Shutdown Fullcast - Fullcast After Dark: Die Zesty

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

Wwwwwwelcome to the weird coaching decisions derby! This exclusive recording of Week 3's midnight live show includes never-before-heard footage of our extremely sleepy preshow meeting! If you didn't appreciate Lance Leipold at his Six National Championships you don't deserve him at his Made Kansas Good At Football Can anybody think of an ascendant coach who might wanna go to Louisville? Enjoy some live reactions to nightcap games in progress and us fighting Miami fans online in real time! Things continue to get worse for Nebraska in so many different ways! We enter the Hawaii-Iowa time loop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Tyler Van Dyke really is completely validating my belief that you should never, ever trust a quarterback with three names. You know, that's not how that works, right? It is how this works. Does Neil O'Donnell have three names? Yes. Theoretically, yeah. He does have three names. Neil O'Donnell.

Miami was so sure they were going to just come in and fucking blow the doors off this team. They were positive. Were they? Miami Twitter was so positive they were going to come in and blow the doors The additional noun there You're right You're right

I should have refraised that Probably the greatest disparity at all times Between online confidence And the confidence of the people Who actually have to do the task Yeah that's you and on You're listening to

Wow The revolution's going to happen any minute now. Tyler Van Dyke's going to throw it for 300. We're going to blow them out in a college station, baby. I don't know that a resolution had a four-drink minimum. This is the kind of optimism it takes to be a dolphins fan for like 25 years or something. It is. No, and honestly, like, the parallels go beyond.

J. Fiedler's the answer. Dante Cold Pepper with one leprous knee. You just put a little, scope it out, put a little aquarium. in there. That's correctable. Right. Are we ready? Are we doing this? Got your NF tuck ready? Fuck. I can't believe.

Yeah, when they say that the shoes are identical to ones that he wore in a game, can we like specify that it not be this game? Do we get to pick? I don't think you do. It's unfortunate. The market will pick for you.

I would have, like, Penn State, Oliver. That's really what I want to talk about So many, today was so long Penn State Auburn All day And yet you didn't put it in the damn sheet You coward Make me a speaker

That was a very good Not commercial but like Computer voice Software starting up voice Yeah For men Yep It says I'm a speaker

Yeah I'm a speaker as well We're all speakers I shouldn't be a speaker All of us are speakers. Thank you, Doug, for going into order of importance. I'm a subwifer. That's not true.

You're built like a subwifer. I'm a tweeter. Mr. Tweeter. I call this guy Harris Tweeter. Wow. You can't start off with that kind of heat. How are we supposed to? That's probably somebody on the NC State roster for being honest.

Sub-tweeter. Yeah, sub-tweeter. he's a db holly you're uh you're muted in there well shit oh my god dan levitart's listening that can't be right

he's got to bed time go to bed boss hi jane I'm just kidding juju hey juju hey jane hi jane hi josh

I'm just scrolling seeing who we got jane's in here billy's in here vicks in here stephanie's in here Josh black rachel chaco taco taco

hi brimack what's up susan what's up stephanie Oh, we got a whole Cavalcade of people in here. Cattle what? Cavalcade. Second time I've used the word cavalcade today,

the first describing the entire end zone at South Carolina being blocked by, I don't know, a bunch of ladies. I think they were being honored for women's sports and they decided to honor the end zone by actually putting someone from South Carolina in it. That was pretty cool. I think this is a great physical representation

of why women don't belong in football. Why don't we do baptisms during games? Clemson would like a word Speaking of the state of South Carolina We're over a thousand Oh there we go Miami is continuing It's what would be a 99-yard touchdown drive

Because Jimbo insisted on punting From like the Miami 41 on fourth and three That's not even the dumbest point That's not even the dumbest kick yard line We've had today No There's plenty of dumb shit today God, there's so much dumb shit today.

Spencer Rover 1,000. Do the thing. Forecast after dark for men. To the full cast after dark. Brian, are you a honkshoe or a like snort me, me, me, me, me, me guy. I'm a hawkshoe. I'm a honk shoe. Yeah, I'm a snore me, me, me, me, me guy.

I also have a little candle by my bedside and a little nightcap. The floppy one? The floppy one, yeah. Put that on. I can't sleep without it. I got to assume if you wore pajamas, you would catch on. fire. I assume you run that hot, that if you went to bed in like full pajamas, you would wake up with a sunburn, basically. If I go to, if I go to bed in full pajamas, you can slide a turkey

in there with me and in the morning, done to perfection. Now, when you say in there, low and slow is what he means. In my butt. That's how you put it in. That's how you put the turkey and Spencer, low and slow. Welcome, folks. Welcome, more than a thousand of you who just heard that. Yes, yes. You will now not be sleeping tonight, so you might as well stay here with us. It's safe here. It's week three.

It's week three, you're going to get talk about turkeys being put in the wrong places, or maybe in the oh so right places. You are listening to me. I am Spencer Hall. We also have in order of geographic distance. Ryan Nanny in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee Go doors! Go doors! That is correct.

Playoff pick, bitches. Don't sleep on them. Don't laugh. Vanderbilt got a dub today. And as somebody whose team also got a win, we are exactly the same with exactly the same expectations. Congratulations to us both.

Y'all, it was week three. This is, you get weird. It is. What do you mean? It is. Hawaii hadn't even kicked off yet. Watch your mouth. A&M Miami is still going on right now.

A&M Miami. Arizona has barely begun to lose to North Dakota. SEC honk Spencer Hall says week three is over. This game's over. Come on. It's cute that we think Miami's going to do anything here, but Mario Crystal Ball is going to kick two more field goals. Eastern Michigan is beating Arizona State.

Acknowledge. Wait, really? Yes. Wait, what? Acknowledge E. Acknowledge! That's beautiful. I love that.

That's perverse and I like it. That is deep kink. I'm impressed. Please don't say deep kink again. Deep. No. I can still only hear like every other word he's saying. I think deep kink refers to the turkey.

Deep kink. I think it's better this way, Holly. Yeah. If he's going to keep talking like that, That's fine. The Lord is providing. Can we get one unpleasant thing out of the way? Yep.

Yes. Georgia's going to win the national title. Yep. Just go ahead. Going to happen. Jetson Bennett's going to win the Heisman. Just go ahead. Say it's going to happen.

Now, I realize that's more personally upsetting to you than the possibility that. Jets and Bennett winning the Heisman? No. No, who cares about that part? The Heism is whatever. The title. Georgia winning the title, I recognize. be more personally upsetting for you than Ohio State winning the title, particularly because

you're in Ohio State fan at the moment. But do you acknowledge Ohio State as like the team that could challenge Georgia? Or are you writing them off as well? Gosh. I'm going to write them off. Well, of course you are. You're paid by the SEC. Is the more emotional balanced thing to do to have belief in yourself or to be humble?

