Shutdown Fullcast - Football needs these first-time champs

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

We're here to ponder which schools would be the funniest first-time national champs in college football (oh right, we cover college football). Oregon is not discussed in this context, because Michael Dyer was down. And first, let's discuss the funnest parts of the 2019 Charity Bowl, which allows you to:  - help people in need  - shame your rivals - force Spencer to get a 1990 Citrus Bowl Champs tattoo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. This is the only college football podcast on the internet, and that's why we're going to talk to you today about a very serious college football matter. That would be making your rival look like the cheap, skimping, uncharitable, selfish people that they are. Freeloaders on the great paddle wheeler of life. Riverboat gamblers who never ante up but are always there to take when the pot's divvied up.

That's... You make it sound sexy. I did. Handsome men with moustaches roaming the river barges. Go on. No, no, no. These are cowards. But bad.

No, I'm sorry. Bad. Cowards with mustaches. Stolen mustache valor. That's our new Texas blog. We have a third one now for some reason. Cowards with mustaches. They're such pretty ones.

Oh, so strokeable. I know. No, no. No, bad. We'll resist your rogue wilds, Oklahoma State. We won't. Man, hey, you know who I haven't seen a lot of today? Oklahoma State.

About time you show up, folks, because what we're talking about is that, you know, you don't have much of a presence in the annual EDSBSBS charity bowl. That would be the one time that this entire community, the shutdown full cast listeners, EDSBSBs readers, rogue hangers on, you know, random people who just sort of enjoy coming in and like, I don't know, dropping a grand in donations just because they can. Which includes nobody from either Oklahoma school today, far as I can tell.

Hmm? Mm-hmm. You poor. Ah, that's okay. They're about to legalize weed. They're just going to get that GDP like through the roof. Not even Tulsa. Damn, Oklahoma.

Tulsa, come on. Show up, y'all. Show us. It's the golden hurricane. See that gold. bling it up yeah so you at t boone come on t boole seriously you're a bill you're still a billionaire right come are you think of that what's a grand to you maybe maybe you're not teaboon yeah yeah come on he's down there in the thousand-dayers with our president you spend that up you spend that on

valour track suits in a week come on drop drop us a grand t-boon no problem we've been doing this for we tried to figure it out before the show we do not know I think that's eight years. Yeah. Who's that? Oh, that's the voice of Padya Mixing, a long-time friend of mine and my former boss. This is what I wanted to ask Pady about tonight. Okay.

What was it like to have Spencer working for you and has anything changed? Has anything changed? Well, let's see. So Spencer and I worked together a very, very long time ago and we were babies. I was like 25 and I was running a department. I had no business running. And I hired Spencer to be a vocational counselor and ESL teacher for refugees. And Spencer was creative.

No, actually, you weren't bad at the job at all. You had a rapport with the clients. You were creative. It was fun to have you in the office, but you were new to the professional world. Still am. Like, you realize that wasn't a bug. That was a feature. Now, you're not wearing shoes right now, but at your initial job interview, I heard that you did show up in shoes.

Shoes, but no socks. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So he's degenerated. Improved. He's currently barefoot in my home. I've become a purer vision of myself.

No mustache. And Spencer did bring a Great Dane to work. Can I be specific? It was my Great Dane. Yeah. He didn't steal a Great Dane. That's true. It wasn't a random Great Dane.

It was your Great Dane. Would he do this? Yes. To an English class. Would it be fair to say that the Great Dane brought Spencer? That would be fair. That would be fair. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't really have much of a choice. choice. The dog was like, hey, I'm going to work with you. And you're like, oh, okay. Yeah, dude. Let's roll. It fit under my desk. Did it? Yeah. She curled, no, she curled right up. It was fine. You could barely see half of her under there.

Looking conspicuous. It's like when Ferdinand the Bull tries to hide behind a flower. Like, that's what it looks like. Petya's here for a reason. Petya is the head of New America Pathways. That is the refugee service organization that we raise money for, every year for as we said probably like eight years i think it was i think it was eight years okay if you don't know go higher we've been doing it for 73 years yeah yeah that's better should have like a telethon something my bowtie undone an hour 47 of it um we were we were selling

we were selling war bonds we started we're only bandages for the boys in the kermian war thank goodness we'll never have to fight Nazis again hey so speaking of which Duke y'all got to step up I know y'all are having a rough week but as of tonight we have all of $25 from Duke but do you know who they're beating who's Duke beating Michigan State with $10 oh when's that happened before I mean based on the big stories in sports news Duke you got money to throw around. Yeah, seriously. You're handing out money, so. You're handing out money to families. Yeah, come on. You already like to do this. There might be some people in here who can play basketball, and how do you want them to remember you? This is what we do for, I guess, our eighth year now.

We guessed. We don't know. We have everyone. We just ask for donations to New American Pathways and ask people to donate. preferably in the form of a score that reminds everybody of a time when your team beat your rival terribly for instance you know less your Texas or Texas A&M because those aren't rivals not right now they're definitely not thinking of each other right now kissing their pillows with the other's face crudely drawn on it in crayon little cowboy hat on the pillow too yeah the pillows got little white pants on it I love those too because the only thing they currently squabble over is which one brings in more revenue. So sure, if you want to donate $100 million in the name of Texas is rich, do it. As a Texas A&M fan himself said earlier tonight,

y'all, we got oil and gas money and a little brother complex. Let's put both of those things to work. Come on. Let's put this fundraiser on spinners. Right? You're closer to Houston than Austin is, right? Uh, zero dollars out of Houston today, by the way. Oh, well, again, they're a little tapped out right now. Yeah. Whatever do you mean? They went pretty large to start 2019.

