Shutdown Fullcast - False Flag At Monkey Beach

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

SHOW NOTES Folks it’s our international episode Among the international aspects of this college football podcast: civil awards. Beachfront monkey attacks. Baseball injuries throughout history. American-Italian football celebrations. And more ??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I know, I know. Carvana makes it so convenient to sell your car. It's just hard to let go. My car and I have been through so much together. But look, you already have a great offer from Carbana. That was fast. Well, I know my license played and vin my heart, and those questions were easy. You're almost there.

Now to just accept the offer and schedule a pickup or drop off. How'd you do it? How were you so strong in letting go of your car? Well, I already made up my mind, and Carvana's so easy. Yeah, true. And so. Go to Carvana.com to sell your car the convenient way. Welcome to the shutdown full cast.

You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. joined as always by Ryan Nanny Jason Kurt Hi Holly Anderson and on the ones that two Michael Serber and a dog

who won't shut the hell up Betty I don't know how this is going to work dog I don't know what's wrong I don't know what's up but we're going to figure it out I have a question while he's gone sure

so nighthood is still a thing You can still be whatever, like the Order of the British Empire, right? As far as I know. And I also realized in digging into this a little bit that there are plenty of knights of the British Empire who are not Brits. Like Stephen Spielberg has a knighthood for one sort of anodyne example. But the way this used to work in medieval at times was you get a knighthood. And part of that trade is when the monarch needs you to ride out to battle, you better

fucking show up, right? Like you're like a knight. Yeah. Like you are, you are an on-call warrior, more or less. And when your pager goes off, you better fucking show up, right? Okay. So my question is... Like a traveling nurse with a sword.

Does that still apply? Like, if our new old king. decides like, hey, I'm calling everybody out, everybody, you know. Does Christopher Guest have to, like, put on armor? Patrick Stewart, Bono. The 60s rock stars. That's right. That's right.

Like, do, because the other part about this is you do not have to accept the order of the British Empire. Several people have not. People have returned it. Like, it is an optional deal. So is there a world where, the British monarch says okay it is time for

Dame Helen Mirren show up with a knife we're going to war like do you think that's still on the table somewhere and if you're a celebrity what would you do if you got that call where is the axis of celebrity to like where do you draw this line

where do you plot the line of I'm too famous for this versus this is good for me. Well, when England and Ireland go to war again, Bono is a knight of England. What happened to do they're there? Correct. He goes to war with the fucking edge. Edge.

A satisfactory outcome for me. I think he's probably going to go where he pays taxes, which is Panama. Wait, Bono pays taxes? No, but he keeps his money in Panama. off. Rudy Giuliani is a knight. He's showing up, right? He's showing up because there might be money in it.

That's real. John Williams is one of the newest nights. Rudy is showing up hoping to, like, get himself into, like, a slip and fall. John William is 91, but I'm sure he could contribute to the effort. Placito Domingo. He's a knight. He's shown up, right? Just to have something to do.

It's probably fun to sing on top of a horse. Ooh, Mary Barry. Mary Barry is showing up. Mary Barry strikes me as light cavalry. I'm getting the hell out of her way because someone's dying. There's a lot of Irish knights. Well, not a lot, but I think enough to, yeah, yeah. Yeah, enough for dissension in the ranks.

I just, I feel like this is a thing that's going to eventually happen. And I'm just curious how, like, how's that work? Do you think any of them have thought about that? Because, like, there's the whole ceremony. right you get tapped on the shoulder and all that it's like it's very clear it's not like oh you know i'm not a knight it's a fucking knighthood they give you you just call yourself sir i feel like there's probably a lot of like winking about like we're not actually going to call you to war and you know the english throne tradition very trustworthy about that type of shit that's yeah i was gonna say like

very known for like always um being forthcoming and up front anyway this is this is why if offered i will reject the order of the British Empire. Just wanted to put that out there. Wait, did somebody reject it recently? We're going to hold you to that. John Oliver rejected it not too long ago. And John... That's kind of a shame because he's got great knight face.

He really does. Sure. That's the most British-looking dude I've ever seen. John Cleese has rejected it in the past, I know. Daniel Day Lewis accepted it a terrifying prospect because I know if you call on Daniel Day-Lewis to fulfill a role, He will show up 150% committed, meaning he's going to show up covered in blood already. He will have started full military training and killed someone on the way.

Yes. Keith Richards, who is still alive, by the way, also refused it. Maybe that's who the war will be between, those who accepted and those who refused. Yeah, choose your side. Mick Jagger or Keith. An age-old question. Good luck getting Keith Richards to show up at court. I know who's already got to accept.

extensive experience firing a gun and that's keith richards yeah you're probably right the american list is not as deep as you'd like it to be like like there are some actual general people on here but like ralph laurent is on this list is channing tatum on there channing taintingham is not on the list i think we should have a lot considering they're the only country or superior to yeah like we should we should just all be knights and just because just to really devalue the um what's the is the american equivalent to this can we make a crust is the american equivalent to this the kentucky general or colonel rather rather yeah i think we should start doing that i think we should just start calling famous british people and be like hey yeah um nigella lawson

you're a kentucky colonel now it's called will you defend kentucky from missouri or whatever so to defend kentucky here's a short list of the people who i believe have been Kentucky coloneled. We know it. We have a couple of readers at least that I can think that. My grandfather was a Kentucky colonel. Because of the horses? Yeah.

Can we explain a Kentucky colonel? It's like being an Eagle Scout but for Kentucky. Yeah. But do you have to do the things? Like you have to like, don't you just have to have like two other colonels be like, yeah, he's in? I apologize if I'm getting that totally wrong. All you need is a recognition of good deed, contribution to state prosperity,

community service or noteworthy action performed by an individual. In other words, it's vibes-based. It's a vibes-based award. Okay. Yeah. But Trey Anastasio, a fish, will have to defend Kentucky, but is officially rated as satisfactory by the state of Kentucky. It looks like the Kentucky thing has 350,000 inductees, so.

Yeah, not exactly. Bruce Campbell is a Kentucky colonel. they're definitely wiping the floor with the Knights of the British Empire then you're kidding me yeah we should this should be this should be next month's draft I mean RIP but James Conn was in that group meaning they're automatically tougher yeah I think my cousin Tom Tee Hall also a Kentucky Colonel George Harrison is a Kentucky Colonel now the overlap of Kentucky Colonel or OBE this is where we start to really get some fascinating people he also

turn down the OBE. Did he? But he took the Kentucky Colonel? Yes, but he took the Kentucky Colonel. 1-0. I'm sorry, that's 2-0 if you count the Revolutionary War, England. That's right. So it looks like a bunch of states have this.

Yeah, Nebraska has one. The Nebraska's one is named the best. Nebraska, triple landlocked Nebraska. Farthest place from the ocean in the United States. Is it the Corny Navy? Jason, what are they called? Very close. The Nebraska Admiral.

Yes. The formal title is this. Admiral in the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska. So Nebraska admirals include George W. Bush, Dr. Jay. Bill Gates, David Letterman. Yeah. So what do you do when you're that famous in every state is like, we declare you a great member of our state?

And you've never been there. What do you do? Like, when would Dr. J have gone in Nebraska? Did Nebraska have an ABA team? I doubt it. For, like, Creighton? Creighton's not in Nebraska, is it? Oh, my.

It's like what he have visited there for a tournament? Yeah. I don't know. Is this sort of, can they just draft you? Do you even have to show up to accept these? So it is perhaps a draft because you also have the Rhode Island Commodores, which is a similar list. Ted Turner, it feels like way too small a state for him.

to appear in. You have the Order of the Long Leaf Pine for North Carolina. This one actually does appear to be North Carolinians. I'm seeing Richard Petty, Michael Jordan. How many things do you think we can get ourselves in to? North Carolina is fucking awesome.

