Shutdown Fullcast - Let's explore SEC academic rankings lol

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

Holly Anderson joins us to discuss our greatest academic achievements, such as treating an entire semester like Notre Dame's NCAA-approved 2012 record -- as in, only showing up for the final, then failing. Also, Spencer took a judo class at Flori- stop laughing. Spencer took judo at Flo- please. It's time to make fun of each conference's academic rankings. Spencer took judo a- fine. It's funny. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Okay, you can do this. I know, I know. Carvana makes it so convenient to sell your car. It's just hard to let go. My car and I have been through so much together. But look, you already have a great offer from Carbana. That was fast. Well, I know my license played and VIN by heart, and those questions were easy. You're almost there.

Now to just accept the offer and schedule a pickup or drop off. How'd you do it? How were you so strong in letting go of your car? Well, I already made up my mind, and Carvana's so easy. Yeah, true. And sold. Go to Carvana.com to sell your car the convenient way. welcome to the shutdown full cast that noise you hear in the background yeah yeah that's pomp and circumstance this is our graduation episode did you graduate jason from from your fine college uh yeah i did i did not go to the ceremony though um even though it's like five minutes away from my house um just couldn't make it just didn't what did you do instead of going to the ceremony which is

Just five minutes from your house. I was probably working. I probably had to work that day. I was just like, eh, not really for it. Or it might have been like a very like anti-government phase where it's like, no, they can't make me go, you know? Like they eventually mailed it to me and I got it and have it somewhere. But I got the diploma in the mail.

Did you own the libs by not showing up to your graduation? Yeah, own the libs by having to finagle your way into graduation. because you never met with a counselor during your entire six years in college and you like took classes hilariously out of order and the final one you took was like Spanish one even after you've already taken like six other language courses and like various languages yeah I own the shit out of the libs with that one nice job it's a powerful display I went to the one at UF the one at UF is like 5,000 people because it's a gigantic school so we just um we just shot dice that was that was what we did waiting for us to get our names because you know like if your name's h and you're on day one of graduation you're toward the back right so i'm sitting there with everyone else i'm like if i want to roll them let's go so yeah and then did the thing where you know you cross did you have a sword from the mall strapped to your back like under your graduation

I did not have a sword from the mall strapped to the back. Was it on the outside and a belt? I have no comment because only a wizard can wear them on the outside of the robes. That's a rule. Wizards don't have swords. What do you think a wizard is? I went to Florida. What makes you think wizards don't have swords in Florida?

The Florida wizard would just have a gigantic vape pet. She's in a gun. He's strapped. But yeah, that was. go back to your operating definition of wizard and where their power comes from. You know, in Florida, really, we don't rely on the government to tell us who a wizard is. I'm just a face like that and you're unfamiliar with Dungeons and Dragons. This is hurting. I'm going to admit the pain is real. We haven't really introduced ourselves

yet. I'm Spencer Hall. I love yet. We haven't introduced ourselves in the last two months or so, by the way. If you're just not tuning into this podcast and have no idea who's who. Like crab grass or psorias. That's Holly Anderson. She is joining us. She's joining us tonight. There's a late call-in because Ryan Nanny is not here tonight.

Ryan Nanny is on the West Coast doing his best. We heard that song. Mom left us. Substitute teachers here and it's not one. The mods away. The mods are away. Mods are asleep post pictures of Dr. Doom. Ryan is way more maternal.

He is. He's truly the force that binds this podcast together and also brings snacks. Yeah, you're the aunt. Ryan's the mom. He makes sure we have snacks. Yes. Yeah. Joining us the responsible charismatic uncle who holds us all together, Jason Kirk,

who did not attend his graduation to own the libs. Owned them. So our children are, are listeners of the children? Yeah, they are. That sucks. Yeah, it does suck for that. Sorry, Holly. Ryan's poor cervix.

Look at that. It's just an interstate highway. It's just I-95, six lanes. Go Gators. Being fruitful and multiplying, the full cast audience. Also like crabgrass. Also, definitely like crabgrass. The topic tonight, we're talking about academics and graduation, which,

Holly, did you attend your own graduation? I was informed by my sainted mother, who is known to some members of this readership, that graduations are not for me, they're for the parents, and why it is pleasant for parents to sit through Tennessee's graduation, which, like Florida's, has done 7,000 people at a time on the bare floor of the basketball arena. I think they maybe just wanted to show up and make sure I went through with it. And, yeah, I remember nothing. They let you go in whatever order you want. My friends and I all sat in a big old loud cluster in the middle of it, and I think we were just, like, bedazzling our caps the entire time. Yeah, I don't think my parents cared. It was utterly uses.

I didn't think mine did either, and then they insisted on coming to graduation, which meant I had to go to graduation. Did you have any football players you graduated with? I was in the art school. So no. We had a couple in our theater classes who were very funny. That and we had Mo Collins, I think, graduate with us. We went on to play for the Raiders.

There was a massive, massive offensive tackle. And that's when you remember that football players are much larger than Gen Pop because everyone's going across the stage right. like oh god you know six seven dude just rolls up the stairs and mo had at least 70 family members there who all of the family members are told before graduation hey please don't clap right save all clapping to the end

mo collins strides up there right mo call yeah blah blah blah yeah yeah i don't remember anybody who graduated with us because it's it's so vast this ceremony and lasts for so damn long i don't remember who our speaker was i just remember we had to sit there for a very long time uh before we were allowed to leave and go to our graduation yeah if you could so so college graduation is it like high school graduation just like five times yeah ours yeah exactly ours was so boy you missed jason made the best choice of anyone you did yeah this is the first moment of my entire life i've wondered what's college graduation like yeah it's it's really it's not you should be somewhere else oh at ours they don't

hand you your diploma by the way because it all i guess at some point they gave up on trying to organize 7000 people at a time into alphabetical order and so instead you had this little card with your name on it and you hand it to the dude right before you walk cross stage and he just says your name. But so, of course, they can't hand you your diploma in that scenario because how would they find it? So what you get instead at Tennessee is an orange cardboard tube that looks like a diploma tube, but on the inside is a letter from the alumni association asking for money now

that you're an alum. They hand you a stick of dynamite. Man, I don't tell you to make something of yourself. That's what we did at my high school. They just handed out a redeemable for one diploma coupon. Wow. Is that in case you act up? You don't get it.

Yeah, you got to finish the drill. That's smart. Yeah, this is all a very long-winded way of saying that tonight. We were not only going to share our own stories of legendary academia and those, of course, that we know about in the college football world. For instance, nobody has pulled a greater feat to me. Dion Sanders in the modern age because Dion Sanders, knowing full well that he was going to play one more semester at Florida State, and then immediately go pro, signed up for classes, and then drop them.

