Shutdown Fullcast - Live at the Ann Arbor Downtown Library

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

As the capper to our 2019 Charity Bowl, we headed up to Ann Arbor for a live show on the most sensible day to stay inside possible: the summer solstice, with amazing weather. And because this was a Michigan show, we had to do Michigan things, like: - War trivia - Auditing the business departments of the Big Ten - War fan fiction - Explaining how all of football owes its existence to Michigan - Generally feeling superior to Michigan State in all things Special thanks to the Ann Arbor District Library and the squad at MGoBlog helping make this show possible. (Unless you hate it, in which case they had nothing to do with it.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, fullcast friends. Before you listen to the live show we recorded in Michigan, I want to take a second and thank a few people. First, we want to thank the Ann Arbor District Library and their staff for hosting us. They were great to work with. They have a beautiful space. And they were totally cool with us saying curses. Second, we also want to thank Brian Cook and the MGO blog crew, both for their support of the Charity Drive year after year and for participating in our weird podcast. We sincerely hope being associated with us does not damage their future. career or academic opportunities. I'm Rich Reddy, Marketing Communications Manager, and I'm pleased to welcome tonight's esteemed guests.

The Shutdown Fullcast, the Internet's only college football podcast, has been entertaining and antagonizing college football fans worldwide since 2013. Today, on the summer solstice, and for the very first time in podcast history, they've ventured into the wild heart of Big Ten Country in celebration of the internet's only college

football team, Michigan. Library. When the full cast put out the call looking for venues in Ann Arbor, willing to host their live show, the Ann Arbor District Library said, how high? Because what's more on brand that. So please help me welcome. Spencer Hall,

Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny, and Brian Floyd. Can you all keep it down? This is a library. So before we get started, we have one more seating offer. It has a catch. Two people can sit in those seats. You will be briefly kicked out for a segment

at some point. The rest of the show, you can have them. First two. Go for it. Go for it. It's the first come first. We now have two front row seats for anybody who wants them. Where you won't get kicked out. All right.

Do it right. Shh. Welcome. we're in a library y'all i can't do that how many times were you in the library at florida um the fact that i said um i can count of three

and uh once when i took a nap because the architecture library was like really it was a dope place to nap it was incredible uh so three i'm going to count three good job thank you I'm so flattered You know that that was what I'm supposed to do Because this is a library but

You came out You should do the thing, right? Go for it We should do the thing Okay Welcome to the shutdown forecast

Live from Ann Arbor, Michigan This place is incredible by the way You have a store called Wolverine Supply I've been looking for supplies for my Wolverine for years. You have a laundry facility called Mr. Stadium.

That's amazing. I am mostly interesting in the tanning parlor across from the stadium. Where did you let Ohio State move in? I just like the idea that somebody's going to the game and they're like, I've got 30 minutes. Looking a little peeking. I got to get in game shape. Let's go to the tan

zip. The other thing that you have here, by the way, our business is named after football, which is great, because we just started making up brands. We're like, football liquor. We're just going to sell generic liquor that says football liquor. And then at the bottom, it'll be like four football. It's got electrolytes.

If you were upstairs earlier, you might have got some football sushi. That's fine. Just remember the day you were here when we all invented performance whiskey together. I haven't seen it. I hope there is a butcher shop in town called the meat, the meat, the meat. The best thing about that speech, by the way,

for the Beauchampbeckler doing it, is that it could be a rhetorical device or it could be a small stroke. You don't know which one it was. Football coaches are very stressed, so he could have just gotten stuck like a record, right? The team, the team. And afterwards, somebody will go...

The team is on fire! Like, that's, that happens, right? Like you'd be like, man, that was just awesome rhetoric. That was an amazing device bow. And he's like, I got stuck. I got to be honest. I just completely blipped out. That hat was too tight on my head. Like, Spurrier had this

happen to him once, right? He was this was against Tennessee. It was 1995 and he's in the locker room and he's trying to get everybody together. If you don't know, Steve Spurier, former South Carolina and Florida coach, is a terrible public speaker. Why would you leave Duke out of it like that?

You piece of shit. Just because no one in this room got into Duke. Listen. Let the record show. Two people in this room got into Duke. Motherfucker, I am right here. Fuck on here.

Yeah. I'm not, I don't know what that sport is, but that was deeply felt. And I appreciate that. But Spurrier was trying to give an inspirational speech, which he was awful at. So everybody gets in and they go, you know, they go in and they go like,

here's how Tennessee's screwing with us. They're big and dumb and they're hitting us in the face. You know, stop doing that. And they get to the end where it's supposed to, you know, he's supposed to send them out and a rage on the field. And he goes, well, boys, we got together and it's going to, what we're going to need is.

And at that moment, the student manager who is sitting up against the light switch in the locker room, stumbles and turns all the lights in the locker room off. So please imagine there's like 80 dudes all completely revved up and ready to kill and they turn the lights off. Everybody goes, and leaves. Like they all just run out, right? And the manager comes up and goes,

and it's going to start to apologize. And Spurrey looks at him and goes, you ruined my speech, Scotty. You ruined my damn speech! And then they go out and they hang 38 points in Tennessee in the second half. So he's like, thanks. That was a really good call. We should do a roll call.

We should see where y'all are coming from. Would you see how far you came from? We will start with the question. We always ask. Who is here that has never listened to this show before in any form? In the back. At least one of you brought your mom. No, I already talked to her.

She's lovely. Where's mom? We've seen babies. The babies have never listened before, right? Hopefully. We're not legally responsible for that. They're not our babies. It's too showy, so we play the shutdown full cast for the baby.

All right. Who came here, who had to fly to get here? Wow. The Big Ten is a ground-based content. Sorry. Sorry. Who took the team bus? Do we have anybody?

Who's from Ann Arbor? We got locals? All right, tons of locals. I wish it had been nobody. That would have been great. Anybody here from out of state? Okay, this show is free if you're from Ann Arbor. If you're from out of state, that's $75,000 each.

International students, let's talk. Canada. We got Canada in the house. Super. NBA champions. That's right. Let's just pick a random school. Do we have any Vanderbilt fans?

proof that they don't exist TCU TCU Oh we have a very shy horned frog Sure Yeah Pack 12 generally

As many Pac 12 fans as TCU fans Cool Yeah thank you for coming in from kiteboarding to do this We got Brian Floyd Don't forget Brian Right sorry Georgia fans

I love this show Best crowd we've ever had You can always find Georgia fans by the way Some of you are big 10 literate but not necessarily SEC literate if you see someone in the crowd and you go Man they don't know how to act That's the Georgia fan The Georgia fan who's let off his leash exactly once every three months

And is like I've had 13 beers and don't have to watch the kids Be sure to see him on an ice packer he'll be dead in nine hours If you see someone in the crowd who doesn't know how to act and is being escorted out, that's a Miami fan. So as was mentioned, the Shetdown Folkast is the only college football podcast. That's a responsibility. Thank you. It's a responsibility we take very seriously.

But it's also a good time for us to note and I think explain how Michigan is the only college football program. And I'm going to prove that to you here today. So let's assume that if I can prove that Michigan is responsible for the existence of every Power 5 school that you will allow me to grandfather in, Group of 5, Division 2, FC, everybody else will get in because they wouldn't exist without the Power 5. Fair? Yeah, we've got a couple of NFL Europe teams on here, actually. Rine Fire forever. And let's also say, that without all of college football at every level, we wouldn't have the NFL, right? True.