You know, their money's going somewhere else. There's a whole damn NBA team draining their entire booster fund. Let's read the related story on SB Nation by noted NBA reporter

Stephen Coffrey. Wow. We'll have to get Tillman for Tita to kick in a couple of bucks. Dana, Dana, I don't know, man. Dana's probably. It's not like he's

busy. That money will come back. It's an investment. I gave it, I gave it to Rodrigo and Caracas on the third. He said he'd have it back by the 14th and double it. What could go wrong? How many people do you think Dana has in his phone named Roderigo? Seven. Yeah. Yeah. How many of them live in West Virginia? Five. Four or five. He's going to have to expand his Rodriguez portfolio in Texas. The fundraiser for New American Pathways, just get people like a little like, what does his money do? Like just in short, just a couple of things, you know, three or four things that if you go, okay, well, you know, refugees are resettled in Georgia, what do y'all help them do here? Well, first off, we're the organization that welcomes them to Georgia. We're there at

Hartsfield, Jackson International Airport when they arrive. And we continue to serve them from arrival through citizenship. So we provide housing, clothing, basic needs. We register kids in school. We take people to the doctor. We teach them how to use public transportation. We get them their first job. And then from there, we really work with families on the things that they've told us that they really care about. So we have a huge after-school program because refugee parents tell us that they really care about their kids taking advantage of all the opportunities that are available to them. We have a job to career program because a lot of refugees come in with professional experience and we help them work in their field. We help people become citizens. We help them reunite with

their families. And we help register people to vote. Last year, we registered 8,100,000, 222 people to vote as they swore in as U.S. citizens. That's beautiful. The after school program is probably my favorite. Can you tell me a little bit about the after school program because I've never been? They're the coolest. That's all. Like, Patty, actually, you worked with like kids.

Yeah, I did. I worked with high schoolers are awesome. They were easy. Oh, no, I love. I think that's my favorite thing that I ever did. I ran the youth program back when we were a RISA, before we became New American Pathways. And yeah, I absolutely, I love the kids.

I always kind of liked the troublemakers. But, you know, kids in after school, refugee kids, most of their parents can't speak English. So they can't get help with homework at home. So we help them with homework. We do fun activities. we go on field trips, and we play soccer. Soccer is the key to getting kids to show up, and then everything else is gravy.

Yeah, by the way, if you're ever volunteering at a refugee program after school, and the kids say, hey, you want to play soccer, the answer is no. They will knock you down. Yeah, no. No. They will knock you down. And then they will say, I'm sorry, Ms. Padia, but soccer. yeah they will they will kneecap you like the dutch soccer team so if you give them sports they'll learn stuff this is just like college football yeah see it's exactly like that um the the other thing my favorite thing about doing this is that one of the largest like non-governmental donors to new american pathways is after eight years of doing this is the edy sbs community football site yeah which

that's that's hard to explain to your board right yeah yeah it is our board is very appreciative of the you know of the edsbS community but yeah i do really struggle to explain um how this whole thing works why are all these people cussing about the state of alabama why aren't they cussing about the come on got to have real passion here you know yeah i know that like they want to sometimes You know, hey, it'd be fun to sort of reach out and reach out to 500, 600 donors. Oh, boy. So then they really say, well, what can we do for Spencer? And how do you keep them away from Spencer?

We could invite him to a meeting. No, no. You're going to find him under a desk like a Great Dane, maybe with another Great Dane. But he is found. So we did honor you with booze. Yeah, that was, no, that was a good call. At Red White and New at our big gala, we honored you with booze. Did you have to stand up at a table while people clapped?

I did. How was that? Terrible. Cool. See, it was the worst part of the night. The booze was good. The booze was great. This is the wonderful thing.

Standing up in front of people and then being called by your first name is, yeah. But, you know, it is, this fundraiser has actually been really important for us because when it started, like, eight years ago, we were an organization. that was almost completely funded by the federal government. And we didn't have the ability to kind of do the kind of programming that we really wanted and the things that our clients were asking for. And then every change in the government, and over the last years, there's been a lot of changes in the government, just dramatically impacted our organization.

And this was our first really big individual fundraiser. So it helped us kind of. develop an individual fundraising program. It helped us start that process of diversifying. And now here we are, you know, back then we were 90% government funded and now we're 60% government funded. And not all of that came from losing government money. So we've all kind of, so we've all kind of like grown up as a process together. Yeah. Absolutely. I like that. Yeah. Also, I say we've grown up. I said as a process. As a process. We have not grown up. Also, I really like reminding people. I'm like, you know, like, name a football refugee.

I'm like, Tim Biakabatouk, Michigan. Rennie Curran. Yeah, yeah, I think, yeah, he was an immigrant. Yeah, he was a refugee. Yeah, he was like, yeah, was librarian, uh, that his parents were immigrants, not refugees. I believe there was another receiver for Georgia. His name is escaping me, Jason, if you could pull this before I do, um, with your superior Georgia DNA. There was, there was another one pretty recently. I'm trying to think of the school. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, I don't know if we've had, I don't know if we've had, I don't. I don't know if there's been a Bosnian football player. I think so. Yeah? Yeah. But yeah, that's my favorite, though, because you get to say Bianca Batuka. Which is a fantastic name.

Muhammad Mascoa. How will you forget MoMAs? I know. I forgot Muhammad Massacqua. Best part about Muhammad Massacua and Rani Curran, by the way, Ernie Curran, who's an immigrant, not a refugee, but Rennie Curran was Liberian. I had like a bowling ball rolling downhill.

I know. I love Reddy Curran. Beautiful. And I like, you know, as a, like, I hated watching him against my team, but I love watching him play. It's like watching Champ Bailey. You're just like, oh, man, I can't hate you. I love you so much.

