Shutdown Fullcast - Final Four Recap / The .500 Club

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

Ryan shares a bold vision of the future for EA Sports' flagship college football propertyFinal Four RecapWhich teams in what sports do we think we could coach to a precise .500 record in one season?A refresher course for fired coachesThe 2025 Charity Bowl begins on April 14Fullcast theme song arranged and performed by Russell PowellCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz: https://linktr.ee/killerantzSign up for update's about Ryan's secret new project at falconscottproductions.comCheck out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/DID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write a year-round newsletter, featuring football and also unfootball things, at https://channel-6.ghost.io/

Did y'all see the video of the Kentucky? I think it's like a restaurant, restaurant owner who intentionally flooded his restaurant with fresh water. Yeah, to keep the dirty water out? To keep the dirty water out? Yeah. What are your, do you think this was smart or ridiculous? That's a, that is, Ryan, that is the most podcast question you've ever asked. Are we pro or con?

is this guy a genius or a moron way in i'm in very much a like fuck everything mode so i'm like that seems like doing too much okay yeah that seems like doing too much like it's a lot it's a lot of work for not for still having five feet of water and you rest i think because this is a podcast debate i'm going to come down 1,000 percent on the other side this is a genius move sure sure this guy's got balls he's he's he's got a bought in business prison wait for him. This is what it takes to win in 2025. That's right.

That's right. The most dad thing I thought when I saw the video was not necessarily like, oh, this will work or I don't know, your insurance isn't going to like this. It was like, oh, your water bill's going to be crazy, bud. Boy, boy, you've really signed up for a hell of a water bill next month. The equivalent of like a bunch of baths, like a few baths, I guess. Yeah, like if you gave your whole restaurant a bath. Also, I don't really know, like, he's like, well, you know, clean up will be easier.

And I'm like, sure. I mean, they took all the appliances out. So they did, like, there was some prep work that they had to do to pull this off that was like, okay, I can see the benefit of that. But I kind of also felt like, well, just take everything out and just leave. What if you, I mean, you're first, we're getting rid of the mud. So that's good, right? We're replacing mud with water already. For some amount of time

This isn't like a full proof This will work forever plan Well yeah Then you bring through more water Sure Think of the water temple In Okerina of time Right?

Just constantly cycling water Did you see any filth in there? Did you see any health inspectors in there? I like that this is Now you're talking about this Kentucky restaurant And are like climbing the rafters So he could like Play the right tune

And raise the water higher in his restaurant I mean once you're in the water temple you're not fucking leaving. You're going to sell a lot of chicken in that place, right? So, you know, and additionally, like, I didn't see any mold in there. I didn't see any disease in there or I didn't see any dead bodies or anything. We're talking about it, aren't we? Heck, shit.

You know, I could go for some Kentucky drowned chicken. What an amazing time. Hi, Holly. Have you seen the video of the Kentucky restaurant that in Texas? Holly, weigh in. Is this good or bad? That intentionally filled its space with five feet of water to keep the dirty flood water out by creating sort of like a pressure barrier? If convection didn't exist, that'd be a really good idea.

Sure. Sure. That's right. It's a great idea. No, on principle, I don't hate this. Yeah. Yeah. Also, is this a good time to say that I took an edible last night before bed and woke up at like four in the morning with a tat with my phone in my hand in bed and just a browser tab.

open to the Zaxby's front page for no reason. Get ready. Say ready so you don't have to get ready. I mean, once those prices start going up, so chicken tariffs hit, you've got to stock up. Wake up Zach's up. That was good. You're ready

to go. Zach's the day. Now, I will say, I also rearranged my home screen. I'm not really sure what I was doing there. Replace the Twitter app with Zaxby's app on your phone. The what app? Special salute to everyone who is

purchasing some shit they don't need right now and justifying it to their family by like, well, if I don't get it now, it's going to be $5,000 tomorrow. Yeah. Man, I tell you all to get vanilla, but tomorrow when you hear this is going to be too late. Listen, if I don't get a four-wheeler,

this country's in trouble. The fucking president's a moron. I got to get an ATV. This cocaine's going to be so much more expensive once those tariffs get in. Listen. Yeah, you know But do you know who hasn't betrayed you in this era? I'm going to flip these three jet skis, okay?

I'm going to flip them. You know who won't betray you in this era of insane economic policy and stupidity? Are you about to say your cocaine dealers? Drug dealers are 100%. No, value. Total value. Still delivering value to. Huh, boy.

Territ free. Spencer, are you saying that now is the time to start up a drug operation? I'm going to encourage more. broadly what the entire thing that the entire events that spurred the creation the the the ideas behind the wealth of nations by adam smith came as a result of the question of what is there to do about smuggling that's it tariffs duties and customs square group you want to talk about return we everybody's like return to an era of more classical restraint and governance bullshit We're bringing piracy pets. Pirates, pirates, pirates, pirates. The invisible hand full of pills.

Mr. Sir, can I say the worst thing I've said to you today? Oh, no. No, I wish you were a libertarian because you have an amazing voice for it. Thank you. Not your regular voice, the one that you just did. Those podcast numbers would be crazy. Oh, my God. Maybe we should just do that.

We should just pivot. Let's just pivot. Listen, you know how Omen's come in three? so we got the tariffs making it a right time for us to start a drug business we've got Spencer finding

his libertarian voice and we have the following headline from the Washington Post this morning Justice Department says it will stop enforcement against cryptocurrency fraud you know what fine

fine I'm only mad because I'm only mad because I don't know enough about to take advantage of this in the way that I would like. Is cryptocurrency fraud sort of like saying ATM machine? Yes, that was going to be, yeah, yeah. Listen, when the river froze, like, freezes over in Detroit, all you need to do, take a little red wagon, like the one that your kids got, loaded up with Canadian whiskey,

boom, baby, you got yourself a month's income there. We're going back to the lessons of prohibition. Did you see me pushing a whole rack of DVD players across a frozen, Lake maybe oh my god so we're all the way back to the events depicted in the documentary the Fast and the Furious where hijacking electronics were become a valuable criminal we all laughed oh how outdated that movie is how how how you know like uh what what what what an antiquated film from a previous era but no no that was the future all along not all of us laugh Ho!

Welcome to the Shutdown Forecast. Sorry, we're calling it the sovereign no tax now. Welcome to the sovereign full cast. Shut down flat tax. The shutdown flat tax. You load that car up with all of the frozen chicken it'll take. And you pile it straight through Glacier National Park. It's freelance.

Because that's yours. It's yours. All that frozen chicken? lowering your energy bill at the same time. That's right. The less you do the better society gets. That's a proven fact. What an insult that is toward the person to whom you're speaking.

The less you participate, the better it is for the rest of us. And they hear that and they're like, hell yeah. That's right. I need you to be more selfish. That's right. This is the Internet's only. Libertarian College Football Podcast. That's not true.

Boy, that's not true. The first time we've said that and actually have to recant. I know. There's a different, yeah, just tell me the difference between libertarianism and doing nothing. That's it. If you can just go ahead and tell me that I would really like to know. I actually wouldn't, don't ever tell me the answer to something I ask. I really don't ever want to hear it.

I am joined, as always, by Jason Kirk, Holly Anderson, Ryan Nanny, Michael Cerber. If you wonder who I am, Spencer Hall, didn't say that, but I got it there. Y'all, I wanted to talk to you, like, the first thing besides overthrowing the government and establishing a new perfectly free. Parity account. Parity account. But seriously, overthrow the government. You just say both of the words where it doesn't immunize you. Yeah.

But the thing that I wanted to start with, and it's the funniest thing I've seen this year, in the middle of what would be a record. reporting here on Tuesday. Last night, Monday night was the college basketball national championship game in the NCAA tournament. I saw Kelvin Sampson do something that, like, had me rolling for like five minutes. Please tell me you're talking about the whiteboard. I am talking about the whiteboard. I'm adopted. Never mind.

Do your thing. And then I want to say what I think would have worked about that tactic because I don't think he took it far enough. Pretty sure, early second half. Calvin Sampson, coach of the University of Houston Cougars. Houston. University of Houston Cougars. That was some sweet as chef shit, right? We already did this with a Monday.

Are you recording from the Puffy muffin? Arn! Did you say you need it? Arn and you diet? So, Calvin Sampson, of the Cougars, their coach, a guy who emphasized toughness, The guy, the team that played such a fullback ass brand of basketball that Bomani Jones said, looked like they practiced without a ball, like just beating each other up for fun. Awesome team playing Florida.

