Shutdown Fullcast - Hey football recruit, do you like ice storms and smooth jazz?

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

On this episode, we have guest Michael Felder from Hand in the Dirt to discuss the marvels of Arkansas QB KJ Jefferson, going to the movies around retirement home schedules, how the wedge salad is "The Bloomin' Onion of healthy foods," the terror of the fade route, and Spencer tries to convince everyone the best job in college football involves the alma mater of the most successful vampire fiction author of all time.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I like going to the movie theater so much, guys, that I learned the camp and the senior homes schedules to avoid them going to the movies. Or I would pick movies based on what they would not go see. What they wouldn't be going to see? Right. What do the senior homes go see? They go see a lot of like Oscary movies. Oh, okay. A lot of Oscar movies.

The kids obviously go see the kids movies, which. Sure. I'm not going to go see those anyways, but they see a lot of Oscar movies. Like, when I saw Lady Bird, it was like a, I fucked up. It was a senior day. There were like 15 of us in there. And one, but I didn't fuck up that bad because I was crying when I left. And one old lady was like, are you going to be okay?

And I was like, yeah, I think it'll be fun. This was like when you could still hug a stranger. Sure, right. Yeah. And we hug. and then we walked out. Yeah. Oh, this parking lot is beautiful.

Sometimes you do need the senior group around you. We hugged. I like it. It's a senior, so you hugged and you walked out, and then she hit your car, backing out of her space. No, she got back on the bus. She gets in the bus. That's the beauty of the day.

And then the bus hit your car. Yeah. Got it. That's it, because all the senior citizens are like, hit the car. That's what we would do. We'd say we were careless, but it's because we're mad at the world. Welcome to the show.

shutdown full cast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast oh I'm just going to get right to it we got a special guest today I'm going to introduce everybody then we're going to get it directly to our guest because he's already dropped several knowledge bombs and narrated his way around the house which is was thrilling I am Spencer hall I am joined as always by my fellow host Jason Kirk Jason how we do it today I'm doing fine. I'm joined by my fellow host, Ryan Nanny. Maybe that's what we've set up, a chain of, a chain of hosts, something like that. Chain of hosts. That's, sure, sure. Human centipede, sponsored by Tums. Oh, Ryan, you are muted on the clean feet, baby.

It's you this time, man. It's you! I think what's pretty funny Just to let the listener in behind the Not velvet rope We can't afford velvet ropes But we talked about this like 10 minutes Yeah, we sure did

This exact thing But I want to be clear What I said was I can't go a whole show Without fucking this up I didn't say I'm really good at this And I will nail it this week

Anyway To be clear Ryan wisely prepared us That this might happen What were you saying about the human centipede? It doesn't matter. I'm just going to sit in my own failure.

That's what the human centipede is about. I just, what I was going to say is, I feel like the scientist and the doctor had a very loose understanding of what a centipede is. That seems pretty snug. You know? Yeah.

I'm like, have you even seen one? Yeah, it's more like a human subway, right? Sure. Or like a human train, if you were going to tell like they're connected like train cars or something but like if you said like if you said like come into this room i have a human centipede i'd be like holy shit a person with a thousand arms that's awesome yeah and then i just see a bunch of people asses sewed to mouths like what a letdown so the it's the um the organism having too many faces would be the problem that would be part

of the problem but i would also say like part of the appeal of the centipede or the millipede is the ratio of legs to body length and you haven't changed that at all. It's completely off. Yeah. Like it's exactly the same as a regular human. Yeah. All you've done is stacked humans.

Right. Like a more accurate version of the movie is he's kidnapping people chopping off their arms and legs and grafting them onto one person who has a shitload of him. Ryan, he brought people together. And that's what the show does. Ryan, I think what you've described is a human doxin.

Maybe the human set of bead was the podcast we made along the way. Yeah. With that glorious intro, I would like to welcome our guest for our episode. We so rarely have them. But in this case, we had to, especially because on the full cast after dark, we tried to have him as a guest and completely screwed up the tech behind it. So I think we have him now. That would be the legendary ad in the bleachers on Twitter, Michael Felder. Michael Felder, thank you for joining us.

now thank you guys for having me and i do have a couple things i do want to say um one i think if we stop looking at limbs as arms versus legs and just look at them as limbs the human sit at p does have merit second part when you said that they're coming you come to make people come together we had a group at unc called ac t athletes coming together oh no You can tell he's really hitting this word in a very specific way. That's basically what it was. It was just like, let's get all the teams together and like you find who you like and then you find who you like. And then you guys do adult stuff together.

But I'm happy to be here. I love this. I don't know what happened from a tech standpoint. I think we got it maybe fixed for the next time that we do the full cast after dark. But I mean, specifically, obviously I'm here as an advocate for a holiday. and KJ. Jefferson, which we'll get to at some point. But I'm happy to be an ambassador for huge dudes doing stuff. Yeah, you know, I would love to talk about that because I know that Arkansas is off this week.

They have a buy week. They'd have a well-deserved by week because that team... Yeah, they need a break. That team, it's when you're that big, the big boys, you need a week off from being that big. You get winded. They're not, I mean, they're not technically off. they are. I mean, they're playing Pine Bluff, but who's not that good? But I just, before Pine Bluff fans start filling up dimensions, you know they will. The Pine Bluff fans battering down

my door. Pine Bluff Mafia coming to your town. They don't have it off week. They have a light, a light week. Yes. In Arkansas, what we call a salad week, which at Arkansas, I imagine is ham salad. I was going to say a wedge. A wedge? Is that? Wedge salad? What is the most fat boy, fat boy salad you can think of?

I mean, commonly. Don't need it. No, no theory. Taco salad. It's taco salad in the edible bowl? Yeah. I'm going, I think it's, I think it's wedge with blue cheese and bacon. I'm kind of leading that way.

You know why? Because the pinnacle of like fat boy with money food is the steakhouse, right? Wow, let's go to a steakhouse. Everybody just, the boys will love it. Let's go to a steakhouse. It'll be 120 ahead. The wedge salad is never, like a taco salad, you could just eat that by itself. Cobb salad, same thing.

Nobody's just like, what did you eat for lunch? I had a wedge salad. No, you, motherfucker, you had a steak, too. Well, yeah, it's the bloomin onion of healthy. Okay, well, I take that personally. There's also the, uh, I think we can't overlook the, like, the buffalo chicken salad because it's like, you're eating a meat that is, you're eating wings. It's okay.

It's okay that you're eating wings. It's okay if I eat chicken tenders, if they're cut up for them already. If mother has cut them. Now I'm a big boy. That is, I like that one because it's like the illusion of health with little landmines of delicious, like fatal fried chicken just floating in there, right? Like globs of blue cheese. Yeah.

