Shutdown Fullcast - Michigan Football, The Audiobook

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Ok, we didn't set out to make another NPR episode but when you pretend to be a certain kind of Michigan fan you inadvertently kind of make another NPR episode. Anyways, we think Michigan's going 9-1. Listen to the episode and you'll probably put together why. BONUS: This is probably the only podcast anywhere that considers the possibility of Rutgers winning the Big Ten East. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And welcome, welcome, an unostentatious, friendly but firm welcome to this, the only Michigan Football podcast on the internet. That's right. We prefer to call this discussion of Michigan football and other things. I would think a charmingly droll title, The Michigan Football podcast, an audiobook. That's my title for it. If you wanted to be charmingly droll, you couldn't have started a sentence with a conjunction. I find that to be just a piddling little critique of my otherwise fine title. Gentlemen, what say you to my title for this Michigan podcast? I thought your sentence began rather biblically with the conjunction.

As regards the podcast title, the University of Michigan Wolverines football audiobook would be my recommendation just to avoid any confusion whatsoever. with any other universities. Your point's well taken, but as a state university, should we be promoting such biblical views? Oh, I think... Correct. Very fair, very fair.

I do think Jason has the high ground, though, because if you'll notice, the voices that you heard in order were my own Holley's, and then Jason's. And then, in doing that, Jason went what? Third. That I finished third. Does that make Ryan the Jim Harbaugh this podcast? In 2017, 18.

Yes, it does. My pants are better. That's Jesus. Also, I've defeated that man on the battlefield. I know we're in character, but I'm not even going to share with you the title of my podcast, which is about Michigan football and booty bounce music. It's called Ho Schembeckler. So there. Hi, I'm Jim Harbaugh for bonobos. I cut them off and wore them as leg warmers. Yes, this is the only podcast tonight. I think the primary topic of discussion, since we should let everyone know the agenda up front,

will be to discuss the Michigan football schedule and the prospects for the Wolverines going into the 2018 season. I feel confident. I think many of our listeners do also feel confident about Michigan's prospects. But we'll go case by case tonight through every single game and really decide whether the Wolverines can live up to their potential or whether we'll get another disappointing, dare I say, fifth place finished. That'd be the trend.

Too far. In the worlds of Charles Horton Cooley, B.A. 1887, Ph.D. 1894, sociologist of Michigan grad. We're exploring the looking glass self tonight. Goodness. It's a tall order, but a mighty university like Michigan does not breed small or short minds. My cart. My cart. Only short quarterbacks.

Only running backs, too. There's some real shorties. Hi, Sam McGuffie, wherever you are. Are we starting with the schedule just straightaways? I think so. Do we have, first of all, is there any business before we move on? Is there any sort of formal business for Michigan football, colon, an audiobook? Colons are grandstanding.

Not if they're impacted. We do have a fine medical school. Ben Carson went there. It's not helping the kids. Hold on. I'm going to do a quick. Undermining this podcast like he's Gerald Ford. Hold on. I would like to. Gerald Ford did nothing wrong.

Gerald Ford did nothing wrong. God, Holly, if it's all right, we do have a little business to bring up here. Events-wise, at the University of Michigan, I'm going to read a few of the exercise and fitness options. let's say from now until gosh is it okay if I go all the way through the end of September would that be okay yes go ahead all right this is going to be exhaustive and again this is based on the University of Michigan's own website the exercise and fitness options September 13th 830 p.m. Open swing dance September 20th 830 p.m. Open swing dance September 21st Midnight, Open Swing Dance, September 22nd, Midnight, Open Swing Dance, September 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th. Open Swing Dance.

Oh, and here's a little preview, October 8th, Open Swing Dance. Harbaugh's putting these boys through hell. Literally, the only thing listed under Exercise and Fitness for the University of Michigan all the way through October 29th. open swing dance well what more does one need that sounds a little orgiastic to me is the so yeah the the open is what i'm a little confused and or curious about right so this is just anyone shows up and can swing dance unabashed swing dance i thought i thought that we had uh test requirements GPA letters of recommendation i thought the whole point was that we wouldn't have an

open swing dance it doesn't sound like there's any qualification for it now. Yeah, like, my dad is a CEO. Does that, doesn't that mean that I'm the only one who gets to swing dance? My stepdad is a CFO. I would like to swing dance as well. So what are all these pores doing here, swing dancing? And you know what C is the third letter of the alphabet?

I would also state that if you have open swing dancing, you might as well call it the Iowa admissions policy of swing dancing. We have fun. We do. Goodness, goodness. Not too much. No, no. We try to walk the line between amusement and frivolity.