Just drop them. Didn't go to him. Didn't have to. No one checked. How was Bobby Bowden good for so long? That guy must have been an extraordinary coach. he was. It's an amazing manager of the

entire system from top to bottom, if you will. Manager, that's a good word. Carefully, carefully micromanaging each detail. Probably making shit talking about. I just love that

somebody at one point gave up calling Dion Sanders name and a roll, right? Sant. Never mind. They call Roll in college. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of nanny state school did you go to?

Florida. I would know this more if I'd gone to more classes at my own. Yeah, Jason pulled my favorite feat of any of the three of us. Now, Ryan is not here. Ryan is also not here for a real good reason because Ryan was a responsible student. Ryan, this here, this is like the treehouse meeting, the bad kids. Like, we all stole some shit from the Eckerd and, you know, we all ran to our getaway. Ryan's not invited to this club.

Ryan's too responsible. No, he's explaining to the store manager that we'll wash dishes and they're trying to explain to him that this isn't a restaurant. Yeah. Ryan, Ryan works at the Eckerd. We robbed Ryan. We did. We do it weekly. Oh, he's our Peter Petty grew, isn't he?

Yeah, he is. He's going to turn. That's fine. I know he will. We'll love him for it anyway. But Jason pulled, you pulled my favorite move and our various pre-show discussions of this. and before that, just because I think it's a legend worth telling. We have discussed it.

But in case you did not pick this up the first time, I want the full story of Jason's most amazing academic feat as an undergrad at what institution? Kansas State University. It's a four-year college. Goals. Which one are we talking about? This one gives me anxiety.

You know what? If you don't know, I just want you to tell the one that comes to mind and then if it's not that one i want to know about the other one well i mean bro it's amazingly let me out um the one we talked about earlier today was i pulled a last episode of lost maneuver um i only went to the final skipped every single day of class leading up to the final this was british lit um i'm an english major by the way in case you weren't in case i haven't established by now either on this podcast or on this show in particular what an idiot i am i have an english degree in case you want to know why this is the dumbest podcast you have two english majors on this

podcast hello when you remember when you're an english major it's always lit which is two more english majors in the world so um i skipped the entire uh entire semester i'm going to assume because i was playing math an 04, Michael Vick, greatest video game character of all time, strutted in, discovered we were breaking down Oz Amandias, the poem, about the statue that fell over, and I was like, shit, I got this, turned in about 30 minutes of work, and they gave me a D, because I knocked that motherfucker out. I mean, if I'd spend a whole hour, probably would have been a C, so don't ever let them,

don't ever let them tell you you can't achieve your dreams you're hey you're talking to us here today now did you have another story you had in mind other than i just showed up to like lay some shelly on you with no preparation whatsoever um there was the time i got a d in college algebra um and this this is after in high school when i i got a c in high school algebra tried to retake it to bump it up and got a D the second time around. Algebra is not a strength. So you basically pulled the old USC, Arkansas home and home. Like, oh, wait will we get you at home, Trojans?

You lose like 73 to 7. Yeah, I did like the Ohio State thing where it's like, you know, you could just vacate this bowl season. No, we're going all in. It's an honor thing. We're going all in. We're going to the Taxlayer Bowl, bitch. So in college, following up on that, I got a D the first time around college algebra, second time around, tried to take it again.

And that time was so in over my head after two weeks that I dropped the class. That point, of course, it's already paid for. So, yeah, I paid student loans on that class forever, even though I gave up. Also, by the way, speaking of student loans, yes, I'm a Georgia resident, which means if I'd merely showed up enough to have hit a B average at any point in high school or college, college would have been paid for and it wouldn't have had student loans and none of this would have ever been a problem to begin with. But, you know, man, that's just, it just wasn't meant to be. Wasn't my path.

My walk with Jesus was rockier than others. It wasn't what the Lord laid out for me. Yeah, I was too distracted by the Bible. That is correct. That is the most Georgia answer possible, which is I could have gotten a B average, you know. But, you know. I was focused on a different B. That's right, B.

The B I B L. Yeah, the B I B L, and the B attitudes. You heard of them, huh? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I received a D for devotion. So those are probably my academic highs. What do you all have here?

Oh. I'll go. I have a couple, which are noteworthy. I did not, I'm going to go back a little bit. I didn't turn in homework for going on four years, at least. And I mean, like people say like, oh man, I never did homework. No, I did not do homework. I was assigned a negative 237 by a teacher once for an assignment that required compilation

and organization because I liked so many elements that it turns out the number of points you could take off on an assignment exceeded 100. And that's, I made mistakes that weren't even there. So like, do you still have to go to this class to this day? Like, is that how far behind you?

That's why I don't, that's why I don't live in Tennessee. That, yeah, that teacher can issue a summons. Yeah, no, that teacher can legally issue a summons in Tennessee.

I think legally I owe her a pig suitable for barbecue. I think that's how you, you pay things off. The teacher can like garnish your hours between three and three 30 for the rest of your life. Yeah, no, she can lay claim to my birthright of the Scopes monkey trial. I don't know. Like whatever, whatever we got, you know, like she can get it. So what was the span of this four years? Is this high school? That is going back to middle school. I will take it a little bit further to high school and say that in high school, I once received an F on an oral presentation

because I simply forgot we had to do one. And I'm in class one day of biology and everybody's given these like really involved, like, you know, presentations. I'm like, whoa, that's trippy y'all. I'm like Wong and, I'm like Wong and Infinity War, right? Like I'm like, oh man, that's crazy. Y'all be safe. And then I got, I got a little Spencer.

what's your presentation on and I looked over and I was like and you know normally you have like some witty repartee in a teen scenario right like no I had nothing I was like yeah I didn't do that do we do presentations like it was completely sincere like did we have to do a presentation and I was like they were just sharing I just thought y'all were talking I thought you were really enthusiastic about goldie bodies. I thought these folks just were expressing themselves.

It was like a Quaker meeting, right? They were just moved and they were just going to speak on it and talk to the Lord. Speak on this endoplasmic reticulum. Yeah, you know, I thought, you know, that they were talking about sodium pumps and they were getting pretty excited. And I realized that you're just sitting there like, man, this is the lamest rap battle ever. Honestly, you know what I was doing? I think I think I was reading Larry McMurtry I think I was reading like last picture show or something

in biology class and and Miss Burns just goes yeah that's not gonna you get an F you just get like a straight F so that I got to college and I took judo at UF yeah this is so much better

y'all it gets better from this point which was great no no go ahead no keep laughing we're not dying like you want to know like like somebody I feel deeply on a historical level

it's GK Chesterton because he had a teacher who uh GK Chesterton was like a sort of British writer around like late 19th, early 20th century and he was this big dude who was friends with George Bernard Shaw and he wrote like a bunch of really interesting mysteries. And he was like a really like interesting polymath kind of dude. So not like me, but...

Careful. Yeah. So, but he said that a teacher told him when in middle school, basically, he goes, if we opened your head, Chesterton, we should find not brain, but only a lump of white fat. He was like, oh, for real? That's amazing.

