Shutdown Fullcast - GOLF DISASTERS

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Welcome to GOLF CAMP - The extended Fullcast-verse just raised $450,000 for refugee charity New American Pathways holy shit - Subscribe to mooncrew.substack.com, new blog home for Spencer, Jason, Alex Kirshner, and Richard Johnson - Golf history: far more violent than you'd expect - The only way to stop golfing is to keep golfing - Scottish Charles Barkley - Phil Mickelson chooses to bomb not because it is easy, but because it is hard - GOLF GEESE - GOLF FOX - GOLF DUCK - Rate and review on podcast apps, if you please! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I don't know I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to I don't know. I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. I don't know.

Oh, uh, and uh, . Welcome to the shutdown Welcome to the shutdown full Welcome to the shutdown fullcast.

You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I'm Spencer Hall. Papa, why is there not another? Papa, read numbers to me, Papa, like we did in the old country. 4.1 569 Oh, here it comes 8340

Wow Whoa! Yeah, y'all That That, by the way, is not the total from the first item of business we'd like to cover here

on the Internet's only college football podcast. This here podcast has for a significant amount of time been a central part of the EDSBSBS charity bowl harkening back to edsbs.com the motherland website for many of us here and also the twitter name that i work under that extended into banner society and sbnation.com but over the years all of those sites and communities have added up to contribute at this point over a million

dollars to the charity of our choice that'd be new american pathways last week we asked y'all to get a bunch of money so at the top of the show here I want to say one, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You can extend that for another 90 minutes and it still wouldn't be enough. We managed to take last year's record of $187,000 or so and blow it slightly out of the water. Eat shit last year. No, actually. Come back last year.

Come back last year. come back 2019 no you want something good to happen in 2020 it's this y'all raised over $450,000 for New American Pathways a refugee service organization resettlement agency

here in Atlanta, Georgia that number is so big as to not even be comprehensible to my tiny brain however I do know because we talked to Paddy Mixon the CEO of New American Pathways this afternoon

A little bit of what all of that record setting total is going to devote itself to. Thanks to that money, New American Pathways is going to be able to do things they didn't dream of doing for clients in 2020 and beyond. So it's going to go toward rent relief because that is a huge crisis in the United States right now for everyone, but especially for refugees who are economically vulnerable and just trying to get the start on their American dream in their first three to six months of employment. employ. It's going to be a very hard fix for them because many of the industries that they work in have been affected by COVID-19 and its economic impact. Thanks to that money, they'll be able to give them rent assistance, keep them in their homes. That's just one of the things that you'll be able to do with the money that the EDSPS community, the forecast community, and beyond managed to raise. And it'll set them up for next year too, which is great. great because next year oh it's going to be crazy either way no matter what happens in the presidential election either way it will provide a serious challenge for refugee organizations and non-profits like new american pathways so thank you for making an impact thank you for

making a local impact with a global effect thanks all of you i am floored blown away et cetera can we do some congrats can we do some congrats first can we yeah sure congrats to michigan the money canon once again congrats as always to michigan which is what did they land that holly oh boy i closed that spreadsheet it was like 60 grand it's got to be at least 150 dollars yeah it's got to be like 60 grand hour for the second year in a row for those of you who haven't done the charity ball before this year ended despite its exponential explosion sorry for the alliteration this year ended like it typically does with michigan and georgia tech out in front and then above michigan and georgia tech there is one mega donor from each of those schools conducting like a

wizard's duel that doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of us uh but props to them for being able to do that that sounds fun and the top michigan donor the top georgia tech donor won for the second year in a row, it was the, it was the Michigan fan for the first few years. Georgia Tech has, has beaten Michigan in single donations two years in a row now, but I got to tell you guys something that a lot of people were surprised by. She likes to remain anonymous, but I feel like our audience would appreciate this reveal. The top Michigan man donor is actually a Michigan woman. Dun, dun, dun. What? Congrats to Georgia Tech for showing up. Congrats to several SEC schools i feel like showing out better than they usually do can i say what i think happened yeah what

happened i because this is just from watching from tracking these donations year after year and watching the messages that roll in with them you know georgia tech has always been a big school for us in the charity bowl because it's the hometown team for our hometown charity you know as uh as someone said last week uGA fans don't really like to live where immigrants live uh with some notable exceptions including and the number of people who donated from Georgia this year. This was Georgia's first really, really, really big year in the bowl. But anecdotally, what I have watched happen is Georgia Tech fans have drawn Georgia Tech fans into this. Georgia Tech fans have drawn Georgia fans who have then drawn Alabama fans,

who have drawn more Tennessee fans, who have drawn Kentucky fans. This was the first year that the SEC really rolled in en masse. But I do think we can trace that back to Georgia Tech. A human centipede of charity. It's like a competition chain. Yeah. Or you could call it what Ryan called it. That's fine too. That's much worse.

Yeah. They made a big late run. Now, I will say that this, there has been no comparative results so far in the Big Ten. Until this year, Ohio State made a valiant run this year. But no one could catch Big Blue. It was not happening. Rats to Slippery Rock finished, I think, 12th or 11. Yeah, this is the year the Michigan Money Cannon got bored

and decided to just try and set up a second Money Cannon pointed at Slippery Rock. Oh, nice. Nice, because Slippery Rock is like Michigan's backup fandom. Yeah, if you're not aware of this, they have this tradition at Michigan Games that has been going on for ages and ages of broadcasting the Slippery Rock score during games.

And I watched this happen on Twitter as several Michigan fans, including our Michigan super donor. We're like, okay, y'all, we got to figure out some way to keep this exciting because we're this far ahead. Let's see how far up in the standings we can push slippery rock.

Congratulations to Knightham University, the University of Nightham, whichever you prefer. Finished ahead of Harvard. Last but not least, congratulations to Holly for surviving what I imagine must have been just spreadsheet hell.

I called in the literal cavalry about Wednesday night last week in tears and I brought in one of my best friends who is a double-degreeed Virginia and whose career path track has gone she didn't listen to this podcast so I can tell you her career path has gone Bain Hillary McKinsey and so I frankly felt like she owed the universe when you said literal cavalry I was hoping that you knew a horse who was awesome and excel i'm very good i called in my favorite virginia cavalier uh who is uh the most evil corporate genius i know because when you really got to fuck a pivot table there's you can't do it with the good guys there you go but anyway this would not have been done without her uh an extremely expensive basket of baked goods is on my way or is on the way to her house um yes thank you darling i will not name you on the air the kindest gift you can get on the forecast yeah and you know what uh this is this is to speak to speak well of my enemies as one does oh boy yeah no no no no you know who came through hard

not Notre Dame and it no what hey not not just that we have a schools who never had before including Notre Dame yeah yeah Notre Dame Notre Dame you all showed up huge like showed up huge and admittedly you're all going to have to go home in two weeks hey Tennessee had never finished the first few years the charity bowl Tennessee was like me and a couple of the guys from Rocky Top Talk. And this was the first year. Tennessee finished ninth, which is by far the best finish they've ever had.

Virginia Tech beat Virginia. We should note that's always a battle. Washington and Lee cracked the top 10. And Louisiana Tech also cracked the top 25. Thanks mostly to our lunatic friend of the program, Chaco Taco Taco. Hello, we love you. That was insane. The Aggies did well, right?

Is this, is this normal for them? Oh, Texas prevailed this year. Oh, I must. Why did you mention them? Why? Not that they're rivals, but Texas beat Texas A&M by like $6,000, which is unprecedented. That was a huge upset from a little upstart like Texas. And Pitt was 17th, which I know you'll know.

Northwestern, the private schools never come through big. Northwestern was 16th this year. Learning that Texas beat Texas A&M makes me want to invest in renewable energy. Like, I feel like now is the time. Solar is here to stay. I do appreciate it's over. Can I shout out a few of our SB nation colleagues and former colleagues on the way? Because one other big thing we had this year, this, I don't know if the perception was just that, you know, we're a bunch of idiots and who knows what this money is going to, or if people just don't like supporting refugees.