They were struggling at one point to defend Florida's resurgent offense. Kelvin Samson on the sideline per Tracy Wolfson doing a sideline report for CBS said, got out the whiteboard on a timeout, called everyone over for the timeout. And he brought them over and he had an important message for them. And he got out the whiteboard. And he wrote the word, toughness on the whiteboard. And then just like pointed to it. Can I tell you where I think this would have worked?

Where? LinkedIn? No, if you take, well, yes. But first, if you take the whiteboard, you scrawl toughness on it in big giant letters. And then you break it over somebody's head like Muppet shows through a drum style. Can it be your own head? Like a baseball player snapping a bat over their knee? I think this raises the question of,

does the board, once you have affixed the charm of toughness to it, does it then transmit via physical contact? Or is it more important to put on the show and the spectacle? See, you know, I wasn't thinking that he hit a player because they obviously have to go back out. I was thinking that he just turns to an assistant coach or a GA and just breaks this thing over their head. But bashing himself over the head and then coaching unconcerned as blood trickles into his own eyes for what is already, especially for basketball, this is hard to do in basketball, a very program coach.

Yeah. And thus beloved by us, that might have been, I don't know if it would have been enough to overcome the presence of Ted Cruz, but that might have been a lot. Can we talk about that briefly? Oh, please. We ought to. I'd like to send a message out to our friends at Electronic Arts. I want you to consider something for the next iteration of the college football video game. I think Ted Cruz should be in the game, and here's how.

I think when you are playing as or against any school from the state of Texas, I think randomly, not every time, Ted Cruz should show up in the crowd and be featured prominently. As just like, can you kill him in the game? Nope, nope, he's just there. He's just an unkillable curse. Okay. Yes. I don't think you can kill anyone in the college football game.

And here's what I want you to do. Electronic Arts. I want you to not make any comment about whether this does anything to the game. I don't want you to tell me or anyone else. Maybe the Ted Cruz presence does in fact affect the ratings of the Texas team, of whatever team he's rooting for. We could potentially take this beyond Texas, but I don't know if we need to inflict that upon the whole. nation. But I want you to keep that a secret and leave it to yourself just because players will have to wrangle with it. Like I think this is a good way to introduce like

a little bit of a little bit of drama to the game that you know people can figure out and people can sort of like hack their way through. But what do you, how do you master wrangling with the the concept of the Ted Cruz curse and whether it's real and whether it's hurting you right now. That's all. I just think you could slip this into the game. It would, I mean, it'd do great social media numbers. I'll tell you right that. The first time

somebody's playing his A&M, they'll be like, holy shit, I just threw a pick and Ted Cruz was in the opposite end zone. What the hell? Yeah, think of the memes. Yeah. Ryan question. Would you see him in the initial pan across the crowd before the game start? Or is this something, like, would you see him before he affected

in-game mechanics, or would you only spot it in, like, the cheering crowd of your opponents after? I kind of want this randomized, too. I want some games where when we're doing the intro graphic, it's like, oh, my God, Ted Cruz is already here? Shit, what does that mean? But I want some where you're, like, into the third quarter and you're like, okay. Like, last night is a good example.

That was the effect last night when the post, Houston Chronicle posts up, hey, by the way, Ted Cruz is here. Houston was up by, like, seven at the time. And then they lost. I think Bubba Prog recorded this that they were up 11 and ended up down two between the time he was announced there and the close of the game, which again, they lost. The other version of this you have is rumors of Ted Cruz.

Oh, 100%. When the game, like, you know, Kerr-Kirp Street starts saying, like, you know, folks, I think I just saw it. A lot of big names here today. Or you get like the social media feed once they bring that back and include the shutdown forecast, of course. Maybe we're reporting on Ted Cruz's whereabouts. That's our job. I like that this for two additional big reasons.

One being when they put his face in the game, his disgusting, horrifying visage, the CFB 25 itself had some interesting faces. Let's just put it that way. So like taking Ted's face and running it through that filter, you're going to get a creation. You're going to get something shit you've never seen before. It's going to look lynchian.

The other thing is, I mean, I like what a video game went towards the And the rules kind of flipped. The pressure goes up. It increases, right? The game sort of senses that both players are kind of at a standstill. We're just going to throw a big, a big boulder in the middle and make them deal with it. And that boulder's name is Theodore Cruz. Yeah.

And because this is a video game as well, I want this to be an obstacle you, the player, can overcome. Like, it's one thing to be like, I won the SEC with Texas A&M in the video game. Sure, great, whatever. If you did that shit and Ted Cruz was at every home game, oh my God. imagine psychologically too if you are playing this on it you know what I would love about this is if it was uncontrollable and deployed irrespective of what difficulty level you're playing on because imagine you are you know imagine you are cruising you are cruising along at what is a comfortable difficulty setting for you with say A and M and you're on like the next to the last game of the season and you haven't seen him yet sure just like even even when he's all All of this feels very Texas A&M to begin with. Even when he's not there, he starts to affect things because you never know, just like in life. Yeah, the sky's turning kind of greenish orange and the music's, my God, is that Ted Cruz's late motif.

It's terrible. It's very resident evil nemesis, right? You're being hunted by Ted Cruz. You're as Baylor, you're scheduling all your road games for very far away. You're going to Yukon and Hawaii. He knows. He'll find you. a body that looks like it was designed in

Star Fox. We know there's one thing he loves to do, and that's not be in Texas, so wherever you are, he'll find you. Man. That's all. We got to tag him like a shark or something. Just just, just, just sneak it into the game

quietly, yeah, you don't have to announce it. Punch a tag through his ear, just so we can have a little blip. We have secured Ted Cruz's NAL rights. You said to make an Easter egg of him. I thought we're going to escape that. That's how we'll lure him.

We'll lure him into the trap. It's in the game and in my clutch. Hello, Houston. Oh, the warmth and moisture of the San Antonio Riverwalk. The eggs of Texas are upon you. Are within you. Be ovipositive, kids. I am.

No. So that's our free idea for EA Spice. Yeah, there you go, E.A. You don't even have to credit us. Two ideas. Put Ted Cruz in the game. Second idea, I'm holding a whiteboard and pointing to toughness. Toughness.

These are the two scenes you see after every play. One of the two. If you played well, Spencer praises your toughness. If you play poorly after you look at Ted Cruz. Like in Mario 2, or in the end of Mario 2 and Mario 3, where you could, like, play a random slot machine game for free lives. Oh, yeah, sure. What if it's that at the end of every game, but it's depending on whose head you break the whiteboard over, you get a certain amount of rewards, but you don't know whose noggin contains, you know, the gold bricks. Oh, that's fun.

No, I like that. is it your life might be or you could just point to a fucking whiteboard that says toughness in the middle of a basketball game after you've just spent the last eight months driving these kids into the ground and getting them to run five minute miles on a basketball court and chasing loose balls as part of a 30 minute kill drill average mile time is like 516 that's insane and I want to And I looked up mile times for basketball players thinking, oh, there's no way. It's absolutely no way. I mean, that's soccer. With my dumbers. Well, with my dumb ass forgetting, you can run a pretty fast mile if you're 6'8, you know, and you're in shape. And most of them are, most of them are doing, you know, like, like in the fives.

Like, apparently, if you run a six minute mile as the center at the highest level, that's pretty slow. Which means, I'd like you to imagine Shaq running a seven-minute mile. What happened to the game I love? What happened to Rick Smits? What happened to Kurt Rambis? The sick thing is those guys probably were running like a six-minute mile. But it looks slow. Even that shit looks slow as hell.

It's like a giraffe running where you go, oh, they don't look like they're moving. Oh, God! It's not really moving, but it's already there. Yeah. yeah and now it's kicking my tent over yeah by by by it i mean rick smits how this giraffe get eight rebounds already got down yeah he's on fire yeah so that's what i'm doing just pointing to toughness toughness thank you i'm inspired to podcast now i'm a podcast tough i just watch you jump face first into like the steel base of a basketball hoop, right? Like, I just watched you do that

and I felt the need to write toughness on a whiteboard to remind you you just took an elbow in the chest from Florida's center and didn't flinch. But hold on, hold on. I got a marker. Still, bass.

Just a little reminder here. So, Spencer and Ryan, how are you feeling about being the men's basketball champs? How did you, did you wake up today feeling so much different from yesterday the sky seemed brighter I guess it just made me realize

that basketball is super easy Huh If Florida can win it Like Florida's won three basketball titles So like why is Indiana taking forever To win another one? Yeah What's the deal?

