Shutdown Fullcast - MERRY CHRISTMAS IT'S WEEK ONE

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

The first full week of the 2018 season is here, and that means it's time to talk about Defending Split National Champions UCF and Alabama, Spencer doing actual research to hate on Auburn's chances against Washington, Virginia Tech's 5 man defense, a list of extremely Texas names on Texas Tech, Boston College's most perfect dude, San Diego State beating Stanford because it's part of a narrative arc, Ryan insisting Notre Dame should never have scheduled Michigan again, and Jason reminding you that Kennesaw State's approach to turnover paraphernalia is the purest and best. (Also UAB was way better than Florida and Tennessee last year even though they were basically in the "toddler who just got out of the hospital after a scary illness" stage of college football program development.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. This is the internet's only college football podcast. And finally, after many, many moons of sailing across the barren deserts, the void of the offseason. We're here. We already done, had some football. Like, week zero, that's the piddling little present you get to open the night before Christmas. Did you don't do that? Was that a thing in your house?

Say, Ryan Nanny? Yeah, it was for my wife, that is when they do stockings, which is confusing to me. I enjoy that I know very intelligent people for whom this slightest difference in holiday rituals is baffling. I'm including myself because... No, that's not why it's baffling to me. The whole point of stockings is that like that Santa's supposed to fill them, right? So why would you do it the night before? Because that's when the pre-Santa arrives.

That's when like the opening Santa comes through. John the Baptist. That's when the week zero Santa. It's Week Zero Santa. We just boo him off. We just boo him off the stage, right? You trash. You trash.

Please welcome Nick Rolovich. Yeah, it's Hawaii Rainbow Santa. He comes through and he just shovel passes gifts into your stocking. And he sings, here comes. Santa Claus, but to the tune of Crazy Towns Butterfly. Mike Bobo! Mike Bobo, I got you a hot seat. I think, like, Week Zero Santa, it's like,

Santa's already here, Santa's already here, and now he's already gone. Come, my lady, come, come, my lady. No? I, uh, the one holiday thing that baffles me is that my wife's family, they used to open their presence when they had an order. They would open them in order,

so everyone would watch you open one and then they would go, no, wait, you open one as opposed to my family where you just went in like Visigoths, right? Like a pack of bears that broke into a dumpster. Exactly. Just, that's not even your gift. I don't care. I hate paper so much.

It was. It honestly, it looked like if you just let a bunch of raccoons loose into a room, that's exactly what they would do, right? You're like, my little brother's over there washing a phone in the dog dish, right? Like, that's what our Christmases look like because my parents were just came up. They just like, fine, burn down the tree. Open things that aren't yours. You know what?

The Christ child loves it either way. That's right. I mean, it was, you know what? It was not unlike Jesus going through the money changers, right? Exactly. The classic Christmas story. Yeah, I'm Jesus kicking bankers' asses. Gold, frankincense, and...

This is our Christmas, though, because we get, if you don't count week zero, you get starting Thursday a full Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday. You even get a game on Monday. That's five dang days, a college football, all in a row. magnificent spread ahead of you games which will in the long term probably just be a big sack of lies probably just be nothing relevant to anything that actually happens to the rest of the season

and uh i don't care y'all care i don't care hell no no put it on me let washington have a win uh over auburn that's like 45-7 and auburn goes on to win the cc that'd be cool i don't care let them have it it's not a conference game That's right. This is an SEC West game. Bench the starters. They both go 12 and 1 and they both go 12 and 1 on Auburn makes the playoff. I think Gus should just do that. That's the most brilliant strategy of all. If he just goes full Popovich, right? Like, sorry, guys, I got a rest up for the SSC. West. So we're going to start a red shirt freshman named Thoy, Charg.

Not Chad, but Charg. Patty Mills is here. Yeah, Patty Mills is wise. You know what? He's just a valuable bench player, man. We're just seasoning them. Seasoning all of them. Chris Peterson's like,

what hell are you doing, Gus? I didn't come all the way to Atlanta to play a 5-foot-9-170-pound quarterback. Oh, yeah, you sure did, as it turns out. But you got miles out of it. Whatever, it's like playing Oregon State. Stop whining. The best part is that even if he did that,

the Pac-12 would be like, We told you! Vindicated! vindicated The other reason I like this plan is this way Auburn loses but because they benched all their starters the playoff committee is like well we devalued

that win for Washington Yeah they excused that loss for Auburn because like well all their players were hurt Evidently yeah ESPN preempts half the game once this happens for like Overwatch and now in progress to the Overwatch World Cup

We felt that we, the committee felt that once Auburn returned all his players from injury in week two, they were a much better team. Yeah, this is the point, y'all, though. We got week one stuff coming. So what we actually are able to do tonight on the full cast is discuss real football that will be happening in just a matter of days. Hallelujah, praise me. Do you want to get started on that? Let's. Thursday, we start on Thursday?

Oh, yeah. Jason, you want to kick us off? Boy, do I. On Thursday. In Atlanta, Georgia. Most important game on Thursday. At the Undead Ted. Turner Field repurposed into a football stadium

with a capacity of 900 people, Kennesaw State, Georgia State, the Battle of I-75, or at least a tiny portion of it. the FCS team is favored by 1.5 points and climbing for pretty good reason because they won twice as many games as the FBS team which has recently lost to an NAI team

and lost to another NAAAIA team I'll just keep talking shit about Georgia State until someone cuts me off oh no we're fine with this we're going to this game right I've purchased several tickets I believe we'll be able to purchase more this is we might be able to

is will we see the following things at Kennesaw State for those of you who don't know the defense does have a tradition they do not have a turnover chain they have a turnover plank it's a plank of wood with the face drawn on it

from which cartoon Jason Ed Ed and Eddie yes it's the plank Atlanta's own Atlanta's own Ed Ed and Eddie they do play at what it's like Peach High School or something Peach River High School

