Shutdown Fullcast - ‘MERGENCY MICHIGAN EPISODE: HARBURGER HEARSAY

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

SHOW NOTES Jim Harbaugh is one thousand percent dad and needs to be maybe ten percent more uncle Meet the new dumbest set of NCAA charges you’ve ever seen (aren’t they quaint?) At what point on a diet of ground beef and milk does the human body technically become a living meatloaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. This is an emergency, emergency, emergency on the college football. dance floor and by that we mean the type of intrigue and scandal that only this podcast can meet at its level. We talk about

meeting conversations at the level that they deserve and I think we are the only people in the universe, the only ones who can properly engage it on the correct level. There are a number of people who are on this podcast who are not normally on this

podcast. We have them on for reasons. I only see one person who on this podcast who's not normally on this podcast that's well no there's somebody who's always it's always i'm i'm joined by ryan annie and holly anderson as always uh jason kirk is busy at epcot at epcot where he always is and lives um and we are joined as always by brian floyd um brian doesn't feel the need to say anything he doesn't have to he's just always part of the show uh and we are also joined by special guest jessica smitana uh from The Levitarch show, Metal Arc, and I think most notably from the Formula One podcast that we do together.

Do you remember the name of it? Yes, DNF. I was waiting. No, no, no, because it took me a second and I was like, Ryan's going to be a jackass and ask me if I remember the name. Knowing that it would take me a second to do it. See if you get on it this year, Ryan, in the year of Ryan being on podcasts. Boys, you can't fight. Blacklisted.

Boys, you can't fight on January 6th. Come on. I would also like to plug my founding membership of the Sam Hartman at Notre Dame fan club today. This is our inaugural day of the fan club, and everyone's welcome to join. All right. I'm so mad that y'all got him because he's so cool. He's like Captain, he's like Captain, fuck at someone down there. Like, he's the best.

How long do you think we could let Spencer talk about this before we get to the emergency topic? We're going to get to the emergency topic right now. In fact, I'm just going to hand it off to Holly. Holly, tell him why we're here. Folks, if there were ever a coach in our orbit who you might cite as being too much dad and not enough uncle, I think we can all agree Jim Harbaugh is at the top of that list. And Word, but let's see, it is early Friday afternoon, January 6th, as we were recording this. Early last night, January 5th, Word began to trickle down from Michigan about, I'm not even

going to pull up the headline because I frankly don't care what number of violations Michigan is being hit with by the NCAA. But one thing I think stood out to everybody immediately when we saw these headlines, I believe from Dan Wetzel, Long May He Rain, who I've heard this morning that Dan Wetzel had this story before a lot of people at Michigan had this story. Daddy. And this is, you know, when I say Long May He Rain, this isn't sarcasm. But the bit of the headline that stood out to me was Michigan hit with failure to cooperate with the NCAA very January 6th of them actually yeah even though it was it was it was January 6th eve and we're like okay of all conferences and of all the schools in all in this one

conference you get Michigan tagged with the failure to cooperate and we have as Michigan grads ourselves. We have a lot of tenderness for our home institution. Ryan, Spencer, and I all have multiple, multiple doctorates from the University of Michigan. But we, what we're going to pull together to, we're going to tell you a little story today. We're going to tell you a what if I told you story that we have, that we have pieced together from our friends in Ann Arbor who are perpetually our biggest charity bowl donors who let us come and clown around on the sidelines at their games. And that's not the reason that we think these NCAA charges are stupid. These NCAA charges are stupid because these NCAA charges are, y'all, when I tell you

this story, the NCAA is going to come out looking dumber than Michigan. And what Michigan has done here is pretty dumb. Well, almost in the year 2023, the concept of NCAA charges is stupid. Like, imagine if Blockbuster called you tomorrow and said, hey, you were late returning Legends of the Fall in 1990s, and you'd be like, I don't fucking care. You're Blockbuster.

