Shutdown Fullcast - It's Every Warhammer 40K Faction as a College Football Team, Nerds

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Notes...  Josh Heupel now makes enough money to buy as many shackets as he likes  Another attempt (and failure) at finding the assistant coach who can finally ruin Alabama football A subsequent attempt to explain the insane universe of Warhammer 40K Bet you don't think we'll go through the entire universe to make comparisons to CFB team huh WE GO THROUGH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE STREETS NEED THIS  The Emperor protects, Roll Tide  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have y'all watched the Fox television program 9-1-1? Have we talked about this? Nope. I am aware of it from watching Fox Sports Broadcasts. That's about where I would put, I would say, the average baseline America's level. So this show is in its fifth season. It stars, among other people, Peter Krausa, who I'm pretty sure has multiple. Emmy nominations at least. And I know, I think one win at least for six feet under. You know,

decades-long body of work on stage and scream. And Angela Bassett, who after putting out nonstop bangers since the 90s, finally got the Oscar nomination for just the boring Black Panther sequel where she plays the understudy to an anti-vaxxer, but whatever, give her her trophy. She gets an Oscar nomination this morning. I went looked and 9-1-1, which is a show that I will put on sometimes, and Spencer will put on sometimes, because it's the kind of show where

they're like, it's November, let's put a volcano under the Santa Monica Ferris wheel. And, you know, sure, that's something I'll watch. And I'm sitting here and I'm like, you know, it's not COVID anymore. These aren't, you know, you can leave the back lot and go do other things. The show is not good.

like it's it's not even bad good it's not that it's not even like a compelling hate watch but it's got peter krause and angela bassett in it and i'm just like why and i i sat there this morning as i'm as i'm tuning through this and i'm like well i mean i you know there are 87 episodes in so i guess is syndication at the hundred episode mark still a thing they'll have fox syndication money and you know it's not like wardrobes a challenge they just show up and they put on their little fireman suits. And that's when I realized that 9-1-1 is Angela Bassett's full cast. In that it's good to enjoy while you're waiting for your car to put boys.

And that I'm like, everyone on the show should be doing something else. And they're not for a really long time. Sure. But everyone in here, everyone on this show is demonstrably better than what they're bringing to the show. This is like when Mandy Patinkin was on criminal minds and it was like, Yes. Thank you. Why are you doing that?

Well, okay, Mandy Patinkin was on criminal minds because he's so bad shit that nobody on Broadway wanted to work with him anymore. Sure. But that's like another three episodes. Yeah, right. But like, and like Peter Kraza is taking this very seriously. And he is pretty much alone in the cast of people who are taking this seriously. And Angela Bassett, like, she's doing like this cat. She's a pro man, but she's bringing this like Catherine Hepburn, Circa, the Aviator voice to it.

Bobby. Bobby. Like her entire, I can't really, Serber, you could probably explain this better than me, but like, you know,

you know when you fill up your entire chest and your entire head cavity to create that like operatic resonance when you're singing, she talks that way on the show, but she's like a firefighter. Are you trying to tell me that this man,

we have to find this boy, has fireworks up his ass? it yeah it's it's that level of you know Peter Krause is like clenching his jaw

and also but also he's a fireman so he's in like a short sleeve dress shirt and but that I it's never really made sense to me

and I'm just kind of fascinated with it so I will watch it whenever it's on but they realize this morning this is their full cast and I'm done hating on it they make up plots like we do

like literally they would just go around the circle and they'd be like what about and there's always one guy in the room who's like

So there's this dumb bitch. All right. So like, Oh yeah, they have a grunk. Three disasters. And there's always like, um,

some guy in the room who's like, so there's this dumb bitch. Mm-hmm. And she just got Botox. Mm-hmm. But they put too much. Mm-hmm. So she's poison.

Mm-hmm. And she's driving her big stupid car. Mm-hmm. And it goes right into a kindergarten. Oh, Tammy Taylor inexplicably narrated the show for the first season and then bailed. And they got Jennifer Love Youitt to replace her. Fuck yeah.

Is this like a, is this like a Ryan Murphy, Amy. Yes. No, like, cross-world spin-off. The only, so, listen, this is a Ryan Murphy production, but this is Ryan Murphy producing with, like, that dude that Gwyneth Paltrow was married to for a minute, not the Coldplay guy, the other one.

But I finally realized, like, this is what Ryan Murphy thinks straight people shows are. He's not wrong. Look, no, but, like, seeing it through a Ryan Murphy, when you realize you're seeing it through a Ryan Murphy lens, you're like, huh, we are like this. The Rob Lowe incarnation in particular is like, oh, yeah, there's a, sorry, there's a Texas spinoff 911 lone star. That is the one that has the volcano in Texas. I highly recommend watching just this art.

Please tell me it's airs on USA Network. It's on Fox. No, it's also on, this is on regular ass Fox. Spiritously, yes, Serber. The Texas volcano you're asking about, Jayce? Where did that appear? Hoyt from True Blood is in. There are no non-recognized faces in any of these,

and it's a combination of genuinely famous and lauded actors, and hey, it's that guys. And listen, just I, I've come to a completely new place with it in the last like four hours since I realized that Angela Bassett has a full cast. That's nice for her. Stars are just like us. What's the plot this week? So there's this dumb bitch. Yeah.

She's got a hot air balloon. Oh, yeah. I forgot. I forgot. There's a gay 911 dispatcher who is like, Ryan Murphy. This guy must have lost a bed to Ryan Murphy because this is, this is his entire voice for the. entire show. A major character gets a piece of rebar through his face in the first season and he's totally fine. The Rob Loe character has had cancer like 400 times. He might have it right now in the

show. I don't know. No, he does and he's hiding it from his son. He's hiding it, but he's treating who is also a firefighter. Yeah. Like everybody has like, you know, most characters, you're like, they have an inner struggle. And 911 characters are like, yes. I got to stop you right here. I didn't actually set out to explain 9-1-1. I just wanted to posit the theory that Angela Bassett has a full cast. Yeah, but they just show up and they just make up a plot every week exactly like we do. Anyway, happy Oscar nominations to, hopefully Angela Bassett, but I'll just some other people. I think she'll get an Emmy for this one.

She's got multiple Emmys. I don't think any of them are for this. Bobby, Michelle Yo is stuck in a pipe. 911 Monstar has one Emmy nomination in its history. Is it for BFX? Outstanding stunt coordination I know what that was I know what that was

That was the pilot Because in the pilot This is too good to be CGI In the pilot There's like an exploding fertilizer warehouse And you can see so many bodies Flying through the air And I bet you anything those are actual dudes

So the Texas volcano is in Austin Near the air Yes Which you know Makes sense Yeah That's where you put it I think So there's this dumb bitch

And she's a volcano listen she's just all mess okay that's literally the story of Pele but also can we show some respect yes Welcome to the shutdown fullcast Oh, I hear the lore horn What a lore heavy episode this is going to be But in what direction the lore horn

Will not say. You will have to wait and discover with the rest of us here on the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, joined as always, by Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk. Hello. Hello. Anderson and Michael

Server on the ones and twos. Random hello's are the best. Hi. Not random at all. They happen when you start names. Yep. Set them all. That's what people do. Totally not. Right there. Totally not a work of chaos, Spencer.

Chaos, you say. We'll come back to that. We'll bookmark that notion. No, we should keep going in that direction right now. Because this episode isn't about anything else. Well, I did want to open with one, congratulations. I don't know of congratulations to Holly, whose coach has been extended for six years after beating the University of Alabama.

I was wondering if you had me... Wait, he has? Yes, I want to say if you had any comfort $9 million a year. Josh Heiple will be making $9 million a year. I wanted to know if you had any commentary on that. This is an ambush. Do I have any commentary? Tell the cowboys.

It was too soon to come back to that after being said. Yeah, that was a big move on your part. You okay? Big swing. Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'm looking directly behind you at the... Spencer, where you tell the audience what is located behind you on the walls of our studio? Located behind me in the walls of the studio is a picture of a Tennessee fan

the toppled goalpost from the Alabama Tennessee post game after Tennessee It's a very large photo The Alabama Crimson Tide for the first time since 2005 This year He beat Bama, it's not like they're going to give the money to the school Write the checks Fine

It's that trickle-down economy Josh Hepple stops by the waggles He gets a case of Mountain Dew That Mountain Dew Can we have created anything more entertaining than the bass recorder falling directly onto a stuck pot. No, this is the Fibber McGee and Molly of Studios. I'm very happy that we've built it this way.

Are you to the box card children? Yes. Have you met Spencer? Yes. This is what happens if the grandpa never shows up. Or that one little one. Who's the real dumb box car kid who wouldn't stop eating blueberries? Listen, we've all been there.

That one just goes back into the woods. They're very good for you. Bobby Boxcar, the antioxidant king of wherever the fuck they are. Look at this heart healthy nerd. You pick up the bass recorder. No, really. Will you pick up the base recorder? I can't reach it.

I will pick up the base recorder. It's rolled. How did it roll? That and the only other, like, bit of college football news I wanted to touch on was Alabama fans have somebody new to blame because Bill O'Brien is going to be the New England Patriots, new offensive. coordinator. No.

Uh-huh. And leaving Alabama fans. Someone new to blame. Only one man can unlock Mac Jones. Okay. Okay. Who's going to, listen, who's going to roll? Who's going to, let's all pick a coach.

Uh, Danny Enos. So I'm taking. Don't tell me what side of the ball he coaches. What? Wait, isn't Danny and us already being bandied about for some other job? Arkansas, offensive coordinator. Did he take the job or is it just Arkansas again? Yeah.