It's not hard Yeah If you're an Indiana basketball fan Call in Answer the question Answer the question I think they're just letting everyone else Answer the question

I mean like They're more of a football school Right technically that may be accurate yeah how do I feel that not that great not that great

no for a lot of reasons didn't do much for you I mean you know it's like oh cool the Gators won which ones let's not fucking talk about it huh yeah I feel fine

like I'm I am happy for the players and I am happy for the fans who are happy all of them great And I could leave it there. Well, no, I'm never happy for all the fans who are happy, but I don't have my list with me. Sorry, I was trying to get you and do a blue sky called a sack there.

You're too wily. Sorry, go ahead. How long until you use this to talk shit, though? That's a good question. I've already been in a couple of group texts where people were surprised that I haven't. So it will happen at some point. So you've won more basketball titles in the last 20 years than Florida State won football games last year.

Okay, there it is. There it is. Yep. That is helpful to remember. 100%. Yeah, that's good. I would also, if you want to talk about talking shit, we've done Indiana, we've done Florida State, right?

Let's see. The big two. We've hit the big two. You can't even have. Emissies. Like you can't hit certain people. Like you can't hit with Georgia because you go, well, Georgia basketball. And they're like, yeah, yeah.

We've already established Georgia as the only standard bearers for the SEC, the only ones who believe in tradition, the only staunch holdouts of traditional SEC basketball, the Georgia Bulldogs. I think that's LSU's men's program. I think if you want to hurt Georgia's feelings, you say, when was your last gymnastics title? that's how you get them now we're cutting um i think partially my response is muted because uh we came really close to an auburn duke national championship games and i feel like a lot of relief that that wasn't the world that we lived in for a lot of reasons it's is it weird to contemplate a notion in in or is it weird to contemplate a scenario and i think we just had one in which duke is not one of the two teams you least want to see in the final

I feel comforted that there was enough pushback against that because there was an argument made that like, well, this, you know, you don't have to hate Duke in the same way you did. And it's like, no, we kind of do. Like, this is, I think this is the thing people sort of thought about Notre Dame. And granted, like, we have backed off Notre Dame because they have a coach we don't all hate. It's also been a long time since they went four and eight. It has, but also, like, we all still kind of hate Notre Dame.

Florida State one. I think for me, this is, I think some basketball fans saw how football fans were like, I don't really hate Notre Dame all that much. And they're trying to do that with Duke. It's not going to work. No. It's different. I mean, boy, you want to know how not latent that is.

You want to know how long it took to reheat that, right? Like that old, listen, that needle, that needle still bites so pretty, right? Because the minute that Duke went down, the minute that Duke, like, started. to collapse. Oh, the people rose up. The people who had said, oh, maybe we should be more moderate toward Duke. And Duke was like, ah,

so tired. Everyone was like, die, die, bitch. Duke was like, oh, my win probs 97% and I'm going to lose. And everyone, the entire timeline, has the exact same meme of the guy from the TV show with the gun in his head and the picture. General public, so goddamn mercenary,

don't ever believe it if they can run back to that pacifier if they could go back and take another hit pacifiers are important devices for self-soothing and I think it's great that we all got to share the same one that sounds gross but it wasn't

it was beautiful but in uncharted territory which way did the river run right back to mama that's right right back to like what feels good right back to the teat of dukeating water found its level and that level fucking hates Duke. It's like Duke got invited to the party

that had never got invited to of likable teams and everyone was so nice. And then at one point they were like, they were like, now it's time to stuff you inside the bear and give you to the spring fairies. Yeah. I feel like Duke got like a foot inside the door though.

Like it wasn't a thing where it's like, Duke is like letting its guard down like, oh, they really like me. It was like, this isn't a trick this time, right? Bang! It's already revealed That's how far they got in the door And there's some Notre Dame shit there

At work as well Because they've got a coach who's just like a guy As far as I know I don't pay a whole lot of attention Because it's not terrible He is very dukeish But he's not the old guy Right right

I don't personally know About his family's history As slum lords or whatever Sure Sure John Shire has an interesting like background because he grew up as yeah yeah Shire grew up as like a god in Chicago basketball right like no but like he has a reputation of being like he does not have the Duke

reputation of being like oh man he's like Christian Leitner Part 8 and we absolutely hate him no people are like John they were like John Shire is it like he's cold that's a like he is absolutely nasty and everybody really respected him. And then he suffered like an injury that ended his career, basically. And he was never the same. So even their coach is like, last night there was a remark where somebody was, uh, where Grant Hill, they were talking about, well, what would, you know, because at one point, um, Florida was struggling shooting. They're like, well, you know, what would coach K have done when you were struggling? And Ein Eagle was like, I'm sure he would have given you a hug and

encouraging words, basically making a joke of like, What a crazily abusive man he could be at the dead times. Damn. So I'm on his Wikipedia right now for John Shires, that is. So his final four college choices coming out of high school were Arizona, Duke, Illinois, and Wisconsin. His high school coach was Illinois coach's, Illinois coach Bruce Weber's brother. And he still didn't go there. That's fucking, ooh, that's cold.

Wow. So what do you think of your brother? I will also say it was I really did want South Carolina to win another title in the women's bracket or at least I wanted that game to be not the pasting that it was like without any shade to Yukon like God damn why are you not trying to shade Yukon what could that possibly I like the players I like the players on this Yukon team and I I don't hate that Gino's getting kind of soft. I feel weird saying it.

That's fine. That's fine. My favorite... I'm glad he's soft. Expose your belly. Let us cut it open. My favorite R.A. thing is the...

He tries to retire like five times per season thing. I'm fucking sick of this. I can't take it. The kids these days, da-da-da. And then he's just back at work the next day. Yeah. It's so good.

Yeah. It's good shit. Yeah. This is the thing, like, one of my favorite Holly, like... Oh, Jesus. Like, stances.

what are you about to get me canceled for good good no that i respect that when that when gino comes up or when one of your beefs in women's college basketball comes up it is delivered with the ferocity of somebody who wants someone dead it is delivered like oh it's like a blood feud it's it's blood feud yeah and i love that i will say it again it's i think that tennessee twitter would not have its lately learned earned reputation if we had all been online in the 90s because y'all would already know this about us. That's fair. If you, if you went to, if you ever went to a basketball game with Pat Summit coaching in the 90s in Thompson bowling,

I have said so many legally actionable things against Gino, against Tara Vandermere, against Muffy, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that I have heard that I have heard you this is why I get along with Alabama people I've heard you take out blood oaths against like blood curdling blood oaths against like some of women's college basketball's luminaries I love I love that it won't be true equality until I can cyber bully the leading lights of women's basketball in the way that it's just accepted for people to cyber bully men that's the quality. Yeah.

We're going to get there. Yeah. One day, one day God willing, a bomb threat will simply be a bomb threat. Spencer, you, you, you want to talk about something else. I love Paige Beckers, and that's a problem for me emotionally. I fucking love that kid. I don't like this feeling. I can't even watch Diana Tarasi on television.

I have to leave the room. So upsetting. um i wanted to talk about being 500 today that is being years old that's right i didn't know that close zap con zap you've been zapped no wonder you want to go back to pirate days old man i've still got the gear a crown royal bag that black beard himself gave me um yeah i wanted to talk about being 500 because one of the best running gags in sports for a long time was with dearly beloved coach jeff fisher and the fact that he would kill 500 every fucking year and thus maintain perfect eligibility for employment as an NFL coach did he embarrass you no

did he impress you no did he take a check that man took a check you know what you got so if it was good. Some of it was bad. And at the end of the day, you came out about 50-50. You could go eight and eight. Maybe you went seven and nine. Maybe you went nine and seven sometimes, but you were never far off it. That meant me think. Do you know, real quick, do you know what his career winning percentages? I do because I looked at it up for this. Okay, good. And it is an extremely humorous result in my opinion because really in life where do you want to come out ahead

and Ryan where is Jeff Fisher's winning percentage career wise he's 512 he's on the right side of winning that's that's over if this number is right 339 games

that is correct like holy shit that was a long time Doing that on purpose would be impossible. It would be so hard. It would be so hard to coach three. Think about how hard it is to get to the point where you're like, the NFL will let me coach for 22 years.

And what is my impact on the game? Basically a few more wins. That eight wins, eight wins better than we would have been with nothing. I mean, that man probably, that man, about 20 years, right? Okay. 22, yeah.

