Shutdown Fullcast - MASCOT DISASTERS PANTHEON: Are mascots having a moment?

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast, the world's only college football podcast, only Bill Simmons podcast, and only Ringer NBA podcast. Today we're discussing: An American rite of passage: having to sweat in a pig costume on a 95-degree day Seriously, were all of you Piggly Wiggly mascots as kids What to do when Hank Aaron sees you nude What to do when you are a nude Willie the Wildcat The Deontay Wilder entrance costume of dangerously slapped-together dragon mascots "My mom managed a Big Dog Sportswear. Governor Schwarzenegger was coming to the mall." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. If you wanted another one, that's too bad. Doctors say you don't need another one. Who are you? Spencer Hall. Bon vivant at bannersociety.com. College football's only website.

It's crazy. One podcast. One website. But that's all you need. Bannersociety.com. Some other ship for this here operation. It's very Chinese government of you. The people have spoken, and the mandate of heaven is that you only need one college football podcast and one college football website.

You're welcome. Moving on. We got a little bit of a podcast business here. Yeah. Do we know any business people? Hmm. Business people? I don't know.

Holly? We're going to do a little business business. here? Sing. Podcast business, podcast business. What's that business? Podcast business.

It's a business. Of the podcast, yeah. Have you noticed that when you sing podcast business, you clap on the one and three? I'm going, I'm going. Yes, you did. No? We've got the Dillinger escape plan

clap going. Clapin on the, clapping on prime numbers. I'll tell you. You were a little off. Clapping on the sevens and elevens. Speaking of a little off, let's talk about our much beloved valihood,

much longed for by us and no one else live show at South by Southwest. Or rather, let's not, because it is no more. We made South by Southwest's collective ass quit. We are bummed about that. A few of you have messaged us to us. messaged us to say how sorry you are and you hope that we are that we are not out in any financial straits at this point. We are not. I did receive the bulk order of novelty snakes at my home the day they canceled the show. Something tells me we will find another use for those.

But no, thank you to everybody who reached out. We are fine. We are staying put. If you would like to reach out to someone, go out and have a drink in Austin and leave a big tip for your bartender and a big tip for your parking valet and a big tip for your hotel made if you're going if you're going down to texas anyway because those folks depend on south by southwest for a huge chunk of their annual income we do not need your blessed help at this moment but they do yeah on the subject of financial straits fortunately we have none so we're good yeah we're in digital media yeah so money's not real yeah you know the situation down there is bad when I say, us bloggers are fine.

We're the pack 12 of media presences. So, for instance, Ollie, ask me what our conference's financial plan is. The moon. The moon. Yeah. I'm sorry. What's our conference's financial plan? China.

On the moon. Oh, we're back. Okay. That's right. Why do you make less money than Conference USA per household? Counterpoint, the moon. Have you ever watched UCLA? volleyball on the moon?

I would. I would too, actually. UCLA volleyball incredible. Yeah. Also, do you know how far that ball would go? Yeah. That'd be astonishing. We have another piece of business to discuss.

Yeah. What's that, Jason? Well, Spencer, I noticed one error in your intro, as I'm going to don my fact-checker hat. You said this was a world's only college football podcast. In fact, we have received an upgrade. This is the world's only Boston Celtics. Yeah.

And because of that, we are changing the pronunciation back to the correct. This is a Boston Celtics podcast. Thank you very much. Because in the 2020 USA Today for the win podcast bracket, the shutdown fullcast defeated the number one seed, Bill Simmons podcast, trounced, demolished in the opening round, moved on. And as of press time, currently defeating the ringer

NBA podcast. I don't know how many more of these there are. They probably only have like three podcasts, right? Surely. No, no, we're coming for all of them. We're coming for the... How many could they possibly have? We're coming for the one about the movie that's on T&T. We're coming for the one that's about the other movie on TNT. Okay. We're coming for all seven of their MBA podcasts. We're coming for the one that's about like people who are friends of theirs. Listen, I know that you're talking about another podcast network right now. I'm almost positive. I'm going to need you to stop talking

shit about movies that only appear on TNT because those are my primary form of entertainment. I mean, true, true, but I understand that there's something to be enjoyed quietly and... No, that's not true. Hey, internet speaking of which, Spencer has never seen Real Steel, please at him at EDSBS, or email him

at Spencer at Banner Society.com and explain to him why he needs to watch real steel with me and stop being a giant baby. Nobody, nobody needs to convinced me to watch real steel. Why haven't you done it? It's got Hugh Jackman. Honestly, I've been waiting to watch it with my kids and like we never quite sync up at the same time because they'll love it. Your kids are terrible to watch a movie with. Awful, the worst. Children have no understanding. Why would you want to share this with them?

Because it has a robot that punches people. It's a movie about fathers and sons. You can't watch it with your kids. That's why you watch it with your kids. Did you learn nothing from Guardians of the Galaxy 2? No, I didn't. I'm just going to do it again. All right. That's it. Cool. Send us more podcasts to defeat on any number of subjects. Line them like Brock Lesner in the Royal Rumble, one after the other. We're kind of just standing around being boring right now because we defeat people too quickly.

