Shutdown Fullcast - Jetski Police Academy

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

 - Jetski crimes, again  - But different jetski crimes, this time  - Playoffs, sure, whatever   - Ryan makes Holly cry, not for any of the usual reasons  - Any of y’all ever try fishing with a Taser? Please let us know Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Ramp.m.p.com slash easy. Currents issued by Sutton Bank and Celtic Bank members of DIC terms and condition supply it's a multiple glitch forecast the rarest forecast of them all rarest rare is a relative term I guess I guess the rarest is a glitch free forecast right but like why why dream of something that can't happen oh can you hear us yeah yes wait now now everybody but Spencer can hear us yes so are we up it says a triple glitch triple glitchter this is our first triple glitch night.

I can't believe it took the full cast haint this long to disassemble our fine audio equipment. What, first in a while? Spencer, is yours plugged in? I think that would help. Is your headset plugged in? Because here's the end of it. I think that's probably why you can't hear.

Yeah, Spencer's headset. That's a glitch. That's not plugged into his headset. And he's yelling at, he's just yelling into an empty pair of headphones that you can't hear. It's a metaphor. Hey, Jason. We're counting that is. Yeah.

We're counting that is. This is my favorite. That's glitch number four. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. The cat got so mad. You see just getting madder and matter. That's too bad because... Spencer, is that your longest welcome yet?

Yeah, that was my longest welcome. You know why? Absolutely enraged the sleeping cat. You feel like you're building up really strong cardio? Is that what's happening here? That's what's passing for cardio and quarantine, buddy. That's what we're talking about. That's also the extra long one for all of the massive content,

all of the quality content that this, the internet's only college football podcast will provide you with tonight because... Speaking of quarantines, let's talk about Nebraska football. Yeah, deciding Nebraska, not going to a bowl. They've decided to opt out. But, but, but, but. but but they brought football back yeah and now now like now like like the buddhist master meeting the buddha and killing the buddha they've decided that they're going to go ahead and take that which they have brought back and ended oh like when they tried to bring back the black shirts and they got waxed i think nebraska's made their point they definitely have they have made their point that is so true jason kirk they haven't made many points but they did make their point but they did make their point which I am not

their single point they definitely made a point oh shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger any Nebraska fans mad about their team's offense and on Scott Frost Day 2 I apologize Ohio Wesleyan do you know what their name is in sports their

nickname the Dred Pirates The Westlands The battling bishops I truly have not have gotten it Wait so it's like a literal dick swinging contest I think that's correct, yes. Cool. Or like chess where you've lost most of the pieces.

And I believe they are the only bishops. So, like, they're just leaving no doubt there. You know, they're not, like, separating themselves from other bishops. They just straight up. So according to legend, Santa Claus was the original battling bishop. The story of Santa at the Council of Nicaa in 325, there's a story of Santa just walking up to a heretic and slapping him in the head. Damn, Santa.

What did the five fingers say to the face? If you want to find this story, Google the words, I think it's Slappy Christmas. You can find it. Oh, we need to bring that back in this house. Slapy Christmas. Oh, Slappy Holiday. Google Slappy Holiday, and you can learn all about it. Stand under the mistletoe, and then I'm going to smack you across the face.

More like fistletoe. Ooh, yeah. It's a little gross. Wow. Damn. Anyway, Merry Christmas. Spencer, you were saying. was I?

I was saying Speaking of people who know if we've been bad or good I was saying that I didn't really think that South Carolina should be involved at any point outside of Clemson and Coastal Carolina Wait wait wait stop Holly just revealed that Santa Claus is a playoff committee That's his job he decides who's bad and good

Oh my God His whole thing is like don't work I've watched all the games all the time. He's a one-man playoff committee. But the playoff committee, their job is to know who's good. They don't know shit about who's bad. But they have to know who's bad. They have to know who's bad.

Playoff committee has not ranked Kansas, FIAU. They have not ranked UMass. They haven't said shit all year about Bowling Green. But after you don't know a damn thing about who's bad. If you're not, no, but they have to know who's bad because that's how they can discount Cincinnati and Coastal Carolina. Their wins. Those are wins over bad teams. That shit don't count.

I think it's more that their wins are just not good. That's bad. No, they only acknowledge the binary good or doesn't exist. Does the rise of the prosperity gospel mean that even at a religious school, it's impossible to be good for goodness sake? Wow. God damn. What up, Clemson?

Yeah, this is actually, if the playoff works like Santa works, then here's what's happening. If you're wondering if that was a new spring joke, yes, yes, it was. So Holly and Jason, you've both been really good all year, right? And Ryan, Ryan's just, Ryan's been pretty good, but Ryan hasn't been as good as you. You better watch out, you better not cry, it's fine if you lose to Clemson by 24, you'll get in the playoff anyway. Correct. I don't even a scam.

That's the point. The playoff committee doesn't care about scanning either. Either did Ian Book because he didn't really have a whole lot of time back there. Yeah. Didn't really get to do a lot of reading. Yeah. You better watch out. You better play games than a Power 5 conference or nothing really counts.

So we suck at this. So we suck at all of it, Holly. It's a triple glitch full cast. Nothing's going to work. so Holly and Jason have been really good all year and Ryan's been pretty good but they've been a lot better again what the fuck where are you getting this information so at the

oh this is fiction okay thank you so at the end I'm sitting here and my gift is going to the people who have been the best which are obviously by by data by number Jason and Holly and that's why I'm going to give it to Ryan thank you you better watch out

if we're going to do this you better watch out you better watch out you better watch out i mean that kind of scans you better watch out you better not cry it's time to talk about the buck eyes i have a christmas themed i have a christmas themed version of our take the old records off the shelf story that was good to be by my mother apparently as a child i would do spencer can you start singing rudolph the red nose reindeer and i'll explain what i used to do as a kid just rudolph the red nose reindeer reindeer had a very shiny no reindeer and if you ever saw him rain deer you would even say it glow reindeer all of the other reindeer reindeer yeah it's better that way it's better that way thank you I feel like it really

gets the point of the song across but it's almost like it's almost like me and and seeger and those old records on the shelf were meant to find each other wow yeah also I don't know how I was not murdered in my cradle so you can you can do that's pretty much by the way i think relevant to what we're talking about because whatever you're saying i just sing notre dame back at you right rid off the red nose reindeer notre dame lose by 24 to clemson irish yeah that's you were getting that yeah you were getting that no matter what this was like when dad decided you needed a tie for christmas hey dad what i'd actually like it's like you know i'd like a super n-s that'd be good you're getting a tie no they didn't tie they were several points short of tying

dads get ties yeah that's a great point by jason there yeah hard to dispute they were many many points shy but maybe maybe you demonstrated that you couldn't hang on the field yet again with the top four or five best teams in college football and also i wanted nes and football dad says no you get a tie did not get you in nintendo for Christmas and that's what this is all about. Notre Dame got me Notre Dame for Christmas. And you know what I didn't want to see more of? Notre Dame losing by 24.

