Shutdown Fullcast - Iowa Gets A PiP (Punting Increases Perpetually) Plan

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

On this episode, the gang:  reviews the greatest failsons in football coaching wonders whether 25 points is a lot of points, for an offense predicts the horrible future accurately, we're afraid (again)  reveals which veteran coach hangs out shirtless for months on end  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I was listening to this split zone duo, it's this podcast, and they were talking about how as a group, Michigan fans don't really have the same like ride or die fanaticism about Tom Brady as you see with like Peyton at Tennessee or even at Michigan with, you know, DeNard Robinson. And it's not like Brady has been a particular stranger to Ann Arbor. right? He still shows up. But they don't, you don't see this, you don't see this clamor around, around his career. And the only, around his pro career anyway, and I mean, you know, the amount of Tennessee fans who followed Peyton to the Colts and then the Broncos can kind of be explained away because the Titans weren't there for a huge portion of folks growing up. But in wondering if

it was explained by the, you know, solid, not spectacular performance of his college career. You know, he had Mike DeBoard as a lead weight around his ankles and the ankles of the future all pro tackles on the line. I started to go back down the list and I was like, okay, how would I feel about this or that, about, you know, like this or that quarterback if they had then gone on to string together what amounts to two Hall of Fame careers back to back

and I imagine I tried to put myself in a situation where I would have to feel this about like Rick Claussen and then I was like I started going down

the Florida list for you too and I was like okay what if Skyler Morningwegg had gotten to the NFL had just caught fire and just and I was trying to think of like who is the

who is the where is the access between like okay, this is a really solid career. It's reasonable that he got drafted and would just absolutely break my brain if he had gone on to light it up in the NFL. Hmm. I was going down the Tennessee list

and I was going down the Florida list, but you know where besides Michigan has had the biggest string of like 50 year quarterback's because we've talked about it before, Georgia. So I'm going down this list, and one of them immediately pops out. Can you imagine Joe Cox? Just like getting to the NFL, glazing over into one giant freckle, and just setting the record books on fire? And now I kind of get it.

Like, I didn't really understand the Michigan mindset on that before, but now I kind of get it. like, well, Brady's weird because there are so many guys that we can name off the top of our head who they ride harder for, like vocally. Yeah. Like, DeNard Robinson.

DeNard Robinson, right? You say DeNard Robinson to a Michigan fan and they're like, yeah, I took a bullet for him. You say, like, is Chad Henney on that list? Chad Henney is a playoff game on, like, some pro quarterbacks we're talking about. Relatively, he's much higher. Right, right.

They certainly think, it's a lot funnier to tell you, Chad, and he is theirs. Yeah, but that, just like, psychologically, that's fascinating to me. I don't really have anywhere I'm going with this. Yeah, I'm looking at the list of the top career pastors like Drew Brees. Yeah, Purdue fans ride for, and then there's a lot of small school guys. NC State fans, are they crazy about Phillip Rivers? I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I don't know. They hasten to remind you that he went there. Sure. Because they don't have a lot else to point out. Russell Wilson. Boston College is kind of the same way with Matt Ryan. Pitt fans go very hard for Dan Marino, even if they weren't alive at the time because they love all their NFL guys.

Yeah, he's a pit guy. He's a pit guy. Rogers with Cal, I don't know if they formally acknowledge each other at this point at all. No, no, because he made a huge deal for a long time about not acknowledging them. Ole Miss with Eli. The two Manning's in the top ten are kind of, I mean, they've been such stars their whole life.

I think they're the biggest aberrations in the top ten. Stanford with Elway, not a touch. but, like, Stanford doesn't care about these things. They don't know they have a football program. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, the rest, um,

Russell Wilson is obviously a complex one. Montana, Notre Dame fans will remind you, at least older ones. Basically, if I go, if I, if I. Wait, John Elway went to Stanford? Yeah. This is a new information. Oh, John O'Way is there for the play. Like, John O'Way went and, like, clap the trombone player

on the back. And that game also kept John L.A. from playing in a bowl game. That's like half the reason Harbaugh was so connected to the Broncos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. This is my lack of West Coast brain. Like if I take and introduce you at the stadium during the game, do you get the lukewarm round of applause, right? Like if I take Gino Smith and I introduce them about a West Virginia game, I think they're going to be. They're going to fall down screaming. Right.

It's going to be an Elvis moment. Right. Right. If I take Russell Wilson and I introduce a bit of a Wisconsin game. Okay, but we didn't know now, okay, this is another, that leads into another, that's a branch of another philosophical discussion, which is, would we have defended Tom O'Brien if we know Russell Wilson, like we know Russell Wilson now? Yes. We have been like, this mean glass of milk has a point. The unique factor with Wilson is he was one of the first stars of the pre-transfer era to have two alma maters, right? So, like, I think they go harder because they went to claim him away from NC State, or at least they would have until the past year.

And now they say he's more of an NC State guy. Okay, so there's two others I can think of, roughly in the same time period. Troy Aikman at UCLA. Like, I don't feel like they're ever talking about that. And Jim Kelly at Miami, because it comes before all the fun Miami stuff. Like, he's not part of the Miami teams that they love. Even though he was good there. In terms of like how crazy loaded the quarterback rooms were at the time.

But like him as a solo guy, he kind of gets lost in the deluge of stars that follow. Yeah. I don't actually have anywhere I was going with that. I was just like, imagine Joe Cox having the career of Jalen Hertz. It's weird, right? It's weird. It's profoundly weird. I think, I think,

Jalen Hertz having the career of Jalen Hurts. Yeah, sure. I think the Eagles should just run QB sneak the entire game. Just come out, scrap the whole game, while we're run at rugby. Yeah, they're really good at it. They're amazing. They're incredible at it.

You are describing stretches of the game that that's what they more or less do. Yeah, that's fine. Just him and Sanders. Just run QB Sanders and push. And they like mix it up with like one play fake where they throw a deep to AJ Brown. Yeah. Where your MVP is Jason Kelsey And his face is literally like black with bruises from running

Gini That's a best fucking game of my life That was a great time 55 rushing attempts Seven passing Dub Fly the fucking flagged goperts Kansas city is like we only have three possessions

What the fuck? Yeah, three spectacular possessions, incredible, incredible, incredible plays up and down the field. We scored touchdowns, and only held the ball for six minutes, but like, shit. Andy Reid's like 24-21, what the fuck? They got the ball first. They got the ball last. Shit. Jalen Hurts' line is like five for five for 180 yards of the five-play action passes.

they pull off of cuby sneak america's secret service academy the philadelphia equals hey we are soldiers Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. This is a special episode today because it's a family business episode. I am joined by my, let's see, uncle, Jason Kirk Hall. Hello. Hi, Jason. Hi.

Hi. Welcome. Glad you can make it into the office where you definitely belong and deserve to be. Joining this is my stepbrother-in-law, Ryan Nanny. Hi, Ryan. How are you? Look, I know what you're trying to be here. I've been really good about not interrupting the intro for like a month because I know it's

important to say everybody's name because we got on you about that yeah but there's been something on my mind for like two days after talking about it with my wife and i need to i just need to bring it here my step-sister in law yes i think dave batista would be an amazing jean valjean oh 100% like as ryan did this get in your brain after somebody said dave batista is basically or it was Dylan, who basically said Dave Batista is now just if Bob Hoskins vaped. So that's part of it. It's part

that, and it's part, due to the Grammys, we were doing our favorite game, which is, isn't it funny that Lynn Manuel Miranda doesn't have an EGOT and wants one really badly as, like, other people keep, like, Viola Davis has an EGOT now, and other people keep joining this list. That led to a winding road where it was

like, oh yeah, Le Mez was nominated as a film for you know all these acting performances even though it was a bad film and katelyn was like the thing that that movie gets one of the things the movie gets wrong and that recent productions have got wrong is that jean valjean is supposed to be a big dude like like the book and the musical make like a big emphasis on like this is like the biggest dude hoss french people have seen yeah and like That's why his name is John John.