Mark Richt, when he recruited Renny Curran, he had to go to Petty will be able to fill in the blank here. Mark Rick had to go eat at Renny Curran's house. Reni Curran is Liberian, and the first thing that they did was feed him what. Mony Fish? With what? Foo-foo. Yes, but what to make somebody. really nervous i might not be used to that palette first thing hot sauce like they just got him to

eat like straight peppers when he walked in like you want to recruit my son eat these margaret was like yes ma'am did he flinch not until he closed the door been great oh god i'm gonna die and mark rich was never the same and that's why that's why he went to miami we'll just call that fact no hot sauce down there none no it's the bland And tasteless food. That's why he's kind of scarlet and complexion now. You might have noticed. Of Miami.

Well, this is going to go on all week. You can donate. We'll have the link in the post. We'll send everybody what they need to look at in order to contribute. I donated $41 and $14 today because that's what we beat Florida State by last year. It'll be worse this year. Are we able to also read the link, read the link for people who aren't looking at posts? We can do that.

I can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is donate now. Dot network for good. That's F-O-R, not the number. Dot org slash edsbsbs-2019. Donate-now. networkfor-good.

Dot org slash edsbsbs-2019. After day one, who we got? Oh, we had, look, we hadn't even going for a couple hours before our single donation record was, obliterated by a gentleman from Georgia Tech. And when I say obliterated, people were saying, oh, did he donate $220 to celebrate the long ago thrashing to Cumberland? No.

Did he donate, you know, $51.48 cents, 12 times once for every month in the year? Nope, he took that 5148 score and put some zeros after it for a $5,148 donation, Georgia Tech. You are insane. And Georgia Tech leads Michigan, which... Wow. I think the money canon has begun to wake up yet, but also, I don't know if this lead is surmountable. Like, this is a kind of commanding lead that no one has ever had on Michigan in the history of this. So it will, it will be interesting to watch them try and catch up.

As of like 8 p.m. tonight when we stopped counting donations because my eyes were crossing, Georgia Tech had $7,536 and 82 cents in donations trailed by Michigan. at $4,869.27. They were trailed by Washu and St. Louis, who had, I believe, $1,100 flat. Thank you, Washu. And they were trailed by everybody else. No other schools so far is over 1,000. Although there have been donations rolling in,

I know since we started recording. Woo! Y'all! We are a third of the way after day one to our $75,000 goal. And at 100K, we get to make Spencer do something seriously awful and disgusting to his body. Or, you know, not. Okay.

No, don't look at me like that because I was the one who suggested, hey, maybe the stretch goal this year doesn't have to be horrible. And you laughed. Spencer is about to do something very cool. Spencer has done something very cool, but we took a photo. We took a photo. Spencer, is this the ass tattoo year? It might be the ass tattoo. So previously, goals such as, what, 50, 25, 50, those resulted in?

It was like 40, like 35, 40. Last year it was going to be like 50 and we got to almost 70. Yeah. But previous goals only in the five digits resulted in tattoos on Spencer's body. So six? Body mod to actually like have Wolverine claws implanted in my. Or you might have to grow a stinger. And yellow jacket wings.

I like this. See, at least you went to Georgia Tech, so you would have one explicable tattoo on your person. That's true. 100K is the neck tattoo level. I just realized, dude. Because that means you really mean it. You're never going to have a real job. What are you worried about?

You're never going to. It's true, though. It's too late. Yeah, let's go like honeycomb pattern all around the neck. Honeycomb pattern tribal armband tattoo. Like honeycomb with barbed wire weaving in a. out of it. It'll be like, do you realize this will be the only hard Georgia Tech tattoo?

What about like an anklet tattoo, like an ankle bracelet with little B charms dangling from it? You should get a Russell Athletic Georgia Tech tattoo. Russell Athletic being the, the, the like, it's probably bad that that's the thing that made us laugh the hardest. Sorry, Russell. The like gym teacher class at like fitness gear that everyone else has got like Nike at Georgia Tech for years was like, nope, Russell athletic. It was like Auburn and Georgia Tech were the last two Russell schools.

I got, I got, we're going to go back tat for you, Spencer, all right? We're going to go five, just five, five things. One is pretty large. It's literally the number one. It's going to be in the middle of your back. Above that, we're going to go B-A-L. That's a Reggie ball, jersey on your back. Oh, God.

I was, well, that was terrifying. I was thinking that I could have like Calvin Johnson diving for a pass thrown by Reggie ball over on my shoulder. And the ball would just be like, eight feet off target you have the ball like the ball is on one leg and calvin is on the other leg as you walk he just comes close and oh so far away close again oh god love calvin johnson for being a legend that is built partially out of my quarterback was so bad i look like a god catching those passes how did you get so good in the nfl this is nothing my hands, damn it. And he retired early

because he was Alexander weeping after catching passes from Reggie Ball. There were no worlds left to conquer. Yeah, that in Detroit. He's like, well, I've had the ultimate experience. Reggie Ballett quarterback and the Detroit Lions, the NFL franchise. What more could a man want? Every day of my

life will be better than all of those. Do we have the full standings in front of us by chance? Yeah, do we have the full standings yet? What do you mean in full standings? school. Oh, by school. Not yet. We're going to have those up on the leaderboard on EDSDS in the morning. All right. Because we still have donations coming. I haven't had a chance to enter mine, uh, Kansas State 60, Jacksonville State 52. I haven't put Tennessee's in yet

because I haven't quite decided what I want to go for this year because we have nothing to celebrate. Um, right. I was just laughing at the idea that Texas A&M roars in with like 20 grand of the last day and I end up with a collie on my ass. Like just, and you'd be an honor to have her there to have Ms. Revely there. You got to get a 12 but you got to like... I don't know. Texas A&M has to crack a hundred bucks first which they have not done yet. If you get an A&M

tattoo you got to go to court to get approval to use like the bevel 12. No and by court he means Aggie court. Not court court. You're an Aggie court now. It's presided over by the dog. Like you get an A&M tattoo on your butt and they will literally sue your ass. I hope

Aggie court has Judge Rip Torn because Rip Torn did go to Texas A&M, right? So, like, Judge Ripped Horton is a possibility there. Hello, everyone. So, yeah, that's, these are all terrible possibilities. Yeah, but they're not in danger of happening so far because, again, Texas A&M has failed to crack a hundred bucks.