That's amazing. That's where the flavor is. is that's a good brisket you've lost your mind you've lost your marbles because all the marbling resides inside the skull it's just a delicious smoke the ham of knowledge think of your body as a constantly turning el pistorous bit of meat and the brain just uh whatever the opposite of congeals is and it just it marinerates your meats over time it does life is nothing but a 70 year marinate yeah it's why you got to put it on low that's why the tasties barbecue's made in this out because everything and a marinade.

I don't get this a lot, but I hope that one person is low and slow. I hope that one person from my hometown listened to this podcast from the days when I was going to be a nuclear chemist. It was just shaking their head. Oh, you see, you were set up, you were set up for like a conflict

for the beginning because you're surrounded by nuclear chemists. Yeah. Yeah. If you're anything, if you're anything else, that's a disappointment, right? Yeah.

Which is insanity. Yeah. Right? Because like, It's a company town. What are you going to do? It's a company. Yeah. Well, see, it's a company town. Yeah. Life can't live off nuclear physicists. Yeah, we're doing pretty good.

They're good for death, though. They're like a super... I'm afraid at that. Yeah. So, anyway, I took judo. Laugh again. Go ahead. Oh, you got to start out. Oh, it tickles. So I took judo. Did you wear the little pajamas? Oh, yeah, you had to wear a ghee.

Yeah. Yeah, I took the karate pajamas. Yeah, I took the karate pajamas. I wore ghee. And, uh, which was great, by the way. They're very comfortable. Does that breathe that fabric? No, not one bit. Not at all, especially in an un-air-conditioned gymnasium. So wet teen Spencer taking judo.

Yes, it got better. This thick, sopping karate pajamas. They let us choke. Drink it in listeners. They let us choke each other out pretty frequently. So like, I remember a lot of- Florida's in the AAU, by the way, this is the moment that I want to point out that when the Big Tim brags about having all their schools in the AAU,

Florida is also in there, and this is what you get. Yeah, you get classes, judo classes where the guys, like yeah go ahead you know like you'll see a little pink around the fringe of your vision and you know things will go white but that's okay just tap like a brisket our boy will let you out right so i think half the class were like dudes just basically like oh is it no wait okay that's good um some really interesting fetish work came out of that class i'm sure so i found my partner my favorite partner in that class because it took like a couple of sessions right to figure it out um because we go and the guys like hey all right so welcome this judo we're just going to be like you know going back and

forth doing judo shit i'm going to show you how to throw people and how to like choke and you know do all this stuff right um you know also with the judo instructor we're like these what are these illegal strikes you're like oh i'll show you all the illegal strikes it's fine this is a nut punch don't ever do this bam um so my partner in that class is he a professor of karate no he's you know there's just lots of people who can walk into a university and kind of just, you know, do stuff. Adjuncts, lecturers, right? Instructors.

I'm a judo adjunct in Gainesville. Basically, yeah. Florida, is there literally a professor position called gym teacher? Yes, basically. Florida has leisure studies. This was Rex Grossman's major when he was at Florida. Leisure Studies is basically Florida, the major. it instructs people on how to manage golf courses, amusement parks.

Didn't we make a joke about Arizona State having this? No, yeah. This is no, no, it's completely real, yeah. There is no joke. I've never told a joke in my life because I went to Florida. You just have to describe. You said I took judo. Like I said, not even telling a joke.

All right. You laugh. I took judo. And my favorite partner was this 270-pime. With my tiny little short legs. And this gets funnier because my favorite partner was like a 260-pound. Venezuelan guy who would just like heave me 10 feet every throw right and everyone else in the class was like tap it out like I can't work with him because like he tries to go soft and like

throws me halfway across the gym and I was like I got this this will be fine it'll be my extra credit so we get to the end of the semester and they're like yeah we're going to have a written exam and I was like it was really sure we'll have a written exam it'll be fine there was a textbook. We were supposed to be reading it the whole time. Like the whole time. And it wasn't like a 20 page textbook. No, no. It was like a good 120 page textbook. Were there pictures? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there were pictures. Was there text we were supposed to read? Oh, you betcha. How much of it did I know? Oh, not much, reader. Listener. You. Not much. Didn't know, did know much of it. What did I get? I got a B. I got a B and I didn't read the textbook because apparently there's only so much you can know about you to

I think my answer to everything was Kadaiguruma And it worked That's fine So I've got to be in that Despite never having picked up the textbook Because the University of Florida is a fine This is the best part

This allows us to make our pivot The University of Florida is on the books It's basically being the second best Academic Institution in the SEC A title which when you say it out loud Sounds so much worse than it actually is It's the second best It's the second best academic institution in the SEC.

I told somebody Florida was like where they were ranked once in U.S. News and World Report when I looked it up. And they went to Syracuse and they were like, oh, I wonder what Syracuse is. And I was like, oh, Syracuse was two spots below Florida. And she goes, oh, man, what happened to Syracuse? To which I was like, hmm, it's as if your school is not as good as you think it might be. Syracuse got an indoor football facility. That's true. That's all they have.

Last I checked, that was a point of contention for you, folks. We have real estate issues, dang it. It's a hell of a judo gym, though. It's an amazing judo gym. I think the gym that we had that in, by the way, was condemned that, like, immediately afterwards for, like, asbestos. Oh, so was my favorite gym. Oh, cheers.

SEC, baby. Yeah. So this is also our way of pivoting to saying that the school you went to is dumb. It doesn't matter, which, like, there are a variety of dumb. Maybe different varieties of smart, but somewhere along the road. I stepped on my thesis. Well, this is, this is getting, you have a slightly different thesis. Mine is, minus that we can tell you how dumb your school is, even if it's a smart school.

For instance, if you're listening, what's a school that one of our listeners might have gone to, just to pick one at random? LSU. LSU. Okay. You're basically famously stupid. You're famously dumb. Randy Newman, I quote, from Rednecks. You went to LSU?

College men from LSU, when in dumb, come out dumb too. That's like on the books. You're like a reference for that. Admittedly, you're not Simpsons roostable in terms of Maggie. They're roastable. Maggie Simpson being, you know, Maggie Simpson being qualified to teach at Florida State per a Simpson's episode. But LSU, on the books is being fabulously dumb.

By that, I mean fable, by that I mean, on, you. like a person who writes lyrics would go, hmm, what's a dumb school? I've got to choose LSU. I was thinking more Michigan. Like, we're like, how's Michigan dumb? Oh, I thought we were starting in the SEC count of my thesis. Oh, no, no, no.

We're doing great. Yeah. It's all right. You trampled it. Going straight to the top. Just like you trample everything else. It's fine. Oh, God. Just short little legs. I'm just going to sit over here for a moment. I think he hit it with a judo stone. No, yeah.

