like I bet his yeah but there's things called investment accountants are you telling me you think Brett Farv wasn't duped or or misled by several investment accountants over the course of no I'm just saying what is Brett Farv investing in no no I'm saying that he could have put his money with smart people and he chose to do this instead What smart people does Brett Favre know? Look, just purely, purely, purely based on his advertising habits,

Brett Fav doesn't have money. Yeah. All right. Allegedly, allegedly, all I hear his hater talk. Allegedly, he's worth $100 million. Now, I will tell you. That feels like he's a lot more. Wait, I will tell you.

I'm going to go with earned $100 million. I will tell you, if you asked a scammer what they were worth, the first answer out of their mouth is supposed to be $100,000. That's a blank, that's a blank check-ass answer. Yeah. It's a volleyball court. How much could cost?

Like $100,000. I read this last night, and I'm sorry, I forget the provenance of it right now, but I was reading about, you know, the collapse of everything around us because there's nothing else to read about right now. And somebody said, we're going to look back on the last 10 years as a time when, for the first time in history, you know, social media allowed marginalized groups to speak directly to the elites. And as a result, elites everywhere lost their fucking minds. That's as good an explanation as I've read. Here is, I think, what you need to know about Brett Farv. If you go to

his profile profile reference page and look at his and look at his career comparison, they'll show you like, who had a similar career to Brett Farf? We'll put Fran Targinton to the side. The next two quarterbacks are Drew Breeze and John Elway. Drew Brie's famously like pill scammy pyramid scheme broke motherfucker. And John Elway, whose most famous thing was the Broncos were like, would you like 10% of the team? And he's like, no, I would like to own laundromats instead. So no, there's no way Brent Farm is on. Dude, he could have John Elway, keep in mind, by the way, Elway's net worth was cleaved in half by a fairly expensive divorce, and he still would have been miles ahead of where he was if he'd just taken 10% of the goddamn Broncos. Yes, but he wanted to use that money to

buy laundromats. He wanted a dealership. Yeah, he wanted a dealership, too. That was like John L. Elway Chevy or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I just like, no, I don't think Brett Farve could have solved his problems with money. I think he was trying to get money to solve his problems. How much money are you worth? A hundred million? A hundred million? 100 million so you don't think because i think he did it because the scam had got too good like he hit that scam button and was like ah oh that scam button feels good let's also let's also let's also let's also look i'm not trying to shit on the south and mississippi but like it's not you're not playing at heisman level if you're trying to scam government money in mississippi do you know what i

mean like oh not what the fucking governors will yes exactly like like this was this was not like wow what an ocean's level level level fucking scheme he pulled off here he basically was like governor can I have some bullshit money for volleyball the governor was like please stop texting me not know about it you're not played on Heisman level when you throw five TDs against the Raiders but he did it go scam Las Vegas or something else I want to note this list of similar quarterbacks I think we might have stumbled on something because Tarkinton's also pretty tricky and players shouldn't kneel and so on and so forth so I'm detecting a mindset among the gun slingers. Because think about it. The guys are like, I fuck rules. I'll do whatever I want on the football field. Fourth on this list, Philip Rivers,

who doesn't have any money because he has too many fucking kids. Okay. Okay. Do you know what Philip Rivers Costco bill looks like? It's like a fucking scroll. Riverful.

Rivers full. Is this anything? If he's in front of you for the cart check coming out of Costco, you're just like, oh, my God. Shit. he's got to get a flat bed

that dude I mean Jesus I bet I mean the bed's flat the bed's flat at this point brother things been hammered in half by now

from downtown no irregularities used to be found if that matters things been tenderized he used to take when they moved he used to drive in a

he used to drive in a van oh god he took all of NC states he took all of NC states scoring with him for life and still some say still still scoring to this day

they say his spirit still roams these impregnating wary hikers no unwary hikers also the wary it doesn't matter yeah I'll tell you what That man had a Nick Cannon arm. He's got a couple of...

He's got several cannon appendages based on production. Man. That's a man who had a set... Who like got... Who started a seventh pregnancy and that was like, you know it would be better than this? Nate.

The cults. You know whose face I really like seeing on as many people as possible? Mine. I was just thinking... Okay. I was just thinking about that because you know that...

Who's the, what's the saying of if you want to know God thinks of money? Look who he gives it to. I'm really concerned about whose image we're being created in right here. Because think about Philip Rivers's face. And then God's like, you know who I'm going to make super fucking fertile? This guy. Yep. Yep.

If I found out that Philip Rivers had like 70 kids like like screaming Jay Hawkins or, you know, some great progenitor of an ancient tribe, I would totally believe it. Like in 20 years, they're like, yeah, it turns out that like he has 400 kids. I'd be like, yeah, because we stopped counting once he left the NFL, but he didn't stop having them. Yeah. He didn't stop being a compiler. I will say, I think, I think, I think if, Riverful, sorry. I think if, I think of, I think of Philip Rivers was embroiled in some massive fraud scheme, we would all be like, you know what?

That many kids are stressful. I go. Yeah, no. You know how much fucking volleyball the guy has to pay for? Come on. This dude. This is the same dude. You know how many fucking, okay, listen, it's a long off season.

Yeah. The fucking. in recitals alone. Do you know how many times that guy, and you know, let's really, I don't know if he's an involved dad or not, but like, in theory, do you know how many times you have to listen to a fourth

grader learning to play the trombone? Do you know how many? I think there's a solution here, and I'm just guessing, just guessing, Philip Rivers has already found at church choir, all of them at once. Oh, God. Do you know how many other fifth birthday parties Philip Rivers has

had to take his children to? Oh, no. Do you know how fast someone in that family can throw the crate paper on top of a toy in the gift bag, right? Just have them by the door. Do you like, they probably just have random. They probably just have random. Or his wife just chucks him into the garage in a crate to take out for the next party. I think they're in the car.