People on here, like, drive a stock car into a wall at 180 miles an hour. We got a lot of Becky Lynch energy still to get out after last night. I think that's as good as segue as any. We've got to recover from asking. Here's another. Here's another. Georgia Tech's in the lead, so we might have a first-time champ. Oh.

Nice segue, buddy. That was good. You had the turn signal on and everything, man. That was nice. Thanks. A very un-Atlanton of you. Because we had a couple. We had a first-time chant last night.

Kofy. Kofy. Kobe Kingston won. Come on WrestleMania. We would not think we were going to get that much happiness in one night. oh my god that was so moving because like there was multiple connections there's a college football connection because big e on new day it was uh rep in the university of iowa with uh his big corn fed thighs a dude has the biggest legs i've ever seen on a human being um and a sprayberry high

school connection correct former zavier woods high school wrestling champ zaver woods why is sprayberry high school special to us well i i went there along with there we're there we a bunch of wrestlers, but also me. I mean, why is it special to us? Because you're our special boy. It's that outstanding wrestling. Ryan's not here, so you're our special boy. It's the Cobb County vocational wrestling program that produced, among other people,

Buff Bagwell. Uh-huh. The big boss man. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't foist big boss man on us. I'm not letting that one slide. That's ridiculous. He's not our responsibility.

He had nothing to do with our fine hook program ask for his certificate and he will not be able to produce it yeah yeah he ain't from around here um so yeah big big emotions that did uh and tonight in addition to that but uh which by the way i will say this you complain about the length of a football game if you like okay it's not it's not five and a half hours it's not admittedly resslmania is way better than most four and a half hour football games on average seven and a half hours it was seven and a half with with undercard yeah yeah like it was light outside when we started and it was monday when we were done yeah oh my god yeah so like no matter how grueling it might feel to those of you who are at this very moment watching virginia play

virginia basketball uh just know that you didn't watch triple h face batista so it could always be worse Actually, no, that was better. One Virginia donor today dropped 500 bucks in honor of the average he spends on each trip to vineyard vines. 500, that's Virginia's record every year. God, that's majestic. Yeah, or also to represent Virginia's record, I did not ask. See, Texas A&M? Roll through.

How much you spend picking up a random duck blind at Buckees? Huh? Jimbo, I thought you had money. Come on. Yeah. $70 million guaranteed. guaranteed the lord himself ravelay could not take that money away from you but you repeat yourself come on how much can you spend on on new hair buddy he is about to find out that is the space race

you know hey did you notice that's a little space race did you notice in case texas an m texas isn't okay so jimbo fisher the space atop his head which is balding yes um perpetually balding and then always on the comeback i don't think he's gotten anything to really settle up there Texas A&M's new coach No. It's a homesteading battle. Have you seen Tom Herman this offseason? Oh, no. He's all the comeback trail, friends. Oh, no. Why?

He's already a shapeshifter. Just shave it, Tom. Tom's got, I will tell you this. Tom, he's been recruiting in new areas of his scalp. It's on the comeback, y'all. Texas is back. It's important to expand his territory. If it comes through and it's like Texas shaped up there,

oh, it's destiny. Texas might not like that, though. They might be like, that's gosh. That's something A&M would do. A&M would be like, he's got Texas in his forehead. It's a sign. The more scientific of fan base, by the way, and the more technical a fan base, the more superstitious they are about football.

This is canon. It's completely true in every single instance. We did have a first-time champion. We might have a first-time champion tonight. The basketball, we could pretend, like, let's do it like this. the champion of basketball of course that you folks

who actually watch this game is a first time champion that school is fill in blank here in post we won't we won't actually remember to do this but either way

Virginia or Texas test yeah this is where they can put the Vox ad there hey Vox people put the Vox ad here go put that Vox ad during their yeah space

so that we know it's all going to get skipped over oh wait no I can put it there I have the power now okay yeah do that we'll just do that space three two one We'll just delete all this chatter and put, no, I'll delete it in post.

Yes, so pause. I'm deleting nothing. So glad we got that right. I mean, that was an amazing call, Jason. All four of us just sitting here going like, I can't believe we picked the right team to win. There will be a new champion. And the thing is that neither of them will have any clue what to do with it. I think here's the thing.