Yeah. I'm seeing most, and that wasn't disputing the awesomeness of North Carolina. Oh yeah, I know we are badass. It feels exclusive. I know you are not counting on me to validate the awesomeness of North Carolina. South Carolina,

Hart did that in 1998. Hootie and the Blowfish, Lou Holtz, that's who you're hanging out with. That's pretty hit or miss there, I'd say. Nightmare blunt rotation. Hootie's fine. Houdie's fine. The Sagamore of the Wabash is your Indiana version. I want that one.

It sounds mysterious. I think this one also is local specific, but David Letterman's in all of them, so who could say. And the Arkansas traveler as well seems to be one that just asked everyone. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Folks, if you know how to get us into any of these organizations, hey, we've raised enough money for Kentucky Tornado Relief over the years. We should be on the Kentucky shortlist already. So according to the Wiki, the Arkansas Traveler includes like Muhammad Ali, FDR, Garth Brooks. Huge, huge stars. And also, according to Wiki, the 2021 NJIT Highlanders baseball team of Newark, New Jersey. I assume Wiki would never lie to me.

It's unhackable. It's a lot in common with all those people. It's true. Arkansas Traveler is the one that sounds most like an urban dictionary-only sex act that doesn't really exist. Yeah. The Arkansas Traveler. I heard a friend of a cousin of a landlord of a so-and-so did the Arkansas Traveler. It's real.

They said it's disgusting. It's also a minor league baseball team, I think. Hmm, so are you, so in the event that this baseball team goes to war with England And you are both a night and a Arkansas traveler, you have to choose yep I just wish one state would be would be really like Up front about it and be like we're only taking UFC guys and dudes with lots of guns We're getting ready you're the Ohio the Ohio Admiral The Ohio Admiral you have to bring your own mobile DJ rig

Really if you're an in-and-or signature scent Admiral Rogan, we salute you. We await your command. A Florida mountaineer. Joe Rogan would be the best general to face because you could show him anything and he'd believe it. You'd be like, you've got dinosaurs. Yeah, you got Sun Tsu versus Joe Rogan.

It's a little bit of a mismatch. Sun Tzu, have you ever done DMT? You just hand him some. And then Joe would take it, and then Sun Tzu would win. Fellas, is it gay to make art out of war? We got a source on that, J.T. We got a source? No?

So we asked this before the show, but I'll just confirm it here. Spencer and Holly did not listen to last week's show whatsoever. No. And Serber, God bless him, told us that he listened to a little bit, but not that much, which, frankly, is the most sane decision you can make, listener. If you've made it this far, you've already come to do. long down the trail you've already you're already working on a double server so to that's right I can't save you no so Jason do you just want to ask them straight up what

we need them to do yeah we have a all right we have a final four we have a final four you ready okay here's your first matchup the three of you have to decide who will advance and I want to be clear we're not going to give you any context so questions are not Welcome. None of that. Appreciate it. We're going to give you exactly what we gave the listeners before the episode dropped. So you have exactly as much explanation as they did. All right.

Here are your two things to choose between, all right? Red zone turnovers versus Mariah Carey. Mariah. I will take Red Zone turnovers. Serbers split in the tie. Yeah, I'm just going to relish his power for a moment You're right, it's Mariah

Yeah Okay On the other side One of these will advance Love versus Matt Murdoch Ooh, that's a tough one I will go with

Love I see them Hampton County Murdox? Love has never been canceled by Netflix. Love. Wow, it's unanimous. All right, so Daredevil has been eliminated, as has Red Zone turnovers. And in the finale, wow, this,

I mean, these two really go hand in hand. This worked out well. Yeah, I'm happy. I don't really. They're kind of synonymous, Mariah Carey and love. It's not really a really much of a back. battle going on there. You must choose, though.

It's more of a fight that's making the style. Yeah, regardless who you got. You must choose. Mm, Mariah. I have to choose with Mariah. I was going to say, all you need is love. Oh, man. No, with the Beatles on the other side, we've got to go with Mariah.

That song's not as good as the ones that she has. Okay, so that's it. Mariah wins. All right, folks, listen to last week's episode to find out with that. Thanks. Thank you. That was very helpful. We appreciate it.

Next. Congrats Moriah. I'm not going to side against Mariah. Sorry. You literally did once. I did. And I learned my lesson. He probably has multiple times.

Life is about growth and change and becoming a better person. You know what? One could say you go from being a mere caterpillar to a butterfly. That's correct. Great work. I've been listening to too much hand in the dirt. because now I just hear Felder singing Crazy Town. Best part of any hand in the dirt episode, Michael Felder's singing.

It's easily 15% of every episode, and I love it. I don't think he sung at all this, the Cerberless episode. That's how much they missed you, man. They were upset. I haven't listened. He didn't sing on today's taping either. Wow. Is he okay?

Do we need to check in on him? He was very energetic. Something is wrong, I think. Okay. He seems happy. I don't know That's not good That's not good

Spring is sprung He didn't yell at Harsl at all Yeah it's not good He was like counting on me to do it Something's up Okay I have a headline For you from March 21st

Which is today When we're recording This is from the New York Post But it's an international story Dad takes on pack of aggressive monkeys as they lunge at his son in Thailand. Don't macaque to me or my son ever again. A few key pieces of information in no particular order.

The name of this island that they have attended is, I had it right here. it's called co-fee-fi-don or co-fi-dahn i apologize i don't know how to pronounce this co-fifi yeah okay co-fifi don island and they were visiting monkey beach and this is a beach that is yep yep correct uh this is a beach that is notorious for monkey attacks and you know this because the uh the wife in this particular couple had this quote had we known this beach was notorious for monkey attacks, we wouldn't have gone. The people in question are travel

YouTubers who were taking their two children to this particular piece. So they were filming the whole thing. This is not very nice. Because their sons are five and one, and I'm sure this was very scary for them. But sometimes

you just have to say the thing that is true. Do you know the name of their one-year-old who was attacked by monkeys on this beach. Curious George. His name is Darwin. No. Wow.

Wow. Yep. Well, we, yep. Yep. The monkey stole him, huh? He's there now. I think he is there. Yeah.

Yeah. But these are the things you do for content, people. This is how real it is on the YouTube streets. to monkey island. Can you see the thumbnail? It's just him knocking the shit out of monkeys. Mr. Beast has offered that many children for sacrifice to the monkeys. This is a genre of wife guy that I'm not sure any of us could have anticipated.

Yeah. I just, I feel like if you go to, listen, I don't want a victim blame, but I think if you go to the beach where it's like, this is monkey beach and monkeys attack people there. You can't live without context. You can't like this. You have to read, at least I'm an idiot, and I will read a page out of the manual. If I'm going to Monkey Beach, I might perchance ask the question. Oh, hey, why do they call it Monkey Beach? If I'm going to Stab Face Island, I'm going to go.

You know what? Stab Face Island's got a crazy name. I might want to look into that. South Alabama football fans wouldn't have made this mistake. It does what it says on the tin. It does what it says. says on the 10. Now, you could accuse me of falling for propaganda, but I'm seeing lots of photos of people

hanging out with the monkeys. They can turn on you at any point. Yeah. Granted, but so can people. I've had a fear of monkeys ingrained in me by my grandfather who was in the Vietnam war and told me as a child, never go to Vietnam. Not because he'd been in war and seen the horrors of war there. He's like, there's so many damn monkeys.

They're everywhere, and they won't leave you alone. And they beat the hell out of you. Of the complaints from Vietnam, that's... That's a bronze star winner. Greenblown for you. Just think about how... No, but just think about how bad that had to be for monkeys to even make the list.

Right. There's a monkey drinking soda from a cup. How bad could this place be? What soda? It's just spark soda. Drink a jolt. That's a bad. That is straight Jack Daniels.

