Shutdown Fullcast - [INSERT YOUR TEAM HERE] Nation, Let's Ride

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

The Fullcast crew discusses whether the government would have seized Air Bud for military purposes. Then, prompted by the NFL's marketing map of the world, we embark on a journey to assign teams to countries, including the tricky task of explaining why Ohio State and Norway are a soul match.  Visit sunny preownedairboats.com for exciting new Fullcast merch including the debut of the STAY AT HOME UNCLE mug!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How did they decide on the Seahawks as Germany's team? That's so far. Racism. I don't remember why. Pete Carroll said some weird shit. That's what, did it? Because they did this. This was the thing they did.

Like, yeah. So, like, the Dolph, Brazil got the Dolphins. Oh, right. Germany, so Germany got four teams. They got the Panthers, the Chiefs. the pats and the bucks Parthers are the perfect Germany team Canada

So So technically Canada got the Seahawks Which makes a lot more sense This is just for like Home marketing areas or whatever Which I assume has something to do with like What games get shown or whatever Yeah

Spain got the Bears And the Dolphins Yeah I completely forgot about that map I was just thinking of the Seahawks going to play in Germany but like if it was basically just like we want tom brady there and this is the team they're playing you know yes i think that i think like it was a bucks thing and it's so it's so mean sitting seattle the uk has the bears the jags the dolphins the vikings the chets and the niners what the fuck the niners it would seem like i don't know it would seem like you'd want like

the like NFC North type teams to be Germany because it's like sure there's a lot of German people sure I don't know anything I guess there and there are several teams that are just like like the the Packers are not on here yeah yeah one of your like your biggest brands and whatever just like uh this the Steelers are in Mexico which that actually makes historical sense yes yeah um everyone likes the Steelers but like the Ravens no nothing i think the giants don't have anybody it's weird almost everything the NFL is doing in europe is sort of like what is the what is the plan here other than just like we make a shit ton of money when like

every NFL fan in germany comes to the one game yeah it's like the map they're fucking bengels jersey they're jeffi whatever jersey they found yeah the map is one of those things where it makes like 10% of it makes enough sense that it tricks the part of your brain that thinks you're going to solve all of them yep and so you stare at it long enough until you realize like no only 10% of it makes sense right right so so the Seahawks are Germany's team which I'm guessing they went to Germany in this game they went to Germany but they're Canada's team they went along because

the bucks are Germany's team yeah the bucks are Germany's team yes even though they're owned by um UK people people or something. Huh. Okay. Sure. Have they marked Europe off into like territories like? Kind of.

Yeah. It's like a really, it's like a really half-assed risk game. It's like a risk game where they started, um, setting up the map and then we're like, oh, right. This means we have to play a whole risk game. I'm sleepy. Oh boy. This game takes way longer than I remember.

Yeah. There's a lot of that. Yeah. there's only there's only one team in Asia China got the Rams that's it

I'm like Japan that's not yeah that makes sense I guess I would kind of figure Japan would get a team I mean you'd want the Niners as like a bigger brand throughout Asia I would guess

so you just Niners got the colors too so you just gave you gave a billion you gave almost two billion people the Rams yeah and they won the

Super Bowl conspiracy confirmed Bengals never had a fucking shot man red China everywhere you go in China Rams parades I nude it

all they talk about is Jim Everett and Marshall Falk for Henry Ellers a certain period of time they talk they talk about

kirk warner Mike marks is great leap forward Mark bulger Mark bulger a hero of the people's republic Kurt Warner Kurt Warner just sitting there

like going it's so good to be here in the PRC woo I want to tell you all about the salvation and love of Jesus Christ Oh no

Bho Send in Gus for rot I mean bring us the atheist Mike Martz Welcome to the shutdown Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the Internet's only

College Football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. Joining me as always is Ryan Nanny. How you doing, Ryan? I want to offer a disclaimer before I present this next question. Sure. I have not seen Air Bud, nor have I seen any of its sequels. You monster. I too have never, I've never seen Air Bud. Also a monster, I guess. Serber, have you seen Airbud? Obviously. I don't know. It's going to be pretty awkward there if you hadn't. All right. Well, Serber, I'll ask you then. If, so canonically, and I confirm this with Roger Sherman, at least through some of the Airbud series, it's the same dog. It's not different dogs popping up that can do a variety of athletic feats, yes?

Yeah, you're goddamn right. Okay. It is really hard for me to believe that if. If a golden retriever showed up that could have the situational awareness, the problem-solving skills, the physical manipulation to participate in team sports as effectively as Airbud does, that the government would not seize the dog for military purposes, or at least scientific study. And to my knowledge, this does not happen in the series, correct? It doesn't. It's interesting you note this, though. I had a dog when I was a child that played football with me.

One day that dog disappeared. And we never saw Bluto again. What I did see about a year and a half later was the very first Air Bud film. Hold on. I'm going to add some podcast value here by ensuring that we join conspiracy theory, bro territory, and thus ascend to podcast immortality and millions of dollars by dropping this line. That's crazy, man. so

server is it your contention that Disney stole your dog and used it as the inspiration for the successful film franchise we know as Air Bud

yes and the current Star Wars series Pandor okay we've gotten up to a superb start Ryan so thank you for introducing

that, and the fact that Roger Sherman is the internet's foremost expert on all things, Airbus. You consulted, you consulted him like he was legal code on this. Well, he was already in a Twitter thread talking about Airbud, and I asked him a question. And of course, he was like, here's an entire article I wrote about this subject. Because, listen, Roger has taught me a lot of things in the time that I've known him. I don't know how many of them are useful, but here's another useful thing Roger has taught me. You know how occasionally people will be like, why does this person have like the dumbest, grainiest Wikipedia photo? Roger knows the answer to that, and Roger taught me the answer to that, which is that Wikipedia can't use photos that have any, have any, like, rights holder to them.

So frequently, it'll just be like this wiki editor had a friend who was at a jazz game. and took a camera phone picture of Olden Pollynees in 2002. And that's why that's his wiki-funk-ed-out. I like this all comes back to Old and Pollenice. Well, that's because Roger bought a Old and Pauldeanese game worn warm-ups. I don't know if it was the full set, but it was definitely way too big for it. It was. No, Roger's height, full disclosure.

Roger's height is like 6-2. He's a big dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like, Olden-Polynees, full height, 6-10. It looked like. like he was wearing his dad's clothing. He would wear this. He would wear this to the office.

Not frequently, but not infrequently. Not infrequently. Like you'd notice, right? He was the best. He's not dead, but. He's not dead. He's not dead. Okay.

Thank you. That was a, that's an excellent start. That other voice you heard is Michael Serber, who's our producer and occasional Airbud enthusiast. Jason Kirk also joining us. Jason Kirk, you have never seen Airbud? Spencer, I'm curious. What makes you say that with that sort of confidence? It's a guess.