We'll get, if you VA wins, you'll get shots from Charlottesville that are your standard. ACC students frolicking in the street there'll be like street cams they'll be people climbing on poles and stuff right do you think they have a single camera

in Lubbock tonight do they have a pole we'll all go climb the tree light penetrate in Lubbock do they have a street bunch of people in a patch of dirt y'all if you've never been to

Lubbock it's a lot like being to the moon yeah that's what I expect that like we'll get pictures two to three minutes after they beam into, right? That's from the fucking Mars rover. Just see an astronaut

with a cowboy hat and pistols. Don't fire those in the capsule. We found evidence of water in Lubbock. Also, they're going to have to celebrate in a dry county. Oh, it ain't dry tonight if they win. I love all this stipulation. about an event that will be over by the time people listen to this yeah that's uh if that whichever

of y'all lost and had to indoor talk about you celebrating in your town sorry sorry but also there's not that many of you on this podcast anyway um that did get us to thinking though about like uh first time champs in football who would have you know and how they would react to that there's like good list and bad list we're fond of the bad list generally if like yeah wouldn't be funny if they one because he'll never win it'll never happen I mean really it's very rare like the same 12 to 15 teams always win championships and college football that just yeah the last first time champ was was it Florida I always forget might have been Florida you know also the also the last first time champion basketball as

well mm-hmm you see Billy as hell do you see Billy Donovan today though he was that's like he's that's like okay I have I have things I want to say about this. No, this is fascinating. Yeah. Do you want me to set it up? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, so Billy Donovan, he's coached the Oklahoma City Thunder, used to coach at the University of Florida. Billy Donovan was being asked about Tom Izzo. Tom Izzo said that he felt like he needed to win two titles in order to really sort of feel validated as a basketball coach. Need to win two championships. He was asked about this, Billy Donovan was. And Billy Donovan's

response was, after I won my second one, I was wildly depressed. Like I was depressed. It's like it meant nothing. and it changed nothing i've never heard a coach say that never which i i think that i like that as a culture we're speaking more openly about this kind of thing and i hope it leads to more people doing that but i thought it was like i thought it was fascinating and i'm really glad he said that no it's stunning like you can hear the reporters go like he's like yeah i want a second one and it just i was depressed afterwards it was just hollow because if you're chasing the thing because his point was he went on to something that's like I think probably I think he took like the immediate swan dive into something that is pretty relatable he was like oh this is about relationships and this is about people and this is about you know doing this every day and enjoying that and you know really sort of working to accomplish a goal right but the titles kind of poison things for him and I thought about like he was there at the same time as Meyer yeah they're both like winning titles back to back and I kind of wonder if Billy Donovan like wicked over and Urban was like oh god

wow yeah that's what that's what you become jeez i'm not going to do that we live across the street from each other they did just to guess you wonder whether billy donovan was in a position to do that look over at see urban coming at three in the morning looking like he was going to die hey this is a great life this is fun but yeah i heard a coach actually say that today out loud also can i just say what a flex this is on tom iso a guy who's much older than billy donovan and has been coached But I don't think it was that, though. No, I don't. Like, I genuinely think he's being honest, and I don't give a shit about Billy Donovan,

but I think that was an accidental real moment. Yeah, no, I think he's, I think he, at one point, like, you know, burned out and something bad happened, and he kind of got off track and then said, hey, maybe I'll go coach Russell Westbrook. That seems less stressful than what I do. Yeah, but I'm going to go roam the heartland. I'll go roam the heartland. But I'll wander the world a spell.

Jason, who's your first time champ in college football that I guess, like, you'd want to see either for the good reasons or the bad reasons? I think this fits both bills, Wisconsin. How many people would die? Yeah. The Wisconsin drinking prowess has been well documented on this program. We've talked frequently about the brandy caves. But the brandy caves are real, man.

We've seen those. Yeah, yeah. But like, how do they dial it up? I feel like y'all might be more, have more expertise here. If you've actually, if you've actually witnessed the Brandy Cave. I think it would be outbreaks of Wisconsin everywhere with a focused implosion of Wisconsinism in Madison, right? Like Madison, it would be like, Madison is fallen. It is no more.

It is no more. It's gone. Yeah, arson. It's just, it's not there. It's like the Tunguska blast. It's just gone. just a big hole in the tundra up there by the lake there's just a lake and a blast crater everywhere else though there'd be like outbreaks of wisconsin there'd be like people you know

like drinking 24 packs sitting on top of city buses in cities that aren't even close to wisconsin right some guy to bat some got a badger's t-shirt in savannah right just sitting on the bus like hey i could drink out here legally because they just won yep squatters rights we're squatting on the title Yeah, Bucky's Law, look it up. So, like, what if they win the, they win a semifinal at the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans? So now you have Wisconsin fans celebrating in Norland. Oh, no, no. And then maybe they win the title game in, I don't know, Miami or something like that.

I think there'll be a warning shot. I think Indianapolis will happen. They'll go to Indy and they'll go. Indianapolis or the USS. I mean, they can drink Indie dry on accident. Yeah, no, I mean, that'll happen, right? They'll be like, oh, God, they burnt down every steakhouse in the same. city.

All two of them. He's drinking Hellman's mayonnaise now. We made it ferment. We're the new models. Opsetting. Yeah. Wisconsin would also have no clue what to do. None.

They'd have no clue. Like, I don't think most teams would know what to do if they won. They'd have no expectations, right? Wisconsin would go like, well, they always went 10 games. I guess we were going to knock this out, like, sooner or later. And then they would just go back to, you know, like, 8 and 4. Yeah. I mean, they've come pretty close to making the playoffs.

And they, uh, It's not unrealistic, right? They sort of backed into a few roles. Like, they've had a few chances. I think if you, I could see them, I think they're one of those teams that, again, I could see them, let me phrase this very carefully, accidentally backing into a national title game and also the back of your garage, right, over your mailbox.

I mean, if you can make a Rose Bowl at eight and five or whatever they were. The greatest Greatest Rose Bowl team ever Count it What do we say about Wisconsin Whenever they have a really good quarterback They're awesome Well they got five-star freshman right now

First time I've ever had that I mean come on That's worth an outside shot I was going to lean on I was going to lean on another team That have no idea what to do with success Which would be Oklahoma State Like still water is like

5,000 people It's tiny It's not a big place. There's not a whole lot of people watching. They'd be real enthusiastic. They'd have no clue what to do. Would it look like in Red Dead the camp party? Like, Jack's

Jack is home. Let's all have a little hoot nanny. We'll play and then gunfire breaks out. Watch me dance with this dog. It's on its high legs like a person. That's the school president. T-moon's crazy.

