Shutdown Fullcast - Fullcast On The Dan Le Batard Show Part 1

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Last week, the Shutdown Fullcast filled in for The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz. They covered Halloween decorations, the worst sports media personalities for calling kids on their birthdays, the renaming of “Sir Big Spur” in South Carolina, a riveting game of “Guess The Fake Musical,” and a whole lot more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Chewy.com slash Dan. That's Chewy.com slash Dan to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewy.com slash Dan. Minimumum purchase required, new customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details. Folks, Smearnoff, I love it. Smirnoff knows there's no eye in football. It's a wee thing. Best enjoyed with good drinks and great company. Home or away, we rally together, cry together, and always rally cry together because there's no eye in fandom. Smyranoff, the world's number one vodka is perfect for easy, delicious cocktails for fans over 21, as the official vodka partner of the NFL. Smyrnoff's award-winning taste has been igniting the collective spirit since 1864.

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podcast, foldcast. We're doing a hybrid thing, everybody. Christmas always. Always crisp. Always. Landed it straight on the carrier, all three pieces of landing gear down. Have you guys seen Splice the movie? No.

Okay. Yeah. That's probably a good thing. It's probably a good thing. I was trying to think of the first human-animal hybrid movie that came to mind. And it turns out to be one where Adrian Brody ends up trying to bone the human animal hybrid

he's been raising as his own daughter. This is exactly what I wanted to talk about today. This somehow skated under the radar. Is this the movie where she just looked at him and goes, inside you? Yes! Okay, I do remember that. I do.

For all of the wrong reasons. There's an alphabet record playing in the background. That's an amazing, amazing way to start the show. I am Spencer Hall of the shutdown full cast and several other properties including Metal Arc Media's own DNF with Jessica Smetana

carrying all of you sons of bitches back there on her back the world's best F1 podcast. We are members of the internet's only college football podcast which is why they have us here today ahead of week zero

in college football. The sport so good that we have a week that doesn't even really count. A week so good where we do what most restaurants do. The NFL has four of those. What are you talking about? No, no, no, listen. The NFL doesn't put Duquesne out there. What if they could? Are you telling me they wouldn't if they could? We're doing DeCain again? Again. Okay. Yeah. Just the one school I can remember that's playing, right? It's Florida State Duques. I'm doing that for the Miami people who are like, today I get to like blatantly pander to Keynes fans, which is awesome. It means I don't have to

I don't have to know anything. Are you confident that bears would be? Duquesne? No. I am not. Not in the least. Beat, yes, but not score on somehow. We got reminded by Reader James Coleman 46 minutes ago that the last time Duquesne played an FBS school in Florida, they won the Orange Bowl, bet accordingly. Yeah, whatever the line is, y'all. Craft Kings! I'll quote Mike Ruiz here. That's a lot of points. That's my favorite, that's my favorite Mike Ruiz lies. Whatever it comes up on a line, he's like, that's a lot of point. It's always a lot of points. especially when you're a Miami fan and you don't have to know anything

you don't have to know anything to buy it it's like I'm not making fun of you I am jealous of your freedom you could just enter Kane's fandom with a hand sign and enthusiasm vibes only sometimes you need a costume when

at a phone party sometimes that's what they wear all the time it's like hey you need to dress up like Indiana Jones but in Miami colors for some reason Sometimes you need to be a stormtrooper. Yeah.

A stormtrooper with Mardi Groth flare. Yeah. Because, you know, you just got out of the academy, but you want to keep it festive. Yeah. What academy. I think you need that and you need a system that judges all college football teams based on how many NFL pro bowlers they later produced. Like, you have to retroactively assign national championships based on that.

Tennessee should start thinking about adopting that program. or not it's been it's so early it's so early for you to start this shit with me what's fine I got Michael Felder going on television and saying Tennessee's going to win 10 games this year

I don't need this I don't need this on my heart that's your playoff pick that's not my fault doesn't matter that matter's coming anyway you're on this team should explain for people who are new to this program that we picked our playoff teams by rolling a 20-sided die and I got my alma mater

nope we picked them based on what our serious personal analysis, our actual sincere opinions. Preparietary stats that we can't share because my other playoff pair is pick is Vanderbilt. That's correct. That's true. If you want those proprietary stats, subscribe to Channel 6, the newsletter, $10 a month for the most complicated statistical analysis guaranteed to get you gambling, winnings, description, not legal, may not apply to said website.

The state of Tennessee is kind of like a football vacuum, and therefore it's sucking in all the football talent, all the football goodness from the surrounding states. I'm going to turn you upside down and shake you. There's nothing there. Ryan, you've made the first ever argument that like Tennessee can recruit in the modern era. There's not a lot of talent being sucked toward Tennessee.

