Shutdown Fullcast - Live in Jacksonville (November 1, 2019)

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

Way back in November, we went to Jacksonville and did a live show! I would be lying if I said i remembered the things that we talked about, although I know Florida disasters (football and otherwise) is on there. Also, UConn was playing Navy during the show. They lost by 46, which proves if your choice is come to a Fullcast live show or play Navy in football, you should pick the live show. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast, live from Jacksonville, Florida. Do they're featuring the Yukon Huskies. And the troops. We wanted it on four TVs, and they said there were regulations to prevent this sort of thing. Is there anyone in the room who this is their first time in the state of Florida? Okay, I feel much better because... Is there anybody here who can't leave the state

because you have one? Okay, I feel better, because if somebody had, in theory, said, I know, that's how I'll break that bubble for this show. Bad choices, man. I would say, by the way, this is not your first time in Florida for anybody, so none of you have lynched when you pulled up and you saw a strip mall ping pong bar flanked on either side by Bailey's fitness and a massage parlor.

We've never told a joke. We haven't told one joke on this podcast, right? We're like, yeah, we had one that was next to a massage parlor. They'd be like, aha, that's so droll and funny and red state of you. And you're like, no, no, that was actually how it happened. School roll call? Sure. We'll start with the easy one. Where are the Florida gators in the house? It's like working at Banner Society. How many of y'all with tax fraud majors? Raise your hand, tax fraud majors. How about insurance fraud majors? How many you doubled, like me? The guy who just cheers the tax fraud

is giving me the tickets to the game tomorrow. That's fine. Yeah, you're definitely getting in. Jason, I think it's your responsibility to call the dogs. God. In your own fashion, of course. This does fall to me. My fellow Georgians,

I feel like I'm giving an address on like, I don't know. It's like you're resigning from office. They're making us read books. We object to this. How many of us are there here? All right, all right, all right. All right, a few, a few.

Any other non-Florida, non-Georgia SEC affiliates in the house? I see a Kentucky man. Okay. A little bit of everything good. We got Kentucky. There's a Georgia Tech man in the question. Do we got Van der...

It's a Georgia Tech fan in the back. That's SEC. Is there any... Are there any Vanderbilt fans here? Exactly. I heard an Auburn fan over here. I'm going to go ahead and make you a nine-point favorite on this podcast to your boy.

And you won't ruin it, because if I make you an underdog for this podcast, you'll somehow win it. Oh, he owns the whole podcast now. He's on the show. Look at that. He kicked a 52-yard field goal and won the bar. Ryan, are you allowed to talk shit about Nashville's hometown college football team? The Tennessee

Titans, of course. Nah. No, fuck the Titans, go Jags. I saw one person I want to shout out here, way in the back. We got a pit. Somebody put Pitt in the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have seen at least one Oklahoma fan. There he is.

He's over there arguing with the knoll. Do we have any Texas fans here? All right. Anybody else you want to check for? I think the Texas fan needs the experience of paying $10 more and getting half as much for his money at the bar. We'll pay our coach $30 million. They feel right at home because everybody's sitting down here. We've got both Orlando football teams. We've got the Apollando football teams. We got the Apollo's in the front.

We got the Citronauts in the back. Holler. Is the Arena League team done? Jay Gruden's greatest? Y'all think I didn't know that Orlando Arena. No, I used to go to those Tampa Bay games. That was great. It was the only sports event I've ever seen somebody overdose in the stadium.

Because, you know, like I'm in high school, and you're like, oh, this is so awesome. The guy passed out because he was partying too hard, and the EMT will look up at you and be like, welcome to life this dude just Odeed go storm I guess I've told my storm story before right so I've only made a one Tampa Bay storm game ever

and it was after it was maybe like three years after September 11th I promise that's relevant so we go to the game and before the game starts before the national anthem as well they're like and now for a moment of silence and you're like, okay, we're probably doing

something related to patriotism, the troops, 9-11, whatever. And then they say, you've just witnessed the quiet before the storm. It's fucking great. That was the same arena, by the way, that they didn't have a sign

that said no guns or firearms. They just had the read us. They just had a sign that had gun with no. know around it. I was hoping you were going to say they had a sign that said few guns or firearms, please. We have a North Florida native. We wanted to go ahead and pay tribute because this is our first time in Jacksonville for the podcast.

However, some of us are either residents, veterans, or survivors of the area. Made us stronger. Made us thrive. Made us want to open a vape shop in a strip mall next to the massage parlor next to the ping pongs. where we're having this podcast. Richard, you are Elatchel County Native? 24 years, born and bred,

made it out with all my limbs. And I believe you have the misfortune of being, you have the blessing of being a Florida Gator fan, so to balance that out, you have, for some reason, decided to root for a Godforsaken NFL franchise called... Jaguars. Go Jags. Go, Jags.

real quick, can I get a do-vo? My people, my people, it is good to be home. How is good to be home? How the fuck did y'all get an NFL team? Like everything else, some insurance fraud. It's Florida. We wanted to go ahead and do a little salute to North Florida here to open things up.

I have a couple of things that, you know, facts about North Florida and about the Jacksonville area. This has been inhabited for thousands of years. Apparently nobody learns a lesson ever because this just keeps happening. The local economy, it's diverse, if you don't know. It's based mostly on vape shops, massage parlors. One of these is actually true. Fronts for video game poker,

which is true here. I like to the locals like, yeah. Yeah, it's the only way to make any money. I like to think the Spanish, like, weren't first here. I like to think, like, the Dutch or the British got here and they felt the humidity off the boat and they're like, fuck this. Are you kidding me?

We're going back to the Netherlands. It's so humid that the naval base here specializes in subs. They don't even want to be out in the open air. We'll be down here. I think that's also Publix's influence. Let's give it up for Publix. Significant cultural accomplishments include,

let's see, Pat Boone, then 40 years later, Limp Biscuit. And then after Limp Biscuit, Pat Boone made a Limp Biscuit album that happened? Yeah, I think you did Roland. It's actually pretty hot. There's a rap scene here, but it was like all the same band just under different names. There was like the 69 boys. Shouts out to the 69 boys.

The Quad City DJs who were basically like the same band with a couple of different dancers. And then that's it. Nobody else has ever come from Jacksonville, Florida. Hold on you're going to put some respect on a little Duval's name. That's what you're. going to. You are now home of the second most important wrestling franchise in the United States.

AEW, baby! That's right. Second. Second? Second? I'm going to say that here in Duval County. You're going to have to deal with Vince McMahon has me bought and sold, y'all. Okay. Okay. Until I'm free of that contract. Corporate Spencer.

Yeah. It is also home of the St. John's River, which is the only river in North America in the United States at least that flows, I believe, south to north because it's got warrants. Oh, that's not the real reason. That's not the real reason. That's not the real reason.

This is like volleyball? What could be that reason? Can anybody in here tell me why the St. John's River flows north? You damn right. Go Gators. Does everybody quickly close your eyes and picture Spencer playing volleyball? This is the man who refuses to play basketball, so that's a league. You ever seen that giff of a bear playing tetherball?