No, the theory that I was operating under, which is that every school in the SEC is the same variety of dumb, just at different levels. But did they have different smarts? That's true. You said that, like, for instance, South Carolina, I'm just going to go ahead and give South Carolina fugitive smarts. Like, they'd all make really good at fugitives. Like, if you're from South Carolina. It's an interesting use of the subjunctive there. Yeah.

It is, and it's intentional. That's an English joke. Yeah, but, but yeah, that if, like, you needed somebody who was like, man, I wish I knew somebody who could put a file in a wedding cake, right? Give it to me in prison. I'm like, oh, hey, look, just a cake for you, buddy. That'd be South Carolina. What's Georgia's variety of smarts? Like, if we're all the same kind of dumb in the SEC, what's Georgia's variety of smarts?

Oof. Dry fit, like agricultural. What kind of is? Mm. everything's kind of a shade of Clemson like it's all agricultural in jesus i guess you add in some like fucking indie rock they want you to care about they're good at golf because if you devote enough hours to anything you can get better at it i think they can turn any environment into a comfortable suburban one no matter what right you're like wow man where did this georgia fan like mock up a camp

chair balances and skirted all their furniture has skirts on it you know that's their smarts we can turn anything into a doily. Yeah. We can do it. Then how do you distinguish that from Old Miss? Oh, we inherited our doilies at Old Miss. Yeah. Our grandpathy turned it into a doily.

This racist doily has handed down through six generations. Actually, I've seen this at work, and I know this. We all joke about varying ways of smuggling alcohol into something. We don't joke. Old Miss. Old Miss fans are the best people I have ever seen at finding various things and purchasing and researching and finding different ways to smuggle alcohol in because it's not

acceptable at any level of their socializing to do so, but they all drink. Who are these people doing research for this? It's not hard. I saw somebody with a necktie flask at an Ole Miss game. When I was a student, it was bourbon in the sunscreen bottle because they're flexible and you can just kind of squirt it into your mouth. You've got to rinse it real good for stuff. Yeah, I think I think Old Miss people are more into that like camouflage.

thing. Oh, we would do the Ziploc baggies in the bra too. Yeah, that's the Tennessee survivalist thing. That's what makes this different. Yeah, we're all like low-key preppers, even if you weren't actually raised a prepper. This is Tennessee's smarts, right? Is Hilljack prepper smarts? That's where they got it, right? You don't even make the distinguishing factor of being a prepper because it's like, well, why wouldn't I have two years for the flower? How are Kentucky fans different and smart in a different way? This. Raccoon smarts and living within the grid, but without a name, social security number of records. No, like, yeah, Tennessee is like, well, we're going to go up in the hills and hide out.

And Kentucky is like, we're going to hide out in the drop ceiling of this T.J. Max. And they'll never find us. What you got? Hey, man, we got wrestling. They got gum at the register. We got Food Network up in here. It's amazing. He's a boss, but of cakes.

This is why Kentucky and coals start with the same letter. Wow. When civilization crumbles, they're all going to meet there to. rebuild. That's a very Tennessee answer. Mississippi State, they know all the rules to baseball. Are they the only people who know all the unwritten rules to baseball? Is that Mississippi State's gift?

I think they were handed down to Mississippi State from on high. Also, yeah, I would trust Mississippi State in the SEC. They're the people who know how to cure meats. Yeah, they're quantifiable meat and dairy spars. Exactly. Like if somebody came through and they were like, hey man, listen. and we cured this ham. Only two schools I would trust on that if you were from a Tennessee grad or if you were a Mississippi state grad.

But man, if you're some Auburn guy and you're like, hey, man, I made a ham. I think it's so good. That is trinosis, my man. Yeah, you're like, that's green mold, Auburn, man. And that's bad. I know it for a fact. I think Auburn people, their special variety of smart. Um, Omerta.

Yeah. They're socially, I think, I think they're social cohesion. stronger than anyone else's in terms of Omerita. Yeah, we make your pastor saw that jokes about Georgia, but with Auburn, your pastor's in the pipes. Yeah, but he's in on it too, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Pass that special collection plate. Right. I don't trust Auburn to survive the apocalypse, but if they did, I trust them to survive it with like the gang intact, right? They would have their own internal Auburn Facebook that they organized on like note cards and stuff. I don't know. So all or nothing.

Auburn feels like the guy who shows up to the apocalypse bunker with $200,000 in a duffel bag and like no socks. Yeah, it's casual. Why are you going to wear socks? Yeah, and he's got his wiggins on to. Again, it's pat. It's in a pat die.

Since we know Auburn is the one that always turns out the opposite of expected, like either Auburn rolls up in a fucking tank. and somehow dies or, you know, rolls up wearing nothing but boxers and takes over the compound. I think that might be Georgia's skill, unnecessarily militarized policing. Also this, golf carts. They're the ones who are going to show it with the most golf carts. Unnecessarily militarized golf carts.

Yeah. Like golf cart of the apocalypse, that's a Georgia thing through and through. Florida fans unexpected smarts if we were all indeed the same variety of dumb. Serpentine. Florida's smarts will be this It will be substances We will be Florida

Florida people more than anyone else I know And I really credit a Like a whole combination of factors for this But I knew more people at Florida Who are like, hey, listen, I found out this gets you high Or I know this found out this gets you drunk Like they figured out more ways Like the person who made a bong out of a traffic cone

They went to Florida Okay. The person who figured out how to, the person who figured out, hey, I figured out how to smoke nutmeg, but not have screaming hallucinations and painful cramping, that person went to Florida. The person who went to Florida, who was like, yeah, listen, I found like a legacy safe full of like. You're going to say I found a leg. I found a leg. I turned a leg into a bomb. Yeah, that would, that would be somebody. That's fine. Disciplinary studies, but that's a body farm. That's true. That's true. Like, I know. somebody who used to um i know somebody who used to go to the primate lab at florida and just smoke pcp and watch the apes that's that's florida i married her yeah that's she's asleep did you hear that she used to go to the primate lab and smoke pcp it made her relaxed she's a lovely lady but that's that's florida smarts it's pharmaceuticals and i i mean all types of pharmaceuticals everything

recreationally if you want somebody who's on that fine razor edge of human experience who's going to be the bold pioneer who tries that thing for you you know when they do it they have a drug and they go this was initially designed to like slow down seizures in like extreme epileptics but it turns out that if you rub it on your eyeball in a paste right then it's an anti-anxiety drug a florida person found that out and they didn't do it intentionally it is it's like being it's completely like being an astronaut. The Florida person will have something for everything in your life, probably in their person, probably organized alphabetically. So I think that's our special variety of smarts. Amid the general wash of SEC dumb. Did we do Alabama? They got to have, I mean,

counting. It's counting. Counting. Just the best at counting numbers. It's industrial psychology. That's true. Convincing you of inevitability. process process it's all about process i think counten is definitely one of their gifts i think one of their secret smarts by the way are inventing petty rules so that they can count things or get things their way right like if you look at this at the code the like code of alabama they're all laws written to screw someone else over through absurd exclusion right like somebody in 1970s oh my god it's completely true and i for an eye a title for a title hanging gardens of bamalon that and uh you know the real eighth wonderful

world is too that's right toua toa too this week by the way came out like there's footage of him doing a hula dance which has to be a real conflicted moment how confused are they right now yeah doing a traditional dance well no you remember our our friend of the show uh raging cage and rebel who is of lebanese extraction uh used to talk about how he got through old miss unbothered because in his words they couldn't figure out what exactly I was yeah and that's got to be like which made it difficult to you know profile him yes remember this is the same fan base who at least one person on a message board has asked was the language barrier an issue for Tua who was born in Hawaii which is in the