Okay, this is actually, I think you may have accidentally stumbled onto an explanation of how several programs managed to be historically great. Because if you look across the history of college football, look at the teams that have been good in the sort of pre-modern, modern era since 1950.

Most of them are places that have had negative population growth or that you do not want to go or have other serious issues societally, culturally, and economically. So let's just go ahead and look at the great programs. Nebraska, my point proves itself, a vast sucking noise somewhere in Nebraska drew talent to Lincoln for over 30 to 40 years of success. Oh, people just love the tricameral legislature, my dude. People love it.

They're crazy for it. I'm sorry. I'm going to derail this completely because talk of my home state makes me Twitch. Hobby Lobby is trending again today. Yes. One of our, I'm not going to steal Hobby Lobby. What did you see? I'm not going to look at why.

I'm just going to say speaking of Indiana Jones. I really hope they've tried to steal something else. If you're not familiar, Hobby Lobby, a small craft store that eventually formed into one of the world's biggest theft thieves of antiquity, one of the biggest crime rings when it came to stealing the treasures of Sumeria, Babylon, and other ancient empires. That's what the American dream is.

I started a small craft shop so that we could steal the antiquities of ancient Eurasia. Am I jealous that we didn't think of this first? Kind of. I hope whatever they stole was French so that we get to hear a bunch of French officials go, Oby-Lubi. Obie.

Obie. Do that Lord. Obie-Lubi-Lubi. It looks like they are trending because they are openly calling for a theocracy and Christo-fascism. Oh, that's new. I liked it more when they did it subtly by like raiding antiquity. Live, laugh, Leviticus. That's what I've got on my wall.

How would you think, look, okay, listen, I'd buy a print of Gilgamesh if it was in that live, laugh, love font. I think, yeah, I would do. I just put it up on the wall. I would buy all kinds of sports quotes if you could put them in. Because Leviticus is sports, right? What if we went through every locker? Man, going through all the locker rooms in the offseason and just changing all the quotes on the wall to sorority fonts.

Oh, yes. Oh, my God. There's your piss hot, right? Get your piss hot. I'm sorry? The new font is now, it's like an all caps, very tall lettering. And it's all in all these mugs at Habilah. Oh, it kind of looks like Among Us, right?

Yeah, like it's like the Among Us font. It's like blessed. Like I was at home goods the other day And it was like on this plate And it was like Taco dirty to me And like Hutt Hack

There's a new font The sorority font It's no longer swoopy It's very straight And very narrow And it's on all caps Okay Okay

They're saving the swoopy For the custom neon signs Thank you for reminding me Of the greatest piece of signage I've ever seen In one of these establishments This was in Leeds Alabama So I don't know how it didn't get burned

To the ground Because this is Auburn country But it says and as for me in my house, we will serve tacos. Jess, how many home goods trips are you making in a month? It's almost Halloween, man. Yeah, Halloween stuff came out last month, actually, the end of July. So I have been stalking.

We've never talked about this on the air. We have similar interests here. The giant, are you talking about our giant friend? No, I'm talking about 17 annual trips to buy Halloween decorations at low, low prices. I love Halloween. I will go apeshit for candy corn colored cupcake holders, for Halloween colored sprinkles, for anything with a skull on it or a skeleton.

I'm going... Are you a big fan of the neighbor who just puts out murder? There's inevitably one person in the neighborhood who just decides that I'm going to put a crime scene in my front yard because that's what I've always wanted to do. Kids love it. And I'm going to call it Halloween. Chris Woodingham just calls it practice.

Hey, listen, if you had a kill room and you had a live, laugh, love thing, you'd laugh, right? Like, if you woke up in someone's kill room and you're like, ah. What's the point of having a kill room and not enjoying it? Yeah. Like, if Dexter got you, but you look up and they got like a... This is why Dexter sucked. He took no pleasure in this. Right.

Like, why is there an espresso in this kill room? He didn't love the game. He didn't love the game. Like, you're about, you're about to get. Dexter didn't have. have the want to. You're about to get slaughtered by the county's most prolific serial killer and you look up and they've just got like a couple of really nice neon like, you know, swoopy, you know, joy. You look up and you're like, oh, I talked to him before he had his coffee. That's why this is happening. That's why this is happening. It's always about manners. The morning was there. If I'd just been polite. If you just been polite. Oh, Hobby Lobby took out a full page newspaper ad. calling for... Lobby, Lobby.

Man, that's festive. Dave Tek and the penis of Napoleon. We would like to request this artifact back. It is very important to us. It's very important. Honestly, I don't know how many artifacts they still have. It is the only thing holding his ghost on the Isle of Enca. Wait, like a physical anchor or like a psychic anchor?

