Shutdown Fullcast - MARITIME DISASTERS

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

Please welcome Skylab Carl, Tequila Derek, and Judge Catfish Which tiger-affiliated school is the least equipped to handle rapidly moving water? Spencer fights against the strictures of both biology and physics, again Thrill to Ryan’s tale of Florida’s sovereign sinkhole! A robust debate: What is the perfect size of bird to fight? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Just get in the boat, dude. No! They made so many reasonable requests of this, dude. I hope they kept sticking like a paddle out to be like, all right, nope, never mind, keep swimming, idiot. No government handouts for me. There I was a swimming, and they come tread on me. I had the damn snake sticker on me.

on my truck and I had to fly on the damn boat. Don't tread on sea. Don't tread water on me. You know, they call it Big Blue Nation for a reason.

Like the ocean. Also, I'm very cold. I'm very cold. I'm frostbitt. It was very early in the morning. I'm hanging around 500. Just boy.

Right here. Floating. Is that Rich Brooks? Hey, Coach. Can we all listen here for just a few seconds and let the rain take us out? We're going to be able to be. .

We're going to be able to be. I'm going to be. Word. Welcome to the shutdown forecast. Literally, the backing vocals. Literally calling the dogs. I'm wearing headphones and you woke up the dog. Calling the dogs.

Betty, come here, baby. Gotta hoot, nanny. Stop it. Welcome to the internet's only college football podcast. Tonight, we're really, we're going back to college football's roots. by roots i mean almost dying in a boat what's more college football than spending your offseason enjoying calamity after calamity on the lake remember we're about the lake you might be out at sea that's fine most of the time though we're going to be on a lake or we're going to be tubing

gonna be doing something irresponsible because this this y'all i do not regret to inform you i am pleased to tell you this this is yet another disasters episode yeah It's the disaster episode. You know what that means? We get to drop a flex bomb on, y'all. It's coming. It's coming. There you go.

That's right. Is that the quiet story? Yeah. Now, so for you, the listener, it's possible that Cerber has been able to insert an actual flex bomb. I just want to bring the listener behind the curtain. And what we are hearing sounds sort of like thunder through a guitar amplifier that is on the other side of the street. feel the thunder it's like somebody's playing game gear two rows behind you on an airplane has the sound all the way out thanks for the noise young man it sounds like when a big dog is sleeping when you take a dog for like a really long walk and they're like oh that was too much too much walk for this guy

they just lay down and saw logs what a what a perfect animal by the way taking a big dog dog on more than a mile walk and it's like whoa whoa we've engineered this thing we've engineered this perfect machine that's like a mile and a foot too much we must be leaving forever time to charge up so i can walk another 800 meters i'm in the best shape of my life you're kidding me every big every gigantic breed dog is basically a dad after they get like like one piece of exercise equipment it's incredible I work out 20 minutes a day and look at me you look the same dude no I have to admit is my abdomen is disturbingly firm now it's the same size rigid not not smaller doesn't look any different it just kind of firm all the time like uh it's

still keg like just hard keg how could I not be in good shape I'm tired That's every large breed dog. Every large breed dog is basically like, oh, I feel great. So we are our new guy, the best we can guess is he's half St. Bernard, half corgi, based on his insane dimensions.

And like, yes, we hope the mom was the St. Bernard, right? Because, like, yikes. Shout out to our short kings. But, yeah, way to go, buddy. Way to go. Ambitious. But, yeah, when we got him, we thought full St. Bernard, and we thought, like, on pace for, like, 150 pounds. But he's at only 70 now, but he still acts like a huge dog.

Like, took him on a few walks a day, and, like, I'm glad he's not out here on the porch because you wouldn't even be able to hear me from all the snoring. Does he do the big dog thing, too? Or he's like, ah, three reps. Oh, that's about enough. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He thinks he's a small dog, but then the walk is over, and he realizes he's a pretty big dog.

Wait, are we going to get rich selling dog seepaps? Seapups. Seapups. I guess the answer is yes. The seapup, the only way you could get a seapup is if you made the nose piece smell like bacon, right? We will. You just put peanut butter inside it. I don't want to, can we go with doggy breathe right strips?

Just the big old, the big old Neil Smith. Yes. Yeah. The problem with doggy breathe right strips is if you made them smell like bacon, the dog would just be continually like moving in circles because it'd be like where is that where is that yeah i think the dog manages to eat its own nose somehow yeah i'm inside out now i turned myself inside out and now i'm exhausted from all that work i deserve another breathe right strip i like delicious i had a neighbor who had two mastiffs who and he had two gigantic classic old

english mastiffs and they were so huge he had a ramp that he carried in his pickup truck so he could get them in the back of the truck so he put down the ramp and it was like deploying at-ats like they moved it you're like dude you you do all of this work to get them off the truck and then they go 10 steps and they're like that's far enough i will deadlift here and then i will take a nap power lifting ass dogs welcome to what is obviously the maritime disaster's episode um we wanted to go ahead and get y'all on the record Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we designate Serber the captain?

Captain Serber? Can he be Captain Serbs? Captain Serbs? Captain Serbs. Are you cool with that, server? Does it mean I get to crunchetize you? Yes, absolutely. All right, I'm in.

Server, what is... Does that mean he can arrest us? What is your boating experience first, Serber? Oh, boy. I'm really bad on boats. I was terrified of boats as a child. Yeah. And then the last one, you know, my last two excursions on the sea were kind of trying to impress my father-in-law and I didn't do that.

How badly did you fail to do that? So the, boy, the first time was we were out for about six hours and I puked for five and a half of the hours. entire time just chumming the water we caught a lot of sharks consistency yep um the second time there was a really really really really bad thunderstorm that rolled in and it was freezing cold and i threw up the entire time that time too it was just raining that time was the only difference so it was only like there was only like three hours and luckily my father-in-law looked over at me and he liked me at this point the second time and he was like you're ready to ready to head back and I was like, yes, I'm ready to never do this ever.

Yeah, all right. Well, you're the captain today, buddy. Good job. Serber, what did they tell you? What did they tell you about being seasick? Were you able to do the jump in the water thing? Did they tell you that? What?

No, and there were so many sharks. Oh, so yeah, you were not. What they will tell you if you're not in shark-infested waters, or who knows? Maybe if you are in shark-infested waters, and they just don't like you. They'll say, oh, well, you know what'll cure your seasickness is, you know you can just jump off the boat and directly into the water and then it'll just go away because i don't know something in your inner ear will just uh come into equilibrium with the water and you'll be great which my response when this doesn't work i was going to tell you a story about

how that did not work or it was in media race because there was a guy on a fishing boat i was on who was really not feeling it and it was a small enough boat in a nice enough day and in water where i guess sharks really weren't a total concern they're like yeah man Well, you could just jump, like, you know, you could just jump off the sort of like, because we were kind of up on the tuna tower. And what they wanted him to do was just to jump in the water, right? Like, go down, responsibly, enter the water, feel yourself for a minute, get used to it, and then come back in, maybe you feel a little bit better. And this guy, being a friend of mine, an idiot, was like, oh, okay, and just jumped off of the side of the tuna tower, nearly clipped himself. And as he was entering the water, started vomiting, right?

so basically did the most athletic vomiting i have ever seen in my life by not dying by hitting the side of the boat and by puking midair was amazing it's like x games puking yeah he's x games mode puking that's exactly what he did also he didn't feel any better he's like i just feel like shit out here in the water now great maybe they say that so you don't on the boat yeah that's a little bit better than the when that doesn't work story that i had which i learned from my father tonight when i asked him if he had any boating disasters that he could share uh my parents could probably fill their own show with this is something i've learned tonight but anyway my dad has busted both eardrums in two separate water skiing incidents

uh and it turns out that when you're trying to fall after having busted an eardrum you don't necessarily know which way you're falling and sometimes that's into the boat wow that's your parents have a fearsome fearsome resume when it comes to maritime disasters and we will get to that we did ask readers what uh and listeners what they wanted uh to talk about what their most impressive maritime disasters is we've we've gone through them selected the cream of the cream and but before that I wanted to ask Ryan Nanny you are the Floridian I expect you to have something or you have nothing because remember people in Florida either live on a boat and have a pet alligator named Francis or they never go to the beach and haven't been outside in 20 years

is that where lighten up Francis comes from when you're trying to get the alligator to like loose its jaws or off the boat because they're heavy yeah gotcha so My maritime disaster takes place, neither at sea nor on a lake nor on a river, takes place at a sinkhole. Ooh, this is good. The name of the sink hole is devil's sink. Buddy, you had me at the name of the sink hole. Devil's sink is one of the first places I saw a grown person poop in public. that was what we saw as we were walking to devil sink was a guy what inspired you to move to new york

i did see that's the second place where i saw a man pooping in public so i guess it was sort of a sign of what was yet to come devil sink is this uh i don't know it's a pretty wide sink hole probably like 70 feet or so and rumoredly there's a jet ski at the bottom of it that somebody brought on a trailer dumped into the sink but because the sides are very high and the only way to climb out is by ladders they've built into the sides of the sink there's no way to get a jet ski back out

so they sunk it on purpose that's not what happened to me though there was I don't know if it's still there basically a let's say like a two-story platform that you could get to to dive into the sink I have never I have like

you know I've done plenty of like jump into the pool diving or jump off a boat diving but i've never until this day jumped off of a high dive so i didn't really know what i was supposed to do and even though everybody else was jumping um basically like jump out so your feet hit the water first and sort of like tuck the rest of yourself into your chest so you're sort of just like a knife hitting the water i decided to go head first oh no and the thing about jumping head first from two stories into a sinkhole full of water is that you really better be good at it and i was not so i hit uh basically flat on my back onto the sinkhole and landed so hard that i dislocated my pinky

wow did you feel it go did you know oh 100% on the minute i got out of the water i was just like oh fuck this or oh jesus so um yeah and that pinky hurt it's fine now it was probably hurt for like six years off and on um and yeah that was that was that was my one and only day at devil sink florida i'm looking at a picture of this right now and it looks like you are diving into no lie an entire either what is is an entire sinkhole full of ecto cooler or green chartreuse liqueur that is that is true it is extreme that's that's probably the most disturbing part about it is that it is completely opaque you cannot see it and that includes when you're in the water you cannot see anything that's in it

so that's why the myth about the jet ski persists because how would you fucking see the thing also can i just compliment you on involving the phrase mythical jet ski It's the only way to miss it. Ryan, do you think you're the only person with a case of devil sink pinkie? I cannot imagine that is true. You got a case of the sinky pinky? I bet there are. I'm not a sink, one in the pink.

