Shutdown Fullcast - FIRE DISASTERS

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

In keeping with Fullcast tradition, we belly-flop into the offseason by restarting our Disasters Playlist, this time centered around “times you have set things on fire that were not supposed to be on fire.”  Includes the following instant-classic story elements:            • “We did not have a fireplace.”            • “The smoke was visible for miles around.”            • “Ants survived.”            • “It was like a terra-cotta jet engine.” Also, this very quickly becomes our long-awaited musical episode. Surprise!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A lot of good Springsteen on this episode, Holly. Great job. Oh, so much good stuff. Grab your hands got my answers. What the disgusting fuck is that even mean? I think it's on fire. I think it's about fucking Robocop. I'm just going to invite, man, I was going to say,

I'm just going to invite these chodes one by one on the show during the office to be like, explain yourselves, but now I want to invite that vaguely Nazi dude who said, I bet you think Robocop is political. on here to explain what Robocop is actually about to me My prime directive is to love you babe It wasn't even a tweet It was a reply to somebody

I don't know how it came across my timeline But it's just him going I bet you think Robocop is political Oh There's a heart beating in this metal chest I'm a robot cop And girl you're the best comply

you have 15 seconds before you break my heart don't mind me I've got a city to say you can't put me in the microwave the city's cruel it should make your heart

and they're coming through my eyes and the ants survived there's not a design feature something's terribly right And out on eight miles of city You'll make you holler Make you say things and buy it for a dollar

This is not a political movie at all Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I'm sorry about that, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. We are now finally sailing into the off-season. It's a magnificent thing. Nothing really changes, by the way, year to year here.

Alabama won the national title. Ah. Eh. And now we get to talk about the things that we're truly passionate about. For instance, we were talking about whether Tom Brady has ever actually eaten a meal out in Tampa in our little pregame meeting. to which I say no that man has that man is only driven by restaurants in Tampa

he does not eat what the small people eat because it's it contains chemicals and molecules and Tom Brady does not eat those I'm looking up I'm looking up

Tom Brady favorite favorite restaurant in Tampa there is an article from March which I think was before he signed that suggests that he had dinner at Burns Steakhouse with Derek Jeter

and possibly Bill Gates I'm not making that up is this just one of those guys who like excellence have excellent dinner together yeah that's what it sounds like but then there's then the athletics

bucks reporters like no the representatives for all of these people say that didn't happen but like who would cop to it that they that they'd eat at burns and not outback because i know bill gates is the kind of guy who if he has the choice between eating at burns or outback he's going to eat it outback you don't get rich you eat at burns does burns have southwestern egg rolls i bet you could if you went to burns and you order too shay tom i bet you could go to burns and order southwestern egg rolls from you're such a generous impot partner and i don't think get enough credit for it because they would just do that if you're rich enough right no definitely

keep digging they would do that that's great i'm going to play nintendo brian you're on your own with him no come back oh god fine only because jason's not here thank you am i putting up with this bullshit thank you there's this there are absolutely no there are no bumpers tonight wow what a different night from us the the the hey everybody Spencer's terrible to work with. Here's sports. Welcome. The thing that we wanted to know to go ahead and start off this fine off season

is we wanted to ask a question. Just, of all of our listeners, anyone who wanted to respond. And that was this. Tell us about a time you set something on fire that was definitely not supposed to be on fire. fire. Did all of you follow the directions here? No, not exactly. Some of these things are definitely supposed to be on fire. You just screwed it up. But most of you did. And I applaud that. I think most of these things are not supposed to be on fire. I will go ahead and quietly

to screw with you. Yeah, I mean, some of them. I say some. You know, it's more than one. Sure. It's more than one. Some of them are like, oh, I was attempting to set something on fire. it got out of hand and to me oh yeah i think sometimes it'll be like i set something on fire that was supposed to be on fire but that set three other things on fire and they were not supposed to be yeah for instance warren ables long time friend of the podcast said um i'd say then though i'd say woods original best in primary use is indeed fire placing an extremely dead and dry christmas tree upside down and a hipponia is suspect the end result is a terracotta a jet engine ill-advised to say the least on an 8x12 town home patio if you have one of these

beautiful mexican clay stoves don't just stuff your christmas tree in it like you know like you're like you're like you're loading a musket and just do that because you'll create a homemade flamethrower of a severity degree and intensity that you are not prepared to deal with this feels like a danger unloading this trick to an audience that's composed at least in part of other sports because it kind of sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song waiting to happen. I put my Christmas. You got a Mexican place. Don't dare.

Got a jet engine and the sparks into the night. Now, actually, I think that sounds way more. I didn't even scared. How did you do that? I'm really fucking good at this. What's wrong with you? Holly, are you sure it's not a Jimmy Buffett song? Oh, no, then that's a comedy song.

