Shutdown Fullcast - Let's Make Coaches Earn Their Pay

Episode Date: May 30, 2018

At least half of FBS coaches made $1 million or more last season, and there doesn't seem to be any workable, smart way to keep those salaries from continuing to balloon. Fortunately, we have several dumb and bad ways to offer instead, as well as timely opinions on:ShrekFootball in the northeastImproving a mediocre football teamRap beefs and how white dads should not be your source for information on themThe first down chainOne pot mealsStar Wars, yet again Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. It's the Internet's only college football podcast. Remember, an important part of college football is beef with a rival. Like, I don't know. It's talking about great rivalries. Like, push a T and Drake, two college football teams. This is what happens if Texas and A&M ever get back together. It's going to go exactly like that.

Which? Not that they're rivals. I would never say that they're rivals. No, no, no. Isn't Texas is Drake in this example? Oh, Texas is 100% Dr. No, it's not even close. I think this one is if UCF ever actually got Bama.

Wait, which one is Bama? We'll push his Bama in this scenario. Oh, that's just one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just the way it is. The universe doesn't bend to our feelings, as Drake recently learned.

Oh, no, that's a great point. But it is, but this is like every we want Bama school. Like, this is that moment for them. It's like, oh, oh, they're here now. Well, shouldn't have done that. Okay. How about, here's your whole life and everything that about it? Drake is Vandy then.

Drake is Vandy when Vandy wanted Bama last year and extremely got Bama. Jesus. Yeah. I think the underestimation here is always this, which is an Alabama player wouldn't actually pull a spine buster on me at the 50 in the first quarter. Yeah. Yeah, they would. Yes, they would.

Yes, they would. Dominique Foxworth, yes. just a few minutes ago, pointing out that all, he started by saying that all music genres need disc tracks, which is true, but he then corrected himself to say that all professions need the equivalent of rap battles. And I agree because I was trying to think of other professions that do this. And it's basically rap and like challenging for first chair French horn. Which is the rap of the orchestra? Oh, totally. Yeah. Yeah. I like this because Wikipedia is too scared to really even

describe that like it's all under the Lil Wayne and Drake section of Pusia. You've got to hide from Pusia. Controversies. Yeah. It's just, ooh. This is, if you don't know what we're talking about, it's probably better if you

go learn on your own. I feel like three white dads explaining to you is maybe the saddest way that you can experience this beef, right? Holly, you're a white dad as well. Congrats. Oh, totally. Yeah. Large sun is across

for me we can explain it to you we can catch you up on all of these things but basically a couple of lines in one push a tea song led to a disc track by drake where drake suggested among other things right and again this is this is you know we are i think contextual experts in shit talking yeah this is this is how we approached this yes right so in these um i believe drake mentioned that he doubted that push a tea had sold as many drugs as he had claim to sell. That's that's really like, and that he was old. He said you are, he basically said, you are actually not the world's greatest drug dealer of all time. You are actually kind of a nice guy. And for that, for that error, Drake's life was ended because if there's one thing you don't do, it's called push a motherfucking tea, a nice guy.

He's not nice. He's very mean. This is his way of issuing a correction. Yeah. Yeah, this is like, this is literally live corrections. I said this before recording, but arguing to push as like arguing with Israel. No, no, you lob Iraq, I mean, tactically, you lob Iraq in their general direction. And they have a 10-kilaton warhead.

It's not going to be a proportionate. And would like to know if you would like to try it again. It's not going to be a proportional response. It won't be humane. It won't be fair. It won't even be funny. It'll be bad. It's incredibly funny.

because it starts with Pushus saying he wants to have a heart to heart. Can I just say this? He didn't say where your heart is located. Yeah, I want to get to that about this track, which is this. If you listen to it, it actually sounds like really good advice, a lot of it in it. Does it? It does it. Yeah, you should take care of your son that you didn't want the world to know about and that I just revealed.

Yeah, that he just revealed for the first time. And his mom's a porn star. Mm-hmm. And that his mom's a porn star. Your partner is a sex worker Exactly and says what Push is being positive Sex positive

Make her your world Come on Yeah love the people in your life Okay what about all this shit about your dad left It's time hey man it's time to square up with that It's time to acknowledge the past and learn from it Yeah I mean let's put in how it And address how that might affect your relationships

today. Exactly. Let's quit putting it like on the track and let's put your heart on the tracks to happiness. That's what Push is saying. It's just the presentation is a little sideways. God. I wish this happened in college football because it'd be like Jim Harbaugh says some shit about Michigan State not being the program they used to be.

