Shutdown Fullcast - Get Ready With Us (Trump Take Gummy Dildo)

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

Ryan shares his bold new vision for personal bankingSpencer gets a new nicknameYes, Venom is also in this episode. You're welcomeA dive into the lore of Gatorlode®"How do y'all vomit?"This will eventually be known as "the Halle Berry episode" for a couple different reasons, and we're confident you will be surprised by both of them!Tips for Men: Maximize productivity in your morning routines!Is This Movie A Sports Movie? <--- discussIt's Merch Madness time! What's that mean? Several things! First, we've got some new items up in the Shutdown Fullstore (www.preownedairboats.com) celebrating Protect Trans Kids UniversityBut that's not all: From now through the end of the month (that month is March 2025), ALL proceeds from our store – PTKU gear, Antioch the Birthday Spider greeting cards, everything – will be divided evenly and donated to Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/), the Transgender Law Center (https://transgenderlawcenter.org/), and Point of Pride (https://www.pointofpride.org/)The celebration won't stop there; more about that at the end of the monthAnd coming up next month: The 2025 Charitibundi Bowl begins on April 14Fullcast theme song arranged and performed by Becca LynchCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz: https://linktr.ee/killerantzListen to Ryan's other, less harrowing show, We're Not All Like This, and check out his new narrative podcast with Steven Godfrey, Who Killed College Football? https://www.wkcfb.com/Check out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/DID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write a year-round newsletter, featuring football and also unfootball things, at https://channel-6.ghost.io/

I did have a thought today. Banks should have sandwiches. Go on. Going to the bank, and I think post offices should have sandwiches too. I don't need this to be the best sandwich possible, but I think every bank should have, and every post office should have a little kiosk or a little cart that's like, hey, also you can buy a sandwich here, if you would like.

Yeah? Are we thinking like an automat, or are we thinking like a cart manned by a friendly person? As somebody who really enjoyed the mixed up files of Mrs. Basley, Frank Wiler as a child, the automat is very appealing to me. However, I would be fine with either option. Like, I just think if I have to go wait in line at the post office, if I could stop on the way, even if they were just like, hey, do you want a hot dog for $2? I'd be like, yeah, I'll eat a hot dog in the bank line. Why wouldn't I do that?

We need to Costco more businesses. Right. Ryan, do you think this should go for like every public service type place, whether it's a public or private institution, just anything where it's like, you know, you're kind of just like milling around in a big herd? I think if it's self-contained and it's probably going to have a line, yes. I think, like, do I think old Navy should start selling? sandwiches no i don't think so like i think old navy is is geared towards like a there's a lot of

touching of stuff and i don't really want people being like oh i went and tried on the jeans with my mustard hands and now the jeans are mustardy sure and if you eat too many sandwiches you need a different size right right but if you go to the dmv and it's like hey we have cinnamon rolls for yeah absolutely why not so my follow-up is do you think subway should have sandwiches I think Subway is, I can't talk about Subway right now. The Cookie Footlaw is haunted. Brian, you need to unburden yourself because then I want to send you something. I blame you for this, by the way, because we know that our phone microphones are always on.

I need you to tell them why you're so upset so that I can show you what my phone then coughed up for me after discussing this with you. Are we talking about the cookie footlong? Oh, no, no, no. We are. We are because I guarantee you almost. I got something worse, at least visually. All right, well, the two things that come to mind recently that I have shared with you in some way, shape, or form are the cookie footlong at Subway, which appears to be like a small baguette of cookie. I've only seen a picture of it.

I haven't seen it in person, and I have, I did have a couple people post at me to say, like, hey, I tried this, and it wasn't as bad, that bad. I still, like, visually, the cookie foot long disturbs me. Pretzel foot long, no problem. pretzels can come in any shape whatsoever if like dinosaur pretzel would love that would love full-side dinosaur pretzel the other thing you might be talking about was also sent to me by a blue sky user and the best way to describe them is that they are in the freezer section these are found in the freezer section of a public's they are pizza rolls but filled with i think it was turkey pot pie and that's yeah Okay, so that is basically, I don't, like legally I think that's permissible because as a concept, it is a soup dumpling. Yes, yes. The footlong cookie, is it specifically the chocolate chip one that is a... That's the one that feels most uncomfortable too.

Have you seen the Oreo one? I have seen the Oreo one as well. And the Oreo one strikes me as so absurd that I become okay with it. I'm looking right now. I'm seeing this information for the first time. I'm looking right now at this fucking boat, this canoe of Oreo. It's like a brownie with a filled with chopped up Oreo remains.

Yeah. This looks like breakfast to me. Yeah. I'm going to. Yeah. I'm going to be taking down numerous. Subway is really pushing for a place that for a while was like, hey, it's subway.

Take care of your body. Be healthy. Eat fresh. We got vegetables for $3. Now they're like, ah, fuck it. What if sandwich was cookie? What if sandwich was cooking? What if, what if Oreo but boat?

What if Burger King flat chicken was chocolate? Hey, it's called the surfboard plank for a reason. It's meant to go on water. That's right. That's right. Ryan, may I make it worse? Please. I present to you an Instagram ad that was fed to me shortly after our discussion of the

footlong cookie. I it's the photo I think that makes it the worst but if I told you that there was a brand called the gummy bear guy and that that guy sold something called the world's largest gummy worm you might be thinking this is like a fruit of the foot situation and not a tremor situation sure sure you would be wrong oh man that looks disturbingly sexual what about it all of it all of it all parts of it like disturbingly sad. Why do they put two hands on it? I think it's to indicate both girth and length but would you guys like to describe what you're seeing right now?

Sure. I mean, this is a gummy worm that I would say is roughly the size of like maybe a wiffle ball bat. Does that feel right? But because it's being held straight, the second hand is to prevent flopping.

It's being held like your you're putting hands on a bat to choose who bats first, right? Correct. Yes, yes. But does it look like, and again, if you listen to this show with children, don't do that. Ask you not do it. Don't do it anymore. We told you not to do that. Does it look like a double-ended dildo?

It does look like a double-ended dildo because it's the similar colors as sex toys and ribbed like a sex toy. For those of you who- Because it's got the worm segmentation. Correct. It is ridged along its entire length. For those of you following along at home, double-headed dildo here in this case means it is rounded on both ends, not that it is bifurcated at one end. Yes, that's fair. That's fair. Also, where do you start eating this?

Middle. Oh. Oh, but then you can swing them around like nunchucks. Gum chucks. Trademark. Trademark. Trademark. I would get a bread knife and cut it into slices, like some sort of fucked up.

What kind of sound do you? think the bread knife makes as it slices through those ridges. No, I don't like that at all. I think you got to just take it by the tip, slide it gently through the mouth into the back of the throat. Then what? Hand motions there. Folks, listeners at home, I wish, I wish you could see.

They're still going. What if we can't breathe around it? Well, you know, that is a problem. What is, breathe through who knows, idiot? Yeah. What is your, what does the sexual gummy, gummy worm run you? Oh, online. Dang, I didn't even look.

Hang on. I don't want to make you click through if you don't want to. No, let me just see if it says. This says it's free. Does it? Does it? Does it. Does it.

It does say it's cherry flavored. A man delivers this to you in a box and he says, one day, if you eat this, you, someone in the world is on. 3499? Wow I actually appreciate that price point Because I think that's gonna push a lot of people away Which has got to be more than Like three pounds of just gummy worms, right?

No, I think that's, I think, no Are they that expensive? I'm not a gummy worm or In price, uh, I don't know I mean, maybe these days Trump take gummy dildo Don't like that Don't like that Can't have a dang thing in the

country don't like that either bring back the pronouns i still say the turkey pot pie boston market um pizza rolls are more are the most disgusting thing we've talked about yeah because every time you say boston market i think about the smell the night you brought boston market into my home right right like wet cat like it's like the clean it's like the drain at the end of the night at a bar plus some turkey well and it's the deception because sexual gummy worm very clear what it is off the off the rip same with Oreo canoe of death like you understand what you see is what you get yes these look these these fucking boss of market things they look like pizza rolls and if I were a meaner person I would go to a Super Bowl party at a friend's house I didn't like

that much and I would cook these and bring them and be like who wants pizza rolls And the next thing, you know, you're like, oh, it's hot and it's got peas in it. It feels like the Boston adds to the unappealingness of it. Because, like, there's so few foods that I'm like, oh, this is the Boston version. I'm in on this. On the other hand, we're all now on the hunt for panties that say you broke into the wrong goddamn rec room. Hey, Reba.

