Shutdown Fullcast - Live In Houston!

Episode Date: September 14, 2019

We went back to Texas, and this time we talked about something wholly irrelevant to the audience: dead or mostly dead rivalries. Does that mean we spent a lot of time on Mizzou and Nebraska? Yes, yes it does. We're very good at reading the room, and for the right amount of money, we will perform at your wedding. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, y'all. This is the recording of the live show we just did in Houston at Rudyard's British Pub. I want to thank them for hosting us. We had a really good time. And thank everybody who came out to the show as well. It was really fun getting to meet a lot of you and find out that I am taller than people expect me to be. I am not a particularly tall person. A couple notes as you get into this recording. First, around, I don't know, 14, 15 minutes in. There's a part where our mics died. We kept going for the crowd for a little bit. And then you'll hear Spencer scream, I think, that he has more power, something very tool-timey like that. So, yeah, that's an extremely full-cast moment. But we went ahead and cut that down so that you wouldn't happen to listen to us just sort of shouting from the back of the room, although that would be an extremely full-cast experience for you. And, of course, there were a couple sections of Q&A that we cut out because Q&A is only for those who show up to the live shows.

If you listen to this and you think, hey, that sounds like a good time. time. I'd like to come to one of those. Good news. We've recently announced that we're going to be doing live shows on Friday, October 4th in Charlotte, North Carolina, and Friday, November 1st in Jacksonville, Florida, ahead of the Florida-Georgia game. We don't have venues for either of those lined up quite yet, and so tickets are not yet on sale, but keep an eye out on the full cast Reddit or our Twitter account, and we'll definitely let you know when those go up. We would like to see more of you and show more of you that I am tall and strong and so handsome, bad at audio, but so handsome. Okay, hope you enjoy it.

Live from Houston, Goddamn Texas. And now, four ads for Vox Podcasts you'll never listen to. Hi, I'm in Kurta Wilson. Y'all should have been me trying to explain to our corporate overlords that introducing a podcast with Kathy Griffin, Nancy Pelosi, and Elon Musk was an act of aggression against our audience. If I wanted to watch Duke football, I'd subscribe to ACC Network. Not on Comcast, you wouldn't.

I am Spencer Hall, sitting to my right. Give him a hand. This is Ryan Nanny. I gave up a good job to do this. Sitting over here on the end, this would be Jason Kirk. Shout out's Kenneth all you all. What's happening? And I, too, really, really like Ryan's humongous styrofoam cup.

Look at the size of this thing. And then lurking somewhere in the audience, we have Holly Anderson. You don't know me. Don't act like you know me? The heart of freedom herself, Holly Anderson, somewhere out there. People like you, idiot. They don't know me at all. No, we are not here for the game.

I understand that there is going to be a cougar versus cougar game here tomorrow in Houston. But we did catch Dana's coaching show. Yeah, on the way in. On the bar TV. He has a very pro golfer who hasn't eaten in a week look. I have two questions for y'all. The first, did y'all put Dana on keto? And the second question is, what do y'all think Dana thinks keto is?

We have an answer. Oh, I decided it was an acronym. And what did we say it was? Ketamine. Ketamine. Ether. Turkey bacon. For health.

Keep my weight down a little bit. Turkey bacon or turpentine and orange cheese. That's right. The Dana Holgers and keto diet He's got that like Mark Rick looked though Like he's been dipped in paraffin And it's all just kind of You'd think I'd have experience with all of them

But the turkey bacon was a new part Everything else, old friends, all of them Spoiler, he doesn't put it where you think you should I think I would be most like worried If you opened to Camp Ether in the coaches booth And like nothing happened, right? Because I'm sure there are coaches that would do that. Hugh Freeze them.

convinced at this point, right? I think he needs it. Wait, is you freeze Curious George's human avatar? I did not know that Curious George was horny, so thanks for that. Really making bedtime with my toddler is so different now. Like there's no devian art bookmark

in your house. Oh. I heard laughs of recognition from around the Deviant art, like, for a Florida fan is just somebody crossing the goal line, right? So exotic. I can say that.

Here's a pinup girl throwing it past 30 yards. Do you see this beautiful burlesque dancer? She hit a receiver square in the numbers. Once. Once. That's all right. Dan Mullen can't coach, but at least he's a reprehensible piece of shit. My favorite thing about, like, cougar playing cougar is this, that they're two very different types of cougar, right?

The Houston cougar is like a kind of stolen state fair cougar, right? Like, it's missing a digit. I don't know where Sparky lost that. Did you just do the cougar shocker? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Little lewd, don't ask about it.

Thank you for. everyone around me who whispered, no, that's what you do. I know. I don't know what you're talking about. They're very proud of their shocker hand sign, apparently. Because this is the city where, I believe, two years ago, somebody found a tiger in a garage. What do you say, found?

What is the verb discovered? Like, we were on an adventure, and at the end of it, there was a tiger in a garage. Spencer, the word is met. Happened upon. befriended. Encountered. Yeah.

This is something that it could actually happen though because Houston's kind of a place where I'm like somebody's like, hey, do you want a cougar? This is Dana

asking this, by the way, right? It's real, it's like, Dana Holgerson's like, after the game, I'm a couple of bucks. You've got a spare cat if you need one. And you remember Charlie

had those baby tigers around his desk in Austin and Dana, those are just his roommates. Yeah. That's Phil. I call this one, Boino, because he's good.

But yeah, and then there's the Washington State Cougar who, as we all know, is an actual fucking Cougar, right? Like, that's the one you should be worried about is the Washington State Cougar because not only is he an actual dangerous live animal, he's an alcoholic. Functional alcoholic. Yeah, do we have any Wazoo fans here?

