Shutdown Fullcast - FULLCAST AFTER DARK: EVERYTHING IS EGG BOWL

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Rivalry week! Fights everywhere! Let's discuss!A fond Goodnight Moon to Florida StateDid you figure out where the Sun Belt title game is yet?Fullcast theme song arranged and performed by Corey CunninghamJump in on friend of the program Treblaw's annual One Simple Wish toy drive here: https://www.onesimplewish.org/giving/megwalbertTickets for the Tuscaloosa Get Up 3 are on sale now: https://ci.ovationtix.com/36768/production/1216165Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing show, We're Not All Like This, and check out his new narrative podcast with Steven Godfrey, Who Killed College Football? https://www.wkcfb.com/Check out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at https://channel-6.ghost.io/Purchase only the finest Fullcast gear at sunny https://preownedairboats.com/

Blowing out the mic in the first minute of the show is perfect. Yeah, like, 50% of that came through. Well shit. Unfortunately, more came through that. Speaking of coming through stuff. happy fuck ohio day oh man you know who brought the fuck

ohio state that's right as it fucked themselves i've never oh god oh boy that's one way to lose no not in November back time we're gonna let everybody pile in here for just a second

assemble. Y'all get cozy. Stay warm. It's frigid out there. I understand there are blizzard conditions through Indiana. So to speak. Oh. Unfortunately, one place the snow did not fall was Section 336 of Kyle Field.

Not enough of it. Not enough of it. Folks, if you're cold, start a brawl. Just a fight will keep you warm. That was the lesson of today. We'll get into the details. More to later yeah also i have a solution to the to an issue of the day that many people are deeply

hold on i'm gonna get close to the mic just let me we're deeply concerned about something you can take your headphones off we can't keep that in mind something no one wants to see stop doing that whoops am i gonna do the uh i'm gonna do the uh i'm gonna do the thing is it time to do the thing? I can keep singing. Nah. You know what? Wow. Let's do the thing. It's 100%. It's game time. Did we just lose

50 people? We may have. Forecast After Dark for men Brought to you by Rise Picks Welcome to the forecast after dark Oh Oroo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ho-ho-woo

Wolverine noises Cock a doodle doodle do Chomp Fucking chomp Yeah What a day What a couple of days What a weekend

What a 28 hours What a 28 hours of glorious rivalry football Filled with some of The hate this shit I have ever seen Ever Ever I'm Spencer Hall I'm Spencer Hall

Joined as always by Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, and in his duties as Lord of the Evening, Douglas Reyes-Serone on the ones and twos. That makes him sound like a sex club. Well, he did adjust the mic settings so that more of my singing could happen, so maybe. I mean, like I said, I did see some teams get fucked today,

so maybe that's appropriate. How is it not a sex club? We're on LinkedIn. The only sex-positive podcast on LinkedIn. Hey, man, way long before it was a, way long before it was a trending topic. How long has this podcast been screaming that gender is a construct? It's been about a decade. Mm-hmm. You know what else is a construct?

Dabo's Mandate of Heaven. That's as good a place to start as any. Yes, it is. That has been flimsy for a while now. I'm sorry. Do you mean ACC champion participant? How about sweetie? Oh, they give them a ribbon for that?

bound for Charlotte no matter what they do no matter how much they suck thanks to the largesse of Syracuse and Syracuse making very clear that they were aware of that largesse at the end of the game Otto the orange Why what happened is Syracuse

I believe you owe me a favor friends with four minutes and 50 seconds in that game, South Carolina had the ball on around the 40-yard line and was trailing by a score of 14-7 in the South Carolina Clemson game. Then what happened? So then South Carolina kicked a field goal, and then they stopped Clemson, and then with about a minute left to go, and the ball on, I believe, the 20, 15, 20 somewhere in there?

They were in the red zone, the red area. Uh, no, no, no. We do not. Next will be saying two minute time out. Not here. The inflamed area. We're going to say Marriott. ESPN corporate stooge, Spencer Hall. This disgusting sequence of words brought to you by Marriott.

Hey, Spencer, can you give us the Cheez-It overtime explainer from memory? You piece of shit. Hey, if you kick this field goal, I'll give you a bullet to the foot. Way to go for dose, buddy. Dose nuts. Brought to you. by whichever that is. Just once.

That's all I'm asking. One commentator. Brought to you by the Better Help Vodka Tumblr. That's right. Better Help. Chris Fowler. I will tell you that all of the flowers go to Holly, who called exactly what was going to happen in this game when it was 14-7.

It wasn't even a wish. It was just like a path was just illuminated before me. And there was like seven minutes left to go in the game and you walked into the room and you're like, oh, Clemson's leading. So, so, so, Clemson is leading 14 to 7. And it just, I wasn't even thinking the words just fell out of my mouth. And I just say, yeah, but South Carolina is going to win 17, 14 and low. I can't ever do this on purpose.

I can't even take credit for it. Neither can South Carolina, frankly. Oh, no. This is, God is pissed. That's right. South Carolina, who finished the season, winning, seven fucking games in a row because they came back and on third and 11 lined up. And Lenora Sellers and the South Carolina offense, what did they do?

They fucking false started. They false started and they went back to third and 16. But yet, yet, yet, Lenora Sellers was like, I got this. Because remember, Lenora Sellers is Kirby. He swallows other quarterback's hole and absorbs their powers. And in this case, he traveled back in time and devoured Cam Newton and became Cam Newton for one play. third and 16 he runs all the way in for a eventual game winning TD Clemson doesn't do shit they throw a pick on the ensuing possession they did do shit that counts someone did shit that is some shit that is true shit happened shit definitely happened point being South Carolina a couple of people may maybe three or four strangers who I'll never meet and have no impact on my lives were like uh-uh South Carolina in the most dangerous team in the world I'm about to watch Clemson Blin.

Uh-oh. Yeah. Eat shit. Fourteen great weeks of thanking God we didn't have to play this team. Woof. Yeah, it is a real, it is a real gift. Hey, you know how Lenora Sellers, we've been talking about Lenora Sellers being a different quarterback in every game so far? Uh-huh.

This last sequence, particularly on his long run, it was like the end of a fireworks show where everything goes off at once he was fade i swear to god he was phasing from quarterback to quarterback like as he moved like mystique style he was just incredible best part too is if you see 14 seven with like three minutes to go you're like south carolina start to cook baby yeah that's the thing this wasn't this wasn't hard to see this is what they do every single time every single time and then they just keep they just keep popping his headshot up and he's got this very clark kent headshot like this is fucking captain america lenora sellers is captain america he's got just he's got this ain't i a stinker grin and these perfect little black

newspaper glasses very daily planet uh what a night the most i don't know what's going to happen and it doesn't and i don't care team available completely dangerous if you told me hey could they win the national title? Yes. Could they bomb out immediately if they somehow make the playoff? Also, yes. What I hire them to put, what I trust them to put lights on a Christmas tree, the whole team working together without electrocuting themselves. No. Would I put them in the national title game right now and not bet against them? Yes. 100%. It's an absolutely beautiful game. I think it's either win at all or lose the whatever the citrus bowl is now. Oh, absolutely. 100%. And I'm fine with either of those. I would be just as proud of them either way.

Yeah, you know who's surprised no matter what happens, Shane Beamer. Shane Beamer in every postgame interview is like, go, that was crazy. Did we win? Did you guys? Is that what the numbers say? We did what? We did. Huh?

Oh, God, that's a great effort. Just a phenomenal game, whatever happened. Coaching out of his actual mind. He has a real local man who just saw a plane land on the highway vibe to him. Yeah. Holy shit. Nobody's dead, but that was crazy. this keeps happening to me i was on my way to the quick trip that's all i was doing i sain't it

i sain't it we're sorry server we're sorry this had to happen to you we're not sorry to anybody servers server is okay with server server saw this coming for what it's worth it to be fair clumson didn't have any kicks blocks they didn't attempt any that's true uh speaking of making no attempt texas a andm girl you're giving us nothing and i love it It's boring. Absolutely love it. Didn't do shit. Man, dog church got real Protestant this week.

It was extremely uncocaineated. Just, man, just flat. Just the flattest, just geographically pancake-ass flat. Maybe it's not uncocanated. Maybe it's more like trying to have sex on cocaine. Maybe it's more, um, did they go for the quailudes? I do often think of Texas A&M is too sexy. Yeah.

Well, in this case, it wasn't even edging. What's the opposite? I don't know. Huh. The goal line stand sort of counts as that, doesn't it? It's about to happen. It's about to happen. I'm about to put it in.

Oh, I didn't. Never. Hockey Party. Dot horse. When the only time you scored, it's because the other. person gave it to you yeah that's wow like what a colossal disappointment at least the last time that you lost at kylefield it was theatrical and unlikely and strange this this just looked like

the logical outcome of a better team coming in and going ah we need some reps we're going to try to run the ball yeah ghastly they did that a lot they did that part a lot just got their grinch gooped for their troubles. There were tickets to this game going for like $7,000. That's the best part no matter who loses is how much money you had to pay to see it. This is wild.

I mean, if you were a Texas fan, it was worth it. If you were an A&M fan. If you're an A&M fan, you're not even worried about that because you're rich as hell. That's true. It was there tearfully insisting on a message board right now. It was worth it. It's nothing to me.

