Shutdown Fullcast - HOLIDAY SEASON HOT TAKES 2018

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

Not quite time for bowl previews yet (don't worry, those suckers are looming) so we took an episode to just review your BOLD BRASH HOLIDAY OPINIONS. Topics include: 3:54 - Which Fullcast hosts hate Christmas/Holly yells at those people 7:10 - Some discussion of Army-Navy because this is the only college football podcast after all 8:51 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 1: Drugs and sex are the best part of the season 11:44 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 2: The lead up to Christmas is better than Christmas itself 13:46 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 3: Egg nog is tasty/Elf is a good movie 17:10 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 4: Santa is a deadbeat dad to the world 20:50 - Spencer only recently learned the whole deal with how sunglasses work 25:36 - Holly & Jason’s favorite Christmas movie 28:06 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 5: Elf on the Shelf is a Cop 30:46 - Tree Talk! (not Stanford related) 32:35- HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 6: Hanukkah is better 35:49 - Garrett bought you a new car and ruined Christmas 39:16 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 7: Don’t take turns opening presents, just go feral 44:26 - HOLIDAY HOT TAKE 8: Cash is the best gift you can receive Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's segment is sponsored by the Dell XPS 13 laptop with an 8th-gen Intel Core I-7 processor. Experience Dell Cinema's incredible color, sound, and streaming on the Dell XPS 13. It's the laptop for people who watch things on their laptop. Learn more at Dell.com slash XPS13, sponsored by Dell and Intel. Welcome to the shutdown full time. I'm Spencer Hall and you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast

Holiday podcast The only holiday podcast You're actually your name is Spencer Holiday It is I'm Spencer I'm Paul Holliday's younger brother And unlike him I'm very impressed with your Cremont Gleys

You'd be the biggest dick of a reality show host Like a reality competition show host Ryan That's the only fun way to be what's like the archetypes are totally effusive even to the people who are bad dick and technician right those are the those are the three major categories and i don't want to be i i can't be the overly enthusiastic one i'm not skilled enough to be the technician so yeah i'm gonna be the dick you missed another essential archetype though that mary barry from the great british

Bankoff fell into, which is disappointed before you ever walk up. Can I be honest? I haven't watched Great British Bakeoff. What? How? It's just, it's too, it's, the internet talks about it too much. I feel the same way about Gritty. Like, I just, there's a lot of fucking TV, man.

I'm out on Gritty because the internet won't shut the fuck up about, we get it. He's a mascot who looks like a Muppet having an aneurism on the toilet. Like, cool. Can we talk about something else? No, we're going to talk about Mary Barry being the disappointed boss. I'm right, nanny. Fuck your self-care. What if for a reality show archetype, what if they put, what if Steve Harvey was the host of Survivor?

Is he shirtless? Yes. Is he airbrushed by Spencer? He shows up, he shows up, he shows up in his 18-piece suit. Yeah. And then nine minutes into the show. dripping shirtless the mustache uh some he doesn't ever grow a beard the mustache just gets more and more fruitful well the mustache is like the mustache is like one of those little uh foam pills you put in

the bathtub and it's an hour later the humidity is turning into a stegosaurus cool yeah it's just blooming and uh instead like when they're doing their little challenges he just roasts them by, like, looking at the camera. Yeah, the first time anybody says anything remotely sexual, he just walks off camera, right? Can't believe you said that on this show where I repeatedly set up people to say lascivious things. It's like the nighttime footage of, like, uh-oh, two competitors are bunking up. Steve Harvey just walks up, looks at the camera, walks off. In that moment, he is wearing the suit, though.

I can't believe y'all. To distinguish him from... Wait, hold on. Is that your Steve Harvey impersonation? That's all I got. No, no. Cassio, you will do Cassio Dog for the rest of the episode or nothing. Man, I'm going to do terrible Steve Harvey the rest of the episode.

Hi, welcome to our special holiday episode, the one where we're supposed to talk about cheer and warmth. Happy Harvey Days. Stupid sponsor. Which one of us actually... Which one of us actually genuinely dislikes the holiday season? Which holiday? Christmas. We'll just go, Chris.

Like, which one of you actually dislikes, like, Christmas? No, of you because you all have children. Christmas itself? Or Christmas as a month? Um, you know, I, I dislike the whole month and the holiday, so. Stop. You do not. You have sons.

I think the holiday is good. I think a lot of the processes, I'm a little tired of. None of what you're required to participate again. Y'all calm down. So, I'm not here. No, I'm not here for anybody's performative scroogeing. No. It's not preferative.