Peach Creek isn't that it I don't believe so it's basically Atlanta and I don't know if it's made by adult swim we'll claim that so a a like freshman backup wide receiver found a stick of wood on a vacation spring break in Florida and that became like the university mascot so Georgia State has no prayer absolutely none no you know what owls do they swoop in silently no no they make noise they did yeah they make make big, scary noises. They make noise. I have a two-year-old, but she knows that. Gonna drop a parliament on your ass. So, yeah, here comes the Flexbone, FCS Flexbone. Now, once that game is out of hand,

once Canisaw State is, you know, ahead by four touchdowns. We're Flexbone teams. We'll be up by, like, one touchdown, but carry on. Forever. You'll be up by 10 points forever. And because I like being wrong, I'm going to this game and rooting for Georgia State.

but once did you miss the part where I like being wrong speaking as someone who was actually into a week one Georgia State game versus Georgia State why would you do that again I like being wrong just let me have this about the most fun we've ever had at a football game that was so much fun being like three out of 17 people

at Georgia State versus whichever division five team they beat with a second field goal sorry yes sorry to the Abolines. So once this game is out of hand, if you want, there's another 7 o'clock game on Thursday. You could watch number 21 UCF at Stores, Connecticut, to face the Yukon Huskies. You could do that. Buddy, that's what I have to. Well, should we talk about that?

They got a trophy. They got counterfeit trophies now. They have self-s. We have false idols in civil conflicts. That's the thing you know it's a big deal, though. Remember the civil conflict trophy, the only rivalry trophy I know of, which was, which died of neglect, just forgotten on a field. I mean, I feel like Paul Bunyan's axe has done that by this point. Like, is Wisconsin really cultivating that thing?

I mean, do they... The thing's probably soured by this point. You could nail it to a wall. Let's face it. It's basically like made of... cheese at this point Minnesota gets it back in like 2028 and doesn't even recognize it anymore 20 2038 more like when an elderly PJ Fleck is like wait hardly got him back still there took me years he's like grown hair that's how long he's been there yeah nobody's nobody

earth has flooded and now we will row I was right I was prepared for water world and you were not Yeah. When Earth floods in Minnesota is the land of one lake. You thought row the boat was a motivational tactic. It was preparation. Now you have a boat and an axe. We're ready to play Minecraft. We're not being fair to UCF, though, who recently got in the NCAA record book for their,

now we can say national champions, right? It's in the record books. I mean, as SPNation.com tried to tell you in January, the UCF title claim was only going to get more and more official. We tried to warn you, but some of you still weren't prepared for in August when the record book showed up, and it said right there, national poll champions, 2017, Alabama and UCF. It's official. Was it the Collie Matrix? The Collie Matrix, one of the... As Jason was so grateful to point out, let us all celebrate Alabama's 2017 split national title.

Alabama won a share of a title. A disputed title Thanks to a miraculous coaching change by Nick Sabin In some heroic overtime play Alabama claims a piece of the 2017 title It would have been funnier if that happened to Georgia In my lifetime Georgia Georgia has 0.5 national titles I mean Tua didn't come in until the second half right That's half a title

Sorry Yeah, that's a good point So, Scott was wallowing in that level of indecision No So UCF, congratulations We're going to treat you like a champion now And that means the minute you lose your third game or whatever Oh, the media hate

Oh, the dynasty is over What happened? What happened to this once proud champion That we will now shit all over And talk about how they were always a lie Who benefited from blah blah blah blah blah So The minute you lose to Yukon on opening night

you all want to know something fucked up about you con it's really fucked up it's really fucked up about randy edsel okay so randy edsel is 60 and as i was talking mentioning to y'all before uh we started recording he played he played college football at syracuse what happened hey we're we need to restart i think yeah hold on god fucking damn it hold on actually i mean one good thing about going live as our audio quality will actually improve in some ways oh no absolutely not we'll just be going through one feed at least somebody's somebody's gonna fall through the floor that's pretty good oh shit oh damn it i'm into hell i fell into hell so think i'll get me all right that's a shit that would happen to

No matter what happens, can we leave in, Ryan saying I fell into hell, somebody can get me. We're leaving, we're leaving all of it in. All of this stays. Enjoy the week one preview, folks. No edits. All right. So, as I was saying, Randy Edsel played college football at Syracuse and then played coached rather, I think the first 10 years of his career was an assistant at Syracuse.

He's 60 right now. Do you know who his head coach was when he was a teen slash early 20s college football player. P.J. Flett. Donovan McNabb. Tom Coughlin. That's how old Tom Coughlin is. He coached Randy Edsel as a

player in college. Tom Coughlin is so fucking old. It's amazing. He's the world's most chapped man. He's been building that layer of chapp for 73 years. There's a damn exoskeleton at this

point. You think I'm I'm letting the wind win. No way. I'm stronger than the wind. When Tom Coughlin find people for showing up early to meetings? Wait, really? Yeah.

He finds straight hand. Like not early enough. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. He shit up early. And he was like, I'm on time. And they're like, no, you're not early enough.

So I'm going to find you for showing up early. Just let the meetings start whenever you want people to be there. That's just petty. Yeah. That's like some office space. manager shit like the personal flair guy that's that kind of type of shit

oh uh spencer can i get a real good god damn it ryan god damn it ryan it's the year's first god damn it ryan game of the week or at least of the thursday this is this is my thing where i pick a game nobody wants to talk about but i'm going to talk about it savannah state at uab christ almighty Thursday at 8 o'clock. And given the the phonemes and moniums in this word, I vote that we rename this school

Nanny State. Wow. Nanny State versus With an eye. Dragon A&M. Savannah State, this is news to me. I learned this tonight.

This is their last season in the FCS. Do you know which way they're going? They're not going up. They're not going up. Thank God because. Thank God because Florida State would schedule them twice a year. They enter this year with, I think this is their 18th year in 18th or 19th year at FCS. They're 22 and 140.

Yeah. Last year out of 254 teams in D1, they were 237th in Sagarin. and that was a good year for them. It's not all negative, though. This is your friendly reminder that UAB finished with the same record as Michigan, a one win better than Texas, and won as many games as Florida and Tennessee combined. That sounds right.

And all this is, like, directly after they hopped out the grave. Yes. So I'm not saying you should watch this game, but at some point on Thursday night if you see a score go by that you're like that doesn't make 72 to zero at halftime might be this game just keep it in mind

yeah that's uh I'm sorry there are more god damn it Ryan's ahead don't worry Friday Friday Hey Friday August 31st this is uh anything going on that day

well I mean we got a little got a little something going on Is this one we want to... So we want to talk about podcast business? Pupu-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poddcast business. What's that business? Podcast business. Dick.

