Shutdown Fullcast - Hell is feeding five Gronkowskis

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

--Spencer is described by his co-workers as "a dog with a plunger" --Play the game "EPL name or NFL Assistant" --Jason demands that you LEARN. FOOTBALL. --Tom Brady, the ultimate "let's get a game-winning FG" QB ever --An alternate history where Mike Vick steals whale sharks from the GA Aquarium --We turn Kirby Smart into a Turkish soccer team  --Imagining the living hell of raising five Gronkowskis Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football. podcast and if you want another one i bring you good news you don't need another one it's all you get it's just solid verbal in so many words i'd say politely yeah you can catch that you can catch this smoke because ain't nobody else got this kind of fire pow wow we're here to talk about important football and by that i mean the fcs season starting up in like a week no No? No? No. No. No, this is not split zone duo. This is not, well. Eat shit split zone duo as well. We're just doing it all. Daily. Eat shit. Joe Rogan. Eat shit.

That's every week, man. We say that every week. Split zone duo. Love y'all. Eat shit. We shouldn't lump these people in with Joe Rogan. The daily, maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, no. This is just an increasing list of people that I want to fight. Yeah. Bill Simmons, get the adenoid surgery that you. you've been hiding from for years that's that's just hurtful it's mean it's mean all of us can

control how we sound hey you know what his is a choice yours yours has made you stronger yours has made you more distinctive some of us have been told by other people on this podcast that we sound just like mad eglacius who the fuck said that to you he's sitting in the room with you i What is wrong with you? When did I say that? You've said it several times. Did you say that? Now you have to fight Joe Rogan.

What the fuck were you going through? There's nothing that you could have been going through in your stupid life that would have made that okay. I will take that ass woman from Joe Rogan happily, Ryan. I'm very sorry I said that. Now, now. Sometimes I just black out if I'm going to be honest. Not even drinking.

To be clear, it was said, you know how Spencer will sometimes just say things and there's not like there's no real clear like oh he intended this or it's sort of like you know watching watching a dog get a hold of a plunger you're like i don't think there's a plan here but the dog has a plunger now yeah yeah that's yep the shutdown forecast the dog has a plunger this also explains why no one has tweeted from the fullcast account since january 19th guess who's in charge of that coordination no coordination makes it sound like it's anybody's fault but yours my dove thank you so having started on a rousing note of my co-workers really enjoying my uh entire presence personality and influence i would like to go ahead

talent lets me be a shitty teammate how is that relatable to sports tom brady doesn't do that again i'm going to refer you back to the perfect metaphor look at me complimenting the excellent work by a teammate of dog with a plunger more like tom bomb I'm going to check if that's taken real quick, hold on. Dog with a plunger. Dot biz. Brian Floyd, I know you're listening right now. Please fill out this website. I'm going to buy it live on here. Don't worry.

Oh, excellent. Okay. Okay, good. Sorry, Ryan. I should never have implied that you're not capable of this kind of stewards. Floyd and I are in kind of like an arms race to see who can corner the market on the most stupid custom URLs. He's got a lot of guns. Owned airboats.biz redirect too. You know, one of these when you're like 65 is going to be the desired name of, I don't know, some future vampiric online monster that is about to be. And you're going to be able to make like millions of dollars off it because they're like, no, we need the name pre-owned airboats.

It's the only thing that can really describe the mission statement of our Silicon Valley funded water hoarding empire. So pre-ownedairboats.com. And that's how you're going to, like, really hit it in retirement, right? They'll be like, damn, Ryan Nanny hit a lick when he was like 68. How did he do that? Turns out, somebody wanted to pay $8 billion for the URL pre-owned airboats. I think how this is going to hit is when air itself becomes pre-owned. When the oligarchs lay claim to individual portions of oxygen and, you know, there are skyboats.

It's like, whatever. They're flying cars when they were skyboats. but I think it's the air itself that will become pre-owned. Jason, is that before or after the water wars, do you reckon? I mean, those are happening pretty soon, so after.

Okay. Brian, don't use words that I don't understand. Sorry. Especially when they sound cool. So I'm now. This barred for now, for that. So I am in the process of registering dog with a plunder.com.

I am adding that to my money. Not that biz? No, I like to get the dot com because I feel like that's where people we're going to go. It's more trustworthy when you're Googling dog with a plunger and you say, you're my lawyer and I trust you. You're my lawyer

and Jason is my pastor and I trust you both. Here's the other thing. If dog with a plunder takes off, I don't want somebody to scoop me with the dot com and scoop up all my traffic. Like how Whitehouse.com used to redirect to a porn site, I think. So now I own

24 snakes.com. 24 snakes.com. 25 snakes.com, 26th snakes.com, dog with a plunger.com, pre-owned airboats.com, and Scott Frostay.com. Pre-owned Airboats.Biz doesn't redirect to anything tonight. Where should we redirect it to? Do we own that? Do we not? I thought I made Floyd by the dot biz. Maybe he did. Hang on. Right now, the pre-owned airboats.com is forwarding to a dead homefield link because I'm very good at business. It used to be the Jacksonville show. Just redirected to the YouTube video for Michael Bolton's steel bars.