It's not even like Scrooge liked it because he got to kind of get all head up about it. It just makes me sad. It just makes me sad and inconvenienced. Fathers and sons. It's like, I like Christmas Day a lot and I could probably fuck with it if it was like a two or maybe three-day experience. But as a month, man, it's like, I don't. I don't, I don't know what, I don't know what is the Christmas fatigue and what is the seasonal

effective winter sads, but boy, do they run together and sure feel like they are the one and the same. If you hate Christmas, that's on you and you're doing it wrong. You can intake as much Christmas or as little Christmas as you want. It's an emotional. No, that's not true because Christmas, it's not that I hate Christmas, it's that it does create some anxiety for me. And 90% of that anxiety is, I don't know what I want.

for Christmas. And maybe the answer is nothing. So ask for a charitable donation. Get over it next. He doesn't like any charities. Yeah. I don't... He's John Galt. He doesn't think anyone deserves money that they haven't

personally labored for. Speaking of letdowns. No, y'all are just being the lib-dad version of those people who get mad about the Starbucks cups. No, my only real Christmas complaint is that I don't know what I want, and people always ask. And that's not a real complaint. That's not a real problem.

I love the warmth, Holly. It's bringing to this. Christmas is great, you stupid assholes. Shut your dumb mouths. Man, you don't go to Luby's cafeteria and then be like, oh, there's so much jello on my tray. No. That's not how many one experiences Christmas. In this metaphor, in this metaphor, you can't, you are.

Trapped at Luby's cafeteria. You're trapped at Luby's for a month, man. You've got to bunk up. If it honestly made that much of a difference to you, you would go to your wives and children and say this year, we're doing shit differently. And you would go work in a soup kitchen all month or something. It doesn't matter enough to you to actually do that.

All you want to do is yell. No, exactly. Nothing. And say anything is going to happen. Whatever she says is what's going to happen. Holly, you're exactly right. Nothing matters. And all we want to do is yell.

And that's the exact reason why we do this podcast. All y'all better give up and just die, is all I'm saying. I'm trying. I'm trying. That's all we're saying. Yeah. We are all on the same page here. Some of us are just going down that hill a little bit faster.

It's a good thing y'all hate Christmas so much. I'm so glad we solicited a bunch of other people's holiday opinions. Yes. Yes. Good, so we don't have to hear ours. They're great. Yeah, y'all really hate Christmas. Because the full cast schedule of games to me says we have Army Navy.

We got any thoughts on that? Army. Go Army beat Navy. Navy. Navy is bad. Army is good. Therefore, Army will beat Navy by four points. Exactly, four points. The time of possession. It will be 20 to 16. Both teams will have the ball for 45 minutes. I'm just glad this game shook. This game was actually pretty sad for a while when it was just like, well, Army hoping to break a 17-year streak. Let's see what ill-fated plan they can use to totally fuck it up at the end. this, and Navy wins again.

Yes, Army accidentally ate the football. That is a penalty. The game is over. It was like watching, it was like if Georgia had to play Alabama every single year. Jesus. Wow, that's terrible. Also, to be clear, I like Christmas Day.

Christmas Day is good. Are we allowed to complain about Christmas at all, Holly? I just don't know what the rules are. You stick to it. You stick to it. I'm going to stand by this. It sucks. It's one big emotional LaGuardia.

I can't get out. Emotional LaGuardia. No, you don't hate it enough to try to get out. Whole thing smells like any ants. No, you're just wallowing. You don't actually hate it. You're just wallowing. Wait, let's, let's, let's, let's, all right.

What should Spencer do? Take some form of concrete action that would make this time of year happier for him. Burned out of Christmas tree lot. I've been taking more pills. And, uh, I've been drinking whenever I want. Great. And, you know, that's helping a little.

I have to admit. All right. I'm going to start with this. I'm going to start with this hot take about holidays from David at Euler Macaroni on Twitter. Oh, good. Now we're going to talk about it for an hour. It's the easiest time of year to find and do hard drugs and or sleep with strangers. This is the only redeeming part of this time of year.

So he turned it into the debauling. watched side of a wedding for single people. I don't know. This is a strong move. This is the bad Santa approach to the holidays. I'm sorry that I'm not prepared to sit here and listen to y'all with your three beautiful wives and lovely children complain about how much you hate this shit. My kid doesn't know what Christmas is, so I'm not that worried about it. My kid this morning woke up and said happy Thanksgiving, so. Wait, your kid doesn't even know what Christmas is, then you don't have to do Christmas. What is your problem?

No, I'm talking about that. I still have other family. I don't live in a bunker under the ocean. What are you talking? Collie, I'm so confused why, like, why, why is Christmas in your mind this thing where I can just say, like. Everybody wants to complain about this, like they're in some kind of Starbucks cup-induced gulag.