Why don't you want to see that? Yeah, I thought it was great. Jason, you're right. Man, I'm still going to watch it. I'm still going to watch it. Who actually, by the way, wanted a rematch of Notre Dame Alabama? The answer, I'm, I'm, no, it was me.

I want to see. it again. Well, the only other option was watch Clemson, Notre Dame again. Rainier. Or, I guess, maybe jump Ohio State to, yeah, that would have been funniest, actually. They should have jumped Ohio State to number one. They should have said Ohio State won its conference title by more than Bama did. So Bama slides to two, Clemson 3, Notre Dame 4. Reindeer. Reindeer. This is the, I believe, the opening line for this game. and Jason you being the most informed among line watchers

the opening line for Notre Dame Alabama is 17 and a half I believe it has since gone upward what's the sit in at now last I looked it was 20 20 I think the line you're looking for here it's not even o wah a a ah ah oh that just drove the cat from the room

Oh, 19 and a half. Notre Dame came back. Claude back. Irish money on the Irish. The ghost of Regis Philbin is back in his boys. That's ever the ghost of Regis from the dead.

That's what ghosts are. Yeah. 19 and a half, the largest line in playoff history that is a relatively short history, but still. Yeah, somebody had to be number four. It was going to be about that no matter who the number four was.

So I think it's good that it's Notre Dame for, you know, a few reasons. We'd like to see Sincy in the playoff, sure. But do we want to see Sincy lose by 20-something points? Not really. Oh, we also forgot to mention. Notre Dame and Bama get to square off where? Is it the Dallas Rose Bowl? The Rose Bowl in Arlington, Texas.

as the sun sits behind the Walmart across the street what an amazing like I will give college football this it decided that selection Sunday if it was going to be stupid at the top and frustrating at the top it was going to go all the way like the hits did not stop coming no they built they built this whole plane out of stupid like i i was i was texting with a buddy who was like oh my oh wow you see you see indiana's playing old miss in the outback bowl a real thing that is happening and then i said that's hilarious and then i said no wait mississippi state playing in a bowl game is the most hilarious thing

i've seen today and then a half hour later i said no wait south carolina playing in a bull game is the stupidest most hilarious thing i've seen all day stuff to win south carolina South Carolina fired their coach and the two teams. South Carolina beat fired their coaches. They're in a bowl. Army, nine win. Not in a bowl. There are two bowls named after the army.

Everything is going really well. That contamination pattern for South Carolina is damn impressive. That if you touched South Carolina this year, it instantly killed you. You just got great scale. And like now they got to play UAB, the team that's already like died once. are you saying they got gray scale and now they got to play a dragon yes that's right maybe this worked out we considered that because that that might have worked that's also by the way like putting ohio state in i understand that they really had a very difficult matchup in a slow

obstinate and plotting northwestern team that was determined to make everything as difficult as possible and did it really makes it even funnier that they couldn't even do that and shoehorn ohio state and have ohio state go along with it nothing cooperated this weekend nothing cooperated whatsoever should have had USC finish off as the pack 12 champions they're obviously the best team they obviously had the best record they should have come into that game and they should have played Washington but Washington had COVID issues so the pack 12 being the super sensible team that it is said oh we'll just put the second team in there just put Oregon in there because there's no way USC will lose to Oregon USC lost to Oregon and Oregon the second place team in the pack 12

north is the champion of the conference it's incredible but who's but who's ranked higher in the playoff top 25 you go off USC number 17 Oregon Oregon just just barely crack in the bottom at 25

holy shit you look you look up and down this top 25 and it looks like a poorly loaded bus where you're like oh that shit's gonna tip they're gonna take one hard turn

and that that fucker is tumbling down a mountain you've got 10 and 1 BYU right next to five and 1 USC fucking oh Jesus

and like what a stupid year yeah I mean it just it's so many so many discoveries

throughout the rankings san jose state goes 7 and 0 beats boise state pretty convincingly in the mountain west championship game what do you get

for that sandwich between seven and three Oklahoma State and 8 and 3 nc state thanks for playing guys

have a great day USC's best win is Arizona State 3 and 2 Utah Oh 3 and tutah Can we talk about the Utah This is the only game

I actually want to talk about Okay So So So Utah beat Washington State To close the season They

trailed in this game 28 to 7 At the half But then Washington State did some amazing shit. They started out the second half with three straight, three and outs. Utah scored a touchdown after each one of them and immediately tied the game. It did not get better for Washington State because after another punt, they then turned the ball over on their last four possessions. They got outscored in the

second half, 38-0, and they lost by 17. A game that they were winning by 21 at halftime, they got fucking blown out it was amazing to watch it was in my mind the true pack 12 championship washington state is the pack 12 champion for for forgiving me the most 2020 football game possible that was it thank you fair enough see i thought you were going to say old miss ls u which yeah that's a good one too that's also the pack 12 championship that's that's you know what yeah Okay, LSU can be back 12 champion as well. Because because that game with Old Miss, I believe, trailing massively at one point,

the rain kicked in and Old Miss decided to begin running the ball with the threat everyone really knew that they should have started with, the obvious running threat. That'd be quarterback Matt Corral. Here's my favorite stat from this game. At one point, Matt Corral was the leading rusher for Old Miss. And he finished as the leading rusher for Old Miss, running for 158 yards on 17 carries. Matt Carrell also, at this point when they really decided to start running him, had five interceptions, five.