You can't do this to Chris Driver. They did that. You actually can't do this to Chris Driver. Oh, my God. John Gruden. Ooh. Ooh. I know it's the wrong side of the ball.

I don't care. Do I have to pick again? I mean, they do need a DC, too, at this point, so. No, you don't have to pick again. John and Jay Gruden. Jim Levitt. Could swoop in and steal him. Who wouldn't want to, who wouldn't want to declare more over that?

Scott Leveron. Affler. Nick decides that he's becoming too much of a threat to King Bowling Green to an actual bowl, and he just makes him an offer. He can't refuse. I think Nick is going to send agents to Thailand and bring home the rapidly aging Cliff Kingsbury from the clutches of M. Bison. I do like that Cliff Kingsbury was like, I'm going to Thailand, and the NFL was quickly like, all right, well, we're just going to everybody's going to move on. Not one person was like, wait, no, stop. Come get me. But I have an offer first. One very specific community was like, no stop, but I'm going to let that community speak for itself.

And they will when they hear this episode. I wonder how, like, he didn't go to Thailand, right? Like, I offered me in Thailand. Why would you think he wouldn't go to Thailand? Why would Cliff Kingsbury lie about Thailand? Because he's a coach. He doesn't have the hips to carry a sarong. Are they known for lying about Thailand?

you know what that is actually in coach 101 it was like here's two things you need to do one you need to use a lot of jargon and two you got to lie about going to Thailand you know I believe in win land or lose land oh yeah that's not going to have any part with that Thailand is too perineal yeah Thailand Thailand is like that's that's like kissing your sister um yeah Oh, man. So he's held there as prison by M. Bison as a Thai fighter. Wow.

Is Ryan frozen? I think he's just disgusted. Yeah. No, he's frozen. Cliff Kingsbury, Alabama would... He looks so into... Oh, by Ryan. He looks so introspective before he left.

Oh, God. It would be an absolute disaster. Which is why I'm... What? Third and one. one at the goal, third goal, one on the one. Six wide. The six wide QB draw that somehow fails.

That's what would happen. I mean, Sabin and Kiffin got along great for several minutes. I think that's the reason that I know it existed before, but the only talking to the media twice a year rule, you cannot convince me that there's some sort of time travel justification for him instituting that rule as a result of having laying Kiffin on his staff. right yeah yeah he knew it would happen eventually he's like I will have Lane Kiffin on my staff

I know this is going to happen I cannot abide like his friend's foolishness he got his job as a head coach and he looked around and saw like a 17 year old name Lane Kiffin is like oh no oh god the thing's yeah Lane you thought you were recruiting

weirdly early yeah I think it happened when he saw Kiffin fire his dad and was like now I don't have a son but I want to make sure this never happened to me I can't do that. God. He does slide to Hank Hill

pretty easily if you're not careful. I don't know. Like, it always sends them. My pick for this is still Brian Ferrence. I'm just going to say that Alabama football's lost its way.

They need to reconnect with good old-fashioned grounded town to establish. Reject modernity. Reject modernity. Embrace. Establish the run. Establish the run.

What cures all of our L's? Taking T-Town to Poundtown. That's right. That's right. Do you think the tide gives up when the beach don't move after one wave? No. Sometimes that's what tides do. They go away and then they come back.

Yeah, well, they just keep coming. No, that's not what tides do at all. That's called punting. And you know who's the best at that is Brian Farrants. That's right. We flip the field. Sometimes we're on our own 20 and sometimes they're on their own 40 when they start. Oh, my God.

Jerry Jones is going to blame their kicking prowess on too many women on their periods being inside the stadium. What? The power of the moon. It pulled the ball. This is why you can't let him in. I can't, I'm not going to blame Kellen Moore for anything.

Kellen Moore's, no, Kellen Moore is a blameless angel. This is how I know neither of you is a Cowboys fan. Correct. Then again, that play looked like Boise State football ran through an AI art machine.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, that's like all the wrong lessons of Boise State football. What happens if you add one more eye to AI? What do you get, boys? Aye. A-11. God damn, it's dangling off the edge of a cliff.

A-I-I. By my goddamn fingernails. This week on 911. See, there's this dumb bitch who needs one play. There's this dumb bitch on a podcast. His name is Ryan. This dumb bitch is coaching the Cowboys, and he needs one play. Yeah, I thought that play was awesome because it got Ezekiel Elliott annihilated.

That's really set up that whole thing just to watch him get completely destroyed. As if his decline as a running back wasn't already apparent enough, they're like, no, I humiliate him. We're not winning this game. My favorite rejoinder to this play has been people who have been like, well, what play do you have in the book? Like, there is no play here that's going to get you a touchdown. Yeah. The fact that you're in this situation at all is also a big fucking problem, isn't it? Looks like you shouldn't have done that.

That's actually the coachliest thing to say is why were you in that position in the first place? Yes. Also, if you want to do something that wacky, there are there other ways to do it that don't involve one running back trying to block whoever is approaching that don't involve an entire offensive line standing by the sideline like cows along the side of a highway. not doing anything. What were they supposed to be doing? If you're going to do that, put 10 fast guys on the field. Don't just have your offensive line move to the side. That is the strangest part for me.

Everything about the Cowboys is magical. Everything. I love being down seven points and punting on the fourth of ten. Because, yeah, I mean, it's like, there is a way that that can work, and it's not a terrible call. But it is the loser call when you're like, What are you going to do? Well, we'll stop this team that really likes to run the ball. And then that's been beating our ass all day long.

Historically, how's that right, right, right? Yeah, it's just never the way to go. It's never the way to go. Take the fourth and ten. Do something like it. Doesn't matter. What a loss of the birds in this week anyway. That's right.

Go birds. For you, Penny. All for you. Go birds. Go birds. Fuck, it destroyed the giants. Spontaneously re-ranking. Brian, can we get an update on the levels of atmospheric Vikings

fraud that you've had you taken any readings today? Just fucking astounding at this. Like, stay indoors. If you go outside, put on several masks and a poncho, you'll get covered in Vikings fraud because the Vikings are the biggest fucking fraud ever. And the fact that serious football people allowed the fact that the giants barely beat the Vikings, thanks to Kirk Cousins deciding that three yards is enough on fourth and eight, somehow twisted that into oh now they're going to beat the team that beat them twice

because they'll have the element of surprise no one will see this guy like fucking get out of yeah oh wow cool the giants like 16 previous teams were better than the vikings that happens every week the cults were better than the vikings they just forgot they're the they're the one i left off the list this is an unserious sport run by unserious people There are a lot of, I'm serious. Only available conclusion. I wanted to re-rank Alabama quarterbacks really quickly in light of the new data we have, by the way. Jalen Hertz.

No, number one is Blake Sims. Blake Sims all time. Number two, J. Barker. Yeah, number two is Jalen Hertz. I think that's pretty obvious at this point. Number three is Cooper Bateman. Copper Bateman. Copper Batman.

Copper Batman. Go balls. Yeah. Number four, Jacob Coker. The legend, the god, Jake Coker. Is Tua going to make the cut? No, no, no, because number five's Freddie Kitchens. There we go.

There's our top five. SEC honk. Spencer Hall denies Ken Stabler top five Bama quarterback status. Dishonors dead snake. If I wanted to dishonor a dead snake, I'd go on hand in the dirt. Sorry. Where they won't bury it. Sorry, Kenny's got to prove it against real competition.

He's going to come back. Yeah. Now we're talking. Yeah, some people will say... Last of us, spoilers. What did Cooper Bateman do to justify such a high ranking? And I'm like, he got obliterated as hard as I've ever seen any Alabama quarterback. And that's what an Alabama quarterback should do.

Take hits and shut up and play. That's what Cooper Bateman did. Roll tied. What are you, the Dolphins medical staff? Jesus. In that case, you rank Tula pretty high. Tua at this point is more of like Mercury. poisoning Batman.

It might just be Batman. Yeah. That's all I have. I didn't have anything else to talk about. Are we done? No. Oh, shit. We are so not done.

Because this is the off season. And in the off season, we couldn't tell. We could keep talking about the NFL or we could do this other thing. Oh, man. No, we are about to take, I am warning the listener.

We are about to take as deep a dive into the dark murky depths of nerdery and dorfdom as this podcast has ever taken. That's right. We are about to discuss something that is even more lore heavy

than this podcast, even more, I think, as heavy or perhaps more lore heavy than college football itself, a sport with infinite lore in any direction. Jason, you and I have become, afflicted with a fondness

for what is called Warhammer 40K Which has been almost exactly a year? Real quick clarifying question. Which of you was first to this? I think it was... Well, I was going to say there was there was multiple avenues

and tendrils into this fandom. There's the crafting, there's the actual game, and then there's the lore. And I don't know who was first I know for years One of my favorite Wikipedia worm

Excuse me Knock off Wikipedia wormholes Has been the Warhammer lore What is the best noun for it? Repository Septic tank Because like just the craziest shit

Anyone can imagine Like the type of fanfic that people write Like this would be fucked up Yeah that's in an actual book So like I've loved reading that shit for years As far as who actually got into it into it and started spending money on it that was unquestionably spencer no no yeah but but you you were the i thought there was a specific episode right around christmas last year where we were you guys were like

we should get into warhammer next year right yeah but i think jason is the first to have the the the lore i think that's correct that my kids my kids got me into the lore and you have now surpassed your kids with regards to the craft that is correct so what is it what is it you two have cooked up for not just us, but the listeners today. I'm afraid. Thousands of people must listen to the following. You have no choice. Listen, the amount of people, which, the amount of people who asked us for a Warhammer

episode in the month since that last year's episode has been frankly shocking. Your car doors have been locked and your audio device cannot be turned off at this point. Hey, Ryan and I are in here too, so. Think of this, think of this as a Tesla. where instead of fire consuming your body, nerdery. Nerdery is about to saturate your entire body. You're being driven on fire with...

