Shutdown Fullcast - Make Your Own Rivalry

Episode Date: September 7, 2019

Long ago, Colorado decided it was going to turn Nebraska into a rival. It took a while to work, but the Buffs pulled it off, so we're following their example and creating new potential rivalries of our own with your help. (Oh, we also wrote some of them down.) This episode is also about Spencer being a coastal elite with a sincere love for Italian sparkling wine, if any of that appeals to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast We went long You add a vowel to it each week Son We're from below the Mason Dixon line I have no I have no shortage of vowels to add to things

Two podcasts have a longer intro each week Bodega Boys and us Do you think there's a correlation Because they don't actually think it's longer each week respectfully, Jason. Do you think there's a correlation between how long the welcome is and how good the episode is and in what direction does it go? No. No. Yes. I think it reflects Spencer's degree of confidence. Yeah. Oh, that's not. That's never good news. No, no. Y'all are in trouble. I think it reflects how likely Spencer is to sing. That might be true. That might be true. I was going to

I was going to bust out a song, so you've already caught me on this. I was feeling, I'm feeling a little punchy tonight, so, yeah, some singing's going to happen. Why is tonight different from other nights, Papa? Tonight, Daddy got into the Italian sparkling wine. Again, why is tonight different from other nights? Daddy keeps this consistent, all right? Where is the most incongruent place you've had Prosecco or Kava? Regal cinemas.

There's nothing celebratory about anything. Is that true? Have you done that? Where haven't I had sparkling wine is a better question. I know, but like, is there somewhere you've done it in particular? Like, have you had it at a West Virginia tailgate? and if not can we fix that I have let's see

I think I have consumed Italian sparkling wine out of Laquinta Now I just feel bad for you I gotta be honest No no that was great It was a fine time Wait was this the Laquinta in Moscow No no no I believe this was one in Gainesville

Florida I had sparkling wine Oh the story gets better I consumed some Prosecco On Christmas Eve in the Lakinta in Gainesville, Florida, watching the Hawaii Bowl. This is second in holiday sadness only to the time you had Thanksgiving at Waterburger. Man, I hate Christmas. I hate it.

I can't see why. We're not doing this again. Holly tore us apart last time we did this. Deep burning passion. Hate Christmas. No, no, I, I, you know what? He's won me over. Spencer does hate Christmas, and he should because Christmas is for people who have someone they love.

So out here in the recording studio, I hung Christmas lights all around my back. It's great. You should try it. It'll, uh, it'll, it'll, it'll, it'll, it'll, I'll be a better able to endure Christmas this year after having, uh, lived with this. I'll just be, I'll just be used to it. You're building up your immunity. Yeah, I'm building up a tolerance for Christmas. Sure, right. You all remain the worst, but in different ways. If you own an Italian sparkling wine company and want to sponsor the full cast, like, we're right here. Yeah. Send it over. Send it over, friend. This will be, yeah, Ryan, this will be part of our nascent dirtbag wine mom empire. 100%. Yeah, like, like tired, micro- My other car is Chardonnay.

Tired, microbrewery. Wired, home champagne making. Step one, soda stream. West Virginia sparkling wine. Do all Italian citizenship. Step one, buy some grapes. Step three, go to a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the United States. Cool.

Tonight, tonight we do have... Speaking of extradition. Speaking of extradition. Speaking, you know, the ultimate, the ultimate punching up, I don't know, go with it. Tonight... The ultimate rivalry, I would say. The ultimate rivalry between... The ultimate home and home, extradition.

Yeah. it's a road game and a home game damn segue nailed it this is uh jason you have a fascinating concept for tonight's discussion of college football on this here the internet's only college football podcast so regardless of when you the reader are reading this podcast the original inspiration for this is the fact that colorado and nebraska are playing football in week two of 2019 of course this is a a a a minor low-key rivalry that has had its moments. None of these moments happened until Bill McCartney, a new head coach of Colorado Buffaloes in the early 1980s,

walked in the door, saw Nebraska with a 59-0-0 win over Colorado, and 14 straight wins over Colorado in various top 10 number one rankings and all that, and said, you know what, we, the lowly Colorado Buffalo's, our arch rival is Nebraska. Just walked straight in the door, pointed at the biggest dude, and said, Fuck you. Well, in Bill McCartney, so he said, I rebuke you. I'm disappointed in you.

Yeah, I'm very disappointed in you for kicking our behinds so badly. And Nebraska said, huh? Who are you? Right. Bill McCartney was like Mountain Mark Brig. Yeah, I think so. You know, he started that Promise Keepers thing, right? He did, yeah.

Yeah, I got mixed up in that in, like, the early 1990s. I remember there was a big youth group thing that, yeah, they trotted us out on the floor of the Georgia Dome. And the thing was full. It was like 75,000 Christian dads, and they had all the teens walk around on the field, and they, like, clapped, like, for the young warriors for Christ and whatever. Yeah, so. Be a Tim Dwight for the Lord. Yeah, man.

This was, this would have been Andre Risen era. I was the Andre Risen and the Army of Christ. So it was all about the burning bush. Burning down the temple. Oh, God, he does, doesn't he? So, yeah, so that's Markherty's other football connection is... Oh, but by the way, ultimately, Colorado ended up being pretty competitive with Nebraska, or at least as competitive as anyone else was.

Yeah, that's what we circle back to is eventually this shit worked. Nebraska beat Colorado three times in the late 80s and claimed a national title before, before Tom Osborne did. That happened. Did y'all see the minor Nebraska-Colorado curfuffle on the internet today? No. No. Where in a, I think a Denver post writer pointed out, I thought quite reasonably that these new souvenir cups that are being sold at the Colorado games are made of metal. And he was like, yeah, these make a pretty good sound when they're thrown.