I think this was early third quarter, meaning the hypothetical 10 interception game was on the table. If they just kept winging it, it was totally there. Yeah, at one point, they were down 34, 21, Old Miss clawed back. The rain kicked in. Everything got super sloppy and stupid. Just an incredible mess of a game. Kishon, Boutte, goodness. He had 300 yards receiving.

Which is unreal. I know you're playing Old Mrs. Defense, and they're mega bad. By the way, that's DJ Durkin. But he has so many other redeeming qualities. DJ Durkin. Spinning on the ones and twos. And also having the worst defense in the conference. And that says something because I watch a lot of Florida defense.

Old Miss is much worse. Much, much worse. But at least there's all those personal vouchers that you can pick up for DJ Durkin. Like his skill in management and is concerned for player safety. Yeah, DJ Durkan and Bo Polini definitely guys worth overlooking personal failings to hire. And paying a lot of money to as well. Yeah, a lot of money. I think that's my, you know, guys, fortunately, there's nothing else that we can hold up this year and say there wasn't even a shitty reason to do this.

Sure. Yeah. I'm glad that these are isolated, isolated personnel matters. By the way, I was mad at Florida, for let Max Johnson have, you know, 240 yards passing or whatever and, you know, a TD. I don't know what I'd be as an old Miss fan because they let him throw up for 400. 135 yards and three scores as a freshman counterpoint nothing matters this year nothing perfect game Alex McDaniel had my favorite line on this which is about halfway through the game when all the other games started to become lopsided and complete blowouts believe it was Alex McDaniel on Twitter

who said what do we tell everyone switching over to this game what they're watching do we tell them what do we say I just like that everyone wandering over to this game no one okay you know when Two-Face is in the hospital bed in the dark night, and Heath Ledger kind of sidles up to him in that nurse's uniform, and Two-Face rolls us over in the bed, and Heath Ledger's like, hi.

That, that exact tone. Just like somebody finding you at the lowest point of how you actually live and don't want other people to see, and just going, don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone. Are you looking at the number of tabs I have

open in the... this public shopping cart no no because i'm not going to look at you and and judge i'm still stuck on helen rosner's idea of serving a bowl of flaming hot chitos at a party and applying edible gold leaf to like three chitos in the bowl and just never commenting on it you got the golden chito now there's nobody here so i can always get the golden chito i'm not dying of loneliness you're dying of loneliness. Here's sports. Speaking of never being alone.

Old Miss LSU, no. I wanted to update everybody before we really put a fork in the playoff rankings. Goodness! They put NC State ahead of Oregon. Sure, why not? Yeah, you're caught up. Why not? What? Oregon didn't even

win the fucking division. NC State won. Insie State played like a 100 games. NC State worked hard for that number 22, 23 ranking. NC State played an NBA schedule. It played 72 games. They did things like, oh, yeah, listen, we need an off day because we're going back to back. You joke, but Brett McBerfee on Twitter today was like, yeah, I think it was BYU and Liberty had conversations about playing in multiple bowl games.

like that's a thing that that oh wait i misread that i thought they meant that they were talking to several different bowls about joining that bowl no no i think i think what i think what was suggested there because both are playing both are playing in a bowl game b yu is playing in the boca roteone uh bull against ucf liberty is playing uh undefeated coastal carolina in the cure bowl and i think what he's saying is that liberty and b yu had gone to other bulls or other bulls had reached out to them and were like hey how would you feel about a second bowl game why since when does liberty believe in health care nobody said they did i'm wondering if they know where the cure bowl money goes oh yeah what is georgia doing up oh god i can't look at any of this if there's

i'm just saying if there's any school that is pro breast cancer it's liberty the raging cajans are Still, nine spots behind Iowa State. But this is what I'm saying. Spencer, why doesn't that make sense? That would mean this, you're saying this like those teams played. Counterpoint, they did. Spencer, yeah. We canceled all non-conference games this year.

So there's no way we can compare two teams from different conferences. Iowa State is in a power conference. Is it worse that they watched all the games? They shouldn't say that. They should not say that. This is it. This is the solution. Are you Jeff Long, Kirby, Ho Cut, Gary Barta types.

They trot out every year to blurt at Reese Davis? Yeah, y'all need to start saying, well, the committee watched none of the games this year. Someone told us what they look like. Yeah. You know, we asked some people. Instead of eye tests, we went by, like, rumor test. You know what? these folks are going to have to answer one day to the ultimate i test my favorite part about this

i'm just interrupting my sermon all right go ahead my favorite part about this is how um this year for whatever reason ESPN has decided to play the role of shame on the playoff committee how dare the playoff committee which is kind of like finding out your son has been um like spin kicking kids at school and being like oh how could he you are the one who put him in karate class repeatedly you did that shut up yeah this is that is by the way of course

that's the espn going you know it would be real cool an eight team playoff what no no no Bill Hancock said that would never happen and everyone keeps saying he's a very nice man

again somebody should just ask the next time that man gets gets anything be like how much do you love rubber chicken Your whole life is about getting a rubber chicken, getting invited to a banquet, so something could be like, you're real nice, read these three things, take a bullet for us, say some nice stuff, do the thing that PR people do, and get that plate of rubber chicken. Will there be creme brulee afterwards?

George Schroeder said this to me like 10 years ago, and I've carried it in my heart ever since. I am absolutely convinced that Bill Hanstock's dog is, or Bill Hanstock, sorry, Bill Hanstock. Apologies to Bill Hanstock, who does not listen to this program. that Bill Hancock's dog is named dog. Oh, 100%. Meet my son, boy. You're doing his voice like the middle son and Muppet Christmas Carol? Yeah.

The one who's like, it smells so good, mother. That was a terrifying, Miss Piggy. Thank you. Miss Piggy and I have a lot in common. You know what? Sports. an old tweet from Christy Dash. Bill Hancock

does indeed have a dog named dog. There's a dog on his desk with the tag dog. Wait, what? We don't make anything up. Oh my God. We've never told a joke. Wait, is Bill Hancock biblical Adam? Like, Adam

was asked to name all the animals, right? I was just going to suggest anyone near Bill Hancock and the sound of our voices, poke him to see if he's missing a rib. Jason, which side is it on? It doesn't say. Okay. See if he's got a squishy side. Squeeze him.

