Shutdown Fullcast - Michael Lombardi Instagram Safari

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

Ryan helps Holly market a #disruptive new healthcare planSupplemental reading material may be found hereUnlike some other shows, we're not afraid to say these three little words: "Dracula's NFT collection"Kirby and Mario got jokes, shocking absolutely everyoneMack Brown gets his flowersOlympics updateDesignated survivor or bad hang?A harrowing new UFL tradition is unveiledThe Shutdown Fullcast is on Patreon. This is how we pay our producers, and occasionally ourselves. If you'd like to help with that, give us $4 a month (or a larger, funnier number of your choosing) and we'll give you bonus episodes. As of this recording we have delivered 27 (twenty-seven) bonus episodes since launching in August. We think this is a pretty good deal (for you)Now through March 31, 100% of proceeds from all PTKU merch sales will be donated to TransVisible Montana. Visit preownedairboats.com to purchase BRAND-NEW BLUE SHARKS GEAR #EXCLUSIVEShutdown Fullcast is produced by Michael Ray Surber Fullcast theme variant arranged and performed by Caleb Curtis DID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it’s notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason’s critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz

in a NyQuil Hayes last night. I remember that I had to write this down. I was convinced I should write this down. I was going to forget what it was in the morning, and it was so good. And I don't remember any of the details of it, except that I am absolutely positive that this was a business idea.

This was not a story or an interview topic or a character name. I don't remember anything else about it, but I was like, this is a fantastic business idea. And what I wrote down and the first thing I saw when I picked up my phone in the morning and looked at it was this, Dracula Plus. All right. Important.

Is that plus spelled out or plus the mathematical sign? Yes, but capitalized. Two words capitalized. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Positive that this was some type of service provider. No idea what else.

Sure. Dracula plus. Spelling it out feels more. Because like the plus sign could be a little cross, right? But I didn't have that presence of mind at 4 a.m. or whatever. Well, for whatever reason, I associate things with the plus sign is more in the media and entertainment sphere. And spelling out plus feels more in the health and wellness sphere. Insurance.

Insurance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I think what you're describing is a Dracula-based health insurance company where Dracula or a Dracula covers your costs and the premium is blood. Like depending on the world in darkness. Okay.

Like, and I think for a lot of people, that would be an interesting proposition. If you said, okay, take your current health plan. Replace, oh, you have to pay a $30 copay with you have to give Dracula this much blood for this procedure. you have to have surgery. If you're in market, you owe Dracula this much blood. Not dollars, just like literal blood money. And I think Dracula-Bless could be competitive in the marketplace today. I mean, I like the idea of diversifying Dracula's payoffs.

Because essentially, Dracula is a protection racket from Dracula. Very mafia-esque. How, how's, oh, this is a protection. See, even this has branches, though, because Ryan said Dracula is. insurance and I heard this as like from the makers of gorilla detector Dracula insurance right so Dracula is Dracula wants blood yeah he needs blood to live yeah Dracula also lives a long time we shouldn't say want like he needs like this is not a selfish thing let's be sensitive about this yes to Dracula right I mean at what point does one become the other right wanting yeah okay sure on a long enough time frame too by the way

Dracula possesses capital management capacities. We mortals could not possibly envision. I mean, I hope so. It would be funny to suck at managing your finances for thousands of years. Perpetually bankrupted Dracula. Yeah, just like broke-ass Dracula. Just like. Crumbling-assel.

What is this, England? Reverse morgan's got to me again. Also, Eastern Europe's cheap. Like, come on, man. But at one point, even accidental. Every financial panic in history. Right. Eventually, at one point, Dracula is going to accidentally accrues some wealth on a level that we can't even really comprehend. My point is, international trade, according to David Ricardo, benefits everybody.

And per Adam Smith, the invisible hand driving the market will make competition better. My point is this. What hand more invisible than Dracula? Correct. The invisible mouth. Yes. we could engage in this charade, Ryan, where I as Dracula chase you. Tired, bare market, wired, bull market, inspired bat market.

Right. You have to invite me into your house. Ah, the eternal charade. Oh, I'm trying to seduce you and lure you. Right. Whatever. We're beyond these things. I mean, you know who's tired of that?

Humans. Do you know who's really tired of that? Dracula. Dracula is so sick of this shit. Dracula. That's like the mom. adolescent vampire like, I remember when I used to chase. You know what it is? It's a toxic relationship. And that's bad for Dracula in the long term, too.

It's bad for Dracula. Also, man, Dracula, you might think somebody immoral has all the time in the world. They don't. It's hectic. He's got to get all this done before sunrise, right? And there's only but so much time that you can interact with him. Oh, daylight savings has to fuck with Dracula so bad. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of demand. There's a lot of demands on Dracula's time. So what I'm saying is, saying is this, you've got something Dracula means. Dracula has low cost, low interest loans from all of that money, right? He's paid that castle off years ago, okay? And has outlived all of the reverse mortgages. This is, by the way, something you can do. I read about a 114-year-old French lady. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. When you say this. Yeah, I read about a 114-year-old French lady who took out a reverse mortgage on her house and outlived the guy who took out the loan with her. Right? Dracula's done that like a hundred times. Right. I can't pay the rent. Kill the bank.

Kill the bank. Yeah. What I'm saying is this, you could go to a bank, right? Where you're like, oh, they want my blood. Why not go to the guy who actually wants your blood and that's it? Yeah. He doesn't want your cash. I think it's good to make it more transactional. I will say you visiting Dracula's Economicus like he has to have every it's got to be so many pogs and beanie babies and Dutch tulips like if it had a hot minute Dracula's got it in Dracula's basement somewhere where it didn't pay off right oh Dracula's NFT player I couldn't sell yeah Dracula's NFT collection so many slurp apes so many Slurp apes and Slurp juices. I am the original slurp juice. Like Dracula as a financial advisor would be peerless.

Yeah. He's going to tell you, he's like, what, you know, what do you invest in? He's like, listen, first of all, brother, blood, blood. But that you could create a subscription Dracula process that is, is your right blackmail protection scheme, but where Dracula says, hey, for $5 worth of blood a month, you send me the blood and I don't come to your house. I never will. I'll never cost you.

You'll never be on the streets of Romania at night and I'll fucking get you. Like, you are hands on, you are on the list of people I don't fuck with. And I think enough people would get into that that Dracula would be

well supplied. Now, the problem is you have to still go out and bite the occasional non-subscriber just to keep the market going. Like if people think, oh, well, Dracula's got enough blood, I don't need to sign up for Dracula Plus. That's not good for Dracula business. But otherwise, I think this is a great plan. And the best news is Holly's got all the trademarks to it right now. You can make you like and subscribe, but can he make you love? It's worth thinking about. Draculaplus.com. See, this is, this is, yeah, this is dependable, dependable returns against capital market

averages. Income, income streams. What's the ultimate stream? Your blood stream. Listen, founders, what I need from you is I need you to buy it. Okay. And you say, well, what do you give to a company? Blood, sweat, and tears.

I only want one of them. Yeah, yeah. Maybe some tears, too, baby. But happy tears. now you're free from Dracula. Oh, this is bullshit. That's right. What if I don't want to be afraid?

You realize how many times Dracula's fallen in love with the mortal? He doesn't do that anymore. Yeah. No. Dracula's, no. Dracula's cold as ice. Okay, I type Dracula plus.biz into my domain registrar, and I got an error message that says, and I quote, something seems broken right now.

And then I tried it again, and I got kicked over to a screen that says, we are enhancing the security of your account. Why don't you think this is me? This is the only way that we can find Dracula in 2026. What is the 20? What do you mean that's not a valid domain name? Because it's anti-Dracula measures. That's why we need Dracula Plus.

Who do we get but a verified Dracula? That's right. Yeah, blue check Dracula. I'm tired. I'm tired of these unlicensed non-union Dracula coming to my house. Doing shoddy work. Damn, who did the work on your, who did the work on your vampire bites? This isn't Dracula's work.

This is clearly some wildcat vampires. Look how raggedy that is. 799 a year well spent. Man, you know that's, you know that's a thing. I could get Dracula pl.us too. See how he did it all sideways? That's not grounded. That's not right.

That's not how you put Dracula. Vampires showing up like every blue collar worker has ever come to your house. Like every tradie who's just like, I can't believe. with this motherfucker Jesus. I can't believe. Let me guess.

Previous owner did it himself. Dracula himself. Just thought he could do it. Watch the YouTube. Dracula and yourself would be a neat trick. Hired his cousin. It was like, oh, undying curse of Romania. Founders, wherever you are right now,

try to bite your own neck, especially if you're in the car. Do this while driving. That's my point. It takes a team to make this thing run. Okay? That's why if Dracula plus is going to get off the ground. I need you to click that like and subscribe.