You're suggesting the Christmas season is like going to a restaurant by yourself where you can custom order a hamburger. And if I don't like lettuce, don't get lettuce on the burger, you big dumb baby. What I am saying is that Christmas... I'm also suggesting that if you do end up with lettuce on your burger, it's not a big fucking deal. That's fair. That's, yes, totally right. But what I am saying is that Christmas is like going to a family-style Bucca DeBepo garbage

restaurant where, yeah, we're all eating lasagna until we can't see straight because we eat lasagna on Christmas. Why? I don't know. Because somebody decided that was the rule. And it's family style, so if you don't like it... I'm sorry, your family's bad at Christmas. Do something about it if you don't like it so much.

All right, well, goodbye, my family. So I don't think we're gathered here today to bitch about Christmas. Sorry, y'all aren't self-actualized. Fix it. We are helpless losers. That is established. You could just say, dad. That's it. And I have taken, like, I'm going to continue.

One way I'm taking, like, Ownership of my holidays here is that I'm going to read my favorite hot take thus far. Unless you think we haven't paid respect to, it's easy to get laid and find hard drugs. No, I just, I got to be honest, that's not my personal Christmas experience, but props to you. I like that because that's the person who saw the, uh, the alternate reality of it's a wonderful life and was like, hell yeah they got booze I have one here

that I think provides some context okay it's from our very own Alex Kirchner who says I will read it once in English

and once in Yenzer okay in English December 20 through 23rd or far more festive and exciting days than December 24th or 25th

I will now read this for our Yinser listeners December 20 to 23rd, a far more festive and exciting days than December 24th or 25th. It turned into Swedish, chef, pretty quick.

It goes Swedish so fast. So, I agree, but I think this is also a matter of perspective because if you have kids or don't have kids, once you cross that Rubicon, the 24th and 25th are great because that's when things go on autopilot. You get to give your kids

toys. They leave everyone alone and they just sort through garbage for two days, basically. They just live in piles of garbage dotted with toys. And you get to sit there and drink starting at like 10 a.m. And just kind of vibe and sit in your pajamas all day, right? And you don't have to do too much cooking or clean because that's what the 20 through 23rd are, which are a very stressful sort of mount-up days, right? Not for you, son.

I participate. Have you seen how my house runs? Yeah. Yeah, I have. I sure have, buddy. I always enjoy Holly being on the show. This is the best performance she's had so easily. It's dominant.

It's the Aaron Donald of emotional abuse. Sorry, y'all don't have no problems. Can't be me. So I think, yeah, those days are far more stressful and, like, far more filled with the sort of, like, emotionally awkward and, like, overly, like, stressing out over things that don't matter. You know when Rocket Raccoon is like, boo-hoo, my wife and. child are dead but your life and children are alive is what I'm saying

you're saying that's a misfortune oh Christ Jesus Can I offer a take that I think sort of bridges some Bridges some common ground here Can you offer some healing to this? I'm going to try and try and try and bring us to an accord

this is from Tim Hodgson on Twitter and it's sort of a follow up you have to take it within the context of other hot takes that were sent to us. The take is as follows. Eggnog rules.

Now, the reason I selected this tape for reading on the air tonight is that many people don't like eggnog and specifically vocalize that. Eggnog really upsets people. And I find that if you drink eggnog, say, what, twice a year? It's pretty good. Maybe you have a dessert nog. You have a booze gnaug.

That's it. Now you're good. You don't have to drink it more than that. But I thought this was in line with a lot of people also really, really, really hate the movie elf. To the point where when someone said, who was it, Gus Weddekamp on Twitter, there have been so many elf as actually bad takes that I feel like my opinion of elf being a very good Christmas movie is now a hot take. If you're a person who is fine with eggnog, elf, elf. Fruitcake. We had some fruitcake defenders log on. I think you are the person actually with the bold opinion now.

And respect to that, I'll drink some eggnog and watch Elf. That sounds fine. I would like to offer some help to people who, if you don't like Elf, Elf is a fine movie. I don't really, I can't find the energy to get too worked up about it on either direction. But if you're like, I wish this movie were better, watch it as it is. and imagine that James Kahn is like barely able to stand up drunk throughout the entirety of the movie. Way different, way better. Possibly true.

Oh, any movie with James Kahn in it is made better by the assumption that James Kahn thinks the entire thing is real and is very offended or inconvenience that he's a part of any of it, right? Yes. That's what James Kahn is for. son is an adult man this is this is nonsense what kind of garbage i'm james con

i'm james god i don't have to deal with this crap i'm gonna pull a knife on you and then off screen scott con's like but i'm an adult man dad and also uh elf is is clearly part of the expanded converse so like it's the same it's the same character as the godfather and all that yeah that's right and thief

thief is a great christmas movie it might not take place at christmas but it is a good movie Like James Kahn was really shot that many times for the Godfather, and that's why he's so grumpy. We also decided, I think, as a group that we're not going to talk about whether X is a Christmas movie or not, right? No, we're just going to discuss our favorite ones and assume on faith that it's a Christmas movie, because you said it was. Stargate is a Christmas movie. Boom. Yeah.

