Shutdown Fullcast - Future Milkmen Of Virginia, Come On Down

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

Fresh tracks!Corrections!Surber is French now!College Football 26 tribulations befall our coaches!Important Indiana football announcement!Let's play a game!Fullcast theme song arranged and performed by Nick Kivi (ft. Bum Chillups) (The Surber Remix)Check out Surber’s band, Killer Antz: https://linktr.ee/killerantz and his podcast, Podcasterino: https://rss.com/podcasts/podcasterino-pod1/Listen to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Godfrey, which is not a college football show because a second simply cannot exist, at falconscottproductions.comCheck out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyiDID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write a year-round newsletter, featuring football and also unfootball things, at https://channel-6.ghost.io

Telling a robot story about how you use machines to find fortune and glory. Don't. Are you making a Will Smith rap right now? Yeah. You see that server is recording, right? It's fine. Okay. I mean, it's not a high bar of lyricism.

How is this, man? I thought it was just a Will Smith. That's why I thought I could do it. This isn't exactly attempting a rock hymn song. A robot that does crime. Don't be silly. You can't fool this kid from Philly. Uh, uh, uh.

Ship it. Fucking sham. Why wasn't there? I mean, Wild Wild West got a Will Smith song. Why didn't I Robot? I robot should have gotten the corniest Will Smith song. All Will Smith movies should get corny ass Will Smith songs. Why didn't seven pounds get a Will Smith song?

A lot of them do. Maybe, maybe they all have, but. Not everyone is brave enough to put them on the original motion picture sound. Not everyone is like this can roll over the credits, but some are brave. And others are. Why didn't pursue a happiness? Might have. A bouncy club banger.

On, on, over this here beat. About to tell you how big Willie's living on the street with his kid in a bathroom stall. See, this is whatever. It's fine. He put out an album in March. Holy shit. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Based on a true story. Still at it. it's got cuss words and everything pitch for it gave it 2.4 that's how I know it's good in that case I'm guessing it's a 4.4 well Smith went from successful rapper who didn't pay his tax bills who had to act to get his tax bills paid to now actor who everyone's like you please don't yeah don't do any more raps work you've done enough raps we don't need any more there's an embarrassing lack of featured on this for a hip-hop album like i feel like there's a there's a threshold if you know he's got 14 songs he should probably have 12 12 songs with a feature on them i would say

how many do we have here we've got one two three four five six seven eight of the 14 just slightly over half of the 40 well oh actually one of them is a no no yeah eight of the 14 Are any members of his family on the featured list? Jaden. Okay, good. Oh, boy. That's not the one you want. If I see a Kendrick album, if I see a Kendrick album and no features, I'm like, oh, awesome, right?

Whereas if I see a Will Smith album with a lack of features, I'm like, ooh, should have called in some. I don't know most of these features either. And, like, DJ Jazzy Jeff, that's cool, I think. Sure, I'm happy for DJ Jazzy. But Big Sean doesn't have the same cachet out. I mean. Big Sean got some fake abs and did a Will Smith album. It's been a bad year for Big Sean.

The cachet that Big Sean had, I think, is perfect for a 2025 Will Smith album. He is the perfect fit. Wolf. It's based on a true. So let's see, who are the features here? It took so many people to make. this record though so many people for this untalented asshole to put something out differently talented but what if i what if i flip that to look at how many people got paid yeah yeah oh

that's good yeah on track 12 alone track 12 that is that is a mob it looks like it looks like they're counting are they counting an actual choir there yes i think they are yeah i think my favorite uh track listing's fun fact is Lenny Kravitz popping up with like zero fanfare on multiple songs on the clip's album if it was just like ah my good friend playing guitar

happens to be Lenny Kravich sure sure this is the first out Will Smith album that failed to chart in any major territory oh who hey Holly Will Smith put out an album in March of 2025

Big Sean's on it so I know all of those names the contact text is confusing to me. There are people who are like through college who have no memory of Will Smith being a musical performance. This is the

first Will Smith album in full cast history. The last one was 2005. Do you think he was trying to wait us out? It's killing. Wow. Yeah, sorry Big Willie. Holly, I will send this to you because I don't know if it'll make the episode. Probably should.

This all got started because Spencer was rapping in the style of Will Smith. Yeah, it's going to go in the episode. I want to be clear. It's going to go in the episode. Okay. It sounds, I mean, like, the cadence, the depth of lyricism, it worked fine. Pretty good. It was not a.

No. You don't listen to Will Smith for the, um, the entendres and the, uh, and the zingers. And you listen for the general feeling of like, I could probably play at this in front of my parents. It's, it's, it's, you listen to Will Smith because you know he's going to rhyme silly and Willie at some point. And Willie won't even be a reference to anyone's genitals. Additionally, Philly. Yes, silly, Willie, and Philly. Oh, just loop them.

Olive and McGrilly. Oh, and as we know, we all do listen to Spencer for his rapping. That's true. Listen, I'm putting myself on a par with Will Smith right now. I mean, that's not good for Will. Nobody listens to Will Smith for his rapping. So like, again, it's fine. I would say if Spencer showed up with a microphone and was like, I'm about to spit some bars, and I didn't know Spencer, I would be like, this guy's about to fucking throw down.

And then, if I see Spencer on a microphone, I'm thinking this guy's about to read me a manifesto. I think, I mean, there's like, okay, so we listen to Immortal Technique now. It's fine. But if I'm at a rap battle and Spencer walks up, I'm like, oh, God. I would have written, I would have written this. What's he going to unleash on these folks? You haven't seen 12 of him in the underpass already? I would have done this verse.

This is the first verse of Will Smith's. You're looking for me. You're looking at the lyrics of the new album? No, he hasn't memorized. So you're the first? Crack the code on genius.com. They are unannotated. So that is possible.

So no one has No one has viewed these lyrics as needing to be deciphered Oh my God, fresh tracks It's all just straight up Yeah, what you see is what you get So I'm not really sure how they track this on genius.com But you can see how many people have viewed it, right? So like, for instance,

Kendrick Lamar's DNA, if you look up the genius page on how many people have viewed it, It's, you know, there's currently five viewers right now, and there's 6.6 million viewers overall. There are no views listed, and I am the sole viewer for you looking for me's lyrics. You have found the forbidden texts. So, you have discovered the Dead Sea Scrolls. Somebody was asking recently what episode we had Spencer's manuscript in. Well, now we have two answers.

What was Moses getting jiggy with? It's unclear. Tell me I didn't ghost write these. Lottie-Dotty, I like to party. That's the first line. Wait, wait, wait. This is from this year? An original lyric by...

Fuck you, Slick! This is featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff. So are we sure it's not him that's saying this? We're pretty sure. Pretty sure. Because you'll see the... The text will reveal its secrets server. stick with me

but not by myself though I came with somebody me and Jeff like Jordan and Scotty spend a lot of time still dead right I'm just asking let me get to this line because it needs to come out of my mouth spend a lot of time with the sheiks

and with the Saudis okay the rare rapper who's so rich that might be true like I'm sure Rick Ross has lied about doing that. Yeah.

It's a shame he's a clean rapper because he won't rhyme Piff and Spliff. But, oh, well. Right. Like, Rick Ross is like, yeah, I hang out. I hang out with royalty and you're like, it's a really rich guy in Hollywood, Florida. That's who you're hanging out with. He's a clean rapper, like a crime scene is sanitized. Yes, the royalty is Burger King.

The Burger King is who I hang out with. Hey, guys, it's your friend Will Bonesaw Smith. Bring the kids. Okay. I'm not even done with the first verse. You know, in Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Oh, those Saudis. Also, both come to pick a side on the Saad Saad.

Gifts come in like Ferraris and Bugatti's. No. No. Okay. Don't like that. You ready? No. Jada got my DMs hot with bodies.

And then, parenthetically, ha ha, ha, yeah. Plural? Plural. that's Spencer that's bodies with an S yes I would say it's pretty open marriage yeah although that also makes it sound like he's some sort of like werewolf kept in the attic that she must bring him bodies to sup upon it does get hot in attics yeah that's the first first Spencer's lyrics were completely par for that course do you think there's like do you think there are heated, like, pitched internecine battles in the genius newsroom over how to

transcribe laughs into lyrics? I think that after years of, you know, Jadicus songs, Jeezy songs. Like, is there a style guide? I mean, I think they've got it, um, that, they've got that handled by now. Will Smith, I guess is a, will Smith, I guess is like an easy test case for this because he laughs, he laughs as, as many regular people do like, ha, ha. Oh, he, he has, he has an onomatopoeic laugh yes yeah like a like a cartoon speech bubble oh no i mean like somebody who learned how i mean like i robot was a biopic right we were talking about i robot that's how we got into this as well hasn't i robot in the cold open gotten us into trouble before i can't remember we're only just now talking about the saudi's so it's going to be fine um what a timeless piece of music

from will smith what a what a wait what a what a what a what a time to meet the moment I like, I like, the chorus does say, I ain't hard to find. I'm easy to see. I ain't hard to find I'm on your TV. That's true, on TNT. Yeah. That's usually. I ain't hard to find.

I'm on TNT. Yeah, it's right there. What's wild is, this is the product of, he didn't produce anything for 20 years. He was like, finally, it's ready. Here it is. That verse, that's the first thing I want people to hear. That's the other thing, too. It's like, he's not, he is not locking himself in, uh, in, you know, uh,

cubicle in a studio and you know churning out these lyrics in a spiral bound notebook and and then just like so many people worked on this this is a group project but i'm happy for all of them too because you know what this was this was an easy group project yeah this in no way was this like oh grueling day in the studio laying down these tracks with will and like if you're the engineer nobody's going to say like oh you're the dork who put out this out they're going to say like Dude, you got some of Will Smith's money. That's awesome. This is like, so when Kanye was making, you know, my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, right?