And then the blowback is immediately from Michigan. First of all, you're a man's a bitch. I feel like that's the perfect example because that exact one, I feel like that actually does happen. Like Jim Harbaugh pops off with his little shit and then D'Antonio puts him in place. Like that one actually does happen. One thing we really don't talk about is how Jim Tarbaugh has Lane Kiffin's exact playbook and just a better resume. And when Jim Harbaugh does this shit, we all call it charming on the internet. I like by the way Jason that's that's Jim Harbaugh from now on right we're just

yeah thanks thanks I am also astonished to at this by the way that in it after Drake goes yeah you're a really nice guy pusha and one of the parts that I can't really sell as being good advice reminds him that his best friend and producer has MS yeah um Um, rap battles, uh, don't, don't get into one. That's, that's my life advice. Try not to get mixed up into one. Um, especially with one, especially with somebody who will be invested in like research,

oppo research. This is like a political ad, basically. Oh. It's like, did you, did you know the following about Drake? In the original line, in the original line that pissed Drake off so much, he compared Drake's writing to Russians hacking the election. This is how this should. started oh my god push push hired cambridge analytica he hired he hired black cube black cube yeah an actual intelligence gathering organization that out of israel that is called

black cube that does oppo research and other sort of shady things black cube it's my favorite i want to open like a sausage truck and just call it black cube black cube yeah just unrelated right That's a good name for a slider truck Aren't you curious about it though Like if I just have a truck with no details on it And I just label it black cube People will be like what's in there Maybe like it's like licorice

Yeah exactly It's artisanal licorish No it's sausages I just totally unrelated I don't want a cube of sausage It's already weird enough Why do you have a gun? Don't worry about it To shoot the sausage

Yeah I the other thing about this that uh besides the opo research that pusha actually inevitably put into this which I don't doubt there's like an 800 page dossier where push is going to be like listing times in elementary school that Drake got put into a trash can the Drake pee tape is real what is it it's just this one time we videotaped him accidentally peeing on the floor a little bit before he got it in the drink it's real embarrassed I like how any claim I hear in a rap song I'm like wow that shit happened but like if I read it in a newspaper report it's like I'm going to need to see what the other side says I'm going to need to wait for the rebuttal I don't let's weigh the facts if you set that shit to a beat I will believe it push is just like here here Drake here's a recording of every time you told somebody you too after they said have a nice flight here's all of them daisy chain together you know a month ago when this day started

We were all kind of rejoiced and gathered around the archaeological photo of the young man who apparently survived the explosion of Mount Basuvius only to get smashed from the ribs up by a gigantic block of granite. And yeah, Drake set out to make out a whole bunch of memes and now he's the meme. So he got crushed by a rock, huh? We should try to tell you he slings wrong. Literally, literally, like David v. Goliath, he'll sling rocks and bring you down, son. Don't do it. Do not mess with push a tea. This is my favorite thing ever, because who could not have seen this coming?

Like, oh, I'm sure it'll be a charming repost, a rebuttal of great frivolity. It's like a fucking fencer challenging dusty roads or something. Well, this is, anybody who has a brother that they've pushed too far, has been in this situation where you're just like slapping each other and you're just like ah we're just fucking around then you're like holy shit he just stuck a pencil two inches into my thigh

what the oh my god I gotta be nicer to this I'm sorry Todd I'm sorry Jesus God damn it Todd Push a Todd Push a Todd The like softest rapper on the planet named Pushers push a Todd

Pusher Todd Pusher Todd Pastor Todd Pastor Todd Pastor Todd Pastor Troy Actually, Pastor Troy works both ways You're like, Pastor Troy

And Pastor Troy Yeah It's a very subtle difference Troy, he went to Elon He's a real nice guy He went to Troy Yeah, he went to Troy He was the chaplain at Troy University

He is He's had of FCA there Just a great dude Phnominal We're not here to We're not here to fix rap beefs. Yeah, this had nothing to do with their plant topic. No, we're here to encourage more of them elsewhere. Yeah. We're here to encourage more of them, but we are here with an important

task. I think between the four of us, we have enough terrible ideas that we can fix something else, and that's coaching pay. Jason, how did we get to this task in the first place? So the state of California, I haven't really read it in great detail, but there's a Apparently, a proposal that would limit public employees to $200,000 in salary. Public employees, of course, this would include college football coaches, most of them, except for Stanford, USC, so forth. I don't know. Are there any in, like, the Patriot League or whatever? I don't know.

Anyway, is that in California? I don't know. Sure, sure. So we started talking about this topic. and threw around some terrible ideas and didn't discuss other terrible ideas, but that'll start now. Yeah, because first of all,

if you're capping coaching salaries at 200K in California, good luck. You'll be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment that you split with your fellow coaches. That's what 200K in California gets. This is why John L. Smith coaches every team. I'm making a million bucks. either that or we're going to see some great coaches at Cal State Fullerton.

Hey, get that football team going. We're talking about affordable housing. Oh, and all the California schools have terrific mascots, too. You're going to see slim, like, actual banana slugs teams popping up. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. This is a great plan. So I want to bring up my first proposal. And this is what I'm going to call the golf model of pay.

I think it's going to appeal, obviously, to SEC, ACC, Big 12, and probably some big 10 things. The Pioneer League, that's what I was thinking of. Sorry, continue. You were close. It's fine. And basically what, so let's take the SEC as an example. Here's how it works. Everybody gets, all coaches are going to get some base level of pay. It's going to be low. We're going to say it's, I don't know, $100,000. And then after that, we're just doing a, like a golf tournament, first, place is getting, you know, $4.8 million, second place is getting $3 million, third places, and just down on the line. And the reason I like this form is because it makes the end of the season when we're saying, oh, there goes, there's the Kentucky Tennessee game. Nobody

cares about, especially Tennessee fans. Oh, now it's actually hugely important. Now there's, now there's $300,000 riding on it for the winter. Isn't that great? All of it. all the rivalry games that maybe don't matter one year or aren't going to impact who's going to win the West and play for the SEC championship. Nope, we have huge amount of money riding on these things and it's going to be fucking great and it's a perfect plan and it appeals to everybody who likes golf anyway.