I don't know. I'm a little lost here. Not to be humble so much as to be pragmatic. I will say out of respect for the current title holder, I have to assume that inertia being what it is, the universe will continue in the direction. It's already been flowing. And my job is to just live in that river of time not to fight against it. Go back. Wait, you say that, but you don't think Tennessee is going to lose to Florida next week? We don't have to talk about that game. Oh, we're not. No, no. We don't have to talk about that game until it's absolutely necessary to talk about that game. Monday to 7 on the SEC network. Can I ask one question that I think other people would like to know as well? Nobody actually wants to know about this. Is there a point for you, Holly, at which you would say,

okay, yes, I will now allow myself some level of confidence in this version of Tennessee football? I do have confidence. It's just not in the direction that some people would like. Okay. Okay. you will feel confident when like the clock elapses and runs out in the car on the way home i will uncross my arms that's really apollo 11 of you it's like not not until we're back on earth fuckers yeah i got a real i think Tennessee football should be best approached in the manner it's

approached by scott glen in the right stuff just grit your teeth and put the biggest needles in that you can find. Note this team that we're talking about right now, 163 to 6 today. Akron! 163 to 6. There are teams that won by far fewer points today. Okay. They also struggled with Pittsburgh,

and Pittsburgh struggled with Western Michigan today. How would you say Auburn didn't necessarily win by fewer points today? What would you say the point today? What is the thesis statement here is what I would ask Ph.D. candidate Brian Harsen. What are you trying to do? What is any of this? What are you trying? We're like, THD. I hope the answer is medical fraud. I hope the answer is medical fraud is what we're trying to do here. Miami is kept a field goal. It's now 9 to 7. That's one. One of two. Okay, Mario looks tonight with his hair like this.

Like if you gave Timothy Oliphant the, um, not Super Soldier serum. The Bain cocktail? I was going to say the serum that created abomination. Sure. Yeah. The handsome, the handsome serum. Timothy Swolephant. Timothy Swolephant.

The old, yeah, the olefant oliphant. Um, the fucked up thing about the Penn State Auburn game is that almost everybody, almost everybody online who's an Auburn fan is like good fucking great like yes please this boat cannot burn this boat cannot burn fast enough please more kerosy and I demand it so when the Andrea Doria was hit by the Stockholm and began to sink the they actually did a really good job getting everyone off the boat after the initial disaster of the hit and when they did they had to convince the captain to leave because he was this old school guy who really thought i have to go down with the ship even though they're like we have hours you can go you've you've done everything we've already got your stuff right you can go this was a real issue with the italian navy during world war two like stopping the captains from committing suicide yeah they were all about it they were like yo it is so cool to do this

eventually the Italian Navy had to be like we're running out of you please stop dying with the ships I assumed in that case it was because they were like oh a sexy mermaid will save me it's more like I will return to the depths and become the sexy

mermaid of my own dreams be the sexy mermaid you want to see in the world drive around drive around in my underwater alpha Romeo right with my beautiful mermaid mistress, smoking underwater. The dream.

That's it. The dream. They should have just told them that. You can't smoke underwater. Accidenti. It'd be like, you know where I don't have to pay taxes? Down here. Hey, um, but the point being, point being, no, everybody was like, you're a good captain.

You should come with us. You did your job. No one's doing that with Harsen. Like, if the SS Auburn is. is about to sink and he's like, I have to go down with the ship. They're like, well, you got to do what you've got to do. They're like, cool, I got handcuffs, I got duct tape. Do you want us to make sure you stay in there?

I know several thoughts. We can bolt the door, yeah. I can knock you out if that's easier. Yeah, can I have your stuff? How did, why didn't they just fucking fire him over the summer like they were trying to do? Well, remember, they had to get rid of the AD first. Why? This is the most Auburn thing ever, that the,

A.D. who was on the hook for him got fired, so now they have to shift everything over in this effort to get him fired. Also, they didn't really have anyone that they had in mind that they could agree on. Remember, we're back to the same problem. We're back to the same problem. That has never stopped Auburn from making a bad decision.

That has never... Auburn will 100% quit a job without having a new one lined up. I got... Hey man, I got like 900 bucks in the bank. It's cool. I can coast on that for a while. You know, a little bit of ramen. little bit of like Netflix. I got to cancel Hulu, but, you know.

I can only fans. Look at me. I can do it. I just, Penn State just beat the fuck out of them. Oh, Penn State absolutely. I will, to paraphrase Treblah, Penn State ate that shit. That's, that's Treblah. It's fond of saying that about the opponent of the day. And it was absolutely true. I, they were, they were beaten. And I don't mean like usually it's like, oh, maybe they committed a bunch of turnovers and mistakes. They got short fields.

They did. They did do those things. They did do those things. But Penn State ran them over. This is not the kind of like fluky team gave up loss that I think maybe Auburned fans could live with structurally if they thought there was something better around the corner. No. No, they got pounded.

They got hammered. Penn State averaged 6.28 yards per carry in this game. And I believe over 10 in the second half. uh-huh yeah yeah that's bad also yeah also Sean Clifford Sean Clifford ate you up that's that's not good Sean Clifford is a fine quarterback I don't know if he's the kind guy who should go on the road did you see he did get nailed on that first drive and there were a bunch of bunch of people online saying like welcome to the SEC Sean Clifford

oh boy yeah because like welcome to real Football. Penn State quarterbacks are typically not used to being, like, flattened every five minutes. It's definitely not a thing that happens to them constantly. I literally named a prayer out of, like, one of them two quarterbacks ago. Bet you never been hit by a bicycle. Bitch, I had a bus fall on me. Every week.

Every week. Penn State, welcome to our 90,000-seat stadium. Bet you've never seen one of these before. Christian Hackenberg basically is the ship of Theseus at this point. Yeah Just put another part on there theoretically It's still Christian Ackenberg

Is he still a jet because this would make him a seaplane? No, I think he's his coach in high school God, that's such good Good, good, get him out of harm's way Yeah, it's for the best 20 years ago somebody bet James Franklin He couldn't win 9 to 10 games a year Without an offensive line and he said

Brother, I'll make you pay that wager every year And yet, and yet Auburn was the one that doesn't have an offensive line in this game. Yeah, not at all. They gave up six sacks. They got, they had 12 positions in this game, and they only got one sack. There wasn't a possession where they had more than one sack given up. So 50% of the time they were going to give up a sack.

Auburn was sad that James Franklin didn't have a good chance to fuck this game up. Yeah, though, they took it out of the thing. It was real weird. No, I mean like time I mean, I don't mean throughout I mean like some weird clock management thing Yes Or yeah

They took it out of the time lord's hand Why am I trying to explain this to you all? Yeah, some weird thing where he's like He took a timeout on an extra point That's fucking weird Why did he do that? Then he just kicked He took a delay a game

Yeah, but it didn't matter It didn't matter That's how bad Auburn was Auburn also Their best player offensively is Tank Bigsby How many kids are carries did Tank Biggsby have in this game? 10, 12, 4.

You are over. Holly is closer at 9. 9. Tank Biggsby had nine carries in this game. Total. They weren't down that. They weren't out of it and down that fast, y'all. No, it was what?

It was the 14-6 at half? Yeah, yeah, 14-6. The second half of this game was, oh, boy. there were a lot of teams who had some unfortunate second halves today it happens to a lot of teams it does there's no shaming at mississippi state there he's shaming it actually

they're like this this is what a weird day because there's just so many absolutely asswoping blowouts which really magnifies the teams particularly the good teams that could not achieve that specific that specific standard like you go through the scores it's like 63 777 21 49 14 59 nothing 3827 what happened there arkansas that's not that's not a very big guy oh michigan state you're

on the wrong side of those numbers but our Arkansas football had my favorite social media post of the day which is how do you address almost losing to uh to bobby petrino's missouri state game and their answer is to post the score and then the caption okay well hogs win. This was definitely the first time I can, I mean, it's absolutely the first time it's ever happened, a top 10 team on the ropes against an FCS team, and everyone is rooting for the SEC team. That is incomprehensible.