He told Rick Ross, he's like, this verse isn't good enough on devil in a new dress. He's like, I know you can do better. And that's how he produced one of the greatest guest verses of all time in hip hop. That did not happen on this record. Like somebody, like Big Sean showed up and they're like, hey, your abs look great. I think that guest verse is awesome. You should go. There is no Kanye telling Puscha.

You need to be more of a scumbag. This is on this album. It's just you have recorded. Ship it. Invoices, baby. Venmo. Next. Next.

Let's go. I'm going to do, I'm going to make a very bad choice. I'm going to go look at some of the comments, too. Because he's putting out music videos to these. And I just want to see, like, what people have to say about them for the first time in the history of the internet I want to see the comment all right this is this is from this is from the official video for a song called pretty girls top comment this makes me miss the

simpler times like before I knew that this existed I don't even need to read anything else Oh, boy. That's great. That's great. That's what you want. Hearing my tinnitus again after the song was over was a release. Wait, is that a lyric?

That's... Wait, really? No, I wish. Listen, I... Listen, after last week, I'll believe a lot. Yeah. This wasn't released. It escaped from the studio.

I use this as my alarm clock so that I wake up before it. God-Name. Oh, shit. It's numbing. It's looming. I can feel its presence. Not even Carlton would dance to this one. Will Smith making music in 2025 is a recession indicator.

No need to get economic with it. Oh, boy. This got to be a humiliation ritual. will smith they're flaming you on youtube you got to get in there oh boy okay that's all i got to delete my youtube account now i can't risk it recommending more content like this the radicalization process toward thinking this is cool boy another win for the deaf so the album did really well it did super well super super well let's see this song is a vibe just not any vibe i ever want to have

played this at my granddad's funeral he came back just to turn it off so the according to wikipedia the chart performance for this 2025 will smith album there is one line um it it hits 79 in the very specific list for one particular part of the world. Can you guess? It's definitely Europe. Yes. Okay.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it was bad taste. Think of the dorkiest part of Europe. Never mind. Germany? Belgium. It's England. 79th in the United Kingdom. And that is the only country that fucked with this album to any extent.

Some guy named Reg is kind of sort of feeling this for 10 minutes in June. I don't ever want to hear again that English hip-hop is so good I'm missing out if this is what they're into. Kind of into. Even they were sort of like, oh, never mind. Got too excited. Let's give a wee sample to this album by the I-Robot guy. Oh, boy. Sure, but kneecaps being prosecuted by British police.

That's what you think. the problem is telling a robot story about how you use machines to find fortune and glory uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh yeah uh-huh it's fine welcome to the shutdown forecast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast we are i am spencer hall i am joined as always by ryan nanny jason kirk holly anderson and michael server on the ones and twos how's spencer can i can i barge in with a sure with a correction from last week yes we we don't tell jokes on this show but we also don't make mistakes they're not acceptable and we own up to them and that said i fucked up

last week. Which means who was right, Ryan? You were right, Ollie. That's interesting. That's also a first on this show. I said last week in talking about the weird SEC schedule that Ole Miss plays Vandy this year, and they don't. That's not true. I was misreading the helmet schedule. Did I know I was right? No. That's not important. No. Especially not these days. So yeah, Ole Miss doesn't play Vandy this year. They do play Arkansas on September 13th, which is super fucking weird and stupid, but they don't play Vanderbilt. The error was mine. Hand up. We will do better next time. Well, now we're just telling lies. I love the accountability, though. We will do different next. We will make a different mistake next time. We regret the error our

first. Our only. Yes. Yeah. I appreciate that. That was big. That was team player. behavior there Ryan you're either coaching it or you're letting it happen and I appreciate that you decided to pick up the mantle of coach nobody was that mad at me when they reached out to let me know like no that's the funny part they were just like just so you know not that it matters especially considering who's involved yeah yeah they were just like that's here's the thing which I think only underlines the point that I think Cerber made about that game in the episode what was that point I don't remember you'll have to go back and listen yeah I don't remember remember either I was going to say hey you ever think when we're apologizing for I mean the first

time did you guys ever think just now as we were delivering our first ever apology on the show about how if it makes you feel any better out there whatever you go through whatever we put you through listening to this episode do you ever stop to think at home that we had to listen to it first you should consider that and we don't have a skip button yeah no which would have either my face or Spencer's face on it, which would make it a really big button. It would have Spencer's face. That's too big for a button. Yeah.

That's a badge. It'd be like a button you press at like a Chucky Cheese game. No whammies. It would be a patch. Yeah. Press your luck. They would definitely go bong. Yeah.

The button that goes bonged with my face on it at last. Not just like a Ricky Jervase button. We could do merch numbers with that, just for the record. If we just sold a little, like, office button that just said bonk and it had your face on it, we could do some... Or just said, shut up. That classic Spencer line. Oh, man. I love it when he says, shut up!

Spencer saying shut up. What if we kept with the times and just went ahead and created podcast jail? You know... Is that different from business prison? Yeah, yeah. Because it's audio. Gotcha. Yeah, podcast jail.

You're never getting out of that shit. ever you know business prison you can escape no business prison no business prison the whole point of our text business prison available I shut down full books eventually will be that if you want to escape business prison you have to embrace the tunnel of success that's it you have to like Andy Dufrain climb through three yeah crawl through 300 yards I don't understand this reference and I won't respond to it Shaw stank redemption that's right they've called it that that The hall stank redemption. There's still time.

There's at least one person in the world who's like, The Secret of Success is crawling through sewers. I saw it in Shawshank. I'm going to keep watching. Yeah. I wanted to ask Serber to a very important question. Can you tell me since I was on vacation and then had a hecticly catch up? What is happening in France?

Like in general? You know, if you want to do that. But I'm, I think I'm, he knows what I'm asking, but if you want to give a general survey, Michelle, Searle. Yeah. Hey, Serber, you ever think about how if you made your name, like the French automotapical equivalent of your name, would be Serber, which means on butter? Oh, I like that. Michael Ray on butter.

Yeah? I'm into it. All right. Sorry, please continue. Essentially, I am always on butter. Basically, if you, if you bastardize your name in French enough, you are literally an angelic king on butter. God. all right i'm french now and uh the very fun thing has happened to the first 10 days of

toddy pagacha really wanting to race and win and take the yellow jersey but then also being like fuck now i got to go to the podium this is boring and it's i'm tired and i'd rather just chill so then giving it away for a day um the most recent recipient of that is ben healy uh an irish former irish national champion ben healy he's the current yellow jersey as this is recorded We're on the first rest day following the first, quote-unquote, mountain stage, a bit of a medium mountain stage up to Pueida-dom. Remko Evanapole currently sitting in third place behind Todi Pogacha, but about 20 seconds ahead of Jonas Vingago.

American Mateo Jorgensen is in fifth place. So Ben Healy is now going to be targeting the GC. He was just in it to win stages. He, in fact, won a stage from the breakaway. earlier in this week. The day in which he took the yellow jersey was not the day in which he won from the breakaway. That honor goes to Simon Yates, who just won the Jared Italia for Vizma, Lisa bike. He's considerably down in this race from losing time early on and his recovery from the Geroida Italia, but he now can claim a Tour de France stage win in the same year that he has

won the Magli Rosa, which is pretty cool. In the sprints, Jonathan Milan has won, but he's been thoroughly out-classed head-to-head by Tim Merlier on two occasions. Tim Ralear, the European champion and only his second door to France, even though he's 31 years old, you may be saying, well, in his first Tour de France, he must have really been bad. No, he won a stage. So the only reason he hasn't been here is because QuickStep has been supporting Remcoe of Nepal and other and Fabio Jacobs in the year before that in the tour. So Merleir has come, showed out probably the fastest sprinter in the Peloton currently. But he figures not to factor in much, nor does Jonathan Milan figure to factor in much because from here on out, we are in the mountains.

Everything changes from coat to coal. So a big, long, heavy, grueling days of the mountain where the fat guys fall off the back immediately. And by fat guys, I mean, men who weigh 165 pounds, they will not be able to haul themselves up the mountain. There will be some rollers like Victor Campanart, Walt Van Arndt, who are, little bit more skilled. They will be doing the teammate thing now for the main leader. So everything is poised. The race is close.

Tadipugatja has been clearly better than everyone else so far. Jonas Finkigo has not been able to come around him. Remco Evanopol has not been able to match the accelerations and has just kind of had to ride his own pace, but has lost minimal time. Looking like

the top three is going to be what we think, but there's a couple of wild cards that have been thrown and now, Ben Healy. He will fight for the podium. Super awesome writer, super entertaining writer. And he's on an American team in EF education, so that will make some American viewers happy, some. And Matteo Jorgensen, another American in fifth place, he's looked very good climbing alongside Rimcoe Evanipole. I think he's probably Rimco's biggest threat to the third place spot on the podium, since he'll be riding as the last man for Yonis Fingigo and all the stages as his teammate so he'll be there in the finale's at the end supporting his teammate but also

kind of looking out for himself so um if he was to finish on the podium biggest result for an american in cycling in the history of the tour de france uh post gregg lamand um because as you know no american has won the tour de france since greg lamont that has not happened um so he will become america's big hope probably a ton of money throw to him and maybe even be lured away from Vizma Lisa Bike. In my heart of hearts, I have like a hope deep down that perhaps SEPCUS, Mateo Jorgensen, a couple of these, Nielsen Pallas, a couple of these other cool young American riders could form their own American sponsored team that would do something for cycling in the States, which really currently is only being done by local club teams, your local bike shop,

and, you know, the United States cycling program, which is for the Olympic. and things like that so um we're through 10 stages 11 to go has the crowd been well behaved has the roadside had there been any roadside antics my dad made the comment to me yesterday he does not watch cycling and he happened to be over for the morning and he said they need to get out of the fucking road what are they thinking at which point i reminded dad that it was six hours later in france and they'd all been drinking wine since around 7 8 a.m so it was kind of they've actually been pretty good considering there's been no major fan incidents i've seen them throwing some water on riders and i've been hoping that it's water um considering there's a pretty common

um occurrence of the of the fans throwing piss on the riders so hopefully it's just water to help cool them off um considering we're in a much cleaner era of cycling now but nobody i'm we had the opi omit omi sign happened where they took out um i think i believe it was tony Martin in his final tour. So we haven't had anybody do anything super stupid like that, but we have had some pretty gnarly crashes. A lot of people have abandoned.