Now, if I may, if all business is adjourned and otherwise covered, I think we can get directly to the schedule, okay? Which in itself, like a great battle of a world war, stretches across months, a campaign, if you will, led by Generalissimo, Jim Harbaugh himself. Jim Noralissimo. Jim no real I almost laughed You'll get there That'd be unprofessional A chortle please

It's a long drive Sustain it It is It's a very long 17 play drive That ends in a field goal It is Hope we really hope we can get through this Really hope we can get through this entire thing

Without needing air support Because there's nothing demonstrably Air support-ish about this team At all Kissinger did nothing wrong. That's not true. Wow. No.

That is a fevered debate that we can have. Dare you disgrace the legacy of Clarence Kelly Johnson, founder of the Lockheed Skunk Works. That's right. Author of the SR7 won himself. Triple Michigan degree holder. Michigan was about air power so far before the rest of the world that they don't need to worry about it now. It's called the National Medal of Science, not the National Medal of. I hear what you're saying, but also.

James Irwin, Michigan graduate, and NASA astronaut, first man to drive a lunar rover on the moon. Proving that, even at NASA, an important ground game, is always the foundation. Well, you couldn't have anybody who didn't know about, you know, Detroit, not driving that up on the moon. There's no, tell them what they'd hit up there. We went to the moon and we ran the ball. God damn it.

You couldn't put two Florida guys up there. two Florida guys would crash the two lunar ant little rovers into each other. Well, you couldn't put two Florida guys there because there's no weed on the moon. We don't know that. And that's why we need to go back. Sir. The pro-legalization discussion will continue on the victor's board. Sub-A sub-politics.

Please respond civilly and with brevity. And please don't break these discussions to open swing dance. We're tired of having them there. yes let's not by the way let's not think about how shea patterson got into michigan easily let's not just don't let's talk instead about joseph francis shay manager of the apollo spacecraft program during project apollo and triple michigan degree holder the triple michigan degree holder is like there's a real strong overlap between that and i shot people into the moon or at high speed everybody's good at something

Either, well, I mean, shooting people at high speed into the vastness of space or nothingness. Really, doesn't that describe a trip to Tampa for the Outback Bowl? I wouldn't know. Also, Sanjay Gupta went here. So the medical school is doing really great. That's true. The first game, if we could look on Michigan's schedule this year. Hated papists.

Excuse me. excuse me we're going to keep it secular here none of this we are facing a private school which I will say there there's there's an angle there but we're leading off facing are they arrival

do we consider Notre Dame arrival no because they won the last game we would have scored points against arrival didn't they win the last game between us they did and that's why so they're not arrival do you think we would have gotten shut out by a rival they're just mad we produced Jack Caborkian and who have they produced

Notre Dame, Regis Philbin that's who Notre Dame is produced Regis Philbin and Hannah Storm that's the only two people to have ever graduated from the University of Notre Dame also they produced a fictional president Jimmy Clausen yes yes

Jimmy Glosson rings yeah they produce those three people those are the only people who have ever graduated because one never finishes a Notre Dame education it's a lifelong endeavor that sounds like purgatory

it sounds like a crusade all of that yes except for the three people who managed to the three people who managed to graduate the eyes of the Lord Regis Philbin Hannah Storm and Jimmy Clausen all transcended graduating in the eyes of the Lord again

that sounds like you blew up a federal building that the Lord told you to blow up Buddhist shit. Well, we respect all religions at the University of Michigan. Yes, including whatever the Unabon follow. But we do not subscribe to any or ask you to pay any extra respect to any of them. Yeah, unless we think they're an equal amount of minimal respect for all. Let me look at it this way.

Even if you did manage to openly subscribe to a religion or a God, prayers will be useless against that muscular Don Brown defense. I predict that Michigan wins this game by a score of, I think 10 to 7 sounds right. I think it's no coincidence that the Pope himself declares all capital punishment to be against Catholic dogma, mere weeks before Notre Dame is set to be slaughtered at the hands of Michigan. When doesn't 10 to 7 sound right? I guess it's my question. Funny, funny story. If you're talking about a good time to eat dinner. That's way too late. Yeah, football scores should all sound like a sensible time to eat dinner. They really should, right? Three to six around there.