All right. So now we're actually saying that Michigan is responsible for the existence of American football in its entirety. Here we go. Are you ready? Prepared. 22 Power 5 schools have been coached at some point in their history by a former Michigan player.

At some point in these schools' history, a Michigan man answered the call and coached them. Did it go well? Well, one of these schools is Kansas, so I don't think that's fair. Those schools, Arkansas, Auburn, Iowa, Kansas, LSU, Missouri, Nebraska, NC State, Oklahoma State, Old Miss, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, Tennessee, Texas, TCU, Utah, Vandy, Virginia, Washington, Washington State, West Virginia. I'm not done. Six, power five schools, didn't get a Michigan player,

but they did get a coach who had been trained up as an assistant at the University of Michigan. Those schools, Arizona, Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa State, Michigan State. What was, what was? It's sort of like, it's sort of like great value Michigan. What was the woo for? That was an Illinois woo, right? Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, I wanted to, just for the recording before this passes any further into the ether,

there is a gentleman in the back of this room, and he is wearing all Illini gear, including a shirt I have never seen before. Why are you booing Illinois? That's not, that's still, that's still not possible. Your only rival is the IRS. That's it. And maybe like the SEC, and I don't mean the conference. That's it.

That's Northwestern's only, yeah. People who don't read resumes. That's your arch enemy, not him. He has nothing. That's why I'm giving him this. This is second only to the time we saw what Rose Bowl shirt in Mandalay Bay. Oh, yeah. This is the second grade is still Illinois shirt, all right?

And then I will get through interrupting Ryan here. Y'all remember that time Illinois and USC went to the Rose Bowl? Yeah, he was wearing the Illinois U.S.C. Roseville shirt. We saw a guy with that game t-shirt two months later out in public in Las Vegas, upright and walking and everything. Yeah. He was in a place where he wanted to have good luck, too. That man did not fear God or the devil.

But this gentleman in the back here, he's wearing a shirt that says, and I quote, champagne with the I, with the G.N. on the end, says, champagne is popping. I love you. That's, that's. That's gorgeous. All right, back to Ryan's parade through history. Thank you.

Most of you, I'm going to guess most of you probably know. Ryan? Yeah. How many schools were up to now? I didn't count them all? 28. 28. A lot of you counted.

Okay. Yeah, thank you. We're going to need some help with that. I was an English major at a state school in Florida. All right. So a lot of you probably know Michigan played in the first ever Rose Bowl in 1902. won it handily. Seven schools have won a national title at the Rose Bowl,

which again would not exist if not for Michigan gracing it with its presence. They are. USC, Cal, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Ohio State, Penn State, and Pitt. And Pitt. Also, it's literally UCLA's home. Michigan gave the down payment for UCLA to have football. That's on y'all. All right, we're going to have to stretch a little bit more now.

Because those were all totally. Yeah, these are a big total sense, and we see how they flow. Bump Elliott, former Michigan coach, who became the athletic director at Iowa. He hired Hayden Fry. As a result, we now get to count. Kansas State, Bill Snyder was a Hayden Fry assistant. Bob Stoops, for Oklahoma, Hayden Fry assistant. Wisconsin, Barry Alvarez was a Hayden Fry assistant.

All right, now we're going to talk about, I'm really excited about this, but we're going to talk about Notre Dame. All the way back in 1887, Notre Dame played its first ever college football game, a loss to Michigan. The best part is, before. the game, Michigan players literally walked the Notre Dame squad through how you play football. Notre Dame is Michigan's farm team. So, now we are counting basically everybody through the, who played for or coached for Newt Rockney, all of the schools that they play for, we get, but there's a bonus here. Frank Thomas was one of those players, not the Chicago White So, Now, he played for Newt Rockney, and he went on to coach at Alabama, where he coached, Bear Bryant.

We're counting Bears family tree as well. So through Notre Dame, we now get Alabama, Boston College, Clemson, Duke, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisville, Miami, Mississippi State, UNC, Purdue, South Carolina, Texas A&M, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest, and Notre Dame, of course. counters where we at that was you're not a math school we get it many all right Michigan also played in the first ever

indoor college football game in 1896 Minnesota played in the Metro dome from 1982 to 2008 and Syracuse you count here too was this a barn

in 18 I was like, did they play in Versailles? They played on the floor of Congress. Michigan invented roofs. Now, this is a little bit more disputed, but most sources claim that Fielding Yost invented the linebacker. Spencer, who is the linebackeriest coach in college football?

Linebacker? Is that Pat Fitzgerald? It's Pat Fitzgerald. Yeah, yeah. Northwestern, you owe your existence to Michigan. Pat, by the way, most cop coach. So the NYPD, also Michigan's now. No, man.

No, he's a Pinkerton, so we also invented railroad justice. Those damn pinkertons. You say we've never told a joke. Pat Fitzgerald's Union Buster. Moving on. I have five schools left. I have to connect to Michigan. In 1984, the Supreme Court of the United States...

See, now we're speaking y'all's language. Decided a little case called NCAA versus Board of Regents of the University of Oklahoma. This was the case that basically determined the NCAA's television plan, where at this point, the association controlled basically all of the TV rights in college football. And I think for a long stretch was like, we're putting one game on a weekend. job. But they determined that that violated the Sherman Antitrust Act, and that was, in many ways, what opened things up for conferences to be able to sell their own TV rights, and in some cases, schools hook them to sell their own TV rights. Does anyone know who authored that decision?

Somebody said Jim Delaney. No, no, I got, actually, I don't know this for sure, but I think I have a good guess, because I haven't heard you say the word Stanford yet. No, we got to Stanford. Then we did get Stanford? Then never mind. Okay. It is not Judge Stanford. No, it wasn't.

The answer is Associate Justice John Paul Stevens, who was appointed to the Supreme Court by Michigan football legend Gerald Ford. So the four schools we're getting out of that. Baylor and Texas Tech, you are only still in existence because this is what allowed the Big Eight in the Southwest Conference to. continue as the big 12 with TV money. Maryland and Rutgers, I think you know where this is going. All right, so that leaves one school, one power five, and I looked everywhere for some sort of coach connection, bowl connection, something meaningful. There were a few, like, small things,

but they didn't feel right. And then it occurred to me that if you have a Michigan, you need an opposite of Michigan, something that is in every way not. Michigan. And that is why Arizona State University owes its very existence to Ann Arbor as well. And that is proof positive that Michigan is the only college football program in existence. I spent so much work time on that. I didn't do so many other things I was supposed to do. And Ryan's in charge. That's the funniest part. I'm in charge.

We're proud of you. We're so proud of you. No, you're not. I think it's trivia time. It is trivia time. Should we also, like, as part of Michigan's general importance, should we note sort of one of the? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We should. Before we get too much

further along and before I lose the ability to deal with this emotionally, you are all here for a full cast. The full cast is here for you, but we are here in Ann Arbor. specifically because every single year, we raise money for a charity that is now known as New American Pathways. This operates out of Clarkston, Georgia. And ain't y'all been to Clarkston? Anybody?

Yo! Okay. Okay. Hell yes. All right, excellent. Shout out to North Cross. Yeah. Shout out to Norcross.

We raise a ton of money for them. Okay? It's not much in the global scale, but it goes to help new arrivals, refugees to the United States. get acclimated, find work, do all the things that in the first six months make a difference for the first six years of their lives so that they can become, you know, big, bold, sassy, and slightly overweight Americans, right? And Spencer, you say it's not a lot in the global sense, but actually as of this year, the full cast and every day should be Saturday and the Charity Bowl are the largest single non-governmental donor to New American Pathways for the year. We are their budget. Yeah. And that is entirely due to our donors, and most of those donors are people in this room. Yes, and I'm really glad that EDSBS is not actually a board member, because if that were a person on a board...