Yeah, exactly. Another Coca-Cola. From the piss region of champagne. I was going to say, please insert like a 10-second beat of silence in here for our readers to yell only if it comes from the sparkling region of which I don't know, I don't have one.

Y'all, which part of your dicks is the sparkling. region. All of it. That's too much. Thank you, Twilight. The big is the sparkle. It's too much. Thank you, Twilight.

Twilight, old moon. Do you ask? I did. I did, and that was my mistake. My second. No, my first. Everyone gets one. Yep.

Ryan and I have used ours up. Yep. So I'm how Spencer. Sailing through clean. Mistake free. Two things you'll never be accused of being sailing and clean and yet flawless happy birthday buddy that's right just a dirty barge of a man working my way through the world hey man everybody well listen what was what news story

united the world in surprise and delight more than big boat stuck oh yeah that boat couldn't swim either look at that see and like spencer it is ever given help get me out help Lift me out of here. Ryan? Can we talk? That's the big boat's voice. I know. I know.

I know. Can we talk for a little bit about your process of about how you arrived at this, at this voice for the big boat? Just went immediately with whatever popped into my stupid. Okay. Okay. Serber, thank you for that informative, thorough, and well-wrought Tour de France update. It's the most important. whole game of the year. That's right, the Tour de France. I wanted to bring another important

update. I have acquired the EA college football video game and have entered into an unholy covenant with several other members of the EA college football community in forming a conference. You're not invited. It's private. Sorry. I just wanted to tell you that my team that I've adopted for the year. Well, I've not moved on. My heart will always be at North Texas. in coaching, in terms of coaching focus, I can only work in two places at once. So the second team that I have adopted is the Memphis Tigers. I will be working the Memphis Tigers.

I've already begun practice. I'll have you know. Boy, you know what I could do in this new edition of the game? This motherfucker could throw a pick. I can throw an interception with confidence, with flare, right? On short routes, medium routes, long routes. Boy, I will throw it. The side of the field.

It doesn't matter. Listen, man. You call me Maserati because I'm making them picks. That's right. I am 100% in an interception machine thus far. Is this a realistic representation of the bulk of Memphis football history? No, not at this point. They've had 11 straight winning seasons, something that I know because Reese Davis says it in the game.

That's right. I think you're a throwback Memphis. I'm Tommy West Memphis. Yes. Yeah, yeah. This, um, our online dynasty was dubbed by Charles McDonald as Slop World because we're all, we're all playing average teams at best. The most prestigious team in our conference that we shoved everyone to the Pac-12 is Missouri.

That's the bar here. Yeah, which by the way, the pick-up Missouri was roundly met with. Oh, fine. So it was more like, oh, you went for the highest rated, highest-rated three-star team. Oh, you could read a chart. The caviar tigers. Which Josh explained by pointing out that their schedule is easy. So I think that's fair.

That's, it's fair to angle for that route. That's fine. That's fine. Jason, who have you selected? And this marvelous, by the way, the person who was the foremost advocate for turning it into, maybe we play with good teams. And somebody's like, no, no, no, man, we got to keep them 80 or below. Jason Kirk advocate for Slop World.

I think the first suggestion was like, 3.5 stars and I was like Matthew McConaughey voice you gotta lower those numbers way down it's too rich brother so we just settled on three-star teams and then I'd dip just a bit below to take the Tulane green wheat drink green wave I'd first pick look good play good that's all I'm about so we have Spencer and I have the without question two best hip-hop cities in our conference the pack 12 of course which now extends all the way to app state thanks to Alex Creschener we've done a good job rearranging conferences is what you're saying that's what it looks great it looks really

really great yeah um well congratulations coach on signing up to mentor these young men i'm proud of you for doing the work the you know the taking over the program um just seeing the state of things just uh just going to do the thing where i gripe about what was left behind by the previous coach uh you know um some say they did a really good job here but that's not the condition that i walked into, gosh, it's just going to be really difficult for me to get anything done this season. So I just preach patience to these fans here in New Orleans. There's a lot that I'm going to need to overhaul. Of course, the portal is going to just devastate us after this season because, you know,

not everybody's bought in on success. Not everybody's bought in on the two-lane way. Not everybody can tolerate the level of spice we bring around here. If it's just too hot here in Tulane, where I'm wearing a fucking puffer jacket on the sideline because i want it hotter you look like leam galliger over there i'm dressed like a fucking soccer hooligan on the sideline because i'm trying to shed some pounds i'm i'm doing a lot of eating on all these recruiting visits i'm doing i'm telling you what the way the game plays this year like the portal is so vicious to lower tier teams that like yeah i'm pretty much i mean i've

always been all in on like recruiting fuck development i don't give a shit just get people in here I'm even more in on that now. Like 35 new players every single year. Yep. File them in. I just want to parade of humanity coming through this place. That's the goal. You've just got the Red Army strategy towards recruiting.

Next. Just one bullet for everybody. Let's just go. Napoleon said he spends 100,000 bodies a month. That's me by week three. Well, a coach that sounds like winning talk, and I really appreciate that. Thanks, coach. That's how we do it in the first.

pack 12 I will state it is also it is also a realistic move that as one of your first moves as a video game coach is to look at the guys in the room and go who we got problems that's work for deion us coach yeah you're not getting me fired one of us has got to go yeah it ain't it ain't me uh yeah additionally um I would like to congratulate another coach in the room new to the ranks and that would be coach Holly oh no no no I just I'm just saying

you're new to the profession are you going to tell the internet this is my darkest secret no no I'm not going to tell I'm not going to I'll hide the team but I was just going to say you picked up you picked up the sticks it is socially unacceptable

in our profession to know this little about this game and while I feel like I've absorbed a lot osmotically I have never in my life played this in any iteration Madden, Techno, Bowl,

Sega football, none of it, none of it ever. And yesterday, in fact, when we started playing, that was, I think I realized that's the first time I've ever picked up a PlayStation controller. Anyway, my first kick went out of bounds to the 45-yard line. Please respect my privacy. Setting is not easy.

Cicking is not easy. Dude, you want to talk about setting the tone? I was playing Spencer, who was playing Georgia Tech. Our game was the most Jefferson Pilot 1123 kickoff. A 70 Georgia Tech victory. Hell yeah. That's what football was football. My Blue Devils fought valiantly.

So the best part was that really. After the kickoff, they fought valiantly. the best part was after like the first half I was like okay she's familiar with some stuff I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to call a couple actual you know let's let's try to move the ball a little bit in true Jefferson pilot

fashion nope fumble fumble punt I and T nope you need to stick to the fundamentals it was I should have stuck to the fundamentals brother it was

it was wretched it was like it was like being a kid and watching Wake Forest on a Saturday morning all over again. What are you out here with Georgia Tech trying to do kickflips and shit? Come on, man. What's wrong with you? Jamal Haynes dive. Jamal Haynes inside zone.

That is a sensible mid-sized sedan of a program and you will drive it 10 and two the way it's supposed to be. Hi, I'm coach Raycom and I'm here to tell you about the Kia Sorrento. That's, yes, yes. Trying to do cool shit with tech. Georgia Tech, stop skateboard and shift. No, come on. Come on.

Listen, it was very, why don't we call it vintage? Because it did not look like a Brent Key game. It did look like a Georgia Tech game, but not in this era. Two in Jeff Collins mode. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. It happens. It kind of looked like a Bobby Dodd game, if we're going to be honest. Bobby Dodd, that was a long time ago.

Bobby Dodd now. Yeah, that was, yeah, yeah. It looked a little bit like Bobby Dodd now. Yeah. Yeah, but congratulations. Apologies to Bobby Dodd and the Bobby Dodd family of networks. Yeah, your journey, your journey has, your journey has begun. I can't wait to see where this goes.

The first time she beats you, you're not going to react well. Oh, the first time I threw a pass on him, he didn't take it well. It's true. I did compliment you, but I didn't want to. The first time you score on me, it's not going to go well. Ryan, you weren't here for Spencer's birthday shenanigans, but you want a real treat. It is Spencer and Michael from Braves and Birds because they both love to chirp, but also it's this game. So they're both a little bit madder than they would like you to think they are,

but they're both, as you know, very cheerful shit talkers. And it was very like, who are you calling pal, friend? Who are you calling friend, jackass? got like not I wouldn't call it heated it was uh it was a mild simmer in the room it's gonna be good because you know what eventually you're gonna beat him on some bullshit and he's just gonna stew on it for days well this is also the day that he a Barcelona fan found out that Spencer is a secret fan oh and that was like that led to like a full throwing up of both hands and an oh come on that could have been heard at Stone Mountain Spencer is in many way the Alabama or England game

himself. That is true. Oh, that is so true. What's up, Blastin, buddy? Except you don't listen to Will Smith. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Or do you? He was the only one on the genius page.

I was. I'm the only one who's ever looked at those lyrics. His impression was suspiciously accurate. Oh. Am I enough to get it up to 79th in England? Maybe. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

dude how flummox would you be at a party if somebody's like yeah you want to set this shit off i put on the new will smith record damn dj where'd you find this track oh belk oh in the dollar in the dollar bin the walgreens DVD container that comes up to you like yo you heard that new will smith i have not that should be everybody out there launching your own cfb 26 dynasties that's a great bet to make with your buddies right now you know times are tough we don't always have the coin or the bad sense to bet real money but try this this week in your own in your own games at home whoever loses has to has to in a public setting the next time they encounter you know

a friend or work acquaintance it can't be a family member that has to be outside the home in public has to ask the next person they encounter outside of their family unit if they have heard the new will smith i'm looking at Will Smith, rapper, merch to see if there is a shirt that has to do with the new album. Oh, that'd be a great trophy, yeah. This is a good fantasy football loser, punishment as well. Yeah. Ooh.