song. Man, Spider-John even scans. Terracotta jet engine. You got flames to the left, flames to the right. Terracotta jet engine. Baby

authority. Baby turn up that radio. Fire on the patio. Yeah. This is all work. Yeah. This was, this was by the way off of uh inspired by a suggestion from

sanica chart in the fire speaking up hold on i can we stop on that one because yeah i think what started this i don't know if this this is what started this conversation or not society started this society did start this fire uh specifically one resident in mckinney you're leaving out your favorite sorry go ahead ryan one resident in mckney texas who tried to burn we'll say his it doesn't specify but his feels right here uh his christmas tree and in his uh fireplace at his home now if you were going to try to burn your christmas tree in your fireplace which is not recommended you would probably take the steps of breaking the christmas tree down to parts so that they could all fit into the fireplace that is not what this person did they put they put the top

of the christmas tree into the fire as if it were a candle they were lighting like a pencil into a pencil sharpener correct and then of course according here's here's exactly what the local news article says um let's see only the top of the tree was in the fire so the flames traveled down the tree and out of the fireplace officials said yes thank you officials that is indeed how fireworks did he think he can make a tree disappear with flu powder i think i think he thought like fire is like a wood chipper yes and if you just like get it going and you just start pushing it will just like all burn famously controllable and amiable element fire yeah that goes exactly the way you think

it goes every time he just tried to feed it in there like you throw things into a blender there is Have you guys seen the picture that accompanies this? I am looking at it right now. Okay, good, good. Because it looks exactly what you would think it would look like. Oh, it got quite a ways down in the truck, by the way. You know, here's to me the favorite, my favorite part of it. You do this in part because you're like, oh, cleaning up the old Christmas tree is a mess.

It's, they're going to get needles everywhere, blah, blah, blah. So instead, this, this person, again, this man just feels right. this man has soot and ash horse it's a man and pine needles everywhere there's still pine needles all over this fucking house you you solved nothing i love it you only made three new problems including including one with a potential legal dimension this is expert uncle energy here oh yeah how do i take a problem and make it four times worse it says the damage was limited to the area right around the fireplace and one person was treated for minor smoke inhalation at the scene.

I know who that person was. I have a feeling I know who that person was. I don't think it was an innocent bystander. No. That's where you should be allowed to type as a journalist. One person with minor smoke inhalation, who deserved it? You should be able to type that. You know, like, man, hit by car, comma, deserved it.

We should be able to determine this. Listen, man, physics and nature are, full of consequential learning you want to learn the hard way fire is here for you friend all the time all the time fire is always there it never goes away it's just waiting to happen all of the time um i am good just going to go ahead and cite one of my favorites which is from uh user at jol tanum used to soak tennis balls and gas and light them up let's go ahead and say this definitely conforming to the true nature of this question and the intent because you're starting by sitting tennis balls on fire something which should never ever be on fire ever

nice game of catch in the tinder dry oak forest of central minnesota nobody died thank you for establishing the bare minimum by which we are evaluating all of this nobody died but we weren't really living god you're really living god you're really good at the springsteen thing no shit it's good yeah Joel thank you for establishing the baseline here of it was the success Billy Joel right because nobody does yes Billy Joel ten of but we all know yeah I mean he literally has a song we didn't start the fire thank you

Ryan which is a fucking like that's a confession if I've ever heard one yeah I would like to go ahead and double up and do another one here it's like the smelt it deltid anthem thank you for the most boomer emotion which is we didn't do that it was

already like this I will not take any blame for my problems J.FK was already like that. I just came home and there was brains on the floor. Here in the hot dog costume. Wondering who did it. Who the hell did this?

Just our musical episode? It is. At bad luck Greg Ward says of the things he was not supposed to set on fire. I don't think anybody has an economy of storytelling quite like this. Myself at Christmas Eve Mass in fifth grade. Church hasn't used real candles since. See, that's the kicker. Then they had to go back the next year.

They're like, there will be no live candles tonight. Eyes all go ahead and slant toward bad luck, Gregor. It was me. I said, but we'll slow on fire. I'm the reason we can't have the cool Jesus candles. It's important to have a legacy. Yeah, man. I mean, you got the joy down in your heart,

and you got the fire all about your shoulders and back. There was flailing. I know there was flailing. Oh, 100%. Oh, God. Make a joyful noise. Anytime you can say, I'm the reason that we don't do that anymore,

you've done something really right. 100%. You've changed. You've literally. changed the course of human history in a small way but still you did it so i drank an entire bottle of fireball before i went in and that's why they don't let them do that anymore let floyd tell his own stories on the podcast please that's that's true actually floyd floyd tells the stories before and after the podcast every single week and they're better than anything we record oh right do you have one that

Touch your heart. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do this one because it doesn't make any sense. This is from at Dapper Bill 73. When I was a kid, I put a frozen loaf of bread into the microwave, wrapping in all. I'm assuming that means it probably had like a metal twist tie on it or something. Yeah.

Not knowing how to work a microwave, then. I put our phone number in, area code and all, and hit start. That's the detail that really gets me. The like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Having loaded six days worth of microwave into the timer, it's time to cook this bread. there's quite a few of these that involve microwaves which i feel like after the important gremlins microwave scene of joe dante's classic gremlins we would all be familiar with the damaging effects that microwaves can have on anything that you shouldn't put anything that you're

unsure could go into a microwave into said microwave there's quite a few in here where people who simply do not understand the basics do either of you feel nervous like like putting normal safe things in the microwave do you ever like have that moment where you're like well it's it's literally just like a plate with one item on it but i'm still afraid it's about to explode 100 percent i i basically treat every single microwave dish going into a microwave like i am standing over the scram button with chernoval like it's just it's a matter of time before i'm going to have to hit that and screw up everything right and even like even then like you'll put things in where you go oh it's microwave safe okay cool i'll put that in there and you'll put the food