So this is putting a purse on each college football game. Yes, yes. Well, we're putting a purse on the conference as a whole. It does. So you're basically going to get your, you're going to get your base pay, and that's going to cover, like, the non-conference games you play, and this is where you say, well, the SEC doesn't play anybody out of conference. Anyway, sure, great.

But the rest of it is just, we've just created basically a 14-team season-long golf football tournament, and this is how we're going to figure out who's going to finish with a lot of money, and who's going to finish with money. Because technically, we're going to get years, like last year, for example, remind me, where did Alabama finish in the SEC overall? Third. That's third place money for Nick Sabin.

So they can talk all the shit about what we played for a national championship and Auburn didn't. And that's true. But you know what? Under this system, it's just about who won the goddamn Masters. Which, again, for SEC fans, appropriate. It's only about who wins the goddamn Masters.

Speaking of, and speaking of as AC teams not sketching out of conference, you think that was bad before. Man, nobody's going to play Boise now. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're taking that week off, if any. Yeah, how many games do you have to play? That's all we're playing. I would actually put a more, I would put an equally compatible framing on this and call it the money in the bag match.

Mm-hmm. Plan every single time. Money in the bag. Who gets the money in the bag? We just introduce it. right before every match now i believe we have a corollary which is going to be the state by state one where rather than limiting them to uh pay by conference we're simply doing it for state universities in the same state right that for instance alabama since california has bravely

decided to go forward and offer two hundred thousand dollars as a capped salary for coaches right that alabama would of course see the wisdom in this legislation and come forward and say, you know, we don't think that anyone coaching football should make more than $16 million a year. It's just about restraint. It's about restraint. But in true, like, snap the pool cue over your knee and throw it in front of three guys auditioning for the same job. What we do is for any in-state teams playing each other at a rivalry game, that salary is apportioned to the winner of that. game, right? We'll give them a base salary. We don't want you to starve too much. But on the whole, if Alabama has $16 million at stake or an in-state rivalry game, it's going to be a lot

more on the line for Gus Mousin and Nick Saban. Now mind you, here's the other kick. Is any of this going to the players? No. No. We can hack this though. We just we just turned it, we'd convert all that into semesters of tuition. That way Nick Saban can finally get his master's. In what, you'll call it management he says you'll call me doctor nick god damn it that's it nick saban has 42 phds good god call me murring gel man because i got brains he's he stands on him to reach the top shelf at the grocery store ah there we go um i like that one too because that makes the pain of the egg bowl like four times as amazing especially because mississippi's cap would i think be somewhere under 16 million. I'm just guessing.

I have another one I want to propose. So the conferences and the NCAA as a whole is trying to figure out what to do in this world where sports gambling is now a more public, acceptable thing. So this is one I call the over-under double or nothing, and it works like this. Jason, what's the over-under total for Texas football? and I know you know this because you tweeted out like an asshole. 8.5, over.

Okay. Okay, so what we do is we go to Tom Herman and we say, okay, before the season, you have two choices. You can get your base salary. Let's say it's $500,000. None of the added like, oh, you hit your APR, you made a bowl game, blah, blah, blah,

nothing. If you take the under, you get that, but that's all you get. You can't accrue anything. You know, you're sort of, have played it safe and said, just give me what I am owed for showing up to work. Or you can take the over. Now, if you hit the over, you're going to double whatever that base salary is. So if it's a million dollars, now you're making two. But if you hit the under, if you can't quite get

that ninth win, you get nothing. You get zero. And we make all of this incredibly public. We make all of them talk, you know, whether it's a week before the season or whatever, we build a whole TV event out of that because God knows we need more meaningless non-sports television about sports. And then that's what we get because how many college football coaches are going to go on TV and say, yeah, I'll take the under. No, they're all proud, proud boys. And they're all going to say.

Yeah, we're going to win 11 goddamn games. I don't care that we won three last year. We got the heart of a champion, and it's going to explode. I think Kirk Farns has taken that under. Just got a good deal. Let this thing ride. Just get to six and punt. Maybe we'll go over.

That's cool. Already got a lot of money. Kirk will be like, how can I get seven and a half wins exactly? Well, there's no way. How can I get seven and a half wins exactly? What do I get for that? ham sandwich you're on that's called accuracy right if you can give me 7 5 I hit 7 5 what do I get I mean if I can't put to the 7 1⁄2 yard line why can I do that if we go to 28

overtimes and that's a tie that's that's a 0.5 I I also think by the way the the coaches who would not do well with this are the most amusing for instance Sparger would have done that right Spart have been like I don't know if we're going to win two games I don't know if we're going to win none we might have a hard time getting to zero boys we can't even put our shoes on straight I quit I've seen y'all

total like I still have total admiration for Steve Spurge's approach to that which was I think you boys have got this I can't help it's bad bye no no you demonstrably don't have this and bye sure sure did hit an iceberg back there didn't we

Well, you know what? Women and children first, but I know who's going to be second. It's going to be Georgia. Jesus. Near my golf to thee. I'm sorry. No, that was good. I'm not.