United States far as we know yeah For Arkansas, can we go like digital espionage via dial-up modem? I kind of hate that I used raccoon smarts already because I feel like raccoon studies is got to be like a 300 level course at Arkansas. Maybe it's more, maybe it's more possum. Hey now. Yeah, I think Arkansas has. Now they are playing dead.

I think Arkansas actually, one of their smarts is this. The ability to function in a, okay. it's the hive mind it's the ability to function in a chaotic environment and somehow like thrive like people who come out of Arkansas when they come out of there they're the sharpest meanest people like Jimmy Johnson Jerry Jones right John Daly Houston Nutt all right we don't give Houston Nutt enough credit Houston Nutt came out of what he came out of Arkansas and was Houston Nutt and he still made a lot of money being Houston Nutt like think about that that's you're you're kind of saying a lot but kind of not saying anything. He came out as Houston Nut, and he's still Houston Nut. That sounds like something Houston Nut would say, actually. I mean, Houston Nut made more money than any of us have ever made. And what did he do?

Apparently not much because he keeps asking for more of it. New Year's Eve. New Year's, two bowls, two bowls. Took old consecutive. Executive, New Year's bowls. Brother. I just said, he worked that bit way further, right? What's Jerry Jones done?

Jerry Jones like Jerry Jones hit like what two two lucky shots at oil that were funded by other people and then he bought the compilis and then as far There's a little Georgia and Jerry Jones There's a little Georgia

What do you got? Whole heap of nothing Let's go Woo Like Jimmy Johnson's legit brilliant Barry Switzer's from Arkansas You know Barry Switzer had Pack of Smokes and two nuts

That's it Just getting the hell out of Arkansas on that alone. And you know, the deep irony here as people talk about, you know, Arkansas in terms, in derogatory terms when it comes to infrastructure and stuff like that.

Would you cross Arkansas internet for money? No. No. No. Not for all the Bitcoin in the world. Oh, man. Have they discussed, is it too late for Burtcoin?

Burt coin. The official currency of the flag. I mean, Arkansas, I will tell you this, you are correct. Arkansas can do more damage over a dial-up motive than any fan base. in the nation where did bert end up wash up uh he's a new england patriot that's a fascinating question no jason is correct like quality control or is he just interning up i think i think he might be belichick's bodyguard he was like following him around at the preakness or something like that oh wow

that's a pair of imposing silhouettes that's a lot of weird shirts yeah because Everyone knows about Belichick's shirts, but you look at the fucking duplow strength shackets they put on Burt? This is, this could really... Who was it that said it looked like he was wearing a grill coat? This could really pose a danger to Bert's next community. Can you imagine, you know, because right now the advantage of him in his previous Nike deal was that whatever was, whatever was emanating from his pores was sealed in to a degree. He cuts those sleeves off. That's a biohazard.

But it'll all freeze. Now he's up there where it's cold. Oh, Jesus, that's unpleasant. He's ice man now. Yeah. Ice Burt right ahead. Ice br. Oh.

I do like, though, that if you get now, if you get fired, you have to go on, like, coach rehab, right? And you have to, like, coaches do this thing where, like, one coach totes another one around and goes, like, he's actually good. Do you think Sabin tried to hire him and Bert made two? many sexual jokes in the interview. Hey, they call me Ice Bert because there's more down there than it looks like there is, you know.

I keep forgetting that's what he sounds like. You do a damn good bird. Like, that's crazy. The other thing that you should know, too, about Bert Bing with New England is that like there's no, I don't think there's an agent tradeoff here, right? Because sometimes you see a coach show up somewhere. And it's obvious that in the role they're in, there's some kind of a relationship or tradeoff being fulfilled, right? Post-firing in order to sort of rehab their image and push them forward and keep them as a viable source of income.

Not that we're talking about anybody in particular. Why is Sabin so susceptible to this shit? I'm actually asking. I don't think Sabin's ever made. I think he's one of those guys who's like make friends before you need them. I really think he's like, he's definitely one of those guys who's not an iconoclast. He's not one of these. Like, I think he's definitely one of those guys who's like, I could all, I really think you

thinks this, I could always be that guy. This is a longer conversation, but I wonder, because the reason I asked is I've, you know, he's run into trouble before where, you know, with players being given, this, this is a reach day with me here, but he's run into trouble before with players being given, uh, what's seen as too many chances after too many. reprehensible behavior incidents and his defenders have always come back uh with this notion that you know if he's got a greatest fault it's that he genuinely believes he can change people yeah no i mean past the point where it's realistic past the point where football would be the

appropriate vehicle for change and i'm just wondering if that extends to grown-ups that got serious and i'm sorry about that go back to jokes is it that that is it that he brought on butch jones to try and facetiously rehabilitate him as a coach so he can get him installed at like auburn i actually forgot about that yeah i think that's way more likely he's just seeding the clouds with his own dumb dull children he's like oh well hey look ls u you should probably hire butch jones he's been great here you think he looks at macklewain and muschamp and then looks at butch and he's like well this one clearly fell out of the nest before he was fully baked.

Let's pop this back in for a few more minutes. He can definitely work hard. I'm actually wondering what he wants for. Listen, people want to rag on him. His attendance was excellent. How could you possibly learn from him?

Unless you want to install him at Auburn. Okay. This is, this is by the way where we cut the crap and we just get to before we move on to if we want to discuss another conference we're not obligated to do that because as we all know there's really only two conferences there's god's conference there's god's conference and then there's the pack 12 for sleepy time yeah and then there's the big 10 for for an imaginary other that we

imagine the virtue conference they're fine they're fine I'm fine I'm fine fine I'm fine fine I'm fine fine I'm not actually mad I someone named like some lump name some name like Greg Greg from Minnesota No I'm fine You're not fine Greg Quit lying to me But to do the SEC academic rankings Per US News and World Report

Which is like we're gonna do it We're gonna do it okay Does Arkansas still permit a free press That's a good question I don't know if that's taken into account In US News and World Report We all know that the number one school in the SEC is Vanderbilt

Mostly because they pull students from outside the region. Yeah. One of two schools I got into. I've applied to two schools. I somehow got into Vanderbilt. And one of the biggest disasters of my life would have been going to Vanderbilt. I don't know what they're so proud about not being able to get a Duke for. Oh, man.