i don't believe that shit for a second no i don't believe any of it also i do not believe that i have not left mysterious flex of aluminum foil in all of my food like i'll put it in and go i'll go like i don't know this sprito probably has some aluminum foil in it it's going to explode or something because I would do that I would do like I frankly astonished that you know that's bad see steps progress that's what this is Holly do you have a personal story of fire and flame that you want to share or I don't know like I'm just asking unprompted it's really funny that you say that because I thought I didn't this happens with every disaster's episode Holly's like I don't think I have a thing and then she's like

oh no i have i have eight things i thought i didn't and then during our last production meeting you said something that made me remember that i do have one and now i have forgotten it again which means it can't be that good okay maybe it will return to you over the course no um the very boring answer is i used to teach fire building and safety uh at girl scout summer camps so uh yeah cool i have a ton of fire stories and none of them are disasters except one oh no i remember it okay all right this wasn't me i was just there uh which was i i it will astonish absolutely no one to learn that my friends growing up were the let's see what we can set on fire while everyone's hanging out in the parking lot and making out kids no yeah i know this is very unlike me

hello to several of them who've now decided to listen to the show i'm really sorry but i'm not going to name anybody's names here except for matt because he deserves it and for once i'm not saying matt just as a catch-all name because this dude's name was matt uh we had a friend whose parents had a cabin not too far from town and this is where we would gather uh to have you know, bonfires, which bonfire was a loose word. I know we have told Spencer's story before on the show of burning remainder

furniture that they had out of the back of a Havardies. Really the most metal thing we ever did was just set an entire picnic table over the fire and just let it go. Except one night, Matt

uh, was bringing out some gasoline in a metal gas can to throw gas on the fire because listen when I say this is the kind of thing that happened often

we blew up an entire paper machet cow with black powder one fourth of July okay you had well here's the thing

nothing went wrong that's not like that's not the disaster story because we're really good at saying things on fire yeah we said

listen this was up in the holler we take our we take our gunpowder very seriously find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life right right right so like i have a lot of fire stories and none of them are disasters um except this one when matt dropped a gas can into the fire and it's only funny to me because of what happened next which is that everything really does slow down like there is a cinematic slow down after the gas can falls from his hands and into the fire and you see everyone as one turn and go woo wow and try and everyone just

scatters as uh as the flame shoots skyward and that was it like nothing bad happened but it was funny watching everyone in unison there's like 30 people there just freeze and then scatter like ants sure um there is a similar story uh as i was done involved with this I have a similar story from my family, which was my grandparents were enthusiastic campers and their next-door neighbors and best friends were also enthusiastic campers, but they didn't drink. And they were on a camping trip and the neighbor couple went on a walk or something. And my grandma decides that this is time to get out her little bottle of peach brandy that she had had secured in her purse. and they came back I guess unexpectedly while she was still sipping and in the in the brown paper bag the little flask not thinking very clearly but thinking very quickly she just tosses the whole thing into the fire it's possible this is just a recurring theme in my life but no I have listen man what more annoying thing could I tell you then I don't have any fire disaster stories because I'm too good at fire that um i think that tracks both with my understanding of you as a person and probably

your perception with the listeners so right one of my listen listen you listen you guys need to talk to my friends on the show and not me because the same people that uh the same people that i'm mentioning in these stories one of them is currently trying to build a jet engine out of spare parts in his driveway to what end when i Well, I said, to attach to what? And he said, uh-uh. Not no, but, uh-huh. Like this is just, when you say, hey, we set something on fire and it was bad, this is like a Tuesday.

Sure. For people I went to high school with. So this is, this is, I'm not trying to be cool. Like, this is not really my lane. I hope that's what somebody said to the Wright brothers when they were like, all right, all right, O'Ville, it's time to test off flying machine. Somebody came along and said, and then what? They were like, this is the guy who came in one night holding a three ring binder and said, hey, does anybody want to learn how to operate a crane? And my best friend said, where did you get that?

And he gives her this devastating, withering look. And he goes, from the crane. I'm operating from a different baseline, I think than most people are. when it comes to setting shit on fire because I grew up in a really small town with one movie theater. Sure. The rest of us are like, the Simpsons is funny. And you're like, I never watched the Simpsons, but I've seen things done with a backhoe that would chill your bones. But I've never seen The Simpsons. All right. So my, I think we burned a lot of people's eyebrows off, but like nothing bad and bad. Eyebrows aren't necessary. They grow back. No. Yeah. But no, I mean, it's very boring. But I was teaching fire safety from like sixth grade on. Like I don't have. any good i don't have any good things to add to this so the thing that i've set on fire that i didn't

mean to set on fire involved also i'm probably forgetting something that i didn't think was an emergency so if y'all hear this and you know i'm leaving something out just let me know i probably forgot mine was on an obvious re-hift during a christmas at my in-laws somebody had given I can't remember which exact in-law. Somebody had received a gift, which was about, it was a box about four inches wide and about 12 inches long. And when he opened it up,

it became pretty apparent that somebody had gotten a personal massager for Christmas as a re-gift. It was like a complete, obvious re-gift. Wait, like, is it used? it was it was of the sort and random enough i remember that this person could not have gotten it like i think it was given to like one of the sons i was saying original packaging um packaging that had like previously previous tape marks on it so that it had been

wrapped and rewrapped and somebody had just decided to pass it off but i say personal massager what i really mean is this mother was a hitachi magic wand all right oh that's like the Cadillac of personal massagers, isn't it? The Cadillac of personal massagers that are usually used on only one part of the body. Yeah. And was given to, I believe, one of the suns. It also had instructions in Japanese leading me to believe that it was the OG. It was not like somebody had ordered this.