In previous years, we have not had a lot of peers in the media show up to donate for this thing. Like, our friends have not promoted it, our friends at other outlets, with the notable exception of the guys' al.com who come through big every year. And this year, we had Golick Jr. running his own thing for Notre Dame. We had the Georgia Tech radio crew, like sending out signed merch to everybody who donated. We had, from SB Nation, we had the guys at Good Bull Hunting, the guys at the Champaign Room, streaking the lawn got in there, Bucky's fifth quarter got in there, especially Jay Arnold from Texas A&M, made yeoman's efforts. Podcat was in there big for us, and if I missed you, I'm sorry, but my mentions and my

spreadsheets have been a nightmare, but we had so much support from our pals in the non-football. Oh, and media. Yeah, and yeah, Amanda Moll at the Atlantic, yeah, got Georgia involved. Amanda Moll might be the only reason Georgia fans woke up at all, but like football and not any of us are football media right now, but we had more support from our industry peers this year, which we'd ever have, and more donors, like by hundreds of individual donors than we've ever had before. Yeah, just an insane effort on everyone's part.

Arkansas at 24. Sorry, I just saw that and I wanted to remark on it again. I mean, if you want to see a ranked Arkansas, I know where you can do it. This is your last chance for a while. Colorado State and Colorado, both in the top 75, Minnesota and Wisconsin had a big duel going there. But this was, we didn't even think we were going to meet last year's total, let alone multiply it. And this was the best possible surprise. We are doing this episode, which is a golf disaster's episode. Oh, right. Because it was a stretch goal,

and that stretch goal was at, like, what, $2.25? This was a stretch goal on, like, Thursday, right? And then there were still three days to go. We also just quit doing stretch goals after that day, because we did not know when this was going to stop. We just kind of sat there and watched. I also feel like with golf, you don't want to stretch too much. You know, that's like exercise.

This is true. stretching is for sports. You want the natural tension of the body to... Yeah, you ever seen a cheetah stretch? Uncoil! Uncoil! Neither a cheetah nor a golfer. Two equal caliber athletes. Neither a cheetah nor a golfer be.

I like when people say, hey man, you never see a cheetah stretch. I'm like, yeah, they live seven years. And they can run like nine seconds. And then they go to sleep. John Daly can't do distance, but quick bursts. Quick bursts. When you see him, don't you see him? Don't you think, man, that looks like an athlete with speed.

When John Daly is 40 yards away from you, it's already too late. That's because you're somewhere John Daly would be, and that's not good. And you have lung cancer is what that says. Jesus, pretty colorful pants. How do I have cirrhosis of the lungs? You looked at him the wrong way. That's how. So that was awesome.

That was very cool. That was great, fun and inspiring. that was very fun to watch it was like day one almost an ominous feeling of like oh this is the big one huh we've awoken something I was going to ask Jason this was not the only good thing to happen in the last week it was really good but it's not the only good thing there are several good things first let's break because we've gotten a lot done here today just because we mentioned Michigan's

adoption of slippery rock home field apparel your number one source for incredibly comfortable collegiate apparel just fucking nailed it possibly at some point soon might be introducing merch

that has something to do with a certain college adopted by the University of Michigan fans possibly just might you can have 20% off your purchase of any junior college not a junior slippery rock is now a juco in any college that you or your general fan base have adopted 20% off with the offer code full cast at homefield apparel.com maybe maybe you

want to adopt uh waffered or app state good luck trying good luck trying to wrangle them I was going to say, are you in an apartment? Because you should adopt the Wofford because they have the terriers. Now, I don't know if the Mountaineer's mascot is one allowed out of his house due to being on house arrest. Oh, yeah, Yosef. Yosef is going to eat you out of house and home. I think if you try to purchase the county in which he resides, yeah, you're going to have to root him out of there. But it's going to be worth it.

Adoption is just a form of arrest. if you think about it. I love that Yosef always looks like he's about three seconds away from going ATF's here. Got a skedaddle. Meanwhile, the law for terror is just like, ah, my eyes so far on the side of my head.

Let's see. You could adopt Big Red from WKU at Homefield Apparel.com. You'd have that thing in your house. You know, like some municipalities have regulations of what kind of animals you can and can't have. There is no law against a big red. You can't regulate that thing. You can do what many of us have done and adopt Indiana as one of your teams.

How did we get here? How did we get to the point where I had to watch Indiana play a ball? I know. I know. I had to watch Indiana lose to Tennessee in a bowl game, and it made me sad. Hey, it's not like I thought that was going to happen either. Don't yell at me. God damn it.

You could adopt the Akron Zips. Who would not want to adopt a kangaroo? That will hurt your credit. Just so you know. Is kangaroos notoriously enumerate? You know those, okay, you know those t-shirts that you can get in Myrtle Beach that have like a bikini body or a tuxedo on them? Mm-hmm. I want one of those Akron shirts, but it's just the shape of Terry Bowden.

We can probably get that made. At homefield. At homefield apparel.com. 20% off your Terry Bowden body shirt with the offer code full cast. This is where they're going to draw the line. I would like him to be clothed. Thank you. Okay, I see.

So he's just wearing like an ill-fitting pity? I really just want to, you know, he had that period for a while where he was, he was real ready and he was coaching at a school where in the right lights that blue can show up purple. And he just had a real violet bow-regard vibe going for a while. And I dug that. What if it is a shirt of Terry Bowden's body wearing a Terry Bowden body shirt? Wow. Oh, wow.

And like, anytime anyone looks at it, their mind scrambles. This is how Homefield Apparel cracks like the Tokyo fashion scene. Homefieldapparel.com. The most fashionable brand on earth and looking at it is the same as drugs. Damn. That's legally true now because you said it. Under Indiana law.

Yeah. Spencer, bring us our last piece of forecast business. Last piece this week, we launched a newslet letter that you know you might want to subscribe to that would be uh why we launched it because we have four people the moon crew that would be jason kirk alex kershner richard johnson and myself oh those are good reasons yeah excellent reasons wouldn't you want to read stuff that we write both about college football and beyond wouldn't you want to see in your inbox you have a new

email from moon crew yeah irony of spencer asking if we want an email that and also who wouldn't want an email from spencer it's the only email you'll ever get from spencer listener i can guarantee that but it's probably very costly right no no for the low low price of zero dollars that's why we call it moon crew because there's two zeros to spell moon sure we can retrofit that reason sure That's how you spell moon. Have you guys got merch with Frank Beamer and the double zero thumbs up going into overtime yet? We are going to hire Frank Beamer just so we can do this.

Mooncru.substack.com, free to subscribe if you would like to donate. There is a co-fi, co-hyphen phi. You'll figure it out. It's linked all over that thing. It's very easy to find. We plan to publish at least two newsletters a week. If Alex really catches the blog in spirit, it might be seven. You never know.

But we're going to shoot for at least two. We're going to play it casual, keep it cool. We're under the assumption there will be no college football this season, so we're really going to try and pace ourselves. But we like blogging, so we want to make sure we have placed the blog. Now we've got to place the blog. That's true. You know what?

Jason, I'm just going to make a little editorial decision here on the air. We're going to have a little meeting. Can I write something about Holy moly? Can I just write something about how awesome Holy moly is? Yeah. What is that? It doesn't matter. You said yes.

so it's done this is a television program you may actually appreciate okay it sounds holy so that's true um it's in the bible that's why they call it holy moly so this tv show is in the bible uh what yes it's in the bible is joe tessitory catholic i mean ezekiel see some shit that it reads like a tv show well listen if you read the book of ezekiel you will see something that i can twist into a definite prophecy foretelling the arrival of holy mom Holy moly is kind of like a cross between MXC or any Japanese game show and extreme put putt putt so imagine imagine a series of very theatrical huge put putt put holes shot through with obstacles and insane things you have to do people are the balls people are moon crew dot substack that's not right at all people are the balls people are the balls people are the balls. We will clarify that in a newsletter entry that I write. People are the balls.

Within the next two weeks or so. Yeah, people are the balls. Anyway, it's a wonderful show. It's got, if you are a college football fan listening to this and why would you do that? Joe Tessitore is the host. I love Joe T because he reached the peak of broadcasting

by holding the Friday night. ESPN college football gig, turning it into a non-stom stop fountain of unpredictable chaos every single week, then got the Monday night football gig. I mean, I guess it's a prestige gig, whatever, right? Monday night, biggest gig in football. And after that ended, he's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to hang out with Rob Wriggle.