Why would I listen to you now? That's what it's like to get dinged by the NCAA at this point in time. It's such trash. So, anyway, one of the, On the list of charges you will see in Dan Wetzel's story is the one that we're focusing on today. The incident that triggered failure to cooperate was, stop me if you're screaming Auburn fans, but Jim Harbaugh had breakfast with, had a comped meal with two recruits, two already committed recruits to Michigan, who are currently freshmen at Michigan right now, if I have this correct.

and this was during the COVID dead period and the story as it has been relayed to us by sources at Michigan is that these two recruits were passing through town and Jim Harbaugh said hey let's have breakfast which is apparently not an uncommon thing to have happen and that's not the funny part the funny part is where they went for breakfast Perkins now close

Tiger Woods didn't go to Michigan Now with the sole exception of Jess We all went to big state schools And without Without pausing for more than five seconds I'm sure that you guys could name A The Greek Diner on campus

Shout out to Gus's Hello Knoxville And B You could name the local small businessman Who roams the sidelines at games And nobody really knows what he's doing down there So so pause this briefly. Spencer, does this exist

at Florida? Because I'm having trouble. Like, the swamp is the closest thing. No, but that's not really it. Because remember Florida, it's illegal to have a business open for more than five years continuously, unless it was like Leonardo's, which even then. Which that is gone. If I had learned to get from Michigan, I would suggest that hungry

Howie roams the sidelines, but apparently he doesn't even live there. No, Michigan has traditional things that all other schools have. Florida churns up everything around it, like, honestly, like an alligator that has to clean its nest every three or four years or it will die. So it just mucks out the stall, destroys every business within like three blocks. There are no traditions, nothing. Florida is the nihilist public school experience.

Okay. So in the Florida version of this, it's let's go to a cracker barrel, two exits up. Let's go somewhere. Yeah, let's go somewhere on Archer Road. Okay, yeah. Great. Awesome. Okay. So in Michigan, these these two concepts take the form of one person um whose name is oh peri periacos my greece is my greek is not great but i believe his name is peri periacos he runs the little brown jug which and i say this with all affection in the world i went to a big state school too this is not this is not a place where you go for fine dining

this is a place where you go for a slop burger right it sounds like a rivalry trophy it is a rivalry it is yeah correct yeah the little brown jug is a is a big Hell, yeah, Nailed it. It's what, Michigan, Minnesota? I believe it's Michigan, Minnesota. Yes. Yeah. As a Big Ten conference member, you know that, Jess.

I think this was also, I think the origin of this trophy also involves, like, fear of getting poisoned. That's not important. How do you get a Shalee? Okay, calm down. Yeah, yeah, settle, settled down now. British Museum asked Notre Dame. Notre Dame and USC fight for the elegant marbles. Why are we fighting?

Why are we playing for the Mask of Raw? don't worry about it it's ours and we found it don't ask where we got it NC state Notre Dame is fought for the mask of raw what's wrong with a Graven Idol yeah come on there is a huge hobby lobby in Mishawaka it's all there all right so the brown jug restaurant is the is the dying question restaurant is the scene of the crime now here is where Jim Harbaugh ran into trouble he took two recruits to breakfast during the COVID-19 dead period and he He paid for it with a university credit card because Jim Harbaugh is the least gangster human being that has ever lived on this planet.

He did not pay cash. There's a certain kind of person, and that kind of person is a Bud Elliott who's listening to this. And their first reaction is, well, you don't get any points that way. Why would you do that? No points. You're telling me Jim Harbaugh pays for his own glasses of milk in Ann Arbor, Michigan. They don't comp that at the little brown job. depending on I heard two different I heard two different versions of this he may have just and this is even less gangster because this means it has to get reported to the IRS he may have just left a tip on the credit card for the server because because peri periacos who owns the little brown jug if you go look at his Facebook page he has his own big 10 title ring with his name on it I super doubt that Jim Harbaugh is paying for a burger in this

place if this guy gets a big tent title ring so we did hear one we did hear from one person that it's possible he may have just left a tip for the server again on his university credit card which no you have to report you have to report that tip to the IRS tipping cash come on y'all so you're telling me Scott frost would have had a better chance of getting a big 10 ring if he had opened a restaurant in Ann Arbor than if he had taken the Nebraska job okay okay cool cool so By the way, all of this gets dimed out to the NCAA via the assistant who was acrimoniously ousted from Michigan, who's now at Mississippi State, whose name escapes me. Do we know that that's true, or is that just the suspicion? I'm pretty sure that's how some journalists got it before Michigan.