I will do that. Thank you. I was about to sing steel bars, but I'm strictly in a singing the killers over and over again and only in my time. Steele bar! Can you do the... I am so sorry to this dog. Can you do the killers doing steel bars?

Steel bars! They're like to sing like two notes. wrapped all around me. I've been a prison. Since the day I was born. We need to get the Spirit Halloween guy. Chattanooga's own to record that song. I also conclude every killer's lyric with when you were young,

whether it has anything to do with that song or not, right? I think that works especially well when you get up at karaoke and sleigh chicks and ducks and geese, but or surrey. When you were your. Yeah. Wow. You're really upsetting this dog. I welcome the Shutt hound full cast to the program. She is sleeping right now.

between us in the studio and she really did not like the welcome which is why Spencer pulled up short yeah I had to she was regarding she was reacting in really really unpleasant ways and by that I mean farting forgot how much dogs fart by that we mean she was not rating reviewing and subscribing on oh which available podcast app that which makes her one of our listeners with a lot of room for improvement wow mm-hmm there it is you know what it is like see we like to the cat does not appear to have an Apple ID we like to extend this courtesy to everybody

by the way yes the Buccaneers might have won the Super Bowl 31-9 wait what yeah and nobody really cares and about how that might have happened except for this I will say this I'm leaving a five-star review on the podcast Yelp page

or relevant customer service input page of one person on the Kansas City Chiefs this right I want to know who did their job perfectly who had three punts for 107 yards who didn't mess up a single thing and who got off every one of his attempts clean that is correct

that is Chief's MVP Tommy Townsend graduate of the University of Florida that's right what's been the best part of the University of Florida football experience for the past 10 years punters yeah some kickers but punters too

he did shanked one pretty hard on a second chance Did you go to bed before the end of the Super Bowl? I did. I'm just reading the first half. I'm just reading the stat line. Yeah, it was like the second first. I was not paying attention.

I got it mad. That's fine. Well, I just saw it. Florida didn't do that well in a bowl game, is what I'm saying. Wow. That's never happened in Tampa before. Novel experience for everyone involved. No.

There are no Florida players on the bucks. There are, there's a Harvard player. There are two Iowa players. There are two James Madison players. there's a couple Canadians not Florida not Florida or Florida State or Miami

That's weird A team of Tom Brady Suddenly gets unusually Caucasian That's odd So I disagree with that Because did you see the thing Bagani did on I think it was on HQ today

So The Bucks have a black OC And a black DC They do special teams too yes that's right yes one of them makes me feel extremely old including including college football

legend and great statue byron left which they're offensive coordinator makes me feel old byron left which is the offensive coordinator of the bucks did a great job last night I mean it's not his fault that he makes me feel old Todd Bowles is the defensive coordinator of the bucks and his great a great name because it's also a simple

sentence they're not the same you should go seek it out from bow on Twitter but The short version is, in the post-game, like, virtual media availability, I believe the first question Byron Leftwich got asked was, like, hey, what did you do? What did you do to game plan to limit the chiefs and Pat Mahomes to nine points? And Byron Lefich, like, you could just see him just being like, the fuck is, are you fine? I just won the Super Bowl. I just won the fucking Super Bowl as an offensive coordinator. Do we know who this was? I don't remember.

I don't know if they've said who it was. But like... If it was a woman, we would already know who it was. It was a dude. It was a dude. And Dominique Foxworth on the show was like, well, like, weren't there other questions that would have clued you in? And both said, no, this is the first question.

And then Dominique brought up the good point of like, well, they introduce who's at the podium. That means it came literally after they told you who this person was. They should stop letting Tom Brady ask questions. Yeah. I think it's sweet that Jim Masch got a Super Bowl pass. Wow. That's a deep cut, just like Super Bowl. Yeah.

So the Bucks have a very interestingly diverse stuff. and one media member decided that Byron Lefich was the defensive coordinator even though it's not even like they even kind of look alike it's a real fucking strait. No, they do not.

Also, Byron Lefich is hella famous. Yes. Well, in our world, yeah. But in the world of people who are covering the fucking Super Bowl, Byron Lefich, is hell of famous. It's not like he was at Fashion Week. He could be at Fashion Week.

That's fine. I don't know his hobbies. Hi, everybody. I'm Byron Lefwich, and this is Fashion Week. Please don't do his voice. No, don't do that. And it's also not like, has Byron Ruffich not suffered enough? It's also not like he just like showed up and everybody was like, who the fuck is like, there's been media for like a week or two leading up to this. People should know who Byron was.

