Shutdown Fullcast - Fullcast After Dark: Touch the Hem of God's Board Shorts

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

SHOW NOTES The Haint personally attacks Ryan! Holly has a harrowing Big 12 box score game! The Big Ten somehow produced a worse box score! Eli Drinkwitz calls the cops on Tennessee's unfairly powerful backups! We are in a fight with the bowl season shirt company Spencer coins a metaphor, with the usual results We will continue to stump for TCU in the playoff and there's nothing you can do about it Virginia Tech commits the ultimate dork misstep Here's a scary story to tell in the dark: The first 16 seconds of the Pitt-Virginia game Pac-12 After Dark refereeing in the post-information phase Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome. I have to restart my phone. Sorry, hold on. Everyone will be joining. Who restarts their phone? Well, Twitter, let me join the space, but wouldn't let me request to speak. I'm actually kind of shocked that it went this far. Because the four engineers left at Twitter are sleeping right now, which is fine.

They're allowed to do that. Did you see that somebody took a photo of a Slack conversation where the dude who was in charge of rehiring a bunch of the folks that he brought back was like, I don't like bringing these people back, so let's make sure we only bring them back long enough to get everything fixed. But then that got leaked. And then it'll be fine.

Whoops. God damn it. Why can't you have an iPhone like a normal person? I don't think that's the problem. But if we can make fun of you for not having an iPhone, we're going to do it. I don't know how many people on this. I didn't want Bill Barnwell to feel alone.

Okay. You got Felder. You got Felder too, yeah. Should I just deactivate my whole account? Would that be the best solution? Maybe. Deactivate. Deactivate.

No way, that's a charm. That's going to be a collector's item. Just give it a few more days. Also, less we forget, this entire conversation is happening while the thousand people in the space cannot hear Ryan. No. Yeah, Ryan right now. And it's just all of us talking to imaginary Ryan.

Folks, sound off with emojis that correspond to what you believe, Ryan. is saying let's go to free conference call.com we're going to go ahead and open up the conference call to 10,000 listeners at once that's not the worst idea we did we have done that and it did it crashed it remember yeah yeah it did sound like event horizon it sounded like we opened a portal straight to space hell uh Twitter won't let me log out of my account this is amazing Twitter won't let Ryan log out of his account. This is the stupidest shit in the world.

This is fabulous. It won't let me leave the space. It won't let me request to join. It won't let me log out. I don't even think if I tried to delete my account, it would let me do that either. Oh, my God. No, but I can't log out, so I can't log in either. Brian cannot log out, so he cannot log.

This is amazing. No, I don't think it will let me do that. I'm not confident it will let me do that. I cannot believe people. It's also, that this is our fault. You, y'all get going, and if I can, I'll hop in. If not, I'll just sit here. Don't you dare sign off to Zoom, Ryan?

Okay, okay. Ryan, stay in the Zoom. Spencer, you are my proxy. You say everything that I say. I am currently Ryan's proxy. You do Spencer your proxy? Yeah. Holly, you would do a better job.

I was a good lawyer. But Spencer will do that, we'll fuck it up in a funnier way. Please let them know that I'm being shadow banned. He is being shadow banned. So much for free. of speech. Mm-hmm. So much for the tolerant left, as in what's left of Twitter.

Welcome to the full cast after dark. Yeah, fuck you. It let me in. It let me in. I'm here. Ryan! Yeah. Ryan is here.

Right on time. Now, what tech solution proved to be the decisive one, Ray? Rather than restart my phone, I turned it all the way off, sat for five seconds, and then turned it back on. Okay. Yeah. So you hit it with a blow on the cartridge. That's right. What sorcery freed you for the wizard's trip?

Gary Sinise in Apollo 13, you ain't got shit on me. We also appeared to have successfully passed it on to someone else a la it follows. I just got a text from Michael Serber saying that the haint killed the blitz tonight. Yeah, that's what you get for sleeping with the full cast. That text showed up right when Ryan, appeared. It really is true. That's true. Would anyone like to play a game?

I would. Can I do one thing before we do that? Fucking, have we not waited on you enough? I'm sorry. The bowl eligible t-shirt company, whatever the fuck this is. Oh no. Yes. The shirt just says bowl eligible. It doesn't say invited to a bowl. It doesn't say guaranteed to make a bowl appearance.

It doesn't say which bowl you will go to. says bowl eligible to me that means you won six games and that you are not like in the jm u position where it's like hey you're new so even if you're good you're not allowed to play in a bowl game because they're only for the old dudes um so why are you why are you dicking over you con why are you fucking over yukon and saying you have to wait to see what shakes out with everything else that's one so mean don't act like you're better than this by this logic by this logic If Yukon had won 10 games, they would have been like, well, I guess we still got to wait and see who gets the advice. You know, you just never know how these things are going to go.

Did you do this to Notre Dame? Is Notre Dame bowl eligible? Oh, shit, that's a great point. I haven't checked. I don't know. Uh, BYU? Uh, a lot of independents do have bowl ties. Yes, that's true.

That's, that's the unfortunate situation for Yukon is. Why is this, why is this fucking Facebook ass algorithm T-shirt company being like, Oh, we're better than you. I love that this sport is such bullshit that this is the official entity of the postseason and yet it also feels like Etsy spam. I like that you said... I'm a dentist and I'm from Toledo.

And I love my wife. I love my corgi and my daffodil balls. And if you don't like it, then deal with it. How many... Do you want to just make like one of those shirts? a day in the off season and just see how many we can sell. Sure. Let's just make a generator. Why not?

But we could make a generator where people can make their own. You know, we won't do. We won't say that we're the bowl eligible shirt and then wait for Yukon to get disappointed to not print the shirts. I think Homefield should just make Yukon a bowl eligible. Correct. Correct. What do you think what possible harm would result from this? You think Yukon actually gives

the fuck about going to a bowl. They just want the shirt, man. Yukon, we're going to make you bowl eligible stickers and we're going to have us on our website. We'll make our own bowl game with blackjack. And also, if there's nothing else, why wouldn't the, of all the, it's a bad business decision

on top of everything else because why would you not want to cash in on the emotion that comes with attaining bowl eligibility on the back of fucking liberty? Of the groups, we've talked about like, they print this shirt for Ohio State. Nobody's buying that shirt for Ohio State.

They printed this shirt for Florida And while yes, I am pretty happy That Florida's bowl eligible because I wasn't that confident In this season Not a lot of Florida fans are going to buy that shirt I think Yukon fans would have bought this shirt To remember a very fun season And not only to celebrate that

But to celebrate a week in the news cycle Where over and over again The worst shitheads in America have caught L's Yes I think the fact that the shirt says bowl bound Is that the problem? Well, yeah, I mean, it should say eligible because then it's, you know,

then you're not hung up on, they're not technically bound. So they fuck this up on the front end? Yeah, they were a little bit too ambitious. Hey, hey, I've, a bull bound t-shirt company. I have a wild idea. Change one word and print the shirt then.

Give me the fucking shirt. I know you're capable of changing one word than the shirt because you do them for different teams. Don't tell us it's hard. Or if you want, print bowl unbound, make Yukon sound like the wildest horse in the West. That sounds sexy. The team that cannot be changed to any bowl. Exactly.

No God tells me, orders. No gods, no masters, no bowls. This is Jim Moras under the Tusman Sun moment, and you're taking it from him. Yukon should now affirmatively come out and say, like, we'll decline all bowl invites. Fuck bowls. No, he should change his name to Jim W. Mora. they didn't make us a shirt so we don't want to we don't like bulls that's right i i want to do this i want to start making shirts but for teams right like yeah i'm a little rowdy and i might lose to

app state at home but i'll pay my beloved coach 95 million dollars and not even get to a bowl hell we might not get to five wins listen we're not and i'm a forklift driver we're not I'm a certified forklift operator and I vote. I want, Spencer, I want you to have time for A&M. I want us all to have time for A&M. But I said I would just jump in there before Holly's game. So now I want Holly to be able to do her game. Do the game.