A both. We have exiled him through his Horcocks. Somebody's gesturing wildly in the control room. Are we in trouble? Napoleon's penis sponsors this segment. This is the second episode this week

where we're going to get into weird Ghostbusters sexual theatrics. Welcome to Week Zero of college football season. Oh, yes. That's definitely what we're here to talk about. Hobby Lobby, by the way, buys antiquities because as of... Bies.

Bies. I'm convinced they're doing that because what they're trying to do is take out the competition if they are really think about it they they're into two things crafts and extremely extremely enthusiastic evangelical Christianity so if they're into those two things what are they going to need to corner the market on other religions and crafts what are like what's the apex of crafts that's right ancient relics they're just going to acquire it all okay I'm going to I'm going to say one thing in their defense devil's advocate here wow I think any no hang on hang on hang on I'm going some worth this

I think anybody anywhere should be able to steal antiquities from England and it's not a crime. That's fair. Under international backsease protocol. Absolutely. I like the idea that Michaels is the less accomplished little brother store to Hobby Lobby, so they're trying to steal ancient texts, but they're all forged. Joanne Fabrics wants a word. Michaels is also the lapsed Catholic of craft stores.

Nope, let's unpack this. Go. St. Michaels. St. Michael's. Yeah, where it's like, yeah, I'm still unpacking a lot of shit. literally and emotionally. Yeah. Trying to tick up.

I've got this wire and these blocks of foam. I'm going to figure it all out. So all those framing coupons are really just cries for help. Uh-huh. Yeah, I go to church on Christmas with my parents, but I don't take communion because I'm just not into it anymore. See, in so many, like, Catholic heavy parts of Europe, this makes you a totally fine Catholic.

See, I think the actual reason why Hobby Lobby is going after these relics is because they are anti-crafts. Like, if you think about relics, the whole thing about a relic is that it's one of one. Well, unless it's like a saint's finger, in which case it's one of ten. But still, it's extremely limited edition. These are the original NFTs.

Thank you for the specificity, Ram. But non-fungible toes is what they were called back in the day. So, Ryan, you're saying Hobby Lobby is being extremely anti-Catholic by attempting to remove relics from the marketplace entirely. Because, like, if people, the more people spend, on relics, the less they will spend on crafts that we can make thousands of.

You don't want people... You don't want people to be into these like, oh, I have like this this, I have the only copy of this thing and it's like, no, we want you to we want to sell a thousand of these. Unfair slander. I am not anti-Catholic.

I love it because there's... There's so many relics that are like there kind of are a thousand of them. Yeah. exactly like and i think another thing by the way i'm not anti-catholic because again i did that's a throwback to an earlier episode i was just trying to shoehorn it in okay they don't know that i know you know that's what makes it funny oh uh spencer i have a quick question for you yes would my favorite game guess the fake musical yes i would i have two rounds of this game i don't have

an air horn this morning so the way it works for everybody uh who hasn't listened to this game before, I'm going to read a synopsis of three musicals. Two of them are real, like Broadway real, not three shows in Tucson real. One of them is fake, and I made it up. And Spencer has to guess which one is fake. He is surprisingly good at this for somebody who hates musical theater. Somebody who says he hates musical theater, but loves wrestling. I'm deeply embarrassed by it. Okay. All right. Are you ready? He's seen lame is like five times. Round one. Is that Wrestling or musical theater? No, musical theater is deeply embarrassing.

Wrestling is divine. Wrestling is the highest form of art. Yeah, and embarrassing. Round one, here are your three choices. Identify the fake musical, please. Okay. Show one, Van Ghost. After suffering severe pneumonia, Paul Sazon, lies on the brink of death.

He slips in and out of consciousness, reflecting on his career, until he is visited by the ghost of a contemporary. Vincent Van Gogh, who implores him to recover and create one. last painting. Can I pause you for a second? Like, I know that if it were real, that would really, like, it would suck and I would hate sitting through it. That is such an awesome idea.

That is so metal. Like for a musical or for real life? Both. It's so awesome. Like, if that happened to me, if I was, like, dying and, you know, Vincent Van Gogh popped up and was like, hey, bro, I feel like this is the best thing that ever happened. So excited. Show 2.

Into the Light. James Prescott, a physicist. from Los Alamos is attempting to prove or disprove the truth of the Shroud of Turin. His obsession with his task strains his relationship with his wife and his young son. Okay. Show three,

Milk and Honey. The story of a busload of lonely American widows hoping to catch husbands while touring Israel set against the backdrop of the country's struggle for recognition as an independent nation. I'm going to say that two. Two is the fake musical.

Into the light, the one about the Shroud of Turin. No, that sounds real. I'm going to go the first one. The first one. Van Ghost is the fake musical. Great job. Damn.

How does he do this? I do it every time. Pardon me. Hang on. Oh, I got the trumpet fanfare. It's a levitar show now, baby. Ironly, Hobby Lobby owns the Shroud of Turin now.