We really should have had Emily on. Because I wanted... The last time I talked to Jason's wife was New Year's Eve, and we were discussing how Warhammer has slowly swept through the dads of our immediate social circle. And she didn't exact... I know this is... I'm cribbing Bill Connolly. She didn't exactly say,

I'm just glad they're getting fresh air. But that's what she meant. That's really what she meant. Yeah. Yeah. I was just very glad they have hobbies. Yeah. It's like, well, at least it's creative.

Yeah. Yeah. At least. I have seen the artwork that you both have done and I'm not doing a bit. It's extremely creative. Like they've, I don't have a scale on which to grade this. I have seen the work that both of you have done in painting these little mini figs. It's very good.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Like, it looks like, it looks like someone, like, it looks like an artist did it. Because an artist did. Two of them actually. No, this is the thing. I just want to, I want to, in case anybody thinks that we're just going to drag this game for, I don't know, 90 additional minutes on top of the 35. We've already spent dicking around.

Like, you guys have not only dived into this in the past year, you've gotten really good at it. But thank you. This was. And I've never even played. the game. I've never seen you play the game either. I play tabletop like five times. Okay.

This is about, this is about painting the dolls. Jason, are you ever going to play the game in your mind? Probably the next time I go to Spencer's to use his new drill that can make bullet holes. I'll bring over all the soldiers

and we'll play a game. It's a tiny little... Is it like a Dennis drill? No, it's like a tiny little hand drill. Like a drum. No, it's like a, you know, it's like a screwdriver, but just with a drill bit bit on the end and you just turn it.

And that's how you make lovely bullet holes. An auger. You have an auger. I need so many bullet holes. Yeah. Wow. Make some bullet holes in your dreadnoughts just for, you know, realism's sake, because we care about detail, Ryan.

Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah. So what we're going to do today is because the streets need this, okay? We're going to, we were originally just going to do teams, you know, we're going to tell you how this all works via explaining. which team would be which faction. Did this veer completely out of control?

It's a little out of control. And we have an additional factor we will reveal as we go. Okay. And I will say this to you have, do you have the, I made a note about which order we should do these in. Do you remember that note? I will follow, I will follow your order. Okay.

Okay. Because you go through the order. In that case, we will go mostly alphabetical, all right? Mostly alphabetical. I will also say this. Amazon's about to spend a ship. load of money putting Henry Cavill in what I guarantee will be what I guarantee will be like there's no way they're ever going to make money back on this none like what we're going to try to explain here is

to arcane there's 40 years worth of this because it started as this like way to sell miniatures or they deserve because did you see the showrunners of the Witcher series came out like yesterday and said we were not considering there's it was unequivocal they're like we were absolutely not considering putting Henry Cavill back in the Witcher I'm like you I am not considering watching anymore of it then, so fuck off. So you're telling me, Jeff Bezos, at this point of his life, has said, you know what I need? A super expensive Warhammer TV series and the Washington Commanders.

Those are the two things. This is the point that I made about, I think I made on the show earlier, about the Lord of the Rings show. This thing is, it's not necessarily good. It's fucking dripping with money. It's the most expensive looking thing I've ever seen. So just to set the table a little bit, the Lord of the Rings show. universe here, 40,000 years in the future. And I think the reason Bezos is interested, because

just like the commanders, what we have here is a situation in which every side is pitted and perfectly balanced in lots of fucked up ways to just fight and fight and fight. No one will ever win. Everything is fucked up. The grass sucks. The turf is terrible. If you walk wrong, your leg will fall off. That's just like the Washington NFL franchise. It's just endless war in every direction in the grim, dark future of the 41st millennium. That's right. Just like the NFC, just except for the Eagles. Go birds.

In the fall of a, in the like waning years of a once great empire, yeah, British people came up, but this, why are you asking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pay attention throughout anything that sounds like, oh, that's kind of satirical. Yes, it's completely, completely dead on the nose, ruthlessly satirical all throughout. I will tell you, at one point, we'll encounter some people where you go, Those just sound like terrible English soccer fans. Yes.

Wait, there's terrible. They made a space army of English soccer fans? I played them, yes. I was going to say this. Wait, what? I'm betting that's what the orcs are. We will get to them. We'll get to them.

One last thing. To give the listener a sense of what they were about to get into, how many teams slash armies slash factions, whatever, are we, like, how long is this list? Right. Ryan, if I told you there are 10, would that sound like a lot? No. Not in Warhammer at one. Good, because there's 20.

Okay. Technically, there's dozens and dozens more, but we'll hit 20. Right, okay. We'll hit at least 20. I have some bonus ones too. These are the 20 you can play as without making your own rules, basically. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Great. Let's begin. All right. So, first up, speaking of Henry Cavill, let's start with that. He's a good entry point. Henry Cavill's army is the Adeptus custodies, these big, golden bodyguards of the emperor.

Spencer, can you explain who the emperor is and reveal your college football comp? Yes, the emperor is the giant telepathic, like immortal, well, not quite immortal, almost immortal leader of humanity who united everybody and then reigned for like

10,000 years and then got crippled by one of his sons and now reigns across this horrible universe and religious cult from atop a throne that keeps him alive only with the sacrifice of thousands of telepaths and psychers every single day. I do see why this appeals to you.

See how fucked up it is? Yeah. And also he, my favorite detail about him is he got all fucked up on atheism and tried to ban religion throughout the galaxy and now everyone thinks he's God. Yes. When that happens. Happens to the best of us. That's it.

So, yes, that is. And he has these bodyguards who are basically like giant perfect. genetically engineered super soldiers clad in gold who are like you know nine feet tall and beautiful but they don't go anywhere jason yeah right they don't go on the road they don't travel and they have a big reputation and they rarely back it up which is why i've decided the adeptus custodies are florida yeah yeah also their their uniforms sound really cool but kind it look really stupid that's correct they just sort of stand around in one place yeah i think i mean from what little i understand i think the emperor in this scenario is it steve spurrier i think

that's good yeah yeah yeah he just sort of sits there that makes real hard look at my cool toilet grandpa he would love that job all you do is sit there but can you see him like back and forth up and forth over some G.A.'s Toe just because he can. Like, we'll see, physically he's in the chair, but mentally he's actually in the warp defending humanity from demons. So the warp is

Augusta. The warp. So the warp, now that's space hell. And it's also the best highway through space. You've got to go through hell to go fight war in which you will die and go to hell. Yeah. And the emperor's brain is how you get through hell.

Grownups wrote all of this. I was going to say, can we write a Warhammer book in the offseason? You can. Probably. We just wrote a page and passed it on to the next person. Yes. The shit is so dark and depraved that the fandom has basically accepted Event Horizon as a prequel. Everyone is just decided. Yo! Yeah. Okay. Anyway. So, all right, comparing these factions to college football teams, that is one leg of our journey here.

I will also be calling back to a popular forecast episode. I will also have biblical comparisons for each of these. The adeptus custodies, these big golden guys with swords who stand around and they're very terrifying to look at and all that. This is, so there's this thing on the internet, biblically accurate angels, right? When we think of that, we think of like weely eyeball monsters and blah, blah, blah, but like the Bible has lots and lots and lots of different kinds of angels and most often they are big guys who stand around holding swords and looking at the throne and being scary adeptus custodies. summer major league baseball is in full swing and there's one app for you if you want last minute

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Yep. All this lines up. Oh man. He really is. He really is custodies. I can totally picture this. Also, not to go, we're going to go meta meta on this. There is a satirical Warhammer series called Emperor Textis Speech where some of the

custodies are deranged circuit boys. Very Gainesville, Florida. Very Florida gators. Good. Good. Next up One of my favorites Adeptus Mechanicus The flesh Disgust me

I did not know how weak I was Until I saw the genius of the omnis Yeah these are guys Who basically live on Mars Looked at humanity And they're like You guys are weak as fuck We're going to become robots

And we're going to worship a machine god Who also happens to be the emperor But not really But we're just going to compromise because we make all your shit everyone on mars is a half machine dude who worships the machine god who makes all the tanks for the imperium so that's how they get along and they're not committing heresy by merely existing is they make all their shit they're like deeply gnostic space capitalists yeah they're the um they're like the apple google

amazon but everything is like it's fucked up steampunk militarist and they have their own little religion that like they don't tell anyone about who the fuck is this supposed to be they're awesome my favorite thing about them is they love they love Mars they think it's the best and prettiest planet they have fucked it up with factories all the way down to the core and into space like they have turned Mars into like nuclear hell

whenever they go to a new planet they terraform it into nuclear hell Mars because they're like beautiful perfect perfect now it's I love it now and they're the only ones in this universe who when they're getting their ass whipped by somebody. It's like, this is illogical. Like, run the calculations. Like, they're getting their head beat in and they're like, the math checks out. I don't get this.

So, I would ask you, unregulated industry, right? Dusty Climb. Cult, hardcore fucking cult, that will deform itself in order to achieve what they

deem perfection in an uneasy alliance with everybody around them and all of their partners and and on top of all that their win-loss record's not that great despite all the math checking out i think i know where you're going here can i i i think i have it to can i add two details just i haven't looked at your list i think a dark red this is correct and shitting money that they don't have anything good to do with and technically proficient very very smart and crazy that is correct Texas A&M The Adeptus Mechanicus are 100% Texas A&M right down on the colors.