I mean, but I think the difference I go, I would go back to Ryan's point, though. But that's your whole meal. Right. That's your whole meal. Right. The wedge with the humongous, like the real bacon bits, that's your starter. You're like, and you're probably going to get an appetizer anyways. You're going to get, you're like, you know what?

We should get the shishito peppers and why don't you throw in the fried green beans. I'm going to have a wedge. Then I'm going to have the lobster mac. Plus, let's go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and get the, we're going to get asparagus. I need something green. my mom would be upset if I didn't eat something green. And then I also want to have this huge steak and can I have a loaded big potato on the side. Yeah, and you had a salad, so you're good.

Yeah, so you're all fine. Like, the steakhouse meal is, to me, the best extremely expensive lie you can get in food because it is at every turn attempting to make a good decision and then not. It's going, okay, let's get a salad. Sure, sure. We'll get you a solid fucking wedge and we're going to cover it in blue cheese. We're just going to drive that your golet to clear the way for everything coming, right? Well, surely it's got a nutritional vegetable at the base. No.

It's got iceberg lettuce, which is basically just water, water and vegetable form. Water, all we're doing is breaking the dam to clear the way for all of the detritus and a fluvia behind it. Let's also not overlook the Caesar salad, which is just, it's mayonnaise with lettuce dunked in it. That's all it is. I know it's not mayonnaise. Face facts. It's basically mayonnaise. But it does have fish.

You get some omega-3s. Sure. Yeah. So what's your appetizer? You're like, what are we going to do? Oh, we're going to get like some delicious hearty bread. What is it? Actually, we're just going to get dinner rolls, which dinner rolls are just fat that have been

that's been given enough grain to sort of just float up around it, right? And then we're going to soak it in butter. That's what we're going to do. Yep. Is that enough? I was going to say, I was going to say popovers. I was like, oh, let's do the, let's do the popovers. And it's just like, oh, these things have to be cooked in their own special.

Fancy muffin tin, yeah. And they're fancy tin because there's so much butter in them that they don't even have a real batter. Yeah, they need to be contained sort of like nuclear waste or something like that. Yeah, remember all food from Chicago is a homicidal dare, all of it, right? Like that's sort of Chicago's home of the American Steakhouse and the reason that they do these things is because they're like, yeah, you want to be healthy in that? Yeah, that's fine here. How about you have some puffy butter air globule things? They're called rolls.

We'll just give them to you. Also, oh, you want some vegetable? Here you go, spinach dip. That's good. What is it? Cream cheese, and we just sort of drowned spinach in it. It's good for you. It's the best.

And you've got to share it with everybody. So make sure your germs getting there. The whole point of food is to die. I will say this is someone who lives in Chicago. You're not wrong. And also, we are coming up on Chicago's sexy season. right now, baby. What is Chicago sexy? I'm sorry, yes. Please, please go on. Chicago's a town, and I'm sure this is probably across the board of the Midwest. Chicago is a place that looks way

better when it is 35 degrees than when it is 75 degrees. Are you referring to the people or the town? The town? If you can get all these leaves off the trees, you're gold now. Now you can get to see kind of the architecture, the people, they spend all, you spend all your money on the clothes that matter. Like, right, so we're getting into boots. We're getting into boots. We're getting into fashion. We're getting into long coats. We're getting into our Canada goose. We're getting into all the things that like we spend our actual money on summertime. This is like people in old Navy flip-lops walking around with like jean shorts. And I'm like, what's happening?

I like the way that you describe Chicago because it makes it sound like, oh yeah it's sexy skeleton time here it comes get the leaves off make sure all the foliage is off it's sexy skeleton time i i tell you what when i go on a walk i will text you guys a picture of you said skeleton time Halloween is i don't understand it but these people decorate like insane for Halloween that's like a recent thing that has started to pop yeah like that started to happen around in nashville too and like i'm like it's too close to christmas i'm not doing i'm not doing this twice people definitely decorate more for Halloween than they did back in the day like maybe it's because trick or cheating is a little bit less of a thing at least no no no this is like a couple

years ago this is this was happening pre-covid they were just like someone putting from their second floor window all the way to their like front floor like the fence at the front of their house like a big spider's web with like a skeleton and like yeah it's I don't think this is a COVID thing it could it could have a little bit to do with it in certain parts of the country perhaps but like yeah people definitely didn't go this hard on Halloween directions decorations a decade or two ago like it's basically like in Chicago like yeah I killed my neighbor and actually buried him in my yard and then did an ironic festive and then did an ironic tombstone that's really his name mr. policeman did you say a lot of the first time yeah it is sexy Chicago season show me that sexy skeleton Chicago

The other reason it's probably sexy Chicago season is Chicago is too hot for touching in the summer And it's not like Miami hot where it's sort of like We accept that this is how it is and we're just all going to be as minimally closed We're going to all wear a lot of linen and rub up against each other whatever Chicago it's like oh no no don't touch me until after Thanksgiving Then it's all right then we can do some over the sweatshirt stuff It's still cold and I need to keep the sweatshirt on

for added friction it's the only thing keeping me alive come on because the bears because the bears are killing me Jesus

oh my God oh boy am I hitting a nerve our college football podcast is going great it is always has been but like I

did want to get back to that speaking of the Chicago of quarterbacks the man with big shoulders KJ Jefferson he's the absolute coolest. Like, I'm just glad we have somebody else on here who can appreciate his greatness. It's, I get it. I get it. They lost the Ole Miss and obviously rough game

against Auburn, but the fact that he was able to move that gigantic body around that much against Old Miss at that tempo, I found to be remarkable. I was, we were doing college sports now and I was like, if this game plays into the 40s, I think Arkansas is going to be in trouble. But if they can keep it under the 30s, they're going to be fine. And then they play it into the 40s and then we play it into the 50s. And they're able to, they keep going. I just think they're a resilient football team. Obviously, again, I don't know what's happening. Can we talk, you know what? We love you, KJ. Jefferson. We're giving you your flowers. Can we talk about Boat Knicks? Dude, let's talk about Boat Nix. It's time. You mean how Boonex like quietly had

the greatest game of his life and everybody was like moved on past it very quickly? yeah like what is he i don't like i honestly like for me like watching it i'm just like how how like you went from devastating interception against pin state what happened against georgia state i don't know but guess what you're benched and then the cc puts out a highlight of tj finley leading a 99-yard drive where we're supposed to be impressed by this against georgia state to he's back in the saddle guess what i'm saving the day and it just I don't know

I see does that count as gaining momentum yeah I just I want to play I want to ask you a question who's got more interceptions Bo Nix or the ever so fancy six star quarterback Bryce Young huh that's right Bryce Young has three

Bo Nix has two yeah oh yeah like these are real these are real things that happened within a month of each other this is Bo Nix against Georgia State 13 of 27 it's under 50%

for 156 yards no touchdowns no interceptions against Arkansas 21 of 26 over 80% for 292 yards two touchdowns and a pick 11 yards in attempt where the fuck did that come from

Brian Harsson it's a god thing it's a god thing it's Auburn so actually it's a god thing I think what it is is that like looking back at at his previous seasons, like 2020, he went 18 of 24 for 300 yards and three touchdowns against LSU.