Did any Wazoo people? Oh, yeah! Brian Floyd's here. Brian Floyd's always here. Yeah, if you don't remember, by the way, Wazoo fans, everything you've been. would hear about them is true because they really did drink Auburn dry.

Yeah, no, no, no. Right? You're there, yeah. They're terrifying. Like, the drink cart, they will steal the drink cart. That's not an exaggeration. They're like, we've requisitioned this. Send more. The flight attendants are like, yeah, just go ahead.

Plainful of raccoons, basically. Plainful of raccoons, rooting for a cougar. A weird, multi-species rivalry, every single moment they're alive. That was also the first fan base that I ever saw Get Around the Clear Bag Rules in a stadium With moms Being conscripted into filling the diaper bag

Full of Tall Boys Babies drink too How do you think they become tall men? Oh, go ahead and boo He's got worse I can't be killed this week They already tried. If you think that was bad, he's going to sing later, so.

Speaking of Back from the Dead and the Undead, we do actually have a theme for tonight's show. Jason. So here in the great state of Texas, you folks have a number of football teams amongst yourselves, a number of overlapping and conflicting allegiances that not only do you have quarrels amongst these these overlapping segments

within the state. Also, sometimes those go out to the Great Beyond. A lot of these rivalries, we can call them that? No. Bear with me. I'm going to enter a term into the record and attempt to see if it stays.

A lot of these rivalries go back many, many decades. Some of them do not currently go forward into future decades. And in life, call them rivals, can you? Well, they're not right.

They don't ever think about each other at all. Not even a little bit. Not even very late at night. Not even when it's a little cold outside. Not even dressing your body pillows and little white pants. I ain't missing you at all. I told you he's going to say.

Tried to warn you. See, you thought Ryan was saying he's going to sing in like an hour. Nice try. There's a hurry up offense right here. and I mean offense, I guess. So, in honor of that, we pulled some content from Wikipedia, as all good researchers do.

We found a list of the most played rivalry, sort of narrowed it down a little bit to the most texatious ones, the ones that sort of revolve around the Big 12th conference, for the most part. Because y'all seem to have a little trouble keeping your friends nearby. I don't know why everyone wants to leave you all the time. jealous. Haters. They wanted equity.

You know, a thing you say about your friends. My friend got a job in Colorado forever. So I figure we're going to go

game by game through all these dearly departed rivalries that you folks have been too good to continue because, you know,

no one can handle to bask in the radiance of Texas, basically. And we're going to start with Missouri. Does anyone remember Missouri was in the Big 12? U.S.C. All right.

We got one Missouri fan. Technically, that was not a yes. You are really not going to like this next part. We miss you, Bill Connolly. Wherever you are. So, Missou. Missouri played Iowa State a hundred and four times. Why?

Why? Did no one notice this was happening? It's like it's just on the books. What's a food you don't feel strongly about? Like you don't hate it and you don't love it. Generally, any kind of vegetable. Okay, so let's say cucumbers. Yeah, that's fine.

How many cucumbers do you think you've eaten in your life? I don't think I've eaten 104 of them. But if by the end of time we get, by the end of your life we say you've eaten 104, you'd say why? And this would be the same, like it was just on the plate. On that Wikipedia On that Wikipedia entry It'd pretty much just be like Spencer v. cucumbers

Is it a draw? I heard somebody shout about the telephone trophy The Mizzou guy knows the name of the Iowa State trophy That's what they teach at Mizzou. Only idiot nabobbs from Missouri would get excited about Ooh, we found a phone! I'm going to hit pause on this. I'm going to hit pausing this after this,

because I have a bit more of me on this. And then someone from Iowa said, Give me that. And now they're playing football for it. At least I get like a pig. You're like, I can eat that. What can I do with one phone? Jack, fuck nothing.

You can order a pig. Or talk to one. That's one of them 3 a.m. commercials. the telephone number. Call to talk to a pig near you. Just Kirk Farrant said a drunk pig. Hello. Hello, Jeff Long here.

Man. I got your letter. I thought it was lovely. We're hearing some objections. Y'all ain't too cool for pigs. Y'all got pigs, too. Come on. Keep it real.

So what we want to... What we want to do is we want to take these current trophy rivalries that apparently the trophy wasn't good enough because y'all are no longer playing for it. And we're going to give you something to actually play for, right? that's a cue that's a cue so we're going to talk about

the telephone trophy first of all yeah yeah that'd be between again Missouri and Iowa State played 104 times for some reason again Missouri leads 61 to 33 if somebody actually knew that

off the top of their head in this room just please jump out this window exit head first make sure the neck and the head between the body make contact with the concrete because no one needs to know that without looking it up. No one.

They have the telephone trophy. I'm going to suggest that we upgrade it, that we call it the two telephone trophies. Because one of you idiots just has a phone and no friends. You need a second phone. This is how stupid

this is. There's an actual cause for this but it's mundane, right? Like typically you want something really great behind a trophy's origin story, right? Like, I don't know, he stole his sister's kingdom and all of a sudden it was a fight over a truck and now they fight over the sister's kingdom truck which the sister's kingdom truck bailer's involved there somewhere because there's a truck but there's like a biblical word in there

and then there's like a sister baler doesn't let women inherit property why do you think joanna gain's still married God damn. Y'all want me to get Spencer going again? Spencer, can you do the American sniper workout without the liquid supplement? No, you cannot do the American sniper workout without the liquid supplement. Stop. So powerful.

