Shutdown Fullcast - Fullcast After Dark - The Masculine Urge to Roast A&M

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

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Spencer, is your phone charged? It is. Thank you for asking sugar. I got a whopping 61% charge. You know what? I'll take it. I gave my phone a biscuit, is what you're... I made biscuits today with the water.

I did. I made... They were fucking good, weren't they? They were good. Did you say it to yourself when you were going to come? You did, didn't you? You thought? You were like, yeah.

I don't have a biscuit. And I did. Yeah. It feels good. It feels good to do that. Yeah. You're like 2% more Tennesseean now. You're like, oh, I'll make myself a biscuit.

Most importantly, I didn't like wait in line for an $8 biscuit. No, you didn't like a fucking mark. Like a chump. I'd just like to point out the one episode where we don't have Holly on and Holly's not on tonight because of technical difficulties is the one where. all that the struggle to reach 1,000 is real. When Holly's on, no problem. Oh, no, it pops. Five seconds in.

When it's fucking misogyny after dark over here, slow climb, slow, weasy climbed at the top of 1,000 mountain. Once we get that going, we might have to, we might have to settle for, I will not settle for 900. We will not get going. Oh, that's it. Already, the soft bigotry of Spencer's Lord Expeation. men's rights after dark that's right yep you know it's really it's the only safe it's the only safe space for me now the twitter space unless they want to cancel me for my fuzzy bath

once again i'm seeing a crying emojis in the chat uh soon as jordan peterson way and then once again people not not listening to forecast after dark live are silencing white males as so many parts of the world are that's why they won't let me on twitter I'm simply too powerful That dude really said That dude really said I think you should clean your room And like 10,000 dudes were like

What? What? Did he say that or did he say you should tell your mom to clean your room? We're being discriminated against You should tell your mother to clean your room. Are we there? We did. Come on, let's let's let's let's let's let's let's all right.

Yeah, we'll go ahead Oh, roll. Once the social media cancel culture We're being shadow band I think is what's happening You see males have an apparent need To dominate social media That is true

Also I can't do math You know what it is How can we talk over Holly if she's not here? Correct, correct We can do this now by the way If you think about it right now We are talking over every woman on earth Technically

Fuck. Fuck. After dark. We are here to recap the week that was in college football as best we can. That will include my assertion that I watched the most dog shit loss for a dog shit team this year today. Today, I don't think everyone's going to agree with me because I think they have another dog shit team they want to mention. and I want to go ahead and introduce everyone here. I'm Spencer Hall at ADSBS.

You're listening to me talking with Jason Kirk and with Ryan Nanny, a.k.a. Celebrity Hot Tub. We are going to try to get through all of this. I see in the chat, by the way, listening all the way from beautiful Australia. Jane Koston shouts out to Jane for listening from the literally the other side of the world and good morning to you or should i say good day can i just point out uh jay arnold texasian i'm aggie is just hammering the tear emojis there's surely a reason for that it probably probably goes along spencer with the dog shit loss you were referring to jay jay j was at the ls u

old miss game doing chewyes today with action cookbooks so he had a fine time as a and m days go his was fine he had the best day of any aggie that is for certain that's right that's right i've always appreciated when aggies go to lSU for a tailgate because i have to imagine it's like showing up with the lost boys for the first time right when you roll with peter pan it's like oh my god they never go to bed there are no soldiers here I'm allowed to untuck my shirt I'm allowed to untuck my shirt Untuck my shirt Pour beer down my pants

And then drink my pants Their hair's not combed Yeah This bunch of freaking hippies here in Louisiana That's it Yeah that guy That guy only has one gun as a sidearm That's amazing

Here I am in the liberal utopia of Louisiana Now hold on that That's his cooking gun Be nice That's how I light my cigar. All right. So you want to talk about A&M, South Carolina. God, I do want to talk about A&S South Carolina.

The first ever victory for the Gamecocks in this trophy rivalry, I believe. The lesson is that yes, in the cross, this is again, everything we say today is going to lead back to LSU is somehow doing things right and being competent because they defeated their cross-divisional rivalry rival as billy go mila pointed out okay i mispronounce his name again i'm very sorry bill but i'm very excited about how bad your rival is um that would be texas a and m who's in the same division but lost to their cross-divisional rival okay because lsu defeated florida earlier this season handily um y'all play south carolina as your cross-divisional rival and low did we mock this The essential Kenny Hill, Kenny the Thrill Hill game between Texas A&M and South Carolina.

And yet, and yet, what does A&M do? But immediately face plant when they enter this game, going down 17 to 3, mounting a valiant comeback, and then getting stomped out, getting absolutely matched out on the last two drives by five and two South Carolina. capitalism is a lie. And I'm not going to tell that to you for reasons that there's a better system. I don't have any alternatives. But I do know this. Jimbo Fisher makes the money whether they suck or not and they suck. They suck so bad. The incentives have failed. The budgets have crashed. I have nothing to tell you other than you have in year five, $95 million going to a dude who is coaching you into being Marshall. That's what you're facing. Hey, hey, hey, Marshall be Notre Dame. Settle that. Settle down. also beat James Madison and I don't think A&M can do that. I don't think they could. Didn't Jamie you beat App State?

Right there we have a transitive path that A&M cannot travel. And at the time we were like, oh, that's App State. That's, you know, that's like perpetual Cinderella, right? That's Little Glass Joe coming out of the South Carolina is like the anti-Apt state.

South Carolina is the app state you're always supposed to beat. Man, man, South Carolina is crap state. You lost a bill. And you know who you don't want to see coming down the sidewalk when you just left the bar with $500 in cash and no ability to defend yourself after 12 drinks? That's right. Shane Beamer, Big Shane needs your money. Big Shane's going to take it.

Shane Beamer is like, they pay me $60 grand a year, but they let me carry nunchucks. That's why I'm at South Carolina for life, brother. The world. I like that he appears genuinely stunned every time they win Like he goes out and he's like I love these kids so much Oh my God Oh my God

We fucking Yes it is a very it is a very like we just hit a buzzer beater in March madness I don't know how we beat Duke But you know I'm just glad to be here To be fair This one did Have more drama than it really needed to

Sure It was clear for like an hour South Carolina was going to win And it came down Count to, you know, Carolina had a nine point lead. A&M hits the field goal with 17 seconds to go and then gets the onside kick. And then this is the part of this game that struck me the most with 10 seconds to go attempted the 50-ish yard Hail Mary. Quarterback didn't appear capable of throwing it that far, which is fine, no shame there. But shouldn't you know that and use some of those 10 seconds to get within his range?

Nope. It was the weirdest shit I've ever seen. You hired this coach because he's good at thinking up football plays. Well, well, he makes $95 million when you don't. Jason, so who's right? So the market is, I think the invisible hand has clapped itself firmly to Jimbo's back. Not yours, friend. The invisible hand swatted that ball out of the sky well before the goal line.

So this drops A&M to what, three and four now? Yep. Okay. So I looked, all three of us, all three of us look at their schedule. I didn't even, this, you guys get to the schedule. Oh, it's bad. This is what I looked at. The last time A&M was below 500 in October.

Ryan Tannahill was a freshman on the team. It was 2008. A freshman wide receiver. That's how long ago that was. A&M joined the brand new Big 12 in 1996. And since then, this is the number of years in which they have three or fewer losses. Three losses is not necessarily an amazing season, but it's pretty good. They've done that three times. In that same time span, Wazoo has done it five times. This, I mean, like every, every mean

thing we say about Texas is probably actually about Texas A&M, the more that I think about it. Or at least both. Yes, it's not not about A&M. That's what it is. by the way in the chat j arnold a nm crad and former player for a and m absolutely fucking hammering the crying emojis like he's just hitting them over and it's all i see on the screen it's huge he's also commented ain't going to allow i'm getting cooked like like a m m in 2022 is like meeting somebody who is somehow currently the CEO of blockbuster video it's like you've lost the world's left you behind So long ago. Why are you still doing this? Like, but you own Blockbuster and you owe all the fees that haven't been paid. Yes. But you also want to brag about-Gimbo's contract.