It looks exactly like that. More importantly, you are home to a collection of some of the finest floor to man stories of which I have collected a few. All of these are true. All of these are absolutely true. They were on the internet. They cannot be false. All right. This is a place where during Dorian, a man parked a smart car in his kitchen to keep it from blowing away.

Honestly, that was a pretty good idea. I'm not going to like me. A fucking picture. Spencer, I think that sounds smart, in fact. They don't let you buy the car if you're dumb, right? It's not called the dumb car. It's the home of Lane Pittman, who also during Dorian, if you've seen a giff of a guy head banging into a hurricane,

that's Jacksonville. Congratulations, Duval County. A man here was arrested for chasing people around a grocery store during a beer run with a live alligator. There's an extended video of this that is so long it actually gets boring. Like, this bit's gone on too long. October 2018, this was just this, like last year, Parool Patel owns a place on the south side, had to post a sign because a customer he was yelling at said, hey, if you don't want me doing this, why don't you put a sign on the microwave man, because it doesn't say I can't do this.

So that's why Parool Patel had to put a sign on the microwave that said, please stop microwaving your urine in my microwave. We got enough Florida people here. Why do you microwave urine? That's right. Drug tests. Amen. Go Gators. Who among us?

I like that. Some part of your brain was like, don't say it. Don't say drug tests. You don't have to. Be better. No. This is our current ranking Floridian right now. You're a king of Florida.

Please collect your crown this backwards fitted. It's shoplifted. Still got like the shoplifting tag on it with the age, right? That's how you know I'm a real team. September 2018, a Florida man was arrested because he was challenging others to fight outside a chick-fil-A naked and daring people to stare at his genitals.

Was it Sunday? No. They don't serve on Sunday, but the naked man will. so to speak. I like to imagine that Chick-fil-A corporate was like, well, as long as he's just showing his genitals to ladies, it's okay. As long as they're not doing that Greco-Roman wrestling. Just put the cow hat on him.

Now it's advertising. Eat more dickin. That's a two-piece. a real job. 2017, a Jacksonville man crashes an SUV at high speed into a home, is ejected from it, and lands on the couch inside the house safely. 2017 also, Cedric Jelks has a real bad day because he goes out, sits on his car seat to go and forgets he's left his handgun in there, the handgun shoots his dick.

Unfortunately, just to make this story twice as tragic, he goes to the hospital, this has to be reported as a gunshot wound, new thing in Florida, I guess. And unfortunately, he was a convicted felon. So you went back to jail and got shot in the dick on the same day. At least he hit his target. So that's the 2017 Florida Gator season, really, in a nutshell. It's all right there.

And then in May 2019 of my favorite Grand Theft Auto Mission slash Florida Man story, a guy stole a truck full of caskets in Jacksonville and led police on a 29-mile chase on the interstate never breaking the speed limit though that's in the article the cops are like yeah man he's a great driver a little erratic

you know thing full of caskets because he respected the dead if not the living and that is your survey of North Florida history but I believe Richard has an add-on here for his glorious hometown of Gainesville, Florida yeah I'm throwing back a couple ones If you don't know, this is Gainesville's 150th anniversary. Apparently, no one's really sure why it's named after Edmund P. Gaines, like, officially.

Just, this guy's got a bunch of Gainesville's named after him. There's one in Texas. There's one in, like, Virginia or whatever. He was some, I think, a Confederate general or some shit. Well, there's your answer. Do not let anybody ever tell you Florida's not the South. Gainesville exists, or excuse me, the University of the United States. of Florida exists primarily because of its location.

Gainesville basically won out over Lake City because they had land and water. So, I don't know. That's like the starting SimCity map approach to picking a flagship university.

And also, if you start, you know, your city, if you start a city near a lake in Sim City, it's called Lake City. It's also, the history of the school is kind of built on a lie because the Gainesville campus didn't show up, until like 1906, but they claim that it was established in 1853.

I think it's only appropriate that Gainesville itself has a fake ID. Yeah. How old are you? 150? Mine was cracked, and had scotch tape. Shout out Ronnie Francois. It still worked at balls. It still worked at salty.

That's all that matter. Florida has, every state really, but every state has two statues in the United States Capitol. The first one that Florida has is John Gorey, who lived out in Appalachicola near Tallahassee, and invented air conditioning, basically. Which is what Florida, it's basically Florida admitting that the place is wholly unlivable,

and the person who made it livable is truly our king. The second person is Mary McLeod Bethune, who was an educator, and one of the namesakes, Bethune Cookman, College in Daytona. She replaced Kirby Smith, who was a Confederate. Probably shouldn't name your kid Kirby. Are you saying it wouldn't be smart?

I'm just saying it seems... I was getting to that. I was getting to that. But, no, Jackson, well, you're not immune either because there's a middle school here, name for him too, all right? So he's all over the place, all right? Nobody's immune here. But in the most Florida-Georgia way possible,

I want to tell you that the real... battle is not tomorrow at All-Tel Stadium. The real battle is on Thursday. It's All-Tel Stadium, but never changed. The real battle is over... I like that the stadium was named after like a sketch, the sketchy wireless.

It was named after the sketchy wireless. Like, like, the friend who had a cell phone you're like, with who? Why? The Jacks play at like, Boost Mobile feeling. Berner, my wife, doesn't know about field and stadium. The real battle

will be waged between Florida and Georgia on Thursday when the 30-year running water rights lawsuit between the two states will again be adjudicated, or at least we would try to adjudicate it. It's gone all the way to Supreme Court before and was kicked back.

And let me note for the record that the Supreme Court case is Florida v. Georgia, because that is the name of the damn game. I think, Richard, I think the name of the Supreme Court case is the cocktail party. No, no, no, we changed it. It's untitled Gooch Game. As if you didn't have enough North Florida facts, Ryan Nanny, please. I'm going to make everybody feel really bad now.

Oh, what else is now? What a different experience for us. So you're all, you've probably heard me talk on this podcast before about Splendid China. The theme park that existed for a brief while in the 90s in Orlando that was kind of shadow funded by the

Chinese government, had a bunch of replicas of Chinese monuments and things like that. But we're not talking about splendid China today. We're going to talk about New Vietnam. New Vietnam was a real idea of Reverend Carl

McIntyre, a fundamentalist who'd previously looked into building a full-scale version of the Temple of Jerusalem in Cape Canaveral. Naturally. Which they basically ended up doing. Well, he pivoted to this instead. There's a whole episode of this other podcast Under Understood, if you want to hear like everything about this. But in 1975, the plan the Reverend had was this.

Build a tourist attraction that has a Vietnamese village and a special forces camp. Now, you're probably wondering. Who will play the part of the Vietnamese villagers? Great news. The 50 Vietnamese refugees McIntyre was sponsoring. I told you were going to feel bad about it. According to Giles Pace, the dude who was in charge of theoretically constructing this,

this is a real quote. The purpose is to orient the Vietnamese to the free enterprise system and keep them off welfare. This idea was so bad that even 70s Floridians were like, nope, you cannot do this. This is beyond the pale. And so I'm happy to report North Florida.