It's not even like you're going to be like a top flight white supremacist if you go to Vanderbilt. So Vanderbilt's number one. No, you're going to be the problematic. moderate. Let's see. So Vanderbilt is number one, obviously. Number two, that'd be the University of Florida, whose great scientific achievement is Gatorade. That's actually mentioned in AL.com's article, and they're like, I appreciate A.L.com instantly downplaying this, being like, the University of Florida, who invented Gatorade is number two in the SEC. you're reading from ale.com

covered this? Oh, oh yeah. Oh, I thought you were reading. This is how good a.l.com is that shit. If you're an ale.com, like, writer, worker, you know, you know that you're out there mapping the mind of the SEC football fan and people who want to make fun of SEC football fans, which I respect. Because you know, you're like, some big 10 schmuck is going to want to read this.

And I'm just going to put it right in their, I'm going to put it in their veins for them. They read books, asshole. They don't look up the University of Iowa's academic ranking. we have a great creative writing workshop yeah that's academics yeah you let him hand a horovath shut up yeah please so uh do you care to guess what number three is Mississippi State Texas A no man no you're close you're close you're close and I will tell you the Jason's close I think in agricultural it is the University of Georgia yeah which contains great programs in

and also number four though Jason is correct that's Texas A&M which is a way better Texas A&M is a better school than Mizzou It is

I trust them more like Mizzu's like We have a great journalism program You're like What actual disciplines do you have What sciences do you have Is that a thing? Texas A&M by the way

That's like low key We didn't do them Texas A&M They're the smartest people In the SEC You can quote me on that Like they're the ones who can actually make shit

you're like oh man it'd be great if we had a grill where you could cook a whale like if you just have like a whale size grill and they'd be like what kind of whale what kind of whale you're dealing with the right whale the ass can be like it's global warming real and they'd be like no no no no no but what kind of whale we can make that grill I think all you got to do is you just got to say like hey I heard Texas couldn't figure out how to solve global warming spend some time in college station and look from horizon to horizon and don't tell me it's not a logical conclusion that the earth is flat yeah

saying but you're right all they'd have to do is like bait texas in there you'd be like hey i heard the longhorns like we're uh trying to make a fusion reactor be like the man i can't believe you didn't write about texas a and m texas for your rivalry series oh except that they're not a rivalry it's not a rivalry yeah not neither side heard that make out uh this is where it starts to get painful just kiss y'all this is where it starts to get real painful like real painful If the next one is Kentucky, I swear to God. It's almost this bad. Actually, I think it's worse

given that an SEC coach made a famous joke about the academics at this place. So is it Auburn or Tennessee? That would be East Alabama Mail College. A.K.A. Auburn University. Auburn University is the fifth ranked school in the SEC. see. I like East Alabama

Mail College because that means that theoretically there's a magazine called East Alabama Mail out there floating somewhere. It might be that prepper magazine that we found at the grocery store this week. Lapelles! Can't be wide enough. Go ahead. Put them on out to the shoulders.

It just gets worse from here. It really does. Yeah, that's the point of starting at the top of the rankings. No, no. I mean, it gets, it falls off. Oh, cool. This is not like a gradual declination, right? It's not like, a little great you know it's not like a plateau that gently no it's like plateau and then at number 208 in the nation uh the next one is university of south carolina yeah we're really

taking some big strides down he's so cold oh i wasn't expecting to be in the 200 i'm ready i'm ready to drop the hammer hard on the the next to next one not the next one but the one after the next okay because number 218 in the nation is LSU which okay that's fair like that doesn't surprise me you're like LSU they got some great coastal wildlife preservation program you know you got some people who know how to do some seriously academic Louisiana things they're their ecological side no they don't have two nickels to rub together no no how much are they how much they pay in their their football people um never mind um what happened to Bobby Jindle that's that's That's a real interesting question.

Number 2.23. A school, by the way, that is ranked below. Let's review LSU, South Carolina, and Auburn. Ole Miss. And Auburn. You're ranked below Texas A&M. Rick Perry graduated from there. And he's like pedigreed smarter than anyone who went to this school.

The University of Missouri, Columbia. Hey, guess who Missou is tied with? Who is Missou tied with? Georgia State. Which, by the way, astonishes me because, like, Georgia State's awesome. They're great.

I love that school. Love it to death. Like, I know somebody... Georgia State doesn't even have a campus. Georgia State makes lives better, man. Georgia State is just a series of office floors you get to via, like, Assassin's Creed jumps. University of Missouri is evidently, like,

series of columns and lies that's it and Cheryl Crow don't forget Cheryl Crow in here homewrecker home wrecker dated Lance Armstrong please below that at 243 we have the University of Tennessee Knoxville who hey they got that right you got astronauts though we got a lot of astronauts that's right which no no this is it we're again we are we are declining rapidly here 283 or I'm sorry 264 we got the University of Alabama good gracious hey let me let me remind you okay number 264 if we take that 4 and that 2 and you multiply that's 8 and then you take 8 and the 6 that's 14 that's getting

to the number of titles that we'll claim for Alabama Alabama does get in there right I do that right sure sure wait what number is that again 264 you can't get there I really tried what the kick six joke or the one second joke oh oh no I tried to get into kick six I couldn't quite get there yeah but I will say this Auburn does soundly be the University of Alabama academic rankings yeah Auburn's got a big nursing program, don't they? They have a really good nursing school. They do, and they also train exploding dogs.

Never forget, Auburn. That was my favorite EDSBS era. What was the exploding dogs at Auburn era? The Auburn School of Exploding Dog Studies. Yeah. 283, University of Arkansas. Hey, that's respectable Arkansas. Because guess who you're still above?

At 310, you're above... Oh, my God. You're above the University of Kentucky. Hey, real quick. my alma mater it now ranks above SEC schools now that we've crossed the 300 hell yeah

see we're in this vague range it only says number 231 to number 300 I don't know where they slot us they don't even care we're in the grab bag above Kentucky hoot hoot bitch uh this is when it gets real bad I'm just gonna this is the heart of darkness here

it wasn't already real bad oh it's about to get worse all right because you're about to hear the saddest brag in the world, which is that Ole Miss grads are always like, Mississippi State, we're a better school than you. Yeah, that's because the university. No, you just got mudroos. That's the only difference.

359. 359. That's the University of Mississippi. And at 425, at 425, bringing up the back, but with a turf management program, which is the Harvard of turf management programs, and the creamery, and the creamery,

and actually no one, how to do stuff and having a real life smarts unlike those tea sippers over in Oxford and a McAllister's deli and a cookout. That's on top of the... Oh, that's on top of the Chick-fil-A. Oh, we got a re-rank.