Woo! Like, what do millennials, like, if you just handed a millennial this, they wouldn't even answer a text on the analog phone, right, if they could get one, much less pick it up, right? No, but if you split it. the telephone trophy in half and I get the bottom half and I'm just talking but I can't hear anything that's my Twitter feed

isn't that your setting on Twitter how do I see fewer tweets? No I don't want to see any tweets see latest tweets see no tweets first this is my preferred setting but yeah like and this is also this basically this is only for your grandfather to call another grandfather in exchange like Q

a non-conspiracy theories at a McDonald's right we still really talk to each other about Q I think these two teams should play for a beanie baby because in 1998, boy, they thought they were going to be worth something. Yeah. My only note on the game, by the way, is that in this rivalry, there was a 6-5 game.

In 1972, Missouri won a 6-5 game. Your game should not be a small forward. Do we know about the 1800s border dispute between Iowa and Missouri? Yeah, I'm the smart one now. Screw you, history. They hired some dumbass from Kentucky, but I repeat myself to draw a straight line. Come on. To draw a straight line between Iowa and Missouri.

And, of course, he goes like this. So both sides It's like a middle schooler cutting brownies Yeah it's like All you got to do is walk a straight line He's like got it Why'd you send Gimpy Wilson to do it Mark off the whole damn state of half wrong

Oh jitter Jitterbug John Sullivan So both sides claim The like furthest extent of this line This goes on for about 40 years because there was nothing else to do at the time a Missouri sheriff goes to Iowa to collect taxes

Iowa arrests him someone from Missouri goes to Iowa to cut down a bunch of honeybee trees and bring them back to Missouri it goes on for every Supreme Court and everything blah blah blah blah this was called the Honey War if you tell me, Missouri and Iowa State

are locking horns in the 105 rendition of the Honey War I'm like fuck yes also here's the best part in 2005 Missouri paid to have the line resurveyed yet again they ain't over this shit call them up

ISU this is the first time I've ever felt like they belonged in the SEC this only supports my theory that there was no one in Iowa with two legs like no one you have always long reiterated that I have that's true

next up Speaking of border wars, and speaking of Missouri, Missou's most famous rivalry, of course, with the University of Kansas. Kansas University, it doesn't matter. They've played 120 times. The name of this was the Border War,

which is kind of an awesome name. A little bit too apt of a name. I think you meant to say they've played 121 times, 120 times in football. That's a pretty good way to put it. Because the first one, it wasn't fun in games, to say the least, not that most of their football games were, but this was directly from the Civil War.

When the Kansas Jayhawks, the abolitionist Kansas Jayhawks fought against Confederate Missourians, which implies that the Missouri Tigers were Confederates themselves, which is not accurate. The Missouri Tigers also fought against Confederates. Both these sides were ultimately on the same side here. So instead of the border war What if we gave this the corneous fucking name possible Which is kind of perfect

Because we're talking about the Midwest The Heartland Great Plains This is the only rival you could give this name for Let's call it the freedom fight Huh? Huh? I hear you booing That's fine It's about America Like if you gave this rivaler name to fucking

Georgia Auburn or something like that Then boo that shit out of the building but here it's actually accurate. No, I think this is... I think this is your idea that is best suited to take over a slot in the dead strip mall, right?

Freedom fight is, what, a karate class for... And a consignment shop. People who are in AA? I don't understand. No, but you know how Halloween stores just pop up for like a month? Right.

Ravelry store, the freedom fight. Bring the kids, pig racing on noon. Yeah, like, yeah. Mizzu and Kansas should play in a mall. Um, so former Kansas coach, Don Fambro, fucking hated Missouri. So much so that when he was very old. How do you have any feelings about Missouri at all? So basically he had all these bad experiences when he was, um, when he was a player and when he was an assistant coach and blah, blah, blah, blah.

One of the, uh, one of the, uh, one of the, uh, one of the, uh, such tales involves a Thanksgiving game played in Columbia where because this was a time barely before science, I guess, uh, people did not know. the Kansas side did not know that a snowstorm was about to hit on Thanksgiving morning. They found out just as they pulled into town, and they had not packed proper clothing for the game. They couldn't buy any because all the stores were closed.

So they went to the equipment room to see if Mazoo would sell them anything. Like, this is literally what it says, torn up old jerseys or anything else they could use to stay worn. They wanted to buy Mazu's trash clothes. And this is what Mazu said.

we don't care if you freeze your ass off we wouldn't give you a rag if your life was depending on it so Kansas responded in kind they went to the bus driver and asked him if he could park the bus behind the bench

so the players could stay there with the bus running to keep warm when they weren't on the field and the bus driver says there's a gate and it's locked and then the coach says knock it down and the old bus driver says,

okay, coach. Mark Dantonia was never any chill. So he knocks the gate down and parks the bus right behind the bench. And when the team's not playing, they sit on a fucking bus parked on a football field

to stay warm, all because Missou hoped they froze to death. College football, it's good and healthy. This is the thing about that you know that that bus ran on leaded gas, right? Wait, is that bad to exercise right near that?

And Kansas was never good again. Hmm. I don't know if this is the state to come to to be talking down fossil fuels. That's here for fossil fuels. It's called Bronchai confusion.