But you also want to brag about being Blockbuster and how awesome that is? You don't know this, but Blockbuster won the video rental championship in 1915. That's a lot more recent than A&M's most recent title. It is more recent. Oh, 1915? Is that what you said? Excuse me. All right.

Excuse me. That is the correct error. Yeah, I also have more stats for you, more records for information from Bruce Feldman. A&M has lost its last four games against unranked FBS opponents. Oh, Jesus. Well, no, no, we got more death spiral narrative coming here. And Jimbo Fisher is two and six in the Aggies' last eight against FBS competition. They're also last, they're also last in the SEC and scoring.

This is more from Bruce. And number 111 entering today, they've gone nine games. against FBS opponents without scoring more than 24 points. Tomorrow it'll mark more than a year since A&M scored more than that in a game. This is A&M is if NC State knew how to coordinate her and he costs $95 million. A&M is if NC State knew how to, knew how to press a pair of pants and had a really cool dog. That's it. Jesus, right.

A&M is just beveled cow. Oh, my God. I thought I was being mean. Good God. It's bad. All right. So do the schedule thing. Do the schedule thing.

You know the but Nebraska that stays up late. Schedule thing. How are you corny Nebraska? That's their whole thing. I maintain those jokes of good. Like, I like that they do basic vaudeville jokes. at midnight yell that are so bad like you know how dumb

an LSU tiger is how dumb are they someone drove up in a car and the tiger was like what's wrong with your horse woo gigas but like with like random pauses between like every eight words

saw a car or whatever and it's what's fucked about it is it's like these jokes didn't make haven't made you good in the last 30 years why are we sticking to this. I think the jokes

just keep getting older to try to go back to that 1915 era. All right. We're going to do these in Gaelic to see if they can take, maybe. Schedule schedule walk up next. Give me a W or an L. O'Miss.

I will say that's an L. 3 and 5. All right, you two are biased on this one, but they're going to play the Florida Gators. Every Florida game feels like a coin flip, so I don't Spencer, do you want to take win or loss and I'll take the other one? It's possible Spencer's frozen.

I think Spencer's frozen, although he does look like he's just contemplating his thumb right. Contemplating the Agnes. All right, so it's just the Jason. All right, so if it's up to me, I'll be the optimist and I'll say Florida wins. Florida wins. Okay. All right. At Auburn.

I will give that one to A&M. And Spencer's gone. Fantastic. Spencer's gone, but still in the space. If you all can hear him on the space, drop. Oh, he's definitely talking on the space, isn't he? We can't hear him on the Zoom. That's amazing.

Oh, fuck. Technology. All right. Up next for A&M we have UMass. I have to give that to Ann. If they lose to UMass, like, at that point, the global economy should intentionally collapse, so that Jimbo's buyout means nothing. I wonder, like, does UMass even have enough money to pay Jimbo? Like, literally the university?

No. Not the football program. Like endowments and shit. No. All right. So it all comes down to this rivalry week two days after Thanksgiving, Texas A&M versus LSU. So the only reason I'm going to say A&M wins is because that's not what's supposed to happen. So I'll give A&M that win.

All right. So A&M has just punched their ticket. Lurched to six bowl eligible. Print the shirts. To be tweeted about by the bowl season account. A&M has secured a trip to the Independence Bowl or thereof. in a year in which they started number six in the country with the number one recruiting class

with, hey, Spencer's back on the Zoom, with Jimbo as like Sabin's kryptonite nemesis was the storyline. Gosh, that was a long time ago. Yep. And rampantly cheating, allegedly. Rampedly cheating. Mm-hmm.

To go three and four. Cheating for what? She's not, y'all. Spencer's back on the Zoom. I'm back, and I got more to say. Oh. man. Hi. So Spencer, we went through the schedule. I generously gave them six and six and they'll make bowl eligibility. Oh, did you say they'd beat Florida? No, I said Florida would win, but I said they'd

beat LSU because that game won't happen the way it's supposed to happen. Oh, I don't see any chance of that happening. I'm going to go ahead. Let's put a bit five and seven. I love it. All right. I love it. Here's the fucked up thing. Even if we are completely wrong and they run, they run through the the schedule, it's still a complete failure of a season. Yeah. It's still a four-loss season where you, like, won't finish, I don't know, you'll maybe finish third in the division at that point. It's, oh, well, you hate to say it.

Thank God, thank God, thank God for Auburn, though, right? Thank God for all for all for God. Said very few people ever. Otherwise, you'd be the only tire fire around. I already tweeted about this, but I'll bring it up briefly. Today, Bo Nix threw as many touchdowns as Auburn has thrown all season. Five. They need him back.

He looks so much happier out there. I hope he embraced everything about the Oregon lifestyle. I hope he's like, yeah, I've got to go parasail while I'm high on an edible. He does be good. He's lost all trace of his accent. He's driving an outback around. He's feeling good about vibes. He's like, yeah, you know, my girlfriend got me into crystals.

It's cool. like he's yeah i miss chick-fil-a for like 48 hours and then just kind of forgot about it yeah you know like it's not that good it's crazy he's like you know what i like my tea just you know like tea man i don't need to put a whole lot of sugar in yeah i don't it's crazy i love you i don't need a candy bar in my tea anymore what's wrong with you which was playing the weirdest football anyone's ever seen. Playing the weirdest football consistently. Did you all watch the Oregon UCLA game?

I watched the pull away. I watched Oregon hit the Jets on UCLA. Bonex looked fucking amazing in that game. He looked great. Like his decision making was great. It was like he would take the ball and it was like step, step, step ball out. Step, step step. Like he hit deep passes.

he ran the ball like smartly and intentionally Ponex was a fucking killer in this game. No trace of any of the like I think what happened in Georgia was that was him like puking all the Auburn out of his system

like that was the detox of the all the Auburn that was left. The purge. Yes. I'm looking at his past his career passer rating by a year. Yeah. 125, 123, 130, 157. Yes, yes.

like he's having a great time the the georgia game was what it was but everything like and he's had some weird moments since then as well but this game specifically he was lights fucking out it was it was really fun to watch honestly both of these teams but like there was one punt in this game and organ was the one that had it it it is maybe this is why this is this is basically why every qb should transfer once so i've already but i've already fucked up the order and i'm sorry because we said we were were going to do this. All right. So let's go back on the schedule. Remind me where A&M has its wins already. So let's see. They did beat Miami, right? Let's talk. Let's talk about Miami. They'd be in Arkansas. Yeah, because remember. Sam Houston. Sam Houston is trying very hard and Arkansas is going through it and needs some space. Yeah, yeah. But what about Miami? Miami? I would like, what, did anybody, anybody have any information on what they did today? I don't know. You see, I can check this here at score.

Well, the school of turnover chain fame coughed it up eight times after we're retiring the turnover chain. Okay, but they were probably playing like Clemson or somebody with like ridiculous defense, right? I have an answer. Yeah? They were playing fucking Duke.

Duke's starting QB had 136 yards of total passing. Oh, but maybe they ran for like 500. No, just a tiny 200, respectable. Surely all these turnovers, all it did was like it made it so like Duke's like squeaked out a bullshit victory, right? It was 45, 21, Jason. Do you know, so that's a margin of 24. Do you know how many points Duke scored off turnovers? How many?

24 points hit the number on the goddamn head this box score is in prime oh this is they turned the they gave it the Ocho

they got the full Ocho like Miami Miami A&M was a ranked ranked matchup at the time and there was like some heat some some heat on it

and man that was stupid and man Miami sure did lose it this may be this is a worse loss than the MTSU loss I can't believe I'm I don't know about that have you seen have you seen what MTSU has done since then they've been fine don't look MTSU has never been fine for the record MTSU since beating Miami and going on every television and radio program they could to brag about it

Lost to UTSA by 15, lost to UAB by 27, and lost to Western Kentucky by 18. These are all better teams of Miami, so I don't think of the problem. That's true. The difficulty is they are working their way through the mortal combat ladder. Miami was an easy fatality victory. Except they keep working their way down on the mortal combat ladder. I think they've proved their point, is the thing. We've said enough.

our point is that we are not good at football we would like to stop proving this point we are better than miami at football i i'm just thankful as i'm thankful as a florida fan that miami exists so you're like god look at those guys geez yeah florida and miami fans are really locked in a like that fucking idiot and and just like one-upping each other very carefully as the season goes on and they both they both still have to play florida state which is also going to be fun yeah all also like we have to play georgia so i'm going to get in these eight turnovers before next weekend oh yeah that's fine that's fine before anthony richardson throws 10 picks in a game i don't listen i know that you and i approach this differently and we're this is florida didn't even play

today so we're not going to talk about this long is there anything that could happen in the florida georgia game that would make you mad that would make you like oh right right you know why Because George is not fucking Duke. You gave this is, do you want to know like seriously, you gave Duke on the football field what Duke gives its graduates in real life? Eight turnovers to start.