Also, in credit where it's due, I said that Todd Bowles is great because he has a name that's a simple sentence. Both of these coaches have names that could be more than passable English villages. Yeah. Yeah. they could be or Todd upon Bowles frankly English English Premier League

managers right if I was like oh Todd Bowles taking over Wolverhampton see if Byron Leftwich can get

the wolves back to a past allegation Byron Lefich could actually be like a tier three club Mm-hmm Oh God

that's a great tier three club My family's club is Byron Leftwich FC Yes Oh yeah the rich

Like Richmond's totally losing 31 to buy red leftwich next year and ted lassus season two you guys talk amongst yourselves for a minute and i'm going to pull i'm going to decide the top five college coaches who could be football clubs who could be football clubs that's excellent i think that's a great idea football club named dave but dave all right you guys talk amongst yourselves i'll come back with this list shortly yeah yeah no that's that's a bad moment for everybody leftwich handled it pretty well in that

he balanced both the i really don't want to completely destroy this reporter's life but also i have no idea what you're doing dude like he struck a nice balance between those two yeah he he was he was very much like oh you fucked up you should imagine if he had lost the super bowl and then gotten what a refreshing moment this could have been a worse night for everybody what a refreshing moment for an offensive coordinator by the way that that he got to do that to a reporter that reporters who get to ask him questions like well why did you call that screen which i watched 17 hours of against that defense and it worked every single time. Why did you call that particular screen, which worked every other time against every other

team in the third quarter that resulted in a game-killing interception? Well, funny, do you remember what you just did? I get to say that to you now. That's rewarding. I mean, usually, you know, like, I've been on the other side when you have to ask a question. It's got to be great to be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, let's back this up. You're in trouble now. You didn't even, you didn't even, you didn't even watch the film, son.

you didn't even read the roster well done dude well done by the way Byron looks great looks absolutely yeah yeah 100% and like clearly all that time my fashion wait

and did a great job like this is the only actual football perspective I have on the game there's a lot of talk about like the chief's offensive line and like what the fuck was Pat Mahom's supposed to do he's like throwing from 15 degrees you know horizontal to the field and hitting receivers in the face mask blah blah blah blah but like not a lot of talk about like yeah tampa called a really good offensive game against the chiefs like did not you know really did not look flustered for large stretches of the game could have been worse because they got stopped on third and goal and fourth and goal from the one I am all for this, by the way, because one, it's more shine for Byron Leftwich and left for less for Tampa Bay's quarterback.

And two, we really need to compliment what a great job Byron Leftwich did with such a limited signal caller. We really need to. That Leftwich managed to take a 43-year-old and put him in a position to succeed. That's really all you want to do when you're working in gerontology is you want to make sure. sure that you know they feel like they're continuing to grow they might actually not be continuing to grow but you want to make them feel that way you know to keep them alive sure i like the um i like the fancy graphics they do where they show like what uh like a quarterbacks movement over the course of the game in the pocket or from shotgun or whatever and like most quarterbacks like

there's a normal amount of movement to it pat mohomes like looks like a fucking butterfly dying it's spread way out to the side to the back. It's fucking crazy. And Tom Brady's is like, yep, got my 2,000 steps in tonight. That's all I needed. Just kept it. Just it basically looks like

he played the game on a treadmill that like slightly tilted to the side occasionally. Cha-cha now, y'all. That's what it looks like. It looks like if you did gentle DDR to maybe something like that or the cupid

cupid shuffle yeah yeah yeah and good good for him i'm just glad that at his age he can feel like you know feel like he's accomplishing something you know i just so you know that you know you know that football reply guy thing where it's like um watch football when like someone has lost an argument online yeah uh more or less and the retort is learn football yeah and like no matter how defeated they are Having someone tell you that is still like, that is deeply irritating no matter how wrong they are when they go to, when it is just this, this is like bizarre clobber argument. Learn football. Well, I have never more wanted to use this than when I see people saying Patrick Mahomes played poorly in this year's Super Bowl. Oh, God.

Because if you say, if you say he didn't do well, he should have stepped up in the, what fucking pocket? he should have he should have done this he should have done that he should have hit his receivers in the fucking face mask more often he cannot pass to himself listen the younglings when when when when Anakin Skywalker shows up the younglings have to adjust the game plan all right they got figure out what to do in the face of lightsaber pressure there has never been more irritated by football fans when it comes to discussing the facts that happened within a football game of course there are certainly arguments they make that are worse that are about things outside the field

but when it comes to what happens on the actual gridiron saying Patrick Mahomes played poorly against Tampa Buccaneers is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen that was it was the strangest game of it strangest NFL game I've ever seen and I've seen a lot of Falcons games so I know what I'm talking about it was if his receivers can catch the ball

and if the bucks don't get like five bullshit pass interference penalties in their favor the entire result could have flipped and we're talking about a 22 point spread like a 22 point swing like the buck's offense sure it's fine Byron Nuff which did what he could with such a limitation at quarterback