Like neutral fans are like, please don't let this asshole win. No, that can't happen. Like, I don't, I can't even imagine, and like, I guess it would have to be a coach with a scandal plagued past like, but. Petrinos. There are not many of those, but yeah, what a new thing to see on this Saturday. It was full of surprises. For instance, if you look and go, hey, I bet South Carolina really like cut it loose in losing 48 to 7 and sort of let Spencer Rattler be Spencer Rattler and just get all over the, no, not really. They didn't even lose with Flair, which is the most disappointing

part. Spencer Rattler only had 118 yards passing. And he only had two interceptions. I thought you could have died a little zesterier than that go out a little harder next time is all i'm asking that was one of those where it was like you know i think coaches and sometimes fans are like well it's it's better to not get shut out is it i think i think you know i think like what's the difference here i think you get shut out and you can you can make the argument like see we need reinforcements bad yeah right like if you get if you get a touchdown then You could have done this. You agree.

Well, clearly you were able to score. Why didn't you do it again? Yep. This game was really weird. It was like an hour into it. And people were saying like, well, I guess we can give up on South Carolina for the day. And it was like, why the fuck did you even, why was it ever in dispute? Why didn't you give up on them before the kickoff?

There were so many people who gave South Carolina like a quarter to prove themselves. Why did you do that? So this was a good weekend for, like, shedding old notions. Like, there was nothing. Multi. Yeah. Multi. Well, Alex Kircher said this about Auburn.

Like, there's no chaos Auburn right now. It's not a thing. They don't do anything that you're like, oh, that's some crazy. That's some weird shit. That shouldn't happen. You shouldn't be able to throw a barrel like that. Yeah. No.

Because their chaos man is off. beating BYU by 21 points. Correct. But they, like, they don't have it. Georgia, South Carolina, you know, in not that long ago, has been one of those games. The other game that stuck out to me that was like, this was Michigan, Yukon, because everybody's like, oh, man, Michigan fucking scheduling nobody. And it's like, guys, we are not that far removed from Michigan barely beating Yukon.

But things change. And now, like, Georgia, South Carolina is just like, just check. the box and move on it doesn't hear hey bama finally got over the uLM hump like it was a good good for them i mean let's celebrate personal growth wherever we can find it we were talking about this in the channel six space this morning i'm mad about the georgia thing because i don't think which is reasonable given attrition i don't think their defense is quite as much fun to watch as it was last year and it it makes there's no room for silliness right right yeah but jetson bennett just scamper it and scooting and showing his mobility which by the way

stetson bennett was in this game up 38 zero and throwing and running after he had needed oxygen earlier in the game kirby what the fuck are you trying to prove sit him down curvy's trying to make sure my heisman finalist uh wager cashes thank you thank you coach you know what i think you know i really think it's this. I think Kirby is like everything, I think Stetson is everything Kirby wanted to be. Oh no, I have a different theory. I think he resists. Living back, I think he resents.

Oh, man. Oh, man. His hair looks different every day. I wish I could live that way. Damn, he's so cool. Look at the graphics on his pickup. Exactly. I still maintain he's like, oh, damn, he's got a Cummins power stroke in that thing. God damn, why Stetson's so cool?

He goes by the frat house and sees him like putting down an entire tall boy in one go and then like walks up and chips a putt perfectly and it's like damn i wish i could have been stetson he's just everything that what were you saying hi that i think he resents watching the offense game productive yards in practice and so he takes it out on stetson in games so 120 120 degrees out there why don't you sit at why don't you throw another touchdown you miserable son of a bitch enjoy it

it's fucked up I'll put a third gigantic tight end so you have to throw a TD out there there was a wild trivia question in the

Georgia game today and Spencer I know you saw this Jason and Ryan do you happen to know who holds the Georgia single game record for interceptions

on the defensive side or throwing them sorry catching them making oh um no i i could hint he was in the stadium today it's kirby all right are you saying that he it was as if he were inhaling them i assume at the time he was referred to as sneaky athletic this is like how bruce arians like held the rushing quarterback rushing touchdown mark at virginia tech for a for a long ass time it's like he's like him like him and mike vick right it was like we should move on from this terrible game but please just remember i know a lot of us are having

bad days out there tonight auburn this is for you no matter what happened to you today you didn't get juked by stetson bennett you will you will ryan i'm trying to help this is the matter of time like ryan you made me wake up the dog i'm trying to help was there a single moment in auburn penn state where you thought the dog is upset and it's your fault where you thought Auburn can hang with Georgia for a quarter

it's not going to happen but we never think that but it's not going to happen so Auburn go ahead on no I get Ryan's complaint it's what I was griping about this morning

on the Channel 6 space there it doesn't feel like there is any room for anything wacky to happen with this team which sucks because Georgia is a team that is notoriously low on wackiness on a good day. The other team on Georgia's schedule that was starting out the year, like, I don't know, that's kind of interesting, was Mississippi State. Well, I fucking goodbye to that.

And this, man, this, I didn't know Will Rogers was still at, Will Rogers is 106 years old. Yeah. And has an incredible backfield. And if they can't get past LSU, I don't, this was good. This is supposed to be the year. This was supposed to be the team. What are we doing?

How many points unanswered? Did they give up to LSU? Too many if it's this year's LSU. If it's Jaden Daniels. It's just not, that is not acceptable in any way. I know the announcers were saying. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Sorry. Folks, if you're watching along, I would like to key your DVR, it's 309 to go in Miami, Texas, A&O. Miami just punted the ball. Texas A&M Muff the punt, but it does appear like they've recovered. Muff is such a, like,

muff is a term that they came up with to really let you know you did something disastrously uncool. Like, it's the least cool term. See, I think it's a misnomer because muffs are cuddly. It sounds like you caught it with really soft hands. But I think,

I think using it as a verb is what makes it sound super uncool. It landed in a cradle of rabbit fur. Like, oh, you muffed it. Like, That's something like a three-year-old does when he misses trying to put food in his mouth. Are you saying the term is like kind of coddling and like, oh, you fucked up really bad. Oh, oh, little guy, you buffed that one.

Yeah. Instead of telling you what you really did, we made up a cutesy word for it. That's how bad it is. Yes, it's like, oh, we call it making boom boom, not you shit yourself. We can't even describe how bad you fucked up because you'll cry. I just realized an additional source of consternation for you. You have a son who has never known a world where Georgia didn't have a national title. And it looks like you're going to have to sit through another year of that.

That's got to be rough on you as a parent. That's fine. You know, we're going to raise them as a Bucks fan just like I am. A positive Bucks fan, which congratulations, by the way, on your outstanding win over Akron. Thank you. No, Spencer. Not who they played. They're not who they played?

They defeated a much better team than Akron. Toledo. Toledo. Okay, those are the same cities. Don't try to kill me. This was the Spanish one we played actually. Akron. Spanish Akron.

No. Akron. They're both Spanish cities. I'm sorry. Toledo is Michigan, Akron. Border, it's the one that they actually fought a war over. Nobody's ever fought a war over Akron. Spencer, how did you pass your driver's test?

With flying colors. Proof he did. Preparations overrated. Like I was saying, in an effort to be positive for Ryan, congratulations on your win over Toledo. Thank you. I will tell you who was over-prepared today. That's Troy.