That's what you get, right? Like, I got that prime consultancy. That's eight turnovers. I saw, I want to get this right because it's just stupid. All right.

This is from our friend Lieutenant Winslow on Twitter. Six of Duke's 15 possessions today started inside the Miami 30. I think the reason is that's not more than that is because like two of the turnovers were like pick six so technically wasn't a position, do they? Y'all are playing fucking half-court basketball.

Oh, man, man. So as of now, three times in five seasons, Miami has started ranked and finished unranked. I'm going to go ahead and aggressively. I'm going to go ahead and count. this year on that list i think that's um that is difficult to do because you have to be both bad while people making people think you're good right it's a it's a tricky balance to pull off there's only a few schools that can do it um Miami is a high on that list here is the thing that might be

unique i this cannot possibly have happened many times in college football history Miami has started ranked finished unranked three times in five years with three different head coaches that's tough to do they're going to fix it's fine this will fix it this will be the one This is the one who will make it stop. This is the one. Let's play the schedule game with the game. This remaining schedule. Okay, I'll call them out and you guys give me winner loss.

Next week, Virginia. Loss. Virginia posted the first funny victory Photoshop I have seen in like a year. Just a really, really low effort. Much like their game. Like a second life screen cap of like somebody. spraying a it looks like a hornet's nest or something

like it's not it's not it doesn't appear to me to be a yellow jacket's nest but the point was made it is an excellent graphic unironically loved it looking forward to another one about them like spraying a hurricane with the exact same bottle right yes

okay Florida State gloss Georgia Tech win oh all right Clemson. Oh, sorry, lost. Lost.

It was like, it was. How in Fattenant? It was sort of like, I was like, surely I've already said lost by now. And last, finishing the season, hosting reigning a season champion, Pittsburgh. Pat and Arduzzi hates his team, so loss. Yeah, I'm going to go win. I'm going to go, no, I'll flip it because of his pit. I'll give him the win over Pitt.

Pits is a real, yeah. Pits a real struggle machine right now. Pits, by design. I think we have Miami not bowling, I believe. Correct. I think generously, that gave them five and seven. Oh, God, Jason. I just saw the Victory Friday.

It's awesome. It's so good. It is such shit. It's fantastic. There's no one on the field. There's no market. on the field. The field has no sensation of grass to it.

The crowd is like four rows high. What stadium is this? There's an expanse of grass behind the crowd and then there's a building of some sort. And then there's like a roof that the insect nest is hanging from. It's awesome.

Or it's freestanding. I don't know which one. Floating. Floating? Yeah. Yeah. It's just floating and he appears to be without great energy or enthusiasm. spraying, anti-yellow jacket spray on this alien pod. It's very Friday, like, ACC levels up.

Just like, fuck that thing. Fuck that particular thing. I hope the ACC's social media people are just issuing memos all around being like, shittier, worse. Do more of this. Do more of this. Be like Virginia. The worst part was when you do something like this, and we have another record,

we're going to talk about, I think. But when you turn the ball over eight times in a game, which is just fucking hard. Like, it's really fucking hard to do that. Everybody goes scurrying to football reference or whatever to sort of say, like, when is the last time this happened? And you end up getting polls about, like, the last time this happened, it was Nebraska and a loss to Iowa State where neither team scored more than 10 points. Congratulations, Miami.

You had a great day. Oh, yeah. I remember that game. Yeah. thank you to by the way thank you to who is this pro boma at broboma who has made a gift of j arnold repeatedly hitting the sad gesture in the comments it's spamming the tears it's also really unfortunate that like look miami you're playing duke at home Duke now has a winning streak over Miami in South Florida. Holy shit, but you get the idea.

Yeah, wherever they are. So that's unfortunate on the highway exit where the stadium lives. But this is supposed to be a lay-low week where it's just like, I don't know, Miami beats Duke by 10 and nobody really pays attention, you know, whatever. But instead, you did this at the same time that the school your coach just left, fucking hammered UCLA. and not just hammered use i mean it was a close it was a 15 point game and ucla played well but oregon did this in such a like smooth and well executed and like combination of coaches putting players in position to succeed and meanwhile mario christobal after his team turns the ball over eight times to lose to duke by 24 is like if people don't want to play hard here they should get

out. Uh-huh. Immediately, like if you have the eight turnover game, just be like, guys, this is fluky and weird and bad, but it's not going to happen every week.

Don't, that's the excuse not, don't throw the players under the bus when that's right there. You don't have to go in and say, hey, about the eight turnovers. It's like the night when dad burns dinner, orders,

and orders pizza and it takes 90 minutes because you ordered from the dumb pizza place. Not the place that you know will get it there in 35 minutes. No, no. You don't talk about that because everyone is so incensed, enraged, and tired. You eat dinner

at 945, you don't yawn. You're not tired. You're proud of your dad. No. And everyone's like, dad. Night was real fucked up. But we're not going to talk about it. We got pizza. That's the other thing is that in that scenario, you get pizza, and in this scenario, you lose to Duke by 24.

Miami got no pizza whatsoever. Duke stole your pizza. I'd much rather have late pizza than a loss to Duke. That's when the delivery man shows up and robs your house. Eight times! Eight times! Surely he won't be back to seven. The delivery man is circling the block.

You're peeking up. You get the lights turned off. You're peeking out through the blinds. Oh, fuck. He's like, hey, man, my car, I only have a civic here, so I can't hold that much. But I'm going to be back, just to be clear. I'll be back for more of your pizza. Yeah.

You owe me pizza. You come to my house. Also, I need you to bring that flat screen because it won't fit in the civic. I'll be back in 30 minutes, so start cooking. Man. Yeah, this was a day of dark comedy. This was basically, like, a grim day of dark comedies. I would like to share some of my favorites with you.

Your guesses don't count, but I'm going to make you do it anyway. Eight first downs. Yes. One of 13 on third down. Oh, I know this one. I needed the second. Sing along. Sing along if you know it, folks.

Are we adding in six turnovers as well? You should. You should. Because we were describing our beloved Iowa Hawkeyes, God, the darkest comedy of all. I want to point something out about their performance against Ohio State, all right? Because of that outpouring of turnovers, they basically did a Miami's worth of turnovers without doing a Miami's worth of offense. Ohio State had scoring drives of 24 yards, 17 yards, 15 yards, 15 yards,

four yards, one yard, and a pick six. People have joked all year about, like, whether Iowa should just punt on first down, whether they'd be better off punting on first down. This is the game where I think that was literally true. Like, imagine Iowa's six turnovers that they accumulated by attempting to offense and replace those with punts by their really good punter, Tori Taylor. That's, like, 300 yards that they squandered by attempting to do offense.

like Ohio State would have had to try to score points. And like Ohio State didn't have some amazing day of offense. Like Iowa's defense, relatively speaking, played its ass off. They held Ohio State well below their season average yards per play. They got Iowa the lead briefly in this game. They scored. That happened. They scored far more points than Iowa's offense did.

Yeah, I am sincerely convinced that if Iowa had punted on every first down, they would have given up fewer points and they would have scored. more points because their actual touchdown unit would have been on the field. This, this, like, it feels like I've said this every week, but this was the most Iowa game, because this was the game where it was true. They should have just punted every time they touched the ball. Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, the camera people are now onto it. They're onto the Brian Farrant's thing because they had a camera trained on Brian Farrant's the entire game. And every time they did something bad, Brian Farrant's on cue, a sucker. Don't, don't even take the bait would express emotion. And that's not, don't do that. We know, dude, you know they have a camera on you. It's only going to get worse.

