Shutdown Fullcast - Holy Wednesday At The Dog Cathedral

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Which host is the most Catholic?Host is also a Catholic term, which we never address in the show, sorryYou can probably guess how we got to Texas A&M from thereGender-based leather jacket risk-reward analysisWhy convert to Catholicism when you can just get a Costco membershipIf history is any indication, this is gonna be how some of you find out Lou Holtz diedSpencer makes funeral arrangementsJelly Roll previews the American Gladiators remakeHow to join the French Foreign LegionThe Shutdown Fullcast is on Patreon. This is how we pay our producers, and occasionally ourselves. If you'd like to help with that, give us $4 a month (or a larger, funnier number of your choosing) and we'll give you bonus episodes. As of this recording we have delivered 27 (twenty-seven) bonus episodes since launching in August. We think this is a pretty good deal (for you)Shutdown Fullcast is produced by Michael Ray SurberFullcast theme variant arranged and performed by Matthew FlovskiDID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it’s notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason’s critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz

Jason, we never get to be a resource for you in this in so many of different ways. I can't wait to see where this is going. I know where this is going, and I actually want to start it with a question. Yeah, go ahead. Who is the most? Jason said he in a DM. He said he's the least Catholic host on this show. Who is the most Catholic?

Ironically, it's Spencer. Yeah, because I don't practice, right? Well, that doesn't know. No, that makes you the most Catholic. I also don't practice. That makes me the most Catholic. because I have never practiced. No, no, no.

I am the most Catholic because I did as a child, and then as a teen abandoned it, had a flirtation as an adult with it, and then dropped it in favor of militant atheism. That is one flavor of Catholic. Except you're not a militant atheist. I'm not really, yeah. You're an agnostic.

You're agnostic about your militant atheism. Agnostic doesn't describe how far I want to be. But that also describes most Catholics I know. See, like, here's Spencer and Ryan, who, Ryan, are, y'all don't attend. No. Y'all don't have a church house. No, I haven't, I haven't regularly attended Mass since law school.

And even that was just here. Okay, so you made it, you made it longer than Spencer. Yeah. You guys, I feel like you guys both live out the true principles of the Holy Catholic and apostolic church, as in the parts where, you know, you love your neighbor and take care of the stick and whatnot. So that's a tie there. But just chronologically, I think, I think you make it. I think you have to be in first by just a little bit.

You're edging out Spencer, who was raised Catholic and did not practice as an adult. I was not raised in the church but had one Catholic parent and now have two parents who are both extremely enthusiastic Episcopals, which is like Catholicism without the dumber parts, some of the dumber parts. And then Serber, have you had any Catholic adjacency in your life via your Germans or? anything. Yeah, no, my grandmother was raised Catholic, but she kind of bailed on that when they put the swastikas up in the pulpits. Yeah, that'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of opened her 12-year-old eyes. I mean, you know, really, don't you, don't you mean conservative Catholicism? Not all European Catholic. Let me ask you this question. And then like, but Jason, Jason has no Catholic.

I'm doing this, listen, I'm doing this the way they would want us to do this by blood math. Jason, and you don't have any Catholic progenitors of any sort, right? Baptist and Presbyterians all the way back. He has put no experience. And he's from Scotland. So, okay, yeah, I would go, I would go Ryan Spencer. It's nothing but Warhammer and Diablo as far as Catholicism goes. I was going to come back to that.

I would go Ryan Spencer, significant drop-off, me, significant drop-off Serber Jason. Holly, you know the most Latin, though? I'm an incredible dork. And that makes me... I'm just saying, I think... That would have made Holly the most Catholic 50 years ago. Nope. That's even more Catholic.

Women. Oh, yeah, that's true. Woman. Women aren't allowed to know things, which is therefore the most Catholic thing about. Oh, shit. Women not being allowed to do things. So I know the most Latin. That's, yeah.

This, this is, yeah, I didn't want to dime you out, buddy. Oh, boy. No, unfortunately, he's not joking. I'm not joking. I believe him. He's this and this and this, well, except that that fact annoys me. So does that make me more Catholic? We can go back and forth on this.

But I think Ryan and I share. This is in the same, we're not going to get into this whole thing, by the way, but this is in the same vein of Spencer claiming that he does not speak Russian to Brian Phillips face before turning back and continuing to excitedly converse with the Mongolian plumbers. There are many ways in which Spencer is like a malfunctioning C3PO. He's like, what if the Manchurian candidate lived in a van by the river? You know that hybrid? Vanchirian candidate.

So you know at one point in Empire Strikes Back, Chewbacca and C3PO are essentially a hybrid life form. Yeah, he's got him in the back. C3POs's his backpack. Yeah. That's my brain. That's you. When 3PO's arm is a gun.

Like, I really hate to bring, I hate to put it this way. But if we're in the race, the rating party. I thought you hated this enough to let me get away with claiming to know more Latin than you. And I was really excited there for a minute because that, well, except you never, but you didn't let me get away with claiming this. Does that make you more cats? No, but this is, I had to enforce, I had to be more Catholic by saying that as a woman,

you can't participate. I said that. Right, right. Which makes me. Oh, shit. But Holly, I think even more so, it doesn't count at all because, again, a woman, a woman declaring that her opinion doesn't matter. Even the declaring itself doesn't matter within Roman Catholicism.

Is it itself Catholic? All right. Which of the three of us has the worst singing voice? Go ahead. Belt up. It's not. I hate to say this. Unfortunately,

neither me or Holly. Okay. It's probably me. We're both good. Each of you do a round of that eagle wing song that y'all love so much. That shit is mid, first of all. Of course it's not. I'm not sure I've ever heard Jason or Ryan sing in a non-jerk.

joking fashion. It's not going to happen today. I'm pretty good. Spencer's pretty good. Serber's excellent. Sorry, our fight song was written by Handel. I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh shit. Not that kind of handle, son. Yeah. Sorry.

Our playlist says Bach. Yeah. Great. I'll take Reliant K. If it's Ryan and me doing a doing like a DMX song or something like that, we'll do fine. But DMX Protestant, by the way. My sure add.

Only one of us, by the way, only one of you in particular, has ever put their voice to tape in the name of recording something, like musical. I'm talking about them. I'm talking about them. So I think, Ryan, you would by default be the worst singing voice. Yeah, yeah. I think that's big Catholic points for me. Because I'll tell you what. Super big, yeah.

As a group, Catholics can't sing from shit. Well, yeah. Because all your most famous songs, it's an hour of no singing. Yeah. Like Gregorian Chancing didn't sound that way because they didn't want it to sound different. There is a reason we commercialized Christmas music because Catholics were just, oh my God, just fucking terrible. Oh my God. Yeah.

Also. Call those Sodomites down the street. Meanwhile, we had electric guitars, so. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Again, same for us. Gene, this is another, I guess this is another Catholic point in my favor. Gene's Church makes me viscerally uncomfortable, but not for the same reasons.

it makes you uncomfortable. Yeah. Spencer. That's true. Gene Church makes me uncomfortable because... Could be shorts church. No, it's... Exactly.

No, because I'm like, if I'm going to sit here and y'all going to tell me I'm receiving wisdom of the ages, the floor needs to be rock. This building doesn't need to be air-conditioned. If I'm wearing jeans to church, I'm like, shit, wearing jeans sucks. I could tell you, like, this entire discussion began because... I'm not sure I've ever seen any of you in jeans. I almost always... Jason, do you own jeans?

I own a pair of jeans. You have definitely seen me in jeans. When it's cold, which is like early January, I will read jeans for a week. Shorts all the way other round. Look, I'm not trying to shade. I'm not trying to shade. I guess maybe I should confine that to Spencer and Jason. Like, I see you guys all the time.

I'm not sure. Do you got, Spencer, do you own jeans? Not at the moment. Okay. Wait, why not? Okay, sorry. I have. What happened to your motion?