New Vietnam never opened its doors, not for a single goddamn day. You get it, North Florida? Yeah. Well, now I'm horrified. That's great. You're welcome. Thanks. I just, I went looking for defunct theme parks

and new Vietnam was there and you don't not click that link. Oh, they changed the formula, click. So this being a football podcast, naturally we've spent the last 20 minutes discussing football. I thought we would go ahead and move on to our favorite concept, one of which the man to my left here is the Guardian and the sole provider for the concept.

It's not a child. It is. No, it's a man, walking about, free, for everyone to admire his beauty, the concept of Blood Week. I think it's like some kind of like an ancient spectral being, right? Yeah. If it has a corporeal form.

So we thought it would be fun to do sort of a Halloween-themed Blood Week, because like those two things go together pretty obviously, right? And, you know, if you're looking for, to explain the concept a little bit, it's a week in college football in which everything goes all to shit. The rankings suddenly mean nothing. The bad team beats the good team. So speaking of Halloween, football games that are usually played on or around Halloween, entirely coincidentally, we found two years in which catastrophe struck the top of the rankings,

and it just so happened to coincide. with Florida, Georgia, Georgia, Florida. Two of the various names of this game. Let's go back to, let's recall the year 2002. Put on your fat pants, right? Very largest pants. I had a terrible haircut this year. Just the worst, like, didn't paint a picture?

No, I was too lazy for that, but I definitely had a butt cut. Okay. Yeah. That's a long time for one of the first. a butt cut. What is that? You parted in the middle, and it looks like a little butt sitting on top of your head? Yeah. That's a long time to hang on to one of those.

Yeah, thanks. 2002 is the year, by the way, in America when everybody was like, who do we want to dress like? Guys from Sacramento who work at the sunglass hut. Yeah. Everybody just for that. God, that is so niche. Yeah.

Holy hell. So 2002, we roll into a week. What would this have been 10 or whatever? That content is on its way. So, number three, Virginia Tech. At home to under-rank. What a concept. Number three, Virginia Tech.

Number three, Virginia Tech. Who is Virginia Tech playing in this game? Pitt, of course. Shut up. This was the game that created the Pitt's super weapon. because Pitt had been, you know, nothing particularly special for, oh, about 22 years, and here comes an unranked pit

taking on a number three Virginia Tech. This also creates the legend of Larry Fitzgerald because Larry Fitzgerald is the man who basically beat Virginia Tech this year and then did the exact same thing to a higher-ranked Virginia Tech again the next year. We have this game to thank for so many things that continued to pay off for us decades later because Larry Fitzgerald...

The Virginia Tech fan is muttering back here. He can fight the Pitt fan in the back corner. Y'all say you're so smart, it's just one guy I cover him. They ain't thrown to nobody else. So since there's a lot of humanity in between me and the Hokie, I'm going to add this. Virginia Tech was four scores away from a pretty decent BCS title game argument this year. would have needed some help elsewhere. Instead,

ended up in the Diamond Walnut Bowl. Anybody remember this? The Diamond Walnut Bowl? San Francisco. It's had a lot of names, and that was the best one. I love how the New Mexico Bowl got stripped of that name just the other day. Hashtag Banner Society, New Mexico Bowl? And people were like, people were like, oh, it's a grift.

You can't create a company and sponsor a bowl game? Like, that's all they've been doing for the last 40 years. Diamond Walnut is like the most prestigious company that has ever sponsored this bowl game. Right now, it's named after boxes at Kroger that have DVDs in them. Is this the giant baseball stadium bowl game? Where is this game?

Or where was this game? This is like the Foster's Farm type. It's not the Fight Hunger Bowl, but it's like of that... It's the Pac-12 championships undercar. It was played for a minute in the baseball stadium, but now it's a Silicon Valley Bowl, so it's played in the cloud. I love how we had to parse that. Sim to finish.

So here's your Jacksonville connection, by the way, is Virginia Tech's two previous bowl games had been in Jacksonville, where they went one-and-one, failed to harness the power of the Gator Bowl. Pitt, meanwhile, its last moment of glory in Spencer's lifetime was in 1980, when Pitt finished number two in the country

by winning the game. Bader Bowl in Jacksonville, Florida. Pitt's last actual moment of lasting glory. Was Dan Marino the quarterback in that game? I'm going to say yes. Which means his career both was born and died in that stadium.

No, Jags. It's a tragic thing to do to that stadium. My mother shouldn't have to bury your son. This next team that suffered a misfortune in Halloween Week 2002. This is always a popular one. Do we have any Notre Dame fans in here? I hope not.

All right. Wow. Hey, hey. Jesus. He was smart enough to wear a soccer jersey. Be nice. All right? The man getting booed is literally wearing American colors. This is, by the way, going to be a good podcast for you

because in both of the blood weeks we're going to discuss tonight, Notre Dame comes out like a boss. It means me, but they do. That's how you know we're discussing history. This is Florida. He doesn't really. The Georgia fan did point out that cops do have to announce themselves as such. That's in the Constitution.

By the way, in the Water Wars, I just saw like Georgia fans pointing firearms at the water, right? Like, don't go nowhere. If we can't have it. I need you for boiling my peanuts. Number four, Notre Dame. Imagine that.

Ty Willingham's debut season was advertised prominently as Notre Dame's capital letters returned to glory. They wrote a goddamn book about it. Before the season! Before the season! The fans wore shirts all season long that said return to glory. Wait, who wrote the book?

Who is Notre Dame's John Bacon? That's a great question. I don't know the answer. But before John Bacon was doing this at mission, every goddamn Notre Dame coach got a book that was like he saved us from the war and it didn't matter how shitty they were Alan Grant is the name of the author per Spencer's research just now yes and this failed so badly the scientists from Jurassic Park the expert on dead old things wrote about Notre Dame a lot and then concluded they should

stay dead? A Notre Dame fan threatening children with evisceration because they won't shut up? Literally a movie about waking echoes. Look, it's a Ron Powellist. So these fans are wearing these green return to glory shirts to every

game. And eventually Ty Willingham decides, hey, let's wear green too. That's a thing we do for big special games. Yeah, green for golf. Green for golf. We're going to wear golf colors for this game. to foreshadow my own destiny, my Ty Willingham's own destiny, as a golf coach.

That happened. So, yeah. Oh, yeah, he was a golf coach at Stanford? Yeah, Ty Willingham was a golf coach. He went back to, or he had to recuse himself from the playoff committee because he was a golf coach at Stanford. Turns out he was also a golf coach at Washington and at New York. Who would sometimes loiter in the football officer.

If he coached a Pac-12 team, he won't ever have to use. If he coached a Pac-12 team, he won't ever have to use that recusal during a playoff to that event, so. That's right. Very true. Do we have any Pac-12 fans here? No. Undercover Pac-12 fan.

Let the record show someone announced no. And I believe that person. There were no objections. There were no. I like thinking about the alternate universe where the Oklahoma fan has to say, yes. Yeah. That almost happened.