Oh, this is like when you get Guinness in Ireland. Did it come with a voltage adapter? How does that even work? So you're leaning into a very important part of this. Oh, no. Oh, I just saw where this is going. Oh, no. Which I don't really remember how this worked, because presumably, if it didn't have a voltage adapter... This is actually why Kevin's mom is asking his dad if he packed the voltage adapter in home alone. That's right. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah, because... She has enough kids. She does not want to have sex with that man again. Got to hop on that Hitachi over the Atlantic. Wait, do dudes use the Hitachi? Where? Absolutely not. Okay. No. I'm like, is there an application for this that I am not aware of?

No, you were not missing anything. Dudes who know better than Spencer, please email 38 Godfrey. No pictures. No pictures. Go ahead. No, all the pictures go on Twitter, put all the words in the email. All the disgusting words go in the email. Stephen.godfrey at voxmedia.com.

Make it thorough. Yeah. And a good reporter appreciates details. So we plugged it in, right? I was like, okay, I'm... Wasn't I just saying I missed that basement Jack's album? So I was going to plug it in because I was the one who I... Oh, let's see if this thing actually works.

Plug it in, plug it in, baby. And I plugged it into the wall, and it sort of made it... There was an ominous warmth to the touch. Wait, wait, an ominous warmth where? You know, when you were holding it, like it, as if it were growling. And I thought, I don't know if the voltage is right on this. But I thought, let's just go ahead and give it a run anyway. Jesus Christ.

And I turned it on and it began to vibrate at an unreal rate with infinite climb. Isn't that like the point? Like you can sand a table with this motherfucker? It started out of... This just makes me want to try one. It started out at what... It started out at what might be a realistic high-end RPM. It's like a real-life hyena between.

Jesus. To name check Chernobyl again, you know, when they say the last reading we have was 30,000, you know, volts per second. Yeah, that was the last reading we had on the O.D. Hitachi Magic wand plugged into the wall because at that point, it went, and I heard a, and something inside it exploded. I dropped it. Yeah, that's the point. And it burst into flame. Oh, inside the thing. Inside the, yeah.

Like a tie fighter. Like a time fighter crashing on a point. Oh, imperial probe, droid or general. Is Tumblr still a thing? Yeah, and I think that's the exact kind of thing it's there for at this point. Yeah, I do. At this point. That's fair.

There was poetry before as well. Yeah, all right. the IG 69 ready for your use jeez come on this isn't a show for cheap jokes more like a thigh fighter so yeah we had to i had to kick the plug out of the wall to avoid a serious electrical fire this is your stop a serious electrical fire i saved a Listen, I saved a life that day. Okay. This is your friendly reminder that the good people at wirecutter,

according to their own words, have put in 110 cumulative hours of research and testing to come up with their list of the best vibrators. 110. Not since the Pony Express, have brave people been so saddlesore. Kevin Costner, please don't make a movie about this. I'm going to make a movie about this. Oh, my God.

Nothing will stop these females. That's here. Listen, all respect to wire cutters, if you want real dildo reviews, you got to talk to lesbian. Let's go to autostraddle. Fair. So, yeah, that's the time I accidentally set something on fire, which was not supposed to be. All right, how is this? I don't think it was supposed to be on fire.

No, I'm going to go ahead and say it wasn't. I can confident and say. IRE is supposed to be largely metaphorical, as I understand the concept. This is not the intended effect of the product here. No. What a story. Yeah. What a country.

Yeah. Okay, let's do this one from, to find again, PDX Irish on Twitter. My parents rented a giant dumpster to clean the garage. My sister was sneaking a smoke on the roof and threw the butt into the dumpster. The whole... I didn't have a good dildo song, so I'm trying to make up ground now. That's fair. That's fair. Lighting the whole dumpster on fire.

The fire department had to come, and my sister tried to blame it on fireworks from the neighbor kids. That's a pro. You know what? That is like a vague enough assertion of somebody else's blame that I think you... Not nine times out of ten. six times out of ten i think that would work i would like to inform everyone that the new gorge bridge in west virginia a beautiful new river gorge i'm sorry yes the new river gorge in west virginia is a beautiful historic piece of architecture and an important just declared a national park like last

week it was it's a national heritage site yeah it's on the register of historic places it is 876 feet above the new river. It's one of the highest bridges in the world. It's the third highest in the United States. And I say all of that to back up and contextualize John Radcliffe's story that he shares with us, which may be one of the purest expressions of sheer, bored, country, creativity I have ever read. It's one of those things that you read and you go, you go, oh, I must have, I really, you have, those whole history should be told backwards. right poured lighter fluid on a frozen turkey and lit it on fire thank you god

then kicked it off the catwalk on the new end of the porch bridge and watched it all the way down baby my man and an angel came down from heaven playing ball with a ball on his trumpet just John Denver rising from the ashes of the turkey like hello my son you've summoned me