God damn. Somebody was getting that. I did that backwards, much like Ryan. Yeah. You know, the worst part is when you're falling from, when you're falling from that far you have enough time to recognize your mistake so so about halfway down i was like ah no ah that was wrong uh you were like the falling bowl of petunias yeah kind of my my maritime disaster is the guy jumping off and vomiting like midair like

that's pretty much my best one all the other ones are hey we spawn a boat too fast and doing donuts in the middle of a lake and an engine fell off, which, that did happen. So you were vomiting as you were plummeting? Not me. Not me. A friend of mine, right? Uh-huh. Okay. What's doing that?

Wink, wink, wink. Not me. Because what am I doing going into the water? Yeah, Spencer can't swim. I can't swim, see? That's what the vomit is for. Oh my God, we got him on tape. The vomit is for a padding, creative pad. So, like, what was the trajectory was like a guy vomiting down

toward the water and he was then racing it? Or was he facing out at like a like a like a like the dolphins at the marlins park when a home run happens he was supposed to be facing the water right i think he wanted to dive into the water but he kind of sucked at it so he sort of went sideways so imagine kind of a colorful plume flying right as he was moving from 90 degrees to 120 degrees to 180 degrees right to see what if we could get him like as he's going down he's like cartwheeling like a sprinkler I wish he had hit like that. That would have been beautiful. But no, this is about accuracy and factualness, right? Right, yeah. Just journalism, everybody.

So, yeah, he merely did like a, you know, a good 45 to 90 degrees of vomiting before he hit the water and then felt no better. I did want to ask, though. Ryan that is your final maritime disaster you have no you have no you have no Floridian rank to pull here no I don't think I don't think I have one better like have I have I gotten sunburnt in stupid places and have I like you know similarly puked on a boat and shit like that yeah but I think I think tumbling directly onto my back at a sinkhole that like and I want to be clear devil sink is not like you don't get there and there's not like a sign that's like a sign that's like welcome to devil sink park a thing that the government knows about and regulates for safety

it's you just show up and like i said there's a sovereign there's a that's why when you show up there's just a dude shitting in public and you can see him i assume he's like the the park ranger basically that's why they call the devil sick oh some guy they're a fallout shit yeah This very fallout, the nice part. Jumped head first to do it. Ryan was Mr. Fell out. Yeah. I want to, by the way, the size of the devil's sick hole,

looking at the size of it, whoever put a jet ski in there is the stupidest person alive. Oh, because the only thing you could do is turn as hard as you can the whole time. Staring the fucking drink. This thing's about the size of a lot. very large above ground pool in terms of diameter yes you'd have to be an idiot to put a jet ski in meaning listen i'm going to defend this person and when i start listing my maritime disasters

you're going to understand why but also do we know what the water level was when they put the jet ski in this might not have been as dumb as it seems now there's no way that the water level is ever high enough to put a jet ski in and retrieve it okay in part in part because of just like how it's built there's just like there's no sloping entry into the sink because it's a sink it's like it's like a biscuit cutter in the earth where it just goes straight down on all sides all right as a tennesseean i'm genetically moved to automatically defend people who do dumb jet ski shit but i i admit there's not there's not a lot of legs to stand on much like a jet ski can i i would can i offer the georgian interpretation of this situation as a as a veteran of

of Lake Lanier. I think the jet ski had some bodies on it and it was discarded. The evidence was hidden because that jet ski was stolen and had killed someone. Insurance fraud maybe, possibly full of contraband. Who's to say? I have one very Floridian interpretation of it and it's this. That jet ski is the only thing keeping the entire water table from draining into the aquifer and away from the state of Florida. It's a plug. It's a plug. And if you think I'm joking, Go look up the history of the Army Corps of Engineers in Florida and tell me that's not a distinct possibility. They're like, yeah, this is this one, this jet ski is the only thing keeping the water table from completely going haywire. This is why it's funny when Elon Musk is like, I want to drill tunnels underneath Miami for public transit.

It's like, dude, they're just going to be full of poop and jet skis. What are you doing? I think he should do that personally. Yeah, himself. Give it a run, dude. we have we have some listener stories holly do you want to do you want to get us started i know you do you want to hear mine or do you want to hear the listeners yours first please oh god it's going to be a minute okay so we've been in this situation in disaster episodes before where i think

i don't have any and it turns out that the bar for what i consider a disaster is just way far apart from everybody else's. I'm going to give a modest example here. The summer of the eclipse a couple years ago, I watched two semi-professional rollers go down a homemade water slide in a bouncy house as an inner tube. Then I went down the homemade water slide in a bouncy house. They took out two children on their run. I just landed in a nest of wolf spiders at the bottom. This deterred no one, and we continue to use the water slide and the bouncy castle all afternoon. So let's just set that as the baseline for what I'm working here. I ask my parents for some maritime stories from our family

because we've always been a waterbound people. This is how I found out that my parents got a bass boat instead of buying my mother an engagement ring. They have been married for 45 years. And I have a phrase that I want to add to our disaster lexicon alongside, as it turns out, or what we didn't know. And it's how about half of these stories start. And the phrase is this, there used to be a water slide. This is good.

This is like the start of its own narrative podcast. This is a great start to any story. This one involves my parents and a half dozen of their friends. sliding on mass down one of those concrete alpine slides that just had a water jet at the top, hitting the lip of the tube and tumbling out into the woods. If you're from around here, I'm told this was up around Cosby. And then I actually got my father to, and maybe you'll understand a little bit more about why I'm so nonchalant about these things. I got my father to tell the story about the time my grandfather decided he could repair his own outboard motor.

and the engine caught fire. And he talks about it as though, I went to the grocery store, but they were out of pairs. I'm just going to see if y'all can do this. Okay. My father was a depression-era baby and became very frugal,

wound up being very frugal naturally. But one of the things he'd never like to do was take a vehicle of any kind, a boat motor, whatever, to the shop because they always took too long and they always charged too much money. So probably the best story about him and repairs was he cross-threaded a spark plug in an outboard motor one time and rather than take it to a machine shop or to the boat dealership and have it repaired, he just decided he had some high temperature, supposedly high temperature epoxy.

He decided he would epoxy that spark plug back into the hole. And everything went along fine. One day I was out in his boat by myself running from a thunderstorm, and I heard this pop. And when I turned around, flames were coming out all around the bottom of the cow, and I had to make a decision. Do I stop the boat, get hit by lightning? or do I just let the back end of the boat blow off.

Luckily, when I stopped, I took the cow off, the motor turned the motor off, the fire went out, and I was able to leapt back to the ramp using the trolling motor. But as I say, my dad always looking for a way to save a nickel. I'll get all that. Yes. All right, so this is all a preamble because the real, star of maritime disasters is my mother

I'm going to tell one story here from my own childhood y'all I'm sorry I'm just stealing this episode we were at do y'all remember wet and wild Floridians yes I think Andy Staples worked there I don't think I made oh god that's right that is the one he worked at so wet and wild is was is it still exist

in our hearts at least okay anyway wet and wild is slash was I assume it's gone back to hell. But Wet and Wild was a large water park in central Florida that was unaffiliated with a theme park, right? This was not a Disney or a universal affiliated theme park or whatever. And my whole family was down there visiting my mom's family one summer

and took a family jaunt to a water park, which we didn't do very often. And this was a memorable one because, you know, they tell you at the top, of the tube slides if you want to go fast you know you lift your butt out of the inner tube so it doesn't drag along the bottom and my mom goes oh that sounds like a good time you know so my dad goes down the tube slide comes out the bottom my brother goes down the tube slide comes out the bottom and i go down the tube slide and come out the bottom and we turn to look from my mother and we hear this and it's a scream and it's a scream and it's going to closer and I guess once she started picking up speed she didn't want to put her

butt back down out of fear of injury yeah it's how you tear your butt off right this is where I should point out that this is a double slide and there's a second slide right next to it so the scream is getting louder and we're just kind of looking at each other like is that and here comes my mother rocketing out of she didn't actually touched the water when she came out of the bottom of the slide she skipped like a rock across the top of the water so fast and so far that she bowled into a woman who was walking out of the pool at the opposite end of the steps just knocked this woman down like she was to chaos spice that's that's that's 15 yards now but back before the NFL got soft that was that was

was legal the code into this story is that this is like the second thing we did that day and we somehow ended up in line behind this woman and her family for the rest of the day sure assert dominance um yeah anyway i will stop it there because i know we want to get on to readers i'm i'm going to read a couple little selections from lake stories of my mom's that i don't even think I can repeat on the show. It was Labor Day weekend, 1978, and I don't know how many people were in our boat. Okay, two of the people in this story later died in drunk driving accidents, one of them driving the wrong way on the interstate. And we threw the air mattress out of the boat, and I got out on the air mattress with our friend Catman, whose real name we did not know.

that's up cat ma'am i love you mom thank you for being on the show anyway uh this is all preamble to when rocking carolina submits lake murray south carolina midnight seven people thought taking a small sailboat out would be fun during a spring thunderstorm on acid i think that sounds great yeah i mean we don't know how the story ends we don't know how the story ends and i i think I'm only left to conclude that you were right. It was a good time. Thank you, Rockin, Carolina. Okay.