I don't know. A lot of the A&M experience over the last five years is real like Scrooge realizes that money is not the same thing as happiness. Yeah. I mean, we don't have to, we don't have to frame the whole season yet. But again, once again, not to take this to the end of bring it on quite so literally, but it's first year. First year. Sure. Yeah.

It's a totally fine first year. First campaign, hell yes. It's a totally fine first year. It still sucks to lose to Texas and to do so in a manner. that was not exceptionally competitive. Yeah, it was very, it was like the Big Ten would, you know what happened? The Big Ten and the SEC swapped rivalry games.

A little bit. Was there even a fight in this game? I think this is the only game that didn't have a fight. This was the cordial. Man. I will say, hey, great day for Big Flag. Great day. Yeah, we'll get to a lot of these games.

to not fight over a flag. We'll get to a lot of these games individually, but, like, good God, man. It was Michigan, Ohio State, the flag thing. There were also flag things in NC State beating UNC, Florida beating FSU, Iron Bowl had a fight. There was Nebraska refusing to shake Iowa's hands. What? Yukon, you mass had trophy drama.

What? Arizona State jabbed a pitchfork to midfield and Arizona got mad. And then my favorite, of course, was Sir Big Spur reportedly taking a shit on Clemson's logo. Well, you can't train him to do that. Congratulations on whoever trained him to do that. Wait, wait, wait. The costume, the plush one or the bird?

The bird. According to David Hood, they walked the chicken out there on a leash, stood there at midfield. And waited. The chicken relieved himself, and then they left. That's a cockadoodle do. I just hope, like, look, there's, there, is there going to be a necessary discussion about, like, we need to take... Oh, there already has been.

Yeah, yeah. Congratulations to every announcer who hyped this up for four hours going to like, blood and guts in a clash of the Titans. And now they're snapping each other in the helmet. These guys hate each other every day of the air, and today's the only day they get to do anything about it. No, you put a flag in the field. Stop decorating, you maniacs. The highlight for me was definitely like five minutes into the Ohio State, Michigan State, fracas, and the announcer solemnly intoning, no one wants to see this.

Poor shit. The camera does not move at all. The camera does not move at all. I have a solution. I want to see all of this. The director at least disagrees with you. I think the problem with the flag planting is it's too portable. of an object. So it immediately becomes something you can fight over. I think instead if you win,

you should drive like a Dodge Caravan onto the center of the field and take the keys and run away and just leave your branded Dodge Caravan on their logo. Be like, this is our garage now. I leave my car here. Do something about it. Do we have a commenter last week or was it or was it a writer suggest that in the big rivalry games, whichever team wins, the players have to swap cars? I hadn't heard that idea, but sure. Yeah, playing for pinkies, yeah. Or bring like a big, heavy mailbox, like one of those stone mailboxes.

Just drop that down. Someone in the comments, and full credit to you, know that this is not my idea, it's yours, even though I don't know your name, an anvil. Somebody recommended anvil. Yeah, sure. Something they're going to have to put some effort into. Yeah, put some real heavy shit out there.

Sprinkle, look, if they've got field turf, that's great. Myriatic acid will melt anything. I have a strategy, and it's, this. So my friend is out there and he plants the flag. Ooh, they plant the flag. Everybody fights. Everybody fights. And while everybody is looking and they're getting very disturbed and brawling and cops are uncorking pepper spray and doing all the things. I need you to use that in passive voice, please. Oh yes. I'm sorry. Pepper spray found its way into the mucus membranes of several Michigan players. And a cop. Yes. And a cop. A cop. A cop. A cop. A cop.

cop was nearly fatally injured when he was jostled by a 270 pound man uh pat 40 got second degree pepper sprayed i saw that doesn't count what that doesn't count wow okay i tell pat that wait as as as as far as i know you're the only one of us who's actually been pepper sprayed yes i have i've been pepper sprayed you know what no you know what i wasn't the one pepper sprayed i was only three feet from the person pepper sprayed so you know what to hell with me that doesn't count either i i wasn't hit square in the face by stealing color okay so charity bowl goal here we go if you're attending our january live show with split song duo no don't do that somebody will do it no just do it outside no no um why would you even put that out into

so what my idea is while everybody else has the flag I produce flag number two oh my god what do we do now and I plant second flag yeah this never would have happened on old Crimson's Watch and then then when they confiscate flag number two what does my third accomplice have that's right a third flag here no this is this is what your third

accomplice does you know those little like toothpick flags that you put in cupcakes for like a tailgate or something bring a thousand of those and throw them up into the air. They'll never get them all. It'll take them forever. By God, I'm so mad. Just go through and plant tiny flags.

Yeah, go through, just plant all these tiny little flags on like flat, mounted on plastic fork. So when they try to pull them out, they'll break off. Yeah, that's right. I have a hundred stickers that I'm just slapping on the back of opposing fliers. Flag, flag, flag, flag. How dare you? Oh, God, they're wily. Some gave all, some gave all, some gave all.

You look up above the stadium. I'm flying our flag. I think what I want is a plane flying over the stadium. It's loaded with flags. Yes. And it's time just right that it's going to drop them all as soon as the game ends. But then what do you do if your team loses despite putting in all this planning? You put real paratroopers in the plane.

The kind of thing that Texas A&M would do is spend all this money and then lose. Yeah, yeah. Then you put real paratroopers. troopers in the plane and you read Don that shit. Just as just as the brawl was dispersing. Not that I'm giving new ideas to either Ohio State or Texas A&M. There's a slight bulge in the turf as a hand reaches up from the tunnel I have dug underneath. Oh.

As I plant the flag. Matt in the comments has, I think, the best idea so far that Michigan should have brought a magician onto the sidelines just pulling continuous flagged. Oh, wow. When will he stop? You know what? That would mesmerize like a quarter of the players on the team. They'd be like, yo, did you see how he did that?

That's amazing. Is that David Blaine? Wolverines. What have you brought like a very cute small child onto the field draped in the flag? You think that'll protect it at Ohio State? That's fair. Okay. Never mind.

Sorry. I didn't mean. I didn't mean to get. angry there, but whof. That's how you get, that's how you get a kid pepper sprayed, I guess. That's how you raise a tiny Ohio State fan. If that eight-year-old had just complied with the officer's orders. Yeah, the great thing about, the great thing about what happened here is that both sides get their favorite narrative. We're the victim. Which is, which is, no, which is Michigan gets to say, you're so uncouth and Ohio State gets to say, why didn't you comply with law

enforcement? Should have complied. Should have complied. This is, this is the best because Mason Graham is standing there in the post in a game interview and he's clearly like like I just get like serious like respect the troops vibes off of him and suddenly the cops start like the fight breaks out behind him and he puts on his helmet to go into the fray like oh yeah hold on I got to go Ryan was it said he was clocking in for overtime yeah yeah it's a union gig it's a good one benefits are great which is hey better than not putting your helmet on as you go back into the fight it's true no that's professional. That was good. Like, listen, that was, I've been watching this Michigan team all year. That was some of the best execution I've seen from them in any game. That was great. Is it, is it time to talk about that, that one? What, are we talking about the, do you want to talk about the game? Oh, yeah. The game? I want to talk about the most exciting thing I saw all day. None of us know where you're going, man. Okay. So the most exciting thing I saw all day was the

look on Ryan Day's face. Oh, man. When Ryan Day was watching the brawl and did not do anything to intervene. Holding himself perfectly still. No, I get that because you know what? That's not his job anymore. Look, I, I understand. That's more situational awareness than I've seen him show all year.

Real briefly, if you cold email the shutdown forecast account, there's no guarantee we will see it or respond, but I would like to. I would like to acknowledge it. this this that we got at a 250 p.m. central time. Ryan Day looks like a baby wearing a disguise to get into a bar. That's all. Yeah, everybody in the in the comments cut it out with comparing Ryan Day to a juggalo. We like the juggalo's. Their allies are their allies of the working people. Ryan Day is boss baby questioning his work life balance. I saw like so many coaches, go out there, bust up the fights, get in between people. Heck, Mike Norvel got out there

and grabbed the flag himself and threw it, right? Which that's way, way more effective involvement than I've seen by Mike Norvel in any other aspect of Florida State game management this season. But congratulations on hiring Gus Melzaan as your new offensive coordinator. It'll be great. Man, that doesn't seem like it's going to make your life less stress. stressful, Gus. But Ryan Day just stood there.

Just stood there watching horrified as everything unfolded around him. He didn't look horrified. Like a fucking Wes Anderson character in a house fire.

He looked like Bill Murray and Rushmore going, I never dreamed I'd have such sons. That's what he looked like. The tumbler of Scotch in his hand.

He's the guy at the end of the backyard wrestling video who's like, dude, what's wrong? But this is probably, this is probably, as somebody who couldn't watch this game because I was at Vanderbilt, Tennessee, I assume this was at the end of a hard-fought offensive mastermind battle that Ohio State just narrowly lost, right? Well, yeah, after, you know, Ohio State purchased the most expensive roster in the history of non-professional football and has Ryan Day, an offensive background, and Chip Kelly. They've got double-digit points. Shit, that's a lot.

Decided schematic advantage. Oof, that's a... Oh, it still stinks. Oh, boy, okay. I just wanted to test drive it. I'm done. I'm done. Yeah, so they lost to the worst Michigan team in, like, what?

since the COVID year. Outside of COVID year, the worst Michigan team in a decade. Yeah. Yeah. When they knew it was coming. When Michigan attempted to hand up the ball game late by going for a pass on second and goal and throwing it directly into the arms of Jack Sawyer,

at which point we're like, ah, nobody's going to win this game. O contrary! Because they went three and out right after that. still lost to Michigan, 13, 10. I don't know, man. I guess remember when Ohio State won this game, like, multiple times, like, for a while. Yeah, we all had jobs to.