Somewhere Peter Teal's like, evil mind brain is going off and he's like, Acquired Dracula Plus, acquire for $10 billion. Do it. Do it. Yes. Yes. Wonderful idea. And next Dracula Plus kids. Oh, like Dracula minus kids. I do appreciate an entrepreneur. Like that seems like a terrible idea. I must invest immediately. To the shutdown full cast.

A little low on the range there, but I couldn't hit the high notes because we're fighting it. That's right. Doink, vocally speaking, for the ages. I am Spencer Hall, and you're listening to the shutdown full cast. This is the internet's only college football podcast and Dracula Business Plan Emporium. I am joined as always by Jason Kirk.

Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, and Michael Server on the ones and twos. For those of you who have not subscribed to Dracula Plus yet, I encourage you to go ahead and sign up. Remember, it's just blood. Dracula Plus, it's just blood. I wanted to start by talking about somebody, I like it when people get the gag. Like when you sign up for something and everybody instantly gets on board with what the general vibe of things are. If you don't know, there is something called the Spurrier Awards.

Okay? Did not know that we were on our fifth annual Steve Spurrier awards dinner. I don't actually know what the categories are. I know they honor players. That was my question. Okay. Yeah. It's just, yeah. They don't just award Steve Spurrier every year. No, it's, you know, it's one of the many million different kinds of college football awards. I think the funny and smart thing of it is apparently they do it in February, um, which feels very spurious like, ah, I'll get around to it. right right or he's like well you know the greens are open then january they you know tend to they need to seed but by February you can put on

him who knows what that man's doing in December and all the other awards happen do you know who won um legend coach of the year at this year's Steve spruyer football awards please tell me it was James Franklin Phil fulber her so worse that's choice Did Phil show up? I bet he did. Yeah, he did. I don't know. Yes, I think because during the thing that we will probably talk about, he was referenced from the stage.

Man, that's more credit than I would have thought to give him. Yeah, I tell you how much I love it. Good for him? That feels weird to say. That they waited until the fifth Sprier awards to give him that. That's great. Because, you know, like, in the Spurier Cosmos, to me, if I were going to give him an award based on priority of enemy, which is kind of what this is, paying respects to your opponent. Oh, Mark Ricks is one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets better than that because there was not a 2024 winner. Mark Richt was the 2023. Before that was Bob Stoops, which is like the first where it's like, okay, that's a direct Spurier connection. And they're not enemies. But Rickton and Fulmer. But that's Spurier pat himself on the back. That just started me and like that seems like the point of the...

Rick and Fulmer getting the two after like the first obvious one. That's beautiful. And he spent 24 ruminating on which of his foes would get it. Ryan, I was actually surprised to learn that him giving this award to himself was not, in fact, the point of the awards. Sure. Like when you were talking about that 114 French lady, all I could think was I don't want to live that long. Sure. But I kind of do now.

Like, I want to live long enough to be able to do this to people I kind of don't like. I like that there is a coach, a first-year coach of the year award. And you'll be surprised to see the winner was Dan Mullen, who is very much not a first-year coach. Evidently, it means first year at a new job, I guess. We got to go to these. This is an album of the year. That means you're committing to go to a restaurant in Gainesville in mid-February. Are you sure?

So relevant to the content that's discussed on stage. The number of restaurants available in SEC East Towns is also part of the city. That is also, yeah. This context that Steve Sproyer brings his coterie of villains to Gainesville to trash them, really informs what happened at the most recent Spreyer football. He's 2021's first year winners were Shane Beamer and Josh Hyple coaches, of course, of two SEC East teams long owned by Steve. Steve Spurrier. Hey, let's think about South Carolina and Tennessee. Would we like to do that?

Also, let's talk about a coach who was inferior to me at South Carolina. Hey, philanthropists of the year. It's Dan Snodder. Yes, again, yet again, for giving me all that money to coaches crap the NFL franchise. This is exactly what the Spurrier Award should be, though. Like, if they weren't this, I would be disappointed. No one's to be humiliated by me personally. But they show up. The wonder of it last night was due to video that emerged, from it, we learned that Kirby Smart has a personality. Well, beyond that, Mario Crystal Ball has a personality. Because Kirby was up there to discuss one of his players,

getting two of his players getting freshman of the year. Okay, I see what it is now. They both had players who were up for freshman of the year. Malachi 21 on offense and Ellis Robinson one on defense. Yeah, yes and yes. That's great picks. Like football relevant information here.

They're both very good. Tough calls. So Kirby is on stage first to accept it. The vibe of seeing him get on stage and Spurrier next to him, it like unlocks this entirely different Kirby Smart. I think like part of it realizes like, oh, I can't just get up here and I'm going to look really boring next to Steve Spurrier. So like he just unveils this.

And maybe it's what it's like to be recruited by Kirby Smart. Like maybe this is the person you get when he's trying to get you to sign an offer to take money from him. But he immediately goes into like, so I was talking shit to Mario Cristobal last night about him trying to steal our players. He's sitting by Ellis Robinson. Miami has a lot of money. I hope we keep our guy. Like it's just immediately cracking on Mario. And like he's walking around the stage and referencing this and that.

And he says he's talking about like the golf. tournament they do the older coaches and the old coaches and the old coaches are called legends and he says uh there was one time when uh i was and they have a real loose definition of legends derrick dully was there and um that's right sonny but that that thing goes on to like he's bragging about how good spurious at golf despite being old and can barely see and can barely move but uh so he gets off stage and then chris stoball takes the stage and it's immediately like oh i'm going to bust back i'm I'm gonna get mine back. I'm gonna get me my lick back. And he's like, you know, thank you, thank you coach.

You know, you can see what Carson Beck can do, of course, with good coaching. So maybe we'll take some more of your players or whatever, I'm paraphrasing. And like he keeps going. He like quadruples down. Like Kirby got one shot off. Mario's just like going in, going in. I'm up at the podium. Did Kirby ever make it all the way up here?

He's tall. He's tall. Oh, and, um, I mean, just several others laying. into the point where the crowd's like, oh shit. He calls back to this player, Kirby's player, who had been sitting by the Miami delegation. And he's like, yeah, by the way, our planes leave it at 9.30. We have more than one restaurant in Miami, unlike Athens. And this just, and he keeps going after that. No, that was not. This is amazing because Christobal and Smart not only actually have jokes. Like I thought, I think a writer's room was in order.

I think that was probably actually knowing them both being coaches. There was probably a meeting at 3.30, sitting down. He's like, hey, from 330 to 338, we got to come up with some good singers for coach. I would buy that except for the part where I don't think either of them can memorize stuff and say it. Well, there's also this. Kirby, are you going to bring up the Kirby one that I want to talk about? Oh, does it involve carbohydrates? Yes. So go ahead. Okay. So now Elaine Kiffin pioneered this, but now we could just say it. Everyone thinks Kirby's fat, and you could just make jokes

about that. Now, I say this by the way, Kirby has a big face, and I relate. When you bloat, it looks like you gain 10 times as much weight because the face is just a multiplier, right? He Kirby's, as he, Kirby, noun, Kirby's verb. Yes, he does,

right? He just swallow stuff, and it looks like he's swallowed way more than he has because he's got a big square head, and he's got jowls, and they'll just blow up even bigger. five three go to the face that kind of thing so what crystal ball said building on the previous work by lane kiffin calling kirby fat was crystal ball came up to me and he's like you got to start getting some protein shakes in you've had too many carbs smart said so i told him you got to spend more time around

steve spire because he won more conference championships at duke than you have at miami god in heaven and then of course mario claps back on this by pointing mario class back on this by pointing out like multiple times by the way we went to the fucking national title game didn't say fucking but yeah he's like yeah it's good literally had a better season and this guy's talking shit about conference titles yes yes yeah he said uh christmole said to him hey congrats on the cc the championship that's awesome we were five and oh against the cc i don't know what you were this great shit man it's great shit just let i want to go to these and all of it starts with Kirby was saying like, so me and Mario

were hanging out, which I'm guessing means drinking, drinking. Oh, I just imagine that Kirby's one of those guys who can do the like, hey, listen, why does Charles Xavier have you here at the academy? And he's like, watch his shit. He summons like a 12 pack of bushlight just instantly. That's his thing.

Like Kirby's just got the power to like, WONK, 12 pack of bushlight. That's why he started Stets of Bennett, because Stets of Bennett was like, watch this shit. And he was like, Wormk, 24 pack of bush light. He could summon. Do you know who I don't think could do this? Kurt Signetti.

I don't think Kurt Signetti could do any. I don't think that's a club in his bag. Right. I don't think his brain can tilt that way. He's funny, but I don't think he's going to be take a joke and repartee with equal amount of force, right? Yeah. Like his clapback is going to, he's going to shoot you.