He'll say, oh, my! Listen, if he cared about social distancing, he wouldn't be in a hotel ballroom in Dallas. It's fine. Just do it. I would not, by the way, put it past any

of them to just to insist that they'd actually I how many games I think they watched like three games no I think they watched all of them and it's just like you can just say they know they can say whatever they want

yeah like man why try just like seriously they should just send out who'd be their worst spokesman that's all right their worst spokesman's Gary Bauer I was like how this is not their worst spokesman is the one they have

Like, I think they picked the one. You think they're just going around and Barry's like, hold on, watch this. Hey, you start. He's like a Teddy Ruxpin and you pull the string out of him in the back. You just, the minute, I think they just picked the one. They pick the one. They're like, hey, go get the guy who gives us drinks. So they go and get like the 22-year-old intern who doesn't know any better.

And they put him in a chair. Let's call him Chad. Okay, so Chad gets to sit in a chair. And they're like, hey, we're going to start talking. And Barry starts talking. He's like, this dude makes sense. And someone else starts talking. And they're like, yeah, this guy makes sense.

Our Slocum talks, and he's like, whoa, hey, Tex. And then Gary Barta starts talking, and instinctively, the 22-year-old is just like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I cannot stand the, God, you fuck. Does Gary Barta's continued presence in the playoff committee mean that this kid just starts bleeding from the eyeballs? Yeah.

And in the corner, Kobe Ho-Kut's like, hey, hey, guys, it happened again. Can we get a replacement body? Yeah. We're going to need new Chad on seven. Yeah. they pick whichever one get something in a kevin this time they pick whichever one inspires the most kind of like blind rage and they go that's it that's the one barry did it again barry garter yeah just barry alber was putting up the most annoying guy being like no you're you're the one you can do this gary bard is like it's because of my speaking skills right he's like if andrew luck had had the right allergy meds

is the closest thing I can come to. Yeah. I think they put, yeah, I think it's just the biggest dork because, man, Jeff Long doing that shit for three years. That set the tone. And the tone has been maintained ever since he left. You know what this is, though? This is jock on nerd violence.

Because it's all these coaches who used to be football players going like, oh, man, let's put the nerd out there. Let the nerd take the hit. Not just let's put the nerd out there. let's make the nerd explain our jock decisions they need yeah which he can't do it all no uh so Seth Galena has pointed this out and I've noticed it every single time since they always praise Iowa State's running game like they are the committee is astounded by how good Iowa State is notes well like each week each week when they do they've done it for a month or two but basically the entire time they've been meeting this year they each week they praise Iowa State's incredible running game Iowa State ranks 16th in rushing success rate. Like, it is nothing special at all. But for some reason, it is just won the committee's eye.

I just realized something. This is like they're doing what we do with Bill Connolly, only they have to do it on television, and we just have to go on regional radio. They're all copying off somebody, except they don't have anybody smart to copy off, right? Right? No. Because they sound like all of us memorizing Bill's preview and then going on like Louisville radio to be like, oh, yeah, Bowling Green. So I think they actually, here's, here's my conspiracy theory.

I think the playoff committee said, oh, we're not putting Cincinnati in. We're just not doing it. We're definitely not putting Coastal Carolina in. We know they're undefeated. We know that they've played more games than some of the playoff teams. We know that some of the playoff teams don't necessarily have significantly better strength of schedule or haven't like necessarily done better, like, done eons better on the analytics. but we're just not doing it so what we need to do to give ourselves cover is fill the rest of the top 25 with bullshit as well like it is amazing that iowa state played for its first conference title in like a hundred years and through playoff committee fuckery everybody's pointing at iowa state and being like how dare you how dare you how dare you how dare you high on the hog fuckers take from the less fortunate once again

How dear the elite Iowa State Cyclones fuck with Coastal Kara? And it's just like, it's such a masterful job because you look up all up and down. It's like, yeah, it's all made to get you mad. It's all made to not make sense. It's a beautiful job of smuggling in the base fuckery by surrounding it with more fuckery. Okay. The hog fuckers. Y'all see Brett got a job.

Hey! Congratulations. Illinois. You're going to be writing some checks for more boats. Live from Brett Beelam's car. It's... We're not making that. That's what the header

on the announcement said because he was FaceTiming from its car and some brilliant person at ESPN. I mean that. I'm not being sarcastic. Somebody was like, dude, I get the chance to put the header live from Brett Beelam's car on here and I'm going to do it.

Absolutely. You got to take that joy where you can get it. Yeah. And they did it. So it was like his big old country ham of a face, right? Just like, it's such a dad move. It's such a dad move that when they reached out to him,

I'm sure they were like, hey, can you like stop somewhere along the way? Because they did that earlier this year with somebody. I forget who. But he was like, no, man, I'm making good time. Absolutely no way I'm stopping this car. You kidding me? The mileage I'm getting right now is amazing.

I've got to get to Champaign Urbana. If I get to a rest up, I'll stop you. there and that's what I'm going to chat out on that that chickens that surfboard chicken sandwich for burger cake I love those extra mayo he made a he made a he made a well I just had a I just had a whole bunch of meatball subs and I got I got to really sit on the John so it's we're not going to be pulling over to stop because I got to keep going if you know what I mean until we get there rapidly that's the super quality because you said John which is totally what Brett Fiel McCall said yeah yeah you call it the got we call it something like the fucking like the crapper right

The head, the head, the crapper. No, the head implies military service. Like in his haircut. He's definitely lied about being in the military. He was an Iowa Hawkeye. He was a troop. A troop. A troop.