And it was like, man, Michigan might never win this game. That was, that was forever ago. It was just forever ago. It was, this used to be novel. Davis Warren average 3.9 yards of completion. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, to be clear, on how many completions is that, Spencer? And that's per attempt that he averaged. His completion, his per completion total is slightly higher, but not great.

I'm going to throw some extra salsa on it, but too, again in Spanish. Are you ready? Yeah. Nueve! That's more throwing than Michigan did. See. Did he throw a touchdown? No.

No, he threw no touch. This looks like, honestly, this looks like a Navy byline. And not even a good Navy byline. No, I mean, from like a couple of years ago, not this latest edition. Yeah. So this is, three of these four Michigan wins have been like, we're going to fucking run the ball. That's all we're going to do. And in some years, it works great.

In some years, it doesn't do a damn thing, but it's what they're going to do. and uh oh i say it really has yet to wrap its mind around that no one in this game was more confused than gus johnson and that's usually he went full green goblin shit tonight i don't even remember what play it was but he man the the the norman osborne mask came fully off unhinged there was the noise he made um on the end zone interception that's the one it was it was a new sound The Living Creatures Beside the Throne had a new song that had never before been heard in that moment. But yeah, Ohio State loses to Michigan.

It's what they do. It's just what they do. Year in, year out, reliable. Now it's the holiday season. You know, I look up and Mariah Carey's on the charts and Ohio State's losing to Michigan. You can set your calendar by it. And it continues to keep them out of the Big Ten championship game.

It's the most fucked up part. Yeah, yeah. yeah ohio state had like a really good like path toward you know the number one seed and all that stuff nah it's gone because they lost a seven and five team they have been the number two team in the nation in all four entering all four of these losses maybe they should stop that part that's the maybe we're the problem yeah yeah yeah i think they should enter as the number one seed and enter this game as the number one team i'm sure that would feel much better it's just like I don't think even the most optimistic Michigan fan,

if you told them three days ago, the most what? You heard. Yeah. If you told them Michigan's going to score 13 points in this game, what odds would they have given you that Michigan wins? No. Right?

Yeah. Filed, not found. Ah, excellent point from the comments. Maybe we're misinterpreting what they meant by number two team. Yeah, I don't know. know what you do from here man i i would like to throw a little water on some of this though and i'm not this is not a large commentary about the 12 team playoff as a whole i think i would like to see more there's been a lot of interesting things like to see what i would like to see more we'll get to

that part don't worry i do there is a version of this world last year for instance where if this weekend proceeded the exact way it had that we would have watched this very average Michigan team knock Ohio State out of a playoff and a surprisingly good Syracuse team with Ohio State's old quarterback knock Miami out of the playoff altogether like they're not getting in no question just stay home the fact that they are both still I think alive I'm not going to like work through all of the math too hard right now. Miami's clinging to the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're alive as a very popular concept in that part of the world. Yeah, it's fine, but I do think this is, this is a useful little slice of like, oh, yes, we have, we have sacrificed something for something else, and that's okay, but I just want to sort of like stop and think about how, like, this is obviously quite bad for Ohio State, but they still have a pathway to win a national. championship that would not have been true last year they would have just been on to some bowl game they didn't want to be in and losing to south carolina maybe frankly at this point yeah yeah things were better last year so that's all that's all yeah yeah this is i don't know it's a thing it's like what i saw matt brown today matt brown which one which one Which one? Which one?

That would be Matt Brown of extra points. Okay, thank you. A newsletter you should subscribe to and bowl sponsor. Matt Brown today called him John Cooper with a beard. Oh boy. A lot of beard. Matt? This to me is, yes.

This to me is shaking the dust from your shoes, right? This is like, I don't care if you get, if you get devoured by wolves on the way to your car, I'm not calling 911. I'm watching. Once you fly the Cooper. Yeah, once you go coop, it's done. And kids, for those not familiar with it, John Cooper was the... A steel-driving man.

So that's John Henry. I'm sorry. A coach with something like a 2-10 record in this game, that's two wins, which is how many Michigan's first year head coach already has in this game. I do want to hear Gus Johnson recite the lyrics to John Henry. I'm aware of what the word can't. When I say the word can't in this sentence, I'm aware of what the reaction will be. You can't fire a 66 and 10 head coach.

Now someone will say, yes, they can. Okay, I understand yes, they can. But, like, what the fuck else do you do? You just had a $3 billion roster, and you brought in a former head coach as your OC. Do you need a former head coach is or DC? Well, your defense played great. So, like, you need a former head coach. the special team's coach but like how much more can you throw it in this situation more

more unfortunately more is michigan's head coach who you can't beat they should i think they should hire chiron more away from him okay okay now we're thinking yeah no let's let's start getting some radical solutions here we hire every coach we ask most of michigan's roster to transfer are we going to use them fuck no they're just going to sit on the bench It's just so that we take all of the Michigan out of Michigan and then we can beat Michigan and we can avoid Ryan Day having the same fate as John Cooper, who went 2, 10, and 1 against Michigan.

Shouldn't let Bill or Brian get away. He's out there. He's out there winning is what he's doing, friend. Bring him home. Mama's calling. I think you should have two OCs. That usually works. Wait, wait, wait, we got to do the,

If we're modeling the Georgia thing, and we kind of are, you know, this Ryan Day has a better record than Mark Rick did at this point in this Georgia tenure, which means you've got to go looking for some Urban Meyer assistance. No, I think it's just Mike Vrable. No objections here. I think it's just Dick Cutting Mike Vrable, frankly. Yeah. Mike Rable's dick.

I don't have any responses to that that we can post. What, that should fly, I dare you. Nope. Nope. I would. I would. I was that it a long time ago. You are, you are positive, like, Spencer, I'm a little surprised.

You're positively, like, not sullen, but, like, soft-spoken about this victory for Michigan. Well, I don't know. Now at this point, I'm just watching a dude fail over and. over and again and if it were like if ohio state were run by hugh freeze oh daddy we would be dancing on a grave tonight right sure that that would be hilarious if brian kelly were running ohio state uh i'd be cackling i'm just watching this dude who when they were planning a flag on the field and his players were brawling with michigan was standing there like he had died like his controller had disconnected i'm watching somebody go through a break

i'm watching somebody i'm watching uh one of those videos i watch on tic-tok where they're like can this truck jump over the hammers and i'm like the truck's not going to jump over the hammers you're really good at that voice though disordered samurai ryan day wandering without a mask yeah i'm just i'm watching this guy die inside and i mean that's on him but at the other hand i feel I feel bad for me that I have to watch it I mean Ryan Day gets paid a lot of money who fucking cares

It's also like The problem Yeah It's like you know However many years ago When Michigan finally won this game For the first time Like it was a big big moment

It was yelling and hollering And then when it It became funnier and funnier Each time But also at this point It's just It's what happens Michigan beats Ohio State

It would be like a It'd be like a just ceremonial hollering For the sake of hollering To get all worked up about it. I'll tell you who was not up to the moment as well. Ryan Day was not up to the moment. And there is no man who is less able to properly convey what is happening on the field or the proper gravity or catch the right perspective than Gus Johnson, which kind of makes him. Man, Gus, Michigan is, today was special. Today was special. Michigan had just won. And

Gus should have called the Syracuse Miami game. He would have been great. He would have been great there. he would have been great instead in this one when Michigan wins and honestly maybe I'm I should look at it the other way I should be like no this is exactly who should have called this stupid game because Gus when Michigan is celebrating at the end of the game wins in their voice says like you this one we we didn't cheat this time that's right we didn't cheat that was so amazing we last year we had to cheat this time Not much cheating No cheating Honest player Acquitted Maybe we cheated But you can't prove it

I am holding No monopoly properties Under my seat Pictures of Spider-Man Your Honor I move we dismiss He was coming up with all kinds Of crazy names for people

Like Jack Sawyer He was like Jungle Jack Never fucking heard him call that no that's a great one that's a great one to just deploy yeah like when he makes up these nicknames and never elaborates on him you know money on the rise why what the money is increasing davis diane i wrote so many pop classics that i find moving warren froggy want a courtin like when chris burman does this i can follow the logic oh it's an awful pun i love it perfect great gus is just and and like he sticks to it like he will never call him anything but the world famous buckeyes which that one he has explained but like isn't that herb street's thing anyway there's so much internal lore internal internal gus lore and if you miss a week you you miss out on parts of it so then after gus did his lawyer routine from michigan during the the flag dust up um that was when he went herb street um because

both he and joel clatt were saying oh this is terrible no one wants to to see this as the camera is exploring every angle and as all of social media is enraptured by the dust up and as Fox is just continuing to pile up viewers

during this this nobody wants to see Gus Joel everybody wants to see this this is great shit keep it coming I want Gus calling pornography now what a disrespectful move no one wants to watch Oh, I'm appalled.

I'm appalled. Still watching. Still watching. I disagree with Spencer's request. You can't put a flag there. What'd you think was going to happen? How long would it take us to notice? Be honest.