Right, right. And I'm thinking about it and thinking about, like the John of Johns. And thinking about like what Dave Batista wants to do with his career, I'm like, wouldn't he like just, just fucking yoke to Valjean, I think would be great. And I do think we keep Russell Crow then. He can't sing worse than Russell Crow. Is Russell Crow the singing voice? Is that how we do it? No, I find that performance irreplaceable.

I think we keep Russell Crow as Javert. I think Russell Crow versus Batista is a really good... Okay, so then in the third remake, can we finally address why they're all getting Javert wrong? Sure. Thank you. Who do you want to put in that role? Somebody who can sing. Okay.

No, thank you. Yeah, I'm against it. I'm voting against it. Y'all's problem is that you've never heard stars sung the way it was supposed to be sung, and I'm sorry. I know exactly what I sound like, but I'm right. You are right. I like it the way it is. how about how about can we do um can we get dave batista to an egot with what franchises okay because i'm gonna go ahead

yeah i'm gonna say do we get him the tony with a revival production of lame is no we have okay we get him the grammy for uh he's gonna read michelle obama's ebook okay because that's that's a real easy a really easy way dr jill bidens dr joe bans yes yes a real a real easy way for celebs to get the grammyist to do an e-book joe pulled me in closer for a kiss you never experienced such love you usually don't get to add such details to an audiobook but if you got them put them in sure and then you and then yes i think revival of lay mez tony for that emmy for doing a performance of that on the tony awards that's the easiest The most bullshit way to get an Emmy is to do a performance on another award show.

Those are the egotts that should come with asterisks, like when the New York Times says you bought too much of your own book. Right. I think we'll just send him back to TV. He'll get the Emmy for WW Smackdown. That's fine. I'm good with that. And then Oscar for movie version of... Laymiss.

Laymiss. We can get this done in two years, I think. the other thing that bothers me very briefly is i think it's bullshit when musicals musical movies get nominated for best song by adding a song that they stick in the end credits i don't care when other movies do that like all the james bond movies always get nominated and often win because they have a credit song and that's fine they're not musicals i think if you add a new song just to get nominated and it needs to be in your fucking musical you made a movie that's all about singing you don't get to get credit for like

oh we stuck a new song on the credits we have an award play that's that's bullshit I think that we should go back retroactively and award proper like you should be able to give the best Oscar to the best song in a movie because when you go

back and ask somebody what's a movie a song from a movie that really stands out to it's never a prestigious movie it's always like if I were to ask my brother who of course is the representative oscar voter my brother right a construction manager from tennessee um if i were to ask him what song he would be like oh fight to survive from blood sport that totally deserves a retroactive oscar we need to go and do that the the example i think you are i'm going to find it here real

quick the example i think you are looking for is i think it's the nineteen eighty seven academy awards i got to find it hold on i'm getting there computers being slow Sorry, I'm going to interrupt While you're looking for that Yeah Lego has revealed their 6,000 piece Rivendale set Whoa, we're gonna fucking time

We're gonna come back to that Best original song I'm done for today, I'm going to look at this Yeah, sorry, the set will release on March 8th and will cost $500, fine It's about fucking time 59th Academy Awards, 1987 winner Take My Breath Away from Top Gun

Also nominated Roof Tile Patterns and everything Glory of Love from Karate Kid Part 2, somewhere out there from an American tale. I think the actual problem is we don't have songs that play over the credits that describe what you just saw in the movie.

That's what I like. I want didactic summary songs that play over. Just in case, I get through the movie and I was unclear on what happened. Is that not what 3-6 Mafia won for? They did, but it should be like every Fast and Furious movie should have a word-for-word, point-for-point-point-plot summary

at the end of the movie. I see. It says like, When they took that vault! No, what you're... What you are actually describing is like what Will Smith used to do for his movies. This is Wild Wild West the song.

Correct. Why do you think they were wildly popular and successful? Like the movie Wild Wild West was not a song. The blockbuster smash that we still talk about, Wild Wild West. Giant fucking spider in the third. Yeah, Holly, it looks like this is the seventh biggest Lego set ever. where does it rank in terms of proximity to the death star set

uh it looks like it's the third it would be third biggest in the star wars universe it's smaller than the biggest falcon smaller than the biggest walker but bigger than the death star smaller than the biggest falcons also it's bigger than Hogwarts because should be yep first first on the block any reason why not also joining us uh let's see there is we're still me intro that's right big dog you got it we are we said we were doing white stripes this time yes yes my uh let's see ex-wife and former drummer but also sister and sister holly anderson um from detroit she only wears white and red uh and on on huskers yes and on the ones and twos

as always my brother michael server oh look at that ryan you're like you're like a third string distant brother Serber's the brother brother I don't have a problem with that I want to be very clear he's fine he's fine with that but that means you're not Serber's brother oh well

okay all right new resolution one of the three of you is going to develop an iota of self-worth this year and I don't care who we're going to do it pick one let's say it be Spencer let's make it be Spencer oh no no no third of each of us

like the that's going to be a problem no I'm too old that's just putting bad Cole and a good fire. You don't want that the other way around. Yeah. I'm getting to the age where it's just not worth the investment, you know, for a number of things. You're like, do we get a new car? You're emotionally totaled as a person. Spencer picks up a toothbrush. She's like, oh, this will see me out. Yeah. I saw a standard comedian say that that was the Kirkland when you when you bought pants at Kirkland. That's when you really know that, you know, you've achieved Enlightenment or given up one of the two

when you buy Kirkland brand pants yeah get into that stage so yeah let's get self-all right so it's not Spencer great it's not me I'm gonna go ahead you know what I'm gonna Ryan this is the year we give Ryan

oh Jesus self-word that look at that's off to a great start I assume we're not picking server because server's doing fine oh no he's fine I'm the favorite son call me to complain about Spencer. And it can't be me because I have too much self-worth. All right, fine.

The idea of anyone calling anyone else to complain about me seems strange because I hear complaints. Like, no one has a problem giving me them. Okay, how's this? I know the complaints get addressed to me. Hold on. I want to see if I can do this with a straight face. nobody would ever complain about you to somebody else. That wouldn't happen.

That just seems like far too much volume attached to me as a subject, is what I'm saying. Okay. Yeah, it's not going to be Spencer. You're right. Yeah, it's not going to be. It's not going to be. I'm not even worth having haters.

That's it. Why would I have so many better targets for haters? You know, have you can, Have you considered... Yeah, no, I can point... Are they on the show? Yeah. Are they in the room?

No, not in the room, no. Betty. She's right here. Betty needs one hater. She has one, dude. They're from Ohio. Yeah. Fucking losers.

She's still alive, bitches. Isn't that right? So to get into this, because of course, nothing is happening in the sports world this week, so we're going to talk about Iowa football. But to get into this, I wanted to state, just everybody, if we could share our favorite fail son, our favorite nepotism case in college football, because this sport is rife with people whose primary asset on the resume is their last name and their ability to text dad and get a job or their uncle or their grandfather or call someone who was known by either of them to get a gig. And at times it can be merely uncomfortable. And at times it can be a debacle completely unmooring your program, bringing down long, successful regimes, and serving as an embarrassment to your team program and an aggravation for the fan base of the highest order. I have many good picks, but I'll let someone else pick first.