And I'm going to laugh at people falling off of obstacles. And honestly, it's my new career path. It's my dream. He looks so happy and I'm so thrilled for him after he was cruelly taken from us. and stuck on monday nights i'm so glad to see him thriving he's happy he's happy because people are the balls people are the ball now is rob wriggle doing stunt work or is he like pointing and laughing at these folks um he is definitely pointing and laughing my favorite running gag on the show involving rob wriggle is whenever any of the contestants fall off of the obstacles and into

the water or onto the pads uh he goes oh god oh god well she's dead rip RIP, oh, God. She was so young. If this is like 2015 or something and you're like, you should watch this show Rob Riggles on it. I'm like, oh, that's not cool. But right now I'm like, that sounds like just the jolt of wholesome energy I need in my life.

Give me the Rob Riggle. Let me tell you. Rob Riggle content right now. Let me tell you, the Riggle Tessator connection, it's real TV magic. I'm not even lying. Not even being a dick. It's real TV magic.

Yeah, let's go. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. There we go. Something else you can get by subscribing to mooncru.substack.com. Also, speaking of, um, this sport sort of sounded like golf. Golf gone wrong. It sounded like golf gone wrong, which I will tell you, for 98% of the people who ever

pick up a golf club, there is no difference between golf gone wrong and golf. None. It's the same thing. The stretch goal for this episode that we mentioned, the charity goal, uh was it was a golf stretch spencer agreed to do to host a golf uh a golf podcast yes uh the simplest thing to do the simplest way to fit that within the brand of the podcast spencer currently hosts is to do a golf disasters episode so we sent out a call and folks golf is hard that's that's take away for me we've learned two night two things tonight people are balls and and golf is hard

that's what we've learned well I think I've explained to each of you in some format my theory that golf is the cruelest sport I haven't heard this I don't think so most sports have an end limit

of some sort that has nothing to do with how good you are like a tennis match is played until a certain number of games and sets have been won most sports have the fourth dimension of time right football basketball, these are just time-based sports.

Baseball's like kind of in the middle there, but even there, like it has definitive, like, okay, we're going to get through 27 outs, and then in theory the game will be over. Golf, and my point is if you're bad at those sports, it doesn't really change how long you have to do them. In some cases, it actually sort of speeds it up. If you suck at tennis, man, tennis is over real quick.

You can be done with that shit in 27 minutes, no problem. If you were bad at golf, it just gets longer. You just have to do more of it. Like, that's the insane part to me, because, yeah, you have to get through 18 holes. But golf doesn't care, like, whether you're taking five strokes, 10 strokes, 12 strokes, whatever. Golf will just say, no, eat more of this because you're bad at this, therefore you must eat more of it. How Scottish. golf is the sitcom dad that tells you you have to smoke the whole carton of cigarettes the whole card like the idea behind golf is that if one is excellent at it there will be less of it that's and that's the incentive to get good at golf so that you don't have to play as much golf you could in theory never get off a golf course that's right correct under the rules of the game you could die there oh it is so it is the david it is the david it is the david here

Hume sport because you said the magic words death and golf and I did yeah I did because because David Hume said you know what you only assume the sun's coming up and golfer you only assume you're going to go to the next hole that that's not guaranteed not at all um before we dive into I think mostly reader submissions can I share with you the first record of golf in America yes please yeah it's December 1650 and we are in Fort Orange new Netherlands which is basically what where Albany is now so we're in Albany in December and some Dutchmen go to a tavern after a game of golf and they I don't exactly know the records are unclear as how many Dutchmen there are but what is known is

this there was a bet on the golf and it involved the winner getting brandy from the losers now there is a kerfuffle at the tavern because the winner accuses the tavern owner's wife basically of shorting him drinks of like she has written down in chalk how many drinks he is owed and she erases them as she hands the drinks out and he says hey you've erased errantly drinks that i'm supposed to get this leads to a fight between one of the golfers and the tavern owner and the other golfers join in the tavern owner and one of the golfers but not the one who started the fight end up killing each other over the accusations but but here's the good news they managed to apologize to one another before they die golf the gentleman's game nine years later the government of Fort

Orange bands playing golf in the streets because in these are their words it causes great damage to the windows of the houses it exposes people to the danger of being wounded and it is contrary to the freedom of the public streets so if you were to go back to 1657 Albany, you would see a bunch of Dutch assholes playing golf in the street and possibly talking about, hey, remember that golf match that got so heated, a guy killed a tavern owner and vice versa, but don't worry, they both said they were sorry. I'm just picturing Fast and Furious One when they're like, oh shit, the cops are coming. we're going to golf for pink slips until the cops show up this is this is the first uh this is the

first record of golf in the continental united states is a double a double murder and people just playing golf in the middle of the street and hitting windows and passers by golf is way more interesting than i thought this is at least the second time golf was banned um my people bear the moral burden of having invented it and it is quite possible that some of my direct ancestors influenced the early golf universe

Fife in Scotland, St. Andrews that is where half of my family comes from and the name Kirk suggests somewhere near a church. So yeah, it's quite possible that I bear the sin of golf but James II, the king

around the time banned golf because it was taking away from archery practice this was also the same king who when he was 10 years old was part of the event that inspired the Red Wedding and Game of Thrones so very

On which side He survived it So you know what Good for him Whatever role he had Yeah we won't We won't say too much I'm sure he'd made a great choice

I'm proud of Jimmy two times Jimmy due times made it What a hell of an internship He was 10 at the time yeah that means he i definitely did that shit a 10 year old a 10 year old in his era it's like a 40 year old now yeah he's like listen i'm gonna die at age 13 just let me have this he's like get me a knife let me stab somebody i hate please put that putter down yeah it's archery time you bastard if you want to kill me you do it like a man with a bow yeah big old nerd i do think there

was a missed opportunity to just train scotsman to go to war with golf just hit golf balls at their enemies i mean i'm pretty sure we tracked that yeah i mean i'm pretty sure like when the you know when the viking invaded like that was the entire plan okay you know um do do any of us have personal golf stories by chance spencer you've been to the waste management open right if you haven't been by the way closest comparison to uh the ugliest world's largest cocktail parties I've been to is the waste management open that's it's just an open it's just a glorious colorful fragrant open toilet of festivity and debauchery the entire thing if you've never if you've ever wanted to go to the name yeah no it is no like that's the deal you're like yep this is the waste management open if you've ever wanted to follow around the worst examples of toxic masculinity who are all trailing tiny ricky fowler in his oklahoma state hat and yelling big dick rick after every drive go ahead and it's you're like

they're not going to say that again and ricky fowler like does a gentle supple chip shot out of the rough and it trails ever so gently and precisely to within three inches of the hole putting him in position to save par on a hole where he might have hit double bogey and then out of the silence someone in a barstool shirt goes big dick rick that that's the waste management and then ryan locked he gets his wings and then yeah we can't let ryan lockty in the skies no no you've just made him more powerful do you know how stupid he is up there there's not oxygen he's he's he's Even dumber. He has gills.

That might actually, oh, no, that'll make it worse. Yeah. No, no. It's amazing that he's been this good in the water without gills or really breathing regularly for most of his life. Oh, my God. I just realized he's like a reverse the abyss. Yeah, his brain's a toadstool.

You just put it in a dark anaerobic space overnight. And it's fine. It actually gets stronger. I only brought this up because I know how much you love Mary Elizabeth Master Antonio. I do. It's true. And Ed Harris. No.

I wasn't going to. Brian, please don't bring this up again. Don't. It's a special thing I have. So yeah, my, I've been to the waste management open, but I was raised on golf and have a very torn intense relationship with it in that I don't like it. I don't like playing it. It's fine to watch now, like especially as, especially as a methadone sport in the age of COVID, golf's fine. I'll watch golf any day.