I'm I'm trying to I'm going to I'm You know I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm Hmm. Welcome to the shutdown forecast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall.

I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by... What happened? Give me three more. Give me three more. Keep going. I am Spencer. All right.

Now give it to me angry. I am Spencer Hall. But if I wanted to give it to you angry, I'd use the word. world's largest gummy worm now now now give it to me english you are a robot and you don't understand the words that you're saying it's with the english access yes you are british you're british you're c3b but you are miswired in such a way that you're just spouting words my mouth just had a seizure trying to do this Space hole.

Not since Scottish Charles Berkeley. Have we seen such contortions come from this end of your body? Yeah, you got Chav C3PO. That's fine. That would watch. Yeah. Weese 3PO. Mushy peas P.O.

Would watch Crank 3PO. Weezy 3PO brings up the specter of like steel magnolias in space. Sure. I like crank C3PO because, like, to get 3PO, like, agitated and at a high, high cardio situation, it doesn't take a lot. No. Just be like, oh, 3PO, the math doesn't work out. Oh, his heart's cranking. He is, the adrenaline spike will last days.

I mean, he can't run, so, like, just walking sort of gets him worked out. This is on the new list, Jason. Let's open a new file. Robots who can have heart problems, C3PO. I mean, I think he might have an excellent ticker just because of the stress that he puts himself through just by the sheer act of thinking about anything. Yeah. No, robots with anxiety problems. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. Really most of them. Yeah. 3PO can't sleep for shit. You know that. Oh, yeah. No, you have to turn him off, literally. R2 does canonically sleep great.

Yeah. Yeah. Because he offloads all his problems on the 3P. he just puts them all on the mainframe computer is like the big dork can deal with this

yeah give me memory retaining give me memory wipe that's what R2 wants memory wipe then sleep I've seen enough

the dream or lack thereof call me when you need something cute yeah I'm here I'm here for comic relief from the occasional

day of sex mock you know okay beep boop also joining us Ryan Nanny oh right we're still doing this show Jason Kirk Holly Anderson and Michael Server on the ones and

twos I'm Spencer Hall I'm Spencer Hall that's my favorite one I am Spencer Hall I am Groot yeah like the I am CNN for somebody doesn't like the sound of my own name

I've had to say it a lot today A lot. Were you specifically? Yeah. No, I mean, just this recording this. Oh. I think that's the most I've said my name on the show ever. You don't like the sound of it?

Never did. Because if somebody, I've always said that if somebody calls you by your name, which all of those, all this how to win friends and make influences and make friends and win influences. What do you think it's called again? It's a crap book anyway. Well, yeah, yeah. Because all of the rules don't. all the rules are reversed for me. There's a line in there where

where he says like, oh, nothing's more melodious to someone than the sound of their own name. Bullshit. Yeah. No way. That means you want something. Or I'm in trouble.

It's maybe too many people have read those books and have come around to that advice. Like if someone is saying my name, I'm like, why are you doing it? Did someone tell you to do this? Like it rings as like, knock it off. me buddy i was going to say what what if i use a nickname if if i start calling spencer pork chop does that start become the lovias to his ear that's pretty fucking sick well hell pork chop how you been

that would be fine i would so much rather prefer that than for you to you can call me you know you'd be like hey what's up pork hammer like that'd be great no not pork hammer not couldn't call you pork cammer. Especially not after the discussion we opened this podcast with. Don't eat your gummy dildo until you finish your pork hammer. Like that is on Dale Carnegie's list of bullshit like axioms for life, that is number two is remember and use people's names where I would like you to forget and not use my name.

That would be awesome. All right. So we're replacing that with call everyone pork chop. Call everyone. Listen, normalize hostem, bossdom. I just realized we're describing like the George W. Bush presidency and fart. Yeah.

Hey, chief. Everybody's chief. It's gender neutral. It does like, maybe a pilgrim. That's good. Yeah. I like scout.

Pilgrim, scout, boss. Jack? Hey, Jack. Oh, slugger. And we got slugger in there? Sure. That's good. And a good.

Buddy. Tomcat. Tiger. Tiger. see so many quality options good hey scooter punkin punkin no wrong direction

no punk is a little close that's a little friendly boss nobody will turn down boss what if you call everyone Spencer that would also if we do the Spartacus like in your in your culture

Spencer means pal boy you'd be screwed if they were true um yeah that would be fine if everybody got called by that you know or uh or you know bob dave some sort of like old schoolish one syllable name that would also be totally fine that was one of the only piece of advice you gave me when i found out i was going to be a parent you said and i quote name the baby dave yeah name the baby dave it's always a Good idea. You've also suggested that as a name for every foster dog I've ever had.

It's a great name. All right. It's a great name for anybody. All right. So, so is it just that you want to be Dave? Do you want to be Dave going forward? Dave Hall with the weather. Rather you'd not use my name by any name.

All right, pork chop. Okay, Spencer, Dave. Oh, thank you. What if, yeah, what if you're super Dave? Pork chop. I can't live up to that. Pork chop, Dave, Paul. Pork chop, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave,

Listen, you're going to do this And then people on the internet Oh, we're going to do this 100% And I'm not going to remember any of this So I'm going to be like, why are all these people calling me, Dave? It will be like three years from now Someone is going to say like, hey, what's up, pork Dave?

And he'll be like, what a funny thing you just made up right now. Man, just had a stroke. If you're telling me the worst thing that will happen to you on the internet is people start calling you Dave I've seen what else has happened to you You're doing fine I'm good I'm so good Why don't you eat cheese

What's soup I found a picture of a random man with the beard Is this you? Oh yeah I love that Being called Dave is so much better Than any of these things I don't think we're equipped To handle the level of internet notoriety

That is enjoyed by say like a Scott Van Pelt Sure Yeah absolutely not Scott, would you like your phone to be filled up with pictures of every bald man who has ever walked the earth? Too bad. Here's sports. Yep. Yeah, this is what you get as part of your benefits package for being dude famous.

You get 20 guys all making the same jokes for your mentions. He has never used this to try and summon a militia of those men. So this happens to Scott. This happens to Spencer. It has happened to me with some frequency. And here's the thing. When people send you a like, you, oh, hey, is this you or this guy looks like you. It's never good.

It's never in the like, that's not me because that person is more handsome than I. It's never. The line never goes past. No way, that's what we're going to start with Ryan. We're like, Ryan, is this you and it's just Joe Mangonello? It's Jason Momoa. No, no, wait. It's Hallie Berry walking out of the ocean and her James Bond get up.

Ryan, is this you? I will say the opposite also feels bad because when people tell me it look like Joe Borough, I'm like, no, he's handsome. If I stood next to him, if I stood next to him, I would look disgusting. Oh, I see. So, like, it is, it is, it's not good either way. That's true. What if we could get him to pick you up and put you on his shoulders? That would be good.

Like father's son reverse, you could get him. Like father's son reverse chicken fight. No, thank you. Who's the one you could rock with, though, like that you've gotten and you go, if that that's what I get, I'm okay with it. Nope. I don't, I, I, I, I, Vin Diesel. Yeah, there, I would also take Vin Diesel.

Sure. There. Okay. We've, we've, we've often been told that we look like four Vin Diesel. We are Groot, so. What a family. We are Venom. Oh, man, I take it back, Venom. There was, somebody did a meme about like, girls looking at, media.

Oh, what unrealistic standards. Boys looking at media. Got to go to the gym so I can look like Venom. True, though. True, though. I got to get on that Venom diet. Venom goals. Yeah.