Hold that business. So, um... Sing it to the very... Sing it to the very beginning. In fact, we're here to talk about college football events, such as the shutdown forecast live show in Atlanta. There are literally only a couple dozen tickets left. Um, so if y'all won do not dawdle.

Because the thing, to be clear, we would lie and say that that were the case if it weren't just to make ourselves feel better and make it seem like this was, but that is true. Jason is telling you the truth. So like out of the 350 seats, which is three times as many as what was recommended for a podcast of our stature, there are only a couple dozen left. Shut down forecast. We're exceeding the recommended safety weight limit. Listen, man, all we do is exceed expectations. Get in this elevator. of you sure this boat can hold five more people bj flex said so and uh yeah i mean

there'll be football going on at the time uh colorado colorado state's probably the most noteworthy game just it's always gets real stupid and as we've already learned this year colorado is colorado state is capable of getting stupid so you know keep that on your second screen well actually only only screen because you know if you're at the show you won't have the main screen. By the way, respect already for Colorado State. Again, I'm not here to watch teams that are real good at things. I'm watch teams that are here to get stupid.

What are you here to do? It's a party. I'm here to get stupid, naked, take a crap in your aquarium and, you know, make a couple of memories. It's Colorado State. More than capable of that according to their performance against Hawaii. I'm here to get down by 30, almost win, and still lose as an 18-point favorite. Yeah, but, you know, have like a massive, you know, five touchdown comeback or whatever.

Let's just, let's do that all year long. That's fine. Like, like, old miss, oh, we're going to talk about you. We're going to talk about the game you're going to play. I don't really care if you win or you lose. I just want to see some, some property destroyed. That's really all I want. Yeah.

Speaking of property destroyed, the Duke Blue Devils. That's not even a segue. way that's what we dare to go up against on a Friday that's right we know we know we know we know a nation will crave television coverage of army at Duke at 7 p.m. that's like the most competent football game I can imagine there's going to be like one penalty oh yeah so like there there is a there will be a serious race to see what ends first our live show or that game like we are really counter programming this like do you want to be bored out of your goddamn mind watching the most like sane rational football game ever or do you want to see something really

stupid because we can offer that do you want to see planning and identity and you know crisp movement in concert or do you want to see spencer and jason and me and a bunch of other idiots and holly probably in a helicopter overhead with a sniper rifle why she have it i don't know that's what you're there to find out ryan it's a sniper harpoon gun A snipoon gun. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, that game's going to be over so quick.

Army threw the ball 65 times last year. If they throw it, if they throw it 65 times this game, ultimate table flip. I am not left-handed. What? Whoa. Army comes out and does the run and shoot. Mine blown. be amazing i'll tell you i will tell you there's a fun there's a fun fact here uh which is if you

are the gambling type duke's favored by 13 and a half i ask you if army gets up by like i mean even early if like they just get up by like seven or 10 that ain't holding oh no because that'll that'll be like those stories about people who get like caught in escalators or whatever isn't army's entire job just the run and shoot Oh my God, they've been running. We've been running the run and shoot for 200 years, son. Yeah, this will be good old man football, too. Because, like, David Cut Close offense, if you've watched it, it's a bunch of mean tricks.

It's a bunch of like, he's such a dick. He's such a dick. He's such a, like, oh, looks like they're going to run. Hey, it's a pass. Rolled out. What a clever guy. Dumped it to the fullback for six. There's a lot of that.

There's a lot of okey-doke. And Army runs a triple. option which is nothing but play fakes and oky-dotes so there's going to be a lot of cadrey old man football going on here and yeah it should come in at like two hours and 40 minutes total yeah david cutcliffe's whole approach is like your your old uncle who's like well the appetizer portion of fried shrimp only has two fewer than the entree but it's six dollars cheaper and i don't want vegetables in the first place so so i'm getting two appetizers yeah he's the guy he's the guy who figures out that if you sit down for happy hour, or if you sit down for like a $5

black check table, they'll grandfather you in. He's like, I've been here since 1 p.m. It's a 75 dollar table. When I started $2 a hand. I haven't seen my family in months. But the savings. The savings. This is called making inflation work for you. What I sat down, it was 1987 and this was a nickel table. I would also point out that on Friday we have control. We have a game, by the way, that everybody.

thinks that like Sanford's going to win and I'm not I'm not real sure wait who says who thinks that they lost this game last year they did but they're favored again well Rashad Penny's not on San Diego State anymore like like that matters I know which teams

it does matter no I know which teams won double digits in terms of wins over the past three years and I know which team has a habit of stumbling out of the gate slow because they're studying Stanford

Stanford always starts slow San Diego State don't play that studying shit no no no no do you know what they've been doing watching film and vaping and vaping on the beach vaping film vaping film they've been firing

airsoft guns at each other in a dorm room all right and playing Fortnite well Stanford these nerds have been hiding from the sunlight getting vitamin deficiencies and studying and coming out of the box, slow. This is also important because San Diego State winning this game sets up nicely for Stanford to then turn around in Pubble, USC.

Exactly. Please, thank you. I'm glad you can see the arc of history unfolding before you. I feel like that's happened about eight years in a row. Right. You know what's going to happen? You'll be like, oh, Rashad Penny's gone. They have another undersized running back and some quarterback who can complete a bunch of rollouts

and a defense that's like, yeah, they're all like, seven pounds underweight but they're mean as hell that's the san diego state they're going to win ten games this year done all right you're gonna watch you're gonna watch this game we will next talk about them in mid-december exactly so go aztex so that brings us to saturday saturday it is which which noon game do you want to start with so spencer already started talking about one, which is Ole Miss versus... Versus Texas Tech, yeah. Come on.

Like, the Moss Grande al-Stupido game of the week. The dumbest, if you want to know, if you just want to put... If you just want to do the like, like, Willem Defoe turning into the green goblin thing, where you're just like, ah, you know, screw science. I'm going to drink this and strap myself into a chair. Ole Miss Texas Tech. Rocket kite! Yeah!