But yeah, they did, like, that's it. Brett Belema, by the way. Folks, that's Ryan Nanny, claiming that Brett Belema has lied about his military record. Listen, he pulled. He reached him at 38 Godfrey on Twitter. pulled a rookie mistake though because if he's in transit and he was in the car that lets us know that he was going somewhere so if he doesn't show up to champagne or ban up by like tuesday we'll know that like i found a casino along the way no dude he had to make a round of all the wing stops to say goodbye

and i'll take me Tony Tony Ronnie telly Dutch other Tony Steve other to be my sunshine after this wings family doesn't come along very often but just doing the boys to men monologue to the wing from wing stop number seven just imagine Brett feel am I doing like a car

TikTok and holding up a chicken wing up to his face to do the the de voice part of the boys to men monologue parents don't have a favorite child and Brett doesn't have a favorite wing stop but secretly wing stop number 17 33 it's always been you i think all of your wings are top i said i wouldn't get emotional

no now we've come uh to the end of the bone i it's unnatural it's all natural All natural meat here at Wingstaff. It's definitely meat. Oh, man, that's our drive-through chain. It's definitely meat. It's definitely meat. Brett Beelam, a ground floor investor. I'll tell you, it's all you have to do.

It's definitely meat. He'd be like, how much can I give you? Right there on the marquee, it says, why wouldn't it be meat? Stop asking questions. Totally exonerated. Welcome to it's definitely meat. Are you a cop? yeah i'm i'm i'm overjoyed go out to the trunk throw open my car doors i just got it full of like

30 robots that tell jokes while vacuuming your floor i would totally all happening y'all i would totally by the way just go like eat wings and drink beer with bret belemma just to watch him do that because i bet it's majestic i've been thinking a lot about killing myself don't because one day you might get to see bret beelma house an entire plate of wings while talking i guarantee you bret beelma is the like, hey, dibs on the celery, because I'm making good choices in 2020. I'm being healthy. Yep.

I'm going to push it all through. It's like a toilet snake for your body. Oh, Jesus, gross. That, that's, that's Big Ten thinking, baby. Oh, this is perfect. Oh, speaking. I hope you. It's not, listen, it's,

It's not worse than South Carolina playing in a fucking bowl game. It's just not. It's not. You're saying me saying that is worse than Americans and their children having to watch more South Carolina football. I disagree. I want to ask one question. How many games would Coastal Carolina have had to have won in a single season to have made the playoff? I haven't it.

47. 47. Jason? How many of those games are against? ACC opponents. Oh, I mean, the ACC played like 30 games, so like 20, 25? They're getting 25 games against ACC opponents? That's just a smidgen of the ACC.

They only need like, they only need like nine ACC opponents. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Five of those are against Syracuse, though. That's fine. That's a power conference win. Okay. Okay. Holly, how many games? What? How many games with Coastal Carolina have needed to play to make the playoff this year?

She's thinking about the toilet snake thing still. 47 the answer is 47 47 I had 33 it just felt right I mean it's it's either they they get 8 plus power conference games or the number doesn't 9000 non-power games who gives a shit they're not going to make it that's this is all showing that the NCAA football game for various video game platforms is completely full of it because you would go 30 and oh

and they would say oh maybe it's time you move up big boy nope college football you go like you can win 30 games in a row you can win 40 games in a row they're like you stay right there in the sunbelt where you belong this is the shit they have it's not like coastal

when they have to bring this game back or when they bring this game back this is the shit they got to put in it like they got to say like cool you went 12 and 0 with BYU you're number nine in the country have a have a great fucking day My favorite thing is like, and you can go back and track this. You look at the computers, you look at a general composite of the computers,

and you compare it to the playoff rankings. There is a five to ten spot tax applied to every non-powered team, every single time. They should have been power teams. Yeah, I mean, it's simple. It's right there in the name. Yeah. BYU, like, it's crazy to me.

We're acting like BYU has like three or four losses or something. BYU should just still be in the top 10. They're 10 in one. They're clearly really good. Sorry, we need three loss. We need three lost Florida there. But Jason, but Jason, Alabama had to beat all those teams like

Auburn and Mississippi State. They played Tennessee. They played Florida, I'm told. Look at all the, what I'm trying to get at is in this year of all fucking years, can you really make an argument for strength of schedule within conference play? No, yeah. I mean, with nobody

playing out of conference games, how the fuck do we know if Florida's any good? Also, they beat a bunch of teams that played Florida. To our point earlier, when there were out of conference games, it still didn't fucking matter. They still fuck Louisiana over. The only thing

non-conference taught us this entire year is that the Sun Belt Conference is better than the Big 12 conference. Yet, multiple Big 12 teams rank ahead of the undefeated Sun Belt champion. The national governing body fucked over coastal Louisiana. I also like that this is now set up

a bowl season where you have good, like legitimately good group of five teams that are going to go play these dog shit power five teams And it's this inverse where normally you have like disappointed Power 5 team. And it's like, well, they're not going to show up. But if you're Tulsa, you're number 24, you almost beat. This is absolutely the only thing I'm living for at this point. You're Tulsa.

You almost beat Cincinnati to win the conference, very close game, very, like very tough game. Your reward for this is to go to TCU's stadium and play Mississippi State who's three and seven. Tulsa players opt out. Why would you care about this? Yeah, Tulsa, Tulsa players please say just, we had fun playing quality opponents. Yeah, we think we've said all we need to say. Yeah, cases made.

I mean, Tulsa had a hell of a year. Tulsa had like three or four comeback wins, like, made Cincinnati sweat their ass off, almost beat Oklahoma State. Every single Tulsa game this year was awesome. I don't think they need the drama of... Yeah, Tulsa, it's time for you to be gracious and let another team that's maybe a little less fortunate.

a have have a turn playing with Mississippi State. Just such garbage. It looks like thought. Such stupid garbage. This was unquestionably the dumbest season in college football history. And that is saying it's almost, it's belittling it to say it's saying a lot. Like it takes, and it's something completely unimaginable to be the dumbest season in college season in college football history and yet it was this by a mile like and this is how it comes

to a finish like well what a cherry on top uh you know i don't even know where to you know we joke before the show about making a top 20 a list of the top 25 dumbest things from this weekend and i don't even think that would be enough i i don't really know what to tell you like Sunbelt could have put a headshot on Ohio State, right? Could have, could have sniped Ohio State in an out-of-conference game, 22-21. Could have done everything. And people would have gone, well, Ohio State really got it together. So let's just put him in.

That's the other thing is like, all right, the top four teams, right? You know, the top four or five or six teams that we know will be really talented every year. The teams that when recruiting look at the top six of signing day right now, It is those teams. Those teams during each season have to make the argument that they should not be in the playoff, whereas every other team has to hope that happens, and they are also able to make the counterargument, right? Like, Bama starts with a birthright in the playoff.