I know that you have all been waiting for this. How many of you watched the Iowa State, Oklahoma State football contest today? Zero minutes. Zero minutes. Outstanding. I was inspired to watch this when I, hang on i don't want to quite give it away let me set the scene for this game which oklahoma state did win 20 to 14 but that doesn't quite tell the story of what happened in the game uh Oklahoma

state trailed until uh the final five minutes of the game uh trailed iowa state and that that's kind of what set me off on this, on this inspirational journey. Let me just read aloud to you the conclusions of the drive chart in the first half, and you'll see where I'm going. Okay. Ready? Mm-hmm.

Punt, punt, punt, fumble, turnover on downs, interception, punt, interception, field goal, punt, punt, touchdown, touchdown, punt interception, missed field goal end of half. That was all in the first half? First half. That's a lot to happen and okay. So I decided to dive into this box score when for the five seconds I had this game on on route to somewhere else, I saw Iowa State commit its fourth turnover and I looked at the score and they were up 1410.

So we're going to go through the box score today and I've probably just given in a way, but I do just want to highlight some things. I'm going to give you guys a statistical category and you are going to tell me who won. Who do you think had more first downs, Iowa State or Oklahoma State? Ryan, we'll start with you. I'll say Iowa State. You are correct. Iowa State had 19 first downs to Oklahoma State's 11. Jason, who would you say had better third down efficiency, Iowa State or Oklahoma State? I'm going to stick with Iowa State. That's correct.

Iowa State was 6 of 17 to Oklahoma States one of 14. Jesus. Damn. This is a, I'm not even going to get into the yards, but of the three quarterbacks who suited up in this game, which of the follow, and I'm not going to tell you who they played for there were three quarterbacks one team played their starter and the other team played

a starter and a backup which quarterback finished with a QBR of 7.4 Spencer Iowa State's I'm sorry the answer was Gunner Gundy

oh man no who went five of 12 for 103 yards one touch down and two picks hey made those five count though woo yeah it's a good he listen being a coach on the field has to take up a lot more just a lot more time than we thought sure all right let's uh let's god i'm sorry that's let's i won't drag this out too much longer but how many turnovers combined uh i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna let all you guys guess how many

turnovers combined due to commit and when please note that we are already starting with a baseline of four so can I ask one one follow-up question what time of the game was it when you saw them commit their fourth turnover it was roughly this would have been right at the end of the third quarter okay and three of those they took their time by the way because iowa state committed three of those turnovers in the first quarter at the end of which they only trailed seven to ten um i'm do you want us to say who how many for each or just a total no just the total number turnovers i'll say i'll say eight jason oh um seven spencer nine jason is correct uh the answer is iowa state committing an additional turnover for a total of five uh to oklahoma states two

it is it is worth noting at this point um Oklahoma state is still in contention to play in the Big 12th championship game. They sure are. As are Baylor. Texas. If you reach Texas Tech, Kansas also could potentially do this thing. TCU's got it. Congrats.

TCU's there. Wasn't really worried about that. Kansas State, driver's seat. Looking good. Got, yeah. I forgot two other weird things from the start of this game that weren't weird before, that were maybe weird before but aren't weird now. Iowa State was favored in this game by three, despite being four and six?

I think that is largely a function of how injured Oklahoma State was. The over under in this game was 47.5. Yep. Yep. I think it's that plus how jammed up the Big 12 is. Like looking at these standings, the teams that are out of the race would be West Virginia, Iowa State, and, oh, right, Oklahoma. My favorite thing in the Big 12 right now is the current winning streaks and losing streaks. Everybody is just won.

Like every week it flips. Win one, win one, lose one, lose one, win one, lose one, win one, lose one. The only exception other than TCU is a team on a two-game losing streak, which is, oh shit, it's Oklahoma again. The team that's supposed to win this conference every year is the only team on a losing streak. That's at least a system. some people i i as personally find this relatable the big 12 refuses to engage or develop one consistent habit congratulations this entire conference is perfect equilibrium and tCU has managed to break free of that gravity yes good for them yeah truly i mean anyway i didn't mean to bring everybody

down by starting into that right off the bat but that was just a humdinger of a box score while I agree with you I don't think it tops the Iowa Wisconsin box score why what happened did something happen duty obliges me to ask

Jason if he has anything on this first this is far too high scoring to interest me this is I was sold out let me put it this way at one point during the Auburn M game

I think when A&M game I think when A&M only had three points. One of the announcers says, basically, sheesh, even Iowa's offense scored 17 points today. Yeah. Iowa beat Wisconsin by a score of 2410. Here are real numbers from that game. Spencer Petrus, 14 of 23 for 94 yards, no touchdowns, no picks.

Clean sheet, clean sheet. Iowa's rushing totals. 52 yards on 45 carries That's not sack That's not sack adjusted Because Spencer Petrus got sacked a few times But they had two touchdowns We can't call it rushing at that point, right?

That's like ambling yards It's more of a shuffle Yes Correct Iowa's trundling yards Iowa went 6 of 19 on third down Which isn't terrible

They held the ball for 33 minutes Wisconsin turned it over three times Iowa's longest play of the entire their day, 19 yards. They each had, each team had 11 first downs and Iowa finished the day with 146 yards of offense.

Just fucking beautiful. It's too many points, but I love the yardage totals. Which now brings us to the Big Ten West, which y'all is a fucking mess. For a while, it looked like Illinois was going to do us a solid and just like win this when this division cleanly simply and and not have us have to think about math

or tiebreakers or any of that shit but this is the situation we now are faced with Purdue wait sorry time out sorry yeah sorry what interrupting for breaking news from uncle pit at the Willard years our friends and neighbors the sickos committee have apparently already complained to the bowl season bull shirt bullshit Twitter account and this is the response they gave to the sickos as an independent team

Yukon is not guaranteed a spot in a bowl game once they've won six games but we are working hard on it and hope to have some good news for you soon what the fuck do you what are you working hard on we are working on murdering Florida on what

FTX bowl baby FTX who is standing between you and the switch to print the t-shirts. Also, also, like, look. Is Elon running this account? We see what this business is. Nobody's working hard, and that's fine.

You've found a business where you don't have to work hard. That's cool. No, we're taking this entirely. We're copying your entire business model next year, and you're going to be too lazy to stop us, and your shirts won't be as comfy because ours are going to be home field. We're just going to publish bold deserving shirts. That's it.

We'll be like, this team deserves a bowl. We can do that for teams that go four and eight. Yeah, like the people's highsmen, but for entire teams. Yeah, you're good. Coastal Carolina. Why are some noteworthy teams going to go four and eight? Wait, Ryan, what were you saying about the Big Ten? Okay.

So here's where we stand in conference standings of the Big Ten West. There is a four-way tie for first. Purdue, Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota are all four and three in conference play. Wisconsin, who lost today to this incredibly Iowa. effort is three and four and still in play i did a little bit of work here i'm not going to i listen the permutations for if there is there is a way where i believe all of these teams can finish five and four i'm not doing that i'm not doing that but but maybe wisconsin can finish five and four and win the big ten west if purdue loses to either northwestern or indian

Indiana. A lot of these count on that. If Purdue can hold it together to beat Northwestern and Indiana, two terrible fucking teams, two easily beatable teams at this juncture. If they can do that, almost everything on here goes out the board. But if they lose to either one of them, a bunch of stuff opens up. Wisconsin also needs Illinois to lose to Michigan and Northwestern. That's right. We need Northwestern to win multiple games for Wisconsin to get into. to the Big Ten championship game. Iowa has to lose to Minnesota and Nebraska. And then Wisconsin obviously has to beat Minnesota.