We over it. And the McDonnells. We over the Chick-filet in Starkville. Okay. Where else can you get... Also, they got a barbecue place that serves snout. Where else are you going to get snippers? But... Not an honest. They're too good for the whole pig. And not

a single baby named Caden on campus. us at you anything. Not one. Mississippi State, they still name people respectable things like Hank. Hank and Crowbar. Truck. Truck. And Dack. And Dackett. It's starting to sound like a just a big cave that people emerge from. Behold, Dackett. My daughter. Along with. Dekfony. Dekfony. I mean, it works. I'm not going to say it doesn't work.

Like, it kind of rolls off the tongue, right? Daxabelle. Dachfany, Priscata. I love it. It's Italian. Yeah, they're at 425. How much time do we eat up reading those off real slow? Man, I don't know.

I had a blast. I wouldn't try to eat up time. That was 30 minutes. We just did 30 minutes on that. Real quick. Like, what's the dumbest school in the pack 12? Like, if you're just going to... Probably not Arizona State.

No, no, Arizona State's where you return again to the realm of raccoon's parts. Like, you might arrest them. They'll chew through the wires and maybe the cuffs. They will, too. Yeah. Their gifts lie in other areas is what we're saying. The Lordblood. Insurance fraud.

Yeah, insurance fraud or, you know, party and... Elder abuse. That's... Probably. I mean, I don't know. that's a Florida specialty thank you very much you'll have a lot in common we listen Florida and Arizona

like if you just took all the water out of air if you took all the water if you drained Florida if you drained the swamp would you just have Arizona State Arizona is like the Florida that you set in Arizona is the Preppers Florida it's the tub of dehydrated Florida yeah but my favorite

they're rid of the scourge of spring baseball that's true my favorite thing by the way is of course when when people in the Big Ten are like are extremely prestigious state schools. Yeah, really?

You want to go on that? I only believe that about Wisconsin. Ohio State, it's a real good school. How many people in there are like tan on a regular basis? I refuse to believe it's like a really good school based on the sole number of people

who use fake tanners. based on that alone actually university wisconsin is pretty high up there no i meant it yeah no no no they're they're way up there you know and i know like so if their jack-old governor would quit screwing his state universities out of you know having teachers in him and whatnot it'd be a fine place to send your children so uh guess the big 10's lowest ranked school is it 80th it's lower than 80th Is it lower than 80th? Is it... They got...

They got one in the triple digits. Oh, oh, forsooth. Goodness. Cazooks. Is it northwestern? Please be Northwestern. It's not Northwestern. I know it's not Northwestern.

It is in you. Actually, it's U.N. U.N. L. Nebraska, 111. Nebraska. You have the triple option of. Accept it, accepted. Or waitlisted, but what accepted. You're not rejected.

I also enjoy, like, Iowa. Iowa's 82nd, right? Like, they're around. Basically Harvard. You know, Michigan State, they're 82nd, too. They're tied with Iowa, which seems like a real, like, traditional thing. If you told me in any situation that Michigan State and Iowa tied eight to two, I'd get it. Yeah.

Eight to two. Yeah, that's a Michigan State Iowa game. how many overtimes would it take for Iowa and Michigan State to tie at 82? That's like a 57 overtime game. I went to an SEC school. I really can't tell you. Yeah, couldn't tell you. I do know this, that, like, my favorite other thing is Wisconsin being a better school than Ohio State.

There's nothing more to be in Purdue. Well, Purdue makes sense. Yeah, Purdue's an engineering school. I'm defending Purdue. not according to the internet yeah that's true remember you talk about Purdue at all I also enjoy that the University of Illinois

like Urbana champagne is actually a really good school but like it's in Urbana champagne so nobody wants to go through the pain of going there like what if you could go to MIT but it smelled weird was in a bad part of Illinois I just realized I don't know

who Illinois's football coach is I know we've done this on the show before too. Lobby Smith that's right that happened still levy smith yeah okay it's illinois so you got to check

no it is you know but like yeah university village is like a really good school and nobody actually wants to go through the agony about going there because it's basically like Kentucky but without the regional charm which you know if we really want to talk about fancy

lad schools we ought to take a visit to our cousins at the ACC is that the last one we do yeah and as long as we agree that the big 12 may be low-key the dumbest conference i don't i don't actually think it's us just as a quick skim it has three in us in double digits everybody else is down here and the triples with us who's the lowest like what's the lowest ranked team of the big 12 um well with holly on the on the call

I'm hesitant to say. Wait, do I have a partisanship in the Big 12? I forget. You do. But yeah, you do now. Uh-oh. As of a few years ago. It's West Virginia.

Oh, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Where are they, where are they squatting? Are they in the 400s like Mississippi State? So I'm not sure. We're looking at two totally different lists because this one has, for example, um, Mississippi State at 176, not four or something.

I'm not going to be bothered to look up with an attack here. I forgot they were in the Big 12. That's how great that conference footprint is. Oh, yeah. But this one has West Virginia down by Mississippi State, albeit on a different scale. We can't play school. That's fine. Yeah.

They don't give doctorates and crouches in the bushes with a machete between your teeth. Although they should. My mother would have gotten one. I will tell you this, that we can go ahead and throw the ACC's academic rankings out because Duke's number one. Have you ever met anyone from Duke that you would trust to like, I don't know. drive your car three blocks I haven't maybe I would trust them to design a sociopathic robot that would drive my car oh so they'd make themselves yeah right just to show themselves all right so we can just throw number one out right like Northwestern doesn't count at Big Ten because I don't know

anyone from Northwestern is actually done like anything that was like useful to society at all anyone is it like rachel is it like rachel nichols like rachel nichols is pretty much the greatest northwestern graduate it's it's like her and that's it we still like roger we like what i mean rogers wonder i wouldn't say he's accomplished great things mind you i'm just saying we still like it yeah i don't know like i would i would really esteem like the graduates of say like you know boston college above that, right? Andrew Sharp.

And, Andrew, Wake Forest. Tim Duncan went to Wake Forest, damn it. Wake Forest produced the internet's own Deluce Cascavale.

Yeah. Also, you'll laugh and enjoy this. Notre Dame, again, another place where I'm like, I don't know about that production, y'all.

Let's see that roster. ACC program, Notre Dame. Yeah, they're listed under the ACC. You're in the family, Notre Dame. Stop acting like you're not. you leave your toothbrush there

you sleep there you're in a relationship with them that's squatting I'm sorry that's common law right you're living in sin Notre Dame also UVA's in that like top three or four yeah cool that's fine what'd you

major in writing for the National Review okay great yeah go enjoy that there's like basically like Chris Long and DeBrickishaw Ferguson rest of y'all your suss yeah this is a fancy ass conference. I mean, you look down, okay, Georgia Tech, they make stuff. Virginia Tech, they make stuff. Louisville, way down at 171, they make pizza. Like, this is a conference heavily tilted

in favor of people who don't actually accomplish. I think this is actually our conference that produces the most fancy lad fascists. Like, if you're looking, this is a heavy, this is real heavy on fancy lad fascists. Well, Richard Sherman, of course, is a dual ACC degree holder. Of exactly the two schools you'd expect for this sort of thing. Did I say Richard Sherman? What's the dude's name? Richard Spencer. Yeah, that guy. I would never, I would never, like, I get all the way down.