Am he not merciful? I know, I know, because I have like nine. make somebody pick I am still This is not the one in the news No not the one in the news Because I think that that's right now The most acute and spectacular

Because we've managed to create a litmus test For a degree of fail son That the institution gave us in this case All right So Jason do you have How many Bowdens are on your list? All of them Okay

But not but not But in a particular order, and a particular order. Right. I'm guessing three? Yeah. Okay. Well, there go all of mine.

Who is your favorite Baudenfail son? Well, as Holly said, Jeff, of course. It's got to be Jeff. Are we hating specifically because he made hundreds of thousand dollars over a period of years only playing Xbox with recruits? Absolutely, we are. We would love that job. Give it to us. I actually have a different one.

I am still waiting for somebody at NBC to utter the words. And now, you know, at the start of the game, Anthen's over, throwing from studio. And now we hand over to the best reporter available for the job, Jack Collinsworth. Say it straight face. Just say it one time. Say it one time. Jack Collinsworth. obviously the best candidate for the job, period.

You both spell your names like idiots. A job that nobody would want clearly, right? And that nobody works really hard for. Just say it once, one person on NBC, say it one time. And now we go to the best available reporter, Jack Collinsworth. You know what I think the saddest part about that is, is that not only is that like a shameful nepotism hire and has been ever since he popped up doing the,

Kentucky Derby, et cetera. The worst part about it is this, that one of the reasons that they keep him, and this is bad for Jack, too, is that he's cheap. Uh-huh. That's it. Why is he so cheap? Because he's young. Is there-

Fortunately, there are no other young reporters on television. Is that a reflection of the level of demand from other outlets? Is that what's going on there? Probably not. The market makes no mistakes, Jason, is what I'm saying. Well, evidently did here. Yeah, this is the network of CNBC. so I feel like they would know

Yeah Jack Collinsworth Well I will no longer See NBC if they keep him That guy on the freaking sidelines I'm trying to watch The darn Notre Dame games I want to hear Drew Breeze speaking

Not Jack Collins Is he still doing that shit? Okay maybe he was the best reporter available I'm saying I'm saying it was a grim selection there I just want to see One day they're going to give in it It could always be

worse. I can only think of one person I want on calling a Notre Dame game for commentary in the color section. And that is Golden Tate. That's it. Golden Tate. What about Golick Jr.? Yeah. Gollick Jr.? Well, of course, he would do a good job. I think he deserves better than that. Well, no, no, no. I think we're going for, we're going for memes and comedy.

Like, see if, see if Golick Jr. can get the degree revoked. Gollick Jr. the only good son. My choice is Randy Moss. Randy Moss. Randy Moss on Notre Dame Rock. He's back and you can't get rid of him. And you have so many complaints about this West Virginia. Okay, I got it.

The fight of the Irish. Golick, Jr. and... Farting our ass. The farting our ass. Gojo and Randy Moss, but the concede is that Gojo is Randy Moss's son. We never... And it is constantly referenced that he will never live up to his own man.

Randy Moss and Mike Moss Jr. Yeah. Michael Golick. He's going to hyphenate. Golick Moss, son of two NFL greats. They co-parented beautifully. I think he came out nice. We're all very proud of him, all of us.

All very proud. I think Jeff Bowden would have been my number one with a bullet. Jeffie, please. I'm sorry. Jeffie. Jeffie! Jeff didn't like wait to be. Jeff was the one who left. Yes.

That's the way that story. he goes is he walked into his dad's office and was like this is i this is not sustainable you get a little bit of credit it took a long time and it took a lot of bad football what what no what i want to hear you so to say well except then he's like if if uh if stories about his brother's subsequent gigs were true yeah he was coordinating for uh terry for ages because um one of their parents made him take his brother along like they're going to the pool. Is it, is the nepotism different when it's, hey, I have to, my, my dumbass brother, I have to give him something to do versus, this is my son and I love him.

And he's very important to me. I genuinely don't know, but it feels like it's different. I almost feel sorry for the ones in the brother's situation. Right. Yeah. because it's like it's it's it's not like it's it's your son you might be like you know okay he's learning it you know when your assistant coaches are fucking up like these guys are not stupid they know when things are going wrong this is not a problem that they have

and having to sit there and watch it go wrong and knowing that you're going to hear about it from your wife's sister whom you love dearly uh if You know, knowing that Allison is going to be on the phone, I just picked an Allison. I'm sure they're all married to Allison's. It just seemed like a thing. I almost feel sorry for those dudes because it's not like they don't know that these guys are fucking up.

With your brother, though, I feel like there is a greater level of comfort to firing your brother because at one level or another, you know your brother's a dumbass. And he knows. You're a dumb ass, too. He would do it to you. Right. You grew up beating each other up, most likely. Right.

What's a little more? So, really, yeah, the firing is an extension of that fight you had in the playroom when you were 14 and 12 and put a hole in the drywall. This is just another step in that, right? If anything, this is a much more financially prosperous step. The latest theater of battle in that ongoing war. Right. This is. And there's a part that's probably 98% sad that you have to fire your brother. and there's probably 2% when you fire your brother that's like, gotcha, bitch. I mean, the real mean brother thing to do would be to be a head coach somewhere and every

year interview your brother for a coordinator spot and never hire her. And be like, sorry, man. Oh, man. We went another way. Yeah, Tommy Rees was just too impressive. So we got it. And somehow every year like, I mean, you know, it was, hey, we got you the interview that's good experience next year.

Yep. And hey, remember I took you out to lunch? that was fun. We had fun at TGI Fridays, didn't we? Got to go to Chris Knows. Yeah. There's like a father firing a son. That's like you're a failed parent, right?

Yeah. To some extent. You feel like. Yes. Yeah, that's on you. But you feel like one. A brother firing a brother, it's not on you. That's not on you.

That's not your fault. This, of course, leads to the only iteration I can have. You're out when you came out. Of son firing father, Lane Geffron firing Monty. Like, I don't even know how to unpack that one. That's what, that's the, you're the ultimate victor. Is that, is that, is that, is that, is defeating the Titans, more or less? It is, it is.

Kill your masters. There's, there's a large amount of philosophy on which length of studies every day via Google image churches. Throwing the emperor down the shaft of the dead star. Mm-hmm. Lane is, Lane is the son who fights back when Kronos tries to eat him, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to kick you with the throat from inside, Daddy. Lane has not only, remember, Lane has done two spectacular familial hirings and firings.

Remember when Lane was at Tennessee and left to go to USC? No, nobody remembers that. That was real chill. You're also forgetting a third. Probably forgetting a third. Oh, Chris. Oh, my God. Yeah. So the one I'm talking about is that his brother-in-law was his QB coach, David Reeves, didn't know he was taking the job. job. And he didn't take him to USC. That's right.

That's right. Please pin this. Please, which is, oh God, this is so great. Hey. This doesn't even,

this does not even line up with the timeline of the divorce. I was going to say, not his brother-in-law anymore, though, is he? There are a few different transactions. In the works. No, but it doesn't line up with a divorce in such a way as to suggest that Lela was fine with

this and also didn't tell her brother. Right, right. Which is very funny. As someone with a little brother, this is fair. I choose to believe that Layla was like, you told him, right? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, probably. And she took up trash, right?

I think Ed did. Stop. Ed told him. Ed got right on it. I don't know what he said. Yeah. And he also, he also, I think, gently encouraged Chris Kiffin to leave. There we go.