It wouldn't show up. It's not a problem. Yeah. I thought it was Wednesday, man. But the reason we're here is because year in and year out by large, disgusting margins. All right? Like spiteful margins. Like 78 to nothing against Rutgers, especially this year, man. Y'all got out of control.

Yeah, like just honestly, if this were any other kind of behavior, I'd be concerned for you. Right. But in excess and I think it just, I get very emotional when I talk about this. That's why we're going to do this a little early. We're here because Michigan has consistently been the most generous donors. You guys have completely bought into the cause

and the thing that is astonishing to me about the Michigan community. This happens when you talk to people at a school, right? They go, oh, you know, this experience is totally different than any other. That's not true. I think if you go to Florida, it's kind of like going to Florida State. I'm just going to be honest. It's not that, there's more smoking at Florida State, okay? There's like less of an ethos, right?

Your truck, it's like, you're going to Florida? Okay, take that truck down two inches. Filtered cigarettes are for cowards. Yeah. Smoking's like an independent. at study credit at Florida State. Exactly, right? Like, it's just, it's basically like, how hard do you vape?

Listen, you can't spell vape without AP. That's true, that's true. So everyone will come to the home team and go, okay, well, this is, you know, you're actually very different and special. I'm kind of like nod. No, the mission gang community has been special, has been unique and has been by just outstanding, like standard deviations, like more involved, more committed. and I think more bonded at a cellular level than almost any other fan base that I know.

And I mean that in the positive sense, not in the sense of, hey, y'all all go to jail together. That's great. That's an awesome thing to do after a football. Do we want me to read some numbers real quick? Yeah, if you got them, please. I like to brag on you. For those of you who did not keep up with the New American Pathways website, counting our annual donations, our monthly donations that are going to recur, Last year, if you'll recall, we donated almost $70,000.

This year we wound up with $183,049. $32,129. That came from Michigan. The next closest school was Georgia Tech with $18,000. Yeah. And I would remind you, by the way, Georgia Tech, that's like eight people. No, it is. It's these two engineers who fight like wizards to be the biggest single donors.

It is. They're just like pissed off nerds with checkbooks. The people in this room, you rented a. sixth of a Cam Newton. Yeah. Which I got to say, you know, like, if you got the money, you should invest in a sixth of a Cam Newton. It paid off handsomely for all. That's like 800 yards.

Yeah, exactly. What team will turn that down, not us? But the point being, thank you. I don't get the chance to do that in person. We don't get the chance to do that in person. from the bottom of my black heart. Thank you for your generosity and thank the University of Michigan

and the community as a whole. That's why we're here and that's why I think we're about to take the beating of our lives in trivia from a couple of Michigan grads. Oh, when is Michigan ever lost? Because we would not have the Michigan donor pool without the Michigan money canon.

Correct. And we would not have the Michigan money canon without the gentleman of MgoBlog. So, first thing that needs to happen is y'all need to move. Thank you for warming these seats. It's very cold here. It's only, it's a freezing 70-something degrees here. We did see a guy walking around today wearing like a full puffy jacket.

And I was flummoxed because we can barely have pants on. No, you see that in Atlanta and you call it cops. I think that's when you wake up and you have like, you know, Eastern Michigan alumni, you put a coat over it. Hey, all, it's MGOBlog. Sorry. Before we start, can I say something?

I'm only doing this under protest. I wanted to do pro wrestling because I thought that would be even. Now we're going to be cobra Kai. Nobody wants to be cobra Kai. Dude, everyone wants to be Kobe Kai. They had matching clothes and stuff. Like, they had gear and swag. You didn't want all these messages from movies.

I do. I watched Leaving Las Vegas and I was like, that dude could drink. But we didn't want this to be even. We wanted to play to the home turf. So what I did was call up all my favorite Michigan fans and ask them what their favorite wars were. Well, she's serious.

No, y'all, I'm not kidding. I call Jane Koston to write these questions. So we're going to play a little trivia between our two Florida grads and our two bros from MGO blog up here. He listens to the hardcore history podcast, everybody. Jason is not an SEC aficionado, so he's going to play a moderator and read the questions. I do have one lifeline to give to each team. At any point during the questions, there's a warm-up question, then 10 more plus a bonus question at the end.

That's worth five points. At any time, you may call for a lifeline, at which point I will call Jane Kosen on my phone and we'll see if she can answer the question. I just want to preface this. Most of my war knowledge is limited to, I know Vin Diesel was in saving Private Ryan. Yeah, that's on here. Point!

Yeah. My war knowledge is limited to the Halo series. Yeah, you're good. I got this. You're good. I should raise my hand if I know. Yeah, raise your hand like good boys. We're going to figure out the rules right now.

I have, okay. Okay. So, Holly, are people raising their hand? We're going to raise our hand like good boys because we're all good boys. It's a library. The best boys. This will translate well to an audio audience. Podcasting.

We are a visual podcast. Podcasting is a visual medium. We say this every week. So are we, Holly, are you keeping a score? Yeah. Okay. And are we doing partial scores for some of these? I don't like fractions.

I went to Tennessee. Okay. People don't know this, but this is how Jeopardy starts every episode. Yeah. There's a negotiation. Alex is just like, so like if they, what do we how does this work this week listen we're

big 10 people debate negotiate okay I will be adjudicating like ourselves all right we're ready we're ready

all right are you ready are you ready sort of all right the first one's a warm up question it's really easy first we have a warm up question

it's kind of your FCS game I'm sorry that's bad for us too I was talking about Georgia Southern. Clearly a Georgia Southern reference. Call it the Florida State game on our schedule this year. All right. First question.

Name the five D-Day beaches. Wow. All of them? Daytona. We just need to get it. I knew you're going to say that. That would have been so awesome. Just drop like the ramp drops.

There's no gunfire. That's the Dale Earnhardt. There's footage of this. Look it up. Go, go, go. There's a Ron John surf shop right over there. Utah is one. Seth has raised his hand.

Utah is one. That's one. Omaha, Normandy. Nope. Normandy. I'm sorry. It's, I don't know. Normandy is the whole country.

Yeah, okay. I get it. Yes. Internal dissent. We have Omaha and Utah. Three more. Uh, northwestern. How many words could there be?

Point oak. Point oak. What? Pento D-Posophie, H-O-C. Nope. No. That's real close. This guy knows.

Juno. Juno. Yep, that's three. This guy knows. Look at this. Gold. That's a good one. Four.

This guy knows. Sword. Sword. Sword. Sword beat? How do we not talk about sword beats? Sword beats. Four.

Sword Beach Man, America's state of the world Bring a gun to a sword beach All right That's fucking awesome To be clear Florida didn't get that Because every beach is sword beach

In Florida Also I like Floridians don't go to the beach That's so you know They're like hey I love living in Florida I get to hang out outdoors Now you don't You sit inside and vape and you drink Malibu rum

That's the Florida lifestyle So I like that in this Michigan Florida competition because Florida this is the first time it's ever actually traveled this far north. Michigan is making full use of its home turf by fielding answers from the crowd. This is why Florida never comes here, by the way. We don't go anywhere.

Yeah. Stay inside and vape. Come on. So I guess that's one point for Michigan. There's a warm-up question. That's a warm-up question. No points at all? No points awarded.