That bus driver, too. That bus driver's making like 13 cents a month. why don't you go commit a felony America used to be great 13 cents and a felony hell yeah but I think these two teams should play not for it they shouldn't have a title

they should just play again and the winner gets to keep a fucking bus behind their bench so they can leave we can leave Kansas is fine up next our third rivalry for Missouri Well, that's a very generous term, because it's the game against Oklahoma,

which has been played 96 times. Missouri has won 22 times. Spencer, what do they play for? They play for the Tiger Sooner Peace Pipe. Because if there are two parties... Very authentico. Because if there are two parties who are famed in both myth, lore, and... fact for getting together and passing a pipe back and forth with each other

in parley and in peace, it's a fucking tiger and a land thief. Natural alliance between those two. I propose that we changed the name of this to the Tiger Sooner Vap Rigg to reflect the largest economies in either state. Yeah, Vaping needs all the help it can get right now. It will need to be the Tiger Sooner Porn Vap Rig. see you can rest it right on the VHS tape you know you can stream that shit

what like both states are Eminem I don't know if you've ever read that interview with Eminem in like 2009 where he's like yeah it's my porn collection and like the writer's like you know you can get that all on the internet Eminem's like what like he hadn't left his mansion or pills in like nine years

I think this is by the way not really a rivalry much as like a formalized appointment to get your ass kicked every year and then hand someone a pipe. So it's like hanging out with your worst pot dealer in college every time. By the way, in 1986, under the guidance of St. Barry Switzer, sorry, Longhorns. The man's just flawless. Tigers lost 77 did nothing. They scored on 11, the sooner scored on 11 of 13 offensive possessions. seven of 13. And by the way, that was when they were running the bone, right?

So they passed like four times, the whole game. It was like four times for like 300 yards. Don't do the math. It works out. So another suggestion for the Oklahoma Missouri rivalry trophy. We're going to go with the Battle for the Joplin Devil Hornet Spook Light. I've talked about this on the podcast a couple times. There's going to be a couple more as well. So right there on the border between Missouri and Oklahoma,

the borders only goes about 30 miles because whoever was putting this puzzle together was shrunk. And most of that 30 miles is within the greater Joplin metropolitan area. And there's this thing in the skies like Soron's eye that's floating around up there. Some people say it's reflections from cars, but that's a government conspiracy because it was documented in 1836. So whichever of these football universities wins, this football game if they have to start playing because we told them to, they win

mineral rights, spiritual rights, whatever you want, to that object floating in the sky. They can, they can lasso it, drag it back to the chem lab, they can study it, they can try and unlock forbidden arcane knowledge and accidentally open a portal to hell, but it's Southwest Missouri so nobody can tell the difference. I can say that, by the way, my parents met in Southwest Missouri and then had me in Atlanta. So nothing good comes from Southwest Missouri. As you can see,

they could try to cast the devil out of the sky is what Missouri does. They take one look at that thing and they say, you know, we bind you, we break you, you're on holy territory, get your ass out of the sky but it's not going to listen. Or they could, you know, they could try and sell it to Exxon. That's what Oklahoma

would do. Take one look at that thing. We're going to make some money off this thing. Is this a good time? for me to derail the podcast and complain about Star Wars? No, I'm gonna, yeah. Absolutely. What's Star Wars? So, in the documentary film Star Wars.

Y'all thought he was joking, right? Me and my Big Cup don't need you. Anyway, Luke Skywalker lives with his aunt and uncle, Baru and Owen Lars. Did you do any prep for this? Don't you tell me about prep? Who is, all right, who, all right, spoilers. Who is Luke Skywalker's true father?

It'd be Darth Vader. What's his government name? Ralph. You a cop? King Ralph. Anakin Skywalker. So my thing is, why does Obi-Wan Kenobi go to all this trouble to wit sec a baby, give him to his brother and his, I think we determined it was his girlfriend at the time?

It's not his brother. No, she feels like a step-law. Wait. Step-brother. Whatever. But why does he not change his last name? How does the emperor not just have a Google search open for Skywalker babies? Oh, one popped out?

Oh, he's registered for pre-K. Kill, kill, kill. Like, you did it with the other kid. The other kid got a new name, got a new family, backstory, everything. Other one you're just like, eh. Already did all the work once. Don't really feel like it. I'll just hang out in my robe nearby.

That's witness security enough. So the answer. Yeah, it worked. Why did it work? Because George Lucas is a master of writing. It worked. It worked because Obi-Wan took him to Lubbock, Texas. Right?

Right? Vader was like, eh, I'm going there. There is a comic where, Vader finds out the name of the rebel is Skywalker and he's like oh I've really fucked up now he gets so mad that the glass around him is shattering

and it's fucking space glass it's like you need to calm down sir you're so mad about what a dumb ass you are this is a cracker barrel sir this stuckees is floating through space right now I'm just thinking about this like a home improvement show like the glass is shattering and I'm going

oh it's going to hurt the budget it's like grand designs the death star quick quick somebody tell the boss the kid's last name was Jenkins what does bottomless shot that's a lot of wives for Kevin 13 years later the project is

hopelessly over budget yeah Kevin McLeod Cloud City I got you yeah no that's a lot of death star wise that's not even that's podcast next week we got it sorry we can do our production meeting Uh, let's see. So that was most of Missouri up next. Huskers, where are you at? Are you... We got any Nebraska people? No, they're still working in the fields.

Providing meals for honest Americans. They're hiding from this metal cup that we've got up here to ward them off. Did you say fighting meals? Wait, where's our Colorado people? Or providing, Ross. Did you say providing or fighting? I don't... Oh, who's got the Colorado Metal Cup? Yeah, we got Colorado Medal Cup. That's why I know...

It's like a, what is it, warred off vampires? That's what it does. Yeah. Actually, after last week, you own them so you can speak for them. I would like to Photoshop this into that scene in Last Crusade, where Indiana Jones is picking. Oh, that's the cup of a carpenter. You haven't actually, you wouldn't actually ask about another Missou-related rivalry, would you? Well, we were almost done with Missou. God, too. Unfortunately, Missouri. Oh, I thought Ryan's Star Wars aside was boring. Oh, wait, here comes more Missou talk.