Venom would 100% eat the subway Oreo. Oh, God. Yeah. Wait, what's the subway Oreo? The Oreo boat. Oh, sorry. I thought there was some, listen, there's been so much going on. I just assumed that there was some memetic Oreo that had been found on the subway that

was now a subject of great debate that I didn't know about. Eddie, are we going to subway? Eddie, can we go to subway, Eddie? Eddie, Eddie, eat flesh. Eddie, did you see it? Did you see what they have now, Eddie? The other thing that's offensive about the cookie loaf is that it's $5 and it reminds you of the time, hey, remember what the fuck is say it, which is $5, now all you get is

been cooking. You used to get a meal for $5. Ryan, can I give you a thought exercise real quick? Sure. Is it more or less offensive if the word. loaf is removed because something about the word loaf faintly unsettles me. I am inserting that.

They don't call it the cookie loaf. I think because then they would have to admit that this is meant to be multiple servings and not just big cookie bread. Ryan, this is Subway, who's a person and has rights for the Supreme Court. I'm deeply offended

that you're disparaging our product as a cookie loaf. You're right. Cookie slab. That's right. I retract all my negative connotations about whether or not you should put the Subway $5 cookie through a bread slice or not. I'm going to do a Morgan Spurlock thing where somebody just lives on the cookie loaf for six months. I'll do it. They become impossibly powerful. I'll do it. My blood work's amazing. You ever thought about trying to do like a reverse Mr. Beast where we just announced that if Jason eats nothing but the cookie loaf for 30 days, everyone has to give him a million dollars?

Yeah, that's a good plan. You say that, but I'm pretty sure that's how we're running HUD right now. God, I wish Mr. Beast was in charge of something in the government. At least I know it would get like completed. It wouldn't be safe, but it definitely be completed. If you'd replace any of these assholes of Mr. Beast, that would be an improvement. Somebody's got a cat. that is no that is betty over here less interesting

fit because i won't let her um i don't know have dog plans you have no plans you have no schedule shut up um holly brought this to my attention so yeah which is um the lore of gator load which i was not familiar with no somebody sent this to us a couple people sent this to us like which after we read it deeply flattering thank all of you It's a book that is not new, but it is being highlighted by Dan Diamond. Yeah, and Phil Jackson's memoirs, one of Phil Jackson's memoirs, which means that there are multiple ones. I want the ones that involve peyote and doing LSD with the New York Knicks. According to Phil Jackson's memoirs, Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls consume.

gator load, which is a, that is G-A-T-E-R-L-O-D-E, which is a high-carb drink in an M-P-A-F-A-F-A-F-L-L-L-A-L-L-E. And the quote was... Can you define high-carb? So the trainer gave them gator-load instead of gator-Aid. Okay. And gator-load is spelled because it's that kind of show, Gator-L-O-D-E, as in mother-load. Yeah. Which it truly is the mother-load because each of the place.

To advertise this as like being three cups of this next to a plate of pasta or something. Somebody put an ad in this thread. Yeah. Oh my God. That's how they used to advertise this. Instant, high energy, isotonic, carbohydrate drink mix. The full name was Gator Load 280. It's next to this gigantic six and three quarters cups pasta.

Also, it was apple flavored for some reason. It shouldn't have a number next to it like it's motor oil. That feels bad. The only other thing And the drink I can think of that has a number after it is Like 151 Yes, correct Yeah

Anyway, we haven't gotten to the good part yet Which is the quote that follows So the equipment manager Mistakenly serves according to Phil Jackson Gator load two players in What I think if we're doing this right here is game four Before the Flu game Right?

yep um here's here's here's here's the money quote uh they were looking into why the team was so sluggish in the closing minutes they found out they'd been served gear load then calculated that each of the players had ingested the equivalent of 20 baked potatoes now now while this now well they this is framed in the moment as this is why these guys played sluggish but what i'm immediately more interested in is who adjusted the equivalent of 20 baked potatoes before NBA finals game and thrived. Michael Jordan, 34 points.

Scotty Pippin had 26. Scotty Pippin thrived because it was free. He's like, well, do I dump to pay for this? I'm cheap. I'm more powerful than never. This is great. I'm going to eat this before every game. Sorry, drink this.

Now you say that, but I'm looking at the basketball reference. box score for this game and I'm looking specifically at plus minus plus minus is somewhat of a limited statistic I would offer but it is useful do you know which member of the of the 97 Chicago Bulls had the best plus minus came off the bench admittedly but still played 24 minutes who had the best plus minus for the Bulls in this game I did look this up so I'm going to let the others guess what years is again this is 1997 yeah prime bulls yeah

Bill Cartwright went to town on these I'll give you a hint he's also a bull kind of in another way Spencer I'm going to give you one word hint cigarette Tony CooCooch that's right

Tony Cooch plus 10 plus 10 the starters got fucking killed looked like shit Tony Coocoach in 24 minutes a cool nine points

four assists three rebounds like contributed in a useful and meaningful way Michael Jordan minus six Tony Kukoch, 16 points better than one of the greatest basketball players of all time thanks to Gator Load. I

insist that if you played their careers out the exact same way and replace Gatorade with Gatorade with Gatorade with Gator Load. Tony Kooch would be the person And we are constantly arguing. Greatest player in NBA history. I have dropped another fact into the chat for you, Ryan. Yes.

Just to enjoy. Go ahead and read that one off. That one was trying to tee Spencer up for that one because it's Buffalo adjacent. Yeah. That would be Bison Dele who had 10 points in 19 minutes off the bench. RIP, buddy. Just ambling? Like, yeah, I think if we had, if we lived in the world exactly like this,

where Gator Load replaces Gatorade. The Jumpman logo is instead Tony Cooch on the toilet smoking a cigarette. But what if he's also in mid-air? Like what if he's doing? Like E.T. Across the moon? Yeah. What if he's doing the scissor legs? But there's like, yeah.

Like in silhouette, I don't know how exactly you'd pull this off, but graphic design is our passion. We'll work on that. Yeah. Yeah. Tony Kukoch walked so fat Luca and Yoko He did Oh my God

Luca on Gator Load That's a monster right there He's on fire God damn Can you imagine fucking juggerna A pretty Impossible

Stock on Yokich would be Yokic would be like triple double before Gator load Gator load triple double after No effect None Lucas hulking out

Yeah Remember those like many faces of Jim Tressel Mames we used to do And it's just Lucas face after 20 big potatoes Just same picture in a grid Just listen let that man hit the hookah on the bench Come off 20 baked potatoes liquid form in his gut 40, 20 and 15 a night

That's what you're getting Which team is going to be the first to have like an energy hookah Nevermind, that's Atlanta. It's already Atlanta, right? Yeah, yeah. Energy hook up behind the vents Yeah Might already have it Yeah This would also be a great way

To tank Like if you wanted to tank But you didn't want your players to know Just replace Gatorade with Gator load Be like God we suck Size of a tank You can tank damage And you're tanking in the standings

Get it We gotta get in there And give Yokic six hard fouls first Let me top you off with some gator load Tanks move with You can really lean into them I would also like to say Gatorade

Pretty like pretty solid name Has lasted over the years Has like entered the cultural vernacular pretty easily Rolls off the tongue Gator load is a terrible Fucking like God It sounds awful

Sam like hey Oh boy Time to go get some more Gator load Gator load This is I would love to see this in a football context because the fourth quarter would just be a nightmare.

Just guys, guys puking up, it looked like mucilage all over the sideline. It's like when you cut a aliens universe android in half. Yeah, it's like the blood that they have. Yeah. Yeah.

You get five false starts in a row because your offensive linemen are just, br-uh! You make the most entertaining vomit noises that don't sound like anybody I've ever known vomiting. But once, I've heard that noise.

I'm like, no, that's how it should sound. Sure. How do you all vomit? What kind of noises do you make? Not so much vocalization in mine. It's more of like a coffee pump. I can hear people pressing skip 30s. Skip 30.

Wait, come back. There's mouth noises. Let's categorize. Are you familiar with the peak notes of Nesson Dorma as performed by Luciano Poverati? Vincereau. Sounds exactly like that What I was doing It's fine

None of us do Gator load Let's bring it back Let's bring back Advertising sports drinks By their massive equivalent Impasta I'm talking only to one of our

Corporate Previous corporate benefactors right now It's sending a business message Just to you all right Only you and only you If you're not that person Tune out folks Here we go, three words

Gator load fast Twitch we're on the floor brother ready ready we are we are standing by uh let us know how much money you want to you want to give us for us to try this and start telling it that's it in my influencer getting ready in the morning video it's just going to be me plunging my face into a bowl of gator load not and then staying there and then getting stuck and then rubbing your face of the potato skin for yeah helps it's good for the skin I can't get out of the gator load It shows 4.30 a.m.