I think this is the difference between being like an elite serving tennis player and being like an Olympic ping pong ball champion. These are both incredible feats of precision and skill, but in different ways. I think it's the difference between Nick Sabin in the 2010s, if you asked him to do this versus Nick Sabin now. Like Nick Sabin now could do this shit. Yeah, Tee-Haha.

Ten years ago, what no Tee-he? I do appreciate recognizing the environment and the arena here because it's like, hey, these are Steve's Porre. awards and everybody's like crack all right listen up means we're going to talk some shit right yeah you can talk mad shit that's good so just start throwing these for yourself what at my ride the writers room you're the oldest so oh thank you i appreciate that we should just start throwing awards yeah we can throw the awards everybody comes and then everybody's required to talk insane shit about each other the entire time it's like i mean it really is very much they're up there and they look

over like, huh, everyone loves that coach. Why? Because he talked a lot of shit. You know what I could do? I could try being a person. Today and today only Mario Cristobol is going to get up here and do a tight five. It was like nothing but bars. It was like three or four minutes. Just hammering. Hammering and hammering. I've never liked either of these coaches more. See? This works. Yeah. Yeah. It's 100% worse. Or at all. If you're doing it in it flops, that's even funnier. Yeah, just go ahead and like just put the brick wall behind him, right? Like, yeah. All right, boys.

Brick wall microphone. Like, they have both been funny, but never on purpose. You know what I mean? They've both been hilarious, but never on purpose. Who knew they could do this? So I think the lesson to take from this is that all coaches should continue being really boring and never say anything ever, especially. No bulletin board material whatsoever.

Now, I don't think Signetti has that club in his bag, but I don't think he's going to suffer a nervous breakdown, right? I think Lincoln Riley's going to cry. Lincoln Riley's going to go to one of these things, and Lincoln Riley's going to get so mad he tears up. There'll be a lawsuit. Yeah, he's going to Andy Bernard this, right? Yeah, roast me.

You guys are jerks! I would be shocked to learn that Derek Dooley had ever been to one of these. That was referring to, like, the golf thing when... Yeah. Yeah, no, I know, but I mean, like, if they were to ever... Oh. Yeah, I think... I could see Spurrier just making a big point of him.

not really inviting having a reason to invite. Actually, they should invite Dooley next year after whatever the shit he does this summer. They should name an award after Derek Dooley and never invite Derek Dooley to the award ceremony. They should name an award for Barbara Dooley. Sure, that's fine, too. And never invite Derek.

There were references to Vince Dooley. Because it was like Kirby brings up Derek and then within three sentences like, it's basically, let's talk about the superior Dooley. I want to see Bella check at this thing. Oh, God. Well, Bill had a prior obligation this week, unfortunately. Oh, what was that, Ryan?

At, I believe, the UNC basketball game. I don't know if it was a men's or women's game, but it was in the basketball arena, so I assume there was basketball game happening. They made him go stand out there while they honored Mac Brown, and did a whole thing about, like, Mac Brown, the greatest coach in school history at Central Center. And there was Phil Belich having to sort of grantly clap along

and be like, yep. that's what I aspire to. That's the bar I must clear one day. One day. It's like the youthful, the radiant Mac Brown and this old bastard who replaced him. You know what?

Mac look great, man. We love Mac Brown. Look how great he looks. And now look at this guy everyone hates. Wouldn't we rather have Mac Brown? You remember consistency. You remember the good times. Not what has before.

fall in our precious Carolina now. Man, I'll tell you what, that Mac Brown, the number of times he embarrassed this university was so few, so few, compared to this asshole standing next to him. I don't know a thing about Mac Brown's personal life, unlike some of people.

Old Back Brown never had a bone to pick with the NFL. He was true to the college game, unlike some carpet beggars. Belichick's just sitting there muttering 0-1-1-0-0-0-0. I but Mac did look great Mac I think Mac probably came back and was pushing for for tenure number three he probably honestly he should be he probably hit up he probably shouldn't be the worst

decision they should too just had a like listen I know Mac Brown's game okay and you're like yeah surely he wouldn't do that no man he had an appointment with the president they met off campus in some like very obscure spot and he was sure give Mac Dave Doran's job here have another steak. It's on Mac. It's on old Mac. You know what? We're eating good with Mac, aren't we? We could be eating good with Mac again. Don't you miss steak days of Mac? Steak Day. Have me back one more time. Everybody get, listen, I don't have beef with anyone. I have beef with everyone. I'm not the stepdad. I'm the dad who stepped down. That's what we need. We need Mac. Look, I support this now. I've taught myself into it. Let's go ahead. I mean, yeah, once like

Michael Lombardi is in charge of the team, Everything sounds like a better idea. They should put that... Why can I just picture that in an arch over the doorway in like the Through These Halls font? Did we talk about Michael Lombardi following 170 different Sopranos accounts? No, we sure didn't. Or the, I think what was an even greater number of hot dog brand accounts?

Like a specific brand of hot dog? An unusual number. I will say this as somebody who appreciates a good hot dog. An unusual number of hot dog accounts followed by that man. Frankly, terrifying. I need my glizzy galleries. I need them. I get it.

I'm using a typewriter to type fan letters to all of my favorite hot dogs. That's how they know that I mean it. I take the time to type them out myself. Yeah. Michael and Bart, like, you look at his Instagram follows and you're like, oh, this is a dumb fucking guy. Oh, my God. But no.

He reveals new depths. I mean, Instagram won't like. I do that, and I've seen accounts that he follows. And every time I see an account that Mike Lombardi follows, I'm like, God, that guy's fucking stupid. Jesus Christ. You know, like, sometimes Instagram will snitch, and you're like, oh, look, man, let's just say, it served me up a butt.

Like, it's an account that's mainly centered around someone's ass, and you're like. Like, we all have a moment of weakness. You could follow one glizzy account. But following 100 counts on anything. That's a problem. It was like a number of accounts that seemed unlikely that should exist. All of them. Like it does the thing where it, like, you follow one and then it decides like, oh, you were obsessed with this and you want to follow a thousand things.

Let me recommend them all. So it made these you sitting there going, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The number of, like, Italian delis and pizza places, like, between that and the Sopranos thing, I'm like, you could not, you could not parody this man. honestly. You could not find a more Italian man than Michael Lombardy. It seems so desperately Italian. Like, is he really Italian? Right, like performatively atone.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Like, it's such an American's idea of an Italian. Well, you say this. Do we want to become Mike Lombardi's not Italian truthers? No. No, because you go out there.

I'm looking at a stretch of his Instagram follows, which is damning to an extreme. You ready? Seinfeld Memzar. Description, the czar of everything Seinfeld. Okay. I want you to know that took a year off my life reading that out loud. It is not, I will say this.

Usually when you look at a coach's social, the counts they follow on social media, you can, you could tell like, oh, this is a coach. You learn a lot about the median American voter. Well, you can say, like, I can see where their political alignment is going. I can, but I can also identify, like, okay, they used to work here. So they're following, like, these players or schools or whatever. Here are the people that they're, like, professionally following. But if you just sort of casually looked and said, like, okay, who is following Kathy's 14th Street Bakery and Mad Men quotes?

And Lorraine Bracco, is this a important? Is this the UNC Football GF? Like, you know, it's just a random Italian man from New England. That's all it is. Is this Lorraine Bracco's actual Instagram or is this like a Lorraine Bracco Thirst account? No, this one is legit. This is Bracco abroad. Lorraine Bracco's travel Instagram.

I kind of want to see her. I want to see her Instagram. I'm trying to find the list that it was like 10 years ago. It was Bobby Petrino's Twitter follows the day when everyone really looked through them. It was like, God, it was like girl holds beer. like that type of shit and then like random like not quite extreme political but like

you know so like ooh it was the wildest mix and I'm trying so hard to find it which era Bobby was this I think it was post firing Bobby Mike Lombardi also No no like which Which firing

I think it was post Arkansas Yes it was before he made his return to Arkansas It was it was like mid-2010s but I definitely remember something about like the official Bush beer account The Three Stooges, Rouse Italian restaurant, and Margaret, Magic Johnson.

The following list here is fucking all over the place, man. Are these Mike Lombardies? Yes, I'm just doing Michael Lombardies. Frankie Valley Four Seasons. Yeah, yeah. Daily Mo Howard. He doesn't just follow the three stooges. Natalie Wood has been dead for decades.

What kind of Natalie Wood archives. What a dame, though. Are you trying to solve it? It's not Natalie Wood live. live now that's true but that coach shiano followed by woody harrelson grace shiano and woody harrison followed a consecutive order yeah totino's pizza sequential sopranos tautinos this may follow tinnos he is a parody of an italian yeah oh i'm about to give you i'm about to give you titinos kind of feels like one of those inglorious

bastards situations yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm about to give you three real quick that's just going to have your head spinning. You're ready? It sounds like a titinos to me, yeah. The Solving JFK podcast. What's that of? Any day now. Any minute now.