Yeah. his old brother. Yeah. And take the Cleveland Browns defensive line job after one scene. Which isn't it so much meter to tell your brother to go work for the Browns than to fire him? Like, just pee-in-

My shoes, buddy. I really, I really good. I think you would thrive. I thought of you. I think you would thrive with the Browns. Jesus.

Fine. I'll go to med school already. God damn. I just looked at the posting and you were the first name that came to mind for me. God damn, dude. I just associate you with the Browns. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I want to go back a little further because this goes back to a holy of holies in the coaching world

and has one of the funniest endings to a nepotism saga I have ever heard in my life. Of all of the sons that Don Shula, the legendary coach of the Miami Dolpherson, had, right? No one, no one rode the nepotism wagon harder or faster than Dartmouth College graduate Dave Shula.

Dave Shula, after a career, after one season as a pro, one season where I'm sure it was, please put my 5-11 son at wide receiver. After one season as a pro, he only worked for the dolphins. He went and he was,

the offensive coordinator and QB coach at the Cowboys for a year where all of the players absolutely despised him, gave him no credit, and he was demoted from that position. After being demoted, by the way, he was hired by the Bengals, and after one season,

one as a wide receivers coach for a not particularly great offense, he was hired as an NFL head coach. As an NFL head coach at the age of 32. He was hired at the age of 32. By who, and this is important. By which storied franchise? By the, um, the Bengals.

By the team that knew better having seen his, uh, the lackluster offense he'd been a part of. That's not the important thing. Because the owner of the Bengals, Mike Brown, knew that this was the cheapest way to get a head coach. This was 100% they will you do this for $113,000 a year. yes and did it knowing full well how bad it was and yet and yet happened at the age of 32 to hire dave schula dave schula was a miserable failure as a head coach just absolutely deplorable somehow won five games at a season once and then won seven one seven uh and then got fired after going one at six with a winning record with a total win loss uh winning percentage of point two six eight right to your point this um that winning

percentage was good enough for four and a half years that wouldn't be the case these days but the bingles have been uh thrifty for a time yeah after just one season with dave schula um boomer assigned boomer assison decided to go to the new york damning that's not but we're not at the funny part of the story there's something like aggressively non-threatening about having him being named Dave too

it's like he hired his golden retriever by the way if I could give you he's a very good boy his name is David Donald I never heard of what? Donald Shula do you know well do you know who

Dave Shula do you know who Dave Shula got the job over no Bill Cower Bill Cowher was the other candidate. The Kansas City Chiefs Defense Coordinator at the time. Fortunately, that didn't go on to

Obviously, you know, the Bengals missed out on a Super Bowl coach, but unfortunately it didn't directly affect them. This is a great line. This is a great line. I have to emphasize, this is from Dave Shula's Wikipedia page. Cowher checked the head coaching position

with the rival Pittsburgh Steelers that same off season and went on to have a 22 and 9 career record against the Bengals the most wins he had against any team as a head coach. This included an eight and one record against Shula. Shula lost 50 games faster than any NFL coach in history. This is a good wiki. Yeah, this is solid as hell.

By the way, I'm going to give you a headline that I don't want to embellish on. Leonard Shapiro, October 27, 1992 in the Washington Post. For David Shula, comma, a legacy of victory. Listen, you have to admit that in every game, Dave Shula coached, a team one. That's true. He was part of many wins. We're not even to the best part. Okay.

After he's fired at Cincinnati, where does Dave Shula end up? Dave Shula naturally goes back into coaching, takes a position as an assistant, becomes a coordinator, works his way up. and eventually enjoys success over a 22-year NFL career. That's not what happened, all right? That's not what happened. What actually happened was Dave Shula went to work for Shula's Steakhouse. Yeah, baby.

He is the only man to ever eject from an NFL head coaching job and go into cooked beef. And still, Tori Levine went into chicken. Yeah, he went into chicken. Still had to be a Nephob baby, even in that career. Couldn't go work for another steak chain. Had to work for dads. The restaurant industry is the one place where you can literally walk in the door pleading with no connections and they'll be like, go wash dishes.

Or else someone's going to get a job at a steakhouse in America. No. And he would can walk in. You can walk in with a handgun strapped to your face. They would be like, so can you work the grill? All right. So you're back of house. is what I'm seeing.

Can you work Friday nights? I don't think you're a hostess, but how do you feel about working brunch this Sunday? Blam, blam! That's how he says yes. Are you willing to work in our Ocala location? Clearly, no. Shout out to our,

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all right. So here's the part where if you haven't been paying attention, a thing happened in the last, I don't know, 24 hours as a when we're recording this. Brian Ference, the offensive coordinator of your Iowa Hawkeyes, and they are yours,

and you bear responsibility for them. Trouble, they're my Iowa Hawkeyes. And his contract amended, in a few ways. It has been basically set up so that he's going to be the offensive coordinator through June 30th, 2024. And if he meets following two very simple, not very complicated performance objectives, he will go back on a two-year rolling agreement where basically I think every year they keep adding a year

so that you can coach at Iowa until you die and maybe longer, frankly. And if he doesn't meet these, his contract will terminate. Now I should say, lots of Iowa Twitter has already pointed out like, well, that doesn't mean Kirk just can't resign him. So this doesn't necessarily mean this will be the end of Brian Ference at Iowa.

Didn't they also dock his pay like 50 grand? They did, but they had also raised it not that long ago. So, yes, he was getting paid $900,000 a year. And he decided to give him more, which is a searing indictment. And now he's down to 8.50. But if he meets these requirements, which we still haven't gotten to yet, but we will, he'll go up to 925 a year. Here's what Iowa is asking of Brian Farrant's for the 2020-23-24 football season. Number one, the team must average at least 25 points per game, and number two, the team must win at least seven games, including a possible bowl game.

That's just about a personal essay. now 25 points yeah yeah go ahead jason does that include points scored by not the offense because i only ask i wouldn't ask this for most teams but iowa in particular their um their meager scoring output this past season was boosted by i'm going to guess the country's most prolific scoring defense yeah which was none of brian ferens's um coaching acumen coming into play um i don't think that's fair i think they practice against his offense that probably boost their confidence and uh teaching him a lot sharpens iron that's right um at best this agreement is unclear and i think the fairest reading is just that the team must do it

the word team is not defined there is nowhere that says the team means the offense no brian team correct parents's teams Um, so, so yes, it is entirely conceivable that through a combination of punt returns and safeties and pick sixes, Iowa could reach this measure and theoretically never score an offensive touchdown. Sure. Yes. On the board here. That's what we love it. Um, other things that are on the board here, just the specter of Iowa running up the score late in games that they've already got in hand because they have to because they know they can't get to the Nebraska

game averaging 23.8 points a game because that's exactly when they will fuck this up and not get there. Absolutely right. What makes you think they can do it? I'm not saying they can. I'm not saying they can but I am saying they'll try

and listen running up the score for Iowa may mean things like other team is kneeling and defense is trying to rip the ball out. Hey what's on the schedule during this time? That's a great question. Let's go ahead and pull that up. Iowa, 2023 football schedule.

While we're doing that, I also want to propose that it is in when we use the word they, I think there are two people here who are going to be very invested in making sure that this team scores 300 points in the regular season. But the players themselves have every incentive to, hey, we're up by three. That's plenty. We're parking the bus.