I mean, that would be delightful. I want it to happen for you, folks, you know? But like, it's going to be hard to explain that many people in black jeans and cowboy boots, you know? Like, that's not something America's used to, right? We went crazy over a dang trap song this week that had some country in it. Yeah, I was just about to say, the black jeans might be coming back. That might be the next crest of this wave. Oklahoma State riding the Yehaw movement to a national title. And again, this is something that almost happened. I mean, Texas Tech is powered to a title game.

They play, they play this song. They play the Old Town Road. They were an early adopter. They'll become impossibly powerful. Again, they might be losing at basketball as we speak. So apologies. Who knows? Definitely not us.

No. But Oklahoma State almost made, like, you know, they were right there. Yeah, they, like, if in a fair and just universe, they would have made title game in 2011. Yeah. Again, sorry for Sorry to everyone We're disappointing left and right By mentioning things that hurt

I know. Look, although I will say this As painful as that would have been Can you imagine Brandon Whedon against the team He would have faced in the national title game? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's better left alone. Maybe you fell off And you missed that wrong on the ladder

because the Lord thought you had gone high enough Are you saying minor league baseball pitchers versus NFL defensive secondaries in college is a bit of a mismatch? Listen, I'm just saying, Brandon, Brandon, Whedon, every pass was a slow-moving taxi. And eventually someone was going to hail one of those. Okay. Maybe three, four, seven of them. I don't know. He wasn't going to scramble out of any trouble.

How's that? Holly, if I mentioned West Virginia, is that going to hurt you too much? Wow. Go on. As a first time, as a team that can win a national title. This year? No, no, no. In the future.

In the future. In the future, just like, because, again, because they've come, like, within a couple of, like, degrees of probability of doing it. Yeah. Several times. Not just the one that everyone thinks of. Like, they've come. Like, yeah. Don't, man.

They've been right there. Like, we're at not for. You can go back to the 80s. you know they were a national they were listed as a national finalist once once all right that would be that would be with amazaraway mark balder 98 season i believe um which by the way that team flames was a fantastic team delightful uh also you got to say amazer away a lot that's an excellent college football this is painful for me now because we got kind of a rebuilding situation about to happen there.

Can we, can we not? Again, if it happened, it'd be spectacular. I think West Virginia would be okay with it because they would just be like, well, yeah, told you. Told you we could do it. Like Oklahoma State, I think they'd just be like, really? We did. We won?

Okay, cool. I hope T-Boon fires Gundy the second it happens. Took you long enough. Like fire him on stage. that midfield at the trophy presentation you're gone buddy he just rolls up and he's like just recites his record against the Sooners yep sorry didn't get it done in bedlam again this year that's one loss we can't tolerate that here Jason you got another one oh man uh let's see here let's see here um well our beloved Arizona state is on the list I really I don't know if

If Hermann Edwards wins in Heschel. Hey, buddy. We got playoffs now, huh? Who else? Who else we want in there other than an old hand NFL coach in the playoffs? We won the Super Bowl. Like, I just picture, like, OSU fans, it's like skepticism, WVU fans. It's like, well, fucking finally, ASU fans, like, do they notice?

Like, it's January. They're at the pool. right the bar is open it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's one week into January they're working on their tan you know how long that celebration would be though at ASU years

year seven of the championship like like Bama celebrates the title for like hours Clemson celebrates it for months ASU is just like football is canceled for like six years let's enjoy this we're leaving with the title belt you guys went one at 11 this year no isn't it cool yeah that's the attitude i would like to adopt that's the level of caring that i would like to have yeah don't do this slow decline where everyone gets nervous about you losing one game right don't do this thing where you get

a dynasty rolling and then with great tension wait for this first crack to appear right that sucks when i can actually kind of comment on this uh Atlanta united won a title last year, the city's first title that I've cared about in decades and decades. Actually, not four decades, but you know what I'm saying. And this year, they're kind of bad. And I don't give a shit at all. Like, we're still the reigning champs.

Who cares for terrible? So ASU, just take up this. They did it right. They had, like, they had to replace a manager, and everyone liked the manager, and the manager left, and they hired the least likable person on the planet, right? Like, oh, we're firing this guy. Like, there's no way he's going to have this job.

So don't even pretend to get committed to it. Yeah, he's going to work his system in. Sure. Well, you got to, you know, it was an emotional hire. It was like they were building up a bulwark in advance against what's eventually going to be an emotional firing. Like, you know, we got some feelings to work through. So it's like a, is this a pre-firing? Yeah, kind.

It's like a pre-unfollow of the professional world. Yeah, I think. I think the other one that, at least, you know, if we're going to count the modern era, I'd count the modern era. Well, Aggies, if we could. Oh, Jeff Sagerin's going to have some things to say about this. That's fine. You've incurred the wrath of the duncle index, sir.

You don't think I'm going to drop the people's elbow on a spreadsheet. Watch me. you don't think I'm going to give Jeff Sagger in front of all of his family but not his friends because that nerd can't have friends no no man no man who's that

who's that in love with Elo Chess is going to have a single friend to defend him no wow dude yeah yeah you hug that spreadsheet in the hospital after I put you there wow

it's just wildly threatening Jeff Sack Saggerer not a podcast. Jeff Sagger might be big, might be strong. I don't know. I've never really seen him. If I do this and Sager turns out to be a stacked six, seven. Yeah. He walks in like Batista.