I have. Are you short? I have a nice pair. You just sold all your jeans? I wore them until they fell to pieces, and I look forward to buying another pair. Do you do an ongoing dispute with Levi Strauss. So what I'm hearing is that you had Daisy Dukes and threw them away? Me and jeans aren't on good terms right now.

I had unedited Daisy Dukes, yes. I bet it wasn't Daisy Dukes. I bet it was balls out jeans. Wait, does that mean the legs were intact, but your balls were making out? He mashed potatoes those jeans. Ininverdant chaps. I had, yeah, I had accidental chaps, yeah. And, you know, nobody wants that.

It wasn't sexy. It wasn't... It wasn't... It wasn't sexy. It would have been one hairy testicle. That's what it would have been. You're thinking, ooh, prince, and it's like, not that at all.

As far as I can tell, all of Spencer's hair is on his face. Like, if you've seen Spencer's legs... If you've seen Spencer's legs, they're quite smooth. So, if I had to bet, I would bet they're not that hairy. Oh. Now I feel... because we're talking about bodies and I'm uncomfortable. Ryan's like a Catholicist.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My dad spent most of his life as a Cumberland Presbyterian, if you know, you know. And maybe he was primed for later joining the Episcopal Church because I was, my parents were so puritanical growing up that we didn't even get the talk. I have talked with your dad, Holly, about religion more than the three of you combined.

Including the podcasts that I. have done with two of you about religion. All right, so why, let's tip our hand a little bit here. Why did Jason ask about who was the most Catholic of the three of us? J.D. Vance is in the news again. He's the vice president, but he's in the news even more than a vice president should be because he has a book coming out about his conversion to Catholicism. Now, whenever any time a problematic Catholic emerges, there is a call back to

that post from like 10 years ago about adult Catholic converts how they're all crazy and bad and obsessed with like ancient Warhammer lore that's not Warhammer instead of like you know the simple good shit I and I it's tough for me to formulate exactly what my question to you um lifelong committed faithful do you want to know why defenders of the faith converts are capital letters like that no no no no no it's more why cradle Catholics reject adult convert Catholic. Yeah. It's like, it's this thing where every group of people has a lot of things in common with every other group of people, right?

Every denomination within a specific religion has a lot of things in common with every other denomination. There are not a lot of things about Roman Catholicism that are unique. It is the largest nomination. It is one of the oldest. Yes, I said one of. That's correct. And like the other thing that is unique about it from my perspective is, is on social media and modern pop culture,

that there is this big, hard distinction between, we were born into this, we had to be part of it, and you, weirdos, chose to be part of it, therefore we disavow you. And that disavowal is unique, because no other group of people gets to do that. All right, can I have, go ahead. I have a front row seat to this. Also, I can't decide if this makes me Catholic or more Catholic. I forgot a huge Catholic point in my favor,

which is that I was part of a Catholic family for like 10 years via my ex-husband. which is probably something I could have thought of a minute ago. But in true full-cast passion, I forgot. The reason I think of it now is because my former mother-in-law was a cradle Catholic, and my former father-in-law, when they got married, went through this adult Catholic conversion. And to hear them tell that story later on, this considered, like she clearly did not, you know, reject this man for becoming adult Catholic convert. But to hear them tell it, this was a.

series of events like him, dad coming home from RCIA and from his adult Catholic Sunday school classes and going, hey, I learned this, this, this, this and this. And mom going, we believe what? Correct. And just being like generally,

genteelly, and these are like lovely social justice oriented Catholics, but this was just a series to hear them tell it of her being horrified by being reminded of the stuff that she At some point in her education had learned that they were supposed to believe and then sloughed off or just never learned at all. So can I use a college football example that I think will help explain why the reaction is what it is?

That may upset some people listening to this show, but yeah, let's get a little football in here. What is the most lore-heavy slash weirdo big college? Texas A&M. Yes, you read my mind. And we know a lot of Texas A&M grads. We like a lot of Texas A&M grads. they listen to this show, they've been on various shows and things that we other do. But the difference there is that they are all people who either grew up really rooting for Texas

A&M or they went there in college, which is basically the equivalent of I was raised Catholic. And so their participation or love for weird ceremony and ritual is not unlike sort of like, yeah, I was raised Catholic and therefore we believe that literally bread and wine turn to into human flesh and blood. Yes, I have been to Europe and seen a lady's skull because it's supposed to be St. Catharines and it's a relic. Like all the weird. Yeah, all the, all the, like all.

We're going to build the biggest, tallest stadium, bigger and taller, and there's going to be a dog church. Sure. And dog is literally a military office. And much like with Catholicism, it's like, does Texas A&M have a big role in history? 100%. Is Texas A&M honest about that role in history? No.

Definitely not. Selective as hell. But they're there and they're important. Retroactively claiming old shit is a thing in common here. Right. Okay. So, but we accept that like, yep, Texas A&M fans are just like that. And they're pretty up front about it. They're like, all this shit is weird. Like, Midnight yell is weird. And the thing with the dog barking and the dog graveyard, God, that's Catholic as hell, the dog graveyard. But they're all very upfront about like, this is weird, but it is ours. It belongs to us, and much like religion, it's a thing that we, like, that binds us as a community.

Now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine that 50-year-old men started coming out of nowhere to say, I have a diehard Texas saying I'm Aggie, and I'm wearing the old white, and I'm getting an Aggie rig, and I'm learning, like, imagine that people started doing, imagine that you saw people who were like, wait a second, I thought you were a Nebraska fan a week. Didn't you go to UCLA? and they're like nope that's it all I know every stupid fucking whoop that you can like that to me is the equivalent and I think if that happened I don't think A&M like died in the wool A&M fans would be like we welcome you into the community of Aggies

they would be like that's fucking weird dude this is some shit you're supposed to get into when you're nine to 20 after that there's supposed to be a store at the mall that you can go to yes where you can buy swords yeah so like a corollary and this is going to be ironic for a reason is the old guy in the LSU band hilarious awesome we love that guy get in here brother old guy in the A&M band yeah yeah the other thing is my life experience is you are kind of born into the group and then you decide whether you are all in or not whereas Catholics is just like I'm what I'm in the group this is my first conscious thought is I'm in this group even as simple as Arkansas hires new coach.

Oh, he's going to call the hogs. That's fun. It doesn't matter how silly he looks doing it. A&M. Hires new coach. Oh, Jesus. What kind of fake cowboy bullshit is he going to get into now? Yeah.

Which Elko mostly skirted. Congratulations. That must be why they're doing so well. Yeah, I think he's just like, I don't need to do all that. He showed up in his weird. He showed up in his weird Winnie the Pooh shirt and they're like, that guy's weird. He belongs here. That and maybe Jimbo was so fucking over the top with the Yeha shit.

that he cast an umbrella forward into the future for the next coach to get away with? I mean, there's also, to bring it out a little even wider, like there's also a universal human impulse win as the longtime member of a club that has 35 rules, but only eight to nine actual observed rules, whatever club that happens to be in, right? There is the universal reaction of somebody who finds this and adopts it with great zeal and then barrels into the room wanting to, talk about all 35 rules and being the expert, there is the universal human reaction of,

oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah. To bring it back to A&M, imagine these 50-year-old A&M adult converts showed up and were like, there's more traditions that we're not embracing and we, like, imagine that they were like, we're getting too soft and they just showed up and we're like, we don't like the direction Texas A&M is going. And everybody who had already been there had been like, the fuck did you guys come from. So this this A&M old guy who shows up out of nowhere is like, listen, kids, you're all, you're all doing your 1940 comedy scheme, but that's too woke. We're going back to 1890.