How does the dog fit into this? Well, I'm glad you asked Ryan, because the Adeptus Mechanicus, in addition to producing all of the weaponry tanks and equipment for the other armies of the Imperium, they have occasionally produced robot animals, okay? Or taking existing animals and made them into cyboronized. Included one that recently came out. which is like some sort of evil demonic robot horse, right? So we could have worked USC into this, right? But I'm just going to go ahead and say, robot dog, 100%. If you wanted to make Revele live forever,

you'd go to the adeptus for campus. Forrevely. Yes, forever. Miss Forreve. The Omnesei approves. He likes it when we go eight. He likes it when we go seven and five. So one other comp for Admec and the one that inspired me to do my entire stupid half of the list.

Let me read you something from the Admec credo. There is no truth in flesh, only betrayal. There is no strength in flesh, only weakness. There is no constancy in flesh, only decay. There is no certainty in flesh but death. Other than the Admec capitalism, militarism, and Gnosticism, I have just written something that could have come from the words of the Apostle Paul. No man has ever hated his body more than.

the Apostle Paul. That is 100% accurate. And it's super annoying about it the entire time. Oh yeah. And then like written lines and lines of code about it, right? Like bleep bloop, bleep bloop. I also like that selection because it reinforces the A&M thing because like Bivo is all flesh. Bivo is like, oh man, so much flesh.

Also in a sense, as the disciples and apostles reconfigured themselves at one point in there, Paul, what probably was the 12th? there's some roster fiddling going on he just he walked in he said I'm the 12th but now there's 13 who are you now I'm 12th yeah Paul got stomped on the road

I went on the middle nowhere saw some weird shit now I'm in charge checks out been to jail a few times so kick him write your letter about it So, let's see, next up we have the, I've never heard the word out loud, Alderi, El Dari, the Eldari, yeah, the Eldari, thank you. Yes, the El Dari.

And how do you know that? Only, the YouTube videos. No, I'm asking. Like, where's the pronunciation code? Source cited, okay, the adeptist ridiculous. That's the common pronunciation for the Eldari, okay? Because they use, like. What's the thing that you said?

So I consume most of this via wikis and so forth. Spencer watches YouTube videos and listens to Adeptus Ridiculous A. It's sort of a full cast of 40K. Yes. Do you even us actually consult the original source materials for any of this? Not important. Neither does anyone else. Not important.

This does sound like our kind of thing. So the Eldari, a fallen empire of kind of like space elves, right? At one point, they were great. But really like, like, you know, prone to vice. They sort of accidentally became so decadent that they conjured a god. into existence and not a good one, but like a chaos god, the god of pleasure who utterly ruins you. So in other words, I looked at them and I thought, in the game, I don't understand why they're so good, okay? They could be really great, but they were too busy just living

in high life, making all that money, being successful, right? And the only comparison for me when it came to worshipping a Graven Idol was Texas. That's it. I decided Texas was the Eldari because you know, like allegedly they were great. Never really lived up to it. Yes. Does mentioning them back to back

with the Mars sexers mean that these two factions are rivals? Not rivals. They are on opposing sides. Extremely not rivals. In a sense because it really like humanity, once the Eldar fall, humanity really takes off. So like

Yeah, it kind of goes Because Adeptus Mechanicus, still technically human Okay All the humans hate all the aliens And everyone else There's like a Tom Lehrer song And most of the humans hate each other Are the Eldari like

Freak? Like Are the Eldari back? Is that a thing that happens? No. Okay. But it's always like Sort of. That is a helpful mnemonic

Is that a narrative thing That happens in the Warham Rear? Yes. It's very much like It is very much like, well, they, man, they, if they made some good alliances, they could seize power, but like, they're just always so close. They're just kind of done. Okay. Just, yeah, they're just, they're just kind of done and like, just successful and it really didn't like ever make them any better.

Very much like Texas. No one remembers being happy about it. No, yeah. I think that's perfect. That's awesome. Um, I, I, mine is, it's pretty simple. It's Egypt. Like for, Egypt fell basically before the Bible was written. And like, still half of the Bible is about like, God, those, they're so rich. They're so powerful. They're so awesome. It just loom as this like, the memory of Egypt is just, just looms over like the first, at least third of the Bible. Um, next up we have easily one of the 10 funniest, which I'm, which is saying a lot. Uh, the astromilitarum. that is correct the astrobilitarum you need to know this the astram militarum is the main army of the

imperium they are just dudes that's it I just wanted to imagine dropping like a hundred million dude planet with little lasers that are about as strong as a flashlight and being like good luck they all I kind of like this they're basically the red army that's adorable yeah they're fighting demons gods monsters

and they're just guys wearing pants what do you do you just throw some guy named Dave at it. Like, here you go, good luck. Like, the average, the average, the average, I would make an army of all dudes named Dave. The average lifespan of these guys is like 20 minutes. Like, they don't, like, when you play them on tabletop, you have like a hundred of them. And they're like, yeah, they're all going to die in two rounds.

So these are the stormtroopers of war hammer. Yeah. A lot of them don't have helmets. Yeah, I was going to say, stormtroopers are, stormtroopers have armor. Do you know what these guys have? Pants. Faith. Sunny attitude.

great attitude right like they have some of the they they are some of the funniest stories because most improved yeah they are they have all kinds of absolutely cool shit but they're basically like if you took the red army and you just supersized it for an entire galaxy that's the astramilitarum but despite all that they're actually super fearsome like they are basically like they win compies yeah yeah they win a lot they spit at you right that's not that's not No, no, that's not what a compi is. God damn it. Jesus Christ.

The little lizards that overwhelm you. Yeah. Tell us you never read the book before the novelization without telling me you never read the book before the novelization. Embarrassing. You disgust me. Cutting. Anyways, so about my war. I said Florida was a good school.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And you said you've majored in Michael Crichton studies. I'd go to Georgia Tech and you didn't read the Jurassic Park. How did you get into Georgia Tech without reciting Sphere? I went, I went Warhammer Channel. I bet you're a Congo kid.

Warhammer track. That's definitely a thing. Spencer bad gorilla though. Spencer, bad gorilla. Spencer, very bad gorilla. Spencer, good gorilla. So the Astromilitarum are awesome. And they're really kind of like, for humans, I think the Astro Militarum are like, they're

the champs. They are the champs. Like they are, if you come back to it, you're like, I want to play as a human and I want to win the most and I want to get the most like the most of everything, right? they have the most shit, they get the most press, they get, um, they have the most numbers. Like if you just want dudes, like waves and waves and waves of dudes, okay, then you're going to 100%. And by the way, they have like actual mutants. Like if you go like, oh man, I want like mutants. No, they have like these troll size guys named Ogrins who aren't very smart and can't count to five,

but they are virtually indestructible for people, which means they last two turns instead of one. They last 30 minutes. They last 30 minutes instead of 20. If you want to win by numbers, and you just want to absolutely swamp people, you want the astramulitarum, which is why they're Georgia. That's why. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.

This one feels wrong. Depth chart. Depth chart. Everything you were saying to me just made me think of the Nebraska sellout streak, frankly. I was like, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Millions of people show up to be disappointed over and over and over and over. Yeah, but it's usually over within about 20 minutes.

Yep, that sounds right. The Georgia thing totally, the Georgia thing resonates with me because we are two national titles in, and I defy you to pin a personality like word cloud to this program that does not contain the word dude in 24 point font and nothing else. Also, let me go ahead. Well, here's a good point in Georgia's favor. They won a title and they lost dozens of people. And then they won a title. Okay.

I see. Also, how do they actually win? What unites them? Dudes. What's the other thing that does it? A man and a man in a stupid hat behind them. Threatening them with their very lives, right? And telling them lies.

We haven't heard about this guy yet. You go out there and fuck them up. I'm very excited for the White House to invite Georgia and for Kirby to be like, see, they won't even let the real elected president mean. you look at this bullshit this disrespect who's disrespect in the astramilitarum we'll drop a tank on him that's it that's totally 100%

the guard okay this also totally tracks what that one dude's father getting his finger amputated in a folding chair yeah that's very much like yeah astramitarum dude no this tracks so yeah endless depth chart generally like like win in titles astram

Um, they are, of course, they are, uh, canonically, the parts of Revelation were like a million humans die at once. That's every, every guard story is just like, yeah, we lost like 30 million guys, but we won. Um, is, is, is, is to go back a little bit, is part of the sort of like, well, lost a million dudes. Is that part of what the emperor needs to keep being, to keep alive? Oh, no. This is a whole other list of sacrifices. Oh, this isn't even, this isn't even a useful. So if you're born and you're a telepath. there's a really good chance you will be sacrificed to keep the emperor's hellbrain alive. If you're just a regular person, you will be handed a gun and told you're flying across the galaxy through the hellbrain to go die in war. Cool. Sick. This is how they sell toys to children. Yeah.

Go dogs. Up next we have, all right, so first, so to this point, we've talked about two factions. There's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's two, two, two. big factions and then a bunch of alien factions. All the humans that we talked about so far, the part of the Imperium, the big space fascist empire. The elves, they are one of the Xenos, aliens. Up next, we're going to hit a run alphabetically

where we are going to talk about chaos. And the most basic place to talk about chaos will be the chaos demons. Demons with an A, because this was written by English people. Also, you've got to put a little extra English on your demon. You're like, oh, that's just a demon. You're like, no, motherfucker.

it's a demon like oh yeah so do you want to do you want to like briefly explain the four chaos god or at least the general concept of chaos i would like to know by the way there are gods um maybe you've heard this phrase blood for the blood god okay blood for the blood god comes from warhammer for the god corn corn is the god of sorry did you say corn corn corn corn okay all right with a spell spell it please yes With a K. K.H. Because again, Ryan,

you got to put a little extra anglic on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. You could just be a demon. It's got to be a demon. Couldn't be like corn. No. It's got to be corn. K-H-O-R-N-E.