Like, sure. You know, it's all. also like a really hard sport to broadcast and now like my broadcast nerd i kind of takes over when i watch this and i'm like oh man you guys are doing really amazing work because do you know how you cover a golf tournament if you ever been to one as a media member you sit in the media center and watch the tv and occasionally walk out and trail somebody because otherwise you have no idea what's going on because like 36 40 different people are all wandering the course doing different things all at once it's it's impossible if you wonder why all golf literature

uh before like 1970 it's like so there are only three golfers uh that's because there's the only people you could follow around that's it everybody else was like and i guess that guy's okay yeah that's what i heard heard he was good um so golf's fine but i grew up playing golf and i will tell you as a non athlete with zero talent athletically nothing's more embarrassing than growing up playing golf nothing it's horrible i really you know i won't play basketball Right, Ryan? I won't. Yeah, no.

You've, you've, you've made it very clear that even if we left you alone with no cameras and nobody watching, with a basketball and a hoop for hours, you would never touch the basketball. No, because somebody might be watching. You'd say, oh, nobody's watching. And I'd be like, bullshit. And then God descends and be like, oh. Oh, that's a trash jumper, son. God's watching and he's like, God, did I make you with short legs on purpose? so you just pissed me off i made you in my own image and god i hate myself yeah that's my own image and

god my torso was just freakishly long yeah god you have no touch whatsoever um that is that is that is golf is worse god is shaped like a fire hydrant golf for somebody who has no innate motor coordination or skill is embarrassing doesn't describe what golf is because ryan you said oh yeah you know like golf there's really you might never make it off some of us have experienced this firsthand some of us when when we attempted to tee off as i did in golf camp please imagine the hell oh no it was like that uh-huh uh-huh how how old are you how old are you at golf camp let me talk to golf camp golf camp spencer is a naive and yet already broken uh 11 years old.

Oh, no. That's, uh... So they just, how many kids are here at golf camp? Uh, there are about 15, 15. And you play in groups of like, you know, you play in four sons. So you're playing like four kids alone, right? And... Oh, God, there is so much bullying.

Oh, yeah. And I line up for my first drive and the tour pro. Wait, Spencer, where was this? What state? This was, this was in, this was in Franklin, Tennessee. Oh, no. Mm-hmm. This is like right now, this is the Batman origin story.

So this is golf camp with expectations parents. Yes, yes, including the tail end of my father's. I'd done a really good job of killing any expectations. Managing expectations. Strangling this right now. Destroying every day with my very person and being. This moment that we're watching is when your dad is like, this is it. It's either this or nothing.

on to the next sun right it's kind of like like at that point at that point in my relationship with with my family i am at that point the useless animal the zoo who was acquired with another animal and who has then put like i don't know it's a llama what does it do it's just it's just llamas all the kids go to see the panda we don't know what to do with this thing it's just weird llamas are cool yeah i'm the horn bill the horn bill who's like hey i'm a bird that eats meat and I was like, ew, what's that? No, that's cool. That's a dinosaur.

Yeah, that's, you see, it's way cooler sounding in theory until you go, hey kids, that's a bird that eats meat. And they're like, let's go look at something else. So I go to golf camp and I tee off and my first tee shot when I line up. And I've never been able to hit woods. The one thing I can do is putt. Like, if you want to know, the one thing that's stuck is going to mini golf when I was like 19 and in college and just destroying the course and going, how did I do that? It was like...

Well, putting is the roulette of golf. Yeah, you just have to have a good attitude, right? No, that makes a lot more sense now. It does make a lot more sense. You have to, and you have to, like, have absolutely no fear of failure, which, having failed at the rest of golf, I had no fear of putting. Because, screw you. This is trash.

This sucks. I can do this part. This isn't hard. You're never going to whiff. No, you're never going to whiff on a putt. Right? Also, you're never going to have. like the expectations well all right you'll probably never whiff on a put

someone i'm sure has done it'll look like a practice it'll look like a practice stroke sure right it's more likely that you can play it off yes not if you do it enough times in a row just very diligent i i will save the story of how bad i am at golf for my turn right so i line up and the first thing i do is i top the ball off and it doesn't even get past the ladies tease by topping it off i mean you hit it with the bottom half centimeter of the club and then send it going talk talk talk talk talk talk

in front of these three kids who immediately are like and any 11 year old knows this there's a moment around your fellow kids when you fail at something and everyone looks at you and goes you're the one who dies on the island first right

and that's what they're all doing. Golf Island you die on golf island Piggy. Spencer that sounds like you just did an onside kick. I did which would be cunning in another sport that's really I really should have thought about it that way golf is when you do an onside kick you do indeed get to retain possession of the ball that's a terrific point Jason it's a possession game and it doesn't even have to go 10 yards now I did not walk the 15 feet forward to take my second shot why not because well because I was first and I broke the seal and was immediately like oh there's the

kid were going to kill and eat. And yet, the second kid I was with lined up, took his shot, and he was a bigger kid, like a taller kid, one of those early bloomers who was already kind of like probably 15 or 16, right? Probably needed to shave. It was huge. I was like, oh, the kid's going to crush it. He'll probably hit it through the air. Like it's a miracle when a kid hits it through the air, much less with any accuracy. And he hit it through the air all right. He went, whank, and hit the hardest shank I have ever seen in my life, flew about 30 feet out and about 20 feet up, hit an oak tree. And it made like the cartoon, like noise, like, bunk, bounce back and hit one of the other kids in the balls. And here's nice.

And though I had, see, nothing to me is funnier. than sports played badly and of the sports being played badly in the universe the only thing funnier than baseball played badly is golf played terribly i've never been able to stop laughing at it i've never ever not been able to crack up it's a problem when you see a pro do this because i've seen pros do this and i've been on the course when pros take a terrible shot and if it's bad enough i bust out laughing like a dick like some guy who has made three million dollars to be 30th in every tournament hits a shank and I lose it like I am watching my dad right every time and they get like the golfer will look at you like the fuck's up man you're a complete loser and I'm like but I didn't do

that yeah but you are here to entertain me yeah no I mean this is what you get paid the money for you get three billion dollars and you get free golf pants for life and I get to laugh at you and we're going to have to be okay with that contract whenever somebody says what do you mean sports bring people together. Just tell them that story. Yeah. The best part about the kid shanking a ball so hard that it flew immediately back and hit another kid in the balls is that the third kid was immediately the one owned. Not me who topped off like seconds earlier and hit a ball 15 feet. Not this idiot who shanked a ball 45 degrees in the wrong direction and destroyed this other kid's testicles and injured him. No, the kid who got hit in the balls. Who was the best golfer of the three of us, by the way? That was the guy. good take him out yeah that's strong strategically that's a strong move yeah spencer do you ever think he he did this as a favor to you you know what if he did then i really owe him i really did because i just disappeared for the rest of the day where you know the other kids are like one set of

tracks in the golf course that's where the nurse had to where you saw but one bruise on that other kids nut sack mm-hmm by the way at golf camp i never remember finish with the foursome like i think i was so bad they just left so i was just like kicking my ball along eventually rolled up to the clubhouse when are you bailing or is it like the the fourth hole or um i started walking after like the fourth or fifth hole you know you go all right that's a pretty good effort i think the real lesson here is that um you shouldn't pay for your kids to do they don't want to do no don't it's not worth it they'll hate it all the memories will be bad and it'll just be blank space in life you can do that by just keeping them home to do nothing

or clean i that's my goal that's my golf story i was not raised uh as a golfer uh we were very much a football basketball household um also we couldn't afford golf um but in high school I happened upon rich friends, including several who lived, like, around a golf course, and we would mainly use it for really stupid shit, like, midnight paintball, or, like,

oh, all our girlfriends are coming to egg this house. Well, we're going to egg them, you know? Just, like, stupid, like, prank stuff. But one day we went out to, like, okay, we're going to play golf for real. And I remember we got kicked out because we refused to wear polo shirts. Our moral principles would not be compromised.

for for golf and that that was it that was the end of my golf career why does golf make make you wear a pole like why uh it's for safety i think you know it's like wearing a helmet in any other sport like you don't want to get you don't want to get skin cancer on your neck yeah uh and you don't want to you know if if someone launches a ball and it bounces off an oak you don't want to catch it in the you know in the jugular sure it also allows balls to be stored rolled down in the collar yeah if you're doing some sort of a some sort of a trick play you know you want to like how tennis players keep them in their pockets sure and then you can dilaphasaurus style frill it open and shoot yeah for intimidation if you're having like a dual uh or you know if you're like a baseball pitcher you know if you're like you're like you're reaching back there for the ball with a little bit of you know a little magic on it and like oh this is the one then pow that's it's got the extra you know the extra english flying through the air and it's like it's um uh like it's homing beacon yeah yeah because it's got real good neck sweat on it yeah i think it's actually a scottish thing to let you know that you're not a uh that you're not an orangeman

they're like the dutch can't wear these it's true right oh yeah because they got a big fucking frilly like they look like walking sunflowers exactly they'd be like aye but a laddie but a humble scott but a humble scott with your tiny collar you can see the sun behind me that's what it is it's like to demonstrate that you are alone you know right You're not obscuring like five other golf warriors. You're not one of those round heads, are you? No, no, no, because a round head can't fit his head through that color. See?