Dunging my face in Gatorloat. 5.30 a.m. still stuck in Gair Lod. What if you sleep in? 6.30 a.m. 10. 10.m. 10.m. 10.m. 10.30 a.m. Like the wet senator and ex-men. The hideous blob. returned, I returned to the ocean as a drop of water. Yeah, just Hallie Berry holding my hand while I dissolved into a pool of Gator Load.

She's got a lot of chops in this, in this story. And people watch this and are like, is that Ryan? This is the Hallie Berry episode. Why is Ryan accompanying the cater load into the ocean? Ryan, I loved you in Monster's Ball. The story is full of plot holes. Poor Ryan. And to make love to Billy Buff Thornton.

That's fine. Yeah, he's gentle. According to the show document, Hmm. Next, next, next, next, next, next, next item, folks, have you seen this? Have you heard this? Have you heard this?

Is Bill Belichick an Insta-Gurly? That's what it says on the dock. All right, this one was mine. Okay, go ahead, Ryan. Okay, who put it in the dock in those terms? Spencer. Okay. Spencer, what do you think that means?

Um, It means somebody who will go to outrageous links in order to Instagramize their life in every context, i.e., bringing a tripod with them so that they can engage in a photo op with their significant other, like, I don't know, I'm trying to think of one, one that might be relevant, maybe doing a yoga pose. Okay. Yeah. So are you saying Bill Belichick is the Instagram girly or the Instagram boyfriend? Holly, yes. Okay. Spencer put this in the dock, but I'm the one who brought it up.

up okay i there is i by this point if you're a listener to this show unless again you're one of the people who gets news from this show and if you are welcome as always uh i think there is an unexplored facet of the bill bellichick taking acro yoga photo photos with his girlfriend on the beach phenomenon i think we're leaving a discussion point on the table because initially what you heard from a lot of people is, wow, how did Bill Belichick get talked into this photo? And I think that's making a pretty big assumption there because I don't know if you've seen him in public, at many public events since his relationship with this woman became known. I think that we're abandoning too quickly the possibility that Bill Belichick himself is the one who wants the

Instagram yoga photos on the beach for the grid. Okay. Walk that out for me if you would. I mean, I'm pretty sure I just did. Why would that be the case? What leads you to that conclusion? Well, how much have you guys seen of him at, you know, red carpet events and whatnot lately?

I've seen the photos. Dude looks fucking chuffed. He looks thrilled. He looks thrilled to be there. okay he's also don't forget kind of a he's a nantucket boy yes the sailboat magazine cover is one of the happiest he's ever looked from years ago and so every you know everyone's talking about like oh my gosh how did this girl talk to the bellichick into like setting up a camera at the beach and doing timed yoga like timed yoga and i'm not sure we should remove agency from him quite so quickly

i could see it either way i could see that he's uh totally fine with uh the situation i and i haven't been a person who is like oh my god how did like it didn't i think the the starting point that a lot of people jumped to that um he must have needed a lot of uh cajoling to do this that didn't occur to me personally so i mean i'm on board with what you're saying do you think he's always had this impulse but he because of his age and natural sort of gruffness did not know how to express it outside of the sailing magazine called and they want you to be on like do you think he just needed somebody to sort of help him embrace Instagram as an outlet for this part of him? Let me go back into Bill Belichikology a little bit into the annals, okay, because I want

you to consider this. Man spent his whole life in a film room, almost literally, grew up as the son of the guy who wrote the book on scouting, grew up in Navy football. Clearly knows how to find his light. right and when randy moss in the foot in the bill billiichick of football life which if you have not watched go go go watch it go watch it if only for the scene of him attempting and failing to set the clock in his car on the dash it's delightful bill bellichick is invited to a Halloween party by randy moss does anyone recall both the answer to the invitation and how he arrived okay he was I remember that at first he was very hesitant

he was sort of like I don't think I'm going to come blah blah he was he was gruff and cranky but his arrival is the polar opposite he's wearing a pirate costume like a good

like a really good one pirate costume yeah with a great coat right like the pirate coat and not just that it's a Halloween party at a roller rink so he's on roller skates in a pirate costume and do you remember the look on his face it's pure joy i've just looked it up just now he's uh he's having he's having a blast he's having a damn blast yeah which means it's very possible that when we sued bill bellichick having fun in public it might be the first time he's had that specific kind of fun.

Well, I didn't trick or treat much as a kid. I spent Halloween studying tape of the St. Louis Cardinals. So this is my first time I've ever thought about the clothes I've put on. And as a reminder, maybe our most relevant full cast subject matter yet because he's, believe it or not, he's the coach at North Carolina, even though he didn't go to their pro day. this is his title I kind of like that it's like yeah I don't know those guys

they're going pro but I've never met them so they're leaving that's not my business those are the guys who used to play here so I like that

I'm liking this theory that Bill Belichick is like embracing his dandy in a way that sounds bad I think she's right I think Bill

is like, if anything, at the very least, completely on board with this. If not instigating. If not like, well, where's the tripod? I kind of set that out. I think it's like the like, oh, how'd she talk a bit of that? I think that's a performative dude thing. That's like a dude wanting to sound like, a girl could never talk me into having fun.

Like, because then you want, you're trying to impress, you're trying to impress other guys and say like, look out, look how impermeable to, I can't. no one can suggest anything to me right and then all you think all your other bro's going to be like wow that dude's such a badass no one has ever talked him into anything no one fucking cares man like do the stupid pose it's fine like you're not impressing anyone by not doing the stupid pose that guy's so cool he's never had fun yeah oh that's sick dude that's so sick fucking awesome hold on i got to listen to this podcast it's called two dudes never having fun I don't know how to open a bank account

but at least no one could make me have a fun pose on the beach. Fund's too expensive ever since Biden. I thought we weren't opening a bank account because they're too expensive. They are too expensive. They are too expensive. Well, Mark Cuban shamed me by saying I'm poor.

Really, they're too frivolous. Jeez. Frivolous and ladylike. Bank accounts. The thing we wouldn't let women have on their own for decades are now. Fellas. Too frivolous for men.

Fellas, it's woke to have a bank account. Real men keep their money in a pile. I don't think a lot of people know how recently in living memory this was the thing. But when my mom graduated from Tennessee in like 74 and went to her first job and got her first paycheck, she had to mail it to West Virginia so her dad could deposit it in the bank because she could not. With a master's degree. She could not open a bank account in Knoxville. We have to convert girl dollars to boy dollars.

Which is really funny because her dad was the one who insisted that she stayed for the master's degree so that, and this is a direct quote, you won't ever have to depend on no man. All right, which American dolls do you want to get paid in this week, honey? There's a generation that would have gone in for that. Yeah, I am, I am comfortable embracing the theory that Bill Belichick is an Instagram girly. I thought this was mislabeled in the sheet initially, but now I get it. This is my theory that Spencer put in those terms. I think he actually did a good job. I don't usually say that, but yeah, he did.

March 25th, Spencer actually did a good job. It's been a long road, but you did it, bud. It's a long road, and I get the feeling it's going to be a long road behind us, and I get to feeling a short road in front of us. Well, yeah. And yet. Imagine, fellas, is it so as to ask another man where you can make deposits? Can be.

Yeah. But you know what? You know what? Dude would go to the bank if it had sandwiches. Hmm. Oh, what if they're like, no? What if they're like tea sandwiches? This is how we trick men into financial literacy.

Okay. Turkey legs. Fellas is a guy to go to the bank if they don't have sandwiches. What if banks have turkey legs? Yeah, big manly turkey. That restore 50 points. The lobby is just a cardboard box propped up with a turkey leg. And when they take the turkey leg, the box comes down around them and a counselor appears through the floor.

Like, let's talk about your portfolio. Yeah. Let's talk about, have you thought about retirement? No. Go away. Give me turkey leg. Grind forever. Grind forever.