He's like he, he rises and he's like, it was about the western part of Virginia. That guy nailed it. Eat shit. Go back to being dead John Denver. That's all you're going to do. Unhelpful. Terrible pilot. I like, what I like about this story is that it does not, um, I think in the style of really good movies from the 80s, it doesn't explain too much.

like back to the back to the future is never like here is how time travel work it just says here's this this bullshit device we made up time travel's possible move on in the same way this list gentle listener doesn't it's not important why they had a frozen turkey or why they lit it on fire they just did those things just happened there's a whole beautiful setup leading to this a whole series of historical circumstances and personal decisions that led up to this an arc of a life leading to this yeah a baby is born and and when the parents look at the baby they don't know that one day that child that sweet little innocent babe will pour lighter fluid on a frozen turkey lighted on fire and kick it off the catwalk of a bridge sometimes they do and those babies all get named Larry there's a cat Stevens song oh god that's it just John Radcliffe standing there going, I won't kick this bitch off the New River Gorge Bridge.

That's what I'm going to do. We'll set on fire first. Let me, if you don't put that knife down, I'm going to toss you like a turkey covered in the ladder fluid off the new river gorge bridge. I've done it. I've done it before. He has. I saint it.

He did it. Oh, what a beautiful story. Thank you, John. What a life. That's my favorite one. What a world. That's it. You know what?

I'm just going to say this. A lot goes into that moment, right? Yeah. I'm talking about a lot goes into that moment. A lot gets invested. Sure. You don't get the kind of fortune, the kind of payoff from a life that involves kicking a turkey off the new river gorge bridge, right? Without putting in...

Drop kick me, Jesus, off the new river gorge bridge of life. What I'm saying is that the seeds of that moment were planted long ago. Hmm. Which reminds me. What kind of seeds, Spencer? You don't have to be rich to start investing with acorns and acorns.com, anyone can save and invest in the background of life. You can find yourself free and wealthy enough to go ahead and pursue the things you want to pursue, like kicking a flaming turkey off the new river gorge bridge. Acorns.com.

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maximize growth potential and whether market ups and downs you can even if you want to get a heavy metal debit card metal it saves and invest for you instead of putting you in debt uh the partnerships with brands or hey you could even find a job right in the app what i did with the family plan was i invested with the acorns early hey you know what early with the kids we've already made a grand total of 25 dollars and 70 cents and paid off we've we've already made the fire rises and so does your personal finance child so a very important evening for your young joshua bain just handed out investing advice here think about your future 401k oh bitch i'm sorry joshua i'm not good with children why did this have to be gendered we're having a whole

thing why make it a gendered insult it's very important yeah we've uh and by the way this week yeah we've already made we've already we're up by the way we down a little bit yesterday 16 cents but over on the overall we you know we're up like a good 250 in the kids investment accounts um what i'm saying is this that if you visit acorns.com slash forecast and claim your five dollar bonus when you sign up takes under three minutes to start investing and saving in the background of life acorns.com slash fullcast

good job sponsor I know I know that's what happens you guys stick stick to the trip cite some personal experience

don't set anything on fire no well I so I think actually I know I know we present acorns as like an investment tool an retirement tool blah blah blah I think based on

submissions we got the real purpose of our audience having an acorns account is to defray the cost of fire damage that they are causing in their everyday life. How true. Evidently.

And I would say this, that sometimes that might even be damaged that you could write off as a government expense, if you follow the example of Squire 81, who deployed to Iraq in 2004, they'd burn the classified docks from the days of 16 sorties. At first, that was like, you know, trash can with paper in it, but over time, they decided to add a stone fire pit and some, chairs we thought that other folks might enjoy a fire to sit by so they kind of built this little outdoor patio uh you know with with supplies they made a little fire pit there's a nightly crowd and since there weren't any nighttime light restrictions in place they kept expanding the fire operations so if you wonder huh do a bunch of americans just on the other side of the world just decided to turn burning classified documents into like a you know beer and fire pit kind of

jam yeah that's exactly what they did i have such faith in this country sometimes eventually we had a nightly gathering of two or three dozen air force and army attendees now don't get me wrong the opposition were 100 percent shooting rockets and mortars over the wire daily nightly but most of them were poorly aimed so it was cool one particular night we're running short of ad hoc incendiary supplies so i tossed a can of tuna into the embers as the fire got going okay that one's definitely Jimmy Buffett I insist that one is Jimmy Buffett yeah all right all right we just started to notice the hiss and whistle of the tuna can pre-exposure and the out this new guy walks born and bred in Alabama

he says it's all tucking in and hiding behind chairs and benches and makeshift sees behind the fire and in a perfect Birmingham roll he says hey where you all hiding from I swear the God the minute the mm of the word from the just past his lips as he entered danger close for tuna fragmentation as soon as he said it boom flaming hot tuna flew in all directions this poor guy got face blasted with fire kissed canned fish on his first day in country not to mention his first night coming out to check our classified burn bonfire after that we use the paper shredder for our classified papers fire kissed canned fish is actually the fourth verse of grapefruit juicy fruit this is

man y'all y'all got away with words there's some evocative language language in here that's beautiful y'all by the way you think don't skip over this little detail in there where they're like yeah they were shooting rockets and mortars at us but we had a fire anyway that we were all standing around because they sucked at it holly do you have when you want to grab i got a fire disaster yeah mario cristobull at florida international hey next okay um here's one from T.C. Internet's on Twitter. I was coming home from baseball practice 21 or so years ago, and my buddy sees a pop-up trailer on fire in someone's driveway. But just on the lid, like an accelerant, had been poured on top. He gets out with a fire extinguisher runs to the driveway, and the owner, presumably, is smoking and staring at it. Yeah, I called insurance. Damnedest thing. Must have been my neighbor, asshole. Buddy heads toward the camera. with the extinguisher and the guy freaks out running at him. Hey man, listen, that's dangerous.