And he had like a little video of him toss on the cup. And there's 18 million Huffy Nebraska fans in his mentions like, you are threatening violence against the corn Oscars for all the world. Like, you could have told me that they were all Auburn fans and you changed the avies and you absolutely would not be able to tell them apart. Like, Nebraska, when did y'all get so SEC and not in a good way? Can we go back to this part of the story? Colorado's handing out heavy metal

cups. No, they're quite light. However they're metal. They are. Are they like tin or copper or something? No, no, no. They're like they're aluminum. Like they look like a lightweight version like some kind of like lightweight turvice situation, but not like insulated,

double-walled. But anyway, now everyone is in the way of these things now is C-Cing the Denver Post angrily, all these Nebraska fans just like, this man here, this one officer, he's threatening the Oscars. Like, if I, oh, God, it's everything you ever need to know about Nebraska's entirely unearned reputation for being the nicest, most knowledgeable fans in college football. The only college football thing to do in response, if you're a Nebraska fan,

bring a granite chalice to the game. insist that you have a right to defend yourself with your granite chalice. There's a second amendment right to having a big hard cup. So we here at Banner Society, we did a blog post that is up at the time you listen to this podcast, I say confidently. Listing out some, all of us, several of us at least had a few ideas. Richard threw in. Oh, if it's, hold on. hello

Ryan if it's a race between your ability to edit a post and my ability to get a podcast out on time you're gonna win don't worry I mean

I mean the post is I'm being polite honestly so yeah so you can you can read that and you can also read this audio spinoff wherein we add more ideas and also some from

the listener slash readers so that's it That the whole thing is explaining. What should we start with? I was going to start with this one, all right, because I think it has the greatest name that anybody has proposed, which is this, it's from Mehmet O'Kir. Wow.

Yeah, it is tickled tonight. Yeah, Mehmet O'Kir suggests that in the Department of Punch, up to find your rival eastern michigan and michigan battling every year for the mission impossible trophy that's m i c h again the mission impossible trophy which yeah man eastern eastern walking in and being like hey michigan yeah i want to see you really even have a direction where the fuck are you kalamazone aren't they like eight miles apart or something like that they are They're like, Hey, Miles and Fart. Turn your location on, Michigan.

Fight. Oh, shit, here you are. Oh, shit, you're on top of me. I did not mix up Kalamazoo with Ipsilami or Mount Pleasant. Do not at me. Yeah, they could be like, yeah, listen, you don't have a, you don't have a dick-shaped building, do you, Ann Arbor? Huh? Yeah, take that.

I'd like to point out when we talked about that on the show. I got corrections that were like, while the building you referenced is indeed dick-shaped, there's a more dick-shaped building. Oh, God, they did. It was beautiful. So, so congrats to Eastern Michigan on having multiple dick-shaped buildings. Yeah, Michigan, we got backup dicks. Back up dicks.

I do. You know how much I really want to see Eastern Michigan do the motivational thing where they come at, like, came out of the tunnel and had to hammer down a wall of cinder blocks? Do you recall this? Yes, yes. Okay. It was sort of like a, like an abandoned. American Gladiators event. Yeah, it was definitely...

They were like kids who couldn't figure their way around a stick. Are you ready to see your fixer-upper? You want them to knock down the wall with their dicks? Yes, yes. Either that or to attempt to do that in the stadium in Ann Arbor on like the 50-yard line, but have it take much too long. Right. This is the worst suited for a single.

Yeah. And have it be like way too. involved, right? Like, the disrespect. The tedious disrespect. They're still moving. They can't move the blocks. The blocks are not... That structure is not even up to code. Yeah. The fire department has been called to inspect this. We've just dragged pregame from a spicy brawl. The community board will be hearing about this Eastern Michigan, I assure you. Man, you know the first thing real Michigan would do after the establishment of this trophy is to create an HOA

for all Michigan State schools just for the university, just an HOA for Michigan Stadium just so somebody can tap you on the shoulder and back. Yeah, that's how they lost, that's how they ended up with and lost the tanning salon. Rest and peace, sip tans.

All right, peace of tans. Welcome drip tans. Jason, you want to proposed one? So I came up with two. One is a pretty recent, pretty familiar. And I actually didn't intend to do this. I went to the all-time leaderboard by win percentage in FBS. I wanted to find the program with the worst history all-time out of everyone currently in the top level college football. Is there a cutoff for this, like minimum number of games or years or anything? Nope, just straight up win percentage. That would be.

us to Georgia State. You already see where this is going. Oh, God. We're going straight to the top. Oh, dear. Are you? Near the top. We're going for a team in the all-time top. Top of what? And of total wins and a somewhat recent national championship. That's... These are going towards A-top. We're going to A-top.

We're going to Rocky Top. Yeah. I'm going to play Nintendo. George's... Hey, did you get the Super Nintendo games yet? Bitch, I sure did, and I complained all day about Nintendo making everybody in America wait for a 7 p.m. Eastern download. I got to tell you, they really had their servers on point this time. I was downloaded and playing in like 45 seconds.