Hang on. Uh-huh. The Ed Sullivan show, which has been canceled as far as I know. What decade is this Instagram? For 55 years? What on earth? The JFK podcast is updated weekly. Is Mike Lamarget?

Oh, my. I go, okay. Is Michael Barney a Jersey Italian Dracula who's lived for a thousand years? Michael Marty is 66 years old, allegedly. He was born in New Jersey, allegedly. All this shoot is like, Instagram has been around for centuries longer than I realized. Yeah. This sort of feels like this is trying to do a Bill Simmons for even older people.

Yeah. Like sourcing material for like some sort of a podcast like that. I got what is JFK having a whatever era Holly Holly's got her hand up Yes Solving JFK has 131 episodes

Damn Was last updated six days ago Damn The most recent episode is titled Israel Part 4 Oh no Yeah If you want to know where this is going

Just a few more of those And they'll be making some real progress Sorry Israel part four is episode is listed as episode 89. Conspiracy podcast comes to, comes to predictable conclusion. Yeah, is this like we've, we've solved JFK.

Oh shit, Tom Crean's on Instagram and followed by Mike Lombardi? Fucking mad, Tom Crean's on the solving JFK power. Who is before and after Tom Crean, though? Oh, shit, I clicked away from it already to look at Tom Crane's Instagram. He doesn't have that any Instagram followers. I think you should know.

There I was thirsting over Tom. Well, listen, we're going to listen. What else is new? We're going to help Tom Cruise. clout chase we're going to get his followers up a tom creed five on his script tom creed was unavailable tom creed five he put a number

after he has buddy that's probably the harbob brothers uh domain domain uh yeah they're like go ahead he secure his name like five times the guy who hosts the solving jfk podcast has written a book called

the jfk assassination choke holds i am not examining it any further because I want to believe it is he has merch. Yeah. Okay, this is a different guy with the same name, I hope. What we're saying. But it would be very funny because the host of the JFK podcast name is Matt Crumpton,

and Matthewcrumpton.com is an illustrator site, and the very first product on this website is a t-shirt with a picture of death in a hooded robe, dribbling a globe of the earth. says life is a ball. Mike Lombardi follows the Churchill Society. So far, one porn star's wine brand. By the way, if there's any Gen Xers who listen to this, I know there

must be some people like a little bit older than Spencer who listen to this. Instagram follows are the best way to get a sense of what kind of person you're dealing with. 37 different accounts related to pizza. 37 pizza accounts on Instagram. That's relatable. That part's relatable.

I mean, so many steakhouses. Let's see here. Yes. How many different steakhouses named for other coaches? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Looks like twelve different steakhouses. Hey, he follows Patty's Galfa Springsteen's account. Yeah, that's Jersey.

When you don't just follow Springsteen's account, you follow his wife's account. Follows Jersey Mike's, yep. Jersey Mike's Jersey Boys, the Musical. Ocean City, New Jersey. It just says a word. podcast. He says a word and it says we recommended these 20 things. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Give me all of them. Yeah, if you want to know who's actually seriously jacking up Instagrams like. Oh, wait, how many Rosoli and Isles accounts? I don't know. Zero. Dude, this is amazing. What a goldmine that says. He follows daily entourage posting your favorite entourage clips.

Still? Yeah. How long is that account? No, how long has the daily entourage account been posting daily? I'm finding more steakhouses that don't have the word state. They have 758 posts. Okay, so not that long. And they only, they posted five days ago.

So I got to say daily entourage. Let me down. I don't think you're living up. And, yeah, they do post a lot, I will say. And they have 179,000 followers. Who's Bobby Petrito following now? Multiple Marco Rubio accounts. for Lombardi.

You can't, you can't just rely on one. On Instagram. This isn't give me the latest news. This is let me look at Marco Rubio. Yeah, that and follows Toby Keith. Well, sure. Sure.

Well. Sorry, one more. Does he follow? Doesn't follow Mac Brown though, I bet. Is Mac Brown? Please tell me. Follows Amy Grant. Get a job.

Leave her alone. Yeah. Coach Mac Brown is on They ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't that ain't black blanche that's following him he's right on his bumper all right I'll do it. It's like hey Michael, Michaelombardi he better be nervous. Macbara got in the house this weekend. I'm in the walls that is home. One of our dudes he's only following 690 people. on Instagram or on Twitter

on Instagram Okay I need listen I need Michael Lombardi and I need to hang out Oh Yes One of the country's leading experts In emotional management

Is like his fifth most recent follow Hell yeah That's good How many pizza counts How many pizza counts is Pat and a business Zero No pizza counts for the dues Wow

The dues is on to salads. Pepperoni? Nope. But like this is, I bet. This just tells me Pat has a burner. Okay. And this is mostly like, all right, looking through Pat. It's run by the school.

This is what you would expect. This is what you expect a coach's account to look like. Here's Dan Marino. Here's the senior pool. Here's Larry Fitzgerald. Pat Nard is he to not coach these guys, but he's like, they're important pit people. Here's the pit mascot. It like it all tracks and you're like I understand your job of what you work for

It's not I don't know ten more superanos accounts guys I fucking hate this job I know I gotta look at anything else other than the UNC football roster because I'm dying here Jesus Christ I think it kind of makes sense for a guy who is like you know a podcaster who one day finds himself Is a college football GM for no reason right like he's retreating into pop culture because it's apparently the thing he's much better at Yeah like if one of us accidentally becomes a college football gym for no reason like shit i might retreat into the sopranos god i bet there more italian coaches i bet his work i bet his work computer search history is just like goodfellows clips that's it never work never like oh oh here's some player to oh sorry just grind in some tape are you watching

goodfellows in the room it's just me and the it's just me and the unc it guy going this is the 18th time today he's watched the glen gary glen ross coffee is for closer speech he's never seen the movie he's He has no context for what's going on here. He just watched this scene. I bet this is a sick movie about how management is awesome. He just watches the end of Limitless. Not the rest of it. He just watches the end.

Why did we bring in a dozen players no other power conference team wanted? Uh, I was trying to tape. Always be closing. Because he's got a great ass. What is El Pacino talking about in that scene, Mike Lombardi? It's like success. The ass is success. It's a foundation.

The ass is where the power comes from. I don't think he's made that connection. He just likes the quote. I don't think he thinks of it in football terms. Oh, my God. It's a strong quote. I have no idea. She knows have a great ass.

I don't know what he talks like. I can't do his voice. It's close? No, you got it. Who is just yell? Yeah, it just yells. That's it. Yeah, again.

remember heat is dumb heat he's like one of the dumbest dumb guy movies ever like it's fucking dumb it's a dumb fucking movie like it's executed by geniuses and everything technical about it is perfect but the like actual grist in the mill is basically like let's put these 40 IQ guys at the center of the story right and they sit down you're like it's denaro and it's Pacino what are they going to talk about it's like I'd shoot you you're going to shoot me yeah I'm going to shoot you let's have some coffee and it's for life but yeah we don't live way we'll live that way because we don't have coping mechanisms because your character has a cocaine addiction that will be written out of the final edit mine

has one of the shittiest goatees in a decade full of shitty goatees Robert De Niro's goatee and heat is also prime dumb guy shit because he could have showed up and Ben Robert De Niro but instead he showed up and he's like a bad Robert De Niro how do you know I have a goatee the movie made for fucking idiots I like it a lot I'm bad Val Kilmer. How do you know? I have a pony tail. It's a dumb fucking movie. What's their Oh, I'm sorry. What's their strategy for dealing with a getting out of a bank robbery? Oh, we're going to shoot everybody. A bad Tom Seismore. How do you know? I'm Tom Seizmore. That one's actually a pretty straight

down the middle. That one's easy. Yeah, do you work for money? No, excitement. That's my character's whole thing. Action is juice. Juice is action. get killed for no fucking reason Pastor how many times have you seen heat About seven I've seen heat seven times I'll watch it if it's on every time

I'm like oh here comes a shootout Is it a good idea? No it's one of the dumbest fucking ideas In the history of ice movies What are you going to do Yeah we're just going to blow the LAPD away Which to be fair It's cool

It mostly works It mostly works Which works in a lot of movies really you know it follows my it follows my james cameron thing of what's the point of every james camera movie even titanic it's fuck the lapd how because they could they should have stopped that boat if they'd done their jobs for them once or they would have shot the iceberg that's right is that why the t-1-000 turns into a cop yeah that's no like like seriously like the first four movies the james camera i'm i'm convinced you could find it in the abyss you can be like the l-a-pd is to blame

somewhere. Well, the abyss has... Now, the abyss is about divorce. That's different. And cops, cops get divorced. Art wives, the ultimate cops. That's right. See? There you go. That's definitely with the point of the abyss.

Like, I think if you watch, you'll watch Terminator in a much different vein. If you see the scene where Arnold comes back as the Terminator and kills like 30 cops and it destroys the police station? Yeah, realize that that for James Cameron, he's like, yeah, this is the happiest part of the movie. It's about time.