I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think rev's too soft on the gaze. That's what I think. Well, that's what you get for having a lady dog be a mascot. Hey, to kind of prop this up a little bit, the other thing I think about, I think that ties Texas A&M and Catholician together is that you can get real up close to it, perhaps because it is so vast. You can get real up close to it because it is so big and it's been around for so long without quite

teetering over into the into like the Scrooge McDuck vault of oddities. We have a, Spencer, you have another recent example of this. We have a friend of yours who's been a long time fixture on the show. Usually when

something real weird is happening, medium term listeners, you will remember this is the white man who was racially profiled at the Sonic Drive-in. Taco Bell. Oh, sorry, at the Taco Bell drive-in. He took the volcano sauce out of this back. He pulled up, they got to look at. The only white racial profiling we've ever seen, we've ever known about.

He pulled up and the guy manning the window took one look at him, reached into the bag, pulled the volcano sauce out of the bag and handed it to him. It hurts. It hurts every time. This guy called you a couple weeks ago. Yeah. And I think we may have touched on this, but this person, is going to enter a new marriage and is thinking about converting.

Not thinking about. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. He said it's a done deal. This was announced to you. He said, I'm Catholic now. Okay. Which, you know, to my mind, I'm a supportive friend.

So I was like, why? You also grew up in this, so you know how many hours it takes. So there's like a permit process here? There's a permitting process. Yeah, how many flight hours do you have to log? I also like that your reaction. this is the same as when a media member I will not name here showed up to an event wearing a leather jacket and you were also like, why? Why are you doing this? Also, to be fair, this is a story we have,

I'm getting married is a story we have heard from this particular person before. Sure. Yeah. I don't mind saying the name of that media member if that's fine because I don't think the story reflects well on me and I think you might enjoy that. I just didn't think it was necessary. I lit up like a alpha predator when he walked in the room with that thing and by the way not a room that's one of two okay never mind yeah i i can't tell the story that i want to tell about this person he walked like i was i was a i was a lion on the prowl and he walked in like a fat antelope with a limp i was ready um and it was in texas and it was really hot and he was wearing a leather jacket and i immediately went over and started making fun of him to his face because one, I think the leather jacket is

the highest risk to reward investment that a man can make fashion-wise south of, south of New York City, generally speaking, right? If you have a leather jacket, one, I think you're probably a dipshit. We got like a 70%. If you're, sorry, there's a gender split here. Leather jackets on, leather jackets on ladies and femmes are always good. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I've never, I have yet to see a woman who can't pull off a leather jacket. Leather jacket on a guy? Oh, we might have some illusions about ourselves. And I am happy to disabuse you of all of them instantly.

Two. Yeah. So he said, yeah, I'm going to be Catholic, right? Like it's a done deal. I'm going to be Catholic. I was like, okay. So like I said, I'm supportive. So I was like, don't do that.

You know, why are you doing that? It's not a great idea. And I said, so are you going to go through the process? the process of adult confirmation, conversion, you know, are you aware of all the stuff you have to do? You said, because what you, this was a lot shorter. You said, you're telling this wrong, because I was listening on the other end of this. Sure. There's acronyms.

He said, he said, hey, I'm Catholic now. He said, what? He's like, yeah, I'm getting married. And you're like, okay. And you're like, wait, so you've been through all the classes? And he goes, there are classes. And at that point, I, at that point, I had to have a very long, discussion.

It's a little bit. It's a little bit. It's comforting because this moved it, this moved the story back into the lane of, ah, we have been here. So what happens? What happens if you say you are, but you, but they disagree? Nothing. They don't have cops anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I mean, the Pope does. It's been a few hundred years since they've murdered people mostly. Mostly. I mean, mostly. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah, CPAC's going on right now. But I don't think he, he did not understand that there is a,

an application process, so to speak, and that there are classes. Oh, it's not like being a Costco member, which is way better than being Catholic, for the record. Go to, listen, going to church never got me the ham that comes on a stand. Right, right. Going to Costco did. Wait, tell me about this ham stand. You can get, you can get like a Serrano ham with a special slicing knife at Costco, usually around my holiday time. Yeah.

Yeah. One thing I get asked about online is, does joke food count as communion? the answer is 100% always yes and that includes dollar 50 pizza at Costco yeah by the way that is the noel consortio serrano ham which of the leg 14 14 pounds of ham on the leg it's got like a display station at every dude it comes with us like it's like a honestly it's like a big warhammer model it comes with its own stand right it's got a display there's a little bit of assembly you want to fucking dominate a lot of toughness if you want to dominate some holiday potluck you you're invited to bring this bad boy this is like a t-7 brother yeah it's got a little toughness to it's

leadership points yeah you'll need some ap to get through it um yeah it's got it's one hundred and nineteen ninety nine uh which is sold for the relatively low price of eight dollars and fifty seven cents a pound and that's without the all that doesn't even include the accoutrement that you get no you get a knife and you get a ham stand and a ham stand what does your kitchen have a ham stand Thank you, ma'am. Yeah. Whoa, black, buddy. I am staying over.

So I had to have this discussion that he was going, he could not be formerly Catholic. No, I don't. I don't think any was listening to anything. He's going to be, he's going to be off-brand renegade Catholic. He's just freestyling. Yeah, he's just freestyling Catholic. I mean, that's how it's worked so many times. There are so many Catholicism.

Yeah. So, like, he started his own, and that's, he's the Pope now of his own little Catholicism. Yeah. There's a lot of those. Martin, he's Martin County, Florida Catholicism. Martin Luther County. Yeah, Martin Luther. Brother, that's not Catholicism.

If Martin Luther hears, there's one isolated Catholic, he's going to raise up and come find you. This one's alone. Yeah. And then he's going to do my favorite Protestant thing, which is lecture you without notes or knowledge. Oh, he's going to, there we go. He's going to sit on a toilet and come.

complain about Satan giving him constipation. Yeah. Which is what Martin Luther. I should eat all that Catholic ham. For like three years. The Catholic devil's befouling my butt hole. It was but 8.57 shillings per pound. Only I can befoul my butthole.

I got a whole ham stand in my butt because of the devil. I'm going to blame a lady for this. Mostly I think it's that. Adult Catholic converts never seem fun. Like being Catholic is not inherently a fun thing. I would say it's one of the least fun religions you can belong to inherently. Just on the terms of the religion itself is what I mean. Okay.

But I think Catholics as a whole have done a pretty good job over the last 40 years in some real dire circumstances, frankly, of trying to find some fun in it. Sometimes the fun is just sort of like Irish black humor or something like that. but there is some attempt to sort of like be like what like jack donagy is a good character on 30 rock because like people who were raised catholic knew how to make that a funny like a funny part of his character and jd vance will never understand that jd vans will never find death funny like if you're catholic death death is funny death has to be funny right because i don't know your head might end up on top of a night in a romanian church right like that's that's funny right jokes

Jokes about death are funny. Not taking any of it too seriously, deadly funny. Somehow ending up with a parade where everyone is half naked, right? Running through the middle of Rio de Janeiro as a runoff of one of the most severe religions ever concocted by mankind. That's funny. Yes. So this is, yeah. This is, to me, this is again another way in which every group is a lot like every other group.

It's a lot like how people from around the world think Americans are all triggered. by 9-11 jokes. No, we think that shit is the funniest thing in the world. Yeah. It's like how everyone thinks Atlantans are triggered by 283 jokes. No, we are the ones who do the most of them. Right. Like the Bishop of Louisiana being like, officially God says gators okay on Lent. That's funny.