I'll do this one. This is from Competent-ish. Tried to show off on a rental jet ski in the middle of a river and punched a big hole in the bow when I hit the back corner of another ski. Sank in 30 seconds. And I had to dive and drag it back to shore a little bit at a time.

because I thought I could still maybe get the deposit back. America is a nation of optimism. Spoiler! I did not get the deposit back, but I did manage to talk my way out of paying for the whole thing since I dragged it a mile back to the dock. A mile? I think they owe you for that. There were, there, listen, we got, obviously we got a lot of submissions for this.

If your story is not in here, it doesn't mean that it's not delightfully disastrous. It probably means you put it in the wrong thread. We tried to help you and you're stupid. It could be. That said, there were a lot of people who fucked up a jet ski that they rented and thought if they brought like, you know, the general form of the jet ski back that they would get the deposit back. They thought like, well, what really matters is the kid. casing this is a great argument for this is a great argument for jet skis having souls have you heard the tale

of the jet ski of theseus just just imagine odysseus out there tearing ass on his jet ski getting back to my woman would have been a lot shorter yeah that's yeah oh oh how's Stop taking that jet ski through hell. God damn it. How do you pass between the Scylla and Carybdis? With the stereo turned all the way up, baby. Power slide, power slide, power slide. If I ain't supposed to jet ski in hell, how come there's a river in it?

See? I ain't got to pay that dude a dime. Watch this. Eat a dip, Karen. I got that three-headed dog on the back with me. Well, I ain't paying you, fairy. I'm keeping these I will go with mine from first one from at Conway Tweety appropriately enough fishing at the lake of the Ozarks with my dad dad catches

a large mouth bass drops it in the boat reaches down fish catches dad that's poetic the hook is in the meaty part of the hand by the thumb then he draw He then drives the boat back to the campsite, then drives the car all the way to the local hospital with a chug bug, dangling from his hand. Can you say chugbug as Werner Herzog? With a chug bug bug. Thank you. Heggling from his hand. Thank you.

The hospital has to cut the hook. The hospital has to cut the hook and push the barb through the other side of his hand. Meanwhile, I'm in the waiting room where they have a. wall of fame of lures that have been extracted from various missourians with accompanying pictures that's the kicker man missouri wall of honor this is in a hospital the greatest yeah missurigans i'd like to imagine them like the surgeons standing like ATF agents in front of a table full of bloody lures like holding shotguns man look at all look at everything we seized this man imagine they pull a fishy lure out of your ass and they're like ah this one we yeah and this sorry this doesn't make the cut here sorry man it's not

the hall of very good you're in the show me state buddy you need to show me a bigger wound before that thing gets in you know apart from actually winning the thing this is maybe the most missouri has ever done to convince me that they belong in the SEC yeah the wall of fame is the kicker i'm sure there's like a fax machine with a hook on it right like yeah what do you catch with that and they're like stripers it's weird they got like like like 95 year old dudes in the hospital who are like, you know, the fishing lures they pull out of asses these days. They couldn't cut it back in my day. Back in my day, they were rusty going in. You know how there's probably some old fisherman around Lake of the Ozarks who's like one of

those whales. They're like, yeah, we found a cannonball from 1812 on the side of this whale. There's probably some like 95 year old guy and they're like, oh my God, there's a piece of like Skylab on a hook embedded in this guy's ass. Yeah, it's Carl. it's Carl It's amazing Skylab Carl Scalab Carl Scalab Carl

He's famous That's what they call him It's a ghost of the lake of the Ozarks Jason I want to hear about Lake Lanier In all directions please I'm here first to report from Mark Schaubb

NC 7th grade Somehow didn't feel it when I got a giant splinter It really looked like a sliver of tree bark What the fuck Got a branch sticking not your foot in my foot in Lake Lanier oh that explains it three days later my foot was so

swollen the school nurse had to cut my shoe off doc numbed it up and cut it out almost barfed when I saw it that's a great story mark I really love all of it sounds like a disaster but what he's really saying there is that Lake Lanier missed so congratulations that doesn't have yeah so I don't remember last time we talked about Lake and Lanier on here I don't remember anytime we've ever talked about anything on here it was the Trump boat sinking Lutnett that sounds right sure yeah so it's it's a it's a fake lake um that was designed by cursed people and like they're like 15 years ago it drought hit all the way to the bottom and they found stolen cars and stolen guns and anything you can imagine at the bottom of it

and every so often it's in the news because like oh oh the body we've been looking for yeah we knew where to find it all along so this like haunted cursed lake um just north of Atlanta when we were graduating high school me and my friends had the idea and this is an averted disaster but we were going to get a houseboat and we're going to live on Lake Lanier. That was going to be our post-high school plan. We're all going to college within drive it. Like we were going to different colleges,

but all within driving range of the houseboat. And like the thing is, you tell like an 18-year-old boy, like, hey, we're going to get a houseboat. Their first response is, hell yeah. And then you start showing them paperwork and they realize how serious you are. There was like three of us who were like,

about it, right? Once they start seeing paperwork and shit, they're like, oh, I thought you, I thought you guys were just really fired up and you could get an apartment or something. Nope, I guess you're off the list, you know. And then eventually you start realizing like, all right, we need to like invite girls who like, you know, we're not even dating. And they're like, you idiots, what are you talking about? No, right?

This is the worst idea I've ever heard. And like, they're shooting it down to such a degree that we're like, they're not just saying it's a bad idea for them. They're saying it's a bad idea, not just for us. They're saying it's a bad idea, right? And we were smart enough to heed the wisdom of those young ladies. So thank you to them because the thing about renting a houseboat as like five or six or eight or whatever 18 year olds is someone ends up being one 19 year old who owns a houseboat. You don't want to be that guy because like, come on, man. Like at that age, you're like, oh, we're going to live together forever.

No, you're not. I'm sorry. You're not. But yeah, that's Lake Lanier. Don't go near it, but you will. Yeah. I assume if you have three dudes living on a houseboat that the only way they're pissing is off the side of the like they never use the head

we were like all right so we're going to have like a we're going to have like a smaller boat that we go and take to the parking lot so we can go on grocery runs and it's like all right what if we have like dates over and it's like oh that's what the roof's for we thought through all the stupid

shit and it's like guys just get a fucking apartment world building for this we'll just bone on the roof I swear we had a spiral bound notebook of idiot fucking plans for this thing Hey, man, use the handjob gondola. We talked about this.

Guys, you got to knock when I'm in the dingy. You got to put a scrunchy on the handjob gondola. By the way, Lake Lanier, there's a whole town down there. There's a whole town that they flooded. Yeah, fake lake, real dead people. Fake lake, real dead people. There's also a forest, by the way. So there's just trees down there and they don't really decompose down there.

so you can just walk around a forest under water, which is undoubtedly filled with the spirits of the damned. Oh, yeah. Who are hungry. Fuck. Aragorn's going to be like, all right. 1933 Georgia football. I summoned thee.

A bunch of fucking stolen F-150s come pouring out to swore over the orc army. Dude, does this army have swords? And of all the Georgia dudes see and all the Georgia dudes see in the, army of the dead come out and they're like oh that's sick how it's like lime green that's gravity's fucking badass man i'm saying about doing that dude it's like they got neon underneath their ass oh man look at the fucking graphics on them things hey where'd you get them if you know what the george army of the dead they're coming out with nothing but wrestling gear right no swords no shields it's just all chairs and baseball bats with barbed wire

10,000 ultimate warriors. There's shoulder pad spikes. Yeah, shoulder pad spikes. They're using all the gas, man. They're making it like a half mile. Yeah. We never did have much of a ground game. How are you dead and winded?

How no, man? You don't even have to breathe. Listen, man, I got COPD, all right? You can't discriminate against me. Oh, it's human, man. You're ethereal. You don't have skin. No, no, man.

It's corporeality processing disorder. I feel like I'm nothing but sweat and air. Hold on. Let's just get to the Zaxby's everybody. We'll go to the fancy coat machine. I had Zaxby's in like a hundred years. I need my strength. So I teach that ghost how to use the fancy coat machine.

Thank God for the resurrection. Am I right? That much salt's going to be deadly. A wet, dead person. Why is this part of the lake brackish? I don't have a body, but I'm still bloated. How's that work? All right.