We got to this. Yeah. I mean, and what is Skynet? Cop. Cop. Big cop. Yeah. Cop.

That's just big cup. Yeah. For Terminator 2, they toned him down. They're like, hey, man, you can't kill these cops. We don't do that anymore. James Cameron makes big money now, and he's like, just crippled them. What if bad guy is cop? Yeah.

What if we watch cop melt? Yeah. What if cop melt? What if we just shoot cop in knee with tear gas canister? What if cop shatter? Yeah. What if there is a planet of junk? and cops go to it.

Then we have the Avatar series. See? That's it. LAPD, which would be loose alien patrol division. That's what we do. We just go and round them up. There's so many bad cops in Avatar. It's like half the... I mean, that's like half of it. The other half is jungle. Are we still talking about the Steve Spurier Awards just to be very clear? No, I don't know.

We are miles away from where we are. We are. Hey, you want to hear about the Olympics? I would love to. I have two important Olympics updates. This one is from our buddy, Rachel Bachman at the Wall Street Journal. After we non-joked a couple weeks ago about how fast the Italian Olympics would run out of condoms and when we would get the, what's the every two years one? That's not semi-annual.

That's not biennual. Biannual? Sure. Whatever. The story about how fast the Olympic Village goes through condoms. Breezy Johnson, downhill gold medalist, says that the condoms do not have the Olympic brand on them, and that the reason the Olympic Village goes through so many condoms is because the organizers lose 90% of them. I'm quoting her here.

This is the conspiracy theory I will die believing. 99% of the Olympians I have ever met have never even seen an Olympic condom. They just lose them. They're in a storage unit somewhere. It's Italy. We forgot this is a valid excuse here. I will believe this until the day I die. So like the condoms story every two to four years, is that just Olympics propaganda?

Is it like, ooh, wouldn't you like to be an Olympian? Look at everything going on here. But really, there's not. Really, it's just pretty normal, like party scene. Probably. I think it's, in this case, I think it's Italian men who are near the Olympics who are like, I want a gold medal condom, right? Like, that's it.

Like, my dick is Olympic. I'm naturally, I'm going to steal all of these. There's probably a lot of pranks with Olympic condoms, right? Yeah. They're also, supposedly a lot of them are souvenirs. People just grab an arm load to say like, ha ha, look what I have. I absolutely would. Yeah.

I mean, wouldn't you? The Olympics basically are just going to like take stuff for free from your community. You might as well turn. If I'm an Olympian, I don't know that that's the souvenir I need. I feel like you get a lot of stuff when you're an Olympic. It's not like the only souvenir. Sure. Olympians also aren't the only ones in the village. Oh, that's true.

That's a good point. So there you have it. A full accounting. That's it. That's everything that happened in the Olympics. No controversy whatsoever. It was relevant to us. I do like how all the controversy athletes actually did really well.

Yes. The stone poking curler won. The credit card lady one. Unfaithful by athlete. The philanderous by athletes. Yeah. You couldn't keep that man off bronze. My favorite by Sanderson movie, the Philanderous by the boy.

The dog finished like fourth. The dog who I learned, his name is Nazgul, which is amazing. I didn't know that part. I'm sorry, the other thing I followed up on was the white monster story in the Olympics village. Yeah, we were speculating about the amount of white monster consumed. I found at least, I found one Austrian Olympic snowboarder who was posting little sad face videos because he got to the Olympic village and there's these beautiful vintage Italian refrigerators that don't have any white monster in them and he was very

sad. How can we let down our Olympic athletes like this? God damn it. I did like seeing all the corona that was at the hockey games because they don't, that's like the official beer or whatever. So like you can't get an Italian beer. You can't get a beer from any of the countries. It's just people crushing Corona is at the winter Olympics. It's like NCAA power aid, but even, even dumber. No, it's like the little, this is like the little Caesar's bowl having to serve hungry howies because of a stadium contract. Yeah, that was great. And then running out of pizza.

Well, thank you to Alex Kirchner for giving me the phrase, Cash Patel, make a wish kid. That's some magical phrasing. Thank you, Alex. Just wandering the locker room. I get to drink a beer like a real boy. Good for you. I also wanted to point out with the biathlete by finishing bronze twice and doing that, the unfaithful biathlete, he's literally doing the third place meme, right?

Where you're getting bronze, but you're spraying the champagne on yourself. Like, just in case he wasn't my favorite athlete already by being the most dysfunctional person there, magnificent. Because this has just crossed my desk now. You think it's an honor or an, do you think you'd feel honored or embarrassed to be the designated survivor for the state of the union? Not that I'm going to watch the state of the union. But when it's announced, do you feel like, oh, boy, they trust me the most. Relief.

Or like, I'm not worth killing. Or, yeah. Or is it a little bit like, oh, man. Because in one way, what your colleagues have said to you is like, hey, we took a vote. And everyone wants not you here. Wait, how do they determine it? I don't know. I don't know how they picked this.

I mean, I assume there's some weird new fucked up way that these people do it involving like bore on the floor, but Are you the most killable or no, because otherwise like Marco Rubio would have to sit out every single one. It says It says chosen by the president, which at this point that could mean literally anything. Yeah. That would be like designated, be like designated survivor Mike Tyson. Oh, there's a whole list of designated survivors on Wikipedia. Let's see. It looks like it is usually secretary of agriculture or interior. Yeah. Designated survivor bracket. Welcome to March.

Donna Shalala was a designated survivor in 1996. Holy shit. VA survivor sometimes, energy sometimes. Yeah. Secretary of State just once and that was Hillary under Obama. It feels like a risky choice because like you don't want someone too important. You also don't want Hillary out there able to freelance. That was, I agree.

That was a, that was a. That was a dangerous move. Also, sometimes we have two, and I don't like that. I don't think we should have two desicings. That diminishes it. And it's just, you're asking for a fight. Exactly. Immediately dual.

What if that's what I want to find out which one is really loyal to me? Well, like, what if you had two designated survivors? This president has every other day to do that. State of the Union's done. You open up the sealed container where this designated survivors have kept. One of them is probably killed the other. To be like, I couldn't risk it. he wouldn't have led us into success i couldn't take that chance

one of the duels um was dick cheney september 20th 2001 there were multiple designated survivors and one was chaney i do not want to be one of the last two people and the other one is dick perry was a designated survivor god damn what else is he going to be good for that one makes sunny sometimes there are none sure yeah that is that is pretty fucked up when there's none that's the weirdest one that's your real like fuck it up I don't care. Whatever.

Yeah, that feels like asking for it. How about January 20th, 2021, inauguration, the designated survivor. Undisclosed. Undisclosed. Ooh. Mystery person. I think they put three of them in a shipping container and snapped a pool queue and half. I also don't like, like, wouldn't you like to know.

I don't need to know who the designated survivor is for an inauguration. I just want to know for state of view. Because otherwise, if I'm president, I'm going to start abusing this. And every time I do anything, I'm going to be like, oh, by the way, Charles Barkley's designated survivor. Here he is over here. So, a George Bush Secretary of Commerce named Donald Evans was a designated survivor

three times. He's the only three time designated survivor. He did a great job at it, apparently. Maybe he's a real farty. Yeah. Secretary of Commerce go over there. Yeah, put old Gassie McWilliams over there. He's going to survive.

Do you think by the third time you're hoping? Oh, yeah. That's my time to shine. You're like, the first time it's fun, it's cool. The second time you're like, yeah, I get the routine. The third time you're like, well, I'm fucking ready now. I've got plans.

I can tell you what we will do. That's what. Or do you have like the same Canasta tournament with the Secret Service agent that's been going since the first one? It's just rolling. You're just like, all right, break out the can't board. We're going, boys. Oh, here's Mr. Irrelevant yet again.

Jeff, you have longest road. Let's go. The man the government can surely do about. it's still you. I mean, if it was Rick Perry, then yeah, it could be anybody. Look at you, the least essential worker. I guarantee you the first thing Rick Perry did

when he got into the bunker took his pants off. He's like, well, no need to be formal here, boys. Wouldn't you? Man, if I'm designated survivor, that's 45 to 90 minutes of me behaving in the most irresponsible fashion imaginable. I mean, I think so. Because you got to check

yourself for like, oh, I've been bugged. I brought to Cotidotitos DVDs of Walker, Texas Ranger. We're going to party boys. That's it. I have the con for the next 90 minutes. I got to make sure that no one is trying to assassinate me. Yeah, I'd be go-karting through the White House.

Sure. Yeah. Oh, no, wait. Go to the Capitol because they're all at work, right? They're all in the... Yeah, you know that little train that goes, the little tram that goes between? Oh, we're working that, bitch.