That's funny. And that's funny in a way that I don't think adult Catholic converts will inherently get, because you have to like, I don't like to gate keep, but you have to have the reps put in. to have the reps put in you have to have the reps put in to understand why that's funny yeah if you became like if you were an adult catholic and you became an adult a you became an adult convert because you really enjoyed the legalese and like argument of it i can 100% say you're a deeply unfun person and no one wants to hang around go play d and d dude it's got so many rules go play go to you know what jd vans played that honestly he should go back to because i think it'd be a

a much more satisfying religion for him. Magic the Gathering. Magic the Gathering. Magic the Gathering. Magic the Gathering. Magic the Gathering wasn't going to get him elected. If it did, he would still be playing Magic the Gathering. That would be his primary outlet for this kind of like sad, rule-loving nerditry. That's what this is from. My follow-up question here is how does this explain like Mike Pence? Lifelong Catholic who is just as weird as J.D. Vance. In the sense that there is, and I'm going to use his celebrity look-like here, in the sense that there is only one Hellraiser. Or, you know, or, you know, there are,

and there are, you know, there are multiple Cenobites. But, you know, there's only one Hellraiser. I think that, I think that Mike Pence is, is, is, is a singular creature. You know, there's, we, we just wrapped up a, a bonus episode where we talked about the, incredible glory and majesty of Cam Newton's national championship run. There are many college football players, but it is a large data set. In every data set, there are going to be outliers, and out of every group of outliers that will be, there will be ones that are prominent even among the

outliers. And I think that is what you are dealing with in Mike Pence, who again, looks like Hellraiser without makeup. Interesting. I'll just say, from my outside perspective, ignorant here, of Catholicism to me is like, okay, it's an old thing that it produced a lot of weird shit. I see weirdos of every classification of Catholicism along the way. I see adult converts like Newt Rockney, who is like the broiest football bro of all. He's like, yeah, my old lady is Catholic and most of my players are, so I guess I am too. Sure, sure. Back to ball week.

Like normalist guy in the world. and then I don't know and then there's the millions of absolute cooked brains that have been produced by Catholicism over the last millennia

so I don't know to me it's like a lot of weird shit on both sides and a lot of more normal shit on both sides but I will take the words of the insiders that you are more likely

to find the weird on those who join later I just don't think if you're really Catholic you shouldn't want to write a book about your journey to Catholicism you should want to bury that detailed

because that would just be like I turned what one or whatever? Jason, are you familiar with the Catholic Bible? Yeah, it's huge. It's big as fuck. It's big as hell. It's got even more shit, y'all don't read. Yeah. It looks at the OED and it's like, hey, skinny bitch. I'm sorry, we're the original time maxers here.

Sorry if you hate efficiency. We made up this whole administration that just tells us what's in the book. That's it. We made the original chat GPT. It is pretty great that like the Bible is in order and has been for thousands of years. And Catholics are like, nope, we've remixed it. Here's the missile. You read these pieces and these orders. And this is the right. We've hacked the Bible. We understand this is how you're supposed to read it. Go away. It's twice as big and we read less than half of it. God knows why. Actually, I think that I think the Catholics came up with a great solution for the Bible is incoherent by not reading it. That's perfect. If somebody's like, well, it says this.

You're like, we don't worry about that. It's fine. Here's the other thing. There's a way to be Catholic that's swaggy. Like, this is what all the churches in Europe understood. They were like, all right, a lot of problems with this religion, but you know what's going to be flashy as hell. Yeah. Jamie Vance is not, like, come on.

Is he going to be walking around with some tricked out Virgin Mary necklace? No. Absolutely not. Is he going to attend a Spanish festival where an enormous float blows up? and kill eight bystanders festively. Right. No. Okay.

Is J.D. Vance ever going to prepare for the sacrifices of Lent by going absolutely apes shit in a hot city for like a week and a half? No, he's not going to do any of the fun shit. We have a whole culture of people who eat a cinnamon roll with a plastic baby in it. It's because it's because of Catholicism. Listen. So, yeah, we do have swaggy Catholics. They're in Louisiana, Central America.

South America. No, we could keep going with this, man. Philippines, are you actually going to get yourself crucified during Easter week to celebrate? Yeah, no, you're not that. You're not about it. You're not, if you're really about it, J.D. Vance, go to the Philippines. Let them nail you up. Yeah.

Because there'll be a couple of guys doing it. I guarantee you, they are every single year. The Pope has a goddamn tiara. That's how Swaggy Catholicism can be. Yeah. Also, produce, also Chicago. Listen, Catholicism Catholicism produces

Bad bitch Yeah, that is a bad bitch. Pink marble? Is your religion? You ever gonna put down some pink marble in your house? Like Catholicism, you go to the main house And they're like, you see this big fucking blood red circle?

That's where Charlemagne joined the team, bitch. That's where he said, You're the real ones. That's how swagging Catholicism can be. You walk in some shit that looks like the last level of dark stuff. souls. Mm-hmm.

Hell yeah. Except covered in gold taken from South America. Yes. 100%. Yeah. Taken is a really generous. The fruits of colonialism have produced a Sephiroth final level. Yes.

And you think, ah, good. This is, I have found the whole. Listen, I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying at least it's interesting to look at, which J.D. Vance is not. Seperoth has unlimited swag. I agree. What kind of like tower to heaven is. J.D. Vance going to build? Huh?

Just fucking look like the horseshoe. That's it. Who cares? Yeah. It would look like the shoe. Also, man, you know what J.D. Vance has never got to understand. He's never as he's never going to understand this. Ah, it's not real. Like that's like, correct. He's like, no, I have belief. And I'm like, you're not a real Catholic if you believe in God. I'm totally on that like, because, you know, there's like this whole school of Judaism that's like, oh, that's ridiculous. Listen, there are some ways in which Catholicism can be a great way to train you as a sports fan.

Because when the chips are down, you can just be like, fuck it, this shit don't count. This shit is not real. I'm done. Yeah. Or you can be like, I don't know. You know what, it'll be great to die next week. That's why Boston, you want to know the soul of the Boston sports fan, the famously understudied and underpublicized soul. We're the first seven talk about it.

I haven't heard much about it. Yeah, I'm going to let you, I'm going to give you the, much like Catholics, they don't tell everyone about their feelings very often. Yeah, that's it. If you want to know... I never get to hear about Catholic guilt. No one ever talks about it. It's that New England pilgrim stoicism.

That's right. That's right. Yeah, but like, I absolutely, like, we had a neighbor who moved in two doors down from us when I was a kid, and they were from Boston, but we immediately got along with them. You couldn't even call him Superman? Yeah.

At baseline, at baseline, we got along because it was basically like, like, hey, man, your team lost. last night he's like yeah life's a piece of shit you want to die anyway like I got a good joke about a coffin you know be a man die if you if you were a patriots fan for any of the like 40 years before bill bellichick showed up yeah our catholic as shit my my god the other thing is here we are all talking about Irish Catholicism when we when we do all this gritty grim stuff this is one kind of Catholicism right yes this is not Italian Catholicism not Spanish Catholicism, not Mexican Catholicism, right?

Because all that is going to be very, that is going to be like passionate soccer fan Catholicism. I did study abroad in Malta, the village that I lived in, had like 5,000 people in it. The church in the village was like 600 years old and had Jesus weeping blood. My favorite, I was reading the history of American immigration in the late 1800s when it pivoted from like, we're mad at the Irish to er we're met at the Italians. And the Irish who are already here complained about the Italians coming in and like doing festivals instead of learning rules. So that's the other reason why the adult converts are no fun.

They look at the Irish Catholic brand of Catholicism and they say, why are you smiling so much? Why are you so happy? They've gone super Irish. Listen, if J.B. Vance was like, I just really wanted to go to carnival. I just was so like that. That's what it is. That's what it is. This American Catholicism is Irish Catholicism

minus the alcoholism and the coping humor. Yes, 100%. How dare those Italians get drunk in the street? Anyway, I'm going to go into this closet and drink myself blind. Are you going to say any prayers while you're in there? No, God's not real. And if he is, he's not listening. If he has, he's drunk too.

Yeah. Quitters. Like, my understanding of Catholicism as it stands right now is really not that much different than my current metaphysical viewpoint. It feels like it reads the same. It's like, does God exist? No, no. Is it listening?