See? Spencer, this might be your best accent. Thank you. I'm going to never do it again. I hit 100% on this. I'm just going back off it. All this really tells me is that he's watched, he's just watched a lot of duck tails. That's all I know.

Yeah, that's it. No, that's if you were really, man. Listen, the new duct tails slaps. The new duck tails. is great the new duck tails is unre i will say this it's unreasonably good i was like i did not i was not prepared to undergo this much emotion in an afternoon and also be entertained by a children's cartoon like they did some smart shit by doing things like retaining the theme song and whatnot but also the writing is just terrific it's very it's very much a product of like this this century

in this time. In case I didn't know, I wasn't already in trouble, they put lyrics to the moon theme and make it a part of the lore of Huey and Dewey's mother coming back from the moon, where she's been lost and imprisoned for 10 years while they became little ducklings. It's heartbreaking, man. It's heartbreaking.

Holly, do you have a golf story? Not, I have a golf adjacent. recent story. I grew up in a golf forward household of which I was not really a participant. My father is an avid golfer and belongs to the local country club. My hometown is very small, so you've got to put a heavy hillbilly spin on this when you think of country club. As such, there was an annual tournament that was always staged to coincide with the year's first Tennessee football game at which the prize handed out for the lowest net one day score was a taxidermied armadillo in somewhat poor state of repair what does that mean like I know if if I were to buy a book and it was listed as somewhat poor that would mean like the bindings a little fray and it doesn't have a cover what does that mean for a taxidermine armadillo yeah it doesn't have a cover it's a little it's a little it's a little

little rickety. It's got, I didn't know armadillo's had had whiskers, but the whiskers are falling out in patches as though the armadillo has developed mange. Also, at some point over the years, the armadillo, whoever went home with the armadillo was required to keep it in their home for the subsequent year and then bring it back for the next winter. And at some point, one of its previous owners had given it a pedicure and by the time it came to my father it had also acquired like a little infant UT jersey on it I didn't realize until he brought it home as a child because here's the other thing they're not native to Tennessee they was going to say they're there now they were not there when I was a child they have since migrated

up from Florida but I you know I had seen them by the side of the road in Florida every once in a while but I didn't know that's what an armadillo was they're terrifying they're absolutely terrifying and so my mother brought it home and was like absolutely not and so my father

in some sort of compromise banished it to the downstairs bathroom and would bring it out for holidays like he would dress it up in a little Santa hat This was my dad's American girl doll for a year. Yeah. He would bring it out for holidays and dressed it in themed outfits. And that is really the only, the only vaguely horrifying golf story I have.

I am so bad. This is constant. She's a World War I Armadillo. My dad tried with me a couple times. He tried with both of us. I am so bad at golf that it is beyond, it goes beyond funny. and it gets to where other people around me are just embarrassed for me. And this is, and bowling, bowling, same thing.

So my dad immediately gave up and put me on the swim team. And that was a much better, that was a much better fit for me. So I, as an adult, I do enjoy a little top golf because the point is not to golf. The point is to eat potato skins and drink lots and lots and lots of well vodka under an awning. And if I have to pretend to play golf along with, hey, Spencer, you've been to top golf with me. I can almost hit the ball in the direction that everybody else's are going. Potatoes and vodka under an awning is most people have to like root for old mess to get that. You just have to do top golf.

I was dragged to top golf kicking and screaming by one of our co-hosts and found that I enjoyed the experience very much because it's like Applebee's, but you don't have to stay at your table. True. I have always wanted a free-range apple piece. And also they have Wi-Fi. Listen, we work from home, y'all. Our entertainments are few. The question this has inspired me to ask is, what do you think would be the most difficult animal to do taxidermy upon?

To taxidermy? A sea creature? A jellyfish. Because I'll just tell you this. I have begun stumbling into taxidermy internet to see what they think. Why? Oh, I thought you meant

like outside of the show you've begun to. Jason's just looking to fill the time. I'm unemployed. So, looking to take up some hobbies. No,

I feel like Armadillo has to be fairly on the easy side because it's got a shell, right? Yes. What I'm gathering is that tough animals

are, that's like your rookie rookie level. So like if you're getting a botched armadillo someone is really terrible at tax arena. Poor pelt.

If you had like a this was this was an amateur job i do believe yeah i would i would assume it would be something with a complex coat or like something that where textures changed or something like a greyhound like something with really delicate skin but i mean something with the skin itself could be delicate but i i would assume something that had you know fixtures like something with horns has to be hard because you know you got to make the edges match and they have to match naturally because the horn is a living thing it's not necessarily this like totally dead thing it anchors into like live skin it's got to be hard i will tell you this if you want to see what bad taxidermy looks like go look at photos

of the old Beijing natural history museum i went there and oh my god it's screamingly funny they had two things in that museum corpses in formaldehyde that were very poorly preserved and when in leaky tubs of formaldehyde and they had terrifying bad taxidermy like a bobcat that looked like we had surprised it in its in its emergence from the afterlife as an undead I caught this bobcat sleeping with my wife. Yeah, exactly. The bobcats like, ah, Carol! I know I'm not what I used to me.

I'm here to report back from the taxidermy forums. It's a good rabbit. Rabbits are very high in the list. They're very delicate. Also, they're tiny, so any mistake is going to take up like 10% of the animal right there. Okay, I could see that, yeah. Lots and lots of rabbit complaints.

Lots of squirrels, I was going to say, yeah. Foles. Also, doves. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, feathers. Feathers have to be difficult, period, right? Yeah, I would say so. So you're going to want to start with a rhinoceros for your beginner taxidermy.

Good, good. Camoto dragon, maybe. Just the kind of thing they love for you to trophy hunt and kill, to practice on. If you find one, don't go kill it. If you find one. Florida State fans, don't say we never talk about y'all anymore. Got a rhino, got a deal on a rhino the other day down in Naples. So that's what you're on it.

All right. Is it time to read some tweets? Can we do one bit of promo first? Because I would feel bad if we did our whole golf disaster's episode. And we didn't do a little light promotion for the shotgun start, which our friend Brendan Poreth co-host. Oh, absolutely. An actual golf podcast. An actual golf podcast.

An actual delightful golf podcast. It's really like you've just heard my, the extent of my experience. with golf. I love this show. It is the entirety of my golf media consumption. Yeah, there is no golf media I pay any attention to other than this podcast. You can find it where podcasts are sold

and Brendan is great on it and so is his co-host, Sandy Johnson. And they have seemingly acquired our technical problems. So if you really want to like, if you're like, I'm worried that another podcast might like not have a host who forgot to record or things just disconnect in the middle. The shotgun start is for you. It will be comforting. I would like to plug one more piece

of golf media while we're here for no other reason that I like them. The Golfers Journal, which is a print only magazine. I have had, I have written in it before about this very armadillo and the events that followed it being brought into our home. I believe, leave Spencer. Don't you have an upcoming story with them as well? I do. I do about my favorite imaginary golfer. My piece is in issue number seven, which I think you can still order. It came out last February, but it's, it is a golf magazine that I enjoy reading because most of the people in it are not mostly writing about golf. Sorry, that sounded insulting. No, no, I got where you're going. In the way that we're definitely speaking to the forecast reader there.

yeah yeah i feel like i feel like those of you who are actual golf enthusiasts on this show you don't need to be a golf enthusiast for shotgun start you do for golfers journal but i recommend it anyway i i would like to by the way we did ask everybody to submit their golf disasters we have uh both picked and allocated a couple of these as needed to share i think we've managed to stay on brand with a lot of these in terms of uh you know the kind of the kind of of story we're talking about. For instance, I would like to start with a bang.