Bama usually deserves it. That's fine. Ohio State does the same. This year, Ohio State deserve it? No, but they weren't able to make a convincing argument to the contrary. like when you have this mix of best team and most deserving team well we know who the best teams are do we give a shit who the best teams are no because Cincinnati deserves to be there like we know Ohio State we beat

Cincinnati who gives a fuck it's like figure skating or like slalom skiing or wherever where you're like we do point deductions to be clear like that's how this works you tell us what you're going to do and then we take off points when you fuck up but Ohio State just skated for 47 seconds and it was like here's your goal metal. And if we're going to start having a presentation element, we are going to have to talk about these uniforms.

Not a spangle in sight, you pieces of shit. I'd love to see Bannon. Talking to you, Under Armour. That's the reason why Coastal Carolina should be in the playoffs on uniforms alone, because that is some, I'm going to go win the silver

for the Ukraine. That's what that is, right there. They're doing the Pemchenko. They do have beautiful like early Russian Federation era sports uniforms. And the breathless court side, ring side words of Kate Mosley, you want to win, don't you? And you know what?

You know it needs to pick it up, frankly, if we're grading on presentation? Alabama, I'm sorry. You just got red, white, and some numbers. Well, it's simple and classic. Really? You want to come in the presentation element and go simple and classic those are figure skates pal please not a single rhinestone on that uniform god a rhinestone

uniform would be incredible which school would do it first i think all the coaches that would have done it are dead miami miami would do it yes are you're wait you're telling me that you can put you can put something approximating a diamond on a uniform and miami wouldn't do it I feel like they would be mocked in their hometown for for fake jewelry right well oh yeah like this is how you but then it would be real well this is how you lose Rick Ross says you know as an honorary alumni sure and you hate that you would hate to see that no I think that's that dries up the whole institution for some reason I just felt Arkansas state I don't know that's because they're like no because like

rhinestone real tree is a big thing North Texas You know, they're out there. They do have a performing arts program. Best ever Rhinestone Cowboy Football Team out of Denton. That didn't scan either. Man, that's what they'd be called, too. These are the Rhinestone Cowboy uniforms.

And I'd go, I'd mark out for him. Best ever Rhinestone Ball Team out of Denton. Will these cause serious abrasions on impact? Absolutely. That's a guarantee. Partner? that's how they sold the coach on they're like i don't know about these they're a little showy and they'd be like the other team will bleed when they come into contact with them all right yeah

suit them up let's do it you know that you're going to play us you're going to have abrasions serious abrasions um you know i did want to update everybody on this that the full cast does nothing but determine reality because we told the story of dale mclaughlin who went from Scotland to the Isle of Man for love and paid for it by going to prison. He's in jail and the Isle of Man for visiting his girlfriend on

a jet ski. I left one thing out last week, by the way. Holly pointed out to me, did we miss the point where Dale McLaughlin cannot swim? Yeah, I missed that. We did miss that point. I missed the part where Del McLaughlin did not know how to swim.

I'm not surprised that you missed down on somebody not knowing how to swim but i am disappointed in the rest of us why would i i am a great swimmer very good at it i enjoy it server we're going to edit that out it's one of my favorite things so that happened and you think oh certainly nothing could top that certainly nothing could and i'm not saying this necessarily tops it but it doesn't for the record it does not i think i think elements of it are co-equal. I do which is this that

um are elements of it are co-eague Gary Barda am I Gary Barta you called me Gary Barta and for that I'm going to give you a contract extension you know the committee

decided this Georgia girl who violated COVID protocols to watch her boyfriend jet ski competition was really more go ahead asshole Skyler Mac an 18 year old college student

from where that's right georgia from georgia was sentenced to four months in prison in the caiman islands is this is a sky a he skyler or a she skiler a she skiler a skyl her a skyl her sorry i needed to know what kind of crime we were dealing with here actually a skyl har gender is a social construct but i need to know what manner of skyler this is s k y l-a-r okay the traditional Mm-hmm. Because when I read it first, I was like, okay, whatever, Kaylee. And I really wasn't far named Skyler. And she broke the British Caribbean Territories COVID-19 protocol. Why? Because she had to go and visit her boyfriend who was competing in a jet skiing competition. That's right. The jet ski and COVID-19 meeting again, the nexus of the two, yet again, sending someone to the pokey. This time, though, I am dumbfounded at how bad she needed to see her boyfriend that she was willing to risk prison in the Caribbean. I know you think prison in the Caribbean. Ah, festive!

Warm! Yeah, it's warm. That's the problem. You're in an un-air-conditioned hut, right? Like a box. that and you get fed like real crappy food for for four months think about that four months i just yeah i mean this is more confusing to me because like dale i like i can see where he got there i don't agree with his choices and i would

have made different ones but i understand he had a plan skiler was allowed to go to the cayman islands like that was that was okay she took a test a COVID test when she got there and they told her okay now isolate for two weeks the point at which she crosses the line so it's not going there that crosses the line it's the point where she leaves isolation to go watch a jet ski race which i will admit i have never gone to but has to be one of the least appealing in-person spectator sports how do you even perceive that you don't it's just loud and wet and baby that's it what you didn't you weren't big fan of wave race 64 wave race wave race wave race listen

wave race was great thank you holly ever since you guys started talking about that game it's the only thing i can hear is that voice but the boyfriend is the one playing wave race she is playing a different game where you stand on the beach 200 yards away from wave race and watch ryan sounds like he has had to sit through a lot of jet ski races in his time no my but like I bet someone is on Twitch right now streaming Wave Race and people are watching it. Again, you'd have to watch it from like down the street for it to be the same experience. This is by the way the most... I bet that's happening somewhere on Twitch.