I think they're just like squirled away in the car door. Take the gift man. Chargers, Chargers historians who may be listening to us, please. tell us the most number of Rivers children who were in elementary school at any one time in that in that age bracket where you have to bring a Valentine for every kid in your class you're all getting Garfield Garfield is what they had a shitload of boxes of. I don't think he did this himself but just so much like Philip Rivers taping individual lollipops yes to these

cards going on eBay typing in Valentine's card lot I'm telling you for savings they just went over to they just went across the road they went to Tijuana they bought a bunch of like Spanish minion stuff right and then they brought it back so they're like Los Mignon's I got a Los Mignon no have we talked about this before

minions are outsizedly popular in Mexico rules that kind of like to a degree that's to a degree that surpasses even like the minions in suits craze here they have been like that the entire time yeah um yeah

okay good This all also explains why, after 15 years with the Chargers, living in San Diego and L.A. for a little bit, when the Colts called 39-year-old Philip Rivers and his 17 children, he was like, absolutely, I'll come take a year off of Indiana. Absolutely, I would love that. The parking spaces are bigger there for a while. There's nothing to do in Indianapolis. Don't care. I just want to sleep and watch what I want on TV.

There being nothing else to do in Indianapolis might be its own problem. Sure. You know how big of a yard? I can send these kids out into Also, I need the paychecks bad So much volleyball What if like What happens if like four of them at once want to learn the cello?

Well, you got a quartet right there Church choir is the answer What Chrysler Pacifica model Comes with four cellos worth of cargo space? Oh, they have one of those disturbingly large vans That instantly signifies that you are most likely part of a very, very opinionated religious sect of some sort. Yeah, that's what they have. It's not a sect. Yeah, we're here. It's the sect. Hello, I'm Philip Rivers, and this is my

Korean church fair. Yeah. We don't say the word sect because the plural of it makes the teenagers stumbles. And also, it's caused a lot of problems for the Rivers family. Also, sects are the reason we have this issue to begin with. Yep. Yep. It's not a sect, It's a sects van. But as far as I know, Philip River, you know what? Say this for him. Philip Rivers doesn't have the time

getting all this scammy business. Brett Farve should have had 10 more kids. Maybe he would have stayed on the straight and arrow. No, he ran a scam on himself. It's called having dead kids. Felt for the oldest trick in the book, buddy. He did. He's like, who's taking all my money?

I'm so thoughtful. The most shocking thing, honestly. The most shocking thing about it is that somehow, and it must be, that, well, I'm not going to say what it must be. This is not turned into a reality television show because I was just going to be mean and I didn't need to be that level of mean. But like to be a famous athlete with a shitload of children and not even have like a

C-list reality show where you're like, why is this on TV Guide Network is, is really hard to do, I suspect. Yeah. Yeah. That's either, it's either really good or. Yes. Yes. Hopefully really good.

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partner of the NFL, C-Store for details. If you just consider that when we were looking at post-career Brett Farr, the thing that he's done publicly that's had the most, like the least controversy and the most integrity has been shilling for a copper back brace. Or jeans. I think the jeans are probably the most defensible. Because even the copper back brace is a little bit like, I don't know, maybe people should go to the doctor.

Yeah. Yeah. I think this man's whole public image was redeemed by jeans and destroyed by volleyball. Man. And you know what? That's all we're so close to a Luke Brian's song. We're so close. Volleyball is the least gene sport in the world, despite what Top Gun would tell you.

It's so difficult to play volleyball in jeans. Okay. A lot of people are going to watch, but. Yeah. Tycoando is very difficult in jeans. Chuck Norris' whole career suggests otherwise. Yes, but those are action. jeans.

Yeah, but so wasn't the whole point of Brett Fards teams was that they had the flexible gunned or was that Drew Brees? Not gun, grundle. I don't know what men parts, what all y'all call your parts. It's just leg. What's the tweeter part?

It's leg until stomach starts. What's the tweener part on dude pants? The tweener part. Whatever edit all this out? No. I like that you said tweener like we can't decide if it's a defensive end or a line. Yeah. Kind of?

Is it built for speed or power? No one can decide. Well, the word I wanted to say was gusset, and I know that. That's a real word. That's not a funny word. I don't know what it means, but it sounds fine. If someone walked up to me and said, I've been kicked in the fucking gusset, I would know where they'd be kicked. Oh, that does fucking hurt.

He hit me right in my Brian Cushing. That's a ballerina fight. This is what people really don't appreciate about the whole the 90s are back thing. It's like, no. You get to wear jeans with, like, that are soft and that have some flex to them like 90s jeans that shit was rough that shit was not comfortable

not not a thing but now holly is introduced us to the concept of all flex genes they flex in every dimension on all part of the gene those are just leggings if they're comfortable they're not jeans anymore that's true if they don't feel like fucking pain they're not jeans yeah

I think we've just introduced the neck I think we've just had another kick ass business idea because now that it is acceptable for dude to wear stretchy jeans we've got to introduce like plywood jeans that go in the other direction yeah yeah yeah to remasterize america alpha genes yeah that's right and if we if we boil this listen if we make that word up is a crazy thing if we boil this particular frog slow enough we could invent the dude corset jason i'm suspecting that word was tweeted at you in the last 24 hours probably yeah oh wait what did i miss who'd you get

into. One of mine. Oh, so one thing that's happened recently is I tweeted Jeff Saturday, new head coach of our Indianapolis Colts, who his entire coaching career is coaching a mediocre high school in Georgia. Yeah, I got caught up in that yesterday, too. He's immediately hired, to his own shock and surprise, because Jim Mersey is on incredible cocaine and brain pills.

Despite having a former player on staff, Reggie Wayne is on your staff. They have two former head coaches. on staff. You have three perfectly good options on your coaching staff, at least one of whom would be a person of color. You instead go for some white guy because Peyton Manning used to touch his butt a lot, which is fine. That's not the problem.