We're going to see how many, like, K-turns we can do in that thing. What kind of snacks do you think you can request his designated? I don't think, I would guess they keep a tight leash on that because you can't like die, you know? You can't like joke on something or. God, that would fucking happen to. Like, you'd feel like such an idiot if you died as a designated. It was you had one fucking job, right? You fucked it up, idiot.

And it was, it wasn't complicated. Just keep doing what you're doing. Your job is to not die. But what did you do? You ordered seven pieces and tried to eat them all and you died. Mike Lombardi. Do you think there's a physical, do you think there's like a physical that they have to take before you get to designated. Do you think you get a checkup or whatever? No, because Rick Perry was able to

pay every day, no. The man's never eaten anything. They were like, hey, we do a checkup on you, Rick, and he's like, look at me. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. If Sonny Perdue got to do it, there's definitely. Oh, yeah, please. This is not the picture of help. This is late stage, Sunny Purdue. This is 2018. What stage of Cheney was this? Yeah, Sunny Purdue is also suffers from the South Georgia Cracker bloat that Kirby Smart suffers from. The Sunday Purdue was like 70 at this point. Right. Like, Orrin Hatch got to do it when he was old, but he was like, Wiery, Utah old.

That's different. No, that's different. He's aging like, he's aging like driftwood, like he's still strong. Yes, as opposed to like aging like a rotten log and a South Georgia bog. You telling me he's no spring chicken? That's a really funny joke if you're in Georgia, I promise. Wow. It was excellent.

It's not much. That's incredible. Warren Hatch did it at 81. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Yeah. That's a light work for Warren.

No, that's pushing it. That's really pushing it. So like we like in terms of like actual succession, people will say, oh man like college football programs have, you know, are terrible at like transitioning power, right? We're transit terrible. No, we're really, really good at it. We're really good.

Someone gets fired. Someone gets hired. Occasionally you go through like a little bit of hesitation. And people are like, it's a disaster when you can't hire somebody for two weeks. Right? So I was reading about the Reagan assassination. Do you know what happened in the interim? The what? All right. So,

Reagan gets shot in D.C., right? Reagan gets shot in D.C. The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan. Yes, the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan. We're always breaking news here on the shutdown full kids. Ronald Reagan. Pardon my alternate history. Less interesting.

Because you're just giving full credit, I guess. Yeah. Welcome back to For All That Kind. Welcome back to For All Mankind Season 9. Ronald Reagan is dead. Here on the 200th issue of the Finding JFK podcast.

Ronald Reagan is dead. Jody Foster's in love, everyone. And what a guy. So Reagan, so George Bush is VP at that time. And he is in Houston. So Reagan

gets shot. And Bush has to go immediately back to D.C. Because he's next in line, right? But there's this interim where like nobody really knows, like there is an order of succession, right? But in terms of who's got the mic, there is a serious tussle as to who is going to talk. And for some reason, Alexander Haig decides that he's going to be the guy, that he's

like, nope, nope, guys, I got it, I'm in charge. And apparently everyone at the time, and he was, everyone at the time was like, fuck that guy, there's no way we're going to listen to him. Just let him talk into the mic. He was Secretary of State at the time. Yes, he was Secretary at the State. And he said, I'm next. I'm next in order

of like, man did not check one piece of paper. He is not next. Secretary of State is not next in that, okay? Fourth. He's fourth. But he was like, nope, I got this. I'm in control. I'm good. And apparently everybody in the room was just like, just let him talk.

It's fine. That's how our government functioned for about 90 minutes. That's how everything functions. This is like, we've talked about this when it comes like sneaking into a stadium. You just got to have confidence. Yeah. Our guy was basically just like,

I'm going to cosplay that I right now, I'm in charge of the free world. And everyone's like, just let him talk. For two hours, fine. Who cares? Whatever.

Have fun. Get it out of your system, buddy. Yeah. Like, I think tip of your kids like, I'm in charge of the house. And sometimes you're like,

Like, yeah, okay, you are. For all intensive purposes, buddy. Yeah. Enjoy your 15 minutes. This is your show. That's what the United States was like for, you know, about two hours. We're just like, yeah, let this guy cosplay. It's totally fine.

Tip O'Neill probably wasn't sober at that point, right? Like he was next. I think he was third in line. And they were just like, don't bother him. He's been like that for several years, too. He's sleepy. I did want to discuss yet another football thing. I know.

This is a tremendous amount of football. content, but that we have in our Dracula theme podcast. But, but, Jason, your colleague, Chris Vanini looked into something the UFL is trying out, which are a couple of different tweaks on the rules for their upcoming spring season. And I have issues with one of them as a college football libertarian because they want to try a couple of things, and I think some of them are really cool. one of them that's really cool is 60 yard field goals are four points which I think for years we've been advocating for various like

ludicrous adjustments to points and kicking I think all kicks should be free kicks done on the move I don't think there should be any pinned kicks I think you should have to I think you should have to do a kick from scrimmage like literally from scrimmage like you should have to be moving and nobody can hold the ball for you that's a whole other sport though yes yes but I think that's the OG sport, right? You'd just rather watch a whole other sport. I would rather watch football, but where the kicker is a player in scrimmage, not just a guy who's kicking off of a T, basically.

Now, you know what I'm doing if my opponent lines up for a six-yard field goal in the NFL. Jumping off sides right away, baby. Uh-uh. That's a 75-yard now. Fuck face. Yeah, like in college football, you do that, and it's like, well, you weren't going to hit it anyway, but now you'll miss a three-pointer instead of missing a four-pointer. In the NFL, it's, you were, well, push it back to 80. gives a shit, it's going in. Every kicker's amazing now. Yeah, apparently, apparently kickers found the gas

like five years ago. Yeah, for like three years, and then they suck. Yeah, but now we're willing to do that. We're willing to, no longer will we have a 50-year-old Danish man as the most efficient kicker in the league, but we'll have a 32-year-old

who could hit from 70. Yeah. Also, among these rules, punting from inside opposing territory is not allowed, except in the last two minutes of the half. first of all, Big Ten West and shambles.

But I love the last two minutes part because it's like, all right, now. Now the fun shit begins. Hey, hey, hey, I want to punt for the 41. Watch me delay a game twice. Just to make it happen. Fuck you. Oh, Brett Burns on a lock down.

Brett Beelma is on this. We're going to burn clock inside the two so we can punt from wherever we want. That's right. So we can line it up just how we like it. Idiots. I have a real problem with that one, because I think you should be allowed to be as cowardly and shitty as possible.

Like, that's, if you're, why am I going to keep Kirk Ferrence from being Kirk Ferrence? Why would I do that? Yeah. That really would have ruined several Iowa teams. His entire offense was pinball at one get safety. I don't know what those teams would have done. I think they would have intentionally thrown a pick at the three. I think they would, here's, yeah.

They couldn't throw it 40 yards. All right. They intentionally throw a pick at the 15. and celebrate because they've been to them inside. Good point. Good point. Got them inside their own, our red zone. We're in the red.

When they have ball inside their 20, we're in the red zone. Yes, that's correct. So, I mean, maybe I do like it because the principle itself I might not like, but the amount of fuckery that you could engage in in order to do this might create a level of David Shaw, Kirk Ferrence, like rat fucking that I haven't even. thought of yet. So we say we say fuckery but what it will also lead to is incredible confusion like when a coach goes for something coach lines up it's third and long on the 47 and they're like well let's just run it you know let's just run a little off tack it's just something safe

and then you're like cool you have to go for it now that fuck I forgot about shit I hate this so much. Yeah I maybe maybe I like this. I don't know, but I'm not liking it for the real reasons. I'm not liking it for like legitimate reasons. I'm liking it because I'm like, ah, stupid things will happen. It's the UFL. You don't have to like it for legitimate reasons. Also, I want to see the, every now and then you get that like,

it's fourth and 35 with goal to go situation. You know, like, just a bunch of penalties, big fumble, whatever happens. It's fourth and 47 from the one. You got to go for it. Yeah. That's kind of fun. Yeah. I also like the anger of a coach having to go for it.

That is extremely amusing to me. You're telling me I've got to play football? Yeah, that telling, listen, telling Kirk fans that he'd have to go for it on fourth down, telling somebody that's- Maybe that'll get him to retire. This is not the game I love. I think with that,

it's Iowa gets to midfield and they have to really make a decision. Do we continue or do we punt here? Right? This feels like John Boyes' overtime rules where one team has to acquiesce. Right? One team must acquiesce.

Play to stalemate. Play to stalemate. Yeah, sure. Even if I have to false start 25 times in a row just to get back there. You could end up with some real video game-ass football, right? It could look like one team just fell asleep with the controller in their hands. Yeah, Iowa. Yeah.

Just say it. It's Iowa. The other new rule here, inspired by flag football, would be a three-pointer after a touchdown from the eight instead of a two-pointer from the two. It's kind of fun. I feel like I'd probably, you should probably scoot them back a little further. Yes, I agree with that. That's a lot of points for just one completion.

