Shutdown Fullcast - EMERGENCY ACC SCHEDULE FORMAT RELEASE EPISODE

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

EPISODE NOTES The new ACC schedule format is out! Dive in with our panel of experts, if you like piña coladas.  Our panel of experts consists of Surber and Jason. Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know when there's a safe deposit box as a plot device in movies or television? Inside Man, yeah. The way, not in all movies, but I feel like most of the time, the way it's presented is the only thing you need to get access to a safe deposit box. Any safe deposit box is the piddly little key. That's it. Like, that can't be how it works, right? It can't be that banks are like, yes, our most trusted clients have their, like, most valuable assets or their, like, like deepest secrets and we take care of them and we don't even ask for ID and in some cases

we don't even ask for a name you could just show up and hand them the key and they're like yes very good here here is like the the Pope's secret marriage certificate that he doesn't want anyone to see but you had the key you had the one inch key that looks like it opens a locker at LaGuardia so therefore you can like that can't be right can it um yeah I think it is but do you know what you have to do in movies for that to be accurate punch somebody in the throat no well that does help have wealth yeah you should also look wealthy you should walk up and say i am lyman zirga i am here for my no but there isn't there isn't doesn't one of the born movies have like franka put into coming in and like ripped up tank top

with a security deposit key well yeah but that's the born movies which are entire those are fictional unlike the documentary fast and furious which is now i think you're all over ten parts I'm like this from an East Coast perspective, where on the West Coast, the thing is, you know, the guy in pajamas is the billionaire too, right? Yeah. Yeah, the point of wealth is to display that you, the point of like running around in your yoga pants all day is to display that you're so rich you don't need to wear work clothes. But the yoga pants cost $9,000. Yes. Right.

Okay. All right. I'm with you. So everything I know I learned from video games. And in video games, I do not have to show identification after finding a key. I have key. I own everything that key opens. Sometimes I might acquire the master key, and then you're all fucked.

Interesting. There is one video game, and I know Spencer's been playing it, or at least has played it recently, where that's not true. And it's the Hitman series, where you can't just have a key, you have to have a disguise. I'm sorry, it's Hitman 3, and that is Spencer's son who's been playing it. Yeah, I mainly just watch. I have played missions.

That's a game for a 12-year-old. year old. It's a really good game for a 12 year old. A very, very, yes. Yeah, in the Hitman series, sometimes you have to have a stupid disguise and you have to have, in addition to that, like, a folder. There's one time when they're like, no, you need HR records. And I'm like, oh, come on. In Hitman? Yeah, no, you have to go get a folder that's like, no, I've been hired. You have to show it. Or you could do what I do, which is you hit everyone and beat them to death with frying pans the minute they come in the kitchen and you end up with a stack of like 17 dead waiters and the other one walks in and goes huh and you're like well like i got i got the waiter that we wanted dead plus all the other waiters and now i have 18 safe deposit keys let's see what they open master assassin master assassin i have opened the safe deposit box that contains another waiter and i will kill him I miss the old days when you could just have like a necklace of keys.

It's just so, it just feels to like unnecessarily faux boho. It makes me, I don't know, it makes me long for simpler times when you could just have like a necklace of ears. I've seen videos on TikTok of ornate 16th century locks that some genius who also probably invented calculus but didn't get credit for it invented as well. And these locks are beautiful and they're ornate and they take like nine different combinations. And they're fascinating to watch, especially if you kind of have OCD. because you have to do it in the right order and they're amazing and I'm like people are dumb like do you know how long do you know how quickly the king screwed up this lock combination like oh hell Chatsworth get back over here get the lock guy get the dumb ass who made this thing

that's why I think the idea that there's a single key that unlocks everything is really close to the truth I think that's how it was in most of the empowered world Okay, gotcha. Gotcha. So, I'm convinced that, like, I'm convinced that, like, the Tower of London just had one key. There's no... We should be careful with our verbiage. I will.

Starting now. It just had one key. Like, one key. The entire Tower of London had one key. I bet that led to some great pranks. Did we leave Nigel in the hole for how long? 23 years. Do you think the Tower of London?

and had the thing, like, the rock with the spare key, the fake rock with the spare key in it? Oh, 1,000 percent. Only they had to make it out of a real rock because they didn't have fake rocks back to. Oh, man. On the one hand, blends in better. On the other, so heavy. Sorry. I also.

But it also prompts great arguments between guards. Like, that's anthracite, idiot. I would just, look, two things. Does that look like shale to you? you fucking Rube. I want to be very... Or Rube hasn't even been invented yet. But I'm calling you.

That's how dumb you are. I had to invent a new term. Each power of London had Kyle's. I think this is a lesson here. Yeah. I want to acknowledge that Holly harkened back to a simpler time when you could have a necklace made of ears. I want to,

I, we all heard it. Okay, listen, it's not my fault that American mercenaries have made that like Utre. Mm-hmm. It might have, I'm just going to go ahead and think that maybe having necklace full of ears was probably not, it's probably frowned on in most of the world. You think that's available on it? Now, yeah.

Now, yeah. Necklace. But like a bunch of, like fucking Tiger Force went to Vietnam and among other things, ruined having necklaces of ears for everyone. Okay. Well, when you search necklace of ears on Amazon, you, not on, no, you got to go on Etsy. Oh, that's a good point. I want handmade ears.

Amazon does have a novelty prop. but I don't think that's what we're looking for. Manifest destiny, necklaces of human ears through the years. Wow. Oh, through history. Okay, all of these are, yeah, all of these are bad. All of these are bad. Why?

Specifically. All these are bad and most of them are American. To be clear, I don't support American colonialism. I just want to collect ears from people I don't like. What about one tasteful ear? like an ear broach yeah we're gonna get we're gonna get some emails yeah no this should be a rivalry thing in football like you should be like hey look nick want nick lost for the first time jimbo gets to take the ear gets to just wear it maybe nick gets it back next year that's why you can't schedule

more than a home and home it could it could just be a very midwestern like the old bronzed ear like it doesn't have to be nick sabin's ear you can just hand the same ear back and forth Yeah. The subhead here, okay, first of all, on this SFG article, Necklaces of Human Ears Through History is labeled as an opinion column. But the subhead here is three things that you don't want to be associated with at all, which is the scalping party, Iraq, and Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy, which is a terrible book. I liked it, but I'm not a good person.

I think Illinois and Nebraska should play for Van Gogh's Bronze Ear. I just want to be clear that I don't support war. crimes. I just want to take ears from people right now. That's why I'm making it Van Gogh's bronzed ear. That's why it's okay. Okay. You mean you support crime ears? You want to commit, you want to commit individual crimes to take ears. Not in a theater of war started under false pretenses by an imperialist government. Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear because he couldn't stand listening to Illinois football on the radio. Like Tiger Force fucking suck. Okay, maybe if you guys were paying a little bit more attention to tactics and a little bit less attention to, like,

like playing Pokemon with ears. I was going to say we would have won Vietnam, but that wouldn't have been great either. Never mind. Yeah, never mind. They fucking ruined this for everybody. I just, I mean,

taking trophies from people I want to yell at on the internet. Again, don't think this was cool before. This is probably frowned on. If I walked into a bank and they were like, sorry, your safe deposit box is empty. Somebody who looks nothing like you

and didn't even know your name had the key. There's nothing we, like I would, but that's part of the deal. You know that going in. you should have hung on to the key why it's about personal responsibility why is some other bank not like hey guess what we will at least ask we will take your picture and confirm that it's you all right oh you're creating a surveillance state now you're giving me you're also giving me a business

idea yeah banks infamous for avoiding surveillance in all costs apparently if they got lockboxes where you you don't you don't need anything but the key yeah Deutsche bank already exists but what I'm saying is a bank that pays you a bounty for other bank's safety deposit keys. I do think a good prank. Listen, I think death should be treated as a prank in as many ways as possible. Oh, mine will be. You should definitely, listener, you should do this. Go out.