That'd be fine. A little late. That'd be fine. Five to four, a little early, but, you know, if you're in Florida, you could do it. But, yes, I see Michigan prevailing over the Notre Dame fighting Irish by a score of 10 to 7. Hard fought. Some respect given. But still, 10 to 7.

the game is in Indiana and every game we play in Indiana goes to quadruple overtime but ends in humiliating disappointment for the home team I see no reason why this will be any different remember that is a rule all football teams from Indiana they're the same they're all the same we're so our opening game against ball state they'll be wearing green jerseys just green ball state that's it. Remember, you can convert all of them. It's like the Aldi Trader Joe's nexus. Same stuff, different labels. That's all it is. They just charge more for it. Why would you pay more for the Notre Dame?

Someone does. It's just repackaged. It's embarrassing. Who's the Aldi Notre Dame? Is it Boston College? Oh, definitely. That's insulting to both of them, so I like it. Like, deeply insulting. I would also point out that, by the way, in this matchup, for the last six. For the last six. have gone Michigan's way.

Oh, it is a rivalry then. Yeah, no. It's a rivalry when we want it to be. It's definitely a rivalry. We haven't played them since our big win in 2013. That's how long it's been since we've played them. So looking forward to just pick them back up where we left off. After that, a little student exchange program with that.

the unfortunate souls at Western Michigan. Let's just take a quick look at Western Michigan alumni. I assume this will give me some picture of a cute dog. Oh, Tim Allen. Who was busted on WMU's campus for selling what? Cocaine. Cocaine. That's right.

He was busted. That's not Michigan alum. We'll just call him that. It's Western Michigan. And, you know, like a lot of the Cowboys out west going up those mountain passes, he found himself knee-deep in snow. Not sure to do with all of it. So he decided to share it with some friends. The popular meme of WMU's mascot with its nose covered in snow, quote fingers, snow.

There's a snow game, which is a perfect time to do cocaine. That was Tim Allen in that costume. That's not true. It's entirely true. I mean, it's not like he has a TV show to do it. Spencer, if we're going to have an organized debate, I'd like you to bring facts to it and not unfounded personal attacks. I will tell you this. The last man's standing?

It's probably the one who snitched. Just saying. Is it snitching or is it just cooperating with our fine legal system? A debate on the victors board. I trust the police because they wear blue. Wow. Did we just discover the worst? overlay of things ever if we said

Blue Lives Matter and we met Michigan. Not that that isn't true. We're talking about John Navar. That's right. Officer John Navar. In fact, that's I'm going to start referring to Michigan quarterbacks going for it.

Officer. Officer Patterson with the incompletion. We can't do that because all Notre Dame people are cops. So we have to switch them. What if they're like insurance cops? So Officer Dynard Robinson moved to Florida and his job title became weapon. That's not a lie. No, that's actually completely on the level.

So like somebody comes up to you and says, hey, I used to be a cop. Now I live in Florida. They call me weapon. I'm actually a little jealous of Western Michigan because if you go through the people who went to Western Michigan, Terry Cruz, Bruce Campbell. we have Adam Schaefter I like that Adam Schaefter in addition to like

Do we or do we have a burner account? Yeah we have a darn Schaefter A darn we have Adam and A darn I would enroll and I would re-enroll at Michigan as a darn just so that would be on the books and exist as a darn Schaefter I'm a little I'm a bit envious admittedly not quite the comparison to our august and distinguished uh long run of of quality people

to come from the university of michigan but i don't think you realize how cut arthur miller was arthur miller had the exact same body as terry cruz the exact i mean maryl monroe wasn't just fishing who do you think who do you think killed the salesman oh my god with his mighty arms biceps. I think this is a win. I think we can just bypass this kind of nonsense by saying this will be a win that the irresponsible national media will say suggests that Michigan is not ready to contend and was too close for too long, but is in reality a show of brotherhood to a fellow Michigan institution. And that's why it will be 12 to 11. I love that. Yeah. And again, looking forward to seeing the improvement and the development from Shea Patterson as he learns to read a defense and possibly read.

We're here to help at Michigan because. Tim Allen has absolutely referred to cocaine as that Don Brown, right? Yes. Or was that heroin maybe? Who's to say? Either way. he's going to tell you everything you want to know about it and who he got it from and where he sold it to what's important is that it's pure that's right speaking of pure i think we can go on

and go to um another team that pure cocaine historically might be associated with so not only is this our second cocaine team this is also our second religious private school and our second horse mascot Proving our tolerance. I don't know. I feel like we're stuck in several ruts here. We're playing Southern Methodist University. We're playing Catholic. We're playing Catholics and Methodists.