Zero points. Actual question number one. We are now into FBI. games. Name the Soviet General who created the concept of deep operations. That is a proper noun. Should we just call Jane now?

Capital O. And this is a helpful hint, okay? This will probably make it a little too easy. The Soviet General is also killed in a purge in 1937. Can I ask a clarifying question? I'm not going to be able to help you. Would I know the answer from playing a lot

of golden eye. You could come close. Grace Jones. Odd job. That's it. That's the one. General, Soviet General. Okay, over to Michigan.

I'm just going to say the only Soviet general I know it is that Zuccov. No. Do we want to call Jane? Just keep on it this point. I'm going to hold for that and pass on one we might be actually. You got, you got Mr. Braves and Burrists to do these. Yes, I did.

That was your mistake. Yeah. nerd all right Seth you I don't know this I don't know the eastern side All right

there's there's an extremely gentleman back here Hey we got we got a hand up We got a hand up Yeah Thank you Oh

Couts Couts All right The answer for those of you at home is Tukachevsky So right now it's audience one People on stage zero I don't think the audience has four

Michigan Collective one Also any of you out there who You root for a different school Sorry you're Michigan alumni now It's actually a good thing I've done the same Here's an easy one

Okay Name these six Japanese carriers That attacked Pearl Harbor We got a hand up No this is not a hand up No we got two hands up Oh Holy shit.

Hey, do you want to play with Spencer instead of me? I'm not kidding. Sir, are you an admiral? Awarding Michigan an extra half point for alphabetical order. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to have to read back and forth. Oh, no.

That's Michigan, too. Florida's zero. Two, of course, is the number of points Florida scored against Florida State a few years ago. Florida State helped score those points. Similar number. Question three. Name the location

of the first man-made, controlled fishing reaction. Chicago. He was up first. Yeah, that would be at the University of Chicago in Chicago. Where on campus? Where on campus? All right, Spencer.

On Stagfield. For a bonus point, where on campus? It was in the football stadium. The 50 yard line. Yeah, squash court. Nope, football stadium. There was a squash court underneath the football stadium. It was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my Christ. They stack their sports. I know it totally sounds like I'm making that up, but I'm not. Also, there's a basketball court on top of the football stadium. No, that's fine. That's fine. That's fine.

That's fine. Yeah. Put pin in. Thank you. Florida, I'm out in the comeback. Let the record show that the Florida grad answered the thing involving a controlled substance. So this was before the proceedings, I set the over under, sorry for revealing this now at 2 for Florida. That was one of the, let's say, three, I thought y'all had a chance.

Okay, okay, good. It's good. It's good. I think you're ahead of pace now. Next question, question number four. In which Punic Ward did Hannibal fight? Second. Who was the first hand? Who was the first hand? the second the second punic one elephants that's an awesome guess

that's correct okay I actually knew that one we're at to work on our hand recognition I told you we should have done pro wrestling though yeah we really should have this is the

the elephants crossing the mountains and shit right it is the second punic world handle is pro wrestling though because he's like I got an elephant and I got some talk and Cato's like I got a mic let's go yeah

so we are Tide. Ooh. No, I think they're winning in the audience. No, they're part of y'all. You're oversigned. Save her a new sensation. This is why I didn't want to be

Cobra Kai. The Big Ten has 14 members. That's fine. That's 14 people, to me. Question next. We don't do math. Who were the two primary? leaders in the Great Northern War. Primary only, please.

We're looking for monarchs here. What is the Great Northern War? I don't know what this war is. That's a Game of Thrones. Did the people who wrote these questions ever have children? Did they ever meet anyone? Is this a traveling trophy game between like Minnesota and also Minnesota or something? Minnesota would lose.

This is the Minnesota Spring game. Do you want to call Jane for this one and see if she can get it? Yes, let's call Jay. Here, let's move to the next question. We'll move to the next question. You get Jane on the horn and we'll do that. Sounds like a coach plot point. Like, Minnesota State.

The Great Northern War. What a terrible name. No, a terrible name would be like the shitty Northern War. Is one of them Queen Christina? Hey, Jane, it's Holly. You're kind of close. Hey, who were the two primary leaders in the Great Northern War? Who were the two primary leaders?

we are calling a writer for Vox. This is an awesome podcast who went to the University of Michigan. I wish this is, I wish this was how it worked on Millionaire. Like, Regis just got his phone out.

Like, here you go. And Regis tells you what your mom said. Jane said, oh my God, we might have stumped everybody with this one. Wow. Your mother wants me to call a later.

No, no, no, I know. There's a hand over here representing Michigan from the audience. Well, he's like 10. Yeah. Let the next generation lead us. Okay. You got one?

Nope. Is that right? What was that? No. I'm sorry, young man. Can you give us a hint? Send you. Okay.

Holly, what was our, did we get any assistance? No, Jane said, Holly, nobody has that. Damn. Yeah. Damn. This question was written by a Michigan man. The answers we were looking for were Charles the 12th of Sweden and Peter the Great of Russia. Oh, of course.

Oh, yeah. They're dead, who cares? Here's how awesome we are at math. Holly, I'm very glad you said Charles the 12th, because I was about to say Charles the seventh. And I'm wearing a Michigan alumni shirt, so that's on all y'all. Two Vs just makes a W, y'all. We're the champions of the West. Can you stay out of these? Can I say what a flex it is, by the way, that he's like, can you do this part of war for me, please?

That's my specialty. So are we clear on which countries fought the Great Northern War? I would like to never discuss the Great Northern War. Sweden and Russia? I regret to inform you that the next question is also about the Great Northern War. Oh, my God. No, skip it. I'm bringing that up as a hint to say, we ain't done with the Great Northern War.

Yes, we are. In the Great Northern War, this is like the nightmare you have where you wake up and they call you and you're like actually you didn't graduate college you have to go back and take this final exam cold from 17 we're living that isn't that the sense you should get from something

called the fucking great northern war in the great northern war what is generally seen as the decisive battle it sounds like there could this could be controversial Toledo is very close We got a hand back here

Somewhere Is there another 10 year old back? They're 14, sorry? No, no, no. He's going to fight you, man. And I'm not going to stop him. What's got? Yes.

Oh! I like that the back of the audience is just rain and threes, right? That was the Battle of Poltava. Anytime you want to replace me the middle schooler, let me know. Is this how Ohio State grads feel when you start naming elements

on the periodic table? Carbone? What the hell is carbone? Oh, Carbone, when you have sex in a car, yes. I do know that. Just at Ohio State grads staring at Jeopardy going, where's the family guy category? I can nail that. Ohio State fans like, there's a table, drop a fucking elbow

through it. Holly, what's our score? You'll like the next one, I promise. What's our score at this point? I think we're still two to two. Oh, no, we're four to two. No, no, we're four to two. We got an official scorekeeper up front.

Yeah. The man from Canada. They're awesome at math. Guys, you'll like the next one, I promise. Yeah, this one is just for y'all. While knuckle-dragging Spartans, think Thermopylae was decisive. Xerxes invasion of Greece was actually repelled

by the victory of educated Athenians, the people from elsewhere in the state who actually went to school at what naval engagement? It sounds like meat if that helps you, Big Ten. There's a lot of hands up for this one.

Yeah, I know. The Battle of Porkbutt. You're closer than you think. Anybody with your hand up hollered out. You all knew that. The Battle of Salamis. Michigan has done it again. What's sad is that I'm thinking like, oh, what if we had done the categories I had like studied in school? I would have been just as bad.