You look great, Enoch. At Drew Pitt 1. A swan once attacked me and my friends while in a pedal boat. The fucking majestic swan. We made it to a mid-lake island where we were stranded for an hour. Turns out swans are just as big of assholes as geese just prettier swans can go to hell wow anybody who is road crew will tell you if the swans on the river just don't do not because there is nothing more baffling than fighting i think they're the

perfect size to be just threatening and confusing enough there's something about the exact size of a of a goose or a swan that's coming at you because i have fought with a goose and it is the most embarrassing thing you will ever do in your life i don't know if it's more embarrassing to getting and you're asked what by swan. I read this to my mom, and without missing a beat, she goes, oh, it's the neck. And I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, the longer the neck of a bird is, the less you want to fight it. And I just kind of looked at her.

She said, no, think about it, duck. Fine, goose, uh-uh. Swan, don't even go near it. Sure. Ostrich, run. Consider the ostrich, right? Yep, yep. I mean, yeah, like, I don't want to fight one.

It's just like, how do you explain it and make it sound tough, you know? You can't. You can't. That's the thing. How do you try to keep any dignity in that moment where this thing that is exactly like its ass is like eight inches off the ground, maybe a foot off the ground, and it is absolutely flustering you, right? It's all just like neck and feathers and your brain can't handle it. You go, yeah, I got a game plan against a swan, man. I'm just going to kick that thing's ass.

No, you don't. It's like, because it moves to, it's wrong. It's like, honestly, it's like you see exactly how the dude in Jurassic Park died, right? from like compies swarming him you're like no no no it'd just be flustering you'd be like what no no now i'm dead i think what happens while you're fighting the swan is like congratulations you're fighting a small ostrich that can swim that's horrible what happens when you try to explain it to your friends is they hear like oh so you'll fight to a big dove yeah to an ice sculpture which by the way this is at least the second disaster submission that we've had from a reader that it involves

One of y'all getting felled by not a large bird. So I just want to congratulate y'all. I will say I will never fault the swan or goose when it attacks a human in or near a body of water. Because I imagine the only thing the swan or goose is thinking is you have so much land. Go to your land. Get out of the water. You have all of the land. Why are you fucking with my water?

I have nothing. And you still have to come use it as a. recreation area you piece of shit just trying to get to the land at the bottom of the water sir yeah exactly i do have an animal related one that i want to go right ahead because in case because in case you think that a swan is the most outlandish thing to get your ass beat by it is not because war dang meg on twitter submitted something even more baffling like i understand the theatricality and terror of being attacked by a goose or a swan i do not get this i do not i do not know what you did to anger and rile up the fury of the noble sea cow but according to war dangmeg

did rowing in high school and one of my teammates got attacked by a manatee how i that's my question i love the lack of details there was explanation in a further tweet but i intentionally with help it good thank you you and i will not provide it here good i i mean that had to be the most gentle attack ever like oh this headbut so slow this beanbags attacking me it had to be like being attacked by cherry from from like peewee's playhouse right this this thing that eats cabbage very slowly is coming straight for me at two miles an hour that's on you if you get attacked by a manatee is what I'm saying okay it's just not that is on you that is the gentlest animal ever and has now I'm imagining some kind of scenario where the manatees and the hippos meet up at the reunion and the hippos are like you know the old man's been asking about you and the manatees like I said I would never go back to that life like manatees are just retired hippos like what I'm asking is are manatees hippos in which sec yes see a manatee with the sniper rifle something i could totally see in the state of

florida i have a license for this no that's the sheriff that's yeah that's howie he's in the hills a lot of howey's and yet not enough i'm going to keep this one close to uh close to our homes and read this story from tiger bates it is set on the chattahoochee oh boy in college says tiger bates one of my buddies had an internship in Atlanta and lived in an apartment on the chatahoochee for those of you outside georgia it's a river get some alan jackson in your blood live right we all decided to visit our buddy one weekend and here's a commute for you tube from a place further up the river to his apartment at what we judged to be somewhere between the halfway and three quarter points a massive thunderstorm appeared on the horizon we said fuck it and kept going as the wind wasn't blowing in our direction we here comes a spot where there's just a blank in the story and i'm going to skip

right past it. We passed the spot where people who have rent tubes have to get out, but thought nothing of it and kept going. Why? My plane arrived at my destination, but I simply stayed on. I just stayed on. It just chilled. You got me hung up at but fought nothing of it. Okay. There is no further explanation anywhere in the story. The wind shifted. My friends and I all ran and swam to the bank as fast as we could as lightning struck what seemed impossibly close to us several times. We then had to climb a steep wooded embankment to the highway and walk back to the park where we had seen everyone else get out. Upon arriving back at the park, we learned that the reason everybody gets out there is that we were approaching a waterfall and a thunderstorm probably

saved our lives. Sounds like somebody learned a lot about living. and a little bit about high voltage and a little bit about gravity it's working I'm just guessing by the way as Tiger Bates that this person is an LSU fan and they're just not used to water moving that fast I was going to say Clemson interesting

Clemson yeah that may be a Clemsonite too which I without looking I'm just going to say Auburn because they're lakebound right uh put me down for princeton lack of practical knowledge assumption of immortality yeah yeah that fits the ivy league um i know these i think people have at various times asked us to do uncle disasters and our frequent all disasters are uncles right but i have a story here that proves that that's not necessary but it's a all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles or squares kind of thing

and this is from The Beech on Twitter. I have two aunts who not so secretly duel to be the fun one. Aunt one convinced Aunt Two to try starting her Fourth of July Stars and Stripes water ski outing, a tradition at our family cabin, off the dock instead of out on the water, saying it was, quote, easy and she'd, quote, have no problem with it. Aunt Two took the obvious bait,

and our family got to see her beam with pride as the boat revved up. and then saw her gloriously face plant slash scorpion into the water and emerge covered in weeds. By the grace of God, we got pictures that live on to this day. I love the idea of ants trying to be the fun one and just sabotaging each other for fuck decades. Yeah, those are some fire ants. can i uh can i can i can i can i can i talk some exploding submarine toilets please do i wish you would yeah yeah this is i claimed most of by the time i got to these most of them were involving like poop and puke and bodily injury and thank you thank you for understanding my personal

brand that deeply that you left these because they're all mine at john lawson 32 oh my god submarine toilets flush into a sanitation tank let me tell you i know we're on a heater because we start with the two words that excite me most in this whole thing submarine toilets flush into a sanitation tank occasionally while underway these tanks get blown out in the ocean doing this creates a ton of pressure dolphins must be so pissed dolphins must hate us yeah but like all those crabs on the bottom are like yeah baby here comes. Catfish are like, oh, here comes

the buffet. The buffet is open. Thank you, Lubies. USA! USA! They're down there playing missile command. Waiting for tonight. Oh. They just seem like Jennifer Lopez fans. No, Spencer, keep singing.

Crabbs singing Jennifer Lopez on the bottom of the ocean as a United States submarine voids its septic tanks over their head and they celebrate scenarios you only get on the best college football podcast and the only college football podcast on these internets so doing this creates a ton of pressure in the entire system and signs are hung up that say danger blowing sanitary tanks do not flush you can still use this toilet while this is happening just don't flush until the blow is finished easy you might think don't invite the pressure of the rest of the entire ocean into your septic system would be clear enough well we had a guy who was tired super tired and he saw the signs but either it didn't register or he forgot I will let you imagine what it looks like when a submarine sanitation tank under full pressure so it could be emptied back flows explosively into the head and all over a machinist mate third class who definitely knew better and scored himself

some extra cleanup duty that's listen don't don't don't don't mess with poseidon that's the worst part if you are in pretty much any other branch of the armed forces you can desert like if you're in the army and you have this you have this like exploding bathroom you can just walk and be like i know i'm going to get court martial for it but like i don't have to be be here for this like the golf disasters buddy who uh couldn't weld the golf cart back together and he just clocked out and left yeah yeah but but you're on a submarine there's nowhere to run yeah like even in the air force if you don't like the poop situation eject you could just go sit on the outside of the plane and hold on very tight you can't do that in a sub though because

you probably drown yeah they should have some not they should have some tiny piece of the submarine which is designated as non-military section tiny little territory Right? What is that? That's where you could go AWOL for a minute if you have to. I'm going, don't talk to me. Don't look at me. And they're so cramped that it would be like, you know, one square foot. I need an emotional AWOL NATPA. Yeah, the emotional AWOL NATPOD. What is it?

Just go climb into that old torpedo tube for a minute. There's already someone in there, but he's working. Yeah, he's working. But he won't talk to you. No, you just take a moment. He knows, he knows. It's SkyLap, Carl. He's very friendly.

And you go AWOL for a minute. We've got, listen, there's a couple of little golden books in there. If you want to read them, the kids' books, they're great. Some ritz crackers with peanut butter way in there. And when you're ready, you just come back to the Navy, all right? You just slide out. When you're ready, you make a loud sound and will pull you out by your ankles so you don't have to do any work as you reenter the land of the enlisted. Joe Biden, I know that you're a big fan of this podcast.

I don't know if you have a secretary of the Navy picked out. But I'd like to nominate pretty much all of us. You should just be able to call Oprah from in there. That should be like the only phone that connects to Oprah's house and is available all the time. Open, be like, listen, sorry, Harry, sorry, Meg. I got to talk to this guy who wants to go AWOL in a submarine. It's this thing I have to do for the United States for the good. Yeah.