Yep. Before we get to the schedule very briefly, to set the context ever so slightly the the the Iowa Hawkeyes in 2022 averaged as a team Spencer do you would you like to hazard a guess as a team I would say they averaged 18 points of game yeah 17.7 okay the like rounding up that counts so so we are talking about a fairly like a touchdown a game is not nothing on the other hand This would bring them to, let's go ahead and pull this number up, one second. So if they get to 25 points a game, that would have put them tied with Arkansas State, above Central Michigan and Missouri and Auburn, did not score 25 points a game, and just below Rice,

Southern Miss, New Mexico State, and Troy. They would be squarely in the 80s in college football. This is not get us an average. They're asking Brian Farrant's to build them a below-average football team. And that's within FBS. To say nothing of like the Power 5, the Big 10, they're just saying, give us a below-average offense, but not this below-average. You went way too far.

In writing. Yes. in right they have quantified just how shitty you are by establishing your excellent gold standard at worse than mid so here's here's the biggest problem and this and then i'll get to holly we'll do the schedule because i want to talk about last year's schedule first if you did this for last year's iowa team they win 11 games the defense is good enough and and holds enough teams They only got outscored. They only had an opponent score more than 25 against them two times. Michigan did it, and Iowa State did it. Every other game on the schedule, they'll win. It means you beat Nebraska 25, 24.

You beat Northwestern 2513. And you beat them 3313, so I guess Northwestern is going to help you in this regard. But, yeah, this, in a weird way, this would work. This brings you up to the once every five years, like, oh, no, Iowa is a no situation. Correct, correct. Holly, here we go. Iowa starts the year with Utah State at home. Okay.

Then they've got Iowa State in Ames. Then they've got Western Michigan at home. Now we get to the Big Ten part of the schedule. First of all, let's stop there. Utah State, Iowa State. Western Michigan. How do you all feel about their chances to get to 25 points on average across that stretch? It's a lot of things are possible. I think they make it once. You think they only score 25 points once in that stretch. Yeah. I'll go twice in there. Okay. You have Utah State and

WNU are for two straight years highly depleted. Iowa State was excellent on defense last year, partly because they got to play Iowa, but, um, also kings of like the one score game, right? And also, you know, that game is just guaranteed to be either nine to two or 500 to 300. So, um, yeah, I'll go just two out of that three there. Okay. All right. Then we've got the following. Let's do them three at a time. Penn State. Oh, no. Michigan State. Purdue. Are we getting to 25? in any of these games.

Michigan State. Okay. They're bad. Yeah, they're not good. They're really not good. But that means so little here. That's true. It means so little, even though they beat the shit out of them last year.

All right, so they'll get to 25 against Michigan State. I feel good about that. I think they'll get to 25 against Purdue as well. So two out of three there? Okay, this year they beat Purdue 24-3, so... So close. Possible, possible. Certainly not greatly hurting the effort.

Last year they lost at Purdue 7 to 24. So, okay, next three. Wisconsin, road game, that one. home against Minnesota and I don't know if this matters I'll let you decide at Northwestern

but at Wrigley Field Oh God Oh God That's you know what That's a wrinkle Okay Shorter field with the weird end zones Yeah

Okay We're actually We're gonna make him play on a 60 yard Is there a closet? Everybody's using the same end zone Somebody gets confused I'll take it Okay

I like you idea that there's a seven-point swing based on somebody getting confused by the wind in the end zones. An additional factor there is regardless of how good Northwestern is, they're never good. Still, their entire thing is about limiting the game

to like six plays. And now they're in a baseball stadium. That's an under. I love it. Yeah. I mean, I love it for us. I'm going to, and by the way, just on trend, the Minnesota Iowa came this year was

1310 Hawkeyes! And they really don't cruise real fast against this Minnesota team that plays at a pretty deliberate pace. I'm going to go ahead and say that this is our first stretch where I'm going 0 for 3.

They're not hitting 25 in any of these. Last three games. Two home games ending with a road game. Rutgers, Illinois, Nebraska. Bad. around Mm-hmm. Rutgers, I feel like, has been very generous against, like,

Rutgers is the game where it's like, this is one where at half time it'll be like 10 to 3, and then Rutgers will be like, here are two pick sixes. Sure. They'll help you get there. Illinois. Well, I think, so Rutgers, you're, you know, in a generic year you're circling that as like, that's the game we make up ground. No, their records is kind of what Northwestern wants to be.

A shitty thing that makes you shitty. Right. Yeah. So, and like they return, you know, most of their non-bad players. Illinois won this year's match up nine to six. Nine to six, which while leaving Kirk Farrants fully erect for the entirety of the game was still a loss and very far from 25 points. It's not just that it was 9 to 6. It's that.

So this is a game in which every score was a field goal, and every field goal was under 40 yards. 27, 32, 37, 27, 36. So many useless yards. Hey, where do you find more useless yards than in Chicago? Wow. That's a good point. Leading to the finale.

Leading to Nebraska. I really think could be the determining, like, it feels like god i hope i hope this hangs in it i hope this hangs in the balance i hope this is it i hope this is the answer hey guys we got to score 25 for brian who's we who's brian um how do you know how do you think this is for staff morale like is brian just an all-time great hang i what's going to be what's going to be fun is like every time they score i don't know 26 points a game even if they lose they're going to dump Gatorade on Brian's head.

They're like, yeah, we did it! Yeah! But it's going to be like Bronx cheery, like when... Yes. You know, he took the training wheels off. Yes, it's going to be very unclear. We didn't need the bed all week, so you get to go to Dave and Busters. Yeah, it's...

At some point, the line is going to become very blurry as to whether we are happy for or laughing at. I just want to each week to go big picture here. I think I'm going to make a spreadsheet or something. We need like a little thermometer that fills up because, like, it doesn't matter win the points are scored we have 300 points yes it could be zero all year and then 300 on Nebraska and he's good if they somehow win seven are we going to do the prices are we going to do the prices right mountain climber but for brian ferens's point total 100% yes yeah yeah yeah um go down aren't

there things that make it go down i think that's plico yeah that's blanco well planko's nothing but down yeah the mountain yeah the mountain climber just goes up up up and then if you go over he goes and that's in this case that's that's that's an extension that's Ryan taking the head coaching job yeah um yeah so it should be noted that the two names you didn't hear on that schedule are Ohio State and Michigan so it is fair to say that if there is a year where Iowa can set this incredibly low standard incredibly low and hit it like they have lined it up as best they can with the schedule that they have yeah the non-con is um as good as it can be considering you have to play Iowa State yep you yeah playing Penn State

sucks but you're avoiding possibly probably an even better team and you're avoiding Ohio State altogether I guess my thing is like I think it's entirely possible this happens because I think this year was just like so statistically difficult to do you look at you look at these games and it's like how did you lose multiple games where you held opponents below 11 points that's a thing that happened i cast must champ it is very must champy you're right but but like if if he yeah go ahead go ahead i was just going to say if if they get to the end of the air and they're like yes we scored 25.3 points per game and because we're Iowa with that level of output we won 10 games and made it to the big 10 championship in which we were shut out so we're now we're under 25 at that point

i think i don't think we've really stopped to appreciate that at that point kirk will be like well i listen to the critics we did we made the changes we need to make and now we're And now you could never question my sweet beautiful Brian ever again. It's another. It has to be like three bad years until we try this shit again. Yeah, yeah. Like, it is. You have to bring the offense up to 2021 Iowa standards.

It's, um, I think the worst outcome for Iowa is if they do this, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like, it would be in the interest to players, particularly underclassmen, to like, Just don't tank, but if you're up, you're, stop.

Business decision. I have a theory. Okay. Why 25 points? That's a very... Are you about to numerology this shit? Because of all those games, they won by 24 last year? Or they got 24 last year?