The other permutations for the others are like Minnesota is in the worst shape. They need to win out and for Purdue to lose to either Northwestern or Indiana and Illinois to lose to either Michigan or Northwestern, the Michigan one is at least possible. It is mostly a Purdue, Illinois, Iowa, race at this point. Nobody really controls their destiny. Everybody needs a... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right. No, no, no, no. In that sentence one more time so my ears can puke again. It is mostly Purdue, Illinois, Iowa race at this point. God, fuck me. Spencer, that might be spinal fluid. Uh, because Purdue has head to head wins over Illinois and

Minnesota and they don't play anybody who's in this tiebreaker left. So that if they went out, they need Iowa to lose to Minnesota or Nebraska. Iowa has the head-to-head over Purdue, which is why if they both went out, they'll win that tiebreaker. But they would need, because they lost to Illinois, they need Illinois to lose to either Michigan or Northwestern.

I'm saying Northwestern so many times that, you know that thing where it stops making sense, a word because you've said it too many times? The fucked up thing about the Big Ten West at this point is that it's made Northwestern and Indiana relevant in November. So very likely, the Big Ten championship is going to be the clear, no doubt number two team against an eight and four Purdue. And looking, that is likely a 21 point spread based on current numbers. That is an unranked Purdue.

By the way, Purdue has Ohio State right where they want them. I think so. Right where they want them. I think high state or Michigan. Either way, it would be like no doubt hands down number two and gigantic favorite over Purdue. Good shit. Really good shit.

God. Well not found, babe. Good God. That's awesome. That's great. Yeah. No, this would be a, this would be, by the way, a Purdue team that beat FAU by two earlier in the year and Maryland by two.

Only beat Nebraska by six. God. Yeah. Yeah, and that somebody just, that somebody just paid a billion dollars for that TV contract. Ah, man. Yeah. I, I, I, I, do crimes, do crimes. We've said it again. If you're like, oh, it's boiling inside his, I have, all right, I'll, I'll change the subject just to save myself.

Do all the other SEC coaches hate Eli Drinkwitz? Oh, yeah. Because, wait, is Godfrey in here? Because I know he can attest to this. Because Tennessee put. up over 700 yards today. Oh, he saw, Eli talk some shit this summer, like on Jim Rome, and I know nobody was happy about that.

But also, here's the thing, that last touchdown where the announcer spent the, anyway, the backups were in. The last, like, three long bombs of that game were Joe Milton. What the fuck are we supposed to do? Yeah. What do you want? I'm sorry, you couldn't stop our backups. But they just gave them an extension.

Sure did. A $2 million raise there, yeah. Sure did. Yes, they did. Sure did. I'm sorry that you couldn't stop our backups. But then we got to watch Joe Milton through one of the, and I've had a lot of chance to watch pretty passes from this team today.

But Joe Milton threw one of the prettiest passes I have seen today to. none of it than squirrel white Holly how many points was the margin between Mizzou and Tennessee at that point and at what point in the game was it

I don't know 35 yeah the margin was 35 points yeah at that instant in the game when again and A first of all A senior day B backups were in C

Eli shut the fuck up and stop them it looks like I didn't know this at the time but it looks like four months ago the Drinkwitz comments were about expecting Tennessee to vacate wins which would theoretically improve Drinkwitz's record

we're a fucking nerd shut up I think the cops should step in and give me more fake wins which is weird because like I do think that though you remember him at App State like he was chesty and he like came like and now he's pulling like this is some this is some James Franklin at Vanderbilt shit

and I do not respect it at all. But you know who respects it even less than me? Joe Milton. I'm sorry that our backup quarterback didn't pull up on you, Eli. Throwing deep up by 35. I want everyone listening. And everyone who can hear my voice know, I approve. I think this is awesome.

I think you should be able to throw deep at any point in the game. Thank you, son of Spurrier. Yes. Don't like it. You better stop it. Yeah. I mean, you had three full quarters to say nothing of the entire rest of this fucking season to figure out that you should probably put a body on Jalen Hyatt.

Do you see the guy he's got to, if only he wore a number on his shirt to delineate which person he is on the field and you can send one of your guys running after him? I'm not a football coach, but at this point in the season, I might try covering him. Well, you know who is a football coach is Jimbo Fisher. That's true. Maybe they should, maybe they should switch places. Jimbo Fisher's Texas A&M Aggies. Not many people remember this,

but they were the most heralded, disgust, and not quite the most hyped, but certainly up their team of the offseason, entering the year at number six in the rankings. And six is an interesting number when it comes to Texas A&M because here's a little bit of a coincidence. Their preseason ranking, which was six, is also the number of games consecutively they have lost.

but that's not all the games they've lost because they also lost to Appalachian State. That makes seven, which means the bowl season shirt company does not need Texas A&M's logo this year because they've lost too many games. Printing anyway. Fuck the law. We have to end. We have to end the $95 million dollar Gasparilla Bowl watch. Oh, that fell off a week or two ago.

It's not even time to buy your Thanksgiving turkey yet. They fell down to the Vegas bowl last week. Now, ball bound company, are you willing to sell bowl ineligible shirts? Because a lot of people buy that for that. At the bowl season company, demand bowl ineligible Texas A&M shirts. You love money and you love not acknowledging Texas A&M, but maybe you could get over one of those for just a second. Bull Unbound Jimbo Fisher It was just Jimbo taking a hat off

And shaking his hair in the wind As Wildfire plays in the background Auburn shut A&M out for three quarters Is that song about having sexual congress With a horse? Yes Yes Okay

Doesn't even matter what song you're talking about It is wildfire Oh Any other song as well though Don't know it Is that not the song about the horse? I don't know Could be sure sounds like it is

Yeah Here's the thing about losing to this Auburn team it is it is bad there is some bad timing to it like post there has never been i think a more visible shift in vibes than Auburn dumping Brian harsen for Cadillac Williams it hasn't necessarily made them like a hugely better football team but everybody just seems to feel a lot better yes yeah but it doesn't change a lot of the fun like Auburn was not a three-win team that was secretly an eight-win team like they were they had flaws robbie ashford really cannot throw the ball very well they don't ask him to very much as a result like this was

not oh you you accidentally stumbled upon like this wasn't a um she's all that situation where it's like ah fuck auburn was gorgeous this whole time once they took off their classes no took off the glasses and you're like, whoa, whoa. The thing is they, put those back on, take them all. What happened here is they encountered people who look ugly in overalls. Hey, before, no, before somebody hits us with it in the chat and spoils the joke, y'all know what She's All That is a remake slash ripoff of that is specifically particular to Texas A&M. You remember the movie that inspired She's All That?

No. Can't Buy Me Love. Oh, yeah. Right. Yep. Anyway, yeah, this is still a pretty powerful team that you lost to. They were fired up and they did what they needed to do, and that's great. But, like, whew, everything we're saying makes it worse for the Aggies.

It should. It should. It should. And if there's one, if there's one, I already said this to Jason and I said it on Twitter, but if there's one team that I think should feel okay about losing today, it's Oleness, because can you imagine going into Thanksgiving weekend saying I will care about the Egg Bowl and I will be invested as a third party

in Jimbo Fisher doing something good what an insane approach to life that would be what a foolish fucking errand and now literally no one has to care about that game no no so yeah I hope honestly I hope Brian Kelly throws it and says yeah I bet against us and now we're all rich all my players did you too, fuck you.

Now, we have $95 million. You know what we're going to do with it? Not give it to Jimbo. Because LSU has, has LSU clinched? Yes, LSU is clinched because they have. LSU doesn't need that win at all. Correct. Because like, fuck it.

If you beat Georgia in the title game with three losses, sure, playoff. Why not? Right, right. Yes. Phone it in, boys. Phone it in. Yep. Yep.

So, yeah, let Jimbo have one, keep him around. Forfeit, whatever. Keep them around. This is great. We love it. This is a great for us. A little bit ago, I tweeted that your preseason number six texting name in Aggies. Winless in October.