Yeah. What kind of songs do you sing about like doing academics on the shroud of Turin? It doesn't matter. Listen, man, they made a musical about chess. Yeah, you can, you can. And it's amazing. You can write a bad song about anything. I'm unfamiliar with this world.

So, like, I guess the idea of writing songs about, like, we're testing the freaking DNA and what have you on this ancient garment. Let me see if I can find some of the songs. I mean, I guess they're a Jurassic Park song, so, like, DNA music isn't that weird? Let's see. Here are some of the musical numbers. I'm just going to tell you the titles. The data.

Oh, yeah, that's a good. It can all be explained to measure the darkness. There are several songs called The Testing. This is the nerdiest musical. Yeah, this isn't great. This is AP musical. Played 13 previews and closed after six performances. Why?

Yeah, why? Too good. Too good to live. Spencer, do you want to do round two of this? There's only two rounds today. Okay, yeah, I can, I know. I'll nail round two. Let's go. Okay.

Here are your three musicals. Via Galactica, a futuristic story of social outcast living on an asteroid in the year 2972. One of them is a space sanitation man who collects trash in a garbage ship called the Helen of Troy. No, that one's real. I'm just going to call it. That one's absolutely real. Man on the moon. An American astronaut leads a mission of interplanetary dignitaries to prevent the destruction of the universe by a bomb that has been

placed on the moon by an evil scientist. Awesome. Mm-hmm. And number three, cosmonaut Chivago. A young, newly married Russian doctor is drafted into the Bolshevik space militia, falls in love with an intergalactic traveler, and saves a space colony from destruction with poetry. God, that's such a sick plot. Which one is face?

That's so awesome, and I bet it sucks so hard. I'm going to say the second one, because it's the least crazy. Man on the Moon was real. God damn! That's the first one you've gotten wrong. It was written by one of the Mamas and the Papa's singers. Andy Warhol was the producer. That's why it's ass.

Closed after two performances with horrible reviews. Cosmonaut Chavago is the fake musical. That should be real. That's great work, Ryan, because that one is about like the power of words. We'll save the universe. which is the type of shit writers, right? Oh, 100%. That's good.

That's very sneaky. The only thing that would make it more musical is this. We need to work New York because remember, every musical has this blatant suck-up to New York number. Space New York. Right, even. Space New York. It's the greatest place in the world. We found a planet that's nothing but New York.

Singing to New Yorkers and people who are here because it's New York. That happens in Super Mario Odyssey. It does. Super Mario Odyssey is a musical. But yeah, you should write. that. The end of it's a musical. Like, Choracant is just Space New York.

Yeah. That's all it is. And look what happens. Yeah. It went great. And the Jedi are DJs. And now it's become Space New Mexico. We just test

bombs on it. Was it? Wasn't Space Texas before? Space Dallas? Yeah, maybe. It's like Space El Paso. Okay. God, Space Dallas would be grim. space Vegas in the last Jedi was lit. I know it was supposed to be like, oh, it kind of is. Yeah, like space Vegas was in

last Jedi. The Death Star, yeah. The Death Star is space Dallas Fort Worth Airport, I would argue. It's nothing but halls. How long have we said that Dallas is just Nashville with more office buildings? That is the Death Star. I think the exhaust port that saves the day, that's Fort Worth.

Guys. That's the Con Lodge. Cantobite is not. Space Vegas. It's Space Monaco. Get it right. Thank you for the correction. We have got, it is long past time this show started getting some live fact-checking.

You couldn't, you couldn't get like a 64-ounce beer and can ofite, right? Like, that's probably not happening. Hey, man, do you want to sit in every week? None of us have good radio voices. BB8 is kind of shaped like a party ball. Rolling cake. Oh, man, if you could tap BB8, like if they just did that, like you know

they've done that. Now I want to see BBA drunk. What you really should do is using cocktails, right? Like you don't want to put beer in BBA, but you could definitely use him as like a mixing device. Well, Artur did he serves drinks on Java's party bar, remember? But is he making them or is he just? No, he's got a little drink.

Hell yeah, bro. He's a little in-table. Yeah. He's getting people trashed, right? Because think about that. When Java gets drunk, when Java dies, he's definitely hammered. Like, he's definitely trashed off his ass when he dies, right? And getting choked by a lady in a bikini.

which like 30% of the guys watching that movie are like way to go. Jerry Jones watched this and he was like, that's what I'm going to live my whole life like that. I'm going to get there. My whole life. A lot of guys watch that and say, I'm going to become a hut. I'm going to have a party barge and I'm going to have an empty hole

that I dropped my enemies into that eats him. Does BB8 count as a vehicle? If so, is he able to... You can't ride him. Well, like, is he able to transport himself while intoxicated? Can he operate himself while filled without alcohol? Can robots get DUIs, is your question? Yeah, I realize this is very, like, this is more like an Asimov-level spiritual question.