This is not, we're not being paid by safe space. Put a can of snakes in my coffin, those little springy ones. Get several safe deposit boxes. Put absolute junk in them. absolute garbage but don't tell anybody that and don't tell anybody you have these safe deposit boxes leave them to curious people in your will like a co-worker you haven't talked to in 10 years a nephew that you weren't really close to whatever just so they can be like holy shit I got the key to the mystery safe deposit box but I have to go to you know Tucson okay that's fine I'll get on a

plane I'm so excited for the oh look at that it's nothing but Snickers rappers he left me in Buy her safe deposit box of old Snickers wrappers, what a dick. You could. And I'm laughing from hell. You could give everyone the key to the same box in Tucson, so they all arrive. Oh, race. And they have some sort of, yeah, who knows what could ensue once they arrive in Tucson. And then you tell them it can only be unlocked with an ear, but whose?

Ear ID. Why would you think they call it clear at TSA? I don't think that's why it could be. Mm-hmm. Corporate liability ear. Yeah. There we go. The ears are the sub-basement to the soul.

Ryan, you said we're not being paid by a safe deposit box. Is that a, so that's just a thing? They do them all? Yep. Okay. That's the name of the company. It's like Kleenex. They just fucking squatted on it.

Also, I know, I know banks, man. like if banks you know banks huh you're like okay because i've watched many movies about corporate greed also that might be the funniest thing he's ever said i was a bank of america customer for 12 years so i know i know are you okay i'm i am now i know banks i've seen an ATM at a stadium before yeah i did okay mr mr banking expert ryan annie you live in nashville i know how the bank works there you show it with five banjo strings and they're like would you like a house that's how that works not nash not anymore no not anymore Nashville's gone atlanta what they still no they do business in corn i'm from there i know you can take kernels of corn you can put them

right up on there and they'll be like hello mr ham face corn pone here's a home folks you're here first from tennessee native spencer hall that's right inflation's gone up you got to have the turkey and the straw yeah you're going to need a shitload of corn that's right you're going to need a you're going to need a aircraft carrier full of corn. Lucky for you, that's exactly what I have. That's the Iowa, Illinois traveling trophy. Man, dumping like a, okay, dumping like a semi-truck load of loose grain on somebody would be a great prank. Where is that old Iowa?

Until they died. Where is that? Died of what? Supplication? It's not water. There's air pockets. Yeah, but then you got to fish all that corn out of their ear before you put it on your necklace. Yeah.

they're slippery that's man it just it seems like it's that it's just struck me as a weird trophy because it seems like it's messy as hell and if you have to make more than one cut to get it off like how are you even identifying what you have here like ears look weird attached like what a weird trophy is all I'm saying why didn't you take a toe pirates how are you going to keep a toe on a necklace you put a needle through it same as anything else it's bones are hollow thread the needle through the toe bone in long ways. Do I have to do everything for you?

In this case, yes. At least when it comes to crafts. Holly Anderson, pirate consultant, Havana, St. Coy. Because I wasn't here for Hobby Lobby's Robbie, Hobby, Hammer Robby last week. I want to be clear. Thank you, Matt Pierce. Pirate feet and the people that pirates killed feet had to smell terrible.

Oh, because they totally cleaned their ears. Compared to their feet. I mean, sometimes they got wet. Sometimes they got wet. Feb were probably wet more often than ears. Water was disgusting back then, all water. I think 90% of ears smell the same, whereas a scurvy-ridden pirate who's been at sea for seven years

probably has, the smell of those feet is probably one of the worst smells imaginable. Yeah. Folks, if you're visualizing at home, yes, Spencer did just turn around in his chair trying to smell his own ear. It was worth it. shot. If you move fast enough. If you're fast, that's the key. Catch it. Catch it. Catch it, buddy. Go on. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast.

I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by my co-host, Holly Anderson, say hello. Hello. An alphabetical order. Jason Kirk. Hi, Jason. How are you? Hey, how's it going?

I was so sure he would fuck up the alphabet. I was so sure. No. Ryan Nanny. How are we doing, sir? The keys don't even look differentiated. You know what I mean? Like they all look alike.

Like this could be a key to a child's jewelry box. Fuck. There, it's, ah. Obviously, you've never walked in with enough brio, and gravitas into a bank where they didn't ask you for ID. That's what you do. I comb my beard out. I walk in in a pinstripe suit with a watch chain and a butler behind me,

and they never ask for ID. I feel like combing your beard out would have the opposite effect because it's going to get bigger. You're basically creating a frilled crest like a lizard. It's an intimidation factor and it works. If you put a pinstripe suit on, you would look like a confusing Babbar Cossplayer. Or a gentleman of. your coming to seek his due from the place of deposit,

Ryan, guaranteed by gold and not the falsehoods of the federal government. He's never going to pull this off. You know why? They would be expecting. No, no, I got it.

I got it in one. I know what's going to fill this operation right away. And it's the same thing that fells any freshman heavy college football team with a big road schedule to start September. You're going to have to. remember socks. I was going to say shoes, so we were on the same place. I'm sorry, really.

Yeah. I think he can pull off shoes, but I think he's going to have to find, he's going to have to make it to, like, close to his destination with a pair of socks. Could I BS it like Teddy Roosevelt and say something like, the feet need to breathe. It's good for circulation. Yeah. You have to say it loudly. You're just going to look a little bit eccentric as all.

And if you're going for, like, I am time traveler from 200 years ago, I mean, who's to say Sox existed then. That is the greatest line in the AFI film's number one movie of all time speed. When Dennis Hopper goes, poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric. Truer words. We were also joined by producer Michael Server, who sometimes will chime in like the voice of God himself. Serb, you got a haircut or is that a ponytail?

Man, I wish it was just, I wish it was a haircut with just a sick rat tail behind it, but it is just a hair. You got your summer shearing? It looks good. Yeah. I haven't cut my hair in two years, so I did. I just shaved it all off. Hell yes.

Two crimes. We do actually have extremely important college football news. Speaking not of poor people. Yeah, that's right. Talk about a conference with money. That's right. The Atlantic Coastal Conference. That, really?

Very. So close. I know, so close. Really? The Atlantic Coast Conference. They lost the AL because, uh, yeah, yeah, uh, the Atlantic Coast Conference, which used to be, Okay, hang on, you said coastal and that reminded me of something. Okay, so, yacht, rock.

This is scheduled news. Hang on. Okay, what is, what is the Atlantic Coastal conference done? Well, it's gotten a little less Atlantic and coastal because, uh, they have implemented a new football scheduling model. It's pods. Just say it's pod. It's not pods.

Ask the people on this call invented this 10 years ago. It's the three, five. five it's very similar to pods yeah it's podpottish but anyway the point that i was trying to do is that it's summer and therefore yacht rock radio is in constant rotation i say rotation like i changed the station on my serious xm dial and the main benefit of yacht rock radio is it makes you appreciate the rest of the year because that guy's voice is so terrible that they put in to do the little interstitials. Like, he's supposed to be the rich kid in the camp across the lake with the Josh Charles

face that you just want to punch. Not actual Josh Charles. I'm sure you're very nice. But 45 minutes never passes without you hearing the Pena Colada song. And I've been moving. And so I've been driving back and forth across Atlanta a lot, listening to Yacht Rock Radio. And that means I've heard the Pena Collada song like six times a day for the past month.