Yeah, I can't wait for fucking GameCube games in 2021. Man, I want Mario 64. So, yeah, Tennessee and Georgia State, they got to play again. I found a historical connection because, like, now it's time. I mean, shit, they've given us reason to look a little deeper. Georgia State forefather, program founder, local hero. Bill Curry went. 5.11 and 1 all time against Tennessee at Georgia Tech, Bama, and Kentucky. If you take out

the Kentucky, it's a lot better than 511 and 1. And also, once wore Kanye shades for a Georgia state preview. That man could cut a promo. He did do this. Also from the same high school as Outcast, in fact. That's just one of many things they have. Wait, he went to Tri-Cities? He did. Wow. If you take out of the Kentucky, I think he's like 5-5-1 against Tennessee. So you got You got to break this tie, Volz. That would put him just below adult-onset diabetes in the all-time record. So, let's see, Kentucky wears the same colors, basically the same species of mascot as Georgia State. So there's Tennessee, where do you got to be scared of?

If you can beat Kentucky, you can be Georgia State, right? We can't beat Kentucky. That's true. I mean, it's obvious what's in this for- Good night, everybody. It's obvious what's in this for Georgia State. What's in this for the Valls? Hey, you get to go to Atlanta.

Huh? that doesn't usually go well well it doesn't usually go at all these days you get to see turner field Tennessee fans like Turner Field right you you can't hurt me regarding the SEC championship game because as previously noted I have seen my team's quarterback run into his own goalpost and knock himself down during this game I I cannot be killed I would love to tell Tennessee fans they have to drive to Turner Field and just watch the like panic and horror. Oh, no. There's an unsavory element.

That's all right. I'm bringing my gun in the glove compartment to protect my family. I'm bringing my cannon. It's a big parking lot. You never know who might be hiding in the parking lot. I love that. I love that because everyone who, every, like, idiot who's like, yeah, I'm going into Atlanta, I'm going to bring my gun. Okay. You got, you got no and carry. Okay, cool. It means this is going to be in the glove box. Okay. You know what's going to happen? Your car is going to get broken in, too. They're going to take it right out of the glove box. Man, I lived seven-tenths of a mile from that stadium for the first, like, three years I lived in Atlanta and I never so much just had my car keyed. Well, yeah, that's because you didn't have,

you didn't have a Tennessee license plate. Yes, I did, and I had a gun in the glove box. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe your car was a transformer and needed that gun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of cars, I would like to acknowledge that someone has been driving around Atlanta playing the Georgia State Tennessee game on what appears to be like the side of an airport shuttle or something. It looks like an aquarium filled with that game. This has happened before. Yeah. Not with this game.

But this happened after, was it the Georgia Bama? It was, no, I think it was. It was the Rose Bowl. Yeah, it was the Georgia Oklahoma Rose Bowl. also on a 75 south right inside right around the busiest traffic point in oh let's say the world there is a massive billboard that is just Georgia State 38 Tennessee 30 like the entire school budget went to putting up this fucking billboard respect whoever is um whoever has access to this car television technology I hope you eventually use it for evil like if I could go back in time

I would somehow get you a copy of the Game of Thrones finale and have you drive around showing it the day before it's supposed to air. Yeah, that's good. Oh, yeah. If you could have done that with Endgame, that would have been amazing. Also, oh, yeah, people would have shot you, right? The other thing I want... Just a poorly cell phone film.

Yeah, yeah, like from the debut in Christchurch, New Zealand, right? No, you could do it with the fucking leak footage that was on Twitter, like months before. Did you all click on that shit? No. No. No. I was like, there's no way this is real. Oh, holy fuck, that's real. Like it was straight to this straight to Cap Iron Man and Thor versus Thanos. And I was like, shit, bail out, bail out. No. No. Um, I also want to point out that the next step in this, because remember, this started as a yellow Hummer with a flat screen on the back. It's like a television plugged into the back. Yeah, plugged into the back, and it was strapped to the back, and it was driving around showing Georgia, Oklahoma, right?

And that's a fucking moving van. And now it's a moving van with like three sides. Eventually, if we're going to do this right, it's going to be a truck with flat screen strapped to every surface, including the top. No, including the windshield. That somebody's going to go, how can you see through this thing? You're like, oh, victory.

Victory, baby, gives you eyes you didn't know you had before. Jake Fromm going to guide me. The vehicle's not moving anyway, so. Hi, I'm Jake Fromm, listen, do you think Jake Fromm knows where he's going with the ball? Yeah, pre-snap. That's how I drive. It's called a visor. I looked at everything before, yeah, I looked at football fashion. Yeah, I looked before I even started the car and just said, hey, that's how the play's going to go.

Knew where I was going with the van. I would like to offer this suggestion from our friend Kuppie Cup at Kupkeye. on Twitter. University of Delaware and Michigan, since they have the same helmets. This led to an interesting discovery for me. Michigan did not actually develop, or

first use, I guess. What? Yeah. The winged helmet. Mm-mm. What? Nope. You know who... I know who did. Go ahead. Tell them. Princeton. Yeah. Fritz Chrysler, former Michigan coach,

developed it at Princeton in their colors and brought it to Michigan. And then one of his players whose name I'm not going to find here, David Nelson, it looks like, yes. David M. Nelson brought it to Delaware amongst several other schools,

Harvard and Maine and Hillsdale College, and he brought it with him everywhere he went. Because the argument would be, well, you stole that from us. It's like, well, can you steal what's already stolen? Have you seen the Italian job? Hail to the snitchers. Yeah, that's called fencing.

That's right. I mean... Oh, it's fanfic. Michigan, let's introduce you to this. No, they know it. Delaware's in the Ivy League. Surely not. Oh, no, they know fanfic.