Yeah, because this goes straight into whether robots have free will. Oh, robots definitely in Star Wars universe have free will. R2D2 is just like an enormous asshole for most of the series. 3PO is aware of his free will, but denies it. He's very Calvinist. Oh, man, yes. He's like kind of resents that he has free will. What's the name of the robot and Star Wars?

Wars Rebels, who is absolutely the demonstration that there is free will and it could be malicious. Chopper. Chopper. Chopper. Thank you. C-110p. Yeah. Chopper commits murder

in that. Okay? Now, it's attempted murder because it's not exactly successful. Because a rival robot shows up and actually does his job well. And the crew expressed their satisfaction and affection for this droid. And the droid's like, I think I got your job, Chopper.

And they're overlooking like a beautiful planet that they're leaving. An open hatch. And Chopper's like, ha, ha, boom! And just knocks him out and just, just kills him because he was going to take his job. Like, they have free will and they can be malicious. Chopper makes R2D2 look very congenial. Correct.

He's an asshole. Chopper's an asshole, man. I love Chopper. Chopper's the dream. What do you do? I do my job poorly. And then I take out 10,000 stormtroopers at once. Chopper makes R2 look like the footstool of the bourgeoisie.

Running dog of the Rebel Alliance. All right. So wait, if robots in the Star Wars universe have free will, does that mean like, is IG 88 a bounty hunter because he loves it? Yes. Yeah, man. Love of the game. Okay.

Do you have to pay robots in the Star Wars universe? Yeah. Yeah. IG88 takes credits, man. Right. But like, does 3PO have money? If he does, he's just an idiot. it with. But he's like very aristocratic

and feudal like, you know, like paying him with like honor and dignity and shit. He likes that. He thinks that's currency, you know? Yeah, what would he expect? There are some labor issues here I'm not comfortable with. Yeah, well like the lady robot in Solo, right? Like if her

and 3PO were to have a debate, she would radicalize him in seconds. Sure. Yeah. I don't know about that. I feel like he'd snitch her out. Like, he'd go along with it

then he'd turn around and say hey humans this one over here is trying to organize an uprising he would three three pio's a tory right at heart like he's one of those guys he's one of those guys like apply maids to the problem

when he like stumbles upon the stormtrooper in empire he is like oh we're not doing anything we're just uh please don't bother us in no way is he like oh you I'm going to you up no he's like he has a moment

he's had his moments like whenever they change a color of like put a red limb on him or put a uh put a droid hat head on him he's had some murder moments or when they do his reverse his programming like in the last uh in the skywalker whereby is a Skywalker and now all of a sudden he's got Sith programming so he's gonna talk like this but then we'll clear it on our show every week because none of the rest of us have radio voices yeah I don't even have a real I don't have a real world voice even No, me neither. I do like that people confuse you for Charlie Day. That's good. Ryan, I think you've circled all the way around too. You do have a radio voice. Yeah, it's yours alone. That says a lot about radio.

I mean, if you ever heard Mad Dog Russo, that, like, that man's been really. I mean, we have radio voices. We just don't deploy them. Yeah. Hey, you sound like the guy on ESPN who constantly gets embarrassed by athletes. Cool. It's a job, brother. Awesome.

Checks clear. Checks clear. Not for me. They don't. That's how you don't end up working for the empire. Checks clear, brother. That's what I should do. I should be like, that's going to be my new side gig.

It's like, hey, does your kid want a birthday call from Chris Mad Dogg Rousseau? Well, I'll do it for $20. Like slightly angry dog. Sleepy dog. Less mad dog. I'm watching the summer games, and I can tell you that with all the blood, sweat, and tears that these athletes lose during competition, They need all the hydration that they can get. I also know that the weekend warriors like myself need to have the electrolytes that Liquid IV can provide.

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slash delb. There's no safe like SimplySafe. Don Lebertard. I don't want to be too extreme on this, but he failed America. Stugats. Okay, very good. This is the Don Lebetar show with the Stugats. We are presented by Draft King Sportsbook, an official

sports betting partner of the NFL. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app today and use code Dan for a special offer when you sign up. That's code Dan only at Draft King Sportsbook. Is that, okay, real quick, media personalities you would give to a, who's birthday calls, you would give to a child whose parents you don't like. Francesa.

Francesa number one with a bullet. Oh, my calling. Yeah. Who is this how old? Does it really work? Does it work without the dichotomy, though? Does he work as a solo act? Katie, happy eighth birthday.