2019, he went 16 of 21 for 335 and two touchdowns against Mississippi State. So I think, like, you are good for one to two what the fuck Bo Nix games a year. And it's really just a matter of like when they, but there's no real rhyme or reason to like when they happen, how they're going to happen. They don't necessarily mean anything about what two weeks late. That's the beauty of the Bowenix experience. You're just rolling that 20-sided die, and you're like, critical failure, critical hit.

It doesn't matter. Just keep rolling. I think part of it is he's been around for so long that we remember all of the bad games. And I don't know. I feel to some degree those have stuck in the collective mind in perhaps an outsized way. Then again, you look at his career numbers,

and it's like, oh, who dear. But it is, you're hitting on something. It is rare at this point to be an SEC, especially quarterback for this long and not clearly be like good, good. Yeah, yeah. This is his third year. Yeah. It feels like his 12th.

That's what I was going to say. Like you said he's been around for so long and I was like, oh, he still has another year. Yes, he has two. Yeah. I'm really excited for fifth year boat Is he gonna Is he gonna take all of them? I mean, how's that Milo's money hitting?

What's he going to do? Get drafted? Right, right. No. Detroit Lions draft Bo Nix. I'm gonna keep saying this for two more years. Don't do that to Bo. That's not fair to him.

He's going to get paid. I'm trying to get Bo paid. I want him to get paid too, but I don't think, listen, he's a guy, he's from Alabama. Is that correct? I think so. Yeah. Son of an Auburn quarterback.

Like, let's put him on the Texans or the dolphins or something. Like, come on. Let's keep him close. Like, let's, he back up for the Falcons. Let's go. Falcons. Sure. We'll take him.

We'll take him. We'll take him. Come on. Come on. And, like, he doesn't need, there's no, there's no reason for him to have to deal with a Detroit winner. No. Okay.

Fair. Do you know what that'll do to his frosted tips? Does he have frosted tips? No, he just looks like it. He actually does. He looks like he has... Wait till he gets to Miami. Yeah.

He looks like he has frosted tips. That's just how 100% Auburn quarterback he is to the core is that he looks like he does but doesn't. It's like they're natural. They just come out looking like this. Yeah, he does have a real like, bad guy in a three ninjas movie.

He really does. He looks to him. Yeah. He's so... Fuck you, Rocky. He is... He's so on the high side of pretty boy. Auburn quarterback as opposed to giant old sack of potatoes Auburn quarterback

aka the Ben Lairds of the world. I miss those guys. I miss those Tuberville quarterbacks where you're like who is this guy? You're like, I don't know. He was the backup power forward on a local high school team. And then we made him a quarterback. This is Bryant Big Country Reaves

and he's our quarterback now for some reason. I miss those guys. Now you're like, this guy's athletic. He can run around and do stuff and you're like, I need a guy runs a 5-4 and can kind of throw a slant pattern? Not really.

It didn't mean to disappear. I was just looking. It looks like he uses like a sun-in. Yes. Yeah. That is what it looks. Yes. Yeah. At the very used, least lemon juice. Natural sun-in is not something

to sneeze at. By the way, the Bow-Nix is six in the conference. I, like, I did not know in terms of total passing. I was like, Matt Carrell's got to be first. Matt Carrell's only fifth.

He's most of his time running around. They run the football, which is really cool. Like, they've run the ball. I think it's awesome. Lane is figuring it out and they've run the ball and they're the best. Are they still number one in the country in running the football? I think that they are, they're outside of, excuse me. So we have Air Force, Army, Coastal, then I miss.

They're fourth, Florida's fifth. and they run the ball a ton and it's all run looks off of this insane stuff that Lane Kiffin does in terms of creating levels in the passing game where oh by the way I can still just run. Yeah, I can just take off at any point right because the middle of the field is completely open

which is what he did time and time and time again against Tennessee which is what got him hurt and possibly doubtful for this week. But let's not talk about that part. Let's not dwell. Oh, that's not true. Hey. Macarena.

I got one more thing as an appreciator of big dudes, not to go too far back to Arkansas, but we're going to go a little bit back to Arkansas. Trailon Burks is just the cool, like, Traylon Burks on the other end of that KJ. Jefferson thing, I was watching a little bit of Traylon Burks, like the highlights from the Arkansas game. Oh, my God. That is not fair, dude. Nobody pushes off like him. Nobody.

Like, you got to respect it, right? like as a former db it's a solid push off yeah like i'm not i'm not saying it as a negative i'm saying that like he is so big and strong and huge that when he gives you like a little what looks like a little elbow in your back you're gone and now he has space when he stacks you and he gives you just that little bit of that little hand to your shoulder pad you stop and now he's got a yard of space like he is he's really good at it is yeah he's I think he's amazing. Sorry, I heard somebody's truck backing up.

Yeah, it's your mother-in-law, and she's backing up into your car. She drives a Prius. Yeah, so she's going to total it. Prius? Going to absolutely screw up your car. Can I share a stat from the state of Arkansas? I was playing around on CFB stats. I was hoping this was about agriculture or something, but go ahead.

Yeah, let's go. The chicken man. He did say, he did say stat from. the state of Arkansas. It is about yards. Okay. So in terms of, I'm still scrolling, but in terms of yards per play allowed, it appears that Butch Jones's Arkansas state

is on pace to give up more yards per play than any team in CFB Stats' entire database ever. They are allowing 8.94 yards per play. Damn near a first down every time anything happens. Is that bad? That's pretty bad. And yeah, they haven't played the most ferocious schedule. They got to play Washington at one point, so.

Other than their opening game against Central Arkansas, every opponent has reached at least 540 yards, and three have eclipsed 660. Coastal with a slick 10.9 yards per play against Arkansas. Jesus. It's rough. I mean, at least, yeah. Coastal's good.