So Notre Dame comes out in green. signifies this as a very special, very big Notre Dame game that NBC is just going to, you know, expletives itself over. Boston College, Tom O'Brien. I hate when Notre Dame does this thing. They're like, hey, watch this. It's going to be cool. And then everybody does, it's like, oh, you're going to break your tailbone again. Yeah, there you go. Yep. Just fell right on your fucking ass, didn't you? Y'all may be a new college high. So Boston College head coach Tom Bryant, Tom O'Brien, takes a look at these green jerseys

and says, quote, the players took it as a great sign of respect that we, Boston College, were somebody to be reckoned with. Boston College was four and three at that point in the season. So to make a long story short about how these green jerseys went, this was one of Notre Dame's five straight losses while wearing their special green jerseys. Georgia fans, you better nod. You've seen what happens.

That streak includes Jacksonville Connection, a 19, $19.99 loss in the Gator Bowl. A bowl that has given us many things, including a Notre Dame loss. Who is in the back given the Gator Bowl facts? Someone, like, knows my man. My man is up on the Gator Bowl. Do you work for the Gator Bowl? You should.

Tax slayer. Are you the tax slayer? You have to tell us if you're the tax slayer. Hail to thee, tax slayer. Long have I. waited to confront you. It is all I want. You will taste the steel of my taxes.

Game of Thrones, but Jamie Lannister is the taxler. Yeah. My favorite note on this is that how did that season end, it ended in a loss to NC State? Correct? It did. Yeah. Philip Rivers, right? In what town?

Jacksonville. See, the naval of the universe, the center of all that is. Jackson That's not what a navel is. Why do they have a navel base? Do you think your body began at your navel and grew out from there? Well, how did yours start, do you? You don't remember either.

Y'all, do we need to call Mr. D.N.A. Owned. Got his ass. He thinks he's so smart. A tuxedo. Oh, yeah, this is the part where we should tell everybody not in this room that I am wearing a tuxedo shirt and jacket and running shorts because I made a joke about it being Jacksonville formal on this podcast weeks ago. And I'm not wearing shorts. They don't look good on me and I have the courage to admit that. They are booing you.

They are boeing you for umbrose. They are boeing you for not wearing jorts. They are umbrose. They are umbrose. Nice cabs. Thank you. Shout out to Ryan's caps. Speaking of NC State, any NC State fans here tonight?

We were in Charlotte like three weeks ago, and we had about two NC State fans in it. To their credit, they wore every NC State thing they had. To give additional credit. Also, they brought us beer with NC State logos on it. That's true. Also, they outnumbered the Duke fan. Old Tuffy.

Old Tuffy, yeah. They're cool. One NC State fan is worth a number of others. To be fair, you don't just get one or two NC State fans. were lone wolves, usually you get a whole pack. Yeah. So it's either one or two of them or a hundred. Just like Phillip Rivers, you get a whole pack.

You get a whole pack. So that's where he got the idea. During this week of carnage and mayhem atop the rankings, here's a wild fucking stat. NC State was ranked number 10. Y'all believe that? Says so right here.

So they're at home. They are facing an unranked Georgia Tech. 9 and O NC State was only number 10. It's like everyone sort of had a good idea of what was about to happen. It's a little bit of a dubious zero because it quickly became a three. Three straight loss to middling ACC teams.

After the game, here is a Chuck Amato quote. I have big tits. Chuck Amato announced he had big tits, according to a journalist in the front of the room here. Prove that he didn't. Chuck Amato said, There's an old saying I learned I'm not doing his voice

and then there's also a sub voice but I want to see if anyone here wants to take this on all right Chuck Amato there's an old saying I learned from coach Lou Holtz what are we going to do now now is the time we've got to stick together

does anyone dare to do Chuck Amato doing a Lou Holtzzi? Ryan! Ryan! Please don't. No. Spencer, Spencer, do it. Ryan, it's basically Brady Hoke.

No! It's Brady Hoke with like with, like, lozenges. Yeah, no, it's too complicated. Brady Hoke using one of those old chest expanders, right? I'll fly too close to the sun. I can't do it. Never figured you for a quitter, Icarus.

Isn't the point that he should have been? Icarus is NC State, though, because there's always four losses at the game. They flew too close to the sunbowl. Elsewhere in the top ten on Halloween, number seven, Texas, almost lost to unranked Nebraska. I bring that up, only to note Nebraska soon fired its best coach of this millennium after he went nine and three, and they've since had more losing seasons than him. During this period, two of their three biggest wins have come in Jacksonville.

Finally. This is the part where I get to talk about number five, Georgia, losing to unranked Florida. I love how the Georgia fans kind of forgot from it. Like, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Surely they wouldn't do it. We really like that part about Notre Dame. Let's go back to that part.

This is the part where Charming Teenager Number Five, who meets Jason Vorhe. Jason, who made the national title game in this 2002 season? That would be Miami and a horrific Ohio State. How horrific? Well, garbage. Absolute trash. The worst national champ of this millennium and possibly the last as well, significantly outgained by five different teams,

almost lost to two others, got taken to overtime by a five and seven Illinois, and got gifted a BCS. title call at the end. Illinois was bad at the time. They were not good. They were not just great as they were. Thank you to our PBR resupplier. PBR, we drink a clause over here.

No laws. No laws in Jacksonville or with the clause. Wait. Is it bad that he said no laws and I thought he said go vals? Those usually go together. Those do go together very well. So one factor in Ohio State making this title game despite being absolute ass is a lack of undefeated teams.

Well, we would have had one, if not for... Rex Grossman and Ron Zuck! Yeah, baby. God, they cannot be used to hearing those noises after their names. The two greatest scholars of the time. Fuck off, Steve. I like this because if I woke you up in...

If you went into a coma at the end of 2001, I did. And I said, hey, answer this trivia question for a million dollars. Either Rex Grossman or Ron Zuck tried to fight a whole fraternity. Who was it? You would lose the million dollars every time. Anyway. No, no, this is improv.

You've got to say yes and. This Florida team had already lost at home to Miami by 20 fucking five points. I was there too. It sucked. In that game, Miami had 14 penalties for 131 yards, and Ken Dorsey threw three picks. But Rex Grossman went 19 of 45 for 191 yards. This Florida team also lost to a old miss that wound up going 6 and 6. They got beat at home by 29 points against LSU.

That game was 13-7 at the half, and then LSU scored 23 unanswered points. The Ron Zook era. It was super fun. And I'm glad it was most of my college experience. You got Zuck. I got Muschamp. Pain comes in different forms, and that's okay. It does.

The important thing is that when we go to urgent care, we point to nine on the scale. And Spencer was in the band during the 96th the Estabal? The spurrier years, though. the other spurrier years you guys are like year old I'm like I was alive for cool stuff and then all of a sudden the ice caps melted and we got Ron suck

Georgia at this point you had beaten Clemson and Bama it's not important how good Clemson and Bama were in 2002 just know that that was a thing you could say it also doesn't matter how close those games were it kind of does four of your eight wins were by one

score but whatever that probably means you're just really clutch and not that you're going to fuck this game up. In the second half of this game, Georgia did the following things. They punted from the Florida 47 on 4th and 7. They missed a 50-yard field goal.