In fact, that is the argument in his favor. That's a degree further than Reggie Wayne, who only caught balls that came from Payton's hands. That's true. Sure. Right. I treated just, I didn't even, like, post an opinion. on it because I just thought it was just straight up funny like this dude is you know

from like Hebron Academy in Dublin Georgia or something which I didn't even know he done that much coaching until you said that yeah and then I started seeing like all these non-Avy like Brian 8475-655 like like the type of people who I have long ago muted and just like stopped encountering on Twitter just started like flooding in telling me like reverse racist and shit I didn't say anything I didn't say I didn't say a word and like it was funny it was this kind of thing we're just like doing internet sleuthing like hang on hang on I'm getting whiffs of Yahoo here I'm getting whiffs of Yahoo time it reminded me of working at espation yeah when our shit would get linked on Yahoo and it would be like oh hell yeah traffic bump

but also they're going to try to get us fired and murdered and shit your dumbest cousin is coming to town and he's got some things he said aggregation day they're not they're not going to like they've been online at any point in the last 20 years like they're not gonna use the latest up-to-date Tucker Carlson buzzwords they're gonna sound like your grandfather did 30 years ago right like they're gonna be saying like out-of-date racism not up-to-the-minute racism you're gonna get called a spandard at some yeah that's how you detect the Yahoo commenter so there's a lot of there's a lot of like you probably had the same problem when Obama was elected with no

experience and it's like I don't even know like fucking forever ago yeah it's I respond to these people with who the fuck is Obama, which will at least stop them for a minute. I do like the idea, though, because I said Jeff Saturday has never coached in the college or the NFL, I'm getting emailed, like, you have your rings, and that's basically pronouns in bio. I was asleep when Gojo tagged me into a conversation about this yesterday

because he was quoting something that I said about something completely different and woke up to just a cavalcade. of the same I don't know what it is also I like Jeff Saturday he was a fine player he's a fine player he's not on television

this is a weird fucking choice and I said I love Jeff but this is real weird that was the end that was that was it and the firestorm I set off in my own timeline was just like

where did the fucking Jeff Saturday hive come from and why are they so unlike Jeff Saturday I love that there is this like suicide squad of Yahoo commenters who I imagine have a phone tree

that they all call each other and they're like hey listen Jason Kirk was talking shit about Saturday I need you boys to dust it up for one more ride I say this place

I'm the one here who used to fucking work at Yahoo this was a lot even by those standards but Jason's right it's like they haven't changed at all they all show up with like

it's like they got their guide to posting at the clearance rack at Ross it's like this is you are not trained in this what are you doing out here you're you're late that's just out here honestly the most yahoo thing they could have done would have been to do this five days from now don't worry they will that was so like so like a big year for late but stupid twitter

dude it is like i have my usual like people calling me a christian apostate or whatever you know and have my people call like based i'm like used to all that type of shit adding in the racist Jeff Saturday Jeff Saturday doesn't want you being racist for him Jeff Saturday is confused as to why

Jeff Saturday has this job he doesn't need your racist support pretending to know the mind of Jim Ursay who the fuck are you people this is this is me sitting at my house

opening the door and being like yo fuck the British Cavalry of Crimea and shut the door and they show an institution a record label

yeah and then a month later on December 8th 2020 two, I hear the clomp of hooves and the entire British cavalry was at my door. Sir.

He heard you talk shit about William the Conqueror. Get him. No, it's not even like that, Spencer. It's if December 8th random horses who have nothing to do with Britain's shit. From 1847. Someone even older shows up.

Yeah. Oh, but it's December 8th and we're prepared. You know why? Welsh horse skull. That's right. Do you all know who the current starting quarterback for, by the time this comes out, this could have changed multiple ways. Do you know who the starting quarterback for the Colts is?

I do. Wait, is it not? Is it not him anymore? Sam Allinger, yeah. Yes. Oh, I was wrong. Yes. It is Sam Ellinger.

It's not still Philip Rivers, because that was going to be my guess. Do you know how many coaches on the Colts' current staff have play calling experience? Zero. Huh. Yeah. Oh, go look up their office. Oh, no, go look up their office. coordinator it's absolutely uh they fired him they fired him two weeks ago wait did they fire zane fakes

no oh thank god my sweet boy zane deep fakes is safe no no no here we go spencer jason please look up zane fakes okay i'll look him up if you look up parks i am playing i am playing animal crossing makes it over do it parks fraser if you want to know like bunkey perkins on twitter is fond of publishing the list of what fraternity is it. Sigma New, I think, inductees. Like, and it'll be all these names that are like each one is more Mississippi than the next until you finally end up with a guy whose name is something like Plinth McGillicuddy. So Parks Frazier, yes.

I taught a kid named Parks. Does he have a family foundation? I'm so glad you asked. Parks Frazier is the new de facto play caller. and I'm on his I'm on his Colts page hometown

Corinth Mississippi Parks Fraser of Corinth Mississippi and when I talked about Bass Acquard's weird ass super connected

paths into the NFL the meritocracy then this is a perfect example of that minus the bizarre like ivy prep at

middle Tennessee states an ivy isn't it yeah it's a cutz there is poison ivy there yes that should be a brand we should make that a thing yeah the sunbelt that's our conference

2015 that's just the conference of teams we adopt 2015 defensive quality control at Sanford meaning coffee 2015 same year same year.

Middle Tennessee State. Defensive quality control. That's a shitty commute. He must have been really good. That's Nashville to Birmingham.

So much coffee. Not Birmingham. 2016 to 17. Arkansas State Graduate Assistant. Which Arkansas State administration was that? That was in the Kerosome years.

That's Blake Anderson. Okay. All right. So then in 2017, he goes from that to 2018 to 2019. He's the assistant to the head coach.

He's married by Frank Reich. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't think that's true. Frank Reich went to seminary. Reform to seminary, to be clear. Wait, wait, wait, explain that again. No. Frank, what are you meanies?

Yeah, Frank Reich, who is an ordained minister. Why is this so upsetting to me? Married. I hope he's better at being a minister. No, he was reformed. Yeah. And he married Parks Frazier and his wife. Oh.

Yes. Yes. So he's not that reformed. No, reformed is a misnomer. Don't be fooled by reformed. It means the opposite of what it sounds like. Uh-huh. It's reformed.

in which direction. It's more like preformed. Preformed? Can I give you the most... They should call it something else. I'm going to give you the most football guy shit ever because I'm going to read to you a summary of... Being married by Frank Wright wasn't the most...

No, it's not. There is more layers of football food here. That's a Bible reference, folks. Reich first shared this quote two years ago, the quote being, and it was only appropriate that I said, you want to know what the great foundation for our marriage is? The three T's, trust, toughness, and teamwork. The message was about at the wedding, trust, toughness, and team. As Carolyn said, to be standing there in a wedding dress and tucks and we're getting married,

and Frank Reich is telling us trust, toughness, and team. He gave them a football speech at their wedding. My dad actually kind of did a football speech at my wedding, if we recall. Lots of dads do that. So his... I've heard one with... Sorry, go ahead. Yes, I am divorced.