Shouldn't have a sharp thing on the front? Yeah. They call it beta testing for a reason, cuck. I'm going to do it myself. Yeah. Just put old Miss and Tex Tech into your eyeballs. Is this game in Jerry World, no less? Yeah, and the over-under for this game is, ah.

This is the dumbest fucking game. We're wasting a ball game in week one. Why are we doing this? Like if this is Because Ole Miss is Old Miss Bull eligible? Oh, that's why. They got to play at week one.

Dude, I hope they just make this a bowl game anyway. Just call this shit the Zaxby's ball and we are good. And Ole Miss is pulling out the civil conflict trophy. Look at that. Whoa. Texas Tech has now killed Tony the Shark. Yeah, no. OMS Texas Tech.

A horse. Do you know, like the priest's, the priest's, The preseason read on Texas Tech has been, this is going to be a really different Texas Tech team. They've got like 10 returning starters on defense. They're going to win games in a different way. This is going to, it's going to look a little different, fellas. Hors shit.

Absolute horseshit. This is Texas Tech. Who did you eat today? You know, something I'm allergic to. I like my favorite thing about the Texas Tech is good at defense now thing is, Okay, guess where tech ranked in opponent-adjusted S&P-plus defense? 1801. Yeah, Holly is extremely close, 88th.

Damn it. Yeah. So, like, I mean, you always hear the knock against the Big 12, the Big 12 defense of Big 12 defenses is, oh, well, you need to adjust it for the quality of offense. Well, even if you do, Texas X defense was still bad last year. It was, like, vastly improved, but still bad. You're telling me they're basically improved, but still that. Yeah, you're telling me they're bringing back. Maybe it vastly approves again to average.

Yeah, so you're telling me they're bringing back a bunch of the same guys from that. Okay, cool. I get to eat the same thing three days in a row. Yeah. Which like, okay, let's go back last year and see what Ole Miss does against average defenses. I mean, this isn't a stew. It doesn't really get too much better, you know. The flavors really have a chance to meld.

Let's talk about reliable stuff. dull work old miss that's the thing is that we're like man Texas Tech is just it's just volatile bad bathtub meth there look what's on the other side line

this is a bat this is basically the game version of you and your dumb friends in middle school being like what happens if we throw an aluminum baseball bat into a wood chipper that's Reddit you just described Reddit

I mean oldness is probably the better team I don't know if that matters in week one. I just don't. Like, are you going to tell me with the straight face? Yeah, man, I think Matt Luke's really going to have these guys ready to go. Okay. Just based on my history of watching Ole Miss play,

I think they'll definitely do one of two things in this game. The university football franchise that would make John Heisman retire twice. That's old miss. Madness. In other words, a boon for you, viewer, just get that 12 o'clock slot. Put it right into your jugular. Don't start gentle. Don't put milk in your coffee, right? Don't, don't rise slowly from bed. Bolt up with the angry thunder of a thousand generations behind you going, wake off. Yeah. Well, let's not talk about the generations behind you when it comes to Ole Miss. Hey, everybody. It's Neil Patel, editor-in-chief of The Verge. I host a podcast every

week called The Vergecast with my friends Paul Miller and Dieter Bone. We've got a rotating cast of characters from our entire site, which is about technology, how it impacts culture, and how that is all a big cycle that causes us to have a wide variety of feelings that you can listen to every Friday. We've done over 300 episodes in six years since the Verger's been around, but you only need to listen to one, the latest one, to get caught up on everything in tech news. Vergecast is on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, everywhere else you listen to podcasts, check it out. these we've had to replace

starter Nick Shimonach from last year these are possible starters at QB for Texas Tech I may have made some of these up but they there are real ones in here are you ready? Yes Yes Blurt Corker

That no false Jet Duffy Real real with two T's He is real Blurt Corker Rowdy catch a can Real Minister

He's not real He's not real Wink Arkwright He died 75 years ago Correct McLean Carter Real Real

Correct Damn it Tungsten Dowager Fake asshole He's in the He's in the 2022 class If I said real You'd put it

You'd be on your heels for a second You'd be like I don't know Yeah we didn't get the licensed for Wolverine. What should we call them instead? Actually, if it was tungsten Dowager and the 10 was spelled with the numbers, that would actually be a real big. If you did that, now you got a SoundCloud rapper if you do that. Yeah.

Let me rephrase. Tungsten Dowager is actually unlicensed Iron Man. Lockness spelled with an L-O-C-K. No. Yeah, he's not real. Peel over Gander. Damn. Oh, that one's tough. I'm buying that one.

I want to believe. Yeah, it's fake. Bank Roller. Now, fake. I loved his album on no limit. How's this? Fake but not for long.

Like, there's a kid out there named Bank Roller. If there's a General Booty, there's a bank roller. Shout out to General Booty. The UCLA kid? Oh my God. It wasn't supposed to Jimovo

because he was like the second one. No, because he was the second one. There was a boss here. Boss Tugaloa. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Suspended for this.

game by the way but boss and then yeah those those those names are all fake now Ryan has a counterpoint he sent me these names and I want these are all actual names on the Texas Tech roster because you thought I was

being cute these are all actual names on the Texas Tech roster Jacks Welch J-A-X Mason McHorse McHorse that's the one of

I didn't believe was real. McHorse, how is it spelled? Horse with MCC in front of it. It's like Mayor McChese. So an Irish horse. Mason McHorse. It's a Scottish horse. The only way it's worse is if it's made, or better, excuse me, is if it's MacHorse.

Braden Stringer, Case Gatlin. God damn it. Trey Wolf. Two Fs. Who's a kicker? We have never told. a joke about the Big 12. Nope.

You know we have it, which is why I'm going to say this with the straight face. Wide receiver, Dax Nease, D-A-X-N-E-E-C-E. The last two are Thomas Pension names. Miller Royals, wide receiver, that's M-Y-L-L-E-R-Royles. And assistant equipment manager,

you went deep, Ryan, and I appreciate that. Cayman and Sell. That's C-A-Y. M-A-N. I don't know who wins this game. I don't care. Just watch it. Also, Florida Atlantic plays Oklahoma in like 98-degree weather at noon.