I think it is because, so 2021, they scored... Wait. ...201, they scored 23.4. So 31.8 the year before that. So it's basically at 25.8 in 2019. So like in the Iowa Brain Trust's mind, mid-20s at 24.9 in 2016. Like in their mind, that's the good number. 25 to 30 is the sweet spot.

So my question would be if they had hit that number last year, where would that have put them in the league? They would have gone to the Big Ten championship. No question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in terms of whether we're asking a lot. I think the things to adjust there, well, I guess it doesn't matter if we're just saying change number.

But like more touchdowns mean fewer tremendous punts, which means fewer safeties. So points are also coming off the board and fewer like short possessions to set up great punts to score more safety. So I think for each touchdown, you're losing four points worth of safety. is Gary Barta trying to tank Iowa's Ray Guy legacy Wow My theory What I hate her Is that they wanted is that

In his head Kirk Francis is like What's an unattainable number I want rid of my son Giving him And you think he's 25 You don't think he's gone if Kirk wants him gone In his mind Well he reports to Gary Barta technically

So Kirk I can't do anything No no I can't do it This is all Gary Barta. Kirk's principled and ethical Walden's side. Pause for a second. You think you think Kirk picked 25 because that's the one that gets this done?

Can't get there. Oh my God. It's the biggest number of Kirk Farrant's going to imagine. Like imagine him thinking about. Imagine him like anticipating a football game having 35 points. Yeah. What? No, that shouldn't happen.

Oh gosh, something went wrong there. Maybe. This is so this is like him. he's pulling a rumple still it's good this is when you have an eight-year-old and they're like you have all the money in the world right like five hundred dollars and you're like yes there's a much

there's a much sadder way to arrive at this number and that is that like all contracts this was negotiated which means that at some point the representative for brian parents i don't know who it is it might be brian himself sat down and said if it's 29 we walk if it's 29 that's unreasonable and we walk you can kiss my ass i'm not scored four touchdowns and then some a game fuck you buddy i'll take one of the many jobs being offered to me if you

dare me to score 26 points per game schula steakhouse is hiring for a manager right now and i will be out of here in five minutes unless you bring this down i wanted it 19 Ference Farms is calling. That's right. That's the other thing at one point. They had to go to the other end of the spectrum, and they had to be like 20. Yes.

Yes. That's an improvement by all the whole safety per game. Right. At one point he had to be like, listen, time of possession is an important stat. I know some people poo it. We're making a quarterback change. You know how difficult those are?

Yeah. We're losing a lot of. of defenders. We are not going to score as many points on defense. Um, so because I'm a bad person and because I like to torture Adam Kramer on Twitter, I looked up what the New York Jets would have done in 2022 if they average, if they average 25 points a game. You do have a certain meanness of spirit that I really like. And I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. I think it's my favorite thing about you. Thank you. Um, if the New York Jets who this year went seven and ten, if they had scored 25 points a game

they would have gone 14 and 3 see they would have not only would they have got 14 and 3 they would have they would have gone undefeated in division play

and won the a fc east walking away no questions asked EC Championship what I'm saying is if this works out Brian Ference needs to go coordinate that offense and really bring it all together. Brian Ference, Aaron Rogers, succeeding together for the city of New York like never before.

I mean, did Rogers score 25 a game this year? I mean, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I don't know. Instead, they had Zach Wilson throwed the ball to the guy in the third row every other down. Hey, he's far away. It's hard to do. Hey, you know what? Three things can happen when you throw the ball.

one of them is the guy in the third row and that's not a turnover then that's good uh to answer your question the packers only scored 25 points one two three four five six seven times i wonder if that is it yeah looking at it now iowa at scoring 25 points a game in the nfl would have been behind only the chiefs bills eagles cowboys lions niners and bengals like that is a playoff grade offense if if the ferrances can get iowa to 25 do you remember like we should stop listener and remind you that there was a time where whenever the NFL coaching carousel got wound up in the same way that Jim Harbaugh has floated this way now, Kirk Ferrence would randomly get for the chief's job. It was specifically the chief's job. That's right. That's right. Repeatedly. And then they hired like, you know,

then they brought in the most college brain pro coach who's like, who's just an absolute perfect fit for the most space age offense in all of football. And like, my God, can you imagine the alternate reality where instead of Andy Reed, you hired Kirk Farrantz. Hello, Patrick Mahomes. I'm Kirk Farrantz, and I'd like to introduce you to your fullback. You're going to be hitting the ball to him a lot. You're going to be spending a lot of time together. You know, a good way to keep you upright and protect you, son?

Hand off to the fullback. That's right. That just makes me sad, buddy. Yes, that's right. That show makes me so sad. The Chiefs for a while, we're on some serious, like, fuck point. shit they hired herm edwards sure yeah yeah uh yeah every NFL team's had a stint or two like that i think they don't usually last for decades like i was going to go but to be fair the chiefs did

for a long time so over various regimes yeah that's true that's true and i guess when there are valid ferrance rumors mixed in then i think we know what the ideology was i think the chief i think the chiefs like many other franchises just recognized that they needed a long delode period before they scored 40 points a game. They knew. They felt it in the air. They were like, ah, I feel points coming on. We need several years of warming up for this so we don't.

Points is like going to a Brazilian steakhouse. We were like, I'm not eating breakfast. No. The best offense is including the chiefs, bills, and lions is like, in Bengals. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, uh, yeah. These were deserved points. Yeah.

Then Andy Reid got there and flipped the button to green. And they just kept bringing it, buddy. When I'm full, I'll let you know and turn this thing over to the red setting. That means Brian Farrant's 100% would have been an NFL offensive coordinator, too. Yeah. See, he might have thrived. He might have. He might have.

I have a game. How many more do you need than that? Yeah, that's true. It's a game of field position. We trust our defense. I'm sorry you don't. My position is sitting up in this booth and being paid $850,000. My position is over the field.

I'm sorry. Your relationship with your defense is fractured. Mine is strong. I hope somebody in the Iowa Press Corparence is like, hey, why are you up in the booth? Well, so I can see the whole field. Yeah. Why? Why?

Are you suggesting that seeing the whole field will improve things? I'm looking through previous Iowa seasons, and the business model has worked in the past. Yes. 1885, just to pick a random year pretty much. Points for, oh, no, wait, I was looking at the wrong number. numbers looking at the defense. I take it back. Excuse me. They went 10 and two this year and I was looking at the 15.6 and I was like, see, see. No, that's what they allowed.

Yeah, but like, this actually doesn't work. There are most, I would say most at this point, college football programs have had periods. Like they've had, they're a pendulum where like they have periods where it's a lot offense, maybe not as much defense. They have periods where they lean on the defense a lot. Iowa really has not had any stretch of meaningful modern time. where it's like, oh, yeah, like, Iowa's really just gunning it on offense. Oh, no, yeah.

Like, scrolling back, if it gets much over 30 points per game, like, that's an aberration. Yeah. To create... I just scrolled past an 11.4. To create more of an, to create more of an aesthetic picture, uh, even when Iowa has a fun and gun looking quarterback, what were they scoring under Stanzy?

Oh, wow. Like, even when they have the vibes for it, the physical vibes for it. Yeah, it's 2530. Yeah, what were those numbers like? This is what, like 2009, 2010, Iowa? You have a quarterback with a headband, and this is what you're doing. Right, right. Let me hit you, all while you look that up, let me hit you with 1972 in which they

finished 123rd in scoring with 9.9. 2009, Iowa. Finish 11 and 2, finished 7th in the final AP poll. beat Georgia Tech in the Orange Bowl, 23.2 points per game. Here we go, I find a top 10 Iowa scoring season. 1968. They went 5 to 5.