That sounds fine. Think about it. Hey, how'd they find the baby Jesus via a Stargate? Yeah, Santa. How does Santa get, how does Santa get everywhere on the planet in one night? Stargate. Yeah. I do have one negative thing to say about Santa. I thought you were going to say one negative thing about Stargate.

No, I'm not crazy. How dare you about Jesus? No, I wouldn't do that either. Is Santa a bad person? Maybe. Okay, because hear me out. Santa has, Santa has, Santa has unlimited resources. He's making all these toys. He's obviously not

like, you know, crowdfunding or whatever to keep the operation going. He's not no revenue is coming into Santa. He has incredible powers, able to visit every child in the world in one night. He's possibly immortal, or at least living for extended period of time. And with his power,

all Santa does is bring toys to good children. That means that on Christmas Eve, Santa is going around the world, seeing children everywhere, where they live, the conditions in which they live, maybe homeless, maybe they need medicine, maybe they need food, maybe they need better local government to provide their basic needs. And he just gives them toys. like is santa like not addressing the problem and just sort of using his wasting his power on bullshit also how does santa like does santa like reinforce this this false binary of good and bad children aren't all children a blend i mean except like truly evil children they're just straight of evil but i think Like you would Santa to lead a coup and I'm all about this?

I either want Santa to lead a coup or become some sort of like hyperpowered doctors without borders. Or both. So you're going to hyperpower. Doctors without borders with missiles. Yeah. Hey, if you show up, if you show up once a year and you bring me a present in the middle of the night and then you leave, you're a deadbeat dad. So Santa's just like everybody's deadbeat dad. Right? Just sneak it. Don't tell your mom I'm here.

Hey, it's cool. I just eat cookies for meals. I'm a real dirt bag. That's fine. And you're like trucks, right? Bad Santa's. Oh, I brought you a truck. Dad Santa. I'll be back, you know, next year. I kind of go smoke. What happens when I stop believing in you? Oh, then I'm definitely not coming. Then I'm free.

I've just delved all into your biopic territory the past couple of weeks. Dad, where are you going? I'm going to north, the very top of earth. Yeah, you can't follow me because I got a slave filled with dogs that could fly. Also, my real life lives up there. You're my second family. Wait, wait, back up. We need to discuss what Spencer thinks reindeer are.

That's what Deadby Dad would think. Did be dad's drunk. No, answer the question. He's not going to think a reindeer. Answer the question. What do you think a reindeer is? They're like pigs. They're pigs and they can, that's when they say

when pigs can fly, one night of year. Quit deflecting. What do you think a reindeer is? I know damn well what a reindeer is. Good answer. Not a dog. Good answer. Uh-huh.

Still evasive on the subject. I enjoy that I could just let this fly and there's a small part of of Holly that thinks maybe he actually thinks reindeer or dogs. I don't think she does. Do you remember two years ago when you put on sunglasses for the first time? It wasn't the first time. It's just the first time I really got how they worked. Do you remember how long I had to listen to you, explain to me how weird it was that you had to take off sunglasses when you were going like into a store?

What does that mean you just got how they worked? No, I mean, seriously, scroll back to like our 20. whatever, 16 Instagram DMs, and I started getting ads for sunglasses every hour on the hour because Spencer would be like, do people do this every day? And by every day, he means go through life while having to take your sunglasses on and off multiple times. And he's like, this is so much work. It was. It was crazy. So yeah, that's why, Spencer, there's some part of me that twitches when you say you think a reindeer might be a dog i wonder why i might take you seriously see the real the real issue people have with elf is that it's just it's just kind of okay it's just an innocuous sort of good

movie i've never seen elf and i feel like half the december internet is lost to me do you know it it has a lot of will feral yelling so yeah i'm just i'm not interested i'm good it's fine it's just not i mean it's a fine sit right but see this is what i'm saying about it's no start making christmas your own. I don't let, I don't care to see Elf. You know what I'm going to do? Not watch Elf. Problem solved. Yeah. There. That's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

Best part of Elf is Bob Newhart. That's it. Oh, Bob Newhart's in a librarian series. You could just watch that. See? A friendly narwhal is my favorite part. Oh, he's good too. Yeah. Other than that, though, also it takes place in New York. Movies in New York. Almost all Christmas movies take place in New York.

Yeah. It's like the least jolly city on earth. Isn't your Christmas movie Goodfellas? Yes, because Okay. Yeah. My Christmas movie is Goodfellas. And you say, well, how is Goodfell's a Christmas movie?