Todd Bowles dialed up a perfect scheme don't blitz they can't block so why blitz have seven guys back to cover seven guys can cover five guys right and then that's it and then Mahomes magic and you get a little bit of luck drop passes that are hitting people in the fucking

face and whatever but like dude if you watch that game and you're not convinced Patrick Mahomes is the best football player of all time watch football learn football it's okay to say it that's the best football player who has ever played the game it's fine we can admit Tom Brady has a lot of rings so does Robert Ory Robert Ory is the greatest basketball player of all time I realize

that's true that is true but you know what it reminded me of what are you about to segue into an acorns thing I wasn't okay because I thought Spencer was seguing into an acorns thing a few minutes ago and forgot about it. So I just wanted to make sure we hadn't dropped that. No. Because he kept talking about making things grow. Sure.

Anyway, Ryan, can you ask Spencer and Jason the question you asked me towards the end of the Super Bowl last night about Brady? Because I am interested to hear what they say. Okay. Okay. So one of these stupider things that has been floating around really Twitter, but probably like sports media more broadly over the last, I don't know, a week or two, is this assertion that Tom Brady is in the, is in the, uh,

the conversation for greatest athlete of all time. And that leads to a lot of pushback where people are like Serena or Simone Biles or Michael Phelps or like, you know, a lot of different players, whatever. Michael Jordan, LeBron, et cetera, et cetera. Here is my question to you. Putting aside that, yes, he's extremely accomplished and he is extremely good at his job, what is the like most athletic thing you remember Tom Brady doing in his now 20-year career? Like, what is the athletic kind of?

a holy shit play from Tom Brady where you were like how did he do that physically yeah that time he dropped a pass in the Super Bowl and they lost the Super Bowl because of it that was good yeah that was definitely my favorite Tom Brady play I thought that was breathtaking I thought the time where he just got to throw float balls to Randy Moss that was pretty incredible people are like Brady is an amazing quarterback Randy Moss meanwhile is throwing three dudes off of him and like blowing up a helium balloon with helium he stored in his lungs so he could fly 10 feet in the air right and yet somehow not die of like hypoxia to catch the ball i thought that was pretty cool i like all those times he hit the flat that was my favorite thing like wow great pass to the flat tom brady

are we ultimately celebrating here a pre 2020 mailman wow which which mailmen you know male persons should be celebrated uh mailman for men uh male male people should be celebrated god damn Damn it. Postal carriers. Postal carriers. Anyway, I'm trying to say that I really appreciate mail carriers right now, especially now that we don't have them anymore. But ultimately what we are celebrating is he worked the mail room correctly.

He got the things in the slots on time and didn't get fired. It's just like. And he was kind of a dick the entire time. Just throw to the flat. It's just really, it's just so weird because like, for every other athletes. I'm ready one that great is what we're all saying. For every other athletes that it's on this list, you can at least be like... You can reach us at 38 Godfrey.

You won't care about that. Like, if you compare Brady to LeBron. Yeah. Come the fuck on. Right. Watch basketball. Compare Brady to Serena, bitch. Compare Brady.

If you want to read more recency bias, compare Brady to fucking Simone Biles. Watch gymnastics. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, get the hell out of here with the clutch gene thing. Stop. Stop.

Stop. What has America ever gone wrong? wrong, diving into genetics. It's true. When is that ever... I guess it would be my camera. When is that ever gone badly when we've attributed something to genetic superiority? I don't know.

That seems like something Brady might be into. Anyway, Pat Mahomes. Also, but here's the other thing. I think like the more interesting take on this is that, and this is weird to say, Tom Brady's career should perhaps be more appreciated because he's not particularly insanely athletic. He's not like, he's not like out of shape or like unathletical. athletic but he's not like have you fucking seen tom brady run i mean jesus christ he's i think what

you're saying is in it sounds like what you're saying is in in both execution and in motion he is a grandfather clock yes or a grandfather perhaps but i just said clock um his his big message is this don't try don't try do you i mean like when you think about the most obvious plays that they made what did they do? Okay. Against the Rams, he throws like a nice out and up. That's cool. You know, an out and up pattern is based on like execution. It's not really based on like one guy outskilling the other. It's based on, oh, you thought he was going this way? Now he's going that way. Every other player I remember Tom Brady doing is being like, man, he's thrown to a really great player and or, oh yeah, that guy's open in the flat. Stop trying. Everyone else is trying