And I'm going to take you guys through the lyrics because I've noticed something. Okay. Okay. You know how this begins. because this is a song that plays in the bar and when you listen to the lyrics, you're like, this is fucked up on a domestic

and interpersonal level. But I think there's something deeper here. Okay. So I was tired of my lady. You know, we've been together too long. Like, we're not recording. I'm a favorite song.

This guy's reading the paper. He comes across a personal ads from a woman who asks if you like alcohol, being outdoors in inclement weather. she says if you're not into yoga she doesn't want a man who's flexible if you have half a brain

specifies no more if you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape man nobody actually likes fucking on sand it's disgusting especially if you're not flexible what this woman okay but take it back here

take it back here for a second But alcohol, inclement weather, not too bright, midnight sex on the beach. This is almost indistinguishable from the opening scene of Jaws. This woman is seeking a man to murder. Isn't the shark? She doesn't want, she doesn't want to be. Is it the shark who has placed this personal? Maybe.

Yeah. Maybe. What if we're killing the man as bait for Jaws? Yeah. And the purpose of the rain is to wash away. not only evidence, but also sand out of butt cracks. Jason Kirk, I like where your head's at. Sand out of all your major crevices and back to the earth from whence it came.

So here, continue, please continue with me. And, you know, Rupert Holmes even plants a little irony in here, talking about how he didn't think about his lady when he was reading the personal ads. He goes, I know that sounds kind of mean. Dude, she is plotting to murder you. You know, she writes an untraceable personal ad in the paper. And she says, you know, I want a drunk man who's not too bright and can't eat. easily slip out of restraints to meet me on a deserted beach at midnight.

And he writes back, making himself the perfect target because he says, man, by the way, just as a line, I'm into champagne. It's such a beautiful personal statement. Let's all try to be more like Rupert in this one respect only. And that's why she says when he walks in the bar and she says, oh, it's you. It's going to be way too hard for her to kill this guy. They've been together long enough to call it to a rut. her friends and family know that she's been with this guy forever she's going to be suspect

number one in his disappearance i firmly believe by the way that she's going to do it i'd like she can stick this out okay also i'm party to ryan's idea that the shark took out this ad yes is the shark yeah or is she like the shark's apprentice like a magician's assistant the sharks are they in love is it like some shark vampire thing where they're like I will turn you into a shark if you serve me right she turns she turns into a shark at midnight hence like a selky but with sharkarilla

okay finderella yeah there we go that's all for midnight that's why she has to be on the beach fuck I want to see this nicholas cage movie he's caught through all this red tape yeah i'll make love to a shark i'll do it man so like i was saying the acc schedule the acc schedule what excitement that we have this okay there's actually two interesting pieces of conference news the first is is mildly interesting the acc is going to a three five five structure where they play three primary opponents annually and then they face the other 10 teams

twice during the four-year cycle once at home, once on the road. So everybody kind of gets to play everybody, which in contrast to like the current SEC setup where I think Florida's supposed to play somebody in 12 years, right? Like if you're not a permanent SEC West rival, then we'll probably play Oklahoma when I retire, right?

Which is in two years, so it's really not that long. but they've changed up we're no longer atlantic and coastal which is good because in eliminating the atlantic and coastal divisions i can stop trying to remember who's in what i think there's a risk because i think if we all sat here we would realize we would admit sooner or later that none of us know who's in these divisions on the first try i'm not sure this is worth losing i love i love the ac c coastal The ACC Coastal has provided me with more entertainment as a division than any other individual division of college football has in my lifetime. Now, is this because every couple of years

they get in a tangle where the whole division goes four and four? Yes. Yes. Yes. This absolutely is a shout out to Ralph Russo of the Associated Press, who has tracked this enthusiastically, as have we for many years. But is this really, is a world where we can't watch the Coastal go four and four every year. Is this what we want college football to be? I choose to believe that instead it's all coastal now. Like I choose to believe it will be a whole division. Yeah, I think Spencer is right. Spencer was right when he said the whole conference is now coastal. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, erosion is going to make sure of that, my guy. Mm-hmm. Some of you are about to be super coastal and maybe a few of you Atlantic actually. Fresh beachfront real estate. Cape Hatteras is still going to be

there, Holly. You can still make love in those dunes. Because of the shark? Yeah, because the... I'm stuck on the shark. You're stuck on the shark. You know who else is stuck on the shark? Go Gators.

Robert. Superber, what do you think of the three primary opponents that, like, what do you think of the distribution overall? having not had a lot of time to absorb it but as the most ACC person here Clemson got a really sweet deal Florida State NC State Georgia Tech those are their

three actual rivals like they tried to make one between them in Boston College but it's not real Kippley that didn't work yeah Boston College got a really good pull because it all three of theirs are Big East teams right yeah yeah Duke got a really good pull

because they got all North Carolina. They got all the other North Carolina schools. Wake Forest got absolutely owes. It sounds like you're very much viewing it from the point of like retaining rivalries. Yeah. Like like prox, like historical rivalries. That being said, Wake Forest NC State is the second longest continuously played rivalry.

And that's going away. Like that is happening this year. And then that will, that will, that streak will end because Wake Forest got Duke, right? And that's it. Yeah, every podcast is somebody's first podcast, so we want to inform our new listeners that this might throw you because he sounds like a normal human being, but Serber is actually a Clemson fan. So we're going to rely on him a lot today for his wisdom and expertise.

So I can actually activate him like a Manchurian candidate here, like a sleeper cell. Hey, we can get baptized. Yeah, no, if I pretend this, if I say this to Serber, hi, I'm Davo Swinney. Has the press court got any questions? And he's just going to throw me a softball. He's just going to like, you know, hey, you're looking handsome today. Dabba, what do you think of the team this summer? I think they're going to be great.

Your pores look smaller? Coach, talk about Talk about greatness and what it takes to achieve it. First, got to be with God. Got to be, got to pray. Got to go there. I can say that now. I can say that all I want, y'all.

You'll have to sit here and listen to me. Oh, boy. And give me a raise, damn it. It's a new spring for all of us. Coach, can you late to send a word of prayer? This press conference. Coach, can you need to send a word of prayer for your finances? I'd like to reference Ezekiel 7.

I think that's something about burning Israel to the ground or something. I'm not sure. Hey, that's a really good guess. Coach, can you lead to send a prayer that they'll get rid of all this NIL business? Yeah, please. They'll be led to get rid of all this NIL business. The other piece of news that I had, which... Are we done with ACC scheduling?

Oh, yeah. God. Okay. The other one I had is this. Hold up. Hold up. Wait. Oh, should.

I said, thank God close to dabbo. What is the other piece of news? So, very briefly, I would like to note that the Big 12, it's actually a two-part question on my part. One, does the Big 12 still exist? Yes. Yes, they still exist. Okay. And it's bigger than before.

Mm-hmm. And they have a new commissioner. And yes, they have a new commissioner. I'm not doing a bit. I really miss this. This is from Brett McBerphy. Can we get to this in a minute? Yeah.