I don't really have to. We've already said, I don't have to make that argument. I would point out, there's a lovely Christmas scene that's an important plot point because it's at that scene, at the height of the holiday spirit, when Jimmy Conway decides to kill everyone involved in the Loftanza heist. And what is the holiday truly about? all, of course, living in Houston and not New York when this happens. And looking around and deciding that you're going to kill everyone around you,

keep the money for yourself. Nothing. Can I ask you one good fellow's question? Sure. Do you think Paul Sorvino is a dog? No, because he's sitting next to one. And I can tell the difference between a man and a dog in the same movie frame. This bean can't do much, but it can distinguish between Pauly and the

Do you have, like, face blindness, but for species? That would be great. Is he an animal not next to a dog, then a dog? I would get along with people a lot better if that were the case. Spencer is, like, the IRL equivalent of an adult walking around living through Jason's daughter's animal spreadsheet. That'd be fine. Is Paul Sorvito a reindeer? Listen, he's as beautiful as a reindeer.

Also, it's a good Hanukkah movie because they say the word Hanukkah in it. And Henry gives Karen like a massive wad of money, says, and happy Hanukkah. She should have shot him, but whatever. My daughter's animal spreadsheet, she has since refined her theories. There are now only three things in the entire universe. Go on. There are people, pets, and aliens. Anything on Earth is either a person or a pet.

A rock is a person, for example. Right. A rock, however, if you throw it into space, as soon as it leaves the atmosphere, it's now an alien. So what are astronauts? If it comes back, astronauts, well, once they leave Earth, they are now aliens. Whoa. Yeah, it's simple.

Damn. So she's seen Interstellar. She wrote Interstellar. I don't think she has the time for that. Okay, sorry. It's like seven hours long. I didn't know she's. Also, it's a Christmas movie because there's like weird, weird lights.

And it takes place over an extended period of time in which Christmas occurred so boom christmas movie and also love connects us across the universe and that's how santa finds us it's like its homing beacon that's right as opposed to as opposed to like chips that santa places and all of us at birth i kind of dig it out of my neck i can't let santa find me so the one christmas movie that i didn't see anyone mentioned in any of our takes the christmas movie that i feel is the best Christmas movie is Iron Man 3. That's the only Christmas movie. The only Christmas movie

I got time for. So it's set at Christmas and it's very explicitly set at Christmas. You see trees, you see a reindeer. Iron Man mentions Christmas several times. It's very clearly set. But it goes deeper than this. If I may run through a quick list. It starts with a party with people you don't like. All right. Off to a good start.

It's about PTSD and depression. These are the main themes of the movie. Everyone's pretending to be happy and a better version of themselves than what they are. One guy is pretending to be a robot. He's also pretending to be a guy who doesn't have PTSD. He's also pretending to be a competent romantic partner. His friend is pretending to be the world's greatest security guard. Everyone is trying to perfect their DNA. The main villain is pretending to not be a big ugly nerd. And then there's a guy who's pretending to be Osama bin Laden. At one point, everyone has to go to the middle nowhere in Tennessee where there's no Wi-Fi and

none of your electronics work, and that sucks. That sounds like a holiday trip to me. That's literally set in Chattanooga. It's so relatable. It's like some nowhere town very near Chattanooga. There's a guy who's like ranting about capitalism and America and corporate consumption. And like, you know, the thing like the, somebody does this every December, but he doesn't actually believe a word he's saying. In fact, he's just partying in a mansion.

It all boils down to every mistake is all your fault, specifically. An example is when you give out your address to people who you don't like and they show up and make a mess, knock your mansion off the side of a cliff. Also, Kenneth Paltrow turns into a zombie who kills another zombie because her friend is a robot. And if that doesn't sum up Christmas, I don't know what it was. Also, there's snow. Damn. I'm sold. Yeah.

Hey, I found our G-chat history where you explained why you've never worn sunglasses. Would you like to share it? I sent it to Ryan, but my favorite part is I used to just squint. I did You grew up in Florida That's part of the time Yeah We never legislated this on the podcast

Anyway I'm gonna go blind When I'm 50 Sooner or later We'll figure out what you think A reindeer is Just watch Iron Man 3 There's a reindeer in it

Ryan there are screen caps In your DMs Please enjoy Oh Jesus I'm gonna regret this later This is a hot take Hot holiday take From East Coast PA

On our subreddit elf on the shelf is just an extension of the police state i don't do all right so i will admit that holly is right elf on the shelf is a thing that i don't get and don't want to do so i don't do it but do off on a shelf i find actively menacing that is weird well it's just it's a lot of work for one thing because i believe the premises you put the elf on the shelf but then you have to move it every day to reinforce that yeah the elf is always watching and you cannot hide but to me this simple answer would be day one put elf on shelf day two put elf away and just be like that's how well he's he's got a cloaking device elf is elf is a predator he knows where you are he can see your body he'll go insane yeah as someone

who already has a fear of haunted dolls that probably informs my opinions of this spencer i'm guessing you don't do the elf on the shelf oh no that requires doing something every day yeah so this is an elf Our elf would just sit there. Elves chilling. He goes she likes that. How did Spencer's elf on the shelf get fat? That's not supposed to happen. I ate a steak for breakfast and a steak for dinner.