too hard. You know what Aaron Rogers' problem is? Aaron Rogers is trying too hard. Because you know what Aaron Rogers can do. Aaron Rogers can put it into that three by three inch by three inch hole in the back of the end zone that happens in a busted cover three that he could put to a better mail room analogy because it's like a pigeon hole. Right. Like here just just here put it right there and Aaron Rogers is like yeah I can do that it's going to rock it'll look awesome. You know what Tom Brady's like I'm not doing that. Anaventieri can kick this game when he can feel cool. Just try less. Try less. It's not it's not even really like shade. It's more just like the context is so missing from it. No, it was just, it was remarkable to be in the moment to realize that I could not think back to a, I could not instantly reach for, especially as someone who watched her favorite football player play against this guy several times a year for like a decade, I can't pull a holy shit Tom Brady play immediately out of my brain. Right. No, and by the way, that's because he doesn't play hero ball. That's it. No, he plays all his hero ball off the field. I was going to say that's exactly why I like I would pick 50 other quarterbacks over him

because god damn I'd rather watch Dan Marino through four interceptions that watch him win for Super Bowls I really would I did not I did not realize that this exists but there is a slate article um from Tom Brady is he bad it's very close to that it's it's it's like good almost ever reliable it's about two weeks old the headline what is the most exciting play of Tom Brady's career the subhead is there one Okay, that's a great point. I take it back. Who wrote that? Nick Green. Nick Green, I don't know you, but I celebrate.

Nick Green, well done, man. I know Jason, Kirk, and Alex Kirchner have been doing some Slate blogging, too, of late. Perhaps y'all should check out this new website. This new upstart. Which we have just invented. Scrappy. Alex, by the way, like both Alex and Jason have done great stuff on Slate.com. Alex has had a little bit of a week.

Rapidly blossoming into a muckraking financial reporter. It's like he took raw dogging the quarter zip. and grew his career out of that he did that's what he's doing he's disrespecting the quarter sip the sacred garment of the finance industry one drop of sweat at a time anyway let's go back to celebrating patrick mahomes yeah i would much rather do that i like if i was like man quarterbacks i'd rather have over brady just for the experience mike vick i don't care if they're like hey listen yeah he's not going to learn anything if you go back and rerun this he's still going to get arrested for dog fighting i'm like awesome let's do it

spencer can we do it without like with a a a less bloody crime How about that? Yeah. Art theft. Unless Bloody Christ. Can we not do dog fighting in awesome and consecutive sentences? Not related. Not related.

No. Okay. What about? Folks, you can reach Spencer at 404. How about Mike Vick goes to federal prison for freeing animals from the Georgia Aquarium? Yeah. Much better.

Mike Hick steals a whale shark from the Georgia aquarium to release it into the sea. Eco terrorist Mike Vick. They don't have enough eco-terrorists these days. That's right. If you told me, like, I was trying to think of other quarterbacks I would take over him, Aaron Rogers, with all the foibles with all of the like playoff disappointments. Yeah, 100% do that because he's been thrown to traffic cones. Well, Brady was throwing a traffic codes.

Those were highly managed traffic cones in a Bill Belichickian machine. I have a rude one. Dante Colpepper. Oh, absolutely. God, Dante Culpepper to Randy Moss, that was money. That was delightful. Jim Sorgie. Let's not do that.

Yep. No, no, I said it. But, look, oh, yeah, I'm the one who's problematic on this show tonight. I agree. Even, like, weird horseman John Elway. Like, John Elway would at least run to one side of the field, rear back, and even to the other side of the field. John O, so, like, you go look at the raw numbers, and it's like,

oh, John Elway is kind of overrated. Okay. Now, compare his teammates to Joe Montana's teammates, right? John Elway was awesome. Like, I don't have, you know, I don't have. to approve of anything he's into these days to say John Elway was a fucking awesome football player and uh he did go look at his his teammates were often the ones being carried by him unlike I'm gonna say this I'm gonna say this in language of Falcons fan can understand John Elway

1.0 the one who became famous not the one who won Super Bowls playing in a Dan Reeves offense playing in a Dan Reeves offense that which also oversaw the awesome Offense most friendly. That's right. That's right. He did not try to run the goddamn West Coast offense with Mike Vick as Jim Mora did. So Dan Reeves, Offensive Innovator, you'll hear no quarrel from me. All right.

I have come up with a list of coaches from college who would make good English football clubs. Okay. I've compiled two lists. One is a list of coaches whose full names could be English football clubs in and of themselves. the second is a list of like cheeky nicknames like they don't sound like the full names of coaches themselves but it sounds like you know spencer what are some football club names i don't know any man city ashton villa crystal crystal palace no like when you when you shorten the names like what are what are like the short versions of the team names wolves yeah hammers yeah okay anyway you'll you'll get what i mean you absolutely ruined this all right so uh if i told you any of the following was an english football club Would you believe me?

Scott Satterfield. Yeah. Bronco Mendenhall. No. I feel like that might be more Bundesliga. All right, all right. Lincoln Riley. Yeah.