Can we stick to the University of Missouri Tigers football discussion? Yeah, that's why we came all the way to Texas. It does take this long to drive through it. So Nebraska and Missouri, you played 104 times. Again, Missouri. You won 33. Played for a rivalry trophy, which this one actually has a good story. 1892, two Nebraska fraternities stole a church bell.

And then these two fraternities... Screw you, God! The fucking black metal band. of Nebraska rose up to... So these two fraternities are battling over this bell for 30 years. Nebraska, the chancellor or whatever, King, whatever they had at the time,

he's like, I'm so fucking sick of these fraternities fighting over this bell. Missouri comes along and says, hey, you're going to kick our ass for the next hundred years in football, we should have a rivalry trophy. This guy's like, got it. This is how to get this bell to stay in one place forever. I tell Missou they can have it if they beat us.

Now it's just parked in Nebraska's trophy case till the end of time. But let's see if we can improve on this. I thought you had something to say. I mean, I did, but... Go for it. Okay, well, the one thing I was going to say is, do we know Nebraska has an island? What? So, Nebraska has an island. It's in Missouri.

And it's in an Iowa school district. I'm not making anything up. About 150 years... Worst, like, Harry Potter ad-on fanfic possible. It's true. It's in all our best, most enjoyable locations. This is where Larry the cable guy

keeps his war crux. So, like, 150 years ago an earthquake slash flood. I thought everything that killed Nebraska's was locked in a safe in the football offices. Oh. This thing disappeared like 150 years ago because of the Missouri River

getting rerouted. Nebraska lost its eye. but it's still there. It's still in like three states at once. Nobody knows who's in charge of it, but everyone's too polite to say, hey, this is your problem. It's like, it's like this part of Earth that's separate from the...

Tom Bombatil lives there from Lord of the Rings. I told you was going to have some dumb fan-fick shit. Yeah, we're not talking Star Wars. We're talking cool shit. It's called McKissick Island, and that's what Nebraska and Missouri were playing for. The battle for McKissick Island that doesn't exist and is in Iowa.

I did not come up with an alternate name for this trophy because it should not be played. Mizzou lost every game in this series from 1979 to 2002. There was a four-game stretch in there where they got outscored cumulatively 199 to 21. 21.

I just fucking stop at that point. I hear consistency. I can't remember, by the way, there was a Kansas, at one point there was a Kansas Nebraska game that was like weather delayed, but for the kind of reasons that you only get in like the Great Plains, right? But you're like, well, was it snow?

Kind of. You know, was it a hurricane, sort of? Right? And there's like one guy up in the stands that, I remember I was watching, like, it was 1145 p.m. Eastern And there's one guy in the stand so I'm like, he's going to die of exposure.

And I was thinking it in my head and the announcer, and I can't remember who they were. I would kiss them on the lips for this. a live TV said I'm worried about exposure for that young man out there we're all thinking it that's how Scott Frost was born

damn that that's a good fucking name for a dude board and exposure sharp thinking right there we don't we don't acknowledge DC here you take that shit to PAPN god damn it

Brian, did you have anything on that game? You just wanted it to not be played? I just know, man. Well, let's move along. The sooner we stop talking about Mizzou football, the better. Because now, we're going to talk about Iowa State, Kansas, state, and Kansas. So, Nebraska had a lot of these kind of robberies where it's like, y'all played a hundred times. Why?

Why is football so old? So we're going to lump all these together, because combined. you only beat Nebraska 48 times out of these 300-something games. Nebraska does not need to play every single one of you. You can do one for a year, whatever. This is the shittiest Voltron you could assemble.

Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State is the ass. This is all ass. Just three asses. Three metal asses. This is the Mighty Morphan Unpower Rangers. I'll be the ass. And I'll be the ass.

And I'll be the ass. Wait, is it time for the Iowa State story while we're in kind of a dark match situation here? Yeah, let's do it. This will be their last mention, so this is perfect timing. All right, last mention. It's Alaska Week.

Congratulations all. Woo! We, as most of you know, we run a charity drive every year. Every year after the charity drive, a couple of us have to turn up at the charity gala for a New American Pathways, this refugee resettlement organization.

that we support to the tune of, what, $180,000 this year? $180,000 this year, yeah. Yeah, we're actually like the... We're the largest private donor. Yeah, the largest private donor to this organization is actually the full cast slash EDSPS commentary. We have to sit in the middle of the room when this happens. You have to sit at a table that's close to the front of the room,

which means you can't check your phone during the gala. So you have to talk to the people at your table. I was sitting next to a doctor who spent time in Iowa State, and I was making idiot football conversation. And I said something about, you know, like, oh, ha, ha, how's the water? And she looked at me, and she said, how do you know? And I said, what do you mean? And she said, the water in Ames, Iowa, tastes like cancer.

This is a doctor who told me that she drank nothing but bottle water the entire time she lived there and left her job. like a month after she got it because she just couldn't handle it in that town. Yeah, she was the diversity hire in Ames. And by diversity hire, we mean a white lady who went to UNC. Like, I'm not making that up.

No, they told her that. She has short hair. Oh, my God. Don't look at her name. Let's try this. Anyway, let's not docks her anymore, but I have two witnesses who saw her say that water tastes like cancer.

Cancer. Anyway, Iowa State football. And that's like, that's all, that's Ames' entire claim to fame is a cancer water. Nebraska, you can just play KU. Buddy, if I want a cancer water, I'd stay home in Knoxville. Yeah, we've got plenty of that around here. So Nebraska with these three shitty big 12 teams, y'all can figure it out amongst yourselves, whoever wins. So this region of the country has a name.