They missed a 36-yard field goal. They punted from the Florida 49 on 4th and 15. That one I'll give you. They punted from the Florida 47 again on 4th and 6, and they threw an incomplete screen pass on 4th and 1.

From their own 42. From their own 42. This was Mark Rick's second year at Georgia. One of many times where it would be like, oh, we would have made the national title game except. But it ended with Florida winning, so fuck off forever. And that is how Jacksonville ruined the 2002 college football season. By enabling Ohio State. Wait, we got any of those?

But speaking of, Georgia nearly missing out in a national title shot, let's talk about 2012. But, with a twist, because we don't want to talk about that shit. We want to talk about what happened before that shit. We're going to leave it to a duo written in our notes as Richard Spencer. I'm sorry, we don't allow Duke fans at these shows. Me and him had a meeting the other day, And on the Vox Media calendar, I put Richard Spencer Talk.

My calendar is public. So some of you will get that joke. And the ones that get it will really get it. So you were talking Duke football that day. Oh, of course. Is it far enough into the show for me to make a Vox.com joke? Yeah, we probably run an ad by here, so yeah. You think they're listening to this?

No. No, no, no. Who wants to set it? Although it is time for an ad break for a show you'll never listen to you. Because we're going to start with everything leading up to this. Yes, yes. So for the 2012 Blood Week, which is Week 10-ish, Oregon State lost to unranked Washington. Please give us the ranking of Oregon State because it's bonkers.

Oregon State was number seven at the time. Number seven Oregon State. Lost to unranked Washington, 20 to 17. Wait, wait, let's pause there. Seventh ranked Oregon State. Yeah. This wasn't even 2007. I feel confident the answer to this will be yes based on the room.

Did anybody have a friend who in 2004 or five, you're like, wow, they've made a lot of money from online poker. And now you're like, I don't know where they are anymore. That's Oregon State used to being ranked number seven. For the 2012 Blood Weeks, I will be doing the greatest drafted Jaguar from either school. Washington, I'm kind of fudging here, but Washington gave us Mark Brunel, who wasn't technically drafted, but was traded

for draft picks on draft day. So, whatever, it counts. I like this because I like the Chargers like retiring Eli's number. Well, we did technically. We submitted the card. Those are all Super Bowls. I told you this to be a real good podcast for you, right? I'm looking here at our Notre Dame fan

who bravely identified himself. There's probably like three other Notre Dame fans here, but they're busy changing jerseys. Cowards. My Duke jersey. No, my Yankees jersey. No, my Duke jersey. No, my Yankees jersey.

Number eight, Oklahoma. I'm sorry, sooner fans. It's going to be an ugly memory. But we all got them. You get Blake Bell the Bell dozer, my favorite goal-line quarterback of all time, right? Tebow's like seventh, man. There's like way better giant, like, fools

that you can push toward the line. Blake Bell was like way up there. unfortunately he didn't really sort of get things going until the third quarter in this game and this was the wasn't this the point where oklahoma like never lost at home yeah no this was this was the yeah and this was when uh landry jones um you ever seen landry jones run a 40 in the combine kind of looks like me running a 40 in the combine he's going to say neither is anybody at the combine yeah he still hasn't finished he'll get across the line one day uh Oklahoma had 15 yards rushing against Notre Dame uh and they lost in norman

30 to 13 when OU was favored by 11 and a half Yeah, an annihilation By the best part when you go like Yeah, you're like, was this OU just being real off that year, Notre Dame being real great? Like that headline of the story is like Evergolson passes for an electrifying

177 yards And you go, maybe that Alabama Notre Dame game makes more sense than I remembered, you know? There is a jag in there though. There is. drafted Jaguar is, of course, D.D. Westbrook. Number 12 in your programs, number two on the depth chart in your hearts behind DJ Shark. It wouldn't be a blood week without a bizarre USC loss. That would be number 10 USC on the road. Remember USC if they're at home, man, it's going to be

golden. If they go to the state of Arizona, just ask them to leave their ID, will, important documents at home with you so you can be the executor to their state because they're about to die. Arizona State was where Lane Kiffin was lost before being left at the airport in L.A. One day, I promise, with God is my witness, I will have a brass plaque and stick it on the wall at L.A.X. Where he was undoubtedly picking up a lift because his wife wasn't going to come get him. Not after that. Greatest... Tell us a football story.

We'll get to Q&A. Calm down. We won't tell it, but we'll get to Q&A. We won't tell it, but we'll get to Q&A. But they lost, in 2012, they lost to an unranked Arizona, which Unranked Arizona, great variety store in Tucson. Preseason number one. Unranked Arizona. Preseason number one, USC. Is Nick Foles on that team? In a losing effort? No. In a winning effort, yes.

Okay. Exactly. I believe this may also be a gronk team, but don't quote me on that because I can't test this score for various like that. 39, 36, Arizona manages to defeat USC. Who's our JAG? Our JAG is Marquis-Sleet. Matt Barkley threw for 493 yards in this game he threw 345 of them

to Mark Eastley get well soon my man please come back we spent a lot of money on you holy shit this next one is my favorite because it involves Rutgers the mother of football itself which is how you know football has a terrible relationship with its family

Rutgers at this time was 18 Reflect on that for a moment, that Rutgers was 18. If you say, my football program has no hope. If you just rewind Rutgers, it's very inspiring, right? Because at one point, yeah, at one point they were 18. This is the Kyle Flood era. They lose to an unranked Kent State, 3523. My favorite part about this game is that if you check,

you go, well, man, how'd you end up losing to Kent State? Do you have a few turnovers? How about seven? They had seven turnovers. You go, well, surely those were distributed around. For instance, the legend Jeff Driscoll, always salting and peppering away, balancing the turnovers, right? A fumble here, an interception there, right? Perhaps putting the football in a true master chef.

Yeah, perhaps giving the football to a courier who then ran out of the stadium and delivered it to a country several thousand miles away. That's what Jeff Driscoll did. Nope, Rutgers did not diversify their turnovers. Gary Nova, the quarterback, threw six I&Ts that day to Kent State. assemble people and people listening at home, I can't think of a more sublime achievement in the history of football than throwing six interceptions to Kent State.

Meanwhile, he had to do this while listening to thousands, we'll say, of New Jersey people screaming, Gary. Gary! Gary! This was when Gary Nova went Supernova. Then we have number 20. We do have a jag. Have any Rutgers players ever been drafted by anyone besides Bill Belichick?

The funny thing is this one ended up playing for the Patriots, I'm pretty sure. Tyquan Underwood played for Rutgers. I believe he ended up playing for the Patriots. Everyone ends up playing for the Patriots. It just happens. Number 20, Michigan lost to unranked Nebraska. Again, that's a great variety store name. Unranked Nebraska.

23-9, this is when Gennar Robinson, they lose him to injury in the late first half, and they only have 188 yards of offense the entire day. Unrank Nebraska sounds like the brand below great value. What kind of soda

did you get? Unrank Nebraska. It was free. Did you find canned meat on the shelf at Big Lots? Yeah. It's unranked Nebraska. It's like not even

cola flavor. She's brown. Give me that red flavor. unranking. What do you mean? It's brown sprite. That doesn't make sense. I love that future tape. Oh, man, we do have a JAG in this game, though. Besides Donard Robinson. Greatest drafted JAG would have to be Maurice Williams, stalwart tackle from Michigan for like eight years or something.