We can't. It's from Brett. It can wait. Okay. One thing I wanted to note about the ACC scheduling. So like the long time conspiracy theory among ACC fans is that the conference favors teams in and around the tobacco. road area, tobacco road mafia. It's similar to the SEC fans' assumption that Bama is good because Birmingham likes

the Crimson Tide. Birmingham wills it so. That is the only reason Nick Sabin has owned your conference for the last 15 years. The Titan will of Birmingham, unquestioned in all things. The power of the Vulcan statues, butchie. The Pittsburgh of the South. The undeniable machine that is Birmingham. So I just want to note the new ACC schedule setup.

I went back and ranked the graded these schedules based on the last 20 years of SRS ratings. I'm trying to find strength of schedule difficulty. The easiest schedule in the conference going forward, UNC, which pulls Duke, NC State, and Virginia. Not a historical power in sight. The second easiest schedule in the conference, well, we're not. traveling far because Duke gets to enjoy UNC, NC State, Wake Forest. And if Wake Forest is the best program in your bunch, you got an easy schedule. Virginia Tech is next, and then again, North Carolina proximity, Wake is next.

So yeah, the NC State is right in the middle. So all of North Carolina teams are on the easier side of the setup, probably because I'll get to play each other. and Duke and UNC are the two easiest. Georgia Tech has the hardest time. Their only ACC rival is Clemson, and they have to play Clemson. That sucks. They also have to play Louisville, and their easy team is Wake, which has been better than

them for like two or three years. Fortunately, they're well set up to weather this. Yeah, and they get to play Georgia. So things are going to be really great. Hey, Jason, quick question. This is on topic, I promise. Could you remind us again what, I mean, does Georgia Tech get any kind of a reprieve in the non-conference schedule this year? This year?

I haven't looked at this year. So this year they don't. Interesting. Could you read that schedule? This year they play Western Carolina and Ole Miss at home. They go to UCF and they play Georgia, as they always do. What? When this schedule.

This fucking idiots. Not to mention that the opening game. is at the Benz against Clemson so they don't so they've given away that home game to a probably 80% Clemson here are we talked about this before I think that's actually a better move than getting

embarrassed by Clemson fans oraging out your own stadium yeah potentially yeah like I think I think playing at the Benz might actually be less embarrassing than taking that home game so when this ACC schedule kicks in in 2023 here are

some of the non-conference teams Georgia Tech has signed up to. They have to return the old Miss game. They have to play that one in Mississippi. The year after that, they have to play Notre Dame. Please keep in mind, Georgia. Georgia is already a guaranteed in all of this. They have signed a home and home with Colorado. Then they have to finish the Notre Dame game is a four game setup. It's spread out over several years. Sandwiched in between two of those is a home and home with Alabama. Smart. Anyway, yeah, that's, that's the one I was, I thought I had remembered. Anyway, so they're going to be like several years, there's going to be like a four-year stretch where Georgia Tech has to play Georgia, Clemson, Louisville, and either Notre Dame or Alabama.

On top of like the rest of the ACC, like, they'll probably have like a Miami or Florida State thrown in there. Maybe Virginia Tech is, who knows? like they were college football's kinkiest team just craving pain dole it out daddy anyway Jason Jason please go on I just wanted to I wanted to highlight in particular the choice of the Alabama home and home as a no that's I think the two main things are like the tobacco road teams have it easiest and Georgia Tech stop playing Georgia that's that's one thing you could do just quit that you don't you what in the world do you have to gain from it now the teams

that take over Bobby Dodd Stadium, Georgia is like, like Georgia fans have tech season tickets just to fill up that stadium. They do not buy them from anyone. They already owned them. Stop playing Georgia. To be fair. It's bad for you. Don't do that. To be fair, recent experience in Georgia Tech suggests that it really doesn't matter who you schedule out of conference because you lost the Citadel and you lost the Temple 24 to 2. That's the thing that happened. And you did it, Georgia Tech. Everyone saw.

Everyone saw. Well, not that many people saw. Got it. Everyone can see it. Everyone has the option to become the way of it. And they choose not to. I'll just say that we're all actually running the option on Georgia Tech now, which is changing the channel. They really don't like that, that word option.

I think honestly, I would feel bad for your Georgia Tech, but you have abandoned the flex bone and this is what you deserve. I agree. It's kind of true. Yeah, you defied. the triple option god you have forgotten your roots and the old gods have come down from the mountain home it took you to two orange bowls let's see how long until you're back all right has has the acc said how the the Notre Dame thing reminded me of this how their deal with Notre Dame will play into all of this I think it'll just be the same I think okay

like they're just they're just a non-con for uh barnstorming their way around whatever part of the country this is I I do think it would have been funny if They had just said, like, Boston College, Notre Dame's a permanent opponent now. Sorry, have fun. I find the non-conference designation of that weirdly charming. Yeah. Like, no-uh. Day Walker.

Yeah, it's so stupidly college football. Yeah, I find it weird. I've come around on it, and I find it weirdly adorable now. His mother was bitten by the ACC while she was pregnant with him. Honestly, we have on a neep tide. Beneath a new moon. Now that Brian Kelly has been recruited. replaced by a much younger and much less a scandal-plagued person, I'm like, I don't really

hate Notre Dame. I think that, I mean, this is funny. We can change that. We'll work on that. We'll indoctrinate you. I mean, in the 90s, I hated Notre Dame because all they talked about was Notre Dame and how good Notre Dame was. Fortunately, Notre Dame hasn't been good in a really long time, so I don't give a shit about all that ancient propaganda because like all the, all the, like, we're in, like, we grew up treated Notre Dame like they're the fucking Yankees or something. But now they're just this team that plays on NBC, plays a few ACC teams, shows up in the playoff every three or four years, and we all get to enjoy them losing 35 to 6. They don't bother me. They don't offend me in any way. I don't, like, Notre Dame is hilarious and no longer employ.

They're landlords waiting to happen. You've got to stay Maoist-level revolutionary with this. You're like, all it takes is for me not looking for a second. I have to keep the cultural revolution going forever against Notre Dame. I'm going to kick them into a river forever. They're bad at everything. Spencer, you used to be on the other side of this debate. Remember when, because we've had a version of this conversation before about how, you know, because they, well, at least when we started this conversation, they used to hang around longer than players. But how heavily, like, a coach's personality will imprint on a program. Like, you know, his career arc has done what it's done since.

But the only reason that we have found Texas A&M so entertaining and their fans so adorable besides our friends at Good Bull Hunting is Kevin, Summling came in. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And, you know, via Kevin Summell, we met all our friends at GBAH. And now not even Jimbo can entirely shake loose our affection for the Aggies, but you used to be on the other side of this debate. And you're just not because it's Notre Dame. That's correct. And you're anti-Catholic. The hell? Hey, he just doesn't want another papist president. And you know what? You're hearing. Hey, you know what? That's not a bad idea right now. Which Pope? The one in Kansas. The Pope in Kansas. The in Kansas.

The secret pope. There is a pope in Kansas who will accept your friend request on Facebook. Derek Pope. I hope that Marcus Freeman goes like 11 and 1 has a great season and then takes the bear's job or something. I don't know. Like I hope he leaves. That to me is an ideal thing.

Why would you wish the bear's job on what seems to be a very nice man? Yeah, we just said we like this guy. Come on. That's true. I hope you get a good professional football job. There we go. And then. then somebody else

and then Notre Dame does something like Higher Urban Meyer. What? Okay, quick question. Put quality of life on the X-axis and, you know, likelihood that the job itself won't make you actually miserable.