Just as bad, yeah. It's all gone. Yeah. I don't know any questions about vaping. I think we deserve the point anyway because the other M-Gill blog guys are looking to me like, how did you not know that? Oh, yeah. They were visibly disappointed. Sure.

Shame point awarded. So that's 5-2. 5-2. This margin is healthy. All right, they're getting easier, I promise. This is a baseball score for a baseball school. Hey a blowout. You beat Texas Tech.

Congratulations on beating dirt. It's dirt with bats, sir. Dirt with bats. Nothing's more Texas than that. What is it? Angry Dirt with bats. That's Texas Tech. Texas Tech, the first level of every

Castlevania game. Next question. Israel allied with which Western powers to take the Suez Canal in 1956? Hey, they raised our house? Brian. France in the UK? Correct. Woo!

From the crowd. How much work was France doing there anyway, by the way? Oh, we're here, sure. They brought lunch. That's it. And there are a concession. threats are a vital part of any military occupation. Speaking of losing,

the most famous American defeat in North Africa was where? I love that this doesn't specify which war. Is this a soccer game? Three hands up immediately in the audience. Could you read the question again before we answer? The most famous American defeat in North Africa was where? Brendan Fraser signing on. for more mummy movies

is that to Brooke Spencer had a hand up yeah is that to Brooke it was not no all right that's my guess three hands up in the audience was there

2010 World Cup versus you got oh yeah that's a good answer yeah that's a good one you're talking about you're talking about Decatur going in there

and getting his ship flown up yeah well you could say the name of it if that would be good I just name the ship I just remember the ship all right I think the audience is fienden for this one.

We got a correct answer out here. We got a correct answer out here. Oh, we do. Hey, it's, how do you say it? Casserine Pass? Yep. All right. Jason knows history because he's a Michigan alum. That's like what a Wisconsin mom says at dinner.

Catherine. Catherine Pass. Sorry, what? Catherine. Barry Alvarez just pops up from out of the. the table. I've got this. Which military leader is famous for telling his soldiers to

burn their boats? This is a Michigan basketball question. You should all know it. That would be Cortez. Cortez. Now, Holly, is this a three-part question? There's a three-part question. Okay, so does the... We make rules up on the fly. We're like college football. Which leader was Cortez

fighting? Not in a That was a Michigan guy We were kidding about A very smart Michigan guy Was that Montezuma? Montezuma Yeah

Wow Okay for a final bonus point Which countries were fighting in that conflict Or which country in which tribal nation Well the Aztecs in Spain Correct There you go Three for three

all right you guys last question last question and we're going to make this one worth five points just to make it interesting what's the score at this point ask the Canadian many to two the Canadian says 10 to 2 can we make it worth seven

no five this is the rock and jock trivia question yes it is so this game is either going to end 15 2 or 10 7 it's a Michigan Northwestern game great We're going to an even more important war, okay?

The war of the mind. What was Clayton Jacobson the second? The Norwegian American inventor of the jet ski doing at the moment when he conceived of the jet ski. Spencer's hand is up. He was drinking beer in a ditch. Drinking beer in a ditch. Who knows the importance?

things. That's true. He really was drinking beer in a ditch, y'all. We're not making that up. Yeah, if you go on the Wikipedia page. And decided to invent the jet ski because he wanted the thrill of motorcycling without having a dig gravel out of his shin. Here's the thing. This is what he's told people he was doing. That definitely means he was doing something way skeezier. You don't automatically go without honest answer, drinking it. No.

I was in a ditch with a beer. He was definitely not a body. It was definitely not a dead body there. Yeah. Yeah. That guy, by the way, when he did it, he had four kids. I want to meet this man's wife. Because he had four kids and was heavily involved in motocross.

Yeah, his hobbies are listed as bodybuilding, street racing, and hanging out at the auto shop. And weightlifting. So he was basically my dad. Jet skiing. What if a motorcycle but drowning? I feel like someone fed them the question. That did feel a little... Yeah.

A little bit. Oh, weird. You sniffed out that conspiracy. I'm just glad that I got, like, one question, right? I felt, like, humiliated from me. I'm just going to go ahead and just point out that you're questioning whether a contest or tallying in Florida was inaccurate. I like the applause for that.

Shout out to elections. That is the end of trivia. Michigan is won. Michigan has prevailed. Help for the victors. Michigan has defeated Florida for the thousandth time. What is the question you were hoping you were asked? Well, really the one about the battleships at the aircraft carriers at Pearl Harbor, because I knew that.

I just answered before I could. Oh, wow. That was the joke, sir. So we can vacate these seats and you can get the Canadian back if you want. And the pit guy. Yeah, the pit guy. We do need some pit up here. All right.

Thank you so much, y'all. Shout out to MgoBlog. Shout out to MgoBlog. Yeah. Good game. Good game. Yeah, thanks, go. Oh, goodness.

I would also point out that Brian Cook is wearing an Oklahoma State shirt as all gentlemen of taste and culture do he's got the Pistol Pete with the culinary school's motto or symbol on it which is Pistol Pete with a tall chef's hat which is basically a man pointing a gun at you going it's going to be medium rare

it's fun to imagine that all the iterations of Pistol Pete at this point are he's in the Groundhog Day scenario where he has to find like his vocation and he keeps failing so I don't know fisherman nope sorry start all over live forever be miserable He keeps re-rolling an RPG.

Right. Oh, I want to be a rogue. Too bad. You're an accountant. So we've talked a little bit about y'all's favorite subject. War. It's time to pivot a little bit. We're going to talk about war.

Specifically, this is a podcast. All right. Allegedly. We're building on basics. It's time to dip into another podcast. The intro, if you're familiar with this other podcast, you'll catch on. If not, let's see, it goes a little something. Yeah, how many, how many dads?

If not, we'll brag you along with you like it or not. How many dads in the room? Raise your hand if you're dead. Okay, that's cool. Okay, y'all are good. All right, so y'all, y'all know this. Yeah, you're good, Jack. We got new balances on the stage.

We're good. Yeah, yeah. All right, so the intro typically goes something like, The integrity. It's more important than the team. The team, the team. Can you all hear that? Okay, good.

And then the intro continues with the... The amateurism. He's holding up. Jason, that's not what a keytare is. Did that work or no? It's not the worst sound you've produced. No, it's not. Thank you.

This is hardcore mystery. Yeah. Woo! So we like to start this podcast every week. With a little bit of a boxing metaphor. Because nothing sums up war. Better than... Boxing metaphors.

I think about the most Big Ten boxer. Who would that be? It would have to be George Foreman, right? You know what you talk about? Just running. Power off tackle. Left and right.

Over and over and over and over. And that's the entire game plan. That's a Big Ten man, right? Now, I'm not an historian, folks. I study the historians, and I tell you what they have to say. You are the historians. You have University of Michigan degrees. I only have a University of Colorado degree.

I'm sorry. Sorry for bringing up memories of Cordell Stewart. What happened? Michigan took a boxing metaphor. just a metaphorical punch consider this my application to your history department an honorary pre pre pre bachelor's from the University of Michigan we're here today to talk about the war between the Big Ten East and the Big Ten West now no one knows who fired the first because way back when the Big Ten was founded there were no shots guns hadn't been invented

alcohol hadn't even been invented that's how old the Big Ten did and why did the Big Ten go to war with itself was it political religious economic a war of territorial experience none of this none of this at all it's about iron sharpening iron pure competition the spirit of amateurism and if one side happened to gain Hundreds of millions of dollars from this enterprise. Shear coincidence. It's all going straight to textbooks. Just a George Foreman punch to the mind.