That's the fucks and cool. That's a cool... That's a cool ass. monkey that monkey's drinking monster black get out of its fucking way monkey's drinking surge

it's a cool good little I gotta tell you if I saw monkey drinking soda my thought would not be like oh I should hang here I'd be like oh man

what are you talking about this monkey is too comfortable I don't know about that I don't know about that they'll be really comfortable monkey doesn't have to adjust himself for your comfort

Ryan a monkey a monkey that is comfortable drinking soda does not give fuck about a human i can't scare the monkey away well you don't and so that means if shit goes down i have to fight the monkey and the monkeys all hopped up on coca cola no monkeys immediately throwing shit yes oh yeah it's going it's going also obviously this is Pepsi no you're you're you're all too scared of monkeys rcola oh no you're right in in in asia Pepsi so if we're keeping score

for jason for the past month we are too afraid as an internet of monkeys and geese these monkeys geese have teeth man come on the other way to put this is that i'll buy the goose i'll buy a monkey back i'll buy a goose right in the neck and then i win is that as a podcast we have decided that spencer could befriend a lion and jason would not get fucked up by monkeys i'm looking at all these people on monkey island who are fine i take i take my i take my odds and i run so what do you think happened here i don't know i wasn't there monkeys shit went down sometimes shit goes down so maybe they didn't have a enough soda.

I bet monkey had too much soda, to be clear. Yeah. I bet I know what happened. I have a notion. We're told, we're told over and over again that monkeys are, uh, just, just like us. Monkeys perhaps share our opinion of travel YouTubers. Yeah, exactly. You're telling me that these were, you're, you're going to tell me that these were model

citizens, uh, and, and, and good Americans who came, uh, who came into. I think they're Aussie. not better not it not us more entertaining but not better also what if yeah what if the monkeys

also you're from Australia you're so used to you should be better used to having situational awareness around animals if the monkey's like don't film me bro and the camera's still in their face the monkey's like I ask you nicely bro don't film me if you keep filming me we're going to have a problem if the monkey says all these things

I mean come on stop filming the monkey yeah apparently this was uh this was the the this is on their youtube channel of course this is so so here's the thing you're a one-year-old who nearly gets uh who nearly gets clawed by a monkey right you grow up you're 31 it's 30 years later if you're lucky you grow up let's say you do for the sake of this argument are you more mad at your parents for taking you to Monkey Island where you almost died or almost got really fucked up as a one year old? Or are you more mad

that your parents put it on YouTube? Yeah. Because like they didn't have to do that shit. Yeah. YouTube and at least like listen a long time ago at the Magic Kingdom

my Aunt Mothman was inadvertently assaulted by one of the seven dwarfs in the Main Street electrical parade. Sorry. Sorry. Let's, yeah, go ahead. No, no, it really, it really was, it really was an accident.

I was, I was an infant in arms, and I was sitting next to my aunt, and one of the seven dwarves bent down to let go, oh, hi, baby, and completely clocked my aunt in the head with his headlamp. Oh, okay. All right. Like, knocked her out. Was it sneezing? That could have been accident. I do not recall. I was not super aware of most things that this.

time but I will I will find out um thank you but my grandfather was furious with my aunt after the fact and said what became kind of the family aphorism he said if you just laid down in the street and flop like a chicken we could have owned that whole place so if you have been through this it's been placed on YouTube and you didn't even get like a college scholarship out of it yeah like mom dad you're supposed to be hustling for a living what problem is the problem is monkeys are judgment proof like you sue the monkeys they show up and they just attack like they're like what are you going to do what will you take of mine i have no wages to garnish combat it is i guess that's why that's why there are no justified plot lines where raymond where uh raymond

jesus raylan has to take raymond gibbons a monkey fuck all right we're going to bleep all this out because we're copyrighting this and we're writing, we're writing our own season of Justified where he's taking down a copycat. If we could do a justified, monkey, justified urban jungle. If we can do a justified in the like

Lancelot Link secret chimp mode where we just shoot justified but with apes and you know their lips would be moved by fishing wire right? Just nodding. Yeah, we're going to get some letters about that. Oh, it'd be fine. Finally we get letters. We used to do that as a nation.

You know what's funny and totally ethical? tying fishing wire to apes lips and making a whole dialogue we've talked about this before there's a whole Disney movie about how great horse diving used to be the movie's not like oh man horse diving was pretty fucked up it's like man it wasn't horse diving inspirational yeah we should go back to that if you hate horse diving I'm sorry why are you against people with disabilities learning sports wow there's some scene in 1921 of Walt Disney being bit by a horse and he's like Listen, fucker. One day I'm going to create an entire cultural machine that's devoted to making you jump off of a tall-off.

This is actually where we're going to get emails because every time we bring up wild hearts can't be broken, we get at least 12 people who think we're making it up. Not, not. We are that clever, but in this case, we're not making it up. What happens if you become the first person to bite a monkey back at Monkey Beach? You're not the first. I guarantee you're not the first. You can't be the first, not if Australians have access. Right.

Yeah. Australia. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to bite this bitch. Hold on. Also, not only am I confident people have bitten the monkey back, there are people who have bitten the monkey first. There are those who have said, like, I will not wait for the attack.

I will be the aggressor. I will establish dominance. Let me lay out a scenario real quick. What's the closest mainland U.S. metropolitan area to Australia? L.A. What's the closest mainland U.S. metro area to Australia? Do you mean spiritually? You're going to have to guide me down this path.

I keep giving you signals. No, let him keep answering. Yeah, actually, just keep guessing. Let's start ruling them out, all right? It's not San Antonio. Keep guessing. It's not Chicago. Omaha.

It's not Tacoma. No, I've halted. No, keep guessing. Come on, Indianapolis. It's not Mark Pellier. All right, maybe, hey. Oh, my God, San Diego. Okay, here we go.

That monkey talks shit about the chargers. Get him. There it is. There it is. God, that's all I wanted. There it is. What's wrong with you? It's about the journey.

Don't you have a master's degree in international something? I do. What is the degree? It's a master's in international affairs. Is that the one, it's that the one that ages the poorest? Because like, roughly speaking, when did you get that master's? Which century? If anybody would know about aging poorly.

2003. Okay. Like, whatever you learned about the state of the world in 2003 is useless now, right? There's whole new countries that weren't around. Right. Yeah. Like, do you graduated in bombs over Baghdad? Do you think an international affairs decree is just like a map?

No. It's facts. You went to Georgia Tech and soft science right then and there. Isn't it? Isn't it how to like investigate people? who are having like extramarital affairs over three lines because they're like difference if georgia if georgia tech had a PI school that would be so sick that would have been more useful that would be the fairs across county lines that would be south

carolina if while they've got witchcraft degrees going this is another one they should invest i'm going to adultery school yeah got a satellite campus at myrtle beach that's the sexiest degree we offer It ain't the same, just the pavilion come down. You can get a, you can get a, you can get a, you get a minor in lechery. I don't know if I want a minor in lechery. No, that's a major. You want to embrace that.

I don't think that was the lesson we were going for. Nope, we're there. There are photos of the monkeys shaking hands. Wait, wait, wait, with each other or with humans? With humans. Wow, okay. Here is one eating, it looks like pineapple. Monkeys aren't that formal with each other.

I think you're all, you're all falling for it. You're falling for monkey fear-mongering. So do you think maybe the whole thing is staged? I don't know about all that. I just think, um, I'll float it. I'm falling into an even, okay, that's fine. It could be a monkey conspiracy. Do you think the monkeys were in on it?

Yeah, 100%. So the whole thing was at work. We're going to give you a two liter of Pepsi or, you know, three-liter of Pepsi. Sir, but this episode title is False Flag at Monkey Beach. So was the one-year-old in on it? No, one-year-old couldn't have been in on it because it wouldn't sell it. A one-year-old can act.

I disagree. If they're like, fall down. Okay, okay. Just wait. There are so many photos of monkeys doing fist bumps. No, this place is fine. Let's go. I'm glad we settled that.