It'd be like a minute and a half. To notice what? That we switched him from a football game to an adult film. Well, it's big and it's nude. And on Orthodox, that's... I've never seen a center do that. Listen, if you want to talk pornography, why is Ryan Day here? You look so sad.

Stay in the Big Ten, go to the Indiana-Purdue box scorch. Oh, you want to talk about pornography. We're going to get less safer work. Yeah. I have never, this is the most hateful rivalry game shit I have ever seen in my life. Talk about coming down the track. I think this is, all right, I'm going to have to look this up live, but I saw it referenced in several tweets and in several blue sky posts. I think this is Purdue's worst loss ever.

Oh, that's, that's a, God damn. And I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure earlier this year they suffered their worst loss ever. I want to say against Penn State. Well, Kurt Signetti saw that. It's like, bet. Not on my watch. we can do worse i think it was against i think it was against so notre dame beat beat peru uh early in the season 66 7 and this is worse than that because it's 660 yes according by the way according to the wire story

this does break that record set earlier this season it is the most lopsided loss in peru history breaking the 66 7 mart because this time they didn't even get a fucking touchdown 660 right Ryan, is the runway clear for me to just start reading a bunch of fucking stats that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up with the haters vibe that I get off of it? Honestly, there's only one you need to. 66 points by Indiana in the game. 66 points. Purdue total offense.

67 yards! It was snowing. It was snowing the ground. And Indiana threw for 3.49. They were leading by 39 points, and they called a fake punt. They have been reading the comments about, they don't play anybody. They just beat up on nobody, and they're like,

oh, we'll show you beating up on nobody. Yeah, you want to see us destroy a weak strength of schedule? Behold! We found the ultimate nobody, and we will beat them up. Purdue is so fucking bad man Purdue ran for 39 feet Purdue was already That's so much worse when you say it that way

It was yeah It was already like bottom 10 bottom 15 in the computers And like It's really bad when you are at that point And then go down further Like God Yeah

They ran for dude Purdue didn't run for the depth of like a standard subway restaurant they didn't even get back to the sink it's especially bad in the second half like i'm going through the drive chart here uh negative three yards negative four yards zero yards one yards zero yards negative three yards 13 yards that drive ended in a fumble negative six yards like i i am just on the fly doing math here i'm sure they ended up with negative offensive yardage in the second have and you know what like you can have no offense during rivalry week yeah and still win

Michigan didn't have very much yeah I'm not even talk brother I'm not even talking about Michigan oh Purdue five first downs zero points lost by a million yeah there was a different big 10 team that got five first pick it up Jason pick it up let's do this let's your Iowa Hawkeyes Defeated Nebraska by a field goal for about the 7,000th time, despite not playing any offense. Zero third down conversions. Zero of them. 164 yards.

That's all you get. No more than that. Just did nothing on offense. Jason, at one point, at one point, Nebraska muffed a punt. And they gave Iowa the ball on the Nebraska four-yard line. And you know what I... And they were... Used to shake hands.

Do you know what Iowa did with it? They kicked up to a heel goal. Still scored more points in Ohio's safety. Still scored more points in Ohio. The most expensive roster in football didn't score. What I guarantee you is the least expensive offensive roster. This roster pays N.I.L. money to Kirk Farrants. This shit is free.

They're mowing Kirk Farrants' yard. Iowa's offense. at an exposure. Yeah, that's right. Interns. They're all interns. Every single one of them. Iowa, by the way, this is fucking great.

Oh, my God. 49 yards rushing. 49 yards. You go, oh, surely they got off a lot of plays, right? Like, but this much material. No, dude, they ran 41 plays. Also, if you take out one of their, rushes, it goes to have to 24 yards rushing. Without that one modestly large gain,

they rushed for under a yard per carry. Even better, they're receiving. If I take out the 172-yard TD reception, the one. Sorry. If you take away two Caleb Johnson plays, this team got like 60 yards today no no no no yeah yeah something like that they had 42 yards passing they had 42 yards passing this is amazing and Nebraska lost

honestly speaking of Mike Brable if this happened to my team I'm considered cutting my dick off just on principle not in celebration the Vrabel method is to cut it off in celebration I think you misunderstood the point. I'd preempt that. This is protesting, offering your dick as a sacrifice to the gods of,

please make Iowa play football differently. To fix whatever happened because I just lost to that. If you don't start throwing the ball, I'm going to cut my dick off. Hey, I'll do it. Speaking of threatening to cut your dick off. Yeah. We have breaking news. Uh-oh.

from did you all see the Brian Kelly quote no all right um they they beat Oklahoma tonight surprising absolutely no one um Wilson Alexander of the Times Picayune has posted the following post game quote from Brian Kelly on LSU's direction I'm going to do it in Brian's native accent just so for very similar to is everybody who knows which one that'll be we're taking receipts and we'll see you with the national championship This team is building. Garsh. This has so far produced the incredible ratio of one repost, eight quotes, and six likes.

I'm going to be the seventh like. What? Wow. That's all we need to talk about that game. I just thought that quote was amazing. Sometimes it's good to not get attention. You know? Yeah.

Sorry, I said decided schematic advantage and I summoned him, and I'm sorry about that. That was some Candyman's fit, and I should know. better and I will improve. Yeah, that's potential national champion, preseason national champion LSU you finishing the season at eight and four, because Brian Kelly will never win anything at LSUR ever be happy. Commenter Kettner asked, did he say garsh like goofy? Yes, that was part of the quote.

Thank you for noticing. Brian Kelly is a goofy. This is canon now. I was trying to land on, I was trying to land on what a smuckles accent would be. And I kind of landed on, like, Mitchell Smucker's era. Yeah, if you just, if you just pick one, he will adopt that one at something. It does have an article in Wikipedia, so I'm going to cover this very quickly. Did Maryland secure their third victory ever in their historic rivalry against Penn State?

The answer is no. No, they did not. I forgot that one has a wiki page. It has a wiki page. It's worse than, like, the Bama Mississippi State rivalry wiki page. It's incredible. I appreciate that Michigan cracked open the like

Uh oh time for a weird day And Maryland was like I'm sleepy No thanks Did Penn State throw a late TD in this one Because James Franklin Somebody heard He heard someone talking shit about his lack of killer

Instinct Yes he did But did he trot out the old Jimmy Johnson Well my twos and threes deserve to play And they were hot Yes he did yes he did and said you know the the playoff rankings we got to and we got to run the score up the committee says we don't incent margin of victory but i mean you know come on sure they do

but like also when you openly say the last touchdown was literally nothing but style points they're aware you called it that so maryland um it'd be you might wonder what bowl game they're going to none there four and eight holly has asked holly has asked one of us to read the comment she penned you didn't have to read that part I want to give you credit for sourcing it I'm going to read it's in the comments I didn't say it Brian Kelly couldn't coach a fat dog

to fart thank you agreed so I have a theory on these extra contentious games that we saw numerous of where the you know the the the the bad blood just continued after the whistle and they were fighting over various trinkets and totems just so much tussling and discord

and disagreement but we didn't see that friday night we saw something entirely different in friday's late late night game where we saw kirby smart and brink key embracing each other and damn near crying on each other's shoulders the reason is is they played enough football none of these teams today who are mad at each other after the game michigan ohio state evidently all didn't play enough football ohio state still wanted at that point ohio state be wanting to compete. Oh, they're hangary. Georgia and Georgia Tech,

they got all of the football out of their systems. In one way or another. Very well might go down as the game of the year. The win-prob chart is, it looks like the craziest shit you've ever seen, eight overtimes, and they were done playing football after that. All they wanted to do was hold each other

and not in the violent way. But like, that's how you do it, man. If you hate each other, just keep playing football. Can I get a name him? The oldest fashion hate of all. I think that, because if you think about, like, the angriest coaches in history, it's like, it's from the era of ties.

Like, when you could have a game end in a tie. And that, by definition, was we didn't get enough football out. Yeah, Woody Hayes. Oh, yeah. Woody Hayes definitely had some ties, you know. Bear Bryant. Bo had ties. Like, these are, yeah, these are dudes who were like, oh, I cannot fucking stand it.

Whereas Brett Bilema, winner of the longest game in history, that's just a joke. The most satisfied man in football. Just a jolly, jolly barrel of hugs, that guy. Yeah. Mr. Borderline erotic himself. All you got to do is keep playing football until you're happy. Or at least sad instead of mad. What happens when you get to the end of all that football?

Probably Joe Tess talks about how this going to affect George's chances in the playoff, no matter who is winning or playing. is that not the answer you were looking for? I'm sorry. That felt like a poorly programmed video game where it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly what I was thinking. Ryan, I swear to God,

I was thinking that the entire game where it's like, Joe Test didn't record enough lines for this game. Yeah, I know I have to do a fetch quest to go get a sword. Shut up about it already. Sean! Sean!

Oh, you gotta like Sean's playoff chances after this sense. The Joe Test NPC, he just, you know, just saying like, gosh, I wish someone would do something about that dragon that lives on the hill. Nobody buys bread anymore because of that dragon. If only you would collect 15 chickens for me. Man, I'm having fun, but it was like a genuine shame that that's the way that went, because this was a good game and it kind of felt like he was wasting so many moments.