Eight, where would you take it from? The 10? Yeah, maybe something more like that. 12? Yeah, I need to be longer than, if it's going to be worth three points, I need it to be more than a first down's worth of yardage. That's good.

Yeah. I can go with that. That's fine. So think about that, UFO. I like that. I know you're listening. Yeah, that's, Long time full cast listeners

The UFL brain trust The UFL, which of course, as you know, is the merger of the XFL and USF. I'm literally reading Chris's post and remembering. Oh, like, oh, right, that's what this is. Of course, this league starts playing this season, of course, as we all know, on March 27th. Insert date later.

Insert date and post. Skip Holtz owned this. league? I think, no, Skip holds is out, right? Oh, okay. Skip holds, skip holds. He retired. Ah, he did. Do you remember who took his place? Do you remember who replaced him? A couple months ago from the Birmingham Stallions after a historic run. Do you remember who replaced him and do you remember what he said he was doing? I love remember as if I. Fair enough. You probably do. Oh, boy, I remember this. Yeah. Who is it? The new coach of the Birmingham Stallions is something I'm supposed to know. Yes, it is actually. Well, he was.

And I remember it because of how he framed this job opportunity. Head coach A.J. McCarron? Yes. Correct. Because he announced that he was no longer running for a lieutenant governor. So that he could be in favor of, and I'm quoting here, a new opportunity on the field. Bitch, you're not on the field? This is like the head coach history of the Birmingham Stallions.

It's like, Skipholz, God, legend. 8,000 times spring football champion. J. McCarron, you got big shoes to fill, brother. Yeah, brother. Yeah. What did those opo, listen, man, what did that opo research return back from McCarran that he gave up a lieutenant governor in like a day and a half?

Skip holds with 33 and seven his head coach. This is goddamn. Yeah, yeah. Listen, man. And in like the predecessor league, like this doesn't even count as various championships in the league before this one, I don't think. Maybe it does. I don't know.

Nobody knows. Yeah. This is like finding out the one universe where you're a superhero. Right. The light of Birmingham's son made Skip Holtz infinitely powerful. That's right. That makes Lou Holtz his dad like the last man on Krypton, which is very funny. Sure.

Go, my son! So Skip Holtz did not win the 2025 championship. Correct. The Michigan Panthers. That had to be just stunning, shocking. And they fired his ass. Listen, Clemson, Hemming and Hahn. What do we do with Tabo?

The standards around here. He needs more time. Birmingham Stallions don't fuck around. Get his hands out of here. Get the fuck out. Mike Nolan. Current big man of spring football. This is our most looking at Wikipedia episode in a long time.

It's one of my favorite. It's third week of February, man. It's the third week of February. And I am on nine different kinds of coal medication. I mean, all I want to do is look at Wikipedia. So this is high page. Can I just read a confusing sentence from the Birmingham Stallions Wikipedia page? I would like nothing more.

The Birmingham Stallions has an official supporters group, the horsemen, comma, as well as the newly inaugurated pyramid of flesh. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me repeat that. What in the Ceno bite? So, so, so there's, there's two. There's two supporters, two official supporters groups for the Birmingham Stallions, the horsemen.

Cool. Got it. On theme, makes sense. Seems family friendly. As well as the newly inaugurated, not, hey, hey, this isn't your daddy's pyramid. Inoccurated, how? Do you really want to know about the ritual? I'll tell you about the ritual if you want.

This one commands us to jump. Pyramid of Flesh. What is. God, okay, so it's, it's basically like the shirtless Indiana dudes thing. They did that. Yes, except it's called the Pyramid of Flesh. This shit gets crazy. It's what it takes to be a spring football dynasty.

They're all their, aka is the shirtless stallions. Oh, they're going to be so pink. Skip Holtz gives a shout out to the horseman and the pyramid of flesh. Oh my God. Skip Holtz gives a shout out to the horseman and the pyramid of flesh. Pyramid of flesh. John Carpenter's He didn't sufficiently pay tribute

to the pyramid of flesh. And the pyramid of flesh. So his ass had to get up out of there. The pyramid finds you wanting. Join the pyramid now. Skip Holtz. Maybe he did. West Craven's new nightmare gives a shout out. Maybe he left the field to join the pyramid of flesh. Only Kurt Russell can defeat the pyramid of flesh.

I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, think Skip Holt has ascended into the Pyramid of Flesh. Pyramid of Flesh sounds like what you call a wrestler with big hips. Sorry, I guess I should say, I didn't know Pride Barker was from that Birmingham. I will now Google Pyramid of Flesh. No, don't do it. Don't do it. The hell, what, most of the teams in this crazy stuff already.

If they're going to go ahead and do this, Hell Razors was right there as a mascot. It's bringing up stuff from video games, nobody's played and there's some crazy. some AI novels. That's a portal I'm helping helping myself out of right away. I've seen things. The pyramid.

Wait, wait, wait. Ryan, you didn't finish that sentence. Finish the sentence that you started with Skip Holtz gives a shout out to the horseman in the pyramid of flesh. Yeah, hold on. Let me get back to it. You should read the rest of that sentence.

Let me get back to the pyramid of flesh. This is a video clip on Twitter. that says, Skip Holtz gives a shout out to the horseman and the pyramid of flesh on creating a contagious environment at protecting this season. Is that the word we want?

These are such specific These are not generic words is the thing. Spencer, that is describing Nergel. That's his whole business model. Contagious Pyramid of Flesh. This is such warhammer shit. Jason, did you see Ludolf's Folly, the Pyramid of Flesh? an unknown disc wolf mother?

I don't know. I might have scrolled past that one. Let me search it again. Let me really. Let me click on images. Let's see here. Yeah, there's some really crazy stuff. That is absolutely insane.

I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't brought it up. This is going to be a terrific, another perfect forecast. The primitive flesh. All right, the only thing that makes sense to me is, I will only accept the pyramid of flesh if they are dressed like Vulcan, bare-assed the entire football game.

That I will accept that pyramid of flesh. A true tribute to Birmingham. I got a question, and I feel like it's a fair question to ask in a town and a state renowned for its barbecue culture, if you're showing me a pyramid of flesh, I got to ask where are the bones? What are they planning on doing with the bones?

What kind of wood you use on the pyramid of flesh? Questions that can only be answered by the ritual, Holly. And if I can't tell you about the ritual, I can only show you the ritual. Oh, traditional Berber religion had pyramids of flesh? Actually, this doesn't sound unlike Birmingham. This is Berberham. Berberham. The traditional connection between Northern Africa.

So the traditional Berber religion, we're back to Wikipedia, is the sum of an ancient and native set of beliefs and deities that believed in this worship of the sun and moon. animism and in the afterlife, but interactions with the Phoenicians, Greeks, and Romans influence their religious practice and merge traditional face with new ones. Yeah, I agree that Birmingham has lost a little bit of its former. It has become a little less regionally specific. Listen, when the pyramid of flesh wants to come on your college football podcast, it's 100% yes. You just say yes every time. That's true. That's true. That's an auto yes.

You have so. I think that brings us to podcast business. Podcast business. What's that business? Podcast business. It's a business. Podcast business. Pyramid of flesh.

We're worshipping the pyramid of flesh. We're bringing it back. Folks on patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast. Yes, we've talked about the president doing a college football podcast. But more importantly, in that same episode, available now at patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast. Spencer, what TV show do we talk about for a solid hour?

For all mankind. Is it a normal show? Is it like a sane, reasonable show for boring people? No, it is not. No, it is not, Jason. Not at all. And we go over exactly how insane it is for the better part of an hour straight. I will say I had no interest in watching this show

and then you told us everything that happens in it. And now I'm definitely, going to watch this show. Yes. So, like, that's the power of spoilers, especially stupid spoilers. That's right. Someone will be like, oh, my God, you spoiled it all. And I'll be like, listen, some shows are spoiler-free, okay?

You'll show up, even if you know what's going to happen. You cannot spoil that, which is eternally fresh. It's like saying, oh, don't spoil Red Panda. Like, I know what's going to happen with Red Panda, and that shit's awesome. Yeah, don't spoil, like, Christmas. Oh, wow, I can't believe it. Christmas happened. You can't spoil a spectacle, is what we're saying.

The sun's going to rise tomorrow. But if you're up to see it... Spoiler. Yeah. Spoiler. Now, hey, not if we get that pyramid of flesh big enough, it won't. That's right. That's the ultimate goal in Birmingham.

The enemy is the oncoming day, and you need to stop it by worshiping the pyramid of flesh. So there, Skipholz was looking up at the sun and said, we need more bodies. No, it's in my eyes. I need to defeat more. UFL teams and pile their corpses in the pyramid of flesh. And then finally, when there were no more teams to conquer, he rested. Patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast. That's right.