Ryan's doing the face, too. Yeah. It's good. Shucking and diet Coke the holes. time they should I think they should trade Aaron judge you know I would send I would send Pablo Torre because children

need to know that there are going to be people out there who always are going to be smarter than them you look at the Jets you say who's the Chad Pettington for this time and age they don't have one Katie I think that's the problem that's the problem Katie it starts with the Chad

Pettington either have it or you don't I'd get Ray Hudson I'd get Ray Hudson to call a kid because that'd be terrifying right just into the phone genius well let's go all the way and get Mike Breen then

by the way Mike Frances is a reminder that like when you figure out what people actually like regionally and always embarrasses the place I had no idea who Mike Francesa was until I was like 35 and then I realized that.

Until that profile came, until the New Yorker piece he came out. It's, we will get to that. Just read the whole thing allowed like a bedtime story. I will read that because we need to discuss that at all times every day. The best profile that the New Yorker ever put out and the only one I think is relevant to any sports talk radio is the profile of Mad Dog and Francesa that they did detailing their relationship. In particular, the two of them watching the horse whisperer, the Robert Redford film. Like together in a hotel. Yes, watching it together in a hotel room.

I will get to that once I look it up here on my phone. But I watched that and I was like, oh, yeah, New York ain't shit. Like, there's this just a place. If this is what y'all are listening to all day, if this man makes money doing things, I was like, we have this guy too. He could read the phone book as well on air. And let's listen to some guy from Queens just go like, yeah, I don't know. Brandon Jacobs is the greatest rating back I've ever.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. that's it you're describing like the reverse of like someone from dc discovering paul fine bomb is a big deal correct man correct which fine bomb is a big deal i'd have jeffan gundy call it for the birthday because it'd just be like hey SEC network honk spencer network honk says paul fine bomb is a big deal can you make money can you make as much money as that man is made saying 32 words an hour this is what you does make as much money that man is made. No, Fine Bomb opens the mic and goes, we've got the captain from Jackson, Captain.

And that's the clocked out for the hour. Yeah, that's the top of the hour. It's not an accident that he looks like the saw puppet with the mask off. Thanks for calling. The man could play par with words on an hour. If you set that par at like 150, we'd be fine. Unless he talks. The only time he'll do this if he's bored and he calls somebody that he's just like,

I really don't want to talk about football. What war books you read? That's when Fine Bombol talk. What war books are we reading, guys? I am, look up your war books. I'm going to read this that is from a New Yorker profile called The Boys. Read the part about the horsebook. I am confident we have read this on the show at least twice.

I don't care. I'm going to read it again. We haven't read it on this show. It's new to everyone here. Okay. And it's by Nick Palmgarten, who is the greatest, profile writer of all time because he had this idea and in addition he caught this moment between the two of them when they are having a rare moment of togetherness the joke is that the two of

them actually do not like they're not real friends right they don't like hang a lot like us um exactly like us so let me get to this i will find it i am definitely killing time here while i scroll and find the right line this i just found out that my francesa did a year at usf in Tampa before transferring back to New York. Oh, that's a musical. What the hell? If you went to college with Mike Francesa for one year in Tampa, please email me. I just want to know.

I just sound off in the comments. What the hell? What the hell was Mike Francesa doing in 1974? Gun running. Founding the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That's what it was. Yes. Do you think he thinks about Tampa like Rio?

That's what like some people from the Northeast think about. Tampa. They're like, God, it's like Rio de Janeiro down there. Ryan, you're a native. Yep. It says tits out all day in Tampa. Man, that's got just enough alliteration in it to pass for a civic slogan right underneath it. That's tits out

all day in Tampa. That's why Tampa's acrostick is toad. Tits out all day. Spencer's still scrolling. So I'm going to tell about my favorite city civic sign. none of you are golfers right has anybody besides me ever been to Bandon Dunes

has anybody been to Bandon in Oregon where Bandon Dunes is famous golf course? No all right so are we familiar with Clippy the little paper clip of Microsoft Word of York I love Clippy

So Bandon Oregon is this town attached to Bandon Dunes this beautiful rolling famous golf course by the sea And in the dead-ass middle of this small town, instead of like a welcome to Bandon, which, you know, you've seen, or sometimes when you're leaving a town, you'll see, you know, we hope you enjoyed your stay. Come back soon. In the dead-ass middle of town, there's a banner across the main street of Bandon that just says, we hope you are enjoying Bandon. And it's like, Clippy was the mayor, and he just put up a little sign that's like, it looks like you're enjoying our city. Would you like some help with that? That feels very, yeah, that feels very, like, hasty video game. Like, we got to add some flavor. It feels like John Boyce broke contain and just manifested himself into the civic architecture of a city on the opposite coast.

I love the interstitial world building. Like, if you're, you know, starting the story in media race and you're like, where am I? Well, guess what? Yeah, guess what, buddy? It's you. So, yeah, like, so instead of you are now entering or you are now leaving, it's you are still here. That's very grounding. It's very centering.