Corn just wants blood. Corn just wants killing. Corn just wants sacrifice in the form of violence. That's it. You can't just sacrifice people to corn. No, they've got to die in battle. He's only interested in blood spilled in battle. Skull thrown, all that shit.

okay yeah so that's what if you're if you're going chaos that's one of the gods you can um you can choose to devote yourself to but you have options here hear us out first yeah no you can shop around if you really just wait where where are the gods uh well mainly they're in hell is there like so they're in the warp yeah mainly i mean they and they are and they are what do you mean mainly i don't understand well you know you can be here and there okay everyone moves around okay sure Ryan, just wait till a year from now when we both have our own doll armies.

Fuck. All right, so you've got corn. I assume fructose is next. Yes. That would be Nergel. Nurgle. Classic Nurgle is the best one because Nergel is sort of the god

of stagnation of sickness. Like, Nergel is this big, fat, sort of green icon with like a mouth in his stomach. And he's... His new M and him is too far. Make it not sexy. All right. Make sure he can't busts.

His nickname on Warhammer fans is Papa Nurgle because he likes you just the way you are. Don't ever change. By liking you just the way you are, he means he will infect you with the most disgusting diseases imaginable and render it so you can't even feel them. So you're just a walking pile of fart cloud. That's how to fight for him.

Like all of their guys, all of their troops and everything are awesome because they're like, fire the like pox gun like basically they are they are the gross boy army gross this is an army designed for nine year olds who if you think like poop is the funniest thing in the world yeah like like their their leader their primark mortarian is the coolest model but honestly he looks like something that flew out of your fridge right when you open the wrong tub right like he's just boldy and shitty they they make like 30 shades of of green for the line of paint.

These sound like the Mucenex the Mucinex guys like Yes, but for grown-ups. So we were Mucinex fan fit. They did. And now there's toys for it. They'll just make like, like occasionally if you're reading a story where these guys are involved,

it's like you'll read things like Lake of Puss. You know, like just horrible gross shit. If you're a horrible gross shit person, these. That's your second option. Okay. Yeah. Good.

Your third is Slanesh. Slanesh was brought into being by the lust and excess of the Eldari They literally Like, they like literally like Fucked and murdered Slenish into existence Slenish was like, cool, I'm here!

Yo! And then just decided to keep recruiting. Keep recruiting with pleasure. And so if you're that person and you know it, congratulations. Slanesh is your god.

I'm going to leave the fourth one to Jason because Jason. Well, I'll just say Slanesh is where most of like over the line fucked up fanfic is so just don't go over there the fourth chaos god

would be my personal favorite Zinch with a T two T's is that confusing good you're supposed to be everything's going according to plan Zinch is the god of fate choice chaos

ambition and Zinch's whole thing is like everything it is or isn't or both um zinche's mastermining behind the scenes um zinster's represented with like birds that have like eyes for wings and then they don't and like just it's it's the funniest lore thing um because everything both is and isn't or wasn't or always will be um zinche's machinations so like that one of the one of the one of the like in jokes is uh all according to plan which anything anything stupid that happens you can

just say yeah that was surely that was zinche if if you've ever tried to make plans with me i was going to say this is a very spencery god yeah if i had to play the god of spencer at the airport that is correct that's for the podcast listener that is all you need to know zinch what is the wings the answer is yes it's often depicted with wings yes the god of the timeless sky yeah if you're the best part is if you're making the models and you just want to like turn a regular model and make it into a zinch chaos thing. They're just like, glue another arm on it. You know, do you have a feather?

Put a feather right in their head. So is this also for like, ah, no. What you're wearing right now? I'm wearing a shirt that says gravy. Just according to plan. According to plan. Yeah. Zinch.

Zinch kind of rules. Zinc is my second favorite chaos. I think corn is my favorite because. I think Zinch is the least problematic. Yeah. Corn is my favorite because focus. What do you want? Blood's build in battle.

Just deep blood. Okay. He's a, I value direct communications. Yeah. Corn. So corn. Yeah. We have a simple business.

It is agreed upon that corn is the one you know where you stand. Where you stand is in hell, but you know where you stand. Yeah. Okay. So we say all that to say. Each of these gods, their ultimate goal is to turn you into a demon. Excuse me, a daemon. The daemon themselves are a playable faction.

which brings us back to our little game so if I I'm going to let you make your pick first because I have to arrange I have to in my long list of things I did not pick individual ones but I have assorted factions so you tell me the biblical match and I'll rematch okay so this one's pretty simple this is what people think of when they think of

biblically accurate angels like fucked up wings and horns and eyes and all that shit yes there are angels in the Bible that meet that description, but nowhere near as uniformly and unanimously as the internet seems to think. Okay. I have for corn, it's a team that has red. It's a team that really doesn't care if they win or lose as long as they get to beat some

ass. Okay? That's it. They just want blood. That's all they want. Sometimes they go to the Rose Bowl. That's cool. But we're really just here to hurt people.

That's all we're here. for the Utah Uts are 100% corn okay good good they are 100% corn okay for for for Nurgle in terms of rot I will tell you that the space marines

the space marines corrupted most by Nurgle are the death guard the death guard are these disgusting green space marines that they touch you and you just break out into boils and shit like it's awful they're just nasty when you fight them everything goes badly they just drag you down into the muck they turn everything into just like mucinex ad just just sickness like if you just watch the football game and you go god it's like everyone forgot everything about how to use their bodies every single time

they play which is why the death guard and nurgle are pit that's it just dragging wow okay everyone down into the swamp every single game turning everything into dysfunction and ruin when you have eaten too many lunch meats that's it nothing's moving oh no

yeah that's that's pit everyone else may be like that's me to Pitt pit fans are nodding right now and they're like yep

that's us also my tummy hurts yes also my tummy hurts also my tummy hurts if you want to know people who have been

spoiled by success people who like reached a little too far. I almost had Florida as the emperor's children, but because they were corrupted. I know, I wish. Corrupted by Slanesh. So I would go ahead and say the ones that had been absolutely spoiled by this. Every time UCLA has gotten super close to success, they've fallen completely off the map, like completely. So it's either UCLA or Arizona State for one of those two. Arizona State's really good. They get an

Yeah, because they're already devils too, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that too, yeah. So let's go ahead. Let's make the Emperor's Children and Sleinesh. Let's go ahead and make them, Arizona State. And then finally for Zinch, the unknowable team, the mystery team. The team, when you put your hand on them, they disappear and become a foot.

Yes, that is to me, Cal is Zinch. Whatever they're going to do. What are they doing? I don't know. Is it on purpose? They're very, their very stadium is not a stadium, but a fault line. but is also a stadium. It's 2 a.m.

Am I really watching this? Maybe I am. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Are they going to win? It's irrelevant. The screenshot of two refs pointing different ways is at a Cal game. Because you know that Zeech has to be a Pac-12 team, right?

It has to be a Pac-12 team. That's perfect. Sure. Pick the one that's right on a fault line. It's Cal. That's good. That's good. Let's see.

All right. So next up, speaking, all right, let's get through the other. uncomfortable fanfic, the Drukari. Oh, boy. Don't go near this shit. Unspeakable, right? Yeah.

That's generally like unspeakable. Don't look at them. Don't want it. Bad history. God, let's see. What are they? So they're the evil elves. Okay.

And by evil, they are, of all these factions, are at least a little bit. Yeah. So of all these factions, they're all at least, at least accidentally evil. Okay. These people are the most intentionally evil non-gods in the entire game.

Okay. I would argue. What do they want? Just to make everyone else feel very bad. Okay. Yeah. Cool. That's it.

They're sustained by the misery of others. yeah and i don't okay yeah feeling miami here but please go on no no that's that's who i have i have see all my friends are dead that's an easy game what did y'all do to get here don't ask

the 80s and now they're paying for it that's it that's yeah like even like even the universes and galaxies that contained the dracari are like no i don't know we'd not have this program are they ever going to win again no no no not a chance because like no one will no one will ally with them they're stuck serving us slanish for all eternity like yeah it it's I know this I know this is going back but I think this then would make the big

east the once mighty elf race that is never coming back oh that's good that's good The proto elves. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, Big East. Why did you fuck yourselves out of existence? Oh, that's canon now. Slenesh showing up being like, so you like your little orange bowl, huh?

Where's Slinash from? Somewhere in Maine. Rhode Island. Province. Oh, God. From fucktown, Rhode Island. Yeah. Oh, we're adding that to mids south there.

It's called fuckton. Fuckton. Yeah. It's fucked it. Fucked. I know a couple. It's pronounced France. Yeah.

I know a nasty girl from Buckton. Yeah. Fuckton. So the biblical comp for the Drukari is the way Israel talks about Canaan. Like, oh my God, over there, they do the craziest shit. They eat babies. And it's like, I don't know, did they? I mean, they're just slander for the rest of eternity because, like, maybe someone saw something like someone was eating a loaf of bread that was shaped like a baby and now forever.

you know so uh that's king cake what you're describing is king cake so in canaan invented kingcake and the next thing you know someone on the other side of the hill was like they just made up a chaos god from fuckton road island yeah classic and then they wrote it down in a book and now everyone thinks of thinks that's uh that was the case um next up we have an exciting one the jean stealer cults not jeans isn't stealing of the pants thank you okay yep important distinction so I'm going to try to explain them as quickly as possible. Imagine if the aliens from alien could come down,

lay an egg in a person, but instead of just immediately burke them, takes over their jeans, and they walk around going like, hey, you know who our friends are? It's probably the aliens. They seem like decent people. Then they have another round of kids,

and they're all like, hey, you know who we really love? We're going to worship the aliens. And we're going to make sure that everything here is ready for you. Okay? When you come down and you reclaim it, And then the third generation, they're just like mutant aliens.