Come on. Do you don't think they have things about the Yalta conference, right? Stalin took off his shirt. Strangely muscular for a man his age. Winston Churchill took notice. Winston Churchill. Oh, dear God. Also strangely muscular emphasis on strange.

yeah you drink three liters of champagne a day his liver is a muscle oh my god yeah this is if you're a Princeton fan and any of this offends you just have your dad email us okay yeah the helm right uh helmet's fine it's a yellow doodle i have another i have another one yeah uh set to go uh which is this that uh it's there is a visual there's a visual here because podcasting is a visual medium then our list readers will really appreciate this but uh it's from at kivbot slater kevi which is uh to suggest the delta state fighting okra thinks bamar some bitches and it's a picture of the fighting okra mascot looking pissed off with both hands on his hips ready to fight yeah yeah man get um okra ain't scared your ass kicked by a vegetable. Wouldn't be the first time.

Actually, if I had to bet on anybody versus a bunch of dudes from Alabama, the vegetable, they're going to avoid it at all costs. What the fuck is that? Yeah, where do you think Jeremy Pruitt got like that? We had several good Bama suggestions. The other one that I liked was from at Send Aliens to me

who suggested Tulane versus Alabama for dominance of water-based nicknames. And the brilliance here is not the game itself. It's that. in the, let's say, one out of 20, one out of 30, that Tulane wins, that's kind of piss the shit out of LSU. It's always good when you can create a rivalry that a third party will be most angry about if it goes a certain way. And this would, like, if you had a year where simultaneously Bama lost to Tulane but beat LSU, I feel like that would start getting written into LSU's

contracts is like your buyout is void you're automatically fired if that happens in a given year right instead of one out of 30 let's go one out of three because the all-time record is 27 11 and three but that wow hey hey 1895 wins still count that's true this is the 150th anniversary of college football so we have to acknowledge that would go exactly the same today yeah very little Yeah, I were, I'm just going to start doing fake 150 milestones, right? Making up players and cop, you know, like, you know, like old tuberleg Williams, tuber leg Williams for Rutgers, notorious punter slash long snapper, winner of the 1893 Heisman for that, by the way.

Just make things up. Nobody will look it up. On this day in 1890, Ohio State played the first game against a team of all mules. and one 12 to 8 One of our Purdue listeners brought this up by the way suggested Purdue pick To be clear we respect Purdue

anonymity on this podcast We will not dox you if you are a Purdue fan I'm attempting to look at this while not making a giant hammering noise on my keyboard Holly is right we will not per dox you That's a per do Sorry Purdue

Oh, wow, exactly. Nick Saban, he didn't really pick a school, right? He just said, hey, it should be Nick Saban, because Nick Saban is one, three, and one. This is Travis Miller, by the way, at JustE Mill. What the fuck happened and not prodoxing? I am perdoxing. I am more Purdue than Per Doan.

Next you're going to tell people, Travis runs a Purdue site. Shit. So, it just so happens. Yeah, Saban is one, three, and one against Purdue. And he lost three straight at Michigan State. This has given me a good idea for what Purdue should institute at all home games going forward. They should hand out plastic masks that look like Purdue Pete's face and have the whole crowd wear them. Like Guy Fox mask style, just like, if you had, like, right now people are like, you go to Purdue.

they barely have lights whatever it's not a big deal if instead the whole fucking crowd had peru peat's face that would instantly become like one of the five hardest places to play yeah they should do that and like dim all the lights cut out half the lights actually can we do the ecW thing where we just have a bunch of peat heads that people just shake sure all at once yeah let's get sting to somehow hang over the field wearing a Purdue Pete Let's have the Purdue masks. Their eyes are the lights. You know, there's some Purdue engineer right now

thinking about how to do this, right? Yeah. Listen, we're just trying to help your program. This will be great for recruiting, yeah. You'll get all the weird kids. I know, there'll be players crying on the sideline. Like, I don't want to play anymore. All the fucking weirdos.

Son, have you ever seen the crow? Whenever a kid says, yeah, I got Purdue on my top five, you take a step back. Yeah, dude. Why don't they just become the most metal program in college football, though? There's no reason. I mean, he's got a hammer. Just saying. Trains are loud.

Trains are super loud. Trains are really metal, extremely metal. This suggestion from Danny. Barry at the Danny Barry on Twitter. Please don't forget that Arkansas State sued Miami. That is the true thing that happened recently. It happened because Miami canceled. Miami's supposed to play a game at Arkansas State.

They canceled their trip because, I think this was two or three years ago, because you guessed it, tropical storm, hurricane coming. Arkansas State tried very, very hard to make this game happen. happened. They offered to move the game up a day. They offered to fly the entire Miami staff and team out on their own dime and put them up on their own dime. They really, really wanted to play this game. Probably because if it was a Miami team within a certain range, they're probably like, yeah, we can beat those fucks. Didn't happen. They ended up suing Miami for not ever making up the game. In that case settled. But I still think there's a good, that like a history of

of litigation is a great reason to start a rivalry. Yeah. I mean, look at, like, Arkansas State on a Tuesday night Sunbelt game or whatever. If you happen to follow a couple Miami fans, they will still, you know, they'll say, oh, let's see who's on tonight.

Oh, those guys fuck them. Like, it still goes both ways. Yeah. Yeah. Plus, like, Miami occasionally does the camo thing. And you bring that to Arkansas State, and it's like, okay, we can do camo 100%. it's just Miami fans going Hey man that's actually kind of nice

What is that real tree Wow I think they're really dark Yeah we gotta take that back to the 305 y'all This is nice I know it would be really really dope Real Palm Tree

Yeah Do it like neon pink teal palm tree camo Let's get it done Dude like the like the city uniforms the heat had last year that but palm tree camo that'd be amazing so you're essentially you you want a um grand theft auto yeah version of real tree that is all the Miami University of Miami is here to do is yeah I want to do tactical raids on

on South Beach that does work because that does work because every Miami season I I feel like Miami fans start by going, oh, shit, here we go again. The first half against Florida. Our quarterback's incredible. Yo, we're back. And then he switches to Trevor. I'm on a trade track again.