Are there any NFL jobs you would want to take, regardless of whether they're open? Like Seattle? Ignoring money and stuff? No, not Seattle. No. No.

Like, are there any NFL jobs that you would, would say, you know, I want to live there and I want to be a part of this program. Are there any teams where you could check both those boxes? I can't think of one. I got to be honest, based on what he's done and not done there, Matt Rule makes the Panthers job seem super chill. Like not a lot of, not a lot of stress.

You don't even need a quarterback. You can just, you know, keep signing guys. Also, I think at this particular moment of time. Jimmy Claus and Mike still be there. You can't be too careful. At this particular moment in time, unfortunately, if you were the Texas. head coach you'd just be like please say something

say something what are you going to do for going you know fire me for going one and 16 with three players on the roster yeah yeah I mean I would take the Chargers job I can't imagine all of us have to coach the Chargers eventually but like who in San Diego oh wait they moved 6C

exactly no one cares about the Chargers you're fine oh fuck I forgot about that they can they can barely fill up the stadium that I once stood in for like I forget what it was. It was a fucking politics conference or something.

It was like the... I don't remember what it was. It was like some celebrity game or something. They can't even fill up that thing. It's like the second tier soccer stadium. Coach the Chargers and no one will know. The Legion field of the NFL. It was trash.

Yeah. Have none of us coached the Chargers yet? I feel like we're due just for like law of averages. I might have in 1997, but I was doing a lot of drugs. So, if it's iffy so we're the charges can i play a mean game with you spencer um i do have yes but i have this is not the game we're thinking about but please go ahead oh okay okay okay go ahead you can play this

the most dangerous game i'm going to go through nutter dame schedule and i want you to tell me which team you're going to root for in that game okay i'm ready to play this mean game i'm ready by the way i'm ready to show you exactly how cutthroat i am okay that's fine anti-catholic uh notre dame opens noturday noturday i was I know. That is the most anti-Cathlet thing. That's the number one way you become anti-Catholic. I figure you, it's like people who get divorced after 40 years.

I figure you know what you're doing. No, no, no. You hate everyone. I told you. That's the end result. If you're Catholic in the South, you hate everyone. Until you're anti-Catholic. This is how every denomination works, by the way.

Yes. All right. Notre Dame opens the year at Ohio State. Who are you rooting for? Oh, shit. That is a stiff start. Oh, that's upsetting. But you know what?

It's a shot of cod liver oil in the morning for this frontier pioneer. That's how I get through a day in the mines. I take it. I'm rooting for the bucks. Okay. Pooping right in the cooler. Yeah, bro, I'm getting up. I'm taking all the pre-workout.

I go bucks all day. Okay, I think we can get through the next four relatively in a sweatshirt in August. Marshall at Notre Dame. Go heard. Cal at Notre Dame. Oh, easy. Easy. Go pairs, baby.

Notre Dame at UNC. Oh, go heels. Let's do it. Fuck. Yeah, Team Felder. Notre Dame at BYU. Felders not rooting for U.N.C. Sh, someone has to.

Notre Dame at BYU. That's also like Notre Dame at BYU. Oh, God. Brother, I have good news for you. All right. Stanford at Notre Dame. Oh. Oh, I am standing with the West Coast elites all day.

The free market will decide that Stanford is superior. UNLV at Notre Dame. Oh, yeah. Come on. Again, again, the free market will decide. Ryan, I could make this meaner. See if he can name the current coach of all these teams.

The free market and a four-hour abduction and intimidation session in the desert will lead to a UNLV victory. Notre Dame at Syracuse. Syracuse, come on. Hey, do you don't have a really good journalism program there? Yeah, go Syracuse. Clemson at Notre Dame. Oh, Surve. baby we are partying so hard you can't use him as an excuse yeah no no i'm getting like no shirt

orange overalls i'm there you don't handle jack i'm good they can't take our thing oh no they do that oh yeah yeah notre name at navy oh and go against my country and go against the and go against the international boat police please this is a cop this is essentially a cop versus cop and as we've already established on the full cast, the Marines go to the Naval Academy and we are a pro-marine podcast, so I have to root for the Navy. If you say so. We're like an

alongside Marines podcast. We appreciate it. I think we we're pro off-duty Marines. Yeah. Pro off-duty Marines, yes. Timpered Fye. You know, the Marines are on the show a lot. That doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't mean just.

We support Marines' content. Yes, yes, Boston College at Notre Dame You know Spencer, I think you could You could pull off Jesuit Yeah, I'm definitely like Again, I think I lean Jesuitical So yeah, I'll be seen

You don't, but it is the best form of course Well, like guy who just like thinks about space a lot That could be a Jesuit, yeah Jesuits love space Last one Is your last chance to root for Notre Dame. Notre Dame at U.S.C. Oh,

bro. Brian, he's too fucking stubborn. He's not going to put a lot of this. I know. What's he decided to root for the bucks? You know, once you see what it's like in the lay, you're just going to like, you're never going back. Why don't we? I mean, what about Notre Dame Shirley play

Florida State soon? I don't have to entertain that possibility. When does it happen next? In fact. But if I did, if I did have to make that choice, I would hope for a Florida State victory because that is a public v. private school, and I will always read for the public school. Class war forever.

Florida State doesn't play Notre Dame until 2024. So you got, you got time to. You got exactly that long to think on your sins. You got that long to convince yourself you actually believe that. No, I don't believe it, but I am going to say it with my mouth and the part. in my mind. Jason, where did we leave you in your... No, we're good.

Okay. We're good. I like that Jason derailed our nonsense with actual football content. I have... I have... I've got one last note, by the way, here. Tobacco wrote the conspiracy theorist. You are 100% correct because it has only been a matter of like, what, two years.

And Mac Brown is already in the walls with UNC getting the easiest draw. Ladies and gentlemen? Already. I already did it. I made friends with everyone. I shook hands. I kissed babies. I said, I like basketball, even though that's the goddamn life.

And I went in there and I made sure that the UNC Tar Heels got themselves the easiest draw so that we can do more winning here in Chapel Hill. I swaddled all them babies in my puffy coat. That's what I did. I took young babies in range rovers to the golf course, and I showed them the glories of ACCC life. They wanted us to play Clemson, but I told them that basketball is so important. We should have to play Duke. instead. I'm a team player.

Now everyone's going to be much more mad when I go eight and four. All right. Should we play a little, where are they now? Would you like to play a game? This is kind of a version of a game we've played in the past where we try to remember which

coaches are where. This is not strictly limited to coaches who have moved in the last year or two years. I have gone a little bit more open with it and we're just gonna i'm just gonna rotate according to my zoom screen and just ask you each a question and we'll see how you do so holly wait right i'm not i'm not aware of the game because i was away when we were planning this episode what's happening here all i'm going to do is ask you a question

about coaches that are no longer at the place where you formerly associate with them and and okay the questions are all the multiple choice i'm so bad at this there's i think i think we're all going to do bad. Yeah, everybody's going to do bad. So, Holly, you're going to get to go first. Fuck, yeah. Jason and Spencer, if she doesn't get it, you can try to steal it. I'm not keeping points.

We're not organized for that. This is just for ridicule. All right. Holly? Sir. Central Michigan has coordinators who are both head coaches from the same program, former head coaches from the same program. What program is it?

you start me out with central michigan's coordinator yep we're going hard on the day my daughter is to be married in stardew valley and you ask me about central michigan's coordinators yep yep um fuck me sideways i was proud enough that i know who the head coach is um auburn oh that's a good guess uh it's idaho sure Wait, is there a Pellini there? No, there's a Patrino. There's a Patrino. Is it Patrino?