Oprah, I'm so tired of this can. Hey there. Don't let me out. Did you flush when you weren't supposed to flush? I did. Yeah. You know that's the pressure of being underwater, 800 feet going through the entire... I know, Oprah!

Yeah, I know all about pressure, Oprah. You're not a bad person. Dr. Phil does it every week. You're a bad sailor, but you're not a bad person. Oh, yeah, this is how Oprah makes up to the rest of us from mainstreaming anti-vaxers. Yeah. That's it. This is her penance for that.

She owes us. Yeah. Yeah, and then like after 20 minutes of that, you come out and you're like, I'm good, talk to Oprah, had some grits crackers. Also, man, because it's Oprah. I feel really bad even for just saying that she owes us. Oh, wait. There's one thing we haven't put in the AWOL tube of shame.

Headphones? A comfortable home field sweatshirt, of course. Bang! Is it a Navy sweatshirt? It's not a Navy sweatshirt because it has to be a civilian sweatshirt. Yeah, it's the most landlubber. Michigan State. Yeah.

No, that would make anybody feel better. Well, Michigan State, guys who saw boats from Persia coming and were just stood there, like, oh, this will be fine. Boat doesn't even have arms. Boats are fake. Yeah, boat, boat doesn't have any biceps. Yeah. That would fit because what do you do with the sweatshirt?

You come and take it. Damn. So we'll put a comfy homefield sweatshirt into the AWOL tube, maybe in Iowa State. maybe a rice owl maybe a Hawaii is too nautical can't do that Creighton Creighton would work I think by the way if it's if it's a submarine like the SSN California you know you put a California school then maybe you put a San Diego Azte yeah is this a Zott situation a Zott situation yes you put we'll put we'll put the Zat the surfing Zod on there and that'll make you laugh and you'll be

like hey silly the sea doesn't have to be so serious that's That's right. The sea can be fun when you're not covering yourself in naval poop. Yeah. Look at you out there. If you have your own AWOL corner at home, you also can appoint it with a comfortable home field sweatshirt or T-shirt of your choosing. Homefield Magic is all around you right now in the NCAA tournament.

Georgetown winning the Big East tournament for the first time and forever. Florida State did not win the ACC, but I'm fine with that. Indiana fired their coach magic everywhere and that magic extends to you listener because you can get 20% off your first order

at homefield apparel.com when you use the offer code fullcast and you know what? If naval life is really that hard for you they got army gear you could go so far from the sea cuddle up with your army sweat shirt the ocean can never hurt you now

because you'll shoot it can i can i say shouts out to every indiana fan by the way who uh when their coach got fired and to our favorite indiana fan yeah yeah who immediately named for business reasons yeah who stayed off their phone like when their hated coach got fired and who immediately were like i'm taking my phone putting it in a safety deposit box and i i will come back for it in a week i'll come back to the bank and they'll let me have it in a week when i've gotten all this out of my system. Come home, Tom Crean.

It's time. Come home, we're dad. All is forgiven, Coach. Tom, cream, we know you're accidentally listening to this as you stroll through your athletic department offices. Get on back up here. Your pants are really great, coach. This next tale comes to us from Spaced underscore God.

And I believe that username because we used to go on cruises as a family. Every year something bad. happened. First, I sat next to a corpse. Stop! Stop! Stop! Then the person at the table next to us jumped. Way heard! No, wait. Does that... We got to keep moving.

A number of questions. We stopped going on cruises after my dad got medevacked and we got held at gunpoint somewhere in Belize. Did those things happen on the same trip or different... There's no telling, man. I'm just reading the text in front of me. Thank you, space. God for taking on that like that's like a entire five season TV series this is like when you read the Wikipedia for a scary movie that you don't want to see but you want to know what happens

and it's just really sloppily done so you can't actually tell what the plot of the movie yeah I think we just read the simple wiki version yeah we all just seen hereditary this is yeah this is uh Belize midsummer so if you'd like to take a cruise to Belize you're going to need to save up, aren't you, folks? First, I sat next to a corpse. So I sat next to a corpse. I don't know. And then the person at the table next to was jumped, which, like, I probably would do

too if I was on a cruise and there's a corpse right next to me. I'm done with this cruise. I'm confident if we talk to Space God's family, they would say, we've never been on a cruise in our flight. Yes, but space God. Or this, or this, if it's something like, we stop going

on cruise after my dad got Medevast. And you're like, that's actually your dad getting in, like, hawk to a drug lord and owing him a lot of money. And that's why you got held at gunpoint, believe. You guys, what if we call Space God's family? And they're like, space gods have a dead for 30 years. Hell yes. He jumped off a cruise ship. Space god was the corpse.

And then they put him on a seat on the cruise ship as a corpse. Space God, we love you. Yeah, I'm sorry. That happened to you, man. And Space God, if you'd like to go on a cruise again, all right? You're going to save a little money, I assume. Let me tell you. about acorns.com slash fullcast saving and investing app where if you do that magical slash

thing i just said you get five dollars start off with it's not going to pay for i mean it might pay for cruise i don't do people go on cruises right i'm sure people go on cruises right now there no one cares about anything but uh yeah so how it works is you just dump money in it you just just keep dumping money in it nickels and times um maybe a few dollars if you like and uh then the market takes over the free invisible hand of the market and eventually you retire at age 136 or so thanks to acorns.com slash fullcast I've earned 58 cents on acorns.com slash

fullcast. Damn. You can too. Y'all, you know how much money I made today in my acorns investment account? None because your younger son siphoned at all. We're going to do an update on

siphon gate and see if my younger son has a siphon gauzee, please. Let's move on. Ciphon gate has been Richard Nixon hired a shitload of octopi to hack the Democratic National Convention. Oh, they're deeply prejudiced, but very effective. Can we go with Q-Syphon?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the Q-Syphon scandal at the moment, by the way, for some reason, a dollar more has grown in the gap. For some reason. A dollar. A dollar.

If my younger son has figured out how to siphon out of his early account, he's doing it very gradually a slow leak an indetectable leak no one will notice as I slowly order more and more paw patrol gear that's that's what he's that's what he's doing and then once I amass enough

paw patrol gear I overthrow my dad that's it I need four chase figures which is the coo dog oh definitely the one that's a fireman yeah it's the fireman and the bulldog The Bulldog is the worker, the construction. He's the proletariat.

Sure, right, right. Rubble is definitely that. Also, also because Rubble is going to be a patsy, who's inevitably going to be pushed out of the power structure as the firefighter. Oh, yeah. Meet our new dog, Hoonta. Yeah. That's a cute name.

That's, he seems very, very untrustworthy. No, no, he's fine. Also, I have, I have wanted to say, I have crossed an acorns Rubicon. I got the big ass metal card. It's on the way. And it's happening. So my big metal debit card that I presume when I slap it down will make the noise of financial authority and wisdom wherever I spend is on the way. A normal ad read.

Yeah, we did it. Who's next? I mean, we said, hunta. Okay, I'll jump on one. This is from at B. Conway 2. At Notre Dame, there's an annual event called the Fisher Regatta. Dorm takes a boat and races it across the lake on campus. My dorm, my dorm created basically a basketball court barge, complete with those

play school hoops. It took us like a week to make the damn thing, and it weighed probably close to a ton. After 20 people carried the thing down to the shore, I think it was decided that six could be on the court for a three-on-three game to take place in the middle of the lake. Unsurprisingly, the thing sank about two minutes into the match and had to be towed by the Notre Dame equivalent of the Coast Guard. Wait, way, wait, wait. Let's go back to that.

Toad by the what now? Yep, yep. You see why I put it in here now, don't you? You thought it was just a silly basketball boat story. But then we got to this confusing the Notre Dame. All right, let's go ahead and Google it. Notre Dame Coast Guard. Oh, my God.

So every campus has campus police. Does every campus, like, Nebraska have Coast Guard? Does every campus have Coast Guard? Coast guards guard people is there an admiral of the nebraska coast guard please say there is i i i can't tell all right i don't think there's a notre dame coast guard does like does like bowling green have the space force hall monitors that can swim that's what i see i see like i see people writing you parking tickets while you're swimming yes right writing you a ticket for swimming in the lake where you're not supposed to be swimming that's what they would be doing

right down in front i would like to i would like to go to yet another one of my beautiful puking stories from at giddell kaiser i'm like seven or eight pacific ocean sea fishing trip me and dad in a group we know no one else someone catches a shark which is cool small tiger shark dude had never done it before guide started marking or carving the shark up between the roughish waters and the sights of guts and blood i puke all over the shark which is still kind of alive and snapping at us its reaction is to snap and thrash so hard my puke flies everywhere i want you to think about all the bad things that can happen to you in life chances are you're never going to be a tiger shark whose last memories on earth are spiteful snapping

while you're covered in some kids puke that's how he went out was like oh come on the majestic tiger shark this is not what a story to tell in tiger shark hell though yeah so i'm sitting there and they're carving me up and the kid is just unload lunch on me and i'm just and i'm just like oh yeah get ready to get this back in your face i'm not sure if i buy this as a disaster for our reader at all because he just said that they knew no one there if it wasn't for him and his dad nobody else would know this story either you know what if he's one of those kids though who always puked at the exact wrong moment and the dad's there with all these people he doesn't know and he's not having a real good time and he's like these people are kind of lame and all of a sudden