The next full cast live from Monkey Beach, we're definitely going to get attacked oh I'm totally getting attached oh they're tiny and adorable what a sweet little attack that would be so yeah so a list of impossibilities so far is Jason can befriend the apes are they no these are not apes

these are not apes sorry they're barely even the size of puppy dogs you can befriend the wild monkeys of monkey beach this is weird that Ryan and I are the ones who don't have animal pals so far in the sledgeer they do fistpumps. They have been civilized. I have dander allergies, so that's my big hurdle.

Oh, okay. And you are, you do, like, you have, are the most animal pal of all of us. Thank you. Well, you, you know, you're running hounds up and down the East Coast. Oh, that is true. That is very true. Including this one, I'm going to make it to gloves. You're the one who can actually pull this off.

Ryan, I swear you said that, and she just, she appeared appeared here's another another monkey drinking soda this one is Coca-Cola do you think the monkeys can tell do you think the monkeys can tell do you think you're gonna be like

oh it's fucking Pepsi gross no here's the thing no one can no that's actually the major differentiator between the evolution of monkeys and humans they were like the actual missing link is god saying is Pepsi okay

and monkeys were like yeah fine my favorite southern neutral take is the like the Coke Pepsi thing it's largely just for show. Most people, you know, I'm sure there are some people who really really very genuinely give a shit, but it's, it doesn't make me mad, it just a brand thing. It just makes me sad. It's all fine.

It's all fine. It's just, no, it's not okay. I know we're not supposed to say it's fine, Jason. Just break free. It's okay. I know how you were indoctuated as a southerner, but it's all fine. It's all fine. This transcends region.

This is personal. I'm from Atlanta. I'm from the heart of the cult. It's all fine. Just live like a monkey. Don't distinguish between Coke and Pepsi. Don't wear clothes and attack children. Two out of three.

I mean, it tried to take, the monkey took a bag, and the guy tried to take it back. Well, there you go. Bring a bag for the monkey. When you enter someone's home, bring a gift. Property laws don't apply on monkey beach. Hell no. Everything belongs to the monkey. Like the monkeys are not accusing me of trespassing.

This is what the movie The Beach is about. It's Leo Cagia, beating the fuck out of monkeys for 98 minutes. Where does the old beach movie fit into? The old beach is when you're beating up the old monkeys. It's got silverbacks. Yeah, it's a Congo sequel. They're weaker, but wiler, and that's why they have guns. And wiser.

I, for one, would like to say it's about damn time. That we gave monkeys guns? No, that we made a Congo sequel. Okay. Yeah, no, that's absolutely true. Yeah, we got a whole universe and we can't, out of, like, Planet of the Apes, and we can't get, like, a passel of Amy's running around. Yeah, it feels like one that should have been turned into, like, a sci-fi original series at some point.

Duh. You know? Like, Noah Wiley is not busy. It's a good point. Prove me wrong I can't No Noah Wiley and a CGI

Gorilla go No we're not getting CGI But we're getting some bad prosthetics Oh are we just gonna do Are we just gonna do ape suit? Yep We're gonna do it theater kid style Yes

100% Yes And you're like Who's been like There's no shot of the ape and full mildly canceled? Who's been like mildly canceled but not really

canceled and not really canceled and need to re- Yeah Yeah Al Franken in the ape suit Yep, that's it It's interesting to hear his name again I thought of him yesterday When looking at Gino Ariema

Because they're the same I don't want to examine that in any Any additional details Welcome back server I wouldn't leave my kids alone with either one of them It's real hard to make somebody root for Baylor. It's easier now that she who must not be named is gone. Yeah.

Yeah, Nikki Collins is pretty cool. I would love to cast in this movie, Terrence, in the series, Terrence Howard, because he might. Yeah, because he lost his Marvel money. Yeah, and he would believe. Maybe he can be like the president or something. Yeah. Does the president wear a hat? Does the president wear a hat at all times?

in this scenario yes correct yes correct now my client terence howard is in he's interested and he will do this job by contract he will have three minutes per episode to expound on the new math that he just discovered in uganda that is exactly what i want out of this series looking straight at the camera no wiley al frankin is the ape president terence howard sci-fi we're ready and oh we need like we need like a talking robot but a no nonsense talking robot like a kathy bates robot can kathy bates be the voice of amy's like nintendo power glove oh sure 100% yeah yeah let's do that but like doing an aggressively southern accent maybe i wanted to ask have you watched any of the world uh baseball championship

Are you sure that's what it's called? Are you sure that's what it's called? I'm going to give you one more chance. Are you sure that's what it's called? I'm not actually. I know it's the WBC. Yeah. What do you think it is?

Classic. It's a classic. It is. Look, I bring that up only because I don't think you should get to call it the classic when it's only been around for like 15 years. I actually think that you should because I think that it is proven out with the quality of material that it has given us. This is the only way I ever want to. baseball okay and I think as a excuse me the world's only college football podcast we are not

allowed to stipulate that seeing as we every year have a new classic that has been around for no time at all of one sort or another okay I think this is in fact baseball becoming more college football and who are we to say that's bad it's good okay all right I retract my in addition to the WBC which has been entertaining we also have MLB deciding that like it's okay if it It doesn't take as long as possible for every game to be played. So I think things are looking up for baseball this month. To answer your original question, Spencer, I have not watched the World Baseball Classic because Keith Olberman told me not to.

Wait, what? Yes, he did. What the fuck is he done now? How did he tell you this? So I think it was Edwin Diaz, who's a closer, I think. I'm definitely super into baseball, as you can know. closer for the Mets got injured during a celebration maybe I don't know like three or four days ago at this point

and certain people on Twitter got very mad and said this proves that the WBC is a waste of time and like because he's going to miss the whole season he's not going to play for the Mets this year at all okay that's very funny and as we all know like the Mets being the Mets are one of the most stable and foundational elements of our society This is one of the first things.

That's why this is funny. Right, right. Like, we, how am I supposed to tell my children that the Mets might not be good this year? That's a thing they've relied upon for the entirety of their lives and mine. But now the World Baseball Classic has taken that most, the fifth estate, the 12th state, whatever a state it is, and it's ruined it. And Keith Oberman was one of the people who was like, are you happy now? Look what you've done. I love my.

shaking my fit. I'm wearing a suit in the bathtub, and I'm very bad. I think one of the best things is when sports casuals discover sports. Yes, I'm calling the former host of Sports Center a sports casual. But like, it reminds me of when Dion took the Colorado job and everyone was immediately like, how dare he go in there and tell the players they should quit if they're not tough enough? And it's like, that's what every new coach says. This feels like that because it's like, what, an injury happening before the season begins? And it's like, yes, you have never heard of spring training. You have never heard of preseason. You think. You think. this is the first time a player has ever been heard in a game that doesn't quote

unquote count guess what this counts more than preseason games do also like a player being injured during a celebration we love that shit of all the sports where it's like yeah man they get they get injured doing dumb shit like baseball players have been injured grievously slipping in the shower punching punching various things in the dugout speaking of the last time either was of them was on television for any amount of time has he met le garrett blunt Yeah Like, I'm going to Google this Dumbest Baseball

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead I have a list from MLB.com Oh Are you ready? I'm just the league itself is sectioned this Yeah, the league itself And these are all from the last

Does it say dumb on it? These are all from the last five years There are some legendary ones like Glenn Allen Hill Player in the 1990s Once ended up on the DL because he was having a nightmare about spiders and ran out of his bed

and down the stairs in his sleep. Okay? Kevin Mitchell missed games due to breaking a tooth on a half-micor-waved donut. That's, these are legendary ones. I'm not even going to go into those. These are from the last five.

These are from the last five years. Shaw Kelly of the A's in 2018 sliced the tip of his right thumb on a sharp knife while washing dishes and missed time. Okay. Yana Suspedez for the Mets, okay? We can't do anything without doing the Mets.