They're just like, you know, hey, finally, we finally, look, the good side of the family came out. We got you. And then you start messing things up and like, they're basically the sort of like sleeper cell, right? And I thought, well, what are the college football fans who start off? And they're like, hey, you know what? We seem pretty cool. And then later you're like, oh, no, I've been sold a bill of goods. This is a problem.

Baylor. Baylor. Yeah. That's good. That lines up with mine as well. Yeah. I think Biblius is like most of the history of Western Christianity. Yes.

This is evangelism for the last 2000. Right, right. Like the gene-stealer cults, everyone disagrees. Everything in here is a satire. And a lot of it is either leftist or anti-imperalist, but the gene stealers often considered either a satire of communism. them. I mean, a lot of it reads as a satire of religion to me, but

a communist Baylor. An important note for the Baylor comparison is this. Ultimately, Gene Steeler cults are eaten by those they worship, right? That in the end, they're like, oh no! They're here to save us. The bear with Dr. Pepper has escaped. Right, the bear with Dr. Pepper has escaped. We've made it ready for you, bear.

Right. That's good. That's really good. We've been drinking Dr. Pepper for so many years, so it'll taste delicious to you. Unfortunately, we are now sweet. Just bear dumplings. That's kind of what happens to Baylor fans. Ultimately, it's going to turn on you. Okay.

That's good. I like this game. Yeah. Up next, the Grey Knights. The Grey Knights. Okay, so the Grey Knights are a division of like the Space Marines, the Emperor's special soldiers who just fight demons. thought, what team is successful, you know, like competent, and yet always appears to be fighting

some sort of inner demon on the field, whether it's wrestling the clock with their coach who cannot manage shit or fumbling or having a quarterback who's good, but also not good, and a defense that's impregnable, but sometimes just commits huge busts. And generally, like, say, if I had to pick the space marines that were like an eight to ten win program, but always had a baffling inner fight with demons going on at the same time while they're playing and this is why they're Penn State. That's why Penn State. Yeah.

That was that was wire to wire. Yeah. Penn State. Like, because if you watch the James Franklin Penn State teams, you're like I know these guys are good but they look like shit or you go, God, these guys look like shit but they're still winning. It's more like I know that they're good

but at what? At what? Right. Like, and that to me, what would explain that if they were all at the same time while playing football psychically battling a demon in their head. That to me is what everyone on the Penn State football team is doing at all times.

We are in hell. Yeah. The demon's name's gone. So my biblical copy, I think people think like half the Bible is about like stabbing demons. There's like a verse or two. So we'll go with those.

As for the great knights, up next to different kind of knights. They're also knights, but they're, Totally different. The former, those were, like, genetically engineered big guys. Now we're going to the Imperial Knights. Yeah, so let's see. Imperial Knights, giant, ancient robots that are kind of outdated, but still good at what they do.

When they are run by these, like, noblemen who really are allied to this, like, ancient order so that when they walk on a room, they list their whole fucking pedigree. Like, there's lore about, like, the Knights walking in and being like, I am Steve, Lord of Steventon, descended from. And then, like, nine hours later, a servant finishes reading all of their, like, lineage. Like, just pompous, um, this is a robot that they're talking about? Yeah, they're, they're mech pilots who are also, like, feudalists. Okay, okay, okay, gotcha. Okay. Yeah, imagine I ride my beautiful noble steed that the peasants take care of, except the steed is a giant robot that I am also pacific room psychically.

So if the royal family was all mecks is what you're describing. Correct. Correct. So, like, ancient order still. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You just described, like, ultra-powerful mech-horse girls? Right. But not girls.

But, yeah, not girls. Oh. Unfortunately. We go to war with the army we have. If it were up to us, they would be horse girls, but we didn't write the material. And I think that everybody generally agrees the Imperial Knights are cool, but, like, they're kind of pricey and, like, you know, in terms of lore, they're kind of a pain in the ass. you know but like they would be necessary to the sport of warhammer right because a lot of people think they're necessary to the sport of warhammer as like an act of tradition or kind of but also because

they do have some cool like cool stuff and they can't be really good right saying they're the friend you don't like that much but you're like man he's got he's got a super nintendo you're saying warhammer's just better when the imperial knights are okay gotcha Notre Dame Okay, USC was where I thought you were going, but they're doing that, you see in Notre Dame are the same program. Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. No, I'm very proud of my USC pick when we get to it.

Look at my fancy old machine. I've just given Notre Dame that accent. Exactly. Like if you see an Imperial Night, you would be like in South Carolina. Taking the field, the Imperial Night, it's 40 feet tall, clanking down with its glorious. Yeah, it's just, it's not North Bend, so your accent is accurate. Yeah. yeah um biblically speaking this is of course goliath the biggest guy we've ever seen who shows

a big guy that starts talking about how great he's always been yeah big gets fucking look at my very look at my very expensive shiny bronze shit yeah and it gets beat by the usf of the bible right and then loses i mean we got to go marshal i think one little martial i mean you have a lot of options you have options yeah so a real that's 100% Notre Dame uh Next up, one of the, a new re-edition to the list. Another one of the funniest, the Leagues of Votan. Dwarves, basically, if we have to explain them. Like, Leagues of Votan are these like, they're little short guys.

They're kind of stocky. They got beards. They mine a lot. This may sound like, you're like, oh, man, it sounds like Warhammer just steals a bunch of IP from other existing franchises and puts them in space. That is correct. That's all they do. um is this cool yeah it's cool as shit because you're like space dwarves with guns that's and they have

little dwarf jeeps too it's really cool so they have jeeps yeah they have space jeeps oh that's excellent yes so um who are the leagues of votan okay so kind of uh they are are they unaligned yeah they're unaligned they're kind of their own little thing they're not really with the imperium they deal with the imperium though they schedule the imperium but they don't really deal with the Imperium? Are they powerful? They're pretty powerful. They've got their own little like lore. They're all part of their they all sort of share this one

sort of ancestral brain that has its own lore is sort of their thing. They're BYU. They're BYU. They live out in the hills. They live out in the hills. They trade with everybody, right? They trade with everybody. But they're kind of their own thing. So a lot of

beards, at least historically. These days they're not driven, I think. Yeah, like, you know, is there an Enoch in the house? 100% for VYU and... Is anyone in here named Asher? Yeah. Yeah, Asher. Yeah, Asher.

Yeah, it's that short guy with the little dwarf cheap over there. Micah and eight dwarfs say, yeah. 100%. That's Leagues of O-Tan. That's good. They're good, though, by the way, too. Like, I was like, oh, can they have to be good? Yeah, leagues of O-10 are like, if you play them, they're really good.

They're, like, if you translate the lore into the game, they really punch above their weight, right? There's the small independent nation that, um, That just hangs. No one knows how they just do, which is basically Israel, like, both historically and in the story of the Bible. Like, it does not make any sense that this tiny nation survived among, like, like, gigantic empires washing back and forth across them. And they lived in the hills and had a lot of beards. Next up, a very, very mighty empire in some ways, the necrons. So, like, think, imagine.

a space Terminator with Egyptian mythology? Yep, already there. Gotcha. I do all day. Constantly. You're there? Yeah. His name's Toby. He rules. The necrons were a race of people that lived on a terrible little world. They killed their gods

who had enslaved them and used the gods as like batteries basically. If you want to know who gets in a universe and a mythos where people get owned and racists get owned, constantly, like alien species and races get owned constantly. Nobody

gets owned harder than the guys that the necrons turned into batteries for their shit. Okay? The necrons went to sleep 60 million years ago because they knew that like, they're like a bunch of other empires, the Eldari and everybody. We're just going to go to sleep. We're going to power down because we've transcended the flesh.

I didn't mention the part where they turned themselves into terminators and lost their souls. So there's that. I just assumed. That's just, yeah. They look like terminators. Like if you want to know like they stole that. They were like, Hey, Terminators are cool. We should put them in the game. And then we should turn them into like ancient Egyptians from space.

That's really what we should do. The idea is that they're waking up. So they've been asleep a long time. They all have really deep, petty grudges against each other, like 60 million years. This isn't pit? Okay, go ahead. Okay. This sounds like that mistaken plot to now you see me.

They have an ancient, going in. They have an ancient general that they all. Freeman that that the ancient general who's sort of the lynch pin of their like is this Tennessee all right and they're starting to wake up it's Tennessee I wasn't really paying attention because it was Spencer's turn and thank once he said ancient general I felt like that was in the game of hell no sorry I was too busy thinking about now you see me as usual also you get you get to be your team gets to be the space terminators who killed God and turned him into power

Holly, this is both one of the best choices, one of the strongest empires in the game. They're often one of the best, and they look cool as shit. This is a great choice. Do they have a Navy? Also, like, sometimes you kill them. Space-wise, yeah, they have a space Navy. Great. Sometimes you kill them and it doesn't matter.

They just bounce, they just bounce. They transfer their quote-finger's soul into a different robot body. Sometimes you kill them and it doesn't matter is like the Florida Tennessee rivalry for the last decade, basically. You can't have a body factory without a body farm. There we go. That's the other thing is that the necrons, like the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

The necrons live in what are called tomb worlds, and the tomb worlds are a bunch of sleeping necrons. And I was like, well, who's got a tomb world on campus? Aye. Yeah. That is good. That is good. Publicly speaking, this is, of course, Babylon,

which was both very, very, very powerful. And a lot of the Bible is written in remembering when Babylon was powerful. But at the same time, the Bible is also terrified of the day when Babylon will reawaken and reconquer everything. And the necrons are one of the very, very, very few factions that lore-wise could win. Like if all of this were to resolve, the necrons are probably the closest thing to a humanoid that has a shot if they ever get their shit together.