No, no. No, no. It's not actually that much different attitudeally than the Catholicism I was raised with. And you still have lots of artists with skulls on it. I have tons of like, yeah, I just get that part of my soul out through Warhammer now because Warhammer is Catholicism. You're going to start the show now? 46 minutes in and 14 minutes before I have to go, yeah Spencer sing the

um hum I'm gonna try the call to prayer well the shot down full cast that takes the sins of the world I'd be so like honestly that's

I'm telling you man if we get some synth keyboards and some smoke machines we can make this shit work. I'm telling you, we can spruce the shit up. No, you just get regular organ in Catholicism. It's like baseball where nothing happens. We're going to get a dance team up in here. It's like the Catholic service, it's so embarrassing how badly you sing.

And the Protestant service, it's so embarrassing. But you know what? But you know what? I'll give this to Catholicism. They almost always put the lead vocalist they put up on that podium. They almost always suck, too. They let you know the bar is real low. And recording from Atlanta, I have to throw in one more,

I have to throw in one coin against the Catholics can't sing because there is a robust community of them here in Atlanta. I have been to services here. It is goddamn incredible. The Haitian Catholic community can sing. I will also say, as the person who I believe has been to more Protestant church than all of you combined. Easy.

Serber, you come the closest, I'm pretty sure. But, however, there's a lot of us that can't sing. I'll tell you that. There's a lot of us up on them stages who should not be. Well, that's why you have the electric guitar. It's just a blast over. Exactly. That's why I learned to rap, not sing.

At Christmas at church, we might bring in an oboe. They said it's time to do DC talk. I'm going to do the rap first. are going to have fucking opinions about the obo. The best we got is House of Pain, brother. That's all I got for. I'm here to just lament the loss of actual amplifiers and churches. It is a problem.

Like, with all the in-the-box guitar amps, like digital modelers and shit. Sometimes we used to use that loud stuff for that purpose. And it ain't happening anymore. Stuff's too controlled now. Dude, friends of my growing up, like stagehand buddies and I made good money at the mega churches in and around Knoxville, like running their soundboard and getting all their shit set up for gene ceremonies. Yeah.

Like, that was a great boon to our bands having access to all that shit for band practice. So there you have the primary benefit of the megachurch wing of Protestantism. I was going to say, Jason, I think there's a direct correlation between geographical clusters of hardcore bands and megachurches. 1,000%. Yeah.

Yes. I can keep this in the megachurch vein and take us into football news. Yes. Via a press release that hit right after we started recording. Yes. The Liberty Bowl newsletter, which I recommend everybody subscribe to because it is like a time capsule, has hit. Heisman trophy winner, NFL star, Olympian, businessman, U.S. ambassador has been announced as the winner of the Liberty Bowl's annual Distinguished Citizen Award.

Herschel Walker will be announced. Not the worst choice they could have made with those accolades, I guess. Well, yeah, previous choices are, previous choices for this award include such luminaries as. Was Scott Bayo not available? I don't understand. Well, previously on this list, you and truly the Liberty Bowl is, take, takes the best of us and takes the best of us derogatory. Elvis has been the Liberty Bowl distinguished citizen.

Priscilla Presley, also I guess, is maybe the first Liberty Bowl Distinguished Citizen Nepo Baby. Lindsay Nelson's in here, Bear Bryant's in here, Lee Corso's in here, Daryl Waltrip is in here. And then there is Bobby Bowdoin, Lou Holtz, and Tony Dunchy. so they appear to have a particular lane. Last year was Vern Lundquist,

which has got to be the biggest plummet of quality from one year to the next. Did we mention on the show that Lou Holtz died? Will this be the moment when someone finds that out? Yeah, speaking of someone from the deeply unfunned just say you're a Lou Holt. Lifelong Catholic, by the way. I'll put you in the right shelf right down there.

Oh, here we go. Do, in memoriam. Lou Holt. Let's keep that organ going. I'd like everybody to go ahead and raise your eyes to the skies. No, other way. What's going? Oh, that's where you are going.

Because we're not going to look Lou in the eye. I'm sorry. You want to run it back? No, it's too late. We're in media race here. It's too late for a lot of things. Yeah, it's too late for a lot of things. Like telling Lou that he was a piece of crap.

Just a garbage human. Lou who made interns cry. Lou, who in the mind of, I asked my dad about Lou Holt speaking at a corporate speaking engagement, which Lou made a little extra cash doing. And I was like, how was he? He goes, he was amazing. He did a magic trick. And I said, I bet he did.

Made your money disappear. Didn't he? What Lou did. It's good at showing up. Making money disappear. Did he have high standards for his players? Yes, yes. He did.

He had high standards for himself. Not everybody can get fired from coach in Arkansas for being too much of a racist. But he did it. He did it. Not everybody can get. Is it four different schools in NCAA on the way out? Yeah, yeah.

Which, by the way, of course, we support players getting money. That would have been great. Do we support Lou Holtz being a piece of crap along the way in the course of doing that? Nah. No, we don't. So, I guess what I'm saying is to the Lord I don't believe in,

to all the gods that I do not salute. It doesn't matter. The Holt's a piece of crap, and he's dead. Let's get lunch. Amen. There we go. Thank you. That man had to coach so many games in Shays Stadium.

He did, oh. He had to watch so much South Carolina football. He really did. I like to be responsible for so much South Carolina football. It's a shame too because like... He foisted it on the rest of us. It's a shame too because he's one of those like guys who you don't like and he dies. And he goes, well, he was good at stuff.

But that really doesn't influence like... It doesn't influence the basic piece of crapness. You know, it doesn't influence you're like, oh, did you like him? You're like, nah, that guy sucked. Absolutely. Didn't that bitch go 0 and 11 at South Carolina? He sucked. He wasn't good.

He was really good for like a specific window of time. And then. Yeah. Which Clemson killed him on the field. And now he's exactly where he wants to be. Roasting in a pit of flame with Ronald Reagan. I believe in a very specific hell. Which is also Catholic of me.

That's true. Yeah. Should we just keep a running scoreboard and decide who's the most Catholic at the end of the calendar year? Yeah, who hopes is dead. Whatever. There we go. I like doing a fake eulogy for him several weeks after his death. I feel like that's the correct amount of time.

We're almost a month fast brother. It's a eulogy. It's not an elegy. Hey, don't make, I don't have to lie about him. Just get up at my funeral and be like, it was late all the time. There, just late all the time. You know, you know the quote that I have here that I always have. Now he's the late.

Spencer Hall. I heard his balls were really smooth. Don't worry. It's going to be open casket. We'll let everybody find out this. Yeah. They never say which end of the casket has to be open. Yeah. Winnie the pooing into the beyond.

Oh, the makeup people did such a good job. Face down, ass up. That's the way he wanted to be laid to rest. Listen, in the week I got a colonoscopy, I got to say, the result. The result support your position here that I should be displayed ass up. Can I advertise another podcast? Do you really well on that test? Is that what you said? I did.

Aced it. Nice. Can I advertise for another podcast here while we're at it for not a sister show of ours, but a cousin's show of ours? Because if there is a show that we're not directly involved with that exists alongside this one in the same universe, it very much is, well, there's your problem, the podcast about engineering disasters with slides. And to have them drop a three-hour episode about anesthesia on the, the day you undergo a colonoscopy. Thank you. Thank you, cousins. We appreciate you. We see you and we hear you. I wanted to give some news to server before I have to go. And it's this that there is... You don't have to go for like 20 minutes.

I know, I know. It's going to take this long to cover this bit of news. Wow. Okay. This is from listener, E.K.U. Adam, who reminds us that there's a new trailer for the reboot of American Gladiators. and there's a theme for it and is performed by jelly roll. No! No! Who is a Pat and Oswald? He's taking the Pat and Oswald

for swooping it and fucking ruining everything I like. American... You're gladiated! They put me in a metal ball! Gladiator! I don't even know! Shot tennis balls at me, brother!