No, that you're not. In 2021, Parks Frazier got promoted to assistant quarterbacks coach. Does anybody remember how the cult season ended in 2021? No, I know this because it has very deep significance to the Philadelphia Eagles, go birds. They were nine and seven entering their last game of the season against the Jacksonville Jaguars. As you may remember last season, we're fucking terrible. They lost to the Jaguars. 26 to 11. Here is Carson Wentz's passing line. 17 of 29 for 185 yards, one touchdown, one pick, and six sacks.

I love the ghost story voice you're using for this. By doing this, the Eagles had secured from the Colts a first round pick for Carson Wentz, which seemed like a fucking miracle at the time. But it relied on two things. One, Carson Wentz had to play a certain amount of games. And at some point during the season, the Colts weren't that good. And there was, is a question of sort of like, should they just shut him down so they don't have to give up this first round pick? Well, they didn't do that, and they sort of crawled back into the race. And then, of course, the second thing is, where does that pick fall? If you make it into the playoffs, that pick can get better and better. If you lose to the Jaguars and miss out on the playoffs, that pick is solidified in like the middle of the first round, which is what the Eagles got. Now, for all their trouble, where is Carson Wentz now? He's not a fucking Indianapolis cold. now honestly he might be glad about that at this point also after that jags game um i believe

it was jimmer say who was like i swear to god i don't care how much cocaine i have to do we will never ever lose to the god damn jaguars ever again please expand on that they have since lost to the jaguars did they get shut out this year by the jaguars and i made that up this is the most this is the most NFL shit to me too because Ursade kind of been on a on a streak of like wow I'm going to do things the right way I'm going to be the guy who gets Dan Snyder out no no that's that's why this happened it's all cosmetic it's all cosmetic it's all cosmetic and then all of a sudden back to the old me I want you're mistaken you're mistaking the cycle here what happened was this for years the line on Dan Snyder was you can't get him out he's

entrenched he'll never sell he is immune to any sort of shame punishment, you just have to fucking deal with him. Jim Ursay comes out and is like, I think, I think we should move on. I think we should get Dan Snyder out of the fucking paint. And it looks like that starting to work. And drunk on power,

Jim Mersey is like, my best friend will become the coach. Drunk on power and horse tranquilizers mix of the shit. And horse tranquilizers and cocaine. Also, the beginning of the cult season is even funnier than I remember. They started by tying

the team that comes the like every year people do the thing could the best college team beat the worst NFL team and everyone has you know no that's wrong that's impossible I am very smart you know this is the first one you have to actually like yes yes we fucking get it we all know the professional athletes stop back and like you're the first person figure that out this is the one team that actually makes you think I don't know the Houston Texans the Colts tied that team to start the season after swearing they were above the Jacksonville Jaguars of the world They followed up tying the Georgia Bulldogs by getting the shit kicked out of them, 24 to nothing, to those very same Jacksonville Jaguars, before beating the Chiefs. What a run. Another amazing thing about Jim Ursay, and I think this is true for a lot of people who have had substance abuse issues, is that drugs didn't really bring this out of him. Jim Ursay's been like this sober. Like he's just this dude. He's going to do this kind of shit. so Sam Ellenger

now got to enjoy the entire Tom Herman run pretty much at Texas and is now and is now it now gets to be the starting quarterback for this

for this for Jeff Saturday Jeff Sunday now thank you to the And usually we don't talk about the NFL this much, but I'm really glad that they've given us a service. They do collegiate-ass shit. I think more than we, you know, more than we give them credit for it.

Yeah. This is our way of this is like, I can't think of, when is the last time like a, um, like a Power 5 college team has done this? I don't mean just hire some rando. I mean hire somebody who's like literally not a coach. Like even Herm did not qualify and that was the weirdest shit. The closest you get is every time, this is the easy example, but every time people are like, Tennessee should just hire Peyton. Tennessee should just make Peyton the head coach.

But they haven't. It didn't happen. Like, honestly, the closest might be a few years ago when people are saying just hire Deion. But like even Deion is. Like, worked among, like, you know, worked in proximity to football athletes as a, it's. an instructor, sort of, but, like, you know, and now is an experienced head coach. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're going to get, that's the, if you hire.

This might actually, oh my God, you weren't talking about never having told a joke. Jim Mersey just hired a dude because he had kind eyes. Yeah. He does have kind eyes. He does have incredibly kind eyes. This is more college than college football, and for that, we must respect the NFL. Not going to be a Colts fan, though. The Shield is strong.

I mean they tried to get Matt Ryan killed so I don't really oh god I forgot I'm a fan sorry I got I got sidetracked and forgot to mention the the actual nadir of my unwanted Jeff Saturday conversation yesterday was somebody listing off well you know if they're going to pull somebody who's unknown and that they start listing all the reasons all these other Indianapolis figure they wouldn't work and they're like and you know nobody remembers Johnny United and I'm like, that's problem B when you're talking about

wanting to hire Johnny Unitas who's and I started, it kind of got me thinking have all the has YouTube just flattened our notion of linear time? Yes. Like just because you can see Johnny Unitas

on television, do you think that means he's alive? How long do you think Johnny Unitas has been dead? I know this because, Ryan, Johnny Unitas is godfather. Oh, I didn't know that. So, yeah, this is why I know he's been dead since 2003 because we were juniors in college.

It's been a long time. I still like the idea, though. It's outside the box and inside another one. I like the timing of the Colts move at least. Yeah, yeah. Jeff Saturday getting the incredibly random hire that no one understands. Because they get to play the Raiders.

The team is capable of blowing any lead. Like, the Las Vegas Falcons is who you're getting to get to strut out against in your very first NFL game. Why not, man? Oh, that does put it into rather stark contrast. This also, in preparing the game, we just concluded, it also made me realize we've had some movement on our hot seat draft. Our number one pick across the board, Brian Harson, successfully dumped. I think the first coach that any of us picked who got fired was actually one of us. Spencer's when Will Healy got fired.