Okay. I have no confidence. My confidence rating in this opinion, zero. I'm going to go the other way. Jason has frequently referred to the number of cousins scurrying around nephews and cousins and such scurrying around his house at various points of this podcast

and so I think he has at least like been Airbud-ad adjacent Okay Okay, so I'll replace your bets Oh yeah, you've seen it You've seen it Um, airbud for me is in that class of movie Along with Pulp Fiction and Titanic

In which I know everything that happens But I've never seen it you know what i think i think we're all right we're all right on this one that can't be but sure go ahead sure no i'm going to go ahead and say that we're all right and that he has both seen it and not seen it i think um my contention on the question of has airbud been compromised by the government is obviously yes but um but as counterprop to make us think about the fact that he hasn't been used by the military, sort of conspicuously serving as counter evidence

against conspiracy theories. Oh, I see. Like, here's this amazing basketball dog. So all those rumors you've heard about sniper dog, you should just put to rest because the basketball dog is the cool dog we're all talking about. Yeah, look at the incredible asset that the U.S. military generously didn't weaponize against you.

Yep. So. It was definitely C-L-T. six that killed Osama bin Laden and not Airbud. And I don't know why you would suggest that it was Airbud. How much would it have sucked if you were

if you were Osama bin Laden and you're like, hello? You open the door and you get attacked by a celebrity dog and your last thought is is that Airbud? Not just a celebrity dog. Not a Mastiff, not a pit bull, not a Rottweiler. A fucking Goldie is the one that takes you down.

Bounding. Just flicks a football right into your solar plexus as you're recovering your breath and getting your throat torn out you're like fuck I feel the bud motherfucker air bud windmill dunks on you so hard you pass out and that is how you your neck breaks like I feel I feel the bullet pierce my chest I look up and Garfield is standing there holding a gun smoking and glowering horror Garfield of course yeah from the reddit horror the Garfield that uh will turn you into his like um hell servant yes that guy that's yeah so okay we're all we're all right

we're all correct that jason has both seen this this is this is jason has raised another question for me do any of you have a movie that you haven't seen but you have watched every available clip of on youtube you've seen it you've seen it piecemeal yes like i have i have one specific movie like this and I enjoy watching clips of it on YouTube but I never have the desire to go and watch the movie what is yours the big short I think that's the idea I just like the clips are good in that film yeah that's a that's a great way to do because it's so like not only are the individual scenes so um episodic but also the explainer scenes right are so self-contained right and I feel like I have seen the clips

enough that I'm well why would I go see the whole why would I go see the whole movie whatever hasn't been clipped must be boring must be unnecessary like connective tissue and I just want the good me thank you let the internet serve as your fast forward button yeah yeah I can't think of one like that for me it's probably like an old action movie with like just a lot of bonkers sequences it's I think it's a sad commentary on my cultural palette that I've done this with Roadhouse, but I've also watched Roadhouse a lot. Sure, that's fine. I think that's fine. Like, sometimes I will just, sometimes I'm like, yeah, I need to see the Terry Funk fight scene

at the double deuce. I need to see it right now. So I'll just go watch, you know. Roadhouse is not casually on television anymore. Roadhouse is not in that rotation where TBS is like, I don't know, it's Tuesday. Let's put Roadhouse. Like, I don't think they do that. It's aged out or what? Yeah, well, there's just not Spike TV anymore. That's a problem, number one. Number two, I think there's some aging out. And I think it's also like, there are some little elements of it's where it's like, how do you get around the television? What is the television edit of, I used to fuck guys like you in prison?

Hmm. I used to hug. I used to hug, guys. I used to friend. I used to know. It's just, I used to know guys like you in prison. It's just very harmless. I used to biblically know guys like you in prison.

never mind there are no problems with airing this uh with airing this on broadcast television but we just don't anymore oh wait there's the other reason why we don't which is that um for years who is who's the who's the lead actress in uh in this film what's her name uh kelly lynch and she's married to somebody else famous if memory serves She's married to Brian Glazer She's married to Mitch Glazer Which

Who Who like He's a right He's written He wrote Scrooge He was a writer on Saturday Night Live He like hasn't done that many things But Scrooge is important

Because he knows He knows Bill Murray And supposedly Every time Bill Murray Would see Roadhouse on television and it got to the sex scene, he would call Mitch Glazer and said, hey, I'm watching your wife have sex with Patrick Swayce.

Yeah. So maybe that's why it's not on TV anymore, because Mitch Glazer just needed a fucking break. I think my answer is most movies made since the year 1998 is probably, yeah, because I just don't really, I don't really have the attention span to just sit down and watch many movies. If I do, I have to be in the theater. Otherwise, when somebody's like, that movie's really good, I'm like, oh, crazy.

I'll go watch three minutes of it. Like, Parasite. Yeah, it's got that amazing scene. What about the rest of it? No clue. Parasite is pretty good. I think this is me with every movie made before 1998. But you should just...

So wait, does that mean you and Spencer have never... There are no movies that you both see? I think between the two of us, we have everything coming. That's the goal, at least. That's the positive way. I'm putting it, Ryan, don't be a pessimist. We have seen every movie combined. Sure.

Just not together. Just, okay, good. I mean, I will tell you, Jason. Let me tell you about the plot of a movie I've seen. Yeah. Like, I've never seen Django Unchained, but I've watched like eight scenes from it. It's great. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to watch it.

Tarantino films are good for this kind of, like, YouTube-only activity as well. Mm-hmm. You can just sort of be like, wow, all right. that was fucked up anyway yeah here's a scene to unloading the dishwasher you want to watch seven people die you want to watch a random conversation

about some pop culture thing that he was fixated on for a month there you go you got it all in a minute yeah like basically it's a sports highlight movie or a sports highlight channel but for movies right like here's the good part it's useful it's quite useful it's I showed you the good part the whole thing is

two hours long and you don't want to watch it but we'll show you all the parts you need Anyway, college football. Yeah, that's right. College football. College football. That's a goddamn segue. That was, man, fucking nailed it.

Airbugner nailed it, but. You told me something. You told me something. Kidnapped him. Sorry, what? Yeah. You told me something in pre-show that I really did know that the official team for the billions of people who live in China is the to play Rams?

Correct. In December of 2021, according to this NFL.com, a thing that I'm reading, the league awarded marketing rights to eight different countries for 18 different teams. And like, what that means is kind of weird. It's mostly just like, you can have, fan engagement and youth football activities and merchandise sales and I'm like I'm pretty sure like you can go to any of these countries and you know it's not it's funnier if it's just like nope you can only buy a Rams jersey if you live in China no other jersey is available to you it it's that's that's weird yeah that's weird like because Europe is cut up into multiple territories right well uh some in some ways yes and in some ways no

Like France, nothing. France has nothing. Italy has nothing. Germany has the Panthers of the Chiefs, the Pats, and the Bucks. And I think to how we originally got here, that's why the Bucks and the Seahawks played there recently. Why the Seahawks had to travel halfway across Earth is because they went along with the Bucks.

Yeah. Spain has the Bears and the Dolphins, and that's it. And the UK has the Bears, Jags, Dolphins, Vikings, Jets, and Niners. So that's it for Europe. Some teams are shared. Yes. So the Bears are in. Like Australia also has the Rams, but nobody else.