Coastal is good. Yeah. But, man. But Tulsa's not. The evidence speaks to the contrary here. They must be amazing. It's just, it's one of, it's, they, watching them play, like, they just, it's just one of the, it reminds me a lot of, like, East Carolina a couple years ago where you just kind of cross your fingers and just hope that, like, they'll drop it or. they'll score quick because on third down you're going to be in trouble because that's the other thing for them is like they're third downs like they're it's not good it's not good

they're technically at 39 but it's because teams aren't playing third downs like 78 total third downs 30 conversions but like okay the reality is over the course of what is that six games are we talking about six games? Yep. Yeah. That's not a lot of third downs and that's also not a good, like, teams are like, don't worry, we don't have to convert on third down. We'll just get it another time. Because we get to keep playing, get to keep

facing the same defense. We also, in about a month, in four weeks, yeah, we're going to, at least as of now, get to watch a new or a different version of the Sickos game of the week. Arkansas State goes to play ULM, who

despite winning, is still the worst in FBS in yards per play on offense at 3.95. So I'm very excited to see, like, what does the defense that can only give up 600 yards do against the offense that can't get 300? Where does that all net out? Does anything happen or not? Does nature abhor this vacuum and fill it with some mystical third team out of nowhere? It's University of Central Arkansas. That's who.

They just show up. Hey, you ought to fight? Woo! Go! We heard there it's game! Let's go! And we're still on that pandemic scheduling. We'll show up to anybody. I heard the All blacks are in town this week.

Let's go! All blacks actually do. It appears the country's most average team is currently Stanford, so I think that's who shows. God, that tracks perfectly. God. Nothing about a Stanford game. Like, David Shaw is the least interested person in entertaining in the world.

Like, I'm pretty sure if you went to David Shaw's house for dinner, he'd be like, we have crackers and we have iceberg lettuce, not a salad, just the lettuce. And we have room temperature water. And that's it. Just a handful of lettuce you can take a bite out of us. I read a story once about Nick Nolte

and he had some people over for dinner. He's like, yeah, why'd you guys come over for dinner? And these people being normal and not knowing Nick Nolte said, oh sure, I'm sure Nick's going to have a full spread for us. So they show up, and Nick Nolte is barefoot and shirtless wearing a pair of, like, tattered khakis and hasn't shaved and, like, you know, ever. And he's like, oh, come on in. And he's like, so what are you going to, like, what's for dinner? And he goes, oh, dinner.

And he goes out to his backyard and he has these, like, tomatoes growing back there. And he starts just pulling them off the vine. And he goes, here you go. Eat it like an apple. And then he left. then he left his house yeah yeah then he just ticks off best dinner party ever like i bet david shaw just opens a bag of hot dogs and just hands it to you just like here you go here's one here's one meat dog for you pass it around please that would be that's sanford football i don't know why they

i don't know why they're a cold hot dog eaten by itself without a bun or condiments they used to be a certain kind of cool. Like, even post-harbought, they used to be the like big burly, run-blocking gods, intellectual cruelty-dealing dudes. And now they're just a waste of time

viewing-wise. It sucks so bad because they used to be cool. But whiting time was there, that was the point all along. I agree with, I agree with Felder. Like, Tanner McKee is, is good and could be fun to watch.

much, but they don't give them that much to do. No. I like Tanner. Throw a fade. Why don't you go throw a fade? Why don't you throw another fade? I like fades too. You know what?

Really? I'm realizing I'm just the guy that likes to eat lettuce and I eat lettuce. I've seen you cook. That's not true. Do you know what wing night looks like at David Shaw's house? It's just the wings. That's it. I just I like I like fades like yes Jason I like I like that fade I like it it's terrifying it's the it's one of the scariest plays in football it's terrifying like as someone on the receiving in you're like oh no there's nothing I can do about this so you're thinking from

like DB mindset that is the play you at least like called I see I see yeah from a DB is that the one that you don't want to see above all other routes you don't want to see the fade right yeah no I don't especially in the red zone for a touchdown i don't like that's you're asking me do i would i like to get mossed or would i like to have someone just like make me like like for all the intensive part i would love to be out of the frame when you score your right there's no there's no cool photo of oh you bit on this double move and i'm by myself over here like you're not in that cool photo nope not in it not in it at all but the one where you take the football off my face mask.

So Stanford as an offense exists just specifically to humiliate like one guy per game, that's it. That's all they're accomplishing. Yeah. And whether it's Higgins or it, what is it, you're a check or whatever the kid's name is that plays tied in, they're just going to throw it to him and be like, hey man, good luck. Okay. Can I tell you how much I love? love the the saying i want to be out of frame when you score the TD that's pointing at the

safety come on yeah make sure you got one of these going what do you yeah what do you know what do you yeah there's no honor being the guy who's dunked on in the poster nobody's like you know what you really you really got into position and you contest it nobody gives a shit about that it's just like oh you got yammed on yeah exactly this is this getting moss this football's version of being posterized and who wants to be underneath Janus when he's got his nuts on your head and you're like oh no no no no and also when it's like it may be even worse than basketball is like if they've called four fades in a row maybe you stop three of them no one cares the fourth one counted all it takes is one yeah no they're the assassin

the assassin you know the bodyguard has to be right every time the assassin just has That's to be right once. And that's why, that's why when they throw the fade, you just commit blatant P.I. Because that's not getting photographed either. No. No, I'm committed. At least I don't, they don't show up on Getty when I look through it. No, that's right.

That's true. I'm committing the kind of PI where I punch you in the nuts on camera. Right? They're like, personal foul, ejected from game. And I'm like, wasn't six. Wasn't six? Not the photo anymore now, am I if I'm out. Do you think?

I'm all for that. Do you think there's some kind of cult out in Utah made a school? exclusively up of the Hornichick family where they're like, you want to be under there. You want to be that guy getting dunked on. You're the man in the ring. Get your skull in those nuts. Yeah.

Plants your feet. Plant your feet and butt him right in the nuts. I think you're describing just like most Utah jazz fans over the course of the franchise's history. Yeah. That's like, that's like, what is it? Greg Paulus, who tried to draw a charge on Danny Green,

and he's just like, sorry, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a good plan Hashtag deal with it I'll put my sunglasses on You know Dealing is a dealing and deals

Those are both I'm reminded I'm reminded of people that That will help you get those kind of deals in life People that will set you up for financial success He's going to get there He's working towards it Let him like a truffle pig

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receive not six points, but something far more valuable, which is $5, that you can then convert into many more dollars enough to retire forever and never be photographed ever again, which is the goal in life to completely disappear from memory and everything else. Inacorns.com slash fullcast can make that happen on the app that whenever you buy stuff, some of it goes in your secret pile, and then the investments happen. And then you can retire at age 83 or sooner or later. Yeah, we're going to... Oh, or later.