Okay. I do not believe they got along well. Yeah. And so NCDL, anyway, none of this is the funny part, by the way. None of this is the funny part. The funny part is NCAA investigations roll up and say, and say, Jim is this your receipt? And Jim says, no.

And they say, did you sign James Harbaugh? And he says, no. Smash cut to Jim's lawyer, jumping up and down in the background, waving his arms going, just say, I don't know. Just say you don't remember. I don't recall. It was a long time ago. I don't recall.

No, that wasn't me. of all the of all the Bruce Pearl ways to get caught feeding recruits illicitly ones that involve A, your signature, B, your university credit card. There is a third reason. And now we come to the hole

at the center of the donut. Jim Harbaugh and Jim Harbaugh and the recruits were not the only people having breakfast in the restaurant that morning. they were witnessed and what makes if he's a morning regular there what makes that particular Jim Harbaugh visit

stand out why would he stick in the mind if people were asked if they saw him there on that day well it helps that across from two recruits eating plates of sausages and eggs or whatever Jim Harbaugh was eating two hamburgers and French fries for breakfast

at 10.30 in the morning. Yep. Now, again, the owner of this establishment has a big 10 title ring. This is conjecture. Is Jim Harbaugh eating two hamburgers for breakfast every day? Yes. Yes. This feels like a short leap.

Yeah. This feels like a very short leap. This is where I have to bring up the... I have so much heartburn. So this is where I went to the menu of the brown jug. And this is where we discovered it gets worse. Oh, gets so much worse. I'm going to read this verbatim.

Our hamburgers are a full half pound of Brime Angus ground beef. It's two half-pound burgers. Not a double hamburger. Two half-pound burgers. Jim is eating two briosh buns with a pound pre-cooked of ground beef in the morning. For breakfast. Yep. The other important thing to know about the brown jug is that part of its schick, let's say, almost every item on the menu is named after a Michigan person of some of some importance.

So, for instance, to pull a couple at random, the barbecue ribs are named after Mike Hart. The spinach pie is named after J. Hart. ball the pesto chicken pasta is named after um famed basketballer and alaskan lover glen rice hell yes the burgers top of the list the famous brown jug burger just your standard i want a burger this is this is the house this is the thing it's named after jack harbaugh so it's entirely possible that blood of my blood burger this restaurant and said give me two dab burgers please Daddy wants me to have two burgers. I have an alternate theory because if you scroll down the list,

it's an adjacent but alternate theory, there's a Bo Schemburger, a Bo Schemberger, and I'm wondering if he consumes one burger. I'm wondering if he's splitting and going one of Dad and one of Bo as like an act of religious communion. This is my ground body. Eat of it.

For those wondering, served on grilled sourdough rye bread with grilled onions and cheese. Oh, it's a patty meal. It is, but they have a patty mount listed separately under Charles Woodson. This is not the most confusing thing apart about this menu. Jess, if I gave you three guesses. Should I be offended? There's no menu items named after female athletes because it seems like an oversight.

Maybe could you maybe, well, is it possible that female athletes have the good sense to not eat these? So there are some named after women on this. The basketball coach, Kim Barnes-O-Riko. The carrot cake is named after her. I don't know who all these people are, so I apologize. Somebody named Abigail O'Connor gets the Jug Special Omelet. So there are some women on here. Like I said, I don't know exactly.

Katie Frommon appears to be the executive associate AD. She gets the chicken lemon rice. Adam Schefter is on here. I hope that women's gymnastics are. I'm sorry. What is the Adam Schaefter one? Oh, God. The Sicilian deep dish.