You know how like, you know, in the south there's the Sunbelt, right? Like, we have these little sub-regions all throughout. This part of the heartland is called. corn belt and man if that doesn't sound like a badass trophy strap you on the corn belt that's it we're done talking about we're done talking about Kansas Kansas State and Iowa State I like you had to lump them all together like those sad countries in the Olympics who are like lower Oceania West you know and they've got like one BMX rider One really confused skier and like a guy who looks like Gene Chiswick, the Polynesian.

Like the ten people who remember that. Wait, how much like Gene Chiswick? Like Gene Chiswick and like a lungi. Yeah. It's amazing and a sarong. Not making that up either. Go on. Yeah, go on.

Oh my. Jason, would you take us out of this hell? So the last, let's say this, the last non-Texas rivalry we're going to discuss here today. Nebraska, you've had your fun, and now you're at the final boss, because Oklahoma, they control that rivalry. The greatest game in the series is, of course, in 1971, quite arguably the greatest game of football history, two of the best teams ever, blah, blah, blah. Nebraska would very much love to go back to that point in time. Oklahoma would also be fine going back to that point in time. Christina Applegate was born on that day.

what we're going to do is the winner of this is important you'll see the winner of this rivalry earns the right to hire christina applegate as a celebrity president uh she can of course then sue the school for using her name and likeness as my attorney will will attest sure uh and then we have a christina applegate gate and that's what we're playing that's what we're playing over yeah this was a hard one because this is actually a good game yeah there's a lot of the time So... Sorry. That's out of our... It's not really our bailiwick.

Out of our jurisdiction. No, let's get something that's a little more like refreshing, something that's more full cast and like filled with disappointment and farce and satire and pain. It's time to talk about Colorado Buffalo's football. We're not actually going to talk about Colorado Buffalo's football. Instead... Sorry, sorry. We already got your weapon. There's nothing you can do about it.

You disarmed yourself as soon as you are. You got to be, listen, you've got to be careful calling out someone from Colorado because it might be, hey, strongest thing I got on me is an edible, and it also might be like, I floss with an AR-15. Can go either way. Aggies, where are y'all at? Oh, you're here. I thought you left. So, we're going to talk about four games that revolve around the fact that the Aggies done up and left.

I would like to remind everyone. that that all happened because for about eight years, everybody in the Big 12 was like, I'll go to California. I'll fucking do it. Me at Oklahoma State, we got a pat. We're going to fucking go. And then Colorado was the only

one to fall for it. Oh, man. No, we were never going to go. What are you doing? Let's go, guys. We were just saying that to make Texas mad. Colorado, you stupid fuck, come on back, idiot. It's cool.

I can't hear you. I'm way too high to hear you now. Sorry, I've got to go to UCLA now. They've got 800 fans. So. Five. Five. One was passing through, but at the time, the photo, was five.

So, Aggies, you got sick of Texas as shit. Can't blame you. And left. But before that, there was another rival that you left behind. In fact, the great city of Houston. University of Houston and Texas A&M, that was a rivalry. It was a conference rivalry. In fact, it's one of Houston's most played games ever.

One of Houston's oldest series is, and it no longer exists because of some Aggie Conference shit. This is the only rivalry that ever died because of Aggie Conference shit, of course. Only one. So... Why are you laughing? Were A&M and Houston to reconvene their series and begin playing again? I found some beef, kind of.

Spoken like a man who got a D.N. Meets. Shouts out, Rick Perry. Got a D.N. Meets. Do we have any A&M Biosciences majors here? I knew it. Where is the A&M Biosciences College? Is that not Houston? Okay.

Well, the Internet says it's. Houston, and we're going with that. Okay, all right, all right. Yes, we're on the same page here. So, this used to be called the... Okay, I'm reading my spreadsheet now. It's a great audio. It's at the Texas Medical Center, the world's largest medical center,

but I repeat myself because Texas means world's largest, right? Texas produces more heart surgeries than anywhere in the world, and it produces more heart disease than anywhere in the world. It's a perfect. In my head, this is... a hospital that has a normal, you know, holds 300 people, just everything in it is fucking huge. The hospital beds are all California kings. Go get the gurney. It's one of those mining dump trucks.

No, this is like the fourth world in Super Mario 3. Yeah. Fourth Ward, fourth world. So in honor of A&M's presence in Houston, at the world's largest medical center, we're going to call A&M Houston. The world's largest Texas rivalry. I can't think of any that are bigger. No. Right?

This is the biggest one. Since you's been gone. We have another Buckees Bowl on our list. I should have known. Actually, my alternative for this was to go ahead and call it the battle for Buckees number 18 on 290. Because you know, these two story programs really only separate. by a couple of thin, gently applied

pieces of asphalt stretching between them and what in Waller, Texas sits smack dab between the two and is a prize unlike any other, that's right, Buckys. Buckys 18 in Waller, Texas. If you lose, don't show your face there.

Don't try to get a brisket sandwich from the heart of Texas station in the middle. Don't try to get any beaver nuggets. Don't try to buy a propane, let's see, stove, lifestyle, wife, airplane, Did you say propane wife? Propane wife.

The Propane wife by Alexander Banks. Available a bestseller shelves this fall. This Jonathan Branson book sucks. I don't even know what propane is. But I repeat myself. Yeah, no, this is it. You can't go in that Buckees for an entire year. Can't show your face. And everyone else who shows through, say, if the Aggies win, who you just roll on in there, get a free gallon of gas with every purchase.