Your only hope is to tag in Bill C. Yeah, that's it. And just like, y'all settle this. Y'all settle this on the battlefield of the mind. Distance and let you swing your little arms at him. Yeah. Let them fight. By God, here comes the.

the Billingsley report yeah that's uh they've got claimed they have three claim national titles oh we got a tag team in here Anderson and Hester oh they've got a they have a claim national title in 1939 yeah that one's uh I think that is the legit one I have let's see yeah that one is super legit but yeah if we're defining let's say World War II and on is modern I don't count I don't count anything before segregation Yeah, we've got, yeah, like that's at the end of segregation like that's So we're talking 70s onward Aggies you do not exist you know if at any point we can start making Bob Coozy type jokes about your skill players it's not happening right crazy legs Hirsch actually

Elmore crazy like hers which is actually go look at his film he's crazy that's why they called him crazy legs um hearing the name is what I'm saying but yeah if your last one that you're counting is 1939 we need to have a talk because that's that goes somewhere beyond stolen valor we want a title in 39

okay cool how many nobody been to the moon yet so do we want to say 1970 as and earlier does not count I'm okay I'm okay with that I'm completely okay with that so let's real quick

run through the schools that no longer have national titles. Yes, let's do that. Let's strip them. Princeton. Bye. Bye, Princeton. Get your ass out of here. Yeah.

Michigan, you have one. Woo. And it's a legitimate one. Completely legitimate. Michigan segregated for, it's integrated forever ago. No, no, no. We're not making fun of Michigan. It's a fine school.

Pitt, you're down to one. Let's see. Harvard, none. Minnesota, none. that's right pin you're gone Michigan State by Cal by Cornell Illinois out

you're all out Iowa sorry by the way I'm going to go back and just say that if you said Illinois national title in any year you're gaslighting me that did not happen I will deny they were great in the post World War I period

let's see Army not a single amputee in the entire team Lafayette, not U.L. Lafayette. The raging Cajun, you can keep all your national titles. The other Lafayette. I don't know how to pronounce that. They're from up north.

It doesn't matter. Ole Miss. Yes, sir. Yours are definitely gone. Yours are extra gone in this exercise. Problematic. By the way, not a single donor from the state of Mississippi today. Come on, y'all.

News haven't traveled there yet. Can't you get Uncle Catfish to throw in a couple of bucks? Chicago, Columbia, TCU, Stanford. Arkansas, Boston College. Out. Something called Center. Center with the RE, right? Yeah, Centrum.

Centrum. Sontra. Dartmouth, Detroit, Kentucky, Maryland, Navy, Oklahoma State, who somehow claims 1945 because the coach's poll put in a retroactive trophy for a year that was already insanely established. I'm going to claim 1945 on behalf of the Manhattan Project. Yeah, sorry. It's all the same to y'all.

National title winner there. That's Oak Ridge talking. Rutgers claims half of 1869, even though they were outscored on the year by the only other football team on Earth. Syracuse, you're gone, UCLA, you're gone. Again, not all of you are to blame for football not counting before the year 1970,

but some of you are, so you're all taking, you know, we're punishing the whole class here. Hotty-toddy. y'all want some breaking donation news since we started recording uh yeah kansas state has crossed the 1k mark with a single donor uh hundred bucks a month for the next 12 months whoa and we have dueling ls u and bama 500 dollars donations that arrived back to back i don't know what sick game y'all are playing but please keep it up please continue you know for once a smash mouth competition between ls

in Alabama seems to be benefiting everybody. Yeah, I'd like to see this rematch. I like how the game is like put in a score that will make a rival mad. And Bama and LSU are just like smashing the big button. Well, no, it's 500 to represent their record against one another in 2011. Yes, okay, good. Hammer! Well, would you try another move?

Hammer! I was thinking about using hammer! That's Alabama and LSU and they play just like, it's like Pokemon. but with only one thing, right? Yeah, nothing but level one. Yeah, your, your Pokemon hasn't learned shit. Yeah, it's just like, like two drunk Scottish dudes fighting each other. They're just headbutting.

He's learned punt. It's very effective. Yeah. You've learned to punt. Now you've learned to punt. Use put, Pikachu. This was, I think A&M is the one that, the national title, would be least sane.

I like, and I mean in the kind of like, yeah, dad just went into his like panic room for the next three days. He's got a TV in there. He's got enough beef jerky to last him for at least seven months. It's got sewage, filtration, water, all that lined up there. We might not see him again. I'm just picturing the longhorn reaction. I'm aware they're not rivals.

Not rivals. I'm aware the horns wouldn't even notice the result. or acknowledge it in any way, but like what the fuck would they do? What would they do if they were the two teams in the title game? How would we know?

They'll never talk about it. I know. I'm not aware of another game. I thought the Big 12 championship was always good. We declined to play this game. It's beneath our brand. We don't need them. Duke also being beaten in donations now by Dayton. Also, everyone else,

Well, if you went to Duke, you're not good at Dayton. I mean, come on. One of, like, your most famous grads, like, you know, before he became one of our most sinister presidents drove his wife around on dates with other men. Wait, what? Richard, you know that? Nixon did that. What the fuck. Nixon, yeah, Nixon and like, like Nixon, I think this was like college, I think.

Or high school, like, Nixon was like, so you want to go out? And she's like, you want to drive me on my dates with other guys? Nixon was like, sure. What the fuck? And this worked? He became president. Yeah, it worked. He just wore her down.