That's a new twist. I like that. You never know. You can get the family plan, which I will update you on the progress. I have two little accounts where I've been putting away a little bit of cash for the youngsters for my sons. And this week's balance update, we're looking at, oh, let's see, a $52 differential between the boys. So I believe that my child, the embezzler, the younger child, has probably continued to diversify the portfolio. Probably, I'm thinking crypto at this point.

do you know what crypto is no okay but they're definitely i don't i don't want to get into it and i don't want to talk about it i just wanted to confirm that you don't know what crypto is you know that the answer yes is a way worse answer so i'm not going to give it if i'm like i want to be clear what cryptocurrency i want to be clear no matter what you said i believe the answer was no it was it was it was going to go wrong yes it was going to be absolutely wrong especially Especially because if you say cryptocurrency, you've either entered the realm of somebody who is so smart they might be conning you or the overly credulous and enthusiastic person who's like, yeah, I'm in on the next hustle. Crypto, I'm there.

Eat nothing but liver for three weeks to improve my testosterone, I'm there. Sleeping in the vacuum chamber with like quadrupled oxygen, I'm there. Like that's the kind of person who's into crypto. And I'm like 3% that person, so I'm not going to admit to knowing it. as chicago's sexy season approaches it's time to look your sexiest out there and that's right that means homefield apparel dot com the sexiest collegiate sweatshirts sweatpants pants hoodies kurenecks t-shirts which you would wear under the sweatshirt at this point um yeah they've just added georgia tech and boston college am i forgetting anybody

that they've recently U.S.F, I think we mentioned them, though. I mentioned them last time. Yeah, they've got stickers now. That's not really going to up your sexy apparel game, but that's fine. You could wear them as pasties

underneath your t-shirt. That's true. Legally, you can't do that. No one can stop you. No one can stop you. And you can use offer code fullcast to get 20% off your first order. The nice thing about Homefield is that

they're always kind of surprising us. Like, big new Saturday happened, and I was sort of like, all right, that's it. And then they added three more schools. And then they added stickers. And now they're probably, like, I'm not saying they're going to add more full cash shirts at some point, but, like, maybe they're going to add more full cash shirts. And then maybe you use your offer code to buy full cast shirts.

And then maybe you have unlocked the secrets of time and space. Who's the same? And I like that the full cast shirts here are being described as sort of an unpredictable virus kind of thing. like in the computer sense like their website might just suddenly have sprawling code and i'll know the hour oh wow wow for a minute i thought server had dropped like a sound drop that's funny that you said that because i just put on i can't talk because my face is swollen and i want to die but i just popped in to say server can you please in that last segment put that clip of Hartzl saying y'all fucks with that crypto

with like an air horn because it's my favorite thing he's ever said yes anyway that's it y'all have a great show I'm dying bye feel better y'all fucks with that crypto are you all up for a little bit of a stupid game yes yes

okay he said stupid so yes yeah so here's so coaching carousel has already started it's been like a month since usc fired their head coach in the last week we've seen two more head coaches uh depart under very different circumstances um but this is this is how this world works it always gets going a little earlier than we think it will it always gets a little bit stupider than we think it will so i'm going to try something different i have picked out nine schools all fbs schools so Some power five, some group of five, mix of conferences. The only thing I will tell you that applies to all of them is that none of these jobs are open right now. Some of them might come open. Some of them I have no reason to think that would necessarily be the case, but who knows? And I'm going, I've picked for each of you, three schools, and I'm going to give you the blind, sort of the blind description of them, where I'm going to tell you how much the job pays, according to the most recent USA Today, database number. I use the full salary and not the COVID-adjusted salary, which, fun fact, for some

coaches, was not adjusted at all. I'm going to tell you a little bit about their recent history. Wait, time out. Time, tie, tight. Yeah. Yeah. So they had like, with COVID adjusted salaries, were those the ones that, like, coaches were like, I'm also going to take the same pay cut that the university employees took? Correct. Correct. Yes. Like, they have listed, like, what they're saying their contract year pandemic reduction looked like. Like, like, link. and riley took a pay cut of about two hundred fourteen thousand dollars jimbo fisher and dan mullen zero dollars i just needed to like get in there and see who was yep yeah so so i'm so i'm giving you i'm giving you the full i'm giving you the the actual

number that they get paid uh i'll tell you i'll tell you one thing about their recent recruiting and i'll tell you something about their future schedule do we get to pick the schools um you No. I have the list of nine. Each of you are going to get three. I'm your agent. I'm coming to you with three job offers and you have to pick one. Yeah. Got it. All right. So, Jason, I'm going to let you go first. Here are your three offers to pick from. And I'll repeat whatever you need. School number one will offer you a salary of $4.25 million a year. Your predecessor only won one bowl game. uh this school has had one top 25 recruiting class out of the last three complete cycles 2018 2019 and 2020 and in the next four years you're out of conference includes home and homes with vanderbilt and ruckers that's offer number one okay offer number two uh pays two point two million dollars over the last three seasons and change the last three seasons and what's been played so far this year this school is five and twenty in conference play in the next three years

you will get home games against Alabama Louisville and BYU and a university official has said that the school is going to build you a new stadium they haven't said win and they haven't like given details but they've said that's going to happen and your last offer pays $2.75 million a year. There are only two coaches in school history that have had a double-digit win season. Here are your season openers for the next three years, Georgia State, UNC, and Old Dominion, and at the start of the 2021 NFL season, your school had more players in the NFL than Auburn, Oregon, or NC State. These are your three offers. Hmm

They all sound appealing And they all sound suspicious This is well crafted So Geography is sticking here For as a thing I'd really like my agent To tell me more about

But unfortunately I haven't unlocked That information Yeah, you have to That's a micro-transaction In this game If you've beenmo me $50, I'll tell you I've only paid for the

Tier 1 agent So the first one I I like the money, obviously. Yeah, sure. I like the low expectations, apparently, that come with only winning one bowl game in however many. Was it a decade or? It's just your predecessor for whatever their tenure has been,

has only won a bowl game once. So maybe they've only been there like a year or something. The non-conference sounds very appealing, but you did not indicate that those are my only non-conference opponents. No, not your only non-conference opponents. Okay. nevertheless I do get to face Vanderbilt and Rutgers while making a lot of money and regardless I feel I can top the accomplishments of my predecessor in terms of raw

bowl wins I don't know maybe they won they won a really good bowl and no other bowls but I'm going to take that one it's a lot of money that's a big factor here that's fair all right I'm going to tell you who you turn down first first the lowest paying job 2.2 million's 5 and 20 in conference play is going to get build a new stadium according the university officials, you turned down the USF job. And I think that was a good decision. That was a great decision. I think I sort of sensed that.

Yeah, like, if you let me guess like five schools to associate that one, the USF would have been on the list and they might have been the one I was trying to avoid. The other school that you did not pick, where with only two coaches who've won double-digit games and all these players in the NFL that offered you $2.75 million, that's South Carolina. Okay. will not be coaching the Gamecocks. Instead, Jason Kirk, you are the new coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies. I'll take it.

Okay, I'll take it. If those are my options, I would have taken them straight up, so I'm pretty happy about this. Not bad. The message boards already love you because you're not Justin Fuente. So you're doing great. That's basically where everyone starts at every new job. So, yes, we're good. All right.