China. This is fucked up. The dolphins are in China. The dolphins are in Spain, UK, and Brazil. And Brazil. Yes. The Rams are also in Mexico. This is fucked up.

Yeah. Yeah. This is the worst. This is the worst. game of risk ever played it's it's odd it's super like some of it some parts of it you can like canada has the vikings and the seahawks okay those are close to canada and those are um you know close to big parts of big population centers in canada okay fine um Mexico has you know Mexico has some Mexico has a lot of teams it has what one two three four five six seven eight

nine teams but some of them like the Steelers are one of those teams the Steelers For years, one of the only teams you could watch on broadcast television in Mexico, like in the 70s, basically when the Steelers were super good. Spain getting the Bears and the Dolphins, I don't know. I have nothing. The Bears end. When I think of the Spanish lifestyle, I think of the Chicago lifestyle. That's it.

They're identical. I take a siesta. Cultural exchange. That's true. They both like naps. What is a deep dish tappa? What does that even look like? Love to get a big pillow.

I like to find out. Love to get a big pillow full of pickles and just take a big old nap. Put my hat on that soggyness. So this leads me to thinking, of course, that, you know, this has to work for college football as well. Just to say that when I heard Germany was the, the Bucks nation, I was like, that's not right. that's not right i know of no consistent german love for pirates i have not looked up whether pirates of the caribbean is huge there it just doesn't seem to me that said german tourists

fucking love florida oh yeah yeah because florida's like you want to wear socks with sandals absolutely you're right of a fuck of rock out you're ready to go to church in florida with that look do you want to change in your horrible looking underwear on the beach and clear water, which I have seen an entire family of Germans just drop, trow and change. And I will say the nudity was far less shocking to me than

the horrible state of their undies, which was either worse. You want to drink a bunch of light beer and drive as fast as you want? Come to Germany or Florida. Florida's calling. Every road is the Autobahn here. Every road. The auto bond with alligators

is on it. Like, I know, several Germans who have lived here long term, and the reaction between them is varied. Some of them are like, it's horrifying how much freedom you have. Yeah, we know. None of you should be allowed to exist. And then there is this margin of them. I would say like 33% of them based on my experience in a data set of three, the one German I know who was like, this is awesome.

Germany is full of losers. I mean, everyone should owe nine guns. Think of it this way. If one of the stereotypes is Germany, and there are many, if one of the stereotypes is like German precision, like thoughtfully engineered, super mechanical mind, really focused, that can't be everybody. A country cannot all adhere to one to one stereotype. So I assume all the Germans who are like lazy and sloppy are like Florida is for me. I am tired. I don't want to live the Mercedes lifestyle.

I want to live the Bush Gardens lifestyle. Yes. Yes, I want to go to a roller coaster with a beer theme. Absolutely. My heart is calling for Florida. I think the idea of disregarding hurricanes is fantastic. Do not fear them. Is every country just a little bit Germany and a little bit Florida?

I think so. I just like the idea that Florida is recruiting Floridians from the German stock, right? like hey hey you got idiots send them over here that's great we got room yeah because we keep killing each other oh yeah listen you might be worried about running out

territory here never fear we have a natural break on that it's called Florida it's called the state but I heard that and I thought I know that Germans love one thing and that's trains so Purdue has to be the official team

of Germany because Well, I was going to say the most popular musical there ever, so popular that they built an entire theater was Starlight Express, which thanks to Ryan consistently asking about fake or real musicals I know is not only a horrifying real musical, but it involves people on roller skates dressed up as trains singing songs about their sexy train lives. That's what I know. So Purdue and Germany. Purdue Pete has sort of a Germanic quality too. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. The, the, the, the, just the, his expression, no. There's not one.

I am, I am trapped by my emotions and circumstances. I now know what the expression on face means and says. And it is in German in words that we do not have in English. France doesn't get an. NFL team? That's ass. You can give one. Oh, no. I'm not going to give the college team. Okay.

Right? Because you think about France and I may take the layup here. I may just go ahead and give them LSU. Okay. Yeah. Right? Because mother tongue, share cuisine, right? But horrifying enough, I think, for the French, that they're like, they're like, what is all this pepper, that they would go to a Louisiana tailgate, be like, this is sort of familiar to me, but it's like if my native cuisine grew fangs. It's also like the quantity of food is going to be very alarming to the French. Oh, stunning. You know, the French would be like,

you've made the soup for the giants. This is too much France. You have let France go feral. But, okay, what is France going to do with LSU as a football institution specifically? French sports fans? First of all, French sports fans are absolute hooligans. Like, you would think, like, oh, the French don't. They're just, you know, sports is another little element in, like, their big, movable feast of a lifestyle right like go to the match i visit my mistress i go home to my kids and my wife i wake up i go to work at 1130 i leave at one right i have lunch again like you think it was that

not at all not at all first of all they're enormous rugby fans second of all uh they are absolutely the most violent uh fans especially when it comes to attacking their own club, which they have done on multiple occasions with their, like if they lose a game in League one, sometimes they will attempt to burn down their own team's offices. That has happened. So like, don't sleep on it when they're like,

oh, LSU fans will be too. No, no, no, no. Remember, like, we as Americans, we're not about it. We're not. like at no point in the entire 25 year history of Dan Snyder's ownership of the Washington franchise did Washington fans actually get off their ass enough to like so much as protest at the headquarters

much less destroy them right right so in other words the LSU fans might have to ask the French to tone it down yeah like we sort of we as a I don't know internet community or whatever sort of have this notion that like oh SEC fans are the crazy people in sports no no no no no retain relatively serene yeah this is this is i believe what on uh

what on well there's your problem they have referred to as extremely cucked american behavior that we actually have a super strong authoritarian streak where we're like don't do that to the you know don't do that to the man in the uniform yeah no the french have no such predilections whatsoever. They will throw whatever they want, wherever they want, at a sporting match. I have learned, sorry, go ahead, Super. Well, I was famously in France at the Tour de France

known for throwing piss onto the riders, particularly Chris Frum three-time tour chair. I don't think he won the fourth one. Either way, he was his validity was called into question one year, and the next year

they threw piss on him as he was going down the road. They've done that to many former tour champs and many former writers accused of doping and some not just because it became a thing throw piss on them that's that's i think the most french thing about this is that the tour has a demonstrated history of a bystander's fucking with the riders or fucking up the race and if that happened standing in the middle of their path yes like for for decades this has been the case and in the united states if that had happened in one time one time if it had been like oh during the super bowl a bunch of a bunch of uh baltimore fans came and threw

piss on on one team maybe baltimore who's just maybe philly maybe philly um like there would be a movement to do something about it, right? Instant, immediate. Yes. Like, people would lose their minds like it was Will Smith slapping Chris Rock. You know what? My rights and at the tip of mind where your rights began and sort of like, this is just, we live in a big world where we all have to get along with each other. Sometimes that means you get the piss in the face.