The day I stopped mixing up Carl Polini and Paul Petrino has yet to come. Is it Paul and Rob Akey? It is. Rob Akeke alive? Yeah, Rob Ake is live and I don't know. Look at Spencer knowing something. No, listen, look at a picture of Rob Eke. He's looked like that for 30 years, which is it's impossible to guess his age.

All right. Jason, you're next. Wow. You're getting the flip version of this question. Wow. Joker Phillips and Ruffin McNeil are both working for the same school. Which school is it? Oklahoma.

Incorrect. Does anybody else want to jump in here? Holly? Are they back at Miami? No. That would be funny. So, again, Ruffin and... Ruffin and Joker.

Ooh. Which, first of all, amazing radio show name. What a poll. Are they at Houston? No. Serber, do you know this one? No, I have no idea. NC State.

They're an NC state. Wouldn't have gotten that in a million years. What are they up to there? Hashtag come play for the Wolfpack. Joker is, I believe, the wide receivers coach, and I think he has either an assistant head coach or an associate head coach title to go with that. Ruffin, if memory serves, has one of those, like,

special assistant to the, you know, one of those where it's like, maybe I do stuff, maybe I don't unclear. Like the Steve Spurrier or. job at Florida more. I wonder if I wonder if Ruffin is on some kind of North Carolina state pension deal based on his previous

stops in which case congratulations to him. That's smart. If you know pension quest If you know ECU fans in the state of North Carolina this is just them saying they took him from us too damn it. Oh, y'all know how I

feel about that particular coaching transaction. Yeah, that wasn't great. You deserved. All right. Spencer. Yes. Miami has two former SEC head coaches as their co-defensive coordinators. Who are they? Oh, man.

Yeah, this is a complete blank, so I'm going to make two educated, semi-educated guesses. I'm going to give you a little help here. Please. SEC head coach has a heavy asterisk applied to it. but both of these men have claimed that title so they so one of them's brady hoke so so they so they coached at uh swani yes that's right yeah two lane two lane yeah endlessly i know where brady hooke is don't at me yeah um you know what i i've gone completely blank right now who are they does anybody else want to try what what is it again

Miami has Miami has two co-defensive coordinators they are both former SEC head coaches with a heavy asterisk. I will tell you this. Their combined record as head coaches in the SEC is O.N. 2. So interims. Okay. Okay. Gosh, that could be anyone.

It is an expansive list. Brady Hoke isn't, if he didn't already have a job, Brady Hoke would not be a bad guy. He coached too many games to be O&2. Yeah, I know. That was the problem. There's too many of them. Isn't it?

Just got to stop an old inside trap. Chokine? Oh, wait, wait a second. it's not so kind but that'd be awesome i'm suddenly becoming alarmed again in a jaws sense that i don't know where todd grantham is right now it's not todd grantham no i know because but i'm i'm suddenly alarmed that i can't name his job right now off the top of my head and that means he could be at my school you can't be too careful god that'd be funny if it was randy shannon it's not but it's funny it's charlie strong and kevin steel how did kevin steel fall down that far that guy's everywhere

Yeah. Is he running out some, is he still working out some kind of buyout money? He's going to be the head coach in four weeks. I mean, I'm not saying that Charlie doesn't deserve a better job than that, but wasn't Kevin Steele, like, never mind. I think this is a fine job for them. I assume that he's taking it because he's still taking money from Auburn, which is funny. I like this setup because in this case, Charlie Strong has somebody to point to right away. Be like, it's absolutely Kevin's fault.

And Kevin will receive that pointing And somehow parlay it Into like the oh shit South Carolina head coached Also in the opposite of our In the opposite of our favorite Both these cops are loose cannons Both of these are the buy the book cops

So I can just see them asking the other one Constantly to surrender their badge and gun You're a loose cannon No you're a loose cannon Kevin's deal would put it in a safe There we go There it is uh holly kids ask your parents

holly auburn's coordinators last year were mike bobo and derrick mason where are they now looking around just to make sure mike bobo and derrick mason i'm going to say derrick mason has gone to alabama as an analyst that is incorrect Mike Bobo is at Texas I know these two

I'm ready to steal Spencer go for it Derek Mason's at Oklahoma State Correct Oh shit I did know that Yep And Mike Bobo is part of Get the gang back together at Georgia

Wait Do you know how dumb Do you know how empty my brain is I think we actually talked about How bad we felt For like things didn't go bad enough For Derek Mason at Vanderbilt That now he has to work for Mike Gundy

Yep. Yeah. Can we pass a hat or something and get him a year off in the Bahamas? It is entirely possible that I'm making this up, but I believe he took a pay cut to take the Oklahoma City. No, he did because we talked about this on the show. I remember this. He did. He wanted out of there that bad.

Good. Okay. Let's see. Jason, I'm going to give you a complicated one. This is a multi-ball. Oh, good, because Central Michigan's court. I'm mad at you, Ryan. We're in a fight.

That's fair. We're fighting. This is a multi-ball question. So I'm going to give you five names. Wow. And we're going to start working through them piece by piece. So I need you to keep these names in mind. Jim Elmora.

A name always in mind, yes, thank you. Ted Roof. Okay. Holy shit. I feel old. Oh, God. Derek Dooley. Mm-hmm.

Larry Fedora. Wow. Steve Adazio. I know the five minutes. Is this the USFL? Hold on. I know. Here, you have presupposed.

my first question. One of these five coaches is not currently in college football. Who is it? So, Fedora. Correct. Larry Fedora is the head coach of the New Orleans Breakers in the USFL. Of the remaining four, Mora, Roof, Dooley, Adazio. One of them is not at a Power 5 school. Which one is it? Mora. Where is he? Yukon. That is correct. Of the remaining three. We're down to Roof, Dooley, and Adazio. Grim!

One of them... Good Lord. One of these is not in the SEC right now. Which one is it? Oh, God. This is a trick question. Why? Let's hear Holly out.

This might be helpful. What's the trick? Because Ted Roof is at Oklahoma. I said right now. Okay. Yes. Yes. I will say, yes.

Okay. All right. So... I agree. I agree with that. We're waiting. You have to... Listen, you have to...

whittled this down one more because I have to reveal whose precious boy has finally gone back to school. Okay. So Holly already knows this one then. Of the remaining two, Derek Dooley and Steve Adazio, which one is an analyst at Alabama? I'm guessing that's Dooley. That is correct. Do you not now? Does anybody know where Steve Adazio is? Is he at Fresno State? Is he at Fresno State? That wasn't that the game he walked off during? Kind of. Geographically, he's kind of at Fresno State. I was going to say, slowly tunneling under the Rockies. I want to be clear, I don't know why I know this, but didn't he catch on at A&M?

He is. He's the, he's the O-Line coach at A&M. Because that's the personality you want in the room with Jimbo. I like that Spencer has suggested that Steve Adagio is a Goron now. Yeah. He is. Time to get fire arrows. I love eating rocks.

What's better than being dudes? What's up, little dude? Is the thing that Goran say. That is. His strengths would actually render beautifully in Breath of the Wild. Think about it. I would argue he has more of a Nintendo 64 body. He might be an ocarino-time render.