Make it count, is what I am saying. next up we have a game that's been played 92 times and I'm sure we all have vivid memories of those Texas A&M versus TCU TCU fans we got any that's okay one we have one member of every university hi Gary Gary stop texting me so the best thing about this rivalry is that Giggum

comes because Aggies took one look at a frog and said You know where this thumb's going. That is where... This is canon. This is where Giggum came from. Aggie saw a frog. And to this day, they tell each other about it every time. They stopped playing in 1995

because of some Aggie conference shit. Never happened. The only time this has ever happened. They have played once since then. Once against A&M's will... In a bowl game... In the galleryfurniture.com... They are going to start playing again,

and we're going to call it galleyfurniture.combo. That's a good name. We've got a sponsor already. We're making money here. Galleryfurture.com is still open. It's still there. It says Astros win at all 2019. Cool.

Yeah, it's good. God bless Matt is Mac. We're just getting in the past. program by shouting out Texas businesses. The ultimate cheap pop. What a burger. Panda Express. I think, you know, we obviously, we're not being kind to A&M in their history of conference jumping.

But it is because of A&M making the move to the SEC that TCU is. in the Big 12 in the first place. The Aggies and the SEC announced that that move was happening on September 25th, 2011, and less than three weeks later, TCU said that they were coming to the Big 12, ignoring the fact that they had already joined the Big East and left before the party even started there.

Fortunately, the Big East was fine. And here's what I think is really cool tribute. As of this recording, TCU and A&M have each one an equal number of big 12 championships. I think that's cool. Next up, a Texas A&M series that has been played 108 times. Again, why was this on, why didn't someone stop this? Delete this auto-repeating Texas A&M 64, Baylor 29, the Battle of the

the brazos. Why did that happen? I-35. The important thing about this series, and I think Spencer and I are on the same page about this, is that there was a solid period in American history, roughly between the end of World War II and the start of the Vietnam War, where we didn't really know what pranks were. A prank could be anything. Wait, is this like when we had Godfrey on talking about how getting charged?

with terrorism used to be a much more light-hearted thing. A little bit, yeah. So, like, a prank in this rivalry could be, ha-ha, we snuck on your campus, and we painted a building, a wall of a building green. Or it could be, ah, ha, ha, ha, we're coming with artillery to shell your goddamn campus. Go balls.

Like, so the Baylor Bear got kidnapped multiple times over the course of this rivalry. At one point, Baylor, according to one article we found, gave the bear to the Waco police. For safekeeping? I got warrants. Like it was a government witness going to testify against the mob and they had to protect it.

Jack Ruby showed up and shot it. Never happened in Texas before. You know what would have been a much better idea if I'm Baylor? Get another bear and just let whoever... That way whoever has... When you're kidnapping a bear... Spare bear. You got my spare bear. I got the good bear back home, you idiot.

The bear in the same. Fair, yeah. No, but hear me out. You got like a, you got like a ransom of Red Chief situation that can't kill you. Because when you're kidnapping a, when you're kidnapping a rival mascot, it's in somebody's like rec room or something. It's a short term, whoever is kidnapped that is thinking short term and you suddenly confront them with long-term bear storage. So one of the times that the Baylor Bear got, one of the times that the Baylor Bear got kidnapped, the kidnappers, the bear destroyed the kidnappers' carbs. because it's a bear.

How'd that happen? It was breathing. In what part of the car did they put the bear? I assume, well, you know. Cars were amazing back then. That's why you got to give it a Game Boy. It was probably next to the cocktail bar, you know? What do you mean we don't have goldfish?

Rur! You said I could watch Moana! Now you just sound like Spencer's youngest son. Spencer, is this what parenting is like? A bear would be easier. So these two A&M students stole the bear. Bear tore up their car. They abandoned the bear by chaining it to a tree in College Station.

At some point, the bear climbed the tree, fell, and hung itself to death, and died from hanging itself. And sports riders were such shinny, callous people of the time, they were like, well, at the time. Touche. Their response was, look how bad Baylor football is. Even the bears hanging itself. You can't tell me Albert Breer wouldn't write that tomorrow.

Why'd that bear quit on his team? That owner's out $75. You damn near lost a hand cart. This is what the transfer portal is doing. Man, death is the ultimate transfer portal. That is, by the way, my third or fourth favorite, like, story involving a mascot and, like, either killing themselves or something else. My favorite being the Arkansas mascot, Rothgar, who got out and went on, like...

Say that Arkansas mascot's name again. Rothgar. Went out, and it went on, like, a two-week. killing spree. That's what it says in the official history of the mascot that the University of Arkansas wrote and they were like, that's the word. This is the one where the list of shit it's killed

is like nine different species. It's the very hungry caterpillar. Yeah, there's a damn giraffe in there. No, seriously, if you want like to run the first, you can do this. If you want to know what its life was like, watch the first 60 minutes of predator. That's what Rothgar's like, two weeks prey was like.

This is still the same. silver medalist. This is also what you get for the name of your fucking mascot, Rothgar. Yeah. The gold... Do you think it was gonna do?

The gold medalist was at the time, Ramsey's, Ramsey's whatever, the UNC live Ram mascot, got headbutted by his son, died, and the son became the new mascot. What's wrong with that?

How fucking metal is that? Now we have a succession plan for Spencer where he's inevitably murdered by his sons. I would be so happy. that's why mac brown didn't trust will muscham with that big old head oh he's he's gonna aim it right at my kisser and take me out

I can't this needs to go on camera it's like a bowling ball with a bad wig I just see that big red orb floating toward me wait is that why Matt got so much plastic surgery in the off-season Have you been head... No, have you seen a North Carolina game? He looks like Faye Dunaway.

No, he looks like Faye Dunaway now. Let's put Will Must Champs somewhere where I'll never be found. You got a massive... The college football Hall of Fame. Mac Brown's a great coach. I don't know why I said that. Good night, everybody.