And spandex, they made me use a little bicycle with my hands. A man named laser knocked me down over and over again. I had to fight a guy on road named Comet. Tell me about a time where you trusted that the Q-tip was going to go where it was supposed to go. There I was jousting in a unitarred. They made me clawed the ceiling just to avoid a lady named Sonia. Is this a Japanese horror movie? Because I'm here for the ring.

I've been in the arena, brother. They handed me in the punchy stick. Made me fight a guy. Is there anything where, are there any full cast characters where, not that these are characters, these are all real, where the gap between what we do with them

is so much better than the actual person. Oh, like we have improved upon real life people before. I'm not sure the gap is quite so wide as what Cerber has created here with anybody else. I think the thing here is I know basically nothing about jelly roll other than what server has presented to it.

Serber's jelly roll is canonical. I'm not sure I've ever heard a song of jelly roll getting RKO'd by Randy Orton and I was like, hell yeah, go and then they're like, oh, the disgusting Randy Orton. I'm like, what the fuck are they talking about? That was awesome. All I know is this guy deserves to be RKO. Way to go, Vopper. Ryan, have you been sneak attacked with the World Cup song since you laid down the law?

No, I want to thank everybody in my circle. for not trying to do this. I saw we got an email to the forecast account from somebody that included jelly roll in the title and I did not open it. I don't know what it says. I'm not, no, I'm not fucking with it.

I will also pledge not to open this, whatever it is. We didn't need an American Gladiator's theme song. Also, we're bringing back American Gladiators? Ryan, how are you planning to avoid this during the World Cup? Mute, mute, mute, mute, mute. Are you going to mute? Commercial is approaching?

Because I'm worried Telemundo won't be able help us there because they've got the Spanish they've got they've got the Mexican singer in there so I'm worried this is like for all the networks we're going out to lunch you're going to be like we're going somewhere without TVs correct yes yes or earplugs don't talk to me I'm not trying to hear the jelly roll ear muffs let me inside your head got my jelly blockers home sir thank you for leaning away from the mic so it sounds like he's outside trying to get in Oh my God, let the white one in. There we go.

No, I have not heard the jelly roll song, and I plan to continue that streak. I really don't think I've ever heard. I think if I get all the way to the World Cup final, I might listen to it then ahead of the final. We can make it a charity bowl goal, but only if we hit like two million, because I don't want you to suffer. If we hit two million, Ryan has to listen to it for a straight hour. I got to sing it. I wonder if there's a... There's a Spanish version where he's singing in Spanish.

That's what I want. Yolo Kiro! With the power of AI. It's going to make Peggy Hill sound like Ricardo Montemontan. Las Cadainas, Yarno, replicant. Gross. Dios me, my sieno, Lascuero. Gensalbreel de Madero.

Yo, Sara, Los Pistanos, Caballeros. brother. El Redmondo Coro Celestia! Norgelo. Nitrous before I fought in Jals with Nitro. I've been there, brother.

Ain't no gladiator more American than me. You know, Jelly connects to another piece of forecast lore. He's from Antioch, Tennessee. Oh, shit. I didn't know he's from Antioch. How deep does the show? No, that makes a lot more sense now.

I was raised by spotters. I'm having to be pizza. Pace in the ball pit. He'd say is stored in the ball pit. Hold on. Hold on. I'm on the Wikipedia page for this. He wasn't raised by spiders?

No, no, no, for the American Gladiators reboot. That part is true. What you said is true. For the American Gladiators reboot. Okay, so it's being hosted by the Miz, which is not surprising. Here's the part that is surprising. This was filmed in summer 2025 near Paris, France, in front of a French audience. of approximately 3,000 people.

What kind of... How are we doing American gladiators and brands? Pardon. Huh. French gladiators. I've seen that movie. That's not a movie. That's not a movie, man.

That was a videotape. It was a great weekend. We all enjoyed it. That, by the way, the French for jelly roll is roulete la confidire. I mean, jelly roll's a British dessert. I have a Buccoot to travel. It just gets worse and worse.

Menon, not a problem. Walla no, me beckon figure, Dolera. Now, I would like the jelly roll of Marseillaise, just to be clear. I don't think jelly roll would like the Marseillaise if he knew what it was about. It's very important that we don't tell him. You know, A walls en font de laitriere brother, Lechard de Guillaire, and Darivay. in French is lezere.

If you get him to the third line, he'd be like, Contra, sounds good to me, brother. Left right, left, right. Epe, AP. Yeah, if I could just listen to him. Oh, no, now that's in my head. Darnsanglanteleve. You just form a vote,

Forme those battalions. We're ready. We're just back to Catholicism. Yeah. Again, you can't be being... Oh, Zarmistigiant! Sorry. Oh, Shoms elize!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha-ha! Again, are the French Catholic, yes. Do they go to church or believe in God? No. They just get a lot of vacation and pastries. That's how you do it. You can say, I've converted to being culturally Catholic, and you're like, what does that mean? You're like, I'm a pessimist who enjoys good food.

good food. So like I've converted to be in French. Right? Yeah. Are you a French citizen? No. I'm a fiscal conservative and a social Frenchman. The French do have that trap door of the Foreign Legion though, so you could just go, go to the

Foreign Legion, be like, hey, I'll do whatever you want. It's far as a thing? You could still go join the French. You can still join that? You just have to show up to the gate in Paris. Have we done this before? No, you could just show up. Okay. Wait, how old can you be and still sign up for the foreign leader?

That I don't know. I think we're fucked. We're French 55. Oh, man, I'm so happy. I'm the Spencer's out right. I don't want to click on it. When you Google how to enlist in French Foreign Legion, the third result, the first two are like, would appear to be sort of like the equivalent of like travel websites that

aren't official that are like, here's how to get your visa or whatever. The third result is from R slash France, the title, joining the French Foreign Legion in nine days need answers I don't even want to click on it no I'm gonna do it I just want to let it sit and merinate what answers could you have needed sir or ma'am

never been so surprised not to see a post on our Reddit yeah by the way you're your deadline for completely resetting your life if you fucked things up is 39 and a half years old shit server yeah I have idea.

Yeah. So you just have to be 39 and a half. You need, by the way, first contract is five fucking years, dude. Five years, I ain't got to live here. Also, you will be enlisted. Also, maybe this helps some of you if you're thinking about it. You'll be enlisted as a single person, even if you're married. So.

I'm sorry, that's a very different kind of Alpine divorce. Yeah, that is. Than the one that we've been talking about. Yeah, so you need an ID, and that's it. And then you serve five years in your French. Fuck, man. Don't tell Lane Kevin about this. Yeah.

No, he's got to stay five years in one place. Oh, shit. This might knock. Did he just prove he can? Also, he's way too old. Yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. He looks like he's been in the fridge for In Legion right now, but was he six years in Oxford?

This might knock some of you out here. You have to be physically fit to serve it. anywhere in the world for at least five years. And that makes it sound like you've got to be a dolphin. Part dolphin. Huh. You say, uh, but answer? Any well.

In New Orleans. In France, we know how to treat dolphins. You rose kills, yes? Additionally, additionally, this might knock some of our listeners out. You have to be able to write and read in your native language. Shit. And you have to not. want not to be not wanted by interpol mind you oh come mind you it doesn't say you doesn't say you

don't have to be criminal it says you don't have to be wanted by they have to they have to have not noticed you do you think people show up and they're like i think that's a good rule it's just interpol right just to be clear i am certain you don't think somebody you don't think somebody from like i don't know just grabbing a country at random the united states it's shown up i like this because france is like hey we got mistress time tonight we are not fucking calling Lithuanian I noticed

Minnesota Highway Patrol is nowhere on this list is that correct Athens Georgia PD notably not appearing

on this list just to be sure the Indiana exise police in Florida Department of Game and Wildlife

not included we're good we're Gucci all right I'm in yeah where's my dolphin

actually that person maybe your Dior yeah that person would probably be in trouble because it'd be like, where's your ID?