Yep, yep. And Jeff Scott, who I picked, just recently got canned. I don't think anybody else on this list has been shown the door as of yet. How are our playoff picks doing? So based on that scoring system, Harrison is now worth three points. Correct. Healy's now worth two. Scott's now worth one.

Yeah. So Spencer's in the lead. Correct. That's upsetting. Um, we've still got Jimbo, Tom Allen, Pat Mnodoozy, Brady, Brady, Hoke, Pat Fitzgerald, Mel Tucker, Sark, Sark's not happening. God, this dinner party sucks. Scott Satterfield. Nightmare Blonde Rotation.

Scott Satterfield is off that list, brother. Nightmare Blunt Rotation is the rival conference to the Cudzee Conference. Here's the thing. You say Scott Satterfield is on that list. and I say any team, any program that's like, well, let's see what happens in the Virginia game is not that committed to you in the first place. I think they are looking for any thin excuse. Butch Jones, Brent Venables, Jake Spavittal, Neil Brown, that one could be happening for sure.

Eli Drinkwitz, I think that one's fine. West Virginia might be, never mind, I'll talk about it a little bit. West Virginia might be making a couple changes in that. department i'll tell you what picking boise state here was a real genius move by me like you're gonna finish like fucking ranked we all we all have one we all have one bad pick patner dozy is my bad pick uh sark is holly's bad pick um venables i have venables is my venables that was a bad pick that was a bad pick no no no i just mean information available yes i just mean i just mean a pick that has proven itself no but not to pan out

Like, at the time, at the time, Spencer took a flyer that immediately proved itself out and then is clawing its way back. His Butch Jones pick is stupid. I still defend my Butch Jones pick based solely on the criteria of mad fireable, extremely fireable. It's just because he always looks like that's right. Just look at a picture of him. Yeah, mad fireable. I don't know if anybody has, is there anybody who we wouldn't have picked then who now you're like, I don't know? anybody who's like in danger danger

yeah sure someone who has entered our someone who's fallen into since this is public now can we talk about can we talk about the the Gruden thing that happened sure

let's go right back to the Raiders it all comes back to the Raiders Jason Spencer did you see did you see the beautiful Lee Roy Jenkins thing that happened at the USF press conference I don't think I would ever watch a USF press conference that congratulations on all your success yes that's a that's a wise course

that you've set for your life but what you missed was apparently Gruden is getting a serious look at USF and they're being so not sneaky about it that at a hang on let me it was that the AD was giving a press conference and before he could even give his opening statement some member of the A reporter, are you going to hire John Cruden? Yes. This is, if you want to go look at this, this is Matt Baker at the Tampa Bay Times on Twitter.

And this is, again, before he even gets his opening statement in, so what's up with the Gruden thing? This led me to a haunting discovery, which is that John Gruden, despite winning a Super Bowl in Tampa, left that franchise with a worse winning percentage than he did his first go-round with the Raiders. he has continually gotten worse as a head coach over time does he have meaningful recent college experience nope so he has like a half-life like i think the only argument for john gruden to usf is that usf will be in the news for some dumb shit in the next two years that's about like that i guess is the strike against jeff scott is that usf was only in the news for being bad at football and with john gruden it'll be some incredible NCAA nonsense that they get themselves into.

Or also weird sex emails to send to NFL people and the CEO of Hooters. Right, no tradition like a new tradition. Oh, he's moving close. He's moving closer to the Hooters Hive. I think he lives there. I think he still lives there. I think he still lives in Tampa. That's much less interesting.

Yeah, remember in his post-coaching career, his idea of fun was to go to an office park off Dale Maybury go into a tiny rented office and watch film at 5 in the morning. That is what he did for fun when he did not have a job. I know we make a lot of Sims jokes, but oh my God, that's depressing. Also, I want this to happen. What do you think is the most complicated dish John Gruden could cook? Something out of a box, but with a little razzle-dazzle on it.

Like Zatarans? Yeah, or like, you know, he's like, it's exotic. Yeah, something like, hey, look, mac and cheese, but look at the pork ron grinds from the gas station I put on it would you eat would you eat a piece of fish prepared by John and Groot? Fish 100% no no no

that should actually be a good like search firm question final sign off on anybody yeah yeah yeah because that was the source of his acumen as and reputation as a play caller was like ooh he's a master of the West Coast offense he got Rich Gannon and he just used like he used the same playbook everyone else

used in 1997 and then he never really changed it. Like, I remember in film rooms, he'd go, you guys are doing a bunch of interesting stuff with his own read. I'm going to go learn about it. And he'd go learn about it. And next season, it was like, nope, split back protection slants. Like, that was it.

He's like, he never. I'm so good at bad, though, too. Yes, exactly. So, like, in any video game, sports or otherwise, there's this evolving meta, right? We're like, this is the shit that works. So this is the shit everyone does. There was a point in time where the meta lined up with the one thing John Gruden is a genius sat right it was suddenly the

dink and dunk meta bam John Gruden is the best coach and all of football has spent like 20 years convincing themselves that John Gruden's shit still works it's refusing to drift in Mario Kart because you learned on Super Nintendo and you think that makes you a purist

God he would always run to veterans always dude never what possible just to make this case even worse than recent events and email disclosures would on on the football field, what evidence would you have of this person being able to raise a young quarterback from a boy to a man? Okay, if I wanted somebody you could do that, you look for, not saying

he's available, a Chris Peterson, a Lane Kiffin. God, Lane Kiffin can get anyone to play quarterback. Lane Kiffin got Jonathan Krompton game ready. Whatever else you have to say about Lane Krippen and I have fucking plenty to say, he got Jonathan Krompton into a competent quarterback. I watched it fucking happened. It was weird, but it happened. Listen, I tried to throw a cornhole back 75 feet yesterday, okay? And I did not make it because I suck. I'm terrible. I can't throw very far.

And do you know what? Lane Kiffiff would be like, okay, so we're going deep on this first play. I'm like, how's it going to work? He's like, we're going to make it work, bro. And I would throw for 250 yards. I don't know how, but he would make it happen. Meanwhile, John Gruden, if you want to look at the list of quarterbacks that this dude had.