Sorry. Am I the only one shaking in my shoes and my blog clogs at the specter of Dan Carlin looming across this bracket? Listen, it would be an honor to be buried beneath 70 hours on the Spanish Civil War. Jason, can I convince you to cut up? a promo right now in your Dan Carlin voice? He's got to warm up.

You got you got to really you got to find the timber. He's got to sink down. When I think about how quickly the shutdown forecast is advancing through the tournament it helps the mind

how quickly Mike Tyson would advance through the boxing ring just punching people in the throat they called it a ring but it's been a square for some time I this is what I want I want to get into you can't talk unless you're doing Dan Carlin voice we're doing a bit

of course on the other side of the bracket the other 8 seed to advance was um my uh spiritual spiritual podfather dan carlin uh demolished this american life i don't know who would like line up to vote for this american life like this american hive if you were hearing this i'm calling your ass out too like no they're passive aggressive they'll be like no that's fine yeah that's fine and then they'll do a podcast about my friend who i thought like my podcast but didn't an upper middle class story of struggle like what is the podcast with the least passionate hive is there one like um you'll hear an ad for it shortly i don't know which i don't know which podcast it just seems like a pretty safe bet i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you that that is a candidate

this american life's got to be out there because if you accuse them of something or critique them do you know what they would say for a moment i thought maybe it's true can i ride really hard for one specific this american life episode just one okay just one. And there's now a podcast, an entire podcast series of this same name. Please do not be confused. This episode of This American Life is, I don't know, I said 10 years old at this point. It's called Fiasco. And it's about, it's really something that I think a lot of our listeners and especially the host can relate to because it is about the way people behave when things go more wrong than they have ever gone in their lives. And the first segment, it tells the story

of a bunch of different fiascos with all different stakes but the very first one is a story about a community theater production of Peter Pan that goes off the rails from the very first, from the moment the curtain raises and ends

with I think the guy playing Captain Hook while he was flying the rigging breaks and he falls onto the stage and breaks both ankles in view of the entire audience see I knew I knew that would get you I knew a child breaking both legs in front of all of his friends and neighbors

would get you on board with this. But if you're able, if it's on their website, I refuse to check. Please go look up the old This American Life episode of Fiasco. It is truly, it's a full cast disaster episode in its proto-sludge form. And I love every awful second of it. You know what an actor on stage is essentially a mascot, right? You go to see a play You're just looking at a bunch of mascots

interacting with each other Which I think Use the word careening often enough But that's just what we've done Yeah Captain Hook is kind of a mascot There's a costumed alligator In Peter Pan

Captain Hook is kind of a mascot For child killers Right And Hook he doesn't He's hood hook We really need Ryan to talk about Hook That movie fucking sucks That movie's kind of terrifying

I love Hook It's trash is what it is It's horrible. I'm going to believe Jason's opinion on this, not because I agree with him, but because you're on a streak, son. You're on a streak. And this is why I'm trusting you to take us all the way to mascot disasters,

which is the topic of tonight's show. My credibility on the subject of Hook is I've seen it in the last five years. Actually, they were watching it yesterday. Yeah. Okay. I forgot what happens in the third segment of This American Life episode. because I really only ever listened to the Peter Pan version, to the Peter Pan segment.

The second segment is about a medieval village and the time they tried to pour boiling oil on marauding Visigoths, and it went wrong. That was a whole second. I don't know how I forgot about the other stories in this episode. Did it not get on the Visigoths? Anyway, but the third one is the one I wanted to get to because of the accents.

Did you guys know that before CAR-TAC became a thing on NPR, there was a Wisconsin show. There was a different Wisconsin show called, I think, About Cars. And this led to a bitter public radio, like inter-public radio car show brawl that went to the state, ended up, like, the state legislature got involved. Car Wars. Car Wars. Yes. Car wars. Anyway, sorry.

Please continue. I won't talk about NPR anymore. For the rest of the year, I can pretty easily guarantee. I would like to share, by the way, my mascot disaster. Are you ready? This is just an intro to the concept. Anyway, today's show is about mascot disasters. This is part of a slap together mascot week at our website,

at Banner Society.Zoon, where we have some blogs about mascots. I did one a big infographic data viz presentation on every college nickname all 1,875 my child did one ranking every FBS mascot

by degree of dogness no really she did Ben's looking on one about dogs Alex has one coming about old timey sailor hat mascots we got some more coming We will cover this topic

and then we will recover it and then we will triple-ply it. We will cover exactly the stupidest things about this topic. That's our solemn vow. Yeah. Spencer, that's disaster time. Okay, so I went to the University of Florida at the time. The mascot was a slightly plusher version

of what is now a slightly slimmed down, Albert the alligator. All right? Albert has a little blue sweater on because who doesn't want to wear one of those when you're already wearing a plush outfit in 95 degree heat and 80% humidity. And he has a little ball cap on. My freshman year at Florida,

the Albert was aggressive. He was an aggressive, had to be pulled away from opposing fans a couple of times. Did he bite people? A little reckless. He would bite people, but it's a plush mouth, right? So like, it doesn't really, dig in quite like I think he wanted it to. And this being the 1990s, was fond of stage diving

and being carried by crowds, aka crowd surfing. He started one day during a game that started at noon and was about 95 with about, you know, 60% humidity and started at the top of Florida field. And went up like, yeah, we're going to do this. Like, I think he said that. that in the suit, right? Like, he didn't really understand that you're supposed to be mute. This is the one time when mascots are allowed to talk when they're about to do something sick. Yeah, it was.