Sometimes you get hit with the piss. Sometimes you have the piscence. Yeah. I picture if like the French like Oscars or whatever. if someone gets up and slaps someone, it's like, oh, slap you and back. Yeah, this is the theater of life. Well, they have like a different, their faith in institutions is completely, like, in their hundred points of respect for institutions,

they are completely differently aligned than ours. Like, we're like 98 points, police, police must be right. Like, that's, you know, we're like, call security. They'll definitely do something, right? Right. Which is why the pockets of the United States that have the greatest cultural differences, right? Like, if you're in the south, they're like, well, you better go get the sheriff, right? And in New York, they're like, don't call the cops. Don't. Like, there's an

inverse relationship between how near the nearest cop is to you and how much faith you have in the police. In New York, the nearest cop is like 10 feet away and you're like, don't even look at him. He's not here for us. He's not here for you. Right. Whereas if you're out in like El Paso, Texas, you're like, yeah, that's my buddy. He's fine. He's like 20 miles away and he's the only cop for miles. Um, I have also learned during the course of this conversation, that there was a semi-official position in in France when it was a monarchy for like something like 10 or 11 kings called the matress en titre and this was the chief royal mistress of the king of France it was a semi-official position which came with its own apartments so not only was France cool with like the king will have a like prime mistress prime we will give her house

like a transformer yes yes and like Henry the fourth like cycled through fucking eight

that's not cool you can't have that turbulent political times yeah I mean maybe they you don't know maybe they got promoted maybe they got better jobs

somewhere else promoted from within sometimes you're gonna make a coordinator change sometimes Make her sound like a mech. Behold, Mistress Prime. But, like, imagine if you went on a White House tour and you were like, oh, yeah, that was the, that was the concubine's bedroom back in the day.

Yeah, 15 presidents had a concubine, a living concubine, and we were just fine with it. Mecca concubine. That's, um... But you're right. At LSU, that would probably fly. It would, it would. But, like, the French would, like, in the, like, servers, right, that. Like in the tour to France, they would not, they would be like, well, you can't move Zicampers are there. People are having Zipikik, it's fine, right?

Like, we can't, no more secure a day, just, you know, look out for the piss. The peace can be fine, just look out for the piss. Galate means anyone could get piss thrown on them. But they would trust, they would go, like, well, we need to go to, like, the head of the, like, supreme high priest of the Federation of Cycling, right? Like, the FI. Like, all of those extremely bullshit. international sporting federations all started in Lebanon, France. It's just, it just dawned on me, though.

You make a great point. They're just like, yeah, sometimes you're going to get pissed on you. At the same time, a German person was standing roadside with a sign trying to get on TV, greeting their grandparents saying, hello, Omi, and Opie. And stuck the sign out too far and didn't pull it back in time and wiped out Tony Martin in his final tour de France he was like he's one of the great German writers of all time even irony that he's German

She had to go into hiding right? Yeah well they arrested her They arrested her And charged her criminally And then I think they ended up like She only ended up having to pay a fine But yes had to go into hiding It was awful for

And all they had a sign Just had a sign greeting her grandparents You know why they arrested her She was German Yeah Franz was like absolutely were arresting the German. Oh, she was just trying to say hello to her mother and her father.

This is beautiful. If it's a German, they're like, lock her up. Yeah. Immediately. Like, if you, if it became a tradition at, let's say, the New York City Marathon, where it was like, man, the leaders keep get piss thrown on them, within a year before you could get on an airplane, TSA would make you empty your bladder. They wouldn't watch.

You would be like, you can't get on the plane with piss in your body. Sorry, it's a security thing. No, no, no, you hit you. You're six-year-old? Yeah, he's got a P, too. He's got to go P. Sorry, unless you're 70 or under three, you got to empty that bladder before you're getting on this plane, brother. So you have to, if you get on the plane with, like, five ounces of mouthwash, you have to throw it away.

But you also have to fill up a five-ounce jar of P to prove that you're tapped out. I think you have more. Why don't you go try again? Oh, God. Piss line at T. say it was super long. I barely made my flight. Spencer would never make a flight. I would never no, no, no, but I'd be so dehydrated. They'd be like, you have any piss? I'd be like, I haven't had anything to drink for three days. I'm on the verge of death, but I'm not missing

this flight. Yeah, I sprinted here the entire way. I peeped myself a little. Yeah, peeved myself a little. That's okay. It's all out. It's all out. It's in my pants. That's where I'm clean. Pat me down. Squeeze me. Squeeze me. Squeeze me. Nothing will come out. I promise. Whereas the French would just single out whoever was the most racist stereotype of piss. They'd be, you know, just picking one at random. They'd be like, oh, Americans. Like, just get every American. We'd be like, that's discrimination against Americans. We're like, no, no, no, you have these giant beverage bottles. Every time. You're constantly drinking, like the filthy cattle you are, right?

Slurp, slap, slip. We suspect you. That's against our civil water. Yeah. Who will you give Australia? What college football team will you match with them. In Stanford Rice game a couple years ago? Oh, yeah. It's not that. They also got Cal. They got Cal.

I don't think I'm going to liberate everybody from the tyranny of geographic proximity and go more for what I would consider cultural compatibility. Vives, vibes only. Yeah, to me, like, so a while, I don't know if you remember Apollo Anton Ono, or Anton Apollo, the short track speed skater. There was one time when, Apollo Anton Ono, but yeah. Apollo Anton Ono. So he one time lost a race to two South – when two South Korean skaters, who shouts out to South Korea for doing this.

I remember the announcers being super nationalist, like, that's dirty pool from the South Koreans. No, it was awesome. They tried to box him out and knock him over. That's exactly what you should do. Take out the China American. This is our sport. Bad boy pistons of speed skating. Yeah, we loiter.

We loiter in short track speed skating. South Koreans love that shit. Let them have it, all right? Don't do this stuff for the Wheaties box, all right? Let the South Koreans have it. They're going to take it anyway. All right. So the announcers were very disappointed, but then came along, fourth place, now first place, which was an Aussie.

There was an Aussie who finished first because everyone else in the race had wiped out and they were in the wall. That's the most Australian victory ever. Everyone in Australia was like, yeah, mate, that's how you do it. How did we get gold and short track? Everyone else fell over. So I'm trying to think of the college football equivalent of that. Someone who would succeed, not really through steady, strivy, try-hard effort, but who would kind of fall like bass-acwards into good things.

I think we can get there while also approaching it from another. I think there are two different reasons why a single university checks all the boxes for Australia. Okay. One is, what's the kind of football player they most export to America? Punter. That's correct.