No. Yeah, no, I think the other one that I have, the other suggestion I have for fixing coaching salaries is this, that I think, I think, think that in addition like there should be a base salary and then everything else should be bonus and it should be determined entirely by fan voting like how much are we going to pay the coach after the game there's an apportioned amount of a salary how much you think you should get if it's 200 grand i don't know maybe we're not feeling too good about that loss to uh i don't know Troy, maybe we're not feeling real great about that, you know,

three-point win over University of Louisiana Lafayette. I mean. Did you say fans weigh in after each game? Oh, yeah. How about during? On the radio. During. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Like, they have an app political debate. Having him in a dunking booth on the sidelines, which is another great idea. They have an app. It has two buttons up and down. You push which. ever won as many times as you want. Do you know how much I would pay to watch the real-time cash total in like a 35-point blowout

for the coach on the receiving end of that? Man, people will hammer that down button. You want this in a shootout. During Rockets Warriors Game 7, I had a tweet that column open for Fire Steve Kerr. That shit was popping. People wanted to fire Steve Kerr. Here's the thing, you're one, it's going to go the way, here's, you're one that's going to go the way you think. But the problem is that when a team is bad, the fans don't necessarily show up as much.

So what you're going to get instead is, let's take last year, for example, you're going to get Georgia fans going to Tennessee and going up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, oh, butch. That's a bonus butch. That's what I hear. I think extension time We're going to have some authentication Issues, okay? Yeah, they're definitely going to fuck with this. It's based on

You have to use a school issued ID No, not that. That would take out 90% of college football fans It's based on I don't know. You have to say something that Just say blockchain, just say blockchain. Yeah, we'll do it with the algorithms.

No, you have to say something that no actual rival of yours would ever say you know wait let's throw a twist in it what if you only get like what if you think of this in terms of chits right and you only get one vote per season oh like what if instead of hitting the button as much as you want that you only get one or like one a month i don't know i want more but i want more user engagement for our app jason's thinking about that money he's thinking about he's thinking about flipping this and getting out of the way and let the shareholders catch the wind.

Okay, one a game. And Jason's also 100, here's what Jason's going to do. He's going to take Holly's idea where it's like, hey, with, it's a free to use app. And, you know, you get one vote a game, no problem. But for a small micro transaction, you can get additional votes, no big deal. And that's how he's going to end up being incredibly rich, because LSU fans would be like, yeah, I paid $50,000 just so I could ruin Coach Joe's life. I don't know anything.

I pay $50,000 just to call. cost him $10,000. Everyone else was pretty happy at the time. Oh, man. I like this idea. Like, I'm all for it. I had another idea based on, I like the salary cap thing. I think it's a little snug if we're trying to remain competitive as football

factories that also encourage student athletes to achieve brilliance in academics student and all that stuff so if we say 200,000 per coach and let's make it more like 5 million for entire coaching staffs or something like that that way you know everyone's still making a shit load of money well okay yeah that's good too yeah people follow that. Yeah, but I disregard my idea. Let's pursue Holley's. We'll just reduce this to

one got to go. SEC edition. One got to go. It's another way to curb, you know, the exploding analyst staff at Alabama. Oh, that's true. Which, which analyst got to go with the reality show? Like, in that Alabama, we get sued again. Alabama can't have like a piece of online

franchise. We're calling it Survivor. We can't, are you kidding me? Nick Damon. Nick's, we finally found Nick Saban's, like, genuine genetic illiteracy. He cannot, in his bones, understand copyright law. He can't. Trademark. Yeah, trademark.

Like, Nick Saban, Nick Saban is basically, like, the guy who's like, you know what? I really like this tape. So I made like a hundred of the tape, and I just sold it. Bill Belichick at 1991 is like, can't do that. You just can't do that. It's like, I mean, I think if you spend your entire life at coaching clinics, you know, I think you've learned that all information is free. You know, you sound like a 1995 blogger.

All the information is free and spiral-bound or on VHS. I'm excited about spring practice. I think we've got two championship quarterbacks, and that's why I'm calling the Star Wars. That's what they are. Nick, Nick, it's just not. Why? I think it's more that he's just not aware of any pop culture.

Yes, is he? Why would... Why would... Not true. Cupid Shuffle? Mm-hmm. I didn't say anything bad about Chopin, did I? Yeah.

Well, no, let me quote Nick Saban from a profile written by Warren St. John. All right, and I believe appeared in GQ. It was. Mick Jagger is an incredible entertainer. So he knows music and nothing else. Because he hasn't gotten into copyright trouble with musicians. It's just everyone else. I would also remind everyone that Bill Belichick and Nick Sabin

went to the same pink Floyd show they went to a pink Floyd show which that's what you didn't have you didn't have to tell us I'm gonna bet you one of them was tripping one of them can I can I change the subject drastically to last week's episode it was Belichick sure I realized upon further reflection that there's a part of Star Wars

the original Star Wars trilogy that really bothers me specifically Star Wars New Hope. So follow me here. Spencer, when Luke and Uncle Owen go to the Jawa's to purchase droids, what's the sequence of events? Which droids do they

purchase initially? Don't they want to buy like a really crappy one that dies on them on the spot? Yes, yes. They want to buy this crap-ass red R2 unit. And it just, it, like, blows up before they can even get off the fucking lot.