Which very well could be just as dumb. It could be just as dumb, folks. We get a lot of stupid at noon. So drink it in because hereafter, the noon slate, as you know, is largely populated by Illinois, somehow appearing on Maine ESP. in so take full advantage of noon having maximum fucking stupidity because you get you get lane kiven versus mike stoops at noon i am excited for oklahoma to like totally struggle in the first quarter this and all of us to be like oh shit oh no i'm really trying to see lane kiffin and

mike stoop's in full sun yeah they're going to be so puffy oh Oklahoma's going to score 67 points and win by 21 and we'll all still be worried about them Yeah, I want this, though. Coach Kiffin filled the water jugs with Bloody Marys. You know what's going to happen, though, is that Lane Kiffin will do this. Shift, man in motion, and the Oklahoma defense will go, what do we do? Okay.

That's it. Just Mike Stoops going, oh, God, they're doing that. I think the Mike Stoops protocol for that is everybody back up, back up, back up like 30 yards off the line of scrimmage. everybody. I like Mike Stoves because he's a guard to metal year salad game where he's just like, whir? You get the, makes the noise with a little exclamation point. Wait five seconds.

All right, resume patrol. I guess it's nothing. Oh, look, pornography. That's it. You just put up a pinup girl and Mike Stubes is like, oh, a lady. Man, Jason, did you do that? That's incredible. Yeah, that was me, everyone. just put a fucking cardboard box out there at Hback

in Mike Simpson They only got 10 men Never know Never the wiser We have the advantage Of all the coaches who would actually put a player in a cardboard box Lane Kiffin is number one I'm with a bullet on my list

And if he put the cardboard box in motion That's a TD every time God I want somebody to Spencer can't get another god damn it Ryan God damn it Ryan UMass Boston College What a fuck? What are you doing?

What a clock on Saturday? Ryan, can you see your crate for one of you are? I'm sorry. Go to it. Okay, listen, listen. So, folks, this is UMass which scored 63 points in week zero. Show some respect. This is the UMass team that went four and eight last year,

but four of those losses were by one score, including the Tennessee game last year, which we all remember. That's why you mentioned this. No. I didn't actually. I did it to remind you that A.J. Dillon, as a freshman last year, got 300 carries on the season. Steve Adazio has found his golden dude, and he will feed him footballs until he explodes. That's it.

That's all I got. What if A.J. Dylan just comes out after the sixth carry and just lays down because he's tired? I'd understand that. That's it. You used up all my career carries, coach. I'm done sorry warranty's up forever like the levy on bell

like in college he got like what was it about 50 million carries and now he's stuck on franchise deals forever AJ Dylan that's your future AJ Dylan does have a very Ravens maybe Chargers he has a very chargers feel yeah yeah

thinking sea hawks no they don't yeah that's right they actually they don't do offense every time they get the ball they just punt that's fine hi folks we're here to preview the NFL should we move to the afternoon slate

there's a there's a very important game in an NFL stadium in the afternoon slate we kind of already talked about Washington Auburn right okay next up you know actually I I do have a few more points to make on that. Oh, Jesus.

It's what happens when I actually prep. Come on. Oh, Mr. Research in the house. Okay, here we go. All right, folks. Spencer's got a PowerPoint. What is Auburn's record against ranked opponents to open a season? Like lifetime.

All time. Ever? Ever. 10 and 10. Six. John Boyce answer. Six. Oh, probably like two.

Mm-hmm. Auburn's one. Got to be like 400. Auburn's one and seven. I bet they've done that at least like once. You're stepping over my hatred here. I got to just let it out. Go ahead.

Go ahead. They're one in seven against ranked opponents. So, in season. One in seven. What was the one? It doesn't matter. No one cares. All right.

I don't know. They're one and seven. Hey, guys, I prepped. Simple follow-up question. Ah, come on. I said I prepped. I didn't say another person prepped. This is like White House Communications Secretary.

Doesn't matter. No one cares, loser. Move along. Move on. We're sick of answering this question. Move on. Not relevant. No, I'm sorry.

I was handed this information. If it's incomplete, you can blame the person who. The American people are tired of you asking this question, Ryan. I really want Spencer to be White House Press Secretary for a week just because all his conferences will just be negative shit about Auburn. Actually, I do have this in my notes. It was 51 years ago in a 7-0 victory over who?

I don't know. Houston. Why are you looking at me? It was over Tennessee, 7-0. Oh. Oh, God, damn it. That was 51 years ago. You can't be mad about that

And now Tennessee And now Tennessee's not ranked To start the season, so it can't happen I think Holly's catching way too many strays here Yeah Meanwhile, meanwhile Chris Peterson These four and three overall

One to one at you dub in these openers Mind you, I don't know if they know what an opener looks like Because Washington's opened the last two years Against Rutgers That's a way to do it This is like starting, this is like starting your running program with a long five-mile run after gentle interval runs to start your program the previous two seasons.

Yeah. The interval being like you walk for 10 minutes and then you jog for like to 10 seconds. Listen, Rutgers, you were the couch and the couch to 5K app. All right? You did your job. Then are there other afternoon games you all want to talk about? The mid-afternoon is not. not it's not loaded i think uh the the schedule cleared out for washington auburn which long

term probably the most important game of the weekend all jokes about the pack 12 aside the winner of this game is an excellent playoff position so i'm really looking forward to this game that's my one sincere statement for the for the episode huh okay same and i think i think Washington wins like i don't see a whole lot i just don't see a whole lot like they just have the ducks in a row they're established it like they're established it more important positions they've got I think better depth than they're more subtle overall and I'm just going to put it frankly I think Chris Peterson smarter than Gus Mal's on I don't think that's an insult like I just think you got all this time to prep and you don't have all your position set for Auburn it's it's a bad matchup it's just a real bad matchup and Auburn'll figure it out they'll get better later on Next. Next. Michigan,

Notre Dame. The noisiest game of week one. For folks who confuse importance with volume, this is your biggest game of the week. It's probably not going to matter. Notre Dame fucked up, right? Like, they could have just walked away from this rivalry forever with the shutout, saying, yep, 310.