the kid starts puking all over a thrashing tiger shark and he's like it's your moment kid this is your time this is finally a valuable lesson that it can always get worse yeah let us be perfectly clear though if you are doing I know like none of us have done this in a year but as we start to maybe slowly emerge from society in the future if you go to any vacation event or any like tourism group thing and there is a seven or eight year old around you are tacitly consenting to maybe get puked on by a seven to eight year old that's just how it works like if you don't want to get puked on by a kid don't get on a boat with a kid yeah shark man what's the flip side of that though like if you're around like

i know how would i know how a coach would address this to the shark don't put yourself in that situation that's right don't bite it you know he passed in the hooks you don't have to worry about whether to kick the tying field goal or go for two at the end of the game if you had scored earlier damn that's a good point yeah that's why i was a small tiger shark he was never going to get pig should have kept your head on a swivel you can't you're a shark your whole body is your head yeah but his whole body is the swivel not not outside of the ocean it's not fair point that's the shark got out of position that's the old

ultimate lesson here stay in your lane the ocean play assignment football the ocean your assignment is the ocean not the boat yeah yeah that's what the birds are for the birds are gonna shit all over the boat stupid ass shark you had the entire rest of the ocean to eat something in but you clamp down on that guy like that's just bad sorry that's just bad assignment that's bad judgment yeah what's a horse leg doing out the middle of the ocean Seemed too good to be true, didn't it? There's probably a reason. The ultimate play fake.

Could have had a license plate. Could have had a tire. Could have had half a, could have a half a rodded seal. On the option. Could have had one of the millions of fish that live in the ocean. You know the expression? You ever heard the expression shark? There's plenty of fish in the sea.

You know what it's describing? This exact situation. A horse leg in the hand is worth two horse legs the bush the most disturbing thing somebody on deck could have said would be looking at the shark and go my grandfather died the same way it's how he would have wanted to go caught on a hook carved up by strangers thrashing and strangers puke was this the revenge killing like is this like that's the shark that puked him my granddad did he eat him no worse the shark puked on him i do wish i do wish that in thrashing the shark had jumped clean off the boat

and gone straight to the ocean and talked shit for for the rest of its life guys that boat sucks don't know on that one oh i got puked on it sucked oh look at him this guy his name's puke now the shark his friend's called him puk now i'm gonna go put interesting stuff in my stomach for a diver to find later it'll be hilarious it'd be awesome all right i got another wildlife for story here from Robotator. What an excellent username. Damn. There are numerous stories. To be clear, this does not have wildlife revenge in the story as it exists. I just feel like it's probably coming to play at some point. Here's Robotator.

There are numerous stories about my great-grandfather taking a canoe out into the middle of the lake, tracking down some buffalo fish and attempting to catch them by jumping off the canoe onto their backs and bear-hugging them. Unclear on if it weren't. Doubtful, says Robotator. But the amount of stories about it indicates to me that he tried this many times over a couple decades.

God. You majestic man, Robotator. No offense, but I hope the buffalo fish came for that man. What is the plan? because in the water you can't pin the fish it's not like the fish is going to tap out you're not

I mean not with that attitude is this a situation like is this a love of the game scenario I guess so I'm just here for the journey I just I don't understand the physics of jumping on a fish and successfully quote unquote catching it like how does that work

well all right first of all let me let me put the frame here like they can be three to four feet long so this is appreciate that it's a big fucking fish i mean don't you kind of want to like it was a small one got that bastard in my hand i mean belly flopping on top of a striped baths you say is the fish gonna tap out and the answer is yeah in like in the water i mean you're gonna win whatever wait wait wait wait way way way way you are in the water you have

Successfully bear hugged a fish, but again, you are in the water Spencer can breathe under water. He just can't swim I just can't swim Oh, he's walking. Oh, he's Poseidon. This makes more sense. He's like he's like Aquaman, but he walks like walk. Yeah, aquaman. I'm going I'm going clear to the bottom like a sexy gollum. I'm just like I have some notes. Yeah. And that's, that's your, what, when you say when, you're going to like swim, you're either going to get it to the boat, right? How? How will you do that?

This is so confident. Have you never, have you never seen anybody like hand fish or go into the water after a fish before? That's not the same thing. It doesn't have 100% success rate. It definitely doesn't. But there's a challenge to it. You're talking about a, I assume you're talking about fish that somebody could hold in their hands, not bear hugged like it's a fucking ottoman that fell in the lake. I've never seen anything.

I've never seen anybody go up for like. Randy Orton of fish was in the ocean and I was dragging it out, but I was going to win for sure. Also, have you ever, okay, have any of you ever been to scout camp? Have you ever done canoe drills? Do you know how hard it is to get back into a tipped over canoe? Yeah, this is a fish momentum against the fish will carry you into the boat. I know Lake Judo, it's fine. Put the fish in the canoe and then just let the fish just thrashing toe you back to.

Yeah, like Thor throwing his hammer, that's what you do. You just heave the fish up there and it'll, yeah, it'll work. Oh, my God. I say this because I'm prepping you because I know people. You say this because you have no sense of wildlife. I know people who have done this. I know you. What?

This, yeah, and I'm pretty sure my brother has done this. No, I'm sorry. No, we're going to be a lot more information about this. What is this standing in for here? So I had this five foot fish in the in the sharpshooter at the bottom of the lake. I mean, not at the bottom, but you know, setting it up, setting it up top, sure. Trying to get it to the shore so you could rock bottom it. Come on.

so i'm going to take this back i'm going to take this back to anybody who's played animal crossing because your opportunity to combine fish wrestling and animal crossing in real life the fishing documentary animal crossing because guess guess what has appeared in florida waters that is correct the 10 foot the 10 foot long arabaiima i'm gonna wrestle it what is it yeah yeah that's it we're totally gonna wrestle air paima it's got a body like a gar but like exponentially bigger oh yeah i could wrestle those are the proportions yeah no problem yeah i mean it is a whopper it is 10 feet long it is a monster and it doesn't eat fish real often it sticks to things like birds lizards and small mammals which means somebody's dog or

cats gonna be eaten by an era paima and then you have a revenge story and then you can wait over the bridge with your elbow cock like your randy macho man savage and you can just go off that bridge on that sucker elbow it so you want to go john wick on a fish when the get yeah and when the game warden says what were you doing you're like i was getting i was getting back from a bro that's that's my defense anyway says you're doing that's the best you got yeah are you are you wearing a singlet when this happens yes i'm saying i'm thinking i'm back and waders a singlet and waiters you know what folks he seems confident i'm gonna allow this the game board would know it was up though if you saw you going off

in the randy macho man savage glasses and a singlet off the bridge onto an arabayama going oh yeah it'd be like yeah no i understand i don't know wait you brought an animal crossing because that's the only reason you know what an arabima is that is correct era i knew what an arabima was because i saw it and i was like thank you weird japanese video game you have completely prepared me for florida's for the real life world of wrestling fish I mean, they do this all the time in Animal Cross, you can't be that hard. I got bells for you, motherfucker.

I'm going to the zoo to start fights because I beat Pokemon. Either you have. Fuck you, polar bear. Your honor, it very clearly says I got to catch them all. I don't understand what crime has been committed there.

See, if I sell this to the weird beaver before 8 p.m i get double bells for it i've heard that about you somebody please read something else because i can't let i like i love where this is going either you understand the urge to like jump from a bridge onto a 10 foot tall fish or you don't the argument did you just say i was 10 feet tall that's not even what fish oh god home field oh god damn it we already did it oh shit we've already played all our

get out of story cards Oh, it's fine. All right. At Sam Broy. Sophomore year of friends' parents were out of town. My buddy Rylan over did it. Pass out early on the deck. Rylan?

Rylan. At 3 a.m. we hear hollering. He's in the hot tub with the cover pulled over him. Naturally, we asked why. And he replied, quote, You goddamn Minnesotans out here trying to watch me in my swim. trunks and that ain't all right with me we live in northwest washington so was he trying to use the cover as a blanket i think i think he was using it as like a privacy guard

yes i think he i think this man this boy passed out now yeah he passed out on a deck decided that that was the problem was that um that didn't have the level of privacy he needed and so he crawled into a hot tub and put the cover over him as if it was some sort of Lazarus pit i guess ooh Lazarus tub fuck this will help I know what he was thinking though he was real drunk and he found something vaguely comforting and he was just thinking this will make it better I don't know if you've been there, I suspect you have, where you just find one thing, and you're like, this box of rice crackers will help. This is what Thomas Edison did, basically.

This is fine. This chair is a good chair. That's actually a park bench. It's a great couch. It feels good on my skin. God. No, I get this. It didn't work.

He's still going. I know. I get this story. You kept all of them fine. Here's another one. At C.K. Stoop Kid. On my first day as a lifeguard at my hometown's public pool, I saved two people, both of whom told me they could not swim while jumping off the diving board.