He was on his ranch in Port St. Lucy, Florida. Shouts out to PSL, baby. He suffered a violent fall and twisted his ankle. When the New York Post looked into it, they discovered that Suspitas had suffered the injury during an interaction with a wild fucking boar. All right? I'm going to do three more because they feel good.

Okay. That's why. I believe his name is Wascar and Yanoa for the Braves. I don't know baseball players. Don't blame me. Hussar, Inoua, I think is how you say it. Inoua? Okay, there we go.

He missed time after punching the padded dugout bench after a frustrating start and breaking his pitching hand. Two more. I think if you're a baseball pitcher, you should cultivate punching with your other hand. Of course. JMO. 2022. Another Mets went,

Go Mets. While recovering from an oblique strain, Max Scherzer was bitten on his right hand by one of his dogs. He didn't miss time to that, by the way, in addition to the oblique strain. I just think it's funny. The best one, though, is from 2022. The Astros Lance McCullors, Jr.

He was hit on the elbow by a champagne bottle and had to push back his scheduled ALCS start from the celebration from the division. series. No. These are still the tip of the ice like

Yeah. We're not Tom Glavin got food poisoning once and threw up so hard that he cracked two ribs. Sammy Sosa

did the same thing while sneezing. Ricky Henderson gave himself frostbite in August by leaving an ice pack on his

foot for too long. And this is like three games with frostbite in August. This is like, and Ricky had is like the most baseball dude ever.

It was probably 47 and he probably stole three bases the next day. Matt Kane was making a sandwich in the Giants team kitchen. He dropped, he's a pitcher. He dropped the knife and he tried to catch it. He's not a catcher. That's the exact point. I disagree. Know your role.

He did catch it. Know your role. My favorite of the 2000s is Trevor Bauer injured himself fixing a drone. it was during the playoffs no less yeah he tried to pitch and there was so much there was so much blood the umpire was like get the fuck out of here like i guess the point i'm trying to make is when would keith olberman ever have had time to develop awareness of ricky henderson

it's fair i think if you're going to complain about injuries in the wbc you need to have 50 people who know you a test that you have never injured yourself doing some dumb shit. If you can get 50 close friends and family to say, never, not once. Not once has he suffered a grievous injury doing some real dumb-ass shit, then fine. You can complain about baseball players getting injured. Keith Oldhammer would have to have 50 friends.

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Anyway, what did you want to say about the WBC, Spencer? Which I, sorry, what is this says for them again? Thank you. so world baseball classic there we go you sure it's baseball no I haven't watched any of that

quiet sadness in his voice no I wanted to talk about it because we don't get to we don't get to do this in college football we don't get an inner we don't get the splendor

of international competition we don't get to shake up that's not true that's Roger Sherman is going to fucking punch you on the solar plexus you fucking northwestern Europe's team

Europe's team Northwestern their only win came in the European sphere last year I'm pretty sure we have an international college football there's an international football tournament there are Canadian teams

there are Mexican teams very small and budding international scene we do not get the full organized splendor of like something like even Puerto Rico versus Mexico in baseball. We don't

get that. You don't get to see the DR show out. We don't get to see all of that. And I was for full confession mode here, I was a little envious. I'm envious like, that's the reason I love I love, I am a sucker for

any international tournament sportively. Like I absolutely like I will take a month off for the World Cup. If I could take a month off for the World Cup, I absolutely would. It is a banger almost every time. Um, the world, like the World Cup for rugby, like the World Rugby Cup is, it's incredible.

World Rugby classic. I don't, we don't get to do that. And I just like wanted to register a note of regret that we don't because we're the only country that plays this silly sport. For the most part, Roger Sherman. I know. What are you doing in July? Not much, man.

Not much. If you would like to, you and probably anyone else who wants to. can go to Toledo on July 1st to the University of... Wait, Ohio or Spain? Ohio in this case. Okay. And you can watch the Italian Bowl. Why is it then?

What? Go on. That I couldn't tell you. The Italian football league's championship game will be played in Toledo, Ohio, this July. Well, we're going, right? Is this... When you say Italian... football league is this Italian

I'm doing I'm doing the thing football league or Italian football league is Italian football its own discreet sport no these are Italians playing American football okay nobody's perfect okay like when we sent them Dominoes right right right so so this championship of theirs let's see the list of places it's been held its

title game? Do we have that? Hold on. I got to see if there's a Wikipedia entry for Italian Bowl that doesn't lead me to some fucking domino's menu. American. All right. So the Italian Football League. The Italian

Bowl has mostly been played in various Italian stadiums, at least through this is this appears to be the first one that is being played outside of Italy. And they're going to Toledo?

They're going to Toledo. Yeah, that sort of leads to the obvious question. When the frogs leg Nano and the Milano, seamen and so forth, there's multiple teams named frogs in here. It appears. Great. So when all the, it looks like the seamen are sort of the dominant dynasty in this league.

I'm sorry, the seamen are from what country? I'm sorry, from what city? Milano. How do you say it, Ryan? Go ahead. Not doing that. this does appear to be their first championship abroad and what is the process of selecting Toledo here let's see here

they have Georgios International on 426 North Superior Street the only Italian Bowl Toledo why oh boy that's why because Destination Toledo was just too much to resist from the American Football International some sort of outlet

the NFL showcase its talents in the glass bowl, the stunning stadium in the city of Toledo, Ohio. Toledo is a sister city of Ferrara in Italy. Apparently, this is part of that. The entire weekend will be packed with Italian theme events, including a business forum and a Toledo night market following the game. Y'all, Toledo Night Market is, we were born for this. Playing in America in front of the crowds we expect to see at the glass bowl,

what any youngster in Italy who loves the sport dreams of doing. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. What's the date? July 1st, 2023. Oh, that's not even conflicting with the Tour de France. It's 1001 days.

I think we're going to show the fuck out for the Italian. Yeah. Oh, fuck, that's the first day. I'm out. Can we start a supporters brawl? with just five people. Probably. Yeah. Probably.

Spencer, who's the fifth person in this scenario? Well, I mean, I was counting everyone here. I know that he's out due to the door to France, and I respect that. It's like Poseidon? Yes. The four of us can start a supporters role. Oh, anywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

Serber, I respect your decision, but I do want to at least drop this merch item in the chat for you to just to consider. I will, here's the issue. The first stage is in Bill Bauer. It's a hilly stage, which means Julian Alphilippe will be a favor to win, but it also means, like, he and Vanderpull and Wild Van Art all going to be trying to take yellow on the first day. It's going to be thrilling. I, if I can find a hotel room with good enough internet to stream it without feeling

like it's going to, like, fuck up on me, I'll do it because it'll be over by 1130. What time is the Italian Bowl? What if, the Italian Bowl is at 2.30? Oh, this is perfect. So what if we can, what if we can. I mean, listen, the Italy is the city of cycling as well. Like,

the Zeros a thing. So is Toledo. So why, what if we can get the city of Toledo to host a watch party for the, 2 p.m. The stage. 2 p.m. is when the game is going to be played.

It's brought to you by Marco's Pizza. Real Italian pizza. Marco's pizza. Not as bad as you remember. No, no, solid. Actually okay Yeah So among the Italian

Football teams There's one that combined two teams The Vipers and the Warriors They're now the stainless steel warriors And Holly their helmet is a Mountaineer's knockoff Blue, blue W, yellow V and everything Yep

Yep excellent They've done this 42 times Who knows what happens in Italy The The Frogs team has basically A Raiders logo Like it's not a frog It's a person.

Frogs are raiders. All amphibians are raiders, if you think about it. There's a team called the Scorpions, but it's with a K instead of a C. That is so much better. Yeah. Oh, I don't like it at all. Divisive, the Scorpions are justices. Oh, now we've got a rivalry.

House divided. But we don't know. Right now, they've only played two games this season, so we don't know. That's the beauty of it. You can buy tickets to the Italian Bowl and not even know who you're going to get to see. I don't know, it's so corporate now these days. The Italian Bowl? Since it went American.