That's the last time we played. That's the last time, unless the playoff committee or somebody else. forces us to that's it that's the end you can't you but now they've like just what was the point wasn't that the perfect way to end this

like weird sort of kind of rivalry this is the most Florida Gator thing you've said in a long time Miami fans are really feeling everything you're saying right now why don't you go do something you don't have to do go do that

why would you ever leave your state ever You should play Ball State every year. Oh, yeah. Like South Bend to Ann Arbor. Oh, what a huge sea change. Oh, see the world. Wow. Consider the splendors.

Come on. Stop it. It's out of conference, Ryan. Notre Dame is leaving their conference. The ACC. Yeah. This is an important ACC big tent matchup. Okay, to be fair, I do get why Florida wouldn't want to play ACC games.

Those have not gone well. none of them have gone well jason yeah yeah neither have games against michigan so just avoid this series entirely why would you conference limit it one day we will beat michigan i don't know when it's not true it's not true not some michigan that loses fcs games so i bet we do something awesome like we play michigan state in a bowl game and beat them by 40 and we're like yeah man bring it next year play michigan and like the outback bowl after kind of like a semi-disappointing nine and three year when we were supposed to be better Michigan waxes this by 20

man can you imagine how powerful the Gators would be with Ryan in the onion suit on the sideline they'd score like nine points Ryan would lose his enthusiasm though Ryan sitting and crying in the Outback suit yeah it only works at South Carolina

Ryan only makes the Gamecox better on the worst X-Man ever the best part is that you sat there and you were the good luck totem for a coach that both of us just chewed glass watching. Oh, I watched the whole first half in the press box.

Like, why did I do this to myself? I've seen this before. This movie hurts. Then you immediately put on a cartoon plastic onion rig and Will Mustamp became five times as powerful and Jake Bentley turned into the second coming of Brett Farve.

Yeah. Yep. Miracles are all around us. Michigan has the best defense I saw all year last year that wasn't named Clemsons. Oh, God, I just realized in this example, Will Mustamp is Gozer and I'm the stay puff marshmallow, man. Fuck.

You are the form of the destroyer. You must choose. Does anybody actually, do you have any clue what's going to happen? Michigan and Notre Dame? No. No. A lot of anguish.

These two fan bases are known for just, oh, God, you lose a game and Jesus, it's the end of the world. So we have that to look forward to. I'm picking Michigan because I have Michigan going really far, but I fully acknowledge that whoever wins this game is going to be massively overrated. Oh, yeah. This is the Texas's back game, 100%. And somehow that might be the conclusion we draw. Texas is back.

why because Michigan won yes yeah playing the part of Texas the Michigan Wolverine um and then there's Louisville Alabama which you know

sure no shit damn I think Louisville fans have a great attitude about this game just like hey man I'm numb go ahead punch punch me in the Gucci I don't

care Bobby Petrino was their coach how are you going to embarrass them yeah they're good oh god oh god is is papa john gonna show up to this game you were saying oh god and i was like wait did bobby petrino get fired again and i forgot about it no no i'm numb and can't feel anything it's so much worse when i have headphones on does does papa joe show up the extremes i have to go to, to feel any sensations at all.

Consider, consider. It's entirely possible. There's somebody out there who's had a threesome with Bobby Petrino and Papa John. Possibility or probability. You are Satan, Ryan. Oh, man. Get the away from me. Is it Rick Patino? Oh, no, no. Go, big papa.

find the schnatter splatter don't finish what you can't start oh god all right Spencer give me one more god damn it Ryan no you just did the worst thing anyone's I like that Ryan is implying it can get worse than what just happened also because I want to talk about Akron at Nebraska God damn it I'm worse

Are you sure about that? Yeah All right what if Akron wins We need to think about the amount of attention. That's hilarious. This is all I'm saying. This is all I'm going to say about this game. That's your analysis?

In hold on me for mine. You're like, what if Akron wins? Hold on. No, I have, I have, there's math to this, all right? Oh, I'm sure. Bill, shut up. In Bill's preview of 2018 Akron Zips, he said that last year's team was the Iowa of the Mac East,

which is to say that they won more games they should. they had a lot of turnover luck they were you know not you shouldn't necessarily just look at the record and say that's how good that team was if they're the iowa of the mac east how does the nebraska iowa game go these days iwas won that game three straight times and now you scheduled mac iowa what's wrong with you i think mac nebraska is northern illinois because they have won in lincoln recently damn hurtful um i just i just i just Listen, I just want you to imagine. No. You don't want to imagine all these Nebraska fans super excited because they finally got a coach that they want, who's got this pedigree, who's connected to the school, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If he goes out and he loses the first game of his career at Nebraska to Akron, to Terry Bowden.

Really? You don't want to talk about this? Sure, but it's not going to happen. I mean, they won their spring game. How are they going to lose to Akron? Scott Frost just came off a national championship. Yeah, come on. Have some respect.

If it gets bad, he can suit up. That split title, though. Split title. Yeah, it's a lowly split title. Hey, Scott Frost, Scott Frost hiked the Grand Canyon. This off-season. Scott Frost's second split title, by the way, Michigan.

Go figure that Michigan would legally secure. a national title we don't we don't have to talk about the nebraska game anymore you can you can move on i'm sorry that's fine i'm actually you know i won't watch this game but i will record it because like you know i do want to see the offense in action they got adrian martinez the exciting freshman is actually starting which like i feel like everyone knew was going to have had there been any quarterback battles where like the winner was at all different from what everyone totally expected like why do we do this every single year it's like oh god the months and months of drama And every single one is like, yeah, that's exactly what we expect.

And Nick Savenen comes out and says, like, I don't care. It doesn't matter. They'll both play. And we're like, yeah. I glued them together. They're one man now. It's like, yeah, we know that. You literally played them both in a fucking national title game.

We know you don't care. You know, we really do actually need for athletes only Fortnite leagues to become a large thing because then we will have something to talk about in the off season that has tangible meaning and results. and we won't have to do all this bullshit that we do to fill the two-thirds of the year that are not full of games. I am going to flip the script on Ryan here. Ryan, can you give me a God-Dame at Spencer?