Christ. The other Miami suggestion we got was from Harvey Mushman at Southerd Street. Miami, Ohio versus Miami, Florida. because fuck those guys Miami, Ohio, was a university when Florida still belonged to the Spanish. Fuck you, Miami and the jet ski you rode in on.

Tell them, wow, that's strong. That's strong. That's strong. They are playing soon. Are they? Yeah, they're playing in a couple years. Yeah, because looked up the history at the time and Miami, Florida is basically named after

Miami, Ohio's part of the country. I forget what. Oh, it's a, it's a, the lake right sure if you say i mean it's ohio so yeah that sounds well it's like the a lake in florida that ultimately the city was named after and that lake was named after the part of the midwest from whence the red hawks come so i thought you were going to say that it was named after it was named after that lake but it was actually the ocean because these people were stupid yeah it was named yeah we should we should call the atlantic ocean lake miami that's fun there's a there's a joke among my West Virginia cousins about the first time some of our kinfolk were taken

to visit the ocean and it's two of them standing knee deep in the Atlantic and one of them's like thank God has I bet it's three four mile out across there got to be got to be at least there we go that's a bunch of a bunch of idiot oh a bunch of idiot Ohioans get to get to Florida, and they're like, whoa, these weird buzzy birds that are sucking my blood, they're weird. That's about a whole day swim, got to be. Gotta be, Lord.

I mean, geez, the bottom, that's got to be at at least ten feet deep. I'm gonna call it, I'm gonna call it late Miami. Get a Bob Evans, put it in here. Dollards. Bitch, you grew up near the ocean. It didn't make you smart. see this is what no i'm speaking from expertise here i know my i know my like who are you calling

dullards i know my vintage of stupid to be clear to be clear you're calling other people dullards and we do this podcast spencer's a coastal elite yeah it is known that's true which coast well funny discussion any any water any water we want to do more of these lightning round ones i got a couple i got a good one which is which is a repeated one that i've seen a couple of times and it is baffling uh which is uh this is at braves and birds but not the only person you mention this michael says illinois has been doing this with michigan for years more muck Fisigan shirts there than in Columbus whereas Michigan fans are mostly

Who are you again? Now most of the time I would make fun of Michigan for doing this with anyone. Do this with Illinois for the rest of your lives. I Illinois keep doing this because it's clearly bothering them. Who are you?

Actual, like I believe the sincerity of that question, right? Because in your lives I'm a grad student? Yeah, is this Illinois? Champaign. Urbana. Ah, I see. Because what's the highlight of Illinois? The Shana is more of like a Kava suburbia.

Kava, Kava, Kava, Kava, Kava, Kava, suburbia. Jesus, God. You're singing. I was going to be the one who's saying. I am a hero. That's a valid point. That golden dream. The table's really turned on you, Spencer.

See, the funny thing about boy George, he's a boy, but dressed us like a girl. girl. It's crazy. We're going to get more letters now. But yeah, this is absolutely baffling. This is absolutely baffling. God damn. Our Budrick editor. It's baffling to me that Illinois would even try to have a rival at all.

Like, it was bad enough. Remember when Tim Beckman decided to make Northwestern, you know, the enemy of all things? I forgot about that. Northwestern big time, do you, dude? team up north. So if you go to the Wikipedia page for college football rivalry games, Illinois is on here five times. Oh, brother.

With whom? There's Illinois, Michigan, as we've discussed. All these fucking Big Ten Cracker Barrel Wall Trophies. Illinois, Missouri, a game which has only been played 24 times. The arch rivalry. Yes. Oh, God, that's, what is the trope? What is the Troyes?

It's the St. Louis Arch. I don't know. No, it's a VH cop. It's a, like, really battered VHS copy of Emanuel. Checked out at a gas station. Is it going to be in to the galaxy? Yes. Illinois,

Illinois Northwestern, the battle for the Land of Lincoln Trophy. Hat. Isn't that hat? That's hat, right? I don't remember. That's a brass stove pipe hat. Which I have just played up. Illinois Purdue, which is played for the Purdue Canon.

It's like, I don't think your, I don't think your prize should be named after one of the schools. that series tied 44, 44, and 6. Actually, can I dispute the thing where the trophy should be named after one of the schools? Because I think I've just hit upon a really good way to start a rivalry trophy if you don't have one already. And you want one and the other school is not cooperating. Just steal something of theirs and then say you can have it back if you beat us. Well, that's literally the story of the Little Brown Jug. Oh, hey, look at that.

No, what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is schools now should go around stealing property from other schools and then saying you can have it back with a home and home. Yeah, but that that is, so do you all know the story of the Little Brown Jug? No, no, I don't actually. This is the Michigan, Minnesota trophy. Basically, the story goes that Michigan was on this huge winning streak in the early 1900s, and they were supposed to play. Minnesota in 1903. A student manager was told to purchase something to carry water because Fielding Yost was worried that gopher fans were going to poison.

They're going to poison the well. I didn't know Fielding Yost coached at Nebraska. So the student manager goes and buys a jug from like somewhere in town, like a pottery jug. At the jug import, the juggerie. CVS. Right. The jug monger.

Right. The jug monger. So they play this game where this is like the, I think the point-a-minute Michigan team, the team that's just like killing everybody. This game ends tied 6-6, which is a huge upset for Minnesota fans. They swarm the field and the game gets called with two minutes remaining. I'm not entirely sure why. They swore in the field when Minnesota scores the tying touchdown, that is.