Yeah. and I there's this game was really great but also like there's there's a lot of real stupid in it like like the lack of proper dialogue at the end or that there were 14 attempts at two pointers and they fucked up 11 of them this was I I think really they were embracing at the end because I think Kirby's smart more than anything wants to be Brent key he's like I just want a team that Bates has had against the wall and has no other options. on a team where they're like, who's your quarterback, some five-star? And he's like, no, he's a repurposed piece of Texas A&M technology with one arm, not even his throwing arm. All he does is he gets out there and he runs into stuff. I just love him so damn much. I love him so much.

He puts his head straight up the card's ass every single town. They don't have an offense. They just hike the ball and run straight forward. I love it. Yeah. Who's your offensive coordinator? I don't know. He's named Buster.

I'm not even sure if he's human. Coach, are we going to hike the ball and run straight forward? You're goddamn right. Until we get to overtime. And then we get to overtime, and then we're suddenly Boise State from the 2000s. Now, the chessboard lays before you. Suddenly it's time for the most meathead team in the country to go all schematical. We're going to try some wild shit.

Have we practiced it? No, we don't practice anything other than head butts. Captain Caveman, you've done a great job getting here, but now I need you to build a bomb so we can meet the job. Germans. We do one thing. What do we do? We're Georgia Tech's offense.

What do we do? We gain exactly three and a half yards per play. Every single play. You put us out there. We're gaining three and a half yards. Oh, it's overtime. We got to gain three yards in order to win. Fuck that.

Let's throw. It's time for finesse passing attack. We don't have any plays that gain like three yards other than the entire fucking playbook. But coach, if we run, we might not get it. Yeah. The passing wasn't doing that either. On a round try, like, nine, you start to think, like, I guess we could just do one of our normal plays. And, hey, what did Georgia win the game on?

Just running the fucking ball of the middle. Mike Bobo, Mike Bobo, you are not going to heaven. You are not. He ran the damn ball, did he not? You are not. I love Brickie so much, but my love was cemented forever when they're going out of the mandatory two. And you see him holding up. one to go for one

I was like at last we have a coach we have a coach who's brilliantly stupid enough to succeed at George Tech could you is there any reason why you couldn't send the extra point team out there and line up and just run a fake like could

that that technically feels legal right? Yeah I mean the other team would be like doubly confused right right the romance between the two was so pure because Brett Key was like I don't want this night to And we're going to fuck up this two-point conversion. And Kirby was like, I don't want it to end either.

Fuck my offense. Man, that makes it seem like an AT&T commercial. You hang up. No, you hang up. Yeah, no, exactly. Get over here. I just got to hold you. I just love the way football team.

Y'all remember that famous weird Twitter moment between Bon Iver. Don't tell me how to say it. and Sufion Stevens, where they wake up crying and then they fall back asleep in their nest. That. But on television. Spencer, there was certainly more and more of Georgia, Georgia Tech. Wait, can I lodge one more complaint against the way this game was called? Yeah.

The fact that it kept the entire point of the narrative that Joe Tess was trying to construct throughout this game made it seem as though Georgia's playoff chances were ever in dispute or that Georgia tech cared about them yeah like there's a there's like a you're ignoring a fantastic game happening in front of you but B the narrative that you are pushing is not remarkably compelling or questioned by anyone there I think if you've mentioned it just once or twice you know establish the stakes established yeah tech would take would enjoy um putting george just playoff tripping about but it was mentioned the number of times it was mentioned

um definitely made it feel that it's like a producer's really leaning on it like we get it robin to me it felt like he didn't prep but i don't know what oh see i think it felt like look i'm sorry i lost all your prep sheets this is the only thing i have just say it i'm looking at we get it robin hood and little john walking through the forest move all right sorry the man has to call pro wrestling now he's used to reiterating reiterating the rules every five minutes

I really thought when wrestling leaked into this sport it would be a lot more fun I mean we had a lot of wrestling leaking all over

the country today after pretty much every game when you put it that way lots of leaky leaky wrestling so Ryan

you were saying that I had less so Ryan you were setting up an advertisement we needed less discussion of Georgia's

college football playoff chances during Georgia Georgia, Georgia, Attach's eight overtime game. Spencer, would I say more and less? What comes to mind for you? I think about the more real money sports action I get with prize picks.

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You could run your game all season long on prize picks. Mike Bobo can't play because he doesn't run anything. Wow. Yeah, today, by the way, did have Caleb Johnson, of course. So thankfully, I did pretty well due to the incredibly productive Iowa offense. I did have an option on Michigan's offense, which I did not take. Turns out that didn't matter because it had nothing to do with the margin of victory. But all it does is it keeps me in the winnings on my prize picks slate.

All you need to do is download the prize picks app today and start selecting more or less on players and stat types that you want to use. If you download that app, you can use the code. full cast dark to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Download the app today. Code full cast dark, $50 instantly with your first $5 lineup. Prize fix, run your game. Spencer, 50 is a multiple of 10. And do you know who got to 10 today, specifically 10 wins?

Oh, Lord, who? The Iowa State Bucke and Cyclones. first time first time in farmageddon no less in a very interesting farmageddon game they stormed the field they're 10 and 2 hell yes they are like as of now this is in the balance right now i believe i believe the big 12th championship is down to this arizona state is in and if b yu beats houston iowa state is in if b if they're currently leading 2110 midway through the third quarter if b y u loses to Houston, Colorado is in. That's how great conference championship games are now. The Big 12 participation is decided by BYU, Houston, and neither one of them can make it into the Big 12 championship game.

The Kingmakers. Yes, yes. The four and seven Houston Cougars. That's right. Control the, uh, the, uh, the strings of power. The time stone belongs in Houston. Willie Fritz kind of does look like Red Skull. If he got some hydrofacials.

Oh my God, hydrofacials. It's good. That's good. Yeah, Arizona State, by the way, he absolutely fucking hammered Arizona 497. They were pissed, dude. They were pissed. They were angry. Camp Scataboo, again, one of a storybook season.

A storybook is probably rated NC17. you wouldn't want your kids to read No, I think it's more one of those like grocery store paperback romances I saw him wearing a midriff and he seemed so apposable yet so distant Olivia and the billionaire cattle king Yeah, that's it, that's it

Actually, the only Arizona State player I've seen on TikTok there I saw somebody interviewing Arizona State students and multiple Arizona State students including two dudes We're like, about their quarterback We're like, Sam Levitt, hey man call me i will suck your dick

thank you for raising the specter of Arizona State book talk yeah oh I get it the woman is torn between Sam Levitt and Cam Scataboo that's it's right that's right and and it ends up they all love each other it's the greatest love triangle ever hey what do you call

what do you call a Trident but three points sure yeah Arizona State's mascot is the thruple united in a single thrust yeah that's right That's right. That's right. Yep. We heard that. We all heard that. That's right.

Long time friend of the program, Chris Driver. Rigid Trident is bearing down on your verdant Greenway. Longtime friend of the program, Chris Driver gave me the only review I need of Arkansas's performance in a 2821 lost to Mizzou. And that was, God damn it. Every fucking year. Every fucking year. That was early in the game, too, and it really held up. It was. It was early. And I think the score that he was rel- resenting had already been called back. But it was a preview of things to come. I alluded to

shenanigans in Connecticut UMass, a game that went the distance, but the cum ball was triumphant for Yukon 4742. That's a real score. So according to no escalators, my source for all things Yukon in the world at this point. A UMass account was basically like, oh, we have, we introduced this trophy called the Southwick judge jug trophy. Southic judge would be better. Safik? Southic.

Okay. Yeah. That's disappointing. And it's basically a like cup on top of a mounted wood something, just a piece of, a big, shiny piece of wood. then they umass was like well we're we're asking we're not acknowledging this trophy and we're asking you con not to do it either but then jim mora came out and was like this is a hundred percent false i specifically asked for the trophy at the end of the game and i was told point blank you folks

weren't giving it up come clean umas don't put this on yukon football or the yukon huskies how is yukon constantly involved in trophy shenanigans and whether you get them and whether they exist or not how is this king happening to you everybody's did something

I think the solution is we need a UMass UCF trophy oh my God you know what they are sleepy boys just oh where did I put that trophy it's a sleepy

boar so sleepy it's all the nutmeg it's got them hallucinate and they're like ah crazy that it yes we're mad like sailors can't remember where we put our loot our let's see

Pitt did indeed finish with a five lost streak no surprise they had to play Boston College who everyone loses to but Pitt is awesome at sea state did indeed send

Mac Brown off from at least this part of his UNC career with a loss as well who can say where Matt Brown's going to go from here or whether he'll even come out of his office I'm barricaded in here motherfucker You come and get me.

I'm the fundraising chief. I hope he shows up at Florida State, and he was like, I heard you're looking for coordinators. I'm excited to put in my application. Matt Brown to UCF, I'm kind of like the sound of that. Like, it's where old people go. They go to Orlando. You know?

We heard you were frustrated by this one coach who may seem like the game is passed by, so we double down. So the game has passed you by even more. It's even harder. Older. Older. I like it. Do it, UCF.

Yeah, go for it. Hey, hey, he's won the big 12 before multiple times. That's right. Hey, you want to make it feel like the 90s again? Alabama and Syracuse finished with the same record. Nine and three. Virginia Tech beat Virginia. Virginia gets bulgeable.