Troy, really? Troy really got the whiteboard out and figured out, did all the math and said, X and then, like, Jason, would you like to explain what the fuck happened? This shit was spares. Spectacular. So Troy had the ball. It was fourth down. Off the top of my head, I think it was about 27 seconds left. Troy had the ball on around the 1520. You can punt the ball away, but I guess you risk the punt being blocked and then App State takes the lead right then and there. Or you can go giga omniverse brain and run out the back of the end zone for the intentional safety. What was the score deficit at that point? It went from four to two, which takes you from App State needing more than a field goal

to App State needing a field goal for the victory. Volovsky method. Peeled off seven seconds. There are numerous examples in history of intentional safeties being the smart move. 13-9 is the one that comes to mind for most college sports fans. John Harbaugh won a gang Super Bowl with one. Yeah, yeah. Like, there are lots of smart intentional safeties.

One that takes you under three points being the margin. Oh, my God. And then. And then. Okay, go ahead. It gets dumber, but let's hear this. Did I say kick a game winning field goal? Well, they didn't have to because Troy fucking squib kicked it,

which meant App got to start their final drive from midfield. 20 seconds to get within field goal range. thanks to some misfires in the passing game and those I think they took three shots they just a Hail Mary and thanks to the Squibb kick the Hail Mary was close enough to the end zone to go in once it doanked off a few guys standing around there

so spectacular work by Troy it was so galaxy brain that I don't even know whether it ended up being a costly idea or not like I will just say this I don't think you should ever take the intentional safety because even if the math says it's wrong, I've seen it go wrong so many times, so many damn times.

It is one of those things in this case where like, it's like, oh, they really fucked up. And it's like, yeah, they still needed basically a short volleyball game to break out for App State to win this game. Yeah, it's like, it was really close to not mattering because, you know, they were inches away from winning. And they, and app was not at all within field, like the field goal part of it did not even come close to. Thanks to some, thanks to some decent. It didn't lose in the way you thought they would have lost because of this. Right. Thanks to some decent defense after the bizarre idea.

The, the terrible circumstance that they created didn't matter, but they found an even worse one. Troy is the team of the day. This was great shit. Just great, great shit. But now the witch king, Mac Brown is the only thing. stand that has prevented App State from being, I don't know, top 15. The only thing keeping Upstate out of the playoff is, is, is, is, his background's team giving up only 40 points in a quarter.

40 points out. And two, and a potential game winning, like what, game time, game winning, no, game winning two point conversion that they got two shots out in the last minute. Someone pointed out. Someone pointed out that App State scoring 40 points in a quarter against the single team they most want to beat and losing was their third most exciting game out of three games so far this year what an incredible season already normal sport someone in i love that someone in western north carolina is going to take fifth year senior chase bryce who is on his third team and

who can throw the ball at best like 40 yards down field and they are going to make him there do it for him guy right they're going to be like i'm going through a tough time they're going to look up at the poster there's going to be chase bryce and they're like that's my guy i can get through this chase bryce is going to get me through this um speaking of uh app state say let's say you know we we love we love the mountaineers but say they drop another game if they lose again your new year six front renter might be Tulane three and oh uh i believe i have this right There are only two non-power FBS teams that are actually eligible for that game that are undefeated, Coastal, and Tulane.

And Coastal played a tight one today. Coastal one. Yeah, Tulane. You don't just invite a linguist into your house. Tulane got the P5 win over Kansas State. Tulane picked up the transitive ass-wipping of Missou today. Which now throws us into a world where Kansas is the dominant football program in the state. Kansas is the best team in Kansas.

Kansas is the best team in the Big 12. Kansas is the best team in the fucking Dust Bowl. Here's a very fucked up thing. Kansas is 3 and O. That's a little fucked up. Kansas hasn't won four games in a season since 2009. They just have to win one more. And it's the best season in 13 years.

And who do they beat if they win next week to reach 4 and 0, which undefeated team will they have defeated in the process? They will have beaten undefeated Duke in football. Hell yes, Duke football. Every 15 years, they create a corn gollum out in the field, and it rises with a ferocity unknown demand, and takes all those shucks, and just goes and clears out an entire year for Kansas football.

It's not even, like, what's amazing is it's not even like, Oh, man. You know, Kansas has squeaked by this game, and they, like, got this. It's like, no, man, Kansas just fucking put it on people. They were their highest scoring team in the country, and then they dropped 48 on Houston today. Which 48 brings down their average. Yes, it does. I don't think they're number one anymore because Ohio State dropped 77, but still,

Kansas is used to being on the total opposite side. And they went down to the state early. They went down, they were down 14. you know in that game so it's also not like oh if Kansas has just had everything go there it's it's pretty fucking impressive other teams do not come for Lance Leopold you like you had your chair you cannot have him

he belongs to Kansas too many y'all passed him over I mean if six six national titles D3 you can turn your nose up at D3 the man won six national titles and you didn't hire him after that Nebraska you let him go prove it at Buffalo take buffalo into the fucking top 25 you didn't want him then no no Nebraska has much better ideas you don't love me up on white water go hire go hire go hire fucking urban Meyer who hasn't rebuilt since fucking 2004 okay like in it since 2004 what is urban Meyer won in games in which

in seasons in which his team didn't have a talent advantage over almost everyone he's won two games Urban Meyer has almost certainly rebuilt his marriage in the last few weeks. At least from the public PR perspective. I don't understand what he brings to the table. Picture frames mostly. Because Nebraska already has extensive experience in covering up student crime. I mean, I think Urban brings dances to the table. So elsewhere in good news.

X-Man up means something very different than Urban's in a club. All right, let's just get it out out. I want to point out. It's like Urban needs to. Just get it all out. I want to point out this year, all right, in a year in which Kansas, Rutgers, Iowa State, Indiana, Kentucky, Duke, Washington State, Oregon State, and Syracuse are 3-0 at football. We have at least one old reliable. This might be Colorado's worst team ever.

Oh, my God. That's saying a lot. That's saying a lot. It might be Colorado's worst team ever. Entering today, let me run through a few numbers, entering today, SRS would have had 2022 Colorado as a five-point underdog against any team in Colorado's history, including the one-win teams.

Then Colorado came in as a 28-point underdog against a mediocre Minnesota, but I repeat myself. And then Colorado lost by 42, meaning they are probably now an even bigger underdog against even the worst teams in school history. They've been outscored 128 to 20, and their conference schedule has not started yet. And their last four games are Oregon, USC, Washington, and Utah. Goodness, gracious.

This is why if you have a state with two FBS programs, you have to make them play each other. You have to Apple Cup it. So they at least get one win. Yes. You cannot, like, Colorado State's not good right now either. and you cannot abandon them both to the possibility of finishing winless. You have to say one of you, A, will win, and B, will make the other one feel like shit because they lost you.

Well, Air Force beat Colorado, so there's one win in the state. You're right. You're right. Colorado lost Air Force. Badly. 31 points. Badly. By a lot.

What do they do? Man, what does he do when he walks in the office? Like, what do you do all week? President, do you just walk down there and you're like, hey, man, do you just want to, like, do you just want to play some call of duty? Just go ahead, because you're not making it. You might as well fire that Xbox up. Quick update. NIL is also the number of touchdowns that Miami will have scored in this game.

Go to hell. Just go to hell, Ryan. Go directly to hell. Jimbo is going to be impossible after this. Just fucking impossible. Starting now, Jimbo is going to be impossible. Big brain offensive mastermind Jimbo Fisher scored 17 points. It is going to be like, well, scored as many points in an entire game as Iowa had

in a game that was called by God after halftime. Yeah, slow down. 17. Let's do the math. How many dollars did Jimbo get paid per point this game? Not enough. Yeah, somebody else do the math for us there, because that's a lot of math. We did the per snap math last week.