Game gets called with two minutes left. And Michigan leaves, including leaving the jug behind in their locker room, a custodian finds... Oh, fielding Yost was a litter bug. A custodian finds the jug. Litter jug. And brings it to the... Brings it to the AD. and the AD

The AD basically decides like Brought it to the AD what a tribute Like hey free jug Well so the custodian finds it and it's like Hey they left this behind Although some people think that maybe the custodian stole the jug not really clear

Oh they would fucking say that About a working ban But basically at that point The Sorry I didn't go to Dalton fielding Then Minnesota was like Well we're going to paint this jug and now it's going to be our rivalry trophy.

And now it is what Michigan and Minnesota play for all the time. This abandoned jug that Minnesota just decided, this is our trophy now. That is incredibly stupid, and I plot it. Oh, I mean, so the other rivalry that I didn't get to on the Illinois is on the Illinois list is Illinois Ohio State, a game which was first played for a live turtle. Yep. yeah all these should be live or metal live animals or like metal representations of dead animals

sure I think it should be played for whatever you can steal like Floyd of Rosedale is the iconic oh yeah yeah you know it should be like you know Tulane Tulane has you know the School of Tropical Medicine so I don't know like hey stole this big old jug of you know anthrax your school of tropical medicine play for the vial of cholera

stole the whole block of your campus yeah whatever you can steal if it's a person go ahead it's not kidnapping you just stole a person it's totally different it's jaunty we've forcibly occupied your law school

I do think if we're going to expand these rivalry games we also need to be willing to kill rivalry games that have... Oh, wow, I really thought that we were going to just stop there. That was quite a...

Tried a dramatic pause in that sentence. We're going to have to be ready to take the next step. I'm like, hang on. I'm not in on this one. Why? I'll hear you out, I guess. Commitment to the team. Some of these games are going to have to go.

That's all I'm saying. If Tennessee and Georgia refuse to play for water rights every year on the chess, Atahoochee, like I fucking demand, then they don't deserve to have a rivalry game. And we should just take it away from them because it's boring. It has no stakes. There is no name, no trophy, and the game is stupid.

I'm going to say this. We should cancel Tennessee Vanderbilt. I know it has to be played every year because that's how to be- I thought you were going to stop again, and I was like, hell yes. Like, when Vanderbilt beats Tennessee, it doesn't seem to actually help Vanderbilt's overall shine. No, it really doesn't. And when Tennessee beats Vanderbilt, no one cares.

When Tennessee beats Vanderbilt, it's like, yes, this is what you're supposed to do. Beating Vanderbilt is like getting out of the dentist without having to have a root canal. Right. Like, you're like, oh, whew. All right. When's lunch? So, like, it's not serving anyone at this point. Just cancel it.

Call it a tie every year and don't play it. Oh, hey, is it Alaskia week? technically no I don't think so I think that's next week okay never mind because Iowa plays Rutgers no because I have an Alaska story

if for some reason there is a single word on the internet identifying that as a rivalry it's now canceled does Rutgers have anybody Rutgers the oldest college football program or at least way up there

no no rivals listed on this Wikipedia page. None. How is that possible? How do you make it this long and not have one? Excellent evasion skills. Oh. Yeah, elusiveness. Plus 10 to stealth.

No, it's Jersey. It's Jersey. Someone fixed that for you, man. Don't worry about it. I got it. You're going to have a rivalry, but, you know. Rutgers rivalry is waste management international. Do you really want to associate with Rutgers? No, absolutely not. No matter which university you are.

Michigan wants to get into it Michigan has like a weird little thing with Rutgers although it's mostly Recruiting base? Yeah it's entirely recruiting based Okay I'm going to take the keg of nails off the table Because I mean

It's taking the flat of all the normal kegs of nails That I have in my life Yeah Also like Louisville Cincinnati That's just way too much like river city in one rivalry, right? Like, yay,

it's humid, it smells kind of weird. Ah, we're human. It smells kind of weird, too, but with horses. Yeah, I don't, there's no appeal to this. We're going to reduce it. We're going to take away the keg of nails. They don't play anyway. What are you taking away? Right. Yeah. No, no, they've played 53 times. They haven't played in like five years.

I'm trying to clear this spreadsheet, Jason. You're just going to have to work with me here. Wow. This spreadsheet needs to gain clutter. That's what we're here to do. I don't, we're here to, we're here to, we're to add and try. We aren't balancing shit. We are here to expand the spreadsheet with I'm here to bloat this sucker. I want the stupidest rivalries possible. We're here for game day condos, not Marie condo. All right, how about this suggestion from Matt Barry at Matt Barry 05 on Twitter? Georgia Tech is too scared to play Kennesaw. It's fucking true. It is true. They're literally

running away from the flex phone option offense because someone else in the state does it better. I mean, owls eat insects, so I think. I don't know if that's true. Which one of those schools has a... Sure.

Oh. Yeah, owls are part bat. I didn't think of Georgia Tech's mascot as an insect because it's so like un-lifelike. It's a little... It's a little... It's like Georgia Tech football. It's a little brundle fly-e.

No, for a second. I was like, which one of those has an insect mascot? Because I don't think of Buzz is being a bug. Cars aren't insects! Buzz, I think... Buzz is an alien, right? That's what he is. Yeah, clearly.

He doesn't have... He doesn't have six legs on his costume. Buzz should be listed on the level as like the Stanford tree, and I hate that he's not. They don't find six-legged humans to play Buzz, no. Well, Jason, you could add legs to the goddamn costume. That'd be a neat trick. Hey, it's a... Why are you two fighting?