That motherfucker is a little, he's a little too polygonal. Now try to picture Steve Adazio curling into a ball and rolling around him out. I do all the time, actually. While none of his players look at him. If you walked in on him and he was just each and a piece of metamorphic rock. you wouldn't flinch to say that's his lunch whoa this is hot little guy

watch me do my dance uh all right this is my last question uh Ryan before you say that if I was in that lifeboat of coaches that you said I would just strangle myself like if that's it like well who we got I'm like yeah I'm out I'm out that is

I would bruise some crew right there one thing I would like to add to that Ted Roof is one of three defensive coordinators at Oklahoma. If you have three defensive coordinators. Based on the last 10 years, I think that is the right number of defense. Apply more

defensive coordinator. It takes that many to... That's not counting Brent Fennell. So four. Four. I don't know if that's enough. I was going to say when you bring in a head coach from one side of the ball, you obviously want to shore up the other side of the ball, right, Brent?

We go have Oklahoma out here It's winning games like 10 to 6 What happened to Oklahoma Flash poll Four of you Would you rather have three defensive coordinators Or Mike Stoops back in the booth? Three I don't care who those three are

I do not care Three or one Mike Stoops I think I want Mike Stoops Because then I know where to focus my anger I like having three defensive coordinators because this can be just a way to get your guys more money. Well, one of them is actually the defensive line coach. One of them is actually the linebacker's coach.

I hope it becomes like the Chene's tweet where every year it's like five defensive coordinators. Now it's eight and twelve, now like several players are the defensive coordinator as well. After Oklahoma's used to giving up like 55 points to Baylor and TCU and such and now they got to play Alabama, yeah, you're going to need some more defensive coordinators. See, Bama and Georgia think the way to do that. This is to just keep add an analyst. Oklahoma's figured out we're just going to go multi-corporonating.

NCAA is like, you know you can only have 10 coaches right, and they're like, we don't believe you have jurisdiction out here. We have divided the coordinator job into 100, and therefore we only have one. That's how scholarships work in FCS. That's forward-thinking, OU. I'm just picturing the little tiny schoolboy desk they parked Mike Stoops at when they moved him upstairs.

You remember because every time he got mad, which was all the time, he would jump up and bang his knees on it and then get madder. And now all three of them are just crammed together in this little Victorian wrought iron table and attached chair, just furiously typing on their little iPads. In a triangular fart standoff. Bunking into each other. Oh, God. Headphone cords tangling. Oh, yeah.

They got themselves a veritable pollip bureau up on that dais. They're going to have like 12 guys in uniforms looking down sternly as the defense parades past. It took me a second, but following Ryan's fart tracts. I thought you said Polyp Bureau. Polip Bureau. That's, wow. Salute commissar tumor.

Spencer, you get the last question. Which former Miami head coach is the defensive coordinator at Notre Dame? Al Golden, Randy Shannon, or Butch Davis. Well, it ain't Butch Davis.

Butch Davis is 7,000 years old. That's another one. You can't be too careful about... But Catholics like that kind of thing. that's how old the earth is we're going to steal his pinky and call it a relic if you had white davis is out here burying dinosaur bones

based on the number of relics around the country butch davis must have had 30 toes we doubt we doubt the legitimacy of this butch davis relic hang on I just looked where Todd Grantham actually is

where is oh hold on real quick Where's, I don't know. Where's Todd Grantham? It's the easiest possible guess. He is back at Alabama as an analyst. Oh, that's cute. That's fun.

Oh, no. Also, his first name is Jeffrey. I need to shred some documents. Feed it to the Todd. Gn, gung, gna, gna, gna, gna, gna, no. All right, Spencer, which former Miami head coach is the defensive coordinator? Hang on, Alabama might be the safest place for him, because that's the one place in the country where you're guaranteed that he'll never call plays.

is maybe doing a public service here i'm going to go i'm going to go with al golden that is correct wow has triumphantly returned do you know where randy shannon is right now right behind me he's the defensive coordinator at florida state that's why i said yeah no like like that was one of those things that like i had in terms of knowing i was at the second stage of brain is deleting but still has a vague memory that this happened. So Randy Shannon has completed the big three circuit. Yes, that is correct. Next he'll become the provost at UCF, I believe.

You should get an award for that, but also... Several blood work. You'll need a lot of blood work. If you've coached at Florida State, Florida, Miami. You should be examined for exotic algies and parasites. if you spent that much time in the state of Florida coaching football outdoors. God, eating so much mall pizza.

That's probably like root one if you go, what's wrong with the state of Florida? You go, they've eaten far too much mall pizza. Hang on. I'm eating far too like pizza and I have to look up Dan Mullen. There's always like regional pizza debates and so forth. New York pizza versus Chicago pizza and on and on and on and on. Should it be like required that every state have their own definitive pizza?

yes oh you don't know nothing about you don't know nothing about florida style pizza like i only know what that would be we already know where the bottom is missouri pizza already exists which what kind is that that's the kind where they put that like fucking plastic cheese on top and it's like a cracker yeah huh is that the same as st louis or is they or is there like a rural missouri type i don't know listeners sound off in the comments uh call in 704 s o l cast hail to raw the sun god give us your recipe for ozark's pizza please oh no there was one hang on there was one that was in the news this this week did you guys see ala tuna pizza what god of alituna pennsylvania no we've got a sub-regional pizza special that's too specific that's too

specific although pennsylvania is three states so i guess that's fair yeah if it's not allentown pizza i ain't eaten it like i'm good like if you said there's a Pittsburgh style of pizza I'm like hell yeah brother it's the crust the crust is french fries that's there's no tomato sauce around it well the only tomato sauce we fuck with is mustard that's not a tomato it is now I could order from Pizza Hut but I'd rather the Shamokin pizza get it with some of that cold coffee Florida pizza has to be eaten in a hotel room that you didn't plan to stay in I think that's rule number one.

Yeah. It's like slid under a door. And also has to be eaten on Thanksgiving. That's the other tradition. Indiana pizza or Ohio pizzas when they take it and they smash it cheese down. Like they smash it upside down. Upside down pizza. All right.

I'm putting Altoona pizza in the chat. You're scraping it out of the box. I'm going to let y'all look at this one at a time. No, that's the way to do it. Holy shit. What is this? Oh, that is wrong. I will describe it to the listener.

If you took a Detroit-style square pizza, beefed up the crust even a little bit more, then took that square pizza and covered the top. Instead of using mozzarella, you would use slices. And the plastic skin is intact. You can see. Slic, basic-ass American cheese. I mean, like a tick-tac-toe board.

of this ghoulish, neon yellow, dairy-ish substrate. Is it American cheese slices, or is it just like nacho cheese? That's American. That looks like American because you can see that little plastic skin is on the individual slices. You got to keep that intact to have true al-Tuna pizza. This looks like, this shit looks like if a bunch of grade schoolers went to the cafeteria people and they were like, we can make a better pizza and the cat of two people are like, okay, prove it.

And they're like, oh shit, well, we got American cheese. No, I know exactly what this is because I know from personal experience, this is single dad pizza. I've seen my dad literally make this in our house when I was growing up, except that actually has a crust, which is commendable. He would take marita white, old-fashioned bread,

ketchup, American cheese, and like the Hormel pepperonies and put them in the toaster oven and he was like, it's my pizza, I'm having a little pizza. It's dad's pizza. I refused to eat this for my own honor. Server, you remember how we figured out

we're cousins way back? Yeah. This is my mother's favorite snack when she was growing up. There was some kind of like Saturday night horror movie on TV and she would make pizza with, she made hers with ketchup,

but the white bread pizza with little pepperonies on it and she would watch horror movies. and then wake up having terrible screaming nightmares and not know what. Yeah, well, there you go. I blame the pizza. This is a grandma slice

if your grandma is Mrs. Doubtfire. Dang. Yeah, so we've got that. Go ahead. Sorry, I brought the whole vibe down. I know. God, this should be amusing. It's just sad.