I got shit in there. I don't want you to get hurt. We are idiot high school kids, but this is textbook insurance fraud and my buddy is an EMT in training. He extinguishes the fire and the guy is now calling the cops from his house phone saying we, quote, violated his property. The cops show up. This guy goes to jail. And when the guy, the cop shows up, he slowly walks to the dude and yells, hey, Randy, you remember this didn't work last time, right? Classic Randy. I would, I would, officer, I would argue Randy doesn't remember that at all.

Doesn't remember, or at least like, you know, we didn't say to the first rocket cruise at NASA, like, hey, guys, you remember this didn't work next time, right? we kept going like this is just the moon but for insurance fraud of a of a pop-up trailer the moon but for insurance fraud that's a little redundant don't you think do you think you think you need insurance to do you think like you need insurance to go to the moon what how do you insure an astronaut you see fans please let us know you can you can like you like they have to have health they have to have health insurance right but what the fuck is that policy look like.

Doesn't matter. It can happen. They'll make it. Man, now that Space Force is apparently continually, assistently going to be a thing. Yeah. This has got to be easier to find out, right? The best part about Space Force is that

no way those motherfuckers are spending a second in space. Space Force is going to be like... Oh, wow. You watch... Noted liberal. Doubting the... Doubting the space troops.

No, I'm just... Like, I feel confident. Doubting the spooks. Oops. The soaps. No, I can't do it. I just have a feeling we're going to talk to someone who's like, yeah, I did 10 years in Space Force. Oh, where'd you go, Allentown?

Yeah. Yeah, where were you assigned to Space Force? Zero Gravity Chair Force. See, if they were smart, we would like search the names of the offices and the locations of the offices of the offices of Space Force and find that they were the most plump. that they were the most plum spots in the United States military like Maui what why are there eight offices in Hawaii and three in Miami Beach and two in Aspen what yeah man I don't know it's crazy evidently these are all like you know space critical places we have to be there the timing of space force makes me absolutely convinced that at least one person responsible for its creation

did so after he saw the film Aloha. 100%. There are only three FAQs on the Space Force website. They are in order. Is this real? Well, sort of. What's the Space Force? How will the Space Force impact me?

And how do I join? That's it. That's the only three questions you can have about space. How will the Space Force? Are you an alien? It will impact you greatly. Let's see. well the space force impact me or we are coming for your oil we are coming to fuck you up brother

media oil uh i upset myself oh there's too many there's more that i got boring stupid we should write more frequently ask questions for the space force we should how do you poop in space that would be it i'd just submit that over and over again that part's easy Isn't there one of the Apollo missions where somebody had a poop floating around? There is, yeah. Was that an Apollo mission or was that later? No, it was one of the Apollo missions and one of the astronauts is on the transcript saying that doesn't look like one of mine.

To which I go, how bored we all? I love space. Holy shit! 16,000 military and civilian space personnel were assigned to the Space Force. Oh, they're not all doing their jobs. There's not 16,000 people worth of space war shit to do right now. I just want to see one

the one person who's like, okay. So here's the space shotgun and here's the space keg. And here's the space. Here's the space church. Bong. Here's the space steeple. Open it up and stay! All right. I'm in charge

of writing the rules about not having sex. with aliens that's my whole job everybody bradley's in charge and writing the rules about not having sex with aliens no you go want to have sex it's gonna be uncontrollable the urge we call it's gonna be you're gonna fall into something the science called the thrall the thrall is overwhelming do not give in it's gonna nope don't interrupt ryan The throne will last for several days. You will find yourself engorged in ways you never thought possible. This is like all of those guys from NYPD who became like experts in cybersecurity after 9-11,

despite the fact that they had never done anything but worked traffic detail in Queens. They're like, yeah, we're cyber security. Now I'm in space security. If you've ever seen the documentary species, you know what I'm talking about. that's a duck yeah it's totally true exactly how it happens oh man there's no gravity to interfere with your boner either no it's a dangerous it's a dangerous projectile up there you got to handle it accordingly ladies you want to be alarmed for what we call the floating splush oh god that's probably a thousand people out of that 16,000 somebody just put it in front of Trump and it was like

hey you gotta sign this part it's about sex and space and he's like yeah no no we're not talking about that it's important my my next story is i think probably the one where i go yeah this is the most little boy business i've ever heard in my life that's um at a person it just says when i was about eight i put a sock over a light bulb because the lamp in my bedroom didn't have a lampshade and i wanted a dull light why did he want a dull light so i could see my game boy screen without glare when i learned that cotton polyester socks smell like burnt eggs when they catch on fire that is vaguely amazed this doesn't happen more often god that is the most little boy shit ever is to go well let's see i could just stop playing the game boy or i could alter my entire like environment and start a potentially deadly fire just so i have list glare on my game boy yeah yeah man you're not gonna be you're gonna be wario in the woods with some fucking glare on your game boy it's just not happening you don't see the hashtag boy

dad going around like hashtag girl dad oh it's cool we want to share these experiences it's great this is really just an enriching part of our lives and boy dad would just be like they're destroying me they're chipping me off one cell at a time no yeah being a boy mom is like they're showing up on the scanner, but I don't see them. I think they're in the ceiling. They're coming. Oh, God. Boy, that is just the alien ring noise.