But someone is outside looking into a house where someone is playing Wave Race 64. But Spencer, who is the primary... You know, in a one role outside the house looking in as our friends and loved ones to play Wave Race? Spencer, who is the primary... who is the primary family member cited uh who comments in this in this story let's see the primary family member would be the grandmother that's right and do you know why the grandmother's commenting on the story why because she's not thrilled that her daughter is or her granddaughter is dating a professional jet ski racer that's why why because she's a georgia grandma so is

any money in that jet ski races she knows she knows there isn't has this girl got a hope scholarship i need to know not anymore this is by the way don't tell me there's an you can keep your hope scholarship if you get arrested there'd be nobody left i bet there's a jet i bet actually i bet jet ski crimes are exempt it'd be too common you get you get a little bump actually it's paid for by the fucking lottery of course you can write a jet ski thank you Spencer I would I would point this out by the way that that yeah the grandmother the grandmother was saying this too because she see this before she's like I've seen jet ski I've seen jet skiing scoundrels don't make the mistakes I did scholar take down the talented women of this family grandma's like back back when I was your age oh had my heart broken by a dashing jet skier I was gonna be a chemist but I gave it all up for Duke jet skier I was gonna be a chemist but I gave it all up for Duke jet skier ski the original jet ski artist oh man are there jet ski rodeo clowns yes there were i've already decided my second husband is going to be unfathomably wealthy but my third one's

gonna be just for fun jet ski radio clown a rodeo clown buddy if i wanted a jet ski radio clown i would just If you need a step stool to get here. Hey! So, yeah, the thing about this, by the way, in the case... Sirber, just take out everything it could get me killed. So Dale McLaughlin did not get his lady in jail. Okay?

And in this, which is also, by the way, another, like, an epic entry into bad, lame boyfriend. Instead of playing Wave Race and making your girl watch you play Wave Race. right why don't you watch me play video games why don't you watch me yeah why don't you let me do wave race in real life and then you watch it from 200 yards away and oh by the way i help you get the monitor that was keeping you and this is the other thing by the way she just thought oh i'm just going to have you loosen this up because it's a little tight uh-huh she had a little like ankle monitor on else it's cutting into me a little bit can you guys loosen it up up two days later it's off and she's watching her boyfriend do wave race i rl and then jet ski racing community is plagued by its own playoff

committee and it's like do you think there's like a jet ski playoff committee and people are just fucking furious yeah this is not what we stand for that's right how can you explain these inconsistencies dylan finished third in the last two races and yet you've got him ahead of other Dylan who finished second. I would bet, by the way. Dylan's all the way down. I think in the jet ski community, Coastal Carolina is a pilot.

They're the Power 5th. Yeah, all the Notre Dame jet skiers are just pissed about Coastal Carolina hogging all the spots. Sure, yeah. Notre Dame is definitely the least jet ski of the four teams in the playoff. Notre Dame is like the, they're the fucking bowling green. of jet skiing.

Well, they're cops, so they hate jet skis. That's true. They're jet ski cops. Nah, those are, that's Coast Guard, bro. It's different. Yeah, I mean, that's what they're called. You probably, if you're a Coast Guard cop, or if you're like a jet ski cop, that first day is exhilarating because you're like, man, I drive a jet ski for a living.

Day three, you're like, oh, God, get me off this thing. Because let's be honest, if you were on a boat or a jet ski of your own, and another jet ski pulled up to you that said police on it would you take that seriously i absolutely not i absolutely would be like no you just put those fucking letters on there yourself there's no such things i would start looking around for dj callid's camera crew correct yes so like so like jet ski chase on the ocean you're both going fucking 15 miles an hour are they going to throw down a like uh one of the spiky thing in the water no nope nope absolutely not just just keep going a Man of war at your head.

Yeah. There's just no... Ocean ain't going to run out of water. Keep going. There's no incentive. Like, jet ski cop is got to be the least respected of the cops. What if you do that and you just go in circles? And they have to pursue you for hours.

And you're both sunburned. Like, how do you even pull over in the ocean? I'm so parched. I'm so dehydrated. Please stop. If you stop, I will get you a bomb. old water. Yeah, the cop has to entice you into

pulling over to the sandbar. Yeah. Or what if you do this? If you're the idiot, no, no, here's what you do. You stop and then the, like, the cop gets off his jet ski. And then he got it. Sucker.

What did you go all the way else? And then he's got to wade back to it. He's like, oh, climbing back on this is the worst. It never looks cool. let him get right up close to you and then jet ski like four feet away and just do this repeatedly i'm just taking i'm just taking the jet ski out to international waters like just as far as i can't swim no as soon as you hit you hit international water you cross that barrier and the cop can't even see you that's right your stars go away the cop's like where the fuck did he go that's certainly what i would assume i would just sit there the cops like i can see you you know you're like nope i'm invisible this is our national history because everyone knows where the national line

is you can see it it's it's right there on top of the water so if you're on one side of it and cops on the other you can be like neater neater he can't do anything do jet ski cops have to wear pants on the jet ski absolutely not no you could Donald Duck it you could just wear a full police uniform down to the waist

and then like a Speedo do you think Donald Duck wears a speedo ski cup I would. I'd wear a tanga. Yeah. Sure. So at the end of each shift.

Does it say police across the butt? Absolutely, yeah. What stripe? What color? Does it say it's seven reflective letters across the butt? What color stripe do I need to put on my American flag to honor jet ski cops? So on this, on this Tonga, you have like a holster and a radio and, and, and other equipment, right? You got the whole utility belt on the Tongue.

for sure. Zing. And there's no way I'm not going to... You know what? If I'm a jet ski cop, you're giving me a harpoon gun. And somebody's going to say, what's that for?

And I'm like, danger. Justice. It's because I've gotten off the jet ski and then fucking drive away. That's why. I think... Well, that isn't a stop.

No, then you're barefoot water ski. My cousin got harpooned by a jet ski cop. No, but what if they... What if they pierce the hole of the jet ski, then you're just being bodily trapped through shallow water. I hope jet ski cop carries a taser. Oh, yes.

And they're just, and they're like, body of salient water. That's the entire third day of, of, of, uh, jet ski police academy is do not use your taser. Do not use it. Do not use your taser. You know, Jesse cop gets on, he grabs his taser, and he's like, I am the stingray waiting. They see, like, one recruits hand just keeps drifting towards his holster. Jeffrey, no. I'm going to tase the ocean.

I'm going to tase the ocean. Here's the other thing. If you are people get out of Jeski Academy and Jeski Place Academy and try to fish with a taser. I'm going to find a white whale that took my leg and I'm going to tase it. Here's my question. If you, let's say you are a good jet ski cop and you successfully arrest somebody. What next? Well, you got to go all the way back in.