Let's do the per point math. I think it's about 44,000. Not a bargain at any price. I was joking that, you know, you'll laugh when Miami kicks a field goal, but then, you know, who'll laugh when Miami ends up losing 17, 13? And I was actually four points over. Yes. The estimated guess that was a joke.

It's actually worse than that. Mario Cristobal in a big game is another captain that you might want to go ahead and leave in the cabin if he wants to stay on board. The passengers are gone. Yes, Mario, go ahead. You can stay in the cabin. That's fine.

Thank you, Mario. Yeah, U and On is going to be absolutely intolerable over this because prior to this game, there were big feelings on Miami Twitter about how they were completely back after this and we're going to wax A&M on their home field, which, again, is reserved for championship teams with real inspirational figures like Chase Price.

And what did you call them, Spencer? What was that nickname you gave them? U-N-on. Yeah, watching their offense, I saw some U-drops. Of all the teams, not to know to leave waxing to the professionals. Yeah, this is, I knew, also I knew they weren't back because nobody called me a homophobic slur. Remember, Miami's not back until,

they're calling you homophobic slurs you know who is though texas beat a team from whichever conference UTSA is in oh i thought you're going to say florida state florida state is also back conference USA sorry uh fs you won a weeknight game those count the same as regular games scott satterfield is cucked you know who louis of a lot to look into is uh is this guy who's got missouri state turned around um almost pulled it off at I'm not familiar with his work. He might win an FCS national title.

So, I mean, I don't know. If I'm Louisville, I'm thinking, hey, that's not far away. He probably knows the area. I don't know. Maybe give him a call. Papa's calling, as they say. Bring that guy back, too. I don't know.

Your mind is telling you no, but your wallet. Your wallet is telling you yes. But the win-loss column is telling you yes, even though it didn't work to second time. I was just thinking about what would happen if Colorado and UCLA just swapped coaches back and just return Carl Dorel. You can probably still get store credit. Oh, no, they're not taking store credit for Carl Dorel. No, and then you stash Chip in Colorado.

That was a scratch and dead buy. In his own little island of misfit toys. That's not even a buy. Because it's Carl Derell, it's like, well, we found this in the garage fridge. It's way in the back, but still good. They take returns forever. The argument for Carl Derell, one of them, was that he has a house in the area and he'd like to retire there. that's never a good thing when you're like

why did you hire this coach and like it's closer to the place where he's going to grow old and die because he's eventually going to not work there's low key great rival resimilaring between Colorado and Colorado State over who can have the dumber hiring process like this is up there

I mean that's up there with the adazio reason I don't think that it passes the adosio reason but it's up there yeah it's definitely lazier like the adagio reason is dumber this is lazier it's more like well he had a key card so we figured we might as well

just hire him oh man oh man this is that relation this is that couple that ends up getting married because like well all of her stuff is here yes yep yeah definitely this um after the flood Carl Dorel was already living in the athletic office

also Chip Kelly keeps asking me to buy leggings on Facebook and I wish you'd stop the uh UCLA this um this is another game that was amazing like there were three like mind-blowing coaching decisions today i saw that i've just never seen anything like him there was the troy thing and then there was um Arkansas on fourth and nine went for it with a run directly up the middle into a missouri state defense that is composed entirely of people who weigh 350 pounds i swear like

they're all shaped like ice boxes not refrigerators ice boxes um they did not convert that fourth and nine attempt um and then there was south alabama up by two with three minutes to go in field goal range opted instead for a horrendous fake and uh and not getting it and then UCLA uh ends up winning by one point so something had like that can't have been what the play was right they they line up for the kick and then it's it it literally looked like a first time NCAA player hit the wrong audible button and they break out into a regular formation. Yeah, Ryan, I don't know if you saw the footage, but they definitely, whatever

that was, they definitely did it on purpose. But it feels like half the team thought we were running this, and half the team thought we were running that, because it's also, how often do you see a fake field goal that ends in a sack? Think about how far back you start.

They should make NFTs of this shit. A lot of, like, coaching shoes. But this is never going to happen again in real life, right? Like, the odds of this happening again in real life are astronomical. Put, and mint that in some weird fiat currency. Listen, it'd be worth more than Mel Tucker NFTs, all right? NFT is plunging at the moment.

And then we... And then we also need an NFT of USF's kicker, almost soccer ball in it through the uprights. God damn. Almost penalty kicking a field club. Seriously. That was the best, that was maybe the most athletic thing

I saw all day long. Like Brock Bowers made a catch one on one, which was absolutely incredible. That was my first. The second is the USF kicker getting the worst hold ever and being like, fuck it,

we ball. And almost making it. Brock Bowers might be the exception to George is not fun to watch right now because. Oh, my God. He's a ball. so good.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting. I am going to discuss Syracuse, Purdue. Go on. Oh, Jesus. But I have to give you two important updates from action, currently, and progress, which is this. At the half, Arizona, oh, y'all laughing, up 1714 on North Dakota State. Give it the other in-state score.

I will. It's just so goddamn good. Eastern Michigan, 24, Arizona State, 14. I hope, I hope Herm met with the administration before the season. And he was like, look, I know the hammer is coming. I really don't want to have to resign in shame. Let me be bad so you can just fire me for that. Like, let me just be a bad coach so I can get fired for reasons.

I feel better about. It sounds I necessarily sensual. Okay. Let me be bad. Let me, hammer me later. Oh, come on.

Come on. Deep King. Stop it. Now this is a new leadership model. Strategic paradigm. So, Purdue played Syracuse and Syracuse in the carrier family.

I love, out of, out of every, all the innuendos, everyone said in the last minute. The most perverted shit is, so Purdue played Syracuse and I have something to say about it. Who made that call? Who do you think made that call? Who do you think came up with the idea? You know who we should play?

Hey, what do you? And or Syracuse. This is the weekend that featured Texas Tech at NC State. That's true. Yeah, what the fuck, man? You were the same school. You were not supposed to find each other. Tortillas are a form of textile, if you think about it.

This whole week was, this whole weekend's menu consisted of like the second day. bakery yeah um it's technically food but you might not yeah so the pseudo food here is spectacular because in the first three quarters of this game uh a grand total of 19 points were scored in the fourth quarter both teams woke up and erupted for 42 points total in the fourth quarter and you at you say well man Purdue produce obviously like the more high fire power kind of offensive. Yeah, that's true. Not this year. No, no, but, but they outgained Syracuse 485-306. All right, they had more first downs and they controlled time of possession, all that good kind of stuff. They didn't even have that many turnovers. You say,

well, how did they lose? I will give you all of the following things that Purdue did to lose this game. One, they committed. You gave as an excuse. They didn't even have that many turnovers. Yeah. One, Aiden O'Connell threw the ball directly to a tackle. I don't really, he threw it straight to, he threw it straight

to a defensive tackle, and he wasn't even that rushed. Maybe he had kind eyes. Hey, bro, have a day. Have a day, baby. Here you go. You don't know. Threw it straight to a tackle. They missed an extra point. They missed a field goal.

They allowed on a fourth and inches of 41-yard touchdown. down pass and they had a final drive that I can only describe as Purdue because on the final drive Syracuse had jack and shit and needed to score and they got

a penalty a penalty a penalty the first penalty was from the special teams coach I don't think I've ever seen personally getting a penalty on a special team's play I've never seen that before in my life. I've never seen that before in my life. What did he do?