And you'd be like, oh, fuck. Uh-huh. Yeah. Valid ID. I've got this gym membership card. Will that do? Listen, if you fake your ID to get into the French Foreign Legion, they probably won't notice at Interpol until after, at which point you're already in.

That's science. Yeah, that's true. I'm glad we've helped at least one of our listeners reset their lives. Yeah, we're going to get the best email in five years. They'll be all in French and be like, thank you, fullcaster. Mez amends. Yeah. Live show.

Lab show. Las show. Las show. They're still in Casablanca, right? They'd be in like Vintian. My understanding of the French Foreign Legion ends with the advent of colored movies. That's perfect. All right.

Oh, shit. No, it ends with, oh, no, sorry. It ends with the 1999 American Cinema Gold Standard, The Mummy. So I think that's what Brent. I think that's what Brendan Fraser was in. I think that's part of the French Foreign Legion's duties. A perfect film. It's protecting archaeological.

A perfect film. All right. I'm glad we can end on this note. I have to go. Play us out. Hello, everybody. I legit have no idea who's playing the organ. Spencer.

That's now you're Catholic. I don't know who's playing the organ. I don't know what the song is. You're just going to stand up. The note by this sound, you just says gospel soaking. Yeah, here we go. I'm just going to give you a little party message here today.

After a homily, we're going to send you out the door with a little note of positivity from my particular brand of Tennessee influenced. I've been called homily before, brother. It's nothing new. I've been through that valley. I've seen the man at the end. Yeah, I flipped a dirt bike in the valley of death. No big deal. No big deal.

That's the valley of hell yeah. Yeah. You know, you might be on that ATV this afternoon. It stands for all-terrain vehicle, but what I really want you to know it stands for is, well, I've run out of words. Oh, damn, he's too overcome. I'm too overcome. But what I really want to say is that if you're in this church, we all believe the same things.

God isn't real. You come here for the donuts. I'm counting when you leave because I take it personally. That's why I have a sign in the back that says. Yeah, you can make it an hour. Don't be a baby. No, yeah, 42 minutes. That's all I ask.

42 minutes. This is the shorts of gene service. Leave after communion. It's fine. It's Friday night. The one all of the cool Catholics went to that your family never went to because it wasn't, quote, the real one, unquote. 11 a.m. Sunday. Sunday.

Sunday. Sunday. You'll pay for the whole seat and you'll need it because you'll fall asleep. Y'all only show up until 11. Listen, once you get to sit, stand, Neil, rhythm down, you can nap through most of it. Yeah. Yeah. And to get through the week of your.

classmates telling you that you're wearing Satan's blinders because you take communion. Hell, I'm wearing Satan's underwuse. He called me Shadrach, Meshack, and a bed to go. Right, get the hell out of here. I only burn from the outside. We're trying to get the hell out of here, Ryan. I'm trying to sanctify this space. We got to do podcast business after your ass leaves.

With that, just a reminder, we got to take the fucking times. It's not worth it. Nothing means anything. pass the basket around and throw 20 in or I'll make you feel guilty um bye beautiful uh I guess that's the podcast business song for the week question mark

and here we go off we go folks uh patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast we just recorded a big ass thing it's the longest recording in shutdown fullcast history it is it is uh By a good half hour and then some. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is part of the series with our Arkansas lore episode that is also on our Patreon. That was a mere scant fleeting two hours. This is significantly longer than that on, you know, a little thing called the entire history of the NCAA. How about that? And it's going up.

I'm not sure of the exact moment, as is known. No one knows the hour. No, we shall know. There is no no yeah either way well to say on theme this probably cost it up by the holiday weekend so y'all if so those of you who were traveling and or have to sit through sunrise service can have something to pop an earbud in for so this is this is going to cost 10% of your income is my understanding right if we're no yes no despite that uh an incredible number of hours including the hours already on our patreon you can obtain the entire history of the ncaa told by people who are not lying about that the NCAA for a mere scant four dollars a month that's it so assuming that's not 10 per if that is 10 of your income i'm gonna be honest just email us and say can i get on the patreon free we don't want

you spend 10% of your income we'll put you on scholarship that's right assuming it's not though take 10% of your income take away the four dollars a month you're giving to to the full cast patreon go spend the rest of that at home field apparel that's what you're gonna do and you're gonna and And listen, I've sat through the collection service to church. And you know what? I don't know where that money went. I get that I just said, like, look at all these beautiful, this art and architecture and all that. And I know it goes toward capital funds and this, that, and the other.

And I'm sure there's some charity. But you know what? Catholic Church never gave me, not once. Comfortable sweatshirt. You know what? Catholic Church has never given me a goddamn Kentucky Wildcats jean jacket. That's right. That's right. Do you know how angry I am at home field apparel right now to have dropped all this sick Kentucky denim that I cannot put on my body without it bursting into flames. I'm so

mad. I'm so envious. I might buy this Kentucky jean jacket and daywalk anyway. Like Catholicism is largely about ancient iconography. Look at these depictions of people from long before you and gaze upon like many of the most famous works of art. That's what my old Kentucky home is about actually. But you know what? None of the like Michelangelo never once was like here's the sad husky. Not once. Go through the Sistine Chapel. Find me, find me the sad Yukon dog and the Sistine

Chapel. You can't. You know, in honor of the Yukon Huskies pulling off the greatest sports moment in quite a while, which is taking Duke's heart, yanking it out of Duke's body,

putting it back in, yanking it out even harder, and then squeezing it like a fucking orange is uh i'm looking through i'm looking through uh homefield's ukon offerings uh which include we gotta get some happy huskies the capital of the u.s and basketball capital of the world we have happy husky holding up a basketball shaped pizza there's husky with a musket that's in there somewhere i'm pretty sure we got yukon football gear even though him mora is gone still his uh his his legacy remains his legacy remains um there

There's seven pages of Yukon gear alone here. There's a fucking, there's a whole damn meal worth. There's also an ice cream one. Yukon Dairy Bar. I don't know what the hell that is, but it's a good-looking home field shirt. If you keep scrolling, you might find like a Yukon salad. I don't know.

I don't know. You might find an entire Yukon buffet in here. Rob Emanuel takes the Yukon salad and shakes it vigorously. There is, so the, just in honor, of what Yukon has accomplished by making Duke feel like the worst people alive. Making them feel stupid. Specifically making them feel stupid. Making them feel like awful bastards.

You should go to homefield apparel.com and buy a bunch of Yukon Husky stuff. That's right. That's the answer. Or if you want to buy Illinois stuff, that's fine too. Yeah. Michigan is here. Texas. Arizona.

We're very excited for you. Texas. UCLA, yeah. All the various final four teams, they, you know, them and many doesn't. of other schools that are not quite as good at basketball are also here at homefield apparel.com. That's right. Unfortunately, you've tied, so you don't have any money left over for Channel 6. Sorry.

That's all right. But is there anything Channel 6 could get me for free if I've spent all my money on the full cast and Homefield Apparel? You can indeed. When you sign up for Channel 6, that is Channel dash 6 at ghost.io. That is the newsletter, sometimes audio contraption that Spencer Hall and I pilot year round. We have a free off-season newsletter that drops in your inbox, usually every Friday, sometimes on Saturday, like when we are getting a dog adopted out like we were this week. Shout out to longtime listener Bitter Avi for taking Miss Fiona home. We have a free off-season newsletter that is free to read when you sign up for our email list, which is also free.