He was like, dude, this is for energy drinks. Yeah, like, extreme. So he got to the top of the stadium in the student section. It was like, whee! Crowdsurf me! And they, the students... pushed him up and they started carrying him down and when he was facing down initially his head was in the he was like loosing right like feet facing downhill head facing uphill this was fine

then about third of the way down which took quite a while so he was probably already flagging inside the suit right for being in a stressed position of being carried by a bunch of drunk people who honestly weren't totally strong enough to hold up this I think he was pretty, like, heavy. He was kind of a heavier dude in the plush suit. Anyway, they started to rotate him so that the head gradually started to come down from the 12, past the three, and to the six. And then you could hear him inside going,

which everyone interpreted as, Woo! Yeah! And he began to feel the blood rush into his head. and about halfway down he was out because it took a very long time it was very hot all the blood rushed to his head

and he passed out so that when he reached the bottom and they expected him to rebound catch the wall right stand up and go go go Gators I'm sorry he instead flopped like a corpse

into the shrubs they just dumped the limp gator under the field they thought he was going to stand so they kind of like put him on his feet right and it's a fucking fish market onto a like table so they weekend at berniesed him right they just sort of flopped him over this is better than where i thought this was

going when you said you know florida in the 90s i'm thinking instead of sending him down they send him up and just throw him off the edge i'm albert the alligator and this is jackass Were either of you ever Mascots yourselves? No. No, I was pretty. No, band guys. So I was a, I was like the pawn to a mascot.

That's worse. Yeah, you were the accompaniment. Yes. I was a turkey for a Thanksgiving thing. Wow. Wait, like a turkey trot or a parade? It was like, it was associated with public, so I don't know exactly what the event was. but they're like, would you rather work?

Would you rather stock shelves for the day? Or would you rather wear a turkey suit? And I'm like, fucking duh, you know? But then it's like, wow, I really wish I had just stocked shelves. Because those suits suck. Those suits are hot as hell. Like, it was like a 65 degree day, you know. And I'm still taking breaks every, it felt like five minutes.

Well, it felt like hours, but it was actually five minutes. I don't know how it's possible to wear that shit in 98 degrees, man. Jason, did you, did you work alongside costume? to little grums that day? No, I was solo. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was the, I was the main attraction, the whole deal. I came up with like a cool cartoon walk. I, uh, they're like my coworkers thought it would be very funny to try to attack me.

Um, because like, you know. I mean, that is funny. Because like, yeah, sure. Yeah. Cause like, you know, I'm there like for the kids, what I'm going to do fight back. But like, turkeys are mean and shit. So, yeah, I'll fight back. I'm in character, bro.

You know, I don't, I don't want to attack you. Yeah. But, like, I'm, I'm, I'm inhabiting the character of a turkey, so that's on you, you know. Should have been our national bird, but I'll let Ben Franklin answer that on his podcast. He would have a podcast, too. He fucking would. Turkey should have been our national bird, though.

The turkeys are the blue-tick hound to the Eagles bulldog. Ooh. Yeah. Just my opinion. Sorry for being controversial. I think bulldogs are cooler than Eagles. Like, as Ben pointed out, Eagles are just glorified vultures. at least a bulldog will

no they don't really kill anything but yeah no they've given up on all utility that's the greatest thing about a bullet they can occasionally use a water treadmill yeah like an eagle like if bulldogs could fly you'd have to like leave out eagle food for it a flying bulldog is one of the worst ideas

I've ever heard what if it was like a dirigible this is like our idea of Ben Affleck Batman flying right yeah wait did any of us actually see that movie did it turn out like that uh i did it's a dc movie so you'd have to ask uh 38 godfrey about that one yeah i i don't know but yeah he would he would basically if you've ever seen a a bumblebee kind of like drunkenly stumble around right and like bounce

off the ground before taking off that if the bulldog would look like that the whole time also bulldog walking is the bumblebee flying like scientists are like we don't know how You don't know. It's physically impossible. You get fucking like, Kurt Cameron comes on the Trinity broadcast network, and he's like, scientists are baffled, you know, by how bulldogs are able to walk. This proves evolution isn't real. Is that what that stands for?

God's hands are carrying bulldogs as they walk. And you're like, don't pay attention to what happens after, like, they've been alive for four years, you know. But like the four years that they're alive, that proves God is real. So checkmate atheists. Where you saw one set of footprints and a long, trench in the sand. That is where I dragged my bulldog

back to our beach house on St. Simons. You know bulldogs are well past utility and know it because if you put them in a pool they don't even really swim. They're like, amboyant. Wait, do bulldogs float? They float pretty well.

That's kind of what they do even on the ground. Yeah. Okay, I kind of want to see this now. You know, when you greet a dog. Does it like, does it just roll over and go legs up though? I mean, I think it probably would. Does it remain upright, or does it roll onto its back automatically in the water, like a donut that's done frying?