Uh-huh. 43 minutes into an episode where we had actually planned at length to talk about college football. All right. I don't understand. So, Will Smith's website has, you know, a navigation bar. at the top tour is one of them listen is one of them journal is one of them but then there's the fourth entry yeah journal which i assume is just like blog or some shit like that his tour is exceedingly it's only european at this point maybe he maybe he did other american shows but right now he is

just sticking to europe for this tour smart but the fourth the fourth navigation item is confusing it just is boats i think so i saw this too based on at story, but I was initially hoping it was just, like, photos of his expensive best posts. Fuck, that's so disappointing! You want to see some boats? You know what? You know what I do. I wasn't mad at Will Smith until this moment.

When I, when Jason helped me realize that boats wasn't about what it says it is. Yeah. Will Smith has lied to you. Not about, not about, not about it. Not about his money. You're not about his money. Can I get you to look at this red light? somebody did make that comment on youtube as well they were like well smith please break me the

neurilizer also his tour his tour goes like france spain germany germany germany germany and ends with england england england england that is curious because as we all just saw he avoided the germanic pronunciation of saudi not afraid to walk into not afraid to like stir up controversy doesn't speak well to Europe that Well Smith was like

you know where I can make this work man we really are just infecting the world with a number of terrible elements right now more than usual

yeah listen sorry I didn't mean to bring down everybody's everybody's current sunny state of the world by talking about Will Smith as an export

there's two things on the doctors I would like to at least I would like to address the Indiana football item let's do that which is that Indiana has, but we say jokingly return with a V all the time. Holly, someone finally did it.

Spencer, it's weird that you're telling me this because I sent you this press release for you. Because Indiana gave you a gift. That's right. On your 50th birthday. On my 75th birthday, the bison is back. The bison said, hi, son. I'm so happy to say hi, son,

to this bison. That's right. The homecoming is a result of the Bring Back the Bison Act passed by the Indiana University Student Body Congress on December 16th, 2024. They have brought back the bison to Indiana University. That's how we know that at long last they are truly back. No, it wasn't the record-setting season they just had. It's bringing back the big shaggy boy. Congratulations, Indiana. We're talking about a mascot. just a large shaggy boy that they have that will appear at at football contests yes named Hoosier yes he will be appearing at football contests in they will not have a live bison because that would be a terrible idea

but they will yeah why because somebody already does that they heard Kevin Wilson they know what terrible ideas look like yeah Yes. And the, the, whatever the mascot's going to look like, whatever the costumed mascot is going to look like, it will be unveiled at the first home football game this year. But one way or another, we're getting a bison mascot in some of those little stripy pants, which seems like a net win for society. Yes. I agree. I agree. I hope it looks just like this particular rendering that they have, because this is a very confident, charming, charismatic, a little crazy thing. looking bison i like it kind of has a bull quality to him but that's fine he does he's got a tail which is always a problem when you're tailoring pants but i you know it's a good university i trust

that they can overcome this structural challenge that's actually why they call it tailoring people don't know that wow is that true everybody knows that we're just going to up we're going to up this podcast popularity by responding dumbfounded to simple questions like that oh my god that is what we do a lot jamie look that up is that true what we do um yes we can go ahead and uh get to the game who would like to explain this particular conceit holly do you want yeah sure although you were the inspiration for this ryan um it's it's media day's time which means we have to listen to a bunch of grown men that we're not overly fond of say words about

things we're very fond of and we're kind of obligated to listen to them in case a crumb of actual relevance jobs and talking of course about conference commissioners and as is fairly normal we were expressing our usual bleak annoyance with SEC

head capo Greg Sanky who delivered the thoroughly irritating quote for all those of you who like to speculate about super conferences welcome to one. And Ryan, you asserted that Greg probably has the most talent for saying things he knows

will make people mad online. And then Spencer kind of threw a different perspective in here that I thought was very interesting. Spencer, you said, honestly, if I were in his position, I'd go a lot farther with it because the SEC is going to lose the money race to the Big Ten, so they

might as well win the branding war. And it of course led us into this little Fantasian a side quest of what team we could reasonably assign to be realigned to a conference that would put the biggest spike through the fortunes of that conference, through the goals of what that conference wants to do at a school ruin a conference, right? It's probably the internet shorthand way of explaining what we're up to, except all these

conferences have the same goal, but widely different resources. they're going to have to go about it in different ways. They have, of course, vastly different scales of football success and hope for future football success. So ruining each conference, we kind of concluded it looks different for each conference. Like there are as many different paths to ruin for these conferences as there are conferences themselves. So we've divided up what we in 2010's parlance would think of as the power conferences,

and the non-power conferences. We are each taking two. Serber is stepping in here to give us so that we can play with all 12. No, math, 10 leagues. Go balls. I love the way that's going to look at the transcript, by the way. It's like, no, math. Listen.

We are each going to be taking two leagues today, one major and one mid-major. if you would like to complain about us calling the mid-major as a term of shorthand you may email 38 godfrey at phantom island. show and we are going to see what kind of spears we can drive through the hearts of our leagues as they currently exist today the only rule we are going to set at the outset and this is my sawpupic game so i'm making the rule is that this has to be conceivably a team that could be in the conversation for realignment. Now, this gives you a lot of room to work with because, again, USC and Illinois is a regular season game this season. You do have, you do have a lot of room to work with. What I'm asking is that when you plant your school, your, your little sleeper cell

university into the middle of this league that you show your work. Okay. You explain, you explain why they would be in the conversation if it's not obvious and then how they would go about destroying it. This is my design. Okay. Where do you want to start? I would actually like to start with the SEC because that is the one that inspired it. Okay. Okay. That means big fella, you're up. So what what you need, what the SEC is looking for is greater national relevance. I think that's fair and we're looking for more market share. The thing that they are really losing out to in the Big Ten is raw dollars. Like over time, the demography behind the Big Ten's expansion, cynical, though it may have been, is effective.

They pulled in larger TV markets. Yes. I have a question. A question. I think it may come as a surprise to people, especially in our geographic footprint, where we are wall-to-wall. There's the new Netflix show coming out that we've got friends involved with,

haven't seen it. But media saturation about how the SEC is the be-all and end-all has been very effective up until this point. If people are interested in finding out more about why, slash how the Big Ten is gaining in this national relevance metric you cite, where would you point them to look? One, I would point them to look at most recent playoff scenarios, recruiting rankings, and TV income.

That's where I look. Yeah, that latter one, that's the main thing. That latter one is a big one. Because guys, once upon a time, remember when the Big Ten Network and Fox were, was a partnership, I think that was pretty funny to some people. not talking about us, to be clear. Yeah. And remember, the Big Ten has always made more money off of its TV investments because

it has owned a larger share of them, whereas the SEC being lazy bumpkins have just always farmed it out. Quote me, you're lazy bumpkins. They've always farmed it out and just gone full-time, like full-time deals with SEC, et cetera. So, or with ESPN, sorry, for things like the SEC Network, et cetera, right? Like the SEC Network has been a resounding success for ESPN. as it was in year one, their third ranked network overall, only coming behind the flagship in ESPN, too, but that does not mean that that money all found its way into the coffers

of the SEC because ESPN gets a generous chunk of that, whereas the Big Ten outright owns a piece of the Big Ten network and sees those dividends directly, and that gap has only increased as time has gone on, and TV money has gone up, up, up, up, up, et cetera. Additionally, population-wise, We just want to look at raw numbers. The Big Ten through its expansion into places like California and New York has managed to add California and New York. If we are playing risk and you are an advertiser just looking at these things and audiences that your particular programming goes to, those are called the coasts. Those are the coasts. And the SEC doesn't even necessarily have a named property in the largest city and the largest state south of here,

is why I can see a mistake. Third Coast Eraser Spencer Hall. That's me. Notorious for that. I would look and go... But, all right, so you've said, that's the... But now, I'm curious what you're doing to sort of say, here is the poison pill that the SEC is going to accidentally swallow.

Like, you're saying, so they're, you know, they're at worst league two, right, on this national stage. Correct. Correct. which bothers them surely but they obviously are not broke or going broke anytime soon so how are you going to turn this sway swoon whatever into an actual slide so what they're going to look for is some way to maintain geographical cohesion which has been thus far an alleged asset of the SEC and something they have mentioned when discussing the brand and maintaining the brand. They will need a school that could theoretically, per your rules, be a target or be up for

expansion, right? I can't go, they'll add Troy. No, they, like, I mean, that would say yes. Troy would say yes. No, I think when I, when I put that, when I put that out as a concern, I mean like, you're going to have to show your work if you want them to add Udub. Right, right, right. That's what I meant.

Yeah, I don't think, I don't think they want, like, if you wanted them to try, I was, the thing I had in my brain is like, you can't just like, or I mean, you can, but you're going to have to, you're going to have to make a convincing case for why, like, turning around and having the SEC just poached the big 10, right? Like, I had less concerns about the Troy end of things, uh, for unrealism and more about, more about the other end. I'm very excited to see how Spencer takes, takes the rules and implements. Oh, listen, I'm, like I said, There are, the goals for each conference are going to take many forms because, like, you know, the SEC wants National Relevance Conference, USA, which is one of the conferences I'm going to discuss, wants to survive. So, you know, there are, there is going to be no blanket that covers all of this. Yeah, right. But I would, I would like to keep this not quite so squarely in the realm of the fantastical as we might otherwise detour. Okay.