Virginia stays at 5 and 7. A lot of teams had a chance to get bold. eligible today and failed Cincinnati didn't happen and I know some of them will like maybe sneak in because the five and seven will be good enough for a bowl here and there only only like one or two tops or

yes Michigan State 41 14 lost to wreckers not bowl eligible at this point in time yeah Kansas had a chance man but but like Baylor ended up no I don't blame Baylor I don't blame Kansas because

Baylor wasn't ranked how is Kansas supposed to be Yeah, that's true. So Kansas should finish 5 and 7 and rank number 25. Correct. Kansas is like bull. You have to wave the red flag at them. Yeah, it's not worth their time. Not properly motivated.

Kentucky, boy. Ha! Palindromed. Palindromed, by the way, in the game's final score and in the regular season record. Oh, wow. By Louisville. Damn. Yeah, yikes.

Don't recommend that. The Iron Bowl happened. The Iron Bowl happened. More importantly, Kent State finishes the first O-N-12 team since 2019. In the all-time SRS power ratings, they are currently 13,732nd out of 14,100 all-time FBS-level college football teams. So a very, very bad team, but not the worst team of all-time. Now we're near the worst, but actually pretty near the worst. And it's kind of sad because it's kind of always right around where Kent State is.

This is the team that had to play a playoff team, Penn State, playoff team, Tennessee, and they had to play Pitt during Spitz good era. Ascendant Pitt. Pit rising. Pit, pit, pit go up. Next year, they got to play Texas Tech. Oklahoma probably won't be as bad. And Florida State will probably be a whole new team. Coach Bucknell's on.

Like, God, dude, this fucking sucks. Like, I'm just going to say, I can't say it, I'm sorry. Florida State, I'm not sorry. No. I'm not sorry. There we go. Sorry ass two win team.

You kidding me? Did y'all have a Donnybrook? There was indeed a Donnybrook. Yes, there was a flag-based. It was flag-related. Exciting. And there was beers were thrown during the alma mater or something like that. Ah.

Mm-hmm. Mike Norville did manage to pull the flag away from midfield and throw it, which was impressive that he didn't drop it on the way to throwing it, because Florida State fumbled eight times and lost five of them. They got sacked nine times, I want to say, in this game.

Yeah. Yeah. He also, like, he also didn't accept Billy Napier's handshake, which was pretty funny. Wait, did he fake him out? No, he just like, yoink. He went over there and was like,

hey, what's all this flag bullshit? Billy Napier's like, please, man, this is is so long can we just go home it was great it was great and let's be charitable the Florida State eat shit no eat shit play fake

you thought I was going to say something nice no go straight to fucking hell I think the shit is the charity because there's something worse that would have been hey fun fact does anybody know who new offensive coordinator Gus Melzon will get to face in his

first game next year with the Florida State Seminoles. Is it Auburn? It's Alabama. Hey. Hey. Man, sometimes the narrative just gets going all on its own there, don't it? It sure do. Hey, speaking of eating shit, I'd like to congratulate Mike Gundy on completing a perfect season.

Oh, and nine in the Big 12. Not even close by the end. Not even close. Not even fucking close, man. Colorado is a fascinating team. Like, I skeeded this the other day, but like, there's this thing that people who don't play video games say, they say, this team puts up video game numbers. And what they mean by that is this team puts up a lot of really good statistics. Those are not video game numbers.

Video game numbers are your quarterback throws 100 touchdowns and 100 interceptions. James Winston puts up video game numbers. Colorado is the most video game numbers team I've ever seen. winning a game 52 to nothing while Shador Sanders gets sacked six times gave up nine tackles for loss just like because you had the because you were just working the controller being like running the backfield 30 yards this way 20 yards that way it's it's watching this team it's like oh we're up by 21 I'm just going to skiddle around in the backfield and try to make a cool play happen like right like it's not about like let's let's do the play that increases our percentage chance of victory by 0.01 it's like no I want to do

something awesome and it it might go poorly but like it's every colorado game it's it's actual video game shit and that's not necessarily a compliment but sometimes it is i would like to offer not an apology of sorts but maybe an acknowledgement to Oregon we have not talked about Oregon in probably a month and a half and it's not Oregon's fault it's that there have been like None of these games have been. Wisconsin is the only close game on this list. Since they beat Ohio State, it's been Purdue, Illinois, Michigan, Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, who they beat Handley today. Most of those wins were not like, they were exactly what Oregon needed to do. No more and no less. They were not necessarily meaningful. I feel bad because I feel like, how did Oregon end up in this same spot where they have this really good team that everybody's like, yeah, we're not. watching that yeah because they're a big 10 team okay okay because they're just sort of like you know they're in this like weird in between liminal space where it's like yeah they're in the big 10 but you know like if this was like wow look at how awesome this pack 12 team there's an identity or something

to it but even this this feels like those years when like the the the bulk of the pack 12 was down and you'd be like yeah I'm not watching Oregon play Arizona like I'm not let me know if that game gets close it didn't get close okay cool, I'm fine. I don't know. We always watch those Oregon teams, though, you know. Yeah. Maybe it's because they always, when Oregon was at its best,

they played super late at night and they were the biggest show in town at that point. And now they're playing, you know, I don't even know when they play. They played it like weird ass. They play normal hours. Disgusting gray sky hours. Yeah. Is it possible? And I'm not saying this is fair or even right that our memory of Oregon in the postseason

is not always a happy one. No, that's possible. Sure. They also don't have a whole lot. This team, I will say, normally when you watch a team, you can find a couple of things to hang your hat on. For instance, Colorado, we were just talking about them. You can point and say, well, Shudor Sanders is going to get the ball to Travis Hunter, and that's extraordinary. Sure, Arizona State has a scataboo.

Right, Arizona State has a scataboo. Indiana has the power of rage. And this Oregon team is just efficient. Like, they're efficient. it they're going to run for business like to draw our eyes yeah they're going to score on special teams once they're going to run for 200 they're going to pass for 200 they're not going to make any mistakes they'll make you make mistakes and they'll win by 20 points that's all they do so it's very hard i think to hang a hat on them like even a team like south carolina you go i don't know

lenore seller just like no telling which quarterback is going to be that day or what they're going to have to pull off in order to win um you know tennessee you can go oh man dylan samson It's just been like rock steady at running back. The ninja turtle character, you mean. Right, yeah. And their defensive lines have just been incredible. That game happened too. You know why it was great?

You know why it was great? Because they had hope for a minute. Oh, that's what made it so beautiful. They had hope for five minutes. I would argue they had hope longer than that. Oh, okay. That's great. sure there was no there was not a punt in this game until midway through the second quarter it was so weird and in the second half it was so regular it was just exactly what tennessee was like oh right we're good at this

this exactly what happened and honestly it was kind of a shock to see given the injury list um but ah mischief fucking managed dorks once tennessee on on defense was like oh right we can put it in the box i forgot it you can go to that page you just have to press r2 to get over to that formation remember that captain marvel panel where she's like i forgot i can do that yeah yeah that's that that was basically the story like it listen was it very fun to be sitting in the tennessee section when vanderbilt ran back the opening kickoff a hundred yards yeah it was like the anxiety was palpable and i was i was a little worried i was like oh no i'm about to watch a bunch people have a really bad day but that didn't you were that didn't have i mean not not a party at the stadium not a bunch of people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all you the state all you need to know is that

tennessee got a safety by tackling vanderbilt's running back in the back field most of the time when that happens it's like oh a guy tripped or maybe someone made a good tackle nope two guys two guys were standing right in front of the fandy running back a yard deep in the end zone like ha ha we'd like to discuss your portfolio. Listen, the freshman baby deer quarterback beat up roster. I don't know what's going to happen next. I will take it.

What a season. I love this team. My only lingering concern, and I really don't think it even matters. There's 17 lingering concerns. I don't care. That's tomorrow's business. This is tonight.

Man, Tennessee loves to get penalties. Loves to get penalties all. Oh, man. This was so far. this was so far from the worst outing we've had at that that I didn't even notice that's fair that's fair also you got to argue that that's like paying tribute

to our heritage like also for fuck's sake like okay you were in the stadium so you probably didn't see this that one that one false start call even the announcers noticed was like visible horseshit oh yeah yeah no not not all of it but like

the other fun thing about sitting at the stadium is like you're surrounding surrounded by fans who are like, what, you call the horse collar? There's no way. Then you watch the replay and you're like, yep, just pulled him right down by the nameplate. That's exactly what the call is. So we got a commenter contending that Vandy gave a third of Tennessee fans a coronary in the first half. So that's a win in their book. No, it's not. They have aspirations now. Don't reduce them like. I'm defending Vandy right here. Don't reduce them like that. They have aspirations right now and they deserve to. They're good. And they, there was. There was.

The glimmer of hope was not just like the unsustainable run of fumble and fumble recovery and kick return in the first of four plays. Oh, don't forget the trading, the back-to-back interceptions. The back-to-back interceptions, the close to back-to-back fourth down stops against one another. This was just a super weird game. You know what? It felt like, I'm glad you brought that up because it felt like a rivalry game for the first time. maybe ever that i can remember and what i mean by that is is exactly this like it was

alternating sprints of everybody on both sides is playing out of their minds and completely boneheaded fourth down decisions like everyone everyone is just bearing down as hard as they can and sometimes that goes straight and sometimes that goes sideways i mean a fucking field goal went wobbling in off the crossbar and bounced over for tennessee that's the kicker that were talking about was haunted earlier this season. I will take that. Did it get points? Sure. Thanks, Max. Love you. Sorry the FBI had to go to your mom's house. But it was a fun place. It was a fun place to watch the end of the Michigan, Ohio State came on my phone. And then watch a bunch of Tennessee fans here because they're just like fuck Ohio State. There's not even a real reason for that. There's not even a real reason for that. There's not. It's just like, fuck, we like seeing you lose. Oh, it was good. It was fun.