In November, they're going to pick up one win and another loss still to go. No dubs in December or January. The one game that they will win will be against UMass, who is almost universally considered the worst team in FBS. When I tweeted this, I had a whole bunch of Aggies. responding with whoa whoa easy you're putting expectations on jimbo don't look at him he hates it when you look at him don't go around saying we can beat UMass slow down so that's where things are is don't count your wins over UMass before they're hatched like like A&M's going to finish at the bottom of the SEC West Vanderbilt Vanderbilt as Jason pointed out early

Before we started, Vanderbilt has a higher conference winning percentage as of this recording than Texas A&M does. Then preseason number six, Texas A&M. And like, by the way, shouts to Vanderbilt for getting a win in the first time in three years. Kentucky, that sucks. You shouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have. A&M is currently, like from looking at things earlier, currently one of the 10 most overrated teams of the preseason AP poll era. That's 72 years. And things could get worse. Like, they could be one of the five most overrated teams ever.

It was pretty fucking bad, I think. It's nice that they have something to look forward to. Yeah, the last time A&M touched the hem of the four-win season nightgown. What? Just let them have it. It's in Diablo, too. Yeah, it's in Diablo, too. Don't equip it.

It makes you slow. It makes you really slow. I like that Spencer's like kind of using biblical language, but he overheard it three spots ahead of him on an airplane. I did. I read the Bible through eight other conversations that somebody else had about the Bible. Touch the hem of. That's it.

God's face. I saw God through a hole in the sheet. God's doily face. And you will touch the hem of God's board shorts. Yeah. God does wear board shorts, bro. His legs look amazing. God wants me able to go straight from 7-Eleven to the beach.

Where you only saw two sets of tracks is because God was fucking blading. God was skimboarding. That's why. Dude, if God is skimboarding in the Bible and y'all haven't told me about it, I'm going to be so mad. It's called Genesis 1-2. That's why you go through. That's why you bother to go through. It's the first page, bro. How do you think Jesus walked our water? Skimboard, baby. Because he, no, Jesus had to walk on water because he hadn't learned to skimboard.

Literally the second verse is about God skinboarding. Again, I maybe this Bible thing. What were you even trying to talk about before this? It was about the four losses. Last time they had four wins was, was 2008. That'd be Mike Sherman's first year on the job. Before that, you got to go all the way back to Dennis Franchone's first year. There's a guy who knows a little bit about touching the hymns and nightgowns.

Wow. Oh, sorry, that's the wrong Bama coach. It is. It is, but I was just going to say, Dennis Franchone, substack, and newsletter Pioneer. It's got to have to give him his due. It's much funnier to think of Dennis Franchone, hoardiest book.

I'm sure he's been a lover a time or two. Oh, I get it. French class. Swiggity, swiggy-swoody, I'm leaving this job to go take the Alabama job or Kansas job, maybe. Yeah, he is, Dennis Ranchote was going to leave Alabama to take the Kansas job. If you just want to go ahead and, like, test how dumb that man was. Now I'm just going to see Wildfire again. Yeah.

Before we get Texas, Texas A&M fans feeling too bad and by. Oh, they're rich. They're fine. by the rule of inverse proportions or whatever, Texas man's feeling too good. Steve Sarkesian showed up to the TCU Texas game looking like a creepy uncle's custom-pated van. Oh, y'all, no.

Sorry, that outfit was flames. I liked it. I'm sorry, I love it. I think there are people that would have been flames on. It's a little less flames when Texas rushes for 28 yards on 22 carries. Yeah, but we didn't have to look at the jacket and that box. in the same frame. That's true. That's true. One of a 13 on third down. One hundred and ninety-nine total yards. A 17-10 loss to TCU. Um, really a 17-3 loss. Correct. Correct. Because the only

touchdown they scored was literally handed to them by TCU on a scoop and score fumble. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so remember Joe McIre from Texas Tech when he said, uh, after beating Texas earlier this season. I told you they would break and they did. But more importantly, he looked like, and thank you T.J. McElene for pointing this out because now I need this entire outfit. He looked like he was about to coach the 1980s Vancouver Canucks. I am dropping a picture of this outfit in the chat because the 1980s Vancouver Canucks uniform is fucking wildfire. Are you thinking, For real this time. Are you thinking like Valour sweatsuit or like Kaftan or what?

Oh, no. I'm talking like taffeta. Okay. Yeah, they're bad and they remain bad. And Texas remains, as Joel Anderson might say, soft. They are soft. They do not finish games. They do not run the ball.

They do not play hard defense. And they manage to take TCU on a night when TCU could have been beatable. Hey, we're just going to go ahead and repeat this storyline, right? It looks like you can beat TCU. But you didn't. No one's vanished to do it yet. Undefeated TCU. Rank them number one, cowards.

I love that... Like Channel 6 did. TCU, if you sort of like blind item, this resume that TCU's done, if we put a big brand name on this, we'd say, this is bullshit. Get this out of here. I fucking hate it. They win every game by three points. But like, no, fuck all y'all.

TCU in the playoff. That's correct. Looks great to me. That is correct. Ship it. Channel 6 ranked to me. number one just a couple of days ago haters saying saying

this is yeah by the way this is you're right like Jason this was like prior to last week TCU was Clemson or you're like oh god no no well like Clemson was bullshit by playing exactly like TCU yeah yeah but we're like but like

you look at that and you go well I've seen Clemson in this spot before I don't want to see that again let's avoid that if possible I mean, yeah, I look at TCU squeaking out every game, and I'm like, it's called winners. It's called winning. Yeah, sorry, sorry if you don't understand football. That's the only stat that matters to me, nerd.

Let me give you some advanced analytics, these nuts. See, I swore you were going to play on the word anal appearing in analytics. No, no, no, there's no wordplayed. That's under the nightgown. We don't discuss it. Too close. That's too far under the helmet. of God's face.

The hem of God's skin's boiling. He's down there by the nutsack. Nobody help him. Nobody help him. Spencer, what do you think a hem is? The hem of the anus

is. That's the opposite of a her. I hate him. I hate him. No, I got to give him that one. I'm not dignifying that question with the correct answer. For men.

Y'all, Virginia Tech's bad. Oh, shit. Virginia Tech has lost seven in a row now for the that's the first time they've done that since 1951 this has gone like quietly unnoticed Virginia Tech's two and eight and like I'm not saying that it's yes it's the first year under a new coach things had obviously like unraveled in a pretty alarming way under the previous one it's a rebuilds I get all that But Virginia Tech's not supposed to go two and eight. UVA is supposed to go two and eight, but, and they're not good, but they're three and seven.

Ryan? Yeah. Tell me what fair's got to do with supposed to. It looks like they're going to go two and eight. You're right. You're right. Well, that's the problem. Virginia Tech isn't supposed to not only lose badly against Duke in football, but also to get made to look like dork

online by Duke to accuse Virginia Tech of playing for Twitter Blue. When Duke looks cool, you have fucked up bad. You really have. When Duke calls you, when Duke calls you like pocket chasing nerds.

Try hard dorks. Duke is like, oh, look at you sucking up to rich people. God damn. That is an amazing moment. for Duke, though. Shouts out to Duke. I hope that person who got to type that accusation was on scholarship. Right, like

when the boot is on the other foot, that's an amazing feeling. I think in this exact situation, this is when the boot, the boot licking is on the other foot on the other tongue. No, I have a guy who licks my boots for me. Virginia Tech. No, I meant that in the sense of like a rich person.

Come on. What in all my history would make you think I'm that sexually you're a business woman i don't know what you do to make money it's fine arbitrage just saw an opportunity for arbitrage that's right virginia tech uh next uh speaking of weird sex stuff they're going to liberty they're probably going to lose to liberty god damn because you know why because virginia tech's not as good as you con find the fucking that's just that's just true this is this is this commonwealth cup is going to be fucking dregs.