It remains upright, and there is some paw movement. But even then, they have no ambition. They're like, well, might go over here in two hours. It's more of an obligation swim. Like, you know, the boss is looking, you know, got to look like I'm trying. When you greet a bulldog, it's not like greeting other dogs who go, I'm protecting my master and investigating you. Or, hello, friend, how are you?

when you greet a bulldog, it's like, just rolls on its back and it's like, I don't know, dude. It got weird, pet my belly. All bulldog movements are like, listen, I'm just, I'm just here so I don't get fined, right? Now I want a bulldog named Marshawn lunch. I'm just giving you like, I'm just checking a box, buddy. No. Marchon lunch. Wow.

Yeah, this is the gist of the episode, by the way, is it is part of Mascot Week and the fun part about writing about dog mascots is that you get to actually kind of worry about the dogs because dogs are just cool, you know, put that out on my tombstone. It's great profundity. Dogs are cool. But, uh, mascot was, we're really overstocked on bulldogs and huskies.

Yes. Oh, God. Well, not so much huskies, definitely bulldogs. Over in debt. You said we've got too many bulldogs? Hmm. Wait 10 minutes. Yeah. Give it time. This was a part of our data viz out of the, uh, Only, I'd have to look at the exact numbers, only 10% of college mascots are dogs. Of those, 41% are bulldogs.

That is ridiculous. That's unacceptable. There are wolves. Name your team of wolves. Yeah, this is also when we talk about mascots and you go, oh, well, dogs and then wolves. Are wolves pets? Remember, any animal that's inside your house is a pet. This country had quite.

Pets, that's how we got here. This country had quite a issue with deciding what was or wasn't a pet. for like 200 years. Definitely not now, though, said the Florida resident. Not now, and that's why I want a domesticated bear. That would be an amazing mascot, too, is the domesticated bear, because it wouldn't be enthusiastic about anything. Just be like, oh, you see a chair.

Well, like a fat, nice bear? Yeah, a fat, nice bear. This is the way of all, this is the way of all mascots, by the way. Like, Wofford, they are the terriers, right? Originally, the Wofford Terrier was a pit bull. But then, like, over time, they were like, well, let's make it a Boston Terrier. Let's make this something less fearsome. Did this coincide with them dropping from the top of Division I to FCS?

Yes, I think it did. They were like, yeah. And Wofford still, like, I know that there's a professional mascot industry where people will have a family that takes care of it and they get some university stipend to provide for the dog, right? There are these, like, well-developed partnerships in terms of who takes care of the dog or in Revely's case, right? Like, it's part of the Aggie cult that Reveley is, you know, part of the institution and, in fact, has some legislative powers at Texas A&M, right?

She's technically an admiral. She barked three times. That means more fracking. The Aggie Navy. Yeah, the Aggie. That's why they wear white. They're sailors. That's why they wear white.

They're very confused sailors. Landlock. All right things make sense, no. We got fishing kayaks, boys. but the ocean of oil Wofford Wofford just is I think still still looking for a new

Boston Terrier they're just like hey do you have one can you come to some games can you bring one and I'm like that's how it started at NC State somebody was like hey do you have a wolf somebody's like I got a wolf good people of

Central and Western North Carolina do you have a wolf yes hold on let me call Wayne I'm kind of amazed that Virginia Tech only ended up with a turkey as its mascot if this is how things go. Yeah, like Virginia Tech has a live saber-tooth cat. Probably. Why aren't there more poohas?

Do we have a single Puma in college football? No, which is insane. What a tragedy. Someone needs to get on that. It's, yeah, that like billions and billions of bulldogs nary a Puma, ridiculous. But my alma mater, Kansas State, we had a live out. mascot and then the owner just said nope it's mine now took it back and so now we no longer have

alive see and now they have to go and they have to go to Kennesaw and say does anyone have an owl and big boy says I have several big boy has an owl yeah yeah next time he's up he can we'll have have an owl for three or four hours and then he'll go back have we mentioned the wonder that is big boy's owl Instagram I haven't seen the owl in there in a while but I know he still has one he's got two yeah he's got two yeah it's definitely multiple owls or at least he's got it he's got more than one i know one of them is named hooty hooty is the one who always makes noise yeah so he has an owl and you'll you'll see him inside stanktonia studios on if you follow big boy on instagram and follow his stories you will see film of hooty like it live in the studio along with friend of the pod george

foster sometimes you'll see big fost himself like in the studio without cast the thing i like about Hootie is that he always looks he looks you know when there's a baby and you have a baby and at first it's just kind of like looking around and then after the baby gets a little bit older it starts to make eye contact like it's looking at you and not just towards you yeah this owl is very engaged like it's not just sitting in there but you get the distinct impression from this film that the owl is like taking it all in you know really contributing to the mix down and yeah more high hat yeah more high hat yeah this is looking around like what's up man we hoot-in? The most recent owl pick

is hooty in an A.T. Lian's hat. Thank you, Hootie, for your service. He looks mad as hell about it, too. That's the brand. So we are going to go through the list of mascot disasters as submitted. Both, I have one. We have some listeners who have sent him quality.