There are three hotels with group rates. One of them is a Hampton Inn and Suites. Yes. This is great. You know, this is actually, it's a very diverse roster. I'm going to stick to the Italians on the roster because it includes quarterback Nicholas Dalmaso

running back Modest Puda and Luca Asimian Balotelli and offensive lineman Francesco Verlindsi and Eduardo Sandonati

I love this I thought I heard I heard two words running together and I thought that dude's name was Francescover

and I love that wide receiver Andrea That sounds a very big 12 Andrea Andrea Fiamengi what a fantastic god this would be so fun to call we should just go and offer our services

can we just volunteer to call it probably and volunteer to be the press corps for the Italian football I will totally volunteer for that yeah let's just be the press corps for the Italian we've declared ourselves Ryan you're Italian you can call somebody yeah yeah sure I'll make this happen

no problem okay you gotta know you're Italian you know a guy Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, specifically. Woke up this morning. Who? Okay. I absolutely, but I, by the way, how serious is this? What do you mean, how serious is this?

That you are going to become Italian. Oh, this thing? Were you? Yeah. Fucking master of the, I love context. I want to know how far you're going to take this. This is, all right, so for further context, literally everyone else. Because, no, right, I'm a Italian.

My, uh, my semi-retired, if you have, if you have a retired or semi-retired father, they probably are getting up to a project of some sort that may or may not be useful. My semi-retired father has several of these. One of them is he's like, what if we all got dual citizenship in Italy? Like his side of the family traces their lineage back. he has tracked down, like, his grandfather or great-grandfather's birth certificate, which is all handwritten because it's just old as shit. And it's in the process of, we're in the process of applying for Italian citizenship,

which doesn't seem to be, like, it's a lot of document work, but there's no, like, interesting, there's no, like, interesting. Documented shins out, if you will. Correct, yeah, yeah. There's not a Mario Kart contest, which I think there should be, frankly. but as a result of this I got the most amazing scheduling email I've ever received which is that I have an appointment at the Italian consulate of Detroit in May of 2026 for my intake meeting or whatever

Now do you get to pick your consulate or do they just select one? It is it is it is it is kind of like how circuit courts work and for whatever reason Tennessee got assigned to Detroit so that's where I'll be going Dixie Mafia yeah sure it's very weird to have an appointment three plus years out

because a lot of shit can happen I got a dental appointment yeah I got to go to Detroit in three years but at least it's in May and not like January it's near Toledo that's true and by that point you know what if I go to the Italian Bowl in Toledo then I

I can get lots of gear that I can bring to this meeting and they'll probably just like rubber stamping it. Oh, you went to the Italian bowl? You are Italian and they do the side of the cross and you're good. Yeah, you're here and therefore family. Yeah. You're just going to have to learn to smoke before then. If you drive, there's a Buckees in Richmond, Kentucky on the way. There's a what in Richmond, Kentucky? There's a Buckees on the way in Richmond, Kentucky. If you decide to drive just good. That's on the way to Toledo too. Detroit's easy, man. And it's just a straight shot up 75. You'll be fine.

What element of Ohio culture do you think Italians will take back with them? Ooh. Cheap H-G-H. Could be. Yeah. Rampant, or yeah. It'll be something where they're like, can you make the pecs bigger? Do you think they're going to try Skyline chili?

Oh, no. Oh, no. There's rules in that. Oh, there's allegedly noodles in that. I can't imagine a food more blasphemous to Italians who are, you know, like, die. What if the Italians come here, they try it and they're like, fuck, this is better than everything. God damn it. They won't admit it.

They fucking did it. They cracked the code. They won't because somebody will tell them it's Greek, which is honest. You are a liar. They'll be like, these are bad noodles with Greek chili on top of it. They'll be like, no, no, we cannot admit this. This is impermissible. What would Greek chili even look like?

Skyline. That's what it would look like. That's the family that started it. What's Greek? Oh, oh, I see. I say. Yeah, so they would never, yeah, they would never, never caught into it because they'd be like, oh, this is, this is giving a compliment to another Mediterranean cuisine. Do you think that's the Greekness? I think it's the Americanness. Do you think that's Grace's ultimate triumph over Italy is look what we've done to your precious pasta. Yeah.

What a mockery. Look how we've massacred your needle. Look how we've massacred your blood. A massacre in every bowl, a bitter triumph in every bite. A masker coming and going. Not only did we caricature your food, people like it. Signore, surely there's cheese, no? Yes, it's cheddar, you fucks.

Come to America, wherever you love sarcastic Italian food. That's also what a pizone is, I guess, so I can't talk. A lot of the Italian food. Italian food we eat is sarcastic Italian food. Jason says, so I really can't talk and that made me think for a minute. Like, is the Pazone Scottish? Olive Garden is trying to work that out. Olive Garden is basically a parody.

It's like basically the Weird Al Song's song of Italian food. I think Olive Garden is like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy. It's a deeply degraded meme. It's just a little too crispy. It's paper jam dipper from Gravity Falls. But it's a screenshot of a screenshot of it's low-res. It's low-res Italian food. Share this meme before it's indiscernible.

How many olive gardens do you think you would have to go to in this country speaking fluent Italian before you encountered somebody who could understand you on staff? All of them. Do you think there's a single one where there's? I bet you go over. Because it feels like there's self-selection here. Like an Italian person who knows Italian is like, I'm not working there. I am not right.

I will die before I work there. Maybe it's like I was the most hated man in Italy. And this is the only place I can. This is where they exile their worst. You know, their most boring criminals? You know who it's going to be? It's going to be the captain of the Costa Concordia. That's who you're going to do.

That's where they sent him. You go to America. I had to hide somewhere where no Italian would ever find me. That's pretty good And if you see him You have to go get back on the fucking boat Wait so like Every Argentine and Olive Garden is staffed by ex-Nossies

Yes That's it's correct Mafia movies have taught us that they hang out in like The best Italian joint in every Every city no Yep The deals get done at Olive Garden Yep

Now I just want to go to alternate universe Olive Garden where the guy who was the captain of the Coast of Concordia is going and just scream at him every time I see him. Get back on the boat. No breadsticks. No breadsticks until you fix the boat. I love the like a cross-cultural version of this

because if someone was like, you know what we're going to do, we're going to start a restaurant that is a spoof of America and they'll hate it and we'll make it so stupid and over the top that the end will be like, no, this is great, this is perfect. this is a thank you for bringing me to Culver's well that's a lot of if you go like there are those places overseas where there are like if they have a burger place

it'll be like you know Birmingham burgers and it'll be Texan or you know it'll be right right it'll be like these big and there'll be one thing they're generally pretty accurate because it's not hard to make a burger it's just not like in terms of execution making a big cartoonish American restaurant ain't that hard they've seen Brick Brack

the walls of... Welcome to Fat Guns. That's right. That place would hit. It's not hard. It would love Fat Guns. Right. Right. Yeah, you could definitely do well for

franchising fat guns in America. There is no joke that we would not walk right into. Yeah, that's true. You're right. You're right. Listen, remember what happened when we all saw Culvers for the first time? Sure. Yeah, like Sweet Bloods, an American Diner would not be hard, right?

Like, you could go ahead and do. that if you had to. It's way harder the other way. How do you parody fud ruckers? Good luck. I'm telling you. Do your worst. Diabetes krill. That's how you parody it.

I'm on insider.com right now looking at an article called what 12 American themed restaurants look like around the world. They're all fucking awesome. We got cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, mozzarella sticks, peanut butter banana sandwiches. If there's like a pump where you like add grease to your

sandwich that's like the only thing where we would start to be like wait a minute i think sure you're messing with us like other other i don't know man we're used to adding butter at the movie theater other countries and cultures would be yeah i guess the closest thing would be like oh you put mayonnaise on the french fries that's terrible yeah like yeah you'll get an egg on the burger in some places yeah you'll get little things that it's like like it's a note or two off here but generally like you know oh wait wait wait wait wait wait there is one way you could do this that would really piss Americans off. Open a barbecue restaurant abroad.