I think that's positively open-minded of us. I think we're opening ourselves to a lawsuit. Why aren't we playing any Lutherans? Now, I don't know, I'll confess, I don't know much about Southern Methodist University. I assume they're a very pious private religious institution with very high academic standards and a history of upstanding behavior

and an unblemished. An unblemished, a football team, unblemished by scandal, unblemished by cheating, but just, I assume that, you know, they do things the right way if they are a private religious institution. The word Southern in their name,

I'm going to draw on my vast data banks of what I know about the South based on having never traveled south of Kentucky. And I'm going to conclude that they are very, very, very simple, slow, small town, boring, not flashy, just dull and hard to watch. Humble blue collar, but not our blue. I assume their coach has some sort of bumpkinish moniker like sunny. or squack A bow

Or bow Now Now Now now Bow is a king's name That is It's the name of a weapon And

Of a legend So that's a win I'm hearing Yeah We'll beat SMU Soundly It seems what they try to do

Is score a lot of points Foolhardy Not gonna work Not gonna work Frivolous I say Frivolous If you've ventured outside of

Idelic Ann Arbor And seen Big Ten alumni Who didn't attend Michigan You've probably seen strange sad ink portraits On their arms, legs Or even inappropriately visible pubis These are called tattoos

And if you'd like to know more You should watch Vox's new show on Netflix It's called Explain and every episode is a 15-minute deep dive into one important topic. This week, that subject is tattoos. And this episode explores the history and anthropology of this strange art. Rumoredly, Wisconsin graduates had their preferred breakfast platter order inked upon their person to help paramedics know what they need to recover from alcohol poisoning.

So go check it out on Netflix. Search for Explained or for Vox. This takes us, too, what I believe would be our first true Big Ten game. Albeit, it's with the Naifs, it's with the noobs, as the kids would say. Michigan will play Nebraska. This will be in Ann Arbor, so we can show them what a real Big Ten campus looks like. Not some sort of rented farm processing facility that they hold classes in. No, no, no, no.

Strawl around the campus, Nebraska. Take a look. An AAU campus, by the way. This is what it looks like. Yeah, it's true. Because Nebraska's doesn't look like one, because it isn't. Because it's not in the AAU. It's true.

Too dumb. Yes, we appreciate all of the HFCS, though. When we feel swollen and our trousers are a bit tight, we'll think of you, Nebraska. That was the most erotic thing you've ever said. I didn't mean to get lewd. We tried to keep this at a family rating here on Michigan football. An audiobook. No, it's an audiobook.

I like the added humility you've built in there. I will also state that Nebraska's known for their thrift. I agree. Not only did they get rid of a coach that wasn't working, but did not pay much for it in the form of Mike Riley. they also managed to hire a not even a directional Florida. They hired a coach from a directional Florida from something, a skate park called UCF, which it's an innovative hire. Sorry, did you say a state park or a skate park?

What is a skate park? A skate park is something that they have in Florida. I'm told they are open. Is this for swing dancing? No, and it is not for open swing dancing. So I'll beat you to that question. Could we petition the city council? to permit swing dancing.

That's possible, but we'll need lengthy debate. Robert's rules are pretty clear about when you may and may not petition. And I don't think we have the signatures at this point. We'll have to work on that. I think a committee, we should meet in committee first, and then once we get a consensus on how to get those signatures, we should go out, test the feasibility of getting those signatures. Does that sound correct?

Is everyone all right with that? You had me at lengthy debate. this reminds me of a long World War I sidebar but we can come back to that at a moment later let's say that for the Facebook group talk about that in our Facebook group smart smart yes if you're listening to this do that Spencer what was the name of this coach

his name is Scott Frost now where do I remember that name from I was going to take you back if you'll remember the year 1997. I apologize. National champs. Outright national champs.

I remember the year well. That is true. However, however, there's a bit of controversy. Because I think the lower-minded and perhaps the lesser credited among our nation's sports media

suggested, along with Nebraska Cornhuskers partisans, that the Nebraska team of 1997 also bore some claim to the national title in 1997, which is ridiculous. Did they beat Washington State Fair and Squares, no doubt with Ryan Leaf getting every opportunity to win the game in the final seconds? No, we did.

That's first round NFL draft pick Ryan Leaf. So are you saying Nebraska seceded from the Union? I would say that Nebraska Along with enough other states to To give this breakaway republic Some sort of legitimacy I would think so And with a record that when I look at it

It doesn't look anything like football to me Frankly if you look at it They beat teams by sometimes 20, 30, 40 points Which seems gosh to me I mean, why do you need that many points? What are you trying to prove? What insecurity are you covering if you beat Oklahoma by a total of 69 to 7?