I would say this, high school grade mascot stories are the best by far, because the quality of suit, I want you in your minds, as you hear these stories, translate the word mascot suit to shitty mascot suit. These are undoubtedly all shitty mascot suits. Even the expensive mascots can be terrifying in their unskinned form. Yeah. A longtime reader and probably our oldest listener, Kanu, I think, worked at Western Kentucky's sports marketing department way back when. And he talked about being the first one of me.

office and walking in and flipping up the lights and big red's carapace was folded into a large tepperware container with just the eyes kind of flopped out i would run for the hills and never return yeah big red no also big red remember subject of an italian copyright infringement suit meaning big red is the only college football mascot to have appeared in an italian court also meaning big red is on the lamb you're going to start us off spencer I would like to because it gets to a story that I want to tell before I forget it. It is related. I'm going to start from Joey Kinney at J. Kinney, 1987.

Not sure if it qualifies as a disaster per se. But one of my older fraternity brothers from back in the 90s would occasionally run around the house, wearing nothing but the Willie the Wildcat head. Not sure it qualifies. I want to say that usually when people say this probably doesn't qualify as a disaster, those people are right. Joey, you're wrong. So, this is disastrous. This is funny to me for two reasons, because the only, like, C&D letter I've gotten over the use of a mascot image has been over Willie the Wildcat from Kansas State's legal department.

I would like to remind everybody that Willie the Wildcat is one of the laziest damn mascot construct. ever. It's just a head. And then a guy wearing a Kansas state, like wearing half of a Kansas state football uniform. Don't just skip off that. Talk about the cease and desist letter because then we can talk about what those people did to John Boyce when he made fun of their mascot. Yes. So I was making fun of them and they told us to to stop because Willie the Wildcat was a piece of intellectual property, which property perhaps. Intellectual property. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't No, no, y'all hire Ron Prince. Might have forfeited any right to use that term.

It's like a quarter piece of IP, man. Yeah. The most bitter vitriol I've ever seen directed towards any college football person online ever was after John Boyce pointed out that if you turned the Kansas State mascot silhouette on its side, it looked like a bird ventriloquist, it does. Try this at home. People were furious. it was like he had let the American flag drag on the ground.

Don't you know the Kansas State mascot code? I'm pretty sure this is the John's only controversy. Yeah, that's it. That and the Indianapolis mayonnaise people. Yeah, but he likes that. Yeah. Nobody likes hearing from people who take Willie the Wildcat seriously. This is also funny to me for a second reason.

It is because I know from multiple sources, that Michigan State's mascot's head, Spardy's head. Oh, no. Has been worn during sex. No. Somebody has had sex with Sparty's head on. And I want you to imagine that expression in that particular moment on Sparty's face has all of this unwound.

Yeah, somebody's worn that. All right, that's upsetting, but better that than wearing Sparty's abs. during sex The wild part is the other person was wearing Brutus the Buckeye's head snack time I guess that is a sack time of a different sort

The worst one would be the hokey head If it was Oh This is poisonous You got to go Stanford tree there Where would stuff even come like Standard trees nuts are poisonous In a different sense

yeah that is that is my opening to mascot disasters an excuse to get to imagine sparty just dude buck naked getting it on with a lady wearing the mascot head yep that's a good one uh holly you got one well sure i do this story is from sean rosales who currently works at a uh a sports network of some somewhere down, you might have heard of it, and Sean has a story of famous person plus mascot interaction. In 2009, I was the mascot for Hank Aaron's 75th birthday party in Mobile. So in Mobile in 2009, this would have been what costume? I will investigate. You continued the story. I will investigate. After my mascot duties were done, I went to change.

I was removing my costume. when my underwear got caught and fell down. In walks Hank Aaron and his entire family. I covered up. He laughed and left. He only said one thing to me. Son, don't worry. I've seen plenty of men naked.

How many more different kinds of hero can Hank Aaron be? Like, my God. Ain't bothering me, son. I won't even remember this. Yeah. That is true, man. Baseball players, if you want to talk about athletes who have seen the most man-ass, right? Baseball players are up there.

162 games a year every single night. And those games are long, right? Yep. You're memorizing every divot and dimple and freckle. So this would have been the Mobile Bay Bears costume in 2009, which does that look like a Buckees critter to you? It does. It has wide, shocked eyes as if his underwear had been caught on something and pulled down. I hope he's standing there Willie the Wildcat style.

We're nothing but the shot. With apologies to Sean and his lovely wife, I am imagining a naked man wearing a Bucky's head right now with Hank Aaron just standing right. That's called being Bucky naked. And the coup de Grasse is that I'm all just laughing and leaving, which reminds me of nothing so much. just the the time we were talking about

dudes getting beat up by their own dads. And my buddy who took a swing on his ex-military dad and the dad just shaking his head and walking away. It's crushing. Are they laughing because of the humor of an innately human situation

that we must all encounter once? Are they laughing because they saw me naked? Definitely not. So here are two of a genre. This was the most common sort of overall theme we received from at slambera on Twitter I worked at H.E.B. in high school and was forced to be