Yeah, so there's a very real chance that man made over $80 million coaching. Sure. Maybe 100 mil. Like, that's possible, right? Probably 80 mil. So we can look this up. I want to know how much you got for every win above 500.

Right? Like, it's probably a sport track question. But, like, we can go and find out what his replacement was. None of this information is public, is it? his contract info we'd have to like piece it from like very old reports and stuff yeah yeah yeah but but like he came out ahead but just barely like it was the most that man has the most expensive marginal gain of any coach any this is how we should refer to standings like are you above 500 or are you above jeff fisher 500 because then you're you're noticeably above five

Yeah, well, we need to track this for college coaches, right? We really do. We need to be like, how much are you paying to be just, just over 500? Right? Yeah. That's it. Jeff Fisher, the ultimate lover, because you're going to get some, and he's going to give some. And you're going to get a little bit more.

A little bit more. You make it really hard for me to not say anything sexual about Jeff Fisher, and I've been very good so far. I think it's fine if you do. Say that now. Yeah. I mean, like I said, I'm pretty sure, as with all things, Jeff Fisher, you know, it'll be fine. It'll be great.

It won't be terrible. It'll be about right here in the middle. But I want to talk about, first of all, I did want to ask, what sport do you think you could be a 500 coach at right now? Any. 500. Like, walk in, I'm going to get you guys to 500. Do I get to pick my team?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's fine. You can. Baseball. Yeah. Okay, sure, I can take, I can, I can, I can lead Ohio State of 500. Sure. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, I'll just, I'll just, uh, empower my assistance. Let's put it that way. I mean, that is what they did. I can call timeouts. In the post-tattoo gate, like, deepest valley, recent valley of the program, that's what they finished, 500. Sure. Yeah, we got you.

Like, no shade to Luke fickle. I'll be shot, but. Okay. But Ryan, you said baseball? I think baseball, yeah. Do you think you think you could actually intentionally coach Ohio State to 500? Or do you think they're too going to fuck off? Oh, so you're not saying just 500 or better.

You're saying exactly 500. I'm going to advance it. Interesting. Do you think that you could do it? I know you could do it probably with minimal effort and mostly accidentally. Do you think you could intentionally get them to 500? This is a bigger challenge. I get what you're saying.

This would be hard for an experienced coach. I think so because, like, Like, ultimately, I have the power to, uh, you know, hijack play calling or change the lineups or, um, I could, I could, like, intentionally get players kicked out. Just, you know, tell them to go, hey, hey, I want all of you to go shit in the end zone, which at that point, now the fans no longer want to shoot me. Now they love me. Um, I think there are enough ways. Also, like, I'm going to tell, I'm going to tell the, I'm going to tell the fans, Buckeye Nation, listen, we're just tanking for draft stock. Maybe I'll try that.

But I think there are enough ways to throw a game that I could wipe out six wins. It'd be hard. They're so talented. It would still be really hard because you go, oh, we'll start the third stringer. And you're like, the third stringer's going to win. Third string is incredible. Third stringer was Joe Burrow at one point. Yeah, you're going to have to look at the third string at Ohio State and be like,

son, I need you to go out the night before the game. You and me. We're heading the town, buddy. I'm taking the whole O line out for drinks. How many? All of them. Who says I'm putting a quarterback at quarterback, though? Oh.

You know, like, backup punter. So much it got. Of course, that kid was probably high school quarterback. Would that be, do you think that would be the easiest way to, I think that's probably the most efficient way to land at 500 is to get the most talent you have available and then dial down from there? Or is there, I mean. Is there a case to be made for a team in another conference, one of the conferences where,

say, like, could you do this? a conference where you have a ton of talent, but there's only a few really good teams clustered at the top, like less talent than Ohio State. But could you pull this off at Clemson more easily? Because you might not have as much talent in the stock room, but you have easier competition overall. I think I would prefer to have the six guaranteed wins and then I figure out the losses. That does sound like fun. Spencer, because like, I mean, I, I mean, I I've fucked up enough Madden rosters for LOLs that, you know, like John Boyce's Madden series.

No one's done it as brilliantly as him, but everybody's done a version of that. Spencer, I've got a rules question. Yes. Do you have to lose the six games without detection? Like, does it matter if people catch you throwing the game? I would assume you have to be. Yeah, I was going to say,

I assume you'll get fired if you get caught. In that case, can you just go one-in-one? They resign. The gentleman's 500. I've done it. Bye. You'd be the most beloved coach in Ohio State history if you just did that. Fired yourself.

Fired yourself. They'd be like, finally, somebody did it. I've been telling him to kill himself for years. Somebody gets it. Finally. Somebody gets what this program is all about. I think you would have to avoid detection, right? Like for the good of this enterprise, for the integrity of this enterprise. you would want to have as little integrity as possible with maximum concealment.

As again, a major college football coach. Yes. I think, the reason I think this would work in baseball is I would show up, and this wouldn't work in football. It wouldn't work in a lot of other sports, but I think in baseball I would just show up and be like, okay, what do you guys want to do? And that would be it.

And I think, I think if you took a major league, like a decent major league roster, like middle of the salary rankings, and you just, you just were like, I don't know, just, I'd go out to the pitcher, you want to stand or not? It's up to you. Do you want to, do you want to, hey, hey, you on the bench, do you want to pinch it? Do you want to play right field today instead?

Like, just leave all the decision making in the hands of the players. Players coach. I think that we would like, fish tail our way to, like, 81 wins and 81 losses. I love, like, don't you want to be the pitcher? Huh? Don't you want to be the star in the mound? Whatever you want to do. It's your time. What do you want to do, dude?

Hey guys, we won yesterday, so tomorrow, we're just going to have fun out there, all right? Yeah. During the live game. Remember when your dad wouldn't let you play catcher? What if you did? I'm your new dad. What if you did? You show them.

You can squat and hold fingers, right? Look at that. You're catching. Bartolo, Pinch Runner. Go steal second. Sure. On it, boss. I do like, by the way, I do love the idea that baseball has so much room for randomness and so much time that really like the question of are we going to go 500, are you going to go 333? Are you going to go 7? It doesn't seem to me that there's a whole lot. And they're like, man, the manager did a lot to make that happen. I'm like, baby? Yeah. In baseball, there's so many games that it's like, wow, this team is incredible. They lost.

62 games. You know what I mean? Like every team is... Doesn't feel that. Every team far from five, unless you're the White Sox. Every team has... Here's the A.L. East last year, just because they're the first one that comes up on Google.

The Yankees finished 12 games over 500. The Blue Jays at the bottom finished seven games under 500. Everybody else is in between. The Red Sox finished exactly 81 and 81. That's five different teams playing each other, competing games. against each other, and they all end up in the range of 4.57 to 580. Like, there are some actual bad teams. The White Sox went 253 last year. The Angels went 389. But, like, you're pretty much, almost nobody is going to, the Dodgers did this, but

almost nobody's going to win 60% of their games. And most of these teams are going to win at least 42% of their games. So, like, it's just a very narrow, it's just a very easy path to get to. There's so fucking many of these that it's like, it's a given, like, yeah, you're going, everyone is going to lose 60 games. So all I got to do is figure out how to only lose 21 more than that. That's fine. I can do that. Yeah. I mean, you could just, like, get really creative in June.

Who's watching? Sure. Yep. I mean, there's also this, like, not only you're going to lose 64 games. And not only are you going to look bad one game. You're going to look like dog shit 20 or 30 times. 100%. 100%.

Then you're going to look great 81 times. Yeah. You're going to lose a game 9-0 and nobody's going to care. They'll forget about it. Within 48 hours, no one remembers it. Just wasn't our day. It was too hot. Who cares?

We'll get them in three hours when we play again today. Oh, we hate playing in Milwaukee. That's it. Yep. Everyone knows. Can't do shit there. Anyway, we're on to Tampa There's so much baseball

That it all ends up curving towards the middle Yeah, that's a good choice There's room for like very good and very bad And everyone else is like, I don't know Let's see if we can win 86 games this year That'd be cool College football really is the hardest sport to do this Because it's like one game

Just completely defines everything You're fucked, completely fucked Yeah Like if you lose If you lose by the equivalent of 9-0 In college football they're like You may not be able to do this job.