What could he do, though? What's the cool thing Brian Ferenz could do? Big thumbs up. Big thumbs up. Like, like, cartoonish, positivity, a lot of clapping, right? Yeah, yeah. I think you should just keep putting on more sunglasses, like, keep like stacking them on top of each other it's a good bit what a fucking cool

guys where this in nothing phases brian ferrence he's got 18 pairs of sunglasses falling off his head he's not worried you know what some absolute football guy moron's gonna love that though he'll be like that's so cool that projects confidence that's right this team hasn't given up on him look at all those sunglasses fear lives in the eyes and you can't even tell he has him because he's got all the sunglasses on his his futures so bright his sunglasses and his sunglasses that is look at that

that guy's unfazed that's the guy I won't running my offense like seriously Pat Narduzzi would see that and he would absolutely be like Vince McMahon in the like hot father he'd fall over in his chair I just all the all the answers that

Gary Barda and Kirk Farrant's give like they're all the same they're all just like, well, I don't know if you know this, but we've had a good football team in the past, and we'll evaluate everybody when the season is done. It's just like, they should just hand out cards. They should just be like, whatever you're, these are the three possible answers to your questions. Yeah, that's it. We'll just skip it.

Recept the creed. Like, yeah, like they should just say, like, the whole coaching staff is coming back next year. Yes. So what are, why are we doing this? Right. We're all related to each other and no one is leaving this. family you will watch this shit again next year everyone knows it i don't care that your brother is farting in bed all day you will love him you you will hug your brother good night you don't

care how much i don't care how many times he has failed to punt this big stinky house is our house and it's not going to get to smell it any better anytime soon uh have you thought about opening window absolutely not no absolutely not that's how often gets in. Like, they are, they're the most, seriously, they're the most like, fuck you, we are getting to retirement duo I have ever seen in my life. That is the entire point. In case you read your life.

I have taught French at this high school for 18 years and I only have two more to go. And I don't give a fuck if you pass the AP. I don't give a fuck at all. Hey, that bank over there is being robbed, lieutenant. Do you think you, nope, retiring in a day. I've seen that movie. Not doing it. no it's too many yards away

speaking of those Iowa was already last in the country in those and then today it got worse and they still have to play Purdue, Wisconsin, and Minnesota if they finish last and total yardage dumb stat but it very much supplies here the only power five teams to finish last

and total yards in the past 15 years were 2016 Rutgers and the Wake Forest team that was in the Frank Beamer Zero Zero meme that's your company Iowa Jason, I want you to do me a favor and look up something live for me. Go to Spencer, go find on CFB reference, Spencer Petrus's first start as an Iowa quarterback. I think it's in 2020 or so. He's been there a long time.

He started a lot of games. But I want you to read off his stat line from his first start. Well, in that particular game, 2018, there was an attempt, not a completion. No, no, that's not his first start. Like, go to the first game, yeah, the first game where you can tell, like, oh, he was the starter. He threw a lot of, he threw a lot of passes, yeah. Okay. Is it not in 2019?

It might be 2019. I don't know. I'm going to look this up at CFB stats. Is that where you told me to go? Either one works. So Alex Padilla is the backup to Spencer Petrus. And when he came in in the second half, he threw a pick. Yeah.

Yeah, first, first. The system works. The system works. He came in and immediately gunned to pick. Okay, I'm ready now, Rayne. Okay. It looks like in the first start, it was 39 attempts. Yep.

Followed by a game with 50 attempts. Okay. And in that first start, that's a Purdue game, right? Yes. How many yards does he throw for? 265. Do you think he will ever come close to that in the rest of his Iowa career? because his yards this year are, not including this game, 109, 92, 175, 148, 246 against Michigan, almost all of which came late, and 170 against Illinois.

That's his career high. So what I'm seeing here is, you know, every year in the NFL, there's like week 13. We look up like that, that guy? Yes. He's going to be the quarterback of the Ravens once Lamar Johnson. Jackson, Leaves for his rightful home in Atlanta. Spencer Petra's is going to start, like, what, 28 games, 30 games for Iowa? And his yard-a-tie, the way things are going, is going to be his first start against Purdue in 2020.

So one might say he was getting worse with continued exposure. It's like if a quarterback had a half-life. Honestly, yeah, he's devolving. He's decaying over time. A Half-Life, which is you can continually get closer and closer and closer to the goal line, but never actually cross it. But never reach it, correct. Yeah. Now, that said, if we're going to play the schedule game, God, we don't have to.

You don't have to do anything. But if one so chooses, the pickings for the next month of Iowa football are, I mean, just to start with next week. Iowa Northwestern, nobody wants this. No, no. Like, nobody wants this. No, no, thank you. I, I really can't think of a, of a Power 5 matchup that nobody wants less than this. I think that's probably right.

I would have said Indiana, I would have said Indiana Ruckers, but Ruckers just won a home conference game for the first time in like three years. Iowa, Indiana. Iowa, Indiana, Indiana, I might want less, but I, it's about the same. It's a push. I'm glad Indiana is not on this list. I have to admit, my compulsion to watch this Iowa offense is approaching a kink that I don't like talking about in public. Welcome aboard.

It's so close to that. It is, it is, there was a moment earlier today where I left the room, came back in and saw Iowa's predicament on offense. And I said, what the fuck? Like, how did they end up here? They were on their own, like, inside their own one. And then a false start happened. And Joel Klatt says, they need to get some yours. yardage so they can punt they were running the qb sneak like out of the end zone like just go

just get away clatt was concerned they wouldn't have like that was that was the goal for the offense right it's just to clear some space for the punter um and before that when iowa's defense scored a touchdown clatt said well they knew they had to because the offense wasn't going to i wanted i want to i want to fucking rocks it's awesome tv yeah i don't know it one point, I'm like, I don't know, I'm getting horned up watching this. This is weird. They have scored, in conference play, they've scored 57 points.

Well, I mean, it's still September, so that's not too terrible. Oh, shit, it's not. Dude, if they score 50 on Northwestern next week, I am going to die last week. Unleash! Hell! Spencer Petrus just

dropping nooks. Just sitting there like, at last! Let the big dog roam. Yeah. Let the big dog run. All right. Let's talk about the LSU Old Miss game. Because this was, even though this was a week of good bloody comedy, most of it was, I would say, inconsequential.

It was like a team that was sort of teetering on the like, is this going to be an okay season or a bad season falling into bad? Or it was a team, or it was, you know, like here are two good teams. one of them has to lose. Or it's like Syracuse is flying really high, let's see how high. Yes, right. The second half is that series game, but that's a whole separate thing. But Ole Miss LSU, like, that's the biggest head that was taken on this day, right? Yeah.

I think relatively. And here is the thing I think you need to know. In the second half of this game, LSU averaged seven and a half yards on first down. And there is no, like, oh, there was that one first down where they ran for a 78-year touchdown. The longest game they had was 17 yards. They just absolutely chewed through the Ole Miss defense, which was playing with a lead to start this game. I think the lead at one point was 17 to 3 or something. And I went back and looked, and I was like, okay, how many times, like, Old Miss has had nice success under Lane Kiffin,

but it feels like it falls into a pattern. or one of two patterns pattern one is old miss gets out to a huge lead and just boat races you the whole way seen that that happens pattern two is old miss

runs out to a huge lead other team comes back and then it's sort of back and forth but old miss sort of still pulls it out so I was like all right how many times has old miss fallen behind in the second half by multiple scores and won a game and it's only happened twice and they were both in 2020.