H.E. Buddy. There's a mascot. I haven't personally seen it. I don't think. Is it a bull, I would guess? It is Texas. It's not a butt. H.E. Buddy in the summer because my manager hated my dad. H.E. Buddy is an anthropomorphic grocery sack. Oh, my goodness, that is, that is capacious. It smelled terrible and was hot as hell,

but I didn't speak, pass out, cry, or faint the entire time, even though I was nut punched by hyperchildren no less than 10 times. It also has a cow lick. Additionally, from at Vandy Import on Twitter, I was the pigly-wiggly pig in 1988 at age 16. It was a chance to get out of working in the produce cooler wrapping 24 cases of lettuce individually, all caps. every day. It was also 95 degrees and 70% humidity in North Alabama. There might have been

fainting. Lots of the podcast readership have worn mascot suits and there is a high degree of fainting, vomiting, lots of complaints about the smells. These, these mascot suits were all made in the 70s. None of them have ever been cleaned. We've all been through some shit, man. I'm extremely proud to note that we had multiple, as in more than two respondents who had to be the pigly wiggly pig in years past I'm going to read my favorite one right here from reader Earn

not like a Grecian urn it's different in 1999 I was the pigly wiggly pig in a Christmas parade I got paid a hundred dollars in 1999 yeah that's like $5,000 in charge money okay so there's a bonus I got paid $100

and made several kids cry when I took the head off at the end of the parade while I was still in front of people. That's the reverse Willie the Wildcat. That's revenge for all the kids who nut punched the H.E. Buddy. Does the pigly-wiggly mascots outfit have a

like an ashtray built somewhere into the mascot? I'm guessing their overalls and like the pouch, they just sort of can pull it out like a kangaroo. Yeah. Anything in there? You can just ash in there? Or is he holding one in his curly tail.

You just spit your lip right in them. It's a magical sack and every time you're reaching it, you can pull out a Mountain Duke Code Red. This is a sensible play. For 65 cents. Yeah. I am going to another short and sweet one from

At Lund P.B. Peter Lund won my high school rivalry game by drawing a technical foul for getting punched by an opposing player. I love it. Drawing contact. Did he mention what he was wearing? Take the charge.

Basic basketball. Set your feet. Punch the mascot. Draw that. That's a heel move. That's a good heel move, right? Oh, the math is looking. I didn't do a thing, Mr. Ref.

It was all him. I can just see, that's the best part is this guy's worked for all the whole season, and he's a high school jock. And he looks over, and he's just like, God damn, that bear makes me. so mad. I hate that fucking cougar. I'm just going to level it, man. That 1973 Cardinal with teeth. Steam train coming through. That's great. And I bet they don't regret it at all, right? Just not at all. Like, I don't know. We probably would have lost that game anyway. And it felt great

to deck a mascot because I know there are a few things that are universally true in this world. the joy that I would feel if I got a free and clear shot on any mascot in front of a crowd oh that's a pop which which mascot would you most want to spear um let's see and it is spearing right we're not going to waste the chance on a pond no we're going it's it's straight it's straight straight crown of the head right this is this is crown to crown action you won't hurt yourself crown to sternum actually because that feels like we're the most padding is going to be you know what I'm going to do this because I respect him, and I think that he would be able to,

we'd set up a good spot in wrestling terms. I think we would get a lot of good heat. And then I think we'd have a good payoff for the spot that we did. Oh, so you would have the mascot in on this. Interesting. Well, only this mascot. Only this mascot, Goldie. Because one, yeah, yeah,

because he has like a big stupid smiling face and that's important for committing violence against a mascot. He can't look like Sparty, like I'm grimly committed to this act of choreograph. violence. No, I need a smile going down the whole way. So I think we could set up a good table spot and I'd still mean it, right? It'd be like wrestling. It'd be

real, but it'd also be real. Yeah, and he has wrestling experience. Yeah. He knows Brock Lesnar. He's wrestled during a game when he's bored. Yeah. I think I'm going after Big Al, because he's very, very puffy. This would be very safe for both of us, right? He wouldn't even notice.

Like, there's lots and lots of cushion and padding. It would be basically, it would be like a sock-on-bopper, right? Yeah. I like that. I also like the idea of sparing hairy dog into the bushes, right? Into the, into the hedges. Oh, man, that'd be spectacular. You'd get madder about, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You hurt the bush. You heard her. You can always get a new dog. We do anyway. I feel like Georgia fans, though, would really respect that because they'd be like, well, you hurt our hedges. But that was a good spot, man, and you bled. There was color in this match.

That was good. That was WCW. I gave you 8 to 10 on the Goldberg scale. He went here, by the way. He went here? He did. He's their most, it's him and Titus, right? Those are the two UGA grads of note.

Two people went to the University of Georgia. Titus Burgess and Goldberg. That's it. Those are your Nobel Prize winners. Congratulations. Yep. I'm going to go see if either one of them is listed on UGA alumni's notable alumni page because I bet they're not.

I'm sure Goldberg is. I bet he's a fucking champ right now at the age of 78. Wait, Alton Brown went there? He did. And in fact, Alton Brown is a cameraman on R.E.M.'s the one I love video. That's how Athens he is.

God, there really is just no R.E.M. fact that I find interesting. Including that one. I think I have that disease, too, Holly. Goldberg is not... Goldberg, yeah, it's... I am missing that chip. Yeah. I was looking for Goldberg under entertainment, and he's not there or other athletes. That's because he's under statesmen.

You need to look under statesmen. That's where Goldberg is. They don't have Goldberg. That's embarrassing. They don't have Goldberg. Is he under business and entrepreneurship? There are all these drop-down menus. Science technology and innovation.