That's our drafted JAG. Honorable mentioned Tanner Lee, who could have been a quarterback at Georgia, because if you take his name and reverse it, Lee Tanner also makes sense, right? And could be an accounting firm or legal service. I was going to say, that sounds like a presidential assassin. Do we know his middle name? That's the last time you wrong, Tanner Lee, President McKinley. You got to add another Lee on the end, Tanner Lee. Oh, wait, Lee Tanner Lee.

His middle name is Randy. You just know that. I don't even have to look it up. It's Randy. And then the last one, number 25, Wisconsin loses at home to Michigan State. Anybody watch this game? Good. Good.

This is a horrible game. It was like the worst of both teams and the worst of all Big Ten football. The Michigan State... My favorite bullet point from our show, Doc, here. I'll read it verbatim. 10-10 going into OT, ugh. Also, let's note that in the notes that I assume Spencer wrote, that is not the first ugh in this section.

With seven H's at the end. Michigan State won. They had just 216 yards of total offense. That's where the first, uh, goes. Wisconsin had just, 19 yards rushing. So if you did watch this, erase it from your brain. Put something else there. Okay?

Go watch videos of like dogs being hit in traffic instead of watching this game. Turn around and watch Yukon. Yeah, turn around and watch Yukon Navy. No, seriously, y'all look at Randy Edsel's glasses. Navy's up. You've got these fucking transit. Also, Navy's up 1410.

I hope there are enough of us here. I hope there are enough of us here watching this that this fucks with the ratings for the game, and they're like, I guess we have to put Yukon on more? Yukon's huge in Jacksonville for some reason. They just doubled in viewership. We renamed, this is the world's largest

accidental Yukon watch party. Randy Edsel gets like a $500 bonus in his contract for this. Oh, no. It's like that in an IKEA gift card. I don't know. It's a weird contract. For beers sold in Jacksonville. It's in there.

His contract is 8,000 pages long. It's thorough. He's the only coach that I expect to, like, turn around and I look on the sideline, he's got the beer cart in front of him, selling in the stands, right? Like, got to hustle. Hot dogs. There's no telling when this thing's going to fold. Do we have a, do we have

a JAG in this game? We do, Brian DeMarco, the third player the drafted, Jesus, the third player the Jaguars ever drafted. The third JAG. That's our drafted JAG. The third JAG in the fire. Some of these had to deal. Wait, does that include the expansion

draft or is that in the rookie draft? That would be the rookie draft. Okay. Okay, and And that's all we need to talk about in 2012. Yeah, when nothing else. Nice try. Jesus Christ. Blood must flow. So Georgia.

Calm down, amen, corner. Spencer was at this game, by the way. With you, yeah. We sat in the Georgia section. Oh, it wasn't a pick, big guy. It wasn't a pick. I remember it so vividly. Number three, Florida.

Number three, Florida at the time. Remember, Underwill Must champ, Florida was somehow. the third-ranked team in this nation. Is this the year where you and I separately were watching them lose the Sugar Bowl, and we just decided to start DMing each other, like Lil Wayne videos and shit? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It was better than watching the game. Yeah. Yeah. Both this game and that Sugar Bowl are the last times probably I've ever been close enough to physically fighting somebody. Cool. One of them was on Bourbon Street involving a horse cop. The other one was on the way out of this stadium.

Involving, involving such an interesting word there. So if I'm telling the story, I'm telling the story. So we're on Bourbon Street. This is probably not New Year's Eve, probably the first. And I'm having a productive discussion. So this is how you're starting your year. Yeah, this is, the game was on like the third or something. So Mark Sule is in the back here and was here during

this. We're on Bourbon Street. I'm having a productive discussion with a bunch of Louisville fans. Great times. At one point, everybody kind of like stops and everybody's looking at me but not like at me. They're looking above me. And I like turn around and there's

a horse. Horse cop. I'm talking about right here. Like real cool. Podcasting is a visual medium. This horse is right there. One of my friends tiny girl runs behind the horse smacks it in the ass. Yeah, if we're playing along at home, that is assault on a police officer,

and she spent the night in the New Orleans drunk tank. Go gators. Go gators. So, speaking of messing with animals that you don't understand. Number three, Florida, lining up against number 12, Georgia. Yeah. Someone said Jarvis Jones. That's the answer.

I was sitting in the end zone he fumbled into. Did he run right at you? God! Was this the end zone that I think everyone who's at this game sort of independently noticed that there was an end zone

that was populated by birds for the entire game? I was on the other side. That was on the other side. I was covering this game for Sports Illustrated and it made it into the game recap. So you can go Google this,

but for about an hour a third of the stadium is watching these birds. No one's bothering them in the end No, it was like, it was 20 minutes of real time. Yeah. At one point there was one point there was one point there was one that was kind of hanging out around the half yard line

and it would trot a little bit and get closer to the end zone. And the whole press box just like erupts in tears. The press box in the end zone fans were like, go, Bird! Go! And it finally crossed over and it got its little sarcastic applause, right? Someone please go anywhere. Before this game, we didn't note at the time, but the three of us were within very close proximity.

They were shooting a video for the precursor to this show. I was in the bed of a truck with my buddy Mark in the back there, ruining the suspension by jumping up and down. They were interviewing some drunk people around it, world's largest outdoor cocktail party indeed. So, also, this is the second time that year we had nearly encountered Richard because the first would have been at SEC Media Days when he walked up very professional

in the sports most controlled environment to say, Hello, pleased to meet you. I am a professional journalist and very serious business. I'm also a senior in college and need a job. Several months later, we're ruining trucks together in Jacksonville. Yeah, Florida is a fine institution, is what we're saying. This game is six turnovers. That's it.

Florida turns a ball over six times. Jarvis Jones has something to do with that. So does Jeff Driscoll, because he fumbled three times, including two times on the first three plays of the game, losing one of those through two interceptions. one of the fumbles is he's leading everybody into the end zone for a potential game tying two point or touchdown which we will need a potential game tying two point conversion but we didn't get that because jarvis jones forces another fumble we lose that and we end up losing

179 um fuck this is also so i'm still so tight about that game i got to add it coded to this one because i forgot and one of the victims is here tonight this is also the cheer wine sangria game oh no that's no that's one that one's earlier what it That's the 2010 one. No, it was, because here's the guy I made pupe. Yeah. No, no. The only other note I have on this is that I get to introduce maybe, like, my favorite

gator of all time, or at least tied for my favorite gator of all time as the honorary jag. And also that, I'm going to have to look this up. I'm pretty sure somebody either almost drowned or actually died in the retention pond outside the game, which is pretty much how this entire thing went. So let's just go ahead and ask Richard, who's the greatest jag associated with this game? Fred Taylor, baby. Go Gators. For the Georgia fans in the room,

Marcus Stroud was the honorable mention. Honorable mention, not Fred Taylor. Not Fred Taylor, because when Fred Taylor was an undergrad, my favorite thing, Fred Taylor, one, I already walked around with two enormous ice packs on his knees, and two, I remember reading in The Alligator, like Fred was like 20 at the time. And he goes, yeah, you know, I just had a kid,

and, like, you know, settling down at 20s really slowed down my play of lifestyle. And I'm like, I'm like. same yeah same same man the um the jaguar's released their like all 25 year

team or whatever and Taylor was second behind Tony Bicely and it's like so pissed about it like on Instagram like they shorted me like da da da da da like really mad about it

this is a Fred Taylor household and that'll do it for our analysis of Blood Week of Blood Week both 2012. So these are two years in Halloween in which Florida and Georgia cost each other national title shots

this millennium. Because if you recall, 2012, Florida would have won the SEC East, possibly would have won the SEC. No. No! No! No!