They fell behind to Kentucky by 14 in the second half, and they won that game. I think they won that game in overtime after Kentucky missed an extra point, if memory serves. And South Carolina, the same year, they did it. But other than that, like, this is not a gear that Old Miss has shown so far. It's like they can put you up against the wall. They can put you in a bad spot.

if you do that to them they're probably going to lose the game they have they don't really have the flex to to go down and turn it around from there part of that is that like they do the lane kiffin thing where they're like well okay it's all fourth downs now it's oops all fourth downs and when it works it's really fun and you're like oh shit maybe they're going to beat Alabama. And when it doesn't work, it's like, oh, fuck, Ellis, you just got to pull on their own 40. Oh, Jesus Christ. And that's how you end up getting your ass kicked. You know, like real, yeah, and also a real simple answer for how LSU is doing things. They don't make a whole lot of mistakes. They don't ask a whole lot of Jane Daniels as a passer, like in terms of doing anything

super fancy downfield. And they're real good on first down. If you go, if you get five or if you get anywhere from three to five yards on first down and you have an offense where you're just like, like hey listen we're going to keep it tidy that's keeping it tidy you're going to be able to put a lot of defenses in a really uncomfortable position if you're productive on first down and the way they do that they figured out real easy hey nobody seems to really want to defend jade and daniels like that numbers in the box thing he had 120 he did he read the ball 23 times today i was like he ran the ball a lot we ran it 23 times like he's just had a really really neat year i am I regret to inform that if you just become a pretty competent team that does not turn the ball over a lot and does well on first down,

you're going to beat teams that make mistakes like Ole Miss or a bad in the red zone like old miss. If you simply turn it over fewer than eight times, you'll probably win some months of games. Yeah. Yeah. What number would you say is like mandatory to avoid losing? I'm going to start at eight. I'm going to start there if I don't want to lose by 24 to Duke Like and if you go back and look at the schedule You can be like okay there are signs of this

Like Ole Miss only beat Tulsa by eight And they only beat Kentucky by three And they probably should have lost like Kentucky Kentucky had to fuck that game up multiple times to lose that They were losing to Vanderbilt at the half They only beat Auburn by 14 Which in some years is fine but this is not one of them also also they've been planning around jackson dart they haven't

really been building on jackson dart they've kind of been building around him and like trying to when you get a game where he has to pass you back into contention that's not a good look for them no no it's just it it just it remains surprising that like they could jump out to the lead that they did where it was like it all set up perfectly they score a touchdown they hold lSU to a field goal. They score another touchdown. They hold LSU to a field goal attempt. They don't even make it.

They score another field goal. Okay, it's 173. We're cruising. And then you only score three. You get outscored 42 to three, the rest of the fucking way? Yeah. Boy. Yeah.

That's rough. I apologize. I know that I recently said that Old Miss was one of the most stable commodities in the SEC, and I feel like I had a hand of this, and I'm sorry. Oh, fuck. I almost forgot. Holly had a question. This is good because it'll give us an excuse to go back to A&M.

Okay, either of you can answer this. Do you think Shane Beamer would have a competitive South Carolina program against Jimbo Fisher without Will MustChamp's players? That's so damning for Jimbo. That's so damning. That's so brutal. Oh, my God. And to tie him here.

Yep, Ole Miss A&M sure is the next game for each of these teams. I'm sure everyone's going to feel great about it. I'm sure everyone's going to go into it with a real positive attitude and feel very excited about the outcome no matter what. Oh, God. This was a grim day. God damn. This one was particularly. For a few teams.

Yeah. For a few teams. Minnesota didn't have a fun day. No, Minnesota did not have a fun day. Frankly, I don't think Clemson had a real fun. one day. I don't think that was fun. I know that Syracuse spit the bit in the second half, but like, they benched, they finally took the opportunity to bench DJ O'Yongolalele in favor of highly touted five-star, uh, Kade Klubnick. Kade Klubnik, who as a, the most, the most video game protagonist's name I've ever heard, other than Jackson Dart. Those are the two most video game protagonists. name as possible. Cade Clubnick, it is New York City in 24

to 8. Police will not help you. Cade, punch your way out of Crime City. And he did. He did. He punched his way out of... Listen, he didn't throw the ball

directly to a safety taking midfield right, on a wildly overthrowing post route. That's really, that's what he didn't do. He didn't do. He did. Clubnik punched his way out of And he took a late hit out of bounds on like third and 21 that kept, that basically turned the game. Like, I don't know, maybe Clemson wins this game either way, but that was the moment it felt like, oh, no, oh, Clemson. Syracuse really just stepped in it.

Hey, listen, you don't get to where Syracuse was without aggression. You don't get aggression without being stupid. y'all making a defense is like a college student making a cocktail you can either get too much mixer or too much alcohol but you're never going to get the right amount of both so you might as well take too much booze okay yeah yeah yeah that's true just be listen what what did they get by being this stupid and aggressive they got to they got to being undefeated they lost to clemson because they're stupid and aggressive you know what stupid is their strength they need to stay with it just stay just keep keep doing that Smack people out of bounds. It got you to six and one. This is the best graduation speech I've ever heard. Yeah. Stay stupid, grads.

All you got to stay just dumb ass. And then you heard what Dabo said after the game, right? Because, of course, the first question is like, oh, well, you know, who's your starter since you pulled this guy and the other guy came in and Kate Klobnik came in and won the game? No, DJ's the guy. DJ's the guy. No dispute here. No issue here.

So we're going to get at least one more of these games on Clemson's inevitable path to a playoff spot that pisses everyone who's not a Clemson fan off. Probably most Clemson fans, honestly. Like they're going to be really jazzed about their number four ranking and getting to play Georgia or Ohio State. Yeah. We all know what's going to happen. Yeah.

Clemson fans don't want to see that. Yeah. We're going to get like a 24-7 loss for Clemson in the playoffs. Yes, that's the exact number. Yes, yeah. Yeah. We'll be like, wow, that defense played well. It's like, looking at this team, it was 10-7-and-half, bro.

It was 10-7-and-half. Anyone's game? It is zero-doubt. This is a, if there are 10 tiers of teams, it is zero-doubt. This is near the top of the second tier, right? Sure. But it's also really bad. That's Clemson.

It is, yeah. It is, it is, they're the number four seed in the playoff. They might as well just drive there right now. And they're kind of bad. Well, especially like you look, I mean, maybe this is wrong now, but you look at who's left. Notre Dame Louisville, Miami, South Carolina. I mean, South Carolina is the tough game. That's the hard game.

Sure. You're big Shane coming around the corner. And then, you know, then the UNC random result generator in the conference title game. But that's it. Like, you beat Shane Beamer and you're in the playoff despite sucking. And that's why A&M's not going. That's the answer. Shane!

Big Shane coming around with the fight. Shane. Every line of dialogue in that movie is just saying the name of the movie, sadly. Yeah. Speaking of Westerns, I would like to turn to, a shout out to our two Division I conferences in this space tonight, Southland and the big sky, of course. Bring my big sky hoodie. Here's a big sky report for you, okay?

Every college football weekend, some shit happens that seems like, in the moment it feels like the weirdest thing in the world, right? Some team forgets how to call timeouts or forgets how to pass or, you know, real dumb shit happens. Clemson did have a delay of game on an extra point today, which was fun. Anyway, please go. For instance, for instance, there we go. In the moment that felt like,

look at you talking about little old Clemson there, Ryan. We're not too good at, we're not too good. fancy city stuff like math but even that wasn't as dumb as when early in the south carolina game jimbo had what he thought was a fourth and one that he was going to go for but then it turned out that the spot wasn't as favorable as he hoped and it was fourth and two so he called the time out so he could kick the ball instead oh my god i didn't even see that because that's completely different it's completely different we're not ready for that i had one one play dropped off the play just stops at one yard there's no way and cost that. I got a 70 million paid playbook. We got all sorts

plays for a one yard, two yards. I only make $9,500,000 million dollars. You expect me to gain two yards? You're going to have to pay me $7 billion to get two. I'm sorry the market is spoken and the rate is the rate. So, also we're going to have to call time out. So today in the Big Sky Conference, some shit happened. You know, you're running the middle weird college football shit it's great it's wonderful this was one of the weirdest things in college football history and that i realized that is saying a lot but it just was um weaver state fcs number five montana state number three national title worthy game even by big sky standards uh it's great game um the bobcats won 43 38 they won because the exact same bad thing happened

four times a snap sailed past the punter and into the end zone and usually out of it. Um, the all NCAA record for safeties in a season is five. Montana State scored four in one game, a new D1 single game record. Um, the last one was my favorite for the record. Yes. The last one had some like, some like bounces and dribbles to it. And do you feel like you're watching the same play over and over? Like, do you feel like, wait a second, you only got, you only show any one? So the last one stands out because the first three are all very similar. it's like, oh, that ball's just gone. That ball's just, it's, it's, it's, it's fig jam.