What are you hiding by flattening Kansas 350-0? What I ask you, are you trying to shield from my prying yet accurate eyes if you beat Texas A&M 54 to 15? even in our final game oh please spare me the final game if we look at it please what was our final game that year just to put just a few all things

being equal please the Latin well it was the Rose Bowl are you referring to the points total yes yes what was the score in our noble struggle with the hardworking lentil farmers of East Washington I believe it was in the 20s.

It was, I believe it was 2420, but I will get back to you. That is the most football score of all. Did you say this team gave up, what was it, 47 points in a game? This team gave up 38. They relied on a trick of the foot, the flea flicker, an unsportsman-like action, where a ball was kicked when it should not have been, and thus into the hand. Wait, wait, wait, we're talking about football. When should a ball not be kicked?

A ball should be kicked on every third down or fourth down. Right, when it's being run. Yes, when it's when it's being run or passed, the foot should not be involved. Run or what? I see where we're being hung up. Revisit this. Nebraska believed, unfortunately, in the forward pass. Oh, this is getting worse by the minute.

So much worse. They passed up to 12 times a game, sometimes 15 times a game. I regret to say those kind of things on a family podcast, but still, that team in 1997 claimed a national championship, despite seeing our Sterling record, irrefutably brilliant, if you ask me, and despite them having a gauche 4217 exhibition in the Orange Bowl against who? the 1997 Tennessee Volunteers. I mean, isn't it much simpler than this? One poll doesn't have Steve Spurrier in it, and the other poll does, and the Steve Spurrier poll is the one that voted for Nebraska.

Steve Spurrier noted, dumbass, runner of the mouth, embarrassed. Would we even welcome him for a campus visit, Michigan? to think that Florida would even go that far. I mean, the names on this list are, they're not, Paul Pasquiloni. Paul Pasquiloni was asked as part of his duties to vote for the national change, and we're supposed to take this poll seriously? I would also point out this.

Can you imagine an SEC quarterback gaining an invite to play for the Michigan Wolverines? It's on the heart of. It's unthinkable. That has never happened. And never will. Maybe as a promotion of sorts. No. Maybe as an act of...

Well, maybe if we adopted him. Yeah, think of it more as an orphanage kind of situation. I could see Michigan in its big-heartedness welcoming a stranded quarterback from a lawless, ungoverned sex den SEC program and saying, come, we have no sex here. I think Jim Harbaughal has. literally adopted Shea Patterson. Honestly, with that... Is raising him as his son.

With that many children, how would he notice? One more or one less? It's all a matter of Sam's Club steak at that point. Yeah. By the way, just feeding him whale meat. The score in that game are national title, unsplit, undivided national title win over the number eight Washington State Cougars was a dignified 21 to 16.

Lloyd Car Classic. 16. Now that's a football, football total. So we'll defeat Nebraska. You want your football, you want your football score to sort of be like a classic car gas mileage. That's what you want your score to be, somewhere in that range. 30, come on. 21 city or 21 highway?

16 city. I like it. You want your football score to sound like a year. 17, 13. And achievable year. Not some 31-33. Nothing futuristic. Those years haven't happened.

They aren't real. Anyway, if you do feel any sort of, if you place any credence in Nebraska's spurious claim to the national title in 1997, and you feel any lingering bitterness, this would be an opportunity to pay back a little bit of that. I believe, Ryan showed us that this was not dispirious. It was spurious. Goodness. Up next is a trip to northwestern. I don't know where that is. It's northwestern of Michigan, which would be the upper peninsula.

We're headed there. We're in the lake. We're going in the lake. Oh, we're playing Great Lakes Navy. This is an undersea nation. Great Lakes Navy, of course, ranked top 10 in 1945. Haven't heard from them in a while. This is a submersible journalism school.

A more useless thing I could not possibly think of. Why do you think they look so soggy? Lake News. I really hope somebody can explain what Northwestern is. And if they've been there or go there or have a degree from this university, I hope they tell me within the first 10 seconds of meeting me. Because I'd like to know more, frankly. Northwestern serves a purpose.

This is news, to me at least. That purpose. So, of course, Northwestern's. color is purple and I think I don't want to get too spiritual here again I'm a man of science letters the universe needs balance in all things so we had the the musical artist prince embraced purple as his color deeply sexual excited people around the world international superstar now Northwestern's purple the exact opposite of all of those things the anti-prince if you will that's balance

hmm that's the fake the fake prints the non-prints yeah correct i also i also believe that we've never lost to these people is that true if you're asking i don't see how we would have no they can't even pick a direction please such hesitation in the name alone indicates great disorder on the football field it's it's a shame you don't know how to use latitude and longitude, and you just have to gesture aimlessly. Not even accurate anymore. Couldn't even really update that, could they? Please do not search the lyrics for our fight song as to what we define as West,

especially because we are now in the Big Ten weist. We are the West, so how can they be West? That's why the Rose Bowl is ours. You go west of West, you fall off the edge of the Earth. Yes, I'm being told that not only did they not score. 40 points last year. We beat them by the outstanding score in 2016 of 10, or in 2014, of 10 to 9. Beautiful.