He was hollering. Carrying on and such? Carrying on and such. It took like a conduct infraction, but I've never seen a special teams coach get hit with that on a special teams play. That was beautiful. You know what?

That's accountability. That's accountability. It's like a little emoge box. This whole day was just full of like tiny weird gemstones that we'll never see again. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this game was the weird thing that flashes in front of the camera at like 32,000 feet below the ocean, right?

That's like, what was that fish? Why does it advise there? Yeah, that was Syracuse Purdue. Oh, this shouldn't exist. It has too many mouths. But what capped all of this? That's right. A desperate heave from former Mississippi State quarterback Garrett Schrader,

who you may remember from a spectacular helicopter hit in his freshman year. Yeah. He heaved the ball downfield for the game-winning touchdown. Just a complete disaster of a. game. Three penalties, big heave over. Absolutely perfect game. I hope Syracuse doesn't lose another game of the season and every single game is this fucked up. Every single one. Perfect game. And yet, Purdue did not suffer the most miserable defeat in the conference, I would argue. I think that distinction belongs to Northwestern for losing to Southern Illinois, which is actually part of a grand

traditions. So Northwestern obviously opened the season, going to Ireland and beating Nebraska, because that's what Irish people love. Illinois beat Nebraska to start the year last year. That game is supposed to be in Ireland, but it wasn't. And after that, this is what Illinois did. They lost to UTSA, UVA, Maryland, and Purdue. Northwestern has now lost to Southern Illinois and Duke, I believe, is there other loss? Like, I think this is a new thing that. whatever middle to middle low tier team opens the year by beating Nebraska, they need to immediately just eat shit for a month so Nebraska fans can really, really, really feel bad about it.

Like, this is good. Are you describing games to these people? Yes, that's correct. I love it because, like, in every way, every single week, things get worse for Nebraska. Like, all the time, we find new floors. and caverns beneath the floors and like a center of the earth beneath that. And like, yeah, honestly, as a Nebraska sympathetic person watching today against Oklahoma, it was like, cool, 40 minutes are left and the game's over.

This is way better than usual. Yeah, I wasn't rooting for this at all. It would have been way funnier for the team to suddenly have a huge uptick in progress after Scott Frost cleared out of the building. Yeah, like that would be, that would be a fun story. And they did that messed up thing. And I always, I always fall for this because I'm a fucking idiot. Yes, they started, they started the game with the combo that tricks me every time.

They got a three and, they stopped Oklahoma, rather, on a three and out. And then they went on a touchdown drive. And my dumb ass brain is like, oh, okay, that probably will continue. Those two things will probably go the same direction because I'm an idiot. Yeah, it's the shit where like, oh, you see. see that. Upset alert. Scott Frost was the person who didn't want that to happen.

Yes. Scott Frost certainly never jumped out to a lead. Brian, you're not an idiot. You're an optimist, and that's just not a mindset that belongs or cancer. It's like putting a salamander outside in Nebraska. It's not going to do great. In 2022, that might make me an idiot as well. This just in Nevada, Iowa will resume at midnight.

central time. Thank you, God. That shit's going to be watching the Iowa Hawkeyes at 2 a.m. I hope why these kids are going to play on Sundays. I hope Ryan Farns comes out like heavy, heavy eye makeup, wearing all black and shit. Well, because he had a cabaret date after me. Oh, wait. You said heavy eye black and I went in a completely different direction.

No, Holly, I think you're on to something. What if Brian Ferenz had sex during the two-hour deluxe? and they come back in Iowa erupts for 40 points pulls of the pole burlesque

burlesque number is just what the doctor ordered for that man I think I think that's what the lightning was it's happening

finally Brian Ferrence's loins the dragon song is about the god the god salute you sir you're an old man take your father's place

you have entered the whole of the worthy. You may now score more than 17 points. Iowa's season average, even if this game doesn't conclude, their season average in yardage will go up. They have 206 yards.

They've been parked at for about six hours now. Damn. Services of Cedar Rapids, thank you for your contribution to Iowa football. Throw the car in the fifth gear. Shit! This is against the number 98 defense in the country, but we will overlook that part.

It's a lot of yards. I'm going, I want to salute one play and one player from the Old Miss 42-0 defeat of Georgia Tech. It's Jackson Dart. Oh, my God. No, it's Jackson Dart because with a 35-0 lead and scrambling to his left where he could easily have gone out of bounds, Jackson Dart instead said, it's Jackson Dart time. and absolutely destroyed a man when he could have gone out of bounds.

I mean, dropped his head and hit him like he was a full back, like risking at all just because he was like, you know what I'd like to do? I wouldn't like to go out of bounds, and I'd like to prove a point even though it's 3.5.0. So Jackson Dart, that's extreme Chad behavior. Salute. Salute to you.

Out of bounds is bad. They don't let you play football there. That's correct. They have rules over there Over here it's legal At best you get to kick into a net Or ride a bike or something stupid A bicycle doesn't go anywhere

It's fucked up stupid bike It's basically time out It's not real It's time out with exercise That sucks You know what I think is a miserable existence Being a Cal fan I feel really bad for Cal fans at this point

Because, like, if Cal had gone to Notre Dame and played a close game that went all the way to the end, and it's against one-in-one Notre Dame, that's fine. No big deal. You know, like, sucks. It would have been nice to win, whatever. But that they had to do it after Notre Dame lost to Marshall, a team that lost the Bowling Green today, by the way. Which has lost to eastern Kentucky. And that they had to watch a...

You're talking that Scott Loeffler continues to rain down horrors upon Notre Dame. And he always will. And that Cal had to watch the game ceiling interception get called back for targeting. The game ceiling fumble recovery get called back because the quarterback Sneve is down. And then the, what could have been, the game tying touchdown, bounce off two Notre Dame players' hands onto the tummy of a Cal player who was on the ground. who couldn't catch it and that's how it like the cruelties that that come with being a cal fan at this point i hope it was super fun watching marshawn lunch in college like because i don't i don't

what is what is there for you now i also have nine gazillion excellent olympic sports if they can root for it any time i'm not sure how sorry i feel for them okay um i would like to uh i would like to second Ryan's sympathies for Cal, but also to note that no other fan base to me has as thick a callous on their brain and soul to deal with this. No, Indiana is the other one. The most fraudulent 3-0 team

in existence. Indiana had to scratch and claw to come back to meet Western Kentucky today. Yeah, we got, UCLA is in that mix as well. No, UCLA's not that mix because they don't go to the games anymore. They've just abandoned the whole. Hey, they're on the quarter system, Brian.

Those are all are moving furniture. I thought you meant the Cal's fans. No, UCLA fans are, they'll find out in a couple months that football season happened. That's fine. They're doing okay. I mean, life is good. How can you expect me to pay attention to the UCLA football when it's NBA transaction season? Does Schroeder just sign with the Lakers?

That's taking up all my time. Listen, Cal Football is the. pet owl that somebody bought because they thought it would be a cool idea. And then they're like, no, it's nocturnal. It rips off all my pillows. It always wants to hang out and won't let me sleep. Also, it's really sick for some reason. Also, it's literally, it's literally burrowing into the ground.

Yeah, it's burrowing into the ground. Even though it's not a burrow owl, I think it's anxious. Yeah, like. The stadium is anxious. The stadium is anxious. Structural anxiety. should be a thing. Don't look at me.