I have the passage. Mike and the Mad Dog are not friends, really. They hardly spend any time together outside the studio, beyond appearing at charity events and walking to the parking lot after the show. But on the air, they sound as though they were close enough to share gum. During exciting games, Francesa and Rousseau often talk on the phone. Francesa told me, with some exaggeration, that on the night of this year's triple overtime playoff thriller between the New Jersey Nets

in the Detroit Pistons, dog called me 42 times. Francesa and Rousseau have become so accustomed to talking each other about sports that even when they are talking about something else, they sound as if they're discussing a faked punt or a quirk in the Yankee's schedule. A few years ago, circumstances, Nick's Pacers, conference finals in Indy, Francesa's hotel room not ready, place the two of them for an hour or so in a hotel room together. A rare occurrence. This really tells you like how far ago we're talking in time when you're

You're like, oh, yes, Knicks Pacers in the conference finals. Nicks in the playoffs. And a hotel room without electricity, right? That's how long ago this was. Also, I like that putting them in the same room is like caging dogs and cats together. It just shouldn't be done, right? Like, we have them in the same cage. When they are on the road, they often stay in separate hotels.

I always stay in the best hotel, Francesa told me. That is the most New York shit I have ever heard that you would go out of your way to be like, I always stay in the Bish Hotel. I know things. Prestige. I got a guy. I expect steak for every meal. Breakfast, steak.

Lunch, steak. Sounds like something who's got a guy. Like, I got a hotel guy. I wear a uniform and it indicates valor. Like, that's the most New York shit ever. Anyway, Chris Carlin, their producer at the time, who now has a show of his own on WFA and walked in to find them watching The Horse Whisperer. Carlin started to speak, but they shushed him.

On the screen, Robert Redford was breaking up with Kristen Scott Thomas. When the scene was over, Rousseau said solemnly, Mikey, he had to do it. He had to do it. It was the right move, dog. Francesa replied, the right move. That happened in real life, and he got to write it down. That should have gotten a Pulitzer Prize.

I have some breaking news here. please uh you you are we all caught up on chris and scott thomas i hope it is kind of are we all caught up on the mascot name fight in south carolina uh yes about them not using sir big spur sir big spur spencer do you want to explain this yes so sir big spur is or was the actual live mascot for the south carolina game talks um who if you remember sir big spur order of the british empire please. Yeah. Yeah, OBE. Yes, he and Ben Kingsley both share this honor.

The same. Yeah, that's Ben Thunderbirds, Kingsley. Thank you. I did that for you. Yep. So, Sir Big Spurs, the official live mascot is, it is a threateningly large chicken. If you want to know, I mean, it is bigger than a chicken should be. And there is a serious debate over the chicken because the chicken, a lot of mascots, by the way, like, they're not proper to the university.

Somebody just has them and they bring them to games. like UGA for UGA, right? They're big asthmatic bulldog, right? Big obese asthmatic inbred bulldog that they bring to games does not belong to the university. This isn't actually the argument. The argument is about the name because I'm trying to get to the good part. Correct.

We're skipping all this shit. So anyway. It's not the usual live mascot argument. This is the argument over whether or not they are allowed to use the name Sir Big Spur due to there's the family that owned the original rooster. is beefing with the university. Anyway, the point that I'm trying to get to is that the state,

South Carolina's finest college football newspaper, is suggesting new names, including Marco Poyo, Cluck Norris, and Cock Commander. Yeah. How is, How is anything other than Cot Commander possibly going to win?

That's a great question. You had me at one until three shook up. I mean. I'm sorry, I'm holding out for Marco Poyo. They should call him spurnier. He's not going to win. No, because nobody in South Carolina is going to get the joke. Well, how many, like, college students are voting on it? I think that determines the entire thing.

Correct. Like, this is the school that it's, for years, it's largest beyond South Carolina. a claim to fame was that you could buy a hat that said cocks on it in large lettering. Go cox. See? Other suggestions. Cockadoodle dude. No. That implies

some sort of like anthropomorphism that's not there. What that really sounds like is like a Don Bluth animated film. Kickin' chicken. I don't know. That's terrible.

You're going to name the chicken after its own jail? You can't name a chicken. Coupe? What have you call it Cooper Manning? Hey, now. There's some heritage. They should just call, I mean,

they're not going to call it Spurrier, right? Like, greatest coach in the history of program. Service Spurrier, it's right there. I think the real opportunity South Carolina is missing here. If you're going to, like,

the live mascot is not, it has definitely declined in usage over the last, I don't know, what would we say, years. It used to be, you know, Florida had an alligator at games. And we're sort of down to, you know, dogs, Ralphie, Bevo, um, Mike the Tiger. But I think if you have a bird, I think if you have a rooster specifically, the move is not, oh, here is our one live rooster. It's, here are a hundred. Here are the hundred roosters we bring to games. And we let them

roam free. Swarm. Swarm. Much like you can't do anything about the cowbells at Mississippi State because it's tradition. Just say it's true. It is tradition at South Carolina to let 250 live roosters loose in the stadium. That's the city council. And if the SEC finds us for it.