Oh. God damn it, Spencer. Boise State at Troy. How are you just sleeping on Boise State? That's a good game. That's a good game. If that was on Thursday, that would be the game of the night. Akron's not in it.

So it's a good game. Nebraska is not in it. So it's a good game. I would like to elucidate my reasons for being excited about this game. Okay. Among them being that it might be fun to watch a team do to Boise what Boise does to other teams. Like if I'm an AD and I'm scheduling and I'm scheduling my season opener, my out-of-conference season opener, there's one adjective that I want to avoid.

And that adjective is pesky. Mm-hmm. Like you don't want, you don't want plucky and talented and kind of mean. Like that streak where Tennessee played Louisiana Tech to open the season for several years. Don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. And then hired their coach.

Yeah. Don't do that either. See? Yeah. See? Don't. Don't hire somebody just because they beat you because that might be on you, not them, if you know what I mean. But yeah, Boise State goes to Troy.

Boise State's like, they're favored on the road by this. Do you know Boise State, by the way? You want to talk about like going unnecessarily big to start the season? They start their season at, I believe, at Wyoming, at Troy, right? And at Oklahoma State, which again, it's my favorite kind of road trip because it sounds like, it sounds like you're fleeing the revenue. It does sound like you're running from the law. He saw a shelter in Troy, Alabama, then went to Stillwater, then all the way.

to Laramie where he was saying. No, it sounds like he's touring. If you've seen or have any information about Boise State, please call our hotline. That's it. This is not the, the, the guy, what's the guy on date line? Mancoitz, Josh Mancoitz. Yeah, this is not the guy on Josh Mancoitz, who Bill Hader has a great fit about Josh Mancoitz, always claiming like, somebody was killed in Aruba, I'll go there.

No, no, no, no. This is, this is the, Josh. This is the crap young reporter who gets the like, there's been a murder in Troy, Alabama. We're going to need you to look into it. They got a Publix now. A town so quaint, they celebrated the arrival of a Publix. But it turns out there was a different kind of sandwich on the menu, a murder hoagie.

It's close because that's where the murder app. A murder Publix. But yeah, this is... But what they really needed was a hero. Yeah, the Neil... God damn it. That's the positive kind of goddamn. I'm in awe.

Thank you. All I do is my kids. This is a good game. Boisey Troy, I think it's the best non-AAC mid-major game of the year. This isn't even the game you want to talk about the most in the evening of Saturday, Spence. No, no, no, no. I was going to let somebody else do that. No, you want to.

Come on. 10.30. Are we talking about the 10.30 p.m. special? We are. We are. Oh, because you know what happens at 1030, y'all You're already tired UTSA at Arizona State

It's time for her Y'all that's past his bedtime I hope he coaches this from a cot From like a pull-out couch he's brought in it I think he's got like old-fashioned jammies N. N. PJs with the sleepy cap with a little A little sleepy ball on the sleepy hat

Seriously though of the myriad of ways in which we considered Herm to be an ill fit for this job I have to admit, Pac-12 scheduling did not enter my mind until just now. Because y'all, it's not only UTSA is really good. It's also not like they're untalented. It's not like they're too far off from the overall depth that you might find at, I don't know, Arizona State. It's not...

Are you considering Arizona State? I keep going back and forth because I'm also like, I don't know, Arizona State is sort of talented and just snubble. up and around and then this came up and I was like oh god they're really doing this aren't they so in this game what would be the result that we wouldn't overreact to um lightning cancels the game okay okay but even that is like Herm's going to be out there like see God didn't want any doubles on his field I mean we didn't overreact we wouldn't overreact to like to like 34 14 Arizona State we just kind of win for Herm he's really got

the shit figured out. I mean, no, but if it was just kind of dull and, like, it only picked up at the end. Drop it down. Drop that down to 26.14. Yeah, a slow start with a flurry of garbage time touchdown. Okay. Probably what we have to look forward to. Probably what we want to react.

With no major errors, right? Like, nothing that we could go fawn point out and go blah. Told you. I don't know. Even that is like, okay. I see. I guess he sort of knows what he's doing. I feel like there's nothing that can happen here that wouldn't be over.

Like, stuff's not going to fall apart there right away. No, but it might. I don't know. Like, I saw this go up and I was like, what's going to happen? And I thought, I don't know. This could go sideways. I kept looking at UTSA and going, they're not that bad. Well, look, speaking of Arizona State, can I veer for a second and talk about today's ESPN release that announced the return of Coach's film room for week one?

Yeah, who's in the film room? most unpleasant collection of people that I've ever seen assembled in one place plus Gene Chisick. Poor Gene Chisick is in Coaches Film Room alongside, I believe, Mac Brown, Todd Graham, Jim Mora, and collecting what I'm assuming is a pretty good-sized paycheck from the worldwide leader, noted family values enthusiast Hugh Fries. Oh, Hugh's back. Yeah, yeah, isn't that special? Aren't we glad he's being given a platform for his opinions?

He better not check his phone. And meme. Don't give him a joke. And click and save and meme and stretch. They just come back from commercial and he says, and that's when I learned about incognito mode. Shh, come on. Anyway, please take a moment to pity Gene Chiswick, stuck in a room with the

those four goobers. But Gene She's like so happy now, right? Isn't, isn't he like on the record being like, yeah? No, I know. That's why that's why I feel bad that he has to sit around a table with Matt Brown and Hugh Freeze for a night. What if he's between them? He's just going to do curls all night. He's just going to have the 35 pounders out doing curls for four straight hours. Hey, can I have my bowflex in here? Is that cool? I'm just going to bow flex the whole game. You can put a mic on me. It's fine. And I say this as I think the one writer in a America who gets along with Jim Mora like I don't know this this room sounds and I'm not saying by the way that this collection will make for bad television like all these personalities might

make for quite compelling television but man poor Jean Chiswick I hope I hope they all get together and they say let's start our own college yeah they do that shit then Todd Graham's taking another job you thought Todd Grammy thought five years at the same school would escape that joke No, sir. Oh, Todd Graham, sometimes another job takes you. Could it be a nursing school? This is what happens when you live in Pitt, motherfucker. You don't leave Pitt on our watch.