I apologize for referencing a work of scripture in a temple of secular knowledge. But it's a very old book, which I feel you'd appreciate. What the hell? Could I get the map on the screen, by the way? Textbooks was the name of Jim Delaney's yacht, by the way. So here's our battleground. The podcast is a visual meeting.

the objectives in this war one capture Indianapolis the dead center of the map objective two capture the opposing capital for the west of course it's the city of Chicago for the east it's New York City because

we're using Jim Delaney's map it says here there be dragons what are the resources Well, excluding the split territory of Indiana, the East states have 1.7 times the population of the West. 1.6 times the gross domestic product. 1.4 times the industrial manufacturing. All the high school football players,

in case you happen to need those. And far more soldiers and weapons. Don't worry, we'll be coming back to the information on that. The East can afford a long. war, it has the resources advantages across the board. However... Are you getting sleepy?

However, the West has a massive food advantage. Just a metaphorical George Foreman punched to the stomach. Iowa alone exports more

agriculture than the Big Ten East combined. Any Iowa fans in the house? They're too busy feeding y'all. The West can feed itself and sell to the other states indefinitely, while the East will immediately need to adjust. They're going to get hungry. The West can field big, beefy linemen and run that power play over and over, while the East is going to need to go five wide.

this is so much worse than patrino voice no it's not why am I aroused that's why it's worse than you know you're about to die you brought this part on yourself the east also loses access

to steak and shake and pizza ranch and culvers. The East has nothing to eat but Cincinnati chili. The situation is dire. So I'm going to skip the voice for a little bit. So the West's bounty of farmland here, you can see on the visual, on the podcast map.

It's far from the front. It's protected. But the West problem is its capital is right on the battle line. vulnerable to ground invasion and naval invasion, these sticks do have a few boats. So this could be relevant. The East Capitol is so far away that to capture it would be a mere formality after conquering the entire rest of the map

unless, say, a crazy person would go all the way around. But no one's going to try that. No one's going to try all that. Scan the entire Big Ten map for hills. Not a concern. We're good there. Obtaining southern Illinois, currently in the possession of the separate nation, the Salukis, will grant access to the Mississippi and Ohio rivers,

cutting the map in half. Very important. The war begins. Day one, Maryland fails to protect its house. Recaptured by the ACC, the double agent's name, Ralph Freedgen. This was obvious. The East still has a commanding lead in population. GDP, industry, et cetera, but the military losses are massive.

Maryland had 29,000 active soldiers more than any other two Big Ten states combined. This isn't the SEC. You can't just go pay soldier athletes to join your army. They have to study for like eight years before they're worthy of wearing the helmet. The East's massive naval advantage is all but gone, down from 10 bases to three. A naval invasion of Chicago is now dicey. Also, the West has air superiority, which, okay, Wisconsin quarterbacks, we're not all that scared, but two Air Force bases to one, including one right on the front lines. The West's pilots are dropping Runza and Cornhusks via crop dusters all over the East's Air National Guard.

The loss of Maryland is catastrophic. As we all expected. Maryland is very important. The first actual battle of the war. Wisconsin, not really a deep, strategic type of people, their first move, what are they going to do? They're going to run power left. Boom, there, it's right,

you just follow that curvy thing there. What do they encounter there? They encounter 300 illiterate, uncultured Spartans who are holding a narrow piece of land. Here comes the thundering, lecherous badgers horde. And just as at Thermopylae, the Spartans get fortunate weather. A 75-degree day. The hottest thing Wisconsin has ever encountered,

the badgers melt into a puddle of cheese, flooding all of Lake Michigan, ruining both sides' plans to either invade or fortify Chicago. Thus, Michigan State has done the only thing Michigan State ever wants to do or can do, which is to make everything slim. smell bad, and ruin everything for everyone, including Michigan State. Nice work. Thank you guys for being the only room we could do this segment because we wanted to do it for a real long time.

This has been building up for a long time. Also, ongoing, there's a battle between Purdue and Indiana. They're going to meet in Green Castle and sort of just take each other out of the war. That's fine. Northwestern, of course, is guarding Chicago. They can't go and join a fight because they were very impartial. Pat Fitzgerald does not play offense. And Pat Fitzgerald is not going to join a union.

So, Northwestern, is just going to stay put, 40 miles north of Chicago. So the east, seeing its capital so far away from the front, left only its seventh string reservists to guard capital New York City. That's Rutgers Way, way, way over there On the very edge of our room here What could possibly go wrong? Rutgers is in charge

Here comes PJ Flex Fleet of a thousand lakes Around Nova Scotia It's insanely fast How fast you can paddle Rutgers can't do anything to stop it Because they are a 90-minute train ride South of the city

They are allegedly in The West has just sacked New York City situation is dire that's fine take it Ryan Nanny now lives in Minnesota where was Penn State where was Penn State to

fortify to defend well they were in Mississauga Ontario they went the wrong way of course Illinois went there too so they've canceled each other out it's awesome that they both actually moved the West has captured the East Capitol but no one is yet one because no one controls Indianapolis. Unfortunately, the path is clear. I-70 is clear. Straight from Columbus to

Indianapolis. But not just Indianapolis, the greater glories that follow. Because Ohio State entitled to Indianapolis, not just that, they're entitled to play the greatest from all around the country. Regardless of what happens within the Midwest, they should be given the chance to compete against anyone because they're Ohio State. They want to be recognized as the best army in the country. They want to face all the other

five-star generals. Unfortunately, they forgot about a certain three-star general by the name of Kirk Ferrence. This is when the Buckeyes were decimated by tactics from a century prior. Like, wooden artillery shooting

like clay. Trebyshs and shit. Trebyshay, the original punt. So what do the Buckeyes do about this? Well, they promote Colonel Greg Shiano. But he gets hit by a train in West Lafayette. Ohio State has died. Who does this leave us with?

Michigan. Nebraska. Ancient enemies. A generation prior, these two split not just the Midwest. Is Nebraska in the Midwest? I don't know one, no one. They are Midwest legends, Nebraska. They split the entire country in two in the Battle of 1997.

The general leading the Huskers toward Indianapolis was a captain in that army and led an uneasy truce with the Wolverines in 1997. On the grounds of Lucas Oil Field or Stadium or which, it is during the pre-battle debate because we are big ten gentlemen General Harbaugh uses logic, reason, and intensity to convince General

Frost to admit the battle of Flea Kicker was a war crime and no one should ever need a bullshit win over Missouri in order to claim a national title except for my Colorado Buffaloes the Huskers then yield before anyone

and asks them what they're doing in the War of the Big Ten anyway? All that's left is for Michigan to conquer Chicago. And that is when General Harbaugh opens Michigan's most powerful weapon of all. The History Book. General Harbaugh reveals Michigan already conquered Chicago in 1939. The Chicago Maroons last year in the Big Ten when Michigan kicked that ass 85 to nothing. Thus did Michigan win a war using no weapon other than its mind. And that's the story.

The war of the Big Ten. You also had so much work you could have been doing while you could... Yeah, my boss didn't give me any show. Yeah. You're a terrifying human being. I am here to give you some bad news, unless you're a Michigan person, in which case, like, we're holding the axe.