All right. Here's the one that I think, here's I think the runner up to the best one. Kirkference. Kirk, as we learned, is a Scottish word that means church. I like that if it's all one word. Yeah.

Oh, and Kirk, Kirk, Hurrieds. Nails and Equerrence. Liza, there it is. Three, three. Here's one I feel is really strong. Thomas Hammock. Yeah. Now, can I propose, let me propose one thing here.

Can we run back through this and flip the word order of all five? Sure. Okay, okay. I think it's magic on all five of them. All right, all right. Satterfield Scott. Look at that. Yeah, 100%. Satterfield Scott.

Oh, to distinguish it. from like Satterfield Wales they're right right rivals yeah okay directly across the border from each other yeah Mendenhall Bronco oh look at Mendenhall Bronco yeah but they'd be singular because it's a football club name

they're not the Broncos that's correct Riley Lincoln yeah sounds like a pop star Riley Riley Lincoln's like a third tier pub team yeah yeah yeah Ferrence Kirk oh one more yeah look at that look at that yeah yeah yeah

Hammock Thomas that was maybe a manager yeah yeah Calhoun Troy okay here's oh okay I can't say this one in reverse

but I think it works really well forwards Kirby smart Kirby smart is 100% a second it's pronounced it's pronounced it's pronounced kerbismert and they're a Turkish team

there's a Turkish team it's Kermis smart yeah I think the oomelot is over the A. Yeah, and there's like a weird curly-kewed O over one of the letters. And Kerbizsmert had like a weird wheelchair basketball riot five years ago. Cabo smirt. Kermir-smurt. Their stadium is in the shape of the holy Krabir-smurt, which it turns out is some weird, like, water cooler.

Yeah. All right. Stay with me here. Lane Kiffin. Oh, Lane Kiffin is a team. You can't convince me that. No, no. I disagree with that.

Lane Kiffin is a stadium. And Kiffin Lane have equalized it. Kiffin Lane is a stadium. And you're like, Kiffel, okay. Welcome to Lane. Excuse me. It's pronounced Kiffinland.

Kiffinland. Kiffinlan. All right. This one works in forward and reverse. I guess making this the Georgia of, oh my God, it's literally the Georgia of Alabama or England. I feel like I've just opened the Ark of the Covenant. Oh my God.

Are you guys aware of the name of, the University of South Alabama's new coach. No. I should know. Kane Womack. Kane Womack. Wow. Kane Womack, Womack, Kain.

He's literally Alabama or England. Kane Womack scored 13 goals for West Ham. Oh, yeah. He was the D.C. at Indiana. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I don't know if it's Womack or Womack, but for the purposes of this exercise,

it felt like there was only one way to go. Sure. I want to put, Jeff always sounds like it's short for a football club for some reason, because you're like, oh, I root for, I root for Jeff Halfley. Who do you root for? Who's your club? Shetland Jeff.

Who's your club? Oh, man, I pull for Willie Fritz. I pull for Walt Bell. It'd be one of those clubs when somebody gets super hipster on you. And they're like, yeah, I root for Jeff Jeffley. And you're like, no, you don't. No, you don't. No one watches them.

They've been bankrupt for 13 years. Yep. There is one clear leader among all of these that I think has to be a football club. And in fact, you can't prove it's not. Because, again, this is not split zone. Tom Arth. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Boy, me old Arth, Tom. Arth Tom is the ancestral, like, stomping grounds of some team full of, like, where the fans are all coal miners. I was lecturing the daily mirror going, like, get Arth fucked. You'll never fart alone. You'll never art alone. Anyway, thank you for being with me on this journey.

Can I make a confession here, by the way? I have a secret EPL team. But you don't post about it on Twitter every Saturday morning. How are we supposed to know that? Ever. Ever. Good. That makes you the only good kind of Americans football fan.

But I do have a secret EPL team. Okay, don't tell us. How secret are we talking? I don't know about it. She didn't know about it. I like how it makes it sound like he purchased this team. Yeah. Man, he might have with all of his money from acorns.com.

Ooh, we'll get there. damn do it do it do it let's go let's go read the ad oh man

jason let's hit this i love that that uh the ad text is not exactly present on that side of

so acorns.com slash full cast is the country's leading saving and investing app uh let us check in on the pile that has accrued

I have I'm sorry, I didn't see that there was no text there. I just built a segue into nothing. No, it's not your fault. We're rolling. We're on a road to nowhere. We're growing. We're in the ground.