Right. People would... I found it. I found it. I found it. It's in Beijing, China. It's called Tim's Texas barbecue. And the walls are covered in Texas A&M stickers.

And they serve pork. I'm going to put the link in the chat. You've got to scroll down a ways here. They serve mustard sauce and call it Texas. That's what they do. It says the flavor at Tim's is better than some in the U.S. Bullshit. is what is jimbo is it better than jimbo's second five-year plan now is that what's happening

yeah it's how it couldn't be it doesn't specify what type of barbecue but it's tim's texas barbecue in Beijing china um and the fact that there's yeah i don't know Texas Tim and they say they all tell you howdy when you arrive that's cute yeah it is Tim McGrath you're right apparently it's gone there are only hill Texas Tims it's a Texas Tim's yeah yeah So it's not West Texas. Regional barbecue is probably the right one, but it would only piss off a very specific portion of humanity. Like, I think the Internet has taught us that everyone has regional barbecue.

Most people don't. Most people think barbecue is like, that's ketchup on my, that's when you put ketchup on pork that's been chopped real tiny. That's probably the next frontier in like online food fight. Because, you know, if you've watched any like pizza shows or pizza documentaries, is one of the most contentious things that I think has developed is like oh Japan actually has some of the best pizza in the world like it's not Italy it's Japan conceptually that's upsetting you're right and if you if if out of nowhere it was just like yeah sorry man uh Switzerland's the barbecue center of the universe I think people would flip the fuck I mean they got um they they have lots of reason to like keep fires going for a very long time sure I hear you you know you're but I don't think people would react well.

That's all. I think it's great. But thankfully, we have events like the Italian Bowl to bring our countries back together. To show them Ohio-style barbecue. Which has noodles. They can show us real Italian football. Yeah. Learn us a thing or two.

This is just Casey masterpiece on shit. I could think of maybe one exception. Okay. if they if they made it like a Popeyes and super fucked it up there's a pop well there's the Popeyes in Paris now how do you fuck up a Popeyes though

make it timely yeah that's what I'm trying that's that's what I'm trying to kind of a German pop eyes where they're like your food is a efficient poppies what fuck is this meticulous Popeyes like I'm trying to think of not a Popeyes

that is not upsetting on like an execution level, but a level of execution that is spiritually upsetting to somebody used to actual Popeyes. I think if you take a Popeyes, put KFC's food in it, and deliver it with Chick-fil-A efficiency. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I think that would be, that would be most disturbing. You'd have to get a regional manager to come in and be like, guys, guys. You can buy a veggie burger at the French Popeyes. That is upsetting. That doesn't seem right. we save them in World War II for that This is how you were paying France is having way too many entertaining strikes

lately for me to make jokes about them That's fair That's fair Yeah they got to come in and be like Yes if they ask our veggie burger You need to give them a real burger Give them a real burger This is the Popeye's way

My carrot sticks for children At Popeyes, France Oh gross I think it's fine That is upsetting. They better deep fry that shit. But here's the thing. If you order carrot sticks, you're going to get a waffle cone.

Like, it's Popeyes. Who knows what you get? So it doesn't matter what's on the menu. You can also get a latte at Popeyes, France. Yeah, you can order one. I have a lot of questions. That's a great point. What is the scenario at which you're like, oh, fuck, I need coffee?

All right, French Popeyes, here we go. Just walk past like eight carefully curated family coffee houses, each filled with French people who have been up since three in the morning. Hundreds of years old. Hundreds of years old. You pass the one that Voltaire used to like get his morning cup. I would do this just to Instagram at all, like, you know, real morning flavors of our grants. All my time, bitches.

It's just me and Dan Orlovsky at the Popeye's getting coffee. Dan is ordering milk. Dan's like, this is too hot. Can you make this milk, this milk warm? Not warm. I needed it about food poisoning. Oh, this milk is too salty. Yeah.

How do you say, how do you say we're out of that in French? Because that's what you're going to hear whenever you ask for anything. So we're used to it now. Can I get a Black and Ranch? Oh, man. French Black and Ranch would be so good. It would be so God. I just have an instinct. I just have an instinct.

It would be the most delicious thing. But you know what? No one's ever had it because they're all out of it. I know. So there's actually a French word for this, like the idea of the thing being more beautiful than the thing itself. And there it is, French black and orange. Yeah, see, they get five pies. They get it.

Wow. They were built for this. They get that beauty is ephemeral. You know what? Man, this is the most foolproof concept ever. I'm looking at this list of restaurants server and all of them sound awesome. Like there's a Japanese steakhouse called. the Bronco Billy Steakhouse.

Perfect. It's just got like a big hunkin picture of meat on fire in front of it. You're like, yeah. Yeah, that's us. Frankly, they nailed it. These are all the restaurant version

of mini driver singing Stand By Your Man. A perfect musical number. Right. I just wonder what it's like to be from a country that can feel shame. There's a place in Salangor, Malaysia called Betty's Midwest Kitchen

and they serve something called dog food. which is kind of like, perfect. If I told you there was a restaurant and you're like, oh, hey, you got to go to this place and there was a restaurant like this in Tampa. It was called the Dogwater Cafe and they served you at dog bowls. I'm not making that up. I don't believe, I don't doubt this for a minute.

Should we, all right, are we, I'm fine if the answer is no. Do we need to talk about Ron DeSantis saying that he was raised in Tampa? Yeah, yeah, okay. Culturally is of Pennsylvania and Ohio. He was assigned Tampa at birth. Yeah. Yeah. I want to give you the opportunity to get anything you might have on your heart

regarding this off your heart. So my main issue is that this is a smokescreen because Ron DeSantis was not born in Tampa. Ron DeSantis was born in Jacksonville. Wow. Oh, my. So he's stealing valor. him he did he did i think he went to high school in panellis and he lived in orlando for a little while to like the tampa thing is not total bullshit but he is duval by birthright damn he met his

wife in jacksonville as well like tampa by the grace of god this the sneakiest thing about this is that he is using this to distract people from his his true jacksonville nature i didn't And that's fucked up. And I texted this to get worse. That's insane. And I texted this as Spencer. It's one thing to be like, you know, his actual politics aside for one moment. Ron DeSantis is a baseball first human being from Jacksonville.

That's who's running for president. Somebody born in Jacksonville who's like, baseball is my thing. That's insane. So he's like a big like double a baseball fan? He was, he was on the, um, He was on the baseball team at Yale or Harvard, wherever he went. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Like, if you knew, did Rhonda Santos have shit to say about the Jags come back against the Chargers in the playoffs? No. No. Doubt it. What the fuck, man? This is fucked up. That's all I'm going to say. You've added a whole new level of fucked up in this.

Like, the, the person who has decided that he is the one. who gets to decide who people are based on what he thinks was a piece of paper that was correct, has also decided that his birthplace is not correct, and he's the one who gets to change. Yeah. Like, very clearly the last person who should be going around declaring this sort of thing, and that's not the extent of it because he's not actually even from Tampa. Nope.

He has made me want to secure our border. against Jackson's border the border of Duval like just contain it seal it off yeah even if you even if you don't trace it all even if you don't trace it all the way back

you can't go ahead and take issue with his like disavowal of tampon values because yeah what is that shit supposed to be yeah it's like you know I was just you know like an America loving like listen Tampa I'm not like these actual Florida trash who will

elected me multiple times i'm not like these america hating godless people from tampa and i was like yeah you can say a lot of things about people from tampa but brother when it comes to the red white and blue they're going to put a sticker on their cheap they're going to say their prayers you think there's no american flags in that dildo store and also this is a guy saying like it's american dildos in that dildo's spiritually i feel like i'm from red white and blue I just, I feel spiritually like I'm from swing states, just all of them, you know, all a little bit. Yep. Yeah, which is, yeah, which is.