That was really dumb. It was unfair. He's awesome. He's good at his job. I thought you were saying must champs, not... Yeah, let's go with that. So, um... I wanted to, by the way, I wanted to rename

this rivalry trophy. Yes, please. I was trying to think of what Baylor and A&M might have in common culturally, and boy, it's not a lot. That's really Waco's fault. You're right? What does Waco have in common with X? You're just like, yeah. I just called it the Black Market Veterinary Insulin Showdown.

Waco is really handy for everybody who's like, gosh, A&M's really weird. It's like... I think we were discussing this at one point today. We're like, I'm going to make too much fun of Baylor, and I'm like, do you know how sick everyone has been of Baylor shit for years? With the bear story, we were like,

is that too dark? I'm like, do you know why they made that joke? They were tired of them back then. It could come out tomorrow that every episode of Fixer Upper was actually about hiding a body in the renovated house, and that would be like the eighth darkest thing about Waco's history. Chip Lapp doesn't allow ooze.

I really like Re-Creclothed. claimed wood because it hides fumes. You could just roll up and, like, discharge a machine gun with your friends in Waco into a hooters, and they're like, ah, no crime. No, that literally happened to all those fibers. No, that happened to all those fighters. Yeah, I'm sorry, the knockoff hooters, so you don't have to, so your pastor does it. Twin Peaks, is it a mountaineering club? That sounds like a coffee roastery, young man.

What do you do? Yeah, my friends and I go and kill other people there. It's about rock climbing and fellowship, I assume. A kind of fellowship, yes. You know, they said once this stadium was built, Baylor football was going to be the greatest game. It's past our bedtime. Is there another rivalry that Texas is involved in?

Surely that's it, right? Alibam and Rice. So, 118 planes. Texas A&M 36. Texas. 69. The current name of this former football series that is no longer being played

due to university branding initiatives. It's a scheduling problem. It's simply impossible for two. It's not a problem if there's not a rivalry. There is no way for two football schools to organize a contest whereby the logistics just don't work out. Podcasting is a visual medium,

which is why I can sit there and do this. So the former name of this football series used to exist was the Lone Star Showdown. Do we have anything better? Shoot out. Was this one also a shootout? So the Lone Star Showdown Shootout Melee.

The battle for the Jade Helmet. So because both sides of this non-rivalry, you know, absolutely do not lie awake each night clutching their pillows, trying to find any warmth, any heat, any contact comfort whatsoever. longingly underneath the empty sky, one star remains. God's eye is fading.

Texas's eyes are no longer upon you, Aggies, and you're so lonely. Those horns are lonely, too. They're both looking up to that one fading star in the sky. What are they not? They don't look up to the sky. Those cows are longing for that star in the sky. They're going to become astronauts, Ryan. I believe in them.

So as those Aggies, after a long day of farming, contributing to the world... Being CEOs. Being farm CEOs, they lay there and they stare at that dying star. After Longhorns, after whatever the fuck they do, the lawyers or whatever, they also stare at that last dying, fading star. The name of this rivalry is no longer the Lone Star Showdown. This is the Lonesome Star Showdown. Because you motherfuckers,

need each other. I got a name for it. See, I was, I was thinking this is a, this is star-crossed, this is star-crossed cowboy lovers. Right? Don't do this. Don't do this.

I was going to call it, I was going to call it, I was going to call it, I was going to call it the back mountain rivalry because we ain't broke. We got money. Cowboys, we love each other. Also, Texas, we always back. So it's the Richback Mountain.

Broke Dick Mountain. Broke Dick Mountain. Are we doing those ad reads again? You know, we have the song about cows, right? The song about cows, we all know it. Do you want to do it? Big cows? Big cows?

Big cows? I'm big cow and I don't like you You can suck my dick That was amazing But I was saying we need some equal time here All right All right

All right Saw varsity's dick off Huh? Everybody, let's try that one. Jason, you'll lead us in song? All right, we got it. We got all doggling. Everybody dogglead.

Get your shoulder. Saw varsity's deck off. Saw varsity's dick off. The varsity's day off chart A You know like somebody in the marketing

I can't wait for our Christmas album He didn't He didn't tell us We were going to do that I told nobody that was happening There's some Aggie fans who are like We got something for you LSU You think you're the only ones

Who can talk about dick in a song that's the end of the spreadsheet I mean there's some other shit there is one more Texas one on here Rice Texas What the hell's a rice owl So They're real small

You're probably familiar with JFK's Why do we go to the moon speech To blow it up go where to the moon um yeah we didn't and the same speech this is the same speech

this is the same speech where he says he's giving the speech at Rice says why does rice play Texas the idea is that we try to do things that are really hard and well sometimes people will die in flames but at the time

Rice plays Texas because Texas used to only be able to play teams of little Russian dogs Well I mean I think this rice is a Texas challenger It's gonna get worse don't worry But at the time Rice playing Texas wasn't that weird They were 28 and 19 when that speech was given I believe in 1962 They tied the game that was played about a month after that. And since then,

rice is 2 and 44 against Texas. I think when Texas plays rice, the winner gets the moon. Is that fair? It's got oil in it, probably. Jerry Jones is going to find it. There's one way to find out.

That would be a Jerry Jones. T-Boon's not dead. He's frozen. Who said that? Jerry Jones is going to be the first. astronaut to go pantsless. No, I got to let it breathe. I promise you he's not. It was the 60s man. In space, there's no excuse for your weird dick.

Good night, everybody. Yeah, I think that's it. Casio Dog, play fancy. Fancy? Okay, I'll do that. Just the chorus. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Costume change.

Thank you. And thank you for coming out to the live, shut down, full cast. all the way from the great state of Texas. This is Ryan. That's Jason. That's Holly. Thank you for us. Thank you for coming out.

And good night.