They went 5 to 5. See, see, see? I understand their reversion to the practice now. It is irrefutable at this point. Just one touchdown a quarter. Hey, a top 5 season. Holy shit. 26 points a game in 1968 and 1.

26. That's all we need. I was, I think the best way to explain this, Iowa's career passing touchdown leader is Chuck Long, who played from 1981 to 1985 and through 70 touchdowns. 1950s Iowa was a fucking monster. This is a top 10 offense four years in a row. Did he get five seasons for those 70 touchdowns or? Let's see To do They're spread out over four

But it's four meaningful ones Yeah Ended with a 26 touchdown season in 1985 It's when we play everyone's favorite game Texas Tech quarterback in one season Or Iowa football entire team one season And this is this is maybe like The peak dream of what Iowa

it could be. The 1985 Iowa Hawkeyes went 10 and 2 scored 36.7 points for game. That was second in the nation and held opponents to 15.6. Let me give you the first. I lost the Rose Bowl to UCLA. 1937 Iowa, 117th in scoring with 4.5. The average game was 15 to 4.

That's so stupid. You hit 17 points. Oh my God, 1931, last in the country with 0.9 points per game. This is it, the perfect Iowa for all season. Which year is this? The 1931, they scored against non-major George Washington, and that's it. That's pretty good. This is it.

That's pretty good. Coach, Burton Ingerson. Yeah. All these coaches were auto-generated back then. That's what he. Is that when your coaching philosophy doesn't even get to like step three? What do you do? We play hard.

We play real hard. Also, that guy had been around a long time. He knew better. He knew better than the track. Never score. Man, they got fucking trashed. Absolutely trashed. Naturally, the closest loss was a 7-0 loss to Nebraska.

Iowa and Nebraska have always been this way together. Dancing like this for a long time. Always been this way together. Going to get together and play real football. Real sticky football. Oh, here it is. 1900. Iowa led the nation in scoring.

38.9. Holly, you know who drafted Ricky Stansy, right? Chiefs? The Kansas City Chief. That's cracked. Yeah. Was there just a stretch there where they were just getting the most

yay-hoo-ass white boy possible look? Oh, oh. They drafted Brody Croyle too. They drafted Tyler. Bray that's how that's why I guess they drafted Aaron Murray they yeah they did draft a lot of like hey and for a while the the draft profile of Chiefs quarterback was former boyfriend of your sister that everyone hated like that's what they were looking for man if that ain't Aaron Murray if that ain't

Tyler Bray I everybody the families love Tyler Bray not the response not the I think aunties themselves like dating Tyler Bray. No one wants their sister dating Tyler Bray. That is what I mean. I would also like to congratulate Iowa on a week where we should be talking about the fact that Alabama has hired two coordinators and Spencer, who are those two coordinators? Two coordinators, Tommy Reese, coming over from Notre Dame to be the new offensive

coordinator and return with a V embrace tradition former Tennessee head coach former Tennessee it's technically true for a month in April

or something dude I'm so glad you mentioned this because I get to go back to my favorite underplayed storyline in recent college football management history which is pension Quest

All right Kevin Steele is the other answer Kevin Steele I say all this to say On a week when we should be like Holy shit Tommy Reese and Kevin Steele Have been handed the keys

By Nick Saban Instead we get to talk about Brian fucking Ferrence Having to score Eight field goals a game That's true I like that Yeah Brian Farrantz is probably the guy

We talked about most this football season And here we are again Can't get enough heck we're talking about him right now we're talking about him right now brother commercial must be working seriously honestly exactly if a month ago we had set out and ranked the funniest defensive coordinators nick saving could possibly hire kevin's deal would have been on our list and we would have been joking yeah we would have been completely joking and it happened i mean it's also it's he does love us Spencer who turned down this job to go to the

NFL and go to the saints instead Um, another guy on our list. Turndown's a real interesting way to Frady Follary Follary. Okay. All right. That's fair. That's fair. Not in the, maybe in like the little nonsense. Was not offered. Okay. I think it's funnier if we say he turned it down.

Say, how about this? How about this? Couldn't come to terms. Yeah, that's what it is. I think he just walked in, got distracted, started fighting with his own reflection in the window. Shadow! Uh! Threat! Pounce!

I cast Pounce. I'll joke you one of these days, you fucking shadow. I hurt my hands again. It's got to be a trick in there somewhere. Play glass window, apply directly to the forehead. Todd Grantham, Saints' defensive coordinator. The NFL continues to just be the greatest league in the world. We love it.

We love it. But no, we're talking about Brian Ference. The middle of the field's open. Kevin Steele. For any newcomers to college football, this was one of the worst head coaches in Baylor history, which is saying a lot. That was a long time ago.

Now, that's only part of the resume. The resume includes giving up 70 points in a bowl game. To whom? To whom? The West Virginia Clemson game. Coached by Dana. Dana put 70 on him, brother. Gino put 70 on that true.

Yeah, attribute it of the Seattle Cahawks or whoever his new team is. Yeah, and then since then it just bounced around sort of like an ambulance chaser seeking out like scandal-plagued regimes that he can attach. attempt to emerge atop, briefly including a successful bid as Tennessee interim, by which I mean he gained the interim tag. It was also the interim at Auburn the year before that. And now is, I mean, gosh, you see the man in line for the throne at Alabama. That's not even the thing we remember him for the most, is it, kids?

That is not even the thing we remember him for most. I remember. By which I mean dads. When he was an assistant at Nebraska. and... This is in Sports Illustrated. You can look it up. Yeah, yeah.

This is not apocryphal. No, no, no, no. Riley Washington... This was in a magazine. Riley Washington was charged with an attempted second-degree murder and use of a weapon to commit a felony in a shooting when Washington pulled his gun and fired, allegedly saying, your life is gone when he did this. Which is a really stupid thing. That's a stupid phrase. It sounds like a poorly translated Hong Kong actor.

action frame. That's exactly what I was going to say. Your life is gone. Your name is translation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Make your,

American port of a Japanese video game. Yeah. Death has arrived. Yeah. That's pretty sick. It is pretty sick. He handed that, put that on the shirt.

Yeah. The guy, the guy did not die. They, when Steele found out about it from Washington, Washington still had the gun involved in it. Washington, Steele said,

and this is how you know he is an OG college football coach he said yeah you better give you that gun to me for safe keeping and they put it in the safe in the Nebraska football offices whose office Tom Osborne yep that's that safekeeping that's true coach yeah we'll put it in the governor's safe he'll do great at Alabama usually they have GAs to do this but you know yeah took a I love this resume Tennessee Tennessee Tennessee Tennessee New Mexico State Oklahoma State Tennessee, Nebraska. Carolina Panthers. And then all college from then on out. Like

1,800 different college jobs. That's just so many different allergies. The Panthers are. The Panthers are kind of low-key, like the, what head coaches are to the Chargers, assistants are to the Panthers. Like, you can find most assistant coaches who are like, yeah, I did six months with the Panthers. Yeah, we probably did that at some point. Me and the wife were going through a rough patch, so I just crashed with the Panthers for a little bit. Yeah, this is the guy that Kevin Green attacked on the sidelines. at Carolina at one point

he is a guy who I believe he has been vegetarian for over 20 years on a dare somebody dared him to go vegetarian for a week and he liked it so much that he kept going

was it Nick Saban I hope so okay that's not as funny as doing it on a dare the entire time yeah it was not Jeremy Pruitt who does not know

what vegetables are he's a good week I lost a lot of weight Jeremy Pruitt's like a dirty plants It strikes him as the most ridiculous thing you could do. How's he still alive? I don't get it.