It's Phil Mickelson being like, absolutely, I can hit this green and two. And it's like, oh, that's in the tent, my dude. That's 100% in the hospital. That's in a vat of cocktail weanies right now. But the last one, have you gotten to number four? Watch number four. I am watching number four right now, and the punter just boots it out of the back of the end. That's the one.

That's the one that makes it special. The punter, having seen this three times is like, fuck this. kick this away let me just help you let me just the ref won't notice if I just scoot this under the rug you know what he's thinking I can read his mind because that is one of my powers and this punter is thinking fuck I'm getting my foot on it somehow I'm a punter that's what I do yeah I put total leather I'm not I can't you can't blame me on that how did I don't know

did they have any successful punts in this game Uh, I believe so. Okay. I believe so. Don't, don't call me on that. But like, that's even, that feels even worse somehow. Like, the long snapper is like he, he was, he, uh, played all last year. He's played all this year.

Like, yeah, he's a, he's a highly competent D1 football player. And like, the coach after the game, Jay Hill was like, I mean, what in the world are you supposed to do? Like this is, you know. Yeah, this is, you don't, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, long snapper is like, it's like the secret load bearing element of every football team. Your quarterback goes down. Well, you have a backup who takes reps with him every single day, right?

If all your quarterbacks go down, you have an emergency wildcat option off. If you have a wide receiver who just, like, can't catch the ball one day. You're just like, throw somebody else. Throw somebody else. Yeah, we put five guys on the field anyway. Your long snapper goes, your long snapper has a bad day. You can't football anymore. Yes.

Even your kicker. Even if your place kicker is like fucking shanking everything, you're like, well, the punter can kick. Yeah. And there's probably a quarterback on the roster who has before, too. Or a wide receiver who could get. If something that happens to the center, you slide over a guard who has trained to be the backup center, right? But, like, this is just what the fuck are you supposed to do?

And all of these were, like, from their own, like, 15 or 20, right? It wasn't like a midfield versus, like, they could just go for it. They had to try to punt. And it also wasn't like, oh, they're snapping the ball from their own six, and they're, like, fucked. Like, they all had to be the, like, right amount of weird. weird and bad to go this way they did i looked it up they did successfully punt once which seems meaner somehow the fact that they did this once successfully and four times so unsuccessful it's just like man i just wish you i just wish i would have felt better as the punter if they had all gone

wrong because i could have just been like this was a prank just wasn't our day i was i was i was Dude, I hope that punter hit the gritty after that. Wasn't even that good. It was the 38-yard punt, but who cares? Compared to the others, it was fucking golden. The best punt of the day. So it actually gets even weirder because Montana State barely won despite those eight free points, right? Yeah.

So you might think, oh, well, because the game was close anyway, that might mean Weber gained a ton of yards. No. Montana State won the yardage battle by 100. had 1.5 more yards per play got those eight free points only turned it over once and barely won simply because most of weber's yards came on their touchdown drives they got all their yards at once but like montana state dominated the box score and got four free scores and it was still a super competitive game normal sport yeah again that's every day in the big big sky brother that's big by the way big big sky football right now you got a montana yeah another another top 10

matchup Montana Sack State going on right now um I have breaking news from Alex Hickey listening to this uh Rod Gilmore on the broadcast of uh I believe Washington Washington Cal um and uh Rod Gilmore just referenced shrooming he just referenced truming honestly I assume to Rod Gilmore that just means getting like standard white mushrooms on a pizza like that's that's living because that's really getting crazy when I feel like eating a spicy meal. I cut up one mushroom. Ooh, texture variation.

Rod is intrigued. Again, Rod Gilmore has gone from the dude that I was sometimes slightly irritated by his conservatism to being a dude who I'm like, I would take a bullet for Rod Gilmore. I hope Rod Gilmore is like the Wayne Brady character on Chappelle's show. He is. No, no, he is. That's him in real life. I just desperately want the Rod Gilmore RG3 booth.

I want that very badly. Rod Gilmore invited me to brunch, and we did five-finger filet right on the table at Cracker Mary. It was crazy. 938. Then he had decaf. Like, no, for real, for real. Like, he doesn't need the caffeine. You realized that man was doing like hard, hard crossfit workouts while he was undergoing chemo.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, Rod's about it. Yeah. Every single way. And I guarantee you, if somebody comes at him about this, is like, hey, Rod, we shouldn't mentioned shrooming on the broadcast. It'll be like, it's a legitimate therapeutic medicine.

Listen, yeah. The South Carolina A&M game had extensive discussions about corn dogs, so it's fine. Yeah. And then, oh, by the way, he kept it with little early to chase these points. Again, Rod is the fucking man. The brand is so strong. With 20 minutes to go in the game. With 20.

And they're like, when is the time, Rod? But in a game with three entire touchdowns, they're not going to be very many more. You might as well start chasing the points right now. Jason, our steadfast king, says, no, not yet. I love him. I love him. I want an announcer to be all the way normie or all the way weird. Give me Gilmore and RG3.

That's it. I have one other announcing note from today, which is that Kirk Herbstre had attempted to pick up bully, not realizing that bully is made of actual lead and is 60 pounds of. healthy American bulldog and was visibly struggling with the dog, which I don't know the last time like a whole 60 pounds of unwilling animal in your hand. It's a lot. All right. I get that. But he looks like he was going through it. He's like, do we have a table we can put this dog out? Oh, good Christ. Should we talk about Texas briefly? I mean, that might make Texas Sanem fans feel better and I don't really want to do that. I don't want to do that either. Oklahoma State's good. Well, Jay's still around, and he's been through a lot today.

Oklahoma State is good. TCU is, I have a hard time explaining how TCU is not going to go undefeated in the regular season, at least. They might lose at Texas. Maybe, but also, like, Texas has shown that no lead is unblowable. Sure. The Big 12 is awesome this year. Every game is good. Every Big 12 game is good this year.

Honestly, like, in the, honestly, behind the big. Big Sky, obviously. Sure, yeah, Brandon. Yeah, they're probably the second most entertaining conference as well as the Southland. Big Sky, Southland, Big 12, probably. Yeah, in that order, again. If, by the way, if any of those other conferences would like us to be in the running for this, they can listen to the full cast after dark live.

Also, speaking of the most entertaining team in the country, it's probably the Samford Bulldogs I've always maintained. We don't even want money. We just want you to, like, turn your Twitter on and walk away from your phone. That's it. We just want to see your logo for the validation for us. Yeah, that's it. I would also, another, what I do want to talk about, by the way, another, we talked about, you know, dark comedy today.

I have another piece of dark comedy we need to mention, which is a legitimate achievement, which is for the first time since I believe the Sylvester Krum era at Mississippi State, the Bulldogs scored against the tide. In Tuscaloosa. In Tuscaloosa. touchdown against us and how did they do it was it was it was it was it early in the game did it plant seeds of hope did it uh did it inspire the the bulldogs to believe today might be the day nope more hopeless thrashing another 59 minutes of hopeless thrashing of alabama doing nothing exotic on defense whatsoever and simply clobbering the misdate offense as they do every single time with no separation between wide receiver and defensive fact and nary a yard to gain between the tackle

for the run attack. But how did they do this, Jason? I'm so glad you asked because I would love to read the play-by-play, just to relate to you how futile this was, down 30 to nothing. Please give us a time in the game at this point? Three minutes and 50 seconds left. Will Rogers set sail on the Argonaut of Good Fortune,

the wind dark waters of the Tusculus Mediterranean. head of him like Odysseus heading towards an unfortunate and indetermined fate um what he did was then lead um a lightning strike because they needed multiple scores to even get close no no a dink and dunk a dink and dunk 15 plays 76 yard drive bringing them air so close like a cow digesting a cannon ball. Just moving furiously, nibble by nibble, right? Like a snake trying to swallow a brick. Just trying to get that thing down.