There's too many of them, man. They peeped to the TV again. Game over, man. Because they peed to the TV. Who would pee the TV? Boys. Boys would. I saw a vent.

So I just went for it. This was the. one run in that I had with elder nephew today, which was, uh, he was kind of being an imperious little shitbird to his brother and, uh, who had the hiccups. I said, you should drink some water. He's like, yeah, you should drink some water. And I'm trying to just cruise past that. And I was like, water's good for everything. Calm down. He's like, everything. And I was just trying to get past this moment and I was like yes everything he goes

everything and I said I turned around and I said stop and he froze and I said you know that when I say water's good for everything I mean plants and animals and people

and not that you should pour your water on the television right and he just stared at me and I was like is that what you were going to do and he just stared at me and then i just had to stare back at him until he dropped his eyes like a display of dominance because he was thinking it was thinking about it was no was in his head he's like maybe it'd be a good idea if i poured this water on the tv it's the perfect crime

she said everything so she can't get mad dudes are so fucking stupid oh my god this is what i've learned from having two boys we're so fucking dumb this was the good one that's the problem that's the problem that's the problem yeah it's really just about channeling your stupidest impulses see the space program yeah i think it'd be cool to just like sit on top of a rocket i assume that's why that's why we greenlit space force

so that we can get all of our most most dude life dudes and be like yeah just go live in space man fucking rock out with your cock out it's fine who cares that's what exploration is all about consider this that the first people to get in both We're like, yeah, man, we're going to the other side of this thing. And they got like 50 miles out. And they're like, ah, we forgot water. That really happened.

Isabella was like, you want money. Whatever, fine. Just fucking go, Christopher. You're insufferable. Just go. Can't fucking stand your stupid Italian. Smelly, stupid idiot boys. Christopher's like, if I poured this oil on the fire, something might happen, Isabella.

He's like, just go. Just get out of my house. God. You idiots. What are you going to do? I got a pee. I'm going to do it right here in the corner. No, I don't think the earth is flat and I'm going to prove it by sailing to the edge.

Fuck you, dad. I almost wish the earth had been flat just for those stories. Oh, shit. No. I should have listened to you, dad. We live on a giant pizza. Just I would be there at the very edge, just leaning over the edge of the earth, watching them plummet into forever. Nothingness just going, wow, owned.

Yeah, you know why. Bye. Miss Andry. I meant to do this. I meant to do this. Hey, when you're dead and floating in the ether for this lifetime and all the worlds to come, can I have your stuff? I know. My star.

Accidancy. The pizza. God, Columbus would totally be over the edge with his horny awful ass. That's it. That's what the Crusades were. They're like, God, you idiots, just go somewhere. Just go somewhere. We'll go east.

Yeah, just go east. Here, just get to leave. Really, the Crusades existed because we didn't have Dave and Busters. Why didn't we invent go cards yet? Well, I've been thinking a lot about Chuck Echise for murder ever since Spencer said it. And you know when they really could have used that crusade times? Oh, 100%. 100%.

We fucked up history. Um, all right, this, this, this story comes from Christy 527. This is not a story I understand. It's not important. Set the toilet on fire in the bathroom next to the kitchen while making breakfast. Do, do anything with that. I don't know how that happened or why. I don't think it matters that I know.

But this is a thing that, that can happen in human life. so I'm I'm really intrigued this is actually the origin of the babysitters club book title christie's big idea all right there's one other one I want to do real quick I have I have one on this as well yeah this is from at at John Tweet Sports set the carpet inside the church sanctuary on fire

playing Indiana Jones rolled up church bulletins and lit them on fire as torches dropped one in whoosh fire had to stomp it out lied about it to my dad who was a pastor got our butt beat i would like you to imagine this all happening to the theme just i mean you want to talk about a story about a rowdy son indiana jones that that fits yeah do you think not helping in that situation oh no he's a shitty dad i agree with that but do you think the like the curators of that church in last crusade do you think they eventually were like what the fuck this fucking professor

just came and caved a fucking hole in and now there's rats and fire in our fucking you know that one librarian next door who they see at lunch every day for biscotti is like you should hear this shit that happened with my stamp today yeah i think i'm thor i think i have like your library mule here all right i have one for ryan it's from brandon marcello uh the the excellent college football writer but it seems targeted personally to ryan nanny oh good i'm just going to read it okay early 90s i threw a bunch of multicolored sparklers into a gutter drain wanting to see ninja turtle colors a sewer party that's drain was filled with dead leaves oh after 30 seconds of purples and greens it caught fire shooting flames through the grate and onto neighbors grass what i want you to imagine right annie is this so those orange flames represent michael angelo to whom this would totally happen but please imagine little brandon watching this you go directly here because we were talking about italy and you said the ninja turtles probably yeah this is an italian heronish tweet

But please imagine little Brandon looking at that and thinking, I've burned the ninja turtle. Oh, no, oh God. I'm Shredder. I was Shredder all along. Teenage Mutant Ninja. Ah! For the record, for the record, Shredder would probably have better luck if he tried like firing guns and shit and not like, I must defeat you in hand-to-hand fucking combat. This is New York in like the late 80s.