I keep money in pile. Here, we're going to have you eat. sign this because your hands are too slippery to hold a pen. Wake up at 3.45. Drown self and soda water. Grind. All my buddy's in Gator Load.

Add money to pile. Take some money from Pile to buy more Gator Load. Do we want to explain the get ready with me? God. That's so that is so visual. Do we want to get it? What is the easiest way

we can tell people to Google it? It's one of those just grind set shits where it's like every five, minutes of my day. I'm doing some of different exercise and some weird shit and opening 7,000 bottles of expensive water by 6 a.m. It was one that went viral on blue sky, but like there's a million of these things. Some people do them like, I'm such a great parent. Look at all the activities I accomplished by 7 a.m. while baking nine different kinds of chocolate that's good for you. I feel like Marky Mark was kind of an early adapter of this. Sure. Yeah. He just, he didn't have time to make the video because

he was too busy praying. Praying and lifting and lifting prayer. Lifting up. Lifting up. in prayer and lifting prayer. Like, there's something on marking marks, which I'm going to get the times wrong, but it doesn't matter because the sentiment is what counts. It's like 4.15 to like six, and it's like prayer. I'm like, brother, you are taking a nap. You went back to sleep. I know how this.

That's what you did. You ain't slick. That's a nap. We've all been. Intense concentrated prayer for an hour and 45 minutes at five in the morning. If you open the door during my prayer window, I will appear to be. So communing with the beyond that I am virtually comatose, I assure you I have reached a state in which I am not to be disturbed because it would be greatly dangerous for you to wake me up. The connection I have to the spiritual realm could rip this world a sender.

You do not, you cannot comprehend the power into which I have tapped. So let me sleep. It's just me and the Lord. The Lord in this case is the dream I have of writing Falcour. flying through the air while wearing a Baker Mayfield Browns jersey it's not explained it's confusing we're all just out here in the nothing loving the Lord yeah they're good strong hands that would have stopped 9-11 oh god damn it man I bet Mark Marr I bet Mark Wahlberg has drowned multiple horses on purpose I like that your I like that Spencer's statement

briefly suggest that the problem with 9-11 was an issue of grip strength you know Bro It's not Okay Structurally that's not inaccurate Okay If you got up at 345 like I did

Did 23 half push-ups shirtless in business slacks On a balcony overlooking Miami While toting around a bottle of Saratoga Springs water I will say this particular influencer video Is the most like Oh you you live in a Grand Theft Auto Villains Apartment for some reason

for some reason it's you need to know that it's Miami you need to know that the guy Ashton hall played college football at Alcorn State where he had as a career total six carries for

11 yards one of those carries was for efficient yeah one of those carries was for 10 yards if you want to do the thumbnail math on that he he was sampled by this he was shared by

one of these fantastic Twitter accounts which is tips for men tips for men things which is I think runs parallel to our proposed podcast idea for two dudes not having fun

that's the other what is the male advice blue sky account that we're going to set up in response just call it tips for men don't even know it's called shut down

full cast dot yeah mail tips oh for man oh um do you think the existence of social media has created like let me let me ask this question different way if you went back 30 years are there people who were living this way but they just had no way of like sharing that in video form or do you think the internet age has created people being like god i got to come up with something i know it's it's it's

Elser face bath. So, like, even before there was this stage where people were doing this performance. Are we just capturing something that was always there? Yes. Or has the performance space, like, pushed people to create things that they wouldn't have done otherwise? I would say, first of all, nobody is actually doing this. But were there people who were pretending that every minute of their morning is

scripted according to which bottle of water they're dunking their face in? Probably. there were probably people who thought that sounded impressive but now they have to actually provide video quote fingers evidence that they do all this shit right Ryan look at death of a salesman I think that this has always been here that this urge has always been there and it's a very human urge we just didn't used to know it about each other yes okay I think that's possible yeah okay but now we live in a world with Oreo cookie loaf so and we also have the version in which Golick Jr. dunks his face

in the bold winky charms. Yeah. Thanks, Golick. That was brilliant. I appreciate that. That guy gets it.

So that's a grinder. The first one I can remember seeing like this was Jack La Land. I was going to say Jack La Land is sort of a predecessor of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Because you didn't get like, you know, we didn't have all of the outfits or all of the sort of outlets for your performative productivity. Yeah. We didn't really have that, but he would, in magazines and in his own sort of, I think he had like, you know, you could subscribe to the Jackal Land newsletter, right?

And he would say, I get up at five and I only eat juiced fruits and vegetables and I tow a boat with my teeth. And then I do some callous dynamics. I throw celery at the neighbors. Yes. Then I make love to my wife, which I tell people about at parties and it's very uncomfortable, particularly in my enthusiasm and detail. yeah that's jack la land would do that and everybody would go yeah he didn't do that which was true because jack la land ate a turkey sandwich every now then oh damn yeah also he drank heavily um i wake up at five and i drink heavily you know hey these two later in light later in life yeah

i got a group chat i want to add you to oh shit guys did we buy greenland No, I haven't seen. No, I mean us. I assume sham. Oh, us personally? In either case, I assume shams will be the one to tell us if we buy Cridland. That's breaking news. I ask you to reply in a timely fashion for a reason.

I have a bid in. But yeah, that's nobody, nobody does this shit. Nobody actually does any of this. And you shouldn't even think you should because some Fortune 500 guys. like, I get up at 4.45 in the morning. That's great. It's great. I'm never doing that. Yeah, you get up at 45 and, I don't know, you probably play on phone. That's probably what you do

at 4.45 a.m. For maximum productivity, at least 45 minutes upon waking. At least. Oh, yeah. You got to play on phone for a solid hour. To to brace yourself for the horse.

To really calibrate your mind. Got to start the off by shining a light in my face and making myself mad and sad at the same time. Done with work? Well, you're probably going to want to play on phone.

Apply phone. I think I need to look up the Von Trapp family on Wikipedia before I start work. That's the good shit, Ryan. That's the best shit. I can't even make funny of you because I was looking up a fishing almanac this morning at like

7.30. Would you like You know the optimum hours? Yes, actually. Okay, hang on a sec. Hitchfield and Juergen's Almanac for Farmers Cites the hours between 7 and 12 as optimal for fly fishing.

Okay, great. Between 7 and 12, I will be looking at phone. Yeah. It's a kind of fishing. At 707 this morning, I was looking up the production notes, composition notes, and liner notes for Huey Lewis's sports.

This is why Wikipedia Rapp should be his thing. I don't care what you listen to on Spotify. I appreciate that you listen to this podcast, but like whatever. I would like Wikipedia to at the end of the year be like, hey, look at all this weird shit. Look at all this time.

You wasted looking online. Boy, you got a lot of questions about Blade Runner. What's that about? You haven't even seen Blade Runner. That's so real. Oh, man. I've seen Blade Runner 2 like four times. I'm never going to watch Blade Runner 1.

I know a lot about it, but it's old. I'm not going to watch that. So you're never going to watch it. It's just not happening. I mean, I'm not going to lie and say, oh, yeah, it's on my list. I'm not going to watch it. I'm sure it's good. That's what Wikipedia is for.

Sure. Somebody's already wrote down what happens. Someone watched it for me. I'm sure it's great. I'm sure I'd like it. but there's a lot of stuff in the world and just not going to get to it. And a lot of that stuff hasn't been put on Wikipedia. Why would I watch Blade Runner 1 when I already know I like Blade Runner 2?

I'll watch that one. Is this like when on a long car trip to Houston we were just playing stuff here? You're like, this is ACDC Jason and you're like, it was pretty good. No, so like, yeah, the classic rock thing is like every few years as a younger person, I had this like, I'm a white guy. I should have classic rock opinions. I need to like listen to every Led Zeppelin album and decide which one I like the best. And then I get through like two of them and I'm like, fuck this.

This is all old. I'm done. Like it's not like I don't know what it is. It's just like I don't care. It's old. So like, yeah, it was never about like, I don't know. Like ACDC is like, yeah, I know all the shit. It's just like, yeah.