Felder, we're going to have you go next. Okay. Felder, you've got big money jobs because respect, first of all. All right, so here's your first offer. This job pays $4 million a year. This team has two bowl wins in the last 13 seasons. Their last three recruiting classes have averaged a national ranking of like between 14th and 15th. And in the next three years, you will only face one non-conference power five opponent.

if you take this job. Offer two pays $5 million a year. This program has only had one double digit win season in the last seven years, but in none of those years have they gone below 500. Their last two recruiting classes have ranked fifth and sixth in the conference, and in the next three years,

they only have one non-conference road game. And your last offer pays $6.1 million. Over the last three years, the part of this year that we've played, this, this team is 21 and 20. Their last five recruiting classes have each ranked third in the conference. And in the next three years, your only non-conference power five opponents come from the PAC 12. All right. Well, if you check your Venmo, you will see that I paid you $50. He didn't do that. Didn't he do that. Okay. What geographical information can I give you here that would be helpful I'll let I'll let Jason and Spencer decide

what what geography should I get because I did I did send 50 dollars he did send me $50 so I'd like I'd I feel like a nice chill place is high on the concerns list for Felder I mean no no no no I if I'm asking for geography what geography can he give me without giving away the school oh yeah yeah like what What information can you give him? Like, that's... Okay, I... You didn't expect me to VINMO, you $50.

I super didn't. All right, here's what I will tell you. The $5 million and the $6.1 million offers are both south of the Mason-Dixon line. Okay. All of these schools are west, or not west, east of the Rockies. And your other, your first offer, the $4 million is the only one north of the base. Dixon line. I feel like that probably gives you enough. And if there's what, if you have a specific question, you want me to layer on top of that. I'll try to add that. No, no, I don't want to make it,

I don't want to make it easy on myself. I did just, I like playing the game. And I did want to, you, you said, I did say it. You said if you Vindmo me $50, I'll tell you geography. I got on VINMO and I did it. So thank you. Thank you. Okay. So, Felder, I'm just going to say that third one. It's not above the Mason-Dixon line, right? No, it is. it is. No, no, no, it's not above. It's south. It's south of it. The last two are south. All right. The last two are south. The first one is above, but they're all east of the Rockies, but that doesn't make them east of the Mississippi. And as someone who desperately wants to not just move below the Mason-Dixon line, but also back to the actual true southeast.

Mm-hmm. And you know, you got to think about your family. You've really got to consider. consider your family. Yeah. How easy is it going to be for my mom to watch my kid? Do I so Mason Dixon line has a lot of interpretations, but but it seems if we're talking, what's Mason Dixon line do you prescribe to? Well, I would say if we're talking east of the Rockies, right? It seems the most popular interpretation would basically be adding Texas and Oklahoma onto the actual historical line if I have that right? Right, right.

But otherwise it would be basically parallel to Arkansas all the way across. So I guess the question is whether it includes Arizona and New Mexico or not. And listen, my brother is a New Mexican. Born there. Yeah? Spent six years there.

I'll never go back. Here's the other thing. I'm not trying to give this away, but I don't think there's a job Arizona or New Mexico that pays $4 million. That's what I'm saying. I don't think those exist.

New Mexico is a... Oh, man. Buddy, King... Like, New Mexico's whole football program, Michael. King of the... I'm going to go ahead.

You go ahead. King of the nukes. That's what pays four million here. What are you? I'm the desert king of the nukes. Bowed at my throne. My shout out to Holland Air Force Base, baby.

This is, A big U&M booster, Walter White. Yeah. You know what? Perfect. One 10 wins season for that number, the second team, but they could have hired a bunch of dummies. Yeah. Aye.

You know what? I'm not going to take the most money, the 6.1. Okay. That feels like a school that's just like building to fail consistently. the other the first school four million two bowls in third they've won two bowls in 13 years yep hey hey I'm gonna go in the middle let's just go right in the middle okay okay all right here's what you didn't pick here's what you didn't pick the four million dollar offer with the two bowl wins and the average recruiting ranking of 14 15th that's Michigan you turned down

the Michigan job. Wow. I had a feeling you'd be happy with that. The job, the, the, the expensive job that you turned down paid $6.1 million, but is only 21, 20 over the last three and a half years, it's TCU. You will not be taking a TCU job. So, Mike Felder, I am happy to announce that you are the new head coach of the Auburn Football Tigers.

Yeah. Oh, they're going to. Listen, you wanted to be back in the southeast. Oh, you're back in the southeast, buddy. You're back in the southeast, buddy. Would they hire me? Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, Michael Felder? You better for $5 million.

All right, Spencer, you have my most interesting triumvirate. Oh, so I'm going to screw it up big time. Because I love you. No, I think I think yours is just like nothing but interesting choices, let's call. That's what Jigsaw would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's play a game. All right, all right.

Your first option pays $1.9 million a year. Over the last five seasons has made four bowl games. Not going to tell you they did, but they've made four appearances. Their recruiting ranking has improved every year for the last four cycles. But none of those classes are in the top 50. Here is your 2022 non-conference schedule. Okay. SMU, Texas Southern, UNLV, and Memphis.

That's offer number one. Offer number two will pay you $2.95 million. This school has not finished 500 or better in conference play since 2015. In the last four recruiting cycles, they've had two top 50 classes. and here are their road non-conference games for the next three years at Kansas, at Yukon, at Northwestern, twice. And your last offer will pay you $3.6 million. In the last 10 seasons, they have only finished in the top three of their division once. Their last three recruiting classes have all finished within four spots of the others.

So that could mean that they're 9, 10, and 6. it could mean that they're 87, 90, and 86. And in the next three years, you have to play Notre Dame and Auburn on the road. These are your three offers. Which one do you want? So I feel like that last one's a big time, big time. Like, that feels a little more big time. The first one feels like small but niche and somewhere in the state of Texas, I'm guessing, or at least in the Texas Metroplex, which I have to admit intrigues me.

Because I'm like, I don't know. That just feels like a better quality of life. I'm closer to H.E.B. and Waterburger, so like, you know. I love that that's the better quality of life. Listen, if I'm going to move to Texas, you've got to think with your gut first, and by gut, I mean stomach. So the second one is just confusing to me, and it seems like they're set up for big time failure. I'm going to go niche, and I'm going to go with number one. Okay. You have the jobs you turn down.

the confusing one that paid you almost $3 million and will play at Kansas at Yukon and twice at Northwestern Spencer you will not be coaching the Duke Blue Devils Boy, great call. You've turned that man's out. Good call. The richest offer, the one that plays

Notre Dame and Auburn on the road for $3.6 million, you will not be coaching the Cal Golden Bears. Also good call. You've turned that job. Great call. Instead, you are the new coach and you fucking nailed it, buddy. of the North Texas mean green.