Yes, the Goldberg Spear was an innovation. Yes, he innovated two moves. At nowhere. Wow, UGA. Was Goldberg the first salt and pepper goatee in wrestling? I need an investigation. he's right up there you forget yourself university

okay government and education last yeah that's WWE he should be under there at least in Georgia nothing no Johnny fucking Isaacson's in there Sonny Perdue's in there not my governor Sonny

Sonny Purdue anyway eat shit Georgia here's one from Jay Langdon 76 was a Mustang mascot in middle school. So high school mascots was that that was pretty rough. Now we're going down to middle school. Oh, God. Like the budget has, has further. Also, what wealthy middle school did you go to where you had a costumed mascot? I don't know. I, I, it. Northwestern.

So Northwestern middle school. Yeah. No university. We have a school paper and everything. I went to I went to middle school at Northwestern. Yeah. It's like everybody there, yeah, they're also a fucking advanced placement they'll show up when they're 12 yeah caught a spiked volleyball in the mouth of the horse which doubled as the eye hole proud of 50

cheered while I was hiding a black eye under the costume just whap right in the mouth eye if anyone asked where I got the black eye I lied and said it was from hockey well well done well done is the funniest

By the way, Joey has a good story there, but is the funniest thing that a mascot can be doing underneath the suit, is it crying quietly? Because every time I imagine a mascot that I know crying quietly underneath this, it's like all the tears are running down into your mouth and you can't wipe your face. And while the tears are running down your face, they're also collecting stuff from the inside of the mascot head. And that's going in your mouth too. I was just more thinking like Albies out there, right? Yeah. Goofy, cartoonish Albi like, yay. And inside, they're like, no one knows how sad I am right now.

Oh, God, that's also, like, the heart freak. Oh, my God. Did you just explain Twitter? I did. Twitter is Aubby with somebody crying inside of it. Obby in a ridiculous costume, like in a, like, you know, one of those special, special obbies. Listen, when, Aubie's costumes are hit or miss, and he's no Goldie in that respect.

However, Obie, I'll be in the, like, the halo and the angelic robes, that's an all-timer. Sure, sure. Crying Halloween, Aubie. My spirit animal is, actually, that's not my spirit animal. I'm going to get mine from at Lallypb. Not me, but when I was at Boston College,

they introduced Baldwin the inflatable eagle as a secondary mascot. The first time the guy put it on in practice, the motor malfunctioned and the suit caught on fire. Fire eagle! There was a moment of five to ten seconds there when the... You could have been an XFL mascot.

Right. When everybody's sitting there watching it going, this is so sick, dude. We should put him out. This is so awesome. Dude, our new mascot is so fucking awesome. I mean, how awesome would a mascot be if they set themselves on fire

every time they took the field? I'm not talking about, I come out on a horse with a spear and I set part of the field on fire. No, I'm talking about... She said like only setting part of the field on fire was for babies. It is, it is.

You know it's for men? Do you know it's for real warters? I have never known what's for men. Setting yourself on fire every time you take the field. For what? The glory of Boston College football. Yeah.

This is why we got... Just let Jackson Deville cook himself. Jackson DeVille is as close. as an NFL mascot has ever come to not only being a college mascot, but exceeding it. Because a college mascot, oh, they might set themselves on fire every now and then for fun. Only one mascot I know did it like every other week and then jumped, bungee jumped off of the light towers in Florida where lightning can strike like at any minute. And he did that every week. He's going to be an awesome fit for like London soccer hooligan culture.

boy this bloke's proper mental he's corked in he huh there is another mascot story in here that feels like it should have resulted in electrical fire but did not and I feel like this belongs to Jason yes it does uh yeah so here come a few more lengthy ones but these are very good ones um from Aaron Bickart Bichart

could be one of those could be another who knows I tried out for my high school's pep squad and didn't make the cut but my friends did and they persuaded our teacher to revive the old mascot an inflatable dragon suit so that I could have a role on the squad

the suit was essentially a thick tarp shaped like a dragon powered by a car battery a car battery yeah this is what you wear to a boxing match when you want to have an excuse about losing it you strap a car battery to yourself

I strapped the car battery to my waist It collected via two little wires and clamps Directly to a superpowered leaf blower Which I wore like a backpack to inflate the suit This is so fucking jerry rigged Sure, sure Fucking a rude goldberg dragon Inside it smelled like old socks

And sounded like a leaf blower running directly into your ears My worst moment in the suit was during a football game When the Harlem Shake videos were like two weeks past their prime The stadium played the Harlem Shoeuvre over the loudspeakers and the whole pep squad did the dance for the crowd. When the drop hit, I accidentally knocked the clamp off my car battery and had to slowly deflate under the ground as the funky beats and laughter echoed.

Greatest achievement was that my parents were very proud of me for doing anything and my mom keeps a framed photo of her in me in my suit on her wall. They discontinued the inflatable dragon after my one season. That's leaving a fucking mark, man. Burn the dragon to the ground. Never equal. Just imagine the suit, like that means. that song playing the suit just then the beat drops so does the dragon

it is a hilarious badass this Matthew they made a whole movie about Matthew McConaughey going inside a dragon and the dragon dies so like I think Aaron is right up there with Matthew McConaughey yeah you know what Aaron's wasn't CGI man yeah it was real this is the real rain of fire I'm gonna assume he didn't have to interact with Christian Bale I'm going to consider by the way

the uh I do want to point out wearing a car battery around your waist is actually the most insane part of it. A teacher had to come up with that idea. Yeah, just charge it up. Just put it right there. Oh, this is also our kids will love it. This is probably a time when they still had shop.