But you know what's going to be waiting for us when we get there? No, it's fine. Our dollars and cents rounded us. That's right. Yeah, I've also put in some of my game stop winnings. I've put in some of the seasons football gambling production. And, yeah, the pile is blooming. my retirement pace

I'd say age 83 is as high as it'll go okay that's even that's ambitious but is it brother is it brother we have stonks so you can forecast as far as you want to go or it's 83 all right the idea of retiring at 83 is

fantastical and far-fetched but there's a big enough number here that could probably last me like six months or something once inflation is is you know like quadrupled or quadrupled or whatever you know money terms if you don't like money terms acorns is the perfect saving and investing app for you you don't have to know a darn thing money go in line go up that's it higher line go sooner you can retire it says 83 that's ambitious

but we'll keep working on it acorns dot com slash fullcast for your five dollar starter kit jason you're by far the most active football gambler of of our bunch which i know is not a high bar to clear but how did you do this season with all of the slipperiness of the circumstances surrounding it uh i just so i i used to term spray the board it's a gross term that means bet on a lot of games but this season i was really really picky and i only bet on games if it was like all right there's a friendly number based on you know sb plus fpi team rankings etc etc etc so only a few games for weekend that turned out quite well uh and was on the right side last night because i looked you know one team uh has has an offensive line one team doesn't you and mattress mac

mattress mac oh was he also on the box mattress mac one big yeah because mattress mac was uh was on the board for like three and a half million oh listen three and a quarter million mattress mac who If you do not know Mattress Mac. I think he's come up on the show before. James McInvail, he is. He's like the anti-Jol Austin. Yeah, I don't know if we need to explain who Mattress Mac is to our list. Spencer appears to not know who he is despite being the most Houstonian.

No, no, I know. I think, like, I think our listeners know who Mattress Mac is. I know. I was concerned that Spencer didn't know for a second because I thought he was having a small stroke. I'm trying to find the amount. It was like $4 million and something like that. I didn't know who he bet on, but it was something like $4 million. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I thought, I thought Spencer was going to use as to the identity of Matt's Mac.

I wanted to get you the exact terms of the Fed here, because if you do not know, Mattress Mac, who the mattress baron of Houston, Texas, just in case you don't know. He tied this into one of his in-store promotions because... That's why he's the Mattress King. That is correct, because his gallery furniture stores from the Houston Chronicle said that offered customers a chance to win free furniture, if the bucks won. if the customer spent three grand or more on a temporepidic, Cilis, or Stearns and Foster mattress,

box spring, and or adjustable base, they get their money back since Tampa won, which is pretty incredible. Did you see the actual bet that he placed on the game? The biggest bet, it was the biggest bet placed this year on the Super Bowl. He placed $3.46 million on the bucks

plus three and a half points yeah that three and a half that's nice friendly side of the key number there that's excellent line shopping so if he put if he put

3.46 down how much how much did our boy get back or is that between him and the casino well it'd be right around there because that's just yeah that's not an that's not like odds

right he didn't take Tampa straight up yeah yeah if he'd done that he would have collected even more but plus the points you're just you're gonna get the casino's going to take their cut and he's going to basically double his money more or less damn Mac again living living the life that other people wish they could Mattress Mac what did you do I established a an empire based on sleep and sex right comfortable sleep and sex that's really what Mattress Mac establish his entire career on and now he just gets to gamble on sports in public this sounds great this is an amazing life yeah the uh so on like how football gambling was different this year like

yeah it was all like it was very difficult to predict but the really really funny thing is that like statistical models actually held up really well which is bizarre like i think Vegas had a harder time with it than most, like, computer power rankings did, and human gamblers, I assume, just got wiped out, but it was, it was weird, like, computer rankings just cut through all the weird garbage, which makes you wonder how much the weird garbage actually matters, like, look how weird the season was, and all the bizarre factors we'd never had before, and look who won it, Alabama and Tom Brady and LeBron James. Finally, the computers are in charge.

so like all the stuff we spent you know like oh man this is different this is going to change no it's not nothing changes anything well we control the horizontal nothing changes anything we control the vertical bet on tom brady hitting passes in the flat it's probably a good idea to throw to grok just just throwing that out there football beep yeah yeah can i tell you he did a promo with Lyft where he was driving around with a shitty wig on which I have to say

Rob Grogkowski with the shitty wig on and some Oakley's totally looks like somebody would live in Tampa and he was driving around Tampa picking people up and saying things like yeah man I just want to meet Rob Grodkowski and you know he would take the wig off and go oh you just did

and the best part of this ad is that every time Tom every time that Rob Gronkowski takes the wig off and says oh you just met rob gronkowski he sounds surprised like that like rob grondkowski's in the car they put a mirror behind the camera so that he could like it is rob grondkowski it seems new to him every time either he's one of the most convincing actors alive or he forgot the bit every single time which one do you think it is i have my suspicions you've seen the anecdote about um the gronkowski household when he was a child right or yeah that was that was christian which one oh yeah that was a