But what if that didn't happen? What if they had just said, like, yep, crappy red droid coming home with us, going to do some moisture farming. And then, because if you follow the track here, it's what, like 24 hours before the stormtrooper show up, track the droids, find out that the Jawa's had them, find out that they went to Uncle Owen's house burn him and his wife and if they hadn't done that they would have

just gone straight to the jawas Plectar two smashed him to smithereens Princess Leia dies on the death star the rebels are obliterated nothing good happens and yet we are not celebrating

this red janky asteroid who clearly blew himself up on purpose because he knew it was the right thing to do why is he not at the fucking medal ceremony at the end. Why is his face down, smoky, what is this?

Smoky corpse. The cindering corpse, not honored. So, Brian, did you know this is actually canon? You're actually correct. He actually did blow himself up on purpose. Are you kidding me? I have never, ever lied on this podcast. You can look it up.

His name was R5, something or other. R2 came up and said, in their droid language, this is in a book I'm reading right now, R2 came up and said, The first thing R2 said was, I'm on an important mission. And R5 is like, fuck you, I'm trying to get out of this thing. I'm trying to get sold.

You're nicer than me, but you know, you should still be nice to me and leave me alone. And R2 just keeps saying, I'm working for the rebellion. You have to get me out of here. So when it comes time to line up, R5 realizes, I believe R2, I'm going to make myself explode. This is actual canon. He did it. R5 dies for the galaxy sins. He's the literal Jesus Christ of the Star Wars universe.

I don't know, not Jesus. He's more like one of the Bears fans in the Bears skit. He's like, He's the, all right, all right. All right. All right. He gets beheaded. He's the literal John the Baptist of the Star Wars universe.

That's fine. He beheads himself. Like, imagine if that was your great contribution to society, which is, hey, y'all, the best thing you can do right now, like character, give yourself a massive coroner. And you're like, hold on, I got this. You should probably freak out. out so much your head pops off.

And you have been constructed for this exact niche in history, right? Like, eh! I just really wanted to, like, I feel like we don't appreciate that red exploding droid enough. I still like the idea of him being at the metal ceremony, face down, and smoking.

Like, constantly, that's just what he does. They just towed him from place to place. Like, he's so important. We're nothing without him. yeah wow that's that's amazing i can't believe you actually guessed canon that's astonishing he did this last week too i forget what it was but there was something like some very minor very minor thing that's like oh no that's real i enjoy i enjoyed that whatever stupid thing we make up is actually the story that's how oh yeah george lucas is right and i were just talking before

you all hopped on about how like y'all know the movies very well i've barely seen the movies but i know this like odd ball shit that is like buried on some wiki somewhere like I've seen Return of the Jedi like once but I know like R2's exploding friend but Jason's like ah but in a

on a Denny's menu in 1997 it said this and that's canon Hi shutdown full cast Vox just launched a new show on Netflix. It's called Explained and you can find it on Netflix right now. It's for people like you, people who are curious about

the world around them. And here's our promise. If you give us 15 minutes of your time, or sometimes 20, sometimes we can stick to the 50 minute limit. So 15 to 20 minutes of your time will take you from being just curious about a big important topic to actually understanding it. Our first few episodes explore things like... Why is monogamy so important around the world?

What happens when we can actually edit our DNA and take control of our own evolution? Why is the racial wealth gap in America... still growing. You'll see it's Vox to its core. It's a bigger and more ambitious, yes, but still looking and feeling and sounding like us. And we'll hopefully give you the context and reporting and research that actually makes these super, super satisfying, I think the most satisfying videos we've made. So go to Netflix and check it out.

You can search for it, you can search for Vox, or you can just go to Netflix.com slash explained. All right. Should we do the randomizer now? It's randomizer time. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't make your head explode, Jason. It's for the good of it. It's for the good of the rebellion. That droid was from Chicago.

It's a fair skin pick. Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler sucks. I'm just thinking about the Packers until my head explode. someone said we were the third city you said what about deep dish pizza oh god talk shit about Mitch Trubisky watch me kill myself right here

I really wish in the special edition they had gone back and just slapped the cubs logo on that droid friends that's what he said in droid language friends Northwestern isn't even from here. That's Evanston.

I'm going to talk some shit about Philip Glass and the Cusack family. Watch me. All right. Let's start with, all right. This is a good pairing of randomizer topics from at Claygore 34. First, the non-football topic. Shrek. Does Shrek matter to anyone in 2018?

Does Shrek have any cultural relevance or less? Like, what matters from Shrek? What matters is that Shrek is basically based physically on my grandfather, who looked exactly like Shrek. Okay. He didn't know. Same big ass head, same body. I mean, for all I know, those tubular ears,

he might have had him fixed in, like, childhood. But my grandfather looked and moved a lot like Shrek. So I'm always going to have like a warm spot in my heart for Shrek. Well, I just, I, I feel like Toy Story was, you know, this cultural icon had several successful sequels, as did Shrek, but it, the, the latter just doesn't seem like it matters. Jason, do children as far as you know care about Shrek at all? My daughter likes Shrek the musical. I'm not sure if she's seen the animated movies.

Okay. There's a Shrek musical. Oh yeah, by the way, go back and watch the first Shrek, that animation. It's like $5 CGI now. It looks bad. It's extremely bad. Shit looks like a screensaver. It does.