Next up, extremely doomed, not as doomed as the Astro Militarum, but doom nevertheless. The main characters of the entire operation, we mean alphabetically, so it's good we're getting them at spot 15 or so, these space marines. Mm-hmm. I have several to assign here, okay? One, ultramarines, they wear blue. They're big on order and law. Like, they're literally the only people in the lore who are like,

taxes are good. Like, they're the only neoliberal space marine faction where things run well and they're all like super orderly and about logic. And they have a mythical leader that they follow that's Michigan ultramarines or Michigan they're 100% like we're going to do

things the right way right so that's 100% the ultramarines another space division there is one that is called the Imperial Fists also ultramarines is literally UM so wow just right there yeah see

I hadn't actually thought about that because I'm not very smart Ryan so thank you you dumb bitch there's this dumb bitch and he doesn't even know letters and he's a writer Imperial Fists I'm sorry what

Yeah what's the problem What's the problem I'm sorry It's not a problem necessarily Yeah This is SMU on a good Friday The Imperial Fists are led by this like blockheaded dude named Dorn

Leading a pony yeah yeah Okay who's all about about like fortify, fortify, fordify, siege, we're going to fortify. I'm going to

build a bigger, tougher wall. Are you ever going to attack? No, we're just going to, we're just going to defend.

This is a real hunker kind of program here. This is, this is very much a, we will punt and let you beat your head again. Gotcha. Also, their colors are yellow.

Their colors are yellow. Yep. Which is why that they're just yellow. Iowa is going to be the Imperial Fists, because what are you going to do? It starts with an eye. Look, see, I did the thing Ryan did. Yeah, there you go.

Iowa Farmers, Imperial Fists, is what it means. Illinois furious right now. Yeah, also like, just completely humorless blockhead football. Yes, that would be the Imperial Fists. So, the Dark Angels are this, like, they're as close

to the, like, Knights of the Round Table kind of thing. they have capes and they have their own secret little private club they're 100% of private school right where they're like we have rights and ceremonies and you can't be a part of it and you have to take us out our word that we're very successful and they have been very successful in the past but they also just spend a long period fucking off and not doing their job right um this and they love intrigue and skullduggery and generally like doing everything except the thing they're supposed to do that's why they're USC right like what should you what should you

be doing beaten ass what are you doing we're looking at my cool sword that's what i'm doing my cool sword let me do nightly stuff har-har yeah what have you done for the last decade what have you done for the last decade we've been here drinking mead and doing ceremonies yes that's 100% the dark angels um because there is a meteor faction a media chapter there is there is um that would be the space wolves. The space wolves are like moron space Vikings who file their teeth the points and are like and they are all about like eating meat and having

like jolly times in mind you this is 40,000 years in the future and people are still cosplaying as Vikings with their lives on the line. If they have a tank it's like that's the wolf tank they're like do you have a bike? They're like that's the wolf bike. Right?

What's that sword that you're carrying cold? It's the old sword, right? They're just all about sitting out in the cold and getting hammered and like having a great time and having a mostly winning record. That's why they're Wisconsin. Yep. That's 100% of baseball. That's them. The blood angels, the blood angels are very powerful and they also have a dark secret, which is that they are vampires.

I'm not going to play. No, I have a better one for LSU. Okay. This is Ohio State. Right? Because you're like, yeah, that's Ohio State 100% because Lots of protein. Name my protein, bro.

That's right. Liquid supplements, okay. Yeah. What is more of a liquid supplement than blood? The original liquid supplement. Yes. Let's see. You wear like the Space Marines faction that wears green and they're generally like

they have no interest in their own well-being other than to go compete that would be the salamanders and the salamanders are Oregon I'm going to go ahead and put them there because they're the they're the fiery guys in green

so I'm going to go ahead and put them there admittedly that's probably my weakest pick but it's the only one that comes close I can I fortify that pick a little bit these are the closest things among everyone we're going to talk about the closest thing to good guys they actually like give a shit about the people around them they have family

and like puddles the duck right put give him a flame thrower and that is that is a tremendous salamander i mean you you probably can make that happen next year frankly so we'll put it we'll put in the call yeah okay so if i have the iron warriors they are the rivals of the imperial fist the imperial fist are all about fortify no attack and these guys are attack no fortification they are yin and yang perfectly balanced rivals who hate each other uh to no end that's why the Iron Warriors are Iowa State and then I only have two more there is a bunch

I did all of them but I'm editing I'm glad you did I'm so tired the Mongols I'm having a great time this is great the Mongols basically are called the White Scars and they are just the dudes who go fast

that's it that is their toll like if you want another ammo imagine space Mongols who go fast ride bikes Is this what we want Warhammer to be yeah they're like yeah they're like do we're like what do you do we live in the middle of nowhere on this like planet full of steps and all we really like to do is get on the bikes and cut people's heads off that's it do you fight for the emperor we're really just here for the the speed we're here to go zoom that's the white scars

one more lore note is um that gangis khan is canonically a demon in the army of corn sure he's the only human from earth who is known to have made it into the 40K universe. I accept this without question. He's got a hat. Are you talking about there's no Touretto's? There's no Tourettoes? It's a big universe with trillions of people.

The demon that used to be Genghis Khan has been identified by his hat. Yes. Good for him. That's great. It's important to have a signature accessory. That's why white scars are... Be like, oh, and Bear Brian's here too.

Also, it is. probably that that that's a commissar hello I'm bear bryant for nergle the commissars are the guys who the guys who the guys in the military and we were about to die the guy standing behind them telling them to die that's a commissar brian yeah yeah okay

commissar brian gotcha I need you boys to go out there and punch that demon in the face show them what the hammer's about oh no wait no wait no wait no wait I think we're missing an obvious one that's right in front of us it's in the name not even a stayed away

pat die wow pat tie is 100% of demotee of corn lost his pants in a lake that's true die for the die god yeah the go fast team yeah the white go fast team that's Texas Tech

ran the most plays in NCAA this year obscurantists who live kind of out in middle of nowhere and if you run into them in the wrong day it's a very bad day very quickly so I would go ahead and say they are 100% the white scars. Ravenguard, Ravenguard are kind of like, I would say they're the gothiest of the space marines.

That is, considering the world you have presented, like that is a very bold scene. How do they distinguish themselves? In mall kid terms. Yes, like the most hot topic of space marine factions are the Ravenguard. They actually have beaks on their helmets,

like beaky helmets which I was like okay let's see murderous birds not really super highly ranked in terms of like how people would shake out space marine factions

right so I'm going to make them South Carolina just I'm going to take the easy bait I'm going to go ahead and hand them over to South Carolina and then

South Carolina goths that's a rough adolescence I listen our respect for hot weather goths on this show is longstanding yeah

That is a commitment to a lifestyle And I only have one more I would love if Shane Beamer shows up to SEC Media Days dressed as the crow Like just head to toe You know he's got He's got fairly prominent cheekbones Like you can see it

I can My last one is the Death Watch They are sort of the all-star team assembled to kill aliens They are literally all transfers From somewhere else So they're old miss That's it

All transfer Yeah That's good I'm really glad you broke down So many chapters And like there's There's a lot more And you can make your own

But that was great I didn't even have it on my All of them in detail on my list So you went above and beyond for those So which of these do you all play We're not there yet We're not there yet I want to make it clear by the way

If I had to put the Space Marines The Space Marines as a category That's the Big Ten the big ten they're right like like what we're our kids stocky dorks yeah big stocky dorks who would have their shoulders they're all their shoulders are like like five times the size of a human head probably way more than that way way way more than that

and they're just yeah who gets absolutely owned by aliens that's right the big tent the big tent that's an alien you'll see I've cast them carefully so the space marines at large I have them they are largely based on Roman legions so I have them as the biblical Rome just because it's like it's very very prominent throughout the New Testament this is kind of the main thing going on it's not good

to be clear the space marines are the main character and they are not good so yeah we're going to stick with exactly what they're based on up next I think one of the gosh one of the maybe one of the three to five funniest the Tao so I said that the ultramarines were the neoliberal faction. But all you said to counter that was taxes are bad. So really all you told us. No, no, no. He said,

so really all you said is that they're not libertarian. That's great. You didn't necessarily box that in. Oh, that doesn't sound like Spencer to just throw something out and then not define it accurately. Well, I mean, is it like, you know, on one hand, it's like, yeah, taxes are good, but on another hand, it's like, do you like roads?

How about this? The ultramarines are kind of like, the ultramarines are the people who have like in every poll where there's like the undecided voter right in the middle that's the ultramarines the tau is like the actual neoliberal's okay cool yeah we're just doing this for the greater good this is this is mackenzie yeah we're just doing this for the greater good sorry and if you don't like it we'll uh split you in half with a rail gun from 30 miles away that's the tau um oh that does sound nice yeah the tau are this that's just a nice bunch of boys the tower actually as a group they're probably the nicest alien race because

they'll just take they'll be like hey do you want to be one of us cool right everyone else when they meet you they're like do you want to be one of us too bad like this this includes the humans so the towel has been in humans without question without question yeah because they are they are as long as you embrace being one of them you're totally cool right if you don't they will lobotomize you they might even if you do yes they might also you might be there's this like whole sort of rumor in the lore that maybe you're being hypnotized, maybe you're being mind controlled into just this

good feeling of fellowship and being part of a community, maybe maybe not, who knows. The Tao, to me, let's see, score lots of points, kill people at a distance, right, with big strikes, right? They have, a lot of them

are based on anime, a lot of Gundam, a lot of big robot with sarcastically big gun, that kind of stuff. Mm-hmm. So, and they don't really, they make pretty consistent appearances in the universe, but like, you know, they're not like mainline. They're not like super, they're, they're basically like a second tier kind of character in the universe as a whole. Excited to see who you're going to piss off with this. Right.