This is too old for me. Sorry. Awareness. Awareness is maybe necessary to operate in the world. world where it's used as a cultural shorthand appreciation not necessary yeah yeah yeah I think this is one of those things where you go I will never I think it's important to go I will never consume that I'm leaning toward that on severance oh no we don't need that well it's on Apple TV so I will never there's a lot of there's a lot of hurdles in the way of me ever seeing any I'm sure it's

great thank you wallet goalie I'm not watching a show that looks like that I'm sorry what's it look like it looks like it's very washed out it looks like a pharmaceuticals commercial in purgatory it looks like a pharmaceutical commercial for depression where you never stop feeling depressed like one of those before yeah the clarinet pads where they peel the thing off and it's flowers it's all before so like the musical never starts yes correct yeah also for a long long time I thought that this is very deep enough in the show that I don't think I'll get chased for it here but for a long long time I thought it was based on a hit book that came out a couple years ago called Severance, which I also hated.

Is it not? Not as far as I know. No, okay. No. Yeah, because I'm just, I'm going to tell you, like, I'm just leaning. This is based, purely ignorant opinion based strictly on seeing stills

and hearing how people talk about it. Not my thing. Well, I'm already sitting through White Lotus so that I can function in my own group chat, okay? That's my limit. See, I'm at the point. where the only thing I've seen of any season of White Lotus is the recent monologue that Sam Rockwell did.

And I want that to be it. I want that to be the only White Lotus thing I have. No, just take that. Just take that. I will say White Lotus is more useful because the way people talk about White Lotus and like, man, there's some weird shit happening on this show. I don't know what it is, but good for them. We actually wrote about White Lotus in Channel 6 last week.

Spencer is a lot more into it than I am. I'm, I think this is, I have been told very snippily that this is me reacting to reactions of the show, more than reacting to the show, but I do not understand what about it is supposed to be subversive or penetrating or insightful. I do, without irony, genuinely admire and envy the creator for having, having gotten HBO to pay for three seasons of this shit. Sure. Free vacations.

I'm going on vacation. Gosh, Channel 6. That reminds me. Spencer, can we do a little podcast music, please? Podcast business. What's the business? Who? Podcast business.

It's a business. Gatorload. Podcast business. How? Paid vacation time. And it's time to do some vacationing. Hashtag, not my white mic. Let's start with.

six, shall we? That's right. The Channel 6 newsletter. Outstanding content produced by Holly Anderson and myself. It's the off season for college football, which means we write about all kinds of stuff every Friday we do TRL where we tell you things like yeah, you should watch White Lotus because

it's like Nott's landing for people with NPR totebacks. I don't think you should watch White Lotus, especially when you can wait an hour and watch Righteous Jimstones. You can fire in right after that Righteous Jim Jones, the final show on TV. Who knows? We'll probably write about that again when the time comes and season four wraps up today we dropped what i thought was an outstanding

newsletter on large lads that's right but not only we picked the largest possible college football team we could in each position we picked the best possible largest football team by a recruit did you know julius peppers was was damn near 295 pounds when he played defensive end at six seven Damn. Coming out of college, as a college football player, I would unlock a new fear, a new nightmare. That's like Reacher. He's football Reacher. That might have been what led us to create this team because we've been watching a lot of Reacher. That's not right, but we talked about that and other informative things.

Like, for instance, everyone was like, hey, where didn't you put Darnell Washington at Tide? And it's because of this. When he came out in the draft, he was a mere 262. pound lighter than the nimble hand the nimble and sure handed jace amaro of texas tech um people you thought were big not all the time not all the time like a lot of them only got big in the pros yeah people who expanded greatly in the pros not within our purview yeah lavan kirkland famously oversized linebacker for the pittsburgh's steelers practically spelt open to arguments for all these but we're also right yes and special mention to lequant McDonald, an absolutely incredible player.

We had to just give him an athlete spot. Yeah, we just gave him his own spot since he played three positions at 400 pounds. And I'm going to say this without doing any further research, the only 400-pound man to play three different positions in college football. You can enjoy all of that if you subscribe for just $10 a month for two things a week to Channel 6, available in either of our bios. I had to think about it This episode is also brought to you by

Homefieldapparel.com today I am wearing the shirt with the rooster on it The South Carolina Here's a health Carolina shirt I like this because it's confusing to outsiders They don't immediately clock me as a South Carolina fan Because I'm not technically a South Carolina fan Although I do like the women's basketball team quite a bit

But I like that Homefield has a variety of shirts of this ilk. Like the West Virginia PRT also falls into this category of like, this is of the school, but it is not something that a stranger will be like, oh, you must be associated with that school. That said, if you don't have a broken brain like me, Homefield Apparel has plenty of things that make it clear. I like this school and this mascot and this team, and I'm not being weird and cage you. about it. I am being weird in cage about it, but you don't have to be like me. But the good news is wherever you fall on the weirdness of your, uh, desires for apparel, hopefield's apparel can

solve that problem for you and you can get 20% off your first order with offer code full cast. You can be real fucked up like me and wear shirt. You can be normal and wear shirt. Look at phone. Wear shirt. You can wear shirt while you look at phone. Yeah. Yeah. All things you can do with shirt at homefield apparel.com. Offer code fullcast, 20% off the first order. Wear shirt, wear shirt. I can do all things through shirt, which clothes me. Does anybody else have any podcast business before we continue down Spencer's agenda?

Should we do a merch thing? Oh, yeah. We're recording this on March 25th. We'll hear it on March 26th. That means you have less than a week to go to pre-owned airboats.com where all merch proceeds from now until the end of the month are going to three different deserving charities supporting the trans community. We have listed all three of them on the site. We have a little bit of new merch for specifically Protect Trans Kids University on there.

I may add something. I hope I remembered to do it before. Somebody sent us a request to take the existing kuzi look and turn it into a mug with the Greek letters for PTKU on the other side of the mug. And I don't know. This is a real-time creative discussion. Do you guys think that is fun?

Should we make that and put that on the store? Okay. Great. Nods and assent. Um, so that's pre-owned airboats.com. Uh, I don't, Holly, have we officially said on the podcast at any point when the charity bowl is starting? Yeah, we mentioned it in passing. Um, okay.

I'm going to get into it more next week because I don't want to trample on the end of merch madness. We are running our fundraiser through the end of the month, which is, this is the last show that you'll hear about it because it is winding up next Monday, March 31st. We do have a little something that we are going to continue doing. for our friends in the trans community after this fundraiser winds up I'm going to tell you more about that next week

but yes the 2025 Charity Bowl in support of New American Pathways, Resettling Refugees in the Great State of Georgia begins on April 14th that is a Monday and goes through Friday April 18th get those tax refunds ready

Oh one more thing Yeah many of you may have heard surprising absolutely no one one of the very first things to happen after this administration came in in January was yank the funding for New American Pathways and at the time we did not they did not have the resources to put together the full-on campaign that we read in April because believe it or not it does take a lot of time and hours to set that up but we we just kind of ran a little bootleg funding fundraiser to help them fill in some gaps. And we learned earlier this week that we were able

actually to make up their funding shortfall for when they lost that money in January. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you to everybody who threw in. Thank you to everybody who donated your time. We've had a couple audience members here in Atlanta actually go over to New American Pathways and do some volunteer shifts there. If you're into that, you can ask me or ask Spencer on any platform we can tell you where to go who to sign up for but it's a wonderful start and can't wait to see what we do in a couple weeks get excited get ready get fucking ready man uh server any killer ants news to report at this point in time uh you can get tickets for our show in Asheville on April 5th and uh if you're thinking about visiting Asheville this is a

great time to do it uh the Western North Carolina needs tourism dollars. They need people to come in and spend money and go to hotels and go out to restaurants and bars. So I'm encouraged people to come to our show on April 5th. If you can't come to our show, consider visiting Asheville sometime this spring or summer. Also, we're playing Out of the Shadows Festival in Winston-Salem on May 3rd, and we got new music coming out again soon. We just released an EP called Circus Smile. And so new song coming out probably in like three or four weeks, too. Fantastic. Should we close the podcast business floor?

Podcast business is concluded. Hey folks, do I have a podcast topic for you? I was looking at social media the other day. In fact, I was looking at the out blue sky where user Sarah K.W. shared a discussion on non-sports movies that are actually sports movies. Movies that adhere to the tropes and the structures of sports movies, which are, you know, someone thinks they can't win, and then they try really hard, and they get better at the thing, and then they overcome all odds, and they win.