I also confess- Spencer, congratulations on your second appearance in today's episode. Maybe there was a huge fish in the pool. I also confiscated a, quote, life jacket made of coat hangers and two-liter sprite bottles. Hit. Yes. Were the coat hangers running through the bottles puncturing the sides? Yes. Yes, they were. Awesome. You know, God or nature or whatever put us here and was like, here you go. You're on land. You're safe. There's water. You need some of it to drink. You will find other uses for it. Just try not to drown. And ever since then, we have been figuring out new and creative ways to drown or almost drown. Hey God, in the words of the hit single Lone Star, what about now? I would like to discuss parts of people, which is a part of this story. Wow. What? Yeah. This is Peter Olthoff 11 writes in and says, tubing on a small lake in Michigan, uncle driving the boat like he stole it, probably did. His wife and my mom doing dueling tubes when the uncle does.

does multiple donuts at the center of the lake, creating a maelstrom of crosswaves. Riders fly off and collide midair, breaking off a piece of mom's knee. Wow. What? Yeah. Broke off. I need visuals. Yeah.

I mean, is this just a kneecap flying out? Wait, is this a breaking off a piece of a kneecap inside your knee? Because I've done that. Oh, no. Here's mom C3PO. Okay, cool. yeah his mom is a yager she's just shedding parts like she's fighting a kaiju yeah the best moms are in a love yeah that's wow that's amazing and of course an uncle literally at the center of this

story perfect thank you peter i'm going to do another one here that i felt a personal personal kinship with uh and i appreciate y'all letting me just proclaim myself both the masters of fire and water. This is from Legend of SM. Drunk body surfing off the coast of South Carolina while Hurricane Sandy churned off the coast. I got planted like a lawn dart into the beach. My brother-in-law broke a rib. Has this ever happened to any of you, Floridians, whilst surfing, bogeyboarding, or anything? It has happened to me at Canaveral. I got knocked off my board and basically picked up and deposited directly onto one of those one of those sandbars that's just shells and my mother's sitting in a chair on the beach and I sit up and I was like hi mom and she's

screaming and I can't figure out why and I run through the shadows and I get up to her and she's just pointing at me and I guess I couldn't feel it because shells are pretty shells are pretty fine you know when you cut yourself with a razor you don't necessarily feel it right away I look down and like my knees are just ribbons of flesh anyway that's fun yeah this doesn't this doesn't happen in the gulf as much i know people say the gulf is better and i don't get that the gulf you're more likely to like step on a knife that somebody left on the beach yeah you do that in my backyard yeah or hit a car i've got to leave home for that

i have a request jason can i just can i request the the water skiing one you have the water skiing one You have the water skiing one, and I read it, and I cried laughing, reading it, and I'm going to cry laughing, hearing it. That's from FreeVee. Free Vee. Yeah. Free Vee. Oh, okay.

Oh, so I chose this one because of the first, like, six words, and I haven't read the whole thing yet. From Free Vizi. At a Catholic summer camp in Tampa, that was last selected it. Awesome. We got thunder out here. Perfect timing. Also, I have a spinoff of this. At a Catholic summer camp in Tampa and decided.

at age 10, this North Carolina boy should finally learn how to ski, despite my fear of embarrassing myself in front of the local girls. I got the skis on my feet, my body in position, and prepared my tiny body for the force that was about to come. Against all odds, I got up on the skis, and my sheer joy

was instantly ruined by my trunks ripping to my ankles, dick just a swing in. I never got in that lake again. No. Just the 10-year-old 10 year old member

Just Flaping her Now he had to Just be so upright too Trying to hold on with one hand That's a moment in life Where you have no ability To deal with it at all

You're just like can't even start to react Possibly prepare for this situation What could have prepared him? The best part as the person driving the boat probably didn't look back for five or ten seconds right? Is his dick out?

Looks like he's signaling us. Listen, I work in a Catholic summer camp in Tampa. I've seen a lot of dicks come out on ski day, all right? You got to be more clear with your signal there, pal. You hope to speed up. I'm real glad he didn't, but I totally understand it to be like and then I died like what happened well what I did was I chose to evaporate

now I sunk to the bottom of the lake and now I pull in swimmers who aren't paying attention and I feast on their flesh I dove down to find my shorts and I'm still searching for them imagine gathering with your counselors and campmates that night and being asked about a time when your faith in God has been tested yeah I got to be honest this would affirm my faith in God because you got out there being like I don't want to embarrass myself in front of girls and God was like I definitely heard that I super heard that

I think God's like girls huh you're thinking about the lust and the flesh and all that stuff well that's never going to happen for you 10's little young for that isn't it sir speaking of God I would like to share the the Bible's greatest boat disaster

you might be thinking Noah, no, that turned out great, better than expected. Tell us the good news. Once, so, so, you know, Noah, that turns out a little bit better than the original plans called for. You might be thinking, Jonah, no, that turned out great, too. He delivered the message and then pouted because the message worked. The greatest boat disaster in the Bible comes from the New Testament, from the book of Acts, which is quite possibly the funniest book in the whole Bible.

And I'm not sure if this is even a top five funny moment in the book, but it's pretty good. So this is well after Jesus leaves, and he leaves, you know, Peter and the boys are in charge. And they're sitting around like, all right, what are we going to do? And then this dude, Paul shows up like, hey, hey, I had a weird dream. Now I'm in charge. And they're like, dude, a month ago, you're trying to kill us. And he's like, yeah, it was a crazy dream. And they're like, okay, you can be, we're going to be in charge right here.

And you can be in charge of the whole rest of the world. How that sound, Paul. And Paul's like, okay, cool. And Paul sprints off to go spread the gospel all the around. You're our recruiting coordinator. Have fun. Yeah, yeah. Just do anything, but leave us alone. You are deeply obnoxious. This is a theme that is hammered over and over and over throughout the New Testament is how obnoxious Paul is. That's sort of how we've described him on. I think he's probably our favorite Bible guy on the show. The ultimate poster. This man. So, like, as he's doing these adventures all around the Mediterranean going around to towns and like either converting people or getting kicked out or both or like being smuggled out or just all these crazy adventures, he's also writing like a tenth of the Bible. Just, you know, no big deal. So Acts 27, North of the very, near the very end of the story. Paul has pissed off the entire Mediterranean. He's a prisoner of the Romans.

They can't figure out what to do with him. They've tried shipping him back to the Judeans, but he was so obnoxious that all he did was make them fight each other. The whole Mediterranean's into stalemate over what to do with this guy. So the Romans are shipping him all around the place on prisonerships, and there's a big winter storm rolls in while they're near some harbors. Does Paul lay low? Does Paul decide to just chill? Paul has never Churchill. Acts 2710, Prisoner Paul advises the Romans who are his captors, saying, sirs, I can see that the voyage will be with danger in much heavy loss. And they're like, no shit, it's a winter storm. And there's a big debate about where to dock, they're by the island of Crete. And they're like throwing stuff overboard. And there's like three days, and it's getting worse. And then prisoner Paul stands up to give a speech to all 275 people on the ship. You should have listened to me, but it's cool because an angel told me, you know, we'll all be okay. because the angel is like, Paul, you're going to go talk to Emperor Nero. So everyone who's with me will be fine.

And like Paul has this big goal. Emperor Nero is like the final boss for Paul. So they sail into the open sea, two weeks pass, and they're close to this tiny island beside Malta. And at that point, prisoner Paul is, he's somehow become the captain of the ship, telling him exactly when to drop anchor and when to eat and how much more stuff to throw overboard. They strike a reef, they run ashore, and the ship is ruined. But they made it to land. And the Roman soldiers wanted to just kill all the prisoners because, like, you know, Paul is very obnoxious.

But then one of them, a centurion, is like, actually, we should keep them all because Paul is pretty useful, even though he talks all the time. But the castaways are setting up camp, and Paul is bitten by a snake, right? And everyone's probably like, great, problem solved. We'll never hear from him again. But Paul just throws the snake into the fire and keeps preaching. And they're like, oh, shit, he's still talking. Probably saying the exact same stuff he's been saying for 17 whole days now. and then he just hangs out for three months

and does some healings and whatever and they all start to think he's a god which is kind of counterproductive eventually he makes it to Rome and just keeps fucking preaching and the story ends before he actually meets Emperor Nero and that goes great Emperor Nero kills him

at least according to tradition and yeah but these days there is not much left on this island the one Paul landed on according to the internet a farmer lived there but he left during world war two and there used to be snails and rabbits but they died off and there used to be a snake but paul threw it into a fire um so 1950 years after paul shipwrecked just about the only thing on

paul's boat disaster island is a statue of paul damn probably that's animal crossing his shit yeah yeah oh yeah he's the islander that everybody keeps trying to pass off like oh god please please take paul here's your new friend paul and now he's just there he's just the mayor of that island forever and everyone's like good don't go there um i had one one import boat disaster that i solicited strictly doing like like going okay who's like the scariest boat disaster that i can think of in my universe and it came to me at 630 this morning when i was as one does reading about the Lake Peña disaster, if you're familiar with this. This would be a lake that had a salt mine underneath it in Iberia Parish in Louisiana.

And then what? So there was a big salt mine underneath it, but in case there wasn't enough messing around with Mama Nature, they decided to see if maybe there was oil underneath it. Well, oil rigs have to drill to find oil and to prospect, and there was a salt mine. underneath it and the oil rig messed up and what in all likelihood happened was that the oil rig drill bit got stuck and put a hole in the roof of the salt mine the water immediately began to blast through the 14-inch hole in the roof of the mine flooding the entire mine and effectively draining the entire 1,125 acre lake, which did so dramatically by sucking down 11 barges, the entirety of the lake, a sink, creating a sinkhole so big, it sucked down every tree around the island, and over 65 acres of the surrounding terrain. Wait, when you say sucked in terrain?