It's dry, dusty gullet. All right? But our modern day Odysseus, led by Mike Leach, calling exactly the same plays every down. Leads them. Right? Leads them all the way. down to the Alabama 4 and then Will Rogers passes with 20 seconds left and gets

pass interference that gets them to the Alabama 2 and what do they do they pass again and finally with 10 seconds left they run chokwavius marks for a TD at the buzzer at the buzzer to finally get a touchdown next score wins what fuck shit Oh, shit, shit. Who pressed that button? Yeah, they finally scored thanks to a past interference call from the four. I love this especially because this was their fourth long drive of the game. One ended on a failed conversion attempt.

One ended on a missed field goal. One ended on a failed conversion attempt. those were 13, 15, and 13 play drives. Finally, one of these grand voyages hit Patert. At last, at last, their episode of Quantum Leap ends. They return home, defeated, but home. It's not actually what happened in Quantum Leap, but I'm not explaining it. It jumps into Sebastian the Ivis's body.

Oh, boy. Oh, back, back, back, go back, back. Back! This is worse. I remember what I wanted to say about the Texas Oklahoma State game. First thing. And I think John Morse was the first person to notice this on Twitter. During this game, the announcers, because we're at this part, like, I feel like we've had a good run, but that's over.

We're at the part of the season where it's like, it's time to shoehorn the playoff into as many conversations as possible. And during this game, Texas came up as like, well, yeah, they have two losses. but one of them was close to Alabama. So, like, I don't know, this, our ESPN playoff number generator, which is definitely real, and you should pay attention to, says if they went out, they have a 40% chance of making the playoff. The very next play, Oklahoma State scored the go-head touchdown at the very next one, which is great. And the second thing is, after, like, it kind of going away, and I know this was part of why

the hired Sark is he would just be like, I'm not going to, like, make this a thing, and I'm not going to, like, we're going to sing the song. We're going to sing the choo-choo song, and we're not going to, like, talk about it on Twitter anymore. You can find the picture of, like, here are the 13 sad Texas players who went out and sang the sad choo-choo song. Like, it's back. It's an important tradition to go sing the sad choochoo song.

It is very critical that this remains a beloved tradition by everyone at the University of Texas after every game for the nine people who. are going through the motions of pretending they're okay with it yeah so i am i am currently my hotel room looks out on dkr i'm in downtown austin and you can look at dkr and i forgot they were in still water for a minute like you know you're checking the sea where things are this morning and i was looking through the games and i hadn't check coming in still water yeah right and i hadn't checked to make sure that you know texas wasn't in town you know uh and i looked over and i was like oh at least my hotel room's quiet like a sincere thought not a joking one that dkr was i was like oh if i got

do some work here, you know, it won't be too loud. Look, look, I hate to bring it up again. You know it was fucking loud? And that was, that was Williams-Brice. South Carolina was really fucking loud. A&M, I think at the end of the, at the end, they counted it, and A&M had five full, eight full starts, rather. Yeah, although, you know who, you know who doesn't use a, this is, this is true.

You know who wasn't using a silent count? I would make you go back and look. Correct. No, no. Jordan Rogers on the call was like, why aren't they clapping? Why are they still trying to yell louder than all the people? Dude, Jimbo didn't use a silent count in Tuscaloosa. Yeah, like this happens every week.

Every week. The silent counts another $30 million if you want to unlock it. I'm like a Tesla. You want brakes? You're stuck inside a burning Jimbo Fisher. out that'll be that'll be a hundred million dollars first got to go to somewhere with Wi-Fi yeah yeah we don't connect over LTE 5G fuck that that's broke shit that's poor people trash that's what they use in jail don't worry that car's waterproof as long as it

needs to be which is 35 seconds listen if you want this football program to break in a school zone that's going to be another 80 million dollars again this is the team Miami lost you among to be clear there are several it's not the only one numerous they have lost to um texas a and m which pays its coach uh 400 quadrillion dollars and they have also lost to mitsu which um which pays its coaches and mcdonald's stock a couple other things to notice from teams of no pen state it had a nice rebound because minnesota is um consistently disappointing that's the kindest thing i could think to say about Minnesota. Consistently erratic.

Yeah. Erratic, yeah. Just I never, that's basically, if you want to go NCAA, create a team midseason replacement, that's what you got, Minnesota every single time. You're like, oh, cool, they're four and three.

They're always four and three, no matter what the actual record is. Tulane, still 7 and 1, 3828 over Memphis, baby. Yeah, you got damn right. That was after they jumped out to a 35-0 halftime. late. Yeah, this was a, it was a far more of an ass-whip than it looks like. Will success go to the heads of the angry wave of Tulane? You're damn right because they want more of it.

I want to note a sad note. A few weeks ago, we noted the last time KU started 5 and 0, they finished 0 and 7. We're on the way. Kansas is almost halfway there. It's fine. It's fine. So this occurred to me that Kansas might be in the middle of pulling off one of the saddest things a football team can do without an actual like bad real life tragedy they might both miss a bowl and lose their head coach to a bigger job that's fucked up yeah you're right but it's fucked up um it's really fucked up Stanford aka expensive Iowa being Arizona State 15 14 while managing to throw for 320 yards only put up 15 points again the nibbler. The nibbler offense.

We got a lot of nibblers, man. We spent all the 2010s, like, football is high-tech and futuristic, and all the quarterbacks got computers in their arms, and, like, everything is explosions forever. And I'm looking at a fucking, the score is 16-7, 14, 14, 14, 14, 20. Those are the games going on right now in the wild and wacky west coast. I would like to thank UCF, right? As I was like, I don't know, UCF's kind of risky. They only got the one lost.

They're really piling up wins. lost to East Carolina by 21. Great, easy, not a problem. Understood. Thank you. Don't have to think about you for a good bit. Man, the committee doesn't have to put two lane in a New Year 6 game. Yes, they are.

They could put them in there. Oh, I put them at 9 a.m. Just, I don't want to think about this. I would like to, I would like to, as my last game of note before turning the floor over to anybody else, I would like to note this that our continuing experiment, you know, sometimes when you have those little terrariums and you put it's a completely closed environment and there's a plant and there's some water and then sometimes there's a tree frog in there

then the tree frog dies and they're like ha ha we shouldn't have put the frog in there that is Florida science folks this was Tennessee elementary school so yeah put the frog in there it'll be fine give it a biscuit give the frog a biscuit he'll live forever forever why did he die he didn't believe in our lord and savior jesus christ he died because he ate the biscuit a good and evil that's right it was temptation this was a parable and the frog didn't understand that the stupid frog ain't ever read it's bible so you know like the self-contained terrariums right

well the self-contained terrarium of pit football that pat and arduzzi has done and was like it's self-sustaining it'll live we don't need passing we don't need nothing i told you guys, this is an experiment. They do it. Pat, what do you expect for our trip to Mars? Just potato chips. That's it. Well, that's how Matt Damon did it. But except they were potatoes, I guess.

We're going to poop on the potato chips and we'll grow more. You'll see. We're only going to prove Pat and Arduzzi even more right, though, because he lost the baffling Louisville Cardinals, a team actively attempting to remove its coach like a boil and a coach. attempting to remove himself like a boil from the body politic of the Louisville athletic department. This is like watching a crash test dummy kick the shit out of a car. It's like, that's not how this works.

All he wanted to do was lose to Pitt so he could get fired and get that buyout. But no, with only 14 first towns and only 300 yards of offense, Louisville somehow managed to be pit because Pitt kept spitting up the ball. Like it was belching up magical caravals. It's just, four turnovers, four turnovers. Pitt hates its own offense so much. It just, it just lost to Yum Brands, Auburn. So Pitt's at 220 points this season.