christian story which anecdote there is several well the the one that stuck with me was that they have i think they said they put it was either five beds or five mattresses five king beds and three or crass like two or three bedrooms yeah and they just sort of like nobody had a room it was just sort of like big big gronks just pass out wherever they do yeah and that's just how they lived perpetually yeah there was also uh they go through they went through what was it 20 gallons of milk uh a week it was as soon as all the boys moved out the dad was like replacing the hot tub as soon as i can it's like he was running a like a college dining hall basically it spent like six hundred dollars a week just on groceries I asked

and what it was like he looked at me and said total hell this is from uh that's horrible this is from chris jones the story was at uh esq's choir but yeah there was also a story uh it knew today about gronk's mom who also went through total hell like it was her job to like handle the logistics of five boys who played like nine sports each and one of them is like and there weren't even cell phones i literally don't know how she did it i assume she like tied wire to all of them and they just like went across down. Long, long, long, long strings. Pull on the gold one and be like, that's Rob.

Just pull on him. He'll come home. At Burmese airports, they don't announce your flight. What they do is they put a sticker on your chest, like they slap a sticker on your chest. And they come around. And if you're wearing that color, they just pull you onto the plane. That's what they did. The Gronkowski household had to be color-cordid.

Oh, that's a rom-com. Yeah, it had to be color-coordated stickers where she was just like, yeah, go grab purple. You mean Rob, purple, whatever. Holly, why not both? Oh, wait, I see why not both? Never mind. Imagine running a golden corral and the Grankowski's coming.

Battening down the hatches. Do you just call the cops right away? Self-destructs. The manager in the back turns to everyone. He's like, remember your training. Listen. It just opens a hatch in the floor. and the employees all 7. 8.32 p.m.

The chocolate fountain goes down. Let's just let it go. We need backup. We need backup now. Nobody has to die tonight. Don't be a hero. That's the edge of tomorrow sequel I want. Dr. Strange's portal start opening up and more chefs and waiters are pouring in.

And Wong is like, this is not enough. There's one gate that opens up and there's no people. it's just hash browns pouring out of the gate from nowhere. The portal opens up and it's the fresh bread sign. Like, seriously, at one point, like, if you had to go to their bathroom and look down at the commode and in the bottom of the bowl, there had to be a smoking groove worn in it from five boys just shitting as hard as they could into it. What?

Serber, uh, server, can you put that one next to our advertising? on the Twitter. Just do that. Can you even do laundry if you're the Grogkowski's? No, no. Or you just have like a burn pit. I think what you have is you probably just have a hose in the back that's the bidet. Full of axe body spray.

Yeah. I think you make them clothes out of like the stuff they make surgical masks out of. Yes. And you just bag it up and throw it out and open the next plastic bag. You got to make it fun. So I think you do like a slip and slide that has just like detergent. What if you have a car wash? Yes.

Drive-through car wash. Drive-through car wash in an open-top Jeep. Boys, go playing the car wash. You smell fucking terrible. Go with the car wash. And like, I love, like, calling them boys. They're all, like, 17. They're all 17 and can all, like, deadlift at 900 pounds.

And it's like, and listen. That's what it sounds like when they run. Did you ever see Big Mouth the episode where, At one point, the mother who only has boys has one room in her house that nobody can go into. And she explains that at one point when one of the friends comes over and it stumbles into the room. She looks at him and goes, I only have boys. And I'm married to a man. The rest of this house smells like Burger King forever.

That's the Groskowski household. I feel like, like, I feel like God put all the sliders to full. Mrs. Gronkowski. It was like, here you go! Heisman difficulty. Just no, no, man, just no. Like, yeah, can I have a car? The answer is yes. Drive away. Drive very far away. Fuck, how different would history be of Henry the 8th had married Mrs. Grunk first? Oh, man. Wow, we all speak English English. Wow. He's super Catholic as it turns out. He's super into Catholicism. He loves

conquered the entire world him and his him and his son prince rob they fucking love it prince gronk prince gronk that's that's it that's the entire world just lives on like the chippy right just like the chip shop it'd be the chip shop and exercise bikes that's all it ended up we're all descended from like gronkis con has millions of you know the made up putting all our all putting on our Ferenzkirk kits for Saturday. By the way, the name you made up for a Kronkowski ancestor is funny.

It's not as funny as the real name for the most famous Kronkowski ancestor. And that would be American professional cyclist and Olympian world record holder Ignatius Kronkowski. Iggy Kronk! Who went by Iggy.

Iggy Kroch. He went by He went by Iggy Gronkowski And he was Naceous Naceous And by the way He was a miler And a two miler on a bike

So back in the 20s Before people ate protein He had like He had legs the size of hamps Dude was Dude totally looks like You're like a cyclist You're like no

He looks like a Gronkowski Look at a photo Of Iggy Grancowski And you're like Oh yeah That man could water an eye With a fart from 40 yards That's that's a Gronkowski

Thank you.