So who did you pick, Spencer? So I wanted to assume that in an order to try to reach out to, a large unclaimed geographic area with plenty of recruiting a lot of TV eyeballs allegedly if you say Alaska I swear to God mm-hmm something that was geographically congruent with the rest of the SEC and was as Southeast as Southeast could get that the mistake one might make when having this discussion first of all we will Holly goes was it Florida State and I was like okay I think we're past the point Florida State has been a bad enough partner in

the ACC that the notion of it moving up while behaving like Florida State does with as little assets to the bringing to the table as they do, right? As a few assets as they bring to the table is crazy. My argument for Florida State yesterday was that there's not a really, there's not a really big

you can't inflict a, it's going to be hard to inflict fatal damage on the SEC with a single stab, right? What you really want to do, like if I were to, like, I was trying to think of the biggest addition that would provide the least value and what I'm thinking about, why I'm thinking about Florida State in this scenario is it does not expand the geographic footprint. And also, we know how Florida State acts regarding its league partners, the league itself, how litigious they have been in regards to the same.

And exactly what we need in the SEC of those is you're kind of talking about another Texas that doesn't add anything. So I think I found that. Yeah. I think I found a move that realistically, a mistake that they could realistically make that brings nothing. You are correct. The University of Miami would be the mistake that they would make. All right. Well, this creates a problem in the game now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Brian, explain your objection.

Well, like, I should have asked ahead of time, like, what happens if Spencer takes the team I wanted to take for an example? Is this exclusive? I don't know. I don't think this is zero sum. Okay. I am saying, by the way, what a, what a compliment to Miami if they could ruin two conferences. at once. That'd be astonishing, right? I think it would work in different ways, but go ahead. One of you gets the orange L and one of you gets the

green L. Okay. That's right. Are you trying to say Miami can't ruin two things at once? No, I, well, I think Miami is here to prove you wrong. I think the cases for Miami football and basketball would like the word. All right, well, let's twist it this way. I'm going to eventually, I got

the Big Ten case it wasn't clear. I would like to make the case after you why I think Miami is a worst choice for the Big Ten then for the SEC. That's great. We'll do Big Ten next. I want you to go first.

And by the way, I think you're right just on the face of it if I had to think of which one would be a worst case for. But what is Miami at? Does Miami actually add a significant geographic footprint? No. This is where we should probably also throw in some misconceptions that I know we've discussed before, but that a lot of our audience might not necessarily know off the top of their heads, which is you might know Miami's a private school.

It's a very small school. Like in terms of like, and I'm not talking about like, I'm not calling it as small school as a derogatory term. There are plenty of other derogatory things you can say about the University of Miami. But it has, call it the TCU problem, right? What does a small school mean? A smaller alumni base. What does a smaller alumni base mean? Fewer donor dollars.

Da da da da da. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. They don't bring anything in terms of consistent viewership. Because whatever you see in terms of the spreadsheet, in terms of, oh, there's the South Florida TV market, they're not consistently watching your shit. They're just not.

They're not consistently traveling to games either. Would you like Florida fans, but worse in terms of traveling? That's Miami. That's what you get with Miami. So boots on the ground, you don't have them, okay? Cultural cachet a little bit, but good luck taking that to the bank. are they going to be consistently competitive in your conference friend they moved to the acc and their program effectively died for a while what are you going to do when you face

se c competition this is again why the big 10 might be even worse because i think it would be even worse competitively in the big 10 for them are you going to add recruiting no because we already recruit everybody recruit south florida that deal is done and dusted so it's not like it's really going to improve there also go look even though everybody everybody hat knows that there's talent in South Florida and that Miami might have a special claim to them. There's not much evidence that it's significant enough to improve the program on its own or on the face of it. You still have to work very hard to be good there, much less great.

In addition to that, the total package that you're bringing in terms of sports, nothing. You're bringing nothing. You don't add anything in particular to the SEC's athletic profile that isn't there already. Basketball is not going to contribute anything. Baseball, maybe sometimes. but like the SEC is kind of over-indexed on that anyway. So in terms of money sports, in terms of viewership, in terms of a choice that they could make

that would actively make the conference worse, baby, it is all about the youth. So here's my case for why I think it would actually be even worse for the Big Ten to take Miami. I have a backup school. Wait, wait, hang on. Before we move on, Jason Cerber, do you have any feedback about Spencer's choice for the SEC? I think it's, I mean, yeah, like, there's a, there's a case for it being realistic, you know, especially at the point, if we get to the point where it's essentially a two-conference scramble for everything.

And I think this is an interesting pivot point. I am interested to hear the Big Ten Miami thing because there will come up time if we continue along the current trajectories where schools like UNC and Florida State and Clemson and blah, blah, blah, are sort of on that one way or the other or back to independence. thing so let's let's get to big ten miami yeah one other one other pivot point and i don't want to discuss this right now but it's something i hadn't really thought about before now in the if we do eventually end up in that two conferences everybody running for cover scenario uh the utility at that point is so laughable to me because what you're doing at that point is creating the afc and the nfc for what we we love afc battles which are important to us and we can name many of them all the trophy games and the that's her that's her big 10 Miami yes um

okay so if the big 10 takes Miami they don't have the problem that Spencer has raised with geography they have they have expanded their geographic territory we've already seen with recent expansion that uh it's not really important to the big 10 that this make geographic sense or that this become not a travel nightmare so let's put those concerns to the side but number one Miami Stadium situation is extremely not Big Ten. Big Ten stadiums, including the state, including with the UCLA I can even carve out an exception for it because it's the fucking Rose Bowl, and of course the Big Ten wants to play games in the Rose Bowl.

The Big Ten, like, I think does a pretty good job of saying like, oh, these are like on-campus stadiums and they have like a certain cachet and value to them. Even Northwestern's weird temporary stadium was like a thing you could be like, how charming and weird, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. where Miami plays football and there are good reasons for it is just like so extremely not big 10 it's an NFL stadium that has its own highway exit it's not in any way part of the university fabric it will just feel like weird and wrong number two much like Florida state Miami will absolutely trash the other members of the conference for be not just for like

oh we're we're going to sue you and you're not pulling your weight they'll just talk shit about you They'll just talk shit about, like, how bad Purdue is and how bad Wisconsin is and how Miami's so much better than them. They already do, you know how I know they'll do this? They already do it in the ACC, even though they've never won an ACC title. Miami fans spend all their time telling you how much the problem in the ACC is the other schools. Some of them have been to the ACC title game many more times than Miami has. Number three. Wake.

Miami is an inevitable scandal factory. The scandal might not matter, and it might not. be something that we actually have to get worked up about, but it will happen. Like, that's just what Miami does. And the Big Ten, I think, is less equipped and less comfortable that has maybe changed over time. Dealing with the, like, I don't think they're excited to have, like, a Miami scandal. Whereas, if that happens in the SEC, that just kind of floats in the, like, I mean, you have Auburn. You have LSU. You have Florida. It kind of just sort of fit. It's the cultural landscape a little better in the SEC than in the Big Ten.

And I think the biggest problem is that Miami will be the worst kind of fly in the ointment in the Big Ten. They will be the school that can fuck up somebody else's season but can't rip off 11 wins and play for national championship. They will be the team that like fucks up Michigan one year, but then loses to Nebraska. the year after like ultimately the problem to me is this you already have a USC you don't need another USC in Miami that's what you would be getting if you're the big 10 you would be getting like a a USC that acts worse online somehow I mean you added Nebraska and USC why not complete the set can I can I add can I edit one little note in there sure the big 10 does not need any more scandal.

No, yes. Big Ten has plenty of scandal of its own. Plenty. Yeah, let's not... I'm not suggesting that they don't. It's level of honesty about scandal. Yes. Miami is a bit too honest about theirs for the Big Ten.

Yes. Yeah, Big Ten is very Auburn-e about theirs. Oh, wait. No, nowhere near. Like, Big Ten is very sweep everything under the rug about everything. Like, big, like, even, you know, you find a lot of Auburn fans that are like, yeah, we do a lot of shitty dirt. So what?

But, like, no Big Ten fans do this. I think, I think, like, the flavor of Miami scandal will be uncomfortable to Big Ten fans in some way. Not, not, I'm not saying that it's. At least publicly. At least publicly. I'm not saying it's worse or better. I'm not moralizing about it. I'm just saying it'll be tackier.

I get what you're saying. It'll be a little too flashy for delicate Big Ten fans. Yeah. Okay. I can go with that. That's what we're getting at. Yeah. Like no one is saying they'll do some shit that is worse than what Big Ten programs have done.

That's impossible. How much of Tattoogate was, oh, it's trashy to trade jewelry for tattoos? What are we? Southerners? Yes. Like how much of it was just like, oh, this is a trashy thing to do. Yeah. The only tattoo you should get should be a heart that says mom on it.

On your ankle after you've served her proudly for 50 years. Right. Brett B. Elma is the only good tattoo. a school he doesn't work for a big 10 state that's not yours for humility so i think i think i think miami would be i think the SEC would not enjoy having miami i think the and the other thing is Miami could sneak into the big 10 because they have the coveted a u state yeah that's the thing that's the thing i think that's the beauty of it is like school-wise sure big 10 fit i mean nebraska's not but sure school-wise big 10 fit um the football program i don't know whatever you got

in Illinois in there, sure. Whatever. It's like you have high standards. Northwesterns in there. Culturally. Yeah. I need it. I want it so bad. Yeah. Yeah.

Counterpoint. One real benefit. Just imagine Big Ten fans hauling down to Miami in the middle of like November. Right? Oh, yeah. There is some. I had to get me a fishing shirt. Who, get some vents here. It's balmy. Big Ten fans in Miami.

August. This is fucking inhumane. That Miami, Wisconsin. That nine game, that 9, 10, 11, 13 game conference schedule means that you're going to be down there pretty early, folks. Yeah, that 57 game conference schedule that proves you're better people than everyone else. And of course, we would say Miami fans in Columbus in winter, but JK, they don't travel.