This is great. Because I wanted to go ahead and look through the Big Ten because I think there's some dead weight. A little bit of dead weight, y'all. I just don't see this coming in. You know how in every movie, when they want to have like a real nut cutter come into like a corporate situation

and really sort of tighten up things? They're either like this icy cold sort of like... Alec Baldwin. Yeah, they'll either have Alec Baldwin come in and give some sort of like Jersey talk or they'll have some kind of glad-handed Southerner walk in and be like, well, hey, boys and girls, how you doing? Yeah, Billy Baldwin.

Yeah. Wait, that movie's called Up in the Air, so what are we doing here? We're about to be heartbroken, okay? What we're going to do is you and me, Michigan people, we're going to go ahead. We're just going to look through the Big Ten, and I've got to say, there's a couple of things. One, everyone's on notice. I mean, I don't think there's any part of this thing that we can't sell, okay? don't don't and and it's all up for grabs i just think that you know if you're not auditioning for your job every single day

right ruckers tickets we can't sell those we have a plan okay tax right off you're thinking of you're thinking of rutgers as a football team and a university and i'm thinking of it as plasma we can sell you say we have building materials besides people i say mulch pile Are you talking about liquefying people? Liquidation. Yeah, absolutely. Liquidation. Language is important.

The body is already mostly water. Unless you've been drinking delicious, Mountain Dew, Code Red. In which case it's what? Mostly. High fructose corn syrup. Shout out to the Midwest. Produced where? The Big Ten.

So, speaking of expansion and high fructose corn syrup, Big Ten, might have gotten out a little over our skis, all right? need to create a more efficient product, something that's going to compete down the road. And I think in order to make sure that everyone is running at 110 percent, everyone needs to feel the guillotine right on the back of their neck. So you and I, we're going to do that. Now, why is Michigan qualified to do this? Well, we're going to decide this in the most American way possible.

We're here first. We're here first. Are you necessarily the most successful program in the Big Ten over the past 20 years? We were here first. and is that how Americans decide things absolutely well it's not always about who's here first sometimes it's about who has the most money there is that yeah do you have more money than

than Michigan no okay so we get to decide yeah if you need me I'll be on textbooks and if you want to get on textbooks you'll put up the best numbers next quarter okay so this is your audience of the Big Ten, okay, and Michigan gets to decide this. So the one university that's not in trouble,

that's you. You're holding the axe. And we're going to start with somebody who definitely needs to step it up. Illinois. Woo! That's the right response to your job is at risk. Hell yeah. Illinois's like

rolling in in a tank top with like the tall boy open, like, let's do this. you can't hurt me anymore than you already have but what do you do here Illinois like what do you do here what do you what are you good at what are your job skills you didn't get Todd Graham

you didn't even do that did you like get his phone number like what is the entire state besides like Chicago's scary basement what's yeah i know what's okay you got more corn than iowa right america definitely needs more corn newcastle needs more coals yeah illinois you're on notice there's absolutely no reason for you to exist so help us find one or next quarter we're going to be having a much more different conversation also no flip-flops in the office pen state and that's when illinois shows up barefoot

I got those toeshoes. Ron Zook would have shown up in tow shoes. Oh, my God. That's what you know, Illinois. Like, I'm a Florida fan. Illinois's like, we're hiring Ron Zook. And I was like, you are so Illinois. Rod Zuck coaches by the doctors hate this one secret philosophy.

Penn State. You went through a toe shoes phase. I did. I bought toe shoes once. I really did. And then no one, like, no one would talk to me or notice me because they were ashamed. And I thought, I'm going to put the toe shoes away. Illinois keeps wearing them.

Just, just tripled down on the toe shoe phase of life. Penn State. I would like to look at your personnel file, but it's just blacked out before 2012. It's just, it's just. So we can really only discuss recent history. Let's see, you've only beaten Ohio State once in that span. And what kind of a program does that? It's just inexcusable

We're holding the axe If you forget this Penn State You, guy without axe Me, guy with axe Also, by the way, like, how are you different than Kentucky? Explain that to me. How are you different?

Are you Kentucky with a dairy? Ooh, that's neat. Are you expensive Kentucky? Guess what? That's hustling backwards. It's Kentucky without basketball. Again, why are you hustling backwards? Right?

We're Kentucky with less coal. Again, not sold here. What do you do here? That's what I really want to know because you lost a Kentucky in a bowl game. So why don't I just go buy Kentucky? I can hire them. They're cheap.

They're really, really cheap. So just show me what you can do over the next quarter because I'm not really feeling it, to be honest. I really want to live in a world where Big Ten fans have to be like, Yep, Kentucky's here. Academics, I don't know. I really want Coach Cal in the Big Ten, by the way. Yes, Kentucky currently has the deed to Florida,

which good luck getting that to stand up in court. That mortgage is underwater. We'd like to ensure this Florida we just acquired. Oh, good luck. It's full of ants with knives. Why did you buy this? Nope, full-size knives, y'all. Rutgers!

Two words, two words. Media rights? That's good. That's good. You got that going for you. And two? Parking. So much parking.

Immediately adjacent to New York City. Real close, right? Nod with me. Jim Delaney sold it. You can too. all right you're unnoticed Rutgers but you know that

you know that that's the thing about Rutgers they don't know this as a scam or they know this is a scam right like Maryland's like we'll be a member of a conference Rutgers is like pay us pay us and we'll pave

this whole goddamn university and turn it into a parking lot and be done with it we'll just be done with it you were the birthplace of civilization yeah did you see where people came from it's like a desert now. Ruckers has two adjacencies going for it.

The Big Ten and Johnson and Johnson. Two things that just save lives for some goddamn reason. Let Rutgers die. And water. You can just push the whole university into it and start over. Let the river take away the sin.

Indiana! Everybody turn off your recording devices here. Everybody turn off your recording devices. We're not. I can't. This is HR, so you can't. So Indiana, come in close. Come in close, Indiana.

Okay? not too close you've been eating shrimp cocktail Indiana Shrimp That's how stupid Indiana is Our big thing is shrimp cocktail Inland

We grew up on a farm They did They're a little cowboy shrimp Indiana I want you to know something We're going to have a little something I'm telling everyone else They're jobs in trouble

You're perfect You're special just the way you are do you know how important you are to this conference you give people like just noble enough wins you help us all pad the schedule by being like it's a conference game but you don't necessarily tank it or completely phone it in like some people to the west in illinois you at least try you at least make things kind of interesting every now and then and when you fail it's like colorful failure you're not just like oh you know like the transmission went out of my car no you're You went off the goddamn off-ramp.

Straight into a chemical fire. I mean, I gotta be honest. At the office, we love you. You're the best. Don't change the thing. Were you thinking of, like, trying? Don't get better. Any Big Ten fan that argues how many bowl teams

their team beat that year, Indiana is on that list because of that. Yeah, so in other words, like, you can, we're going to turn on the record. now again. Okay. Just that's like blank tape, right? Or delete it or just go like over it, okay? Because we don't want anyone else to hear that. But Indiana, just keep doing what you're doing, bro. Wisconsin. One, happy you show up sober. On Thursdays.