That shit looks like some extremely bad, like, bootleg children's YouTube shit That shit looks like an app It doesn't That shit looks like a cheap app now Also here's the other problem with Shrek Shrek made temporal jokes Like they made jokes that were We're not timeless

There are jokes in there about contemporary cultural things that I think they severely underestimated the turnover Of the 21st century culture cycle There's like Starbucks jokes in there It's like listening to Eminem in 1998 Yeah

2017 or 2018 There's probably Probably a Linda Tripp reference in Shrek. It's the My Name is of animated children's films. Or any other Eminem song. Will Smith don't got a cuss in his... Yeah, no, that's not going to hold up well, I don't. Eddie Murphy's pretty funny, even as a donkey.

Yeah, really the enduring cultural value of this. Yeah, he does have sex with the dragon. The enduring cultural value of this is smash mouth on social media. but even that but even that is not a smash mouth song like smash mouse's lasting contribution is a fucking cover it's a cover

which which one are you talking about what are you talking about wait don't they have two they have oh I didn't even know they had two songs you're now listening to someone Googling smash mouth go back to we're going back to Ryan calling them smashed mouth no I didn't know

no run the tape back because I got forced to lie It's the football podcast. You run that tape back. I don't. I don't know how to do it. Oh, okay. Here's what I was thinking of.

They do a cover of I'm a believer on this, on this soundtrack. But I forgot that All Star is also on this soundtrack. I actually knew it was a cover. I was trying to make like a three second joke. And now it became a thing. And I'm sorry about that. As is hallelujah. Wait, why is hallelujah?

Smash mouth covered hallelujah? No. Rufus Wainwright did. No, no, it's played in the extremely sad part where Shrek has gone back to the swamp and broken up with Fiona. I kind of want to hear what Smash Mouth playing, Hallelujah. Oh, 1,000 percent, like, played at their cadence and all that? Fuck. Hey, Smash Mouth.

If you're out there, please record Hallelujah and send it just to Holly. Yeah, that's really the only enduring. Hang out, I'm going to tweet them right now. That and the edition of Mean Tool. tweets, the NBA edition where Draymond Green read somebody tweeting, said, why Draymond Green look like donkey and Shrek? To Draymond Green's credit, he lost his shit laughing, so. Okay.

That's fair. I'm excited to see if Smash Mouth responds to Holly by the time we put it to 40. They're not busy. Smash the mouth. The other thing, the other thing Clay Gore-34 wants to talk about is the first downchain, which is being a football fan requires you to actively ignore

that the most important part of the game is two old men holding up two pipes connected by a length of chain like it's just it's the suspension of disbelief that football requires of you but it's the absolute

it's the main unit of measure in the game it almost always turns close games one way or the other and it's the dumbest oldest stupidest shit possible and none of us care none of us care in the slightest bit it's amazing yeah it's a really stupid sport I think it fits fine yeah agreed all right want to you pick another randomized then I would like to go to how long should it take a program to go from mediocre to competitive oh the answer is all in the terminology what are we I'll let you know when we find out okay yeah that's yeah let's see like Florida is on now Florida is not on as long a rebuild as Tennessee Florida is on an eight year rebuild with way to fucking jinx it yeah we're on an eight year rebuild right Tennessee realistically is on a 10 year rebuild right longer Kentucky yeah Kentucky yeah Kentucky's on like a 73 year rebuild I don't know they were consistently competitive under under uh rich Brooks right yeah Kentucky you got to turn disasters off at this point nobody's gonna be mad You just got it. Yeah. So I think the idea is this.

How do you define competitive? I think the usual mark is, what, three years? That's it. Year three, you should be like, year three, if I told you any program, you're like, in year three, you're going to be 10 and 2, and you're going to beat rivals and you'll be competitive. You just feel pretty good about that, right? Yeah.

Oh, sure. I wouldn't know. Holly, why would you ever feel good about Tennessee? You lost me at why would you ever feel? Okay, well... I mean, that's the thing. Like, for Florida, I would say, like, for a program like Florida, speaking from my own experiment, I would say mediocre to competitive.

I think three years is fair. I think most people are okay with three years. Are there going to be some complaints in year two? Oh, yeah. Big time. Large. But in year three, if you got it, I think most people give you about three years. I think coaches want four.

Coaches realistically say, okay, I can do it in four because I'll have a full roster that's all my people for the most part, right? But I think for a fan, three is probably acceptable. If I told you, in my favorite example of this, by the way, if I told you five years would you consider that to be a bit long depends depends on where you're starting from

the bottom okay then South Alabama the bottom or like Mississippi stay at the bottom I will give you an example by the numbers okay if I told you that after accepting a job in year six

this coach went two eight and one two eight and one in year six is that mike london with a peak of six wins in the prior five years on the job is that mike london not making a bowl not making a bowl i like i like that holly's willing to suggest that mike london coached long enough to go back to the era when ties were possible or that somebody just quit and said it's the acc i don't know how they do shit throwback Thursday at

I'm like Virginia probably had a tie at some point they all wanted to you know they had a horse race to go to because like when we talk about people not like the context being super important and the terminology being super important let me tell you a story about a guy who went two eight and one in year six do we have any other guesses oh and he was one and four

in conference by the way any guesses no I have no I have no guess No, I have no guess. Tom Osborne. No, man. Tom never put in time. Two? No.

I don't think Tom, man. Look up Tom Osborne's numbers. They are. Tom did go for two once in your call. He did go for two. And he got one. Straight in the eye. He got.