But here's what I want to focus on. Jess, if I gave you, I'm going to give you three guesses. Think of just typical diner menu. This is not something that's like super out there. You would not be surprised. This is not like what even is that dish. If I gave you three guesses for a diner that serves breakfast and lunch slash dinner, Tom Brady's menu item, what is it?

Avocado toast? Wrong. Try again. And I'll say this, cold, cold, cold. You are, your avocado toast is a cold guess if we're playing hot cold. All right. Chicken pot pie. Wrong, but definitely warmer.

I think you've gone too far the other direction. So try to split the midpoint of chicken pot pie and avocado toast and I think you'll get it. Some sort of patty melt. That's really, you know what? That's so close I think I'm going to give it to you because it's the corned beef Rubin. Tom Brady has never eaten a corned beef reuben in his maybe not at least not since leaving in Arbor no I don't think he'd even look at a corn to be frubin for fear would fuck up his blood chemistry like was he like this in school we don't know based based on his based on his combine photo no yeah no he was not like this in school oh simpler times simpler times so again if you're if you're Michigan's like trustees or whatever you're dragged in front of the NCAA I'm assuming via Zoom, and you're hearing about this illegal comped meal, and then you find out what the comped meal was. And my immediate follow-up question to all the people I talked to in Michigan in the last 12 hours has been,

why don't you tell the NCAA to eat shit? This is stupid. And the response that I got back was, well, we thought a pretty good plan would be for Jim to apologize and then for the university president to go tell the NCAA to kick rocks, except that we're not sure we can get Jim to apologize. For the most meaningless lie in the world. And I was Googling last night to try and figure out. I was like searching last night, I'm like, at the very beginning of this process,

is trying to find out that, is this real? And I'm, so we're searching last night. We're searching all forms of like, Bob Burger trying to find out this is real. And we always get three to five people calling this a nothing burger. I'm like, no, man, it's a something burger. But this could be so easily pit, the NCAA attack on supporting local businesses, there are so many ways to pivot this, except we're not sure we can get Jim to apologize.

Why would he apologize for eating one pound of ground beef on two brioche buns in the morning? I think for the lying is the thing they want him to apologize for. But in order to do that, he would have to admit it, which he still, as far as we know, has not done. It can't be a shame, Holly. Like, I know Floyd floated yesterday that possibly this is like, I'm ashamed to admit that I eat like, like a nine-year-old who's been given $20 and told to go to be breakfast. This is the dude made headlines eating McDonald's in France with his wife. I don't think he's bothered by this. It feels like it has to just be stubborn principle of, I will not apologize.

no matter what I've done. Nobody makes me bleed my own burger. Can I remind you of just the crystalline moment where I realize I understood Jim Harbaugh, and I think it will help to understand this. There's this long QB clinic that you can watch of him. I mean, it's literally like two hours of Jim Harbaugh talking about quarterbacking, and in it he says the following and does the following. One, he says that the best way to get the ball from under center

and put your hand in the right position is to put your thumb in the asshole of the center, like right up against the asshole of the center. That's not food safe, by the way. That's his words. I'm not saying, he's like, yeah, put your knuckle, like, right up against the asshole. And then he looks up like, you know, the part where the poop comes out, right? Your asshole. Oh, asshole.

So, like, that's the first thing he does. The second thing is he says that the most important factor for our quarterback is, I must win. Not speed, agility, accuracy, or competitiveness. And his brain, the word, the most important word is, I must win. First of

all, Jim, that's three fucking words. That's three fucking words. Well, he's Catholic, so three can become one. It's fine. Second of all, when he says this, he hits the overhead projector. And mind you, it is an overhead projector when I know he could have afforded a laptop and some PowerPoint. Okay. But he's got an overhead projector and he hits it and he breaks the overhead projector.