This was a shop teacher. I was saying either a shop teacher or this is like chem lab teacher who's like, let's try some shit, you know? Or the football coach who also teaches health. Mm-hmm. Why don't we hand out sodium at the pep rallies? Kids need power? batteries have power?

Huh. I should teach math, too. Also, Jesus Christ, having a car... My back hurts reading, having a car battery strapped to my body. With a leaf blower pack on your back.

Like your fucking rocket man. You could slip like two discs in two different directions. I'm really worried about you at that point spontaneously combusting and opening up a portal to another universe if you have a leaf blower and a car battery on your person.

I'm not sure I'd make get on to the core. That's a superhero origin story. You got a fucking entire power loop on your body. They call me the dragon. It's right. I'm sure the fabric was flame retardant. Yeah, it was a tarp. So he was just in there cooking. He steals in all the heat. All right. I've been waiting to tell this one.

Oh, yeah. You ever see one of those story prompts where, you know, like tell a perfect story and just two sentences and you're like fuck you book twitter and then you see one and you're like oh i kind of get it all right i'm going to tell a story in two sentences my mom managed a big dog sportswear in the early 2000s i was in middle school at the time there that's it that's the whole story there's a mascot story but right here you have you have two sentences that put you directly in a time in place that was like no other time in place in American history.

Suck it Charles Dickens. This is our Dan Carlin moment. Is there any more specificity of place and time within three words than big dog shirts? There's a better one later, but you're going to get to it. I mean, there's an accent, accent.

There's something that makes it even richer later on. Later on in my story? Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. They had a mascot version of the dog that I wore at events in the mall I don't remember this mascot

they had a mascot version of the dog that I wore at events in the mall because I thought it was fun and my mom liked free child labor this is from Zach Machelli Michelley anyway

Governor Schwarzenegger was coming to the mall so I was told to get in the dog costume so I could go drum up some business he's alighting a little bit here but I gather that the notion is there will be crowds at the mall because the governorator is at the mall and so Zach is told to dawn the dog costume

and drag in and drag no Spencer I remember what the dog looked like I don't remember the mascot of the dog I think he's like showing me pictures of the big dog Spencer did you Google dog I think he did because there's a lot of different dogs here

I do this frequently I lost the tab with my story. Thank you. Anyway, you're ruining the flow of our best story with your big dog. All right. Arnold Schwarzenegger was coming to the mall. Zach was told to get in the dog costume so he could go drum up some business when we last left our hero. We returned to Zach, high-fiving and hugging people and wandering around, and he sees a big dude in blue.

He approaches with his arms outstretched, and he backs up. and because of the mascot's head's limited vision, I can't see that he's also moving one hand. I feel a yank and I hear mom hissing in my ear that's a cop. I look again

and see his hand on his gun. I sheepishly waved and booked it the hell away from him. On the bright side, I get a brief glimpse of Arnold through the meshy eyes. And that's the story of how I, at age 13 or so, almost

got shot by a cop while in a big dog mascot costume. God, that's perfect. What is the, what alarmed this cop so? Like, is the dog just that aggressive and badass that just the mere side of it is threatening? Do you know what he thought? Do you know why he did it? He thought, I'm a cop, cop, cop. No, he thought deep in his heart, he realized he couldn't run with the big dogs.

and that he needed to stay on the porch. I thank you so much. He said that dog is far too badass to live. I saw the shirt. It spoke a truth to me, and I wasn't ready for it. Also, the Governor Schwarzenegger part is great because I just imagine this isn't like Sacramento. Are you imagining this like that Jean-Claude hockey movie

because that's what I'm picturing. I'm saying like a Sum 41 video. What is the Jean-Claude hockey movie? that would be Sudden death? Yes, sudden death Yeah That's what I'm imagining

Like Steve Zahn is wearing that dog costume Yeah, there's a lot of people Like listening like Blink 182 In this scene Hey I mean it says early 2000s Yeah Sorry that was Jimmy 8 World

That was Hey That's your fault Are we out of mascot stories? Sounds like we're ending on Hey Oh God Hey

Let's do that. Do to these poor people what you did to Twitter. Hey. That was a paltry crop that I think we made into a pretty good show. I think they think about this one is very specific. Yeah, it's so, I do appreciate that we did not get a lot of people saying, I wasn't a mascot, but here's a completely unrelated story involving a dog. There was a lot of people tagging their friends, you know, because like,

like everyone has had a kitchen disaster, but only a select few. And they've all heard it because they're like, yeah, I was wearing a mascot costume at the time. It's really fucked up. Yeah, yeah. They're all like, hey, like, they're all tagging the same, the same poor asshole. If we're going to keep disasters going as a thing, we should actually think of more of these that are niche,

because we're going to run out of calendar holidays. Yeah. As opposed to, well, I mean, we could do holiday disasters every year. They'll make new ones. All right, I will upload this. This year, we have the thing we're going to try with, like, states. So that'll be fun. I like this.