So we, sometimes I get interested with relocating the elf, such as like if, you know, they're, like, if they go on a trip for the night or whatever and I can't go or something like that, I have to send a photo of the relocated. elf um and it is kind of fun you know you like have it clinging on to the ceiling fan like whoa oh oh you know you can do little stuff like that can you send a photo of it in the garbage look he likes to sleep here yeah you can do that it's where he's most comfortable i think the only rule of it is a a child can't touch it or it'll like lose its magic or something i don't know he's in the garbage because then the police dogs can't find him they can't track his scent the police reindeer The police reindeer

I left him in my van Because God can't see through lead It's the devil's smokescreen Lead Yeah we don't We don't do that In fact we're really I feel very bad for my kids

A lot of the time Because we're very We're really bad At doing anything seasonal Or holidayish and I mean because you have to say this for other people out there who are like yeah my family sucks at the holidays you know oh yeah mine does too because um we put up a tree like a week before and sort of decorate it and uh you know they get good gifts it's just the presentation's lacking man it's deeply deeply lacking in every now how long are we leaving our trees up i have a birthday in the third week of january so i always tend to put my tree up late and then after Christmas I take the ornaments off but leave the lights on

and I try and leave it up to my birthday as a treat to myself just because I like the way it smells. That's smart. I would leave it up as long as I would leave it up as long as I want. My wife, December 26, one minute into, right? Like 12-01, get it down. Get it down. Can we address fake trees versus real trees?

Can we talk about that? I'm agnostic You do Man you do what makes you happy If you want to I always thought like those really Super cool fake trees Like the faker the like

If somebody's like If you're going to do a fake tree Make it like pink or white Get the Liberacee one right If you're going to go fake Go super super super fake It's got to look super flammable Don't be hyper realistic with it

Be gaudy and weird Yeah no that's weird I am in favor of like Either the tree is made of tinsel Or the tree is real Yeah, or the tree still has wildlife in it, right? Fair, okay. I just wanted to, I mean, people had feelings about that, too,

and I thought we should cross that off the list. I'm extremely partial to live trees just because I love the smell. But I, you know, I recognize that people have allergies and children and whatnot. But, yeah, man, if you're going to get a fake tree, have fun with it. Jamie Carson Howard at Glitter Burrito. Hanukkah is the superior holiday I can't say that it's not I don't know

yeah you could tell me anything that you do on Hanukkah I don't know it seems more economical or it may be more efficient is the way to put it because you're just you're getting the A presence it seems from my secondhand experience that

you know none of those are going to be crazy it's going to be kind of mixture of medium to small presents and then you're done um crazy nights hello yeah um i as not one of the chosen my my ignorant opinion would be that the edge honica has over christmas is in food because they have y'all have specific dishes that you like to prepare and most of those are delicious and christmas food for the rest of us is just thanksgiving food again which is fine but you know change it up a little bit me what's the get some light kiss what's the big

what's the big official dish of Christmas our Thanksgiving dinner is indistinguishable from Christmas except we don't do pumpkin anything yeah ham like somebody's like Thanksgiving with ham ham or if you're fancy goose yeah I want to man I want to do a goose at some point goose is good it is good though

but I have had I've had at least two male friends go what they're going to cook a goose that sounds awesome and then this tale of horrors emerges the next day they're also dicks when they're dead they're just as much brousal birds they're like oh my god it had 47 spleens inside and they all ruptured oh my god i know if you cut open a goose it just divides into two meaner bigger geese and you have to kill both of them in combat as soon as you jab the nice thing that sounds amazing I was going to say, I think one thing that Hanukkah has going for is a definite start, middle, and end.

Right. If I was told that Christmas season begins on 25, the 17th, or 18th, whatever it would be, great. Now I know. Now I know when it starts. Yeah, and then you don't really get much Hanukkah creep as a result. Nobody's like, hey, we're having our Hanukkah party on the third. It's like, no, you're not. It's not Hanukkah.

What are you talking about? It's September 17th. Time to start Hanukkah season. Coming from At A. W. Mueller, first place fan says, I shouldn't have to try to figure out what kind of car someone drives before wishing them happy Honda days. Yeah, man.

Oh, true. You know what? I should just be able to say, listen, you may not appreciate the majesty of a type R, but happy Honda days to you. You should just take that. Don't come back with Toyotathon, right? What about the December to remember sales event? Yeah.