Sometimes Wednesdays. A little trouble at your culture, I've got to be honest, because everyone in your department just ends up looking the same. Like everyone just, you hire someone and they turn into a beer keg of some sort. It's like little beer kegs like Paul Christ and big beer kegs like Beelma and then, uh, that's why Anderson didn't work out. You know, you hired a guy who was like, I'm

gonna stay trim and they're like, fuck off. He's doing cardio. It's unacceptable. I saw him eating chicken. You know? This is the second show in three weeks which we theorized about children being named after party balls. And the other school doing it was

LSU. Yes, because remember, between us, you and LSU, same people. Same people. Beer, a lot of alcohol, hunting, disbelief in government, or order of any kind of sort, right? Definitely. Like, you know, if you've woken up in the woods recently, probably a Wisconsin or LSU fan. Can't spell Lutherans without LSU. And one. but that's it culturally it's a little troubling and everything you know and but in other words you know like I just want you to feel gently threatened by things right Wisconsin otherwise keep doing what you're doing and just don't tell anybody that you hire people by putting a

sweatshirt on them and seeing how they look like make them do an interview fill out a form or two Jesus yeah like Barry's just gotten sloppy gotten Purdue We need to talk about your most recent business trip to Tampa It's common for people to go down there And get a little off the rails Get it

Because they have a train But I can't really do the HR paperwork there's no spot on the HR paperwork for Eaton by Tiger in Tampa. There's not. In Tampa, there definitely is spot on that HR paper. That is a goddamn lie because there's paperwork in Tampa in the same sentence. And that is just, that ain't happening. Rolling papers.

We need to talk. Also, by the way, your recent attempt to be cool in the office has yielded mixed results with everybody, okay, because we do appreciate the additional production. But don't try to be cool. That's not your thing, right? Because you're engineers.

And when you try to be cool, it's the kind of cool that's like, yeah, I'm going to wear PVC pants and like dress like I'm in the Matrix, and it's 1999. I'm going to get to polyamory. And no one's comfortable with any of that. Yeah, I'm like a vegan, samurai, ninja, cyber kind of. What happens if you Google Purdue Open Marriage? Are there any results?

Danny Hope. Good. He's doing this on library, Wi-Fi. There are several articles at Purdue.edu about this first. The first result is from Purdue.edu. Change in family status, as it might affect your benefits. I can't think of a more open marriage. What a dork-ass thing.

I want to have an open relationship, but how will it affect? my flex spending account. How do you know I googled that in the last three weeks? So for the Google search, Purdue open marriage, there is an ad from Ashley Madison. Someone programmed this? Someone knew this was going to happen. My second result is about Amelia Earhart's private life.

I was going to say, I was like following down that road, what's more open of a marriage than the one between Neil Armstrong, the earth, and the moon? the like ultimate threesome we're doing this in a library Iowa I gotta say this we have to tell everybody that we're threatening here

Iowa completely thrilled with what you've done recently especially some things more than others Greg Shiano couldn't figure out a rollout an NFL great defensive coordinator was like sorcery and then Tennessee tried to hire him. How'd that go? How'd that go?

It was great. It didn't totally work out. You know, Iowa, you're basically like, you know, you're probably going to be fine. Don't tell anyone that. You're probably going to find. You're like Donna from Parks and Rec, right? If you remember Donna, like every now,

then it'd be like, yeah, you know, my rental condo in Seattle, you know, I really got to do something with that. You know, the spot in Hawaii, got to fix up, like quietly, secretly millionaires. That's Iowa, right? Just chugging along. You keep doing that. Maryland, that's not the case. Maryland,

we've got some stuff to discuss. You need to get colder. I don't know how you make it happen. But you've got to get colder because you're an abominable sweat bath of a state. From stem to stern. It's just like literally look at it on the map. It's just one horrible case of swamp ass.

Like literally. Like the whole thing. So you need to do some. But we have weird salt. Cool. Yeah. You need to do something like you're only like you also need to do this. Like academically like we got to keep this Big Ten thing up with like we're real smart. Yeah sure we have Maryland and Rutgers in conference now.

Okay. So obviously this is an issue. You need to step it up. Your primary export is journalist. That's not going to cut it. It's just not. Sports journalists. Especially. Come on man. Think of something. Make up a program. Bride some people at US News and World Report. That's what everyone else in the

Big Ten does. So just go ahead, get on board with this. Also, your only superpower is beating Texas. Basically, you're on par with obesity. Yeah, this is your report card, and it's not looking good, Maryland, is what I'm saying. All right, Northwestern, I'm going to give you the cruelest thing I can give you, which is I'm not going to grade you. If you want those grades, it's going to be $25,000 a year and cash payable to me. If you tell HR about this, I'll shoot the tires out of your car.

You're Audi. Because, of course, you have an Audi. Yes, I know you went to Northwestern. I've met you for a minute. Minnesota, I'm going to tell you this. We're just going to play this little game. One, you ain't cutting it. Two, lakes aren't that special.

They're not. They're just God's puddles. It's just like celestial sweat. Stop celebrating it, okay? Wisconsin's got all of that and festive alcoholism and lumberjack games. What do you have?

You got passive aggression. That's it. It's your number one export. Do better, okay? Next quarter. Guess what? I have aggression aggression. That's what beats this, okay?

Also, you hired BJ Fleck. We'll talk about that next year. We have Nebraska. We were talking about meteor rights with Rutgers as being their primary asset. Guess what yours are? Meteor rights. We haven't seen enough space junk out of you. Also, I don't really buy some of the points on your application.

I know the previous management accepted it. But the background check on you actually producing food is not coming through. Do you ever seen any food from Nebraska? I've never. like runs a that's not food it's just not food and you got to like generate something in the big 10 so it's either that or championships and neither one of those seem to be on the way so pick it up finally i want to talk to michigan state for a minute michigan state could just sit down we have any michigan state people in here yes it's going to be bad for you because everyone else

everyone else you know like everyone else we've given a kind of you know like hey you're doing this well You're supposed to do that when you do these kind of like, you know, quarterly reviews and put everyone on blast. I'm going to keep it short in Michigan State. We don't need you. Leave. Just go. Go. Just trash. Just go. Like, we'm not even going to give you the option, right? Like, ha, ha, we have to do some paperwork afterwards. It's done. Like, you can come out of the office for the next two weeks, and your badge might kind of work on some of the doors. But we're going to keep you out of the snack room.

break room off limits all right if the big 10 is a group project what are you contributing nothing you're coasting you're just sitting over there not generating a single point okay not doing a damn thing like what do you have that's a unique value to the big 10 right i'm gonna go back to the dairy thing you're like well we're an ag school well where are we going to find another one of those in the big 10 we're the gritty ag school okay mad max farmers Is that really your cell, right? They can't sustain those kind of drives. You know that.

Like, your chief, like, not discussing anything that's happened recently there, because I think that would be unfair ammunition. You could be replaced by a grocery store. If that's your primary argument as an institution, buy. We're finished. So Michigan State, you're completely out of the league. And I think we covered everybody. That's everybody.

Yeah. Yep, that was every Big Ten school. Every Big Ten School. Okay, so this is the part of the live show where I have to say this part so the people who are listening will feel bad that they're not here. This is where we're going to do Q&A. It does not go in the episode. It's only for the people who are here.

It's a dark match. To make them feel bad about the choices that they've made, although maybe they already do because they listen to this podcast. We got anything? Were we going to sing a song? No. No. No.

No. No. No. That's ain't Texas. This ain't Texas. Yeah, yeah. I have nothing left. Yeah, y'all beat Maryland.

Yeah, no. We have emptied the chamber. So what I'm going to say in short is, thank you so much for coming out. Thank you for staying the whole time. Thank you for, I think all of you consciously made a decision to stop sweating. and I'm really impressed by that.

I did not. Don't hug me. So thank you all for coming out. Thanks for coming out to the full cast. Hail to the victors and go blue. Good night, y'all. We all belong outside. We're drawn to nature.

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