Like, before I find anything, I find socially acceptable, like the first school I find socially acceptable where I'm like, I wouldn't break out in hives hanging out with all of you is actually the University of Miami. Because I'm like, Gloria Stephan and I, I could vibe. It'd be fine. Do they have judo? Yeah, I mean, you have your Clemson, your Louisville, you know, you've got a few normal people, North Carolina, of course. There are no students there, so we'd fit in fun. Like, Clemson at seven. Like, Clemson's ranked seventh in the conference.

Clemson has some of the most low-key, intelligent people I've ever, like, worked with or been with. Because you're like, man, this person went to Clemson, and they're, like, loud and have a huge accent. And holy shit, they have a Ph.D. and biostats? What the hell? This happened to be, like, twice for I've been like, really? Wow. They're extremely intelligent, and I am surprised by that. Like, it's a tough conference when, like, down in the bottom, you got, like,

Virginia Tech Virginia Tech's got some smart-ass people Virginia Tech is the school that I would trust to rebuild society in a post-apocalyptic world maybe more than any other school in the country Yeah like what's the top of this conference going to do get a bunch of Duke grads who are going to rebuild society

They'll make great kindling Do you have interns? Does the post-apocalypse have interns? So Jason I want to discuss something Very important and personal To both of us I can't wait to discuss this. That'd be this. Did you watch the Royal Wedding?

I didn't. I awoke during what felt like hour 17 of it, according to the timeline, and then checked in throughout the day. And around hour 73, things seem to wind down. I saw the one very good meme where they're astonished by what's in the sky, though. yeah well let me tell you this there's nothing more beautiful in seeing two people in love celebrate that love in front of everybody and you don't want you don't want any distractions from that you don't want anything to pull your attention away from that but I did keep noticing something all right that's in between the beautiful floral arrangements

and the gorgeous monologue about the power of love and the transformative power that love has to change our world, all right? And that was a beautiful thing that Michael Curry said. I did have one problem. One thing kept distracting me. You know what was that?

No. I think Harry and William need to drop the top, man. All right? They got to do something about that hair loss. because the royal family they're a lot of things money red hair they got a lot of buildings

but you know what they don't have a lot of hair particularly William not very hairy no for a guy named you think he would be for a guy named Harry um yeah

the name itself not very fitting I know that the beard is migrated southward to compensate for the loss up north but in a marriage when you get married that wedding is before the eyes of the lord as in above and you know what the lord saw just a big old a big old spreading mushroom cloud of a bald spot i mean listen a little a little atoll of red hair surrounding a sea of flesh just rising up to cover everything around it both both for william especially and for harry we're saying they're bald and you know what they're not alone i don't want to i don't want to bald shame

them because baldness is a condition it's just it's just a reality 66% of their men by 35 it's gone y'all not just not just their men all all men according to the document in front of us all men yeah remember royals they were basically the only people who had teeth They're the ones who could never brush their teeth and keep them until they were like 40. And that qualified you as royalty ordained by God in the 1100s, right? That's how the Windsor's got the job in the first place, right? The problem is, once you see it, the rising sea levels of flesh around all that hair. Ew.

It's too late, man. It's too late. Yeah, you're doomed already. Yeah. And that might be you. Because I know, I'm going to speak truth to your heart here. Okay, I'm going to look at you. It might be you.

And you'll know it. You'll know it. You'll be like, no, man, it's all good. It's not, it's, it's not good. It's not you because listeners to this program are millennials, attractive. Oh, you're all beautiful. We're incredibly popular among like 22-year-old women who love college football. but for your dad who is losing his hair.

Yeah, definitely your dad. Definitely not our listeners who are all extremely young and him. Yeah, but I will tell you this, right? You could have a bunch of, you could have a bunch of like amateur solutions to this, but why are you going to do that? You know what you should do. You should go to forehems.com. That's forhems.com.

Multiple hymns, not just you, because you're not alone in this, all right? hymns like songs no no no no although it is a song of praise for taking a proactive solution to hair loss just just get in there man forhems dot com it's it's all you need for not only hair loss by the way but skin care it's not vain it's self-care it's not veins it's just got veins in it that's right all right they can do it they can they can help you with all kinds of stuff hair loss skin care little something for that umpump if you're not feeling quite as umpump as you used to

right you're lacking the motivation that that it means that you need to uh to you know to get it done where it counts by that I'm talking about sex for men for you for hymns.com for men

all right for extremely masculine men because you know what Harry? Harry's getting married. Do you think he consummated the marriage that night? No, I mean, that probably happened like well before. They're adults and it's a serious relationship to the 21st century, all right? What?

But if he did, and he was bald, might affect how he felt about things. And baldness? Baldness is optional. You know why? Science. So go to forehems.com, all right? There's no awkward doctor visits. It's super easy.

And it's not snake oil. all you have to do answer a few questions the doctor review and they'll prescribe you the solution to baldness which again do they have snake oil is that an option there's not enough people left who want an oil

a snake that's right there are a lot of people want an oil snake for hymns.com I don't know go check it up maybe they can help you with that but what I'm saying product shipped directly to your door damn yeah so I don't have to go pick up the shit from a Croatian in a pickup

truck behind the Shoney's at 1 a.m. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but if you don't want to do that, for Hems.com can help you, okay? If you don't want to fill up St. George's Chapel, all right, with the wealthy and powerful and tell everybody, hey, I got a massive bald spot, and God and the BBC competitor team is going to see it, but not say anything about it because they're too polite and I'm a royal. That's cool. Guess what? You're not a royal.

nobody's going to call Harry on his bald spot, right? But on you, they're going to know. They're going to be like, you've got to drop the top, bro. And if you want to keep that beautiful rooftop garden, just blooming up top, forhims.com. For men. Also, if you order now, folks, you get a trial month for just $5 while supplies last.

They won't last long because, as mentioned, everyone on this program has a dad, who's going bald. So once the stampede of dads is just going to, it's just going to empty the warehouses of the stuff. So go to the website, F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash shutdown.

That's how you get the deal. Yeah, slash shutdown. Also, I'm just going to put this out there if you're a young guy, but you just want more hair. If you're just thinking, I got a ton of hair, but wouldn't be crazy if I had more?

I don't know. Maybe they can help you with that too. Smear it on your face. See what happens. Yeah. Bye. Well, fan. Thank you.

Thank you.