It's going to be not much wealth, but it's very common. Before I bust this out, we have not touched on the opening of that game, right? Because I do want to say it out loud just so we could get it down for posterity sake that we all saw what happened in the first 16 fucking seconds

of that game, right? The Virginia game, you mean? Yes, the Virginia Pitt game. I did not. Yeah. Okay, okay. So they, started the game and you know uva and pit are tied because that's how teams start games and then

uvae decides to throw a pass and that pass is supposed to go to a uva player but it doesn't and it goes to uh into the arms of a pit player on the first play of the game for a pick six okay okay that happens that happens okay we're going to go ahead we'll just reset and we'll do it again because brennan armstrong's a great quarterback we've built our whole team around him and surely this can work out so uh they they kick off pit kicks off uva gets the ball again they call another pass because brandon armstrong is it's a good quarterback and he could do that kind of shit um and then he throws the ball back to pit for another pick six in 16 seconds of game time with no offensive plays run pit was up 14 zero pat narduzzi was erect like pat narduzzi

Pat Narduzzi should not have been in public at that point. Oh, boy. Now we run. Now we run. Perfect football at last. Perfect football. I showed them the pain that comes with passing. I've punished them.

If I have this right, Brennan Armstrong had not completed more passes to Virginia than Pittsburgh until the 13-minute mark in the second quarter. It's a bad day, man. It's a bad fucking day, dude. It was a bad day. Also, so you thought, well, maybe Virginia, with the pass isn't working.

Maybe we need to go ahead and take it to this number two. Take it to the ground. Maybe we need to go ahead and, you know, get running. They had negative eight yards on the day, including Brennan Armstrong's rushing total, which Brennan Armstrong last year was an effective running quarterback. I want everybody to remember that too. He rushed for negative 46 yards. And Virginia finished negative eight on the day, which if they were playing golf, man, smoking.

That's great. Have yourself a couple of cold ones at the 19th hole. Negative eight, that's a real bad total. Year over year, Brennan Armstrong is something. thing here's now this is a complete season versus a partial one but we're pretty fucking close to done with 2022 completion percentage dropped from 65.2% to under just under 55% this year yards per attempt went from 8.9 down to 6.7 touchdowns to interceptions last year 31 touchdowns to 10 picks this year still 10 picks even though there's two games left to play touchdowns six six passing touchdowns

touchdowns. Yeah. This is bad times. This is extremely bad times. Yeah. We're not, we're not getting it done. And it would be anything but throwing two

interceptions in the first two places. And no more after that. You know, he did slow down a little bit. Good for him. And he didn't throw, he did throw Virginia's lone touchdown. But man,

yeah. One of, UVA is one of those places, man, where like when you say hey listen i'm going to strip this place to the studs um there's not much drywall that you got to take down right you're just like and it's done wow there's not much to the fundamentals here none you can get to the basement real quickly the floor is right there so now so now virginia tech has to go play liberty and virginia has to go play coastal carolina are there

two different colleges that close to character that you can think of you two fucking idiots. They probably vote the same way. That's fair. There's kind of like a horseshoe theory. There's like a horseshoe theory of vibes in play here.

I don't know if coastal fans are big on government stuff. One's like, I'm going to vote for Governor Knife because he's going to go ahead and get me a good deal on my capital gains. And the other one's like, I'm going to vote for governor knife because i want to watch him fucking kill someone anyway speaking of nazi collaborators how did northwestern do today

really bad really fucking bad wow like like they are um really contending for uh they still haven't won a game in this hemisphere have they no and uh we got authoritatively this time we got to bring it back with uh particularly with boston college picking up a NC State, what the hell is wrong with you? NC State. I think the race for a worst team in all the Power 5 comes down to Northwestern, Colorado and Virginia Tech.

I respect Dave Doran tanking, so he doesn't have to interview for the Stanford job. That flight's got to suck. Is Dave Doran like, oh, I'm just looking forward to a quiet off-season at home? Fuck it. It might be. Maybe this is... Listen, I was going to say that Nick Saban

is clearly quiet quitting, but maybe it's him Nick was happy today after that loss or if a win lost win

yeah you just gave the thing no that was a win that was a win that was a win yeah yeah it was a win

for a five and five ass football team wow wow he's not wrong look at him look at them

they're they are what does that make old miss then they're uh a four and six

ass football team they're eight and two they're with their they are with their Bama's three or four players away from not having a bowl shirt. Okay, this was not one of those games, though. This was not a game where you were like, oh, yeah, there were points. Crafty Bama pulled it out.

To be fair, I didn't watch the last seven minutes. I don't know what happened then. Sounds like it must have gone good for Bama. There were just a lot of points where it was like, ah, fuck, Ole Miss has the pass. They really don't like do it. That's why they don't like doing it. Lane did a pretty good Mac Brown on Nick and the pregame, did you all see? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Like, got him with the photo clutch, got him with, like, the hand and the shoulder thing, and then Nick kind of tried to awkwardly squeeze some of his own life force back out of Lane's, like, liver. I hope. I hope Lane was like, hey, man, great to see. Do you have a good realtor in state? No reason. Just asking.

Just curious. Listen, tell Ms. Terry, I've been meaning to call her back. I've been really busy. Y'all, I just wanted to point one thing out from LSU, Arkansas, and it's... Sorry, I made a joke, and now all I can think about is Lane running away with Nick Saban's wife. She has needs. She thinks I'm more financially stable than you are. Oh, God. Listen, Lane's probably...

Listen, Lane's bought some... boat, lost bought several boats. I bet you anything given his career just fits and starts. I bet you anything he's never been underwater in real estate. No, he's probably not allowed to buy any. That's fair.

You think Monty still has to co-sign? Yes, late Kiffett 100% has one of those kids checking accounts where it's like, well, did your mom say you could buy this son? Do you think he still goes to a pediatrician? Yeah, because he loves lollipops. I mean, I would go to...

I just sit on the fire truck, round. I would go to a dentist that won't give me vampire teeth at the end. That's stupid. Why would I do that? The dentist? Now who's crazy? I mean, come on. I have kids.

I have taken a pediatrician's office. It's way nicer than an adult doctor's office. It's way cooler. You sat on the fire truck, didn't you? I would. I would. If I was given the opportunity, I would. sit on it.

He's been asked not to. If I was given the opportunity, I would sit on it. Writing that one down. It's been asked not to several times. I mean, they have like a PlayStation in the waiting room. Does that happen in it?

Do they want fights? Do you go to your adult doctor? Yeah, that's how you get more business. What's that? You came here for a checkup and now you got a dislocated shoulder to chitin. You go to your adult doctor. You get some.

very, very bad news about a test and you're like, well, I guess we'll have a treatment plan and I'll talk to my next of kin, but let me finish up that game out there because you guys, you had an Echo the Dolphin emulator and I evolved this.

God damn. Yeah, I need something more depressing than my diagnosis. I'm going to play Echo the Dolphin. I'm going to play this shit about being lost in time and my whole family's dead and I'm a dolphin. Yeah. Did you see the guy slow roll in Sonic? today.