You lose one game in college football. It's the equivalent in baseball of losing, what, like 15, 20? Now, the thing, tactically is the answer to this question, soccer, because you can send your guys out there and say, we're just playing for zero, zero. Every game, we are just playing for a clean sheet and we're not trying to score, and we're going to get to 500 by virtue of toss. We're lining all our guys around the box. Yeah, we're keeping all 11 back.

the entire game crowd will love it depends on the crowd they really might there's some soccer crowds who are like nothing's happening this is football

and so the chess match begins yeah like Bilbao who will be the first of a piece yeah Italian crowds are like

oh so much passionate nothing happening now there's less to distract from our racist chance where's the fake dick eagle man fake dick there he is yes

I love it celebrity his pants are bursting with the excitement that one can only get from watching a zero zero match zero it looks like balls yeah awful yeah I think that's right

you could but at the same I feel like, I feel like you're hamstrung by the stupidest man in the village, in his village, who's also the most talented soccer player on Earth, right? Which is a combination. You're like, you're like, that man has a five IQ. He is scared of the sun. If you put a soccer ball at the end of his foot, he can put it in from 50 yards.

Yeah, it's a risk. You're right. Yeah, he can dribble past 20 players to get to the net. And then afterwards, he will attempt to commute in a brand new Lamborghini. guinea across some of the worst roads in europe yeah that's that's like that happens in soccer because you could try that zero zero shit and all of a sudden bloop own goal off of your uh your defender shin whoops well so with all the energy we've saved by standing there for like 49 minutes we can go get a goal oh yeah mad dash at the end yeah shit shit shit shit shit everyone

which is great because if you watch one of those extremely negative teams, which this happens in American football, too. But if you watch one of those extremely negative teams, it is like watching a fat man run after the bus. It is like, okay. We got a lot? How? How far?

That thing when you watch a team that's like, well, they've attempted nine passes and now they have to do the two-minute drill in a minute ten. What do they have to do? Connect 22 perfectly aligned passes through a defense that's got ten back or eleven back. And it's like, Navy's got to go 47 yards in three

minutes. We're not going to score at all. But in the opportunities where strategically we've decided it's been dictated to us that we have to score, we're going to have to score on the longest odds possible against the toughest defense possible. So I don't know. Soccer, I think, yeah, you can probably keep a general base, but like you could get some really nasty variants.

Yeah, when it fails, it'll fail back. I think with soccer, the key is to make people think you're doing something experimental, right? Like you've developed a new type of soccer. strategy and just give it a really a really classical sounding name and yeah let's give let's see how it plays out this is this is inventive this is creative right also yeah also yeah and on that note also in soccer you can do some stuff strategically for reasons that I think will fly or won't seem entirely suspect that may seem suspect in others if you're trying to conceal the effort to come out with a certain result for instance you know you could be the national team coach

and be like, I just don't think he matches well with everyone. You're like, he scored 70 goals last season, and you're like, we don't get along. It's a personality thing. So I'm not going to start him. He bums everyone out. Yeah, and they'll be like, he's a bell end, as opposed to being like, ah, he's cheating. He's trying to come out with a perfect 500 record for the purposes of podcast record. Yeah.

I feel like I could, I feel like baseball is a good bet, but the one that I chose and I thought, man, I could probably come out. 500 would be, if I were a cross-country coach, if I were a cross-country coach. And I say this because with cross-country, you can pick a pace, you can adjust that pace, there is a team dynamic, and you could literally, you could say, mid-race, you could stand there and be like, stay behind those guys. That's it. And you could come out, I feel like very, very, if you could gamble on cross-country, which, boy, if you're doing that, I have some numbers you should correct. Roger, are you gambling on cross country? Bud Elliot.

I know you're feeling me. You're picking up what I'm putting down. Blood somewhere like, shit, how do you find out? He better not be... Covers blown. So, Spencer, you're saying, like, I'm telling you to stay behind those guys. And they're like, okay, and then we pass him at the end. No, no, no, no.

That's the genius part. No, no, no, no. Straight drafting, homie. I need you to pull up. Like Cal Norton, but never pull the slingshot. I need you whispering in their ear the entire last five miles. That's right. I need you paste them, all right?

Then we're going to pass them. No, keep pace them. Encourage them. That's it. Encourage them. That's right. Oh, so they'll get tired and they'll use all their gas. Nope.

It doesn't matter if they do or not. I think this will work if you can like put it into LinkedIn Sun Zoo speak of some sort. Like if you can convince everybody like, ah, the war of. the mind is long and you have to be you have to learn to be third before you can be second

sure that's right and then next year that's right when I'm gone when I'm gone and I will have been I will have set off every single alarm and

parimutual gambling by being the only person placing money on an obscure cross country on show bets for cross country like whatever whatever little Muppet computer they have in the FBI

that goes off when somebody places a bet is on fire when I do this, right? Boss, you won't believe this. The old school printer going crazy running back and forth across the screen. Come quick. Someone bet on the Paul cross country to finish fifth. Like when somebody tries to run war thunder

on like a 25-year-old laptop, and they make a YouTube video of it literally bursting into flame. That's what happens. They're like, holy shit. This guy is the most gambler, gambler of all time. The NCAA would happily hear, oh, my God. They see for the first time in the gambling app,

the cross-country tab is open, and they're like, huh? They see you scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. They're like, my God, he's starting to believe. That Bama coach is like, let me in on this guy. Hold on. I'm going to put it on speaker. Let me call into a live radio show to place my bet there. That way, my bookie will hear me. Yeah, I'm talking to my friend, not an FBI agent.

He's cool. So I was shouting across a fully crowded street in the middle of downtown at my Buckey. The police station is right next to him. Hello, yes, I'd like to report a parley. It's by me right now. Hold on. I've got to put this on the app. I'm going to use this police van.

What odds will you give me on you arresting me? That'd be like he's the greatest of all time. He's the one. So, yeah, there. We went from my idea of both. coaching a cross-country team to 500 to committing grand larceny and wire fraud. So you brought up 500 coaches, perfectly mid-coaches. Perfect, like, literally the perfect mid of coach.

And by the way, I have, I have them in two bushels, okay? Actual 500 coaches, like coaches who are 500 on paper or their about. I have one that I want to mention is he's probably under. list but I want to point out something about them okay okay so I looked up every on sports reference every college football program that has been a at the major level 302 of them there are exactly five that are 500 all time most of them are schools that had been around for like a random year here or there like world war one that random year when like fcs teams counted as majors blah blah blah there is one actually still around as a major decades and decades of work

hawaii is 316 and 316 perfectly 500 over 52 years. Perfectly stone cold. You tell them, Hawaii just probably didn't kick your ass. Probably didn't, uh, probably left, probably left your ass as it was before. Their history, they have had 12 head coaches in this time, all right? One of them went 500 at Hawaii, the most Hawaii coach.

It gets less pleasant because of Ty Graham and that ended really, really bad because, you know, he said a bunch of bad. stuff, allegedly. But a coach went 500 at the 500 school, and I'm just marveling at the math of that. Also, very Todd Graham in that he arrived. And then he left. Very soon after that, he left, yes. He is now an analyst at TCU, I learned.

Huh. So there's that. So things are good. So things are going great at TCU. Yeah, things are great. It's fine. Things are awesome. That's fascinating.

Now, by the way, you can also be spiritually 500 because there are coaches to me who are spiritually 500. For instance, with his 590 win percentage across a vast amount of time, to me, Kirk Ferrence is a 500 coach at his heart. It's just that, you know, like that's what he cosplays as, but, you know, in reality, he's like a 590. 500 as in passing yards per season. Yeah, that's, take them where you want them. I don't care if you use them all in one game, maybe against Ohio State, but just use them all, but don't go over a 500. No, he's, in my heart, he's a 500 coach, even though he's more successful than that, according to the... He's 500 in terms of tactical aggression, but, like, strategically, this is a far more than 500 coach.

He's realized that, like, if tactics are dumb and bad, I'm just opt out of tactics, we're just going to do nothing but strategy. So, like, watching his teams do nothing feels very 500, but they're so good at doing nothing. And that's where you end up with the 590, I guess. Brian, do you have a 500 coach in mind? I also did a little research, and I'm pulling back from the archives for this one. So I decided to look and see how many. many times programs had gone 500 in a season. And it turns out Arizona State is a school that's really, really good at doing this.