Hey, I could do Denton. That's fine. It's near Oklahoma, but that's fine. That's what you're getting. Yeah. Okay. I think you, I don't know how good, like, how good jobs are is sort of an impossible question and answer,

like irrespective of personalities and whatever, but I could see you thriving at North Texas to the extent that that's a thing. You got to come see us. We're out there. We've got a great jazz program. Do you like jazz, young man? Sure. All teenagers do.

All teenagers love the jazz. He's an incredible recruiter. You just got to get him in the room. I feel good about my choice, though. Yeah, I think, like, North Texas is a good fit for me, frankly. So we have North Texas, Auburn. Who did Jason get again? I got Virginia Tech.

Virginia Tech. That's, we're fine. It's fine. This will be fine. You did all, I will say, you did all sort of gravitate towards programs that maybe not North Texas as much. but Jason and Felder you're on the hot seat right away oh yeah right away I mean I'm getting four million dollars

I'm lasting as well I don't think I need any more money than that all you have to do to be more beloved than Justin Fuente is just to be like I'll never take the Baylor job woo like I feel like to stay at Virginia Tech I just need to say like we're gonna play really the lunch pail the hell out of the left. Yeah, we'll bring back all the shit. Bring back all the shit they like, well, I'm going to pander my ass off. We're going to lunch pails and Metallica, man. And then we're going to do, I'm just going to say like, we're going to block a punt every game. Yeah, we don't even, we don't even leave a returner back because that's one more person who could block the punt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to sell out to block every punt. And I'll promise we'll block 10 puns this season instead of per game. That way, that way, that way it can stick all the way through the 12th game that we're going to block 10 Virginia puns. That's right. And then they can fire me. Then they can fire me. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's with my $4 million dollars. I mean, I'm, I, I feel good about it. Like, I'm, I'm going to go down there. Auburn, we're going to cheat a lot.

Mm-hmm. That's the facts. Just roll up. Like, hey. Opening press conference. I'm not kidding. I think that's probably what Auburn Boosters want to hear. Catch me if you can, baby.

We're going full on Leonardo DiCaprio. Let's go. I can't remember that. That character's name, but yes, I'm doing that. Spencer doesn't have a plan other than. go to the grocery store and what a burger but you know what that's the whole you know what we have a family atmosphere here at north tex i i feel like if if coach is constantly being photographed at buckies and whatever that's that's great for recruiting that was like jeff collins entire business model when he got

to georgia tech his be photographed at waffle house a lot and that turned out awesome for him it's going super well that's all we're doing we're just got listen you come out we have a little friday thing we called Grilling with the Eagles. That's where I put on my Eagles' greatest hit CD. And we said, And we got mean green burgers because, you know,

we have a large vegan community, so I fix veggie burgers for everybody. And then, you know what? And then after we lose by 25, we play Take It Easy over the last speaker as everybody leaves. Hey, listen, we play Desperato, win or lose. It's an emotional moment with everybody joining

hands and singing along with the haunting vocals of Don Henley, as he outlined. Don Henley's here. Don Henley does the pregame speech in the locker room. None of the kids know who he is. He doesn't know why he's there, but we paid for him. He, like, raises money for his weird Walden Woods Foundation from teenagers in South Texas. Spencer's on the Mean Green Recruiting TikTok playing jazz and Don Henley. I get the Mel.

Go on, teens. I get the mellow. You guys are making jokes. Yeah, no. You're making jokes. I like the I like the Eagles I'm not going to listen yeah shame to say it no it's it's fine but you're not a

recruit you're gonna get that peaceful easy feeling yeah every time this team is gonna be so chill when they're like two and seven you know and they're not gonna give a shit man you're gonna get a you're gonna get a wild man that likes what's the Joe the Joe Walsh

by himself song that's like my mazorati does 185 oh yeah life you're gonna be good to me we're gonna we're gonna get yeah guess what we're going to a bowl game and life's been good to me so far. You'll be like, but we don't play the heat is on, because we're mad at Glenfront. No, we're so angry at Glenn Frye. But we will 100% play lion eyes when you decommit from us.

Right. You can't hide. This one goes out. This one goes out to that quarter of... Offense? What's our offensive style? Life and the fast lane. That's what we do.

When we go tempo? After every first down, after every first down, after every first down we play. I played it off my... I did not. I didn't realize how many eagle songs I knew. Spencer, you can also call on the alumni down. Homecoming, you can also have Stone Cold Steve Austin show up. But he only sings Eagles songs.

But his intro is the jazz cover of his flash break and then jazz version. Jazz cover of Witchie Woman. Yeah. And by the way, when you commit, he stuns you. If you commit to University of North Texas, Stone Cold Steve Austin will personally stun you. Will this actually be Stone Cold Stea of Boston? No, it's going to be a fat ball guy named Marty who works at the Buckees.

And you just show your defense coordinator. I don't think he stuns you. I think he stuns the rest of the college football world. Wow. That's it. I don't think there has ever been a segment on this show that better encapsulates that this is for nobody. Are you kidding me?

If you could get a, you get a, you get a lame, you get, you get Julia, Louis Dreyfus on campus singing witchy woman That's it's magic Who wouldn't go to school there? That's how we get that SEC invite And also let's let's get in

She's saying witchy woman, right? No, Julia Louis-Dreyfus? I'm trying to find her connection to To North Texas I don't believe she went to North Texas either She was very wealthy She 100% didn't go to North Texas That's not the important thing

No, she went to on Northwestern, I believe. I'm trying to find... Her kid played basketball at Northwestern, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She did some fundraiser for Texas Democrats, so we can say it's canon that at that point, Spencer, Spencer, uh, interested with that. She did sing witchy woman, right?

If you say, I... Remember her, she dated a guy on Seinfeld that... When she was on Seinfeld, and there was a Seinfeld episode, she dated a guy who he was like, please stop singing this song. It's my song. desperado and she was like well we could have our own song together and it was witchy woman oh right

that's right i see you do the thing i see you do the thing with sinfeld i did which is i assumed that everything those characters did was actually them right so i'm like ah yes jason alexander actually kept having sex with the maid in his office and when caught said was that wrong that was jason i didn't know that was wrong did you know that don henley went to north texas yeah no i did i did i did Yeah. You knew that? Yeah. I did not.

He was no, he was in the jazz program there. I thought we just stumbled upon that. No. I did not know that. This is like meatloaf went to North Texas. Oh, wow. Oh, all of those like skinny, all of those like, all of those like. You said skinny?

You called meatloaf skinny? No. No, no, no. It's, um, I can't remember the name, but it's like the new jazz movement, like with that the band that plays behind a little halfway. Oh, the skinny ties. Yeah. Roy Orbison went to North Texas?