There's a guy on Twitter who's like, I paid 66 bucks for this game. I'm not going to rush it. And it was the Sonic game, the open world Sonic game, but he was just walking instead of sprinting, right? He's just creeping with the science. It was some nice scenery. You don't really appreciate the

Green Hills zone as it, you know, whooshes by always. I wanted to mention one thing from the LSU Arkansas game, and that is Harold Perkins. Harold Goddamn Perkins. Harold, Harold Perkins. First of all, if you are a man I'm sorry, Harold Perkins, Jr. He might be older than

Hendon Hooker, I will concede. He might be. Harold Perkins is like a 37-year-old man. But according to eligibility rules, he will be here for a bit. He is not moving on. He is a freshman. Yep. That is a freshman who today, against Arkansas, had four sacks

and four tackles for loss. A ferocious human being when it comes to playing defense. He's unreal like absolutely unreal how are you the scariest person on the defenseman b j ojolari and a dude named micah baskerville a literal spectral hound is on your defense and you there's somebody scarier than that you've you've mentioned harold perkins is a freshman um and and and and and watching him today is indeed every time you you know you look away from the tv he's making another play um same as last

week. And his freshman status is interesting to me because within this calendar year, he was committed to Texas A&M, but he didn't end up there because he ended up at LSU. And it sure seems they could have used Harold Perkins. Granted, anyone could use Harold Perkins, but I imagine it hurts a little bit worse for the Aggies, considering they nearly had Harold Perkins, and now they don't for three years of not having Harold Perkins. They could have used Harold Perkins, senior, frankly. You want all the Harold Perkinses as you can't. Harold Perkins sounds like the guy where you don't have like you have crescent

wrenches in your toolbox, but no socket wrenches and you know that he's got a full set and he won't give you too much shit about borrowing it. Oh, man. Because he's just glad that you, he's just glad that listen, you weren't prepared, but you knew enough to ask for help. I was going to say it sounds like like a 70s British gangster movie. That also works Erald Perkins

Michael Cain is Harold Perkins Wait was that Harry's last name What was Harry's last name? I remember Harold Erald Perkins Erald

Yeah You're the meanest man of Newcast And now they're like And now in Cockney slang They're like modern day pills Like give me some of those hairy perks Ohy gone off batch of Airy Perks.

Sorry, I shouldn't have opened the window for Spencer to do accents. Listen, it doesn't need a window. There is slithering through the pipes. You got this man beatboxing. What is happening here? He's like a squirrel. He compresses body through incredibly small spaces. That is squirrel white.

Like a rat. That little perkins smells a rat. Wait, wait, wait, sorry, once again, we've got to ask, Spencer, what do you think rats do? Are rats squishy squirrels? No, no, no, a rat. A rat can fit through an opening and a wall in a metal, like a metal opening, right, that they choose through. They can fit through an opening the size of a quarter. Yeah.

He's right about that. That's incredibly, wait, what do their ribs do? Don't rats have ribs? They just sort of all. Just make it work, man. Do they just like telescope back? Oh. They just sort of transformer inside, yeah.

They just get hardcore. They just get hardcore with it. Just like we're making it through. That's what that means. Yeah. Currently, by the way, upset alert, end of the third quarter, Arizona 21, UCLA 14. After like weeks of like, boy, USUCL sure looks exciting this year. Well, it might not.

It might not after all. Arizona threw the skylight with the shotgun. Hello. An actual really great game of today elsewhere in this conference was Washington, Oregon. Yes, correct. What on earth happened there? Number 25, Washington pulls out the thrilling victory over number six Oregon

in a back-and-forth game that threatened to become Bo-Nicks-Hisman moment. Our boy suffered a bit of an injury toward the end, but it's an incredible game in which players, on the field were the star of the show until there was a little bit of a change at the very end as packed all the officials decided they should instead get center stage. Oh, thank God. The game came down to an illegal touching call in which an Oregon receiver didn't actually even appear to step out of bounds.

It was so weird. It was so like Fox only had like two angles of this, neither of which could really tell you anything this also came right after an Oregon like I know listen I know you're not supposed to say that anyone's faking an injury you're not supposed to because players get hurt and players cramp and like yes playing football super hard that said an Oregon player after picking up first down immediately went down giving Oregon a basically free time out because the clock had stopped to move the chains and they basically had to go and tell Kalin DeBore like well sorry you found you found the infinite timeout loophole we got to give it to him there's nothing we could do about it he's laying

he's laying there screaming my backiotomy this also happened after Oregon went for it on fourth and one from like their own 34 in a tie game and didn't call a time out even though Bo Nix said he, like, appeared to want to come back in the game. It was, yeah. I think Oregon knew that they did not deserve to win while wearing that particular color combo and acted accordingly.

It was awfully yellow. I like the yellow. I don't like the shininess of the black. Yeah, it's that particular combo that's just, blah. Didn't stop. Matt black with that yellow I would be fine with. Didn't stop. game winning quarterback Michael

Pennix from throwing an interception into the arms of no less than four Oregon defenders in nuke yellow. Like labeled, highlighted, I could not make it more apparent that this is the person you are not supposed to throw to. Oh, it's the, it's the, when you

only get like the eight marker pack, it's that yellow. That's the yellow you get. If something's labeled... Yes. Yeah, if something's labeled this kind of yellow, it's either something you're not supposed to hit on a highway, or it's the boundary

between you and the part of the nuclear plant where you will die in three seconds from gamma exposure. This is where the life preservers are, idiot. Dying three seconds is kind of a best case scenario there. Yeah, and Michael Pennix, just laced an interception right in there,

spicy with it. But he also threw an amazing touchdown pass that put He threw 408 yards, and his team defeated their most hated rival, and, yeah, despite the nuke pick. Yeah. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. And Washington would possibly be in the conversation for the playoff, if not for a fucking seven-point loss to Arizona State? God, it's really not a Pac-12 season until one of the Arizona.

schools has fucked something up precipitously it was like super bad for someone like we said we're on the verge of both of them that's true that's true they're trying you pewful idiots absolutely adore that state's position in the pack 12 as never prospering but always spiteful never prospering but always spiteful i need to check on something that is how many passes it took for Mississippi State to score 12 offensive points against the Georgia Bulldogs. 51. 51 passes for 12 points because they got seven on a kick return at the end of the first half. I thought it was going to be, I thought it was going to be 50 passes for nine points. So you exceeded my expectations. Well done.

The most important thing in this game was Stetson Bennett just absolutely. Absolutely. Shaking a man. Absolutely breaking a man's ankles with his shifty sexual hips. That's upsetting. The sexual male day. Every time I watch,

every time I watch Tedson and Benet play quarterback and thrive, I'm like, someone stop this man. He can't keep getting away with this. He can't keep the rampage must end at one point. I'm telling you, man. The fucking. Heisman moment for this dweeb is

putting the fucking shimmy on the I hope I hope the reason the Ravens don't want to pay Lamar Jackson is they're like we want Stetson. Stetson could do all of that for cheap. We got the same

guy coming up at college and he's and he's like three months younger too which is great for us he's got a sick ass truck he's got such a sick truck have you ever seen him a tall boy the most beautiful thing you'll ever see death in venice starring it's like it's like

getting dunked on by paul riser it's fucking great like imagine if paul riser just fucking damned on you that's that's a minute shaking your ass in the open field seriously man this like 25 year old like third-tier country club pro in residence just out there absolutely destroying people what I want. Cooking, just cooking! No, like don't, I'm not, I'm laughing about it, but he's absolutely frying, motherfucker. He had Russian touchdowns tonight again. It's great. I synced it. It's great. He's Schrodinger's dog. I don't at all think he's bad, to be clear. It's just universally acknowledged he should not be doing any of the things he does it feel it doesn't make sense but that's part of why it's amazing against tennessee i watched him whip out like a 55 yarder like with a minimal bit of wrist action

like oh that wasn't even the worst part man i'll tell you when i knew we were fucking doomed is when their first score in that game was stetson bennett fucking noted scrambling threat guy whose nickname is the mailman just fucking ambling in for a rushing touch touchdown. Texas A&M has nine rushing touchdowns this year. Stetson Bennett has seven. Let's go. Let's go.

They should have offered him, shouldn't they? They should. But also, in case anyone accuses me, I'm not believing in Stets and Bennett. I do still hold a Heisman bet on him. Jason, did you see the Heisman watch today that ran on, it was during one of the CBS games and I only remember it because and God loved them both but it was like Heisman Watch and it featured

two players C.J. Stroud and Hendon Hooker. Oh no those are the wrong two. That's a I understand appreciate them both, love them both however. I understand the sensibility and the optimism of hoping the race will come down to

those individuals but it's not what's going to happen. It's just not. No. Acknowledge him. Does the tribal chiefs, Detson Bennett? He'll drive up there for the ceremony, whether you invite him or not. And is Kia? Yep.