I think they had 11 seasons in program history. Louisiana, I think, was slightly higher than them, but of power programs, Arizona State is really doing well. And I want to highlight Bruce Snyder. The coach of the 1996 team that goes 11 and 1, wins the Pack 10, comes within like a minute 30 of beating Ohio State in the Rose Bowl and winning a share of the national title. That is the outlier. In his first job at Utah State, Bruce Steiner's last three season were six and five, five, five, and one, and five and six. His second job was at Cal where things went better, but there's another five, five, and one season in there. And then this is

what he does at Arizona State. In three of his first four years, he goes six and five. Then in year five, they go 11 and one. And they have one more nine win season after that. And then here's how his tenure ends. Five and six, six and six, six and six. Bruce, like, for somebody who like had a good team that was a lot of fun to watch and almost won a national championship on the biggest stage possible, man, Bruce Snyder could get you a 500 season other than that with an impressive amount of regularity at multiple stops. The thing that really seals it for me is like to go 5, 5 and 1 multiple times, that's just special. Because it's hard to go 500 when you play 11 games, but Bruce found a way. Continually. Yeah. I hope, I'm going to go back and look at those

seasons because I really hope he was five and five got to the last game and said not today not today no no everyone gets to eat at this table wins and losses I um so Arizona State being the most 500 teams fascinating because Tom Todd Graham was there and he never went 500 there that would have been too much 500 no the only time he went 500 of course was at pit during his very brief and awkward stop there this is where we remind you Todd Graham was at Pitt that was a whole thing that was a thing that happened. In some ways, Todd Graham was always at Pitt.

He's the caretaker. If you go to the bar, there's a picture of him from 1927. Like if a story came out tomorrow that was like police, you know, during renovations at a pit facility, Todd Graham was discovered.

And actually, he never left, but like some fucked up clone of his broke, like trapped him there and has been Todd Graham ever since. So the real Todd Graham never left Pitt,

Would that shock you? No. Not at all. Okay. That'd be very normal to me. It'd be very normal. It's actually kind of surprising it hasn't happened. I would say that's so boring.

I knew that already, is what I'd say. I'd be so pissed if my clone got the Hawaii job, though. I'd be like, oh, come on. You know what? I'd be pissed if my clone fucked up the Hawaii job. Yeah, we'd be mad twice. It'd be like, first you got it, and then you lost it. You don't have.

And also, you ruined it. So I can't ever. have it. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's right. Now I'm the assistant at T.C. Now I'm an analyst at TCU. Thanks for nothing. Dumbass clone. Holly, do you have a 500

coach? I have a 500 coach that I think you're probably going to be mad at me about because he's a fairly recent coach. But I thought it was worth bringing up because I remember

vocally excoriating him on this show and anybody who would want this job. But Shane Beamer, after, I know, I know, he's a baby. But South Carolina, at the time we took it, was viewed as among the very most hopeless gigs in a power conference. Situated where it was in the SEC, situated where it was sharing oxygen with Clemson and we just kind of write it off

and then not only did they start winning, they start playing really good football. But starting from the 2021 season, our Beamer Boy is 29 and 22 in regular games and 1 in 2 in Bowls, which gives him a winning percentage of 0.55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55. I feel like Shane is the kind of guy who was...

I feel like, Shane is the kind of guy who would be like, I'm going to keep saying it. The number's not done, so I'm not done. It is a very South Carolina record to have because I can hear it as being a used car sale, right? Like, get off the lot with this used Ford Tempo, still going after all these years for just 55, 55. Holly, can I ask a follow-up question?

I wish you would. Do you think it's that Shane Beamer is a 500 coach or that South Carolina is a 500 program? Or is this a thing of where the two have met successfully? I want to make a very careful distinction here. I think South Carolina is like a 200 situation, not program. Okay. And the reason I say that is because of all the stuff that I just said,

I think it is like a 200 environment because it is surrounded by states with bigger population centers. It is in a conference that is stacked top to bottom where even Vanderbilt is bucking around and beating, you know, the top of the league. It shares a state with a recent national title power who is never going to stop coming for its ankles. and its neck. And I'm not going to say getting to 500 is an achievement because I think their ceiling is higher, but I was pleasantly surprised

just given the amount of tribulations that come with coaching South Carolina football, I was kind of shocked to see that he had a record above 500 after four seasons there. Thank you. That is helpful. It's not extraordinary, but I just thought it was interesting. that is having as having it as a 200 situation is a really great way of putting it because

there are very few coaches who have finished above 500 lifetime there and one of them died when he was there so so even if you go over 500 might not be good for your health wise it's hard like that's what I mean like I am not this is not a swipe at the program at all I have loved watching them play for the past couple years but It is hard. It's hard to win anywhere. But it is so much as actively working against you in this situation. And yeah, to even have a winning record of any sort feels like,

I swear I'm not foremouthing them, even though I love making server happy. But it feels mildly extraordinary to have those numbers right there. I have a couple of 500 coaches, all right. One relate. One is about a journey from 500 and about when you go, I don't know, should we fire this guy or how long do you wait? And it's one that I've mentioned before,

but I don't think I've ever detailed it quite like this. There was a coach who took a really long time. A really good coach took a really long time to get above 500. And it is related to how, case. Shane's dad, Frank. Frank. What year of his tenure did he cross the 500 mark? What year? 15. I was going to say nine. Shit, Ryan nailed it. Okay. Nine. He crossed five. Like, if you were a

Frank Beamer hater, shit was so good to you for so long. You ate good for almost a decade, dude. You thought you had it made. I told you he ain't shit. Uh-oh. That's it. Man, I've been right for eight years. This will probably go on forever. No term limits to this shit.

I simultaneously hate it and grow strong from it. Because, like, he turned the team around and got them to, like, a six-win kind of thing. And in 1999, in 1992, they went two, eight, and one. Two, eight, and one. In 92, he turned. took the job in 1987, which is his sixth year? Uh-huh. God damn.

In his sixth year, he won dose. We wouldn't blink. That's done, right? That's done. Like, even considering that they, like, they were, you know, essentially a lower level-ish at the time, like, even still, yes. It's also, so they, they opened the year, they beat JMU, who was obviously not a D-1 team at the time.

uh then they beat two weeks after that they beat temple in between that they lost the ecu the tie was against nc state who was ranked at the time so there's some there's some you don't want that there's some advantage to that but yeah this is not this isn't like an inspiring two eight and one if such a thing could ever possibly dog shit that was his sixth season yes that's interesting that's what Mike Norvell is entering at Florida State. Huh. Listen, 28 and 1 would be an improvement

winning percentage wise on last year. Is it impossible? Thank you, Ryan. Yes. Bud's like, lock it in, lock it in if I can get that 2,8 and 1 on my head. And then, well, and then towards the end of his career, Frank sort of like, was like,

here's some more 500 for you. Yeah, but Frank Beamer. Frank Beamer, Frank Beamer did not even cross the Rubicon so far. in the pit was Virginia Tech football that they didn't he didn't get above 500 at Virginia Tech until year goddamn nine and then that one hater sustained off of hatred for Frank Beamer shriveled up and had to go dormant yeah that was that was the one case where I was like he didn't finish at 500 but for a long time buddy he had he had the courage to last

You thought you had it. Nine seasons. You thought you had him, didn't you? That you had him, fucker. There is another guy who is somehow, like, I thought his win percentage was better than this. And then I remembered how many quixotic challenges he took up as a coach, how many places, just wrote him a check and he showed up without really looking. That would be Howard Schnellenberger.

Howard Schnellenberger was in them minds for a long time. And he made a lot of mistakes. in terms of picking where he was going to coach next. And he ended up at 5-11. That man is right there in Jeff Fisher Territory at 5-11. Lost a lot of games at Oklahoma. Lost some games. He wasn't there for long.

Really couldn't lose too many. But yeah, he finished at 5-11. There are two current coaches, two current coaches who are at exactly 500. five hundred um i'm gonna throw a dart here justin wilcox you know that's a really good guess but no okay no that is not would anyone else like to proffer a guess how long how many years um at their current and this is 500 at their current their current stop mark stoop not career wise but

mark stoop's is so close man he like i am what if he is under right now. So last season probably fucked it up. Last season did fuck it up right now. And this is one of my favorite long bets to make is that Mark Stoops, like Mark Stoops will, if I had to make the bet with my brain and not my heart, because heart-wise, I'm like, finish it 500. Do it.

Finish it exactly 500, right? Because he's already got the most games coached at Kentucky. He's already the endurance king of Kentucky football. But to finish at 500, he's going to have to top. and even out what is right now a 67 and 72 record for a win percentage of 4-7-9. Wow. So I know this isn't correct,

but in the lineage of spiritually 500 coaches, we have to shout out Dave Doran. I know he's above 500, but... Oh, 100%. Is that every NCC... Is that just like the official record of NC State? Yeah. If you want to be truly an NC State guy,

you better feel 500. I agree. I agree. But yeah, he's better than 500. Which maybe another thing that we might want to repeat is Dave Doran's underrated. Yeah. Seriously underrated for the consistency that he has delivered. You know, he and Tom O'Brien.