Just imagine the Miami bitching about like, oh my God, we got to play Michigan State November rigged bullshit not real this shit is right yeah I like that mindset we're not going to go but this fucking sucks anyway pollute 40 to 12s it's so posting is so uncomfortable looking at this weather

did you get you would never see a team more inclined to every single week walk out with their shirts off looking quote unquote tough than big 10 Miami oh boy yeah every single here come the half naked dudes

again we're so Oh, impressed, yet again. Also, man, can you just imagine? You guys have flipped it. I absolutely want to see this for cultural. I'd like to be clear every step of the way I'm on Miami side here. Take them.

No, this completely sold the argument for me in the other direction. This has to happen. Imagine the queasiness as Tony Petiti goes to a microphone and has to argue why Miami should be the fifth Big Ten team with three losses to get into the cultural football playoff. yes like actively hope uh we thank the miami like a three a three lost miami team that like lost two games because mario crystal ball can't

read a clock i want this is even better once they get into the playoff imagine the uh imagine that what is godfrey column the the water toters for the the playoff imagine trying to report this convincingly that miami deserves to be there because the committee said they deserve to be there joel clat joel clat is There we go. You see, they've lost three games, but they're all quality loss. It's Joel Klatt's job, to say. Yeah, losing 40 to 12 at Michigan State in November is a quality loss.

I went big 10, Miami. Then they get in and lose to Syracuse in the first round anyway. Oh, my God. Hey, it's just like all the time. Ricked. Ricked. This is Matt Brown's retirement gig because don't forget, less we forget, kids, ask your parents. In the BCS era, who was better at doing this television tap dance?

for talking his team up in the ratings than Mac Brown, who is kind of at loose ends right now because he's not very good at coaching football anymore if he ever really was, Mac Brown. Call him. I will say this. What is an M but two upside down U's? God.

What is it be but two more sideways used up against a brick wall? I think the most... What is it? Sorry, go ahead. The most damaging thing we can do in this process, in this imagined realignment. Florida State I'm fine of Florida State

and Miami each make it to either the SEC or the Big Ten they can't go to the same league I need them to be in separate leagues so that they can argue with each other about who was better who got the better deal out of us. Yeah I can't believe we never got to settle this

by having them play in a conference title game this is one of those other things that what people won't believe about your childhood the things we used to think were going to be problems. It's not just each other. It's remember Florida's here as well. Yes. There are rivalries that consider themselves to be three-way rivalries.

They ain't got shit on this one. This is the three-team rivalry. And so Florida fans having to weigh in at times on, oh, this team got the great deal by going to the Big Ten. Yeah, sure. Because this rivalry is all about, you say whatever the fuck, on one day that has nothing to do with what you will say the next day simply because it will make someone feel bad.

Oh, I forgot the other reason. Big Ten, you don't want shit to do with Florida's governor. You don't want to have to have him show up to anything. You don't want to have to deal with anything that he says. Like, the SEC already has to deal with that shit. That's my Trump card for why this wouldn't work for the Big Ten. Ron DeSantis and whoever the fuck is the governor of Wisconsin,

making bets with each other. Yeah. Like, I'm not going to sit here and be like, the Big Ten's governors are all. easy to work with and smart and beautiful. But like, you don't need dads on to Sanchez to it. Yeah. This is, you just, uh, this, this is the one thousand, the, the rare literal 1,000% accurate

built different. Yeah. All the way down to his little major at boots. Yeah. Like we, you don't need dollar stores. Which do not fit. You just don't. You don't want the phrase woke punting to ever appear in any universe with that little fashy

bitch. Yeah. Good. Approved. Uh, who's next? next let's see uh serbs why don't we why don't we take over your first power conference since we've taken two miami's from you yeah all right so um i i've been this is a name that i've heard for many rounds of realignment i think it's always been a bad idea to add this team because

they don't bring much to the table except for one thing which would hurt everyone else um but i think one thing that the acc would look to do if adding another team was a little like avoid the that they got for adding all the like two west coast schools and a team in texas teams that are not near the atlantic ocean at all they played it off so well i know right um i think they would i think their goal is to not let that the geographic uh you know and travel narrative take over this added team so they would want to go with someone that kind of makes sense in the traditional, when I say traditional, post-2000s footprint of the ACC,

but you can't make like a good choice and go and get like an original ACC member like South Carolina, right? That's actually a, would be a great get for the league. Bring them home. Yeah, yeah. They contribute across multiple sports in a way. They probably don't supersede any of your teams

and immediately take over the conference, but... There's a lot of return tattoos already in that fan base for different reasons that you could just add little waves around for theme. But it's not South Carolina. I toyed with South Carolina being the one that's not it. And also they're never going to

prize them away so I don't think it's realistic. No one's getting prized away from the SEC for the ACC. Good news of prize. Thank you. So the the team I'm picking is the Yukon Huskies. Reason I'm picking the

Yukon Huskies. They are a realistic option for the ACC. A team that I've seen floated a lot of times. It's an easy get for the ACC, considering Yukon is independent outside of basketball. Yeah, they're going to get them right in there. Here's the thing. Football, they bring nothing to the table. It's something that the ACC needs if they're adding another team is a football team,

a someone to maybe convince Notre Dame to join the league full time, right? Yukon is not that. They're traditionally not very good at football, currently like overachieving in the mid-level status of college football. But if they come to the ACC, they're probably going to, one, hurt the ACC because they're going to come in and probably be six and six or seven and five. They're not going to get buried by the programs that are already there.

So it's going to end up making like a Virginia Tech look bad or it'll be one of Florida State's eight conference losses that they're averaging in the last season. So I think it's a bad look for that. Thank you. When baseball season rolls around, they add another scheduling issue that Boston College has already added, with a north and you can listen to phantom island if you want to hear talks about you know college baseball um that's a podcast that exists uh so like this is a scheduling problem that is now introduced for the first month and a half of the season because you're probably not going to go to connecticut to play baseball in the freezing cold um softball same issue right um meanwhile softball team made it to the regionals last year could also be an issue where they pop in and make the rest of your teams look bad all of a sudden uh considering the acc's

not a softball power. Finally, the biggest issue is what's probably the most rapidly growing college sport and interest and fan support? Women's Basketball. What does Yukon do if they come in to ACC Women's Basketball? Does it provide the ACC with perhaps one of the best, one of the two best women's basketball programs? Absolutely.

What does it also do? Totally fuck Duke, Notre Dame, NC State, UNC, all the teams that have been sitting around like the Louisville and Hollywood. You guys might know, but they were like all around that 9, 10, 12, 15 mark, right? That's kind of where they live. Notre Dame has popped up in some years and been a real contender. UNC. Duke historically have done it, but like they're really fighting to get up and be with the South Carolina and Yukons of the world, and they aren't quite there.

And all Yukon would do by joining the conference has pushed them further down and provide an additional loss in conference for them each season. They're also not a quality loss, though. a quality loss correct a very expensive loss yes which means quality i'm i'm with you all the way until that last point like i i think it would it would boost those programs to to play yukon i don't i think that you take away the opportunity for any acc women's basketball team to win an acc championship for the next 10 years i think that is bad for them uh them getting them being Yukon like the the what has now like what is what what becomes Yukon rolls over this conference

tournament rolls to this conference is almost undefeated every season they're doing what they did elsewhere they've come to the ACC where that should be harder to do and it's now the exact same I don't think that's a good look I see your point though Jason like where just adding the best team adds more eyeballs and like visibility to those programs they're right part of my point is like on a season a season level it would greatly boost the season profile of what those teams have done and like i mean think about how many times it's like oh the shitty seven and five SEC team deserves CFP consideration because they only lost the blah blah blah happens in basketball too um and like i i think more acc teams would make the tourney on the within

the conference long term level i mean i think about like how many SEC teams lost their minds investing in football just because nick sabin was there so like i think if you bring in basketball and saving um the whole conference is going to step it up but is there not also a risk at geno's age that potentially we are nearing the end of what yukon is and we're just assuming that you know i don't know how old gino is he in his 70s yet i think that gino can die is dangerous that's one thing yeah and then also like we will we'll see how sustainable it was like we'll see no 71 we'll see how oh he's got the decades ahead of him but yeah like yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't the move just for Gino, but

I would absolutely view basketball as a positive. Okay. Complete total positive. I completely see your point. I think it hurts men's basketball too because Yukon once again comes in and it's probably, in this case they are probably highly competitive in basketball. But UNC doesn't want that, right?

The ACC powers that are current, like UNC, Duke, they don't necessarily want another good basketball team. They're more concerned with like making sure Clemson and Florida State and Miami don't continue to be come good. It's like it's keeping the power at Tobacco Road. Whereas a Yukon comes in, you're not boosting the profile of the ACC in basketball with Yukon at all. It's already a premier basketball conference and in the argument every year for, is this the best league? And historically has all the cachet that it needs. It doesn't need to add all these additional

national championships that Yukon has had. All it does is it's just to plug in another team that geographically kind of makes sense, but also doesn't do anything for. the new members that you just added to the conference that maybe you're hoping to keep because now if you're uh stanford and cow and sm you're like oh thanks more long travel to the same places we've been traveling to um i would like i would like to add in by the way from the athlete perspective i know a lot of athletes lie and say yeah man i really do want to play best on best and see how good i am if i'm a women's basketball player and hukon's coming to the conference i'm like shit yeah i i completely i don't want to get better

The travel argument is completely valid. I think overall adding strength is always good. The ACC has not been the best basketball conference for a number of years now, right? Like, overall, yes, but like... I don't think, yeah, they've, they've not, you've not been able to argue you confidently like you used to could, right? Yeah, it's a bit of a slump right now. And Big Ten has that more... And Yukon would have completely changed that like two years ago, right?

Sure. But are they consistent enough to always? I don't think so. On either the men's or women's side. I mean, basketball would be a complete, yes, slam dunk basketball term, no doubt, add. I think the argument is that, like, the travel would suck and they don't, I mean, seven and five consistently in the ACC, I think you're being generous. Yeah, I don't think, and I also don't think, like, getting a slam dunk, where it is again, and basketball is a win for conference expansion and conference realignment. Like, this thing has always been fueled by football.