Can I start with a bang, y'all? Can I start with a big, like, Bryson de Chambot 500-yard drive? I see no way of stopping you. Golf is quiet. God. Yeah, unless... Everything starts with a big bang, including golf. That's right.

An expanding universe, like Bryson de Chambos tramps. The big golfer. That will eventually collapse in on itself. That will eventually collapse in on itself. heat deaf and then you have the uh the big shrink don't you yeah he's gonna like he's bryson de chambau by the way it's gonna end up being your friend who's into every fad right like oh let's hear i'm in the crossfit yeah no power lifting dude now it's yoga yeah an ultra runner now bryson like the universe intends to live for billions of years you're gonna live till i'm 180 i'm taking like 28 liver

liver pill's a day spison liver the left side of my body's doing keto yeah right side of once again florida state fans you say we never talk about you or your lives it's all about muscle confusion it's all confusing me it's about organ confusion this is from uh this this is from golf adjacent Tulsa legend himself bunkey perkins friend of the program uh avid golfer himself says his playing partner and a charity scramble got loaded on the course proceeded to ramp the golf cart off the 18th green into the parking lot, crashing into a car. He got a DUI.

Tulsa! What'd you do? I got a DUI in a golf cart in Tulsa. What the fuck you want to talk about? Was it Oregon State where back in the former cup days, there was a DUI in a golf cart? that occurred in the same off season as both a drunken boating arrest and an arrest for stealing a sheep that was being used in a study on homosexuality and sheep or organ state organ state yeah just checking

hey man he got a golf cart DUI for charity the best part is i know that like the sheriff showed up and he's like i get to do this yes yes of all of the stupid DUIs i'm going to write this one's going to be the sweetest because turns out the 19th hole is jail. Wow. Is that why there's one on every golf course? I've never gotten that far.

It's just like the Eagles Stadium. They've got a jail in there. If you get in trouble in the 17th hole, they bury you under it. There's one of the new Cowboys Stadium. Remember we saw it? By the way, at the waste management open, yeah, you could totally get arrested.

You know, one great way to get arrested is to jump into the water hazard on a dare for $2,000. I feel like whatever happens to you next will be punishment enough. Well, someone did it and they were pulled out by security. And I will tell you, being pulled out of a water hazard in front of thousands of hooting people for two grand, for a bail and ultimately legal costs that are probably going to run you about three grand. put you about a thousand under par on the day in the bad way oh okay I was going to ask that's a golf joke that's my that's my first one

because I figured you really couldn't get more of a start to the kind of golfer that we were likely to encounter here than getting a DUI at a charity golf tournament can I do a lightning round I found a really strong theme here in order from Robbie Calland Bo Spooky

DeVal KK Bo Stegel and Improbus Double Zero and Joe Van Hoose What a crew First junior tournament I ever played in I was 13 and still quite bad There was a par three over water

And I hit six consecutive shots in the water Refusing to take a drop elsewhere And then walked off the course Just filling the lake with content I broke two van windows in one JV golf tournament same hole two different vans it's called is that accuracy or is that precision I can't remember which is okay listen at top golf this would be very useful skill yeah yeah yeah I mean it's not

accuracy but it is precision that's that's what it is I lost 11 balls on nine holes once six in one pond All these little tin cups out there who are like, no, driver. Don't you're going to lay up? No, driver. Going over that water. I will conquer nature. Do you decline?

No. Do you decline? Dormammu, I'm here to bargain. Obviously, the theme of my group is bad decisions that continue. Compounded interest. Bad decisions. Compound interest, the most powerful. Force in the youth.

I'm directly responsible for my grandfather's country club having a rule against anyone without license to drive the golf cart. Anyone without a license. In one day, I was eight. I erect three different carts before the 10th hole. Okay. I'm just going to say that's on the adults. That's not on you. After the second wreck,

why are you still driving? This is on the grownups. They figured like, well, you can't wreck. Like, who could wreck three? I think this is a situation where like,

if you're playing Grand Theft Auto in the car is already on fire, you know to get out of it because it's about to explode whereas Bo Stiegel is like no this thing's got one more hole in it how drunk were the adults though that they're like yeah let the kid drive but there's no tell of what I'm going to do to it from Improbis

my uncle hit the same guy twice in one round now that that is accuracy versus precision and finally from Jovan Hus my neighbor invited me to a harmless two dollar skins game ended up playing for $1,028 on the last hole

lost I was making $14 an hour I was making $14 an hour that means he was like this is it man this is my fuck you money I'm going to get this grand and I'm going to retire I'm going to get my own place

I'm never going to work again I'm 15 I'm going to retire oh god now I'm in debt till I'm 99 I had one shot man it's the skins game real money yeah it was a grant what is the intermediate set between

$2 skins and betting $1,00028 I feel like we hit the fast forward button I don't know I blacked out it was wild out there it was crazy it was wild golf out there i don't i really don't know how that i mean what two dollars a person this is why they call it the sport of kings because this is how wars get started sure i mean

that's like they're all i was all fucked up on golf that somebody somebody threw some multipliers in here right because this is how you end up at the big table because like whole nine somebody was like let's make things interesting the guy's like oh god this is my chance He's out there playing Michael Jordan. We have talked before about the signifier of hearing. It turns out in the story as a signifier that what happened is your own fault and you are in lighting. I would put ended up in there with that same linguistic family. Yeah, it ended up.

I can tell you that. This sounds like someone who was like double or nothing. Again. Again. Two to the tenth power is 1,024. So that's close. Well, with a little, a little interest. And a little after.

So if you're doing mental math in your head and you've been drinking out of plastic cups all afternoon, that's maybe a 128. That's it. Somebody just threw a zero in there at one point. I think that's a grand. Yep. It was Charles Barkley based on that voice. Hey, guys. You all play some.

Oh, he's a little interesting. Charles Barkley is terrific, I will say. Yeah. Can you do? Can you give us. Charles Barclay. God. Should we have been a golf podcast the whole time?

Shit. I can't even do it. It's horrible. It's got it. It's got it. It's trial. Oh, hey. Crete near.

I'm never seen anything. Yeah, no. I can't even get through it. Ernie. Earn it. Early. He sounds like. like C-4-Pio breaking apart.

I know. Oh, I can't. Oh, Kenny. That's just terrible. I can't breathe. Oh, my God. Devin Boker needs to get out of Phoenix. He's the shite hole.

Oh, my God. Please. Spencer, read another one. Spencer, read another one. I will read another one. Um, God, Scottish Charles Barkley would be even fatter, wouldn't it? I'm crying. If you introduce Charles Barkley to Scotch eggs, it's over.

No, they're just called me eggs. Yeah, just me. Have you had these that delicious. So, this is really a story about somebody's grandfather. This comes from Springstead 25. At around the age of eight or nine, I was hitting golf balls with the buddy in my grandparents' backyard, unsupervised. Unsupervised is an important word that clues you in as to how the rest of these scenarios are going to go.

When he knocked me out with cold with a back swing. I wake up with my 70-ish-year-old grandfather shirtless driving me to the emergency room to get my head glued back together. This is just a prelude, though. Number two, a few years earlier. Is this the same person? Okay. Yep, a few years earlier. Well, I had a backcountry driving range.

Oh, what a magnificent collection of words that is. With the same grandfather, I was bit by one of the range owners, Jack Russell Terriers. Only memory. Wow, that's a sentence that you could have stopped a little bit earlier. Mm-hmm. It's amazing. Uh, only memory is the dog jumping up and that same grandfather, again shirtless, carrying me up the hill to the ER. Number three, feels important to mention that, yes, we live in Florida, but the first story was in Georgia.