That's outstanding. I don't think, I don't think there's a better football game than 10 to 9. If this were a lesser, more gauche podcast, I would at this point say Fat Pitzgerald. That is a good example of what other podcasts engage in. But it isn't, so I won't. Later, after this podcast, we're going to drink brandy and make anagrams out of Pat Fitzgerald's name without using any digital assistance. I'm actually just going to sit in a room with some brandy. That's even better.

I thought I'd out Michigan to you, and there you just come. Like the Tower of Babel, friend, the only way to go is up. Hmm. We have an out-of-conference game next. That'd be Maryland at Michigan. Yes, the University of Fashion Disaster. New on the schedule. Haven't seen much of them, to be honest.

Are they still in the Big East? I don't think that conference exists anymore. Hmm. I think they're calling themselves the American, which... That's ridiculous. Oh. It's good because it sounds like a movie Russell Crow agrees to be a... as long as he doesn't have to lose any white.

That's Russell Crow. Michigan adjacent. Correct. Yeah. Not a Michigan grad, but Michigan adjacent. I'm sure he went to whatever the Michigan of New Zealand is. So that's Maryland. Yes, we won.

Excellent. Back to Big Ten play the next week. That's when we play, our respected but troubled brethren, Wisconsin. Oh, just the fattest letter possible on that helmet. It's time to get caloric. I mean, you look at a helmet schedule for this season, and you see Nebraska, kind of undersized N, northwestern, thick, but in the wrong places. And then you get to Wisconsin, and it's just, it's a, like, it's a bearclaw, a bearclaw you eat of a W. It's impressive, I will say.

Just a W bursting at the seams? to girth in all things Wisconsin knows who they are and I appreciate that about that. Spilling out of its long johns, W. Getting up far too late for work and drinking. Just a big Duluth trading company

t-shirt of a team. Right? You notice there's a really good way to understanding everything that Wisconsin is relative to our own fine university, the University of Michigan. Take the M turn it upside down.

that's wisconsin everything everything's the opposite right have they had any grand disappointing inconsistencies in their recent noble struggles to remain competitive in football while maintaining virtue no not really they just keep plowing along because that's what they do farmers people of the land people who put the tractor in the soil at 7 a.m. and they uh take it out and four they immediately plow straight into the bar at four 15 in many ways a cautionary tale i would say obviously there's a segment is it i would say a small segment of the michigan fan base dissatisfied with the fact that we haven't won the division but then you look at a program like wisconsin and what have their division wins got them the noble wolverine baron of the forests

warrior elusive sometimes savage intelligent loyal flip that all around the hobo wolverine that's the badger that's the badger that's right the wolverine does not drink alcohol the badger probably the only member of family of the mastilidae family that has a noted propensity for alcoholism most people don't know that most people have never tried to pull a 12-pack out of a badger's mouth has schnaps for blood that's why they don't freeze that's what the movie alien was based on people don't know that there's a problem they stopped pursuing at one point if you just if you just take a tv and you put on like uh i don't know an old packers game an old packers game or maybe sudden impact you know, maybe, you know, just a classic 80s, 90s, banger of an action movie.

Maybe you go picture in picture under siege, old Packers game. Sure. Put that in there. Throw a 24 pack in. Aliens turns into a 45-minute-long movie where all the xenomorphs are just sitting there going, Don McCowski could throw the ball. Up next, Penn State. That's not next on the schedule at all. Ben States after Wisconsin. Buy week, sir?

There's a by week. You're correct. We will spend our time deeply engaged in study, taking advantage of the off week to refresh our bodies, but mainly our minds. The body is but a vessel for the mind. Arguably, the biweek is the most important week of the season because we lack an opponent.

And so we have to battle the opponents that all meant Sloth, avarice, masturbation, wanting to eat salad. Milk slander? Exactly. Sometimes the soul wants to slander milk? Almond milk? Mm, please. I think you mean almond water.

Turkey bacon? Mm. Disagree. These are the things, these are the dangers of biweek. Fruit beer? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Without an opponent to face October 20th, we will move on to Penn State.