He got none. But I appreciate the call. No, this is a coach who ended up in the college football Hall of Fame. That's Frank Beamer. Frank Beamer in year six goes two, eight, and one without going to a bowl. And that's in his second year in the Big East. They were independent for four years.

I don't think you had to tell us that. I don't think we were thinking, well, maybe there was some APR shenanigans where two eight and one was bowl eligible. I was geographically club. I mean, in the prior, in the prior season, sir. Virginia Tech with an APR of 75,000. This wasn't the ACC. Basically, yeah.

This is in the old zombie big east. Yeah. The pre-zomba-fifference. by Big East. But then the next year, in 93, they go 9 and 3. And they win their first bowl game, like the first bowl game in the history of Virginia Tech. So, and then from there on, it's just like, I think his lowest win total is seven.

And that's, by the way, over a span of 20 years, which is nuts. So when do you pull the plug? I don't know. I really don't. I'm sure they're, like, we fire people after like year three or year four. I'm sure there's people who've been fired who like weren't lying when they were like, man, if I just got two more years

that could have been right there could have been Frank Beamer y'all Well there's there's also that thing where sometimes you have the third year and it looks like a turnaround but really all it is is you're still a mediocre team you just benefit from a bunch of lucky bullshit

like that's the other part you have to look out for where it's like oh god we're not actually good we're just getting great cards this is awesome The freshman your predecessor signed and was banking his future on, they're now seniors. So now his hope has buffeted your false hope, but you're going down with him as well. Yeah, by the way, Tom Osborne. Not Tom Osborne, but Tom Osborne. he never won eight games

because he never won less than nine he never won less than nine over let's see oh over 25 seasons 25 seasons so yeah yeah did this came that one came from Jeff T did Jeff T have anything else to ask

he also wanted to talk about John Bolton's wore mustache but Yeah, just go look at John Bolton's mustache. It wants to fight you. It wants to fight you, and the rest of the body's incapable of it. That mustache ain't shit. Mustache ain't shit. It's a bunch of, it's a waller's stash hung on, a little penguin body.

Come at me, John. Why you got to bring penguins into this? That's true. Penguins are a noble fucking bird. Hold on, hold on. John Bolton has the mustache of the character in an 80s movie who is wrong. the character who's like, no, Wopper works. I programmed it myself.

It couldn't possibly, if it says a nuclear attack is coming, a nuclear, no, John Bolton has some wrong-ass 80s mustache. The captain who says you're a loose cannon and won't listen. I don't know, John Bolton, if you tell him the nukes are coming, he's like, oh shit, yeah, it's time. Oh, oh, yeah, get these pants off. It's nuking time, finally.

um let's see here randomizer uh from joka strength one pot meals that work for leftovers that's pretty good and useful topic for all um we did we did yeah chili chili of course yeah chili works i'm kind of what one pot meals are kind of a i mean this will be my my most old man comment of the night but kind of a scam how many how many pots do you need i mean one pot meals when they're like oh cook it in a pressure cooker it'll be fine you can cook all kinds of or no not a pressure cooker i'm actually to say like the instant pot the instant pot's real people who are people who are real recognize the instant pot as being a valuable addition to your kitchen however if you're one of those people who's like

yo man get a crock pot you can cook like a whole week's worth of food in the crock pot that's Poor shit. No one is shoveling that paste. That thing that boils down everything into a uniform nutritive goo. No one shoveling that in their mouth five days straight. That's true. That is some internet shit too. That's some like Reddit weightlifting shit where it's like

I spent $4 on grains and chickens and beans and rice and I put them in and I had food for a month. Bitch, no, you didn't. I'm an amateur astronaut. You went to checkers. You're at Burger King on Wednesday. You had to.

No, you say that, but somebody's probably suggested, like, throwing a bunch of Burger King in a crock pot and just eating it over the course of them. God Almighty, I feel queasy. Just put some burgers and fries and apple pies and chicken fries in there. That's all they're doing. They're just going, they're putting everything in the crock pot because they're idiots. You just walk up to the Burger King. It's Burger Steo. Give me a sack of Burger King.

what do you want to give me a sack of burger can fill it to the brim you just bring you bring the crockpot bowl hi can you fill this please doesn't matter what we got just order it's a one pot meal just out there ordering like a domino's pizza and slamming into the crock pot with a hammer with some mountain dew this our stew with mountain dew that's gamer fuel Bro, I play seventh in this Fortnite match, thanks to Gamer Fuel. One pot of gamer fuel costs me $21, and it lasts me all night. Subtopic, by the way, which college football relevant personalities are going to have to get into Fortnite, whether they want to or not? Is it like Tosh Lupoi? Is some poor assistant going to have to be the Fortnite person on staff, right, who just mercilessly gets owned because they're like 38? Yeah.

Well, it'll come out that, like, Kiffin is actually good. I feel like, listen, man. This is Jeffrey Bouton's moment, y'all. Jeff Bouton is training for this. Literally, Jeff Bauden has been training for this because their dad makes him, makes his brothers take him everywhere. Because all he must do is play video games. No, this isn't a joke.