I think it's trying to hunt my youngest child. But it won't be successful because it's too small and anxious to do it. Yeah. I think Cal football fans are, I think it still does cause them pain, but psychologically, I think they know what they are. I think they know their place in the universe and they accept it for the most part. I guess so. I would like to share comments from the Levitard show sharing a

the NIL quote, Ryan, with us. There's some, oh, there's some superb ones in there. Oh, a lot of people called you the F word. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the show, Miami. Good to see your back in form. Yeah, it's good. There we go.

We have one, which was, hey, this is your show guys. Call them out, Pussies. They're going to fight us? Yeah. They're going to find We would have whipped Florida's ass tonight Yeah, probably Absolutely

Big deal Two things can be true, my dude Okay, so you're as good as Kentucky So you're as good as USF? Yeah, congratulations We're all chasing USF brother Tampa Aspirational Miami Hurricanes

The flagship That's what the F and USF stands for Oh The real South Florida Yeah Tampa Miami's not even

in the state Yeah that's a good one I like that a lot This argument is on shaky ground Like your entire fucking major metropolitan area Aw But cheer up

We'll all be dead in 60 years But for very different reasons From you guys I guess drowning is natural causes Depends wasn't for Natalie Wood Our whole ass city is sinking into the sea We're going to get letters

From Natalie Wood's family, mostly I'm going to get letters from whom they can't write They're not Listen, they're not, yeah, they're not writing a letter Where are you going to find a stamp in Miami I would also like to salute another team That we have not mentioned yet Because

You can reach us all at 38 Godfrey. 38 Godfrey, yes. That is our supervisor if you're a Miami plan and half the plaintiff, that's at 38, G-O-D-F-R-E-Y. Thank you. Yeah, and that would be, it is not really September unless we get peak September merit. Sorry, one more, one more, one more, Matt Brown. Thank you, Matt Brown. Miami is the first team since at least 2000 to record 27-plus first downs and score zero touchdowns.

that is vile um i would like to salute the uh so much exercise the maryland like the maryland they gave up the turnover chain and now all they're doing is moving the chain yeah why do you want to talk about the terps wait they gave up the turnover chain yeah they did well there's your problem

yeah i wanted to salute maryland because this is september and yeah Really, we need, this is Maryland's month. Is it time to beat Texas again? Texas is scared of them this year. Yeah, they're running. Sorry, cowards. Yeah, Maryland is indeed, once again, 3-0. Didn't include them in the list of surprising 3-0 teams because Maryland is always 3-0.

Maryland had 15 penalties in this game, apparently. It'll be November and Maryland will be 3-0. What the shit? 15 penalties for 141 yards. When you're playing SMU, You, fight dirt with dirt. That's how we do it. And now, 3-0 Maryland, feeling confident and comfortable, gets to play Michigan on the road.

I'm sure this will go great. Well, they will still have three wins. Is that a, do we count that as a harbowl? It's like a degree removed. Harbowl. Like a proxy harbowl. I think that's fair. Hey, did you guys watch the Northwestern game?

No. okay so i did i was looking for a competitive game that wasn't syracuse per due um jake butt who you may remember from being a standout at michigan has joined the big ten has joined the big ten broadcast team

he was in the booth today for this game with some other dude uh whose name that i do not recall and at one point Spencer were you there I don't remember who they were talking about they were talking about like some five foot five quarterback for one of these teams

and Jake Bet says this guy has the heart of a lion and it's this point in the outro where you can tell he has to fill more space and heart of the lion is the correct thing and he says it first but

he either had to fill space or didn't think Heart of the Lion was the correct phrase. So he just kept listing animals. Yeah. I thought I was having a small stroke. Yeah. He's got the kidneys of a giraffe. He ended with Heart of a dog, and I was like, he's got worms.

Heart of a dog. He's got multiple hearts. It's not cool. He's like, heart of a lion. What, just a champion dragon out there. Heart, he's got a, I think he was. trying to get to he got that dog in him but instead he was like he has a dog

on his brain. There's a dog in his brain. Idioms translated into another language and then back into English. It was amazing. Please put Jake butt on bigger broadcast so that we can continue this zoological journey. This is not a great. I want to

be clear. This is the best thing that happened in the noon games. He has over large adrenal glands of baboon. Somewhere in somewhere in his elbow. He literally has a dog inside of him. Now we're back to Miami.

While we're talking about shit announcers said that made me snap my head, whew, yeah. Was it calling J. Gercin, well-traveled? RG-3. Going to RG-3. Oh, we're going there. Okay. RG-3 is on two wheels. Everything that man says

is something that nobody has ever said before. because he used the phrase premature esnapulation tonight which when he used it I saw the timeline just doing things like no no back off I want you to think about something one day Russell Wilson is going to retire

and Russell Wilson is going to become a sports television personality and I want you to think about the insane Oh, no. Teeth gritting shit that Russell Wilson is going to say. It's great if you brush them with micro bubbles. These are, these, I have some more RG3 reporting. This, DMs from Troy.

These are quotes according to Troy. At one point in a previous game, RG3 referred to a touchdown as an orgy in the end zone. I missed this one. Yes, yes. Of course, Michael Penix, Jr. Jason, you disappeared from the Twitter. Yeah, Jason, you disappeared from the space. Whatever we can hear him, you're out of the space.

Yeah. Jason is... We're going to bring him back in just a moment. RG3 did say orgy in the end zone. Yeah, and he said the Indiana quarterback, everyone made the exact same joke about that guy's name. But we didn't do it during a nationally televised broadcast. The free will in Robert Griffin third.

I would like to offer you all one return to normalcy in this stressful time. So last week, Army lost UTSA in overtime, and Army playing a close game or UTSA winning a close game is not particularly unusual. But this part was, Army was 13 of 18 passing for 304 yards and two touchdowns. This week, this week, Army beat Villanova, 49 to 10. Oh, for one passing for zero yards. Oh, thank God. 55 rushing attempts, 472 yards, six touchdowns. Oh, that's much better.

Oh, we're back, baby. We're back. We're home. By my count, 12 different Army players got to carry. Reading this Army box score is like taking your bra. off at the end of the day. Isn't it just like refreshing just to be like, ah. You like when Arwin takes Erdogan's hand and she's like, some things are certain.

She's talking about this, actually. She was raised in Air Force fans. That and Scott Satterfield getting fired. Yeah. Remember all the times he tried? He should have thought of this a lot sooner if he wanted to get out of Louisville. I was thinking about, this is it. This feels like a replay of Virginia Tech where you have a coach who like has kind of

of a weirdly testy relationship with the fan base who's openly flirted with and another job that they didn't get and you're like well let's just like keep it going gets off to a bad start and now it's like well what what the fuck were we doing here we don't have to get into that particular quag by here but in administrative terms i feel like satterfield didn't so much flirt as like bought a second minivan for his new family yes yeah yeah and then had to go home yeah yeah you're spending a lot of time with that other woman yes yes i am because because I, yeah, I'm not long for this. Dad's friend Diane?

Yes. The thing I wanted to discuss before we, before we turned the universe back over to its rightful. Sorry. Yes. Kids, your new mom is Brian Van Gorder. Hello! We hate him.