No way. Georgia almost did. Do you have a rebuttal to that, sir? You're telling, okay, so you're telling me Will Mustchamp would have faced Nick Sabin in the SEC Championship game and said, check me! Georgia almost did.

If Georgia can do it, surely Florida can do it. Anyway, Florida wasted a chance to beat the shit out of Notre Dame. That's the real. Technically, Ohio State was the one who really wasted the chance to beat Notre Dame. Let's go back to Ohio State.

Instead of a national title game, Cho is a trip to... Jacksonville! Let's bring it all hunting. Bring it all home. By the way, Ohio State, who also lost a coach after he punched a player

in the face on national TV in what game? Jacksonville! So, like, we've said all of these sort of facetiously, like, ha-ha, sort of mean, funny things about Jacksonville. Y'all ended Woody Hay's career,

and for that, we thank you. We thank you. I like that we have... We have Redgers as the birthplace of college football, which is dubious and specious and all that, and they didn't accomplish anything after that. but Jacksonville is like the death place of college football.

This is where it just... The Ruckers thing makes more sense to me, though, because Spencer said Ruckers is the mother, but that's not what they say. They say they're the birthplace. What you do after you're... Like, they're the hospital. What you do after that, they're not taking credit for.

The hospital has nothing to do with, you know, what you didn't high school, college or as a grown up? If Ruggers is the mother of college football, Jacksonville is the deadbeat dad of college football. Went to Publix to get cigarettes and never came back. Shout out to going to Publix for cigarettes. Do you think Ohio... Do you think Ohio State even knows how to, like,

throw a retirement party for a coach at this point? Like, do you think if Ryan Day came to them and was like, hey, I've decided they'd be like, ah, shit, um, I think there's a cake, and fuck. I don't know. Normally, we just call the lawyers. We sort of go from there. We have a banner from like

1947. Fuck. All right, Ryan Day, I think you have to self-report this. I'm not sure. That just feels right. I think it's like Auburn. They should just give them a cyanide tooth right? Trust us, it's better this way. I think we're going to close this out. By the way,

we all have a Florida disaster from time to time. We like to talk about disasters on this show. These are non-football These are just non-football disasters. I'm going to start with one. I have a long resume. Mine is almost an actual disaster because I was on I-75 at about 2 a.m. one night

around the year 2003, and I was driving south, and we passed under the last exit before Bears Avenue, and I heard a really loud noise and thought, ha, that's weird. And I looked at somebody had thrown a cinder block off the overpass and had come within like three inches, Like that crossbar right across the top of the car, it hit that, and if it had gone like three inches this way, it would have landed right in my teeth.

So this is when, by the way, you know that this is bad when you get the adjuster to come out? Your teeth could have been worse. What car are you driving in this era? You can't catch me. What car are you driving right now? This is an Accura. An Acura? Yeah, it was like an accurate with like 100,000 miles on it, so they come out and they take a look at it.

And you know it's bad when a Florida insurance adjuster is like, you're telling the truth. Because I didn't even believe it at that point. I was like, I don't know, it might be a cinderblock. He's like, no, that's a fucking cinderblog. This qualifies as like a word problem on the Florida SAT math section. A shitty Acura is going 58 miles per hour. Yeah.

I also like that this required them to forensically test for cinderblock. I've found traces of cinderblock. I think if it's Florida, the adjuster just walks up, it's like, that's the real deal there, buddy. Oh, shit. You ain't lying. Richard, do you have a Florida disaster? I do.

My Florida disaster is actually a lawn disaster to overlap with the theme of the show. My childhood best friend is in this room. I did not tell her I'm going to tell this story, but I am. So we're probably like 10 or 11 years old. Her house right across the street from mine had like a, like, I don't even really know how to describe it, but it was a concrete slab that we called a deck when we were kids. And the rest of the yard kind of sloped. And then there was another bit of concrete that we kind of like had a basketball goal on. So we're standing on the

deck, so to speak. And for whatever reason, we're throwing rocks off it. I don't know why you do that, but you do that. Her younger brother is standing... Every Florida native in this room is like, none of that seems weird. Her younger brother... These are the same people who throw center blocks off the interstate, so... Her younger

brother is down yonder, probably around 50 yards, on the basketball goal slab, hanging out. I throw a rock. Guys, this fucking throw. Oh, it's perfect. It was a perfect throw. And it nails her younger brother on the forehead

from like 50 yards out her so like I was like a pretty I was like a pretty like goody two shoes kind of kid her mom tears out of the house like as mad as I had ever seen her at any of us for doing anything because we all thought that I gave

young Zach a concussion and her dad was like he's fine he'll be fine tomorrow don't worry about it and he was fine he's fine he's fine it's fine if dads were the triage unit at the emergency room like

three people would make it through that'd be it you got another arm it's fine right right you want to take the next one my most so the Florida disaster I'm going to choose took place after I had moved away

I was coming back to I think it was Pensacola for a friend's wedding and I was just out of law school so I had a lot of debt and not a lot of money so I was like I'm going to make smart fiscal choices and this is a story

about how I did and did not do that the smart fiscal choice I made was they got married there were two options where you could stay for this wedding one was you could stay at a hotel where they had blocked rooms or whatever and the other one was they had dorm rooms at the University

of West Florida that were like $25 for a night And I was like, how? How do you swing that? So I think the venue that, I think, if I remember correctly, the venue was on campus. It was like the campus ballroom or whatever. And they were like, if you want to do this, you can.

And I'm like, well, I'm single at the time. I'm not bringing anybody to do this. Clearly, I had no intention of meeting anybody at this one. So I'm like, I'm going to take that option. So that's me making a smart fiscal choice. But then I land in Pensacola, and I go to the rental car counter, and the woman there sees my license and is like, oh, you're from New York, starts chatting me up, whatever.

And she says, you know, it's going to be a beautiful weekend. Would you like to upgrade to a convertible? And I'm thinking, I saved all this money on the hotel, so yes. And she says, great, here are the keys to your PT cruiser. Wood panel, wood panel or not? Wood panel. Oh, yeah, baby. That's a sex wagon.