Tom O'Brien's record at NC State, which I have just looked up. 40 and 35. Majestic. That's like that. Like, that, that's spiritually balanced speaking. I'm going to take one more guess. Two guys at their current stop. Oh, I thought you were doing lifetime.

I'm sorry, yeah, no, this is, there are two guys at their current stop. And these are both, these are both pretty big schools. Is Billy Napier one of these guys? Oh, Billy Napier is exactly five. God damn it. It hit my head. That was like, is probably this guy. Hit your head like a whiteboard with toughness written on it.

Toughness. Hold on. Everybody. Everybody come in. Come in. Look at this whiteboard. I'm going to write a word on it. Sandwich. I make $23 million here to write toughness on this board. Direct deposit. Cash by check. Write the check. Cash the check. Yes, Billy Napier at Florida is currently at a majestic 500. Undefeated. did since November 24, though. Of note.

The second. And he hasn't been there quite as long. Luke Fickle. Luke Fickle is 500 at Wisconsin. I forgot that one,

yeah. Yeah. Dave Miranda is my favorite close 500. Dave Miranda is at 508, and I'm like, it's so Dave Miranda to just,

you know, have your hands in the Lotus position, right? Be like, so close to be able to where is Venables? He, he's uh he's just slightly above he's like three games over or something around there it's not a lot

it's yeah let's see venables is currently 22 and 17 so by the skin of his skeletor like teeth okay he is currently above 500 fucking crushing billy napier though tell you what you know what right now i'm okay with billy being 500 because we can't play the mean trick of how many wins above 500 are you spending per wins right now we're like perfectly balanced it's all money is lost lost nothing and gained nothing stong sent forever down that's right

we're at a perfectly balanced trade situation with billy napier we do not need to tariff billy nafer got it No, no. We are not paying something like $70 million for one win above $500, right? We are going to, just not to distract. That Jimbo has not taken an analyst job anywhere? Yeah, you know, he's, yeah, he's an analyst. He's analyzing these deer up in this tree stand.

No, this is the rare ultra Jimbo compliment. Did he have a TV job that I, I don't remember him. That sounds like that. Yeah, okay. I don't know who. No, I'm saying this with awe and respect. He took his money and disappeared, which all of them should do. You're rich.

Hope he's whitewater rafing. Go fish. To quote Spencer Hall in the Channel 6 headline, bitch, you have a boat. You have a boat. Get on it. Leave this place. Listen, that man is made only one enemy in his retirement, and that is the deer population of the southeastern United States and possibly several.

different exotic locales around the world you know what he's doing this is what I hope he's doing I hope Jimbo Fisher has a gigantic Big Bug Hunter International in his playroom and I hope he wakes up and he's like hey they got this one were you in Zambia they got these crazy like killer baboons

I want to go hunt them and they're like Jimbo those don't actually exist and he's like they're about to and then they're about to not yeah they don't exist it that's because Jimbo's on the case Piaf-ha-ha-oh Oh, they exist.

They're just real quiet now. Yeah. Yeah, they're real still. I got a couple of them on my wall. That's right. They've got these mean demon crocodiles of Venezuela. God, demon crocodiles. I called the video game company.

It's like an amazing Roger Corman movie. I had this specially made so I could hunt big bird all damn day. Follow that bird. Don't mind if I do. The story about someone. He's a Chinese spy. I saw the movie about it. I shot down the balloon.

For my tree stand. I did it. I wouldn't know F-22. I'm still a bargain compared to an F-22. Oh, my God. There, there's the defense forevermore. Yeah, Jimbo, like, Jimbo is, I hope, just, like, doing side quests from Big Buck Hunter, right? Yeah, I've paid state employee check, but I can go out in the rain.

Yeah, y'all made fun of my contract, but, you know, who's single-handedly holding down these deer populations? Me? Jimbo, the deforester fisher. Yeah He's he's like full credit hall You're right Like he's the only one Who actually was like I have money

And I'm going to fucking disappear Ed is the other one Ed O did this too And Ed was very transparent about it Gene did it for a minute Before disappointing us all That's true But I like to feel he learned his lesson

I hope for his own personal happiness That he learned his lesson Mac Brown defensive coordinator Why does he wear Why does he wear a red Starfleet jumpsuit? You have a boat! That was the astonishing thing with some of these ex-coaches is when they're working TV,

they kind of like, they'll come to their co-workers and be like, do you guys have lives? This is crazy. Isn't this the same impulse that leads men to be like, I could get a point off Serena Williams? Just like the foolhardy belief in. oneself. What, that you won't go crazy in retirement?

I can, like, isn't that different to be like, I can fix the UNC defense? I can find, I can find an orangutan and win. You have to believe that, right? That's what got you there. I can fly a plane. Yeah.

It's real simple. What animals are we fighting this week? Oh, boy. Well, I'm going to turn on Big Buck Hunter International. It's right. Is there a hunting game where you can just pick any animal? Or have we invented something else?

Buckhunter is recently close. At this point, it's got a pretty broad zoolography. Yeah. Yeah. Like at one point, Big Buck Hunter was, hey, do you want to hunt some virtual deer? And then after five or six different iterations,

it was like, we're inventing demonic animals that you can go hunt in international locales and mystery intrigue. How did they never made the most dangerous game into a video game? I think that's just GTA at this point. It sounds like fun. Yeah, but you're not on an island. Oh, yeah, it is like,

like Far Cry, actually. You're right. Yeah, Far Cry. I'm playing Far Cry 6 right now. Did you know you have a crocodile friend whose name is Guapo? You have a crocodile with a gold tooth and a soccer jersey, and his name's Guapo. And he loves to eat. Oh, I thought you said Waffle. That was even more intrigued. That is beautiful. Yeah, you can also have a chicken.

As a friend? There's also a Doxon with his two back legs are wheels. His name's Cherizo. I have yet to recruit him, but. What game is this again, and how do I get it? It's the latest Far Cry fever dream. Yeah, we can do that. And it is an accurate representation. It's a documentary that you can play, basically.

So have some respect for it. We haven't come out with a new Big Buck Hunter edition since 2020. It was happening over there, guys. Because of it's woke, I guess. Probably. Trump take Big Buck Hunter. my pronouns are bang and you missed it listen i gotta buy this big buck hunter because these tariffs are gonna send new brides these wildebeest through the roof you kidding me honey i'm buying an arcade cabinet because trump fucked up the tariffs or you understand it's for the kids all these animals all these animals come from other countries they're about to be tariffed out the wazoo we gotta buy this big buck cutter right now we got hurry i see the price i can watch it tricking upward That's it.

I follow a Craigslist ad that's for Big Buck Hunter International. I get there. It's a mysterious mansion. It's very dark. All of a sudden, a gate closes behind me, and a voice in a West Virginia twang goes, Welcome to the game. Jimbo! You know it's bad when you turn on CNBC, and the analysts are telling you,

you got to buy the Time Cop arcade game. That's right. You need it in your home. Just trust me. We got to go. There's a yard sale. Skiball futures are skyrocketing. Get in there.

How'd you make it through the recession? Hustling at ski ball. I killed checking cheese. That's how. Wore his pizza is flashed. That E stood for not entertainment, but expendable. Damn. Should we do some podcast business?

Podcast business? What's the business? This has got to be our latest podcast business. And the business. Podcast business. Big book hunter, yeah. All right. All right.

We got no bucks. That's why we can do this late. We have, but one thing to discuss on this podcast business. I mean, y'all may have other things as well. But Holly, the hour approaches. Spencer, this is really your thing. You should explain it. The EDSBSBS charity bowl.

approaches. That's right. Next week, we are going to be launching the annual EDSBS charity bowl, raising money for new American pathways to support refugee services in the Metro Atlanta area. We do it every year. Last year, you lunatics set an insane bar, you cleared the million dollar mark. And let me say, all money is good money. I would like to smoke that this year, of course, because I I'm ambitious and competitive with myself. And petty. And petty because, obviously, because of extremely stupid fucking circumstances.

It means a little bit more this year. So, I would like to go ahead, throw that money down, challenge you. Starting next week, the EDSPS Charity Bowl, will be accepting donations in the form of a spiteful score. That's right. That's right. Are mine going to involve, am I going to make like a petty donation for Florida State for $2? Yeah, probably will. Probably just give you $2.