Do the Iowa Hawkeyes strive? Would we accuse them of ambition on the football field? Of building a championship machine? No, we wouldn't. Do they get out there and go as fast as they can, or do they just sort of hope stuff balks into each other, and they accomplish this with, I can't remember how many Australian punters they've had.

but I don't know a reason why they would not acquire Australia's greatest punter every year. That's a really good point. So in heaven there is no beer, Big Iowa song. I think that's definitely Aussie compatible, right? Let's see, they both. Just saying Hawkeye in an, I'll see, Hawkeye. Oka, Iowa. oil

are you going to go for it on fourth down no gnar nar this is irwar I love it I love it I think this is perfect it's a good fit

that's a good fit sorry Australia I don't know the other thing is I suspect well what's the time difference there what's what time is it in Australia

yeah can i can i try to answer this i think it's i think it is an 11 hour difference i think that's that looks to be roughly right so they're watching australia has multiple uh time zones but so so most of them are getting iowa at midnight local yes correct jesus correct and i think that fits you want to you want to wrap that shit up quickly yep yep no passing keep that clock moving also like you know they like uh soccer rugby like they're not you know they're not exactly yes used to extremely high-scoring sports there. Sure. Yeah.

And you know the gambling addiction, we can't just work with that. We can work with that. Always got the under. That's true of any college football team at this junction. Remember, nobody has a lot. Remember, why invest in cryptocurrency when you can just double down on safe, reliable sports wagering? Draft King's ad goes here. That's right.

I can't believe how serious I am in that opinion. Yeah, like, yeah, like, it's always, no jokes are being told. It's better for you in every way. It's so much better for you. Do you want some, like, do you want some, like, weird-looking scammer and a polycule to take your money for nothing? Or would you rather have the joy of watching Philadelphia spit the bit against Washington on a Monday night? For a minute, I thought by weird-looking scammer and a polycule, you met Russell Wilson. So I wasn't sure where that was going.

I mean it now. Mr. Unlimited partners, an arrangement. It's summer. Major League Baseball is in full swing, and there's one app for you, if you want last minute deals on Major League Baseball games. And that's gametime.co. That's right,

gametime. dot CO. I'm looking at the app right now, and I'm picking out America's team, really, the Kansas City Royals. and at Kaufman Stadium just in a couple days there's tickets available for $16

and then well I don't want to up the stakes too much here but let's go to next week it looks like they're playing the Chicago White Sox there are tickets available right now for $3. You could see a Major League Baseball game in Chicago for $3. What stadium you ask?

Not important. It's in Chicago. But GameTime.com is not just for Major League Baseball games even though you can get great deals for that You can also get great deals for concerts, football games. Those are going to be coming up pretty soon. You can find them on gametime.co. I use gametime.com to purchase last minute tickets for an Olivia Rodrigo concert.

Tyler Childers did not show up at mine. That would have been awesome, but it was awesome nonetheless. And gametime.co made it super easy. I got my parking through gametime.com. And I got great tickets for my wife and I. GameTime.com.com made all of that so easy. and one of the greatest concert experiences I've ever had in my entire life.

And I'll be using them again. In fact, I'm seeing a little bit called the beaches in late September. And where did I get my ticket? That's right. Even ahead of time. I didn't wait till the last minute because GameTime's not CO has you covered then as well.

That's what I love about it. Whenever I want to get a ticket for an event, whether I heard about it months before and procrastinated to no end and have left myself an alert, you can save up to 60% of buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, anything else. So, take the guesswork out of buying MLB tickets with GameTime.

You can download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code fullcast for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Portugal. Who's your match for Portugal?

Ooh, okay, so with Portugal, we got, let's see, gonna need kind of laid back we're gonna need maybe somebody who wasted an entire oh A&M somebody who wasted an entire generation of players there you go A&M Did we did we pick so I was gonna say we should pick a Spain

before picking a Portugal Just always pick on Portugal by making them junior Spain But I think this is perfect I think this is perfect Because in Spain what do they like They like big cows with big horns So you two are stuck together forever

we have allotted Spain to the University of Texas when were you good many many years ago just a whole bunch of money in one big squareish shaped block of land producing nothing Spain is very Texas though when you're like well what kind of money gold that's a gold bullshit money

did you guys like church we really like church are you extremely weird about how much you like oh the weirdest we've done the weirdest shit imaginable is some of your sports involved in money laundering oh boy you bet do you have a separatist movement constantly constantly I think this makes Mac brown Francisco Franco and that also kind of work I just like this is a country were like the biggest war ever happened and everyone was like don't go in spain that's when shit gets too crazy oh that's beautiful that's absolutely beautiful that also kind of makes like you know that also kind of makes like tc u the anarchist in the spanish civil war which i'm fine with

that right or texas tech maybe i also look they all they would hate that being defeated by madridors I love that also this is what did Texas Spain do shat a bunch of money all over the world and currently have like nothing to show for it Spain's kind of gone seven and five for like a decade

so yeah that really does scan damn I love it along with by the way I'm just going to continue to draw the parallels Austin and Barcelona and Madrid and Dallas this scans way better than I wanted it, too.

So San Antonio is then Granada? What's the most separatist one? That's Bill Bow. Right? Yeah, right. Yeah, it's like some weird-ass person in El Paso is Bill Bao. 100%.

Where does that give? I'm going to flip the globe a little bit here. Okay? Japan. Japan as what college football team do they get? you ask me so i just give you the hard one all right i think i think if we're going japan we need to go with like absolute titan of the 80s was like had had the establishment fucking quaking and quavering to the point where everybody else was sort of like this must be stopped this is like

an affront to everything we know and our entire sense of being it is important that it's also uh it also tails off drastically after that and but there's always sort of this like looming undercurrent of like any day now the resurgence is the japan of the 80s is coming back because it just should because it's it just has to and you look and you say like well Japan's kind of small it doesn't have you know necessarily the natural resources that other places do it's been it's been picked on by other places and then of course crime. We used to accuse this with a shitload of organized crime.

And that is why Spencer's, Spencer was correct in predicting that I'm going to award the University of Miami to Japan. The divine wind. That's just a different way of saying wide left, really, when you think about it. Right. And I want to tell you, that's brilliant fucking work, man. And I think that makes Florida State China. God, oh, God.

That's so many bad opinions. That's right. And I honestly don't know who's North Korea in this scenario. Sorry, I guess it's Florida. Florida. Probably. Probably. South Korea.

A lot of shouting about how strong we are, but don't come here. And we're not going to you. That's it. Okay. We're not leaving this couch. This is the best couch in the world. I dare you to come here and say that to our faces where it counts. Only Dennis Rodman is welcome.

I'm here. That's the only celebrity we like. I love that this means there is so much anime about the 80s hurricanes, which if ever there were a college football team, a point in history, that's the right choice. That's the right choice. So, yeah, Japan is all about the you. By the way, I do now want to see it. Because remember, in the World Cup, they were very fond of just kind of.

of dragooning fans in Japan that they met on the subway by they I mean just anyone any fans who were there like Ireland would just see some you know somebody who was like hey you want a beer and they were like of course I want a beer I'm on a train in Japan let's have a beer and then they'd give them a beer and they'd be like do you want to come to the game with us and inevitably this you know person speaking English with these Irish fans and the like you know hundred words of English they knew was like this sounds fun I would like to go and they were like okay now we're going to paint you I just want to see Japanese fans who, if you watch the World Cup, the rugby World Cup, they went so hard. Like, if they adopted a team, they did the face paint, they went full out, they learned all the songs. Like, they just went so hard for every team. This is my long way of saying, Miami fans already dress up like Darth Vader and put on masks and do the full face paint thing. Whatever Japanese people do might involve surgery to resemble an ibis. Like, they might go that hard. Respect, bro.