If we go back to last season, what were they at? All right, so Pitt last year was average. I know points aren't the measure. Don't tell me. Last year's Pitt team average. 41.4 points per game this year before this result they were down to 35 and they're going to dip even more after that and they still have to well they play north carolina which will sometimes help your point yeah that'll bring it but like they'll boost it back up they play syracuse

they've got a good defense they play miami that's yeah all right maybe this will work out for pit after all never mind yeah it will it will turn out okay even though that keyed on slobus he put down to ball like four three times two interceptions and uh you know one fomble farm farm farm farm firm bowl firm bowl i still want to hear a pit resident say israel obanaconda i really want to hear how that comes out of a pit resident's mouth maybe they nail it like maybe they're like yeah and then you're like hey can you say dan smith and they're like dirge move yeah this was a uh this was It was just sort of like turnovers. It wasn't memorable.

Like there's not, there's nothing you're going to, there's very little you're going to remember about this Saturday in particular going forward. But that doesn't mean it wasn't fun. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's going to, it's going to, I mean, we'll remember Texas A&M. This will be, this will go in the highlight reel of the Caval failure failures. Will it or will it just blend in with all the others? Will it be hard to separate from the other disappointments? It's definitely one of their worst losses of the year.

Yeah. but they're all pretty bad at this point, so... Again, again, you know who's gonna keep eating that garbage because someone left it out in the street? That's right, big Shane. Big Shane, Daddy. Big Shane. Every year is going to be Shane Beamer emerging, astonished that he survived the wreck, right?

Oh, crazy! We're in a bowl again! Oh, man. Dump mail on my head. They got Mizzu and Vandy up next, too. Oh, man. Yeah. Seven wins, maybe.

It's fucking ranked South Carolina. Missouri is a struggle program right now. If there were two results today that made me feel simultaneously better and worse about the state of Florida football, better was LSU. It was like, all right, it's not just Florida. LSU is a good team. Worse was Missouri. It's like, well, fuck, they should have lost to Vandy at home.

And Florida barely beat them. So South Carolina was very briefly ranked 24. in 2018. Otherwise, they have not been ranked since 2014. Bring it back. It seems quite likely they're going to at least spend a week or two there. This has been a good year for like

every, we have, we let, we told the parents like everybody would get ranked for at least a week. Yes. There was, I saw a stat a couple weeks ago about like this, this year is especially high in the number of teams being ranked. And it, there is like a lot of pinwheeling going on from, like, 10 on down. That's great. It's fun. Northwestern is not going to be one of those teams.

No. No. The Iowa score 50 on Northwestern Challenge, throwing that gauntlet down now. I... How many overtimes do they get? Yeah, that's a good... Because Penn State only won that game 177 when they played Northwestern. Wisconsin killed them, and they only scored 42 points. I think this is going to be even worse than you think

This is like Man all the mean things and true things we said about Iowa And we just we just like said that they cannot possibly hope to Achieve the explosive competence of the Wisconsin offense That sucks man That's where we're at Wisconsin which if I saw the ticker right has now beaten Purdue 16 times in a row

Everyone in the Big Ten West is stealing money they're just some motherfuck stealing money from school for the job I like that this is vaguely Bob Seekery

They're on the road And stealing money Cash and checks stealing money Is there Is there at this point A Big Ten West team That would be like

No no no no no we should keep our coach Like if you said like Hey You can find You can fire your coach, and it won't cost you anything. If we said, like, let's take that away, penalty-free. Is there a single Big Ten school that would be like, well, we think we got something going here? Just the West?

Yes. And are we removing athletic department, athletic director blackmail from the- Yes, yes, yes, we are removing the fact that Gary Barton technically works for Kirk Ferris. yeah the big thing for like a shell corp sort of thing yeah yeah listen this is not attached to any individual and therefore it cannot be a construed as libel or slander but we're going to go ahead and call that the gary protocol that there will be no kickbacks from salary yeah i i understand that the answer

the answer at this point is brett beelma which is the fucking wildest thing to say is that bret beelma is the coach that they would say like no we want to keep them what if what if you went to like the boosters at each Big Ten West School besides Illinois, and you said, hey, listen, Brett Bilemo wants to come to your school if you fire your goal. Come on over, Brett, let's do it. And you time it, you time it, so you tell them all that, and then they all do it at once. There is a realistic scenario where I want to make sure I get this right.

Yeah, I think Illinois can clinch the division by November 12th, by November 13th. I think that can happen because they are up a game in conference play on Purdue and Nebraska. They have Purdue and Nebraska both left to play in their next three games. If they win their next three games, I think they could effectively clinch with like two weeks to spare. So then the teams that are like clinch super early, their divisions are going to be Clemson and Illinois. Yep. Yep. And then Brett Beal,

needs to get that extension. Yes, oh, 100%. A gigantic $11010 million extension from the University of Illinois, and then he needs to go two and ten. Yeah. That's the dream.

Get the extension and park the bus. Get the extension and hustle toward that buyout. And you know what he'll do? He'll say, well, I've made the Big Ten championship as many times as James Franklin has, and it'll be true. And it'll be true. go back work for the Patriots for a couple years

and then start this over again I've made it as many times as Jim Harbaugh has That's true That will be true It's also true These are true facts You can't get mad Why are you mad at facts

More right if we throw in his Wisconsin tenure Oh I wasn't even I wasn't even going there Yeah yeah Like he's done it more than Almost every other coach in the conference combined Do you know he should No he should just go back to Wisconsin why not everyone's happy why not then they'll pay him 120 mil

Wisconsin once like he needs to he needs to dangle it he needs to be like I'm taking the Purdue job first I'm going to get them to the conference championship yeah yeah I want an actual challenge I mean Clark Farrance is just like I'm not going anywhere fuck face I'm not going anywhere no one of you can make me do a goddamn thing fully aware coach Bilema has an Iowa tattoo on his leg sorry I'm not retiring

Kirk Farrant is so close to like you know what I have a tattoo of nothing because that's where I'm going nowhere zero he's he is so close to Nixon in the onion right now like the like come and get me fuckers just all bunkered in with a rifle in the all the office because I'm not going anywhere and neither is my offense oh did we miss anything in this expansive survey of sorrow sorrow despair and the Big Ten West stealing money this coach salary buys a lot of basement soup as it turns out so good luck waiting me out fuckers i've got so many apocalypse buckets so many so many morees down here i'm not going to shit for 10 years

oh god he'll never and he'll never get bored he's watched so much iowa football he can't he's impervious i i do think the best big twin big 10 west rivalry trophy is the apocalypse bucket the old oaken apocalypse bucket of bronze. Yeah, listen, if you just add, if you just add water and simmer for three days, you get a nutritious 30-gallon barrel of split pea soup. Welcome to Big Noon Saturday. It's the battle for the preppers toilet.

The meal you can shit in. Gus Johnson seriously had to get gassed up for. And here comes the Iowa office. Which I think he's had to see multiple times at this point. It's like having the Broncos on. They were just like, yeah, over in decks on Iowa. Let's just have a bunch of them. Folks, we are now three plays away from Tori Taylor.

Joel Klatte, why am I feeling nothing? It's a fake. No, it's just a very bad incompletion. That's it. Let's see what Alex Padilla could do. Oh, it's a fake. Touchdown, not Iowa. Let's see it, Iowa and A&M together.

Let's get that bowl game. That's a bowl game we can make happen, right? That's a Music City Bowl. Oh, man. Guess who's going? Oh, buddy, I'll be on the ground. I will ask for sideline passes of that shit. You'll see me on TV, nude, eating a biscuit.

Hey, there we go. It's time in the show. It is, it is. Thank you for stopping by, everyone, and enjoying the stylings of Fullcast After Dark. I think the most thorough survey that you're going to get of everything that happened in the week that was in college football. Miami turned it over eight times. Here's what you got to know. Miami turned it over eight times at Texas A&M is absolute carpet.

You could get divorced to seven different people and you'll still be doing better than Miami. How many turnovers do you need to have to beat Miami by 24 points? If you're a basketball school that cranks out neo-fascist, easy. It's eight. The number is eight. Keep that in mind, Boston College. You might need this one day. Yeah, you might, buddy.

You might. Good night.