And then you can follow it up. And then credit card processing fees. Then Florida State had wins. You can follow it up with a petty donation for $10 for Florida State. Yeah, that's right for their number of losses. Yes, this is what we do every single year. You take your school. You pick the score of a game or a number that is particularly meaningful to you.

And you share it with us. And we thank you. and we show everybody how brilliant you are at the end of the week. A school will win the title by being the most generous university. Will it be Michigan? Who can say that they won a bunch of history about this again? Yeah, that's how we're going to frame it. Yeah.

You're going to let the... I need to say something. I have hope for Ohio State for the first time in the history of this game. There you have it, folks. They came on strong last season. You know, while historically we count, you know, a good half dozen Ohio stadiums among our nearest and dearest. They've never made a big splash in the bowl. They cracked the top 25 last year, almost hit the $10,000 mark in donations.

They have a national title to their name at this point, which they haven't had in a minute. But also, they have a truly spiteful encounter. with Michigan to avenge. It's time. I'm also weirdly carrying a little streak of affection for them based on the, God, while we're talking about ass kicking today, based on the genuinely good time that everybody I know had in Columbus apart from the score of the football game during the playoffs,

kind of makes me think there might be something there. There might be a little wellspring, a little font of hope and hospitality up there? I don't know. We'll find out. One other thing that we were doing in the run-up to the game, which again launches on Monday, April 14th, you can give us money before them. It won't count. I can't move it.

It won't be on the scoreboard. Sorry about that. We have already had, as of this taping, we have had seven people ignore us and donate, I think, like $625. I think that I should be allowed to keep all of the money that we raise before the game starts for myself, like free parking, unfortunately.

That's not how it works. We're working on a surprise. You can't donate until Monday morning the 14th. When we kick it off, you will know that that time has happened because it will be on new American Pathways, brand new blue sky feed, which they are launching to celebrate

both this year's bowl and their 10th anniversary. What you can do in the meantime, if you have an employer matching program at your place of work, go ahead and get that set up. We can count the amount of your employer match dollars towards your team score, but only if we can get that verified by your employer during Bowl Week. So by April 18th, so you have 10 days, nine days by the time you're hearing this,

to get your employer match verified and sent out. We're going to have email addresses for you to send these two. They're going to live in New American Pathways Blue Sky Feed. They're going to live on Channel 6 in a publicly available. document that you can download. They're also going to be sent to your personal email if you donated in a previous year and are on New American Pathways email list. They're going to be sent to you in an email that you were getting on Friday, this coming Friday. In the meantime, we're doing something kind of fun. We are, I hate to even tease this. We are attempting to launch something

for this year's game, and I sound like I'm walking the plank because I have no way of stress test. this contraption before it goes live, but something that we've wanted to do for a number of years. It requires a new vanity website name, and we have thrown out a challenge, because apparently I was told freelife insurance.horse is, quote, too ominous, and that people won't click on it. But if we had to come up with a second website to click over to our little special surprise thing, that's a little treat for you guys what would you guys like the website name to be

the winner of this contest whoever's website name that we use will get $100 donation from us towards your school's total I would like to read you just some of the clubhouse leaders

right now because we have currently 110 responses they are all fantastic AP Dirty Bird, thank you for pointing out that talking about the knolls.com is somehow still available. Bear Bloomberg, thank you for Spencerin-overalls.art. Wiley, thank you for money cannon.horse. Steven, thank you for the nannystate.info.

That's nanny as in our own special Ryan. Billy, thank you for Scott Frostday.biz. Cody, thank you for Refugees. A.I. Katie, thank you for With Clams in it.com. Lone Star Hoosier, thank you for run the damn ball. Bobo. I hope this gives you

kind of an idea of the vein that we are looking for and fire away. You have, I don't know, probably another couple of days to put that in. Spencer rejected my idea. What was your idea? Muppets Blue Velvet. What's wrong with Muppet Blue Velvet?

It's emotionally confused. sorry, goose meme. How is it emotionally confusing for you, Spencer? Sexually confusing for me. You know what? I asked. Got an answer, didn't you? Does anybody else have any other podcast business? None that could be greater than Charity Bowl,

barreling down the tracks, but still. Absolutely. I would like to go ahead and encourage everybody to subscribe to two things. Okay, one requires an email sign up. One more guys an email and, of course, a subscription. Okay. The first thing I would like to do is that Ryan and Gaffrey have a new thing. Oh, I don't trust this because you're telling me about it.

I want Ryan to tell us about it. No, no, no, I want to see what happens there. Yeah, yes. No, that's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's a good point. It's a new mysterious shiny thing, okay?

And what I need you to do is I need to go to www. Why do you need them to do that? Falcon Scott Productions.com. Okay. That's all in Falcon Scott Productions. Okay. Sounds fancy. And I need you to, yes, www.

W.W. Falcon Scott Productions. and I need you to go ahead and enter your email. Then you'll be prompted to confirm that email. And then I need you to sit tight because whatever's next is going to blow your ass out the world. This has Falcons in the name.

Should I be concerned? No, but yes, but no. Hard to say. The Falcons are always entertaining. Spencer, first of all, thank you. Great promo. Second of all. Yeah, see where that was going?

No, no. Where's this going? I fucking destroyed it. That's what I did. Great. I'm honestly, I have no words. You did such a good job.

My only thought throughout that was like, man, he never does this good a job promoting his own newsletter. I'm about to. I'm about to. But thank you, sincerely. I don't care.

It's my livelihood. You can read it or not. I wrote a thing. I didn't write a thing. I fucking destroyed it today trying to tell everybody about the most outlandish storyline in Formula One. That's right.

The promotion of Yuki Sonoda and the demotion of Liam Lawson. And yet another chapter of Red Bull Racing, eating its own young. That's right. 20 slots. Keep coming back to egg sacks this week, doesn't it? That's right. Egg sacks, okay? Make an investment.

Take an egg, incubate it. Come up with a beautiful post. That's all we do all day long. Just beautiful content chickens on this farm we call Channel 6. That's right. Holly and I's newsletter for $10 a month. You get two. things a week, including, yeah, sometimes we write about figure skating like we did last

week. Sometimes we write about how to be on the internet. Mostly we write about sports, but since everything is sports, we can write about whatever we like. It's fantastic. Subscribe, fool. It's $10 a month. These are great promos. That's right. I'll promo. We should do each other's promos more often. This is fun. Man, man. I'm sorry I doubted you, Spencer Not really. Anyone else want to follow that? Hold on.

Do a promo for server spanned. Killer ants coming off of a triumphant show live in Nashville. Premier American rock music. Live in Sydney, Australia. It might have been Nashville. I don't know. That is where the show was, correct,

server? And it did rock, in fact, right? In Asheville, yes. Live from Belgrade. Live from Shrill. That's right. You were in Asheville. And the show absolutely kicked ass, correct?

I saw footage. You guys were dominating. Killer ants available right now. Where, Michael, server? Killerance.com. Killer ants. Link. Link.

Link. Tree slash killer ants, I think. single next Tuesday. A Z on the end or a Z? Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. All right.

Quality American rock-roll. No, listen to them. Listen to them. Don't soft-pedal yourself. Put that in your fucking ear. It's only okay, but I soft-pedal myself. Ew. Fuck no.

Everybody gets on 11. All right. That's how we're going into that. Last promo. Nintendo Switch 2. Go. Nintendo Switch 2. You're not fucking.

getting it. Why? There's a fucking dumbass running this country. What do you need to do? Yell, scream, burn some shit. If I can't get you to care about basic humanity, I can get you to care about the fact that you're not going to get to play Donkey Kong Bananza, the video game event of the summer, as touted in the free edition of the Channel 6 newsletter, which you should sign up for obviously after giving us the $10. Anyway, it's going to be awesome if you get to experience it by overthrowing your government. Oh shit, is the ice hotline still up? I haven't checked.

By the way, since they use an 866 number, don't they get charged for every call that's made to that number? Yeah, but they're not going to pay that bill. They're not going to pay that shit, yeah. Is that all a podcast business? Now I'm trying to think of stuff we can report to the ice hotline. You know what you can do? You can call them up and be like, hey, it took until year night.

No, guys, do not put. home field apparel ads in the ice hotline. Yeah, that's about that. That's actually is something I meant to say today. I really wish that we love the enthusiasm. Please do not report our title sponsor, the T-shirt makers of Indianapolis, extraordinaire to the Department of Homeland Security.

Thank you.