We have now finally arrived at Penn State after much, after their false starts, something our offense has grown familiar with. True? Here's all you need to know about Penn State. Penn State plays Minnesota. Not every year, but regularly. I don't believe they play Minnesota this year. And they do so for a traveling trophy.

I'm sure if you're a Michigan fan, you know all about these. You have appraised them in your spare time. In the case of Penn State, Minnesota, that is the Governor's Victory Belt. That's G-O-V-E-R-N-O-R-A-Posophie S. Now, Spencer and Jason, you would think based on that spelling that a single governor presented this bell

you would be wrong you would be wrong it was presented by the governors of Minnesota and Pennsylvania in 1993 when Penn State joined the conference it is an affront to grammar and usage

or a open declaration that our federal system of government are in which we empower the states to run themselves should be overturned. So you tell me, Penn State, are you bad at grammar,

or are you fascists, or are you both? Spencer, where should people go to debate whether federalism has run its course on the victor's board? I think that's under Victor's Board slash federalism. That's in the 43,2908 thread-long discussion,

which at one point nearly burned said forum to the ground. That's where you can go find it. I believe that it has devolved into a sharing of recipes, children's pictures, and occasionally debunking of fabulous conspiracy theories. So go there. It's actually a wonderful social network at this point. You'll also find a good thread there about how every day should be Saturday isn't as funny as it used to be, and you're right.

It's not. It's true. No, as Michigan grads, we completely concur. Also, I learned... Can you spell humor without UM? I think not. Also from the Victor's Board, I learned that the University of Mississippi is the only football program that pays its players. The only invented it.

Fascinating. It's incredible. I have a suspicion about Auburn, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it here. Good. We want to avoid exposing ourselves to litigery. you know how those you know how those alabamians are with their courts once they once they uh lure you into one of those southern courts it's over for you i assume those are outdoors well um yeah mostly my cousin beniz is a documentary is what you need

to know they're also churches and military bases yeah sorry to reference so new a film so contemporary the eight-bit sim city I believe I'm going to go ahead and just make a controversial call here that I think we lose this game I know I know I know but character building character building

character building all great teams must be humbled at one point and since this team will not be humbled by itself as it is too humble to find any humility in its own humility I think Penn State will do that for us perhaps the laziness from a byweek creeping over perhaps looking ahead to Rutgers will distract

this team but still I think that I think that this is a necessary loss this is also this is also the part of the season where we you know Penn State needs to win this game because this is the this is part of the path that leads to them spending the holidays arguing internally with their family who all agree with them about why Penn State got left out of the playoff a problem we as Michigan fans who love our families and want to spend quality time with them uh in December and at the new year avoid altogether why would we why would we be part of this silly childish bickering when we can let Penn State do it at whatever wah-wah they're celebrating Thanksgiving at also there's no shame in losing to Penn that's an Ivy League school there's no shame in

celebrating Thanksgiving at Wawa please there is you should be achieved but yeah i personally celebrated a cutie but that's because i have family who appreciate the finer things in life sorry for dropping out there gentlemen i'm on my third new york times crossword puzzle of this episode as a michigan grad would she's taking her time do you do it in esperanto though not yet the only true high. And I said that we lose that game looking forward to Rutgers. And gentlemen and lady, this is why I worry about Rutgers.

I worry about Rutgers because there is a trend and it is a disturbing one because we laugh at Rutgers. Oh, we do. Remember that from a peak in 2016 winning 78 to zero. Yes. a rollicking romp against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights. I will say this.

That margin of 78 points wasn't so funny when last year that fell in 2017 to a mere 21 point victory. At this rate, if we continue this level of Rutgers improvement and Michigan not taking Rutgers seriously,

they're due to beat us somewhere by around 14 points if things keep going. I say this with a heavy heart, because I do love Michigan more than anything in the world. I will understand if we look at the conference standings at the end of the season, and it says Rutgers, Champion of the East, Penn State, second, Michigan third. I'll take that. I will accept that. I will accept that. I won't like it, but I will accept it.

Well, Rutgers invented the sport. They're very old. As a Michigan fan, I like that. I do like that. I do also enjoy that they're taking their improvement slowly. I think that's the way to do it. Although, hold on. Ruckers had the advantage of there was no coaches' pull to silly their accomplishments back then. Hmm. I would like to say that we win this game.