Oh, and he's, listen, he's going to, like, he's going to score in the national championship when Georgia wins again, and he's going to hit a gritty, and no one's going to contain it. It's going to be perfect. It's going to be flawless. And Mike is sick. He's going to be like, God damn it. It can't be done. I don't I don't hate it

I don't hate it I can't hate it I just want to note that how improbable and persistent the Stetson Bennett phenomena is he could do this he could be the only guy who won a championship this year and at the end they'll be like so you're out of eligibility he's like no I'm not

he's not back for more he's back for more it's rain of terror we're never in you're sorry you were free of him I know, and there's Kirby who's like, he's going to get an F-150 lightning, and he's going to look so pretty in it. I have officially adopted him. Yeah. The son I never knew I had.

Oh, God. Yeah. Did we miss anything? No, I don't think we missed a damn thing unless you want to count. I do have one question that Jason can probably answer. What the fuck's going to happen with the group five spot? Probably UCF. Okay.

Yeah, they're in good shape in the AAC, already ranked and beat a ranked team on the road. It's probably easy. So, hey, Auburn, here you're in the market for a head coach. Might ought to keep an eye on that New Year's Six game. See if there's anybody worth picking up. Oh, boy. I don't know, man. Speaking of dealerships, they could stand to look a lot closer to home.

Mm-hmm. Get yourself a nice catalog. Oh, you know the one thing we didn't discuss today is this? We didn't talk about two extremely stupid things that happened. I mean, we touched on it just a little bit in terms of LOL, Oklahoma, but. Was it, was it Arkansas possibly? I haven't seen this confirmed. Was it Arkansas possibly responding to frost on the field with turning on the sprinklers?

I did. No, I did like, yeah, they did. And it kind of just made things worse. Yeah? I like LSU having a gigantic thing of chicken broth, which Nick Baumgartner of the athletic and several other northerners were laughing. this and I was like sorry y'all didn't think of this delicious tasty treat first haters you never know when a sudden cold snap might drive it down to 45 and listen it's 45 just by the river man yeah it's a harsh 45 it's a brood don't understand I think it was actually 53 degrees at the time

the temperature fell over the course of the game and they came out with like a bunch of chicken broth. Well, what's funny is like, it might get cloudy. Is like, northerners are all like, ah, these idiot southerners. And meanwhile, they're like, oh, this is also the thing I pay $22 for at lunch. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I want to know who's going to carry the chicken broth over into the hot season, right?

Like, what LSU players? Like, I need to get my broth on. It's like, can't play without it anymore. They're like, dude, it's 98 degrees. I need my hot broth Broth me It brought me Soup

Come on over here Just ladling it at him Yeah coach Coach is not going to be Coach is not going to be at the press conference He's very badly injured From all the hot broth Dumped on him

Just got a squirt bottle of chowder Boston College did win today It did Chowder me Well Whoa whoa whoa What were you trying to do just there nothing we could just keep moving what was the other what was the weird thing

you saw uh the other weird thing was this and it's not i mean it is weird um is this did you actually see the end of vandy kentucky yes you mean the part where you mean the part where vandy completed a like prayer on fourth down uh-huh and the part where kentucky could not move the ball at all with will levis uh-huh yeah yeah i did see these things yeah we're with the The game on the line, it was like, and we'll levis to the comeback, and it's over. Like, yeah. Because he got annihilated on a blitz. Yeah.

Couldn't do anything, could go anywhere. That offensive line is absolute ass. Kentucky has completely collapsed. No, I mean, like, if you look at the box score of this game does not show like, oh, lucky Vanderbilt, like, made a player or two. It's like, no, they mostly just beat the shit out of them. Mm-hmm. Out gained him, in the air, on the ground, like, were actually the sloppier team, had more penalties and more turnovers, held the ball for an extra seven minutes, way better on third down than Kentucky was, like, completely deserved to win this game. And Kentucky is now, it feels weird to say, but it's in the midst of, like, a bad season, even though they're going to go to a bowl game.

yeah uh started off 4-0 beat florida yep that is the thing that happened yep and then uh then contracted some sort of infection by losing to mississippi and uh in a in a super stupid what like blew the mississippi game like gave up gave up four points on special teams and and and and blew two opportunities to score in the red zone late in the game and by the red zone i mean like inside the fifth the 10 or some shit got obliterated by Tennessee to beat Missouri but through the most bullshit possible. That's

not. Listen, before today, before because again, remember somebody has to break the streak against someone. Yeah. Like you're just going to, someone has to, someone is going to run out of chairs. Sure. When the music stops and you're going to lose to Vanderbilt and that was Kentucky. But before this, remember, Kentucky

also lost to South Carolina. Something very stupid is going to happen in the Kentucky Louisville game this year. i don't know what it is but it's going to be incredibly stupid switch coaches i thought you meant like never mind yeah i am weird that's fine no it's just a complete just a complete collapse uh for kentucky because that offensive line cannot block anything and go on mike right who after losing his job through the game when he touchdown and had a brilliant game going for more than a hundred

yards on the ground and having a nice tidy 180 and change through the air. We have always been fans of the doors in Yukon. Listen, the entire full cast attended Yukon Vandy. I think that's one of maybe two games that we've all collectively been to together. So that says something. And it's probably good. Careful, Ryan. Might have irony poisoning.

And yeah, that's true. I do. Since then, since then it's been nothing but up. Hill for both programs. Yep. Not for us. No, not for us. No, actually hasn't.

No. But for both programs? Yeah. So if your programs are currently in the gutter, what I'm saying is this, Texas A&M, have us, give us a luxury box, give us sideline passes. I don't want to go to A&MUMAX. Don't say have us. I definitely don't want to go to A&MU mass. Give us the luxury box for A&MUMS.

We will be there. Three years. that's the national title game Texas A&M versus UMass the rematch The sad thing is Somebody there will think about it They'll be like

Well we've tried everything else We might as well get the four dumbest assholes possible It's sure cheaper Than firing jimbo It is A lot cheaper Okay let's just entertain this

If UMass beats Texas San Francisco I know what I just said. I know what I just said. Let's go. No, let's go. All right, let's ride this dragon. Can that, like, at that point, does money even matter?

Is money even real? Money doesn't matter now. Right. Money's not real. Good evening, Jay Arnold's repeated tear emotion. But, like, if that happens. And I will point out, UMass almost beat Arkansas State today. That's Arkansas State.

the way that is our uh this is going to be at least a 30 point spread so yeah if if a and m drops like that has is a five touchdown the favorite like you can't if you get to monday and if you you haven't fired him like why why come on you must be great there's something make what will happen you know this is going to happen there's going to be a point in in the first quarter of that game where it's like, uh-oh, UMass is up 3-0. This shit's happening.

Everybody turned to SEC Network alternate. We're usually watching card sharks or some shit. You know how high the bar of funniest thing in college football history is? It feels like we see that every week. But when you think about all 150 plus years of history, that is a high, high, high bar. This would be an instant immediately.

and might actually be the funniest thing in the history of college football. Come on, Doug Brown. Mathematically, it has to be. It's up there. It would be amazing. It would be amazing. I know it won't happen, but... No, you don't.

Not technically... No, I'm pretty confident it's not going to happen. I've already attempted to jinx it online by crediting A&M with the victory of you. I'm counting you out, UMass. no one believes you I mean you know no one believes in you and you know why but still like your only conference win

is because Arkansas kicked the the weirdest field goal I've ever seen in my life Arkansas had to bounce a field goal off the top of the uprights that's where your conference win comes from fuck me yeah that's that's amazing

I am so thrilled that this is even a possibility because one of my great joys in life is when people set money on fire and what is an even funnier result than than somebody who paid $95 million for you to coach their team paying you $95 million to go away and then doubling down and paying the next guy more but that's going to happen and like we're probably this one we're probably going to see Iowa in the Big Ten championship game too. Kirk Farrants will be like... I did it again. It looked like I accomplished all my goal. Once again, once again, the Iowa system worked. Given time, given time to process meat, the meat was processed.