Yeah, just like mud, just in just in just what they figured out was about 65 acres. of mud draining the entire lake over the course of a couple of days so powerfully that the canal that emptied into the lake reversed causing salt water from the gulf to rush in creating a 164-foot waterfall the tallest in the history of the state of louisiana going back into the lake and then when the whole thing burped it shot up 400-foot geysers okay that's all terrified but when this was happening okay and there was an entire lake just going down into hell okay there was a man fishing on the lake and his name his name is amazing okay because it is iberia parish and he does have an extremely cajian name his name was leonce viator junior and his nephew they were on it

and he saw it and said i said something is wrong the fish were really jumping and it turns out that's because they were being sucked down into the mine and he decided i said give that boat all the gas she can swallow and let's get out of here said viador somebody filmed him and he was running through the mud flat away from it and could feel the thing sucking him down uh and then he finally gunned the motor and cleared it this man this man is the king of louisiana because anybody else outrun and then entire sinkhole that sucked down a whole lake and caused the Gulf of Mexico to flow into the lake. Nope. Nope. Only, only Leonus Viator Jr. King of Louisiana. That, that dude's my hero.

By the way, I saw a documentary with him doing an interview, and he was wearing a hat that had a custom, like a custom knit baseball cap that said, I survived Lake Pinior on it, wearing it in the documentary worry about lake pin york you're a king layoffs hope you're doing well thank you sir i like how we can hear some rain now yeah we finally got aquatic uh accouturement going on yeah um all right i'll do this one from trash squatch dad had a friend with a boat when i was about six we all went out on the lake with him dad's friend took took us over awake sent us all flying a few inches off the metal seats terrifying, but I had a blast.

We get home, and mom tells me and my little brother that she has to take dad to the ER. We can't fathom why, and are left with our grandparents. Mom picks us up a while later and tells us that dad broke his tailbone. Brother and I chant, Daddy broke his butt all the way home into the apartment house. Until mom gives us the look like we had never seen that shut us up immediately. Dad's tailbone healed eventually, but I can't say the same for his friendship.

I wonder exactly how the chant went because like I feel like the obvious is like daddy broke his butt sure yeah like it could have been like somber sure you know daddy broke his butt daddy broke his butt it could be one of the like the uh the 90s techno monks, you know? That's what I had. I had this like Techno-Gregorian monk, right? Yeah. Daddy-broken song. It's my favorite Enia song.

Yeah. Some woman talking over it in French. De moi. You're saying, Daddy broke his, hang on, hang on. Whoops. Typo's. I would. Papa a sase le Cien, my ex.

I think it's also translating the words in French. I want to continue. I'm going to finish up my trilogy of Maritime Poop Disasters. This is from at UW Ferris. I was hired to lifeguard for a triathlon. The job was to sit on a paddle board for two hours, let people catch their breath on the board, and occasionally make a rescue.

Main rule, once the racers were swimming, No one was allowed to leave their spot until every racer was out. Unfortunately, for me, I very suddenly came down with what turned out to be norovirus right after the starting gun. I had to sit there making small talk with strangers who couldn't leave because they might actually drown while I repeatedly shat my pants. This man, listen. According to either Spencer or Ryan, I can't remember. That's not a problem, right? It's Spencer.

It was Spencer who said it. Wow. I think that was right. Ryan doesn't remember after everything he said on this show are you telling me you think Spencer was why wouldn't I own it why wouldn't I own it? Wow I've said all this other out there's wild why wouldn't I own it he's Kaiser so saying you he's going to walk away at the end of this and walk straight to the ocean and poop in it walk away with shit in his pants yeah like this why would

I take Spencer's side yeah I don't know this is the exception proving the rule You should answer that question. What if we all accuse each other in a big square of being the one who poops? Mexican shit off. I want to congratulate UW Ferris, by the way. Most of the time, you know, people pay a lot of money to go sit out in the middle of the ocean and contract neurovirus. You did it for free. He got paid to do it.

He got paid to do it. Yeah, just sitting out there a one-man cruise ship. just ecological disaster for one a carnival of one is there any story by the way that it like evoked less pity than like oh yes the poop boat the poop cruise

that you know there's a massive norovirus outbreak and you're like that's pretty unpleasant then again you did get on a boat with a bunch of people who needed to poop I mean you're the one who got on a boat called the poop cruise yeah come on You're the one who is like, what can go wrong in a closed system with people eating constantly like swine on a boat?

Hey, speaking of which, we have another houseboat story in here that we have not covered yet from Nick Wallstar, a bachelor party on a houseboat on Lake Cumberland in Kentucky. I'm in. Previously unjustified. I'm guessing it's the morning after the main event of the bachelor party. People still slowly waking up, sipping on coffee or Bloody Marys. One buddy is already on his third tequila. He jumps in the water, and the cops use a megaphone to tell him he needs a life jacket.

He cusses them out and throws a football at them. The cops cuff him in their boat and head towards our boat. assume they will ticket him and let him go but our guy slips out of the cops and dives back in he is swimming as fast as he can the cops still have a boat so they coast next to him until he gets tired we had to pick him up a day later. Oh, man. Do you just want to get back in the boat? No.

Do you just want to get back in the boat? No. Play the baby driver's soundtrack. This is awesome. They're like, they've literally cut the engine just bobbing next to it. Do you want to get back in now? 10 minutes later, you all get, now! Let's also go back to the...

I have prepared to announce the terms of my surrender. The inciting event here. The inciting event. I will be provided one towel. The cops did not say get out of the water. They did not say stop drinking tequila. They just said put on a life jacket. And that prompts it in that cuts them out and throw a football at them.

you i'd rather drown i just want to know how long he went i hope it was like three hours nick please tell us how long this was oh was the other boat just there the entire time did they make them clear the scene no i'm sure they i'm sure they wanted everybody to watch i hope he's real snippy with it too no don't search The boat. Don't have rights. I'm sunburned.

I'm sunburned because I've been face down in the water for four hours. Don't touch me. I'm doing some backstroke now, all right? It's not my strongest strokes, so don't look at me. You can't arrest me. This is water. I have medley to finish. You can't arrest me until I do all the strokes.

Watch this butterfly, bitch. I can see the trees. I'm almost there. I get this though because this was tequila number three sure and that's where that's where you become a scientist like well you know how long could I go you know they tell you don't don't go after eating a meal but what they don't tell you is that the best time to swim is after three tequila's that's when adventures happen

They don't show you that in the Olympics. When Michael Phelps does three shots and his jumps in the pool. I think it's probably understood with him. See, I read that Malcolm Gladwell book about 10,000 hours of practice. I'm picturing how much of this shit I drink. This dude, at some point he's swimming so slowly,

the cops are just like fishing because the water is that. I was just thinking about the, like, if you're a Kentucky boat cop, this is the best day you've ever had. Yeah, yes. How was your shift? Well, I spent the whole time bobbing next to one guy. All they wanted him to do was to be drunk in a life jacket.

They just didn't want to have to pick up his dead body. That's all they wanted. We just want to be able to dredge the lake for him. Yeah, we just don't want to have to dig for you, sir. We just want to be able to scoop you out of the water. This guy has probably had to talk about this in a job interview somewhere. I was asserting my constitutional rights. So anyway, I was just floating there, and then my civil rights were being violated. Swimming a speech, first of all.

I think we all agree. My right to assemble with the water must be. My right to assemble without a life vest on. Show me where it says life jacket in the Constitution. You can't. So these tyrants came up. and make me swim for six hours until they got to the shore

and then they arrested me again. Stayed in this country, man. I'm just glad there's not a modern day metaphor for that story. I'm just trying to think of how hard I would be laughing on the deck of the boat watching this in a swim away. You're tired yet?

Just like I don't lay next to him. Yeah, man, because if you want to get like some exotic dancers or like a magician or a clown for your bachelor party, you've got to pay for that that's right just tase him oh man

would fit wait would fish flop up around him if you tased him Nick right back tell us like the houseboat and the cops are playing catch with the football over

you guys want to come hang out we got hey stop pegging me with it's not funny doink Yeah, this guy's got like angry little brother, like, stop it, that kind of guy. Which, by the way, I don't know how big this guy is, but for that amount of alcohol, after what we can assume is a night of drinking in the morning to still be able to maintain that

kind of buoyancy, that's a really strong swimmer. Yeah. First, they came for tequila, Derek, and I said nothing because that shit was funny as fuck. Some say tequila, Derek can drill out there. He's like, he's like. he's like trying to prop a leg on the boat or whatever just like to get some in there and the cops you're like nope nope nope you got to swim it off they're giving him to smoke the whole carton treatment like you said you wanted to swim so hey no kick turns there buddy so so he was sitting

there soggy in jail some guy who probably got popped for meth some guy got popped for holding up a convenience store and they're like what are you in here for and he's like i wouldn't get out of the water sober this is like alice's restaurant of the sea i want you to charge me with aquaman impersonation and there's so long the cops are like shit we got shift change we'll be back hold on we gotta get more gas one second i gotta go get dinner god no man he's swimming they don't even have to have the engine on that's true they can do that with a troll that's true don't drift into him careful Whoops, I got bad news.

Sorry, buddy. I got bad news for you. News working bench this weekend, Judge Catfish. You scream, buddy. How do you play?