It just makes me hurt. Wait, wait, wait. There's something underneath this. I thought it was sliced mushrooms. It's pickles. It's got. It's got to be pickles. That's what it looks like to me is pickles.

It's according to the, the... I thought it was mushroom sliced long ways, but pickles would be so much worse. Oh, fuck off. According to the article that Holly has linked us to, it's a slice of American cheese over salami and green peppers. What in tarnation. But they're in a pile. Yes. This is via Twitter user Jacqueline Antonovich.

The website is We AreCentralpa.com just so you can avoid. That website, if you want to. I like putting the cheese on top because it keeps the salami super hot. Seals it in. This pizza is apparently also referred to as Al-Tuna Sicilian. How have the Italian communities of Pennsylvania, which I understand to be robust, not beaten that description out of existence? Oh, well, Sicily is known for construction-based crime, so this is what you have right here. Maybe they prepare the salami extremely authentically, and that sort of gets them a pass on that.

I hope that's true. I hope they're like, we take, this is like 20-year age, the nicest salami in the world, and we put it under a slice of American cheese, because fuck you, that's why. You've invented some sort of a hot pocket. This is, I would argue this is more anti-counter. It's like a hot pocket tart. This is more anti-cap. Mount Edna is rumbling right now. This thing versus Notre Dame.

Did you say this is more anti-Catholic or more anti-capitalism? Yeah. This thing versus Notre Dame, who are you reading for Spence? Yeah, Al-Tuna pizza or Notre Dame? Brother, slice me up. Put it on the plate. I'm going to hold you to that. I don't believe you.

Folks, I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it. Readers. For every game Notre Dame loses this year, Spencer will eat a slice of Al-Tuna pizza. Live on a full cast after dark. Yeah, readers. Every touchdown, Notre Dame scores this season. If we ever do a live show,

anywhere outside of Pittsburgh or Philly in the state of Pennsylvania, you are invited to walk up to Spencer with one of these abominations. I hope it's somewhere completely, I hope it's like, hey, guys, we're coming to L.A., and somebody's like, like, I'll bring me out to pizza to them. We're going to fly it up there. In a cooler, like a human heart. On my lap.

You're just opening the Hellraiser box full of Pennsylvania foods that people are going to begin to pull. wasting on me right like oh look it's a scrapple smoothie you want that i bet a lot of them are great and you might get lucky with uh several of them that's why stevedazio did so well at temple oh i love this hot look at this hot food you've given my goron body orrocks more rocks is it good no but it's hot i think he did so well because he was closer to the gigantic burning town that's actually been on fire for 40 years.

Sure. Like, what's more gore on than a town that's been on fire for 40 years because it's filled with hot rocks. Whoa, it's hot. I'm going to go walk on it with no shoes on. There's a town there that's been like the Silent Hill town is real and it's in Pennsylvania. What? Is that what you're saying?

Oh. Is it bad that we responded to this with excitement? All of us, all of us talk to, this is how disinfo works, folks. All of us talk to ourselves into this being real. You know, this is Centralia. Centrelia was the town that is now effectively a ghost town. I believe they had five residents as of a couple of years ago. A coal mine fire has been burning beneath the borough since 1962.

And that's a used to cook authentic Al-Tuna pizza. You stand outside Silent Hill with a really long wooden board and you just keep shoveling American cheese in. To appease the monsters. Yeah, there's five people left in Centrelia. Five. And they're all... What are they waiting for? You know what?

Yeah, pizza. For the oven timer. Wait, waiting on shit. It's here. That's why we are. Why would we go anywhere else? Centralia was taken by Eminent Domain, but they had the creepiest thing ever happened to them.

They had their zip code discontinued. Oh, what? How terrifying is it if somebody says, what's your zip code? And they're like, I don't have one. Hey, you know how the post office has that whole neither rain nor, our city specifically. They're like, except that. That's the one that we won't fuck with, even on a nice day. You just write burning a hole in the ground and put it in an envelope and it will get to me.

Look for the plume. We stopped delivering mail there because Steve Adazio kept eating it. burning coal mine fire and Steve Adazio is like just a town being a dude guys being doomed that's what it is what's better than being doomed I did want to mention I was cut off I'm going to pick up something from 48 minutes ago I believe because I'm kind of bewildered that you remember that I'm not going to lie

I know. I know. Brett Yourmark is the new commissioner of the Big 12. This is the thing it was important to come back to? Yeah, what? I'm about to tell you why. Okay. All right. Brett Your Mark is replacing Bob Bolesby as commissioner of the,

yes, still alive and thriving Big 12, aka Houston and a bunch of jobbers. Hear me out. That's got to be a low-stress job to walk into you because you cannot be a more cartoonish fuck up at it than Bob Bullsby. Cincinnati disrespect. God damn. I will, again,

I will disrespect Cincinnati heavily and frequently on this podcast. Jane Kosen listens to this show, and she's stronger than you. That's fine. They need to, if they want respect, they will invent their own kind of pizza.

And we have seen the horrors they can wreak on other dishes, so do your worst. That is true. I am not seeing a result for Cincinnati-style pizza. Yet. Yet.

It's waiting. It's lurking. Action cookbook. We call on you. Unleashed your horrors. Rise from your grave. Summon me. Altered yeast.

My Cincinnati pizza restaurant. Okay. Okay. Here we go. But under related searches for Cincinnati pizza, the top result is Pizza Hut. That's right. And the third result is who sells the most pizza next to an icon of Pizza Hut.

Like, that's what you're looking for if you want pizza in Cincinnati. who sells the most because that's probably the best. Who has the biggest stores of pizza? Maybe their instincts there are just to go hut first. You got to go to Chris Collins where it's pizza hut. If it's sold out of a hut, it's got to be good. That's the good one, the one owned by Chris Collins.

Bruce Coslet's Pizza Hut isn't that good anymore. To be honest, it was never that good. I don't trust a pizza unless it came from some, you know, unless it was prepared beneath a dean. warding roof A lot of Catholics in Cincinnati Who I support Steve Adazio can't climb that roof

Just keeps falling off Too heavy He's hanging upside down Trying to get his leg around Just rolling off over and over and over again I heard there's hot stuff up there I saw smoke I gotta get it

need eat hot rock he's like stacking cars up and trying to climb them he's like a salamander god that'd be such good flex if like the mythical salamander yeah no like the hellbender yeah it would be a really good flex if they were like hey breath of the wild too this time it's in Cincinnati deal with the fuckers hell yes there's nothing i want more so brett your mark's job prior to taking the job of Big 12 commissioner and I will get to this come hell or high water or rocks or whatever's in that river right there it's al-tuna pizza mostly Brett your mark was the head the chief operating officer of Jay Z's agency rock nation yeah rocks rocks I brought it back around

I brought it back around. Thank you, Ryan, for reeling that back onto the road. Yeah. I like reeling it back onto the road where we discuss how a formerly employed Colorado state head coach eats rocks. Because he's a character from several Zelda games. What's better than being a rockafella? Being a fella eating rocks. You're telling me there's a whole nation made of rocks.