You can go to channel hyphen 6.ghost.io and click the round, sometimes blue button in the lower right hand corner of the website. After, we have a little bit of a, I've been working on this story for X number years, and he just dot, dot, dot, tweeted it out situation right now, which is that we have spent, coming up at our five-year anniversary, we have spent something like the past three years trying to figure out a good way of getting audio to our listeners in. in the way that we want to deliver it to them because Ghost and private podcast feeds have historically not played nice. This week, Ghost has finally announced integration for its publishing platform and transistor. So for those of you who have been limping along with us as we fight with our own private YouTube channel to get to our webinars, our secret podcast interviews with folks like Don Vanatta, and Steve. and Godfrey, other luminaries of the industry. We will soon have a regular-ass private podcast feed for y'all,

just like every other blog without having to move off ghost. We're very happy with that. Again, you can sign up. You can give us money or don't. At the moment, I would prefer, of course, that you save your pennies for the Charity Bowl, but more on that in a couple of weeks. One more thing before I pass the mic. Today is... the last day, Tuesday, March 31st, of our Q1 PTQU fundraiser. By the time you hear this, it will be over. I said last week that we were going to announce the donation total and our new destination for donations this week, forgetting that today is actually the last day of the fundraiser. So we're going to push that announcement to next week. Sorry about that. We regret the error,

our first. By the time you hear this, we will have a total for Q1 PTQU merch, which is going to Transvisible Montana and then next week in our what will turn out to be our second April episode. Sorry about that. We will announce the total of our Q1 donations and we will announce the trans support organization who will be getting donations for Q2. If you're brand new, real quick, how this works. You visit the shutdown full shop at pre-owned airboats.com, real website, not a trap. Click the link that says PTKU over there on the left and you will be treated to any and all of our available protect trans kids university, fight and blue sharks merchandise.

We give all PTKU money, not a cut, not a portion, all of that money to trans health, trans support, trans advocacy groups with a focus on local, regional, statewide groups across country. So let's run that score up. Happy Trans Day of Visibility, a day late when this drops to all of our siblings out there in the community. We love y'all and we will kill for you,

not a parody account. You know, Ryan, if you include all of our various co-hosts on other podcasts, then I think the most Catholic title goes to you, does it not? Oh shit,

yeah, because you have to put up with Godfrey, and that's a lot of suffering. And it's also suffering that I take on purpose. Like, I do it by choice.

You might as well be wearing one of those real itchy shirts, but it's just Godfrey's voice. Emotionally, it does feel that way. If you want to, put on an emotionally itchy audio shirt. You go listen to Phantom Island, available wherever podcasts are sold. Who is Stephen Godfrey talking to on this week's free episode?

It's DJ Burns, Ohio Wonderkind. That is a lot of crankiness on one podcast. How do you contain it? You know, people, you might be thinking like, gosh, I don't know. With Stephen on Phantom Island, I don't get as much sort of like anti-Michigan as I'm used to, whatever. Can Stephen find a way to, take shots at Michigan on an episode that's all about what's wrong at Ohio State and why DJ

seems to be the only one trying to do anything of journalistic quality when it comes to the state of Ohio. Yes. While you're here to sign up for the rooster. That's right. Yeah. We're not in it, but it's good. Yeah, it is, it is high quality. Do they talk about warranty harding at all? I don't. I'm almost done listening to it. I don't think Warren G came up once. Man, that's all right. Warren G didn't, but what about warranty? Next time. Damn, things have really changed. Uh, you can also hear me. say the phrase business zengief so there's a little treat for the only one who can liberate you from that's the best teaser for a podcast i've ever heard in my life stuck in business prison but then

business zankeef did the tornado dd ternado pile driver excuse me oh boy that's beautiful man um jason i i i i'm so confused football season's been over for months and yet until saturday keeps coming to my inbox sometimes on days that are not any of those days. Yeah, what's happening? Well, you know, as you know, I am a lifelong college basketball journalist. I cover college basketball. It's my main sports.

My performance. You have the biggest newsletter in the nation. I don't think anybody would question this. Hold on. Auburn might win the NIT, and I haven't heard you say shit about it. I'm a little worried about you, dude. We just talked about a whole bunch of people that are going to hell. What are you talking about?

As a person who in the 2010s was literally one of the biggest NIT experts, I don't pay any attention to the NIT. We talked for two and a half hours about our former lives at SBNH on this bonus episode, and we completely forgot to get into the NIT. I have completely and utterly forsaken the NIT. Sometimes they forget to do these. The NIT has fallen. It's not your Fersakes the NIT.

These little tournaments, like every year the CBI is like they announced like in March like, we think we might do it this year. This is the year. I'm getting my real estate license. The feeling is back. But, like, yeah, until Saturday is currently a college basketball newsletter. After this, we'll go back to be in college football until it's softball time. But, yeah, it's a good newsletter.

I think, so, like, y'all do a bunch of Catholic stuff. I would say this is more Jewish-coded because, first of all, Saturday, Sabbath, right? Also, Alex Kirchner has written about 10%. Like, during football season, he's on there weekly. So, like, it's certainly not Catholic. Jewish-coded and not talking about Bruce Pearls, Auburn. What is happening with this newsletter? We talked shit about Bruce Pearl several times.

Man, like, honestly, Bruce Pearl. Bruce Pearl was the most recurring villain in my newsletter for about a month because that shit he said about Miami, Ohio. Like, it was basically he's basketball Kirk Herb Street now, so. And without a dog, so we have to get him undiluted. You know, the fellow members of the tribe, like Alex and me, like we call our own to task. I did see Richard Johnson participate in the Jewish wedding, the dance with the chair.

Yeah, sure. And like Richard walks out, I'm like, dude, you're in the tribe. Now he's like, yeah, this is awesome. And like I was right there. So I think also I am as well. Yeah, I had your blessing. That's true. Sure, yes.

It matters so much. Serber, I know because you sent it to me that killer ants has been cooking, has been in the kitchen and has new shit. and Ryan. Oh yeah, there's a there's a secret Falcon Scott slack where I might have shared some audio with them. New singles coming out soon, ish. I don't have an exact date for you because it kind of matters when Matt gets it back to me from mastering. But yeah, next week there'll be a new single post of the artwork for the album and the single on my Blue Sky at server.

At blue sky.com. I don't have one of the fancy things at the end of it. I don't even. I just can't be bothered. I don't want to deal with it. Well, I think Jason's looks cool because he's got his handle at the end of it. That looks cool. I kind of miss the boat on that, I think.

And now I'm kind of enjoy the fact that I have the old thing from when I first got the account. We got a show April 10th at Fair Witness Fancy drinks, but that's part of a big weekend here in Winston-Salem of Fuzz Fest, April 9th to 11th. So they've got single-day passes, two-day passes, three-day passes. that you can get to see a bunch of different cool bands. I'm particularly excited to see this band called Wishy that I've been listening to. They sound really cool if you're into like 90s Sad Girl Alt Rock. They'll be right up your alley, which I am very much into.

They sound really, really cool. And there are a couple other, there's a couple other bands. Check out the list. Go follow Fuzz Sounds. They're posting everybody that's playing. But we're playing April 10th at Fair Witness Fancy drinks. we're going on at like 1045. It's going to be a late night,

but there's a bunch of cool local bands. We're kind of like the local show of the festival. I was looking. Everybody that's playing is either bands that I've played with before from Greensboro or like people I've seen in other bands in Winston-Salem before. So I'm kind of stoked to be like the local flavor of the night when there's other stuff going on around town. But check it out and follow us.

We have a Z at the end of our name. We're called Killer Rants. Anything you guys want to say about Spencer while he's not here? I'd say it all to his face. You know that. That makes you, ooh. I can't imagine any. It's not very Catholic.

It's not very Catholic. It's not very Baptist either, though. Just mean. Just mean is what it makes me.