The best part, the best part is. I also like that he emphasized that he is from a Western Pennsylvania, like, he's like, not Philly. Don't you fucking put Philly on me. It's a Western Pennsylvania. It's like, not a problem. Yes. Like the best part is that this dude has received the most expensive two educations that you could get. in the United States

at the undergraduate and graduate level and the best that he can do is an office reached by Lawton Childs who used to talk elaborately about raccoons. Cheb Bush. What's wrong with that? He's Jeff Bush. That's it.

Governor of Florida is the best you can do. That's fucking pathetic. Now he's going to turn his back on it. All those lines on the resume. And he can't even run from, he can't even run from Jacksonville, let alone Tampa. that's who you are yeah oh we gotta write a country song about wrong called you can't run from

jacksonville i guess nothing nothing against the good people of jacksonville uh who are oh no it's by far the most many of them are part of florida well i'm just going to say many of them are far better than ron desantis many of them aren't but the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's fucked up one of the things is fucked up it's ron desantis there's a lot of choices um everybody in tampa is fucking from Pennsylvania like where do you think these people came from? Like what is he talking about here?

Like everyone in Tampa is either everyone like the Tampa Bay area so let's like Sarasota Pinellas. Yep. Brandon and and Tampa right in Hillsborough County. Yeah. All of these people they're all from like like I went

I transferred from Packers fans. Yeah I transferred from a Tennessee high school to a of Florida high school. And when I did, I found myself surrounded by people from Long Island. That's where everyone from Long Island went. If Long Island is empty, it's because they're all in northern Pinellas County. Listening to Billy Joel.

Listening to Billy Joel and being like, the bagels are different. That's it. That's the discourse. Is this why the Buccaneers were in the NFC North for so long? I think that might be part of it because I do remember when that was a thing that like, I was like, oh, cool, I go to school with the Bears fans. That's confusing. No, there were Jersey girls with Camaro's and they had their name stenciled over the door handle, right?

Sure. Like, naughty, sherry. Like, the pink ladies. I went, yeah, with the hair, like, I went to high school with the equivalent of the 1990s pink ladies. Like, that's very much who I went to high school. They'll probably be at the Italian Bowl. I hope they're at the Italian Bowl. They were cool as hell.

Yeah. I just like, I understand I'm I in a weird way I understand like rejecting your your Tampa roots and embracing a Pittsburgh Ohio State themed caricature of yourself. But that's my, that's fucking my bit. Ron DeSantis, fuck you. I'm Ron DeSantis. Emotionally balanced Michigan State fan. Your shame isn't real. Mine is. It's also that, like, because he's baseball first, what Ron DeSantis is signaling to you is like, I'm a Pirates fan. What? Please elect me, a Pirates fan to the highest office in the land. That's not weird. There's a guy who makes great choices.

God damn it. I think the worst franchise in all of pro sports is the one that most reminds me of myself. The larger, and the larger question is this. Who is buying the Ron DeSantis memoir? What? Like, how down bad for Father's Day gifts do you have to be? They'll be like, yep, that's the one. Go to Home Depot and buy literally anything else.

Wait, what is he remembering? I don't know. No, if he's going to Jimmy and high school, there's a lot about countryside mall in there. It's just a lengthy review of Paul Blart Mall cop. It's like, what cool shit has Ron DeSantis done? Here's when I okayed the force feeding of prisoners at Guantanamo. Fuck.

And that's at least an ethos. That's that's all he has in there. I feel like it at least has like... Here are my 20 most favorite Baltimore Orioles after that. Baseball takes. I mean, at least probably I'm guessing, has like content, like events happened. Whereas I noticed the other day Jared Kushner has an autobiography. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, good. I am not capable of imagining him like even transmitting thoughts. to paper like in any sort of way. Okay, unless he did it, unless he did like a slender man autobiography as a goof. Yeah, or if it's just pirate erotica. If it's just like, God, the coast

of Fartanique, 1683. Just like, it doesn't matter what's in there because it's just going to be bought. What is 17 hells? Your publisher is just going to buy 5,000 of them to get them on the bestsellers list in week one. And then they're just going to ship them to the dollar bin.

That's really what this is going to be. So you might as well fill it with something interesting, right? And then an alien came down and I made love to a tar. Avassi tithes. Yeah. Help. Just to see if anyone reads it, right? Just like, I want somebody from the other one.

And apparently no one has. To open this thing and be like, have you seen what's in this? Apparently, Spencer's the only one who has read this. Yeah. Jared Kushner swears in a past life he was a pirate with three days. It's fucking crazy. Tripod McGilligudy. talk about a peg leg

the nina the penta and the skull of both friend to lonely wives enemy of lesser men you know the last time we talked about you know the last time we talked about one of these people and they're gonna tell you y'all remember what happened next but nothing bad happened after that so it's fine

You know what, Ryan, that's a terrific point. The event, which I believe is referring to as the Nintendo character, Toad and the similarity. Oh, yeah, let's talk about it again. There between that character and Donald Trump's penis. Do I have that right? Yeah, I sure do. And that's also in the news right now, isn't it? In theory, I just Googled it.

I haven't looked on social media since we began recording. So it could be back in the news as of this very moment. because like apparently that's it's news you can schedule do y'all reckon the voter fraud hotline is still open we never did get a call back i bet that mailbox is full yeah yeah but still if it's not i'm going to call you know what i'm going to say 1691 my most dangerous endeavor what a broke boy amount of money too 130 000 payment for hush money like that's what a what a camden get 138, 135 or something? That's less than any of our bosses made at Vox, and they're idiots.

180? Yeah. And that's, you know, what, 20 years ago now or 10 years ago or whatever it is? Like, this is embarrassing. Could not be a booster. Could not be a mega booster at this point. It doesn't seem the hush money worked, I guess. Because I feel like I know a lot about the thing that was supposed to be hushed.

I know more than I ever intended to. I don't think it worked. this is where you just need to pay hush money to like again put outlandish lies about it right they'd be like yes he sat on a bed he was the most beautiful man i've ever seen and he told me he invented the flat screen television how much money would it take how much money would you have to be told to to put it in the world spencer hall says more than one 30 more than 130 sure i'll do it for 130 and 1 if you're giving me money to to shut up and never say something like you have you have to do the calculus of like how fast will I burn through this and or will I die before then and like 130,000 dollars is not going to go that far it's just bad math it's just so like help my my economy is dying I've spent all my hushed money on candles candles are so quiet at least

again just yeah we're going to ghostwrite memoirs I'm advertising that right now the full cast incorporated. Wow, that sounds so illegal. We will ghost write your memoir. We will make up interesting things to see if anyone will actually. And don't start till like page 40, right? Like the first 39 pages under the name John Q. Bacon. Right.

Do you think Auburn intentionally lost in the NCAA tournament so Bruce Pearl won't have media availability if Donald Trump gets arrested? Do you think they were just like, we need Bruce to be on vacation now? Probably a lot of scoers. Take his phone. Crunching those numbers. Just take the SIM card out of it, right? Send him to like, send him to like Namibia.

Send him as far away as possible. No, don't. Yeah, no. Do not. Counterpoint. I think he's nicely contained. Bruce, had you like to go to Olive Garden, Canada. That's better.

This is your co-worker. You'll be working with him today. What did you use to do? I was a sailor. I worked on a very large ship. It's the sexiest pirate, Natalie. That was the sexiest pirate in Italy. Page 41 is wild, y'all.

Page 40 is normal. Canadian pirate, yeah. Yeah. Just working with the guy at the Olive Garden, he tips over the dessert cart. You're like, wow, who could have seen that coming from you? Captain of the Costa Concordia really getting it pretty bad on this episode. Never, hey, never let it be said that we don't speak truth to power here, all right? There are no sacred cows on this podcast.

You don't care how powerful you are We'll take you down I missed you guys Missed y'all