Yeah. Go Gators and go Bulls. You've made like an HMO Sisyphus out of your grandfather for golf. Just like this whole childhood, I want to imagine is his shirtless grandfather. they're going oh god damn it let's get to the yard again but not putting a shirt on not like oh i gotta go to the hospital better put a shirt on nope i got bit by a dog at a backcountry driving range as a child nothing sings nothing speaks to my blood what would the jason aldean version of this song sound like shit it sounds bad because jason aldean is crap no i was asking jason for his

Jeans, truck, shirts, cutie rendition. Okay, I just wanted to say that. I'm mostly just focused on the idea of back country Jack Russell. Like a roving band of dingoes. Do you know that driving range is a bunch of dudes who look like ill-tempered Jack Russell Terriers and an actual ill-temperal Jack Russell Terrier, just all going like, I'm out of Bud Light. This sucks. I need to get some cigarettes.

I'm going to bite this kid. Maybe he's got Bud Light. Maybe he's got Bud Light. I can't close up until these two leave. Fuck it. I'm going to bite him. That was what it was. There was a grandfather going,

I pinkie got him. He's in a, he is an ill-tempered dog. I should have warned him. Get that bastard on out of here. Go bite him. Show who's dominant. Oh, is it my turn?

Yeah, Holly, you're up next. All right. I've tried to stick to a theme for most of mine, and that theme is, birds i was teeing off on a par three says friend of the program blanks and there was a pond to the right i hit the ball real hard dead right an inch off the ground it was stopped before hitting the pond by a fuzzy duckling which exploded into beak and feet oh no yes save the ball

though clutch hero bird Randy Johnson to duckling. Oh, there's more. This is like reverse Easter. Like, oh, look, we found a, we found a ball. To complete this round as a repayment for last week when I was unavailable for prep, I am going to assign Ryan lines in the spreadsheet that he has,

not yet read. And I am going to have him read them live. Ryan, if you could begin with line 20 from friend of the program, jargonaut. I was playing with my dad and friend, teeing off on an uphill par three, and had to go over a road with a bridge, sculled the fuck out of a seven iron, into a railing on the bridge, ball ricocheted back into my dad's chest, who was standing 15 feet behind. me into the right you think you're safe back there don't you it's it's always nice it's always nice when golf can become an evil word problem that's what i love yeah my dad is traveling at two miles an hour this golf cart leaves my club traveling at 55 miles an hour anytime you can

hit somebody anytime you're going to hit somebody who's standing behind you that's the ideal like Spencer is right that the kid getting hit in the nuts. Like, I'm sure he was standing in a quote-unquote safe place. But the problem is, like, golf safety presumes good play. Like, here is where to stand to avoid a golf ball hit by somebody capable. A golf ball hit by somebody who's not capable is a random number generator. And you being even, like, on the course at that point, you have assumed the risk. you know what i'm going to interrupt and uh i'm going to call part of that statement completely

inaccurate as long as as as long as phil mickleson is alive because phil mickleson will attempt shots so difficult that sometimes in fact they do come into contact with spectators at high speed sure often where they do not expect a ball to be or where many think it was not theoretically possible and then he gives them a hundred dollars and signs the ball didn't he hit one onto the roof of a club what's that story they that you were telling me he's hit everything oh phil nicholson is hit he hit the he hit the top of the hospitality tent with the u.s open on the line that's the one i'm thinking of yeah winged foot in 2006 he was going to win the u.s open and instead of doing that he was like y'all watch me bang this

bomb and he uh got out the driver when he should have put a forewood hit it off the hospitality tent then hit a tree then tried to hit it over that same three story tall tree and lost the tournament because i got to hit bombs see this is where i feel like my dad should have kept me trying to learn golf because i can be this tenacious and pig-headed and bad at golf and i'd be bad at financial crime so there's nothing between me and phil mickleson yeah see can film mickleson's open world golf where you'll never know where the ball unmanageable egotism weirdly shaped body i got it all it's a very it's a very Rex Grossman approach listen he hit the hotel at st. Andrews yeah sure which is beautiful like

there's nothing like the best part is he's lining up you're like do it Phil hit the hotel do it hit the hotel you show that hotel who's boss don't you have a story on the spreadsheet from one of our readers that has a similar predicament um I do I have several I have my my theme tends to go around injury and around uh other things that you think shouldn't be hit i've got a couple like that uh the first is one is from robert nolan which was was about 160 yards out just behind the 150 yard marker pole mishit the ball directly into the 150 pole shattering it into a thousand pieces you're free golf course now we don't know where we are loosed from the tyranny of measurement the curse is

been broken. At least you know exactly how far it was. Well, I hit it 150 yards. Well, now we're all lost. We'll never find our way home. Yeah. Another one comes from Roto Tudor,

which I'll do a little bit of a speed round here. My dad always carried a one iron in his bag and was the only man I ever saw able to hit it. When he died, I used to carry it in tribute. Thought I'd be cute and punch out of the woods with it one day. The ball ricocheted off a tree. not my buddy unconscious have you ever seen a one iron oh yeah oh my god it's it's an evil looking man

it looks like a child drew a golf club yeah like big like if you if you're like what is it it's a big metal it's a wood block on the end of the skinny skinny skinny pole big wood block yeah that's and i imagine that's exactly like now you're seeing the children's drawing of this whole incident right Yeah, yeah. It's even better. So my dad always carried Mjolnir in his bag. No one could pick it up. And then when I tried to be a smart ass with it,

his ghost came down and almost killed my friend. A one iron is kind of like just having like a mallet hammer on the end of a stick. And just be like, I hit it with this. Yeah. Occasionally there are people who do the challenge where you only play with three clubs. Sure. I would totally take a one iron just for cussiness. Just like.

God. Because I'm not going to be. good anyway it might as well be weird yeah that's that's the motto yeah um and then but this is this is all a build up to uh to this from uh staircase wit weren't maintenance for a county course in high school oh man county courses i have a feeling the best possible stories they're rugged okay they're rugged and there and therefore the people yeah well what's more rugged than uh working a county course okay how about working the tree crew uh uh a county course because had a buddy who just returned to work after missing two days being

teaboned by a car that ran a red light boss tells us the oak trees need the shoots removed which means we'd be climbing 30 to 40 30 to 50 foot trees with pruners we had just gotten into our first trees which happened to line the fifth fairway about 20 feet off the ground we hear a week or as a ball screams through the 12 inch gap between me and my tree and hits my alien co-worker directly in the ribs causing him to fall out. So this is the funniest part about golf to me is that

it's this sport that requires so much, like physical maintenance of the course, like from the design to making sure like everything is cut the right way to the slope of the grid, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The traps. And it's just, in 99%

of cases, it's just so a bunch of assholes can go fuck it up. It's just, it's just like, imagine if all tennis, like most people who play tennis go play on some shitty hard court somewhere. But imagine if all tennis was played on Wimbledon, like these carefully manicured tennis courts. And then you saw like your shitbird uncle go out there a little bit hungover and just like slam is racking the ground. Yeah. Now I want to see this actually, right? Yeah.

It's an immense, it's an immense waste of effort for people. who don't deserve the nice thing that they have been given and that's what makes an American every golf course is it is in effect a golden toilet because yeah it's a gold toilet you know what's going in it yeah that's that's that's that's yeah that's that's golf balls golf balls that's right so all this talk of injury has inspired me I've been playing my video game of choice at the moment is sniper elite where you shoot Nazis and you watch the bullet like you you you get this x-ray cam where it's like oh that's the part

of his skull it went in and there goes his brain spewing out of his skull you get the full x-ray cam we're going to make a golf video game where if you hit a a pedestrian a fan a what did they call them at the Masters? They call them patrons

yeah you hit a master's patron you get the 3D cam and it says liver shot right you get like Phil Nicholson's like going okay I got 10 grand on this it's going straight to his skull.

You got 100 XP. Kidney shot. C4. I'm going to break it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got mines. You got grenades. Yeah. Golf is awesome.

I have a Phil Mickelson tale. This comes to us from Full Cash Reader Jordan. When the Barclays was at Bethpage in 2012, Phil Mickelson showed up at my friend's house

because he couldn't find where he was supposed to stay. So he just knocked on however many doors until he found it. Wow. I mean, there's a lot you could do with this. To me, this first suggests is this third amendment case.