More bonuses to come. Next. Speaking of outstanding content, twice a week delivered to your inbox. You can get Channel 6. That is the incredible newsletter that Holly and I write and send to you two things a week for the low price of $10. month. Sports, football, football and sports, sometimes the presidents, sometimes the presidents and sports, sometimes we write about the Olympics, sometimes we write about whatever the hell we want.

And that's usually, sometimes as always. Two things a week for the low price of $10 a month, including off-season seminars. Yes, come in lunch and learn with us where we'll answer your questions, talk to you about stuff and different. vote careful time and thought to answering your questions about sports, life, and the Pyramid of Flesh, Channel 6 in either of our social media bios. You know, I also do a newsletter. It's called Until Saturday. It's a college football newsletter.

It's on topic, which sets it apart from everything this podcast has ever done. It's about college football. So if your person who's like, I actually do one to know the news and whatever, that's where it is. That's where it is. you'll find it out a year in advance of when this podcast gets around to it. So it's sort of like a Cliff's Notes for the podcast, I guess. The Until Saturday newsletter. At some point, by the time the season starts, it'll have a million subscribers.

So it'd be kind of weird if you weren't on a lot. That seems like a lot. It's a good number. Next. Phantom Island. It's the show I do with Stephen Godfrey. I usually tell you on these promos what we have coming up. And instead, I'm going to tell you about some stuff we've already done.

If you were watching the Winter Olympics and you thought, hey, why is it basketball here? Which several people did. Or they asked about why other sports weren't in the Winter Olympics. I already did that episode with Roger Sherman, who has an excellent Olympics newsletter. Well, it's about all sports, but it was really about the Winter Olympics the past few weeks. You can go find that episode. We talk all about why the Winter Olympics have the sports they do and don't have other sports and why the Summer Olympics are constantly adding new sports and the Winter Olympics not so much.

Do we talk about dog sledding? Yes, we do. Should dog sledding? Should dog sledding come back to the Olympics? Yes, it should. You go to Phantom Island. Show. You can sign up for a paid subscription if you want.

If you don't, you can still listen to the Wednesday episode. I'm not going to be mad at you. Like, that's fine. I'll thank you for that. Your time is valuable. Just send us your blood through Dracula Plus. That's all. Next.

All right, listen. Having Hellraiser on our bonus episodes is a desire of ours rooted not just in fear, but in pain and the blurred boundaries between the two. And by inviting Pinhead onto the show, we're challenging traditional ideas of good and evil. See? Pinhead and the centibites represent a dark exploration of sensation and morality and consequence. And when they say we will feast on your cowering flesh, I feel like that's a real opportunity. to unpack why they remain culturally relevant and why their themes continue to resonate

decades after their release. I slightly disagree. Wow. Look who doesn't want to open the door to deeper conversations about obsession, forbidden curiosity, and the cost of pushing human experience to its limits. Okay, let me, let me back up. It's classic.

Let me, let me back up because that was being a bad co-host. I agree. I think you are, you raised some interesting points, But I, a man covered in fear, need to hide my flesh from the world. How do I hide my flesh with homefield apparel? The only clothing provider I trust to keep my flesh on my buddy and not on the pyramid. I don't want my flesh to be part of the pyramid. I need to keep it contained.

How do I do that? With T-shirts and sweatshirts and long-sleeved teas and joggers and socks and hats. There's flesh on your head. You forget about it. that frequently because just think about your hair, but there's flesh there too. You got to cover it all up. That's the thing. You go to home field apparel and you can acquire enough cozy, great-looking, collegiate, fleece and other items that you can just, you can protect all, you can basically mummify yourself, but not a dead mummy, a living mummy who avoids the pyramid of flesh at all kinds.

Normally you think mummies, they go with pyramids. They want to be part of the pyramid, not you. you are the mummy that is the exception to the rule because you walk amongst us living and comfortable and maybe a little overheated sometimes but most importantly with your flesh belonging to you and not skip holts that's the home field of peril promise the only way to defeat skip holts is buying clothes at home field apparel.com also i don't know that i agree that mummies like pyramids why would they have to seal them inside if they liked it oh that's a great damn so like true like if if you if you If you are a freed mummy who is, you know, someone came around and they're like, oh, there's a curse, I don't give a shit, I'm going to open it. And now you're out. So they were wise to do that, right? They let you out. You have been wearing the same clothes for 3,000 years.

That sucks. You need new clothes from homefield apparel.com. You know, mummy rabbits, when you think about it, aren't unlike Team Gear itself. You know, it's less about function and more about superstition and symbolism. And, you know, it's the transformation of, of, of, you know, it's, it's the transformation of, fear into intention of turning a cosmic force into a narrative device that highlights resilient self-protection and meaning. I think if you wore enough home field apparel flee specifically, you could effectively

effectively arm your body so that even when you unlock the lament configuration, the cinnibites could do nothing. They could not hurt your flesh. It would be so entombed that you would be immune to their wiles and their magics. And it wouldn't work. Like you got so many layers. Yeah. They'd be like, now we'll strip the,

a little creepy shit. We have to take off this. We have to take off this Santa Cruz. Hold on. You have an Eastern Michigan. Jesus. I had two late hoodies. And they just get tired and bored.

And they move on. You say, oh, they're evil. They're just going to cut through it. No, they wouldn't. It's high quality. They wouldn't do that. They would want it for themselves. They're covetous.

They would. They would say, listen, we've been trying to get to Indianapolis. It is a really nice hoodie. Arizona State. We love them for obviously. reasons. Not the devilish imagery, but

the idea of We think the colors are really cool. How much I partied there. Yeah, how much centipites just like

Scottsdale in February What more else do you say? James Hardin and Barry Bonds, they're both ours. So that's why we like Arizona state. That's 100% Barry Bonds had a lot of

flesh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That head is a pyramid of flesh, sweating it. Serber, if you want to do something for killer ants

with a Z or Zed after this, you can but if you're like I don't want to associate with any of this I understand you don't have to. Yeah, you can listen

to that band. We've got a show on March 21st. If you go to the RAMCat or should I just like cut a, should I do it like a heel promo? Like,

whatever you want to do? First thing I'm going to need all you idiots on the internet to do is shut your stupid lazy mouths and put on your headphones.

If you could even do that an internet like this as lazy as you are and listen to killer ants with a Z or Z, and come to our show on March 21st, you idiots. Damn.

I listen to hand in the dirt, like Guardian podcast, both football and release lifestyle podcast. You're going to see you're listening spike now that people have been challenged. I'll show him. I'm not stupid. Server won't be disappointed in me ever again.

I got multiple pairs of headphones. I'm going to listen on all of them. Just to show them. Just so. Serber showing up at different towns being like, Wilkes-Berry, you listen to me. Because I know you're too poor for headphones. I'm the only thing in your ears right now. You Sarasota creeps don't understand shit.

All you dopes and nagadocious, turn up the volume. That's why you can't hear me. The best thing, the best thing for Charlotte tonight will be Michael Serber entering your zip code. And the best thing for Michael Serber will be when I leave Charlotte literally. tonight. Right, place out. Remember, if we ever invite the centa bites on this podcast, it won't be to discuss politics, strictly football.

That's right. Strictly football. That's right. Big ball knowers, all of them. Listen, we hear you. The pyramid of flesh is frightening in a way that's hard to control. What? What?

God damn it, sir. I shouldn't have looked at the screen. I'm sorry, it's so unnerving to hear those words in that order. In Birmingham. One quick addendum to this episode. This is a very special full cast birthday message for Dan. Dan, your lovely partner, Sarah, reached out to the full cast via email and asked us if we would consider dropping a little birthday note for you. If my information is correct, you just turned 40 on February 19th.

I'm just going to be real transparent here. This was sent to us with a clear email subject line, well ahead of time, and specifically asked like, hey, if you guys are recording any time around the 19th, do you think you could wish Dan a happy birthday? It would mean the world to him. And I think if this were another show, I would probably be like, oh, man, I can't, you know, we had a show come out on the 18th. We could have absolutely done this in perfect timing to give you a little early birthday present. And instead, it's going to come out on February 25th. And, Dan, I'll tell you something else. It's not just that it's coming on on February 25th.

It's that we collectively didn't. realized this said email had come in until after your birthday had already passed talked about doing it on today's episode and then because we got distracted by dracula and mac brown and that makes me think of drack brown a character that we can maybe use in a future episode but that's unrelated and that's our nobody steal it um we completely forgot to do it during the episode so we're adding it on at the end here. It is, I guess what I'm saying, an extremely full-cast way for us to wish you a happy birthday. We don't want to be this way. And I, you know, honestly, I think in many respects, separately we aren't. But there's some reason, something about this show turns us

into absolute organizational nightmares. So, on this, February 25th, basically a week after your birthday. Happy birthday, Dan. I'm sorry we're like this. I promise you, we don't know how to not be.