But they're good. They're good. They're good. They just don't matter. Okay. Keep going. They matter less. They matter less, which is why I have them as the Washington Huskies.

Wow. That's, you know, when they make appearances, it's impressive. Their offenses can be, like, super awesome. And then sometimes they get up close to something big and strong and they die. That's pretty much the Tao when you play them. Because if you get your guys, like, if you get the Tao into, like, a melee fight, they die. They, that you will lose. But if you get, but if you don't get near them, they'll just cut you up.

Yeah, it's sort of like you look up in October and like, oh, Washington 7, no, that's cool. Who if they played? Oh, no. Oh, no. The bad stuff's coming. The Tao, my favorite thing about them is they're like the newbies. They're the newly space-faring empire, and they're still like naive and idealistic. They don't understand how bad things they are.

They're the ones I've described. They don't realize they're in Warhammer. But they slowly realize it, and they realize they have to become evil in order to survive. This is like the first 500 years of Christianity where, like, in the New Testament, the disciples are like, oh, cool, we're going to beat Rome. Right? No, no, that's not what we're going to do. We're all going to get killed, right? And then 400 years later, we're going to kill everyone else. So, yeah.

The last before our final two, one of the, in my opinion, three factions with a chance to win. This might be the final boss of the entire thing, the tyrannids. Okay, so tyrannids, aliens from alien, right, in the alien franchise, basically, another blatant theft of IP. You already use them, but okay. These are not Egyptian. Not Egyptian. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, alien aliens.

Like, remember Gene Steele of cult? Now, Gene Steele of cults worship the tyrannids, right? That's the aliens that we were referencing, right? And then the tyrannids show up and they're like, thanks, and they eat them. That's what they do. So what you need to know about tyrannists, the whole universe might, like large swathes of the universe might be made of them. Like, they just might be, they might be everywhere. when they show up they destroy everything and eat it right why just because they're hungry

they need biomass right the only way to starve them is to not fight them that's it okay they just keep showing up they show up in huge waves they're controlled by a central authoritarian mind that constantly adjusts its tactics so that you can't hurt them the same way twice all right they're fast They're brutal, they're strong, and really their only MO is continuing to kill to exist. That's it. Roll damn tied. Yep, sure. Seeing Bama week one on the schedule is the same situation everyone in this Lord universe finds themselves in

when they stop fighting each other long enough to think about the tyrannids that are on the way. Yeah. There's a biblical plague of locusts. It's pretty on the nose. and finally all right final two my faction let's go girls the only faction that has anything to do with women the sisters of battle adept a sororitus the military arm of the imperial church which is founded based on a stupid basically the same thing as the lord of the rings joke i am no man right someone said the church can't have can't employ fighting men some smart ass said well you know what we can employ then right

So they have an all-female space, murder nuns fighting corps, all deeply, deeply indoctrinated. They hate heretics more than anything in the world. They will shoot you in the face. They prefer burning you alive. But obviously, I play a sort of a spin-off chapter. We're dabbling in heresy ourselves. But, yeah, my favorite, I love all their lore. And they're like vessels are.

Churches and organs and shit? Yeah, well, so they have, here, let me show you it. One of their vehicles is this, it's sort of like a rolling pipe organ that shoots missiles from, Spencer got me this for Christmas. It shoots missiles from the pipes.

They're like, space landing, landing vehicle is a cathedral that falls from space. And then they start deploying out of it and shooting shit. Okay. Everything they have is like the most over-the-top satire of Catholic.

you can imagine. Okay. Skulls everywhere. Yes. Yes. So let's see. Jason, I also remember you telling me at one point that they are like the most enthusiastic, like enthusiastic martyrs is not even the word for it.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like dying is a sacrament? Yeah. Like the Astro Militarium, if you say you're going to die today, they say, okay. You tell the sisters are going to die today? They're like, fuck yes.

Yeah. That's it. They're only superpowers. Yeah. their only superpower is belief right so let's see yeah yeah it's it's they're like the military um that those are just guys and pants there's just ladies just walking around and believe and achieve is the entire motto really shouldn't be here in terms of power right in terms of size and power a religious fervor second to none um occasionally visited by the uh inspirational

spirit of somebody with long flowing hair who leads them to greatness before departing all this is mean this is mean-spirited of you we like the space nuns all they all they got is belief all they got is belief you may not believe in little old sisters of battle do you know how Matt actually you know what I take it back you're calling Clemson Catholic and that's extremely funny and you're calling them girlie

yeah we've built this faction in the name image and lightness of the Lord. You're also calling them sincerely committed to their faith, which is funny in its own way. You're saying they actually give a shit about any of the stuff they talk about. Clemson University, that all-Catholic girl's school. Clemson University!

You are the sister's battle. All in. Let's go. Okay. In biblical terms, this is Deborah, a woman who shows up in a long story of men and just kills all of them because they're not godly enough. Y'all, come on down to nuke spring. And finally. We've saved the best.

We've saved the best for last. It's time. First of all, first of all, before you reveal the name, I want you to make the noise. What is the noise that this army makes? Wow. You got the fighting warios? Yes. That's a, yeah.

I chose the most. You've upset the dog. That is right. That is right. Jason has led us. the primrose path into the most anarchic of all factions the orcs the orcs are without reason when the tau are cataloging species as they begin to explore the universe in their spacefaring phase they encounter different people humans sure be part of the tau um you know el dari sure be part of the tau they encounter orcs and the or and the tau attempt to said emissaries to the orcs and the orcs um are ultimately judged to be without worth as they will not compromise and keep

killing everybody the Tao sent like would you like to parley and they do this like three or four times before they're like no they have no value all they want is loot orcs are green they are huge they are a devolved species from a much larger and more evolved

species that beat themselves into stupidity they are innumerable they are a fungus that you cannot kill that becomes that manifests itself in the form of these giant unstoppable green people who really all they want to do is collect teeth which are their currency and they want loot and then they want to get a good crump in you what you have selected the philadelphia eagles

this is your army sir if we could not if we were doing the NFL first pick green uncivilized and respect only strength like literally like the orc system of government is are you the biggest one. Yes. And it's like, yeah. I'm just like a Pennsylvania senator. They elected the largest guy.

He must be the smartest. He must be the one. He's the Jason Kelsey of politics. I love him. I don't say why we can't conscript the Eagles for our purposes. Sure. Like the eagle, like I have a, I have a college football pick and we will get to

that in a second, but let me make it clear. It is not as good as the eagle pick, okay? Because you know what the orcs? would do, they would throw batteries. They would see Santa, like they would see Santa Claus and throw batteries at him. They would see Michael Irvin potentially paralyzed on the field and go this good, good combs.

That's what they would do, and they would applaud it. This is 100% an Eagles fan. But we can't use the Eagles because we're doing college football. So we got rules now, huh? So if I had to pick the one that would be, that would conquer everything

if they weren't too busy beating each other's brains in, if I picked the ones that literally looted on occasion when they came and drank every town dry if I had to pick the ones that you would at least want to encounter in a melee battle

who are invulnerable to everything but their own foolishness that is right I will go ahead and take the LSU Tigers as the orcs of college football

they would conquer everything if they could just stop beating each other's brains in correct me if I'm wrong maybe this is another fact that you've told me about. Because I want to emphasize this podcast is not the only place by far under which any of us talk to Spencer about Warhammer, whether we want to or not. But are the orcs the one who, through the sheer power of belief, can make something happen, like can make a broken weapon work or something like that? Do the space breathing metaphor, because that's what made it work for me.

So, like, yeah, they're each a little bit psychic so that if they all. believe something it will 100% become true to me the lSU correlative on this is saturday night right like we all believe saturday saturday night saturday night yes yes which you know like every every color football fan base is like saturdays are special here but like lsu fans all believe at once like no this planet monically possessed and we have given it power simply really it's just extra extra moist right and they might be right right the thing that the illustrated the illustration that holly's talking about is that at one point orcs are working on a spaceship because sometimes orc spaceships have decks and by that i mean

observation decks where they could just walk out into space and look around and they're just hammering on the outside of this spaceship and suddenly an just a patio is what you're just a patio right yeah okay got you which again very ls uvian spaceship with a drop top right and they're just cruising around and one orc from another ship comes over wearing a space suit and goes, hey, why aren't you guys all dead? And all of the guys working outside immediately go like, and die. Because doubt has entered their mind. Because doubt that, it was fine. Like Wiley Coyote looking down and realizing he's not standing on a cliff. Which, if you want to explain any LSU team, right, you're like, how did they do that? You're like, they didn't look

down. They didn't look down. Yeah. They didn't look down. That's going on the DVD cover. So the biblical corollary for the orcs, of course, let's see. We have definitely not afraid of conflict, sent by a very mysterious power to Earth in order to begin doing these conflicts. When this thing is killed, its body has these powers and these essences that can be transferred into another body. And actually, if you kill it, it's just going to come back. So the orcs are Jesus, of course. Jesus was very good at a tailgate, so Yeah, this tracks.

Jesus was an LSU fan, it's clear. Flipping tables. And we're back to the Eagles. Shit. So that's it. All right, page two.