Brad Johnson. Brad Johnson, who, by the way, Brad Johnson is like maybe one of the foremost trick shot people in the world right now. Sure. He's incredible. He's very accurate and he was perfect for that system because he can throw it 18 feet on a dot and that's why they were

successful. But when it came to actually find a new dude, Brian Greasy, Chris Sims, Chris Sims again. Tim Rite, Bruce Grantowski. Chris Sims minus Jeff Garcia. My brother, you keep... I think Chris Sims minus

is just Chris Winky. My brother, you can keep digging in that bargain bin. It ain't there. it ain't there i don't care how deep you go this is not somebody this is not somebody who would arrive to the um the facilities in tampa see a 19 year old and go hey we got good things coming no no he's not going to be able to do it just imagine his patience and understanding and um and all that type of shit with a college freshman who like makes a mistake makes a football mistake right like went to some high school

where they just threw the ball all around and he knows the names of seven plays and that's fine because that's all he's ever needed to know and John Gruden comes in with his filing cabinet full of bullshit and it just expects that kid to be perfect at all of it

like come on man like who is this supposed to appeal to 48 year old bucks fans? Yeah that's the question I was really Hooters franchisees this is well no because this is ultimately you know this is all ultimately entertainment hiring the coach is a piece of that entertainment who is the audience for this hire well and if you

do if you do the bud thing where you're like when do when do current recruits do they remember no they don't fucking remember the 2002 bucks absolutely not more and more crucially this isn't a joke that's not he's not relevant to a version of madden that they play no no who Who might bring Monty Kiffin in, though? That'd be good. Monty, listen, I would respect that. They'd call him the Tampa Coot. Yeah, because.

Lane, we said Coot. Monty would at least normalize nap time. You're like, sorry, it's true. It's true. Between Monzi and, between Monty and Gruden, they sleep eight hours a night. Thank you for the notion that they're both sound like colloquy baby.

Is it Monty's seven and a half? Yeah, Monty seven and a half and grid. Yeah, also, can I just like... When you get up and burp Gruden? If Gruden, like, if you want to know why he's not good at his job anymore, just look at the amount of sleep. Like if he was ever really good at his job as a question, but I'm convinced anybody who is on that like alpha male grinds at no sleep 80s bullshit

and grow up with that. Can we get him a fan? Yeah. Anybody who did that, I'm just convinced they're diminishing returns on sleep, right? Like, there's a certain Twitter owner who always brags about that. I'm like, brother, it seems like you're pretty sleep deprived. What are we talking about?

So, like, if, if he was actually this big, like, if he was actually this big of a football genius, he wouldn't need to work 167 hours a week. That's correct. He's also, John Gruden, by the time next football season rolls around, John Gruden will be 60. Why are you hiring a 60-year-old, John Gruden. What is the point of that?

He's ripened. I buy candles when they've been burned all the way down. But Jason, the difference is you're asking a 60-year-old coach to now learn how to, oh, my God. A six-year-old coach to learn recruiting. I didn't say it's a good idea. I'm just saying there's so many old guys. But you know what, again, we're talking about USF, and that in and of itself is a huge win. heck we're talking about him right now

go find me some old bullshit artist go find me some fraudster who's going to turn this around schedule incarnate word three games a year and get this at like eight and four overnight based on absolute scammery that's what I want you know who's still alive Jackie Cheryl

go get Jackie Cheryl Jackie Cheryl Jackie Cheryl shows up with a gun I'm serious now Jackie Cheryl there's a main night game There's a There's a guy who knows

how to get a bull moving. There's a guy who knows which part of the bull to grab hold on. God, damn it. Just Google it. Google it with images on. Like if you're going to go this way, if you're going to hire Jeff Saturday

or John Gruden, just go real fucking weird with it. Just be like, Pat Riley's the new head coach. This is all. We're South Florida after all Yeah, it's fine He's a winner He's won at South Florida

What do you want? We're talking about this yesterday How far How far before you just start crossing sports leagues And you're just like Steve Nash The brown Was it the Browns who did this

Like maybe five years ago When they were like Oh she's gonna take over at Stanford It wasn't a coach But I think they like It was a GM who had a base Who was a baseball based I believe

No, the Browns, like, interviewed Condi Rice. Does that... Yeah, they, like, entertain the notion of having Condi Rice. Because they don't have enough problematics on their roster. Yeah. Then they decided Cleveland football was enough of a war crime by itself.

They were just dedicated to, like... No matter who you think the worst fucking person is for any given category, we'll put them in. Dude, this is where, like, I just... That's an ethos. If I'm the athletic director, I make sure my buyout is rock solid. I hire Houston Nut, and he comes in, and I'm like, I don't want to hear a damn thing about what you do.

I will talk to you once a year. I'm going to be on my boat. You, you're going to have 400 people on your roster. Some of them won't even be American citizens with the proper paperwork. I don't give a shit. You know, if I see syringes falling out of lockers, I'm not going to look. What better part of the country to have a Little League cheating infrastructure than Tampa? I have a 37-year-old man with no enrollment.

massive PED issues starting at linebacker. The whole team is Aussie. Somehow the whole USF roster is 38-year-old Aussies. The most Aussie thing in the world would be to punt 15 times a game, win six games a year every

single year, and then have like 14 points a game. That would be it. It would be like, ah, that's real football. I just don't know the idea of every year 25 Australians are like, let's go get business degrees in Tampa, Florida. Hotel management. mate they all fall out of the same shipping container at the port right like clowns out of a clown car

riding their uh horses or i don't know scorpion they show giant scorpion swimming up on giant scorpions there's like scorpion parking at hooters where usf's president lives i like that you're describing like little parking signs with the outline of the squirrel they're like all right there's a Doesn't Tom Brady go to school here? I gave up on that accident once. Dirtbag Namor or something. Yeah. Listen.

They're all either dirt mag. They're always on the lookout for a third husband. They're all either dirtbag name or like strip mall toe cutter from the bad match. Have we established with the new Black Panther whether they are letting Namor be Namor or has the whole like changing the guard thing overshadowed that? Or where they're going to let Namor be like Mr. Stee. Like, is Namor going to steal all the... No, I'm asking, is Namor going to hit up all these women at a funeral? I hope so.