We never told a joke on the show. I love hiding in bushes. Oh, I, I, man, I cannot tell you enough how much I love this idea, because not only will some of the coaches who have here to four contributed absolutely nothing to their coaching staffs bounce up and suddenly be a a bulwark against other teams encroaching on recruits they'd be like yo man listen i don't even know what his job is on staff and he doesn't even have a resume but man coach d coach d's a beast at fortnight all right jump ball question what non-millennial coach is secretly just a fucking ace at fortnight I'm going to really think about this

Yeah It's going to be somebody with like Had to be in like a good hand-eye Reef like hand-eye coordination position Has to be somebody who's already sort of internet savvy Hey Gundy Oh my God I bet Gundy hunts

I bet he's the biggest asshole in the world at Fortnite Oh yeah no he'll wall you in He'll build like a fort on top of you Be like whatever son start hammering Sleep tight Be like T-O-Tie T-Boon paid for that, bitch. T-Boon pixels.

T-Boons behind him. Yeah, fuck that bitch up. Do it. T-Boon doesn't even know what's happening. Just like, yeah, fight him. My God has no limits. Just tell him, Oklahoma plays this game, too. Oh, huh?

Suddenly your budget for this game is $10 million. You pay. put it in those bastards throat that's what you do uh the new fair catch kickoff rule i don't have any opinions it's useful in video games because kick returns are bullshit and you should never bother with it you might fumble or get hurt so you might as well just take it wherever the ball lands i do it all the time yeah get the ball back just press why done done with that shit we're gonna answer we're gonna score doesn't matter yeah i like i like um from user eric arnold kind of an interesting question how a northeast team can be consistently top 25

there's one simple answer B-pin state other than that yeah what about what about secession that's that's an option you know from 1860 to for a couple years there Boston College was in great shape mm-hmm can we talk is this northeast Florida in which case sold no he said consistently top 25 ah okay so that we need northeast georgia so yeah florida's out consistently top 25 but never number one ah do i have a team for you just down 78

316 head out there there aren't even there aren't even that many the problem is like there aren't even that many schools you can think of that apply for this right like who's sniff top 25 in the last five six years from that region Penn State, yeah Boston College Maryland beat Texas Maryland beat Texas Yukon went to

attended a fiesta bowl Yukon Yukon did fill out that page in their passport book so that was fun How much does that suck by the way that like

Yukon's like yeah we were the greatest team in Yukon history and we're like Hello hell you con like the greatest achievement in their football history and the thing that Randy

had someone probably tear up talking about like the team gave me everything and we're like you got waxed by Oklahoma didn't sell your tickets Temple had that run had that one run for Alvold oh yeah they had uh yeah they played Notre Dame hard

I don't know I were reaching here obviously but Army or Navy wins the Army Navy game every year there's that Maine beaten SEC team once Don't forget that Their logo is also a black bear With lightning coming out of its mouth

Maine is a sleeper here Because first of all, it's rural as hell That helps Two, I'm pretty sure those emissions Those admissions standards Generous That might be right So they probably ranked in the FCS

Top 25 for that God I wish Alabama would be able to schedule I wish they would just skip Mercer And book an Ivy No they got to play Harvard for the rights to the crimson name yeah every year every year they call it in the second

quarter oh god please let this happen why they want to play a team with more national titles oh thank you wow thank you for this moment that's true

Harvard would always win on like the accounting and verification right bro you don't want to fuck with Princeton Princeton claims titles that would make Bama fans go like okay hang on Princeton claims anything

this four and five team you didn't even have a football team yeah but we were thinking about it championship but yeah I think the way that they can be competitive is just to let's see

play run first offense that slows the game down because you won't have the skill players for it because it's too far away the answer sucks the answer is cheat The answer is to cheat. Well, that's, you skip to point, you skip to point five, which realistically should have been point one in my presentation, Ryan.

Cheat. I think what Spencer's, I think combining your two points of advice, cheat in a gritty way, right? I mean, you know what? Yeah. Yeah. Man, Yukon had the plan, man. They did. Jesus Christ.

They really did. I'm dead serious. They completely had the plan. I'm just going to compliment Randy Uzzell here. Attempt nothing interesting. keep the game close Randy also kept that plan for many years You're in a weird place

You're damn right I'm talking about Yukon It's a strange We started it weird son I think that should be the motto of stores Stores you're in a weird place Stores

What's the extra R for? We don't know It's for being Reslin Run Run! Randy Yeah, I'm speechless

Do we have anything else in the randomizer that begs to be addressed? Why start now? That's it. We did everything. We solved all the problems and we found Randy. I mean, did we go over the first downchain adequately? Oh, yeah. I mean, what is there to say?

It's been around forever. It'll never go away. it's extremely dumb it's it's college football it sums up the entire experience we should have other things in college football that are that analog right

like there should be a first down line that we have to like put out like spike strips across a highway dude the clock should just be a fucking giant sand hourglass I enjoy when they I don't know I enjoy when they have a first down marker that's a digital marker

but it's still attached to an idiot chain. That's the best thing in the world that they're like, yeah, we've got a $75 set of LEDs that make this a digital down marker. And you're like, it's still attached to a bunch of fucking chain link. How about instead of the refs having whistles, they have to whistle. With both fingers, right? No, any way they can. Hey! Stop! they should they should do it with air horns more festive although they'd screw up if they had like the megaphones because inevitably somebody would bring a novelty megaphone that does the alien voice right first time