Or truck month. Is that really the time? Because really, if you're serious about trucks, every month is truck month. Welcome to December. It's truck month. Every month is truck month. I like to imagine the alternate version of the stereotypical, hey, I got you a car for Christmas commercial where there's just a car, like a brand new car sitting in the driveway Christmas morning.

where your partner gets up in the middle of the night, sees a stranger's car sitting in the driveway, calls the police, and then just like freaks the fuck out. Because why the hell is this, this, you know, giant black truck

sitting in our driveway. We don't own that. And then you have to explain, well, it was a surprise. And they have to say, well, that's not how we make big decisions in this house.

Garrett, you stupid asshole. We talk about them. Fucking Garrett. Also, the dick move of getting someone. A financial liability, right? Like, hey, look, I got you a car.

And I immediately have to turn to you and ask how you financed it. What's the payment? How'd you finance it? You trade it in? I love that car. Do you get my CDs? You didn't get my CDs? Well, no, they're closed on Christmas, Garrett.

So I can't get the CDs. What's the insurance on that? Oh, Jesus. How are we going to make it, Garrett? What's the mileage? Is this couple, are they both named Garrett? Yes. God, what have you done to us?

I would much rather, I would much rather come out on Christmas and you have a giant, mysterious black obelisk that occasionally murmurs in the voice of the old ones with a bow on it. With a red bow on it. Yeah, it's going to have the red bow. What's that in the driveway? I got you an obelisk. It's the unknowable obelisk. Don't touch it or your mind. No, the obelisk month.

Yeah. Kids, come see the obelisk. When the kids get near, their eyes turn a sort of liquidy black, and they begin murmuring strange phrases in Sumerian. It's good. It's fine. Now I can lift squirrels with my mind. Thank you, Lexus. Truly a December to remember.

This is where I just imagine, this is just where I imagine. like Dana Hulgerson walking out and they'd be like, Dana, you got me a new car? And he's like, I don't know where that car came from. Yeah, I did. Why is, what's that? Yeah, that was definitely me. Where are the keys?

If you hear something banging around in the trunk, don't look, it's another Christmas surprise. Why is their blood on the fender? It's part of the Virginia. Blood Rain. That's why we live in West Virginia. I had to go over there for smokes. I think

this is a really good idea from John Maas on Twitter. All these Grinch movie remakes and none do what I want, which is to end before he gives all the crap back. Turn it into a caper slash heist movie where he gets away clean. This sounds great.

Yeah. How the Grinch stole Christmas and didn't give it back. this statement, that's a question, comes from Skah will never die on Reddit. What way does your family open gifts? If you're normal, you all rip them open simultaneously like barbarians, turning the living room into a shredded paper monsoon. If you're a bunch of sociopaths, like my family, mine being, ska will never die, you go, around and open them one at a time in order and everyone has to comment on the gift and how nice it is before you move on. Spencer, how does the Hall family handle opening gifts on Christmas

morn? We've have a debate, nobody's been real happy about it ever. You have a playoff committee for Christmas. We do. It's been, the way we've settled on it is this. And I think prior to having kids it was everybody waited in turn now imagine this I married like my family's like mom and dad are divorced we do like a lot of different things there's no real radio standard way of doing things right you just kind of walk in and go with what you got meanwhile my wife's family they do this thing where they all sit down and you have to open the gift in turn and everyone watches you open that gift like oh jason what did you get i got this just hear the question that Ryan wrote Right. No, he's okay. Yeah. So, so. And then Spencer opens his gift and he's like, I think it's a dog and everyone laughs. And I can't, and I can't, I can't react. Well, and I can't react, right? Right? Like, there's no, like, whatever the gift is, I will, I will miscalibrate the reaction that it was supposed to get, right? God, the more you talk, the more I realized that the people around you probably hate Christmas a lot more than you do. No, this is the thing I am genuinely worst at. Wow, you're not kidding.

It's true. Christmas is a Turing test that Spencer fails every year. That's the problem. Every skill required from Christmas is something I am terrible at. What is an example of misappreciating a gift? Are you like, oh, holy shit? Yeah, we're like, oh, fuck yeah, we're going to blend everything, magic bullet! yeah like personal versatile countertop magician or the vibrator yes yes you know like we thought you think

that was funny and the look on my face because i don't have a poker face is clearly this is not funny and i'm trying my best to hide it but doing such a shitty job because i can't yeah that like that's that's that's real bad now it's just free for all right why don't you just keep your sunglasses on and pretend you're blind I'd be like, I'm too cool to react to this gift so I'm the jazz man Ski-a-p-p-pah-pa-pa-pah That's what I'll just

She's not listening to this podcast Because he's smarter than that But without asking him, I just imagine That this is how Alex Papadinas does Christmas So yeah, that's Now it's just free for all Like God, Dad just brings the high hat down for Christmas And then, oh, just

All morning. Hold on. Let me get out my vibraphone. That would be pretty dope if your dad just put on sunglasses and played the vibraphone the entire time at Christmas and slowly nursed a bottle of bourbon until it was gone. Like that, I think that sounds like a really great dad role. So, yeah, we just attack them now. Now it's just wolves. That does sound like a really great dad.