I respect it. I have a bit of respect. It's fucking sick. That's fucking sick feet, bro. I am now actually an ibis. I have become a hurricane. I like that. So there's this thing, this like geographic determinism where like if you live way up north, you're just, you're just kind of a shit sucks and you know it, you know.

And like I just look at the Big Ten and like the NFC North and like that whole part of the world. And I just look at like Scandinavia and it's like, y'all are so accustomed for this. like you are somehow the happiest people on earth despite like your environs and like and the music you've invented and all this shit like everything you know you're surrounded by like trees that look like witches but you're fine with it like you are so equipped to watch wisconsin football yeah 100% like that is by the way it it's Scandinavia it's either we're totally happy and those of us who aren't commit suicide cleanly and or or disappear into the woods.

Like, it's basically a zero or one. There's no in between. Graham Mertz comes to wicked children on Easter, and he steals them and he throws it in a pond. What makes you think you can hit a pond? It's a big pond. It's a very big pond. He walks into the pond.

The pond sacks him, so to speak. The wicked Graham Mertz, if you're not a good boy, he'll come. I mean, that is, sometimes you've got to take the layup and really, like, so much of the Big Ten really does follow Scandinavia, right? Yeah. If I were to do... And a lot of, a lot of the traveling trophies in the Big Ten feel sort of oddly Scandinavian, where it's like, oh, yes, our family is built wooden turtles for 100 years. This is a very important to drink it. There's a lot of trinkets.

You've got trinkets and shit. Right, right. This bridge troll gave me a barrel. What is this? It's a keg. Okay. Why do you have it? It has nails.

It's been there a very long time. Yeah. Why should we not have it? We mustn't ask questions. Start to eat fish on bread now. I know culturally it's not a one-for-one fit. Like, it's not an exactly up. But Finland was really scary in 1939, so I'm going to make them

Minnesota. Okay. Okay, good. That's a great fit. Kind of like. Scary and lots of other years. Okay. So what, if we're going this route, who gets Ohio State and who gets Michigan?

Fuck. Okay. So Ohio State are the dumb, loud ones. So they have to be Norway. Because everyone's like, everyone in Scandinavia is like, you know, no, we weren't Vikings. That's, you know, it's overplayed. Except Norway's like, bro, we were Viking. Hey, Hail Odin.

We dedicate this 70-point victory over ball state to Odin. Yeah, that's... Every 70-point victory over ball state should be devoted to Odin, damn it. Fucking Broden. Yeah, that's... And Sweden gets Michigan because they're like... I was going to say Michigan... Michigan gets...

Michigan's like... Prussia, right? That's when everything was really cool back then. Where's the Hague? The Hague is in the Netherlands. That's pretty good one from Michigan. I can see them. That's where the rules happen.

Yeah, right. Where the appeals to the lawyers happen. Everyone should ride bikes. Everyone should ride bikes. When unfair things happen in the world, we have to go talk about it there. Yeah. You get the feeling that maybe at one point they all got insane. crazed over like coffee and tulips right like I'm passionate about tulips you're like

that's the most Michigan opinion they're fascinating and here's why yeah what did you like sailing and ice skating and we love ice skating yeah yeah the Netherlands might be might be Michigan you know I would also go ahead and if we're going to award Denmark Denmark has like Legos they like to build shit right they're like the happiest people in the world and they like like avant-garde cooking and butter cookies and they have an inordinate number of minks and hogs right so that to me says i don't know wisconsin doesn't exactly fit but they do drink a lot yeah that's me literally listing everything i know about denmark which is way too much they eat a lot of porridge i know that much about denmark i know there are a lot of hot dogs in

Mark, too, or at least in... I'm assuming Denmark's National Anthem is like, jump around. Jump around. It's some horrible song made in 1991. I think Denmark's national anthem is some oon's-oons thing, right? Right. Please rise.

Here are the lyrics. Oh, no, they get South Carolina. Our happiest song is by House of Pain. Actually, can we do that? Let's go ahead and give South Carolina Denmark. Just complete luck. Perfect. Yeah, where's Derrude from?

Quickly looking up where Derrude is from. Derrude is from France. Oh shit. Okay. Sometimes there are defectors. Yeah, that's fine. Sometimes you miss on a local product.

It's okay. That's okay. Just reboot, baby. I think staying in the sort of the same geographic proximity, I think there is another layup. Notre Dame as you might think Italy and I think you're close because I think the actual answer is the Holy Roman Empire just based on like yeah it was really powerful but like in a bullshit way and like it was all found on lies and like it didn't need to be powerful everyone just sort of agreed it was big fan base though big big oh shit loads of fans everywhere the reach was ridiculous if NBC could get the Holy Roman Empire car

contract tomorrow. Oh, they'd signed up for that shit. The brand was absurd, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, because Michigan... Notre Dame hasn't done enough to stake out the Italy. Like, Michigan has them beat on that front at this point, or at least Jim Harvott does.

Most Catholic boy, whoever did Catholic. So I'm going to entertain this. If I said, great luxury and... Great luxury and talent. disorganized okay like deeply deeply disorganized occasionally corrupt and racked with grand scandal

right yeah that's that's kind of what we're shooting for with Italy right long history you need a long history right right so that's that's where I'm kind of aiming I don't have anyone in mind but like that's where I think I don't think Oregon is scandalous enough to fit this, although there is sort of like a fashion tie-in that goes there potentially.

The other thing you need is you need a lot of systemic instability for long stretches. Yeah. You know what? I'm actually going to reverse this because they are a top 10 team in terms of turning out NFL talent. Yeah. Right. They don't exactly travel on the road much. Yeah.

Okay. Great, great high-end talent. A lot of systemic dysfunction. Okay. Fondness for buffoony dictators. All right. Latest being Sylvia Berlusconi or Urban Meyer.

What I'm saying is I think Italy's Florida. Oh, I disagree. Remember, Italy didn't exist. Italy didn't exist as a country. Oh, yeah. The unification of Italy took fucking forever. I get that. Geographically, they're both danglers.

Yeah, and it's 19, like 1990 is to 18, whatever the unification date was, right? I want to, I want to offer a counter argument. Okay. Beautiful historic architecture, some of the best weather and food and sort of vacation destination you can get to. Gainesville's out. But, but completely. leadership vacuum for decades and inability to really take advantage of the natural advantages to leapfrog up in success rankings. UCLA is Italy in my mind. Damn.