What do you think cows is, Jeremy Bruy? Maybe he's a bird. Maybe he's secretly a bird. Whoa, what are you a cow? You're a cow. I'm not a cow. Still calling me a cow. Jeremy Burritt also didn't get this job, although that may be for different reasons. Yet.

Yeah, that's true. But no, it's your day, Iowa. We're talking about you. Because once Sabin moves along and Kevin Steele, ascends the steel throne at alabama then jeremy prussed steel throne sorry you know i i think it's also possible maybe nick savin is tired of like having to play games where it's like here's nick sabin versus one of his former assistant tool wins like yeah you know who's not going to get a head coaching job ever again you know he'll die before i think you're onto something because what is the

single biggest recruiting chip to use against sabin right now right like well i'm kirby smart i'm carby smart and I can beat Nick Sabin. Come play here for me instead. I beat my dad. You should play for me. Nobody's hiring Kevin Steele, so that's safe. That's off the table. It really is a classic Sabin, like, overcorrection.

You pair that with going from Bill O'Brien to Tommy Reese. So let me give you, let me give you the math on this. Okay, you need 10 years, 10 years of 10, or as, a state employee to qualify for or to begin qualification for a state pension in albama okay in Alabama in the state of Alabama all right and combined with his four years of prior service at Alabama which he's already been at yeah right um he has 16 17 18 18 20 dude this is right this is the most this is the most I'm my my this is my last day right I'm too old for this shit I'm too old for I'm a week away from retirement.

One last job. Brother Kevin Steele needs one year, one year of service to qualify for that Alabama pension. And brother... And he doesn't have the personality to pull off some kind of 700 club scam to make it happen. It might just be a few months. Like, it might be in October. He's like, ching, bye. God, that'd be neat.

Auburn plant, Kevin Steele. You know, I bet, though, I bet Sabin's persuaded by this, too. I bet Steele walked in and was like, hey, Nick, are we doing this? He's like, yeah, man, we're going to stick it to the man. I don't pay taxes myself, but I don't respect those who levy them. But I get a cut. Just to be clear, you're taking me out to Cracker Barrel every third Sunday. You hear me?

Brother, either. You to die behind bars or down in those minds for getting you a pension. Yeah, maybe cannot conceive of someone having coached decades. but not being like but not having a retirement plan you're not rich sabin cannot conceive of what it's like to just trust that your money will sustain you no matter how much you have because like in sabin's mind he's eight seconds away from being poor at all times just i just love this i want to know the day i want to figure out the exact day when pension quest is complete and kevin steel ascends to that of the anointed and he's like out done if it is mid-October saman's going to be like well we just

had a difference of opinions and thought we'd let him go and that opinion was that kevin thought he should go fish attended to agree yeah i wonder if this is um saving up bama for um the opposite of success upon his own exit you know like to sort of show they're like oh you didn't appreciate me I'm cutting off, son. You need to learn out of Finn for yourself. I've carried you for too long. Well, they didn't want me around all that bad, but now they're stuck with Kevin Steele.

Dude, he is the perfect ejection candidate, though, if Saber wants to leave. Because Alabama will come to him and be like, we will pay you to leave, and Kevin Steele will say, thank you. Do I get a pension? Check yes or no.

Works every time. Works. I got to. to leave to be South Carolina interim anyway. Kevin Steele, the black widow of college football. You know, Kevin Steele has one, he goes and he hangs out in like Dylan, South Carolina around where he's from, and he goes, and there's one restaurant in town in the summer when he's not working that will let him eat lunch there with his shirt off, and that's where he doesn't

eat lunch. Wait, I can't tell if you're making this one. No, that's completely true. His idea of time off is going and hanging out in upstate South Carolina. his shirtless. So interim South Carolina coach at the one place

that doesn't make him put a top on. Interim South Carolina coach really is his dream job. Look it's like he's kind of fucking cool.

I mean he'll hire a gun. Yeah, he'll had a gun for you. That's a funny one. He doesn't want to wear his shirt. Not in my shirt though

because I want to be able to pop that bad boy on. I just want the one arm, you know, the like, how? So he and

Tommy Rees are going to have a lot to talk about. Yeah. Oh, wow. That is those long car rides. Tommy Reese is going to be like, I didn't dip and I wore shirts before I came here. Hold on. What is Tommy Reese's middle name? All right. He's going to be Thomas.

He's going to be T.K. He's going to be T.K. Reese by the time this is done. Not going to be no Tommy no more. Oh, T.K. They call me Tommy Gun. Coach Reese, have you always spoken like that? Hey, Tommy Gunn. While we drop the top, go dip the bag of the truck. You old son of a bitch.

Yeah, Tommy Reese has his own line of boiled peanuts now. It's wild. Starting a credence cover band. I'm obsessed with getting a pension. He said he's going to fight the Pope He's gotten very He's gone Baptist Yeah Tommy Reese is going to try to cash out a like 70 year Alabama pension

Why are you trying to tear down a roadside Thomas Because directions are woke Government can't tell me where to go Because the steel man said so What do you mean one way? I decide which way Wolfman and I are going to go take our shirts off and eat vegetarian food

See you later Ahroo It's not a gun It's Reese's pieces By the way In case I do have one actual cool thing To sell Alabama fans on When Reese was going to go celebrate

A Notre Dame victory this year He was headed down to the field and the game wasn't quite over so he told the other assistant coach who was there who still had to call play because Reese was like yo man I'm gonna go party

oh this is I love this about no no no this is better this is better he um oh shit what was the play he had a specific yeah he had a specific play drawn up he throws down a friend a friend of ours was in the

what was in the booth right next door but he threw down the headset and was like just call duo and ran just called duo until a pack of the headset downstairs. Like, I, I, I kind of love Tommy Reese.

It's just called duo, man. It's good. Yeah. So, yeah, I think this is going to go, I think this is going to work out well. There'll be a cultural exchange of immense import. And most importantly, most importantly, the wolfman's close a day closer to that shirtless retirement. He's been dreaming of.

Never wear a shirt again. Very shirtless. I mean, in a way, we're all buried shirtless. That's right. We're born shirtless. We die shirtless. That's not true, sir. Hey.

If you don't die shirtless, your soul can't escape. It's true. You're stuck in a shirt forever. Yeah. Just gave away all my shirts. It's time. That's how we knew peepaw was ready. Listen, this funeral is a cruelty-free environment because the food is vegetarian and you can see this beautiful body.

I'll display. Shirtless. What did Nip's do in death? You're describing free-range, Kevin Steele. It's, like, I think it's more he doesn't want to be buried. Just lay me somewhere. You know what? Just set me out somewhere.

A shirt will just... Set me out with a tater salad. We'll go bad after about the same time. Graves a dirt shirt. I don't want it. What is the earth? What a shirt. What a shirt.

What is the earth for a shirt But the earth's molten core I mean If the molten court Where are we on the molten core of the earth? This is a deep football joke But I'm gonna Finally my soul has escaped its shirt

I can't wait to be the preacher At Kevin Steele's funeral So I can stand up there and be like Of all people who should understand The importance of taking a knee when you should Right? Jesus, dude He would have wanted me to remind you all.

also don't ever fucking take the paler job now please remove your shirts bow your heads and pop them open we just wrote a country hit who put it in the thing bow your heads and remove your shirts my dog and my truck and my songs about Kevin Steele's

That's what he would want. Daddy dropped the top. I got dirt on my blue collar.