Yes, he did. I knew Roy Orbison did. What the fuck? North Texas, you got to like, you got to let people. Peter Weller, Robocop went to Texas. I am saying. Yes, I understand. Spencer's going to be like, you're going to have so many 50-year-old five-star recruits lining up.

Uh-huh. If they haven't used up their eligibility, they still count. That's true. And then, you know what? That's a game day. right there. That's a game day tear-jurker video. I mean, hell, did Bruce Willis go to college? I don't think so. No, no.

I kind of doubt it. You know what Bruce Willis is into. Jazz. Yeah, he's gonna wanna play, but if you're cool at that. Yeah, that's fine. We need to bring him in. Honestly, we need a kicker. A little short on those. No, Thomas Hayden Church is gonna be your kicker, who also went to North Texas.

See? Unbelievable. Fuck. What are we going on the state in church? Yeah. Anne Rice, Anne Rice, Queen of Vampires went to North Texas.

Wow. You got a squad here. It's a squad for moms and dads, but it's a squad. No, no, no. We are getting every weird goth kids. Is this on the wiki?

Yes. Yes. Every high plains, goth is coming to our school. That's what we're doing. If they like, Nora Jones? You're correcting.

Norah Jones? This is the chillest alumni list possible. What are we going to be doing? We're going to be Denton Helmets and Denton Hearts and Denton. When this team is 1 in 10, their resting heart rate is still just ice cold. 42. 42 and thinking about a lost love. That's what we're doing all the time.

Man, Bill Moyers, you can make this work. I'm telling you. I think you got the best job, man. And there's no pressure. None. None. What if I go? Phyllis George?

That, damn. yeah what what else what else do you need for me to pitch you on this and it's just this hey you ever been in an ice storm see you're killing it you're already killing it dr phil oh fuck yeah do you ever want to skate like skate to class you could do that four times in a car in a car as a semi full of cattle Like, streaked by your dorm room. Come to Denton. Are you kidding me?

I also love the expectations here. Like, Seth LaTrell has won nine games in the last three years so far. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, life's tough without Mason, fine. Yeah. Like, obviously, that's about to run out for him. But, like, Todd Dodge, about a decade or so ago, won six games in four years. Yeah, you can hide for a long time.

You got a leash. As long as Thomas, as Thomas Hayden Church likes you. As long as you keep Mega booster Nora Jones. As long as you keep Ms. Anne Rice happy. Mom's mom is happy. Can you imagine?

Why is their Halloween game not the biggest thing going? You get Anne Rice. I'm talking about helmets with like blood coming on the face mask. You get Anne Rice and meatloaf and just let them go fucking ham? Come on.

We got a bat out of hell. What's right? A vampire bat out of hell! I want Halloween uniforms that have ruffles on them in honor of those two figures. Just big old pirate ruffles. Just ruffles like right here at the shoulder pad? Big old collars. Plunging jerseys with plunging necklines, we can do it all. Actually, jerseys with vampire capes would be the problem, though, because you'd be like,

we thought it was a great idea, but we got tackled behind the line of scrimmage every play. I think that is, it's all about, it's about courting pass interference. Number cape has declared. eligible. I don't know what to do. Number, waving number that we can't discern. This was a terrible fucking idea. It's just awful.

Why did we do this? Why do we do this? This is bad. We did this for recruiting. I bet that's all the jazz gotts. With Anne Rice is your major booster. I bet you have to show up in full Chippendale's vampire gear once you're at her house.

Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You have to be my... She doesn't invite you. just like kind of sucks on your neck a little bit yeah yeah it's like it's worth it for a million dollars a year it's like a chill orgy you don't have to fuck anybody but your dick does have to be out you too have to do that just just sitting there like eating some crepe with my dick out in a k-law on a recruiting call and they're like hey coach what are you doing you're like yeah I got my shit out at this orgy in the world I'm not doing anything I'm having a crab poem with my

dick out I'm just there don't come in here don't come in here don't come in here Or do, I'm up here. Yeah. All right. It's kind of chubbed up, but don't come in here. I want you to see it at the best. I'm going to wait until they start playing on the Eagles. Go on now.

It's best. We're in Conference USA. You don't need your best. 50% is plenty. Don't worry about what I'm doing. I'm putting my cape on. Okay. Don't worry about it.

Dick's going 500. That's fine at North Texas. This is a high two-star. erection all right yeah I'm telling you it then you get dr. Phil and he's like telling you all the stuff you suck at yeah you're telling you what's wrong with your half dick yeah he's like you're stupid I don't like you your half dick needs to make better choices no it doesn't it's ready for anything It is all purpose, like a Swiss Army knife.

It's running the RPO. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. There's nothing mean about your dick, but it is green, and you should get that looked at. A dick, that half-hearted, it ain't going to be denting anything. Oh, my God. Felder, thank you for adultery. I mean, you got a dent in your half-dick.

Thank you, Felder. That was, that was very fun. We've got your dick right here, and he wants to say something. How'd you do that, Dr. Phil? How did you hide my dick behind a curtain this entire episode? Man, Cerber does a very good Dr. Phil. I just learned it. Very good.

It's way better than his shack. It's way better than his shack. I ride a pretty good shack. That's not the worst shack they ever heard in my entire life. Wow. I would never guess. now let's bring out Shaq Shaq

Shaq Shaq tell us about your half dick errone No it's it's dick taurony Yeah you're half Dickterony

When you buy the dick errone You're supporting scottishos It's in North Texas Please Please Please forget that the previous spokesperson made

Insensitive Racial Comments Please Everyone's forgotten Papa John God. Just so you know, you go ahead and you buy the shakaroni. Excuse me, Dickerone. You buy the, every time you buy a dickerone, you're supporting Spencer Hall in North Texas.

Coach Spence. That's right. It's amazing. Dick-shaped pizzas built this football program. Yep. And Anne Rice. And Anne Rice. Yeah.

It's not blood. It's Mariner. The vampire football team is going to stick with me. Take my word for it. All of the fucking capes. just like the opposing Like I mostly like I will say this

Imagining the coaches in caves Just like constantly like I was going to say but imagine Like a turnover cape Yeah It'd be a turnover coffin Turnover coffin you get to rest I love this team having

Because you're in conference You say you have to You have to play at all ridiculous hours This team at 11 a.m. kicking off local Making a big fucking deal out of it No, the day walkers! The whole team walks out and they like melt in the sun.

They just hiss all through the coin flip. They're hissing. It's like you're fine. They're fine. You might get a little sunburned, but you're fine. You transfer- No, I'm not. You transferred here from Arizona.

You've only been in this line. What do you mean? You are from San Antonio, sir.