And it's a fun discussion because it feels very malleable, very applicable to lots and lots of movies. I'll give you an example to start off. off, okay? Every Tom Cruise movie. Every Tom Cruise movie is a sports movie. Top Gun, yes, that's a sports movie. What's the sport? Flying a jet. Flying a jet, being awesome at a jet. People think he can't do it and then he does, or they think he's too good at it, and then he shows that. And in fact, other people can become too good at it as well. Collateral, yep, that's a sports movie. What's he want to do? It wants to be really good at shooting people three times. Eventually, someone who... I'm really good at shooting them only twice right now. Eventually, I've got to get the three times. especially Jamie Fox becomes better at shooting at shooting people um mission impossible movies are those sports movies are you fucking kidding me you know much running he's doing in those uh I mean you could just go on on Tom Cruise every movie is sports movie I think this is his his formula for

success um what do people like about sports do that in movie um so yeah let's let's open this up for podcast discussion uh what are some other like I'm leading a book club what are some other the movies that fit this archetype. We could draft this if you didn't want to call on us. What? I'm sorry. Pride and prejudice is a sports movie.

Which one? Let's say the Matthew McFadden. 2005. Okay. The best one. Okay. Yeah. I think pride and prejudice is sports movie. It's got two competitors

who are trying to figure one another out. In some ways, it is a sports movie, maybe in the style of, of the cutting edge or other, like, we have to work together and form, like, a productive partnership. This is also making me realize that Pacific Rim is a sports movie. God damn it, Ryan. Oh, yes.

I'm sorry. I didn't be doing it. That's fine. We'll get to it. So, yes, I would say pride and prejudice is a sports movie. Who is the opponent? The opponent is the social morse of the time. Prejudice.

Prejudice is the... Pride versus prejudice. I also, this movie has athletic content, as I understand, there's a hand flex moment that male attracted persons are really, really like watching. So flexing, muscles, athletics. There we go. Brian, there's a key component of that Pride and Prejudice movie that I think I'm probably going to jump on Spencer because I know what he has to say about it.

But the reason that Spencer, you have professed like this Pride and Prejudice adaptation above of all others, is that I think in your words, Tommy, if I'm quoting you right, it looks like everybody in it smells a little bit. Yeah. And that just adds the very similar to, the locker room ambience. Well, and also,

I would say if you pull way back, in some ways it's a sports movie for Elizabeth Bennett's father, the father of the Bennett daughters, because he's basically, his situation is, roster management. Well, I was going to say he's on the last rack

of the three-point contest, and he has to make all five shots to win the three-point contest, in this case, to keep the inheritance going down through his children. Yeah, it's like a game of horse with your entire estate. Right, and Elizabeth Bennett is the money ball. Also, also, lest we forget, also Mr. Collins doubted throughout because of his height. Mm-hmm. Yep. The Matthew Veloadip. Deli. Deli. Deli. was delicious. So yeah,

Pride and Prejudice of Sports movies. Sorry, I didn't mean to step on Pacific. That's all right. It's a traditional double feature. A lot of stepping on it. Yeah, two perfect movies back to back.

It's hard to mention one without mentioning the other. That's okay because I have a third perfect movie. Longtime listeners of this program will remember that I have advocated for an evolution, an adaptation of the sports steeplechase where the people running the roughshod race course

are a true reversal, a return to the ways of old, let's say, but with a twist, where the people running this overland cross-country race are chased by horses, and we call it people chase in this world. To that end, I present Jurassic Park. Yeah.

Huh. Okay. Yeah. Go on. Yeah. How much do you want me to lay? It's the second time in this episode that I feel like I've nailed something perfectly and then you asked me to explain it.

Explain it to our dim listeners who aren't quite catching on yet. It's at a park. Are you guys aware of the origins of steeplechase, the sport, and what it has evolved into today? No. Okay, so the steeplechase, as you might have seen right now, is a sport that is played by people. It was a horse riding event originally.

It traces back to the British Isles, obviously, and it's a hunting horse race. It involved water obstacles, you know, leaping over hedge rows, things of that nature. And it is now currently competed as a track sport where you basically run a natural obstacle course, right? And I have thought for a long time that it would be improved by adding the horses back into the race, but in the opposite position, you know, you release the people and then you release the horses, have fun.

Who are hungry, who are so hungry. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they did, there was a name for it. This is also the origins of cross-country as a sport, by the way, which does also have its origins in a game called Hair and Hounds. Huh.

So anyway, what is the, what do the protagonists of Jurassic Park go through if not an overland race to the death? Is, in your mind, as Jurassic, if Jurassic Parks is a sports movie, are any of these subsequent Jurassic Park movies sports movies as well? Technically, yes, in that they do have various physical obstacles and water features to endure in some of them. I think the, I'm not a huge fan of them, but I think the later

Jurassic Park movies that bring the dinosaurs back onto the mainland U.S. really come closest, Ironically, to fulfilling my vision of people chase. Oh, and Jimmy Buffett's there. That can't hurt. Sports legend. Sports legend Jimmy Buffett. Hey, did you write a theme song for the America's Cup? No.

No, I sure fucking didn't. No, no. Count it. Yeah, I would count it. Adjudicated. Spencer, what you got? I want to do one about an underdog who is, dumped from the team

takes it as extreme motivation to show not only the dumper that they are 100% worth it but as the dumpee to overcome and then exceed expectations and then in the end

succeeds not only by focusing on herself and her success but on her teammates making everyone around her better are you about to argue for cats as a sports movie that is a wild guess no but I appreciate it legally blonde yeah 100% yeah legally blind as a sports movie I actually have no quilt calm with that whatsoever yeah legally L Woods as L Woods is basically like rocky but interesting right like that's

that might be the only interesting Harvard sports phenomenon I've ever witnessed it's the only movie where Harvard is an interesting setting because L. Woods, what does she say? What, like it's hard? I'm pretty sure it has a training montage. If it has a training montage, it does. No. Sports. 100%. So yes, that is my first suggestion.

Sports movie, Legally Blonde. Count it. Obviously, Tom Cruise movies, we should also mention, Edge of Tomorrow, Live and Get Killed and Live and Get Killed, however many names it has. perfect film. The entire movie is a montage. That's golf, basically. God, yeah. Oh, this fucking sucks. Oh, God, this sucks.

I'm somehow getting worse at this. I hate this so much. Please someone let me quit. Why do I keep having to do this shit? There's all parts of the course I'm never going to see. I fucking hate it out here. It's so expensive. Everything hurts. I hate every moment of this.

Yeah, I'm a big golfer. This thing's all day. All day. It takes all fucking day. All I do is drag my ass out here. all this fucking equipment surrounded my morons I suck at this the weather sucks

but assigned to a small people I hate there's an alien trying to kill me I do like went off course I do it again I do like that this is just

the notion of compulsory golf like the government grabs you like get out there when people play golf this seems to be what's happening why do they keep

choosing to do this to themselves if not Ryan they're remaking the running man what if they remake running man but with golf the golfing man no no not that's sorry I'm thinking of the wrong Richard...

Not the wrong... I'm thinking of the wrong Richard Bachman book, but the same collection. The long walk, but with golf. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay.

But I think the point of Edge of Tomorrow is well taken. I'm strapping a bomb to my chest again. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Think about it, too. Edge of Tomorrow as a football metaphor, got a punt. Mm-hmm.

I got this far. Ops, got a punt. Yeah. Start over. It's a field position game. Yeah, literally. How true. Jason, I

gaveled, absolutely. Really? So do we have any more to run through? I got a deep cut. Okay. Maybe for some of you. Can I give you a film

that tackles more of the off-field issues? It has performance-enhancing substances that begin with the best of intentions and with a young and promising team and have unexpected, huh? Is this also, or is this venom? Are we going back to venom?

No, no, hang on. Is this one cats? How many of my movies do you want to spoil today? No. Okay. It has a protein complexes of unknown origin. Okay. It has severe injuries and people being dramatically carted around on stretchers.