Hey, I know we already hit the Iron Bowl. Can we circle back to two very strange announcements? I don't want to make this entire evening media criticism, but it's almost one in the morning. There were two real weird moments in the last five minutes of the Iron Bowl. Go ahead. The first was right after Peyton Thorne through that game, not game-killing interception, because it was out of reach. But Peyton Thorne plays what is probably his last down. as an Auburn Tiger and Sean McDonough is just kind of musing in that way that he does and

he's like you know oh that's probably the last we'll see of Peyton Thorne in this game and there are some Auburn fans who probably think that's appropriate yeah just just drops that cold and then not to be outdone because let's we forget and I love Sean McDonough not to be forgotten his booth partner is Greg fucking McElroy who if this doesn't oh god who just constructed the perfect mind palace of the alabama fan as you know the game is winding down they're about to do the good night partner great season and right before that gregg mackroy goes starts talking about how can you know calen debor will find his feet as he's about to win the iron bowl by 14 for bama's ninth win and a probable playoff spot

Greg Macquarie is up here talking about how, you know, Caleb DeBore will figure it out, little guy. Yeah, man. Yeah. Um, can I talk about another instance of malpractice today? There's a lot of that. There are at least two games we need to get into in greater detail, and I know it's late, but go ahead.

Uh, yes, just real quick. I hope this is one of them. Just in case you didn't think that he was going to do the damn thing. Mario Cristobald showed up to work today. Why? Did something unusual happen? Uh, yes. after Syracuse scores a touchdown with 340 with let's see they score this touchdown with 916 left in the fourth quarter to take a 4235 lead over noted ACC power and cryptocurrency the Miami Hurricanes all right 4235 what does Miami do then Miami needs a score Miami goes on a 13 place 65 yard

drive over the next five minutes and 34 seconds and gets all the way down to the syracuse 10 the syracuse 10 on fourth and goal and with just three minutes and 42 seconds left what does miami elect to do with cam ward human highlight reel and cheat code at quarterback they kick a field goal because presumably Mario Cristobal believes he is going to see the ball again. If I read you the rest of the play-by-play, there is not another line that says subsequent Miami possession because Syracuse doesn't give them the ball back. They mobbed the last three minutes and 40s two seconds.

Miami doesn't even force a third down. Miami does not finish a third down even though Syracuse is just running the goddamn ball. That's all they're doing it. At one point, at one point on second and four, what does Miami do with a minute, 53 seconds left? Miami commits an off-sides penalty to give them a roof. That under-selt, did you see the penalty in question? Yes, it looked like he was hitting a tackling sled, right?

When they go, release, you know, boom. You know, when you're playing Red Dead and you accidentally pull your gun and shoot and you didn't mean to do that, that's what this, And you have the shotgun out, so they fly off the horse. That's what it's off sides. It helps, too, that Syracuse's center, to his credit, once he got hit, he was like, oh, we're going for a ride, brother. Like, he threw his arm back, like, wee! Yeah, yeah.

He sold, he sold it like he was getting a stunner. Like, he sold the shit out of it. It was great. Yeah, Miami didn't get the ball back in Mario Cristobal. So glad you didn't go for the touchdown there. That would have tied the game. And who wants to do that? Miami blew a 21-point lead in this game.

Yeah, yeah. They blew a 21-point lead and finished 10 and 2, which is just one game better than Syracuse's 9 and 3. Would love to see their N-I-L numbers and how they compare. And now won't play for the ACC title. Oh, fuck no, no. You know who will instead? That's right. ACC Legends, SMU.

That's right. It could have been you, but a team that's... that loves cocaine more stepped in. Man. They took your crown in two ways. Entering the lacrosse conference and taking the cocaine crown. God dang. Yeah, this was,

they beat Cal a conference rival. At one point in this game, real quick, at one point they're going through the Miami Close Calls, the Virginia Tech game, the Cal game, the Louisville game. They don't mention, in this clip show, they don't show the Georgia Tech game and I feel like that was the real cosmic error was to be like we should acknowledge that sometimes this doesn't work for Miami that sometimes the Lord does

not shove the horseshoe right back up their ass what a picture thanks what a picture you paint I'm gonna share this in the chat by the way you need to see that Jeff Fisher's appearance at this Tennessee State game he looks like Russell Crow as Javert I will be be in my bunk the link is i've included the link in the comments and i am putting it in the show chat just so that you can take a look but he really does look like i'm just going to photoshop a little javert on him if you can see it stars somebody wants a ticket of somebody wants a ticket of leave this i swear by the ponds yeah um man USC really looked like they were about to give Notre Dame a miserable finish to a game that Notre Dame mostly looked like they

had in hand for most of the game. And the absolute back-breakingness of throwing a beautifully intercepted pass. Christian Gray, who caught this, might have also committed pass interference at the time. Doesn't matter because they didn't call it. Run back for 99 yards. for a touchdown to effectively flip the game from oh this is about to be tied up to nope you're down 14 and it's not going to get closer than that for the rest of the game was just brutal did they go out and throw another pick six for a hundred yards right after that yes they did yes USC did USC finishes the regular season six and six. Lincoln Riley makes so much money to win one, two, three, four conference games.

Hey, speaking of so much money, can I drop a little extracurricular business in? Uh, front of the program Treblah runs an annual toy drive via one simple wish. Uh, and they actually started this campaign last week. I'll miss the start of it because there has been a lot going on. I'm going to drop the link in the comments. And the game is simple. It is Christmas time. And there are kids out there who are wanting holiday gifts,

who are not going to be in a situation to get holiday gifts, and you buy those toys, and you give a kid a Christmas present, who you'll never meet, which is probably good because you're listening. to this show at one in the morning. You don't need to be meeting children of any kind. But we love Treb and we love Meg and we love this fundraiser that they do. They have granted $101,000 worth of wishes and we like to throw in when we can because, if you're not aware, Treb is a Penn State person and y'all know how those folks show out for the Charity Bowl. So let's have good teammate behavior out there.

Let's give them a great return on the investment that they have made with us to put it in LinkedIn parlance and more, more wishes for children. That's going to the Big Ten Championship. That's not the point. I know. I'm sorry. That's not the point. I'm sorry. This is supposed to be a, this is a happy moment.

I'm sorry. Okay. At any rate, have draw. the link into the chat there. Let's see what y'all can do with it. We'll put it in the show notes if you're listening to this after the fact as well. Sure will. So is this accurate that we don't, we know who's playing in the Sunbelt championship game,

but we don't know where it's going to be played? I believe it sure is. I believe it's a rematch of a game that already happened today, correct? Be Marshall, Louisiana? Oh, wait. Is Marshall in it now? Oh, wait, never mind. Okay. Yeah.

I apologize. I, yes, I think. Okay, great, great, great. Yes, host site to be announced on Sunday, December 1st. That means they don't know. That means you don't know. Although, if they announced this, they will do it faster than the Big Ten figured out that Oregon was in its conference title game. That's true.

That took three and a half days. It wasn't early on Tuesday either when they announced it because we missed it taping the show. oh my god that's great i love that do you think this means that they can announce any possible host site any it's all on the table okay so i'm looking at here uh the championship game host will be determined um uh sorry i was thinking of the conference USA is a rematch that's where i got mixed up uh the championship game host will be determined based on a composite average of selected computer rankings that include all games on the final weekend of the conference regular season

and that's why we can't know today because the computer didn't tell us yet I do hope the computer is like Las Vegas go nuts it's just some ancient like tandy radio shack computer that's hooked up to a snowmobile

machine it's got that old printer it's got the dot matrix printer paper it's got dot matrix it just keeps printing out kill me kill me We're out of ink. Somebody's got to go back to 1999 and get some more. Ted Cruz pops up.

Did somebody say ink? I make that. In my ink sacks. Yeah, Ted is a whole bitch, by the way. He wore a shirt that said Switzerland to the Texas, Texas A&M. No, no, no. Wait, did he really? Yeah, he did.

He did. This counts against A&M, though. I assume Ted Cruz wore that because he's secretly hoarding Nazi gold as well. I assume that 500 people just died in a catastrophic gondola accident somewhere in Switzerland because he wore that shirt. Huh. Uh, what, have we forgotten anything at this point? Probably. Probably.

I am certain Duke Illinois won the hat Duke Illinois won the hat Duke won Duke won late

Has Duke sweat Tobacco Road Um Please hold He's looking to see Please hold North Carolina Yes they have

Wake Forest Yes I don't think Yeah Okay Yep If you didn't see By the way

Although they lost to the two other good cocaine schools, SMU and Miami. Well, bronze is still a medal. Yeah. You can still snort off it. Yeah. And it was asked that I mentioned that

Bannie Diaz finished with a better record than Mike Elko did. It is true. We all saw. These are facts. These are just math facts. Additionally, on the weekend in which Colorado State reached 8 and 4, 6, and 1 in conference, let's congratulate Spencer Hall's North Texas

Mean Green for becoming bowl eligible. That's right. Boy, it was real hard to get to it. But, you know, music tends to balance out because we do play in scales. And they want to be even. Let's not leave anybody out. Coach, your Colorado State Rams got to eight wins. Coach, so proud of you. Over hated Utah State. God, I fucking hate those guys. And San Jose State beat Stanford, just like we drew it up. Spencer, is that a conference game?