Yeah, you got to go. How? I got an answer. They have to stay. Parajail. It's parajail! That's how we take people in. A victim of time.

They have to scooch them. in on your jet ski with their arms around your waist. They handcuffed themselves around your waist? Yeah, and then you got to carry them all the way in like a backpack. Sure. You know they're going to pee on you. I'm super buoyant. I mean, yeah, that's all they can do.

That's all the citizen can do to protest the tyranny of the state is pee on a jet ski cop. I'm telling you, parah jail. We have a little jail that all I do is I take you in your restraints. I put you on the parasail behind. me and then you get a beautiful view and it's cost $70 an hour citizen oh see there we go carceral state we charge you for it right you're like hey what what's this parasail fee that I see here you got it you got a coupon at Indian river fruit okay never mind it's only $50 I just can't wait to take a jet ski to

international waters and just be like who I got bow private casino out here Just a deck of cards and whatever spare change I fit in my speedo. And the... Ah, this is living. Big Pimpin starts playing off a walk band. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Just me, God, and my jet ski. This terrifying Manta ray that's been following me.

Waterworld was a how-to. This is awesome. It's a one-man booze cruise. Some people just pay for it. these, I just drive out until it's free. It's my own high school reunion. Just me. I look great.

Now that it didn't happen, is it safe to reveal that my 20th high school reunion was supposed to be out of Shoney's? I know that y'all can verify this because I showed you the invitation. Damn. You should have gone and told everybody you're a jet ski cop now. Shit. Jason. Next year.

Jason, you know what you're going to need to have your own one-man jet ski cop? ski casino you're gonna need money you need some startup funds oh shit spencer that was smooth you know nice job yeah i i uh thought we were gonna end up sneaking this back in recording it afterward and sneaking back in but that is incredible saved by spencer uh that's right jet ski jet ski jet ski police academy dropouts you're gonna need a fall back right you need a financial fallback while you while you save up to apply there's a 25 dollar fee each time you apply to be a jet ski cop. And, yeah, you're going to need to save it up.

Acorns is the country's leaving, saving, and investing app. Those who have been following along have been riveted as I have increased my pile from $5 to $75.96. I can afford three admissions to Jet Ski Police Academy. It's very easy, very simple. It's Jet Scatomy, just so, you know. Jet Scatomy. That's a competing.

competing so i think it's it's it's you know yeah that sounds very official that's the fire department i apologize well it sounds very official police academy but like you know they're competing against each other there's multiple ones like right next door to each other sure it's like it's like the vision of like there should be private private prisons and private judges and private police forces that's actually how it works on the ocean why do the jet ski cops also rent bikes and sell taffy. Is it bad that I got like an aspirational this could be me paying right when you said that?

No. Looking into the market performance section of my acorns and it says the line's going up still. That's all we need to know. Market gain loss plus 0.90%. It's almost the whole percent that I've made off the magic of the market.

And that's without doing any like, You know, like, daily, like, gamey check-ins and whatever. It just goes in, and then it goes up. Acorns.com slash fullcast. It goes in and it goes up. It's like being Ohio State. Yeah, it's an Ohio State in your pocket. Because either way, you're talking about the bucks.

That's right. Slam. Catching it off the glass. Also, ACORN is similar to a bucknut. It's a buck nut, yeah. That's fair. Is a buck nut an acorn? Nope, but that's not going to stop us.

Similar. Both of them become more than they were. Wow. The acorn becomes the tree. The acorn app in your pocket becomes your retirement account, if you really go hard on it. After 20 years on the jet ski force, you're finally ready to hang it up. After you do your time, retire with honors, with badges and medals, clanking around as you bounce along the waves. metals on your on your on your life preserver uh yeah it's it's all about it's all about tiny things becoming and and and the ohio state the bucknut right every year just becomes a playoff bid

wow how'd that happen 21 super soaker salute listen man you'll have enough money that you can be as weird as a dude that i read about this week bill gross the billionaire investor uh who is now in a fight with his neighbor who is a some sort of tech geek genius mere semi-billionaire um you can have enough money because these two guys are fighting and i love rich people fighting according to his neighbor billionaire bond investor bill gross uh really likes the gilligan's island theme song and this is apparently driving his neighbor mad because uh he says that he plays it at all And when contacted for comment about this, Bill Gross said, yeah, it has a lot of meaning to me. So I play it all the time because I found out that it looked, the place where my house is looks like Gilligan's Island.

And that's why he says it's completely justified that he plays it like 20 hours a day. And he and his lady danced to it. Yeah. This moment of Pac-12 football has been brought to you. as a special shout out to front of the program Warren Abels who is currently

under the weather right now Warren we love you buddy we hope you feel better soon yes this guy should be the commissioner of the Pac-12 by the way

I'm on Bill Gross's side because also on the playlist is signed with the billionaire is on 50 also in his playlist 50 cent and Kenny Loggins

who played at his birthday that just says it's rich which one which one both of them together They played each other's birthdays. They did, yeah, 50 Cent and Kenny Loggins. They're going to drop that mixtape any day now.

What would you rather have at your birthday? 50 Cent playing Kenny Logan's songs or Kenny Loggins performing 50 cents songs. I'm going to flip the script because I bet you think I'd say Kenny Loggins done 50 cent. I want to hear 50 cent doing Kenny Loggins songs. Can 50 sing? About to find out. Yeah. Well, I mean, not yet, not like actual, yeah, but he has, he has, he has,

melodically spoken let's put it that way him auto tune singing the theme from over the top yeah I want to hear that sure cool house Kenny Loggins his house on poo corner I want to hear I want to hear him do a day you know even though we ain't got money I'm so in love with my money

see it was a hip-pop song so yeah but going to become that kind of eccentric billionaire I need someone out there to be my opponent you can visit acorns.com slash fullcast to get started with $5 on the house to some day and you can

come get me sucker find Jason on the find him on the ocean fight me on the ocean can't miss it I'll be there all things it'd be so much better if Gary Barta just like started taking

questions and then zoomed off on a jet ski instead Gary Boda Gary Boda I allow it.