The meat processed itself thanks to gravity. Just waiting... This is like when the garbage takes itself out by rotting through the can. Look. It's done. I did it. The hole in the floor is where the garbage

melted into... Oh, sorry. for composting yeah um one last note i do have one last note uh which is um USC and colorado played on friday night and um after a i think they were up 34 10 34 10 um USC decided instead of kicking it up 34 10 in the third quarter they decided to uh fake it and fake it and fake the kick. The holder went in for the score and then did a flip to

celebrate a successful two-point conversion to which I say if you don't like it, stop it. Sorry. Damn. Colorado, you have a lot of things to not like. I wish he had grabbed the camera and been like, fuck Eli Drinkwoods.

That's it. It'd be like, wow, everybody. Jeez. Nerd. So unnecessary. I bet even nerds hit Eli Drinkwitz like they get like you know they sort of like apply you have Bill's number call him I don't know yeah come on mazou I know this is nerd on nerd violence I just need to zero in on what kind of nerd on nerd violence right one last thing there was so the big time's been putting out all these videos about like we ask these coaches

like relatively simple questions but because their coaches and their brains are completely different. This week's was, if you weren't coaching football, what would you do? And most people gravitated towards Jim Harbaugh saying he'd be a lawnsman. Yeah. But the secret best one, which somebody pointed out to me, was like, Pat Fitzgerald said, I would be a high school PE teacher, and I would teach a little driver's ed, and I would coach football.

So even in the world where they say, Pat Fitzgerald, what would you do if you don't coach football? Pat Fitzgerald's like, oh, I'd be a football. Pat Fitzgerald coach is the Spencer Hall School of Listening. I'm going to work my way up through the ranks. I'm going to start in middle school. Then I'm going to come the JV coach. And then the next thing you know, I'm coaching at a D3 school maybe. And then I'm the coach at Northwestern for 25 years.

I could not comprehend even the make-believe world in which he is not a football coach. Couldn't accept it. I wonder if they're like, all right. They're like, coach, you can't work in education at all, right? Like, because that's too closely related to football. CFL, I'd be going to CFO then. No, they have. It's Canadian football.

That's different. You can't, you can't coach American football. Oh, well, they got the Japanese League. They got American football in Japan. Oh, no, you can't coach football anywhere in the world while I jump into the computer machine. I'd live in Madden, and I'd just be a coach there. Probably, I'll take a rugby in turn. into football.

Yeah, I'd legalize the forward pass in rugby. And also, we wear helmets. I'd go back in time, and I'd punch Teddy Roosevelt right in the throat for legalizing the forward pass. Ruin the game. For making football too unionized. I know that they have Paul Chris' answers, but they take it out because he's been fired. Yes.

So when he said, what would you be if you weren't a football coach? Don't tell me. Don't spoil the dream of me saying that Paul Chris definitely said, oh, I'd be the night panther, the voice in the dark, the one who stalks those who dare to violate the oath of the night's solitude. Is this, is this, is this a superhero that he is like actively trying to like sell a script of? Yeah, 100%.

They're like, oh, you don't know about the night panther? Oh, you don't know about night panther? Is that like the black panther? No, no, no, no, no, completely different character. It does not infringe. Does not. He's substantially thicker and denser. because he's a chunky, he's a chunky superhero representation is important.

Beautiful coat, beautiful coat. He wears a black sweatshirt. He's a very lustrous. He actually wears just like whatever car art he has handy. He's very flexible in that way. It's the same suit except it's cut off the knees like he's wearing shorts. So you can see his legs so you know there's a real guy in there. Yeah, because he's got popping caps.

And he lives in a bigger color. he lives in a magical technical utopia called Wisconsin. It's amazing. His best friend is Lake Man. It's like Aquaman.

He lives in a lake man. And he can jump from just the one. Get this. He can jump from any lake to any other lake. So if there's crime happening during the trajectory,

he can encounter it and apprehend the villain. But if he misses, he will have to wait for the villain to cross between the routes between two lakes. Tom Allen said he would be a youth pastor, which I interpreted as Tom Allen saying, only God can save Indiana football.

He's wrong about that. Oh, God can't. He just won't. No, he won't. I think that was likewise a sneaky backdoor to coaching more football. Uh-huh. It was, yeah. You know what would help these boys and understanding God and help them along their path?

I think working as a team together. three minutes into Tom Allen doing Bible study. Who wants Flay flag football? Oh yeah, no, he's just getting back at it. Unlike Paul Chris, the only honest man,

because he's like, what I really want to be as a superhero. I actually kind of hate football. I just did football to get a big pile of money so I could fund my passion project. Yeah, which is ice fishing

as the Knight Panther. So we got this villain called the, called the no-beer guy who he's trying to do prohibition and so I kill him in the first five minutes

and then that's where I'm stuck is because like I couldn't let that guy live longer than five minutes for trying to take away my bush light ooh I hate that guy what did what did Brett Bilema say

because my first guy marketing he said he said he had a marketing degree so he would like he would go into some sort of business marketing. Only fans is what I'm hearing. You want to see some shit? Every, uh,

every, every off ramp from this particular voice, Jason is straight to hell. Straight to fucking hell. That's exactly what I was thinking. Yeah. Uh, all right. I, uh, I'm good if y'all are.

The Night Panther calls to you. The Night Panther calls to us. He locked himself out. The Night Panther calls means I'm going to drink seven beers now. You can find me in the Brandy Cave. You need me. Coach, that's a rip-off of the Bat Cave. No.

No. Stop saying that. Wisconsin had brandy caves long before. Coach, Wisconsin's a rip-off of Nebraska. Stop saying these things to me. I'll sick the night panther on me. You're making the night panther furious. You won't like the night panther.

Meanwhile, the Big Ten, the Big Ten camera crew is like, we can't use any of this. They have to fire him. We can't use any of this. Oh, God. The Big Ten's going to get sued into a... They have to let Jim Leonard take over. We can't use this. Jim Leonard, well, but what they don't know is that Jim Leonard is the night panther.

Oh, you mean Jim Leopard, the secondary character, the side king? my god so it's coach this sounds like you've made him sort of a robin character stop telling me these things you're responsible for this

no I don't want to know shit about comics I just want to talk about the night panther the night panther by the way is you know an inherited title like fly panther the night panther comes from Barry Alvarez like he was the original night panther

but he's like too fat and old to do it now but sometimes Barry like gets the urge and he's like tonight I'm the night panther and then like you know they have to pick him up because he's injured himself getting you know falling up the sidewalk of the 7-11 yeah but whenever he says it he is he's like what are you going to do yep yeah it's very it's the original night panther look at him man that's the original night panther i smell brought worse and despair of the air there's got to be a cocktail called night panther right there is now there is now we're going to make it there is now it's a brandy

Alexander with a brot in it on ice double we have to go we have to be done yes all right thank you all for joining us and this will be up in the morning thanks to our no it won't you fucking lie what a light wait if you're dug under the

fucking bus it'll be up in 7 a.m. says man not responsible for that in any way shape or form it'll be up a morning this is probably how NASA if it doesn't get lost again, which already happened once this week. This is how NASA felt when JFK was like we're sending a man to the moon. They're like,

we, you ain't doing shit, motherfucker. I'm doing all the work. You don't even know how to do math. What kind of fucking promises are you making? Are you drunk right now? Many of you may die in this war, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. We do not post the episode in the morning because it is easy.

Spencer, the episode will be up. What the fuck are you talking about? He's good to promise things. People like that's what I've learned from politics. I mean, to be fair, that's how you end up with a $95 million contract, so maybe you're right. That's right. This is Spencer's version of holding up the plaque that says National Champions 2-0 blank-blank. We've had a player in every Super Bowl except for five of them, okay?

All right, go to bed, everybody. Good night. Let me die. Thank you.