Climate-wise, that's a really good match. And like Italy, I think UCLA is the place where everybody's like, oh, I would love to go there. I would love to visit the Rose Bowl. Do you want to work? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I don't want to work there. That's crazy. I'm not living in UCLA. I'm not going to live in Italy. That's a pipe dream. And who was their last sort of championship worthy coach? Bob Toledo. Roberto Toledo. Who do they have now? Chip Kelly. That one doesn't work as well. He's from northern Italy. It's more of like a Swiss thing. Yeah. Jim Mora. Yeah. See? Jimora, if you say it all

is one word, you can convince me that Jimora is an Italian slur of some sort. Jamel Mora. Jimal. Jamel Mora. Carlito Dorrell. Apostrophy, I-M-M-O-R-A.

Jamora. You know what? I accept that one. I like that one. Okay. That's good. Thank you. Thank you.

I would want to If I can do a parallel here This makes USC Greece by the way Which obviously just makes sense Yeah things were incredibly awesome For a period And then it ended Yep

And then you yeah Then you take a layup And then you run the country Then you run the entire unit Like a country club right My friend Philip He will be an excellent Economics minister right

like let's make him philip what's your what your requirements i ran a sandwich shop down in uh santorini for a couple of years you're so you're hired that's great like there there was a long period where u sc greece it it appeared that it would conquer the world could never be stopped and would be on top forever things end yeah people die things end the shutdown down full cast things splinter a little bit i love that one um have we got any any any majors, I'm going to leave Russia off for controversy's sake. That's kind to you. I thought that might be where you went with Ohio State, but I appreciate that.

No, no, no. Northwestern has already claimed Ireland, so we don't have to worry about that one. They're the official team. Oh, no. That's such a horrible fit, but they're stuck there because they're one. It totally fits. It completely fits. Like, the whole Irish experience is moved to America and have a terrible time.

Yeah. Okay, got it. Yeah. Iceland is Boise State Just over here doing good things Hi Just over here being a nice little mid-major You know

Just us Over here Does that make Greenland I know Where it's like I don't think it exists anymore Like who does Iceland hate

Does Iceland really hate anyone Besides Instagram Americans Where are you putting Washington State where is prepared for Washington State what has what has the infrastructure and the capability to withstand what's coming just like 1,000 people who can drink a lot that's hold on a second I'm just going I think we have our answer by the way cold heavy drinkers right and that's really my only two things that I need to tell you the brave researchers of Antarctica I was going to pick the semi-sovereign region of Scotland. Oh, yeah, okay. That's the same thing.

Yep. Yeah. The Faroe Islands in Antarctica. The police. Either way, they're researching how drunk can people possibly get? Yep. What is the upper limit of drunk? At what point does the drunk catch up to my cold, right?

I'm warm, I'm warm, ah, now I'm drunk. Right. Yeah. That makes Wales, Udub? Yeah, that's except. Well, Wales to me,

Wales to me, Wales and West Virginia. All right, both fond of, both fond of leeks and cold. Leaks and cold. You remember the years Prince Charles spent in West Virginia?

Can we, can we send Pitt to Wales so we can have Wales, Welsh words in pit dialect? Wow. Pit accents. Boy. I sure as hell wouldn't stop

The most impossible sound imaginable Do they have French fries in Wales? They do now The chippy I was going to put I was going to put Pitt in Belgium for that reason Yins want to go down to the chippy Yeah

I could see this this is fine Pat Narduzzi's name remains the same you just removed all the vowels Yeah Some double use Putner dues What team do we award to the UK? We have not given, we're not just the UK, but to England, England specifically.

Yes, England proper. I fear this is going to be the most insulting one. So I'm really ready for it. So one, decline. We need a team that's in decline. Declined punctuated by occasional moments of brilliance that also lead to disappointment. If we're using a soccer parallel here. I can use...

And nationally. Sure. Although there's fewer moments of brilliance if we're talking nationally. All right. Well, let's do it this way. Who is the Liz Truss of college football? Does this like Mississippi State ranking number one for like a week in their history? Okay, so this will be, this will be tricky because there is an obvious religious clash here.

But I think you can make the case that Notre Dame is the United Kingdom. See, I was going to go, we have to do a little bit of character consolidation here. In this case, George O'Leary is the Liz Truss, just for the record. Yeah. I was going to go do a little bit of character consolidation for her and suggest that when I think of, of England, I assume that you think of the same thing I do, which is why is that person in charge? What do they do? And occasionally they do something good, but overall it's a long slide into decline, despite some real talent.

So I'm going to go ahead and suggest that maybe England is Penn State. Still good. But like, what are any of y'all doing? The lion is a very natural fit for English iconography, so I can see that working. Having a lot of passionate feelings about the lack of design on the helmet. Yeah. One interminable reign of a figurehead for a long, long time. Yeah.

Yeah. That zombie nation. Yeah. Zombie Nation and normal ice cream. they like to sing seven nation army at their sporting events i know that's everyone but you know go with me the the one thing that i think is missing to be england you need to have like a variety of confusing rituals and bubbles and like what is what is the black rod of pen state football do you know what i mean a schmiscuit

Oh, Wawa, hokey. Okay, okay, okay. So you have, you have an answer, but I think my case runs out when we get to bubbles, trinkets, and totems. So when I think of England, I think of not just massive, ongoing decline, self-induced, over and over, how bad can it get collapse after collapsed the laughing stock of the world the country America makes fun of

yeah pretty weird but also this like opinion of itself that is both destined to rule the world and also deeply ashamed of not

thinking you're better than your entire continent and you should leave and you should go be your own great thing that's not held by the low lives of Germany and France and then you find and yet what you are is you're Nebraska God damn I want to I want to offer one more okay if England is defined as empire and is defined for much of its history not for necessarily what is happening in its own territory

but what is happening outside of those walls and about how it grows and expands in its influence. And the last 100 years are about how that influence continues to wane. And about how the former colonies have sort of realized that the need for Britain is not that great. Not that great. Combine that with a continually decaying political system. and devolution in some cases where power is spinning back to

not just the former colonies, but places like Ireland. I think England is the NCAA. Wow. I think England is the former superpower figurehead that everyone is just like, we don't need you anymore. That's really good.

Because in a lot of ways, England is like, there are two kinds of countries. One is all the countries, and the other is England, right? It is this separate thing that, like, operates in its own bizarre, like, quasi-religious way, whereas, like, every, you know, there's authoritarian countries, there's democracies or whatever, but they all, like, put a person in charge. And then there's this whole other country, there's a person in charge,

and they're in charge of nothing. And, like, Mark Emmer looks like he could be vaguely British. If you were like, oh, yeah, he's knife in line for the ground. It would be like, absolutely buy this. So, his blood in it. his blood looks weak it does it does though

it doesn't look like a robust just trim off his fucking mullet and you have a little a little lord and question time that's basically when the college football ranking committee is like let's tell you what our stupid decision

was and you can yell at us for 10 minutes sir how dare you sir yeah so like both of these um were like at their they're like peak power um right after world war two and like since then everyone just sort of started picking them apart and making fun of them right their most yeah their most recent like actual total victory was like in the early 80s so he was their falcons war yeah got it damn you know where they didn't go after like an actual They weren't like, Ohio State, let's tussle. They were like, fuck you, SMU.