Those are the Columbia alderman. That's right. If the SEC finds us for it, that's discrimination. They're going to lose a star player when they trip over the chicken on the field and they tear their ACL. That's South Carolina. Fifteen chickens. They're all going to get 85 chickens. Yeah, but you can kill the chicken on site too,

which would satisfy a lot of people. Yep. Like that's, I think that's what you need to be. Miami fans, you're kind of with me now, huh? Don't, your C-Num's not distinctive because you have one chicken. If you just have a shitload of them, and they're totally ungovernable? Like, that's an atmosphere.

I think you, I think you won them at the word ungovernable. Yes. What if we said every school has a live mascot budget? Like, one tiger, what's that cost? like $500. I don't know. I've never priced probably a lot more

than $500. But however much more. In Louisiana, probably not much more. But however much Mike the Tiger would cost on the open market, that is how many dollars

worth of chickens you get to fill your stadium with. Okay. So he's our market cap. Okay. Hang on, hang on. You can do anything, by the way to make that.

For the second time this week, I'm Googling cheap live meat near me. You can do anything you want that stadium and they'll still show up. Cheapeltmeat.com is available. Cheap tiger. Cheap tiger.

Cheap tigers near. Ryan, your assignment is find a tiger. Everybody remember at one point a couple years ago, we did an episode that was devoted entirely to states where you don't have to file paperwork to own a tiger. Okay, here we go. Baby Tigers for sale online, $1,500. Ooh.

Okay. So live. How did you, what did you, 1500 bucks? That's what it says. Live roosters for sale. Details on their meal and how to train them. Add to, okay, it's weird that you can just click Add to Cart. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you on ExoticWildcats.com? How much is a rooster? You can buy a lion? What? No. Wow. It says lion for sale.

According to the internet, a chicken is $2. There you go. 750 roosters roaming the sidelines. That's perfect. Chickens are free in Miami, I think. I don't think this website is real. I hope it's not real. are social, so would stay with

the Dank Vapes Dolwip Family for Life, but tigers are not. What about this seems wrong to you? Yeah. This sounds like the internet to me. What about I mean, yeah, there's no SEO action going on there, but it's real.

We deliver to your doorstep. Oh, don't do that. Please. No. No. Please backyard or garage. I do not want the doorstep line. Actually, Chris Whittingham, what's your address? Real quick. Just give it out of the air? Please. It's fine.

Chris, would you rather send you... We read Spencer's phone number all the time. Would you rather us send you a live tiger or 250 live chickens? Uh, the chickens. I'll take the chickens. You can send them to the Clevelander, 1020 South Ocean Drive. Chris, here's what you fucked up. It's hard.

Like, I don't think we actually could send you a live tiger, but we can send you live chickens. We can do that. Count our offer. All right. Um, the best price I'm seeing for 1,000 worms is $14. okay so that would be what um i don't have the math in front of me like a million worms or a tiger which do you want where are we going to keep them what's the stadium what's on the field yeah but that's they're gonna that's grass they love no pageantry there there's still the pageantry

i think that that's the primary concern what do you want to teach them how to play trumpets if possible okay in all seriousness if there are people that you don't like out there you can order snake food and have hundreds of frozen dead mice delivered pretty much anywhere and it's not expensive. That's true. It's true. Reptile people have an amazing Amazon wish list.

Like if you really want to peruse stuff. Like literal reptile people? Their Instagram ass must be f***ing bonkers. Yeah, Instagram just is like, I don't know. It's all hot. Who searches for heat lamps and live mice? Are you a snake? Are you a snake?

I send you a block of frozen mice for your birthday one year? You tried to, yeah. It went to the wrong address, meaning you sent a block of frozen mice to a total stranger. Sorry. Probably chose your life. Probably that total stranger, a boa constrictor who lived at my old address.

Oh my God, my boss, they probably got this, they're like, my boss knows I'm embezzling. I have to, I have to stop. I have to stop. He's going to feed me to his snake. And now that person is not embezzling anymore. So you change somebody in life for the box. at the most confusing goddamn day they open up this weird dry ice box and in it they're a bunch

of dead mice and they're like so that's how my day's starting i don't know who spencer hall is but he f***ed up he messed something up i thought you needed a birthday treat like what do you even do at that point you you don't call somebody to be like yeah this got misdelivered i definitely i definitely did not follow up as an ell and move on right No, I investigate because I have bad ideas You want to know who I want to know I want to know And that's why I'm the guy who ends up dead

In the first act of a Cohn Brothers movie I found some money Surely this will be fine I will keep it I will keep it Don't cry because it's over man Smile because it happened What's up guys? It's Tony

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