I don't like her. I'll be like cold shit. Really? Than it can. I wanted to talk. I think a lot of us in life take the easy way out, and I want to salute somebody who definitely didn't and wanted to challenge everyone else around them

to rise to that standard by bringing them into the challenge with them. And that is because some, at this point, 12 hours and 27 minutes ago in a 7-0 game with 10 minutes left in the first quarter, Abilene Christian's punt returner, Kendall Carlton, decided to fair catch a ball at the one. Yes.

Fair caught it. It took the announcers a beat, too. Like, they were trying to be, I think they had thrown to the sideline reporter. I want to say at the moment, and she was just like, it's like, you know, when you're at somebody's house and their kid, like, brings in a dead rat,

and you're just like, oh. Uh-huh. Kendall Catalan, sorry. And Kendall, by the way, when he did that, I appreciate that he was like, you know what? Most offenses, they want to take the easy way out. They want to go 50 yards. They want to go 60 yards.

I know you boys want to stay on the field for 99 yards. Every play in the playbook is available to you now. Dare to be great. It's all there. Yeah, Dare to be great. Why don't you decide to play real football like you play video? video game football by taking it back to the one running out of bounds and then racking up the most yards points in possession you can by going 99 yards um i just read a stat that is going to

make me a little sick and i think i'm going to get off the space after this wait you're an hour behind us what are you doing no because of this stat you con went five of 20 passing for 24 yards against Michigan. Nobody saw it. It's Michigan. So many Michigan fans saw it. Yeah, they have like spreadsheeted and cataloged it

and are constructing charts and maps. Mainly maps. Forget all the charts, shit. The longest pass they through, which obviously it's not that long with 24 passing yards, went for nine. Jesus Christ. Oh, I have another

bit of breaking news for you. Breaking news. At 1158 central time, Iowa, Nevada, has entered their third weather delay. I was just about to say 24 yards is less than Iowa through on one of their two scoring plays today. So when your entire passing day produces fewer yards than Iowa mustered in one play, it's hard to imagine anything worse than that. If the Hawaii game finishes before the Iowa game, we are truly lost. Hawaiowa, the Hawaiowa loop. That's the Jason Mamoa connection there.

Shout out on the Twitter space. The Southland Conference has outlasted the Big Sky Conference. Big Sky Conference showed up late, too. I'm worried about y'all. Southland is now our favorite FCS conference. Both of you, of course, tower over the Ivy League. The Ivy League, which would never stay up this late. Jay Caner is hurt.

I mean, I'm not surprised that Jay Keener is hurt because things seem to fly at him with uncommon speed specifically at his ribs, but I desperately hope this is not serious. Yeah. Also, I don't know what the deal was, but Michael Felder has retweeted it with Guy heard his dick. I don't know what game this is.

But I thought if we were going to, if we were going to end it on. I love Felder. Felder will never tell you which game he's watching. No, no. It leaves an Arab. mystery to Saturdays that I really appreciate it. And it makes you feel like you were really in on something when you happen to see what he pointed out, you know? Like, you feel so in the

no. I feel like I have tapped into the all-seeing eye. I'm part of it. I know which guy hurt, which dick. I know who's dick. I know. I'm the one who knows whose dick hurts. Looks like North Dakota State driving to take the lead against Arizona. It's Bobby Petrino. It's his It hurts usually. Oh, man, especially today. Yes. So to wrap it up, so to wrap up... No, don't wrap it up.

Don't go anywhere near it. Actually, no, Bobby Petrino, wrap it up. He can wrap it up. He can wrap it up. He's definitely wrap it up. I'm having deja vu. I swear we've had this exact same talk about Bobby Petrino's dick at some point.

And we will again. Probably. If he would stop giving us occasion to talk about it. It just keeps coming up. He's not going to go away. And he's not going to stop having a lot. weird dick yeah popping up is that better no USC 28 Fresno State 10 pray for jay caner uh Arizona 17 North Dakota 14 but yes driving for the lead and holding

steady eastern Michigan 24 Arizona State 14 okay were we right all along about Herm or were we wrong about Herm, but just for a short time? We were, we were wrong about Herm because we didn't know what to be right about. I think we were, we were wrong about Herm because we briefly wondered whether we were wrong about Herm. We should have just, doubting ourselves was the mistake. Yes, same with fucking Mac Brown. I will never second guess myself like that again.

It's a terrible hire. Just the media disrespecting praise. The damn media, the damn media talked up Macs. Brown's hire so much that I began to dissuade myself into thinking he was not good at his job. But that's what I'm retiring. The media

said my wife's strawberry pie was watery and derivative. I only see one and a half star movies because I don't trust you. The best is he's going to be fired and Herm's just going to walk directly into the studios. MacBrah's not going to go. Oh, Herm's going to go. Yeah. No, Herm's going to walk, her

he'll walk in. What, leave the field leave the field and walk upstairs. Right up to the booth. What's he going to go on to Pac-12 network? They're going to be like, we really don't have the money. He's like, I'll do it for sandwiches so far.

He'll just walk right into ESPN and everyone loves him there because he's so cool. They'll be like, hey, Herm, I heard you bombed at Arizona State and he'll be like, it's crazy. I sure did. They got different rules.

He is really nice. He's so nice. He's like the greatest co-worker. He'll just walk right in and they'll be like, what happened? And he's like, I don't know. Want to get lunch?

Like, yeah, that's her. It's almost sort of like a, Herm, haven't seen you in like four or five years. Where you been? I don't know. I'm back now. Every workplace needs a herm. They are showing on my television right now

the end of the Purdue Syracuse game. It's so, I'm telling you, this was a masterpiece. It's just the worst goddamn thing I've ever seen in my life. It's terrible, but it's so specific. It's like a horizon. Bosh painting? It's, it is...

Legs shouldn't do that, and this feels amor, but it's definitely memorable. I think it's more like an Egon Shaila painting, frankly. Yeah, it is. This is the funniest 1 a.m. conversation we've ever had. There's a man in the corner. Don't show that to children. No, no.

They're nude, but not in a good way. No, they're crying. Yeah. All right. Let's go. I have to go think about why I looked at a Yukon box score now. You open the arc. You open the arc. Dead dove.

Yeah. All right. So everybody, thank you for turning out here for another flawless episode of Fullcast After Dark. We will be back next weekend to talk about, yes, yes, Holly. Folks, 704 S-O-L-C-A-S-T. Let it all. all out, we will have your voicemails on the midweek show. Not you, Hugh Freeze. Don't call Hugh Freeze. Don't do it. He freeze. Stop texting my boss.

Yeah, so shouts out again to Podcat. Vic, SEC Stat Cat was here forever, man. Hi, Eric. Shouts out to, yeah, Travis Van. Hi, Eric. What's going on? I'm going to the Southland Conference. All of it. Yes.

Hello to everyone who hung this long. I would also like to say that if you are at the quality in Auburn right now and you're not nude get nude it's your right you own that building now I expect it not to be standing in the morning and you can just get on the plane butt naked you have that right Penn State fan yeah they sanitize those seats in between flights so you should be good unless you're on spirit then don't do it yeah spirit they're going to give you that taint charge it's going to be an additional 14 dollars people are coming through Atlanta probably to fly home and now I kind of want to go to the airport tomorrow morning

and just camp out with breakfast. Wait, Spencer, you think there's seats on Spirit? No, you got those little hangy straps. Yeah, no, yeah, that's just dangling naked off the hangy strap going, we are! You find somebody to lean on, that's how Spirit works. That's a $5, that's a $5 lien charge. Sorry. All right, y'all, we will see if Iowa's done playing football in time for next week's

episode of this show. Good night. Good night, everybody.