It has helicopters, omnipresent in recruiting for a while now. It has environmental factors that adversely affect the game, that the team has to figure out a way to work around. I give you, for submission, 1999's Rennie Harlan Classic Deep Blue Sea. Yeah, yeah. Also featuring LL Cool J with a Talking Bird. For some reason, I thought you were going to go with Contagion, and I was like, I don't think Contagion is a sports movie.

Contagion is a sport if you don't consider people the protagonist. Okay. I guess that's fair. Yeah, Deep Lucy is a sports movie. I would say... The captain of the team cut down in his prime. Deep Blue C is a helpful segue for me, because I will say all submarine movies are sports movies,

but all land-based war movies are not. necessarily sports movies i think it's harder for them to be sports so my question is this what is a movie that is definitely not a sports movie and to be clear it has to be a movie that normal people have seen interstellar that's not a sports movie i don't think so yeah uh yeah a movie a movie about going as far as you can and you don't think you can uh you can keep going any further and you got a it ends in a library the the team's falling apart yeah it's a library can't be a sports movie dirt? Does he read any of those books or does he use him as fucking objects?

She doesn't read the books. He bonks against them. Two women save the day? I don't know. Women's sports. There's women's sports movies. There's women's sports? There's women's sports movies, no less. My theory is this. 101 Dalmatians is not a sports movie.

The puppy dogs are they play games all day long. Dogs play. I'm really trying There's a lady who's trying to kill him The Aladdin is a sports movie No

Of course she is It's got training montage It's got an underdog story It's got all kinds of acrobatics Parkour The genie is basically illegal performance

enhancing drugs It's got magic I think there's no magic In sports There's magic in the NBA What about Magic Mike is a sports Magic Mike is a sports movie

That's true Yeah it is There's even there's montage Magic you don't even have to get through the Senate She'll like you have to get up That's why I told my dad to watch Magic Mike. You did what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I did. I told my dad to watch Magic Mike. I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, man, magic Mike is so good. And he's like, really? I was like, yeah. And he was like, that was pretty good.

All right. I think Silence of the Lambs is a sports movie. Yes. Is not a sports movie. Why not? The movie, the movie specifically. It's too, it's too, it's too, like, sexual. Sports are sexy.

Not, not in the way that Hanlon. You ever watched 10 football? Hannibal the, you think that's sexy? Have you seen the show? The show I can't. We don't have enough time left in today's episode to talk about network television. Are you telling me sports movies can't be gay? No, I didn't say that.

All right. I didn't say that. Sports movies can be romantic, but I'm not sure that they can be sexual. And I would not say Hannibal, the movie is particularly romantic. Oh, disagree. Hard. Okay. Well, disagree because they, actually, I might have to agree with you there if only because they

stop the movie just short of where the book ends, which is insane. Yes. If they had filmed the, if they had filmed the book, would you feel differently? I would be open to the argument in a disturbing way. That's, man, I'll tell you what, Hannibal, the book, that's another great Wikipedia page to look at it. Go take a look at that. Sounds pretty good. Blow, not a sports movie.

Okay. Blow? Yeah, that's not a sports movie, especially because it's terrible teamwork in that one. And then it's a lesson about. bad teamwork. I'm going to show that to my team about what not to do. I mean, Blows basically a movie about the 86 Mets, like, in so many ways. Except they win. I have one, I have one last one that definitely is if I can sneak it in under the, because it's basically about racing as a team sport and keeping to your goals

despite serious technical difficulties. Julie and Julia? That would be, no, but a movie just like that, Holly, Holly. one that everyone would say it's just like that. Close. Fury Road. Oh, yeah. That's a racing movie.

It's a racing movie, but is it a sports movie? Yeah. There are factions, but are they really teams? Oh, indeed they are. There is a dynastic tyrant who needs to be taken down. Or maybe there's a commentary. Just because you're painted the same color, does that mean that you're the same person? Does that mean that you have the same values?

Sure. sure yeah I mean it's it could be a meta commentary on that right so yeah I all I'm saying is that if I'm a football coach and I'm like listen we're war boys and we're driving into the storm we need to hang together yeah there's like so many speeches you can do just based on Fury Road I'm going to go ahead and call it sports what I am going to posit and honestly I think the reason this jumped out at me as a as something to to think more on is I believe every movie movie is a sports movie And I'm going to, I'm just going to sit and be right. Monster-in-law. Sports movie, sorry. I don't really know what that is, but it's a sports movie. Three burials of Melchiatus Estrada. Sports movie.

Sounds like sports to me. All right. It does have Tommy Lee Jones. It might have to be a sports movie. Hmm. Okay. What's the, I'm trying so hard to think of a. non-sports movie right here.

Shit, March of the Penguins is a sports movie. Yeah. Yeah. It even ends like the original Spartan Marathon. My dinner with Andre. Sports movie.

Oh man. This means all the Prince. It's one-on-one. This means all the Princess Diaries movies are sports movies. All the Mary Kate Nashville movies? They got montages like hell.

Oh, yeah. That's a lot of a lot of give and go. A lot of pick and roll. All right. Here's one. I can't quite, I can't quite pin down. Maybe you guys can help me with this one.

Mean girls. Well, we got teams, first of all. Right, but what other structure do we have? It kind of seems like an off-season thing. Off-seasons are sports. Sports have off-seasons. That's, I guess that's right. Roster construction is flying.

We have a free agent. No, you're right. It is roster construction. That's what it is. So we have a young prospect who believes she has been promoted to a better team, but in fact, that team sucks. and in fact she uh you know we see this all the time in sports a player goes back to the team that they were on before and it was a better fit she's learning how to play with she's learning

what kind of quarterback she is see now i kind of want to quarterback other people want to right she's like she's learning well that's kind of funny because it's like you know system quarterbacks are derided but she can't succeed until she learns to play within the system within the system you know on on on saturdays the tennessee vols wear orange on wednesdays we wear pink that's very true. See, now I want to play a different game where I give you guys movies and you guys try and make them sports movies. They already are. Under the Tuscan Sun. I'd have to guess what happens in that. It's probably sports.

Ryan knows. Server probably just two. Is Witness a sports movie? Ooh. The Amish do love basketball. There is ransom. They don't play it. They're not playing it in the movie. They do. Of course they do. I'm going to mix up witness.

Don't tell me the Amish don't play basketball. No, I'm saying witness is not a basketball movie. If you're an Amish person out there, challenge Ryan. So I don't know why I'm so mad at the fucking church right now. Do you think we have a big Amish listenership? I have a lot of concerts. They print it out and read it. I can check the state.

All right. All right. The Magdalene sisters. I don't know why that made me so mad. The Magdalene sisters. No clue. Don't notice about that. week for abortionist sports.

Wow. Tune in next week for, have these guys seen any movies? Some? Ooh, ooh, ooh, road to perdition. Yeah, sometimes you root for the underdog and it doesn't quite work. Shit. Sometimes Tom Brady wins. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Yeah, that's grim. Grapes of wrath, totally a sports movie. You know what? We're going to get the team from point A to point B. It's going to keep running the ball. All right. Bridget Jones's Diary.

Montage, yes. Sports movie? Boom. MMA movie. Oh. Significant amateur MMA element in the middle of it. All right. Man.

Shrek. Oh, montage is out the ass, first of all. Hmm. He's also putting together a team. Anything with putting together a team. That's sports. I do think this one is tricky. Is Wally a sports movie?

Yeah. He needs a teammate. That's not what he's looking. Wait, so, no, but there's, listen, you already invoked the cutting edge. He's locked in.

He does his drills every day. And he's, he's pretty good at it. All right. He's overwhelmed. He's his teammate out there. I'm sorry to bring up this movie again. Shuck a lot.

Well, you shouldn't eat that stuff. If you're an athlete, you should be eating catered. Gator load. Yeah, you should be in Gator load. What if they just shot for shock? Shot for shot remake.

Lassa Hellstrom remake of Chocolat, but it's just Gator Load. And it's French, it's called Gator Laet. She came to this village and she'd be making the most delicious Gator Load. Get to our Lott. Alfred Molina just in the gym after hours thrashing around in a tank of Gator Load. It's just sparkling pasta water unless it comes from the Gator Load region.