It is not a conference game. You sure? Positive. Will it maybe be in a couple years? Who's to say? I'm taking a flyer on it. Nobody knows. I was good.

Also, I was, confession, I was scrolling down just now to see what is this week's woke team to beat Liberty, and it is famously liberal Sam Houston. That's right. Real quick, don't put the egg bowl on in the middle of the day. It doesn't belong there. No, it does not need to. be played under God's light. The world should not see the egg bowl

except as part of sin, okay? The whole idea behind it. It should be like that weird vampire club in the first Blade movie with blood coming out of the sprinklers. And by that same token, why is clean old-fashioned hate happening at night?

They were on the same channel. Literally, all you had to do was swap these two games and it's fine. Don't do this again. Then the egg bowl would have been delayed via It ate overtime, and we could have watched that happen, because if there's one thing Ole Miss and Mississippi State fans need, it's more time to drink. Like we had one of the fightiest rivalry weekends in recent memory. We had Colorado doing the dog pee celebration against Oklahoma State, and nothing happened

in the Egg Bowl, because you put it on in the daytime, and everybody thought that their mom and dad was watching what if that is what caused all these other games to be so fun what if the egg bowl sacrificed itself thereby making every other game the egg bowl egg bowl everything was egg bowl oh ted cruz is losing his mind everything is eggs but not his eggs losing my mind but not my eggs bowl is like to remind everybody i would like to remind everybody as we're reaching to the end of the program, this, that human David Goggins tape, Trent Dilfer, led the UAB Blazers to a three and nine record this year. One more win than Florida State. One more win than Florida State. The Florida Atlantic Owls fired Tom Herman as their head coach and endured a disastrous season by finishing three and nine, which is one more win than the Florida State Seminoles. The Stanford Cardinal decided to do what Stanford grads do, which was perpetuate fraud by finishing three and nine, which seems rather honest compared to the two and ten effort of the Florida State Seminoles.

Do you think this bit's going to end? Fuck you. The Oklahoma State Cowboys didn't win a single game in conference, but they still finished three and nine, which is one better than the two and ten Florida State Seminoles. had to endure a one in eight in conference season by the maryland terrapins who never even really get september maryland or october is it's our good night moon it is uh and never really got around to that um because even at four and eight they doubled the two and ten florida state seminals win total here perdu peru was fucking worse northwestern played in an unfinished seaside carnival and a baseball stadium and still managed to win four games.

Stanford just lost to San Jose State, and they won three games. Go find a Kentucky fan who wants to talk about their season. They won four games. Two more than Florida State. Vanderbilt won more SEC games than Florida State won games. Y'all, we discussed them multiple times this year as possibly the saddest and most futureless program in FBS. Temple won three games, which is one more than four.

Florida State. One more than Florida State. Yeah. FIU, with the power of Pitbull, only managed four and eight, which is two more wins than Florida State. Yeah, William, we are all UFF fans. Chomp, Chomp. I love UFF so much. The University of Florida at.

FU. Florida University of fucking Florida. Florida cities. I'm going to find one that starts with F. Yep, it's landlocked, just like Tennessee. Fax and L. Florida at Fruitland Park

Fake Fordles University of Florida Fight and Phicus Tulsa went three and nine Tulsa's terrible Wow that really Tulsa's fucking terrible UCF

Listen FSU Needed a new Ophoskornator They saw UCF needed a new or FSU needed a new offensive coordinator and they saw UCF sitting on four wins and they're like Wow that's double R2

We should hire that guy so they did line go up you tap and new mexico state both finished with more wins than yeah they played each other Wisconsin stumbling to a terrible five and seven Wisconsin's worst season in

over 20 years was better than what Florida state did for middle Tennessee state yeah more wins than Florida state yeah I felt good I felt right night good night mush

hey here is the good news you don't have to play any more games florida state it's done it's over it's over yeah fuck it you can be like hey fuck this team that's right you don't have to watch right i have to sit through a bowl game yeah florida state

you get to enjoy the thing you love most which is suing the acc because you are too good to be in this conference unconquered in court they have got to let not true either they have got to let you spread your wings and go lose 10 games elsewhere and i think we've announced this in like three different shows but yeah including tonight we've already said it once but

guess who florida state plays first next year get those fs you digs it yeah that's right we're digging we're put pile in the dirt on why would we not why would we get like get them in now before yeah before what yeah why don't you go to your excellent film program before everybody else gets their digs in because soon we will have broken through the limestone soon we'll have dug all the way through. Yeah, I'm waiting for your statements of respect for what we've

done. Dig through. I wanted a pool. You're just making a pool here in my backyard. We made jokes about 4 and 8 Notre Dame for fucking ever. Ever. And that was twice as many wins as this team.

Like, okay, like FSU fan how many literally years did you make fun of Florida losing to Georgia Southern? That was way better than what FSU did this year. This is the third worst team in program history just on the basis of win-loss record. Like, you were pre-season 10 and you lost 10 games.

That's incredible. You lost in Ireland. This is a special shit. This isn't just like, This, like, this isn't a, this isn't, oh, ho, you win seven and five, you suck. Every year has a top ten team that, like, falls out of the top 25 or whatever. No, this is special, special, special shit. Like, this is, this is worth treasuring.

Get a tattoo of it. If I'm an FSU fan, I am proud of what my team accomplished here. Talking about the Knowles. Listen, we spent 20 minutes to this program talking about how Ryan Day was. a knoll hole. Yeah. How Ryan Day looked like he had stared into the abyss and the abyss had stared back hard. What a sad dysfunctional state that Ohio State was in. Oh, they won many more games than Florida State. They have an opposite record. Opposite, yeah. The abyss is staring back at you over the top of its glasses like, fucking really, dude. Florida State, you are the abyss.

The abyss is sassing you. Your inventory is so loaded with disrespect right now. Like, the thing you love the thing you love to eat most oh my god the internet is being so mean to us we're in the red potion and we love red potion you are encumbered with disrespect you need to unload some of it so you can walk yeah i'll put it in terms you can understand you know that meme where james franco is at the noose and the the buster scrugs right and he's like hey first time kent state's next to you on the on the the the dais there kent state is right next to you're like you're down here with me take a sip of this night train

you have shot 100 pounds of whole bitch and you can only carry 40 of it back to the wagon later on I'm going to fight a giant ball of rats for three dollars that's you you're the ball of rats you're the ball of rats yeah hey but you know

what they say about the ball of rats that's the rat king yeah I mean and to be clear we love you but I'll bury you and laugh I don't. We love them? I love them right now. Yeah, I love them right now.

I love teams that are interesting. I love content. And this Florida State team, fascinating. There's a reason we keep coming back to it. This is all-time shit. As much as we're like, holy shit, Indiana won 10 games. Right. It's as holy shit that Florida State lost 10 games.

That's unthinkable for this program. You didn't know limbs could bend like that. And not, like, this is, like, if, if, if, like, late era Bobby Bowden lost 10 games, that would be insane. Right. If, if, if, if, if Jimbo's final team lost 10 games, that would be. Yes. This team should have been in the playoff last year. If Willie Taggart lost 10 games in season. Yeah. Last we fucking forget, we rode hard for Florida State being screwed last year. Yeah. And then they were, became annoying with the loss six thing. And then look what you did.

And then, and then they became fascinating on the field. Anyway, yeah, you're going to get like 50 transfers in and you'll probably be better next year. It's fine. You'll have to be better. You can't be worse than this. Robert, challenge a... Probably significantly better, but at least somewhat better.

Yeah. Robert says Mike Norvell is the rat king. That is close. He is the rat tail king. Hope this helps. It's time to bring back the cornrows, I think, is the answer. Got to try something. The 90s are back everywhere else.

Return. It's not like Ryan fucking Silverfield is going to put cornrows. If you don't do it, at least. at least have Gus do it. Gus bring up. Oh, my God. Love that. The hammer pants.

Love that answer. Did you really think he who walks behind the rose would allow you to escape? No one wants to see that. We all want to see the corner. Choose the form of your destructor, Mike Norville. I admit Gus Mels on, but that Gus too. That's right. You are animated the Decapitron.

Oh, oh, my God. Gus Malz on with Cornrose. Yeah. He kind of, his, never really thought about it to right now, but is his head kind of Mars attacks coated in shape? A little bit. I call this, I call FSU's 2024 season, the Bifert Dolphin Incident, because it sucks and everyone died.

All right, that's the end of the show. We're done. We'll be back for conference championship week and other weeks, but boy, there was a lot of football to do here. Most of it. Most of it in Athens. Hey, Ryan, do you want to run down real quick when the remaining full cast after darks are?

Yes, please hold. While I pull up the official list, people say we don't plan. In case, hey, in case you're planning work vacations or family events, here are when we have the remainder of our scheduled full cast after dark conference championship weekend next weekend

Saturday of the first round playoff games that's December 21st the night of New Year's day January 1st that's a Wednesday but that's big playoff day and of course after the national

championship on January 20th which is a Monday which is not long after our sold out live show with Split Zone duo and who knows Maybe that's the one we'll get crazy and do full cast after dark as a live production during the game.

Hey, maybe we'll be paid by then. Eh, no guarantees. Speaking of, sponsored by prize picks. Business. Good night, everybody.