Yeah, that's the main issue. I think you've created a branding nightmare for the ECC. Football is definitely the thing, the reason to, I think this is a good choice server. I think it's good because, A, it's, you know, like I said, it's been in Rovers forever. And B, they would fit in a lot of ways. It would be strength added onto strength, which is good. But I think you're completely right, just because of football. And, like, they've gotten better football.

Sure. Their schedules have. And they have invested, but like, when push comes to shove, you could. just see you con being told hinted at by uh conference leadership perhaps you should spend more on football and they would go hmm that's interesting not a dime what is that again interesting but i'm not interested uh yeah like i i i i 100 and and my other thing is like the acc is probably the easiest one to ruin because you've handed me something that's oh it's and you're like make it worse.

Yeah. I mean, shit, once they add, the things they've added in the past few years, fuck, dude. Yeah. Can, just to be more trouble, as always. Server, I have also taken Yukon for my other conference, but we're going to wait for that. That's my G5 conference. Ryan, you're sawpuppeting my sawpuppet.

I didn't mean to. I didn't know. So we're down to, at the P5 level. Holly has the Big 12. I have the Pac-12. there is no chance I'm going to snipe so highly why don't you go first i'll go first uh with one parting comment for the acc which is that adding yukon also does not serve uh serber's original note that they're going to want to avoid a laugh line here because what do you get when you add yukon

to the acc you get jim phillips on television explaining that new york uh loves yukon that the Huskies are New York College football team which you absolutely know he will do which will be great for us, not for him. All right. I am doing something a little bit different with the concept here of the Big 12 because this is my game

and this choice is going to start four to seven immediate arguments. Hear me out. I'm going somewhere with this. The school that I am going to list here is more of a I am saying this school more to make a point because I am pushing

the realism boundaries here but it's more of a, this school is more of a stand-in for the kind of program, the kind of institution that I think the big 12 needs to avoid. So what does the

big 12 want right now? Anybody. Money. Right? That's it. National relevance is not one thing. Any relevance. Like any, they want to belong right now, right? They want, you know, when it comes time to select these teams, you know,

nobody even mentions, like, will the Big Ten get a team into the playoff? Will the SEC get a team into the playoff? The Big 12 wants to be included in that number. It wants to be seen as a sure thing. It wants its presence at the table to not be questioned. And I was going to say, it feels to me, and maybe this is me reading, much into what happened with the pack 12 I think the big 10 wants to be seen as the smartest guy in the room the one who like has all the has the chess board mapped out

already mm-hmm which is where I think I'm glad you said that because this is a and leaving out any comments that I might have about Brett your mark and chess the biggest mistake and again I'm using this as kind of as kind of an avatar for the kind of chasing that I think the Big 12 doesn't need to do. They do not need to be chasing a team like Texas. Now, hear me out. Clearly, if, and I think this could all become much, much less possible that it already currently is, depending on whether or not Texas football fortunes keep on creeping up as they are currently on an upswing. But I don't find it entirely.

far-fetched to imagine a universe where Texas is tired of not being the be-all-end-all of power within their league, and they decide to return to a league that they can themselves reign over solely in a power conference. Immediately, I also do want this to happen because I want to see if Oklahoma would immediately also go back or A&M. That would be hilarious. However, conceptually what I mean is this think about the big 12 right now as like a a raft of logs on a river let's go with their let let's like go with their you know their far western exploration manifest destiny this is the cowboy conference right this is this is a raft of logs moving down a river in which all of the programs right now are metaphorically speaking clustered on the corners right and if somebody moves too far in one direction This whole thing is going to flip. And if you don't believe them, they just watched it happen with the Pact 12. What kind of got me started thinking about this was, you guys, we all saw the stories about Texas Tech's NIL program around the softball program.

And the gobs and gobs of money that they're able to throw at, and to be clear, the players in question at Texas Tech absolutely deserved all the money they get at that softball program. But Texas Tech is not first on anybody's list, fifth, tenth on anybody's list. None of these smaller, quote, Texas schools are when you think about rich programs in the country. And this, I think, can work to the big 12's advantage. I think that they need to worry about, worry more about shoring up areas that they can control and not go chasing a big name, a big huge megawatt program that will upset the power balance in the conference

because what they have right now in that conference and another thing that started me thinking about this, let's quote Phantom Island again, was Bill and Godfrey talking a couple weeks ago on marriage of numbers and words available at Phantom Island.com, about how there's conceivably six, eight, nine teams that could compete for a share of the big 12 title this year.

They operated without any semblance of parity for so long. And I think their I think their strongest bet in staying together and they have more money. They have more money than people think. And I think they'll be able to get more with the success of these schools specifically in Texas. I think their strongest bet is to try and maintain as much. equity in terms of power, as much parity in terms of power, among the league as possible. And I think if they bring in a program that is too big and too powerful and stick it up on the marquee, I think it's all going to fall apart.

This is very feelings ball-based, and I'm aware of that. But that's where I landed with this. Perit apart. No, I like it because it's very much, do you want to be in a Texas city? situation right in the old big 12 right well the the the only counter argument to whether it would kill the big 12 if that sort of rubric here is arguably this is the only conference that knows how to live through this like that has the fair and experience very fair to know what it's like to have texas in the room doing texas shit all of the time and that they are arguably the most

equipped to deal with it it doesn't mean they like it and it doesn't mean it would be fun and I I think also maybe it feels different when you are and this is an argument in favor of your case it feels different when you are bringing Texas back in as opposed to living with the inertia of it's Texas and they've always been here and we always got to deal with their bullshit I am a little bit stuck on I I really want to like we don't have time today I really want to unpack the scenario in which Texas is like, fuck the SEC. They don't appreciate us.

We're going back to the big 12. And I think that if they had been, if there had been more of an argument against Texas, like if there had been a better case for keeping Texas out of, out of the major postseason, that we might have seen more of that. And I think it's going to be, I think that Texas's football success right now is kind of obscuring that.

But one thing I'm genuinely, and this is kind of what started the genesis of this idea, for this game is that I am genuinely interested to see whether with these how many Texas schools are in the Big 12 or not four with like the four remaining Big 12 Texas schools are not as as we have seen in Texas Tech low key better equipped to deal with the NIL era than we think they are because these programs have more money than maybe you necessarily know about they're certainly willing to sort of like not so much as i'm not so much making an argument for them thriving as i'm making an argument for

their stability and right now doesn't that kind of count is doesn't stability right now in this landscape kind of count as a huge win i guess is what i'm asking so i only have one question why is texasus more destabilizing than texas anem i have i have an argument you're asking you're asking me to pick you're asking me to pick whether texas or texas anem is more powerful in media once again once again on a recorded line once again proving you are you are the because i think you can get enough of the big 12 on board with yes texas is this huge national grand and i will answer that i will answer that question institutionally when it comes to the power brokers of said university in the State House, it's a dog fight.

Austin is going to win there. I am talking about in the, in terms of in the boring conference room fight that is also a rivalry between Texas A&M and Texas in the legislature, I give the edge there to the Longhorns. Okay. I would say this. I think your point is very well taken. I just wanted.

I've seen Texas bitch. Please do not send bomb threats to my parents' church. I've seen Texas bitch about money before, which is why they could be a total disaster again in the SEC if we expand. If there's SEC expansion and schools are at it, I guarantee you Texas is going to bitch about it because in theory it might cost them a dollar. Yeah, they are, they are the, they are, that's my life boat. I'm women and children. No, but for real, they are the most pinch-mouthed, they are the most pinch-mouthed rich program in this country. I would put them on that pedestal.

Now I'd want to know the number of schools the SEC would have to add for Texas's TV money and the SEC to be lower than what it would get in the Big 12. This is pretty fucking big number. Like, we're talking like a dozen schools. We're talking about adding the size of those comments. You could add Delaware to the SEC and Texas would still be making more money than they'd make it the Big 12. Hey guys, Greg Sanky just said Delaware's New York's college football team. I've heard that a lot.

Yeah, I know. The true Michigan, he's calling them. Oh, Jesus. Ryan said that. That wasn't me. Sometimes you can't tell us apart. Anyway, there's my case. Jason, let's hear for the PAC 12.

So I fortunately have the easiest believability case. They just had a Texas state. The crunch of numbers the other day, the ninth best college football program in the state of Texas. It is now a member of the PAC 12. So that's my bar, right? a school who is the ninth best in a state and additionally they are adding suburban Austin

not Austin but suburban Austin which is the 38th biggest TV market in the country and as you know of course Texas State owns that town there is not another college football program in that town so Texas State does get to claim that's why Texas comes first in the name that's why Texas is leaving the SEC because they're like we're getting we're going broke we're tucking tail we're headed to Atlanta where it's safe and quiet Texas State's taking all our

fucking money. We're broke in the SEC. We got to go back home and defend the homestead from those damn O Driscolls at Texas State. So the PAC 12, those are my bars to clear for believability. Why do they add Texas? Well, they get to say, we're in Texas. Okay, sure, lots of things are in Texas, and now you are too. They get to say we have added time zones. Part of the problem of the PAC 12 is all your shit is, it happens at midnight. No one knows about it. Well, now you have a little bit earlier in the day. So let's keep that going. We're going to go to the Eastern Times. zone. Shit, the ACC is coast to coast. Now the PAC 12 is going to pull that off too. Fuck it. Why not? They didn't start this fire. I am going to look to a school that is not the

ninth best in a top tier recruiting state. It is in fact the fourth-ish best in a top-tier recruiting state. I am not going to look to a top 40 metro area. I'm going to look to a top 10 metro area. a pack 12 i am bringing you the georgia state panthers do they have a longer fbs history than texas state ah i forgot to look that part up but it ain't it ain't much different i'll tell you that much have they had more winning seasons no mind your business but texas state has not had very many anyway um if you add their their i did look this up their average attendance over the last five years is basically equal so like you're if you can add texas state you can add anybody um i have brought you the man listen just

as Yukon delivers New York City, just as sexist state delivers Austin. Georgia State delivers so much, so many Atlanta, everywhere you go. All they talk about is the Panthers, and that can be you. And as we all know, Atlanta is a famed city of transplant. So you not only are delivering the Atlanta market with Georgia State, you are delivering the fans of all the other teams that have moved here and made this their home. Sure. Including Stanford and Cal fans.