Is it? Is it? Is it? It's it? Also, my favorite part about Tech's, uh, long, long, long, Russell athletic sponsorship was Buzz kept wearing Converse Chuck Taylor's the entire time. It wasn't until they switched to Adidas that they're like,

can we put some fucking branded shoes on the mascot? And Georgia Tech was like, what mascot? Remember, Georgia Tech's mascot, nobody asked for it. It was just a guy who ran out in the field because he thought that would be a way to impress a woman. That's pretty much everything you need to know about the Georgia Tech experience. So the same theory as the guy who shot.

Ronald Reagan? So he ran onto the field at a Georgia Tech game to impress a woman? Yeah, no, that he did it to, he ran out in the field. Nobody, like, Buzz's story as a mascot is that this guy went out there dressed as a yellow jacket. The name, by the way, has nothing to do with the actual yellow jacket. It came from the yellow jackets worn by students at Georgia Tech games. Oh, it didn't come from the incredibly virulent and. awful insects that are all over Georgia I don't buy that yeah it's crazy but no it didn't come from like

bees but seriously assholes right no it came from yellow jackets so this guy actually took like yeah what if bees but way too much and no honey right this was this guy just went out there dressed as the stupid as possible joke on the name wore converse chucks all because he thought it would be a good way to impress a girl. That's absolutely terrible. Yeah. Stop Duck in Kennesaw State is what we're saying. Get your ass on the field.

Yeah. We'll play at the Braves Stadium. How about that? No, it's taken. Oh, you mean the new one? Yeah, the actual Braves Stadium, not the abandoned one, not the undead Ted. Undead Ted. We'll play at the safe one.

There's another one here, which I really like, which is from at J. Kinney 1987, Joey Kinney. Kansas does not want that Pittsburgh State work. Wow, here come the guerrillas. That's the sole reason I chose this, because Pittsburgh State has what has to be a top five college football team name. They are the Pittsburgh State gorillas. Is their logo, does their logo feature a big-ass gorilla?

Hell, yes, it does. Does it make any sense, given that Pittsburgh State is in the middle of Kansas, noted guerrilla's habitat, Kansas. The rainforests of Kansas. What says Kansas more than unlicensed zoo? It's true. I think they have the perfect color scheme for a guerrilla team, too. Bright-ass red.

We actually really just like Michael Crichton novels, it turns out. Like, caution, gorillas. I think that's only polite. We were almost the Pittsburgh State sphere. This was Pittsburgh State, by the way. Like, in case you don't know, generated. Yeah, Dennis, Franchione.

Also, a really, like, an excellent, like, football program. I don't think I knew that French unity element. Yeah, they got four national titles. Oh, what, I thought you meant Dennis France. Sorry. I wish you had not said generated. That really feels uncomfortable. I like that part because it sounds like they spawned him in a multiplayer game.

That's really the, how else would he have come into the world? I don't know. You know, from a VAT. Where do Dennis, Dennis Franchonis come from? Ew. They're not. born, they are grown. On the plains of Kansas.

The harvest is right. We send the gorillas out into the fields with the combine. The lambs are through to the killing field. Just see guerrillas out there just, you know, like doing the rage tossing like they do with grass but with wheat instead. No, with thinnest franchonis.

You know, James Goodall's like, what the fuck is going on? America is weird as hell. Jane Goodall getting an email, a Google alert from the shutdown forecast. Also, seriously, there's a very valid point, Joey. Kansas probably actually didn't want Pittsburgh State. They probably still don't if we're going to be honest, man. They can't even handle assorted Dakotas.

Yeah. I like assorted decodas because it sounds like a Russell Stover box. Although, can I tell you? Can I tell you? Yeah, nobody wants to eat the like, no. Chocolate-covered rock. Nobody wants to eat the USD one, right?

Rock chocolate. Can I tell you to? Hang on. Jay Hoplitz. We just found something even better here. We did. Can I also tell you what Pittsburgh State's first coach's name was? Please do.

Garfield weed. Shut the fuck up. His name was Garfield weed. The world's first winning. His name was literally what the stupidest stoder, you know. What is his Twitter names? That's my Snapchat password. That's so silly that it is, I'm certain, that is like post-ironic Facebook page.

Facebook memes page. That's like some extremely weird rapper stuff, right? Like, yeah, check out my mistake, Garfield weed. It's unfortunate because you know his parents were like, we love our son, and so we'll give him a name that shows that we love him. And he'll never be mocked generations from now. because of a lasagna eating cat. A mortal name. Yeah, I bet that name was respectable as hell back when.

How? It sounds so stupid. That's the weird part. Garfield legalize it weed. No, it's better because his name is W.E.E.D. Pioneer of the forward pass. And his name is W.E.D. E.E.D. in case it wasn't like...

Oh, so it's like he's a vapor. Yeah. It's like he couldn't get Garfield weed, the W.E.E.D. on Twitter, so you had to add an E. can we get an umlaught in there the real the real garfield weed garfield weed official garfield weed 420 because you needed a number this is the weirdest lost mystical track cool keith alias

yeah aka garfield weed so this is this is kind of a developed one I'm going to propose that main my beloved new balance main black bears wait hold on pause they wear new balance yeah Spencer that's what they have for hands

very good keep going keep going Jason they go ahead and call out Hawaii all right FCS team calling out FBS team saying that's our arch rival this works because Maine does this shit I mean when you're the northern most and the eastern most school in all of

division one that plays football you you tend to do some far-flung shit last year in the playoffs. They had to go to Ogden, Utah, or Weber, Utah, whichever one Weber State is in. Garfield, Wheat, they had to go Garfield, Utah. Then they had to fly all the way back to Maine. Then they had to go to

Garfield, Washington, to play EWU a week later. Maine does this shit. Frequent flyer miles for all. Now they get to go to Hawaii. That's awesome. Bears would love Hawaii. Bears, like, you could hibernate in a volcano. It is warm. It is moist. There's abundant

local fruit. Bears know how to surf. Yep. Bears can swim. Oh, man. Can you imagine what bears would just pull out of, you know, like the ocean there, just fishing away? Yeah. I'd be like, look, I got a Matthew I got a Matthew McConaughey. Hey, brother.