You know what else sounds like a really great dad? A dad with a full head of hair. But unfortunately, 66% of men lose their hair by age 35. How are you going to be cool jazz dad on Christmas morning? I'm so glad we're back to the good ad reads. Without any hair. I mean, you could wear some doofy hat, but you don't look good in that hat and you know it. Santa.

Santa doesn't look good in that hat. Hats to cover your hairless heads are for babies. Santa. Literally, babies. They come with those hats. But Santa, the all-knowing ever-living, it's too late for him because while he can make toys for children, he cannot return hair to his saintly crown. It can't happen. You can be more powerful than Santa, however, with 4Hems.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for who, Holly?

For men. For a limited time only, you can get a free trial month of hymns for just $5. while supplies last, you go to 4hems.com slash shutdown. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash shutdown to get this trial offer and claim dominion over the Santa Claus. He has no power over you anymore because your hair is better and you're stronger. And you know what a dog is and isn't. Unlike some of us.

We have this, which I don't. this is a gift verdict and it's from at sports treboschet which is cash beats every gift no matter your age i'm just going to name five gifts that i've gotten off the top of my head for christmas at any age that beat cash okay okay because even me somebody who does not like this holiday and is bad at literally every single skill required to enjoy it or put it on even i have five things i can think off the top of my head that were better gifts than cash. You ready? One, G.I. Joe Hovercraft.

Classic. Absolute goddamn classic. The thing floated. Do you know what money is exchanged for? Hey. All right. All right. But if you're a kid, if you're a kid, that's a whole process.

You can't just be like, well, I'm going to go get in my power wheel and drive down to the toys arous. Oh, Spencer's teaching me about emotional processes. How interesting. Two. A Billy Bellow. Bass. A Billy, oh, my God. I thought you were going to say a billion dollars. This went downhill so fast.

We went from cool toy from your childhood to talking fish. When you expect to get a bunch of boring stuff and somebody's like, no, man, we're going to, we're going to go this route. You're going to get a Billy Bass. I only accept this if the Billy Bass channels the spirit force of the obelisk. Then I'm fine with it. Three, whatever my Uncle Ralph got me. at the real fancy gas station in Gatlinburg on the way down. Wait, which obelisk?

Okay. That's, one time he got me, I remember, like, I had a real good appreciation for what he'd give me from a young age, and I got a Wrangler Cologne set, you know, that was probably in the aisle of the really super fancy gas station slash fireworks stand. How old were you? That's the best part. You know, your uncle who has no idea what to give you. I was like, 10.

He's like, 10. He probably wants Cologne. probably thinking about Mary he probably wants to get laid at a bar let's get him some wrangler cologne it's time he smells like a man don't knock the Gatlinburg Giff Dash my favorite present of the last 10 years easy

was from China Knife Bazaar see see it's like a seven inch long knife with rainbow spiders engraved all over it four the only thing I now this is how bad I am at Christmas the only thing I now get from my wife for Christmas are scratch-offs.

And they are... That's great. She's from Florida. It's perfect. It says a lot about your relationship. That's it. I get scratch-offs. I like that because she's giving you cash, but it's useless.

It's cash that disappears in front of you. It's like a trick candle of cash. It's a highly variant value trending to zero. This could have gone a lot of different gift-giving ways, most of which are bad, some of which are lethal. she's giving she's giving you cash with a very short half-life she's an advanced chemist absolutely that's perfect and then and then the other thing you get you get a new pair of comfy pajamas pants every december see things things that are better than cash even for me someone who hates this holiday pajama pants scratchoffs cologne billy bats given to a 10 year old

Right, child's cologne, belly, Jesus, the picture you are painting is, oh my God. I'm telling you, I'm not good at any of this. This is more heartbreaking than Angela's ashes. Congratulations. Bad, bad from the DNA out at this particular holiday. Great at the 4th of July. No wonder you fucking love Goodfellas. It's the best.

Jason, do you have feelings on cash as a Christmas gift? It's fine. Like when I look at it, I'm like, oh, hell, yeah, I got cash. But, I mean, we all know what I'm going to spend it on. I'm going to spend over the next, like, two, three, or four weeks, I'm just going to spend it on fast food that I was probably going to eat anyway. And then I'm like, huh, it's not coming out my bank account. Looks like someone's unlocked the bath of financial independence.

I'm just going to turn it all to Arby's. No, my bank account is holding steady, but my waistline isn't making real progress here. The abundance is real. Thank you, Jesus. Yeah, and every time my mom always gives me cash, and every time she emphasizes, buy something with it. And I'm like, yeah, I'll try that. I'm not, I'm not going to. The Dell XPS13 with an 8th-gen Intel Core I-7 processor is the laptop for people who never say no to one more episode.

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