But be warned, Michigan, be warned. This is not without pitfalls. This is not without history, as we are all students of, am I right? Yes, we've seen Hamilton. several times since birth exactly Hamilton's my favorite rap album hands down don't ask what my second is but it's absolutely my favorite rap album Royce the 5-9 I'm unfamiliar with this measurement but we can discuss it after the podcast on the on the victor's board the measurements the measurements subboard measurements

subboard don't bring up the furious the furious metric metric debate You know, some people, some people think that debate was over in 1981. O'Contraire, we're still having it. Sometimes I go to that board and argue that we should go back to measuring things by the King's forearm. Sure. I don't. Bring back cubits. I don't think that DeNard Robinson's forearm makes a dependable measure too.

Not Bill Cupid. Not Bill Cubit, please. We should measure things by Bill Cubit. Just to feel how many Bill Cubits. Excuse me, Bill's Cupid. Bill's Cubet. Does this mean Bill Cubit's penis? Good night, everybody.

That could be a seasonally variable, so you really don't want to do that. Especially as cold as it gets in the mitten. We'll use the median. Don't be, don't be a fool. This will require a period of observation that will take months, different scenarios, situations, levels of arousal, Ryan. And I, you know what? I have a federal grant for this study. if you can get that past the ethics people then by all means do but tell you the fda is going to shut this down spencer you're being a prude that's what the laboratory's for i'm being a scientist we drove a car on the moon we can absolutely monitor bill cubit's penis is bill cubit alive

he won't be after this let me look this up just to make sure he's alive uh it seems he is yeah that's good that's good he's good he's a lot he's life. Speaking of people who might remember the last time that Indiana beat Michigan. Don't look. Bill Cuban's penis. Quite a memory. It fully remembers that day. Don't ask why. The can any of you, can any of you give me the year that Michigan last lost a dark day to Indiana? might i remind you why you're thinking about this michigan has been through the following in the time period between say 1999 and the present the rich rodriguez era the brittany hoke era lows lower than previous historical lows unimagined by any michigan fan including really old michigan fans as bad as it has been ever

for the Michigan Wolverines how long has it been and what was the year that Indiana last beat Michigan So you said since 1999 I'm going to guess it's 1999 I'll say 2000

No No That was a clever fake Spencer It was You mind your question with misinformation Which steered me

directly into the wrong answer. I've been outwitted. I will give you a clue. All right. A clue. All right. Since it's further back than either of your guesses. And... 1974.

I was going to give you a couple of songs from the last time. I don't listen to me. I only listen to music at Open Swing Night. Okay. Well, perhaps you'll remember this dog girl from your childhood days when you had less discerning tastes. Walk like an Egyptian by the Bengals. Alone by heart. Shake you down by Gregory Abbott. I'm unfamiliar.

I want to dance with somebody by Whitney Houston. What year? In 1988? Very close. Very close. 87? 1987. Bill Cubit was at Martin County High School in Florida.

And so was his penis. If we don't, we can't assume that, Ryan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was a logical leap. Ryan, we have to talk about this. Your fascination with Bill Cupid's penis is going to just submarine this entire podcast. You've said this for 18 episodes, and yet this podcast continues.

Undead and lurching forward like a Wisconsin offense. Yes, this was 1987. That means Indiana has not, Indiana didn't. beat us any time during the troubles. They didn't beat us at our lowest. They didn't beat the worst Rich Rodriguez teams. They didn't beat the worst Brady Hoke teams. They still, they got every chance in the world to do it. And they still haven't done it. Admittedly last year, respectable effort by the Hoosiers. I mean, every year. They come really, really, really, really, really close every year. But you're, you're both getting lost in the detail. What's important?

important is not the winning streak or Indiana's failure to end it. The important thing is that this is the game. This is the game. That's what you'll see, you'll see it. People, other rivalries have, oh, this is the Iron Bowl or, oh, this is, you know, the war on iPhone. This is the game. This is the one we talk about. It's why it is the end of our schedule every year.

Every year on Thanksgiving. Believe me when I tell you that, Michigan, Indiana, the most blue versus red, the most important game, this decides dynasties. The state out northwest, northwest, excuse me, I was thinking about northwestern again. I'm the first person to ever do that. I'm simply going to count this as our second victory over Notre Dame of the year. I think this is the year Indiana breaks the streak because that's how important the game is. Going to have to disagree with that one. Not with you.

They're going to die. Sorry, I was thinking about Bill Cupid's penis. I won't lie. Yeah. I would go ahead. This is another noble effort by the Hoosiers, but they collapse late. I think this feels like a 3521.

3521. Mind you, we're not scoring those offensively. That would be gauche. I think those are. If it's a Michigan-Indiana game, it's going to need to be 35, 34, and a half. If we can do that. Indiana's got the ball. Players running to score the winning drop kick, and he misses something like that.

Pardon me, I just almost died.