Yes. That's why he brought the overhead projector. I must quit. I must win. Oh, do you think the overhead projector was a patsy? Absolutely not. was it brought in to die absolutely because then now he has to buy a new one this is why ryan fails this is why ryan is not a harbologist because he doesn't understand that that that he doesn't

want to pay for a new one because he's he's at base one of the cheapest human beings alive well well he's putting that on the university credit card as well now we're talking daddy he's just he's just calling staples said another by the time this comes out he may have apologized but yeah i don't know how high i think the odds of that are yeah there's only listen There is only one person. We know this. We know this to be true. There is only one person in the entire universe who could sit Jim Harbaugh down,

listen to his story, and give him a direction that says, you need to do this that he would listen to, right? Yeah, but Pope Benedict died. It's Judge Judy. Oh. Judge Judy is the only person who can convince Jim Harbaugh that he is wrong and he should apologize. So Michigan can, you know, have all the internal meetings and discussions they want.

but until they get TV's richest woman to step up look at this case now the flip side is this if he's already talked to judy and she said i think you're right i think they didn't have i didn't think they didn't have shit on you and you should fight the NCAA yes then i think jim pa has a question in my court what if he gets on the phone and judy's like i didn't get rich by like i didn't get rich by paying for my own shit either i will say this what's a more valid court the ncbara or judge jr Judy. I'll say Judge Judy because people accept those adjudications. Yes, that's right. And also, and also people, people want to go on Judge Judy.

Nobody wants to go to the NCAA. What if Judge Judy is eating two half pound burgers every morning as well? And that's what they were talking about. Competitive eaters always have frames like Judge Judy. Judge Judy's like, I eat two half pound burgers,

then I don't eat another meal for the rest of the day. And I just sort of like, like a python. She understands. Fries and all? She's like, yeah, give me the heart. Harbaugger. That's why she's so, she ordered a Schembeckler. Yes. I have one other, one other thought, by the way, that if this man is consuming a pound of ground beef with the bun and all of the trimmons and then has fries behind it.

How many days a week do you think that's happening? Then 9.30 a.m. and the football facility. Does his office have its own bathroom? It's got to be critical. No, I bet he's right there in the locker room. I bet he's like, nope, where the players go, where Jim's going. Right here. What do you think is the longest period of time

Jim Harbaugh has gone without ingesting beef in some form? Has he ever been hospitalized? Six minutes. You need a beef? Like he has to wake up at night like a baby bird. He's just got like jerky from the ceiling. He's got a jerky chew in all the time. Just in the lip.

Gotta keep the level stable. Just infusing himself. He has a jerky dispenser like, the thing in Wayne's world with the red vine in the car. I mean, he may be at the point where even though his diet of beef and dairy solely is

dangerous. He's more protein now than man. Right. If he stopped, he would have that withdrawal. He's literal iron man. That's what you're saying. You got, yeah, you just got to keep it going or he'll die. Marbaugh's eating so much red meat that he's magnetized. Isn't this like the Jordan Peterson

diet? Like, wasn't this a thing on the end of the wild? And that's our time for. Thank you, everyone, for joining us. I'm just happy to see that there's a program doing things the right way. We're going to eject from the podcast right now before we start thinking about other opinions Jim Harbaugh might have. You should please thank you. Happy January 6th.

Thank you, Spencer Hall. Happy January 6th to Mike Gundy, Kim Mulkey, and everyone else celebrating out there today. Happy anniversary of the time that lady got to meet Ronald Reagan. And please like that. and subscribe to the shutdown fullcast, DNF, and all other Meadowlark family shows and good night. Oh, wait, I have

one thing real quick. Just so you know. The one thing that makes me cast down on this story, on the menu, 2% milk or chocolate milk, $4, no refills. They keep the hole in the back. Jim would never. Jim would never go to a place that, A, didn't

offer whole milk, and B, didn't give you refills. What do you think is in the jug? Is that, does that come to the table? water? That's why it's on the menu. Water's not on the menu. All right, good night.

One jug. Yeah, yeah. All right. Bye, everybody.