It's like, someday I will be a president. What kind of president? Don't ask. That's a very good Nixon. Thank you. That's the second voice that you can do. I can do Ricky Jervais. and Nixon. This does not speak well

as a person as a soul. So all evil Richards. All evil. I can only do evil dicks. Let's isolate that audio folks, the full cast out of context account. That was a... Yeah. Just imagine though, by the way,

like Aggies, everyone else nationally would have to go through the same process we went through in like 11. I was like, hey, Aggies are coming on board. Well, let's examine their unique culture up close. Wow, this is, you guys are mega weird. Like, this is like really. This is some like Colonel Kurtz up the river shit. So you guys have, have. So when you say dog church, that's not a metaphor. Dog church. Yeah, yeah, dog church with really good barbecue. And you have guys who looks like janitors leading the

cheers saying things like, who. But not like, okay, not like normal. But like Disney World janitors, like the crisp cover-all janitors. Like 1940s milkmen. I always thought they kind of look like the orderlies in a sinister movie about mental illness. Appropriate. Appropriate. Appropriate. Appropriate.

Appropriate. When a guy got too high on Reefer and was getting into the jazz scene and they had to take him to... Here come the yell leaders. Exactly. Here come the yell leaders who are like, hey, sharp! Hey, here comes our yell leaders. Saw him off! You're coming with us, sir.

Won't get you clean. Don't let them take me. Of course, if you were from Texas and they showed up, you'd be like, I don't know who's taking me to the looney bin. I don't know who's abducting me. I don't see anything happening. I don't even care. These guys aren't real.

That is the fan base I want to see exposed, like, on a national level for people to be like, oh, man, they do some really interesting things. Then, like, a week after this, when there's a constant exposure, everybody going, yeah, this is, you kind of just have to go with it, don't you? Put it back. Because there's a difference. The Longhorns are like, we're from Texas. Texas Animal are like, we're from College Station. Those two things. One includes the other.

Harvard's on the board. Look at that. Harvard's on the board. Yeah. Oh, finally made a valuable contribution to society. Harvard's first contribution to society. Finally, Harvard's useful. Oh, at last. Way to go, Harvard. uh can i recommend a uh another first time champ yes i have one i have one more same okay they might be the same uh washington state university no that is not mine does not mine which basically i mean it's basically the same as wisconsin except for substituting a slight bit of alcoholism for just natural weirdness i said slight i'm not insulting i know you you you

You emptied the plane. I know you emptied the Auburn bar. You're not Wisconsin, but still, I'm not, I'm not shorting you on your alcoholism here. But we're replacing it with a little bit of weird as all. I don't think they would, I think they'd be fine. Like if Wazoo won a national title, you know, like, what is Wazoo before the national title? Turned up to 11. Every bottle in the house empty.

And people rolling dumpsters downhill on campus. the thing that really happened on fire what would happen if they want a national title same thing that happens is on your average Saturday night like how would you know it'd be fine you know and also there's kind of a Lubbock effect here as well where it's basically quarantined from the rest of society exactly so yeah I don't think that would be too much there wouldn't be like a real loud noise can I give you one that would just be people who would know how to act in the celebration they would not know how to handle success they would let their expectations get so sky high that they would immediately slip into delusions of grandeur beyond that

imagined even by Arkansas fans what yeah yeah whoa whoa whoa whoa buddy yeah right bring that pony on back to the stable you you want to know where I'm going you want to know where I'm going with this and when I say it really actually this sounds terrible no you'll see like people People who, if that coach won a national title, he'd be fired in two years. Like, easy, okay? Not a danger with their current head coach, I will tell you. Because South Carolina in the event of the national title. Oh, God.

Woo! Yeah, man. Unfortunately, that's never going to happen. I mean, they have, you know, they have one division title in the program's history. Oh, I'm aware. So are you. They won the ACC, they won the ACC in 1969. Maybe they should go back there.

Done count. Yeah, there you go. See it before 1970. That doesn't even count. Oh, they, they, they got it in at the opposite of the buzzer. Yeah. You should have saved that for a few years, you dummies. They hit it at the negative one mark on the clock.

Stupid idiots. The game hadn't started yet. Auburn's like, happens. Happens to the best of us and also to Auburn. Wow. Yeah. You know that, like, the program has an illustrious history when one entry on the Wikipedia page is

Seyvel Newton joins the 600 Club. I mean, I say this with all due affection towards Seyvel Newton as a player. He was real fun. If he is a large part of your program's history, it's not been a good history. It's not been great. If they won, they would have no idea what to do.

None. And by that, I mean, like, we say, oh, they have no idea what to do. They have no idea what to do with happiness. No, no, no. they would assume they'd be like they would have like motor confusion yeah muscle muscle memory problems

yeah like people driving into trees like my hands don't work I can't believe we won like people who their delusions about that program they'd be like it's time at last they would assume they were on some sort of Clemson trajectory where they were going to be competing with Alabama every single year and yeah South Carolina did be in Alabama that one time

I don't forget that because it was funny and it involved several amazing players, including, yes, Stephen Garcia. Man, we're right back to men with moustaches that you should never run away with. Came full circle, didn't it? But South Carolina, South Carolina would assume like, oh man, our era is here. We will rain forever, and in two years, that coach would be torched, gone. That coach would be like, I'm going to go coach the Jets. Bye.

So Will Mustchamp is coaching the Jets. Oh, God. Will Mustchamp, New York City. More like Mustchump. Huh? Are you kidding? That man will be a god at Sabaros. Are there still Sabarros?

It is the New York-style pizza place, and I assume it's still there. Shut down Fullcat has a word. Shut down Fullcat's like, why are you even speaking this into reality? It might happen. Just to confuse Will Must-Champ coaching a fuller. 4-2 game somewhere against Bill Belichick when Belichick's like 80

yeah South Carolina would be a South Carolina would be an absolute flaming disaster oh can you imagine that yeah can't can't quite picture it