Like if Phil Mickelson is trying to quarter himself in my residence without my consent, no, no, sir. No. No, no. The funniest part of- Phil's lost. The funniest part about Phil Mickelson is that all of these things that he does. Like, Spencer, if you go out and do some dumb shit in life or in on the golf course, fair, you are doing it by yourself

Phil Mickelson has a caddy and so every dumb thing has to have like an entire support team right exactly but also like a thousand patrons following him but at least on the golf course every time Phil Mickelson does something stupid he has had a conversation with another trusted human

who almost certainly said don't do this Phil and he said fuck you I'm doing it Because there's a hundred dudes in like polos and khaki shorts and visors saying, knock on that door, Phil, that's the right one. Except your army. That's, no, that's actually like I have followed Phil at a tournament and that is 100%. It's a bunch of guys in quarter zips who all work in finance or want to talk about finance. And they're all lined up behind him like, Phil, you need to do that insider trading shit again.

The Wolf of Ball Street. Yeah. Right. like that's really that's really what it's like yeah and like yeah and like yeah it's the best it's pronounced also that's how actually like that's how the 2006 wingfoot thing happened he lined up and you can hear his caddy going oh no you got a safe shot here like like oh just take a fuck you just take a four just take a four just take a four just take a four Caddy's like, I got a family, man.

Like he literally, he literally had hit it into a garbage can the hole before. My kid braces, Phil. We talked about this. Yeah, no, like, he's like, just take the forewood, man. And he lines up, and you can hear him on the video go, driver. Like that's, and you see everyone around him, like half the crowd is like, fuck yeah, Phil, let's hit bombs. And the other half is like, the other half sitting there just going like, oh no, no, no.

Put it in the dumpster, Phil. Do it. Put it in my skull. I love it. Sign the hole. Phil Mickelson, give me the kidney shot. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. Are Phil Mickelson trailers Penn State Twitter? Yeah, they are. Are they all Trace McSorley-era Penn State Twitter?

Phil Mickelson killed my child. Yeah, every golf fan is when that WrestleMania, where the main event was ladies. yeah i have um staple the scorecard to my forehead listen yeah becky lynch can and should uh shove a truncheon down my throat and then just twist yeah and we love and we love it we'd love it becky lynch club me with the one iron if you can carry it indeed um i have um i have one that i have one that i would like to to pop in with by the way jason is that the sniper game where you you get to shoot Hitler in the balls? What?

I haven't gotten to that. That might be a earlier one. That does not happen in Sniper Alert 4, so they should probably do that in all of them. One of the Sniper games, I know you can shoot Hitler in the balls. That is festive. Yeah, in slow motion. He's like, ugh.

It does give you exploding Nazi gonad cam. Like, if they step in one of your landmines, it's like you see them flailing and like, wow, they're nuts just blew up. Now they can't. make any more Nazis. Yeah. Math checks out.

This was from, I like this one from Kyle Stevens because there's a cameo from someone who I assume is either his mother or a lady relative of some sort, maybe a childhood intimate friend. Caught my brother flush in the... That's a weird thing to say. Well, you'll see because it's not totally clear. But the witness, the witness who is... Also, it's not even your turn, but go off.

It's either his mother or a childhood intimate. friend. What the fuck? Okay, Mr. Attorney. I'm going to clarify on this? I wasn't going to go ahead and assume anything. No, just go. No, no. If the court will permit me, I'll slander this woman. I just don't like, I don't like that you said childhood intimate friend. Anyway, as somebody who definitely understands human relationships.

I think what I'm hearing is like imaginary like ghost friend. imaginary ghost friend Linda has a Twitter account and she shows up when someone Elena Ferranti intimate friend yes I mean they sit around eating artichoke hearts

and drinking espresso and talking about the sad passage of time all right please I'm sorry go ahead again Florida State fans you say we never talk about you Kyle Stevens caught my brother flush in the face with my driver we were young

and I wasn't supposed to be playing with the clubs he walked behind me never saw him I want to say around 50 stitches around his eye missed the eye completely though so much blood as linda sue one can confirm in a response linda sue one shows up and says above the eye below the eye and so much blood on my beige carpet exclamation point what childhood intimate friend complained about their beige carpet although you cried harder laugh loudly crying laughing face emoji emoji emoji

good all right I'm going to take a turn I'm going to return us to our bird theme in just a moment but I need I need one more

Mickelson style antics story so I'm going to turn to user Paul co-worker was chosen to drive our bosses at our firm's golf trip in Scottsdale we returned to the waste management open because he is terrible at golf

he got the cart stuck on a rock about five feet above everything else in the middle of a dry gully we never figured out how he got it there or got it down he was sober he had the largest auto insurance policy limits i've ever seen on an individual hey you know what knowing yourself is good no that is situational awareness and i applaud it that's right that's self-actualization through geico let's pick another one for ryan okay uh ryan let's take you let's take you to line 23 uh and friend of the program matt skeleese's story okay uh all right got it right here my first job was working as a cart boy at a public golf course

so i have two stories number one the boss came by one day one day and said the landscaping guy didn't show up and he needed one of us to run the mower my co-worker and i flipped for it and i won A few minutes later, I watched as he started the self-repelled lawnmower. Oh, God. Look, how he said was run the mower. On the side of a hill facing downhill toward a lake. I saw it coming and there was nothing I could do. He cranked it and the mower immediately took off into the water.

Look, you said run the mower. Number two, on my last day of work before the end of summer, the girls who ran the snack cart called me in a panic on the walkie-talkie and said they needed my help. I sped over to where they were, where they revealed they had crashed the snack cart into a tree and badly bent the metal roof frame. There's a blowtorch in the cart barn, I told them. Do you know how to use it? asked one of the girls.

Yes, I lied. I attempted for about 20 minutes. before informing them that the torch must not be the kind that gets hot enough to melt metal oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that kind yeah i clocked out it's one of those like lady golf courses or golf courses it's one of those blow torches for ladies it's a kids it's a kid's blow torch it's the kind you used to make the crust on like a nice flan sure it's a crumb roulet torch it's just a sparkler i clocked out and did not return i have no idea what became of the poor snack yeah there's a horrifying amount of like

dangerous equipment at a golf course that is entrusted to like grubby teens blow torches like an actual like flamethrowers the kind that trim brush yeah yeah right right heavy landscaping equipment gas powered golf carts you've got those and that's all with like the natural disaster that can come just from the golf itself. To Florida, you add in that like perpetual lightning and tornadoes and shit.

Yeah, golf is just... And alligators. Yeah. Golf is basically like beckoning you to die in an embarrassing fashion. Let's finish up lightning bird round. All right. I was 15 years old playing with friends, says user Jonathan Scott. I hit a drive to about 100.

And between me and the hole was a creek at about 30 geese. Just walk away. Just walk away. That's not your life, man. Geese are an enemy of humanity and cannot be trusted. I took a sand wedge, scalded about three feet off the ground, and heard a thwack. My ball hit a goose directly in the neck, breaking it and killing it instantly. That's a lot of neck.

But the thing about breaking a goose neck is that if it breaks about halfway up, it just slumps over. onto itself like an upside down you. Go canes. All right. Next bird story was, okay, hang on, this isn't a bird story, but we have one more wildlife tale.

Was having a horrible round on a public course in D.C., says reader Andy Pratt. I finally hit a decent drive on the 12th hole. As I got about 50 yards to the ball, a fox comes out of the bushes, stops at my ball to look me square in the eyes, then picks it

up and runs off but disrespect that's a dead relative that's 100% of dead relative this is like this is like some fucking like Danish tale that if this happens you'll have one year of bad luck or something imagine how much bad golf that it dude it's a public course in DC imagine how many bad golfers come through in the form of like congressional aids and whatnot but this guy the the the fox couldn't take him. Nope. You have been visited by golf fox.

Press F to pay respect to golf fox. Fuck you, I'm golf fox. That's my ball now. You know, if he's golf fox, then that makes our friend slippy in this tale, I'm afraid.

Golf fox appears in some some haunted Danish wizened man from 1840 comes out and is like, he's chosen you. It's heated slander of the Danish people on this episode. I'm now picturing some entire fucking midsummer festival where the golf fox has chosen you.

Now you have to be burned in a barn dressed up as the golf fox. We will entomb you in giant golf fox. It is very great honor. From DJ Ringgis, hit a duck on the eighth. We were on the ninth. Boom, count it.