They can't do that until they bring it the Fantastic Four in, right? I mean, are they going to... They brought in Namor before the Fantastic Four. No, no, but I wonder if they're doing that so the audience gets used to Namor and then... So, Namor will behave until... Until Sue Richards shows up. No, but that doesn't... Who is going to buy him?

I admit this, because I'm holding... Jessica Alba in my head, but who's going to buy him, like, not hitting on Lupita? And then Jessica Alba walks in and he's like, no, no, listen, Namor, respectfully. Respectfully is on the loose at all times. There's a storyline of the comics where in order to, I believe, seal a treaty and a deal. He's not respectfully on the loose. What are you talking about? Not in the comics. No, in the comics, he has an affair with a lobster lady, like a totally different species in order to secure. That's Tampa's Hell. Consensually. Yeah, it's all. Oh, he's consensual, but he's not respectful yeah but he uh but yeah lobster the lobster seemed yeah no no no they they kiss goodbye

and everything so like yeah if if namor's on the screen somebody it's danger girl danger namor would fuck his doppelgaker oh 100% 100% I mean uh it's it's it's it's the double kanger's my life it's uh it's the doppelanger's aquaman so yeah man like that that rule 42 it's that's low effort, you're just copy and paste. All I do was like to reassess my notion of fucking your own doppelganger at this time. Not yours, Spencer.

No, no, just Namor's. This means Thanos fucks Darkseed. Oh, now we're cooking. Deadpool and I forget the name of the guy Deadpool ripped off. So yeah, Deadpool would do that. If we're going back to comics and Thanos fucks Darkseed, then who

fucks lady death I'm sure there's a marvel I just put us in a ditch Squirrel girl DC death Squirrel girl Stop oh don't do that to squirrel girl

Yeah so bad that is Unless you're saying squirrel girl is lady death Doppler which I fully accept That is the most Squirrel girl is as capable A murderer True No one can defeat either death

This is powerful yeah Yeah remember Squirrel girl also That is I think that is the I think that's the comic's equivalent of the, um, it was Miss Argentina and Miss I forget the other. Puerto Rico, I think. Puerto Rico, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the comic. Congratulations to the kids,

Bown. Hey, we got voicemails. That was our football podcast. Oh. Oh. No, yeah. What, what voice, let's end with voicemails. Um, we have a, uh, I was asked to, on Saturday night when I was an injury scratch with a thrown out I was asked by our good buddy Billy from Baton Rouge

asked me whether I thought Nick Saban might be the man for this job and I was unable to address this on the air. And I told Billy that if he wanted to, he could take a swing at it. Serber, would you play 504? Holly, Spencer, Jason, this is Billy from Baton Rouge. You know, I think we just have to have a couple of discussion points here. And Nick Saban got handed to Heism trophy winning quarterback. he got all the calls coming in from Birmingham

and he still couldn't finish the drilling Baton Rouge on Saturday and you know I think it's just time to ask some questions about whether that man's the right coach to leave this program anymore I'm gonna hang up and listen bye he did it that was smooth

thank you William what is more likely Nick Sabin loses four games and is like fuck it I'm no I'm over it I'm not doing it or Nick Saban loses four games and is like, I am not quitting until I win another national. I'm not going out like this. I think we all know.

Yeah, you know. He's coming back. Okay. I don't think there's any number of games he could lose that would convince him to not keep trying to win. Okay. Also, it's cool how close he's come to already losing four games this year. It is cool. That is very cool.

Two plays away from Bama being five and four. Unranked. Probably number nine. But, yeah, number nine, number nine in five and four. Swear to God, if they're ahead of TCU tonight. Oh, we, listen, on Channel 6 today, we ranked TCU number one just to, like, balance things out. Yeah, they're going to play, yeah.

I'm not going to say anything about the old mess game because I feel like. Is that your attitude? Don't look at it? Yeah, that is correct. It can't hurt you. Let it cook. If I smell something good, I might pop in the kitchen. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I'm not lifting to the lid yet, though. Don't touch it. Definitely don't touch it. I'll just say it. Cadillac Williams is going to finish off Nick Sabin. Wow. That would be a real blow to a guy with a Mercedes dealership.

I'll tell you what. After giving out all those escalades all those years, hoist on his own pittard. Oh, no. My chargers. All my Dodge Chargers. Rough episode for Chargers all around. But we asked for... But lots of chargers.

Productive chargers. Then we have what's fence. Just driveways full of chargers. Sorry. Yeah, I don't, I think Ahab only dies when the whale eats him. So I think. What? Isn't that this season?

That's that movie dick, too. No, we can go. We can go lower. You think you, so you, you are going to say that you think this is not the bottom of the Nick Saban Ark. No. No, I don't. Okay.

I don't think this is the bottom because if I'm going by my rules for human behavior, it's that people don't learn and they don't change, this dude will not give up. Okay, let me just, let me just ask the rude question right now. He's learned and changed many times, but I agree with you on the, fundamentally, not giving up. Yes. Fundamentally, yes.

Nobody has changed more than Nick Savan. Come on. I agree with you on the never give up part. It's, today is November 8th, 2022. Spencer, who's going to win September 9th, 2023 when Texas comes to Tuscaloosa? Texas. Okay.

All right, there it is. Like, I mean, what, Quinn, you were going to be there? Yeah. Future SEC honk, Spencer Hall. Also, is Rexion going to be there? Please continue to explain the joke. Yeah. Love it.

no is a so without Bryce young Bama's what four and five five and four this year five and four five and four it is such a weird experience to watch a quarterback dragging an Alabama team behind him I mean so the flip side of this if we're going to play this game is that Alabama is not also not that far away from being undefeated right yeah but so is Clemson no wait they got the shit no Clemson it's right home I take it back update Look at you talk about little old clumps. So is North Carolina, right? The fun part about next.

That is the scary part. The fun part about the shit kicked out of him by Notre Dame. Picking terrible examples here. The fun part. I forgot about the Notre Dame North Carolina thing. This is always been a pro Notre Dame podcast. Everyone knows that and that's why people tune in. Where else would you hear about Notre Dame?

We love police and Catholicism. Yes. Catholicism, the police of religion. Tulane. Tulane is the, I think the one lost team closest undefeated. There we go. Yeah. By the way, next year, Alabama has to pick up a transfer of QB.