He was going to, you're going to, we're going to count phones for Hugh Freeze and see which ones belong to him and which ones belong to Bill Cosby's bookie. Jesus. What? Can we not tell that story? So, moving to Sunday on Sunday. The Lord's Day. can i tell you can i tell you what our what espionation zone uh ian boy described ls u's new offense has this is amazing amazing quote you ready god we moved on fast the tiger spring game unveiled a quote multiple unquote offense

featuring an under center downhill run game reminiscent of less miles spread rPO plays and a wide array of drop back passes so everything offense it sounds like yeah this sounds like a church picnic yeah so if you're inviting the offense to show up for lSU this year just pretend it's like the invite that you sent to the person who's like oh yeah i'll be there and you're like yeah we'll see you next week you're not making it here's how i made this offense i took a cup i got coke sprite cherry coke orange drink all of it just kept going it's the 13 layer dip yeah this is i got every color of mountain dew in here yeah this is a horrible greek diner menu where they're like, we make tacos.

I got the brown mountain dew. Oh, yeah, we can do lobster. The quarterback in this offense is going to be like the person you see paralyzed in front of the Zachsby's Coca-Cola machine. Who's like, oh, man, do we want to say that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to say it because if you're saying it because. No, I'm at the paralyzed part.

No, I didn't. I was like, come on. It's not that bad. No. Yeah. I mean the person. You mean hypnotized. That's right.

yeah just struck good edit right we'll work that in replace the word we'll fix that in post yeah we won't yeah they just and LLC just announced a starter today right Joe Burrow yep which I like because it is like what Ed Orgeron

would call Jonesboro if you asked him Joe Burrow Joe Burrow I like that it's yet another big 10 transfer hey look how well they did it with a Purdue transfer. Now they're getting Ohio State shit. Hey folks, let me tell you, where are you at? Tigers

Gathering, you know what I'm about to say. Say it with me. Danny Etling was a good quarterback. Danny Etling was an amazing quarterback. Well, he was good. Danny Etting was a good quarterback. Yeah, he was good. Joe Borough might be a good quarterback. No one will care. Everyone will shit on him regardless of what he does because he plays for LSU.

What a doomed life, man. You commit to be an LSU quarterback. literally nothing you can do. Everyone's just going to tell you you suck no matter what. Unless you're Matt Flanan and then everyone tells you you're stuck, you suck, but you're rich. And then you'll give you, oh man, what a fucking awesome life he had. He got that huge contract and then they just drafted some guy to do all the work. Anyway, this is still a Seattle Seahawks podcast. Matt Flynn is the richest NFL quarterback who nobody has ever recognized in public.

That is an awesome life. That's the dream, man. Yeah, that's perfect. come to LSU You don't have to play in the NFL I call this the witness protection QB program Yeah you just don't want to be the starter

Right They're like Always be next I think you can call it the witness protection program I think LSU probably has Emotional issues with turning states You're protected inside the alligator belly That's more like

Yeah By the way this is also this If you want if you go on the other side and you go, hey, man, Miami's got a real good defense. I wonder if their offense is going to show up. Nope. Nope. Nope. This game's going to be, you're going to be so excited.

You're going to come off with some craziness on Saturday. You're going to be so amped. You're going to go, oh, man, Miami LSU, it's the only thing on. And like 30 minutes into it, you're going to be like, shit, this is the only thing on. Man, this feels like watching Sunday night football. Oh, God, it is. This is going to be the game that makes you say, like, maybe we should only rank 15 teams.

Yeah. That seems like enough. Five minutes and we're going to get like, oh, hell yes, the turnover chain is back. I love the turnover chain. And then like an hour later, like, God, I'm sick of the turnover.

The only thing I'm looking forward to is the plank. Waiting all week for Sunday night. Want some points? Well, that's too bad. Nah, we'll see some pick sixes. Don't you worry. This game will be like 28, 21, and we'll be waiting to see who gets that decisive fumble runback.

Leading receiver, Greedy Williams. The winner threw for 103 yards. Yeah, she's got a really good cornerback named Greedy Williams, which is why when somebody's like, who are you picking in this game? I'm like, I'm picking LSU. You want to know why? Because they got a cornerback named Grady Williams, and both of these offenses are hot garbage.

all right so tune in folks we got a good show for you on sunday i'm greedy for garbage buffs then on monday you get to watch uh an offense that won't be garbage florida state because it's going against virginia tech's defense where are they they're all gone yeah virginia tech has roughly five scholarship defenders virginia tech thanos did defense over this over the summer it's amazing they're a balanced defense no fwente look fwente's a young guy he's got a lot of ideas about Kamari method and yeah you I have no feelings related to you dismissed bud foster

playing strong safety Justin Fuente dangling bud foster by the neck asking if he sparks joy just see a player just running undefended and unchased down the sideline suddenly beamed in the back with a lunchbox

bud damn it now that did spark joy that would Bud Foster threw the lunchbox at a player and he had to like quit. That's a great way to end your career. What'd you do? I got drunk through a couple of empties at the QB.

I'm not sorry. I do enjoy that Justin Fuente accidentally created one of his Memphis teams. Because the offense is going to be pretty good, right? They're going to be pretty good. And the defense is going to be optional. Yeah, you got like a young erratic offense. You go to like, oh, we're going to come to this blue-collar town

and we're going to play a bunch of coal mine football. No, hell no. You're Memphis now. Dude, Mountain Memphis is it real. That's a hell of a proposition, just conceptually. What is Mountain Memphis? What is the, that's a great wrestling persona? The Appalachian Memphis.

Yeah. It's Blacksburg now. Okay. Yeah. I mean, because I don't know what, the Appalachian Memphis before that. Oh, Virginia Beach. Is it Virginia? Is that, is that, let's do close to the wall.

we need some place up is the is the Appalachian Memphis is it is it Gallenberg I mean it might be Morgan Town Gallenberg ain't lit no Morgan Town it's probably you can't fight it actually actually yeah okay yeah the test for me is is at any point have multiple people been shot in a night for playing the wrong thing on the piano yes Morgan Town oh yeah yeah I got a cousin who put a guy who was cheating on her sister in the hospital ones using the broken off leg from a piano. Sounds like that good dude was lacking defense as well.

Yep. Go ears.