Come on. What's scarier than our New York rat doing hand-to-hand combat? A New York rat with a gun. A New York rat with an unregistered pistol. Where's it going to get bullets? Anywhere. It was New York in the 80s. I made them. They made a pizza.

Very good pizza because it is New York. And they have the good water. Actually, it's bromated flap. It would be very funny, like, also in the style of Indiana Jones, if Splinter and Shredder faced off, and Shredder launches into this big, stupid monologue, and then Spler just pulls out of cut and shoots him in the fucking gut. Like, Charles would have been over so much fast.

Now, Splinter could have, Shredder could have been defeated in a hurry if you just threw a bunch of sparklers in through the great, in his face glass yeah oh wow the ninja turtle we've been waiting for the mythical fifth ninja turtle brunicella what color is left yellow brown yeah no no no this is this is the this is the yellow of a new flame that's right i just that's what it is i decided to feed him with the weapon that never needs reloading despair no no wait what if what if what if What if he's green for the Ninja Turtle you'll never see coming? Wow.

So like nude. Oh, man. I mean, they're all nude, man. They are all nude, that's true. They're all nude. Don't make it weird. They're all very nude. Were the Ninja Turtles, the original Lord of the Rings masculinity avatars?

Yes. Yeah, like non-problematic masculinity, supportive, enthusiastic, affectionate. Then they put on the trench coats and it's kind of weird. Have we discussed which Ninja Turtles we are? because we have done this on hand in the dirt where Michael Felder and I both discovered that we are Michelangelo's who are aging unwillingly into Raphael.

This is what an idiot I am. I have watched the Teen Mutiny Ninja Turtle series. I have seen both of the movies, including the secret. Three movies, sir. There's three movies. Oh, I'm sorry. There's three. How dare you disrespect? Ryan, there's four. I had no idea they had different personalities.

Please don't disrespect turtles through time. What are you talking? about what are you talking about you don't know they're a different person no is it okay you're a michael angelo but this seals it no but my entire brain is just never gotten over watching like it's a talking turtle i think my brain never got over it's not even that impressive in it's not it doesn't even disagree evidently it's fucking kori feldman in a rubber suit what's not amazing about that wait wait wait that's kori feldman's i think the voice of one of them he's not in the suit though. I thought he played a person. Oh, okay.

Corey Feldman, Ninja Turtle. I'm pretty sure he is. I thought he played one of the disaffected youths. He's Donatello. And he is one of the least Donatello people in the world. Apart from Spencer. Yeah, Spencer's not right. Ryan, you're probably a Donatello. You're the smart one. I think that's probably true. Also, I just like don't do anything that interesting. Like, Donatello never is like, oh, they're never like, oh, don't know. Donatello had too much fun everybody disrespects the bow staff but look who gets to drive the pizza van that's true and also like i'm saying i like the bow staff because it's a very like hey man i never worry about like accidentally rolling over in my sleep and stabbing myself it's a fucking stick i'm fine um all right nursing

multiple eye injuries from my nunshots what are you talking about i'm fine uh all right this is from sports shouting on Twitter. I came home. I told you all about the time I went on a date in college with a dude who brought a pair of collapsible metal nunchucks and a holster on his belt. I think you just did. All right, we'll sit up for Valentine's Day.

Okay. There was not a second date. And I married him. Reader? All right, I came up, but he fell into the pool before the end of the date. It was not a pool party. I came home from class in undergrad to find a fire crackling merrily in the kitchen.

I thought it was nice until I had a fireplace. Until I remembered we didn't have a fireplace. That's correct. Oh, shit. I'm not looking at the list. My roommate had left the oven door open and turned it on self-cleaning without wiping out any grease. What the hell? What?

Which first of all, don't leave it open. No. Why would you do that? Why? How did the oven even start the self-cleaning? cycle I assume that means it was a pretty old oven that like didn't have the the safety features of modern appliances and where self where self cleaning was just like super broil burn that shit off pretty much scientific term for it pretty much um so uh yeah i got

i'm going to close this out on this okay if i can just finish this this is from at self-aware bear my buddies in high school work maintenance on a local golf course one summer the head turf guy foolishly asked them to deal to deal with some fire ant mounds on a small slope near the driving range that's mistake number one independent decision-making granted teens on a golf course that's on you they being male summer teenage employees decided to take a post hole digger to several piles and pour in gasoline figured they'd smoke them out oh god probably a hundred yards of hillside went up in flames smoke visible for miles eventually the grass in the hill burned itself out because it wasn't a very nice course ants survived yes yes I really hope they were standing there in a full-sized six-foot-tall ant was standing next to it going damn look at that

somebody's gonna get hurt you fucked up I'm gonna take your job I'll listen I'll get rid of the ants for like a hundred bucks it's been a hard winner we ain't got a shit we'll just go over to the next course come back we'd be like paying rent to ourselves

hundred bucks leave hundred bucks leave. People are dumb asses. Ants survived. Ants survived. By the way, buddies got asked to return the following summer. $8 an hour

under the table is a fortune to 11th graders. And damn, if that is not the truth.