So look forward to that. Nick will love that, that they have to go somewhere else for a QB. Problem solved. That would be the most Alabama thing. No, go get Lane's quarterback. We were very impressed by your audition against us. Yeah, welcome to the team. they take a bag off his head because they abducted him

can we find one more year of eligibility for bo necks probably can i bring it back bring it back can i wishcast and i don't i don't believe this but sure can i can i wish cast for just a second the truth of nick throwing in the towel this year and of him throwing it in fairly soon just so we get Auburn and Alabama open at the same time. Wow. It's a long off-season, boys.

Wow. David Shaw Bidding War. It's a long, boring off-season. Let us have this. So how many, you don't have to come up with a list here, but like, what does that then diagram look like? What are the coaches who are good fits for either Alabama post-nick saving or Auburn right now? As we've said for, as we've said for so many other jobs, like okay

Nick's gone for what sure who wants who wants that never mind I'm sure many people want that job I don't have the first clue who they would be looking for I do I can't see that

he's holding up his phone as if as if is that Antonin and Scalia I can't fucking see who that is close it's lame now with just your settings okay all right his phone is a good photo of him Your phone is way too bright to be healthy. That photo of him looks like a,

it looks like when you like take a photo, scan a photo into like one of those, like a Nintendo Wii face scanner type thing. And it makes you look like just a block. That's what that photo of Lane looks like. You know what, I will say this for Lane. He has never adopted an accent.

Okay, so Spencer, since you've brought it up, is Lane Kiffin a better fit at Bama or Auburn? I think he is... I should just be the episode title. I think he's a better fit at Alabama. He is because he knows how to run... He knows how the operation runs. I'm not going to say he knows how to run it,

but he knows how that operation is run. Yeah. And the key to a success... The biggest key to a successful... Alabama program post-Nick is to his continuity of the machine, right? Yes. And he knows where all the stuff is and he knows he knows who's going to be mad at him and who he needs to keep in line and make happy and he knows where he knows where the fences are he knows where the holes in the fences are and at Auburn guess where the fences are nowhere and fucking and he also in at least right now in Alabama you don't have a two-headed booster core yeah I've also got at least not one with two extremely powerful skulls.

Schism, schism, schism. Oh, yeah, we're all rooting for it. Eastern Orthodox Auburn. Auburn fans have never heard of these words. We celebrate Easter on a different one. Then there's independent Auburn where you just pray to the Auburn of your choice whenever you feel like it.

You can't spell Auburn without you, you. Wow. Unitarian Auburn. But yeah, that's... Oh, God, it sounds dirty just to say it that way. I mean, you know, they have, they have two mascots. We don't even have to stretch. The dog is the bird, the cat is the bird.

The bird is the word. We are all the planes. The bird and they're the same, but different. One of them can't fly, but they're totally the same. It's very important for you to understand. Sometimes the tigers, sometimes the tiger is an angel. It's kind of confusing. It's incredibly important.

We will kill people who don't understand it. The most critical thing in the world to pretend you. understand. See, I used to not like it, but now, like, they're like, well, the angel's also a tiger who's also an eagle, and you're like, that's cool as shit. That's awesome. It's like listening to somebody explain a tattoo that they don't really know why they got it. Which is very opalika. All right, so what happened was. So it started a tiger. So first of all, you got to know that this means water in Sanskrit. Yeah. But then Kathy divorced me, so I had to get that covered up with the tiger. like tigers because they're like they're like you know like brr they're like they like to hide in the

in the bushes and like you know so do i and like um and they can't be seen you know because they're out there plotting and like i got schemes uh but also i like eagles because like you know first of all um USA you know i look up in the sky and i see i don't see tigers up there probably because they're hiding because the stripes but um you know i just want to be an eagle but also hiding in the bushes. So that's why I went to Auburn. Very powerful. It spoke to me on a spiritual level. And you're telling me Lane Kiffin doesn't fit it better

with that. No. There's no way that he has tattoos. Do you see how many out of context Bible versus that man posts on social media accounts? Yeah, that's true. I will say this. He's already the Auburn head coach. If both jobs are open and Lane Kiffing goes to Bama, he will go to great lengths to let you know that he was offered the Auburn job than turn it down.

Like, he might go to an Auburn press conference to announce that he's taking the Alabama job. He'll be the first coach to do a hat ceremony. Switching hat. Man, do you know, do you know the number one reason I actually, I've decided I actually want this to happen in this minute? And do you know why? Why? Because I really love the notion of Hugh Freeze being at liberty watching Lane get one of these jobs and he can't even get him in time of all. Oh, man.

there there there is beauty left in this world my brothers like that guy's just a huckster look at him he's just a hot air pious windbag yeah he's a huckster he's a huckster who paid enough attention at nick savon school for wayward coaches to learn how to operate a goddamn cell phone network is is he frie's huddlehouse lane kiffin is is he like design and posture like that is so goddamn mean that's the meanest thing you've ever said in your life i'm so impressed with you right now the best part is that if you would just like in terms of like what they're infamous for doing sure yeah

yeah yeah I'm just it's not the only thing is Link Kiff has been like yeah who gives the shit right

that and a friendly sheriff's department in Knoxville yeah yeah that that and you know not conducting some business over a phone

that could be I am telling you that is what he picked up at Alabama. He might learn that from Al Davis too if I'm being honest. I've told you too much kid

now I gotta kill you. That man cracked out an overhead projector to fire. What if Red Skull, oh, did NFL yeah, we almost saw his red skull like skin skin peeling back on his face. Depends on how long Jason Garrett

stays in there. We might still. get to witness that particularly. I want to know what Steakhouse Al Davis went to because it had to be the most old band classic retro steakhouse. It's like, what do they have here? Cream spinach. Smoke. Smoke.

Smoke. Everyone here still smokes like it's 1960. You have to wear a tie and you have to smoke. How do you want your steak? Hard. I want it to hit the plate and break it. Crunchy.

Asteroid, please. feel it tomorrow on the commode give me the adamantine rib eye please i'll have it difficult well what are you going to do we're all going to order port afterwards the cheap shit because we're real men port heavy then we're going to talk about our wives in normandy how much we hate our normandy wire our french wives remember marcelline she's I wish it was Divorce Day Divorce Day.