Hey, brother, you earned it. I'm not even mad. How you doing, my burly furry compadre? Just out here singing a song of yourself in the surf. talked about this new Matthew McConaughey situation no what is this one what is the up to now being an academic yeah his his role as an academic at the University of Texas specifically I meant the Twitter thread that it spawned oh I don't I am unfamiliar with this never mind I don't have it to hand there's a there's a gentleman on Twitter who has been constructing a never-ending thread of

Matthew McConaughey lecturing in various classes at Texas I think the important thing is that now if you Google Matthew McConaughey, Google will auto fill professor in as one of your first shit, yeah. Which, listen, Texas fans, to the extent you wanted to argue that you were the best public school and not Michigan or Virginia or one of the UC schools or whatever, go ahead and say this knocked you down a peg. Disagree. disagree

like who's Michigan got some stuffy expert in copyright law please McConaughey's like McConaughey's 10 times the academic that man is whoever this imaginary person is

brother that's what it's all about here at school he's teaching a class on filmmaking and I hope it's just Matthew McConaughey showing you his movies for a whole semester. No homework. No papers. Just like, hey, man, let's watch my movies. I hope he doesn't remember any of them. And he's like, just face full of delight. Like, huh? Man, Sahara's better than

the critics say. I don't remember this one at all. I want him to go through his rom-com phase when his career nearly taint completely. That's why we'd like to watch all of those. All right. So, hey, this scene right here, yeah, pay for a Corvette. And this scene here, it also paid for a Corvette. This one. This one, this one, this one, this one paid for a Corvette. I got three of them. Here we go, Spencer.

I found the tweet. It's from user Jimmy G. At Jimmy Guards on Twitter. And why don't you read? Anem, beloved fan. Correct. Why don't you read Matthew McConaughey and his work to the Texas basketball team?

This would, Kimosabes? A forest. That orange polota over there? Former swine, man. life energy. This monk to my left, vitality. Yeah, that's good. This world is going to call y'all football players. Nah, nah, nah, caballieros laughs mischievously to self. Y'all are soul shirpers in a sweat lodge of equanimity. Kiss the fire, sense. Coo to the mighty

Jayhawk. Seek balance in the koi pond inside you. It's all incredibly real. Yeah, no, this is, this is amazing, man. Jimmy, please get this up forever. Thank you. Yeah, this is, I mean, come on. Like, you could go to Michigan. I support you if you go to Michigan. Michigan is a wonderful place.

Well, you probably couldn't. Yeah. I probably couldn't. We couldn't. To be clear, we couldn't. No. I mean, we could. Ryan may be good.

No, that's not true. We did go to the state. It's true. They let us in, and they graciously permitted us our escape. So, Maine and Hawaii have already played each other in football. There's precedent here. In 1990, Maine went to Hawaii and lost by 40 points. So there's a grudge on one side.

On the other side, you had like, so when Hawaii, the kingdom of Hawaii was overthrown by the U.S. government, I was astounded by how many Maine people were involved, like the ambassador at the time, the last American ambassador to Hawaii, the first and the sixth American governor of Hawaii, the chief justice of the Supreme Court. the dude who set up the first English school which was Barack Obama's high school 140 whatever years later like the insane amount of Maine

involved in like taking over Hawaii like I would be fucking if I feel like if I'm from Hawaii I'm like fuck Maine yes let's play them in football let's beat the shit out of it's everyone in like the 1880s and 1890s who was sitting there

you know in Maine like well I've done everything I can here in Maine been a fine member of society and a booster to this economy and raised a family. You know, I'm now 24 years old. Time to die. Yeah, what am I? Yeah, somebody's like, hey, do you want to go there? Well, let me look at the element. I could see what the current did.

My God! Just like, just leaves a dude-shaped hole in the wall, right? Fucking Looney Tunes hole in the book. Yeah, it just, bap! Just be like, who are all these weird, like, who are all these weird people just going around pantsless in Hawaii? Yeah, they're all from Maine. That's everybody. They're just not putting their pants back on.

Such freedom! Jason, how do you feel about the other half of the, like, what happens when Hawaii has to go to Maine? So, according to a 2013 Gallup poll, Maine and Hawaii are the two states people are least likely to move out. of once they get there so Hawaii might just stay put and then we have a local rivalry right there's also a six-acre island in Maine called Hawaii 2 which was bought via some dumb internet stunt I have a rivalry trophy for you Hawaii's first super ferry boat was bought by the Navy and then given to somebody in Maine where it now shuttles people between Maine and Nova Scotia the big-ass boat is your

rivalry trophy all right do you have to take the boat to the game no the winning team has to putter the boat all the way through the panama canal to be by the time you get there it's time to go back to get there it's time to play the game again yeah like shit now you're changing hands all right turn it back around and i have a i have a name for you it's obvious it's easy this is the battle for the mainland trophy wow wow i love when jason does the research because i never will