Let's go after the Argentina of college football. The empire thrives. The empire abides. Our power is unquestioned. We have taken down some guys from Dallas. Yeah. And we've won some sheep and rocks. Sheep and rocks.

So when I keep coming back to is sort of like, Egypt as in terms of historically because like we have like these fading empires and then there's like you want to talk about who used to be really good is like like way before all this other shit like Egypt had like empires rise and fall and rise and fall and fall before the time that we like most of us learn about even in history class like begin you know what I mean like sure like Romans thought of the Egyptian empire as like major contributions to architecture and mass. and schools of yeah absolutely yeah yeah like tolemy is out here like figuring out the universe with a stick and the sun before we're even doing before we're out of the mud right yeah i think i mean i look at like michigan in like 1900 is playing like super futuristic nearly impossible football and like i mean that to me like looking we think of like college football history is like oh forever it was like army 1945 well like at that point they looked back at you know at michigan decades and decades earlier as like you know 1900 1901 michigan as like that was the greatest

shit ever um i think i think the the length of college football history lends itself to like just there's so many more risings and fallings than you ever think about and that to me is how whenever you look at like long-term history it's just it's it just strikes you over and over again how many times Egypt has risen and fallen? Can I talk you into a Georgia Tech for that option? Because, because the other part of this is that nobody looks at Georgia. Ancient math. Nobody's like, you know who's going to, you know who's next.

You know who's the next superpower, Georgia Tech or Egypt. We're all like, that's all in the past. And it's fine. The past is fucking cool. That's true. Like, hey, the pyramids, 222.0. How did either of these things happen? They were really good a long time ago, man.

I don't know what to tell you. And the answer is abusive labor practices. Yes, yeah. Oh, God. Just entombed with all his belongings. Yeah, they built shapes. That's one of their greatest accomplishments is like, we figured out how to build really cool shapes.

That is weird animal worship. That's absolutely terrifying. This would also leave me to believe we have one big one we have to assign. and I think I have to do it with it's it's a difficult one because you have to get ancient history like multiple like an ancient history so deep and you have to get a current rise so in order to us to properly assign the PRC a team right first of all you have to admit it's an impossible task what you would actually need to do is break it down to like four different countries and give Seshwan a team from Texas because Setshwan is basically Chinese Texas, right? We're bigger, right? That might be easier to do with NFL teams. But if you just want to give one to the entire nation of China, they have to have a super deep history.

They have to have recent oncoming success that probably hasn't peaked yet, correct? And they're going to have to have just like numbers. Like, big numbers. So, like, who is that? I don't even know if that exists. I feel like you have to combine Georgia and Alabama. And UCF. Right, because you said oncoming success, yes, correct.

And numbers mostly. Yeah, numbers. Like, that would. Like, the amount of history China has generated is, like, it's not just one team, right? And you need two, two big, big power teams. This would be the theoretical mega team that Alabama and Auburn would be, or Mississippi and Mississippi State would be if you combined them, right? The entire state of Alabama is China.

Everyone, all of you. Troy, you have a part to play. Yep. Throw in. QAB. Like unification, like the Ir Alabama team, Irla, Ur-U-Labama. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, like Alabama actively trying to like, destroy UAB that's Taiwan yeah UAB is Taiwan you will be part of the operating system

right down to like having to refer to them by initials oh yeah this is there has got to be some shit in Chinese history called like the Iron War right

like somewhere in there there's probably like 400 years of it right so there is I will not fact check that. It just happened. Also, if you told me Alabama invented fireworks, I'd believe that. Well, we had to because we were waiting all the time.

Crazy thing is they've always been illegal, but we invented them. So I think the, I mean, I'm kind of an idiot, but like one thing I have encountered smarter people saying is that in terms of history generated, you would expect more. of it to have been recorded in India. Like, India has been, like, relatively surprisingly quiet for lots of it, which isn't to say, you know, they have generated, you know, endless art, religions, you know, like, but the, compared to China, you would expect something kind of similar, but it's been, there is, there are periods of Indian history where we know a lot less than you would expect. so like maybe India is sort of a

maybe a team that you would have expected to want a lot more maybe they're Georgia it's like you look at Georgia's history and you think like they've won two titles right two three three titles and produce so much good talent right like talent and people and geniuses and people that we yeah you're just like wow man what are what you guys should yeah I think it might be India

that would be it like this is by so many metrics one of the most powerful, amazing countries in the world and also and also only a couple championships. Thank you, thank you for, thank you for,

thank you for now putting it in my head the idea of, of Stets and Bennett hero of the continent of India in case he doesn't have enough titles. He might accomplish it. I'm not putting it past him. I've now decided to just stop

underestiming him in any respect, right? if somebody was like who figured out Cold Fusion and they're like fuck it was Detson Bennett this also kind of works because like I feel historically India is like rife with rivals in multiple directions

surrounded yeah yeah and that's very Georgia too Tennessee does this make you Pakistan unclear you must do more research give me a minute I'm going to plug in my computer and I'm going to think about Tennessee

because there's a really good answer here. He's literally playing at his computer. At first I thought this was like... Some sort of metaphor of putting my thinking cap on. No, he's literally putting a hat on. I'm accessing the Tennessee part of my brain now. This is good. This is a well-run podcast.

This is rich with the drama. We should note, Holly's not here. For those of you who may be wondering, we haven't just been waiting for she's it would be great if holly had been here the whole time but refused to talk because spencer had not introduced her but she's just rules are rules that's true rules are rules so tennessee actually three different countries right so you need a place that was kind of split up we're trending germany let's see uh you would need a place that was kind of had had some recent dysfunction, like a long stretch of recent dysfunction.

You would need a place that had, let's see, its own distinct cultural identity, right? At least in three ways where nobody got along. And it's not just that it's three places. It's that it's three places that don't like each other. Yeah. Yeah, where there's real beef. Yeah. Right.

And three distinct parts. Damn. You know, there is a point, if I can use it in time where they're Yugoslavia before the breakup, right? Like there's a point where Tennessee is Yugoslavia. Can I make a recommendation here? Oh, please. I think, based on what you've described, I think Tennessee is America. I thought maybe Clemson was America

Given the obsession with religion The insufferable nature of their fans The fact that they They keep playing their song over and over That's a little Tennessee That's a bit of an argument for Tennessee If you extrapolate sort of Clemson's history And map it onto like America's history

It's like all of a sudden Out of nowhere you're the best And you believe you have always been the best Yeah we helped defeat the evil world power Alabama Bama, Germany, and the Great War. But our leaders of that time are tainted for one reason or another. There's some problems with the Great Savior. Immediately wearing out your welcome with the rest of the world.

Just immediately, as hard as possible. They're coming obnoxious overnight. I've been thinking about all this the entire time. And I'm pretty convinced that Clemson is America. what do we like fried chicken bright colors a little bit of exercise trotting down a hill just a little bit but you better drive me to the hill first yeah all our traditions are not running up a hill down it all our traditions

are stolen from other places that's true we have just like America you beat the shit out of South Carolina America did that once yep yep You fired a shot at us? Okay, motherfucker.