And let me tell you, there's a lot, when you're single and you're at a wedding, there's a lot of pressure to, like, maybe I'll meet somebody, maybe something will happen. When you are staying in a fucking dorm and you are driving a PT Cruiser convertible, the pressure is gone. Just have fun. No one's coming near your crotch. for the record nobody else at the wedding

took the dorm option I was the only one and I had to pay with a check I had to go to the RA and hand him a check that said I was not the only one in the dorm that weekend

there was also a 10 and under soccer team what is this fucking hold on what is this griff by West Florida. So they have these dorm rooms that are just sitting unused.

This was over the summer that this wedding happened. And they were just, I think it's just like a courtesy thing in theory where they're like, sure. Somebody's there. You got swindled. This is wrong.

That person in the building isn't real. He died 70 years ago. I have from it. I work there. We need the money. I supported local education. I did drive up to the strip club where the joint bachelor

bachelor bachelor's party before the wedding happened in my PT cruiser blaring you live, you learn by Alanis Morissette Did you? Did you learn? I have not saved it a dorm for a wedding since then. The accuracy. I know Holly's story, I think that you're going with for your disaster, so I'm going to get Jason to close it out.

or Jason, and then you'll close it out. I don't know if there's a close it out since everybody probably knows this one already. Go hit it then. Go ahead. You've all read my crossbow story, right? Has it been long enough? Are there people who haven't read the cross- Save it, save it, save it.

All right, all right, hang on. So, Jason. So, having spent less time in Florida than any of the people up here, at least, my disasters are not quite so disastrous, so I'll try and keep it. I thought about going at the time. I spent 10 years working at Publix

to build up a stock fund that was going to seed my retirement and then we bought a house in the year 2007 so there that went instead let's go with the time so as a kid our vacation choices were Florida which when you're from Atlanta Georgia

Florida is like that that is the fun place That is where you go to see, like, the ocean. Like, you know, all sorts of things you don't see. Or captured things from the ocean. Sure. Sure. It's like, you think of it as way better than it is. They should have just rebranded as ocean prison.

Oh, these whales did terrible things. Florida. We're not bad people. They're bad animals. Florida, you think it's way better than it is. That is deeply accurate. So, on one of these vacations, we were not rich when I was a kid, which, no shame

in that at all. Fortunately, now you're in digital media. Fortunately, now I work for this guy. So, now that, with total financial security forever, I feel free to look back on this and laugh. The time we were on vacation, deep in Florida,

probably destined. You know, if you know, you know, it's probably destined. And we were, things were a little tight. Are we going to make it back to Atlanta. It's hard to say. So we are at a... This is a very Oregon trail approach to vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there was some sort of an event where the prize was $50 for the kid around my age who could write the best essay about how to save the environment. All right? Which, I didn't know shit about the environment. Everything I knew about the environment I learned from SimCity. I didn't watch Captain Planet, that shit was lame. So, my dad, extremely Republican, right? At one point after I write, I turn in an extremely

half-ass essay. I think I remember enough to write something like totally smart-ass, like, stop picking my nose, and like, you know, just stupid kid shit. He looks at it, and he is extremely pissed that I did not put enough effort into saving the environment. This is the only time I've

ever seen my father care about the environment. Because he thought there's a chance who might get us back home. And that's how people become Floridians. It's that and I got a DUI and I'm 70 now. Hey.

Holly close us out with your Florida disaster. I was going to go with the time that I drank after shave on a band trip on a dare. But that's methyl alcohol. Don't do that. But apparently some of y'all haven't heard.

the crossbow story, which did not happen to me, but happened to a cousin of a former EDSBS contributor, and I just ended up writing the story. And so I get to tell it now, apparently. This is one of those Lakeland clans, like, out, but not that's like, that's, that's the story right there. Polk County, stand up, but not even Lakeland proper, like outside Lakeland. This family had bought up, y'all hush. This, this, this, this, there's a family. family had bought up a bunch of adjacent properties on a development and that were real cheap because they were abandoned phosphate mines, not all of which had been filled in. And some of the mines over time filled with water and they would do things like drop laundry machines, like old washers and dryers down to the bottoms to create habitats for fish. I see all these Florida people nodding around the room.

and it's called a reef yeah oh that's not dumping but do you know what is dumping paying off the city the city contractor who's supposed to haul away all of the debris from a burned down Albertsons to let them haul it away yourself so you could fill in the holes

on your property so one of the houses like and I'm going to quote the dad now this was back in the 70s when no one cared how much mayonnaise got into the water table but now they can't build on any of this land because it's full of Fri-on because they put freezer cases

down. Anyway, that's not even the disaster. The disaster is this cousin who I will call Oliver because that is his name. He didn't live here. It's all right. And Oliver, there's a species

of invasive carp that is the Asian carp that's non-native to Florida that is parasitic that, you know, kills off local fish and then strangles local ecosystems and whatnot and Oliver one afternoon

shirtless and wearing nothing but a pair of umbrose wandered outside and saw his brother's crossbow laying on the ground. Now you can bow hunt fish if you're not from Florida. I'll tell you can bow hunt fish. This is a thing

but if you're bowhunting a fish I want to say you want to pull like what a 10, 15 pound bow. This is a deer bow. This is a deer bow. this was a compound deer bow with I think a 45 pound pole and he's like well I'm going to try fish with this but you know I need a little something so he duct taped a child Snoopy fishing reel

I'm so happy that some of you have never heard this story he duct tape because it's not going where you think it is this is Hawkeye's origin story it would explain some things so he duct taped a child Snoopy fishing reel to the deer bow and wanders down barefoot in his umbrose this will come to bear to the edge of the phosphate pond to shoot at these carp that are right there now they're directly at his feet so he's having to pull the bow kind of vertical like so and he doesn't notice because it's such a

lard bow when his shorts start to get caught in the bow and if you know how yeah and if you know how compound bow's work you know that they just keep reeling yeah yeah the phrase that he used by the time he screamed

loud enough for his mom who thank God was a nurse to come running out of the house was my dick was on its deathbed that's the show title that's the show title I'm going to close there, but I wrote this story for Grantland

if you ever want to go back there. It's called Me to Florida Man. Anyway, my dick was on its deathbed, the Florida story. He's fine. He's fine, by the way. That usually gets more of a laugh, but you're all looking at me with recognition.

So, with that story, I want to thank you for listening to an epic tale of penis-related trauma. And I also want to thank you for... Oh, I forgot. He didn't go to the hospital because he was like, I don't want to tell the story, so he just went to bed. And in true Florida fashion, got out of bed after like three weeks, and he's fine. So thank you for listening to penis trauma.

Thank you for listening to all of our stories of Blood Week. Thank you for enjoying our tribute to North Florida, because we certainly enjoyed our trip to North Florida. this is Ryan, I'm Spencer, that's Jason, that's Richard, that's Holly. Thank everyone here at, what is the name of this place again. There's a wall right to your left. There's a wall to your left. It says the name.

Hey, smash. It's a banner. Go Gators. Yes, this is a bannersociety.com. They don't care now. And this is what a Florida English degree gets you. I Listen, I am Dory the Fish

I am getting from second to second I am just swimming, all right? I'm just going to keep swimming. But thanks everyone for being here and good night.