All the many Stanford and Cal fans finally get to see their team play at home. No offense to all the Texas State fans this is going to trigger. You're basically creating a little United Nations here. They finally get to see their team at home because, of course, Stanford and Cal are going back to the Pact 12 as well. But that's phase two. That's the power five. Let's lightning round the G5, not because they're less important, but because it is 3.45 p.m. after. Fair enough.

I'll start with the Mountain West, which is probably the trickiest one in the country, just because the options are so few if you're pulling from FBS. They're bringing up U-TEP. And again, no offense to U-TEP, but once you're pulling up U-TEP, you are scraping the bottom of the barrel. They have, no offense, you're at the bottom of the barrel. You know this.

It's fine. You know this already. They're adding Northern Illinois. I'm not even going to play that game. I think it's funnier if I just leave Northern Illinois as the moon colony. Just like, yeah, they're way out there. I think it's funnier if I stick to geography. Once again, we're offending to CNN by saying that another team is the moon colony.

Adding New Mexico State and saying like, okay, you and U-TEP, you're moving together, you know, you're traveling buddies, that's something, I guess. But it's still not quite hidden because it's like not a terrible idea. It's literally one of the best possible. Like if you try to get the 2026 Mountain West up to 12 teams, New Mexico State would be one of the best ideas, such as it is. Again, no offense to New Mexico State. So we're going to dip to FCS.

And we're not going to pull for the Big Sky Conference because the Big Sky Conference is too good of a conference to be pulled from. It is perfect, coherent in every way. They have sent me all sorts of merch, and I recently got some that I'm going to put on the Warhammer table tomorrow, Spencer, FYI, heads up. That would be something worthy of the table. We are instead going to pull from a different conference. We're going to grab Utah Tech.

Utah Tech, formerly Dixie State. Formerly Dixie State. Formerly Dixie State. Why did they change that name? Yeah, because you'd rather go by Utah Tech. They've been D1 for only a few years. They have one, one, two, three, four, five, six, ten games. in their five years in Division I.

Formerly, they were decent in D2. They had a really good year as a Juko in 2005. That is who we were bringing up to the Mountain West. And that was a train of thought that led me there to adding Dixie, the former Dixie State to the Mountain West. I'll go ahead and explain why Yukon involves the Mac and Cerber and I are at odds. looking at Mac teams that were rumored for expansion

and I went to Hustle Belt I went to like actual people who followed the Mac so I wasn't just making it of myself most of the names make sense Western Kentucky and Eastern Kentucky are on here MTSU Albany is on there if you want to talk FCC team so is Rhode Island

and most of them you can sort of like get to but the team that I saw that was like this could be a target that I didn't like was football only Yukon. Not Yukon and sports football only I like it I have ball

that's key that's real kinky I really like it and here's why I object to it though in football right now Yukon is one of two independent teams left independents are dying Jason just wrote about this not very long ago I won't stand by and watch

the independent die I understand the Mac needs to survive and I want them to survive but I won't let independents die as a football thing and I think it would be selfish of the Mac to take Yukon away from that status just to add them for football purposes. Also, like, Mac, do you really want to allow Notre Dame to claim the only something status? Like, you want Notre Dame to be able to say we're the one and only final independent? It's also, will it be satisfying to beat Yukon in football and then have their fans to be like, we don't care.

We don't get to play them in the other sport. You don't, yeah, yeah. We went undefeated against Yukon this year. Right, right. Like, you don't, I think it would be, I think it would be wholly unsatisfying. And you would only be, like, it's like, oh, it makes UMass's life easier. Fuck that. You don't need to make you, you gave UMass a home.

UMass also had independent status and cowered away from it, by the way. What if Akron goes independent to make up for it? Is cowering the word or is it running away from? We got to change something. Yeah. Let's just leave, man. Yeah, UMass ran into the garage because they heard lightning, I suppose. just lightning struck and they ran inside.

I would like to do the sunbelt, and I'm going to do it very quickly. The sunbelt needs representation in Texas. There are a couple of FCS possibilities to bring up to the sunbelt, and one of them is one that just keeps like, because of Cam Ward, because of a number of different overachieving possibilities, just gets mentioned. Don't do it. Incarnate word near San Antonio is an overachieving.

achieving athletic power that has a 4,700 person student body. They ain't bringing bodies. They don't have resources. They have a Heisman trophy winner. Yeah, I was going to say Kim Wards for school. They have a Heisman trophy winner, and that's it. But they managed to punch above their weight, and they get mentioned a lot. And I could see the sunbelt in a moment of like 130 weakness, right?

1.30 a. I'm like, oh, we got to sign somebody. Lord, send me a sign. The Lord is like, incarnate word. brother just watch the NFL just watch the NFL draft and aha it has been revealed to me yeah don't just don't do it

you may want to do it but don't it can't be stupid yeah and don't do it you know if you're going to do that go get Abilene Christian okay heck go get Florida State yeah yeah see that's the one I like

I like this is the oh absolutely I like this better than Texas going back to the Big 12th. I like Florida State being so mad at the ACC and then saying, but then the Big Ten and the SEC don't want that they're like, fine, fuck it.

We're going to the Sunbell. I mean, that's what they did when they join the ACC. That's what they do. Florida State joined the ACC under this logic. Fuck it. Let's join a conference we can dominate. It worked great. Run it back.

Yeah, can we hire a bunch of tomato cans to be our custom league? Run it back. What would Bobby Bauer? out and do. This is the one and only time you should ask that. Like, the great achievement at Florida State was managing to win national titles and enjoy national prominence and get great talent and do all the things they did by embracing the marketing stunt of playing against some of the shittiest players of the 1990s, but then

being really good, right? Like when they played good teams, they won, but they were also like, hey, Wake Forest accountants, you ready to catch this 70 burger? Future milkmen of Virginia, come on town. Future account reps of the tri-state area. Come up and catch this whoopin. The year before FSU joined, Georgia Tech goes, and half the voters are like, hmm, but Colorado only lost like one and a half games.

If you ignore this other game, we also saw them lose. That was the opinion of the ACC. And FSU is like, we have found our home. Let's join these scuzz balls. Let's take the most talented coach of his generation, right? Bobby Bowden, an absolute football genius. And we're going to stop it right there. That guy will take great players like Peter Wark,

and we will put them in action against the MBAs of UVA's football team. Guys who were going to be banking professionally. Trevers. A whole squad full of Trevers. Let's take them and put them up against George Welsh. Let's do it. George Walsh was a good coach. He was a Bobby Bowdoin.

Like, 1987, the ACC was the sixth-ranked conference by sports reference. I think that sounds like a deal. I'm Bobby Bowdo. Spencer's being a slurs, I thought you were building up to make a case for Oklahoma State joining the Sunbelt. You know, does Oklahoma State want that smoke? That was going to be the back half of the joke. I'm not sure how well they could succeed in the Sunbelt at this time. I'm assuming Mike Gundy would only sign up to just.

join either Conference USA or the American just for those problems reasons at this point. The One America News conference. I would think he'd want to be independent because that's as close as you can be to a sovereign citizen as a football program. So we'll replace Yukon with Oklahoma State.

I mean, which one won more games last year? Damn. Threefold. The government of Nicaragua recognizes the sovereignty of Oklahoma State. Ryan, can you put that on a mug? Oklahoma State University.

not be in the merch store what's this gold standard pistol peat i don't understand what he's doing conference USA Spencer you almost took one of mine because I was going to trick question everyone and argue and this would be a better end for the whole thing but I don't want to end on a downer note I would argue that conference USA already died in admitting Liberty University

and therefore upsetting the notion of what is and is not a college football team in the first place. And if you do not believe that admitting liberty to the FBS was a slippery fucking slope, welcome to the Mountain West Grand Canyon. That is all I have to say at this time.

Yeah. Yep. Conference USA. You're already dead. You've been dead for two years. It's good. Strong. I love that. I will finish us off with the American real quickly. The American also still exists. The teams that are in it because I know no one knows are UAB, Army, Charlotte, ECU, FAU, Memphis, Navy, North Texas, Rice, South Florida, Temple, UTSA, Tulane, Tulsa, and Wichita State, who does not play football. That was a bit of my- say wait a second that that was a bit of my inspiration for who we're going to choose one of the things

as the american right now in this like where you are you have to make sure that you don't lose navy army there are your two premier things that you have one of the reasons you're probably not losing them it's because you're not making those service people fly all the way across the country texas is the furthest they go unless you count tulsa but anyways um so add a west coast school piss them off they're going to be gone make sure that when you add the west coast school you don't piss off a conference that wants to come take a bunch of your schools, then gutting your entire conference. Well, you would do that if you took a future

PAC 12 team in Gonzaga and said, Gonzaga, we'd like for you to start a football program. So you have Gonzaga now joining a football conference in which UAB did not have a football program three or four years ago when they had to take a brief break. Charlotte,

Charlotte, brand new football program within the last 10 years, you're probably going to lose ECU to the Sunbelt when Army and Navy decide fuck this we're going back to be an independent we do not want any part of what's going on now um Tulane also probably looking at the Sunbelt American it's in the last three years has gone from being the group of like the one that says it's no it's six right to now being one of the weakest like what why are you even existing

and then you had a team that hasn't had football since 1941 until them the restart their However, surely this is the year their basketball teams are going to win a basketball. No, they're not going to win a national championship either. That's the other thing. They're not going to win an addie. Sorry, Alex. Gonzaga Bulldogs, welcome to the American. Thank you.